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ANNOUNCER: Tonight on
America's Dumbest Criminals the search is on as the
police get hotter and hotter.
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While elsewhere,
another criminal gets colder and colder. And quite by accident,
a DUI wakes up
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from a dream to
a real nightmare. Don't move a muscle. It's time to watch
crooks get the hook
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on America's Dumbest Criminals. [theme music] Now, welcome your hosts for
America's Dumbest Criminals--
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Daniel Butler and Debbie Alan. -OK, Daniel. I've got a shocking
statistic for you.
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-Really? What is it? -Well, according
to the FBI, someone breaks into a home
about every 15 seconds.
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-Wow. Why don't those people move? -Who? -Those poor people who
have someone breaking
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into their house
every 15 seconds. -No-- I'm not talking
about one family! -It would have to get
old after a while.
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Plus the loot would all
be picked over, you know. -Daniel, it's just an average.
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-You mean sometimes it
happens more often than that? Shee-- there must
be burglars bumping
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into each other left and right. -Daniel, statistically--
can you say that?-- statistically speaking--
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-You know, we could do a
whole show on those people. We could do a whole
season at their house.
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-I think I figured wrong
by even mentioning that. Would do y'all think? Let's move into the stories
that we have planned,
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and it does involve a burglary. At least maybe it does. -Now watch as things
really heat up for a lady
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in North Carolina, who
breaks into a cold sweat when police set out in search
of her stolen television.
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Take a look as she's
Caught On Camera. -We received a call
that a lady over in one
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of our residential areas
has had a break-in, and somebody's broke into
her home and stole her VCR.
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So the police go over there, and
the house has not been cleared, which means nobody
has searched it
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to see if there's
anybody inside. Our officers go inside, and
they start searching the house.
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We search closets. We search cabinets. We search everything. And then we notice
there's a pull down attic,
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and we think maybe they've
gone up in there because it looks like it's
recently been opened.
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So we start to pull down
the doors, and she's going, no, no, no, I don't
think they're up there!
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I don't think they're up there! Well, you know, we'd
rather see, we'd rather check and make sure.
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So we pull down the attic
stairs and go up there, and she has an elaborate
marijuana growing system up
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in the attic. The blue lights, the plastic,
and this huge, nice marijuana plant.
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So instead of recovering
her VCR and her bad guy, she becomes the bad
guy and is put in jail.
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-The crime is called
breaking and entering. I guess I sort of assumed that
there is also exiting involved.
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-Well, yeah. But some super sleuths
in Elgin, Illinois didn't let any details of a
caper escape their attention.
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And as a result, they
caught their man cold. Their story provides
tonight's episode of Something
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to Remember Me By. -It was a cold winter
night around 2 o'clock in the morning. We arrived.
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We checked the facility. It was a bar. Doors were locked. Windows were all secured.
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But as we went around
and surveyed the scene, we noticed that the kitchen
vent, the exhaust fan, was off.
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It's on top of the roof,
and it's-- there was like a dumpster that
was placed there.
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We looked around and we
saw some muddy footprints in the kitchen. So we checked around,
and we didn't see anyone.
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And like I said, all
the doors are secured and all the windows are secured. And as we were standing
there, I thought, you know, I
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haven't checked the freezer yet. So I just kind of-- just
to make sure, I checked.
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I opened the freezer, I
noticed four wooden boxes just stacked on
top of one another.
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Of course there was beer
and other booze in there. But as I looked down, I
saw a pair of Converse
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hanging out from
one of the boxes. I yelled out, hey,
I got someone. Perpetrator stood up holding
a tomato and a bottle of beer.
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That scared me a little bit. I drew down on him. He's like ah! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
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So we processed him,
and we booked him. But I go to find out
when we processed him,
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he just got released
from Kane County about two hours ago for
residential burglary.
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He was released on bail, and
then he hitched a ride to Elgin and went back into
another business.
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-You know it's not
uncommon for police to chase cars racing
down the street. But in this case, it
was a real race car.
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-Oh yeah. The driver thought
he'd won the day, but the officers
on the case weren't
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willing to forget about
his checkered past. It's time for a little
surveillance pit stop.
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-One of my officers on patrol
saw a white vehicle that looked real suspicious, was
acting suspicious.
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The officer states on
the film that he believed that the subject was casing
houses for a burglary.
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We initiated a traffic stop. The vehicle took off and
initiated a high speed chase.
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Thing that makes this
unique is that the car was outfitted as a race car. It had the inside
completely stripped.
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There was no seats other
than the driver's seat in it. Officer was driving
a Chevrolet Caprice
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that had a Corvette
engine mounted in it. So this is a pretty good match. As the chase progresses,
you'll notice
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that the car the
officer is pursuing accelerates much faster
than the police car.
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But in return, the police
car goes a little faster, and I'm sure they reached
speeds of 140 miles an hour.
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You can see the cars as
they go around the corners, and it looks like
dust in the film,
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but it's actually
smoke from the tires-- that they're turning the
corners and accelerating.
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At at least two parts
during the chase, the cars come off the ground
and hit with such force
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you see the sparks
fly up over the car. This officer chased this
car for a good ways.
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The only way that we was able
to make an arrest on this case was by getting a warrant
for the arrest of the car.
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We had no idea who was driving. The officer saw his face, but
he didn't know who it was.
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After we found the car,
we called a tow truck. And the tow truck arrived and
started hooking up the car,
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and the guy driving
walked out and wanted to know what we were
doing with his car.
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So at that time the
officer knew who it was and an arrest was made. ANNOUNCER: In Pocatello,
Idaho a person
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may not be seen in
public without a smile on his or her face. -Our next story takes
place at a donut shop,
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but there are more holes
in this guy's story than in the shop's pastries. Here's a really flaky addition
of America's Dumbest Excuses.
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-About three o'clock
one morning I was patrolling when
HQ gives me a call at the Duckett doughnut shop.
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They told me there was
a customer in there that had a gun shoved in the
waistband of his pants.
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As I'm in route
to the donut shop, I get another
announcement from HQ that the individual with the
gun had just left, gotten
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into a car, and he was eastbound
on Beach Boulevard, which is a main throughfare
for the beaches.
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Being about three
o'clock in the morning, there's not a whole
lot of traffic, so wasn't too hard for
me to locate the car.
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I pulled it over. I do a felony stop. Get the suspect out the
car, shake him down.
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He doesn't have a gun on him. I have a back up
at that point, so I start talking to the subject.
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I asked him about the gun. He said, I don't know
what you're talking about. I said, you were just at
the Duckett donut shop
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and you had a gun in your
waistband of your pants because the management called
us and told us about it.
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And he denied it. And we went back and
to for several minutes. And I said, look, I
know you're lying.
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They described your clothes
and everything else. I said, now where's the gun? At which point he looks
at me kind of exasperated
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and he says, I don't know
what you're talking about. I just stole this damn car.
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-All right. Tonight's Bluelight
Special takes us up to Edmonton, Canada,
where a real loser
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tries to be a contest winner. Based on his thinking, we think
he qualifies for a booby prize.
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Let's take a peek through
the surveillance camera. ANNOUNCER: Here's a lesson
in the importance of choosing
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a good accomplice, something
the long-haired guy didn't do. While rock and roll dude scopes
out a six pack of brewskies
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at this liquor store,
his not-so-bright partner feels lucky. So he grabs an entry
form for a contest
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and begins to fill it out. Duh! Let's see, Name-- oh,
oh, I know that one! Address-- I think that
means where I live.
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Phone number-- Uh oh. This is tough. I've never been good with
math, but I think that's right.
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Okey dokey. I'm ready to win. Then he drops the
form in the entry box, and yes-- he provided
his real name,
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address, and phone number. His partner pays for his beer,
and then watch carefully.
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As they exit, they make
off with some bottles left right next to the door. Fortunately for the police,
the would-be contest winner
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gave a fine
description of himself before he even
committed the crime. And he did win-- in a way.
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He got a fabulous,
all expenses paid vacation courtesy
of local authority. -You know, if you've
got car trouble,
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the arrival of a patrol car
is usually a welcome sight. But for the guys
you're about to meet,
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their troubles
were just beginning when an officer happened by. Take a look. We responded to call of
a vehicle being stolen.
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The owner of the vehicle
heard a noise outside, and he went to look. And he saw two subjects pushing
the car out of the driveway.
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We were about two and a half
blocks from the house when we noticed the vehicle
was still being pushed.
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We stopped the car. Detained the two subjects. And asked them what
they were doing.
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They said, well they couldn't
get their car started. We got to looking
at the vehicle,
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and it was clear that they
had tried to hot wire it. They had broken the
steering column open,
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the wires were pulled
out, and in fact we found pieces of the steering
column and the lock mechanism
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in the pockets of
one of the subjects. We spoke to them about the fact
that we knew the car was stolen
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from just two and
a half blocks away. They admitted to the crime. And I couldn't
help but ask, well,
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if you couldn't get
the car started, where were you
going to go with it? And they simply didn't know.
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They were just going
to push it until they got where they were
going, I guess. Since the car they chose
to steal wouldn't run,
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we gave them a ride. To jail. -And now for a guy who couldn't
globe-trot without tripping,
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here's Daniel with
ADC Headlines. -Good morning. Apparently there's
no mandatory age
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for retirement among
career criminals. After only one day of
freedom, a 70-year-old man
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robbed a Denver bank. Faster than you can yell Bingo! he was back in the big house.
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In Seattle a TV reporter was
broadcasting live from a bar to get reactions
to a news story.
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Among the interviewees was a
man wanted for grand theft auto. A detective who was
watching the newscast
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recognized the suspect, hurried
to the bar where the clueless man was still
hoisting brewskies.
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The story of his capture
was on the late news, but I think at that
point he had no comment.
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Sure, Santa knows if
you've been bad or good, but do you know a bad
Santa from a good one?
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It seems two unsaintly
St. Nicks in New York claimed they were collecting
money for charities,
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but they were
pocketing the proceeds. Caught in a sting
operation, they were charged with
criminal impersonation
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and barred from joining
in any reindeer games. And that closes the
files on ADC Headlines,
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news ripped from
somewhere near the back of your local newspaper. Debbie? -Now we have a variation on
the helpful police officer
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story we told you about earlier. This one comes from
Carlsbad, New Mexico, where
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a rattle under the hood tattles
on the hood behind the wheel. It's tonight's Special Delivery.
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-Working the night shift one
night in Carlsbad, a car pulled up behind me flashing
his lights-- brights,
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dim, brights, dim. So I motioned him
around because I don't like people
stopping behind me.
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He gets in front of
me, I stopped him. He gets out and has a
problem with his hood.
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Can't open his hood. That's pretty rare
because most people when they drive a vehicle,
they know stuff about it.
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He said he didn't know
how to open the hood. Well, I just reached over, and
naturally it popped right open.
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No problem with it. I talked with him. I said, how long have
you had the problem?
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He said, well not
very long because I just borrowed the car. I asked him who he
borrowed it from.
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He didn't know the guy's name. Asked him where he'd been. He said he'd been back East.
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Real general. In talking with
him, he didn't know where anything on
the vehicle was.
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Just where to put the key
and start it, basically. Got permission from him
to check the vehicle.
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Ended up finding $20,000
cash under the backseat, and I seized the
money and the vehicle.
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He was what you call a mule. A mule is somebody that will
take narcotics or stolen
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property from one place
to the other for money or for favors owed to somebody. People that trusted him
with all that money,
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he lost it for them. And the vehicle. He basically arrested himself. I just did the paper work.
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-There's nothing quite
like a harrowing experience to sober you up and get your
adrenaline pumping, you know.
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And there's nothing quite
like the harrowing experience that this drunken driver
thought he was having.
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Take a look. -It was about 3
o'clock in the morning. I was on routine patrol. And I was driving
down highway 190
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and I noticed where a vehicle
had run through the ditch. Upon closer examination, I saw
the vehicle actually parked.
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Lights were on, and the
engine still running, it had exhaust fumes coming
out of the exhaust pipe.
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I figured I had a
DUI when I saw it. So I came up to the
driver's side window. He was in the front seat.
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He had the seat reclined
all the way back. He still had a beer
in his right hand.
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And he was just passed out. So I started tapping
on his window trying to get his attention.
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The guy just wouldn't wake up. He was comatose. And we started shining
flashlights in his face.
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Still couldn't wake this guy up. We didn't know
how to get him up. So we set the two
flashlights on the hood.
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OK? He had all the
doors locked, so we couldn't get him out of the car. So I went and got a door
tool out of my trunk.
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We were going to pop
the lock on the door, so we could open
it and get him out. When I'm working on the door,
another officer goes back
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and he gets on the
back bumper and starts jumping up and down
on the back bumper.
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This guy's shaking back and
forth, and he finally wakes up. I mean, he turns
white as a ghost.
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His eyes get this big around. And he grabs the
steering wheel and stands on the brakes with both feet.
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And he's jerking the wheel
back and forth screaming No! No! He thinks he's driving, and he
thinks these two flashlights
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on the hood are a
vehicle that's coming he's about to have a
head-on collision with.
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When we get his attention,
then he looks at us and he looks down at
the ground to make
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sure he's not still driving. And then he gets this
embarrassed grin on his face and gets out of his car.
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We tell him, look, we
got some good news, and we've got some bad news. The bad news is you're
going to jail for DUI.
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The good news is
you're going to live. ANNOUNCER: Now let's look back
at one of ADC's greatest hits.
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Wouldn't it be nice if we had
an ATM right in our own home? Well, these three
cheese wizards gave it
00:17:15
the old dumb criminal try. They immediately spray painted
the glass over the camera lens
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before they got started,
but they didn't notice they had knocked that very
glass off while trying
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to pry the machine
from the wall. The camera was able to
capture their bungled bank
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job complete with
flattering close-ups of their frustrated
faces as they attempted--
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without success-- to
dislodge the concrete cash cow from its corner by
attaching a chain to the bumper
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of their very
photogenic automobile. And like the movie
"Face/Off", the boys only
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manage to get away with the
face of the helpless ATM. And in return, it kept
their faces on tape
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for the police to view
a few minutes later. In Marietta, Georgia
it is illegal to spit
00:18:01
from a car or bus. However, spitting from
a truck is allowed. -You remember that
commercial from a few years
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ago with the old lady
going "Where's the beef?" Well, we've got the
answer to her question.
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-And it turns out to be a bloody
mess for a would-be shoplifter. See how she butchers her
chances of getting off scot
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free in this week's episode
of We're Not Making This Up. -A lady goes into a local
grocery store to, I guess,
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purchase some items. She goes into the store
to the meat section. It's a big roast.
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Puts the roast on top of her
head, and she's wearing a hat. The hat's covering the roast.
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So as she's walking up
to the checkout counter, the roast meat juice
starts to leak.
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It looks like she's
bleeding profusely from the top of her head. She's acting like
nothing's happening.
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It's obviously-- the
blood from the meat is pouring down her face. Well, the checkout girl
behind the counter sees it,
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and she thinks the lady's
got a traumatic brain injury. Thought she fell in
the store and got hurt.
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So what they do is they
get on the phone, dial 911. -Hi. We have a situation here.
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-Paramedics show up. When the paramedics
get there to help her, because she's acting like she's
wounded, because she honestly
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still feels that they think
she's hurt, and they don't know she's got the roast on top.
00:19:18
So paramedics get there
and take the hat off, and they see the roast,
and the gig is up.
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She gets arrested. Can you believe that? -Well, I've got a roast in
the oven, so I need to go.
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-That's exactly where
the roast belongs. Well, it's just as well, too,
because we're out of time.
00:19:37
-Yep. But between now and when we
get together again next week, why don't you visit our website
address is www.dumbcrimes.com.
00:19:45
-You can pass along a lead
on a story and much more. -We want to thank
you for joining us
00:19:49
and extend our gratitude
to the law enforcement officers who make
this show possible.
00:19:53
Every day they lay
their lives on the line to keep us safe
from the stupidity of would-be criminals.
00:19:58
-As always, we hope we've all
learned from others' mistakes.