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Terms and conditions apply. See Pandora.net for more details. Goodbye. My favorite murder
00:01:32
Hello! Hi! And welcome to My Favorite Murder, the mini-SOs. This is where we read your crazy, funny stories back to you.
00:01:48
This is the easy one. This is easy for us. God, we love this one. Ugh, let's get to it.
00:01:56
Damn it! You go first. Okay. Then I'll read the one that says... What just happened?
00:02:06
You had your pen out and circle shit? Yeah, I had it already. This happens every time.
00:02:09
Everything was ready. I have a problem with spatial organization. The subject line of this one is,
00:02:16
that time I accidentally did cocaine for the FBI. Hey, y'all. Love it already. Perfect.
00:02:22
All of it's perfect. It's an early Friday afternoon, and our chief, she's fucking in it.
00:02:28
She's like, look. She knows we don't want anything else. It's an early Friday afternoon
00:02:32
and our unit chief gets a call that a high priority piece of evidence is being flown down to us on the FBI jet.
00:02:39
Apparently a plane that landed at Boston's Logan Airport was subjected to a TSA dog search team for explosives
00:02:45
and one of the dogs sat when he walked by the plane's bathroom, meaning that he had sniffed out explosives.
00:02:51
Good boy, our girl. The handlers did some digging around and found white powder hidden in one of the compartments near the toilet.
00:02:59
They freaked out that the dog had found explosives, contacted the FBI for help, and got the case started.
00:03:05
Fade back to me. Fade back to me. Fade back. In Quantico, Virginia. Oh, this is an email from Clary Starling.
00:03:12
Fade back to me in Quantico, Virginia, the newest chemist in the Forensic Laboratory Explosives Unit.
00:03:17
Oh, my God. Loving it. Day one. I miss eager beaver wanting to fight crime and do my part to save the world
00:03:24
amen meanwhile all my seasoned in parentheses may be jaded co-workers look at their watches see that it's three o'clock on a Friday afternoon dump the assignment on the
00:03:34
girl and get in later days out of there I open the box and find a large block of packed white
00:03:41
powder right off the bat I think this is kind of strange because the field agent mentioned that
00:03:46
they thought it was an explosive called p-e-t-n those are all capital letters okay p-e-t-n pete
00:03:54
it's not pete and manning did you just make that up i made it up and i did it like that's what you
00:04:04
do but you do it like really fast and conversationally i'm impressed i just struggled
00:04:09
like a like a drowning man to find pete and man we're getting there we're getting somewhere
00:04:14
it's not common to find large blocks of petan per standard protocol i weigh the material and
00:04:20
record it in my evidence book 500 grams the first chemical test i do is called the burn test
00:04:26
you take a small amount of suspected suspected explosive in a little metal spoon and you hold
00:04:32
a lighter underneath and if the substance is an explosive or other accelerant that's also how you
00:04:38
smoke meth right um it will burn so if it's an explosive it or an accelerant it'll burn if it
00:04:46
doesn't burn it means it's not an accelerant or it's mixed with some kind of stabilizer when i
00:04:51
hold the lighter up to this stuff and it doesn't burn it kind of melts then it bubbles a little bit
00:04:56
you can probably see where i'm headed here slightly confused by that result i take a small
00:05:01
amount of powder over to one of our super fancy test machines called an atr for about a minute i'm
00:05:06
waiting while the computer does its magic, waiting. Then the results come back. 99.99% positive match for cocaine.
00:05:17
That's pure shit. Right? Yes, that's right. I had just free-based cocaine in a lab at the FBI.
00:05:24
Oh, my God. And now I'm all alone with half a kilo of cocaine. Oh, my God. On a Friday afternoon, newbie in the group, not knowing what to do.
00:05:32
luckily I managed to track down a chemist in the drug unit down the hall and fill him in on the
00:05:37
details he takes some of the powder and performs a chemical odor a chemical color test confirms that
00:05:43
it is indeed cocaine and locks it in the drug safe the icing on the cake is that uh while he
00:05:48
was doing the color test I noticed that my lips were feeling numb oh my god apparently a side
00:05:54
effect of freebasing cocaine the purest cocaine too yeah oh but I don know if that meant that was the purity or if it was the match shut up i get it but i i love your dream of totally pure
00:06:07
cocaine like straight out of the tree yeah yeah yeah from columbia that's my that's my thoughts
00:06:12
pulled fresh from the ground in columbia i called the agents in boston to fill them in on my results
00:06:17
and guess what their explosive sniffing dog was a newly trained after was newly trained after a
00:06:22
former career as you guessed it, a drug sniffing dog. Bad boy! Moral of the story, dogs may
00:06:29
be really fucking smart, but they definitely aren't specific. Anyway, the following Monday I had to fill out a statement
00:06:34
about what happened just in case I got sent for a random drug test. Oh my god! Needless to say, my co-workers
00:06:40
had a lot of fun at my expense for quite some time after that. Thanks so much for reading my story, Stay Sexy, Don't Get Murdered,
00:06:47
and Don't Freebase Unknown White Powders. Lydia. Oh, Lydia, that's fucking cool.
00:06:52
That's good shit. You're cool. That's that good, pure shit that she just sent us.
00:06:57
Yeah, she sent us that 99.9%. We just rubbed that shit on our gums. Thanks, Lydia.
00:07:04
Okay. This is called Great Great Grandma's Deathbed Confession. Yes. Hey, guys. I was recently having a text conversation with my mom when out of nowhere she texts,
00:07:14
you know your great great grandma confessed on her deathbed that she poisoned her hubby?
00:07:18
to which I replied what tell me everything her husband whose nickname was blackjack
00:07:25
was always spending all their money on his vices cheating on her and coming home at 2 a.m drunk
00:07:30
off his rocker he would demand that she get up and make him something to eat upon his return
00:07:35
every morning and being a dutiful wife of the 1940s she would get up and feed him afterwards
00:07:41
this is before del taco I know right which by the way Vince has already offered to bring me
00:07:45
home tonight. Oh, you've got to. Is he poisoning me, though? No. He's loving you. Okay.
00:07:51
Afterwards, he would pass out on the kitchen floor, and she would go back to bed. They also had two
00:07:55
young children. He was never around, and when he was, he was always drunk. So one morning, he came home around 3 a.m.,
00:08:01
smelling of woman's perfume and lipstick smears on his face, reeked of cigars and alcohol. Ooh, cigars.
00:08:07
Cigars. And it's been his entire paycheck that he received that afternoon. Oh, dude.
00:08:12
I know. Like, can you be a more typical fucking he once again demanded that she get up and cook him some food so she got up cooked him a meal
00:08:20
like he wanted and added a special ingredient called poison shit when he passed out on the
00:08:26
kitchen floor she just left him there the next morning she called the police ambulance and an
00:08:31
ambulance claiming she had found him dead in the kitchen since blackjack had a notoriously bad
00:08:35
reputation around town and forensics wasn't a thing yet they just assumed he died of his vices
00:08:39
My great great grandmother never remarried and being the devout Catholic she was spent her entire life praying for forgiveness, but never confessed until she lay dying at age 97.
00:08:51
Shit. I'm 42 years old. My mother just told me the story. I wonder what other juicy secrets my mother's keeping from from me.
00:08:58
My investigation is ongoing. SSDGM, Mandy. Yes, Mandy. Oh, my God. I love that like, well, it's also just we sit on this show telling horrible stories that we have the exact opposite feeling of.
00:09:15
And then you get one story that it's like, that was my great great grandmother. And you're like, yeah, fuck yeah.
00:09:19
Yeah. And it's like, OK. Yeah. We got it. I don't mind. Yeah. Got away with it. Yeah.
00:09:26
All right. Your turn. Ready? Mm hmm. You read the same one over. I'm like, I can't do papers anymore.
00:09:34
I don't know why. garbage this subject line is garbage men are first responders too oh yeah hey my mom grew up in the
00:09:43
bronx and was in the second grade during the mid-60s and like every other seven-year-old she
00:09:49
was walking home the few blocks to go home for lunch alone oh my god why was she walking alone
00:09:54
in the bronx why were the catholic school nuns allowing her to go home for lunch my mind is
00:09:59
blown at how trusting the world was is it trusting or stupid or just didn't give a single
00:10:05
shit about children yeah giving a shit about children we've said it before is very new yeah
00:10:10
it's from the 80s yeah and it's just because they figured out they could make money off of us
00:10:14
because of pac-man the reason this is probably oh the reason this is probably frowned upon today is
00:10:21
because of that bad shit uh uh the bad shit that happened when children were allowed to do these
00:10:26
things. Cue potential kidnapper. As my mom was walking, an older kid grabbed her by the arm and said,
00:10:32
you're coming with me. In retrospect, my mom thinks this kid was probably only about an 8th grade boy,
00:10:38
but at the time, he seemed like the most terrifying man on earth. As the boy begins to lead
00:10:44
her away, she's 7 years old, my mom is in shock, crying, resisting the boy. This next sentence is all caps.
00:10:53
Well, who should save the day other than the local garbage man out on his daily duties the man saw my mother in distress
00:11:01
and approached both her and the boy when asked what was wrong the boy quickly jumped in and said
00:11:06
that this was his little sister and she was just being difficult but the garbage man all caps again
00:11:11
but garbage man saw past his life yes garbage man seriously sanitation worker sanitation worker
00:11:18
this guy oh yeah this was back in the 60s so they were still called garbage men that's probably how
00:11:23
the mom told the story right seriously this guy was must have been a clever as fuck because his
00:11:28
response was i'd like each of you to whisper your last name into my ear right now which could seem
00:11:35
creepy but it's not because he's saving the day that's exactly right it can't go in every direction
00:11:40
at all times my brain does when the boy would only respond with it's the same as hers oh and
00:11:51
refused to give up the last name, the garbage man somehow convinced the boy it was in his best interest to leave my mother alone right away and he did the garbage man made sure my mom made it home safely uh was it really safer to trade an eighth grade boy out
00:12:07
for an unknown man not sure but in this case he is the hero so they did it too it's not just you
00:12:14
i love it my mom doesn't remember much other than being so scared she literally pissed her parents
00:12:19
and that her mother showed very little mercy and actually made her walk back to school after lunch.
00:12:27
Again, what the fuck is this world? However, her respect for garbage men remains to this day
00:12:34
and she has been sure to instill the same respect in me as well. You never know when your garbage man or, what did you say?
00:12:42
Sanitation worker. May become your first responder. You know, that's fucking true
00:12:47
because sanitation workers are out on the street early in the morning. Eyes and ears.
00:12:51
I bet it fucking happens all the time. I bet. Eyes and ears. Love the show. You guys make me look like an idiot as I laugh out loud
00:12:58
at how relatable you are while I'm driving my car. Stay sexy, don't get murdered, and be nice to your garbage man, Jackie.
00:13:04
Jackie, you made us laugh out loud. Yeah, that was awesome. Good job. Also, I love that.
00:13:10
Maybe that's the thing that people tell those stories and the stories that don't get heard is back then
00:13:16
because children were out wandering. Yes, there were pervs and bad things happened,
00:13:21
but also there were people who were paying attention. That's kind of nice to hear one of those stories.
00:13:26
All the people who didn't get murdered. Yeah, and didn't murder. A hundred percent.
00:13:31
This one's called, That Time and Escaped Murderer Got Loose in Our Town. Hello, both human and non-human acquaintances.
00:13:38
Have I got a story for you. When I was a sophomore in high school, we got put on lockdown.
00:13:44
It turns out that a convicted murderer broke out of a vehicle that was transporting him from prison to an airport nearby.
00:13:50
That's the movie The Fugitive. Oh, shit. The prisoner was Derek Capozzi, who was convicted in 2005 for assisting in the murder and then
00:13:59
chopping up Islan Silva in Massachusetts after the gang was worried she would cooperate with
00:14:09
authorities. I think this is like a hitman thing. Oh, yeah. Is that what you're thinking?
00:14:13
No. Good. I thought this was similar to one you read. Remember where the girl goes to court with her reporter boyfriend and then is bored?
00:14:24
And then that's the thing. But it's probably not the same. Somehow he unlocked the back of the van, got out of his shackles, hopped out, and hid.
00:14:32
Now, rural Kentucky is not equipped to handle the fuckery of an ex-mafia slash drug gang escapee.
00:14:38
We didn't go to school for a few days, but our entertainment was watching the news, reporting on new sightings.
00:14:43
I shit you not, this one guy saw him and thought he was just a really big muskrat.
00:14:48
Question mark, question mark, question mark. I can't find the clip, but it was incredible.
00:14:53
Someone please fucking tweet that to us. After three days, they hadn't caught him, so they assumed he was gone, and we returned to school.
00:15:01
When they did finally catch him, he was found at a dentist's office before they had opened.
00:15:06
It was literally across the street from my high school. Whoa! They checked the computer he was on in the office and his history consisted of Google Maps and porn.
00:15:15
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weathertech.com today. Goodbye. This last one is actually, if you all remember from, it isn't that
00:18:23
long ago i don't think but last week's ireland show okay the live show we posted would be last
00:18:28
week yeah um and i did uh the stony bat and strangler which is also known as billy and the
00:18:36
bowl right so we got an email subject line billy and the bowl from one bobby ahern who i talk a
00:18:43
ahern i was corrected on the pronunciation of that um but i talked about him because uh i learned
00:18:50
most of the story of Billy and the Bull and the Stoney Batten Strangler from this guy
00:18:54
who just tells stories. He tells local Dublin stories on a video series on YouTube and he's a charming
00:19:00
lovely man. So here's the email. Hi Karen in Georgia. This is Bobby Ahern from Dublin whose video
00:19:06
you cited in your discussion. I wish he had recorded this because I bet his fucking accent
00:19:10
is so good, right? It's the best. Well you can look him up on YouTube. But it's really like this.
00:19:16
It's really like that. It's Stony Batter. This is Bobby Ahern from Dublin, whose video you cited in your discussion of the Stony Batter Strangler.
00:19:28
I was very excited when I heard that you had been yapping about Billy. That is the perfect word for it.
00:19:34
And I really enjoyed finally getting to hear it yesterday. Oh, my God, he heard it.
00:19:38
I actually have a book that I wrote about Billy and a ton of other interesting characters from Dublin history.
00:19:45
Then he does a live link. But here, if you want to look up his book, I would recommend it.
00:19:49
he's a very interesting person to listen to talk to. So I bet reading his words would be good too.
00:19:55
It's HTTPS colon forward slash forward slash Bobby Ahern, which is B-O-B-B-Y-A-H-E-R-N-E.com forward slash my dash book.
00:20:07
Okay. The majority of them are not murders. And then in parentheses, all caps, sorry.
00:20:12
Sorry. But I'd love to get a couple copies to you. Yes. As a thank you for the mention.
00:20:18
And if you think you'd be into that, hit me with an address and I'll send them on over.
00:20:23
Smiley face. Cheers, Bobby. Oh, Bobby. I love that. I love when people we mention on the podcast don't get mad at us.
00:20:30
I know. And also, I, and we've talked about this before. I always forget it's going to be released to the public.
00:20:37
And then all those people, like I've had friends who go, ever since you mentioned me on the podcast,
00:20:42
like people keep talking about it. Like Paul Dankey, when I was like, Paul Dankey is going to come to the Halloween show.
00:20:47
and then he texted me that I'm like I'm sorry I have no memory of what you're talking about
00:20:52
and then he had to tell me what we didn't know this was going to be a thing we still don't know
00:20:56
it's a thing we're still trying to get it wrapped our brains wrapped around for we think we're just
00:21:02
talking to our friends because we are that's right turns out there's a lot of you yeah I think it's
00:21:07
best to not really take it in I agree I'll just but I am going to stop saying lascivious things
00:21:12
about professional investigators I see on television. That's never happening again.
00:21:16
I will fucking assure you. I think that it was a positive outcome, though. Oh, good point.
00:21:22
Though. Yeah, positive but embarrassing outcome. Well, listen, you're fucking sacrificing yourself
00:21:27
for the good of the holes. Look, I give it all. I give it all for the holes. Thanks for listening.
00:21:33
Send your stories to my favorite murder at Gmail. I think it's a good idea if you have garbage man stories.
00:21:38
Oh, garbage. I'm sorry. Sanitation worker stories. if you're a sanitation worker and you found
00:21:42
I want to know the crazy shit you found as a sanitation worker. Yeah, we've asked for this once before,
00:21:47
haven't we? Well, I didn't, my needs weren't met. So clearly I need you to, clearly
00:21:53
there's no sanitation workers listening to this because they have fucking hard jobs.
00:21:57
And when they get done, they don't want to listen to stupid women, what was it, yapping?
00:22:01
Yapping. But I would argue, and if you know a sanitation worker that you can make this argument to,
00:22:07
what better to go along with the grinding noise of your dump truck crushing garbage in the back,
00:22:15
then it's a couple of gals with vocal fry yapping. A hundred percent. They might like it.
00:22:20
That's exactly right. Goodbye. Thanks for listening. Oh, thanks for listening. Stay sexy.
00:22:25
Don't get murdered. Goodbye. Now we say goodbye. Elvis, want a cookie? Wow. Good boy.
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Goodbye.