00:00:00
[music playing] NARRATOR: Tonight on
"America's Dumbest Criminals" these thieves think
they got a car,
00:00:09
but they're about to discover
that the car's got them. Will this man buckle under
the pressure of explaining
00:00:16
the blood the
officer found nearby? And have you ever
wished the bank was open when you
wanted it to be?
00:00:23
This crook does. Place yourself under house
arrest for the next 30 minutes. Sit back and enjoy
feeling smarter
00:00:30
than America's
dumbest criminals. [music playing] NARRATOR: Now welcome
your hosts for ADC,
00:01:09
Daniel Butler and Debbie Alan. -Hi there. Thank you. Well, according to FBI
projections three out of four
00:01:19
houses will be broken
into in the next 20 years. -Oh, well that explains it. -Oh, let me guess.
00:01:24
You think that explains
why people would want to live in the fourth
house on a block?
00:01:27
-No. Well, come on, don't be silly. How could you know
whether to start counting
00:01:31
from the right or the
left of the corner? -Oh. Why do I even try to have
these conversations with you?
00:01:36
-No, what your
statistic explains is why apartments
rent for so much. -How do you figure that?
00:01:41
-Well, they're
breaking into three out of four houses, Debbie. Houses. Apparently the crooks
are so focused on houses
00:01:48
that apartments are far safer. Thus, they're more expensive. -[laughs] OK. Your logic never
ceases to amaze me.
00:01:55
-Well, don't feel
bad, all right? But just try and
keep up with us as we introduce our first story.
00:01:58
All right. I'll try. They call it a bait
car because police use it to lure car thieves into
striking and then reel them in.
00:02:06
-Although it looks
like your average SUV, it's better equipped
than a space station
00:02:10
and far more
reliable, I might add. -An onboard transmitter tracks
the vehicle by satellite
00:02:16
and remote controls make it
possible to shut the car down when the police are
ready to close in.
00:02:20
-And thanks to this
surveillance recording. We have actual thieves providing
first person testimonials
00:02:26
of the effectiveness of this
crime fighting technology. Let's see who's been
caught on camera.
00:02:36
DEBBIE ALAN
(VOICEOVER): Ever wonder what car thieves talk about? Well, you're about to find out.
00:02:44
But suddenly the joy
ride loses its joy. Trouble boys? Absolutely right. And as the endless cast of
characters takes the bait
00:03:07
and spins the wheel of
fortune, this morality play reenacted again and again. But remember, if you're
doing what you're supposed
00:03:15
to be doing there's never
any reason to panic and say Now we go from a bait car
to a man with a fishy story.
00:03:26
-You think this is
just a red herring? -I think it could be. Here's our something to remember
me by catch of the week.
00:03:36
-One day last spring
I was patrolling one of our lakes for fishermen. Came up on a group of people
who were fishing at an area
00:03:43
that the, uh, department
of natural resources had recently stocked trout. I stopped and talked to two
of them who were fishing
00:03:50
and they didn't have
fishing licenses. So I was in the process
of writing them a ticket.
00:03:55
I noticed that they seemed
pretty excited about getting a ticket, not really upset
like most people are.
00:04:02
I walked around their vehicle
with one of the people who I had just
written a ticket to
00:04:07
and saw a couple spots of
blood by their vehicle. I asked the guy if he knew
where the blood came from
00:04:14
and right whenever I asked
him that he blew his nose. So I sarcastically asked him if
the blood came out of his nose.
00:04:21
And he said, no. While I was in the process
of getting ready to search the vehicle, I glanced out
of the corner of my eye
00:04:26
and saw that his
finger in his nose digging around
pretty vigorously. And he soon walked up
to me with a tissue
00:04:34
with a couple little
drops of blood on it and explained to
me that, yes, that must be his blood because
his nose was bleeding.
00:04:41
Despite the fact that
he was able to get a couple little drops of
blood out of his nose,
00:04:46
I discovered that the
real source of the blood was a bucket of
illegally caught fish.
00:04:50
So then I wrote them a
couple more citations and told them to keep
their nose clean.
00:04:59
-Our show may not be
as educational as what you'd find on, say PBS. -Well, yeah, but think of
the entertainment value, huh?
00:05:05
When was the last
time the McLaughlin Group debated nose picking, huh? -I really can't answer that.
00:05:10
-Well, I don't think they have. We're cornering a
market here, Debbie. -[laughs] OK.
00:05:14
At any rate, we're
about to introduce you to a new meaning
for the word T bone. And no, it has nothing
to do with stake outs.
00:05:21
The vividly illustrate the term,
take a look at the surveillance video from Pinellas
Park, Florida.
00:05:26
-Well, we got information
of a, of a guy running around the county. He had attempted
to run over a bunch
00:05:30
of cops that particular night. And he was chased
by our deputies. Several cars had been
forced off the road.
00:05:37
We boxed him in and
we were able to get him to stop after
several attempts. One of the deputies,
uh, t-boned him.
00:05:45
Uh, t-bone would be
where one car is, is, uh, pretty much
stationary and another car
00:05:49
comes and with the force,
um, hits them broadside. And, uh, we took one
cruiser and just,
00:05:56
we gave him one
heck of a crunch. And, uh, stopped
him immediately. But the deputies were pretty,
uh, pretty pretty anxious
00:06:02
to get this guy in custody. So didn't really
wait to open a door. We just pulled them right
out through the window.
00:06:14
NARRATOR: In Danville,
Pennsylvania fire hydrants must be checked one
hour before all fires.
00:06:21
-Something tells me there's
some serious bureaucrats in Danville. Now we travel to Carlsbad, New
Mexico where we find a man who
00:06:27
goes postal and steals
a stamp machine. And just when it looks
like he's licked,
00:06:32
he comes up with one of
America's dumbest excuses. See what I mean. -On routine patrol myself
and another officer
00:06:42
pulled into a local restaurant. As we got out of
our vehicles we've heard a loud crash in the
back of the parking lot.
00:06:50
So we decided to investigate. At that time we noticed a
person walking across the back
00:06:54
of the parking lot
carrying a box. I start approaching the person. The other officer
got in his vehicle
00:07:00
and drove around to the
other side of the motel. And this subject began to run. So while in foot
chase with this guy
00:07:08
he starts slowing down cause
he was carrying the box, so he finally threw it down.
00:07:12
I continued to chase him. And as I got up close enough
to him I should him down.
00:07:17
As he rolled over he tried
to clear himself by stating -Thank god, officer. There, there was a man
chasing me with a gun.
00:07:24
-At the time I
said, yeah, I know. It was me. And he was arrested
for stealing a stamp
00:07:29
vending machine from
the local motel. -Detergents make all
kinds of powerful claims.
00:07:37
They can get rid of
ring around the collar, eat odors, and remove
barnacles from boats.
00:07:41
Well, actually I made
that last one up. But, so far no one's
come up with a truly
00:07:47
effective way to launder money. If they had, we
wouldn't have this story from Sharpes, Florida.
00:07:56
DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER): The
people at this pizza parlor in Sharpes, Florida,
sure know their dough.
00:08:00
And not just the kind they roll. They're good with
the green kind, too. When two pizzas were
delivered to a guest
00:08:06
at this motel
something seemed fishy. And it wasn't the anchovies. It was the money used
to pay for the pizzas.
00:08:14
The edges of the bills
were inexplicably pink. So when the driver
returned to the restaurant
00:08:19
he asked his co-worker
for her opinion. -He said, what does
this look like to you.
00:08:23
And he handed me two $10 bills. And I said like,
like a dye pack, you know exploded
from a bank, you know?
00:08:27
And we were joking
and laughing about it. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
They called police, who quickly
00:08:31
moved in on the man
with the funny money. -He had a bottle of cleaning
fluid by the bathroom sink
00:08:36
and he had most of the
money soaking in water with his cleaning
fluid trying to,
00:08:40
uh, get the red dye off of it. DANIEL BUTLER (VOICEOVER):
All together police recovered $2,400
of blushing bills.
00:08:47
-It was great. -On her show, Martha Stuart
extolls the virtues of pheasant under glass.
00:08:55
It's a good thing, we're told. Well, here at America's
Dumbest Criminals we're not so hoity toity,
but I do know a great recipe
00:09:02
for creating turkey under glass. Feast your eyes. -We got a call from our dispatch
that, uh, at a bank alarm--
00:09:10
Bank One in the Mohave Valley. -I arrived on the scene. I didn't see any cars
in the parking lot.
00:09:17
It was pretty early. I, uh, started going up
and checking the business, looking in the windows
and everything.
00:09:22
But I got to the last
window, upfront I peeked in and I could see this figure
sitting at what looked
00:09:28
like a desk right up
against the window. Well, all a sudden
the person stands up
00:09:32
and he's dressed in full
black, uh, ski mask, and he's wearing all the,
the gear and everything.
00:09:37
And he has a cup of
orange juice in his hand. I just old him,
lemme see your hands.
00:09:41
And he put them
up and I held him there until my backup got there. -All of a sudden an
alarm call comes out
00:09:46
for Deputy Sloma at
the, uh, Bank One. I'm kind of curious so
I start slow rolling
00:09:50
that way as a backup. I look in the bank and you've
got a guy standing there dressed all in black [inaudible]
with an orange juice.
00:09:56
SLOMA (VOICEOVER): He's
been very cooperative and I didn't even have
to ask any questions.
00:09:59
He just instantly
started telling me how he cut a hole
through the wall and how he knew he was done for.
00:10:04
And, you know, then he started
apologizing to me for it. So for, for wasting
my time, he called it.
00:10:10
I told him go in and
drop the orange juice. I didn't want him
putting his hands down
00:10:13
where I couldn't see them. He tells me, uh, well, I don't
want to mess up their floor.
00:10:17
And I said, well, you just
cut a hole through their wall. I don't think they're
gonna care if you
00:10:20
spill orange juice on the floor. So he dropped it. -We called for the, uh,
manager of the bank to come in.
00:10:25
We go ahead and open it up. Make entry. -The only thing he had
to say was, how are you?
00:10:30
And said, well, better than you. -And now the news, liposuction
from the fat that the land,
00:10:40
here's Daniel with
ADC headlines. -When a Nashville man who was
wanted by police needed a ride,
00:10:49
he unwittingly flagged down a
detective in an unmarked car. The hopeless hitchhiker
offered a bag of crack
00:10:56
to the driver in
exchange for a lift. Bad idea. He got a ride,
all right, but not
00:11:01
to his intended destination. A Florida dentist realized he'd
bit off more than he could chew
00:11:07
when he hired two
brothers to cut off his finger in an insurance scam. Unable to continue his practice,
he received a $1 million
00:11:15
settlement from his
insurance company. And paid the brothers $45,000. Ah, but the boys got greedy.
00:11:21
And they came back to the
dentist for another $500,000. Unwilling to keep up the rouse,
the dentist filled in the FBI
00:11:28
and fingered his accomplices. When questioned by officers
about a mysterious bulge
00:11:35
on her waistline, a Texas
woman claimed she was pregnant. But the officers
weren't born yesterday
00:11:41
and they were confident
that what she was caring wasn't a baby. And faster than
you can say, push,
00:11:48
a search revealed her
little bundle of joy. It was a 3 and 1/2 pound bag of
cocaine taped to her stomach.
00:11:55
And that closes the
file on ADC headlines, news ripped from
somewhere near the back
00:12:00
of your local newspaper. Debbie. -Years ago the Dean at a
very conservative college
00:12:10
was displeased by
the public displays of affection witnessed
on the campus. I understand, he said
somberly, that there
00:12:17
is kissing going on
right under our noses. Well, if was upset about
that, what we say about this?
00:12:27
-I was a sergeant
on routine patrol. I stopped. I see this guy sprawled
out in the grass.
00:12:32
And, uh, trying
to determine what his problem is and he's
kind of mumbling to me.
00:12:36
And I'm trying to get
some identification. And during that process
I find a vial of cocaine.
00:12:41
And when that happens he
comes to right away and says, that's that mine. I don't know what happened.
00:12:46
I don't how it got there. So I bring him back to the
station and I'm talking to him
00:12:50
and we're in room where
the, it's very well lit. And, uh, he's actually
becoming now rather surely
00:12:56
about it, indicating
that's not mine. I don't have any clue
where it came from. And as I'm looking at him, I
notice that in his moustache
00:13:03
is what appears to be a flake of
what I believed to be cocaine. So I didn't say anything to him.
00:13:08
I just, uh, handcuffed him,
went in the other room, got a napkin, wiped
across his face,
00:13:13
and was able to retrieve
the flake of cocaine. Took a black marker,
circled around it,
00:13:18
took it up to the lab. They were able to analyze
a single flake as cocaine and it kind of shot his
story out of the water.
00:13:24
And we were able to
get a warrant on him. He was a little
sheepish, but, uh, you know, what are you gonna do.
00:13:30
I mean, uh, he had his story
and we get the evidence. -There's a noticeable difference
between driving etiquette
00:13:40
in the big city and
small towns, OK? The big cities use the car
horn to say, what are you nuts
00:13:48
or move out of the way. In small towns, the horn
is used for greetings, shorthand for how's
mama and them?
00:13:55
But when you're
driving drunk a horn offers the opportunity
to tell the world that you've had a few too many.
00:14:03
See for yourself. -It was a Sunday at
about 2:00 in the morning at the end of a Saturday
night shift for me
00:14:10
when I call came out where
one of our local inebriates had called on the 9-1-1 line
saying that his mom had kicked
00:14:15
him out of house again and he
was too drunk to be walking around in public and
was wondering if we'd
00:14:19
do him a favor and
come out arrest for being drunk in public. So being the community service
oriented police department
00:14:25
we are, we figured
we'd oblige him. We drove out and located
him at the far end of a shopping center.
00:14:30
And I had my overheads going,
the lights and everything on. And on the far side
of the parking lot,
00:14:35
on the complete
opposite end, is a bar. And this bar was letting out and
apparently, uh, one of the guys
00:14:40
staggered out of bar, got into
his car, and for some reason, drove all the way up
behind my patrol car.
00:14:45
-Hey, get out of the way! I'm trying to get home! Get out! [car horn honking] Come on!
00:14:53
I don't wanna spill my drink! -Well, at this point I
decided that maybe he too needed a little talking to.
00:14:57
Walked over and as I approached
him he said something to the effect of,
hey buddy, I gave you
00:15:02
plenty of chances
to move your car. I reached in,
turned off the car, and, uh, we talked to
him a little bit more
00:15:07
and needless to say he
was quite drunk as well. So we, uh, kind of got two
for the price one that night.
00:15:12
Got a friend for you here. Why don't you go
ahead and sit up? -Hey, what's going on?
00:15:19
NARRATOR: Now let's look back
at one of ADC's greatest hits. DEBBIE ALAN (VOICEOVER): Unable
to escape from the four patrol
00:15:31
cars and police helicopter
that are in hot pursuit, the suspect's car
starts to slow down.
00:15:37
Was he up to something? No, he was down to E,
as an empty, out of gas. With cars whizzing by, he
starts to feel like he's
00:15:46
about to be roadkill
in Sansabelt slacks. Then he sees his
opening, makes his move,
00:15:51
and dashes gracefully
across the highway before falling head first over a
short fence, spilling his loot.
00:15:58
Now he may have been a robber,
but he was no litter bug. He hurriedly picks
up after himself
00:16:03
and scurries into the woods. Unfortunately for him
those stylish white slacks made it hard to
blend in with nature.
00:16:10
Before long, he's
face down in the dirt. Who knows if those slacks
will ever come clean.
00:16:22
NARRATOR: In Mesquite, Texas
it's illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.
00:16:29
-We had a call come out
that there was a robbery. They arrest this guy, and
I started to look at him
00:16:33
and I said, I, I know this guy. I've seen him before. And come to find out if he
was the trustee at the police
00:16:41
Academy where I had
just graduated from. I had seen him every
day sweeping the floors.
00:16:45
He wasn't finished
being done though. When we, when we arrested him,
we drove him back to the police
00:16:49
department and he decided
that it was time to fight. Right at that time
it was shift change,
00:16:55
so we had, uh, second
watch going off, third what's coming
on, and we also had a reserve police
officer meeting.
00:17:03
So we have 40 officers
on at that time. And this guy got pig piled. -Don't resist!
00:17:09
Don't resist! Pretty dumb. -Now we come to
our final category. -Oh, I'll take things
that go boom for $500.
00:17:17
--[laughs] Actually, the topic
is we're not making this up, but in this case they're
one and the same.
00:17:23
-Sit back and prepare
for launch from mission control in Abilene, Texas. -Toward the end of
the shift and we
00:17:34
got a call of a,
an oil tank fire. A young married couple that
lived in a trailer near the oil
00:17:39
tank battery and
a friend of theirs had decided to go
out and, and climb up on the cat walk of
the, of the oil tank.
00:17:46
-Do you think it's oil or gas? -These aren't small tanks. These hold a couple
hundred barrels of oil
00:17:51
-I have a lighter. -Oh, man, that'll probably--
well I don't know. Well, yeah, that'd
probably work.
00:17:55
-Leaned into the hatch
and flicked his lighter. And sure enough, he told us
later that he saw a fireball.
00:18:04
The whole top of
the tank blew off. All he saw was orange
flame all around and they were flying from
the catwalk to the ground.
00:18:12
A short time later they
called an ambulance because they started realizing
they were pretty badly hurt.
00:18:19
Unbelievable that
somebody could say, I hope this doesn't blow up and
then flick a lighter in a oil
00:18:23
tank. -You know, I guess that's
why they never held Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts
at oil refineries.
00:18:31
-How's that? -Well, all it would
take is one guy with a lighter yelling,
free bird, man!
00:18:35
Poof. They'd all be gone. -Yeah, and I'm
sure plenty of guys have gone poof at
Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts.
00:18:40
-You think? Really? -Uh huh. And now it's time for us to go
poof, or at least say goodbye.
00:18:45
But before we do, we'd like
to thank you for joining us and extend our special
thanks to the officers who
00:18:50
helped us with tonight's show. -Law enforcement officers have
a tough and often thankless job,
00:18:55
but we here at ADC
wanna go on record as being your biggest fans. -And if you're a fan of our
show we'd love to hear from you.
00:19:01
You can drop us an email
by visiting our website. -The address www.dumbcrimes.com.
00:19:07
-As always we hope
that we've all learned from others mistakes. -But if you haven't we just
might see you next week
00:19:14
on "America's
Dumbest Criminals." -Bye bye. [applause] [music playing]