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hi i'm daniel butler welcome to another edition of america's dumbest criminals
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[Music] do [Music] on this episode of america's dumbest criminal a crook packs his bags and makes a run
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for it a kid does a moronic macarena on a friend's car a salivating senior expresses his
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feelings for a local store and a guy in his birthday suit gets pulled over for speeding
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all this and more on this week's episode of america's dumbest criminals walk away
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from the car he's your host daniel mudler shopping can be like running a marathon your heart is pumping the
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adrenaline running through your veins the anticipation can be overwhelming grab your selections on your mark get
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set go unfortunately this guy jumped the gun and had to be disqualified from any
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further shopping sprees besides he had already shopped until he was dropped i believe a person should always be
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prepared a mental checklist is always a sure bet for success target check mask check
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gun to get jewels check bag for jewels check getaway car check escape route westbound westbound turn
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westbound on third suspect is sustaining speed he's pulling away from us 2a 15
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we're out of the pursuit jack full tank of gas um police officer put your hands up turn
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forward don't move don't move five to ten years check officer mark castille of garland texas
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was dispatched to back up the fire department on an injured person report at first glance the man appeared to have
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been changing a tire when the vehicle had fallen on his foot only problem the car wasn't his
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we get there and this man looked like he was changing a tire and the vehicle had
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fallen on his foot and he was trapped by the foot and we go up to help this young man and
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get to looking at the car and realize that the column was peeled it was actually a stolen car he was stripping
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it when it fell on his foot and trapped him trapped by the foot begging us to get the car off his foot and with that
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they took the car off his foot so he could hoof it straight to jail a former detective with the andalusia
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alabama police department told us about a baseball player who thought he was safe at home
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when the officer arrived on the scene he saw tracks leading from the back door across the yard and up to a house
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the tracks appeared to be baseball shoes with cleats on them glass followed the distinctive
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footprints up to the door of the house where they disappeared one look at the dumb criminal's shoes
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and the detective knew he had his man yeah sir good you live here i live here what'd you do just hit a home run next
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door i was playing baseball yeah okay why don't you go to the station turn around place your hands behind your back
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for me the man was arrested and charged with the break-in he had just struck out
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and now crimes of the week with daniel butler and beaumont bacon hi i'm daniel
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butler and this is my vine ripened co-host beaumont bacon hi daniel hello a handcuffed prisoner had managed to get
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away from an officer and fled the scene the officer gave chase and followed the guy for a few blocks into an alley
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they do that criminals always seem to find those back alleys it's a natural homing instinct
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deciding it was time to end the chase the officer took his night stick and threw it down at the goon's feet hoping
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to trip him up the spiteful sprinter laughed and watched as the night stick soared by him and into a wall i bet he
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wasn't laughing for long well you're right because he was focusing so much of
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his attention on the night stick that he failed to see the van that he pulled into the alley in front of him he hit
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that van with full force and voila the pursuit was over i bet the officer got the last laugh
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good for him well so did this counselor at a correctional center one of his inmates wrote a letter to his girlfriend
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that said dear becky i'll be on work detail in the park this friday so leave the drugs and
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beer by that big oak tree the guards are so dang stupid here there's no way i'll
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ever get caught love billy what a touching letter well his brilliant plan fell apart because instead of putting
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the jail as the return address he sent the letter to the jail where it wound up on the warden's desk
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i'm sure the warden passed the inmate sentiments onto those stupid guards huh
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which brings us to our vidiot of the week let's try that again from all the stories that we've received
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this week this one was our favorite a woman had just parked her car when she was approached by a crook with a gun who
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forced her out of the driver's seat and demanded her keys unfortunately when the goon jumped into
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the car he realized that it was a stick shift he only knew how to drive an automatic
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he got out of the car and told the woman to get back in and drive him somewhere so she got in locked the doors backed
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out and drove away leaving the stunned stick up artist in a cloud of dust much like the contents of his head
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dusty in there thank you one would think that if you stole a vehicle you would want to do as little
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as possible to draw attention to yourself however this dumb criminal obviously threw caution to the wind officers made
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a rather unusual traffic stop one afternoon in houston texas a guy was clocked doing 90 miles per
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hour on a motorcycle and not wearing the required attire it turned out that the motorcycle was
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stolen and when the officers asked for the driver's information he was at a loss
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he didn't have his wallet or any identification or any clothes for that matter
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they quickly arrested our cool rider and took him down to the station for fitting
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into his new designer jail jeans and some ointment for his cheeks [Music] this next surveillance tape shows a
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grumpy old man who picked a rather disgusting way to make his mark on society unhappy with the way a local watch shop
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had repaired his timepiece this disgruntled grandpa decided to stop by after hours and pay the store a visit
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he also visited the shop owner's car the shop owner promptly had the police visit the salivating senior and have him
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arrested for defacing public property and drooling without a license a sacramento officer was called to a
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local motel to investigate the possible theft of a ghetto blaster and the suspect wished to lodge a complaint
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officer chip dull drove up to the motel parking lot and noticed something a little out of the ordinary about the
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victim and i'm talking to the guy and the story doesn't make any sense whatsoever but when i'm looking at him i
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see some white powder around his nostril of his nose i asked him about his nose and he goes
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well oh i just had a powdered donut i'm thinking well how come nothing around your mouth
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and just just tell me your name first of all take your hand out of your pocket you know what's your last name
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and he won't give me his name and he won't take his hand out of his pocket he has this blank stare looking
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right past me i'm thinking oh something's wrong here all of a sudden he bolts off takes off
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running and after about 100 yards i catch up to him and handcuff him and all that and walking
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back to the car and i search him he's got a loaded handgun in his pocket he's got a few grams of
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methamphetamine in his pocket about 900 in cash and i went back to his car where he was
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looking for his id and so i searched the same bags and i found a about another three ounces of narcotics
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and scale and all this could have been avoided because and he had no reason to call us
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to begin with he had no crime but he wanted to make a complaint and because of his ignorance and again those
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stupid pills kicked in he got charged with nine different felony charges and went back to prison
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you can take the man out of his business but you can't take the business out of
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the man as we'll see in this next story an undercover cop had just cuffed a drug
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dealer and was on his way back to his cruiser when a car pulled up hey man the top stop the cops going yet
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ain't no cops around here really cool listen shut up don't say anything yeah
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i got a party tonight i'm looking to score some dope right now man i'm really
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desperate the officer decided to play along and use the dope that he had just taken from his cuffed con to set the new
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guy up even the detained dealer got caught up in the game how's this oh let me check this out
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i'll take it for 50 bucks no way man that's a hundred dollar bag hundred dollars you really think so let
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me check it out again how bad you want it oh man i've been looking all over i
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couldn't find any yeah 100 bucks man okay hey the way i do business i i need you to
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shake my hand okay i shake hand with all the people i do business with no problem
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would you have a good party tonight huh oh yeah i got a great part what what what you doing there you go turn around
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turn around sealing the deal with a handshake the officer took the yuppie and the drug
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dealer down to the station a yuppie and the drug dealer kind of sounds like a new tv show doesn't it
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[Music] this guy in hollywood florida found out the hard way that the element of
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surprise is a situation that works well for everyone not just dumb criminals you can see that this convenience store
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was having a slow night until this gun-toting goon rushed in and demanded the money from the clerk behind the
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counter he expected her to give him the money and then make his clean getaway what he
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didn't expect was the police officer who just happened to be in the back of the
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store doing a routine business check hear him demand the money the cop immediately identified himself and drew
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his gun too the surprised suspect immediately surrendered and was quickly taken to
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another counter to do his business the booking counter employees at a construction site in east
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texas complained to their security company because a variety of personal items had been disappearing during the
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night one worker in particular was disturbed about the loss of two gold coins that's
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when the manager of the security company realized that he might be able to help he told the man that just two days ago
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he had to fire a security guard and when he did the guy said man i don't need
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this job i got 80 000 worth of gold coins right here these are your gold coins yeah my gold coins
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well needless to say the coins bought him a one-way ticket straight to jail several cops have realized that if you
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ask a dumb criminal to confess they usually won't but if you give them a choice they will
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a case in point from houston texas we did a ring case we had 13 stolen vehicles we got 12 of them back we had
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one more to go my new partner at the city were driving up washington i said man there it is he
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goes what there's that car we're looking for there's this monte carlo sitting there
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reading we knew we had a picture of it so we going over there and we sit up and of course the car and nobody shows up
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nobody shows up so we said well hell let's go ahead and just pick it on up the
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owner of the car calls us up over the city and says hey y'all took my car yeah once you go ahead and bring your
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paperwork and you know when you get a statement from you so he shows up his buddy brings him over
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from the appliance place and i said i'll walk out in the parking lot and see
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what they pulled up in that car stolen so we went ahead and i told the guy says hey listen us we're doing free
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inspections today why don't you go ahead and pull your car around the back and
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let's inspect it make sure it ain't stolen guy goes okay so we're putting it up on
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the rack in the warehouse i looked down there's a one of the little old match boxes in there i said i
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don't know what's in the match box opening up some cocaine in there so i walk in this man so i got some bad
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news for you man it says find this cocaine in the car says and uh the car stolen he says man he says i
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don't know nothing about that stolen car he said now that cocaine's mine he says
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but i don't know nothing about that stolen car matter of fact give me a confession i
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mean give me a statement saying you know he bought the cocaine and everything so
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it was a slam dunk case after we got done who says that toys are only for children
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this star trooper played a hunch and beamed this dumb criminal off the streets and into the brig
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in sacramento california an officer made first contact with a local drug dealer that had managed up to that point to
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elude the police the cocky crackhead didn't seem concerned until the logical law man
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without saying a word reached into his pocket produced an electronic toy that he had recently purchased and scanned
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the confused con what are you doing officer ah it's my cocaine detector hold still let me check
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this is my cocaine detector who tells me you got cocaine on you works pretty good doesn't it
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the officer's hunch was right and the frustrated ferengi immediately forked over the cocaine that he had in his
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pocket and was put on the next shuttlecraft bound for the uss penitentiary warped factor 10.
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[Music] a gang member in murray utah got his revenge on a rival member's car and also
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got caught on tape he had spotted the rival car in a service station repair lot and decided
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to take out his frustrations on the car he proceeded to jump up and down on the roof and hood break all the windows and
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slash all of the tires he left very little behind for the police to work with except for the
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surveillance tape and his wallet evidently while doing his moronic macarena his wallet fell out of his
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pants and onto the ground so with his help police were able to catch our little dirty dancer a few
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hours later as he was cooling his heels at home [Music] a smart crime is hard to find but
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there's no shortage of dumb criminals see you next week on america's dumbest
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criminals on the next episode of america's dumbest criminal a careless criminal stops the wrong
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crustacean down his pants a parachuter runs into a little technical difficulty a confused crook runs right into the
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arms of the law he's going to come get in with you an escaped khan forgets his glasses
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the laughs just keep coming on the next episode of america's dumbest criminals
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and i don't know if you're familiar with houston or not but they have a lot of
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fairies so one night we got a call of a woman clean clinging to the back of the ferry and
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she was clinging to the back of the ferry that was was not in operation screaming for help
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and uh she said what happened and she says well she says i pulled was coming down southbound on crosby lynchburg and
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she says and i stopped for the railroad crossing she says the arms were dying the lights
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were going the lights were flashing she says but i looked both ways and didn't see
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anything so she said she cut the barrier because there obviously wasn't a train
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coming what she did is she drove right off the lane the ramp onto the ferry straight into the water
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yes one time it was on days they pulled out a priority one man screaming for help in his backyard
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just before we had official training officer i was training a rookie and i said well come on let's go ahead and get
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it you know we need to get on over there we weren't probably 10 blocks away from
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it so we jump in the old car and we mainly hammered on over them all the citizens are out front they flag
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us on dinosaurs there's a guy screaming for help in the backyard really loud he
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needs help so i said okay so we the the gates locked so we go into the gate the house next to it they got
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one of them security fences on eight foot of security fence so i look on over it and i don't see
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nothing nobody in the backyard you know except the guy's got a goat and it's got damn horns and a goat
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that's what happened send that old rookie on over to make sure the coast is clear you know when i tell the old
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rookie i said hey i got you covered we're up in a tree i said i got you covered go ahead jump the fence and see
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if you can find an open window so make sure nothing happens to the goat so he jumps the fence and first window
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he goes to it's unlocked it's all right so you know he opens up the window i
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said go inside and watch me so i jumped the fence and went inside the open with it so we're sitting there we're trying
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to clear the house [Applause] screaming for help there ain't no man screaming for help
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it's just goat sounding like he's you know i guess that's the way goats taught
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so i said well we look at each other so we jump back over the bench so i tell the people hey you know there's a goat
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in that guy's backyard oh there ain't no gold in the backyard us oh yeah there is
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so you know we we cleared a call so uh since the dispatcher screened the call so well we went back in service and
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i said well clean clear of the call is a man screaming for help or man screaming for help do a goat
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and heat and show us back in there so the dispatcher thought that was real funny because the thing was radio signs
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for about five minutes [Music] you