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-Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals." -Welcome to another edition of
"America's Dumbest Criminals."
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NARRATOR: On this episode of
"America's Dumbest Criminals--" -Put your hands up on
the top of your head.
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NARRATOR: A girl and her bottled
up robber, a freaky fumigation burglar, a stoned stooge
in rocky mountain high.
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-Sir, have you been
drinking or smoking pot? -Might be some pot in the car. NARRATOR: All this
and more, coming up
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on America's Dumbest Criminals. Here's your host, Daniel Butler. -You know those
commercials for bug control
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that state, bugs check in,
but they don't check out? Well, this pest decided
to test that theory.
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After spotting a home one night
that was tented for fumigation, our pesky poacher
decided he would
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stop and pick up a few things. However, he soon realized
that it wasn't just potpourri that had been
sprayed in the house.
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Paramedics were
called to the scene and quickly showered
and shampooed our disoriented dummy,
who was quaffed,
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cuffed, and then carted off to
the hospital for a quick tuneup where he won't bug anyone
for a good long time.
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Poets and songwriters
have long been inspired by the snow-covered
peaks of Colorado.
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But as we see in this
next police report, there's always the
possibility of running
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into a different kind
of Rocky Mountain high. -Look at that guy. He must be drunk
driving or something.
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Look at that. NARRATOR: In Parker,
Colorado, most folks are god-fearing and law abiding.
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This is not one of them. -Following a gray Miata,
high rate of speed. NARRATOR: In a big
city, this would
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mean immediate backup
and assistance. But on the country
lanes and rural routes,
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an officer often acts alone. -Put your hands up. Put your hands up on the wheel.
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NARRATOR: Burned twice, this
congenial cop gets serious. He speeds ahead, blocks
the suspect's vehicle,
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and gets his man. -What is your problem? Why didn't you stop
when I pulled you over?
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-Oh, Officer, that ambulance,
it keeps following me. -Sir, have you been
drinking or smoking pot?
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-Well, actually
yes, a little bit. -Is there any more
dope in the car? -Actually, there is.
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Yeah. -Step out of the car. Put your hands up on top of
your head where I can see them.
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-Do drugs damage brain cells? Ask this persistent
country police officer and this loony mountain man
who will be enjoying the Rocky
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Mountains through his cell
window for the next few weeks. Officer David Knight talks
about how his partner's bark
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turned out to be
more than his bite. -I have a funny
non-dog but dog story. I had a partner that used to
tape record my dog barking.
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He'd make my dog
bark, and then he'd tape record it,
think it was funny. One night while I was off
and he was driving around,
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he saw a suspect run from a car
area and ran into some bushes. So he gets on his PA system.
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It was a Hispanic person, and
he says in Spanish for the guy to come out or
he'll send the dog.
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And he turns his tape recorder
on and makes the dog barking. And about 30 illegal
aliens all pop out
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of this bush because
of the dog barking. -By following the
lead dog, he was able to find the whole pack.
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-That suspect suddenly climbed
out from underneath the car, put his hands atop his
head, and says please,
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please, please,
don't set the dog. All in a day's work, that's it. Anything else?
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We'll throw the dog back in. You know? -Here in America's
Dumbest Criminals, we see a lot of
evidence directly
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tying culprits to the crime. In this case, down in
Chattanooga, Tennessee, the square head
used a double knot
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to wrap himself up
for the authorities. The young man on trial
here-- let's call him
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Freddie-- was accused of
robbing a convenience store. Yes, he was captured half a
mile from the crime with a trail
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of stolen cigarettes behind him. And yes, in the bushes
nearby were his ski mask,
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black gloves, and a BB gun with
his name engraved on the side. Of course, his plea
was not guilty.
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-I'm not saying this
is not how it is. But don't you think
that the cop could have put my name on the gun?
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-Believe it or not, his
grand conspiracy theory did nothing to
help free Freddie,
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nor did the sworn
testimony of the police. -As soon as we drove up on
him, he started yelling.
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I didn't do it, I didn't do it! -But Freddie did do
it-- time, that is. Lots of it.
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-This is going to be exciting. -Hi, I'm Daniel
Butler, and this is a festive holiday
dish, Beaumont bacon.
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-Served hot. On a chafing dish. -Chafing. We've all been tempted to use
handicap parking spaces before.
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-I haven't. -But know that they are
there for a purpose-- for the handicapped. However, these dumb
criminals didn't realize
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that lack of brains still
doesn't qualify them. -No? -No, I'm afraid not. An officer was crossing through
the parking lot of a mall
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when he spotted a car
parked in the handicap zone with the driver still in
it and no handicap sticker.
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He pulled his patrol
car right behind him, and before he could
get out, another man
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approached the parked
car, seemingly oblivious to the police car
right behind it.
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-Well, we're going down. -And the two guys began to talk. Just as the officer
approached, the officer
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witnessed an exchange
of drugs for money. -That's how it's done here. -It's called a drug deal.
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-That's called a drug deal. -That was the officer's
cue to exchange the drugs for handcuffs, which he did
very quickly for both men.
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-I would think so. That's a good thing. -So now it's a
handcuffed parking space.
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-And you have to have a
special sticker for that. -Handcuffed. -Handcuffed. -With a little-- like
that on the rear.
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-How does it go again? -The-- -Excellent.
Very good. -Thank you. -If having a lack
of brains qualified
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for being handicapped,
say, we'd have a parking lot full
of dumb criminals. Just like this one, Daniel.
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An officer had just
received a report of a car stolen near midnight. -That's an Eric Clapton song.
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-It is. (SINGING) After midnight,
you want it all. That's a different
song though, isn't it?
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Within 20 minutes,
the car was found in a parking lot next to a bar. Rather than wait for someone
to come out and claim it,
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the officer called the
bar and told the bartender that unless the owner came
out and claimed the car,
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it would be ticketed. And within a couple of minutes,
our dopey driver did come out,
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staggering, of course. And he came out to
his car and right into the open arms
of the police.
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-To serve and protect. Ah, come to papa. But wait-- there's more. Yet another parking lot story.
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But this one took place
even closer to home. -How close? -Real close. A man was released
from a Fort Worth jail
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after serving time
for car theft. He was processed and allowed
to walk out the front door
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a free man-- which
lasted about 10 minutes. He was brought
back into the jail a few moments later for
attempting to steal another car
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right there in front of
the police department. -He wanted to get away from
that place really fast.
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Which brings us to our
"Vidiot of the Week." NARRATOR: An officer was
patrolling the interstate when
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he got a call about a
car headed his way going the wrong way on the interstate. The car pulled right
up to the officer.
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It turns out the female
driver just needed directions. -Can I help you, ma'am? -Yeah.
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Can you tell me where
the crack house is? -Excuse me? -The crack house. -The crack house?
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-Yeah. Do you know where it is? -I'll tell you what. Let me come out here. Why don't you--
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NARRATOR: Instead of giving her
directions to the crack house, the officer just gave her
a ride to the clank house.
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-Forget your license, and
you may have a problem. Forget it in a
stolen car, well--
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An officer and his partner
followed a speeding car until it stopped and the
driver went into a house.
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When they learned that
the vehicle was stolen, they inspected the car and
were surprised to discover
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the driver's license
on the front seat. The officers then
asked to see the driver
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and told him he had left
his license in the car. When he proceeded to get
it, they arrested him.
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That's not quite the
end of it, either. When he was booked,
he asked the officers
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what he should do
with his heroin. They said not to worry about it. They would just add it to
his charges at no extra cost.
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Sometimes, you just have to show
people what you're capable of to make them behave,
like this next "show me"
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story from Missouri City, Texas. -One day, another
officer and I got a call on an individual that was
rather mentally unstable.
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He had been over City Hall
whistling, screaming, yelling. We were obviously not
wanting to take him to jail.
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We wanted to try
and find a family member to come get
him or something. So while we were going
through his possessions,
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the other officer
found a letter. And in the hopes that there
would be an address of a family
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member or his name
on there, we were going to try to get
it and find a location to get somebody to
come pick this guy up.
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Well, he started eating it. And so the officer
started struggling with him to get the letter back.
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Well, I've taught defensive
tactics over the years, so while they were
wrestling I thought,
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well, I'm going to put an
end to this little struggle. So I walked over to the
pile and reached in,
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and got a thumb and
bent it all the way back with a pain
compliance hold. And sure enough, it worked.
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The fight broke up immediately. What I didn't know was I
had the officer's thumb,
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and not the mental suspect. And the fight was
over, and the officer transported the guy
down to the mental cell
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down at Portland County
Jail, the holding cell down there for
mental patients. And he got curious on
the way down there,
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and he asked this
guy, you were really getting the better of me. What made you give
up so quickly?
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And he said, man, I saw what
that sergeant did to you. I was afraid what
he would do to me.
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-An officer from the Knox
County Sheriff's Department in Knoxville, Tennessee sent us
this story about a drunken duck
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hunter who went
afoul of the law. The man was so
intoxicated, he didn't even see the officer dead ahead
of him when he left the bar.
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-He's going to try to leave. Staggering out of this bar. Now he knows the
police are here.
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Come on over here,
right over here. -Right over here? -Right over there. -What seems to be the problem?
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-You right now. You've had too much to drink. -No. -No, no. -You got a license? NARRATOR: The man proudly
produced and handed
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to the officer his
duck hunting license. -This is a hunting license. -And fishing.
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-And fishing. NARRATOR: When the man finally
found his driver's license, the officer ran a
check on it and found
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that it had been revoked. The man was arrested after he
failed a field sobriety test.
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-The next day, the
officer received a phone call from
the drunken man. The man was quite agitated,
and said that he could not
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find his hunting
and fishing license. Apparently, drunk driving and
driving on a revoked license
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was OK. But the man didn't want to go
hunting without his license, because he was afraid the
game warden would catch him
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and he would get
thrown in jail again. Don't ever underestimate
the power of the written
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word or a sweet-faced
grandmother. Both figure in to
our next story. We call it "The Bank
Bandit Running."
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A New Mexico grandmother
wandered into a bank to make a withdrawal. But when she handed over
her withdrawal slip,
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she was unaware that
one of her grandchildren had written "this is a
holdup" across the top.
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[indistinct talking] -Is there a problem, ma'am? -I just-- I want my
money [inaudible].
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-[inaudible]. -Well, I don't care. I'm not holding up a bank. I just want my money.
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-I just want my money. -I'm sorry. -I'm happy to report
that the scuffle ended and everything was cleared up.
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Grandma was set free, the
bank got to keep its money. Though I loathe to think what
the punishment was for her goof
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off grandchild. (SINGING) Do you know
where you're going to? Do you like the things that
life's been showing you?
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Chances are, if you're
a dumb criminal, the answer to those
questions will be no,
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as this geographically
challenged individual plainly shows. NARRATOR: A probation
officer in Tucson, Arizona
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told us he received a call
one day from one of his felons letting him know that
he'd skipped the country
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and was now beyond the law. When the officer asked
where the man had fled to, he was met with a
highly humorous answer--
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-Yeah, I'm in Puerto Rico. -Wow, you're where? In Puerto Rico? Well, I'll tell you what, why
don't you give me your address
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and stuff, and I can mail
out some paperwork to you. You can fill it out,
send it back to me
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so we can end this
probation on you. -Much to the officer's
surprise, the felon did give him his address in the
US territory of Puerto Rico.
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And the geography class
dropout was quickly scooped up by the San Juan Police
Department a few hours later.
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A suspect in a robbery
involving two men in masks was being questioned at
the Denton County Jail.
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After a few moments
of getting nowhere, the resourceful investigator
took out a computer sketch
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of a man whose face was
completely obscured by a mask. -It's a picture
of one of the guys
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that was involved
in the burglary. You recognize him? -Oh, man. -You know who that is?
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-Yeah, it's a picture of me. -That's you? -That's me. NARRATOR: The stunned
detective then
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showed him another,
also unrecognizable. -Those are my friend Johnny. -Let me get this straight.
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This is you, and this
is your friend John? -Yeah. -He was quickly picked up
and taken down to the station
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to be with his paranormal
partner with the x-ray vision. It's been proven that
smoking is bad for you.
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But this dumb criminal found
out that stealing smokes and running from the
police, it's even worse.
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NARRATOR: An officer
witnessed a man of steal a carton of cigarettes
from the store
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and pursued the light-fingered
loser as he exited. The Marlboro moron tried
to make a break for it,
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but he didn't get far. It's not that he was winded. No, he just learned a
very important lesson
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that the Surgeon General has
yet shared with the public-- running into poles may also
be hazardous to your health.
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What a drag. -Kids are supposed to look to
their parents for guidance. But if the parents are
dumb criminals too,
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then the family business
has nowhere to go but down. NARRATOR: An officer in
Porterville, California
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was trying to find a boy
who had been identified by several witnesses
as the main suspect
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in a series of service
station robberies. But each time the officer
tried to catch him at home,
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the prickly parents swore their
son was out looking for a job. -The officer was sure that
they were hiding him somewhere
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in the house, and
came up with a plan. NARRATOR: He had another
officer call the parents
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and say that he was the
owner of a local donut shop and that he had heard that
their son needed a job.
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The perplexed couple said,
yes, set up an appointment for their son,
promising he'd be there.
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Later that afternoon,
the slacker son and his mental mentors
showed up and were quickly taken into custody.
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The son was arrested for the
robberies and the parents for harboring a known criminal.
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-I guess the family
the plays together really does stay
together-- in jail. Sure, a lot of places give free
samples to their customers.
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But we found one liquor
store in Tulsa, Oklahoma where the clerks even
take care of the crooks.
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Here's some actual surveillance
footage to show what we mean. NARRATOR: As you
can see, this man
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walks in the shop looking
like he might buy something. But he quickly and quietly lets
the women behind the counter
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know that he has a gun
and wants their money. Not overly impressed with
his laid back technique,
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employee Jean Casey
decided to see if liquor goes to the goofy gunman's head. This guy's got a hard head.
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Coworker Debbie Elson
tries some Napa Red. Ouch. That's wine on his
forehead, folks, not blood.
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This round was
definitely on him. But when the final bell
rang, the women stood tall,
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and our wobbly wino was quickly
arrested and sent to prison. -Well, our bumbling
buffet is now closing.
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But please join us next as
we serve up another heaping helping of hapless hoodlums here
on America's Dumbest Criminals.
00:17:27
NARRATOR: On the next episode
of America's Dumbest Criminals, a loony landlord in "Shell
Shock," silly swindlers
00:17:35
in "Swipe and wipe," a hairy
hoodlum in "Heist Anxiety," a repeat performance
in "Rice Man Cometh."
00:17:44
-You don't remember me? -I don't know you. -Three years ago. I have been promoted.
00:17:49
NARRATOR: All this and
more on the next episode of America's Dumbest Criminals. -We have a little
mountain peak around here
00:17:58
that's called Mount Helix where
we have to close every night, and we get the lover's
lane type of place.
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You've got to close it down. And I had pulled up there,
gotten out of my car, and left the driver's door open.
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I walked around quietly to
make sure nobody was around, and then I returned
to my vehicle.
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I climbed back in my vehicle,
and I drove down the road. Suddenly, I heard a
noise in the backseat.
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Evidently, while I had
left my vehicle alone, a skunk had climbed
inside my vehicle.
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I then spent the spend the
rest of my shift, which is another two or three hours,
driving about 120 miles an hour
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with all the doors and windows
down and all the windows down on the car back and
forth on the freeway
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trying to blow all this out. I couldn't get rid of it. I happen to have a car partner
that comes in in the morning
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that is the meanest deputy
that you could ever, ever have. He hates everybody in the
world, hates other deputies.
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And he's my car partner, and
I have just stunk up the car, and he's going to
have to get in it.
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So I get all my stuff out,
and I leave a half hour early. I drive across the street to my
own car, get my binoculars out,
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and I wait for him to come out. The entire shift
that I worked with stayed over to watch him walk
out to get into this car.
00:19:04
In the binoculars,
I'm watching him walk out to the car
looking irritated. About 10 people,
including the Sergeant,
00:19:10
follow him all the
way out to the car. As he promptly, angrily
because he's being followed,
00:19:15
gets into the car, closes the
door, immediately the door opens and he pops
back out again.
00:19:20
And of course, I have
to-- I'm alive today.