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You guys, we're excited, so excited to present episode one of the brand new podcast from our
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friend Bridger Weininger, I Said No Gifts, with special guest Matt Ingebrigtsen. You might know
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him from Comedy Central's Corporate or Stand-Up Comedy. You can listen to episode two right
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afterwards with special guest Jessica Gao. It's available in the I Said No Gifts feed. Follow
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the show on Twitter and Instagram at I Said No Gifts. And there's lots of pictures of the gifts,
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the stuff that's happening on the show. Listen, like, subscribe to I Said No Gifts now on
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Apple Podcasts, on Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. Goodbye. Goodbye.
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I said no gifts, your presence is presence enough. And I already had too much stuff.
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So how do you dare disobey me? Welcome to the show. This is I Said No Gifts and I'm Bridger Weininger.
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And I'm so happy you're here. I hope you're feeling nice, maybe washing some dishes, driving to work and kind of just collecting yourself before a big day.
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Whatever it is, we're going to get through it. And I've got a friend here. I've got a friend.
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He's a writer. He's a comedian. He is a director. He is the star of a television show called Corporate.
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Matt Ingebrigtsen. Hello, Bridger. Matt, I'm so happy you're here. Bridger, what are we doing here?
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Look, I invited you here and you're already causing trouble. You start a podcast? Who told you to do this?
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I was visited in the night and had this little idea. Yes. And then you came along and told me I should do it.
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And so now I'm dragging you back in for the first, you know. I will take credit for this, actually.
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You said, Bridger, you should do that if someone will give you a microphone. And I said, that sounds about right.
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And someone made that mistake. Somebody has made a huge mistake, and we're just going to have to move through it.
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I know. This is your first one. How do you feel so far? I'm going to interview you for this podcast.
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Look, you are not interviewing me. I'm taking this over. I'm the host here. You parasite.
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You caught me on a big week. What? You caught me on a big week. And? So? Well, where do you want me to start?
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The week started out big with me going to none other than the Korean spa. Which one?
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We Spa? Have you been to Wii Spa? Yes, I have. Have we talked about Wii Spa? I don't know if we have.
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Wii Spa, for me, is Disneyland. It is truly the best possible feeling. Yes. You get to go...
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In the sense that you dress up as a Disney princess when you go. Of course. I'm in my bell gown.
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I've got the full wig, and I'm wet. Okay, Korean Spa, for people who don't know, should we explain it a little bit?
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Yeah, I think that's worth talking about. This is the only Korean spa I've ever been to.
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Wee Spa is kind of Los Angeles' premier Korean spa. Multi-story spa. You go in, you put on a little costume.
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It's not a costume. It's truly the least cute, sexy. It's like oversized shorts and a boxy T-shirt.
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Yes. Everyone looks bad. Well, you're given a little watch at the beginning. A little watch you wrap around your wrist that gives you access to your locker.
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That's right. You go in there, and this, for me, was huge, getting naked in front of strangers.
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Me, too, when I did it. Enormous. Yes. But also excellent for me mentally. For your self-esteem.
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Oh, my self-esteem went through the roof. Everyone looks terrible. People were begging to look at me.
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Everyone wanted to look. And I showed them. People were hooting and hollering. No, so you get naked, then you walk over.
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Oh, but they do give you the shorts and the t-shirts. Yes. But that's for later.
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That's right. Because you, I mean, at least I'm speaking from my personal experience.
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Well, did you start with the bath stuff? I always start with the bath stuff. You don't?
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I end with the bath stuff. Oh, that's probably the move. Yes. I go do, well, because I feel like I get ultimately a little dirty in the saunas.
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Oh, yes. Because you're kind of like lying around in gravel. Maybe that's in my head.
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You're lying in gravel. Yeah. It's funny, like, describing this, it doesn't sound appealing at all.
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No. You go to the spa, you lie down in gravel. You roll around. You're wearing oversized shorts and then you leave.
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Yes. Okay, so that makes sense to me, actually. This time I began in the baths. Yes.
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Went to the dry spa. Yes. Went back to the baths. The next day my hair was as dry as a bone.
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It was like I had shampooed it 18 times. But the reason I started in the baths this time was I scheduled the body scrub.
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Okay. Have you done the body scrub? No, I have not, but I've been tempted to. It is an insane experience.
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Because it seems painful. It's not painful. It's not painful. Basically. But it is invasive.
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It's the most invasive thing that has ever happened to me. Even more than sex. A hundred percent.
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Oh, absolutely. Because, I mean, you lie down on essentially just a metal table, and you're fully naked,
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and a man, for the next half an hour, scrubs your body to the bone. Yes. I mean, it occurred to me while I was lying there that it was as close.
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It feels like cadaver training because you just in this kind of unpleasant atmosphere It like you waiting for someone to come and identify your solo room no i mean there sometimes there be another person on another bed there okay um you and it
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but it's very relaxing borderline prison camp well it's a crazy thing that you're making another
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human being somebody is they're being paid but to truly touch your entire body maybe they like that
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I suppose. I also, usually they're Korean people. I feel like most cultures don't have the horror of body shame that Americans do.
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Yes, that's right. So maybe it's not as big of a deal. If I was scrubbing down somebody's body, I don't know.
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I would be apologizing most of the time. And after the scrub, what? Do you feel soft?
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You feel invigorated. Yes. You feel like a whole new you. All of that skin is gone.
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Your body has been desecrated by a stranger. I am at that point hot pink because my skin is usually just white as a sheet.
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And then I march around back into the sauna. And people are very excited to see me.
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Do you use the toiletries that they provide for you, the lotions and things? I can't tell you.
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This time I went all the way. I used the toothbrush. Good God. They offer a free toothbrush.
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You're out of control. I was like, you know, I'm here. I'm going to brush my teeth.
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Yes. So I did the body scrub. I mean, this trip, and I'm so sorry that we're just talking all spa, but this trip to the spa felt calculated to really pinpoint my anxiety.
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Because in the bath area, there was a man with a ponytail who was diving into the tubs the entire time.
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Yes. And these are, you know, they're not, you know, it's not a swimming pool. There are signs that say, do not dive into the tubs.
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He's diving. Literally diving every time. Yes. So, fortunately not into the tubs that I was in, but as someone who is just annoyed by most people, that just was on my mind while I'm trying to relax.
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Yes. I move on to the scrub. Halfway through the scrub, the guy starts coughing.
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So, not the sound you want to hear while you're trying to just be scrubbed. That reminds me of a massage I once got, actually.
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Actually, I believe I talked to you on the phone right before I got it. Wait, was this in the neighborhood you used to live in, which is currently my neighborhood?
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I feel like you told me there's a Thai massage to avoid. No. Well, there is one to avoid, but there's another one to avoid.
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There's probably a lot of massages to avoid. This was in... I had done a show...
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No, I had gone to a show a couple hours early, and I had some time to kill. So, at first, I was sitting outside on the curb outside of a McDonald's, and actually...
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Oh, the perfect intro to a massage. A couple Mormon missionaries came up and tried to...
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Oh, my God. I clearly looked terrible because they tried to, you know, bring me into their faith.
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Then I was like, you know what? I'm going to get a massage. I'll treat myself. So I just in Google Maps, I just put in Thai massage.
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Okay. Looked up no information on it. Oh, no. I walked in. The smell was highly questionable.
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In which way? It smelled like a restaurant. Yeah, it smelled like meat. But it was an exclusively massage place.
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As far as I could tell. Okay. I walked in. The moment I walked in, I was like, I've made a mistake and I should leave.
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But they were already like, hello. So I was like, well, I'm about to drop 50 bucks and just do this.
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I pay money. It's one of the most painful massages I ever got that culminated in her.
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You know when they walk on your back and they usually have straps that they hold?
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And too bad. I'm not familiar. I know that they walk on your back, but I wasn't aware of these straps.
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It's like a gymnasium. That's right. Off and on the ceiling, something to help them balance.
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They didn't have those. Instead, when it was time to walk on my back, she pulled out a senior citizen's walker.
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Okay. and straddled me with it and then walked up and down my back. I was in pain for weeks after that.
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It really decimated me. Did it feel like whatever she was doing, she was actually doing it correctly?
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It's just not something that you wanted done to you? Or was she just a madman? I think she was out of control.
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That sounds crazy. It was a bad... I was in pain. I hurt for weeks after. Was there any part of it that was enjoyable?
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No, and massages are tricky because they are that balance between pain and pleasure.
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So you want it to hurt a little bit, but I like, she like sprained a muscle in me or something.
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Good grief. I've never really had a professional massage now that I think about it.
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The closest I've come is the scrub. The scrub. But maybe it's time for me to look into a massage.
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I just don't know who to trust. You get into Yelp, and of course Yelp reviews now mean nothing.
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I know. So who, and then I'm, I don't know, I don't want to. I've been thinking about a facial.
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Oh. I've never gotten one. You should try a facial. How do you do that? You have a beard, so half of your face is covered.
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I'm not getting my money's worth. You're not. I hope I should get a discount. You should get a half off.
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Yeah, I should. What would you want a facial for? I feel like you've got nice skin.
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This is... Well, thank you, Bridger. This is... Bridger, you don't have to. Matt, let me describe your face to the listeners.
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But go ahead. Matt's face right now is bathed in a very soft light. So smooth, not a blemish on it.
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Maybe under the beard there's horrible scarring. But from what I can tell, Matt's got a perfect face.
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So keep that in mind while he talks about giving himself a facial. That was nice.
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Well, a facial. So I've heard, and this is slightly disgusting, but I've heard that they, like, dig out blackheads, that they, like, get in there.
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And I think I like that a little. I think most, whether people want to admit it or not, most people love that.
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I love a blackhead coming out of their face. Now, my only regret is that I won't be able to see it.
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I want to see it happen. Do you, I remember pretty clearly when I discovered I could squeeze like a blackhead out of my nose
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And being like, that's disgusting, but it's also But I want it Yeah I want it to happen
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And I think I've been told you shouldn't do that No, I don't think you should But maybe if you have a professional, how are they doing it, with a little needle or something?
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Yes Does that hurt? I think it does They excavating your face Hillary got one recently and said that it was painful but like an interesting experience I wonder what level of pain I don know
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How did she look after? Could you tell that she had just had her face dug up? She was covered in blood.
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But I've become it. She talked to me about it. Now I'm intrigued, although I don't even know if I need one, because again, I have perfect skin, except for the horrid scar.
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I feel like maybe you want like a relaxing facial, something that's not going to do a lot of work.
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That's more just like they're putting the cucumbers on your face. There's like slime on it.
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Well, another thing I do, I do know what I enjoy. I don't really watch ASMR videos, but I do like personal attention.
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Like whenever a doctor like does like checks on me, I like that a lot. And if I could just pay, I guess I could just go to the doctor more.
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Just constantly. You and I kind of share a doctor. He is a bit of a joke writer.
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He, listen, I have heard probably more of his comedy than yours at this point. I do think that's true.
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And it is truly, like, written comedy. It's written, it is like old school monologue, like, topical.
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Yeah, and that's the first ten minutes of your appointment, is you are the audience.
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I mean, I've had a lot of experiences with the doctor this year because I, early August, as you know, got strep throat.
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Yes. Which was absolutely horrifying. And I just, I scheduled one appointment with him.
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It was fine. I went. Second time I was at his office was, I just showed up. It was like, what about Bob's style?
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Because I was so desperate for help. He was very accommodating. You didn't go to an urgent care.
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Well, I'll tell you, I was deeply sick, went to an urgent care without looking at my insurance.
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And you don't want to be in an urgent care, deeply sick, uninsured. Right. I walk up to the counter.
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They turn me away. I nearly burst into tears. Well, they told me that it was going to be like hundreds of dollars.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, of course, I'm not spending a dime on myself. No, Bridger is a known cheapskate.
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I turned around and just went home. Yes. then you stay okay so i mean this is a lot but the strep throat eventually went away
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i fall asleep the day that it's going away on my couch i wake up i've got shingles it felt like i
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had finally gotten out of a cave and got immediately hit by a car this was a dark time
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in bridger's life shingles i don't know i didn't see much of him during this buddy has had well i
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hope nobody did shingles for five weeks right on my face which was uh so this all this was of course
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more trips to the doctor and uh listen there was some diagnosis and then some treatments that were
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probably not correct um what are you saying to me right now i'm saying that i well i initially
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after being turned away from the urgent care i went on the cell phone have you done this yet
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The cell phone doctor? The Skype app or the sort of like video conference. Yes. Yes, I did.
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What did you do it for? I got food poisoning recently. Oh. And I was vomiting so much and I couldn't keep any liquid down that I was severely dehydrated.
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And I got on and he was like, go to the emergency room. Okay. So that feels worthless.
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Wait, what causes this food poisoning? Well, Hillary and I ate all the same thing.
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She didn't get it, but she has more of an iron stomach than I do. But we did eat Trader Joe's lobster ravioli the night before.
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I'm sorry, but you've a thousand percent deserved to go. I don't know what came over me.
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I was in the ravioli department at Trader Joe's, and I'm typically a butternut squash guy.
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Of course. You know this about me, Bridger. As everyone should be. The lobster is, no one's buying that.
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Well, I did. And to be honest, it wasn't even that good. Of course it was. No offense to the chefs at Trader Joe's.
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I don't want to bring that upon you, but it's not your finest work. so we had i woke up the next one i was like this is something is wrong i couldn't keep any liquids
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down i was like shaking i was so dehydrated went to the emergency room by the way you turn into a
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monster at the emergency room because they're all hell there was like an hour wait of course
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and i was pissed off everyone else there i was like i don't care if you're dying i want people
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bleeding are you sitting there with people bleeding nobody else was bleeding okay as far
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as i can tell unless they were concealing it i i walked in though and i was like i just told them
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I was like, I have the flu and I need help. So at that point, you still felt it was not food poisoning.
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I didn't know. Okay. But I'm pretty sure it was. My big food poisoning event was another fish product.
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It was a salmon fish and chips. But at a restaurant, of course I had it coming. But at the same time, at that restaurant, I also ate ravioli, weirdly.
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And so I can't, to this day, can't eat a ravioli. Listeners, if you take anything away from this podcast, stop eating ravioli.
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Don't combine them with a fish. Cross it off the list. It's done, okay? It's a little pockets.
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Like, there's too much in there. There's just a good chance that part of it's going to get poisoned at some point.
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Pasta's enough. You don't need to put stuff inside a pasta. Just pour something over it.
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Just settle down. Eat it dry. One more food poisoning story I'll share. Let's hear it.
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I was in Montreal for a comedy festival. The night, last night I was there, everyone stayed up, like, having a fun time partying and stuff.
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at 2.30 in the morning, I head back to my hotel. On the way back to my hotel, there was a True TV sponsored stand that was handing out bagels
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and lox. As we all know, True TV has got the money for the finest. Bagels and lox from True TV.
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I only eat fish from True TV. Out of a cooler at 2.30 in the morning. Oh, no. I scarfed it down.
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Were you drunk? I was a little bit drunk yeah That makes a little more sense Yeah I was impaired I then which honestly they shouldn have been serving me lox That was honestly Who is serving lox at 2 in the morning That is not a middle of the night food
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I hope somebody hears this in true TV. I should get some money for this. So the next morning.
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You should get a whole series out of this. Yeah. The next morning I wake up at 9 a.m.
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And I'm like, something is terribly wrong. My flight leaves in two and a half hours from Montreal.
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So I then, I call Lyft. I'm like, I need to go get medicine. I walk downstairs. I feel terrible.
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I haven't thrown up yet. I get in the lift. I tell him to take me to a pharmacy.
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Within two minutes, I have the car door open and I'm vomiting out the side. He's yelling at me, understandably so, because I just got into his car and immediately started throwing up.
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And he probably just thinks you're hungover and an irresponsible jerk. So then he doesn't take me all the way to the pharmacy.
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He drops me off a couple blocks later and is like, get out of my car. So then I stumble my way to the pharmacy.
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The idea of being food poisoned and then getting on a plane. It was terrible. I would move to Montreal at that point.
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It was one of the most out-of-body experiences I've had in my life. This is a big time for you because I know your birthday is also coming up.
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That's right. When your birthday is coming up, when the holidays are coming up, gifts.
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The word gift is right there in the title of this podcast. Do you have any gifts you'd like to get for your birthday?
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well i my goal because it's always i'm essentially always trying to trick people
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into getting things for me that i want i don't want surprise gifts i want things that i desire
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like to like carefully guide without directly that's exactly right sure so i'm looking for
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things that i want but might not buy myself so like clothes from a clothing store that typically
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i might be like i don't need that expensive of a shirt or something like that what store are
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we talking about here well do you want to get free plugs well i just want to know because i don't
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know where to buy clothes anymore i haven't bought i was looking in my closet the other day i'm like
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most of my shirts are truly 15 years well and this is something we've talked about this before
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because you you are simultaneously a fashionable man but almost buy no clothes for yourself i buy
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almost this is my most recent purchase i bought this at a place called the rat's nest in north
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carolina it's nice thank you it's lovely but you should be doing more because bridger and listeners
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as you can't see, is he's a svelte, he's a handsome, he's bathed, let me describe Bridger's
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face for you. We've got to talk about my body as much as possible on this podcast.
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Bridger has an extremely symmetrical face. He has, I'd say, cute forehead wrinkles.
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He has a great jawline, great hair. He's got a real look. My hair, I will say today, I'm pretty happy with how my hair looks.
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I'm unhappy with how my hair looks. I feel like your hair always looks good. Well, I've just picked a look where it's like all over the place.
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It kind of can do whatever it wants. That's right. There's no wrong answers. You should be very happy.
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I was going to ask you, and I know we're trying to get to the next part of the podcast, or
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maybe not. No, we're not. We're doing whatever we want. Okay, great. I was going to ask you, how many times a week are you shampooing?
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Zero. Well, I would say once. Why I jumped to zero. Zero? I was shocked to hear that.
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Zero? I don't wash my hair. Zero. I haven't washed my hair since I was 10. No, I would say one every week and a half.
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Every week and a half. So that's because... Probably too much. Really? Okay. I probably do twice a week.
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You're washing your hair twice a week? I've heard you're not supposed to wash it at all.
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Well... Where's the science on shampooing? I don't think there is any. It's all hearsay.
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Just wait until it stinks? Well, that's my thing. I sweat. When I exercise, I sweat a fair amount.
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Oh, sure. So that is my concern is I don't want... Now, here's the thing is it's like how many I'm six foot four.
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So not many people are getting a whiff of my hair. That's true. This is for the birds.
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This is exclusively for birds. Yes, that's right. So I'm but it's a concern of mine.
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We're like, I sweat it out. Like, well, I guess I need to wash it now. Often what I'll do is conditioner.
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No shampoo. Oh, interesting. What sort of conditioner? Well, OK, I've been experimenting.
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So my sister, I have two older sisters and they've guided me through life in terms of hair products and facial products and clothing.
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About a year ago, she got me a shampoo and conditioner called Davinesse. Okay. Are you familiar?
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It's expensive. Of course not. It's like $35 for a thing of conditioner. That's not for me.
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Now, I'll tell you what. It's incredible. It does make a difference. Truly, what is the difference you're seeing?
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Well, when you do it, your hair, I was like, oh, my hair never got clean from the other.
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It feels actually like, oh, I can run my hands through it. Let me see if I can run my hands.
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Yes. My hair is kind of thick. It's hard to. is stuck. He's trying to yank it out right now. Immediately stuck. I'll just keep it here
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until the end of the podcast and go to the hospital. Something I have done in the last year
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every few months is a deep conditioning with coconut oil. Is that what I'm using? Where I'll put it in at night,
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throw a shower cap on, and go to bed like a grandmother. Well, that's what I was about to ask because I once
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made the mistake of, I read that you should put coconut oil in your hair. I put it in
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in the shower, tried to rinse it out. It didn't all come out. Then I just have greasy hair
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all night. I didn't have a shower cap, so then I ruined a pillow of mine. Of course. How was the pillow ruined? Was it just like...
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Not ruined, but it was like... It probably smelled nice. Coconut oil all over it. Yeah, it's just a greasy pillow at that point.
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Well, the thing with the deep conditioning for me is I didn't notice any difference.
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It was just annoying, and then I woke up, and then I was like, I guess it was a little shinier.
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But my hair's already like an annoying color And I'm like, I don't need to draw any more attention to this
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It's all guesswork When it comes to hair and the beauty industry Because it's like, the beauty industry is propaganda
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So it's really difficult to discern What is actually working And what is just marketing
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Getting honest answers from people It's like, I truly don't know I largely rely on my sister
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She recently just gave me some new face moisturizer That I've been putting on Are you moisturizing your face?
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I'm doing, look Everyone knows about me. I'm a Jennifer Aniston type. I've been doing a vino for years.
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I'm in a vino. Okay. On your face? Face, arms. Now, do you have a specific face one, or you're putting normal lotion on your face?
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I'm putting normal lotion. Bridger? It's a very mild lotion. I don't know. I mean, I'm looking at Stephen.
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I'm looking at the other people in the room to see if that is okay. It's an oatmeal face.
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We're getting a grimace, and Stephen is shaking his head. It's an oatmeal base. Jen Aniston's putting it on.
00:24:34
Or she's always making the big bucks. Jennifer Aniston is absolutely, that has never touched her face.
00:24:39
I guarantee you that. She looks gorgeous. Right, exactly, because she's not using Aveeno.
00:24:43
I feel like Aveeno is a, I mean. I'm sure it's fine, Bridger, but you should consider.
00:24:49
Should I move to a new thing? But I've been doing this literally since I was probably 12 years old, because I have very dry skin.
00:24:56
Oh, yes. Well, and that's actually, that's when we all should have started using heavy face moisturizers in our pre-teens.
00:25:02
Yes, because, you know, you want that youthful look. You want that Jen Aniston look.
00:25:06
Are you putting sunscreen on your face every day? Again, I have an Aveeno with an SPF.
00:25:11
That's fine. Okay. That's the main thing you must be doing. And listeners, sunscreen on your face.
00:25:16
Let's all put, look, I wish I had known. But, you know, when you're a teenager in Utah in the 90s, everybody wants to be tan.
00:25:23
I wish somebody had just taken me aside and said, it's never going to happen for you.
00:25:30
Stay out of the sun, you idiot. You're going to get burned. You must have just gotten redder, right?
00:25:35
Oh, my God. I've been absolutely, you know, I've been hospitalized with the sunburn in Venezuela.
00:25:42
But that was a whole other experience. We'll leave that for another podcast. Yeah.
00:25:45
Too much time on the beach and then back into the hospital. But look, there's been something on the table this entire time.
00:25:53
You know, there's very few rules about this podcast. Yes. Each episode should be eight hours long.
00:25:59
Well. And I said no gifts. Well, Bridger, I'm sorry, but I felt awkward not bringing something.
00:26:07
Currently, Matt has brought, I'm just going to describe what seems to be probably a foot and a half long by a foot box in a beautiful floral wrapping.
00:26:17
Yes. With a card on top. Is that for me? Bridger. Matt, I said no gifts I couldn't help myself, okay?
00:26:25
I felt like I needed to do something This feels like a strange way to draw attention to yourself on iPodcast
00:26:31
Well, okay, well now you're making this about I just felt there was the right thing to do
00:26:38
And it doesn't have to be about me And I honestly resent a little bit about that you're calling
00:26:43
Well, should I open it? Please, okay Let me see, should I open the card first? For me, with a card, I never know if I should save it for later or open the gift.
00:26:54
I will. Seeing as you just showed up with a gift. Yes. Should I read it aloud on the podcast?
00:27:00
Okay. It's like I'm going to describe. This is literally just a piece of paper Matt has folded in half.
00:27:05
No, hang on. A piece of card stock. It's card stock. It's card stock. Where did you get card stock?
00:27:09
Well, I make custom. You know, I didn't put a ton of work into this one, but I'll often draw a picture on.
00:27:13
This says, we have been friends for close to a decade, gone through life's ups and downs, and I finally feel close enough to you to ask, how do you pronounce your last name?
00:27:25
Sincerely, Matt. Matt, I really appreciate that. I mean, I know you know how to pronounce my last name.
00:27:31
But I'm going to say, ballpark, 80% of the people in my life don't pronounce my last name quickly.
00:27:36
And I wanted to give them a chance to learn without having to confront you face to face with them.
00:27:41
This podcast, ultimately for me, was just to teach people how to pronounce my last name.
00:27:46
That's right, yes. Weineger. Weineger. It looks like vinegar. Yes. Which I understand people would want to say Winneger.
00:27:54
But there are people in my life, and I'm not going to name names, who should have figured this out by now.
00:28:00
It's Weineger. But you also, interestingly, you have a last name that I imagine a lot of people struggle with.
00:28:06
Yes. Although, which is crazy to me, because your name to me really tells you how to pronounce it.
00:28:10
It's phonetic. Yeah. Ingebretson. What pronunciations are you getting? Ingebretson.
00:28:17
Ingebretson? Ingebretson. Inge. Inglebretson. Inglebertson. Oh, my God. And then just blank stares.
00:28:25
People are putting in a lot of work to mispronounce names. I know. Ingebretson. That feels so...
00:28:29
It's fun. It feels like it's on a pogo stick or something. I do feel like your last name being Vinegar is add something.
00:28:36
Bridger Vinegar. Bridger Vinegar. It's sort of like your alter ego. Yeah, that's kind of my poisonous, like, after dark.
00:28:44
I'm, like, stalking through the shadows, Bridger Vinegar. Well, okay. Okay, I'm going to open the gift.
00:28:49
Please. Let's get some nice... Are you a, um... A lot of people, I think, will just dive into ripping open a gift.
00:29:00
I try to be a little more careful with the wrapping paper. I don't, although this is nice wrapping paper.
00:29:04
Yeah, this is like a wallpaper, almost. Now, tear it up. I don't, because I just get...
00:29:10
Now, there is something... But you never know what's underneath. You could damage something.
00:29:13
You're right about that. This, you're safe. Now, I will say, just before you get your hopes up, the box that it's in is not what the gift is.
00:29:22
So this is not a Sega Genesis. It's not a Sega Genesis, yeah. So I will just adjust my expectations.
00:29:31
Now, this is very nice wrapping paper, actually, but it's a little bit inconvenient because it didn't come in a roll.
00:29:35
It came in two rectangles. That's the new thing, which seems crazy. It doesn't make any sense.
00:29:39
Give me the roll. Like, the rectangles, I think it's a new way to overcharge. I think so.
00:29:45
Although this is like a hardy paper. It's not the thin dollar store paper. You just tore it up.
00:29:49
It'll never be used again. Never again. It looks like you recently ordered from an online retailer I won mention That right Who should be advertising on this I think It probably fits one And they actually Oh look at this What is this It a t
00:30:05
A beautiful t-shirt. Yes. What is happening here? So you've sent me, or you've given me...
00:30:11
Oh, my good grief. What I initially thought was just a white t-shirt with a pocket, which would have been terrific.
00:30:19
A great gift. Of course, everyone likes to just get a nice t-shirt. Yes. I turn it around.
00:30:24
And Matt has, I have to explain something, and I'll have to share this at some point.
00:30:29
For the last, well, let's see, in about 2012, I don't know what did this to me, but I was Google image searching Sizzler.
00:30:38
Yes. And I found the highest resolution photo, maybe on the internet, of none other than the owner of Sizzler.
00:30:47
Is that who that is? I was looking at this recently, I don't know why Cary Cramp was the owner of Sizzler
00:30:54
This is just a photo of him standing That man's name is Cary Cramp? Cary Cramp standing in front of a salad bar at Sizzler
00:31:04
I'm telling you, this photo was beyond 4K resolution You could put it on a billboard and it would be crystal clear
00:31:11
You could see the blackheads on his face Yes, so I eventually switched it to my Can I see?
00:31:18
To this day has been my desktop wallpaper. Incredible. I saw you tweet that recently.
00:31:21
I didn't know if it was a lie or not. That wasn't a lie. I'll confirm. Truly, I was trying to share it with the world.
00:31:25
This has been my photo since I bought this computer, I believe, six, seven years ago.
00:31:31
I also should probably get a new computer, but when I do get the new computer, I will be putting Carrie right back on.
00:31:38
Although now I can wear it on a T-shirt. Tell me about this. Okay, well, one of my favorite gifts to give people actually is a custom t-shirt.
00:31:48
You've done this for me before. That's right. I could name, you've given me a t-shirt that says, which I wear frequently when I'm working out,
00:31:55
Proud Mommy Blogger. Oh, I forgot about that one. And you've given me a Horse Symphony t-shirt.
00:32:02
That's right. Which is very stylish, actually. That's probably my best word. Although I will say the sleeves are a little long.
00:32:06
I might have them trimmed or something. My arms are too short. Trimmed? Can you get a t-shirt, like, trimmed?
00:32:12
You could if you're out of control. If you're spiraling. Or do it yourself. Maybe I go sleeveless.
00:32:17
Yeah. Turn it into a muscle tape. Is that my personality type? Absolutely not, but I think you could do it.
00:32:24
But this is something you do. Custom t-shirts. I like to make custom t-shirts for people.
00:32:29
I use a website, which I will plug because I use them all the time. I think they're great, called Custom Ink.
00:32:32
Custom Ink. Is that the one with the squid? Yes. I tried to make a Wave Raise 64 t-shirt on that, but I couldn't pull the trigger.
00:32:39
because it was $25. Well, and again, going back to the fact that you're a cheapskate.
00:32:46
What do you pay? What is your, in your mind, what should a t-shirt cost? This is a problem for me because I haven't bought,
00:32:52
I mean, the majority of my clothing was bought over a decade ago. I feel like you're living in the year 1997.
00:32:58
Yeah, so if I see a t-shirt that's over $10, Oh my God. That's a splurge. That's a big splurge for me.
00:33:04
Over $10? Over $10, it feels like. Oh, I have to, I truly, and I also, I can say I recognize this as a mental flaw at this point.
00:33:13
Yes. I have to think it over, and I frequently think it over to the point that it vanishes, and then I just don't buy anything.
00:33:18
You have to readjust. Now, listen, a $10 t-shirt, obviously a great deal, but I'd say t-shirts on average these days, you have to expect $20.
00:33:26
What was the last t-shirt you bought for yourself? Well, I just actually recently, this is not a good example of this because they are cheap,
00:33:35
but I bought a five-pack of plain white Hanes t-shirts. Okay. That's the last one.
00:33:40
Is this just like an undershirt situation? An undershirt. I've also, I mean, I continue to dress more and more like my father did in the mid-90s.
00:33:48
Sure. And so... As most people do. Jeans with a tucked in white t-shirt. That's a sort of around-the-house look for me.
00:33:56
Sure. Or maybe a Sunday afternoon, I'm stopping by the hardware store type of...
00:33:59
Okay, that makes sense. That's a good look for that sort of thing. Now, I do feel like you just recently tweeted about t-shirts being softer than ever.
00:34:08
That's right. And I think I, I mean, I think I agree. Okay, now, they've always, like, a vintage t-shirt has always been.
00:34:16
Of course, it's been through the wash. That's right. But a new t-shirt, at this point in history, we're reaching new levels of science.
00:34:25
We are, though. I agree. Yes. But what's doing it, and who's driving this movement?
00:34:29
Well. Nobody really asks for it. I mean, like, we're all happy for that. And, you know, somebody responded to that tweet, a good point, which is that the durability
00:34:39
level has plummeted on these t-shirts. Oh, interesting. Fast fashion. That's right.
00:34:43
They're softer. By the way, a clip I recommend. Fast fashion made me think of it. There's a clip
00:34:49
of Kim Kardashian at this speech thanking... Oh, shit. Maybe cut this part. No, no, no. Leave it in. No, I want to...
00:34:57
I mean, regardless, I need you to continue to... Okay, Kim Kardashian. She's being interviewed
00:35:01
and she is... She has a funny story. She's like, oh, funny story I have to tell. It was...
00:35:07
I was offered a million dollars to post a fast fashion Instagram post. And I thought, why don't I do it?
00:35:13
But then Kanye told me that I shouldn't do it because they rip off designs from Yeezus.
00:35:18
And I was like, okay, Kanye, I won't do it just for you. And she sets this up as like a cute story she's telling.
00:35:24
So then she's like, so I didn't do it for Kanye. I didn't make the million dollars.
00:35:28
My birthday comes around and he gives me an envelope. And inside is a check for one million dollars.
00:35:34
What? and a contract to be a partner in the Yeezus clothing. How is this a marriage?
00:35:41
That is the most psychotic. These people like, yes, that each of their skulls contains a human
00:35:49
brain is so bizarre. Yes, I know. What? So fast fashion You made me think of that Okay Back to t Back to t They softer than ever They softer than ever Less durable certainly And I feel like a lot of my
00:36:05
I've bought some very... I mean, granted, cheap t-shirts. And after one wash, I have to iron them?
00:36:13
I don't want to have to iron a t-shirt. Absolutely not. I want it to just fit my body and look casual.
00:36:19
I have been... My sister, speaking of my sister, again, I bought... Okay, actually, before those Hanes white t-shirts, a couple other t-shirts I bought.
00:36:27
It's funny that I tweeted that t-shirt thing because I bought some not soft t-shirts recently.
00:36:31
Oh, okay. I bought a couple... Name names. I bought another couple Hanes. Oh, Hanes.
00:36:36
This company has no consistency. Hanes, like a blue... I just want plain t-shirt.
00:36:41
Sure. So I bought a blue and a green t-shirt off of Amazon. I'm sorry for supporting that company.
00:36:46
I know they're destroying the environment. But I bought them, and they shamed me because of how not soft they were.
00:36:51
Oh, interesting. Now, they've since sent me a new t-shirt that is very soft. In response to them not being soft?
00:36:57
Yes. Did you complain? What? Wait. I didn't complain. They were like, Matt, you can't be wearing t-shirts like this anymore.
00:37:04
You're an adult man. This t-shirt isn't soft. This says a lot about who I am is that my older sisters have shamed me my entire life for my fashion.
00:37:13
But why not? I mean, at least put those t-shirts to work. Run them through the wash a few times.
00:37:19
I've been working on that. I think they're getting a little softer. Let's be honest.
00:37:22
You just moved into a new home. You have your own washing machine. I do. Use that thing to just beat the hell out of some t-shirts and turn them into the soft t-shirts you desire.
00:37:31
They're luxurious. My thing with t-shirts is I feel like we made some enormous progress from about 2003 to 2013 of t-shirts that fit men's bodies.
00:37:43
Yes. As a small person, this has been something I've really struggled with my entire life, finding a t-shirt that just fits in a fitted way.
00:37:51
We're now forgetting all of those lessons And moving directly towards T-shirts that go to your knees
00:37:58
Yes What's happening? I don't know I feel like I'm just I'm trying to grasp onto this
00:38:03
I was in heaven for a minute too Because I'm in a slightly different position Tall and thin
00:38:07
And now typically T-shirt companies In the past The taller Each size up They assumed you got longer and wider
00:38:15
Oh yeah, of course So I was wearing Shirts that fit me were baggy So then for many years
00:38:19
I wore shorts that were too small for me but fit me around the torso the way that i wanted to be a medium-sized man that's the dream
00:38:25
i know somewhere between you and i is the perfect t-shirt wear yes that's exactly right that's a
00:38:32
real shame how tall are you again i'm five six and you're six two four six four that is a tall
00:38:38
you're a tall human being i'm a tall man i'm right on the you're almost a foot taller than me i'm
00:38:42
right on the verge of it being like a problem and and for and people would stare if i was any taller
00:38:47
Yeah. Was there pressure on you to play basketball? Yes, but... Do you feel like Dad was mad that you didn't become a professional?
00:38:53
I think... He's probably mad at himself. He's also a tall man. I know. He was 6'3". My grandpa was 6'4".
00:39:00
Are you a decent basketball player? I can toss the pigskin up in the hole. If there's a hole, I'll toss a ball at it.
00:39:12
Well, it sounds like you give it a try. I gave it a try. You know, what happened was when I was in seventh grade, I was pretty good.
00:39:19
I was on the A team at my school. Then eighth grade rolled around. A couple other guys got their gross spurts before I did shot up above me.
00:39:27
I got moved down to the B team, and I became resentful, and I quit after that. But as we know, neither of those guys went on to professional basketball, so it didn't matter for anybody.
00:39:36
One of their names was Daniel. I won't even say his last name. He was the school bully.
00:39:41
He really ruined my life. Well, he's probably dead. I mean, if you don't make it into the NBA
00:39:46
I don't know We haven't heard from him since Did you play any sports growing up?
00:39:51
I played basketball Against everyone's advice Unfortunately, no one gave me any advice about this
00:39:59
I was on the Junior Jazz In Utah My parents I don't know what was going on It was very apparent from
00:40:08
Minute one, I was not a basketball player They let me do this for years I would have been thrilled for one of them to step in and say,
00:40:15
Learn the piano. Learn an instrument. There was the piano, which I also just was actively fighting against,
00:40:21
so I didn't learn that skill either. But if they had just stepped in and said, Let's find something for you to do where you're not embarrassing yourself.
00:40:28
I was the kid on the team that was like, Let's get Bridger the ball so he can at least throw it once.
00:40:34
It was not good. I guess I was having a good time. I was on a very good team. Well, you were stupid.
00:40:40
I was a very dumb little boy. You weren't aware of your surroundings. Something was going on.
00:40:47
A lot of assists. A lot of assisting. Giving the ball to men that I, or I guess at the time boys, who I knew would be able to make a basket.
00:40:57
That's right. Never scored a single point. You didn't? Humiliating. I think I took one shot and it was from half court.
00:41:07
You never made a basket? And how many years did you play? At least three, I want to say.
00:41:14
I mean, God bless the team for letting me stick around. That is heartbreaking. That is truly...
00:41:22
Because as someone in my first years of playing basketball, I got to the point where I was pretty good,
00:41:25
but in my first years, I didn't make many baskets, and it feels bad. Oh, yeah. It does not.
00:41:30
I mean, I guess I got to a point where I was like, well, I guess this just isn't part of my basketball experience.
00:41:35
I'm more just somebody who's running up and down the court. That's right. I was probably three feet tall.
00:41:40
Yes. Mouthful of braces. Just this disgusting little creature. My parents, I don't know what they were thinking.
00:41:49
I don't know. Maybe, I don't know. Did they try to force you to play piano? Oh they I mean they definitely took me to lessons every single week I don know if forcing or not but my piano teacher Carol tried her best
00:42:07
I played the Friends theme song at a recital. I think that was kind of the climax for me.
00:42:15
And that's the only thing I can remember how to play on the piano. The first, like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:42:19
That's not what you want to be playing on piano. I don't know. Everyone's upset with you if you're playing that.
00:42:25
That classic piano piece. I'll be there for you. Did you take piano? No, I did not.
00:42:31
My parents tried making both of my older sisters play. They both hated it, fought, and were so upset that they didn't try to make me play.
00:42:39
And then I ended up playing drums. I took them drums. Sure. That sounds like it.
00:42:43
I would have been a good drummer, I think. I think so. I feel like I've got a decent rhythm.
00:42:47
Well, I always think of you as a... I think you could have been a frontman to a band.
00:42:52
Well, you know, there's still, I've got seven decades left. Well, I don't know. I don't know.
00:42:57
I pick up the guitar now. By the time I'm 60, I'm ready to go. And everyone's excited to see you up there, cheering you on the way your parents did while you were running up and down the basketball court.
00:43:09
I just need somebody to write and record the music. Yes. And then I need to be able to sing.
00:43:16
And then someone else will dress you. Yes. And then someone carries you on stage.
00:43:20
Or to just be kind of a manufactured, maybe secretly joined BTS or something. Yes, that's right.
00:43:25
Maybe I'm the leader of BTS at this point. And BTS, if you're listening, and I have to assume that you are.
00:43:31
Of course. All 400 of you. I really would encourage you to consider Bridger as a bandmate.
00:43:39
I think he has potential. Maybe even a friend. A friend? At the very least as a friend.
00:43:44
He'll just be around. What does BTS stand for? It's not behind the scenes. It can be
00:43:51
But that is what I think of every time I didn't even know they were banned for a while
00:43:55
Boys to sing We need 50 boys to sing Where are they? Where are those boys? I'm going to be destroyed by the BTS fan base
00:44:05
You are This podcast is going into the toilet I should just give my address out now
00:44:10
Before I get Just give it out Docs Docs by millions of fans Well this t-shirt's amazing
00:44:18
I mean, at some point, should I put it on? Is that something I should do now? Do you think it will fit?
00:44:23
I got you a small. Of course. A small is my size. Now, here's the thing. It does look fairly small.
00:44:27
Is that going to be like a sexual harassment thing if I take my shirt off and put my shirt on right now?
00:44:32
It's just all the listeners will be jealous. Let's see it. I would love to see it on you.
00:44:38
I'm going to ask everyone in the room. Is it okay if everybody close your eyes? We'll all close our eyes.
00:44:41
Unless you don't look at me. That's also fine. Bridger's been to Korean spas, and he...
00:44:46
Yeah, I bought this as a whole new body. Now, okay, I don't want to embarrass, and now on the first podcast, but if you're going to listen to this podcast, I think you should know, Bridger is a fit man.
00:44:56
He has abs, and he looks great. Lovely. Okay, that's going to fit. This fits. Now.
00:45:02
It probably needs one shrink. One shrink, and that's good, because it will shrink whether you like it to or not.
00:45:07
It's immediately soft, though, so that's great. And I've got Carrie Cramp on the back of my shirt.
00:45:11
People are going to be so confused. Who is that jolly man in front of a salad bar?
00:45:17
And obviously no pressure to wear it in public, but I think it works. This is something I'd love to wear in public.
00:45:21
Because on the front, it's unassuming. It just has something on the back. I need a little surprise.
00:45:25
I'm going to take the sticker off. I feel a little ridiculous. This is still on me.
00:45:28
Yeah. Oh, jeez. I just want to tell the listeners that this company puts a terrible sticker on their t-shirt.
00:45:36
It feels confusing and unnecessary from an online retailer. Custom Inc., if you're listening, that's something you could work on.
00:45:42
Yeah, come on. Give me a break. Matt, I have a game called Giftmaster I'd like you to play
00:45:50
I need you to give me a number between 2 and 10 Because I love to count And are you about to go count off screen?
00:45:57
Is this another rambling session? You're about to go on Steven is going to earn his keep
00:46:03
Editing me counting Steven, leave these moments Listeners are here to hear me say different numbers
00:46:09
Mumble numbers The number I will choose is 4 four okay i'll go into the calculating machine you calculate i'll talk we'll see if it's worth
00:46:18
keeping and steven feel free to edit this out let's see if i can think about and this is i
00:46:22
don't know if this will be the first episode to air or not but a little introduction to bridger
00:46:26
for those of you who don't know him he's a tiny man who is very strong muscle wise and weak
00:46:37
mentally. But he is smart and funny and a nice man overall, although honestly can be quite vicious, which is
00:46:49
how he earned his nickname, Bridger Vinegar. Matt, the counting's been done. The gift master is about to... I'm about to
00:46:55
push the button on the gift master. Let me give you the rules of this game. I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe we're here doing this.
00:47:01
This is out of control. This is how the game works. We're gonna judge how good of a gift giver you are.
00:47:06
I'm going to give you three gifts. Three things that you could possibly give. Then I'm going to give you three names of celebrities, actors, this sort of thing.
00:47:16
You're going to determine which of these people you're going to give each of the items.
00:47:20
Does that make sense to you? I think it makes sense. Okay, the gifts are a restaurant-grade blender, a leaf blower, and surgery.
00:47:31
Wait, what kind of surgery? Well, when you determine who you're giving it to, maybe you can decide.
00:47:36
Okay. The people you have to give these to, Margot Martindale, famed character actress Margot Martindale.
00:47:43
Okay. If you need to look her up, she's fantastic. Of course you might have to because she kind of blends into every role and just does a dynamite performance.
00:47:53
Okay. The next person, the members of Haim, all three sisters. Okay. So that's a triple gift.
00:48:00
A triple gift. But it's only one gift, so... They have to split it. Yeah. And then Elijah Wood, most recently seen in The Lord of the Rings.
00:48:08
All right, so we have a leaf blower, a restaurant-grade blender, and surgery to Margot Martindale,
00:48:15
Haim, and Elijah Wood. So let's start with Margot. What are you going to give Margot?
00:48:20
Can you tell me a little bit about Margot? Margot, you know, she's just kind of been this character actress.
00:48:26
She did a terrific job on The Americans most recently as kind of a diabolical Russian.
00:48:34
But she kind of plays... She does it all. I don't know what to tell you. She can be maternal.
00:48:41
She can be sadistic. I have her pulled up. I recognize her. Oh, yes. She's in a short film in the movie Paris Je T'aime, where she plays a character who goes on a little trip by herself to Paris.
00:48:54
I want to say it's a Coen Brothers directed short. Everyone should look it up. It's heartbreaking.
00:48:59
Do you know French? Because your pronunciations have felt very genuine. No. Well, I took a lot of French, and then I went to Paris with Jim, my boyfriend,
00:49:08
and he harassed me the entire time about my pronunciation, but it's just because he thinks he does everything better than me.
00:49:16
I think I did an okay job. That's the foundation for a healthy relationship, is when one person thinks they're fundamentally better than the other.
00:49:24
Okay, Margot Martindale will receive a leaf blower. Okay, why? When I picture Margot, now it was a tough call.
00:49:36
It was a tough call because when I picture Margot, I either picture, the blender was the other thing I was considering.
00:49:43
But I ultimately gave her the leaf blower because she's no spring chicken anymore.
00:49:48
Sure. If you're doing yard work and you need to clean up, I don't want Margo out there raking.
00:49:56
Sure. Okay? I want to give her the power she deserves to do it simply and efficiently.
00:50:01
Okay. Interesting. See, for me, I probably would give Margo surgery. Just give a certificate for surgery.
00:50:09
Yes. Because she's a middle-aged woman, a middle-aged person. I feel like I'm headed towards endless surgery after 50.
00:50:18
And for somebody to pick up the bill on one of these surgeries Maybe she wants to get LASIK eye surgery
00:50:23
Maybe she needs a new knee I feel like for me I would I mean I'm not saying you're wrong
00:50:28
I think the leaf blower is an excellent gift for Margo And she would probably be thrilled
00:50:31
I feel like she's probably out in the yard a lot That's what I'm picturing I'm picturing her gardening
00:50:36
I'm picturing her in a beautifully A picturesque house with a green front yard And I want her blowing leaves
00:50:42
And I mean if she was doing that with 20-20 vision from my surgery Good grief Who knows what you could accomplish.
00:50:49
Okay, so Margot and a leaf blower. Okay. You've got a restaurant-grade blender. Yes.
00:50:54
That's more than a home blender. That's going to be able to throw rocks in there.
00:50:59
That's going to grind them up. And then we've got surgery. That's right. For either.
00:51:04
We've got the Heim Sisters. Is that their last name? I don't know. Yes, that is.
00:51:09
Well, I think so. Heim Sisters, if you're listening, reach out to me and let me know your last name.
00:51:14
I'm not going to look it up. And then Elijah Wood. So for Heim sisters, what are you giving them?
00:51:19
The Heim sisters are getting surgery Okay, so what sort of surgery are the Heim sisters getting?
00:51:25
I have trouble keeping them apart I feel like if any of them showed up on my doorstep individually
00:51:33
I wouldn't know who they were I would like for them to be sutured together There we go, become the Heim sister
00:51:39
That's exactly right That way, no more confusion The trio is together at all times
00:51:46
I feel like we're headed this way anyway. They're doing all these choreographed dances.
00:51:49
Yes. Why not just become one person at this point? So it's surgery, but it's specifically, you can only use the gift card to get surgery to suture yourselves, your bodies together.
00:51:59
To become kind of a singing monster. I think it would work. I think, I think, I...
00:52:03
It's a new hook. Unfortunately, I use mine on Margo, but I think you're making a good choice.
00:52:08
Thank you, Ed. As a pop star, you have to learn to reinvent yourself. Of course.
00:52:10
And all I'm saying is putting your bodies together and sewing them. Well, and they're splitting the royalties right now.
00:52:17
Why not have all of that money go to one creature? That's exactly right. I like that.
00:52:23
Okay, well, I was going to say, give the gals a blender. They seem to like to party.
00:52:28
I feel like one of them's mixing drinks. Well, I have a reason to give the blender to Elijah.
00:52:32
Oh, well, let's just get into it. Elijah, how tall would you say Elijah is? Well, probably 4'11".
00:52:40
4'11". Elijah. Let's be honest. I'm worried about the amount of nutrition he is receiving.
00:52:46
He is skeletal. I think Elijah needs a blender so he can make a dense nutritional smoothie for himself with protein and calcium supplements.
00:52:55
Okay. So that he does not hurt himself because I think he is headed... He's a waif.
00:53:01
He's a waif. And Elijah, you need to start bulking up, buddy. Look, I've started making protein shakes at home.
00:53:08
Yes. I can share a recipe. Elijah, reach out to me. What kind of protein are you using?
00:53:13
I'm using whey protein. Okay. It's like an... My brother knows these things, and I reached out to him, he told me, and I blindly agreed.
00:53:21
It's a chocolate-flavored protein. Fun fact, I run a stand-up comedy show in Los Angeles called Good Heroin at Stories, Books, and Cafe.
00:53:28
Excellent show. There's a man who comes regularly who's an ex-cop. Okay. He shows up on his motorcycle.
00:53:33
He's the oldest person who ever comes to Good Heroin. He's probably in his late 60s.
00:53:37
All right. He has started making it a habit of giving me hemp protein. Oh. About once a month he comes.
00:53:43
This is made entirely out of hemp. Hemp protein. I haven't touched it yet. I haven't used it yet.
00:53:49
Homemade? No. Well, I don't know. I haven asked him a ton of questions because I find it to be a little odd And if you listening he also this is a man he an ex he told me that I would make a great interrogator Oh interesting Which I don think I would I don know why
00:54:05
I mean, I think you'd be the good cop. I could be the good cop. I think I could warm people up, but I don't think I could break people down.
00:54:13
And this hemp protein is like bordering on lobster ravioli to me. It's like, ew, something's going to happen.
00:54:19
Yes, I worry I'm being poisoned. Is it like in a bag? It's just loose. He's pulling it out of his pockets like sand.
00:54:28
It just falls everywhere. I have to scoop it up. No, it's in a container, and it is branded, so it seems fine.
00:54:34
It's sealed. But it's the only time in my life I've been given hemp protein by a stranger, and so I'm a little wary of it.
00:54:42
That happens to me. CBD qualities? Is it just straight hemp? Maybe I just don't know enough, but that feels like a weird...
00:54:53
I should send it to Elijah, honestly, because he needs it. He needs a starter pack.
00:54:57
Yes. Get him a blender and some ham protein and get some meat on that boy. Maybe you could, you know, stop seeing him as a hobbit.
00:55:04
Yes. Okay, well, that's, look, I guess my final thing, I guess I'm giving old Elijah the leaf blower.
00:55:13
But I feel like a few years ago I read that he had bought a house in Austin or something.
00:55:17
Okay, so. You know, he's got a property, he's got to blow some leaves around. And, you know, by this time, that Lord of the Rings money has run away.
00:55:23
Oh, he's been living big the entire time. He's out. Yeah, he's got to, he can't afford for somebody to blow the leaves.
00:55:32
No. Or he could sell it on Craigslist. That's exactly, and now that's any gift. He's desperate for cash.
00:55:37
What was the last thing you sold on Craigslist? Last thing I sold on Craigslist, I tried to sell my bed.
00:55:45
Didn't work out. Your mattress? Months, the entire thing. Isn't it illegal to sell your mattress?
00:55:52
Oh, give me a break People are selling their mattresses If the feds want to bust my door down
00:55:58
Because I'm trying to sell a mattress Come get me Blow my brains out I tried to sell the bed
00:56:05
Got a few nibbles Nobody wanted It's a California king And I think I've told you this
00:56:10
And I almost just want to use this platform To tell people The California king is not the bed you want
00:56:16
No, you want a king You want a king California King sounds fancier and bigger It's longer
00:56:22
Longer Nobody needs a longer bed I'm 6'4 I don't even need the light Thank you You should be the spokesperson
00:56:27
I've been telling people All I need is a matchbox That's right You should be on the floor
00:56:32
A California King bed I guess unless you have like Nobody sleeps straight Lying straight
00:56:40
Everybody I mean most people I'm speaking now for everyone But I think we're kind of girls
00:56:44
This is a little judgmental Coming from you I sleep in a corpse position at one night. Oh, okay, but
00:56:50
you're on a king bed and you're fine? I'm fine. Okay, and then, unless you're seven feet tall, you don't
00:56:54
need the California king. That's exactly right. And you want the width, especially of a partner. The width is
00:56:58
a dream with a partner. You want the option to be close. You also want the option
00:57:02
to abandon them in the night. Yes. You want to forget that they even exist. You don't want to
00:57:06
feel them. You don't want to touch them. Yeah. Yes. You wake up the next day and you're like, oh, there was somebody else in the bed.
00:57:10
Wonderful. I'm alarmed. I had no idea. I'm calling the police. Yeah That's what I recently tried to sell
00:57:19
And it didn't work out But did you end up getting a new bed? No, I gave up So that's that
00:57:24
I'm just sleeping on that bed And probably will until I move or something Listeners, this is going to be an ongoing thing with Bridger
00:57:31
And I would encourage you to badger him He doesn't spend money on himself And he deserves to have a bed that he likes
00:57:39
So please You know, whatever Please write in Write in Please He will slip up and tell you his address one day.
00:57:47
I guarantee you that. And when he does, I want letters going to his house nonstop.
00:57:51
At some point, I'll get a new bed. But for now, I'm on the California King of Suffering.
00:57:55
All right. I'll let it go. Matt, we've come to the part of the podcast where we're going to try to help some listeners.
00:58:00
Okay. Look, I could call this gift bag. You could. Where it's a mailbag about gifts.
00:58:08
Okay. Why not call it, I said no questions. Okay. Where I'm getting, I want, you know, listeners have written in asking me, because I know a lot about gifts.
00:58:19
Yes. And just general advice, you know, I'm good at. People want to hear what they should give people for various things.
00:58:27
But you didn't want to do this segment. Of course I didn't. No, but. But I'm going to because.
00:58:32
People wrote in, it's the first podcast, and somehow. There's that little bit of me that wants to help.
00:58:37
Yes. And so I've gotten some letters, and I'm going to read them, and you're going to help me help others.
00:58:43
I'd be happy to. First up. Hi, Bridger. I have a hard time getting gifts for my wife.
00:58:49
Before she buys anything, she spends hours online learning about the product, reading about every possible competitor, and looking for the best deal.
00:58:56
I'm more of an impulse buyer and worry that my gifts won't seem thoughtful enough.
00:59:01
Can you give some advice? Thank you. Jordan in Denton. Denton, Texas. I know about Denton.
00:59:08
You're from Texas. I grew up in Texas. So you probably have some real powerful insight here.
00:59:12
I can help you, Jordan. I mean... You have two options here, in my opinion. One, you either completely submit to your wife and just get her things with a receipt,
00:59:21
knowing she will return it and get the thing she wants. Sure. And that will just be the way it goes with you, and you'll be sort of a boring couple,
00:59:27
and that's completely fine. That's fine. I mean, you can have other surprises. The other option you can do is you have to go completely outside of the box of the type of...
00:59:36
She asks for a gift, you cannot get her that gift. You have to get her something completely original that she did not ask for.
00:59:42
That way, it's not something that she can shop around for. It's just purely something...
00:59:46
Now, that's very difficult to do, though. Something that is like... Something she would want, but doesn't know that she wants.
00:59:51
Okay, sure. I mean the key word I see here is I more of an impulse buyer Which to me That worries me Okay you identified that about yourself Yes It time to move on when you buying gifts
01:00:05
Your wife has given you some very clear examples of how to buy things. She's going too far in the other direction.
01:00:13
Why not follow her lead and do a little research on your wife? Is this the way to go?
01:00:18
Because I found myself the other day, I needed some new socks. I found myself typing into Google
01:00:28
Best socks Best socks This is what's happening to all of us I typed in best men's socks
01:00:35
And I was suddenly looking at lists of socks And I felt a deep level of shame But I mean, I did buy
01:00:44
Did you find the best socks? One of the top pairs of socks Have you tried them? Yes, I love new socks
01:00:47
By the way, give me to yourself at any point Some new socks My sister signed me up for some sock club for a year
01:00:53
I'm still wearing them Incredible And I feel great in every pair New socks One of the best feelings
01:00:57
You can experience So I do I'm hesitant to tell him To just fully give in To this new culture
01:01:03
We have of Ratings And lists of Best everything Sure But I understand Where you're coming from
01:01:10
Let's just like Move a little bit away From the impulse Right Let's Just think of something
01:01:16
And I think A good gift Is something that's Maybe not that exciting But is like A high quality version
01:01:21
Of something the person wouldn't buy themselves. That's exactly right. Maybe it's just a shirt that she finds too expensive.
01:01:27
That's right. Or it's an experience. Which for Bridger, that would be an $11 t-shirt.
01:01:31
That would be an $11 t-shirt. Probably $10. But an experience is another thing most people won't buy for themselves.
01:01:39
That's exactly right. And even if it's not something they would want to do, it's a new thing, a memory you're
01:01:43
buying them. That's right. Maybe look into that, Jordan. Experiences are good. And I've read or I dreamt again.
01:01:50
And I can't tell if I read or articles anymore if they just kind of appear in my head as, you know, sort of remnants of a...
01:01:57
A vision of a past life. That's exactly right. But that people don't... That experiences are a much more valuable thing to have than an object.
01:02:07
Yes. That you have an object, it will lose its meaning very quickly. An experience, it's a memory.
01:02:13
You'll have an experience with someone. It sort of shifts who you are as a person in a subtle way.
01:02:17
Fully agreed. Jordan, look into some experiences Maybe a whitewater rafting trip
01:02:23
Take your wife to Arkansas She'll be shocked Is Arkansas how much of a drive from Denton?
01:02:29
Throw her in the car You're looking at, I'd say, a 15-20 hour drive Take the 20-hour drive to Arkansas
01:02:35
Just tell her you're going out to eat And suddenly you're on an extremely long trip to a state that you have no interest in
01:02:43
And you don't pull over for five hours But you're going to remember it By the time she says.
01:02:48
By the time you finally pull over, it's too late to turn back. Well into divorce proceedings.
01:02:53
Yes. Okay, moving on. Hello, Bridger, and I assume guest. They're probably talking about you.
01:03:00
I would assume. I'd love recommendations for gifts for gardeners. Any insights into upcoming gardening trends would also be great.
01:03:10
Thanks in advance. Elizabeth in Cornwall. We've got an international audience. In where?
01:03:16
Cornwall, England. Oh. Okay, I actually have a great gift for a gardener. I mean, this feels, I hope it's good because I feel like Cornwall, I mean, the English are all about a garden.
01:03:26
They love a garden. It's the garden country. That's kind of their main thing. They love roses.
01:03:31
Taking over countries and putting it into a beautiful garden. And God bless them for doing it.
01:03:36
Well, what are you thinking then? My girlfriend Hillary, we recently moved to a place and there's a garden, there's a couple garden plots there.
01:03:42
Sure. She's begun gardening. My mom, Peggy, who will. Everybody on the pod knows.
01:03:49
Yes. Peggy, she sent for my girlfriend's birthday a box of gardening stuff. Okay.
01:03:55
In that box, what I thought to be the most useful thing was a cushy pad that I believe you can buy.
01:04:02
Oh, I see where this is headed. And so when you kneel down, you have a pad for your knees, your aging knees, Margo.
01:04:09
Yes. Which I think Margo. Well, she's got the leaf blower. She's not getting on her knees.
01:04:13
Well, and you gave her surgery. so maybe she has brand new knees. That's true. Peggy does, by the way.
01:04:17
Both of her knees, mechanical or whatever, they're both replaced. Peggy, if you're listening, I'm thrilled about your knees.
01:04:22
Yes. This pad, I think it's a great gardening gift because, and I never would have thought of it,
01:04:27
but you can save your jeans. Maybe then you're not messing up your jeans. Okay, sure.
01:04:31
Why are you putting on your good jeans to garden? Well, you want to look stylish.
01:04:34
That's true. You don't want to be shamed in front of other gardeners. So that's a gardening gift that I can recommend.
01:04:41
That's a good gardening gift. And she likes it, yeah. This is what I'm going to say.
01:04:44
As someone who has killed every plant that's come into his apartment, I say get your gardening friend or whoever it is a high-risk plant,
01:04:54
something that they would never buy that could very well die, but it's a gamble for them because what if it doesn't die?
01:05:01
They've got a plant that they never would have bought themselves. But I would argue that you're giving them just a stressful something that they're going to witness
01:05:10
die in front of them slowly over a long period. You're looking at this in the wrong way.
01:05:14
I think you're saying to the person, you're up for the challenge, and your garden is ready to be new.
01:05:20
You're in England. Everything survives. That's true. I mean, if you're, you know, in Southern California in a north-facing apartment.
01:05:29
That's right. Just prepare for it to die and enjoy it while it's... I have been over to Bridger's apartment, but there's one that's hung on, right?
01:05:37
Look, I recently found a plant that I think was designed to be in malls. Yes. that lives with truly no care.
01:05:46
No water, no light. I can't remember what it's called. I would love to be able to recommend it to people,
01:05:50
but I think it's very good looking. And I also recently bought two rosemary bushes I was at Home Depot the other night Rosemary bushes Rosemary bushes They smell beautiful You put these inside No these are outside Okay These are out on my uh whatever the thing is hanging on the outside of my apartment
01:06:08
Trellis? No, it's a patio, or what do you call that? A balcony. What? Remind me what a trellis is.
01:06:14
A trellis is like a fence. Yes. It's like a thing for plants to grow on. Cut that out.
01:06:20
Don't, I don't want the listeners to know that I didn't know what a trellis was.
01:06:23
It's about to be canceled for not knowing what a trellis is. I promised myself by the end of this podcast you would be canceled.
01:06:31
That's the promise you made? Yes, I said, lure him in and cancel him. Okay, next up.
01:06:37
Dear Bridger, I have to get a gift for my brother-in-law. He hates, and now this person put things in quotes, he hates things.
01:06:44
And one time when I got him a book about World War I, he wasn't as excited as I thought he'd be.
01:06:49
Michelle in Los Angeles. That's all the information we have. Yeah, this guy, so he doesn't like material objects.
01:06:57
Is that what's happening here? Or is he just a jerk? But also, I'm just going to say right up front, Michelle, a World War I book, good lord.
01:07:05
That's a real bummer. That's a chore. Giving anybody a book is, you might as well.
01:07:11
It's a risk. Oh, yeah, you're giving them an assignment. Yeah, and you have to, it's happened to me before, I found myself reading books that somebody gave me and I resented them for it.
01:07:19
Of course. But I've also enjoyed, it's just a high risk gift. Yeah, you have to know everything about the person.
01:07:25
To me, I mean, not to shortchange you, Michelle, but we've already talked about this.
01:07:29
Give him an experience. He doesn't like things. White water rafting. White water rafting.
01:07:34
I think that's an experience. I mean, that's the only one that's coming to mind.
01:07:37
That's the kind of experience most people like. You're kidnapping. Or a trip to Arkansas.
01:07:43
That's right. Which from Los Angeles is, you're adding a few more hours. Maybe you throw him in the trunk of your car.
01:07:49
Okay. Take him white water rafting. That's two experiences in one. Oh, Whitewater, like, halfway to Arkansas.
01:07:55
Well, the first experience is being kidnapped in a truck. Yeah, of course. And the second experience is my daughter.
01:08:02
Michelle, give him an experience. Please stop giving people World War I books. That's all I can ask you.
01:08:08
If you gave me one of those, I'd go through the roof. I would go through the roof.
01:08:13
I'd burn it in front of you. I would, absolutely. I would tear each page out and drop it into a fire.
01:08:18
Okay, final question. I think we've been very helpful here, and hopefully we've knocked some sense into these idiots.
01:08:26
Bridger, and they didn't mention you, but I assume they also want advice from you.
01:08:30
I need to get a gift for my sister, who is almost 15 years younger than me. Okay.
01:08:37
What do girls her age want? Well, first of all, this is from Craig and Layton. Okay.
01:08:43
Layton, Utah. Okay. Craig, we don't know how old you are. Yeah, Craig, what? So, are you a fourth?
01:08:49
I think it's safe to assume you're any age. He's listening to a podcast. Yes. He's listening to a podcast.
01:08:57
Okay, I'm going to guess he's not in his 60s. He's not in his 60s. Let's say, let's ballpark it.
01:09:04
38. 38. No, let's say 30. Let's say a cool 30. So we can talk about what teens like.
01:09:12
So his parents made a mistake 15 years after. That feels like a huge gap. That's a big gap.
01:09:18
That person is almost not your sibling That's a new spouse or just Whoopsie daisy
01:09:24
I would look at that person as like a Is it a cousin? That's a cousin I think there should be like a legal thing
01:09:33
If somebody's that far apart from you as a sibling They become a cousin Because they've been raised in a whole new world
01:09:39
This is a 15 year old 15 year old girl Who has a brother who doesn't provide a lot of information
01:09:47
So that's, what sort of gift does she want? Does she want an experience? Does she want a 20-hour car ride with her 15-year-old?
01:09:56
I mean, her 15 years old What do teen girls like these days? Well, I recently, I have a friend who has a daughter around this age
01:10:07
Sure And I had a chance to speak with her And I often, when I'm speaking to a person of this age, I'm just quizzing them
01:10:13
I want to learn as much as possible Of course, just show me a peek into whatever's happening now
01:10:17
What are you thinking about? Because I'm lost. First of all, she was an egomaniac.
01:10:20
Didn't ask me a single question about myself. Well, that's a teenager. Yeah. Yes.
01:10:24
So, and I'm by far the more interesting person in the conversation. Of course. I had so much to offer her and she didn't want to hear any of it.
01:10:32
She told, she likes SoundCloud. SoundCloud. Okay. Not a gift. I guess you can subscribe to it or something.
01:10:39
Yeah, it might. I actually think SoundCloud is free. So maybe a concert. Okay. Actually.
01:10:46
A concert experience. A concert isn't a bad gift. It's a little bit of a risk because...
01:10:50
Kind of an assignment. You need to know, you need to do some research on who she's into.
01:10:55
Yes. But getting her, depending on how much you want to spend, like if it was, let's say she's into Billie Eilish, okay?
01:11:01
These days, I'm sure Billie Eilish tickets are going for a lot of money. That's at least $100.
01:11:05
That's at least $100. So that's not a bad gift to get her because it's something that she might not do herself, but she'll certainly enjoy.
01:11:10
Is she going to end up on drugs at the Billie Eilish concert? Listen, Bridget. I feel like that's Billie's brand.
01:11:15
I think that's just what's happening. Whether she's at a Billie Eilish concert or not, I think this 15-year-old girl is doing drugs.
01:11:22
She's probably on hard drugs. I'd recommend... Maybe she needs help. So maybe Billie Eilish concert or rehab.
01:11:30
Okay, so maybe... That could be the experience. Or you say, hey, get in the car, we're going to Billie.
01:11:36
We're going to see Billie. Just kidding, we're going to rehab in Arkansas. And they do whitewater rafting.
01:11:42
Yeah, of course. I feel like that is a rehab experience. I think so I don't know
01:11:46
And for teens That's something that would help them Get off drugs Yeah Okay well
01:11:50
I don't know I think we've been Mostly helpful here I think we've done a lot of good work here
01:11:54
You're welcome I mean If all Else fails Buy a gift card Which I think have been Kind of unfairly maligned in recent years.
01:12:02
I like getting a gift card. I don't mind a gift card at all. I value them more than money.
01:12:06
Yes. I'm not kidding. You give me a gift card, it's going to be probably a year before I actually use it,
01:12:11
because I'm thinking about what I should buy with it. Because you have to make it count.
01:12:14
Yeah. Now, if you get a gift card, let's say you get a $25 gift card to The Gap.
01:12:19
The Gap. Your favorite store. What would you then consider a more expensive t-shirt?
01:12:25
At The Gap? I mean, I can tell you right now, no, because The Gap makes boxy t-shirts.
01:12:31
Oh. At The Gap, I would get socks. Yes. A belt. That's right, a belt. Maybe like a beanie.
01:12:39
Yes. I don't think I've ever seen you in a beanie. Well, no one ever will. The Gap, again, if you're listening, corporations, The Gap, you need to narrow the t-shirts down a little bit.
01:12:51
It's a little like, who is this for? I know. I don't know. And it's the Old Navy curse of just like this is built for someone who is a rectangle or something.
01:13:01
And listen, no offense to the people out there who are shaped like rectangles. Of course.
01:13:05
I'm not trying to body shame anybody. I mean, if you're a literal rectangle, actually seek surgery.
01:13:12
I would just I would counsel you to know that you are loved despite what this maniac across.
01:13:18
If I ever come across a rectangle shaped person, there's going to be hell to pay.
01:13:23
I'm going to give him a hug. I don't know if I'll be able to reach all the way around.
01:13:26
I hope I get to him before you do. Okay. Because these rectangle freaks are out there.
01:13:33
You know who's canceled now. You come on your own podcast. I'll cancel myself. All right.
01:13:40
Bridger Weineger is canceled. Matt, God bless. God bless you. I'm in your t-shirt.
01:13:45
I'm so cozy. An absolute honor. I forgot that you are wearing the t Well of course I doing it very natural You got topless on your first podcast Yeah people are thinking about my body in all kinds of ways on this podcast and that fine Well I think that the end of the show
01:14:00
I'm honored to be here, Bridger. I said no gifts. You brought a gift, and we ended up talking about it, and so much more.
01:14:06
This is how life goes. All right, well, I hope you have a nice rest of your washing the dishes, if you've been doing it for an hour and a half.
01:14:15
Yes. I might have lost your mind. Put the dishes away right when it's done. You'll feel better about yourself.
01:14:20
Okay. I've got to eat dinner. I am very... I ate a blueberry muffin before I came, but it's wearing off.
01:14:25
I had a taco. All right. I Said No Gifts is an exactly right production. It's engineered by Earth Angel Stephen Ray Morris.
01:14:33
The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann. You can follow the show on Instagram and Twitter at I Said No Gifts.
01:14:40
And if you have a question or need help getting a gift for someone in your life,
01:14:44
email me at isaidnogifts at gmail.com. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you found me.
01:14:53
And why not leave a review while you're at it? When I invited you here I thought I made myself perfectly clear
01:15:04
When you're a guest in my home You gotta come to me empty-handed I said no gifts, your presence is presence enough
01:15:19
And I already had too much stuff So how do you dare disobey me? Thank you.