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NARRATOR: Tonight on
"America's Dumbest Criminals," can what a dog left be
used as hard evidence
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in a bicycle theft? How can waiving your
right to remain silent earn you the right
to wave bye bye?
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And if this looks like a
clean getaway from police, you're as lost as the
guy behind the wheel.
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Brace yourself. You've merged into the
high occupancy lane crowded with "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
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[theme music] -Now, welcome your
hosts for "ADC," Daniel Butler and Debbie Allen.
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-Hi there. I think you all know my
co-host, the unknown comic. -No, wait. How do you know I'm not
the masked magician, huh?
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-Not enough sequins and studs. Besides, a guy tried the same
thing in one of our stories
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on the show, and it doesn't
work for him, either. -Would I stick out in a
crowd looking like this?
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-Maybe not if you were
hiding out in Appalachia. -No, no, no. I think it's a great
look to blend it.
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No, let me show. You let me show you, all right? All right. Everybody? Smile! -Oh, good grief!
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-Huh? DEBBIE: This looks like a
dentist's worst nightmare. -Actually, I'm here
with the Bulgarian cast
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of "A Chorus Line." You-- you come here often? Yeah, me too.
-Daniel, Daniel. Get back up here.
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-OK. -It's gonna be one of
those shows, people. Well, we're hoping to
deliver plenty of smiles,
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but I'm not sure if I can
stand that in this crowd. -OK, you've just
missed a tragic mishap.
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-What happened? -I just yanked on what I thought
were those lady's Bubba teeth, emphasis on what I thought
were her Bubba teeth.
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I'm really sorry, ma'am. I'm sorry. Are these yours? -Moving right along, let's
brush up on our first story.
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It may start a
little slow, but it ends with a bang in
Jacksonville, Florida. -And wouldn't you know it,
it was caught on camera.
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-I have occasions to
investigate numerous robberies. This robbery was hilarious
because the individual
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walked into a Southside
convenience store, went to the cooler,
picked up by Coke,
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brought it to the counter,
gave the clerk $10. As the clerk opened
the cash register,
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the perpetrator
pulls out a fake gun and goes behind the counter,
and starts yelling, give it up.
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The clerk at that time
pulls out a real gun and begins shooting
at the perpetrator.
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The perpetrator begins
to flee the store, and as he flees the store,
he points his fake gun
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at the clerk and starts
yelling, bang, bang! He was subsequently
arrested from his prints off
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of the Coke, and he gave the
clerk $10, and lost his $10. -Dog poop. -I beg your pardon?
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-Dog poop. That's what it takes
to get a confession from a suspect in
our next story.
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-But you'd never guess how
and why it possesses the power to bring a criminal to justice.
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-Haste makes waste as we find
Something To Remember Me By. -I interviewed a guy that
had been involved in a fight,
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and in the course of the
fight, a bicycle was stolen. And the bicycle was located
near where he was staying.
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We had developed the
information that he had gone over to the house. We could put him at
the house, but couldn't
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put him stealing the bike. I knew that we had to get him
to claim that he had taken
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the bike, and he wasn't
coming off of the story. The bike was a distance
away from him in the patrol
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division, and he couldn't
see the bicycle pedals. I said, tell you
what we're gonna do.
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I said, let me have your shoes. He said, what do you
want my shoes for? -On the bottom of
your left shoe,
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if that dog feces matches
the dog feces that's on that left pedal,
then we're gonna
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have to talk a little further. He reluctantly
gave me his shoes, and that's when he looked at
me and just dropped his head,
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and said, OK, it was me. There was no feces on the pedal. -It pays to have friends.
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-Yes. And it especially pays to
have friends who will bail you in an emergency, especially
if that emergency involves,
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say, bailing you out of jail? -But as you'll see, the guy
who's being released really
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needs to broaden his
circle of friends. Take a look. -Detective Anderson and
I got a call one morning
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to do a follow up
on a breaking and entering at the
local legals club. The coolers had
been broken into,
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numerous amounts of
liquor, beer, wine, so forth had been stolen. As we're going through it
and collecting evidence,
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they say, we have a videotape. And we were looking at it. Gee, we recognize
this knucklehead.
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Who's the other guy? We couldn't figure out
who the other guy was. He had a hood up, had this
goofy looking striped coat.
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These fools went in three
times during the night. They kept going in, getting
a load, coming back.
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They'd get their nerve up. Back and forth. A few hours after
they break in, we see them walking into city
hall wearing the same clothes,
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same goofy striped, hooded coat. And we yell at them,
tell them to stop, and the one guy says,
well, hey, could we
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use the public restroom? So, well, sure, you can use the
restroom in the police station.
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Come on in. We bring them in, sit 'em down. We show them the videotape. The guy looks at the
tape and he goes,
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hey, that guy looks like me. Gee, where'd he get
a coat like mine? Finally they confessed.
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NARRATOR: According to a
Connecticut law, in order for a pickle to be a
pickle, it must bounce.
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-Marriage values generally
include staying together for richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
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but I'm not sure if this
next wife isn't pushing the limits, or at least
her husband's patience
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when she offers a scam
cut from the heart of America's Dumbest Excuses. -I was on patrol one day.
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I saw a car weaving
across the center line, and so I put the blue lights
on 'em and pulled her over,
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and it was a woman
driving the car. So when I walked up to the
car and asked the woman
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for her driver's license, she
handed me a driver's license which was a white male
named Roger Harris.
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And I said, ma'am, I need
your driver's license. She said, that is
my driver's license.
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I'm Roger Harris. I said no, ma'am, I said
I your driver's license. And she said no,
I'm Roger Harris.
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And I said ma'am,
you're not Roger Harris. She said, yes I am. I am Roger Harris.
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And so I looked at the picture
real good, and I looked at her, and I thought, well, maybe
she's a cross dresser.
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So I looked, and it didn't
look a bit like her. I placed her under arrest for
DUI and no driver's license.
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We brought her to
docket, and when I looked through her purse,
I found her real name.
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I didn't charge her
for the false name. In all the years I've
been out on patrol,
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I've had all the
excuses given to me. I've been given false
names and false IDs,
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but I've never had
one before ever tell me they were
the opposite sex. I guess it doesn't hurt to try.
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-In our next story
the fire department extinguishes a
blazing automobile, but it's the car owner
who's really put out.
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Understand why as you watch
our Blue Light Special. -I remember an incident in
which we received a fire call.
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When I arrived on the
scene, the owner of the car was screaming,
hurry up, hurry up.
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I've got a lot of valuables
in the trunk of the car. And I said, well, the fire
company's not here yet.
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I said, give me the key,
and we'll open up the trunk and get your valuables out.
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The subject refused to give
me the key and left the scene. The fire company got
there, we put the fire out.
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Since it was a rental
car, we towed the car in. We called the rental car
agency, got permission
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to enter the trunk, because
they were technical owners, so we didn't need
the search warrant.
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When we opened the
trunk up, there were 250 lbs of marijuana
in five different bundles.
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50 lbs in each bundle. The firemen were all
laughing that we should have let it go a little farther,
we'd have all been high.
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-Napoleon once said, put
a rogue in the limelight and he'll act like
an honest man.
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You won't believe what happens
when this rogue from Brunswick, Georgia had his moment to shine.
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Take a look. -Several years ago I'd
been working narcotics. I'd make some buys in different
areas of the community,
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guys were arrested and charged. A few days later their
preliminary hearings came up.
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We were in the courtroom
and the defense attorney for one of the defendants
was asking me some questions.
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-Now, officer, was this powder
cocaine or crack cocaine? -I paused a moment to think
and refresh my memory.
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-It was crack cocaine! -Sit down! Be quiet! Be quiet! -I think we've heard enough.
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-And he went to jail. -Beunos dias, and here's
the man who could mess up the news in two languages,
Senor Daniel with ADC Headlines.
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-Our first headline, town
rebounds with clown crackdown. Officers in Astoria, Oregon
aren't laughing about clowns
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who think the whole world is a
circus, , and act accordingly. They've been known
to disturb the peace
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by incessantly honking the horn
of their little clownmobile, causing other
motorists to pull over.
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Officers warned that further
infractions would result in their baggy pants bottoms
being tossed in jail.
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So they began to behave. What do you do when you're
lost in a strange town? You ask directions.
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And if you're a pair of dumb
criminals in a stolen vehicle and you're lost in Barnstable,
Massachusetts, what do you do?
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You stop a police officer and
act exceedingly suspicious when you ask for directions.
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Not only did the perceptive
officer recover the car, he mapped out a plan for
the duo's immediate future.
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Dopehead dumbo
leaves jumbo gumbo. That's the story from
Charlotte, North Carolina,
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where a drug trafficker
was caught transporting 720 lbs of marijuana in a
truck, along with 43,000
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lbs of frozen okra. The seizure was bad
news for the smuggler, but there was bad news for
the police department as well.
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The intended recipient no longer
wanted the thawing vegetables, so the department had
to dispose of it quickly
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before both time
and slime ran out. And that closes the
file on ADC Headlines, news ripped from
somewhere near the back
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of your local newspaper. Debbie? -A cocky driver being pursued
by police in North Miami Beach
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thought he could tell
the law where to get off. But obviously, his directions
were wrong, thus providing us
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with this high speed
special delivery. -This is a story of
which way do I go? One of our officers
heard a BOLA,
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which is an announcement
over the radio. Be on the lookout for a vehicle. This vehicle was just
involved in an armed robbery.
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Well, all of a sudden
he sees the vehicle and he starts chasing it. The vehicle makes it to I-95
and starts heading northbound.
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And I-95 down here is about a
five lane road way each way. But they are darting
in and out of traffic,
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and Ben is following
them very closely. And all of a sudden as they
approach the Golden Glades
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Interchange, where there's
many different ways to escape and get lost in the
interchange, what these guys do
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is they make a
sudden lane change all the way over to
the left hand lane. Unfortunately, that's a high
occupancy ramp that just goes
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up and over the Golden
Glades Interchange, comes down on the other side. These guys thought it was
off ramp, or another ramp
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to get away from the
officer, and they're waving goodbye to
the police officer and laughing,
having a great time.
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Well, once Ben saw them get
on that, he knew he had them. So he just drove real
quickly to the end,
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blocked off the
traffic, and here comes these guys over the ramp. And they come right
down, and there's
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the police car waiting for them. That was the end of that chase. So unfortunately,
which way do I go?
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They took the
wrong way, and they wound up in the right
arms of the law. -All right.
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It's only a disguise if
you wear it properly, but apparently
this robber failed to read the operating
instructions.
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Take a hard look. -Late one night, a gentleman
walked into a Time Saver, put on a paper bag with two
little eye holes cut out,
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walked behind the
counter with a knife and demanded money
from the cashier. The cashier asked him, you
know, didn't hear what he said.
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Asked him to repeat it. He said, you know,
give me your money. Cashier said, man I can't
understand what you're saying.
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So the gentleman
pulled up his bag. -Give me the money, man! Hurry up! -Cashier gave him his
money, the gentleman exited.
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We arrived, spoke
to the cashier. Cashier said, I know
exactly where he lives. I can tell you right now
where he lives, who he is.
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I said, well, how do
you know that, sir? He said, I was in jail with him
last week because I got a DWI.
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I said, all right. So we did a photo line up, of
course, and identified the guy,
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and arrested him. He is doing 20 years now. NARRATOR: Now, let's look back
at one of ADC's Greatest Hits.
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When you think of safe
cracking, you normally think of some nimble
fingered crook
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listening intently
for tumblers to fall. Well, these guys get
the fall part right,
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but don't do so well
with the cracking. At least not until they
push this convenience
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store safe over a wall. To get their haul
of cash, they're forced to haul off
the safe, which
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is recovered when
the men are captured. But there were telltale
signs of trouble early on.
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OK, right here. Keep an eye on that guy's pants. Oops. I mean, if a man can't
keep his pants up,
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how's he ever going to
make it in this world? NARRATOR: In Illinois,
it's illegal to catch
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mice without a hunting license. -I pulled a vehicle that
had a burnt out headlight.
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And as I approached the
vehicle, the young lady asked me, officer, why
did you pull me over?
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And I says, well, your lights. You have one of
your headlights off. -Aw, shoot. Again?
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-She says, officer,
there's something wrong with the wiring, because
it keeps going on and off.
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-Yep. That's a problem. -And she says, well,
can I try to get it on? I says, oh, ma'am, if you
can get the lights back on,
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I'll give you a break. So she gets out of the vehicle-- -It's happened before. I've done this plenty of times.
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This is not-- -As soon as the headlight
comes on, 10 bags of crack just fall from her legs.
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And I told her, well,
you're under arrest for possession of a
controlled substance.
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She says, officer,
it's not mine. I told her, I says, well,
it might not be yours,
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but you're in possession
of it, so that's what I'm arresting you for. I handcuffed her, and
towed the vehicle,
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and she was under arrest. She plead guilty, and
she served some time. -Our final story comes
from Roswell, New Mexico,
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and judging from
its weird nature, I'd say it comes from Area 52. -Oh, you mean Area 51.
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-No. Area 51 is just a
decoy for tourists, OK? The real action is over in 52. -Oh.
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-OK? See what I mean. Here's We're Not Making This Up. -I was at the US border
patrol checkpoint
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between Alamogordo, New
Mexico, and El Paso. A guy came into the border
patrol checkpoint by himself,
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border patrol looked
him over, let him go. I got in behind him, he
slowed down to, oh, 25,
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30 miles an hour. Something wasn't quite
right, so I found a lit area and I pulled him over,
and walked up to him,
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and asked him how come
he was running so slow. And he said his truck
had been overheating.
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So I asked him to turn the
vehicle off and step outside. And as we were talking, I
kept hearing a-- [knocking]
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on the vehicle. Just this knock. And I asked him, I said,
what's-- what's wrong with your car?
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Where's that coming from? He said, well, I
think I'm fixing to blow a rod in my engine.
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And I said, well, that's funny. Your truck's off. So I walked over, and I just
kept hearing this knock.
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And it was coming from
underneath the hood of the vehicle, so we opened
the hood, and Lo and behold,
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an illegal alien was underneath
the hood of this old pick up. The guy had ridden
from the checkpoint
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to where I pulled him over
underneath the hood of this six cylinder pickup, holding
on to the valve cover
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and having his feet up
on the motor mounts. Very hot and very mad. Come to find out after
the border patrol talked
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to the gentleman, that
he had about a half mile before the checkpoint,
had crawled under the hood
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to come around to come
through the checkpoint. When they got on
the other side, he
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was to stop, get out, and
go on about their merry way, but I screwed that up for
him when I laid in behind him
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and followed him all
the way into Alamogordo, about 35 miles. -Before we go, witness Debbie's
maiden voyage with Bubba teeth,
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and the end of her
relationship with all of her former sorority sister. -Are you ready?
00:18:31
-You ready? -Mm-hm. -Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome the lovely Gingervitis.
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-With these teeth in, I feel
like I should date my cousin. -Hey, baby, with
those teeth in, it
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looks like your parents
were your cousins. -We need to say our goodbyes. -They were cousins.
00:18:52
Yeah. If y'all got one of
them computer gizmos, hop on up there internet,
y'all come to our websites.
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It's wwww.dumb. dumbcrimes.com. -We actually should-- excuse me. We actually should be serious.
00:19:07
-Yeah. -If I can get it out. -There you go. -We should be
serious for the part where we thank you
for watching at home,
00:19:12
and say a special
thanks to those who work in law enforcement. -Yep. You're out there every
day watching our backs,
00:19:18
keeping order in a
world that's a lot scarier than we'd like it to be. -I'm glad they're watching
our backs, and not our teeth.
00:19:22
-Mm-hm. Yeah. -As always, we
hope that we've all learned from others' mistakes. -But if you haven't, we
just might see you next week
00:19:30
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals."