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00:00:45
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00:00:51
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00:01:58
Technically, right now, as we're speaking these words, we're in the podcast loft.
00:02:01
But technically, as you're listening to these words, we're in the UK. We're in Europe.
00:02:06
We're in Paris, France. We fucking are international spies. And we're gone. We're using different kinds of plugs.
00:02:15
You wouldn't even recognize the plugs that we're using right now. Our hair looks incredible because of these plugs.
00:02:19
If you're awake, we're sleeping. It's nuts. It's a world away. Yeah. And also, we're becoming refined.
00:02:25
we were having hot cuisine. I bet these fucking zits on my face have healed up. I bet they've healed up and been replaced by beauty marks.
00:02:35
I bet you're right. Sparkles. Parisian sparkles. We're not going to France, right?
00:02:40
I just wanted to say this. This is a throwback from the last normal episode we had.
00:02:48
Which was for us yesterday. Right. We don't know what kind of time, space continuum we're breaking right now.
00:02:55
But I talked about I had done the Lindbergh baby kidnapping slash murder. Right.
00:03:03
And that was suggested to me. And I said it was suggested. I just didn't know the person's name.
00:03:08
She went ahead and tweeted me real time today, weeks ago to you. Her name was Sophia.
00:03:16
She's at Balistros on Twitter. And she replied to let me know, Karen Kogariff, hey, girl, I'm the one who recommended the Lindbergh kidnapping.
00:03:24
I cried. And then she attached a picture of her dog. And the dog is wearing a white croc on its head, like a little bit like the Pope.
00:03:34
Like a helmet. Yeah. Or like the guys in London. Oh, yeah. Like a soldier in front of the palace.
00:03:40
Or like a band leader, like a marching band leader. Yes. But with a croc. With a croc.
00:03:45
A chinstrap around the TV show. The shoe. The shoe or croc. Yes. Not a crocodile.
00:03:51
No. That would be dangerous. And wrong. Thank you, Sophia, for being there for me both times.
00:03:58
Getting no credit, coming back. Now you're getting all the credit. Like responding in a positive light.
00:04:03
Not like, oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't get credit. It's like, here's a fucking hilarious photo.
00:04:07
You know what I would have done if she said, oh, my God, I can't believe I didn't get credit?
00:04:10
What? Mute. Mute. How many people would be muted on Twitter? Mute. Oh, you can look into it, but I would guess that over 35,000 people.
00:04:20
I can't. The second I read anything that impacts me in any way, I mute it. I don't give a shit.
00:04:26
Okay. I don't. I'm impressed. I'm not there to take. This isn't like the suggestion box.
00:04:33
I'm not on Twitter so I can hear everybody's fucking thoughts and feelings. I'm there to write some awesome jokes and also the worst jokes possible.
00:04:41
And then chit-chat with my friends. No one will ever. You'll never get, I mean, just your description of who you are.
00:04:50
What's it called? The bio? Their bio. Yeah. There's nothing better than that on Twitter.
00:04:55
And there never will be. Say what it is. Karen Kilgareff is your handle or whatever.
00:05:01
Karen Kilgareff? It's Karen Kilgareff, yeah. And then it says like bio when I'm like, I am a co-host.
00:05:06
Mine is like, I'm a co-host of my favorite murder podcast. And I talk about food on Cooking Channel.
00:05:11
Like, email me here. And yours just says TVVCR repair. It's the best. Yeah. that's okay you know that didn't from the original like from the gecko it yes and i used to have my
00:05:27
avatar used to be a picture of brett summers on match game that's smoking which is my favorite
00:05:32
she was smoking and looking super over it yeah um but then mandy took that awesome highly
00:05:38
photoshopped photo our friend mandy johnson who took those photos that is not my picture and
00:05:42
uh anyway um so you cut me out of that and you put yourself i was like get her out i had to
00:05:48
photoshopped georgia out of my frame just so i could stand out of my light come on it my time hey do speaking of should i go first please do all right this is called I always forget We don do chitty chatty stuff at the top of any episodes No we don have to and we shouldn
00:06:06
But I had to shout out Sophia because she helped me do my homework. This is called...
00:06:11
And then we found Opa stole from Nazis. Ooh. So these are your stories, by the way.
00:06:17
They're hometown murders and so much more. And Stephen has called these ones specifically from Europe.
00:06:23
Right. But Stephen did a great job. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you. We love when you get emails from the continent.
00:06:29
He looks like a young Albert Einstein today. Stephen, by the time we get back, something has to be done with that hair.
00:06:35
When you come back from Europe, I'm going to be in a corner just eating the cat food with Elvis and me.
00:06:41
What's happening? Are you going full, Feral? Yes, I'm going full. Nice. It's good.
00:06:48
What I want when we get back is either you've taken care of it or you've committed fully.
00:06:52
oh i keep saying whenever you leave i gotta get my hair cut and it's like but it's just growing
00:06:57
you're not well now it'll be fun like when you come back if like yeah scary if it gets any bigger
00:07:03
you're gonna have to become a bass player for a band totally a jam band a jam band that's right
00:07:09
great opa opa you know opa like grandpa yeah here we go hello everyone hi so last week you read
00:07:18
which is last week last week a story about someone whose grandfather was in the netherlands
00:07:23
who collaborated with the nazis that's right one thing that came up was that it was extra horrible
00:07:28
because he was the only guy helping them that's not exactly true all dutch men of age were either
00:07:33
supposed to join the nazi army or be put to work for them oh i know this because my opa was put
00:07:39
into a camp for refusing to help twice whoa turns out he jumped off a train and dressed in women's
00:07:44
clothing to escape. Yes. And then she, this person writes, when are they making this Oscar bait movie?
00:07:50
Right. And then he got caught again. Anyway, he's gotten older and blinder and perhaps a little crazier.
00:07:56
Opa is taken to answering the door, the front door with a knife in hand. This week,
00:08:03
this week, I noticed that he wasn't using his usual kitchen knife, but a large, and then it says in parentheses,
00:08:11
I don't know knife terms, knife with a big swastika on it. Horrified, I asked why he had such a thing.
00:08:19
My oma casually said, oh, they threw that at him when he tried to sell them counterfeit
00:08:23
wine. Turns out he had been taking industrial alcohol that his father was supposed to be handling,
00:08:30
filtering it to make it drinkable and illegally selling it while he was hiding. The Nazis were starving out the Dutch for refusing to cooperate.
00:08:37
So he was basically the only guy in Rotterdam you could buy it from. When he sold to the Nazis, he'd drink half the bottle and replace it with water first.
00:08:47
He got caught and attacked and escaped with his very uncool favorite giant knife.
00:08:52
Wow. And it says, be like Johannes and SSSFM. And then it says, stay sexy, steal from Nazis.
00:09:00
I don't want the name of this person, but thank you. That's great. That's amazing.
00:09:05
Grandparents, when they go fucking a little bit crazy, are the most fun. That's true.
00:09:11
You know what? let's go let's keep with that theme okay great um uh this is your fun shit that your grandparents
00:09:19
did when they went a little bit crazy yeah we want to know about what people used to do
00:09:23
back before they stared at their phones all day and binge watched everything on netflix and people
00:09:29
used to really be engaged and then they'd go a little crazy and admit to it yes like the shit
00:09:33
of like oh i wasn't gonna tell anyone this story but now i'm a little crazy and i give zero fucks
00:09:38
Right. Yeah. Who cares not? Once you're over 70, I'm sure it's just like, we're going to be all over the map.
00:09:45
It's like, if we're like this now. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Please, Stephen, I beg you to make sure that I stay indoors all the time and no one records
00:09:53
me doing anything. I need you. Stephen's whole face just turned red. I need you to commit to this today.
00:09:59
So you will make sure. Karen's taking a blood oath. Yeah. Caretaker when she gets old.
00:10:04
I'm making sleep. Right now, it's fine if you cat sit now. here's the trade-off. You're going to Karen sit in 30 years. Thank you. We'll have her drawer of
00:10:14
cookies that we open just when she's acting up. Karen, want a cookie? It'll be those quattro ones
00:10:19
we were talking with Allie about earlier. Those Italian cookies. I love it. Just throw it up in
00:10:23
the air. It'll be fine. The subject line of this email is some heroes wear wooden clogs,
00:10:29
parentheses, lighthearted. I love it. I love that people are doing the separation of lighthearted.
00:10:34
Wait, Steven, you're not adding that in, right? No. Yeah. I have a couple. No, people are living up front and center.
00:10:39
People are like, we've got to be the filing system. We've got to make it easy for Stephen to pick our email.
00:10:45
He needs to throw a couple lighthearteds in. That's right. Great job, everybody.
00:10:49
Okay. Hi, MFM family. In the 1970s, my grandmother worked half time at the only bank in a very small town in southern Sweden.
00:10:57
This is like 20 minutes from where I grew up, and I know the setting very well. Think racist farmers in 70s hair.
00:11:05
Jesus. Okay. Sometimes you're hit with the smell of manure, even when you're sitting indoors in the center of town.
00:11:14
Unfortunately, my grandmother was out the one day something even remotely exciting happened.
00:11:19
My grandfather likes to start the story like this, parentheses, grandfather voice.
00:11:23
I'm not doing grandfather voice. That afternoon, I got a call at work from your grandmother saying that she was alive and well, at which point I started panicking.
00:11:31
I thought she had been in a car accident or something. What my grandmother then explained to my grandfather was that on her day off, the first armed robbery in Sweden had taken place at the bank she worked at.
00:11:43
A man had come into the bank wielding a gun and demanded a large sum of money from one of the other young 70s girls working there.
00:11:53
70s girls. She handed him the money since that the number one thing banks tell their employees Always hand over the money Don risk your own safety One of the customers waiting in line wasn as cooperative though
00:12:05
Seeing as this was in the deep south of Sweden, I imagine he was a little stupid and or a farmer with no fucks to give.
00:12:13
Oh, no. He had probably waited in line forever and just wanted to get home to his farm because it was already past milking time and his wife was busy taking care of their kids.
00:12:21
So she couldn't milk the damn cows. Well, he's writing a whole story for that guy.
00:12:25
Either way, he proceeded to take off one of his wooden clogs and hit the man over the head.
00:12:30
Oh, my God. The robber dropped his gun and the money, and I believe he was arrested soon after since someone at the bank knew his mom or something.
00:12:38
That's not good. I'm kind of fuzzy on the details after the wooden clog bit because I always start laughing and can't hear what my grandparents say.
00:12:46
Anyway, stay sexy. Don't get murdered, Edmund. That's something else. That's something to look forward to in Sweden.
00:12:53
We got to start wearing wooden clogs. We did get wooden clogs for Christmas one year when I was little.
00:13:00
Yeah. Either that or it was an ornament I was trying to put my foot into. Now I'm thinking no one gave us wooden clogs.
00:13:07
It was probably an antique that my mom was like, please stop touching me. Yeah, with your feet.
00:13:12
Yeah, and I was like, can I just put my foot into it one more time? Yeah, look how funny this looks.
00:13:15
I can only put my toe in here. Isn't this funny? Isn't this neat? Look how funny I am.
00:13:20
Please pay attention to me. or I'm going to have to become a comedian and a podcaster one day.
00:13:24
Do you want me to light that fucking bed on fire again? Because I'll do it. I will do it.
00:13:27
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00:16:05
Goodbye. This one's called That One Time I Got Kidnapped. Oh, great. Hi, Stephen, Georgia, Karen, and Katz.
00:16:18
Okay. First, you start with Stephen and then you end with Katz. This is a person who's trying to get our attention.
00:16:22
Yeah, that's true. In a negative way. But let's see. It's a negative approach. Yeah, I like it.
00:16:28
All right. Not a hometown murder since I live in Iceland and murders in general are almost non-existent.
00:16:33
Iceland. By the way, thanks, grade school Karen, for giving Iceland some love. Iceland some love.
00:16:37
Hey. Okay. So when I was little, we lived in a small town on the east coast of the island where
00:16:43
there's even less crime seeing as only like a few hundred people live there. At the time, I had a habit of getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go sleep in my parents' bed.
00:16:51
And one night when I was three, I was about to do just that, but I noticed a dark shape at the foot of my bed.
00:16:57
Note, I may have been three, but I remember all of this in vivid detail. I was a toddler and half asleep, so I remember thinking, oh, it's a new footstool or some silly shit.
00:17:08
So I stepped on it on my way out of bed. uh-oh but thinking uh but to my surprise the shape stood up and took me on piggyback and began
00:17:19
to carry me out of the house again my confused three-year-old brain jumped the conclusion that
00:17:24
would freak me out the least so i assumed it was my mom taking me out on some sort of surprise trip
00:17:29
nice children are so stupid the next thing i remember is my dad out on the lawn yelling at
00:17:36
the person carrying me. The person replied saying something like, Oh, this is my daughter. I'm
00:17:41
picking her up from a sleepover. And then it says, Who does this guy think he's kidding?
00:17:45
I remember thinking to myself, Wait, mom's voice isn't that deep. The next thing I recall is being
00:17:49
inside of my dad calling the cops and then being in my parents bedroom with my mom What To this day I don know who the guy was or what or why he did it I also don know if he actually thought I was his daughter or if he was just making a very bad excuse He was doing this at number two
00:18:05
Number two. Yeah. My dad didn't like to talk about it. And over the years, I just sort of forgot about it.
00:18:10
I tried to look it up a few years ago. And the only thing I found out was that the guy supposedly got two years in prison.
00:18:15
Like I said, I don't think about it very often. Sometimes I just remember that this is a thing that happened to me.
00:18:20
And I think about how if dad hadn't come out, I could be dead or living in a cabin in the mountains with full blown Stockholm syndrome.
00:18:27
Wow. Anyways, love your podcast so much. My girlfriend introduced me to it and I binge listen to every episode during my shifts last summer.
00:18:35
We're looking forward to seeing you and awesome ladies in Amsterdam. Yay. Stay sexy and don't get kidnapped.
00:18:40
Etta. Etta. Jesus Christ. You almost got kidnapped. You were halfway out. So like the dad heard a noise.
00:18:48
Yeah. Thank God. Yeah. Can you imagine stepping on something on the way out of the bedroom and then it moves and picks you up and tries to carry you off?
00:18:56
Etta lived through her childhood nightmare came true. And she still handled it at age three well enough to not have a total freak out.
00:19:06
Right. Which maybe it would have helped that she had had a total freak out and started screaming.
00:19:11
Well, but she must have done something because that dad was out there. Yeah. He had huge years.
00:19:15
And you got to wonder, like, did she wake up because there was like a presence or something?
00:19:22
Yes. She knew. And do you think that the kidnapper was like, why is she coming over to me?
00:19:26
What's going on? He had to be kind of surprised, too. Was he on the way into the room crawling under the bed?
00:19:34
I mean, it sounds like that's she got out of bed and stepped on him. Yeah. Which means he was crawling under her bed.
00:19:39
Or like hiding. Yeah. Under the fucking bed, though. Like a nightmare. Like an exact Pixar child's nightmare.
00:19:48
Ay vey. Etta. Great job. See you in Amsterdam. I mean. Which is like tomorrow night.
00:19:56
We had a great time in this city. Oh my God. What an incredible bunch of canals you have.
00:20:01
We got so high. I stole a bike. Okay. Ready? Yeah. The subject line of this is watch where you're walking.
00:20:11
Okay. Hi Karen, Georgia, Stephen and family. Oh, I like that. Yeah, that works. I live in Scotland now, and it's where the story is set.
00:20:20
But I'm going to start off with a fun fact that I grew up in County Tyrone, Northern Ireland, the same as Typhoid Mary.
00:20:27
Nice. Bold start. Side note, she's from Cookstown. It's quite grim and is the place that one of my friend's exes is from, and he is a capital T, capital A, true asshole.
00:20:40
That is my new phrase. He is a true asshole. A capital T, capital N. I was like, what's she going to spell?
00:20:48
True asshole. And then in all caps, anyway, when I was 13 years old, me and my mom did a five-day long
00:20:56
hike called the West Highland Way, starting in Glasgow and ending in Fort William.
00:21:01
Wow. My mom is incredibly good at her job as a forester. She's so enthusiastic about it and loves to talk about it.
00:21:08
She was better than all the men in her year. That's so cool. in handling a chainsaw at forestry school.
00:21:13
Fuck yes. Her trees cut per day was ridiculous. She met my dad there. Oh, there's the movie.
00:21:20
That's the fucking rom-com I want to see. He catches the tree as it's being felled.
00:21:27
Right. And she's under it. She bends down to paint her toenails. Because I was trying to be, you know, guys and girls type stuff.
00:21:33
Sure, sure. When do they carve their initials in a heart in the tree that they just felled?
00:21:38
They, you know, they don't carve their initials. they arrest a teen couple carving their initials because they're so pro-treat.
00:21:45
Because you're not allowed to. And that's more romantic than initial carving. Anyway.
00:21:51
Sorry, go on. No, no. She met my dad there, and I remember she said the most romantic gift she ever got from him
00:21:58
was an axe he spray-painted gold. Oh, my God. I love it. A couple of times. That's so sweet.
00:22:07
When I came home from school, I caught them leaving nude YouTube comments on. Wait, what?
00:22:14
Wait, what? Steven. Oh, rude. Sorry, rude. What's happening? Nude YouTube comments.
00:22:23
What does that even tell? I feel like something's going on with my eyes. Like I can only see three words at a time.
00:22:29
Yeah. Okay, sorry. I caught them leaving rude YouTube comments. Rude. I mean, I love that you just blamed Steven immediately.
00:22:37
Stephen, why would you pick this filthy email? You don't read them. You just make sure your name's first in the intro.
00:22:44
Stephen, you are picking only Stephen first emails. Now I'm here reading a rude, nude YouTube.
00:22:50
A rude, nude YouTube. Rude, nude forest for YouTube. Okay, let's get back. Let's get serious about comedy.
00:22:57
About nude comments. Okay, a couple of times when I came home from school, I caught them leaving rude YouTube comments
00:23:03
on videos where people were cutting trees down without proper safety. proper safety gear i love that back to our journey no i just want to say that if you don't
00:23:13
you need to find a partner that you can be mean about other shit to other people with together
00:23:17
yes tell them what they're doing wrong together that's right then i judge the shit out of fucking
00:23:22
everyone constantly and it's just like what our relationship is made out of there's nothing more
00:23:28
bonding than hating someone mutually like i have a friend who we spontaneously discovered we hated
00:23:34
like vitriolically hated the same person i want to know who and we were immediately that's for
00:23:39
best friends it wasn't even someone we really knew personally it was just like this concept
00:23:43
person yeah but when we both discovered it was just like oh now we have to be like like with you
00:23:48
and me and murderers that's right we hate murderers i thought you were gonna name somebody right i was
00:23:53
like with you and man remember oh no okay Before I was born, she used to work in the West Highlands,
00:24:02
and she had a running commentary for the whole hiking trip. Man, man, man, I planted that woodland.
00:24:07
Man, man, man, that one. And telling me about the kinds of mosses and shit that I didn't care about at 13,
00:24:14
I was becoming a butthead teenager. Sorry, Mom. About halfway through the hike, on our way to Crane Lairk for the night,
00:24:23
we were approaching another woodland, and she immediately picked up on the forestry signage.
00:24:28
it read that there was felling in progress and to be careful this she said shouldn't be going on at
00:24:34
that time of year but we couldn't hear chainsaws or anything so we kept walking my mom wouldn't let
00:24:40
it go saying the sign should shouldn't still be up and that she felt like something was wrong
00:24:44
again i didn't sit i didn't care because i was a stupid idiot um but then i smelled something that
00:24:51
gave me vision straight away of memories of being at my grandparents house and smelling the exact
00:24:56
same thing going under the bridge and finding a swollen deep dead sheep caught up in a wire
00:25:02
i assumed it was just another dead sheep i said haha mom it smells like dead sheep lol oh my god
00:25:08
this smell was getting stronger and my mom had stopped talking cautiously touched my arm pointed
00:25:14
at a tent in the distance saying it looks like it's been there a while and people can't be living
00:25:19
in it as it's been minus seven celsius at night recently oh my god i told her to stop worrying
00:25:25
They probably just left it there and went home. As I said this, I tripped up, looked back, and saw I was walking.
00:25:34
It was a walking boot that I had fallen over, and it was pretty fucking full of mossy foot.
00:25:43
Oh, shit. I wanted to poke at it with a stick but my mom wouldn let me We assumed that as the signage was still up from long ago that it meant that the harvesting teams found the rest of the body and dealt with it I hope that what happened anyway because we sure didn tell anyone
00:26:01
Instead, we carried on our merry way and had a pretty nice time. What? I had the owner of the foot.
00:26:08
I hope the owner of the foot didn't suffer. What? What happened? Wait a second. looking forward to seeing you guys perform in Glasgow in May.
00:26:18
Then you need to get up on stage and fucking explain to us. You have everything.
00:26:24
Okay. You just walked us off a cliff. Your mom was the most intense forester in all of...
00:26:33
Where were we? Northern Ireland? Sure. Where were we? Glasgow? Glasgow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:26:41
Right? I mean, how was it? How did they die? Who died? Why is there a foot there?
00:26:49
What's the tent doing there? I wonder about the tent. I'm okay. We have to trust the highly professional forester that the sign meant they literally were just there, I think is what she's saying.
00:27:00
Okay. But why does it smell like a rotting corpse still? Maybe like the people that went in were going in to do their forestry, but then discovered the dead body, took it the body and left and didn't know the foot was there.
00:27:12
Okay. Okay, and then didn't know to take off the sign. Because they were freaking out that they found a dead body.
00:27:17
Okay, so who's the dead body and how did he die? That's a guy named Jerry, and he just was lazy.
00:27:25
Here, let me read the end of this. Looking forward to seeing you guys perform in Glasgow this May.
00:27:29
I loved your storytelling, and I hope you're, oh, and how you're so relaxed and talking about mental health stuff
00:27:34
that you guys go through. It's helped me and many others. Very proud to be a murderino.
00:27:39
Thank you for reading stay sexy and watch where you walking Um Mari Wow That reminds me of like when you eat a tongue sandwich and you like it tastes me back When you trip over a foot and you like I tripped
00:27:52
Yeah. Who tripped who? Tripped me. Exactly. If you kick that foot out of the ground.
00:27:57
Right. You trip that foot as well. You trip the foot. Listen, send us your shit.
00:28:02
Send us your grandparents. You look and listen and send us your grandparents that weird shit.
00:28:07
Send us stuff. I mean, all of these stories. Any story, I will say this. Pretty much anything, if you discover something in a forest, we would like to hear about it.
00:28:19
People keep saying like, oh, I finally have a story to send you. Like, if you're waiting so you can tell us this one story because we haven't asked for a thing and it's this crazy story, just send it.
00:28:30
Yes. Sorry, Stephen. Now you have to go through so many emails. Stephen's doing charades, gestures of, don't worry about it.
00:28:38
I love this job. This is my favorite thing. Come on. Just reading these. I just want to read your goddamn email for the rest of my life.
00:28:49
With the tiniest font. Please keep making, make the font as small as you can. Don't use any punctuation would be great.
00:28:57
And then just like, if you tripped over something and there was a lot of trees nearby,
00:29:01
we're opening it up to that. Opening it. Forest stories. Send them. Forestry. My favorite murder at Gmail.
00:29:07
Thanks for listening. You guys. We love you guys. We do. stay sexy and don't get murdered. Bye. Hey Elvis, you want a cookie?
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