00:00:00
This is exactly right. Isn't some far off concept? It's already here. Next starts now.
00:00:33
Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA. Goodbye. If audiobooks are your thing, or if you've been meaning to listen to more of them,
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you should check out a podcast called Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club, hosted by Cal Penn.
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Each episode spotlights standout audiobooks on Audible across all kinds of genres.
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Sci-fi, comedy, romance, thrillers, and more. With Cal talking to guests who help break down what makes each story worth listening to.
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It's a fun, easy way to discover your next great audiobook. Check out Earsay on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
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That's MFM15 for 15% off at hillhousehome.com. Goodbye. Goodbye. That's my hair.
00:01:55
Great. Doing the thing. Hello. And welcome. To my favorite murder. The mini soap.
00:02:03
It's mini and cute. It's one of those little Japanese things. Yes. It's adorable.
00:02:09
It's like a little bento box, but the tip of your finger. Okay, you go first. What is anyone talking about?
00:02:18
Okay, this is great because it's an update from last week. Okay, cool. The subject line is, the greeting card masturbator might also be terrorizing librarians.
00:02:28
Oh, no. Hi, all. As if they don't deal with enough shit. Yeah, really. Come on. Stop peeing in the plant.
00:02:35
I just listened to the mini-sode that featured the greeting card masturbator. Hate him.
00:02:40
Oh, someone on Twitter. Can I just take one? Yes. So sorry. Ken Steven, you know how you do that thing.
00:02:49
The search? Yes. Okay. Let's start it over. Okay, the subject line of this is, the greeting card masturbator might also be terrorizing librarians.
00:02:58
Librarians. They deal with enough shit already. Please, leave librarians alone. Unless you have a specific question about the Dewey Decimal System.
00:03:07
Okay, Stephen. Maybe you need my face. Oh my god. I like it. Stephen hands me his phone, his phone locks, and it's, uh, what was that?
00:03:16
Unimorphs. It's dinosaurs and children. Okay. Okay. Someone named, I guess I'll just say her full name, Sarah Clark, tweeted at us saying,
00:03:26
just listen to the latest My Favorite Myrna Minnesota. I'm also from Youngstown and 100, 100, 100.
00:03:31
The Greeting Card Masturbator definitely took place in a Hallmark store, which was our theory from last time.
00:03:37
But Sarah confirmed it for us. So thank you, Sarah. Great job. So going from there, this writer writes, I just listened to the Minnesota that featured the Greeting Card Masturbator.
00:03:47
and instead of being horrified, I was like, wait, this sounds familiar. I don't know.
00:03:51
No. I'm a public librarian, and at my previous job, a man called our reference desk
00:03:56
and said that he wanted to get a book for his wife, who loves Fifty Shades of Grey,
00:04:00
and asked if I could give him a list of similar titles. Sure, I said in my nicest, most helpful librarian voice,
00:04:07
even though I think Fifty Shades of Grey is total garbage. Yeah. It is. I did my librarian thing and found a few similar books and read him the titles.
00:04:15
He thanked me and then asked if I could read the summaries to him so he could decide if his wife would like them.
00:04:20
As I was reading the synopsis of the first book, his breathing got heavier and heavier.
00:04:25
I hesitated, asked if he was okay, and he said, yes, keep going. In a very strained voice.
00:04:32
Oh, God. And then separate line from that paragraph. The man was masturbating. I basically yelled, nope, sorry, I have to go, into the phone and hung up immediately.
00:04:42
I'm part of I thought she was In front of him The whole time No no on the phone Okay
00:04:47
Which is even creepier So creepy So I'm part of a librarian group On Facebook And someone posted
00:04:53
A similar story A few years ago Apparently this guy Calls libraries All over the country
00:04:59
Come on And does this to librarians Public service announcement Librarians are super helpful
00:05:04
And have seen some shit But please don't involve us In your kinks Without our permission
00:05:08
Stay sexy And be wary of any adult Who wants you to read To them Dana Such good advice, Dana.
00:05:14
So smart. Oh, God. That's horrible. Why? Why? Stop it. Go to therapy. Yeah. And jerk off there.
00:05:22
This one starts, hello to Mimi and Elvis only. It's my favorite. I love it. Please don't leave Dottie out.
00:05:31
Not a murder, but this is the time my mom thought I was being kidnapped. Let's get into it.
00:05:37
It's early summer 2004, late afternoon. I'm three years old. Okay. Wow. I know. You're old enough to drink now, probably.
00:05:45
My sister is in kindergarten and my mom has to pick her up at the bus stop down the street.
00:05:49
We lived in a secluded suburb in Canada. Everyone knew everyone. It was small but the houses were big as were the properties The bus stop was only about five doors down and I was upstairs napping butt naked because our house was old and didn have any form of air conditioning I understand that
00:06:05
Do it. Go for it. What time? What better time to nap naked than when you're three?
00:06:09
That's right. My mom figured it wouldn't be a big deal if she went to pick my sister up and
00:06:13
leave me at home alone since she would be gone for less than 15 minutes. A three year old.
00:06:19
Naked three year old. Of course, if I hadn't woken up, we wouldn't have the story.
00:06:23
I got up, looked around the house for my mom And when I couldn't find her, I started walking down the street
00:06:28
Still naked Didn't make it very far before a car pulled over And a man got out and wrapped this huge bomber jacket around me
00:06:35
This is when my mom spotted me from down the street Along with the group of parents who were also picking up their kids
00:06:40
Three of them started sprinting down the street As my mother screamed at the top of her lungs
00:06:44
Back the fuck off my daughter And Nara, don't you fucking dare get into his car probably looked like he had broken into the house and taken her out right oh that's right yeah like
00:06:56
meanwhile he's just a concerned citizen driving down he's like oh not only that did i mention i
00:07:02
was uh did i mention he was leading me to his car no well it turns out he was an rcmp officer
00:07:08
which is canadian police and was more than mildly concerned when he was on his way to visit his
00:07:13
mother when he saw a tiny butt waddling down the street it's a poor guy and now he's getting
00:07:18
screamed. Now he's the bad guy. Now he's a pervert. My mom was still super suspicious and obviously wasn't going to just take
00:07:24
his word for this and demanded proof. Then his mom came walking down the street after hearing
00:07:28
my mom screaming. Everything was fine in the end, but did this teach my mother to toddler proof our doors so I wouldn't
00:07:34
escape again? Of course not. No, no way. I'm sure you guys hear it all the time, but thank you so much for filling my cold
00:07:40
lonely apartment with laughter and stories of murder and the look my therapist gave me
00:07:44
when I told her I listened to a comedy murder podcast before bed. Yeah. Stay sexy and don't
00:07:48
leave your naked toddler home alone, Nara. I mean, how long ago was that? 2003! That was a little long ago!
00:07:56
There's no excuse for this one. Come on! Oh, that's so funny. So, I won't read the subject line.
00:08:02
Okay, so, I left my... There's no greeting. God bless it. I left my Northern California town
00:08:08
of 1,000 or less to get the hell out of there and live in the city at 18. I worked as a hostess
00:08:14
with three other Chelseas, all born in 1986 at a restaurant on the ground level of a high rise in downtown LA.
00:08:21
Yeah. Good for you, girl. Yeah, you did it. One night, one of the Chelsea's didn't show up for her shift.
00:08:26
One of the Chelsea's, one of the Chelsea's. The story goes, this is unbelievable.
00:08:31
Chelsea had a fashion internship in addition to hostessing and classes at FIDM. And then in parentheses,
00:08:38
the hustle is real. Yeah. So real. And her boss required her to pet sit his golden retriever while he was away for the week.
00:08:45
which is completely exploiting people. You can't do that. Don't do it. But she probably liked staying there
00:08:51
because it was nicer than her apartment that she was sharing with six other Chelsea's.
00:08:55
There were so many Chelsea's in that apartment all in bunk beds. When she arrived to his house on the very
00:09:02
first day, she found the retriever dead in the living room. She called the boss man who really didn't seem
00:09:08
surprised that his old dog had died and instructed her to get the dog's body down to their vet for cremation.
00:09:14
No. Just handle it. Fearing for her coveted internship and carless in Los Angeles, Chelsea hefted the large dead dog into a rolling suitcase and wheeled him to the bus stop.
00:09:26
Oh, my God. She's just trying to get this job done so that she keeps her internship.
00:09:30
Sure. Unfair in every way. When the bus arrived, she couldn't get the weight of the suitcase up the steps.
00:09:38
And a man that was boarding offered to help her. He remarked on how heavy the suitcase was and asked her what she had in there.
00:09:44
She came up with some bullshit on the spot. Oh, you know, I don't have a car and I'm moving.
00:09:48
A few stops later, the man stood up and punched her in the stomach, knocking the air out of her and snagged a suitcase and quickly disappeared up the alley.
00:09:56
What the fuck? Yep, that asshole stole a dead dog. Oh my god. As far as I know, she never told her boss.
00:10:08
And to this day, I wish I could have seen the look on that dude's face. Stay sexy and be careful of overly friendly guys.
00:10:14
On buses in Culver City. No name. That is the craziest story I've ever fucking heard.
00:10:20
It's fucking insane and horrible. Horrible. It's like she is put in this position and she's trying to solve a problem with no tools.
00:10:29
She's doing the very best she can. So far, so good. I'm like actually impressed how far she got.
00:10:35
She was solving it. It was on the way to being solved. Some dude punches her in the stomach.
00:10:39
A dude robbed her. Robbed her. What a dick. and then he got his. This is a parallel to a story I know I've told minimum five times
00:10:49
about how me and Andy Whittington used to wrap up cow shit in gift boxes and leave them in the middle of the road and also put it in purses.
00:10:56
No, you haven't told that fucking story. I haven't? I don't think so. That's disgusting.
00:11:00
We lived way out in the country, had nothing to do, and a car would go by like once every two hours.
00:11:04
So we got this idea one day. We took our moms. It started with old purses and then we started gift wrapping,
00:11:10
making it look like birthday presents. because cars would drive. So we fill up an old purse of our mom's they didn't want anymore with cow shit
00:11:18
and put it in the middle of the road. And picturing you as a teenager. Tell me that's not right.
00:11:22
No, no, I'm like 10. Oh, great. Okay, that's better. I'm 10. I think Andy's 12. We're just trying to kill time.
00:11:27
Sure. We've seen this Scooby-Doo that's on 50 times already, the one where Jerry Reed comes.
00:11:32
It's like there's nothing for us indoors. So would people stop and take the box?
00:11:36
Yes. And we would climb up a tree and then watch. Oh, my God. Because they would drive for a while with the purse or the gift and then open it as they were driving.
00:11:47
And sometimes people like swerved. People sometimes slammed on their brakes and drove back.
00:11:51
And they're like, get the fuck out here. What are you doing? Because they knew they got pranked.
00:11:55
It was really Karen It really made the time go by Well baby Karen playing with fire We didn give a shit You gave a lot of shits away Oh my God
00:12:05
We gave them away as gifts. OK, this one this one's sad, but we do ask for hometowns like regular hometowns.
00:12:11
It's what the show is supposed to be. Right. So this is one of them. OK, let's go. We'll go back to one of those.
00:12:15
This is what we get. Classic. It just starts. Hi, my mom has always hinted about a traumatic murder that had connections to her in my hometown.
00:12:23
But tonight, we both decided to try Long Island iced teas for the first time. And then it sounds delicious.
00:12:29
So good. So delicious. And holy wow, it's worse than she'd ever let on. My mom was a mail carrier in the 1990s and had a little four-year-old girl on her route
00:12:38
named Jessica Phelps. There's not a ton of information available in the case, so this is mainly from what my
00:12:43
mom told me when I finally got her intoxicated enough to talk about it, which is like two
00:12:47
sips of Long Island iced tea. Yeah, really, it doesn't take much. No. Jessica would spend a lot of time playing unsupervised in her front yard in a not so great neighborhood.
00:12:54
I was two at the time and also named Jessica, so my mom took to her pretty quickly.
00:12:59
My mom would visit the local thrift store and buy clothes, toys, and books for Jessica,
00:13:03
and would spend her 30-minute lunch break each day with her. Jessica would wait for her with a set of lawn chairs in the yard and a book in hand for them to read together each day.
00:13:12
That's heartbreaking. I know. This went on for a while, and my mom remembers wishing she could adopt this little girl and give her a better home.
00:13:18
Eventually, my mom was transferred from this route, and a few weeks later, July of 1997,
00:13:23
heard that little Jessica had gone missing from her front yard while playing unsupervised.
00:13:27
There were no credible leads, and my mom was absolutely crushed wondering what had happened.
00:13:32
My mom was also an avid runner and remembers taking a route each day from her childhood home about 15 miles away from where Jessica lived.
00:13:39
Almost a year later, in March of 1998, a child's body was found in a ditch on my mom's running route just a few miles away from her home.
00:13:47
My mom remembers the news breaking in her tiny town and kept telling herself that the unidentified body of a four year old couldn't have been the little girl that she'd grown so close to.
00:13:56
But the body was identified two days later as Jessica Phelps. The case is still unsolved and without DNA evidence will likely remain that way unless someone comes forward with more information.
00:14:06
I've been pestering my mom about this case since I was a little baby murderino, but only ever got, quote, a body was found near our town once until tonight.
00:14:14
I looked up some photos of Jessica to show my mom and she started crying as she finished the story.
00:14:19
Stay sexy and always be prepared to be uncannily close to your hometown murder story, Jessica.
00:14:25
I mean, that's so true. It's like not even six degrees of separation a lot of the time for people.
00:14:32
And something like that is like that. It's so preventable and so shitty. And, you know, I feel like everyone has those fucking stories.
00:14:41
Yeah. And there's also new new techniques to get DNA. There's like touch DNA now.
00:14:45
There's other ways to find like mitochondrial DNA and all these like really other, you know, interesting scientific things happening.
00:14:52
So maybe they will. Hopefully they will. And also hopefully they'll figure out a way.
00:14:56
I think the, you know, the social services in most states are so overwhelmed and kids need better protection and kids that come from bad homes.
00:15:09
There need to be more like resources for them. I don't know what I'm talking about.
00:15:15
But I mean, my sister, I've just heard things from my sister. She being a grammar school teacher.
00:15:20
And it's just really rough. It's just like, it's so unfair. It's there should be we should be spending money to help people like this that have kids and then can't support them.
00:15:30
And it's the. While the world watches the stars at the FIFA World Cup this summer, Hyundai has its eyes on the next generation of talent,
00:15:39
the future soccer stars who are already turning heads at age 14. Making plays that end up on everyone's feed, scoring from angles that don't make sense, rewriting record books that barely had time to gather dust.
00:15:50
Because Next doesn't wait for an invitation, and Hyundai doesn't either. Hyundai has always moved the future within reach.
00:15:56
Hyundai did it by making advanced safety standard on every vehicle. Hyundai did it by engineering EVs with ultra-fast charging capability.
00:16:03
And Hyundai continues doing it every day. From robotics that change how people live to young athletes changing the game, the future isn't some far-off concept.
00:16:12
It's already here. Next starts now. Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA. Goodbye.
00:16:17
If you're always on the lookout for a great audiobook or just want help figuring out what to listen to next, there's a podcast you should know about.
00:16:24
It's called Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club, hosted by Cal Penn. Each episode takes a closer look at some of the most talked about new audiobooks on Audible, spanning a wide range of genres from sci-fi and literary fiction to rom-coms, thrillers and comedy.
00:16:38
Cal is joined by guests who dig into what these stories are about, what makes them stand out as audiobooks and why they're connecting with listeners right now.
00:16:45
If you're looking for your next listen, this is a great place to start. Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
00:16:55
Goodbye. Pandora jewelry brings the sparkle to summer, now with even better prices.
00:17:00
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Terms and conditions apply. See Pandora.net for more details. Goodbye. It's not a murder, but a spooky ghost story is the subject line.
00:17:22
Perfect. Hello, Karen, Georgia, Stephen and furry beings. So my father passed away on December 31st, 1998. And my mother's birthday is in March. So the year before he had forgotten her birthday. And after he passed away, she made a joke to herself about how she bets he was going to forget her birthday.
00:17:39
again. Now let's rewind back to 1995. When my mom and dad first got married, dad lost his wedding
00:17:45
ring, swearing black and blue that it was when he was hanging up the washing. So mom spent hours
00:17:50
after work with a torch also known as a flashlight in America searching under the washing line for this damn ring She never found it So they replaced it Back to 1999 about a month before my mom birthday after dad had passed she had this
00:18:05
unwavering urge to weed the garden. Now my mother just barely mowed the grass. She hates gardening, and I've never as a teenager or an adult seen her weed the garden.
00:18:14
So she goes out to do it, and the first weed she pulled up had my father's original wedding
00:18:19
ring entangled in the roots. Oh. I have more creepy ghost dad stories. Hit a girl up if you want to hear them.
00:18:27
What? You want to hear them. You hit us up. What are we supposed to fucking call you at home?
00:18:34
Hey, what's Karen of Georgia? Hey, did you like that? Stay sexy, don't get murdered, Melissa.
00:18:40
I love that story. That's sweet. It's crazy. It's crazy. It has weird urges to do something, and then it turns out.
00:18:49
It's for a reason. For a ghost reason. Well, and also just that idea that it somehow sunk under and then was there.
00:18:56
I mean. Isn't there one that like it was around a carrot? So like it had gone underground and it had grown around a carrot.
00:19:02
Stephen, will you look that up? I bet. I bet you can find it. Are you thinking of the carrots that pull up out of the ground and they're like hugging each other?
00:19:08
No. Have you ever seen those? There's a shit ton of those. Okay. But I think I did see the ring one.
00:19:14
Okay. Well, then forget it. Okay. This one I love. Forget that I'm agreeing with you.
00:19:21
Did you find it? I found it. Let's see. Oh. A woman finds long lost diamond ring on carrot in garden.
00:19:27
Look at the photo. Yeah. It's like thrown into the carrot. Yes. The carrot looks like it gained weight around the ring.
00:19:34
Yeah. Yeah. Like a lap band. It's so good. Okay. This one starts. Hey, homies. It's 4 a.m.
00:19:41
And my infant won't sleep. So I guess it's a good time to write this. I don't know why it never occurred to me to write this before.
00:19:47
It's so bizarre. Anyways, it's 2010 and I'm sitting on the couch with my mom watching the TV show.
00:19:52
I almost got away with it. Oh. You know that one, right? Yeah, yeah. I love that one.
00:19:56
And we're watching this guy who was a career criminal. He was in jail for murder.
00:20:00
He'd escaped prison twice. He fled to Mexico and Canada on separate occasions. Just all around an asshole, honestly.
00:20:07
My mom's talking out loud and she says something along the lines of, I wonder what happened in this guy's life to make him so mean.
00:20:13
Bless it. She no shit sat down and wrote him a letter asking exactly that. What made you so mean?
00:20:18
Oh, no. And thus began the now nine-year-long relationship between my mother and her now fiancé.
00:20:26
Oh. The title is My Mom Met Her Fiance. I went on. I almost got away with it. Oh, my God.
00:20:33
He's still in jail. He's a born-again Christian who has, quote, turned his life around.
00:20:37
He claims self-defense. Anyways, they live on opposite sides of America, so she applies to seeing him when she has the money.
00:20:43
Other than that, they email and FaceTime regularly. He's very talented with crafting.
00:20:48
I've gotten a lot of beautiful pieces from him because I'm the only one of my mom's four kids who's ever acknowledged his existence.
00:20:54
It must be tough. Not that I blame my siblings. I'm just a murderino through and through.
00:20:58
My husband and I actually took a road trip and met him in person. I know you're wondering, so I'll just say it.
00:21:03
He's nice in person. Huge fucking dude, like 6'6", and he's got to be 250 pounds or something.
00:21:08
Giant barrel chest. I can see why he was picked as a fighter in his youth. That's how he says he got started in a bad life.
00:21:14
he was used as a fighter. He's also incredibly good at Scrabble. For privacy's sake, I'd
00:21:21
prefer it if he didn't say his name. I'm sure a determined listener could find him, but
00:21:25
I'd rather not. He also makes YouTube videos for school kids about not doing drugs and
00:21:28
staying out of jail. Oh, he sounds great. That's very good. Love your trachea grabbing
00:21:33
Marine wife, Jenny. Oh, you know how they grab the trachea? He sounds lovely. Also,
00:21:40
I love because we spend a lot of time on this podcast talking about psychopaths or sociopaths,
00:21:47
depending on what branch of psychology you're from or pretending to be from. But there are people that it is nurture and that they had a shitty life.
00:21:57
And actually, they did end up there like it is there. That's very touching. It's like someone's actually asking me why I'm here.
00:22:05
And I actually get to tell my side of the story. What a nice lady that she's like, I wonder what happened to him.
00:22:10
and then goes to find out. Yeah. Gives them a chance. And then there's some who that nothing happened to them
00:22:16
and they're just monsters. Yeah, and you absolutely should not write letters to them
00:22:19
in jail, prison, or ever. No. Or anywhere. Thanks for listening. Send us your emails,
00:22:25
whatever they may be. Yes. My favorite murder. At this point, we're taking everything.
00:22:29
We just want to hear a good story. That's right. And stay sexy. And don't get murdered.
00:22:35
Goodbye. Elvis, do you want a cookie? If audiobooks are your thing, or if you've been meaning to listen to more of them,
00:22:44
you should check out a podcast called Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club, hosted by Cal Penn.
00:22:51
Each episode spotlights standout audiobooks on Audible across all kinds of genres,
00:22:55
sci-fi, comedy, romance, thrillers, and more, with Cal talking to guests who help break down
00:23:00
what makes each story worth listening to. It's a fun, easy way to discover your next great audiobook.
00:23:05
Check out Earsay on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
00:23:10
Goodbye. You know that fantasy where you run into your ex while looking impossibly cute and wildly unbothered?
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Hill House Home is the brand behind the viral nap dress, known for its signature smocking, ultra flattering fit, and comfort that makes it a favorite for just about everyone.
00:23:31
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These dresses are the definition of versatile, perfect for running errands in the morning and stylish enough for dinner or a party that night.
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And it's not all they carry. They started with bedding back in 2016, and now you'll find bathrobes, pajamas, children's clothes, and maternity, all with the cutest prints.
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And it's so true, the hardest time picking out one nap dress because the prints are so dreamy and beautiful is,
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Now that I have it, I'm going to wear it all day, every day. I'm going to throw on my leather jacket at night and look like a total badass.
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Cowboy boots or cute heels, whatever it is, this nap dress can make it look classy.
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That's MURDER15 for 15% off at hillhousehome.com. Goodbye. There's always a point in the day when your feet decide they've had enough.
00:24:31
Especially if you've been running errands, traveling, or my favorite, just standing around.
00:24:36
And that's where Reef comes in. Reef has been known for comfort since the 1980s.
00:24:40
While many people think of their sandals first, they now make comfortable everyday shoes as well.
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Like women's Neptune, a lightweight, everyday slip-on shoe with a crushed back heel so you can wear it traditionally or step on the heel and wear it like a slide.
00:24:51
It's lightweight and breathable, which makes a noticeable difference if you're on your feet for long stretches.
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You know, we got some of these shoes. I know, they're so cute. They're super cute, but they are really lightweight.
00:25:01
You don't think about that. Sometimes when I'm wearing like this heavy running shoes,
00:25:05
they weigh your feet down. And these Reef ones are like super kicky and comfortable.
00:25:09
Check out the Neptune on Reef.com. That's R-E-E-F and redeem 15% off your first purchase.
00:25:15
Goodbye.