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NARRATOR: This is
an ADC Warning. The crimes you are
about to see are true. Only the names were changed
to protect the ignorant.
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[theme music] NARRATOR: Tonight on "America's
Dumbest Criminals," you'll see a break-in at
the wrong house,
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a pantie plucker who
has to pay the piper, and a dumb criminal
who almost got away.
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These are just a few of
America's dumbest criminals. -Welcome to "America's
Dumbest Criminals."
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I'm Daniel Butler. If you find yourself
tempted to commit one of the crimes
portrayed on this show,
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you may be stupid, and
eligible for our Witless Protection Plan. But right now,
you're about to meet
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the elite of the
criminally inept as we open the files on
America's dumbest criminals.
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NARRATOR: Our first case comes
from St. Louis, Missouri, a case we call
"Red Hot Robbery."
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Two men entered a convenience
store, demanding cash, but they had no weapons. The crime wasn't working
out like the ones on TV,
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so they were ready
to call it a day, but not before one of the
dummies stole a hot dog
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and crammed it into his mouth. Now he's choking on the
weenie he just stole. The clerk calls 911, as
the robber is completely
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obstructed by the
purloined pork product. Would he receive
death by hot dog for foiled hot stop robbery?
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-There he is. Right there. That's the jerk. NARRATOR: It was
up to the police to save the robber's life.
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Will they get the weenie out? Will he return the last
of the stolen merchandise?
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Yes! We have the weenie back. Let's see that one more time. Yes, there it is. The weenie has been returned.
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The man was arrested,
later convicted, and put on pork probation and
given a heavy frankfurter fine.
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-It's enough to put a lump
in your throat, isn't it? NARRATOR: It is against the
law to possess a machine gun.
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It is also against the
law to dress like a clown and possess a
really big shotgun.
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A good safe cracker is
considered to be a specialist. It requires a surgeon's
hand, a gambler's touch,
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and the finesse of a puppeteer. -I went on a call. And it was a burglary, and it
was a burglary of a business.
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And these people had a safe. The burglars came in, and they
used jacks, and sledgehammers
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and drills in that safe, and
then all kind of things, too. I mean just completely destroyed
it, never did get into it.
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So I came in to take the
report as a police officer. -Well, this ain't been
around for 20 years.
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They used some sort
of sledgehammer on it. -They said, what
makes us mad is they
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went and destroyed this safe. And he says, the only thing
we have it here for is looks.
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And he said, it's
not even locked, and all he would have had to
have done was turn the handles
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and open it up. NARRATOR: ADC Quiz number 143. As of 1994, which of the
following four states
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had the largest
prison population? Was it A, Florida; B, Texas;
C, New York; or D, California.
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The correct answer
is D, California. Probably because of their great
prison entertainment programs.
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When a burglar entered the
home of two elderly sisters through an unlocked
window, he thought
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he was in for some
easy pickings. He thought wrong. This lady grabbed her cane,
and just whaled on him.
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-He came in that
window over there. See he-- he unlatched
it, and raised it. And then I asked my
sister, I said now,
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are the windows all closed. She said, yes. -And I said, I'm going
to take this stick,
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and I'm not gonna stop
until I beat you to death, or either you go. And it wasn't long
before he hollers out,
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please stop hitting my penis. Please stop. And I kept on whaling on
him right in the same spot.
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I know at least three times. -Is this is a swell
country, or what? NARRATOR: Coming up on
"America's Dumbest Criminals,"
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an undercover officer
gets assistance from an unusual source. NARRATOR: Our next dumb criminal
made the mistake of blinking,
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drinking, and driving. -I was working midnight
shift one-- one night, and it was like 3 o'clock,
3:30 in the morning,
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that boring time when
you're trying to stay awake. And I'm driving down
one of our main drags,
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and there's no other car
on the road except me. And this other car
that's coming at me,
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and his emergency
flashers are flashing. So I didn't have
anything else to do, and it is against the law to
ride with your flashers on.
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So I turned around,
and I was going to make sure the guy
didn't need anything. And I pulled him over, and
I walked up to his car.
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And I said, is everything OK? He says, yeah, why? I said, well you're
emergency flashers are on.
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-Well the reason why I stopped
you, your flashers are on. -Oh, yeah. Well, that's because I'm
really, really drunk.
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And I didn't want
anybody to hit my car. -So, I promptly arrested
for drunk driving
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as he stumbled out of his car. NARRATOR: The man was
arrested for driving under the influence,
but not for flashing.
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And now, actual
surveillance cam footage of a neighborhood crack dealer. -We received a lot of complaints
from this area town concerning
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street-level drug
dealers, basically taking over the neighborhood. So what we did is we
went to this area,
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and did what we
call a drug sweep, where we go into
a neighborhood, we try to arrest as many
drug dealers as we can,
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and those that we
can't arrest, we run them off of
that street corner. NARRATOR: This is
actual surveillance cam
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footage of an
undercover officer. He's the one in the white
shirt and blue jeans.
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He's been trying for
several hours to sell drugs, and couldn't get
one car to stop.
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Then he was approached
by the helpful citizen in the white shorts
who wanted to teach
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the officer how to sell crack. To demonstrate, he flagged down
the first car that came by.
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Unfortunately,
that car contained two other undercover
officers who were bringing our
narcotics officer lunch.
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Now everyone in the picture is
a cop, except the guy leaning in the window in
the white shorts.
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-Let me tell you
something, all right? -And we were just all
in a state of shock,
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couldn't believe that this
guy was-- was that stupid, to not only sell to
two undercover cops,
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but get the cocaine
from an undercover cop, which in return he sold us. And as we get out
of the car, he just
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started-- he just sat
there, and he just said, I can't believe I did this. And he went to jail for
possession of cocaine,
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the sale and
delivery of cocaine. NARRATOR: And now, inside the
courtroom for trial and error.
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An officer tells
on the stand how two dumb criminals had
their number come up. -Officer Word, what did you
find at the scene of the crime?
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-Well uh-- we discovered
a cash machine, with a chain attached to
it, and a loose bumper.
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The chain was fastened
to a loose bumper that was just lying in the road. -Well, with only a chain
attached to a cash machine,
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and the chain fastened
to a broken bumper, how could you
suspect my clients? -Well, the bumper still had
their license plate on it.
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NARRATOR: In Kentucky, it used
to be against the law for a boy to ask a girl in a
bikini on a date.
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But you could propose marriage
to a giant girl in a bonnet. -Now we've all heard
the saying, there's
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never a cop around
when you need one. Well, we're finding out that
for the criminal at least,
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there's always a cop around
when you don't want one. Here is "Don't call the Police."
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-Well this one is about
a-- a break-in at my house. I used to work uh--
11:00 to 7:00 shift.
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And I had been to
court uh-- uh-- most all that morning
when I got off work from 11:00 to 7:00 shift.
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And I got home about one
o'clock in the afternoon. So I went to bed. And uh-- I was awakened
by a crash at the window.
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[glass breaking] TIMOTHY WALKER:
Somebody had thrown a brick through the window.
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So I jumped up,
put on my clothes, started looking around
the house from the inside,
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but I didn't turn on any lights. And uh-- I could see this guy on
the side of my house, you know,
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and it looked like he was
gonna-- gonna come in. So I was just in the
hallway with my gun,
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and I had radioed for
some-- some officers to come and give
me some assistance. And he came into the house.
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And when he came in, he
came in with his head down. And by the time he looked
up, I had my gun in his face,
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and I turned the light on. And he started
begging for his life. -Please don't call the police.
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Please don't call the police. Please. -Please, please don't
call the police. And I said to him, I
said, fool look around.
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I am the police. So, you know, not only did he
get a house where he thought nobody was home, but he got a
house where somebody was home
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and it was the police. So that-- I thought that
was a pretty dumb story. NARRATOR: Coming up on
"America's Dumbest Criminals,"
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a dealer who would
like to be formally introduced to his
arresting officer. [theme music]
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-Officer Dimitri Cannon once
told ADC that you might not think you're a dumb criminal,
but drugs and alcohol
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can make you as
dumb as want to be. Here's proof, about 90 proof. -Did you ever see Otis
Campbell on Andy Griffith?
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The guy looked like
that to start with. He's got, you know,
thinning gray hair, kind of heavyset round face.
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And uh-- I get a
call that there's a-- at the-- it's
the Royal Go-go. It's a-- it's a bar here.
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And it sits right next
to the interstate. But to get-- you can't
just go from the club
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to the interstate,
because there's like an eight-foot
drop, or maybe five-foot drop off
the parking lot
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before you get to
the interstate. But the drunks always
want to drive off straight
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to the interstate, because it's
right there at the on ramp. Well, I get there,
and there's a car,
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front tires off--
off the ledge there. The front-- the back
tires are smoking. And I walk up the door,
and he's in there driving,
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and he's looking
like he's waiting to get to the interstate, like
he just thinks he's driving.
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So I knock on his
window, and looks at me, and like he's surprised
I'm keeping up
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with him without a
car, or something. It was just really funny. I get him out of the car,
and of course, he's drunk.
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He's wet on himself,
and he's staggering, looking just like Otis Campbell. -Was I speeding, officer?
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-Probably. NARRATOR: The driver
was arrested for DUI, and could have
been issued a DAI,
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driving above the interstate. In Atlantic City it used
to be against the law to dunk your doughnuts
with your fingers.
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And thus was born the
doughnut on the string. And now, the story of a
dumb criminal who was guilty
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of everything, but being tardy. -It's about 9 o'clock at
night, I was running radar.
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It was a 35-mile-an-hour zone,
and this lady comes around the curve doing 52 miles an
hour in a brand new Mercedes.
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I clocked her in, locked it in. I turned on my blue lights. Before she even
got up to the car,
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she went ahead and pulled over. And I swung in behind her. I walked up to the
car, ma'am may I
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see your driver's license. Yes, officer. And she handed me
her driver's license.
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She says, officer I
have one question. I said, what's that? And she said, how long
have you been sitting
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there waiting to
pull somebody over? I said, about three minutes. She said, well I got
here as fast as I could.
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-It should be obvious by
now that a lot of policemen and women have a
good sense of humor.
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The driver was let
off with a warning. NARRATOR: In Missouri, it
used to be against the law
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to drive with an uncaged bear. But it was legal to roll
an elephant down the road
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sideways. And now let's go to
Knoxville, Tennessee, where Foster Arnett is about
to tell us of a brainless bank
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robber who thought he saw
a window of opportunity. -Where we got a call of an
armed robbery in progress,
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and when we got there
uh-- the tellers and-- and the people
inside the bank were
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rather hysterical laughing. And the officer asked,
what was so funny. And-- and the story goes
that this suspect pulled
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into the drive-up teller window. He gets out of his
car, pulls a gun and tells the teller that
he wants all the money,
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and she just started
laughing at him. -Give me your money. Give me all your money
right now in there.
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Come on. Give me your money, now. Money-- what-- what
are you laughing at? What?
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-It's bullet-proof glass. There's nothing you can do. MICHAEL CULBERSON: And he
cursed, and just turned around
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and walked off. NARRATOR: This dumb criminal's
attempted withdrawal led to his early
deposit in jail.
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And now actual
surveillance cam footage of a dumb criminal we
call "The Pantie Plucker."
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Vickie Vance noticed
undergarments missing every wash
day from her line. So Vickie Vance set up her own
clothes line surveillance cam.
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That night, Vickie
Vance was vexed when she viewed the video. There was transient truck
driver, Peter Piedmont,
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plucking panties big as day. Peter plucked a plethora of
panties, but then he panicked.
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Now Peter is paying for his
pantie plucking in the pen. Now a case we call,
hi, my name is Steve.
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I'll be your dealer today. -I went to this bar here in town
which is a bar that it's just
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known for people that
hang out in the bar, involved in illegal drugs. And uh-- I went in
this bar one day,
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and I was actually looking
for a particular person. Meanwhile, this other
guy is standing there,
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and I start talking to him,
and we talked for probably 30 minutes, and I said,
it was getting late
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and I was fixing to want
to leave and go home. So I said, I'll just do a--
take a shot in the dark.
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And I asked him, I said-- -You don't know where I
can get any reefer, do you? UNDERCOVER OFFICER:
And he sat there.
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And he said, as a
matter of fact I do. Now the whole time
I'm sitting here thinking how am I going to
find out who this guy is?
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Because if I arrest
him on the spot, then everybody else
in there is going to be aware that I
am a police officer.
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And that hinders me for the
next time I go in this bar. So we go out, and
I'm still worried,
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how am I going to
identify this guy? But right before he pulled
a bag of pot of his pocket,
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and right before he
sold it to me, he said-- -Yeah, I don't know. You could be a cop
for all I know.
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Have you got any ID on you? -Yeah, yeah sure. I-- now I don't know you either. I mean maybe I
should see some ID.
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-That's cool. UNDERCOVER OFFICER: And
he opens up his wallet, and hands me his
driver's license,
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and I memorize his
name, his date of birth, and his home address off
of his driver's license.
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So we made the sale. He left, and I wrote it down. And I got a warrant
for him to pick
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him up at his
house a week later. [sirens] [theme music] NARRATOR: Now, a stick-up man
who doesn't stick around long.
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This is actual surveillance
cam footage of a man entering a store who pulls out a
rifle from under his jacket.
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He demands the money, and as
the clerk opens the drawer, our dumb criminal goes
to pick the pocket
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of the elderly gentleman. But watch what he
does with the gun. He's laid it down
on the counter.
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What was this dumb
criminal thinking? Can I just set this here while
I pick the old guy's pocket?
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And what was old man thinking? If he were 20 years
younger, he'd grab that gun. And the clerk was thinking,
gosh, I am 20 years younger.
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I can grab that gun. So he does. Now watch what
happens when the clerk tries to return the man's gun.
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Sir, sir, I believe
this is yours. Do you recognize the bullets? The largest jailbreak in
history occurred in Tehran, Iran
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when retired colonel Arthur
"Bull" Simmons led a band of 14 to free two
imprisoned Americans.
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11,000 other prisoners took
advantage of the break. Unfortunately, the
escape route went right
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through the city's open sewer. You've heard the
rhetorical question why do you think
they call it dope?
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Well here's why. -We were working a reverse stand
one time with another city. We had a drug task force
doing street-level narcotics
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enforcement. And we put police officers
out on the street posing as-- as crack dealers.
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Business was so good
we had about 10-12 guys in this little room
that needed to be
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transported over to the jail. So we had this
Sergeant come over in a van that had police
written all over it.
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We were kind of taking a break. And um-- and so he gets out. And he has on a black t-shirt
with big block letters,
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says police all over
it, and his gun belt. And, you know, obviously a
police officer in a police van.
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And he went inside, and he was
leading this big pack of people all in handcuffs and
shackles back out to the van.
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And a guy walked up and
tried to buy crack from them. Like right there, with a
van, and like 12 prisoners.
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And this-- this
Sergeant with police written all over
it on his t-shirt. So that was
definitely the dumbest
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criminal I've ever
seen in my life. -I'd like to take a moment
to thank the law enforcement
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officers of the
world who have such a hard time keeping
a straight face. Thanks to those brave officers,
and to you for watching.
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I'm Daniel Butler saying don't
be dumb, don't break the law. [theme music] [theme music]