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00:01:55
aside from the podcast oh whoops whoa dude i've never seen steven so angry just quit
00:02:02
steven just ripped his mustache off and threw it on the ground sorry steven please come back
00:02:10
please come back please come back please come back and put that back on it's really creepy
00:02:16
to see you without it we don't just we can't have floating mustaches around here it's bad for the
00:02:22
So anyway, this is the mini-sode where we are in Europe. So we're pre-recording this.
00:02:30
It's all the time. It's hour four of recording. Yeah, we've done a lot of making sure everybody's asses are covered while we are in Paris, France.
00:02:38
We are not going to Paris for the third time. Joining Europe in the European capital of Paris, France.
00:02:47
I'm just going to laugh for this thing. You do the work. Sounds great. Great. This is a mini-sode.
00:02:53
Read me a story. Okay, good, because we're going to start with an update. Fuck yes.
00:02:57
Okay, and the update, it says, Update on the serial masturbator, and then S in parentheses after the end of masturbator,
00:03:06
in Riverside. Hello, MFM family. Let me just note, almost every single female graduate student in my department
00:03:12
went insane when you read the last email about the serial masturbator on campus.
00:03:18
almost all of us are diehard mfm fans and wait to listen to mfm when we work in our respective labs
00:03:26
so that we don't go crazy well hi everybody hi stay in school hi like we are going to
00:03:33
stop doing so many drugs and stay in school um also double freak out because now you're one of
00:03:39
the rare people that gets two emails but it is an update so don't other other hometown people
00:03:45
don't be so bitter. We need to know this information. Ready? Go. I just wanted to give
00:03:50
a quick update on the insanity of public masturbation that is happening at UC Riverside.
00:03:54
We just received, we just received a note that a second, yes, a second person has been arrested
00:04:01
for public masturbation on campus. One man, a 21 year old from Coachella, who's from Coachella,
00:04:09
was arrested last month. And a second man, a 27 year old from Riverside was arrested last
00:04:14
week. Holy shit. Cops, way to go in Riverside. They're on it. They're on it like crazy. I'm not
00:04:20
sure what the hell is happening. But the string of lewd activity has, I don't know why that's
00:04:27
such a funny phrase, lewd activity, has seemed to pull weirdos from out of our poorly lit dorm rooms
00:04:33
and are striking with a vengeance on campus. I've been on this campus for many years, so I've dealt
00:04:38
with the insane range of notices from UCPD, like the dangers of playing Pokemon Go,
00:04:45
where the email reads that Charizard, Charizard? Charizard. Charizard? Say it, Stephen.
00:04:54
I mean. Charizard. Say it, millennial. Explain it, Harry Potter. That Charizard is certainly rare and is an amazing find,
00:05:03
but you will mean nothing if you are hit by a vehicle because you stepped on the roadway in your attempt to catch it.
00:05:10
Wow. I don't understand any of that. We are much, much older than college students.
00:05:14
And when a psychology student was kidnapped during finals week a few years ago, and she convinced the perpetrator to bring her back safely to campus,
00:05:24
side note, imagine that conversation with your professor about postponing your exam.
00:05:28
I want her to write in now, please. College campuses are definitely shit shows for safety,
00:05:33
but I'm glad we get the information we need to stay sexy and not get murdered. Thanks so much for the countless hours you've helped me and so many
00:05:40
others. And a special thanks from the women in environmental toxicology and environmental sciences.
00:05:46
Cool. Claudia. Wow. UC Riverside. You guys. I love when we find out that smart people listen to the podcast.
00:05:52
It's, it's amazing. It an honor to be listened to by smart people It a mystery as to what you people think you doing Focus on your science They need to give their brains a break And so they listen to this
00:06:06
podcast. What is it about Riverside? Do you think that's so goddamn attractive that guys are just
00:06:12
jerking it left, right and center in public? Maybe we need to go to Riverside and find out
00:06:17
ourselves. Is it is it the weather? Steven, you're from the Inland Empire. What's going on in
00:06:22
riverside i think it's a lot of meth yeah oh yeah that's a bummer yeah so when you do meth you need
00:06:30
to masturbate publicly all the time your inhibitions are down true your meth is up
00:06:36
your meth intake is up you get those meth levels nice and high real excited and you're like i want
00:06:41
to share this with everyone yeah i'm so happy okay well yeah okay all right settled here's um
00:06:50
this is how cousin doris ruined her life by finding treasure treasure yeah hi karen georgia
00:07:01
steven and pets i'll be honest after listening to you guys for close to two years i'm both
00:07:05
thrilled i'm both thrilled to finally have a story for a minisode category and pretty terrified of
00:07:10
screwing this up all right kathleen don't screw this up you better fucking nail this kathleen
00:07:15
cousin doris was actually my dad's cousin so she's probably my second cousin or something
00:07:19
like that yes in the 1950s she lived on a farm with her husband out in the sticks of pennsylvania
00:07:25
late one night a friend of their stops in and asked him to hang on to a box for him yes no
00:07:30
problem won't look inside at all absolutely love to have that box give it here give it over he'll
00:07:36
be back to get it in a little while doris and her husband put the box on a top shelf in the closet
00:07:41
and forget about it without even looking at it yep better person than i am i bet it's his hat
00:07:47
or his hairpots. It's a little check stubs. About two years later, Doris is wrestling around
00:07:54
in that closet and knocks the box over. It falls to the ground and bursts open to reveal
00:07:59
cash. Cash? More cash than Doris has ever seen in her life. She and her husband go on a shopping spree.
00:08:07
She buys furs and he buys a beautiful Packard convertible. Wait, wait. How many years later?
00:08:13
Sorry. Two years later. So it's like 1950, whatever. Yeah, but where's the guy? They're just spending the guy's money?
00:08:19
Shh, shh, shh. Oh, sorry, sorry. There's only one problem. I think that they were just like, fuck it.
00:08:25
Yeah, cash. It's been two years. Nobody can prove that we did or didn't have this cash.
00:08:29
That's the problem with cash. There's only one problem. They live in a tiny rural town.
00:08:34
Everyone knows their business, and everyone super duper knows that they have no legitimate reason to have that much money.
00:08:40
The authorities get involved and eventually piece together that the friend who disappeared had robbed a bank.
00:08:46
hidden the money at doris's house then accidentally fucked off and died so it's horrible let's go ahead well i was just gonna say so if they had played it right
00:08:57
yeah you never buy a fur or a convertible that's why you don't need a fucking fur unless you live
00:09:03
in the mountains yeah yeah just move out of pennsylvania just you could go you could move
00:09:09
somewhere or you could just buy small nice things right every time you go to the drugstore
00:09:14
a new pair of hoes right something like that yeah go to sephora and do like a 250 dollar sweep
00:09:20
no one it knows the wiser the point is to be uh responsible with the money you've stolen
00:09:26
yes please be a practical uh thief and criminal yeah like of course not okay just use your head
00:09:36
ba ba ba ba ba uh doris and her husband are convicted of aiding and abetting receiving stolen
00:09:42
goods etc she does 18 months either in prison or jail i'm not sure which except here's the sad twist
00:09:49
oh doris was in her mid-20s at the time that this happened while she was locked up she started
00:09:54
hearing voices and being bothered by people no one else could see nowadays we understand that
00:10:00
that that the onset of schizophrenia is pretty common commonly common in a woman's 20s but as
00:10:06
far as my family was concerned, prison drove her nuts. Well, yeah. We called her crazy cousin Doris
00:10:12
until we understood that that was not a cute nickname. No. Which probably took way longer
00:10:17
than it should have. She got divorced pretty soon after getting out of prison and moved to California
00:10:21
and spent the rest of her life reading magazines about aliens. Hell yes. At least she was happy
00:10:26
about the little gray men not creeped out by them. Stay sexy, don't get murdered and be careful of
00:10:31
free cash, Kathleen. Am I crazy cousin Doris? Because that sounds like a dream life.
00:10:37
Reading magazines? In fur coats. But also sitting in a convertible. Right. You know how much you love your fur coats.
00:10:45
You know that I have a fox fur coat. Do you really? My Aunt Anne. A baby little fox.
00:10:49
I had to. I know. There's actually a stole that goes with it that has the fox head on it.
00:10:53
No, no, no, no. It's like a little piece of, I was going to say topiary taxidermy.
00:11:00
Oh, God. That's horrifying. It's because my two great aunts, also great aunts, they were two old maids.
00:11:07
Were they? Wait, is this the show Ab Fab? It's reverse Ab Fab. They were like very repressed Irish Catholic.
00:11:17
Neither of them ever got married. My Aunt Anne never went on a date. Virgins. And they used to work for the phone company.
00:11:26
The phone company. That's how they had that accent. Phone company. we worked down at the phone company and they'd go see a picture on saturday exactly right oh that
00:11:36
was a good picture uh and i guess they saved up their money and my aunt and bought herself
00:11:41
a full-on fox fur first nice thing she ever bought and only nice things you ever bought
00:11:46
herself yeah and so now it's in my closet i've put it on once it doesn't suit me
00:11:52
It suits a fox It strips a fox It awful It doesn even it not even like kind of cool looking Yeah yeah It doesn it upsetting and odd
00:12:06
And also it's that thing of like, there's people that get into stuff like that. That status shit.
00:12:11
Yeah. Where it's just like, well, cut to 50 years later when it's like a little bit moth eaten
00:12:15
and out of style. Yeah. And you'll feel very stupid for having spent like five grand on a coat.
00:12:22
It makes no sense. It doesn't. Is it my turn? It's your turn. okay this subject line of this uh uh hometown is my uncle was in a tiger sanctuary cult
00:12:33
yes yes yes and yes but timmy hi karen georgia steven and various pets i was hanging out with
00:12:40
a bunch of friends recently and we wanted to watch one of those scientology recruitment videos for
00:12:45
laughs well done but one of my friends freaked out and refused to let us watch it yeah that's
00:12:50
the coolest friend you've ever had oh i bet that friend's a fucking i don't watch a video on at my
00:12:55
house uh jim can you calm down jim's like dude no it's not cool it's not funny man the lukewarm
00:13:02
response i got to come on it's not that big of a deal everyone's got an uncle who used to be in a
00:13:07
cult made me start to think that this is not a universal experience and that you guys might enjoy
00:13:12
my family story i love it my mom's brother was working construction when he was brought in to
00:13:18
work on some of the enclosures in the Oregon Tiger Sanctuary. The sanctuary is operated by the foundation.
00:13:26
This is all like title caps. The Foundation for Meditative Studies, which is a group devoted to the teachings of Mafu,
00:13:34
an ancient spiritual master channeled by the group's leader. Channeled by the group's leader.
00:13:40
Oh, he channels this ancient person? Right. Oh, sorry. The group's leader, Penny Torres.
00:13:44
So I guess it's a woman who goes by the name Swami Parmananda Saraswati. Well, I'm going to join.
00:13:53
That sounds legit. Hear me out. We're only halfway through. Okay. According to Mafu, they're all about love and awakening and joy and whatever.
00:14:03
Sure. But according to, it literally says and whatever. But according to my mom and a couple of forum posts from 2006, they ain't all that great.
00:14:12
apparently after my uncle was done working on the tiger enclosures he was told that he connected with
00:14:17
those tigers so well that he should stay on and help them and stay on with them to help out i've
00:14:23
seen a bunch of accusations online about the classic nasty cult stuff that they have had going
00:14:29
on um that it's one big orgy the leader is a super violent is super violent to members and that they
00:14:35
take all your money and stuff but what i do know for sure is that they convinced my uncle that he
00:14:40
was being manipulated by his whole family and that he was finally free of their control once
00:14:46
he joined up with Mafu. He apparently left some really awful voicemails while he was there,
00:14:52
accusing everyone of manipulating him financially and emotionally and just accusing everyone of
00:14:57
some really awful stuff. I don't know how he got out, but he did. And now he's in a band with his
00:15:02
wife what the fuck he's in a band with his wife and he grows pot in montana so it sounds like he's
00:15:11
doing great so correct thanks for reading ssdgm erin wow that one needs an uncle like that an
00:15:21
amazing journey it was tiger cults i love the idea of it's kind of it's like um you finally find this
00:15:32
belief right something clicks in your life yeah and you're like that's it tigers yeah i belong with
00:15:37
that's right they're right i belong right tiger orgies this is me yeah this is who i finally can
00:15:43
be right i've been waiting for a thing my whole life yes and i'm super pissed yeah now i'm gonna
00:15:48
start leaving angry voicemails right so that people know that this is like i'm gonna burn
00:15:53
every bridge in town yeah i love that day like just like let's the short film that we're gonna
00:15:59
make is like that is tag that he joins the tiger cult he puts his his membership card next to the
00:16:05
phone picks that thing up and just starts dialing just starts just starts accusing everyone in his
00:16:10
family of molesting him just he pulls out the family phone tree you molested me and you were
00:16:17
rude to me at christmas right all right this is called all right here's another family story
00:16:23
This is called Family Mystery Light with a Rabies Twist. Yes. Okay. Hello to everyone.
00:16:32
Wonderful. Hello, everyone. I finally have a story to write in now that you've opened it up to rabies-related stories.
00:16:42
Amen. Yes. I grew up in Toronto as the youngest of four siblings. When I was about eight, we moved into a new house with an antenna pole in the backyard.
00:16:52
I don't know what that means. any child could easily climb to get to our roof okay my i think it was those they used to have
00:16:59
those things that you could hang your laundry on to dry and it was like it looked like it should be
00:17:04
a toy but it was just a kind of a thin aluminum and it had like things coming sticks coming out
00:17:09
of them that you use like ladder prongs exactly and you hung a ton of clothes on them okay as
00:17:13
opposed to like a cord that went across the yard i like it okay my mom verbatis off from going up
00:17:19
there but naturally my two older brothers were always playing around on the roof throwing loose
00:17:23
shingles at each other. You find weird ways to entertain yourself when your single mom can't
00:17:29
afford to send you to camp. That's right. Amen. Okay. One evening, when my mom was at work,
00:17:34
my brothers wanted me and my sister to play outside with them and sent me in to recruit my
00:17:39
sister. I returned to tell my brother she wasn't going to play. But when I walked outside, the
00:17:44
younger of my brothers, who was 10, who was 10 years old, is standing in the dark beside the
00:17:49
Okay Brother 14 is nowhere to be seen The injured brother and I go inside and I see he has a gash on his forehead from being hit with something When I go back outside I see my 14 brother come out of the backyard
00:18:05
and he sternly tells me not to tell mom about any of this. Fucking older brothers.
00:18:11
Was it a roof shingle? Well, when my mom comes home from work and sees the gash,
00:18:16
she flips out and makes my injured brother tell her what happened. And he says the older brother threw a shingle off the roof and hit him in the head with it.
00:18:23
My mom goes to get mad at the older brother who immediately denies it and says that he saw a bat, the animal, not the sporting good.
00:18:30
My mom assumes he's lying and makes me tell her what I saw. I said what I knew, that he was hit with something.
00:18:39
The boys had been on the roof earlier. I didn't know where the older brother was during the incident.
00:18:44
My mom wants my brother to confess, so she threatens to take the younger brother to get rabies shots if it really was a bat that hit him.
00:18:51
my older brother refused to admit it and we couldn't find the shingle on the ground as evidence
00:18:56
so my mom had to follow through with getting the younger one vaccinated luckily just a few months
00:19:02
earlier the rabies vaccine changed from a giant needle in your abdomen to a standard shot
00:19:06
to this day my older brother still denies throwing a shingle and i think it will always remain
00:19:11
my own little mundane family mystery with a rabies twist ssdgm cadence that's hilarious
00:19:18
Yes. Fucking siblings. The brother would have broken by now, wouldn't he? Yeah, no, I don't think so.
00:19:24
You think he would have stuck to it? Yeah. But there's no stakes anymore, right?
00:19:30
If he's like an adult, hopefully. Yeah, but some people are weird. Oh, you're right.
00:19:35
He probably enjoys that it's this thing. He made his brother get this series of rabies shots
00:19:40
because he couldn't admit he was a bad person. What if the brother had died from the rabies shots?
00:19:46
And then he had to live his whole life. like then he'd really have to double down and be like yep nope never threw that tile careful in
00:19:52
this area bats are really real fucked up in this area you know we had a bad issue in our family we
00:19:57
don't like to talk about it but it was pretty serious anyway killed my brother anyway anyway
00:20:02
the super bowl is nuts while the world watches the stars at the fifa world cup this summer
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hyundai has its eyes on the next generation of talent the future soccer stars who are already
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did it by engineering EVs with ultra-fast charging capability. And Hyundai continues doing it every
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some far-off concept. It's already here. Next starts now. Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA.
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00:22:00
Goodbye. Did I go first? Yeah, we've both done two. Well, can we do three? Because the subject line for this next email is,
00:22:12
all caps, I got rabies at the Taj Mahal. What? Oh, I guess it's not that big of a deal
00:22:16
because Stephen picked all of these. Okay. I was like, what a coincidence. Oh, you thought it was coincidence?
00:22:21
No. It's not. He's always planning and scheming with that mustache over in the corner.
00:22:25
Stephen, rip it off your face. No. Okay. okay uh dear beautiful creatures human and animal well hello hello when i was 11 years old
00:22:34
what is this from paul holes no imagine oh my god could you imagine he's like uh girls listen
00:22:42
i just really quickly want to tell you about this raccoon yeah stop saying my name girls
00:22:46
please get rid of that hashtag i'm a happily married man i have a family and i like to put
00:22:53
my hands on my hips all the time when i was 11 years old i went to india with my mom and on our
00:22:58
last day thank fuck we went to the beautiful taj mahal we were touring baby taj tomb of uh
00:23:06
litemad ad daula i did my best we saw a swarm of adorable chipmunk like animals i will i will touch anything with fur parentheses even now i have yet to learn my lesson so our
00:23:23
guide said that they were very friendly and to try to pet them oh no trying to live out my snow
00:23:30
white fantasies i approached the odd ball of the group oh no this is just i don't want to hear any
00:23:36
more of this the real twitchy one over on the side that moves slow who just like can't keep up
00:23:41
with the rest of the pack and so it's making noises that that animal doesn't make chewing
00:23:45
its own fucking arm off. It's smoking. I approached the oddball of the group, which
00:23:53
turned out to be a huge mistake as it promptly jumped up, bit me under the nail of my middle finger, and
00:23:59
were to let go despite my flight despite my flight no it's my sister used to have hermit crabs when we
00:24:10
were like she was eight and i was six yeah and one time i picked one up and it just really slow
00:24:16
because they're just little tiny crabs went like this and like grabbed my thumbnail and i went
00:24:22
like that and like threw this poor hermit crab across the room cracked its shell very sad but
00:24:30
it scared the shit out of me so the idea that like a squirrel thing yeah having its teeth and
00:24:36
not letting go okay the guide eventually got him off my hand and went back to our hotel and we went
00:24:43
back to our hotel hotel to see a doctor the doctor who saw me told me very bluntly that i was going to
00:24:48
die they didn't have a vaccine and only one person has ever survived after not being injected within
00:24:58
24 hours post-infection um and she ended up in a coma so like great the flight home was 17 hours
00:25:06
my mom refused to take the next flight out because we already had dinner planned oh my mom talk about
00:25:12
mommy issues am i right we had to pre-order the vaccine back home as i live in new york city
00:25:19
and no one gets rabies from pigeons and the doctors were freaking out about my time frame
00:25:24
of course all caps when we landed my mom insisted on first showering unpacking and blowing out her
00:25:31
hair before taking me to the specialist mom kind of sucks mom is doing her thing mom dht dht she got a dht mom therapy behind this
00:25:44
dang um gotta look cute so when i finally uh saw the now exasperated doctor we had to give me
00:25:52
he he had to give me shots in my arm and the bite site so again under my nail i had to get shots in
00:26:00
my butt every day for a month. And the doctors told me that I definitely had rabies based on my reaction to the meds.
00:26:07
So please, don't sass me about how small rodents rarely have rabies. It can happen.
00:26:13
Oh my god. Well, thanks for making me feel relevant. Your podcast is getting me through life and law school.
00:26:21
Stay sexy. Don't pet the weird chipmunk just because you think it could benefit from some attention.
00:26:26
All my love. Kaylee, I know my parents threw in all the letters. oh my god that was hilarious i love that i i'm glad that we get you through your life that you
00:26:36
can live despite your mother's best efforts to fucking kill you from rabies kaylee your mother
00:26:43
was from i bet you my mother's same generation where it was everything no matter what was
00:26:49
happening she'd be like put a little lipstick on yeah or calm down it's all they cared about yeah
00:26:54
you're going to a doctor's office please pull a brush through your hair karen you're going to the
00:26:58
You're going to a doctor's office. You're taking a plane flight. Yeah. You're going on Southwest in sweatpants?
00:27:05
Yes. Yes. Yes, and I don't give a fuck. And now I wear sweatpants all day, every day.
00:27:10
Are they jeggings? Are you happy? Are these jeggings I wearing a fucking muumuu What am I talking about right now Like a literal muumuu uh if you have any jeggings or muumuu stories we want to hear them please send them to you i want any your
00:27:24
your fucking mom just almost killing you stories here's the thing this is a rich area yeah because
00:27:33
especially if you had a parent who was if you had a mom who was a nurse like my mother shook off
00:27:38
my sister broke her wrist and my mom's like it's fine just take your coke can and put it up against
00:27:45
it girls please don't make a big deal i'm fine it's my day off and it turned out she had a broken
00:27:51
no apologies though no like oh i screwed up no no because it was always like you know she knew
00:27:57
yeah she knew everything because she was a nurse yeah so anyway i'm sure there's lots of other
00:28:02
types of moms that did the exact same thing i want how your mom uh traumatized you yes as a kid
00:28:08
like anything from you sat out in the car while she drank in a bar to simply refused medical treatment
00:28:19
yeah yeah I mean definitely want those bring it here the thing like I got a perm
00:28:25
she made me do fucking you know beauty things she made me wear matching clothes with her oh
00:28:32
tell us thanks for listening it's been fun If you have any ideas for areas you want to tell us about, please send them to myfavoritemurder at gmail.com.
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That's right. Thank you for listening, you guys. And stay sexy. And don't get murdered.
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