123 - Live at Vicar Street in Dublin | My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark

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Hey, what's up, Dublin? Dublin? It sounded like you were saying something else than what's up, Dublin, just now.

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Oh, like I was going to kick off my own thing? Yeah. Tonight's the night. So I paused.

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I start speaking Gaelic to everybody. Ah! You didn't know. This is so cool. This is the first show of our big tour.

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Our European tour. Of which you are not the UK, and I know that. We're not. You have nothing to do with it.

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I know that. It's a fucking totally separate place. We knew it. We all knew it. We knew it.

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Whoever was posting on my Instagram yesterday was fucking lying. Someone broke into your Instagram and started posting

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like rumors that you think Ireland's in the UK That's so embarrassing I mean, do I have to say it?

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Fire Steven Steven! Out! He's not here Nope, he's not in his usual spot Nope That means no

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Listen, the cats aren't going to take care of themselves That's right Well, and also there's no fucking way we're paying for Steven's ticket to Europe.

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Fuck you, bro. He knows. Oh, man. I know. Sorry, we haven't done a live show in a while.

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This is insanely exciting. And it really is. Also, I don't even know what my sleep pattern is right now because I stayed up till five in the morning last night and then woke up at like almost 1 p.m.

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And then 20 minutes later, I texted you. You text me. You just woke up 20 minutes later.

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I was like, I just woke up. I beat you. We don't know where we are. It's crazy. Guys, it's a whole day.

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This is interesting, isn't it? The last time we did a show was in Los Angeles where we live.

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So it was all our friends. You live there too. So it was all my family. What's interesting is Los Angeles is a part of the UK.

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And that's the thing. It seems like a lot of people don't understand. So that's our message on the European tour.

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Yeah. Is to really get the word about LA. Yeah. It's being connected to. We've started a GoFundMe.

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It's important work. Mm-hmm. It is. Oh, can you talk about all the people coming to your hotel room?

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Just what we found out. Well, we stayed indoors because, you know, when we go on trips like this,

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big tours where we have shows right in a row, every single day right in a row, we like to save up all the work we're supposed to do

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and then just do it at the hotel like the day before. In a panic. It's really fun.

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It's best for storytelling. Yeah. Just to create the pressure. so uh well the first experience i had was uh i don't know if you guys are aware but it's quite

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hot here in dublin um today thanks for thanks for the weather you guys um i brought all kinds

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of cashmere sweaters and layers and rain gear i was ready to look like fucking paddington bear

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and instead it's like what the fuck yeah um so when i got into my hotel room it was

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I don't know how you guys do it, 14 degrees or whatever the fuck, however you do it

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I mean higher is hotter to us it was 90 so I'm just standing there and I think hotel

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thermostats are they're just a plastic thing on the wall that they give you to press to make you feel like you have

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control over your environment, which you do not so I stood there pressing and pressing this is too hot and I can just sit in a hot room with jet lag And so I called down I was like sorry can somebody come up here and fix this thermostat

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And they're like, we'll send someone. I love fix it because it's not, it's broken.

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It's totally broken. It's not me. I did the same thing. Vince, it's broken. Fix it.

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Not user error at all. So quick, pretty soon after, someone knocks the door. I open the door.

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it looks like a younger hotter MMA Gerard Butler I was like what what what I have no relatives that

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look like you what the fuck is going on I was not ready a bonus is that you it was just when you got

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there so like if they had come today like all your shit like my whole room is a fucking pig sigh by

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like you know 24 hours after I'm in there yeah no I was I looked very tidy uh well my things look

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very tidy, but I clearly have been traveling for 12 hours. So I was kind of like, hi, trying to

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turn to the side, you know, like, come on in, suck, suck, suck. And he, of course, goes over to the

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fucking thermostat and he presses one button and it kicks on immediately. I was just like,

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fine, it was a trick to get you in here. Fine. You might as well stay. And, but this was my favorite. And I've never heard this slang before. When he went to leave,

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goes, if there's any other drama, just call me up. And I was just like, I wasn't being dramatic.

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It was really hot. It was really fucking hot. Fair. I get it. But then I turned the TV on and I kind of couldn't make it go.

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I'm like, I should fucking call that guy. TV is totally dramatic. Dramaticing me.

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That's it. You're a pre-inture kickoff. Hey, what are you wearing? She's already looking at the notes.

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What are we... Well, I'm sweating. Here's the problem. I'm sweating and I forgot to bring deodorant on this trip with me.

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So I'm wearing Vince's deodorant. So I'm going to smell like a fucking dude. Let's do it.

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Oh, yeah. Smell that. That smells like going to a dance. Like dancing with a guy that's in junior high.

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Yeah. Ew. When was the last time you did that? I'm kind of nervous. It's been a while.

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But I miss it. I miss it terribly. It's kind of better than mine, though, because it's like clear and stuff.

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So I'm not getting like those, you know. Guys have everything better. You're so obsessed with going to Boots and getting some kind of like...

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Boots? I can't. That was such a weird... You're just yelling Boots back at us. And in a way that we can't tell if you like it or you fucking hate it.

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You're like, yes, Boots! Don't go there! Somehow we're saying the word, the B-O-O-T-S word wrong.

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Boots. you tell us how do you say it she doesn't know nobody knows nobody knows we're not

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mispronouncing fucking boots that i know that i know you were you were so mad already the show just started we're out of here uh boots

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you were gonna pick one person to be the translator oh yes that's right is there

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anybody that's from Dublin that's sitting near the front? I think they look nice. Okay.

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Are you suspicious in any way? We're not going to make fun of you. What's your name?

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It's Emily. As this show goes, thanks, Lightning Guy. As this show goes on, when we mispronounce things

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or we don't know what we're talking about or we say something and we're totally wrong, Emily, you just throw a

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hand up, would you please? And then we'll come and consult with you. Okay. I think we need to do this every show.

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She already has her hand up. Man, she's going to get so tired. Her arm's going to get carpal tunnel.

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My poor sister has something. I'm your sister. It's not Gaelic. It's Gaelic. Gaelic.

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I fucking said Gaelic. You know what? You're out. You're both out. Oh, that sister shit.

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Okay, here we go. What's your name? Louise. Louise. Do you think that I said Gaelic or Gaelic?

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I fucking said Gaelic. Emily's sister. I said Gaelic. Oh, shit. She's been drinking since three.

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Escorted out, please. Immediately kicked out of the show you've been waiting to see.

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Sorry. Sorry, wait. Tell me your name again. It's Louise. Great. Yeah, one of us.

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Well, I want to go to a store and buy a bunch of shit, basically, is what we're trying to say.

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It's a store named Boots. Pennies. It's going to be pennies. Oh, you... Okay. JC Penney?

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Yeah. Penney's is better than boots. Oh, man. Penney's is the shit. Penney's is the shit.

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Louis says, Penney's is good, Emily, so... That's what we're going with. We were...

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I feel horrible right now because we were at a bar that's for tourists last night,

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which we didn't know until we were there. it's the oldest bar in you know fucking the world yeah it's wonderful oh and um it was great and but

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we heard the loudest american person at the bar and we were just like she's here right now i'm

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telling you don't say where she's from it was like i will it was a girl like we get seated and we're

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eating and then all this and we hear like and i i turned to vince and george i was like is she a

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fucking opera singer her voice is filling this room but it was like i actually don't really i mean

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i'm actually here from whatever town yeah i think it's really amazing where i'm like

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so amazing you have to scream at the top of your lungs and she telling this dude who literally has no fucking interest in it like about her flight and about like no one cares how long it took you to get anywhere

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Just FYI. Yeah. If you're going to be boring, please whisper. That's Americans. Americans.

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We're not. Listen. Because a whisper for us is a whisper for us. Yeah. Whispering.

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Whispering for everybody else is normal talking. Yeah. Yeah. for whispering for us.

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That's normal talking for the rest of the world. There's also someone here either tonight

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or we'll be here tomorrow night who when we went through customs. Did we go through customs?

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Oh shit. He was like, he was this great little guy and he, not little guy. He wasn't little.

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He was fine. He was like a normal size person. He was just a normal guy. Cute, cute fellow.

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And he was like, you know, what are you doing? You're doing your accent. I can't.

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Don't make me do the accent in front of you. I think it's good. People who actually have the accent.

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I think it's good. But I also told her that she can't do it unless she also is fake drunk.

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Oh, that's right. But I can't accuse the customs guy of being fake drunk at work.

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That's dangerous government shit. But he basically said, what's the purpose of your visit?

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Something like that? How's that? And then we were like, we're here for, because it's so hard to tell people.

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We're here for a show. We're doing a comedy show. We're doing a live podcast. You don't want to tell a guy who's letting us in the country or not

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that we're doing a murder thing? Yeah. Well, it turns out we love murder, and so we've come to your country to visit.

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For murder. We've just been studying your murders here. Just interested in how you kill and where you kill.

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Yeah. Not really why, but... So we just said, we're here to do a live podcast, and then he said, what's the name of it?

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And Georgia said, my favorite murder. And he goes, all right. I heard all about it.

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There was a girl, an American lass came through here on Friday, and she told me all about it.

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She was insane. See? You can't talk about murder. It's been chill. Just doing an impression of my grandmother.

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I don't know how accurate it is. And we found out her name, and I forgot it, if you can believe it.

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But, you know, we thank you for that. There are people just on the ground explaining to strangers

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what they're doing and how they're doing it with us. Karen invited them to the show.

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I did. She's clearly not here. She'd be screaming at this point, I think. Yeah, I think so.

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Oh! Are you here? No. That's, no. Really? No. That sounded like a cat just got murdered in the back of the...

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Let's make that girl come up here and fucking explain what he looked like right now

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and see if she's telling the truth and then kick her out if she's wrong. No, I would never do that.

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So then we went outside the airport and we got a cab. and this guy was like out of Irish central casting

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of like a gruff Irish cab driver. He had no interest in us at all. He was just trying to get his shit

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out of the airport area, I think. Yeah, he yelled at a guy who was like crossing too slowly in front of us

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and was like, yes, I like this guy. Yes, he like yelled out the window. Out the open window, go slower.

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Go slower. He yelled sarcasm. That's how you know you're in Ireland. It wasn't rage-based.

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It was pure sarcasm. I actually, Georgia, got into the back seat. Vince went to get in the back seat, so I was like, oh, I'll get in the front seat.

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Guess what she did. Walked around, went to get into the driver's side. Of course.

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I was so shocked by that steering wheel. I was like, what kind of car is this? Is this a trainer car where you learn how to drive a cab or something?

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See, we drive on the other side, you guys. That's the explanation. It's so different.

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And of course, I was immediately so embarrassed and turned around and said, sorry.

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And he goes, I don't mind. Again, a joke that comes off as anger and rage. But you're just like, oh, but you're kidding.

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I was like trying to explain to Georgia, like, that's why I am the way I am. I was raised.

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I get it a little. I get it. Right? Yes. There's a gruff love to everything. It's kind of a like holding back, watching you, judging you, loving you.

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Right? That's how you do it. I get it. I think I get you a little more now. And then it's like, well, when you're drunk and be like, I want to tell you a secret.

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It's like, I actually really like you, even though I don't. Right. I don't. It's not.

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We don't act all nice because that's lame. you act like people bug you until you figure out whether or not they have a sense of humor

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and then you like them or at least that's how me and the cab driver do it I don't know if that's

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it's a generalization everyone's like she's totally wrong and she's calling us assholes

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at the same time that's how we kick off the show oh by the way this is my favorite murder

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thank you that's Karen Kilgariff that's Georgia Hartstark Dublin, God bless you.

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God bless you. God bless you. Oh, tell them about your plunging neckline. I forgot my slip.

00:17:19

So usually we don't bring the girls out like this. It's not my style. Usually a two-person show.

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But now we're a quartet. I just figured 2018 we're going to have the girls start earning their keep.

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And really, you know, they've had a free ride for so long. Right. Tits out. My favorite murder.

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Tits out in 2018. I am the opposite kind of person. And I took my black bra that I brought along special for the occasion.

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And when we were on the plane I did the thing I took it off because I like I wear to the what is it called airport just to be like I not horrible Like you can serve me stuff and I not the worst

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This is what society wants from me, to wear a bra at the airport. Like, just be glad I'm not wearing sweats.

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So I take it off in the plane, boop, boop, and like sit on it. And then I'm like, I'll get it later.

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And I forgot to get it later. so there's got a nice 34b black non-underline bra on some british airways plane if you want it

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it's yours that's a freebie for the next person people would be like oh that's this a thong that

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someone snapped in half um but that's the point is that's why i'm wearing a white bra and i apologize

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it's fucking tacky as shit my mom would be so pissed off at me georgia it's very day class a

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Yeah. But it doesn't matter because we're not in the UK. You know how those UK people are.

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Woo! Yeah. We don't care here. Exactly. And when I go to Penny's, I'll get a bra.

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I can do that. Fucking pandering, pandering, pandering. Saying words we don't know what they mean.

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So you will cheer for us. Yay! The best. Yeah. Stephen's not here, as we said. Just to bring it down.

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Right. Okay, now we can, okay, he got that. Let's talk about how we really feel.

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There you go, Stephen, everyone misses you. No, he's being very sweet and sending lots of photos of the cats.

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Like, close-ups, though. In a way that I don't, I think I'm too old to understand.

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What if when you come back from this trip, the cats have somehow written you a note that's like,

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Stephen's too intense for us. We can't be cat-sat by him anymore. We know that you think your dad hates cats.

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We like that he hates cats. He leaves us the fuck alone. We're standoffish. We want them to be standoffish.

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Steven's like... But then he did a thing. Oh, he's good. He fucking did a thing where last night he was editing a minisode for this week.

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And he wrote like, oh, Elvis heard your voice and came over. And Elvis is right there listening to my voice.

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Which isn't true. No, he's not. He's a cat. He doesn't care. But that's what I did.

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Oh, my God, my baby. You know? But I know. I'm not fucking stupid. Like, he's a cat.

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I think I'm really rubbing off on you. Yeah, that's probably true. No, he's not.

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He's a cat. He doesn't. Although, that's not true because it really is true. At this point, by the time we're done recording at George's apartment,

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it's almost like he knows that in, like, two hours or an hour and a half have gone by.

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He's like, wrap it the fuck up. Because he comes and sits on her lap, and the second she says, Elvis, do you want to go?

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He's like, meow. Like he knows. He now knows it. When we're like toning it down and we're like, all right, this has gone on for too long.

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He's like sitting on, yeah, he comes up. Yeah, he knows. I know he's a cat, but he's really smart.

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Siamese are really smart. He's just so handsome. I would like to say I was here in, I think it was 2001.

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I came to visit just for a vacation. And this is just a fun story that I remembered my friend and I.

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Go ahead. My friend and I, thank you. I'm going to take my time. Could I get a spotlight?

00:21:19

My friend and I got into a rental car. I just fall backwards and die. What a way to go.

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We got a rental car and I was the only one that had the guts to drive it. It was a fucking stick shift and we were driving on the wrong side of the road.

00:21:35

And we just decided we had a map. This was like pre-modern life. so we had a paper map oh my god we were just like let's just drive up one of these highways

00:21:46

it's got a letter and a number see where we go and we'll see what happens let's like just play

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it by ear we went as far up the west coast as we could and but like we ended up getting out of the

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car i don't know how we found this i think it was like i don't know we we basically went up to a

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fence we we opened it and closed it what i don't think you're supposed to do that yeah well

00:22:11

And we walked over this hill and it was right. We were on the coast, right? So we walked right down to the edge of the world, to the edge of this island.

00:22:22

And we're like, holy fuck. And it was like an insanely high drop. It was, you know, like several stories.

00:22:29

Yeah. We sat on the edge of it with our feet over the side and we're like, this is amazing.

00:22:35

And then this like storm rolls in so we can see the clouds coming. like it was unbelievable

00:22:41

or just sitting here like this is amazing or whatever. So before it gets close to us

00:22:44

and starts raining, we got up and we walked back. I'm like worried about, I'm sitting here like, oh, is she going to be okay?

00:22:48

It was like fucking 20 years ago and I'm worried. And then I take my leg off. That's the day.

00:22:56

Oh my God. She's been saving it this whole time. I had to save it for Dublin. No, but we get up

00:23:03

and we leave and we go to the, we check into like whatever hotel we find in the little city

00:23:06

that's near there and when we check in, the guy at the counter says, oh, you should go

00:23:12

check out the cliffs. And he goes, but be careful. Don't go near the side. Tourists

00:23:18

die up there all the time. They get blown right off the side all the time. We fucking went and sat.

00:23:24

No, like literally swung our leg and we're like, this is such a great vacation. And like, we're both just went all white.

00:23:32

We're like, sounds good. Yeah, we won't. We won't do that at all. This is why I have anxiety.

00:23:38

to save my life. Yes. I save lives. Can we sit? Because I've never sweated so much in my fucking life.

00:23:44

Yeah, I'm totally sweating. All right, let's sit down. Let's sit down. Look at these.

00:23:49

These are good. They're still kind of... These chairs are from a disco, aren't they?

00:23:54

Yeah. These are legit comedy club chairs. There we go. It goes down a little. There we go.

00:24:01

Hmm. Don't worry, I shaved my legs, which is great, because you guys are so close.

00:24:05

But I'm sweating profusely. It's hot. It's summertime. It's not Q&A. Oh my god, she has deodorant!

00:24:12

She has deodorant. Are you serious? It's yours? She just found it on the ground, I think.

00:24:22

It's fucking brute. It's brute. What is happening? Oh, she's putting it on. Oh. Thank you.

00:24:31

What's your name? Wow. Daryl. Daryl? How come you bring deodorant to comedy shows?

00:24:36

Is this yours or did you find it on the ground? It's yours. Thank you. For moments like this.

00:24:41

Whoa. You don't. No. I would never do that. And a quick ah-ah. Thank you so much.

00:24:52

Thank you. The whole place engulfs in flames. Good call. Thank you. Shit. What are the chances?

00:24:59

Wow. Oh, Karen. Do you have any head bandages? Because I'm going to need those later.

00:25:07

Okay. Oh, and now it really smells like a seventh grade boy up here. It really does.

00:25:13

It's strong. It's strong, but I'm not sweating. It's just staying in my body and toxing me.

00:25:20

Good. Instead of detoxing me. Mm-hmm. You know. That's what we want. That's what we want.

00:25:24

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00:28:16

quince.com slash mfm goodbye all right we didn't decide how who's gonna go first um right yeah

00:28:26

because we're now we're all off we recorded like four episodes before we left to cover us

00:28:31

we're off the books on and then we usually have photos and steven's like put some in order and so

00:28:35

we but we thought it'd be better to be more intimate and not have photos guys you don't

00:28:39

need photos that's why you're clapping you don't know why you're clapping good i hate photos

00:28:45

I can't see that grave anyway I can't see so good do you want to go first do you want me to go first

00:28:53

we usually were going to decide based on whose murder would be better to end on less of a bummer

00:28:59

how recent is yours? 2001 I think you should go first okay this is a true crime slash comedy podcast

00:29:09

so that can be a little delicate it's a conversation we talk about heavy shit but sometimes we're lighthearted about it.

00:29:17

If that's going to bother you, you should get the fuck out. I'd also like to say that those of you

00:29:27

who did wander in off the street thinking that this wasn't going to be like this

00:29:30

because my name is George on the ticket and you thought that maybe there'd be at least one man up here

00:29:35

taking care of shit. You've been misinformed. Get the fuck out of here. My name is Georgia.

00:29:42

What if there's somebody in the audience is like, I was guaranteed a man would be on stage.

00:29:48

What are they gonna do? They have no guidance or leadership. Okay You fucking asking for it dude full rotation okay so mine yeah let

00:30:06

good Colin ending on the later one okay this is about the fucking asshole Colin Whelan

00:30:13

oh okay just them alright so Colin Whelan he first meets 19 year old Mary Go in, go?

00:30:26

Go. Hold on, Louise. Goff. Thank you. Sorry, we don't know how to read in America.

00:30:37

Or do you have any research, apparently? Watch one. Okay. Goff in 1993. So Mary is working at a pub called the Huntsman Inn.

00:30:45

She's this lovely young lady. She was born in 1973. She's the only girl of six. Oh, shit.

00:30:53

And she's the second to youngest, so these fucking dudes, or her brothers, adore her.

00:30:58

She's like the light of the family. Colin, he is born in 71. He's born into a nice middle-class family from Gormanstown.

00:31:11

Gormanstown. Gormanstown. She doesn't even know what you're talking about. She doesn't know.

00:31:16

Karen, you say that. What? Gormanstown. Really? it's never what you think. You're always like, it has to have some weird fucking sound in the

00:31:27

middle of it because everyone yells at us. And then it just looks like it. We have PTSD. We have

00:31:31

pronunciation PTSD. We have been verbally assaulted by entire cities because we didn't say their

00:31:39

fucking local town right. All across America, people have screamed and screamed at us, which

00:31:44

started our, we began a crusade and it's called spell it like you say it. And we're just asking

00:31:51

I did. To please. All right. Okay. So here we go. Yes. So Collins from a better suburb of Dublin.

00:32:03

He is a computer analyst with a background in IT. He gets this well-paid job with a banking giant Irish permanent.

00:32:12

You guys work there. They love it. This is their yearly conference tonight. Oh, you guys had a holiday this weekend.

00:32:20

Oh, yeah. I love it. You guys are way less shit-faced than I would have expected for a bank holiday.

00:32:25

And I want to say we appreciate it. I just love that I kept seeing commercials for furniture stores,

00:32:30

but it was like bank holiday sale, where I was like, what the fuck is this bank holiday situation?

00:32:36

It's a big deal. Yeah. So he works there for like nine years. He's big time. And so Mary's brothers describe her as beautiful, funny, intelligent, easygoing,

00:32:47

and a straight-talking girl. and Colin is her first boyfriend, which we all fucking know,

00:32:52

except for the ones who married them and they're here with him tonight. Good cover, good cover.

00:32:57

Thank you, thank you. Well done. Thank you. There's always some girls like, I know, but I got a good one.

00:33:02

You're like, all right, keep it. Fine. So, she's from Stalmullen. Stalmullen, close enough.

00:33:13

Let Louise say it. Louise. She doesn't know. You can't do it. We're back to Emily.

00:33:18

What do you call it? Stramullen. Stramullen. No? They're claiming that you want to see it.

00:33:29

There's too many. We'll be here all night. Spellin? Oh, oh. They're saying... I thought they were pronouncing the word,

00:33:42

so I said spellin, but they were like, spell it. Spell the word. Oh, it's that city spelling over on the east side.

00:33:52

I'm not saying any more places, so we're good. Spell the word and they'll tell you.

00:33:57

Okay, because they asked the same thing and then we yelled at them. Oh, I see, and then we attacked Louise.

00:34:01

S-T-A-M-U-L-L-E-N. But if everybody says it at the same time, it sounds like nothing.

00:34:09

Do you understand? It can only be Louise. It's your big chance, Louise. And she hates it.

00:34:15

Shout it out. Demol it. Stamalan. Yes. We might have to get you your own mic. Give her that deodorant.

00:34:25

Pass the deodorant to Louise. So Colin becomes Mary's very first boyfriend. And her mother, they liked Colin, but her mother said that she thought that Mary loved him too much.

00:34:40

I know. In August 1970, they start dating in, where was I? Ninety, where did I? Ninety-three.

00:34:46

In August of 97, Colin buys a house and Balbrigan. Yeah, that's right. Feel it. Love it.

00:34:58

Take it inside. I'm doing it. It's happening. Your victory is real. If you just keep failing when you get one little victory, people are like, good job.

00:35:09

In 98, they get engaged. They move in together. So Mary's mother, Marie, has misgivings, of course, about Colin and the control that he exerted over her, saying that he insisted she would dress down and not be revealing, but meanwhile he was fucking checking out girls, ladies all the time.

00:35:27

He would not approve of this dress. Absolutely not. I mean, it is a bit nuts. So Mary, she's 27 now, and she's planning their September 2000 wedding.

00:35:39

meanwhile uh he colin makes a visit to their financial planner secretly and he doubles their

00:35:47

life insurance policy so that the surviving partner would get 400 000 euros of your money euros you know what your money is called and so do we so we don even have to say it It a bank holiday Let stop talking about money

00:36:07

You guys are so greedy. We don't want to talk about money. Don't be so superficial that you need to hear the name

00:36:13

of what your money is called. So it would get $400,000 if one of them died within 10 years of marriage,

00:36:23

which seems like it shouldn't be a thing to be like betting on how long they'll live in the marriage.

00:36:28

Shouldn't be allowed. No, it's like, but if you die within five years, you'll get this.

00:36:32

This is not a fucking contest. In September 2000, after dating for seven years, excuse me, they're married.

00:36:40

Apparently allergies can come to Dublin with you. I mean, you're carry on. After dating seven years, they're married.

00:36:48

And at this point, Mary's working in a solicitor's office in Swords. swords. Seriously? What the fuck? I tried to put a spin on it. Thank you. You guys are so supportive.

00:37:01

Okay. And she's of course highly regarded as my colleagues because fucking everything sucks. So

00:37:08

Colin, which is the name of my ex-fiance. So of course I fucking hate this guy even more.

00:37:15

Stupid name. I love to hear the subtext of these stories. You're just filled with rage.

00:37:21

adding my own bullshit into this, like that I should take out in therapy instead of on stage.

00:37:26

I think this is therapy. I mean, so that means I pay you guys $150 at the end of this.

00:37:34

$150 L with two lines in it. So after just four months of marriage, Colin starts an online relationship

00:37:42

with a woman named Helen who lives in Wales. That's in the UK. He says to her that he starts bragging about how he's about to get 400 euros

00:37:58

because his wife had died in a car crash. It might not be euros. It is. Let's consult Louise.

00:38:07

Pounds. That's what I did not say that. Well, I didn't mean that. Thank you for catching that.

00:38:17

Thank you. 400,000. That's a lot more. I feel like I need to warn you now, Louise,

00:38:23

you are absolutely going to be attacked at some point. But it's very vulnerable to have to go to you

00:38:28

for every fucking word you say. We're going to send you to therapy after this. We understand.

00:38:37

$400,000. So he is bragging to this woman, Helen, who has no fucking clue what's going on,

00:38:43

that his wife had died in a car accident years earlier, so he was going to get that money.

00:38:48

and he made up a nickname for her to call him furry bear. As opposed to what other kind of bear?

00:38:57

You know that sad one that you've seen without hair? Naked bear? Like a Chernobyl bear?

00:39:02

Yeah. Yeah, dude. Redundant bear. So the relationship gets intense. She's like, we're falling in love.

00:39:11

They email each other sometimes dozens of times a day. You remember that in 2001.

00:39:17

Hot emails? Probably. Remember in 2001 when you could have an online relationship with someone and it meant something?

00:39:23

And your friends weren't like, what the fuck are you doing? Because we didn't know.

00:39:28

And they have phone calls. He sends her photos of him with his photo face, his face of his photo, superimposed over a fucking weightlifter's body.

00:39:41

And I think she finds out and thinks it's funny, but it's not. He does not mean it funny.

00:39:47

It's not like he's like, look, I'm a meme or anything. It's before that. There's no memes.

00:39:51

It's 2001. It's pre-meme time. So I also bet that Photoshop was insanely shitty.

00:39:57

So it was like his head with a black ring around it. Yeah. Part of a bar in the background.

00:40:02

Two ears, like his real ear and then the ear from Weight Lifter. And of course, his face is normal Irish white.

00:40:09

And then the bodybuilder's body is like a hot dog's color. Yeah. So then they plan to meet for the first time.

00:40:18

He's like, makes up a bullshit thing that he's going to Germany for work. To go get muscles.

00:40:24

Yeah. And so he plans, they plan to meet on March 2nd, 2001. She's all excited about it and then doesn't hear from him after that.

00:40:34

So it turns out the day before they're set to meet on February 28th, 2001, at 16 minutes past midnight, Colin calls 999.

00:40:45

That's what you guys call it. They know. I know. I know. I don't know why I told them.

00:40:53

We're having a heart adjustment, period. And asks for an ambulance. He claims that his wife, Mary, had fallen down the stairs.

00:41:02

He tells the operators he didn't think she was breathing, and so he was talked through CPR and heart massaged by the operator

00:41:09

and made a show of carrying them out, of course. we're not going to play the 911-999 call, don't we?

00:41:16

Because I would walk off the stage. The ambulance arrives at 12.30, and immediately paramedics were like,

00:41:23

there's some shady shit going on. They can tell because Mary's position was not consistent

00:41:29

with someone who had fallen down the stairs or someone who had gotten CPR, and there's no blood on his face

00:41:38

from having given her mouth to mouth, even though there's blood on her face. so they also found mary with like a duvet or a quilt resting over her which they thought was

00:41:45

weird and they and her body was too cold to have it had it just happen you know a half hour earlier

00:41:51

and most telling though they found a blood towel around her neck and they work frantically to save her and colin coldly asks is she dead And they were like this is fucking not okay And then within minutes of Mary arrival

00:42:06

at the hospital, Beaumont Hospital, questions were raised from the medical staff.

00:42:10

This nurse sister, Catherine Galvin, she is like, what the fuck, you have scratches on your chest.

00:42:19

And so goes over to Gardie. Garda? Garda. And it's like, yo, check this guy out.

00:42:28

He's like, Garty sounds like some dude that's standing in the corner at the hospital.

00:42:31

You know, Garty, he has a bunch of cigarettes. You can always bum a cigarette from Garty.

00:42:36

You know. So, yeah, so she notices that. And then the doctor who's trying to resuscitate Mary notices marks on her neck and chest, which suggests that she hadn't fallen down the stairs.

00:42:51

and also at the hospital colin seems to have no remorse and no like sadness over mary's death

00:42:57

mary's mother marie who's of course extremely close with her only daughter goes up to him and

00:43:02

is like what happened and he she says i walked up to colin and he was sitting with his head in his

00:43:07

hands and i said how's mary and he just said she was dead just like that i couldn't get over it

00:43:13

i'll never forget the way he answered me he was just sitting there i was looking at everyone else

00:43:17

roaring and crying and I didn't know what to think. So that's fucking shady. Later that day, Dr. Marie Cassidy

00:43:24

of the State Pathologist Company. Lay down Marie. She confirms the suspicions of Garda.

00:43:36

And says that she had died of asphyxiation. The story of what really happened that night

00:43:41

was that as Mary was getting ready for bed Colin came up behind her with the belt of a dressing gown

00:43:49

and tries to strangle her, but she fucking fought like hell and scratched him up.

00:43:54

Then that's what they saw at the hospital. And then she's unconscious. He drags her down the stairs

00:44:00

and sits and covers her body with the blanket so that he could disguise her time of death,

00:44:08

like trying to keep her warm, which is fucking insane, and then has time to clean up the crime scene.

00:44:13

but he overlooked traces of blood so when they go through the house they find all this shit

00:44:20

he's, yeah they search, then this guy he's a fucking IT specialist with his own company

00:44:27

and yet the Garda searched his computer and found that within weeks of setting up the insurance policy

00:44:34

prior to their wedding Colin was looking up different ways to kill Mary fucking googling this shit

00:44:41

I don't think Google exists yet What was it then? Ask Jeeves? He was binging that shit?

00:44:49

He was binging the shit out of it. That was an innocent time, like 2001, where people thought,

00:44:54

oh, I'll just put this into my own computer and no one will be the wiser. Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn.

00:45:00

And then you hit clear history. Clear history, you're gone. It's cleared. What are cookies?

00:45:06

Elvis just walks out of stage. Oh, that'd be, oh my God. What if we don't bring Steven on tour, but we do bring Elvis?

00:45:15

That's so insulting. That's just rude. Just plain rude. That would be great. So some of the searches this fucking idiot goes for are asphyxiation, loss of consciousness,

00:45:32

how long to take to die from asphyxiation, lack of oxygen to the brain, and death by strangulation.

00:45:39

He just should have put, I'm going to kill my wife in there. What should I do step by step?

00:45:44

Tell me exactly. But somehow, and I think it's probably because of arrogance, despite being a computer analyst,

00:45:52

he just didn't realize that they could trace every movement on him. So maybe didn't graduate at the top of his class.

00:45:59

Probably not. Another creepy thing found on his computer was a downloaded transcript of a case from Northern Carolina regarding...

00:46:08

North Carolina? Northern. Same thing. North Carolina. We know that one. Why do I have to put a spin on it?

00:46:16

I don't know. I have to like try to sound smarter. Now you doubt every word on the page.

00:46:24

I do. I'm so sweaty. Okay. I am too. I am too. Okay, great. In North Carolina, which is in the northern part of Carolina.

00:46:36

There's also South Carolina. Hi. All the fucking Carolinas, shut up. They're all here tonight, folks.

00:46:45

Okay, there's a case there regarding death by strangulation that's really similar.

00:46:49

Basically, you studied another fucking murder case. In both cases, the bodies were wrapped in a blanket to keep the body warm,

00:46:57

and they both involved the use of a towel to hide the marks around a victim's neck.

00:47:03

and they found out about the affair and he had affairs both before and after marrying

00:47:10

Mary and he posted on a number of dating sites trying to get sex and then other ones trying to get relationships

00:47:18

he's just a real piece of shit why do the relationship one? I don't know not to be cynical

00:47:26

how much time do you have in your fucking day? that fucking arrogance man, it'll get you

00:47:32

So, okay, then, okay. A month after Mary's death on April 10th, 2001, Collins charged with her murder.

00:47:43

And the case was going to make legal history in that it would have been the first time

00:47:47

that virtual evidence was crucial because the internet searches would have been central

00:47:53

to securing a conviction. That was the first time that would happen, which is like, what an idiot.

00:48:00

Your legacy? Yeah. No. You're an IT guy that is the first person to be prosecuted for virtual evidence.

00:48:07

Exactly. Way to go. Irony. This is the irony. He denies the fucking charges, of course, but the trial is set for October 13, 2003,

00:48:18

and he's fucking let on bail for some reason. It was going to be seven months later, and they're like, go ahead and wait at your house

00:48:24

or wherever you want. Like, come on. And so, of course, his car is found, shortly after his car is found, abandoned at Howth.

00:48:35

Howth, damn close. You wanted two choices on that one. It was a 50-50. Right. Howth, which is an outer suburb of Dublin, and it's on Uppercliff Road.

00:48:48

Actually, it's on Uppercliff Road, which is a set of cliffs. What if it's the one you were thinking about?

00:48:52

Oh, my God. I was there. You were there. I was there. It was in 2001, too. What if you looked over and you're like,

00:48:59

Wait, there was a man that was standing. Now that I think about it, I can see a man.

00:49:08

So they find his car on the cliffs, you know, leading to people, some people assuming that he had committed suicide.

00:49:15

His car's there, all his belongings were in the car. And I'm sure it was like, ooh, he committed suicide.

00:49:20

But Mary's family was like, fuck that shit. No, he didn't. They knew. So they were like, I wrote, of course Mary's family was like, oh, hell nah.

00:49:33

And they were convinced that Colin had faked his own death, so they formed a huge search party looking for him.

00:49:39

But meanwhile, and it turned out they were right, of course. Meanwhile, Colin had stolen the identity of a neighbor named Martin Sweeney, and Martin had never applied for a passport.

00:49:48

So fucking Colin goes, Martin's my dad's name, and Colin's my, wow. It's all coming together

00:49:55

Oh my god So then he applied for a passport And this guy Martin's name Gets the passport and flees to Spain

00:50:03

He settles on an island called And I wrote this phonetically Mallorca So that's the one you spell phonetically

00:50:11

I know The one nobody gives a shit about So I guess it's not It's an island that's not oftenly

00:50:19

Frequented by Irish tourists Are you drunk? No, you've seen me for the past two hours backstage.

00:50:26

I've just huffed a lot of deodorant. Oh, that's what it is. She's high on brute.

00:50:33

So, and he gets a job in a resort as a bartender. And he's just like living it up like Kokomo style.

00:50:41

And he like fucking. You know he wore his shirt. Like the first button was way down here, but he was like.

00:50:47

He's like, I'm a bodybuilder. It's me. It's me, the Irish bodybuilder. Right. He fucking makes friends.

00:50:55

He gets a girlfriend. He's like, this is my life now. Asshole. But then he begins frequenting Irish bars in Palma Nova,

00:51:09

which is like, you really like fucking number one in hiding your identity. It's like, don't go to the bar where people who are from the place you're hiding from hang out at.

00:51:18

Where you're going to get super drunk and then start going, wait, where are you from?

00:51:23

Hi. So am I. And I tell you a secret. I tell you a secret. I quit a secret. Because you're my best friend.

00:51:35

So I'm going to tell you. I know we just met. I killed people. so and he tells he uh he tells all his best friends that his parents are dead and he has

00:51:51

no surviving relatives which is like red flag i think right yeah unless it's real and then like

00:51:56

oh my god i'm so sorry i doubted you it sucks it can go one of two ways either you're the asshole

00:52:02

or they're the asshole um but it's rare that somebody doesn't have like one old aunt sitting

00:52:10

around somewhere. Or like someone who they keep in touch with on Facebook from elementary school. Yeah. Like just one.

00:52:16

Yeah. Maybe two. Okay. So this, of course, this place, Santa Ponsa, so he starts going to night spots in this

00:52:28

other place, Santa Ponsa, that's like Ireland's favorite fucking place to hang out.

00:52:32

Outside of Ireland. So, of course, in July of 2004, 16 motherfucking months after fleeing.

00:52:40

That's a long time. That dude was spotted. He's, Colin's spotted at the bar by someone from Dublin

00:52:46

who was like, um, and, and he gets extradited back to Ireland. Nice. Yay. That person

00:52:55

fucking saved up for their vacation to Santa Paula or whatever it's called. They're fucking

00:53:03

half in the bag. Like, isn't it great to be the uh-oh? Or what if it was like, sober up. What if it was like, where do I

00:53:11

know you from? Did we go to camp together? Where do I know you? I went to elementary school.

00:53:17

Did we do Highland dancing in grammar school together? Local references? You don't like, okay.

00:53:24

They don't want to. They're like, stop generalizing about us. You don't know us.

00:53:31

A friend at the bar, a friend that he had worked with said there's nothing out of the ordinary about,

00:53:36

they were all like, what the fuck? His girlfriend's devastated about the whole thing. Can you fucking imagine? Oh my god. She had no idea who he really was.

00:53:46

So she, the girlfriend thought he was dead too. She let him. No, no, no. The girl, Helen, girlfriend A

00:53:52

is like it like they knock on he doesn show up when he supposed to They knock on her door and they like we need to talk to you about your online boyfriend Colin And she like oh my God is he okay And they like yes but And she fucking is going to testify against him

00:54:06

Oh, got it. Like, fuck this dude. This girlfriend is the island girlfriend, a new girlfriend.

00:54:11

Oh, okay. And nobody had any idea. And she had no idea either. So, like, you know.

00:54:16

Da-da-da-da-da. Don't date people on islands. That's the point of that one. This is an island.

00:54:23

Shit. I'm just sweating so bad. This is high pressure. It's a high pressure situation.

00:54:35

You had one job. Every move we make is wrong. Edit that out. So now this Colin is 34 years old at the time of the murder trial.

00:54:46

He expresses no emotion at the hearing. He just stands there with his head down.

00:54:51

Just as Paul Carney told him, since he prolonged the Goffs' family suffering when he refused to offer a quick trial while extradited, he's still being a dick.

00:55:02

He also said that this, quote, this has been the most calculating and callous killing I have ever encountered in my time in court.

00:55:08

So in April 2005, he, Colin pleads guilty to the murder of Mary. At the sentencing, one of Mary's brothers spoke and said,

00:55:17

our family is living a life sentence since her murder and we'll always have to live with it.

00:55:22

They won't, we won't get off for good behavior. Mary is gone forever and we can't run away.

00:55:28

Like you fucking ran away. So Justice Carney hands down a mandatory life sentence,

00:55:33

the most severe sentence he could hand down. He said in normal circumstances, he would backdate the sentence to the time already spent in custody.

00:55:40

But since Colin had later dazed from the state, he wouldn't. So he's like, go fuck yourself.

00:55:46

Oh, he's tacking on that 16 months. He's like, remember your island vacation? You're going to pay.

00:55:51

Yeah. So Mary's brother David addressed Colin saying that the family would never, ever, ever, quote,

00:55:59

forgive him because he took a piece of each of them when he killed Mary. And, quote, Mary's only crime was loving you too much.

00:56:06

Oh, I know. and that's the murderer Colin Whelan of Mary Goss. Wow. That was amazing.

00:56:13

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00:59:21

Emily in the bowl. Our gal. Emily. Emily's the only one. Emily, stop it. Some also people know him as the Stony Batter Strangler.

00:59:35

Oh. Now they get it. This was actually, this story was tweeted to us on our Twitter page by a Dublin theater group called Tales from the Shadows.

00:59:48

Oh, it's Emily's theater group. Oh my God! What are the chances? Here stand up Okay what your theater group all about We do storytelling and shadow puppetry all together We also just started a podcast

01:00:06

We've got two episodes so far. What's it called? Silence of the Shadows. Silence of the Shadows?

01:00:11

Silence of the Shadows. Sorry, Silence of the Shadows. Is it like a storytelling podcast?

01:00:15

Yep. Represent. Storytelling podcast. All right, well, I'm doing your story. No, thank you.

01:00:22

That's awesome Yeah because you know what I was gonna do I had Alias Grace That story that was just on Netflix

01:00:32

And I had it all researched Don't act sad That's really rude But then I realized it was an Irish girl

01:00:40

But the whole thing took place in Canada So there was a picture in my mind like No one gives a shit about Canada

01:00:45

Then we got this tweet And I was like They don't want you getting the fucking places in Canada wrong

01:00:51

They want you doing it here. This is, we need errors from the island. From this island.

01:00:57

And then I, so I look up this, and so what Emily and her theater group did was they linked a video of,

01:01:05

there's a video series called Story Maps, where people tell stories. Is it all Europe, or is it just Ireland?

01:01:11

Just Dublin. Oh, just Dublin, okay. You guys have enough here, Jesus. Story Maps.ie, and it's really cool.

01:01:19

There's just all these people telling local lore and local stories. Cool. Oh, good.

01:01:23

Other people are hot, too. Okay, that's great. Oh, good. Oh, yeah. I forgot I could do this.

01:01:28

Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah, you can do that. In the Story Maps video, it's a lovely young man named Bobby Ahern who tells the story of Billy and the Bowl.

01:01:39

Earn. Ahern. Okay. We have family friends named the Ahearns. And so I just fight every pronunciation.

01:01:53

My grandma told me that I become the girl in the bar. Bobby Ahern. And he is so charming.

01:02:05

He tells the story so well. He's sitting in the Grange Inn. He's got a cup of tea in front of him.

01:02:09

And he tells the story of Billy and the Bull, which is fucking nuts. Also, there's a blog called Silent Owl, and they wrote up the story of it.

01:02:19

There's a lot of great information, so I took from both of those. So this man, Billy Davis, he was born sometime in the mid-1700s.

01:02:27

So this is old, old, old. Right, good, right, good. And although not much is known about his early life,

01:02:34

it's safe to assume that he was a beautiful, healthy baby boy because the story about him

01:02:42

and the kind of the overriding fact of the story of Billy and the Bull is that he was fucking hot.

01:02:51

He had a big mop of black hair and he had green eyes and he had like an aquiline nose

01:02:56

and just gorgeous face. And so he was like, he was dashing. He was a dashing hottie.

01:03:03

That reminds me, I forgot to tell you guys, we saw Benicio Del Toro in the airport.

01:03:07

It was really exciting. Yeah. He looked so hungover. It made me sad for him. Sorry.

01:03:16

No. If he's here tonight, apologies. What if he was flying over to come to the men?

01:03:22

Suddenly we pretend to be fans of Benicio Del Toro. I love everything you've done.

01:03:28

Okay, so... So, Billy Davis was a Hawkeye. Unfortunately, he was born with no legs.

01:03:37

Oh. So, it wasn't supposed to be a joke. Ma'am, somebody's laughing insanely hard over there.

01:03:49

So he ends up living in a place called the House of Industry, which is also known as the Dublin Poor House.

01:03:58

That doesn't sound like what it means. No, I know. They're trying to gild the lily on that one a little bit.

01:04:03

But the first house of industry was built in 1703, where today the St. James Hospital stands.

01:04:11

So they know that. They know that. So it was maintained. I love this fact. It was maintained by the taxes that people paid for their sedan chairs and their hackney carriages.

01:04:23

I don't know what either of those things are. Sedan chairs are those things that you see in period movies where four dudes carry a box with a rich lady inside on sticks.

01:04:32

Yes, yes. That's a sedan chair. Oh, God. So it's like... I want to be like, fuck those women, but I bet their shoes hurt so bad constantly.

01:04:40

And their corsets. Everything about... And their oppression. All of it. Everything about it.

01:04:47

Made them fainting. I'm like, get on that box. Get in the box. But those people that had carriages and sedan chairs had to pay an extra tax for them,

01:04:58

and that tax went to pay for the house of industry. I like that. It was kind of, you know, it was a good setup.

01:05:03

Let's bring those back. Except for the House of Industry wasn't the best place in the world, as I'm sure you all know and can imagine.

01:05:12

In 1805, a man named Sir John Carr wrote something called His Tour of Ireland. He described the House of Industry as, quote,

01:05:21

a gloomy abode of mingled want, disease, vice, and malady, where lunatics were loaded with heavy chains and fallen women bound and lodged.

01:05:30

Shit. Yeah. That's heavy. No sedan chairs inside of the House of Industry. Also, you could, if you were a fallen woman, which, what, that meant you wore a dress like this?

01:05:42

That basically you're fucking in there with all the worst of the worst. Bound and logged, which whatever that fucking means, I don't want to know.

01:05:51

Good luck with that. Okay so also a political theorist named Alexis de Tocqueville described the conditions of the inmates that he saw during his investigative tour of Ireland in 1835 as the most hideous and disgusting aspect of destitution

01:06:06

Jesus. So it wasn't awesome there. They fed people, I think it said once or twice a day, with a soup that they made from collected scraps from the great houses.

01:06:21

So wherever the rich people lived, they'd go by and get the scraps of their shitty leftovers and then put all that in a bowl and make a soup.

01:06:29

And they're like, dinner time, everybody. On the one hand, I'm like, that's pretty cool, though.

01:06:34

At least it's not from what the horses were eating. Well, I mean, that's very positive of you.

01:06:41

If they're noting it, it means it was bad. Yeah, it means this soup sucks. So, in 1773, this workhouse is reformed and it's split into a hospital for the mentally insane, a workhouse for the poor, and then a foundling hospital, primarily used for the safety and education of the admitted children.

01:07:04

Now, they start talking about this foundling hospital, and it later comes under investigation because of the abnormally high mortality rates.

01:07:13

It turns out four of the five children that are admitted to the foundling hospital die.

01:07:19

Four of the fucking five. And the investigations, they find strong evidence. That lady is so drunk.

01:07:26

It is. She is at a totally different show. I'm reading about infant mortality rates and she is peeing her fucking pants.

01:07:37

It's a bank holiday. It's a fucking bank holiday. What if it's a ghost? Oh my God.

01:07:47

So the House of Commons stops allowing for new admissions to the family hospital in 1831.

01:07:54

It took them 107 years to be like, you know what? It has to stop. Thousands of children have died.

01:08:01

Like they're better off on the streets. Just close the door. But well, let's wait one more year.

01:08:06

Okay. 107 years have passed. We're going to stop. So when it's reformed, this House of Industry, in 1773, it turns out there's no place for Billy Davis because, and this is something good old Bobby Ahern read in his story map story, that in the minutes book it said, quote,

01:08:27

it is deemed resolved that the man in the bowl is not a proper person and is to be discharged

01:08:34

from the house of industry. So they decide because he's handicapped, he is not a person

01:08:39

and they fucking kick him out, which sucks. So he's in the streets of Dublin. It's the

01:08:45

mid to late 1700s now. And they say at the time, 18th century Dublin was known for two things,

01:08:52

all the amazing architectural buildings and beggars. That's what there's the most of everywhere.

01:08:59

I was going to guess candy and... Soda bread? Yeah. I was hoping for it. No, you tried.

01:09:07

But the good news is things aren't all bad because somewhere along the line, a kindly blacksmith took pity upon Billy

01:09:16

and built him this weird early version of a wheelchair, which was basically a big, huge iron bowl that he could sit in.

01:09:25

Okay. And he stuck some wheels on it. Okay. And then Billy used two pieces of wood and pulled himself along in a bowl.

01:09:35

And that's how he became known as Billy in the Bowl. Holy shit. So now picture this.

01:09:41

When I first read this story, I didn't get that there were wheels on the bowl. So I just thought he was fucking dragging an iron bowl, like the worst CrossFit workout of all time.

01:09:54

And you know all the cobblestone streets, so it's just jarring his teeth. It's just the loudest, heaviest situation anyone could be in.

01:10:02

But he was hot. But he was hot. And that's, we can always go back to that when things get hard.

01:10:07

Yeah. Is that up here, everything was working out great for him. because among all of the beggars,

01:10:14

he actually was, of course, gorgeous, and he was really charming, so he got a lot of pity and attention,

01:10:20

and people would give him money. He also made friends with a lot of the servant girls,

01:10:24

and I think he stole from the House of Industry style, so he would go back along the back of the great houses,

01:10:30

and they would give him scraps from the house, so he'd end up filling his bowl up.

01:10:35

Oh, no. As Bobby Hearn in the video says, like a big stew. He sits in his bowl like a big stew.

01:10:43

Oh, my God. Coins, little pieces of meat. I don't know. Okay. And so basically, this is, he is on the streets of Dublin for six years begging.

01:10:56

And, but he, he drinks and he gambles. So as much as he makes and as well as he does being a beggar, a hot beggar on the street,

01:11:05

you know, the money goes. Sure. So now I've lost my place. So he decides to embark on a life of crime.

01:11:15

So early one night in 1780, around dusk, Billy lays in wait until he sees a middle-aged woman coming up Grange Gorman Lane on her way to Queen Street.

01:11:27

She's by herself and he throws himself out of his bowl. Pieces of meat go everywhere.

01:11:39

Sorry, that's inappropriate. And he lays in the bushes moaning and screaming, right?

01:11:47

So then the lady's like, oh no, something happened to somebody. And she goes over to see what's going on.

01:11:52

And now you have to imagine, because he's spent years and years and years dragging himself around in a bowl...

01:12:00

Upper body strength is fucking nutso. So he has like crazy, a crazy upper body. Sorry.

01:12:11

I just got this like pole dark kind of idea in my head of like how hot. Pole dark, right, Louise?

01:12:21

You got to watch that show. That guy's insane looking. But basically she leans down.

01:12:27

This lady leans down to be like, are you okay? It's like old school Ted Bundy style.

01:12:31

Like, I'm her. Exactly. He's the orig Ted Bundy. Because then she's like, are you okay, man in the ditch?

01:12:38

Yeah. His huge power arms come out and just strangle her. Oh, no. He chokes her out.

01:12:44

He takes her purse. Bowls away. As we know. Fucking. Clomping on those fucking cobblestones.

01:12:56

Bobby Ahern says, it was like he was going around in a canoe on the street. Oh, my God.

01:13:01

That's how he explained it. Bobby's the best. Bobby's the best. And he had a real glimmer in his eye as he told this story.

01:13:10

So when the middle-aged lady wakes up, she has no fucking clue what just happened.

01:13:14

She's just like, I don't know who did it. I don't know what he looks like. She has no clue.

01:13:19

Meanwhile, Billy and the Bull has the perfect cover. Because everybody, of course, writes him off.

01:13:24

They don't know how insanely strong he is and poldark he is underneath his shirt.

01:13:29

They just go, oh, it's the poor crippled man. So he is never even slightly considered.

01:13:33

He is nobody even takes notice. And it's the perfect cover. So he then proceeds to do this crime constantly.

01:13:40

This is now his new jam. So that's up until 1786. Now, one night he's laying in wait, waiting for a woman to rob, but the one who comes along, as Bobby Ahern describes her, she's a hefty servant girl.

01:14:03

Oh, shit. You better fucking watch out for us hefty servant girls. Do not fuck with us.

01:14:13

so he goes to choke her out and she's like i don't think so man in the pool and love it

01:14:25

she starts to fight him off and she's starting to get away he knows that if she gets away his whole

01:14:30

scheme is going to be over so he strangles her to death and this is his first murder oh no yeah

01:14:36

um when her body's found the next day it's a huge story everybody goes nuts um they call it

01:14:43

the 11 Grange-Gorman Lane murder. And it's Ireland's first ever... Oh, so Ireland had just assembled

01:14:49

their first police force. This is how long ago this was. Okay. Pre-police. Damn.

01:14:56

Garda. The Garda. Or the Gardee. You're changing it now that it's my story. Now that she's done...

01:15:04

It's both. They're just saying whatever they want, Louise. You say no. One Garda to Gardee.

01:15:11

single or pure okay are you the one that was laughing earlier because I'm not listening to you

01:15:19

baby death laugher one guard two guard got it this is all information that will not help us

01:15:35

in Oslo but tomorrow night everyone's gonna think we're really smart here oh shit

01:15:40

thanks Yerath Tomorrow night, we're going to be like, no, you're pronouncing it wrong.

01:15:48

I mean, in all these articles, they called it the police force. Yeah, I don't know what you guys are.

01:15:53

Anyhow. So basically, the case goes cold. Nobody suspects Billy in the bowl, of course.

01:15:58

He's the charming, beautiful beggar. No one even looks at him. So he decides to lay low for like six months.

01:16:05

But of course, all of his bad habits get the best of him. He starts to run out of money.

01:16:08

So one night, he's on Richardson's Lane. Two women are walking along. It's dusk.

01:16:17

In some stories, they're servant girls. In some stories, they're rich, well-to-do women.

01:16:24

But either way, it was women who were kind of dressed up for the night on the town.

01:16:27

So they had a lot of jewelry on and a lot of kind of overt richness. So Billy does this thing where he throws himself out of the bowl.

01:16:35

But he doesn't see that there's two women. he just knows that someone's coming. Does he hide his giant bowl on wheels?

01:16:44

You know what he does is he also carries around a big ficus plant and so he'll just go ahead

01:16:50

and pull that plant over. It looks like this amazing, gorgeous planter on wheels.

01:16:54

I would love it if it was like a Looney Tunes style skyline of the Warner Brothers studio.

01:17:00

He folds the bowl up real small and puts him in his pocket and then lays down in the bushes.

01:17:04

Oh my God. I can't account for the bowl. Okay. The man-sized bowl that he rolls around.

01:17:10

He pulls it backwards, parks it. Yeah. Parks it facing out. Yeah. Gets out, gets into the bushes.

01:17:19

Yeah. Some holes in this story. This whole thing is fake, obviously. But who cares?

01:17:27

So when the women come up, he's doing the thing where he's doing his cries for help.

01:17:31

The women approach. he sees that their money their jewelry their money they open their purse to give him money He can control himself He grabs one woman

01:17:45

No. He doesn't see that there's the other woman. He just sees the one in front of him.

01:17:49

He starts to strangle her. Uh-oh. And then the woman behind her pulls out her fucking hat pin.

01:17:56

Yes, yes, yes. Memorized hat pins that are like this long. Oh, shit. And she jams it into his right eye.

01:18:03

Oh! We're glad. We're happy. We're happy, but it's hard. There's nothing that makes Irish people clap more than piercing an eye with a pin.

01:18:17

They love it. Oh, man. That's, I'm just going to, we need to start wearing hats again.

01:18:22

Yes, that's right. I just don't understand how you put that on your head and don't then jam it into your own skull.

01:18:29

Right. But it worked out great because they run up to, hold on, I'll tell you. Where do they go, Karen?

01:18:41

They run up to a street. It's going to be somewhere fun, I bet. I bet it's going to be somewhere.

01:18:47

Manor Street. There you go. They run up to Manor Street. Was that fun? They run up to Manor Street, which is an amazing street.

01:18:53

You have to see it. And there's a group of people there. In that group of people.

01:18:59

There's a new guarda who's like, hey, I'm just learning how to do this. Let me help.

01:19:04

Now they get my baton out. That's right. Their old, old baton. Run down, and they find Billy laying on the street with his eye out,

01:19:13

and they finally realize that this is who the strangler was. So someone goes and grabs.

01:19:20

I guess the bull must have been elsewhere, because they went and got a wheelbarrow and put him in it.

01:19:26

Shit, oh. And took him up to the Green Street prison. so what a bummer yeah it's the whole thing is horrifying um so they could not prove that he

01:19:37

was the strangler they didn't have the evidence to to connect it to the other murders but they

01:19:41

had him for this one so he was convicted for robbery with violence okay and he was sentenced

01:19:46

to hard labor uh at the green street prison what's that some kind of a sex reference that i'm not

01:19:55

getting? No, they're, they're, because he doesn't have legs. So we're wondering if he got his bowl.

01:20:03

It's so small minded of you to think that you can only do labor with your legs. What about this? What about lifting things? What about handing someone something over and over?

01:20:14

Here, I got it. I will pass that salt for the rest of my life. Karen, hard labor is passing salt.

01:20:23

If you make a really loud noise as you pass it, it counts as hard labor. God, I'm sick of it.

01:20:35

So basically, he's convicted and he has to stay there for the rest of his life. There was a super creepy thing that they used to do.

01:20:44

I don't know when they stopped doing it. The rich would go and visit prisons and mental institutions just as a night out.

01:20:53

So apparently he became like a sideshow at the prison. Oh, because he has one eye now.

01:20:58

He's got the one eye. I don't know if that eye came all the way out. The other one's beautiful.

01:21:03

It's so hot, gorgeous green. Yeah, and the other one's... With the black. What a great combination.

01:21:11

I didn't get it. And they go watch him pass salt all the time. It's disgusting. And they say that on some dark nights in the Grange Boardman's,

01:21:22

Tony Butter District. You can hear a strange straight noise coming up behind you. They don't

01:21:29

like it when I do the accent. I know. I like it a lot more. You're not insulting me, so I think it's

01:21:36

great. Okay, great. They really do say, and there's a place called Hidden Dublin that gives ghost tours,

01:21:44

and it's on the walk. It's the Northside Ghost Walk Tour that you can take, and they say that the

01:21:49

ghost of Billy and the Bull haunts the area where he's married. After party. After party.

01:21:54

Tonight. What is it? Hold on. We have to consult with Louise really quick. What is it? Louise, what's wrong?

01:22:00

I actually live in Stony Butter, so if you want to have an after party, that's great. Great.

01:22:03

Louise is after this. Louise is after. Balcony. Louise is after. Just don't wake up her flatmate.

01:22:11

She has to work tomorrow. He's in London. Great. The guy comes out in his underwear. You guys, come on.

01:22:20

Not every day's a bank holiday. And there's also, Billy and the Bull is referenced in a Dubliner

01:22:26

song and in a Pogue song. So he's legend and that's the story of Billy and the Bull.

01:22:30

Yeah. Hey! That was great. Yeah. Good job. We did it! Thank you. I think we have time for

01:22:48

Yeah, let's do a quick hometown murder. Yeah. Let me just tell you really quick.

01:22:54

You might know these rules already, but we had to enforce some rules with the hometowns.

01:22:58

You can't be so drunk that you can't follow your own story. It's important. You have to stay present.

01:23:03

You have to know where you're going. We don't. That's key. But don't be afraid to be super buzzed.

01:23:11

Please make it Dublin or close by. Nobody gives a shit if something happened in Arizona And what else Oh Oh everyone hates you Oh yeah If you do get picked all the people that don get picked are going to hate your gut so keep it moving

01:23:28

And Georgia, I think it's you, right? I'm on a fucking roll, so don't ruin this for me, guys.

01:23:34

Who has a hometown? Nobody? I think that the girl sitting next to our friends that helped us.

01:23:41

Yeah, yeah, and the toxic masculinity. Where'd Vince go? Vince is right there. Walk over to him.

01:23:45

Oh, there's Vince, everybody. Vince got us a lovely charcuterie and cheese spread backstage.

01:23:56

Vince is our tour manager. He's Georgia's husband. That's right. He does it all.

01:24:00

He does it, which means we don't have to pay him. No, we pay him sometimes. That's hard labor.

01:24:06

He's doing his hard labor for free. His hard, stark labor. What? His hard, stark labor.

01:24:11

Oh, right. That's so good. Hi. What's your name? Aoife. Aoife? Aoife. Aoife. Hi.

01:24:21

Oh, that's cute. Aoife. Here, center up, center up, center up. Look at her shoes.

01:24:27

Let's do a nice stage picture. Those are great. Will you tell me your name, sorry?

01:24:31

Aoife. Aoife? Yeah. Awesome. Aoife, everybody. Where are you from? I'm from Carrie.

01:24:39

You're from Carrie? Yeah. Carrie, she's from Carrie. You guys know it. Did she say it right?

01:24:45

I'm sorry, it's Karee. Jesus. Okay, what's your hometown? So my mom is from Westmeath,

01:24:54

and she's from this tiny village. There's not even as many people as there is here.

01:24:59

Oh, fun. It's called Kool. Kool. Too easy. Sorry. So a family from Dublin moved out there years ago,

01:25:10

and the father worked in England. so he'd be back and forth and then they just stopped seeing him.

01:25:19

And then they moved away and they hadn't really got involved with the community so it was fine, nobody cared.

01:25:27

But then the daughter went to the Garda. Multiple Garda. Got it. Message received.

01:25:37

And told them that they had killed him a few years back and buried him in their garden.

01:25:45

What? Gardee. Garden. Got it. Garden. Garden. And then they dug him up and burnt him somewhere else.

01:25:56

The family did? Yeah. What dicks? Okay. And then she decided to go to the Gardee

01:26:03

because she found out her mother was having an affair with her boyfriend. Her own boyfriend?

01:26:10

Okay, wait. Who's related? First of all, let's start with the top. No. Wait, so when they killed the father, was it the mother's idea?

01:26:22

Yes. The mother and the boyfriend. They tricked the kids. They tricked the daughter into the plan.

01:26:32

No, no. It's her cousin. Oh, no. Who is it? Sorry. She looks nice. She doesn't look mad.

01:26:44

You better come up here right now. I look so cute. She looks nice. I was like jumped down the road from my mom's house.

01:26:55

Maybe you're related. No way. Vince. Go around here. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

01:27:04

We got to hear this. What the hell's going on? Move it. This is unprecedented. She said she yelled it's my cousin.

01:27:19

And then I was like, oh shit. And then I saw her face and she doesn't look angry.

01:27:21

So we're good. It's going to be okay. She was. This is the great fear that we always have.

01:27:26

You were really fucked up over this PTSD. Okay. It's doing great. Hi. Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:27:40

Hi. What's your name? That's Effa. What is it? Hi. Nice to meet you. Okay. Do it in the microphones.

01:27:56

Okay. Okay. Okay. So your cousin. Don't talk privately on stage, please. We were going to email in

01:28:08

about our auntie. But we decided not to. But then Issa came on stage and told all about her auntie.

01:28:20

Okay, it's not an auntie that we talk to. Okay. Good. Oh, my God. You know the kind.

01:28:31

Oh, we got those. You know we know what she's done. Oh, my God. And we know she has a book.

01:28:38

A book. She wrote a book about it. You don't get to do that if you're the murderer.

01:28:43

So will you run it down for us just really quick? Yeah, we see, we don't. You don't talk about it?

01:28:49

No, no. Do you see the parents? You asked the parents and they're like, we don't talk about that.

01:28:55

They won tell you anything We can But there a book Just tell us We won tell anyone We not going to tell anyone right We keeping it here There was a bonfire Yeah

01:29:07

There was also a under patio. Yeah. And then they decided that wasn't good enough.

01:29:14

So they brought it up and went to the pigs. Oh, shit. But family don't associate with that.

01:29:25

No, it's okay. Eva just goes, I didn't get to the pig's part. I forgot. My mom didn't know the pig's part.

01:29:33

Oh, she didn't know. I'm so glad we accepted. This all stays in this room tonight.

01:29:38

Please, please, don't tell anyone. There was bits left in the pig. That's how they found out.

01:29:46

That's how they proved that. Yeah, but it was the mother who's the daughter's husband.

01:29:54

so the daughter went to the Gardee multiple and she said hey there's something shitty on her

01:30:04

good for her a woman's scorn man so she brought out a book and I said hey fuck you

01:30:12

it was like a diary I can't remember our family walked out of us and so she's in jail now

01:30:23

She's gone. She's enjoying it. She's out. And she's like, I'm right here. There's murder.

01:30:31

The wife was done for murder. The daughter's husband was done for manslaughter. I will find out the name of the book.

01:30:39

Okay, great. And I will come up. I'm not going to read it. I love it. You guys have an amazing

01:30:48

seven-part series right now that we have. Give him a round of applause. Thank you.

01:30:55

Great job. Sorry. Moral support. Moral arm. Good job. Thank you. Jesus Christ. Thank you.

01:31:11

Oh, my God. We'll call you guys later. That could have been a fucking clusterfuck.

01:31:19

And it wasn't. And I'm so grateful for that. I'm sweating a little extra. I love that they came up

01:31:25

and they had less information than Aoife did. Fuck yes. That's what it's all about.

01:31:31

It would have been cool if we'd get like 30 people on this day just milling around

01:31:34

of like, well, I've heard this story. I would like to say this and that. You forgot the part of the pig,

01:31:40

the chickens. You forgot the chickens. Oh, fuck. That was... Dublin. Yeah. This has been amazing.

01:31:47

So good. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you to our translators. Emily, you made it happen.

01:31:56

Front row. Thank you so much. This is a really, really awesome way to kick off our tour, our big Europe tour, our big UK and Ireland tour.

01:32:06

And Dublin, you guys not only are kickoff show, you sold out two nights. Yeah. That's so amazing.

01:32:14

Thank you. we can't um it's very difficult for us to convey how insane this is where we just started taping

01:32:24

our personal conversations at george's house two years ago and now we're in ireland talking to a

01:32:30

thousand people or i mean it's it's fucking amazing it's so honored and we know it's all because of

01:32:38

you guys obviously and we appreciate it so much and we're so grateful we have the best time and

01:32:43

And it's because you guys are, you're the best listeners and the best people to talk to about this crazy fucked up shit that we're all so fascinated by.

01:32:50

So thank you so much. Yeah. And stay sexy. And jump. Thank you. Cheap Caribbean Summer Savings Event is here.

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My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgi

123 - Live at Vicar Street in Dublin

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