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00:01:56
Welcome. To the mini-sode. Of my favorite murder. The mini-sode. The podcast mini-sode.
00:02:02
This is the mini-sode. That's mini Karen Kilgara. And that's tiny Georgia Hartstark over there.
00:02:07
Hi, I'm the little baby. And the little pocket-sized Stephen A. Ray Morris. Stephen A. Ray Morris.
00:02:13
Stephen A. Stephen Marie. Stephen. Ray. Marie, you sit down and engineer this show.
00:02:19
Oh, guys, I was real late today to get to this recording. I'm very sorry. I mean, I got shit done, man.
00:02:27
Yeah, you did. Like eating a fun size, quote, snicker bar. Was it fun? It was the most fun I've ever had in my life.
00:02:34
Was it hilarious? It was hilarious. Hey, you want to go first? Yep. Oh, this is the thing where we read shit to you.
00:02:39
You know. The subject line of this is scuba funeral. Lighthearted? Great. I thought we'd start off lighthearted.
00:02:45
Let's do it. Okay. Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and Pets. My family has a long history of having small things go wrong during funerals.
00:02:52
my mom's funeral procession got lost heading to the cemetery half of my grandpa's ashes ended up
00:02:58
in my uncle's mouth when they were spread that happens a lot no that's very common yes oh my god
00:03:03
people standing on a rocky cliff and the wind kicks up and everyone the big lebowski right
00:03:08
and it's uh one guy's really big and he's got those uh yellow glasses on Things we can look back on and laugh about now.
00:03:20
But my aunt's boyfriend, Art, really set the bar for fucked up funerals. Art was ill for some time, so we had time to plan his funeral.
00:03:27
He was an avid scuba diver and arranged a funeral at sea, even selecting a company in Florida who could provide the services.
00:03:35
When he passed, my aunt followed his directions to a T. He didn't think his through.
00:03:40
She didn't know better. And I don't know what the fuck the chaos-based mortuary was thinking.
00:03:44
chaos. Kansas society. So my aunt and two of our buddies fly his casket to Florida.
00:03:55
Must have been Kansas. Fly his casket to Florida. And the funeral at sea company took it from there.
00:04:03
Phrase funeral at sea is in quotes. They boarded a boat, had a small ceremony and launched the casket into the ocean.
00:04:10
Parentheses. They probably lowered it solemnly, but I like to picture There's some sort of catapult mechanism.
00:04:15
Only problem was Art's casket bobbed along in the water and wouldn't sink. I feel like I am not an engineer.
00:04:22
I have never made a casket in my life. I feel like I could have guessed that. Yes.
00:04:26
Right? Yeah. It's just going to sit there on the top of the water if it's made of wood.
00:04:30
Yeah. Okay. So asterisk at the end of sink and then asterisk underneath with this.
00:04:36
I did some research on this. Caskets are prepared for a funeral at sea by having holes drilled in them and weights are added inside.
00:04:42
to help the casket sink. Not happening here. Oh, shit. A diver got in the water and tried to get the casket to take on water.
00:04:51
My aunt said he ended up climbing on top of the casket, trying to push it underwater.
00:04:55
Oh, my God. I like to think he was jumping up and down in his slippers and wetsuit.
00:05:00
It turns out Art had requested to be buried in a wetsuit as a final nod to his scuba hobby.
00:05:06
So instead of processing the body normally and potentially releasing chemicals into the ocean,
00:05:11
The funeral home just shoved his lifeless body into a scuba suit and tucked him into a casket where he expanded like a neoprene balloon.
00:05:20
And that's why the casket wouldn't sink. What? He was, oh. Yes. So in the end, the boat captain sold his anchor to my aunt.
00:05:29
No shit. They wrapped that sucker around the casket and Art finally sunk. Looking forward to seeing you in Kansas City in March.
00:05:37
Stay sexy and just be cremated, Emily. Holy shit. that's incredible rest in peace are I loved you know what you tried to go for a concept lots of
00:05:47
us do it yeah we can't know luckily he was already dead yeah he's probably laughing his ass off in
00:05:52
heaven sure you can control everything no and who cares that it for everyone else not for you it for everyone else we glad you like scuba diving Let us just cry in like the safety of a nice mortuary and go home
00:06:05
How about, you know, we'll get a fish tank with one of the little scuba guys opening the
00:06:09
treasure chests in your honor. How about symbolism and metaphor? Exactly. Art. And how about that's
00:06:14
not the last thought that person fucking has of you. Okay. This is called My Grandma. Nope. We
00:06:21
You were just yelling at a dead man, by the way. Oh, good. Okay. I think Art would have appreciated it.
00:06:25
Okay. Yeah, I do too. He was kind of quirky. Yeah. He was a nut. Yeah. My grandpa hijacked his spaghetti recipe from a murderer.
00:06:32
Karen, Georgia. Wait. Georgia, Karen, Stephen. Jesus, I can't read. Hi. Georgia, Karen, Stephen, Jesus.
00:06:39
Yay. Hi. I grew up in a small Wisconsin town whose claim to fame is two maximum security state prisons.
00:06:45
Wow. These prisons have employed a shit ton of local people, including members of my own family.
00:06:50
one of my sweet grandfathers worked in the prison kitchen until his retirement he's known in our
00:06:54
family for his love of horse figurines and his amazing spaghetti that sounds like two comedy
00:07:01
suggestions that you could make what does your grandpa love an improv show or figurines we'll
00:07:07
use both let's go this is great um i always suspected hit this quote secret family recipe
00:07:13
originated within the walls of the prison since it makes roughly 20 gallons of sauce at a time
00:07:18
Jesus. I imagine that perhaps he got it from an old Italian ex-mobster. Sure. If only.
00:07:25
This past Christmas, I learned that this recipe actually came from the horrific piece of shit Halloween killer who murdered sweet baby angel nine-year-old Lisa Ann French in 1973.
00:07:35
You know this one? This is one of the worst cases the state saw and essentially changed trick-or-treating laws in the area for the next 40 plus years.
00:07:44
Lisa's badass mom is still working to keep this fuck face behind bars since he's due for release this year.
00:07:50
It won't happen. No. The entire story is terrible enough, but now even the thought of eating that spaghetti makes me want to hurl.
00:07:57
And that shit is delicious. Smiley face. No, no, no. Frowny face. Frowny face. Frowny face.
00:08:02
Stay sexy and know that some secret family recipes are meant to be kept secret. All my love.
00:08:07
S. Oh, S. S. I like that story. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, that's like that old thing of like, make sure if you're gonna like go to the carnival, don't eat something you love. Because if you if a ride makes you throw up, you'll never want to eat that thing. Right? It's the same when food is ruined. Yeah. Much like when bands are ruined. Yeah, they're ruined forever. Yeah, they conjure up emotions and feelings and vomit. You can, I can't listen to Elvis Costello without hearing my theater major musical theater roommate singing along with Elvis Costello in a musical theater voice.
00:08:40
not to be funny. She meant it. Oh, God. I love you. Okay, subject line. Canadian folk dancing murder plot.
00:08:47
Perfect. Dear Karen, Georgia, and all furry beings, Stephen and his mustache included.
00:08:51
Oh. That's cute. Oh. I'm from a city that's at the southernmost tip of Canada, right across the river from Detroit.
00:09:01
When I was younger, my parents enrolled my brother and I in folk dancing as an attempt to keep our Eastern European culture alive.
00:09:07
Go for it. Right? that through dancing, we met our core group of friends. And as we got older, our troop started
00:09:14
traveling across North America for performances and festivals. Sexy. While other groups took their
00:09:19
dancing seriously, we were just in it for the fun. We had three dances that we recycled for years.
00:09:25
I mean, who's gonna be like, I've seen that one before. This old bullshit. We know we were more
00:09:30
focused on hosting the after parties in our hotel room at the age of 15. Yes. That's what it's all
00:09:36
about. That's right. That's why you dance. That's why you travel. That's the passion of the dance
00:09:40
is beer in the hotel room afterwards. It was so bad that our coach would have to bribe us by saying,
00:09:45
okay, if you don't get drunk before your performance, I'll buy you guys alcohol afterwards
00:09:50
to celebrate. That's what you said to me, basically. When you were like, don't drink before shows,
00:09:55
I'll buy you drinks after. Just please. Let's save them all up. It'll be more special. Fine. I'll
00:10:00
Oh, wait. Thank you. Riley, you buy it. Let me tell you something. Let's say something.
00:10:06
Okay. That's hilarious. In our group was a guy named Petar. P-E-T-A-R. Okay. And he was sort of the outcast because he smelled a little funny, always had clammy hands,
00:10:15
and basically looked like his family enjoyed liver and onions for dinner multiple times a week.
00:10:20
Oh, dear. What? He had beautiful skin and a luxurious coat? Is that what you think?
00:10:25
I'm not sure. I don't know what I think. As we hit college age, the group stopped dancing.
00:10:31
I think that's good. Yeah, it's a good time to quit. But maintained our close friendship, all except Pitar.
00:10:37
Pitar. We would see him from time to time, but no one really kept up with him until dot, dot, dot.
00:10:43
One day, we saw his name in the news and that he had been arrested for trying to kidnap and murder two sisters from our church.
00:10:51
What? Pitar sang in our church choir. He was also the altar boy for, like, ever.
00:10:56
the girl's father was the choir director and they would practice at his home ptar used to memorize
00:11:03
that used this time to memorize the girl's house and find out their schedule like when they would
00:11:09
be home alone or when the house would be empty then he went on the internet maybe the dark web
00:11:14
and found a forum of other would-be murderers and asked them for fucking advice on how he could go
00:11:20
about kidnapping and murdering these two sisters little did he know he was chatting with an
00:11:25
undercover cop. Of course she was. Ding dong. I feel like all of the dark web is just undercover cops. Yeah. It's a bunch
00:11:31
of pervy undercover cops who are like, I love this part of the job. Totally. Luckily,
00:11:35
thankfully, sorry, he was arrested before he could do anything. In his room, they found multiple shrines to the oldest
00:11:41
sister, rope, knives, and other murderers paraphernalia. Petar was sent to prison and his sisters
00:11:47
and the sisters were shipped off to Europe by their parents and no one has heard from them since. What? I remember
00:11:53
always telling myself to be nice to him in case he lost his shit and attacked us all Guess my 15 murdering was right SSDGM Mish Wow Yeah That a good one
00:12:05
That is how you hometown. That's right. This one is called BTK, Sisters, Lighthearted.
00:12:12
Oh, Jesus. Hi, everyone. When my little sister and I were growing up, we spent the summers with our dad in Wichita.
00:12:18
In the summer of 2004, the city was in a panic because BTK had suddenly reappeared.
00:12:22
I remember there were lots of theories being thrown around at the time, like that he'd been in jail for some other crime, and that's why he'd been quiet for so long.
00:12:29
One theory claimed that he targeted houses with multiples of three in the address, which freaked me and my sister the fuck out because we lived in a house with lots of threes, sixes, and nines.
00:12:41
Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Number 369. 3-3-6-9-6-9. Nine. Street. One night, when it was way past our bedtime, we were hanging out in my sister's room and somehow convinced ourselves that BTK was going to come in our house, so we had to arm ourselves.
00:12:56
There were a bunch of old boxes in the room because we didn't live there most of the year.
00:12:59
So we started digging around for a weapon and eventually found an old can of mace.
00:13:05
Uh-oh. While my sister was examining the mace to see if it still worked. Guess where this is going.
00:13:10
Guess. Guess. She sprayed herself in the mace. She accidentally sprayed herself in the face.
00:13:16
like your own grizzly bear holy shit oh girl oh that's awful we both started freaking out but
00:13:23
we're too scared to wake anybody up because we weren't supposed to be up so late i definitely
00:13:27
weren't supposed to be playing around with weapons and weren't supposed to be spraying
00:13:30
yourselves in the face you were not this is not a cartoon no we tried to flush her eyes out with
00:13:35
water as quietly as we could she was in a lot of pain and i was secretly terrified that she was
00:13:40
going to go blind thankfully that mace must have been very old because my sister was fine in the
00:13:45
morning and we didn't have to tell our dad what we'd been up to the night before they got away
00:13:49
with that they just fucking went with i mean the sister the mace face i gotta give her props i mean
00:13:55
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger girl that's right like i would have run screaming into
00:13:59
my parents room save me i'm dying help me help me yeah and she was like you're my sister i fucking
00:14:03
trust you we're powering through this i'll go to bed hope i see you in the morning literally
00:14:07
what if now she has a vision like a like a fly where she can see in eight different directions
00:14:13
I love it. The BTK is his fault. My sister is the one who got me hooked on your podcast.
00:14:18
And the fact that we can share it together and compare our favorite murders with each other is one of the reasons why I love it so much.
00:14:25
SSDGM. Hope. Oh, hope. Oh, hope. Jesus. I mean, truly. Just kind of laying in bed that night with like your eyes swollen shut.
00:14:34
Hoping. Okay. It's okay. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to do it. We won't get in trouble.
00:14:40
And then what if the BTK had broken in at that moment? And then he looks at me, he's like, oh, this is really screwed up.
00:14:46
Forget it. This is terrible. You guys got your own shit. I don't want a bunch of baggage.
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00:17:08
That's K-N-I-X.com. Code FLOW15. The subject line of this is, My fabulous aunt Eleanor sent John List to jail.
00:17:17
What? Yeah. Hey, my favorites. And then a smiley face with a semicolon and a line and a paragraph closer.
00:17:25
Don't know what those are supposed to. Parentheses. Close parentheses. Okay. It's just the, um, it's the winky smiley face with a weird nose that looks like Bert from Sesame Street.
00:17:34
I don't like that one. Okay. I just want colon, close parentheses. Standard smiley face.
00:17:40
I don't need a nose. No. We're on the computer. No. There's no time. Like, the nose doesn't, it doesn't convey any message.
00:17:48
No, except for it reminds me a little bit of Bert from Sesame Street. Sure. Which is, this is not the time or place to talk about that.
00:17:55
It looks like a dick Oh got it Children are listening Children Oh is this the children hour Yeah Hey my favorites Let pretend there nothing after that
00:18:05
I was on the phone with my dad today telling him about the Conan, the secret murderino episode.
00:18:09
When I got to the part about Conan sitting in the John List trial, my dad cuts in with,
00:18:14
you know, your aunt Eleanor prosecuted John List. And then silence line, silence line.
00:18:21
Oh, my God. Wait, what? Just like you said, my Aunt Eleanor is a bit of a legend in my East Coast Irish family,
00:18:26
but not for what you'd think. She'd arrive to business casual Christmas at my grandma's in her fur full coat.
00:18:32
Business casual Christmas. Fur full coat, jet black hair, freshly dyed. She'd glance up at you with piercing blue eyes.
00:18:40
Yes, darling. But then quickly get back to her book. Everything was fabulous. She'd bring her rum soaked strawberry dessert that was upsetting to some and exciting to
00:18:51
others in a house full of children and alcoholics. It was everything you wanted to eat. And just when
00:18:56
you thought she wasn't paying attention, she'd cut in with a hard North Jersey accent and say
00:19:01
something hilarious. She was extremely intimidating. She was totally delightful. She was a fucking
00:19:05
badass. My aunt Eleanor worked as a real estate agent, a writer, and in the mid 70s, she co-founded
00:19:11
an anti-domestic violence nonprofit. She didn't go to law school until later in life. But as with
00:19:17
all things aunt eleanor she really went for it when she did wow i was seven years old in 1990 and
00:19:22
now i know that while i enjoyed her during christmas earlier earlier that year she led
00:19:27
the prosecution that resulted in john list receiving five consecutive life sentences
00:19:32
she called him quote a hideous angel of death weighing the options right up until the night
00:19:38
before killing his family end quote i never saw my aunt eleanor angry but i can only imagine her
00:19:44
delivery of these words in the courtroom to be righteous and chilling. She retired in 2005 and did a lot of traveling with my own wonderful uncle.
00:19:52
She was a grandma to two really cute kids. She read everything. Now I'm typing this to you.
00:19:57
And I guess I don't know what I would rather have seen a young Conan O'Brien watching my aunt Eleanor from the back of the courtroom or John list
00:20:05
shitting his pants while my aunt Eleanor convinced the jury in her words that quote,
00:20:10
justice should not be denied because of the delay and quote. I'd go with both. And strawberry dessert.
00:20:17
Stay sexy and send murderers to jail. See. Uh, uh, how do I follow that up? It's so good.
00:20:25
We'll never do it with my mini-sode again. All mini-sodes are canceled because of Aunt Eleanor.
00:20:30
Aunt Eleanor. Badass. Holy shit. So awesome. All right, well, I'll end on a lighthearted.
00:20:36
Do it. I worked for a sex cult man. Mm. Lighthearted. Mm. And listen, okay, a dude named Stephen wrote this in.
00:20:44
Stephen Bay Morris? Stephen Ray Marie Morris instead of Marie Ray Morris. And listen, I didn't pick it because of how he did the introduction, but it helped.
00:20:56
Oh, I love you, Georgia. I love you so much. Hi, Mimi. Can you deal with that? And then cut to Mimi with her tiny mouth going like,
00:21:09
I'm fine. Why do you want to know? Get off my leg. That's the best one so far. Mimi who beat on the bed three times while we were out of fucking town doing live shows this past weekend.
00:21:20
Mimi who will not have any of it ever. Yes. Say hi to her first and only. Only. Hi, Mimi.
00:21:25
Hi, Mimi. I used to do tree work for a small family-run arboric... Arboric... Arboric...
00:21:32
Arboriculture company in Texas. They have to be fancy about it. If you're not hip to tree work...
00:21:38
And I'm not. Whenever you see a bunch of dudes wearing high visibility shirts tied to the top of a tree and totally wailing on that tree with chainsaws, those are tree workers.
00:21:47
They are all hungover. No, yes. It was okay work, but I had to quit because I hate the winter and kept almost cutting parts of my hands off.
00:21:59
My boss was a gregarious middle-aged man with a few quirks like how he was always drinking but rarely drunk.
00:22:05
I think that one's just called having a sweet-ass time. Yeah. He claimed to be friends with the guys in Bauhaus.
00:22:11
Oh. He wouldn't let his wife have a career. Uh-oh. So he was very German. Yeah. He spelled his name backwards for no reason.
00:22:20
Don't get that. His name was Bob. No. And he kept encouraging the guys on the crew to take showers back at the shop after work.
00:22:30
Okay. Here we are. Here we go. Like he was like he brought up taking showers all the time.
00:22:36
the warehouse wasn't even supposed to have showers in it but my boss personally built them
00:22:41
he liked showers so much no i asked my foreman about the showers thing and he told me that under
00:22:47
no circumstances should i ever take a shower at the warehouse because my boss was in a sex cult
00:22:53
i did a little snooping and the sex cult my boss was in was called zendik farm it was started by
00:23:00
Errol and Wolf, both fucking German names, right? Yeah. Zendik in the 60s as a hippified
00:23:06
cultural revolution that mostly just sold bumper stickers at farmers markets and played psychedelic jam music.
00:23:12
Their version of free love was to enforce a round robin style roster of sex partners so that by the end of the season
00:23:18
everyone was fucking everyone. I don't know why. No, I see it. I see the thinking. Yeah, yeah.
00:23:26
And then fuck that person. Yeah, fuck them. Do it. Just fuck. The compound my boss had lived in was in Bastroop, Texas, kind of by Austin.
00:23:35
It was supposed to have disbanded in 2013, but I went to a Labor Day party at my boss's
00:23:39
house and all the sex cult guys were totally there and they were totally still on board
00:23:44
with the whole sex cult thing. My boss got a few sodas in him and he started loudly insisting that everyone come out to
00:23:50
the backyard and take a bath in a custom hot tub he had built. My wife and I went home, but one of my coworkers took him up on it.
00:23:58
He said it was nice, but not a very. tub. Don't make a hot tub. Because it sounds like it was probably a bathtub.
00:24:04
Yeah. I work at a record store now. Store? I work at a record store. No. And sometimes
00:24:11
people send us old Zendak Farm orchestra records. They're actually pretty fucking groovy. Stay sexy and
00:24:19
don't take a bath with your boss. Steven in Texas. Steven! In Texas! I loved anything but learning
00:24:28
about the inner lives of an arborist. sex call arborist. Why couldn't I pronounce
00:24:32
I mean, why am I asking that? It's not really in our nomenclature. Oh! Hi Mimi. Hi Mimi.
00:24:44
Fox, send us your shit to my favorite murder at Gmail. Great batch, everybody. Great work.
00:24:49
Thank you so much. These are the best. The best. You write them and we read them. It's the best.
00:24:55
It's the best. The best. Thank you so much. Thanks. Stay sexy. And don't get murdered.
00:25:00
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00:26:40
Domino's. Price is higher for some locations. Excludes XL and specialty pizzas. Select this offer from $6.15 to $7.26.
00:26:47
Online only. Size availability varies by crust type. Max 7 toppings. 6 for pan and New York style crust.
00:26:52
Minimum purchase required for delivery. Prices participation delivery area and charges may vary.