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Default terms at mintmobile.com. Hello. Welcome to the mini-sode of my favorite order.
00:02:26
That's what this is. You heard it here first. We tell you what it is. You don't decide.
00:02:33
No, I mean, you clicked on it, so you kind of already know. Yeah, you know. We already gave you a hint about it, but then we really like to declare.
00:02:40
That's right. There's some people who go in, they open up their podcast app, they touch the purple square,
00:02:45
they get in there, they just start touching stuff, and then whatever comes up, they listen to.
00:02:50
Okay. Is that you? Welcome. This is the mini-sode. That's the only person we're talking to right now is your Aunt Brenda.
00:02:58
Brenda. Aunt Brenda. Hi. Hi. This is the podcast. It's shorter than the other one, and we read listeners' emails that they send to us about
00:03:08
hometown murders, about ghostly wanderings. Just fucked up stories. Just anything fucked up.
00:03:15
You know. Join us. Why don't you go first today? Are you ready for me to go first?
00:03:20
Well, let's change things up. Let's have it be different and have me go first. The subject line of this is banana hammock muscle man.
00:03:28
Great. Right? Love it. Karen, Georgia and fur friends. No, I'm not getting away with that.
00:03:34
When I was 19, I moved out of my parents' house and moved in with two of my older brothers.
00:03:38
One afternoon, while I was moving my stuff to my brother's house, my new next door neighbor decided it was time to introduce himself.
00:03:45
Barefoot, he walked out of his backyard only wearing a banana hammock and tanning oil.
00:03:50
No. He was in his 60s. No. And would tan in his backyard almost daily. He would frequently try to hug me.
00:03:57
Oh! Would invite me over to drink at his house alone and would invite me on bike rides.
00:04:02
Often, he would knock for several minutes on my door when my brothers weren't home,
00:04:08
trying to get me to quote-unquote hang out. Anywho, it always made me feel uncomfortable and I would generally try to avoid him altogether.
00:04:15
fast forward several months my brother discovered an app that can show you criminals in your neighborhood
00:04:23
so of course he was checking our area out zoomed in on our house and lo and behold a red dot appeared
00:04:30
above the house of Mr. Oily oh my god all caps mother fucker is a god damn pedophile
00:04:37
holy shit of course served time in prison for molesting a child under the age of 12
00:04:43
and the police report also noted that he was very violent. Oh my God. Needless to say, my brothers and I quickly started avoiding him at all costs.
00:04:51
Yeah. He still invited me over to drink alone with him when he'd see me outside.
00:04:56
Holy fucking shit. 19 years old. Why is he out of prison? Yeah. Why that guy's house on fire?
00:05:02
I ended up, we don't condone arson of any kind on this show. We don't condone pedophilia either.
00:05:08
No. You know, so. Yeah, right. They're not even comparable, really. you don't have to pick one or the other
00:05:13
thank god this is not the kind of podcast Brenda where you would have to choose a team
00:05:17
this is not choose your own adventure that's when she's like you know what I don't like these
00:05:21
podcasts because you know you have to pick between fire and pedophilia I ended up moving out
00:05:27
and never had to see him again he eventually went back to prison for being a creepy prick and his vastly younger
00:05:33
wife left him it scares me to think about what would have happened if I had been less
00:05:37
wary or decided hey free booze sweet thankfully I have a dad who always taught me to fuck politeness and never trust anyone stay sexy and never trust a man in a banana hammock.
00:05:48
Xena. How does a man like that get a wife? Oh, that is crazy. Cause you always like this might creep next door and like but they harmless Yeah No no Straight up pedophile The most harmful Like the worst case scenario right next door in dressed like a German on summer vacation
00:06:06
What was the person's name? Zina. I mean, my mind is reeling. It is. Well, and such a good point.
00:06:12
And because I've done this a million times, but somehow got away with it is somebody, an
00:06:17
older person offering you liquor when you're a young, beautiful person. Right. Please be just cautious.
00:06:23
Yeah. Just be aware that that isn't normal. No, you don't even have to be beautiful.
00:06:27
You know, you can be just a person. You should be there. It could be the beauty of accessibility.
00:06:32
Truly. That makes you so appealing. You don't think you're beautiful. We think you're beautiful.
00:06:36
You're hot as fuck. And youth is fucking gorgeous to older creeps. You should see your skin.
00:06:41
Oh my God. How do you get your skin like that? You have no idea. Brenda, tell your niece how beautiful she is.
00:06:47
Tell Haley right now. That's two Y's and four E's. Tell her how pretty she is. Oh my God. Okay. This is okay. This is called Honolulu VIP. So that's someone we met in the
00:07:00
VIP line. Who's like, I have a hometown and we're like, email it to us. That's right.
00:07:04
We want every dirty detail. That's right. Well, so, okay. This is a two-parter. I'm just going
00:07:09
to read this first part. So it's the medical examiner. Oh yes. The chick is like, this is,
00:07:14
we're medical examiners. This is my husband. We want to tell you everything. Well, she tells us
00:07:18
how a dead body smells. Cause remember I asked about it. I sure do. Which I'm going to save for
00:07:23
the full episode. Okay, she also tells this. Okay. Hi, guys. My husband and I are huge murderinos.
00:07:28
We are so excited to meet you at the Honolulu show. We got super nervous to meet you. And we're
00:07:32
just overwhelmed with how warm and sweet you both are in person. Oh, they didn't seem overwhelmed at
00:07:36
all. They were great. They didn't seem to like us that much. Okay, I would have like more stammering
00:07:42
and stuttering. Tell me how warm I am. Okay, so my husband JP was a Cook County medical examiner
00:07:48
in Chicago for the past four years. And he just started a new medical examiner job in Honolulu.
00:07:52
I'm going to cut down to he has he's done over 1500 cases in Chicago and has so many stories.
00:07:58
My personal favorites include a person who tried to burn a loose thread off his sweater with a lighter.
00:08:05
Oh, how awful is that? Was it a very dry sweater? I must have been. It was just made of hay.
00:08:13
Did they? It said obviously didn't end well. Yeah, I was going to say punk rockers are like, oh, no, I have a thread.
00:08:19
And then they light the thread. shit don't ever do that again yeah you end up at the at the county medical examiner's office
00:08:25
that's right shit someone who had okay someone who had i'm not laughing at this person someone
00:08:31
who had his dominatrix pour boiling hot cream corn on his genitals you're not i'm not sex
00:08:37
shaming i am not kink shaming however i'm i'm cream corn laughing sorry i'm i let's just go
00:08:44
if it was like medium temperature cream corn, fine. Don't pour boiling hot anything on you.
00:08:51
Boiling hot. And also, no, I'm sorry. No kink shaming. And yet, if you're going to be this,
00:08:58
if you're going to go out of your way to not just be have a kink, but then have it kind of be
00:09:03
the most upsetting thing that might happen to you at camp, then we get to laugh. We get to laugh.
00:09:09
It's also makes me wonder, like, how bad was that guy's Thanksgiving as a kid? That cream corn is like what he wants to hurt him.
00:09:16
Cream corn in the lap. Oh, God. That was a definitive moment in his sexual development.
00:09:21
That's right. Someone, Aunt fucking Betty, knocked a bowl of cream corn into his lap.
00:09:25
Are you saying that because of Brenda's feelings? No. Well, I don't think she would do such a thing.
00:09:30
No, she never would. She'd be like, that's enough. Yeah. Okay, another one. A self-medicating yogi whose homemade medication included high levels of lead, arsenic, and mercury.
00:09:41
No. Don't self-medicate. And the time my husband went to the scene where they lifted a dead, bloated body out of Lake Michigan,
00:09:48
right as a City of Chicago skyline boat tour full of tourists happened to float by.
00:09:53
No. And then she says, a true Chicago tour, if you ask me. Another interesting one was a New Year's Eve car crash with few twists.
00:10:01
Two people were driving, swerved off the road, hit a pole, and the car caught on fire.
00:10:05
At first, you'd think it's a typical drunk driving New Year's Eve crash, but they did the autopsy and they found a bullet in the driver's head.
00:10:11
Oh, my God. Then you think someone shot him or he caught a stray bullet while driving because Chicago, she says.
00:10:17
But the bullet had tissue that had grown on it. It's an old bullet. An investigative record showed he had been shot in the head in a bar fight years ago and survived.
00:10:27
So he wasn't shot while driving, but he had been suffering seizures from a fucking bullet still being lodged in his head.
00:10:32
So maybe he had a seizure while driving. And in that case, it might be possible to call the matter of death a homicide.
00:10:38
Unfortunately, JP doesn't remember what he called it. Anyway, and then thanks again for coming to Honolulu for a show.
00:10:44
A huge shout out to all the Aloha Arenos. Aloha Arenos. Who have been such a warm and welcoming group of lovely people.
00:10:51
Yes. You'll be listening in case you have any other questions for a medical examiner, SSDGM, Jenna and JP.
00:10:56
Oh. So good. Thanks, you guys. Thanks. Good job, guys. They said they were going to do it, and they really did it.
00:11:01
Yeah, stay tuned for how the fucking body smells. The idea that people, yeah, I can't wait.
00:11:06
I'm so glad that that is not connected to the cream corn story. that's just i would just want to give up some gratitudes for my attitudes um okay i was going
00:11:17
to say something else and i can't remember now because i'm looking at the subject line
00:11:20
mild-mannered meth oh hi georgia karen and fur friends my name is every one of those
00:11:28
are you doing it on purpose yeah um my name is sierra and i'm an 18 year old listener
00:11:35
Hi. Hi. I live in the beating heart of America, as my dad says, a.k.a. Leawood, Kansas.
00:11:41
Oh, sure. That's what we call it here in L.A. too. Yep. The beating heart. My neighborhood is pretty boring and is filled with nothing but hermits and old gay people.
00:11:50
Usually the most. That sounds like my fucking kind of neighborhood. That's your party.
00:11:54
Get in I want to go to the fucking block party That block party is there a lot of space to move Nobody goes to it And there a lot of flowing clothing and great music and good wine
00:12:05
Usually the most exciting thing that happens is someone trims their shrubs in a square shape instead of round.
00:12:11
Amazing. However, about a year ago, we were all shaken up. At the end of my street, there's a house where this middle aged, mild mannered couple lived with their son.
00:12:19
They fit in with the hermits of the neighborhood. So in all the 18 years I've lived, I saw them maybe six or seven times.
00:12:27
The house has always had a different car in the driveway and an inordinate amount of basketballs in the front yard that were never played with.
00:12:34
Weird. Okay. One night, about 10 police cars came racing in and haphazardly pulling into the front yard of this house seemingly out of nowhere.
00:12:44
Everyone in the neighborhood shuffled out in their slippers and rollers to see what was going on to see that this house was getting full on raided.
00:12:51
Policemen were pouring into the house and eventually pulled out the people and their son all in handcuffs.
00:12:57
They started pulling everything out of the house and dumping it on the front lawn.
00:13:01
Furniture, pots and pans, clothing, many, many trash bags. The trash bags were filled with meth, in all caps.
00:13:08
They probably pulled out about a dozen trash bags. Holy shit. These people were probably dealing enough meth for the entire Midwest, which is a lot.
00:13:17
The couple were detained and the kid was taken presumably to child services. Oh my God.
00:13:22
However, after a few days, it was figured out that, all caps, the kid was running the meth lab.
00:13:29
His parents were his factory employees and he sold two kids at his school. I have no idea if this part of the story is actually true, but I find it tantalizing and hilarious.
00:13:39
Oh my God. Or they are giving us neighborhood gossip, basically, but it's uncorroborated.
00:13:46
unsubstantiated which means it's the truest truth of all and it's the fun one it's the best idea
00:13:52
because now i'm picturing that that child is 12 he's a 12 year old entrepreneur he's an
00:13:57
entrepreneuring kid he's one of those only children that's real adult yeah it's like a
00:14:02
joseph gordon levitt style like why are you this mature you're a 35 year old 12 year old
00:14:08
um dee do do there's another fun part of the story that isn't necessarily related but is
00:14:15
important to me that you know. At this time of the raid, my parents were trying to get rid of our
00:14:21
massive 80s era television that went about three feet back and had a 19 inch screen, aka the height
00:14:27
of luxury. The Best Buy wouldn't take it, the local thrift store wouldn't take it, and the trash
00:14:32
services wouldn't take it. We didn't know what to do with it until after the raid. My mother came up
00:14:37
with the idea of dumping it in front of the house, in the front yard of the meth house, with all the
00:14:43
other meth-y furniture. However, the reason all those places wouldn't take it is because it weighed
00:14:48
approximately 3,000 pounds, so we couldn't move it inconspicuously. So at the stroke of midnight
00:14:55
that night, our parents loaded us kids into the trunk of our 97 Suburban, and we dragged the TV
00:15:01
down the street from the trunk and dumped it into the meth yard. I love your parents so much. The
00:15:10
Next day, we got to watch the lovely show of several policemen hacking our TV apart to search for meth and then struggle to take it away.
00:15:18
Oh, my God. Stay sexy and always have the police do the work that Best Buy won't.
00:15:22
Sierra. Sierra, I hate to tell you this, but your parents were high as fuck when they came out with that plan.
00:15:27
Not on meth. They just fucking smoked a little dupe. And they're like, kids, get in the trunk of the car.
00:15:33
We have a great idea. I remember when those TVs came out and they were the height of luxury.
00:15:38
It's the furniture one, right? Yes. It's like you have furniture and your TV is a furniture.
00:15:42
Yeah. Your TV matches your other furniture. And it was the three big lights that reflected up onto the screen.
00:15:48
Oh, yeah. It wasn't good to watch anything on. But it looked expensive. It was amazing.
00:15:54
The heavier, the fancier. So great. And it was like a cube, practically. Let's get one for the office.
00:16:01
Okay. This is called Not So Eggcellent Egg. Oh, yeah. A hometown. Hello, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and furry friends.
00:16:10
I grew up in the country. There was a family who lived just a bit down the road from us with kids the same age as
00:16:15
my siblings and cousins. We hung out a lot in the summer. The mom of that family would come up to our house along with the kids, and we would play
00:16:22
slip and slide while the moms talked. Normal stuff. So there was this guy and a girl in their 20s who lived down the street and around the
00:16:29
corner. Their property backed up to the property of the family down the street with the mom.
00:16:33
This plays in later. This guy and girl. Put that away for now. Yeah, yeah. Keep that in your mind.
00:16:39
This guy and this girl were relatives, either cousins or aunt and nephew, although very close in age.
00:16:44
When I was about 12, we found out there had been a murder at the house with the guy and the girl.
00:16:49
The guy had been shot by the girl. Apparently, they had an ongoing domestic issues of some sort and fought often.
00:16:56
The story was that the guy had bent over to take a plate of eggs out of the oven.
00:17:01
And when he turned around, he was shot and killed because apparently the girl thought he was going to throw the plate of eggs at her.
00:17:05
question mark question mark question mark there clearly was more backstory that i don't know
00:17:10
after the guy was killed the mom of the family down the street who previously at least to me
00:17:15
was a normal mom suffered a psychotic break from which she never recovered oh no it turns out that
00:17:21
unbeknownst to basically everyone she had been having an affair with the guy had been shot and
00:17:25
killed oh no and also a relative somehow no the relatives were living together the relative
00:17:32
guy and girl shot each other. It's kind of confusing. This is just a secret affair.
00:17:35
Right. Got it. Which like, this is what I live, this is the hometown I live for.
00:17:39
Yes. That you look back on your life as a child and like, that was really weird and everything
00:17:43
wasn't normal. And there's an explanation now. Right. Yes. And it all makes sense. Yes. All of
00:17:49
this was just totally mind blowing to all of us kids, which means the parents told the kids. Yes.
00:17:54
Stay sexy and don cook your eggs in the oven because it could get dangerous Amy either the parents told the kids or one wily child stayed up and eavesdropped on purpose
00:18:05
which is totally what would happen in our house. I love it. Yeah. That's so good.
00:18:09
So good. It's just simple, but it's like, yes, this is what happens. And yeah, small town affairs.
00:18:16
It's like, I don't, it's, I feel like people don't understand the impact, like how crazy things could go.
00:18:23
Because you know that the eggs thing, it wasn't about eggs. No. It was about the fact that her husband was straight up cheating on her with the lady down the street.
00:18:31
No, wait. That's not what happened. Or her cousin. No, that's a different. It wasn't emotional.
00:18:36
They were just like brother and sister. They were like brother and sister. But how do we know there wasn't flowers in the attic element?
00:18:42
Oh my God, totally. That's right. I'm adding way more banana hammock pervert stuff.
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00:19:18
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00:20:07
The subject line of this is the only time you want a ghost in your house. Okay. Hello. I grew
00:20:13
up in Plymouth, Massachusetts. Yes, yes. The infamous Plymouth Rock Mayflower genocides.
00:20:19
Yeah. Anyways, I grew up in three different houses and our second house was the only one
00:20:24
our uncle who was a priest did not bless. We grew up Irish Catholic. Holla, Karen. Weird
00:20:31
shit happened in that house all the time. My mom, who's a little more spiritual than
00:20:35
my other family members, and I always attributed it to the previous owner's eldest son who
00:20:40
had recently passed away from a drunk driving accident when my brother went away to college in
00:20:45
2010 i took over his room which had been where the late owner's son had slept because he had a
00:20:51
comfier bed and tv set i had a shitty flip phone that did nothing but text and take photos one
00:20:57
morning i woke up to find several photos of me sleeping on my phone's camera there were they were
00:21:04
at odd angles that proved i could not have taken the photographs oh my god my family is wicked
00:21:09
awesome and so honest and we all swore on grandma's grave that none of us took the photos
00:21:14
we all sort of laughed it off and forgot about it probably because it freaked us out so much
00:21:19
yeah uh well several months later my sister who was eight years old at the time had a sleepover
00:21:25
and the girls stayed in my brother's bedroom so they could both fit in one bed and all caps they
00:21:31
both woke up to videos and photos on my sister's ipod of you guessed it both little girls sleeping
00:21:38
I am going to barf right now. I have all the chills. I don't even believe in ghosts.
00:21:43
This is the best story I've ever heard in my life. Isn't it good? To this day, we have all caps, no idea who did this.
00:21:50
We all shiver to think that maybe there was a creepy pervert sneaking into our home without
00:21:55
our knowledge, videotaping us and leaving the evidence. We just tell ourselves it was, quote unquote, the ghost to feel better.
00:22:03
Stay sexy and don't blame the ghost when you find footage of yourself sleeping. call the fucking cops shannon someone's living in the walls someone's doing something but what if
00:22:13
it was a ghost but what if it was a phone ghost a phone photo ghost phone home um but also it's
00:22:21
like a ghost that's like here's you yeah like what are you doing you're like okay i look cute
00:22:26
when i sleep i guess there's a story and i i think it's on either criminal or lore it's about
00:22:33
a couple who stay in a bed and breakfast? Yes. Remember that one? And they take photos through the wall.
00:22:38
Yes. Yeah. Someone takes photos of them that they got on. It was like camera film.
00:22:42
So it wasn't digital. Yes. And they don't know who did it or why. And like no one ever.
00:22:47
Is it criminal? I think so. Did our friend Phoebe, I'm Phoebe Judge and this is criminal do it?
00:22:51
Maybe. Maybe it's something else. I think it is too. Okay. This is called sharing a hospital room with a murderer.
00:22:58
Oh. I shouldn't have told you that. Got it. Karen, Georgia, Stephen and furry friends,
00:23:03
big and small. It doesn't help. One time my mom was in the hospital having surgery to have some
00:23:09
breast cancer removed. She's totally fine and cancer free, by the way. Good. And shared a room
00:23:13
with this older, probably about 85 year old woman with end stage lung cancer. The woman was on her
00:23:19
last leg of life. And I always felt so bad that no one was there to visit her and that anyone rarely
00:23:22
called. However, one day her phone rang endlessly off the hook. And when I realized she wasn't able
00:23:27
to answer, I went to the side of the room and answered for her. I picked up the phone saying
00:23:32
so-and-so's phone, how may I help you? And there was a man on the other side of the phone
00:23:37
stating that he was her parole officer and needed to speak with her immediately.
00:23:41
I handed the phone to her while I reeled over the possibility of what this woman had done to warrant a parole officer
00:23:47
at 88 years old. I later Googled her and it turned out that she was the, quote, other woman in a relationship.
00:23:53
And when the husband of the married couple refused to leave his wife for her, she buried the husband
00:23:58
and his wife alive in their own at the age of 31. What? How do you even? What? Yeah.
00:24:06
So she's 88 now. And at 31 years old, she did that. That's the worst crime I think I've ever heard of.
00:24:13
It's awful. That's okay. She had only been released. Stop laughing so hard, Stephen, at this.
00:24:21
It's beyond. Like, my mind is blown out. Yes. She had only been released from prison after being diagnosed with end-stage cancer
00:24:29
and was required to do weekly check-ins with her parole officer. It seems so crazy to me that someone who was now so frail
00:24:35
and appeared so kind had once committed such a heinous act. Stay sexy and always request a private room in the hospital
00:24:40
because you never know who's on the other side of the curtain, Tara. First of all, you can request a private room anymore
00:24:47
with this health care system. Listen, let's get Obamacare. Medicare for all. That is...
00:24:56
I want to know everything. There's so little details. How do we even? You, to bury two people alive.
00:25:04
Like you have, she's the baseline sociopath. Yeah, but it's like the woman, like, okay, I get you're mad at the dude who won't leave her.
00:25:11
Whatever. You shoot him. We get it. This poor fucking wife who's like, my husband's fucking you and you're going to kill me?
00:25:18
I get it from every direction. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting fucked. Son of a bitch. From all angles.
00:25:22
Well, you're getting fucked by the husband. It awful I mean I can Even the one like the story that you did with the guy with the crazy face and the beard that buried the heiress but he gave them directions
00:25:37
Yes. He kept her alive. He kept her alive, and she ended up living through it. But, like, that in and of itself, that by itself is the worst thing I've ever heard.
00:25:48
Just that she had to go through that. Those people were buried alive and died. Yeah.
00:25:52
That's. I'm sorry I did not mean to upset you so much no no I just I can't these are usually so lighthearted and fun
00:25:58
even though it's about murder Jesus Christ I know do you have a happy one that you want to read
00:26:03
should we end on a happier note you want me to tell you about how bodies smell is that I can do it now
00:26:10
should we bust into the cream corn let's get some cream corn let's pour some cream corn on this issue
00:26:15
I can't I just want to know now I need to know everything about that story I have a positive one
00:26:21
we can and then we'll look it up great okay i'm just gonna not redo this thing hey everyone my
00:26:26
mother picked me up from kindergarten and we were cruising home i grew up in a super rural area the
00:26:30
roads are all back roads going through cornfields and grass fields full of cattle i was looking out
00:26:35
the window and saw a body lying in a grassy field oh shit it's fine uh it's lighthearted uh what if
00:26:41
i just told you the worst story oh i thought you wanted me to erase the other the memory and they
00:26:46
lit the house on fire and um it was in the middle of nowhere and this wasn't a landscape lawn or
00:26:50
anything So there was no reason for a body to be there I yelled there a dead man back there My mom told me to hush because she didn really believe me because I was a little shit I had to convince her to turn around and she wasn having any of it But eventually she did just to shut me up My mom pulled over and went to investigate
00:27:05
I had to stay in the car. There were no houses or anything around. And it was 1995 and the first body we had ever found.
00:27:11
Oh, my God. Okay. So there were no options for my mother other than to grab a stick and poke it.
00:27:16
She poked and I watched from the car. After a couple pokes, the body jerked away.
00:27:21
My mom screamed. I guess the man said, what the hell are you doing? And my mom said, what the hell are you doing?
00:27:26
And he said he was napping. My mom asked why he was napping in the middle of the field and I told him, I thought you
00:27:31
were dead. And he said, I ain't dead. I'm just retired. Oh, I mean, the man was just sprawled out in the field on the raw ground in the middle
00:27:39
of nowhere. I was a kid. I just assumed he was drunk. But now that I'm an employed adult counting down the years until retirement, I fully understand
00:27:46
him. For sure. That's all. Thanks for the podcast. Y'all keep at the grind until you can retire and relax like a dead man in a field.
00:27:53
Bye. Shit. Yes. Jess that was a really good one thank you for that Jess we needed that
00:27:58
yeah really that's hilarious that it's was it his field I wonder who knows did he ride like a bike or something they couldn't see
00:28:06
did he like circle around like a dog until he got his comfortables like how do you pick
00:28:10
that spot yeah did he get a patch going like was the grass top yeah now I want to see a picture
00:28:15
this is better than wanting to know the other story no I'm back to wanting to know about the other story
00:28:19
send us your emails my favorite murder at gmail we fucking love your stories Yeah these are always amazing Thank you so much And stay sexy And don get murdered Goodbye Elvis you want a cookie Running a business shouldn feel like surviving a software group project
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