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My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal

April 28, 2020 /

This episode of Bananas features hosts Kurt Braunohler and Scotty Landis with guest Kristen Schaal. They discuss bizarre news stories, including a man found with 21 live pigeons in his pants, a researcher with jars of human tongues, and a duck that had its penis removed due to excessive mating. The conversation also touches on personal anecdotes and humorous commentary about their lives.

Kurt and Scotty kick off the episode by introducing the absurd news story of a man in Baltimore who was discovered with 21 live pigeons stuffed in his pants. They share details about the man's theft of the pigeons and reflect on the oddities of life in Baltimore.

The discussion shifts to a story about Ronald Bogman, a researcher at the University of Florida, who had jars of human tongues in his crawl space. The hosts speculate on the implications of this discovery and share their thoughts on the bizarre nature of the story.

Next, they share the tale of a duck named Dave, who had to undergo surgery to remove his penis due to an insatiable sex drive. The hosts humorously analyze the situation and the nature of animal behavior.

The episode concludes with a lighthearted discussion about an Uber driver who took his passengers on a wild chase after a hit-and-run incident, highlighting the absurdity of everyday life and the unpredictability of their experiences.

TLDR

Kurt Braunohler and Scotty Landis discuss bizarre news with Kristen Schaal, including a man with pigeons in his pants and a duck's surgery.

Episode

54:57
00:00:00
Okay, everybody get ready because we you guys are about to hear the very first episode of our newest Exactly Right podcast, Bananas.
00:00:08
It's hosted by our good friends, comedians Kurt Braunhler and Scotty Landis. So each week, Kurt and Scotty are going to bring you the most absurd, shocking or fascinating news from around the world.
00:00:18
And all these stories are absolutely true, but they're just weird enough that they're going to make you go.
00:00:23
That's bananas. So take a listen right now to the first episode with guest Kristen Schaal.
00:00:28
And then you can go to the Bananas feed directly and you can hear episode two with me, Georgia Hardestark.
00:00:33
That's out right now. And then please subscribe and listen on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen and follow the show on Instagram at The Bananas Podcast.
00:00:44
Enjoy. Goodbye. Enjoy. Hey, guys, thanks for listening to Bananas. Just a quick disclaimer in that this episode was recorded before the world ended.
00:00:55
So if it seems like we're talking about going out and touching other human beings,
00:01:00
know that this was in an earlier, more innocent time. We didn't know how bad it was going to be, but Chris and Charles are guests,
00:01:06
and we actually have a wonderful conversation and a really fun time. Something that we want to do on the show is actually be positive and not bring you down.
00:01:13
So we hope everybody out there is safe and healthy. We hope you have stocked wipes and toilet paper and food.
00:01:21
And enjoy this first episode of Bananas. Bananas. Today on Bananas, man walking oddly found to have 21 live pigeons in pants.
00:01:34
Yeah, that's Bananas. If I said something that flipped your world on its head, would you believe me?
00:01:44
If I did throw your mind to a zillion pieces Would you believe me? Driving me bananas, baby
00:01:56
Bananas, banana, banana Driving me bananas, baby Bananas, banana, banana Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Bananas
00:02:04
The podcast You can laugh, Kristen You're allowed to laugh You can laugh, Kristen
00:02:09
It's a comedy This is Kurt Brunner, that's Scotty Landis This is our first episode ever
00:02:13
And we have with us... My name's Kristen Schaal, but I really just want you two to build up the show together as a team before you bring me in, since it's your show, not mine.
00:02:23
You're so upset. You have so many shows, I figure you're too busy. You had to come from one of your TV shows.
00:02:28
That's true. I saw your billboard today for My Spy. I saw your name up there on Hollywood Boulevard.
00:02:33
That's right. And name above the title. Yes. Name above the title. Top billing. Next to the nine-year-old.
00:02:41
That's the first one. That's your first name above title, isn't it? Maybe. That's a very big deal.
00:02:47
Congratulations. Well, thank you very much. Maybe we'll all go see it. Let's go see it together.
00:02:51
I want to see it at least twice. We saw Ma in the theater. Yeah. Were you there?
00:02:55
I saw it at the premiere. Oh, you got invited to the premiere. Yeah. Let's go to the premiere of this.
00:03:01
Yeah, I don't think there's going to be one. Oh, no. Yeah, that's a fun movie. Of having a premiere.
00:03:08
I mean it. I've been asking a few times. I don't think it's getting a premiere. I don't know why.
00:03:13
It's good. I've seen it. Wait, wait. And what's the name of the movie so everyone knows to go see it?
00:03:18
It's called My Spy. It comes out March 13th. When does this podcast come out? April 21st.
00:03:23
Yeah. Maybe it'll still be in theaters. It probably will. It probably will. That's how it works these days.
00:03:28
Movies just last and last and last. It's a real easy landscape right now for movies.
00:03:34
But it's good. I liked it. Oh, good. Well, Kristen has known Scotty and I for many, many years.
00:03:42
You and I have been doing a show together for 15 years. Right. 15 years on Monday.
00:03:46
I know. And your birthday is on Saturday. My birthday is on Saturday as well. What do you want for your birthday?
00:03:51
Where's my present? You didn't give me my birthday present yet. It's very difficult to make.
00:03:55
I'm still working on making your present. It's kombucha. And it's delicious. But it's got alcohol in it.
00:04:01
It's booze, butcha. Well, okay. Because I haven't gotten you anything. And then if you got me a level of a gift that I would have to match.
00:04:11
We'll wait until I give you the level of the gift and then you'll have to match it.
00:04:15
We'll wait. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. So, just so. I mean, this is going to be. We're going to get to our strange and wonderful news.
00:04:22
But before we do, just so people know how Kristen knows Scotty and I. Scotty, how did you come into our lives?
00:04:30
I was working on a TV show called Stella. I was in the sound department and an actress named Andrea Rosen said, you have to come to the show.
00:04:37
It's called Hot Tub. And it was one of your first five hot tubs, maybe. That we performed to maybe 30 people.
00:04:44
And I sat in the front row and I thought you guys were so good. I actually went up and introduced myself to Kristen.
00:04:50
And she thought I was a homosexual because I was there with another friend. And we were very positive.
00:04:55
I assume everybody's gay. Just like everyone assumes everybody's straight. I'm only surprised when I find out they're straight.
00:05:02
Yep. And I thought about that. I got on the F train, wrote it to Coney Island, wrote it back out to Queens.
00:05:07
I had a long night of just self-reflection. And I said, I want to work with these two.
00:05:11
And then I was working for Red Bull and Kurt was hired to teach improv to Salesforce.
00:05:16
That is the weirdest job I've ever had. Yeah. And so he did. And I was like, you're that guy from that show.
00:05:21
And then I think I just attended probably like, I don't know, five years of hot tubs in a row.
00:05:26
You were our biggest fan. Yeah. And that's that. And then, you know. And you would write sketches that we would do.
00:05:31
Yeah, that was nice. Scotty's a writer. Scotty's a writer. He wrote the movie Ma.
00:05:36
I did. Yeah, and many more movies that are about to come out. That's fine. Until he wrote on the Workaholics.
00:05:42
Jeez, yes. Like for how many years? Four years on Workaholics. And you're sort of Adam Devine's best man.
00:05:50
Yeah, I'm his best man. Do you think he'll be his best man at his wedding? I won't be his best man at his wedding.
00:05:55
Ooh that tough He definitely is in a troupe of three good buddies of his I would call it four with Scotty And I would think that Scotty has his back more than they do
00:06:05
Wow. Do you hear that? I am the person that gets invited to weddings because people just know I'm going to dance and drink and have fun.
00:06:14
And I think that everybody's like, he's coming. I think there's no doubt. I don't need any honors.
00:06:19
I don't need to be in the wedding. I don't need to be an usher. It's just like, oh, he's coming.
00:06:23
He is always the first person to respond to an invite saying, I'll be there. Yeah, that's not a question.
00:06:29
Adam Devine is not like, oh, he won't come unless they make him my best man. But I just think if he doesn't, you should be insulted to your core.
00:06:38
Yeah, I've already started to put some feelers out for Blake to see if he needs a movie writer or a TV writer.
00:06:46
Move on. Yeah. Anyway, Scotty, that being said, the reason that Adam Devine doesn't deserve you.
00:06:52
Of course he does. If you're not his best man, is that you are a very loyal, wonderful friend.
00:06:58
That's nice. Thank you. Scotty's one of those people who can be super busy and you're super busy, but he'll always reach out to hang out.
00:07:06
That's true. I remember when my mom was sick, Scotty sent her not one, not two, but three cards in the mail that were all very funny and she enjoyed them.
00:07:18
That's nice. And I also sent your mom stuff. I think you did. You sent a big thing of food, and it was delicious.
00:07:24
It was very helpful. Did she like it? Did Barbara say anything about the food? You know, she couldn't eat at that point.
00:07:29
What? Yeah, yeah, she couldn't eat. A little late on the food. Oh, yeah. A little late.
00:07:33
Maybe not the best choice. If you could have gotten to her when she could still eat, that would have been a great idea.
00:07:37
Yeah, but you were a little late. Yeah, a little late. But, you know, she... Yeah, too bad.
00:07:43
But the orderlies loved it. The hospice nurses couldn't get enough. Great choice.
00:07:47
Watermelon roll from Friendly's. Very funny. when my next mom dies I hope you'll be more on the ball
00:07:53
you better not be talking about Gretchen oh my god no I am not I'm talking about an imaginary mom that doesn't exist
00:08:00
okay yes no I'm not talking about you can't lose her oh god I can't believe take that part out of the podcast
00:08:07
what is wrong with you snip snip yeah what is wrong with you Kurt so you know Scotty brought
00:08:14
we still haven't gotten to what this podcast is about but Scotty brought a bottle of Moet and would you do
00:08:20
the honors? Sure, I brought a little Moet champagne to Kristen this. To Kristen this. To Kristen this. Thanks
00:08:26
for doing our first episode. I mean it's just like a reason to get to talk to my friends. I know, right? It's so great.
00:08:32
And to talk about weird news. While he does that, I'm going to tell you this story about
00:08:36
a man walking oddly found to have 21 live pigeons in his pants. First and foremost takes place, oh this
00:08:44
is from the Los Angeles Times. There we go. And And it is not credited to a writer.
00:08:52
So it must just be staff. It's an Associated Press article. There we go. This is, of course, in Baltimore.
00:08:59
Police officer stopped a man who was walking oddly down the street with bulging pants and found that he had 21 live homing pigeons stuffed in his clothes.
00:09:08
Thomas Waddell, 25, was charged Tuesday with stealing 30 homing pigeons valued at $300 from a neighbor, John Styron.
00:09:15
he was also charged with stealing 40 homing pigeons worth $2,400 late Monday from a different guy
00:09:23
he's just going around stealing pigeons and putting them in his pants I have two connections to this story
00:09:31
one, I went to the Magic Castle once and I saw a magician on the main stage who came out and he was doing his act and everything
00:09:40
and his big reveal involved birds but during the show you could just see pigeons poking out through his shirt oh god and they like
00:09:53
just kept moving around and at first i was like what's wrong good is this guy wrong with his body
00:09:58
do you know what i mean yeah and then finally like like a beak would come through like like just
00:10:03
where between two buttons on his like dress-up shirt and i just started feeling so bad not only
00:10:08
for him but also for the pigeons and also for magic in general yeah and then finally he did
00:10:14
his big reveal and like literally 10 or 15 pigeons he kept producing them from different places but
00:10:20
they were all just in his clothes for like a 45 minute long show like just pecking him and walking
00:10:27
around it was it made me feel bad for the oh cheers by the way cheers we're gonna do a quick cheers
00:10:33
there we go we did it champagne bananas bananas at 2 30 p.m and what you want to do is drink
00:10:41
champagne, the bubbliest, most carbonated of champagnes. Right before your... And just constantly belch at each other
00:10:48
in a small room, surrounded by nice people who wish... This is my favorite time to have a drink.
00:10:52
There we go. There it is, because you like... I like to have a drink in the afternoon
00:10:56
and I like to go to bed early. Yep, parent life. And then the other part of the connection that I have to this story
00:11:04
is from living in Baltimore. Just the weirdest city, I think, across the across the country. Yes. We've talked about this too because I'm from Maryland and when we were in
00:11:15
high school, we would ride our bikes through the city and get chased constantly. It's amazing. Our
00:11:19
parents let us do it. And the things people would yell at you were never like, give me money,
00:11:26
I'm going to kill you, anything like that. They would say the most confusing things and there's
00:11:30
always math involved. They'll go, hey man, can I talk to you for 12 minutes? And then you'll be
00:11:35
like, no. And you'll start riding away and they go, listen, I need 45 cents. I got to go six blocks
00:11:39
down the street i already have three dollars and 16 cents what i need is and they start listing
00:11:44
numbers and it's the most confusing thing it'll be like um i think you told me once a guy was like
00:11:50
go take a hundred steps or something no no this guy well that was when i got mugged in multimore
00:11:54
but no i remember once it was and i don know why this is a thing but it is there always like math involved A guy came up to me and was like this is here the deal I left my car parked three blocks away
00:12:06
Already math. It is – in the trunk of it is a vacuum cleaner that I'm going to sell for $25.
00:12:13
Math. However, I need to, like, take a bus to the place where I can sell the thing.
00:12:19
So once I sell it, I'll have $28. And it, like – and it just kept ratcheting up.
00:12:23
But it all involved like an enterprising amount of capitalism. Yeah. I'm involved with like selling this vacuum cleaner.
00:12:29
But his child, but his like daughter was sitting in the car. And so he couldn't leave the car even though he had walked three blocks away from the car already.
00:12:35
And he just need – and the whole point. But you're there for like ten full minutes before you're like, what are we doing?
00:12:41
Yeah. It's like some Darren Brown stuff. It's like he's doing mentalist things to you and you're like, I guess I'd rather just give this person $5 than ever hear another number again for the rest of my life.
00:12:50
Yeah. But also you were saying the Magic Castle. I went and saw, they have, for those that don't know, it's like the main member club of magicians in the world.
00:12:59
I don't think there's anything else like that one in LA. Kristen is a member. That's up for debate.
00:13:05
Really? There was one drunk visit where... Very drunk visit. Yeah. And as we were leaving, the daughter of the owners, so I guess she's the owner, was like, you're a member.
00:13:17
But it didn't hold. You've never tested it. I'm pretty sure it's not real. That was the time I swallowed a quarter to impress someone.
00:13:25
Yeah. I did a quote-unquote magic trick where I threw a quarter in my mouth, and then I was like, it's gone.
00:13:30
And then Chris was like, did you just swallow that quarter? Yeah. And I said no for a long time.
00:13:37
And then you're like, well, where did it go? And then I was like, I swallowed the quarter.
00:13:40
And did not win any friends. Did not win any friends. I was trying to impress a comedian who I wish were still not friends.
00:13:48
Let's say who it is. It was Brad Neely. Brad Neely would be so endeared. Yeah. Brad Neely, who makes very funny things.
00:13:56
I find magic, like at the Magic Castle, when it's really dramatic, I cannot stop laughing.
00:14:02
There is one guy, and he is the best at birds, relating this back to the story, and he comes
00:14:08
out dressed like Morpheus, and he's got leather jacket and this thing, and his music's very
00:14:12
house and trance and really heavy bass music, and he just produces so many birds and so
00:14:18
many different types of birds that i was laughing non-stop it was like because magic i guess it's
00:14:25
similar to art or comedy where you look ahead and you go i want this visual to happen and i have to
00:14:30
manufacture i have to trick people into it so he was picturing himself pulling these birds out of
00:14:35
just various places on his body and in his mind he's like yes i can figure this out i just need
00:14:40
the birds and now he's number one in the world is he the number one magician a number one bird guy
00:14:46
Oh, he's the number one bird magician. Oh, man, I love that there's bird magicians.
00:14:50
Like, that's a specific thing. Imagine if there was, like, bird comedy, and you're, like, the number one bird comedian.
00:14:56
Only jokes about birds. Not a bad idea. You could totally corner that market. I could totally.
00:15:00
I really could. You could write bird jokes right now. I have so many already. Well, Jim Gaffigan kind of did that with cake.
00:15:06
Yes, and bacon. Or bacon. Yeah, bacon was his main thing. Yeah, Hot Pockets. It was mostly food.
00:15:11
Hot Pockets. Oh, it was Hot Pockets, yes. It's very funny. Do you want to hear a story?
00:15:15
I do This is a real story This is according to WCGB Which is out of Florida Oh, not surprised
00:15:25
Yep It's funny because we are Kurt and I are even discussing bananas We were like, we can't just do Florida stories
00:15:33
And we're discovering that other states Are starting to catch up Like Michigan's really good
00:15:39
Louisiana's always wild Mississippi's always wild This one kind of This is a good one
00:15:45
So police in Florida are investigating a gruesome discovery of jars of tongues in a crawl space in a home.
00:15:51
I'm sure they're just cow's tongues. Thank you. These are human tongues. Oh, my God.
00:15:56
And they are owned by a guy named Ronald Bogman. And he is. That sounds like such a guy who would have tongues in his house.
00:16:02
Yes. So he's in Gainesville. I'm Mr. Bogman. Yes. And you're like, okay, Ronald.
00:16:06
You're like, Ron, Ronnie. So he was a researcher at University of Florida. And some of the jars date back to the 1960s.
00:16:14
so um they're looking into the tongues because for basically the last two decades he's been
00:16:20
bringing these tongues home as part of his research cadavers yes uh or yes from cadavers
00:16:26
we hope um but he is currently a professor at the university but uh they don't know why this
00:16:32
guy is stashing them in the crawl space above in his home that's wow how many um let me look up i
00:16:40
believe it was 20. Is he trying to learn how to speak in tongues? Thank you. Thank you. She's the number one
00:16:48
tongue comic in the world. How did they find out about it? Did someone hear some licking coming from up
00:16:54
above? Thank you. Okay. It's just a taste of the comedy. One, two, three. He was expanding his palate.
00:17:04
Okay. I love having fun with my buds. I don't know, but it's a... I'm trying to look and see what it is.
00:17:15
But this guy's like a really... I think he's just stashing them. I think that he just collects them and probably doesn't want to creep out people that come over to his house.
00:17:22
But it is very strange. Yeah, I mean, he might just take them all down when he's alone and kind of like put them around him and just be like, you know, now I got a bunch of tongues.
00:17:31
Is he in trouble for it? That's a great question. Is it illegal to take a tongue from a cadaver?
00:17:35
It's not his personal property. Right, I think he's like taking them from the university.
00:17:38
When I got my teeth knocked out, I wanted to keep my teeth. Tell us about that story.
00:17:44
How did you get them knocked out, Kristen? I like wine, and I went up to a wine country to be safe, rented a bike.
00:17:55
And then I fell off it Right onto your face Just didn put your hands out I wear your helmet Didn put your hands out I broke the fall with my face and when I opened my eyes
00:18:06
I had to pull blood in them. Three teeth. It doesn't matter. But I wanted to keep those teeth.
00:18:11
Sure. Yeah. And the dentist said I couldn't, because it's basically like a cadaver part.
00:18:16
It belongs to the state. Oh, weird. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't know that. Your teeth immediately belong to the state
00:18:22
once they hit the pavement? I don't know. That doesn't seem... I like this theory.
00:18:27
It sounds like this guy wanted to keep your fucking teeth in a jar above his bed in a crawl space.
00:18:35
That's weird. I don't think that that's true at all, that it becomes part of the state.
00:18:38
I don't know. That is really strange. But this dude's got your teeth somewhere. Yeah, this dude's got your teeth.
00:18:43
I think you threw them away at this point. You think so? Maybe. I don't know. We don't need to...
00:18:46
Oh, you know what? We should eBay Kristen Schaal teeth. Well, here's the thing, because you could grind up those teeth and use them as bone density for other injuries.
00:18:55
That's nice. No. I'm going back to tongue. Yeah, back to tongue. But I remember when you had that, and then you got three, before you got your permanence in, you had just this thing where you could just remove all three of your front teeth.
00:19:11
It was the best. Yeah, my flipper. It was so funny. It was fun. And I and I was about to shoot and I shot two, three, two or three episodes of Last Man on Earth before I got my permanent teeth.
00:19:26
So I was working with that and I I showed Will and I was like, I think we should put this.
00:19:32
Yeah. Like before you have to get your real teeth in and film make love. She's like one one more thing and she pops him out.
00:19:40
and that's what his life is. Didn't. Yeah, I didn't see that. I didn't see it either.
00:19:49
It was funny because at first when you showed me that, I was like, Kristen looks like white trash,
00:19:54
which I never thought. And then I was hanging out for another half hour. I was like, no, she looks like a four-year-old.
00:20:00
It looked like a kid without. It was so fun to watch you drinking at that point.
00:20:04
I was like, look at this toddler getting drunk. That's the thing. It gives you instant youth.
00:20:09
Yes. So if I feel myself getting old, I'm going to get these implants out. Yeah, yeah, just get them removed.
00:20:14
They can unscrew them, right? Yeah, you can get them out. That's what Ed Holmes did for The Hangover.
00:20:20
Oh, really? I think there's one of the movies, he's missing a tooth. Yes, Hangover.
00:20:23
He just unscrewed his implant. Oh, really? Yeah. That's like legit. I always thought that that was an effect.
00:20:31
No. Oh, wow. So for all you TV or movie. Aspiring actors. Producers, I can take out my teeth if you need me to.
00:20:41
So that's one more. If you want a real weird look, we can give it to you. I can do it for pretty cheap.
00:20:47
You don't have to get there early in the makeup chair or anything. Kristen, do you want another story?
00:20:52
Yes, please. All right. But going back to the tongue guy. Yeah. So is he under arrest?
00:20:59
I think he was under arrest, yeah. So there is an investigation into why he has these tongues.
00:21:04
But they don't know yet. They don't know, and when they find out, I mean, I thought you were going to launch into a different Crawl Space story when I saw this one.
00:21:15
Oh, it's fun about the pies? Yeah. I thought for sure, but... I mean, should I tell the story?
00:21:20
Do you want me to tell the story? I mean, this is the first one. I think you've got to bring out the hits so people will want to listen to the second one.
00:21:27
All right. So I discovered masturbation when I was 12 years old. Of course. That's late.
00:21:33
Is it late? I was whacking off at least four. You are the most creative masturbator I have ever heard of in my entire life.
00:21:40
You would tell me about hour-long jerk-off trips that you would go on in your bedroom.
00:21:46
I was always fascinated. Yeah. If you really go there. She has a great imagination.
00:21:51
Famously. Well, it's relaxing. It's relaxing. And if you have a vibrator, it's just like there's not a lot of work involved.
00:21:57
Yeah. It's just there. I've got to get a vibrator. Yeah, you do. You do. Cool. Oh, well, yeah, 12 years old.
00:22:04
And also, what? You have a question? I don't have one. I'm listening to your story.
00:22:10
I'm surprised that you started masturbating earlier than 12, especially Colorado on a farm and everything.
00:22:15
No, I think girls discover their bodies earlier. You think so? I know so. Oh. Thank you.
00:22:22
You know so. But that's another story. That's another story. Anyway, I discovered, it's a long story, and I'll shorten it as much as I can.
00:22:31
I discovered masturbation at age 12 while eating McDonald's apple pie and taking a shit.
00:22:39
Well, that detail wasn't. That is part of the story. You asked for this story, and now you're going to shame, body shame me?
00:22:49
No, it's not body shame. It's eating shame. Well, that was a classy move on my part.
00:22:55
You had to take a shit, but you didn't want to stop eating your McDonald's. I polished off some sweet Mickey D's and then retired to the commode with just a hot steaming hot apple pie.
00:23:04
Why wouldn't you just take a minute to take your poop and then enjoy your pie without the poop fumes coming up mixing with that with the cherry?
00:23:14
I don't know. I was 12. I was in a rush. Yeah. Yeah. What were you in a rush for?
00:23:18
I don't know. But I mean, maybe television was starting soon. OK. You know, so anyway.
00:23:25
And also I was like 12. I didn't know. I knew that sex was a thing, but I didn't know what it was.
00:23:30
I recently just found my uncle's Playboys and cut just the breasts out of every photograph.
00:23:36
Yeah, normal. And then taped them to my wall underneath a poster that was a photograph of myself at age five that said wanted dead or alive.
00:23:44
And then I would charge children in the neighborhood a quarter to stare at this sea of disembodied breasts.
00:23:49
Realizing early on that breasts without women are very disturbing. A quarter? A quarter, yes.
00:23:54
You wanted to make some money. Yeah, I mean, like, it was kid time, you know, so it was like, what are these 12 years old?
00:24:00
12 year olds have access to I guess it's a quarter and so then yeah so I was taking a shit
00:24:06
and I was eating this pie I mean that's like people take a shit now and look at their iPhones
00:24:10
but you ate pies I was eating pies and it was just like a sleeve of pie you know
00:24:16
similar shape and you know embarrassing enough just the whole get it out but put it in
00:24:27
it was essentially making my body like a reverse human straw really um and then i got a boner as you want to do when you're 12
00:24:35
and eating and chitting um you get a boner while you're taking a poop i guess so when i was 12
00:24:41
because like boners just you know they show up unexpected when you're 12 yeah just like are we
00:24:46
having sex yet no oh i'm still sticking around you know uh and so then this was like the eureka
00:24:52
moment where i just flipped it pie upside down and stuck my dick in it and uh it was a bit too
00:24:57
hot at first i did burn the tip of my penis a little bit but it felt too good i kept going
00:25:01
and uh here's where it gets weird kristin uh for the it was weird for me oh really totally normal
00:25:08
okay 100 for the next six months i thought this was the only way you could masturbate
00:25:15
so i became obsessed with going to mcdonald's i would always be like no mom we have got to go to
00:25:20
mcdonald's today and then i would run upstairs jerk off into these pies and then throw their
00:25:26
corpses into the eaves of my attic where I'm sure they're still there to this day.
00:25:30
Wow. Because that was filled with preservatives. I mean, so many. And we sold that house like 20 years ago.
00:25:35
Yeah. So that family has a real weird raccoon problem now. Probably some raccoon-curt offspring.
00:25:44
And on that story, let's take a break. Yeah, let's take a break. For what? For ads or just music.
00:25:50
Oh, you guys think you're going to get ads? Let you choose. Gather around. Let's hear the news.
00:25:59
Oh, oh, oh, oh. A great story you've ever heard from all the way around the world.
00:26:07
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Driving me bananas, baby. Bananas, banana, banana. Driving me bananas, baby.
00:26:18
Bananas, banana, banana. And we're back. Kristen, you want to hear a story? Oh, absolutely.
00:26:25
I love stories. Duck. This is from the New York Post. This is duck has traumatized.
00:26:32
Duck has traumatized penis removed after nonstop sex. OK. I'm in. This is a UK based duck who was forced to have his penis surgically removed after it became infected due to his insatiable sex drive.
00:26:49
The duck's name is Dave. Sure. Dave's owner, Josh Watson of Torquay, Devin? What's Torquay?
00:26:57
Torquay? I don't know. I don't know. It's a place in the UK. Yeah, in the UK. Torquay.
00:27:02
Torquay. Torquay. Said his nymphomaniac pet would mate with his female companions, Dora, Edith, and Freda,
00:27:08
between five and ten times a day, even when it wasn't mating season. And it got to the point where his threesome partners would wander off during sex
00:27:17
and even peck at his pecker to ward off unwanted advances. This guy. Ultimately, the horny Drake.
00:27:24
Time's up. A.K.A. Don't keep him alive. No, Doc. Oh, no, he's still alive. That's the weirdest part, is that they just decided to cut this duck's dick off
00:27:33
instead of just killing the duck. That's torture. That's torture. And also, duck's dicks are weird.
00:27:38
They're like that corkscrew shape. Yeah. Remember? I do remember from my time watching Duck's Fuck.
00:27:43
Yeah. Look at that. Who wants wine, you know? Let's get into it But I mean It's fine also
00:27:53
I mean I think that they said like all duck All duck sex is like incredibly inherently
00:27:58
Violent as well because of the corkscrew Shape of the penis So maybe cut all the duck's dicks off
00:28:04
I don't know Oh well you said it not me Peeta I said give him a second one I'm pro sex pro forward pro everything
00:28:14
That's I had a boss that had a duck as a pet. He had a dog and a duck. And at the Christmas party.
00:28:20
Wait, a duck like in an apartment? Well, no, it was a house. And he had like a backyard.
00:28:24
And they had like a little koi pond. And I lived in Maryland. I was over there. And I was like, oh, there's a duck in his yard.
00:28:30
He's like, yeah, we found the egg. And we incubated it. And this duck hatched. We thought it was a swan or something.
00:28:36
And it was just like a mallard. I mean, like, wait, what job is this? Because he's your boss.
00:28:40
What job? He owned a chain of bike shops called Bike Doctor. There are probably like seven or more.
00:28:46
And he was the main dude. He was the original founder. And then he franchised him out.
00:28:51
And so I was 16. And I was excited to party. And it was all adults. And then I saw a duck and a dog.
00:28:56
They were like best friends in the backyard. And I thought, this is great. And they're like, yeah, they're like friends.
00:29:00
They hang out. And then I went back there for a spring party. And I'm like, where's the duck?
00:29:04
And they're like, oh, the dog killed the duck and ate it. And I was like, yeah, this was coming.
00:29:07
Like, we should have seen this coming. It was a problem. But great spring rolls.
00:29:13
I love that guy. I love, like, just imagine finding an egg and then going to, I'm going to keep this egg warm just to find out what's inside of it.
00:29:24
Yeah. Like, he could have just been heating up an egg that you could eat. It could have been a dinosaur in there.
00:29:30
I think there's a mail order company in this. I think we should start mailing. You can order a random egg.
00:29:35
You don't know what it is. It's $10. And then he sends you a little blanket and a little red light.
00:29:39
And you just incubate it. And then you have to raise whatever comes out. Rattlesnake.
00:29:44
People love surprises of live animals. Kristen and I. Kristen would have done it.
00:29:51
You would have done that if you were 12, if you could just order an egg and raise it.
00:29:54
Oh, 100%. I think we would chicks would we watch chicks be born under a warm light for like a science experiment in school maybe Yeah it puts Kinder surprise to shame This is a real surprise
00:30:05
This is a real egg surprise. I'm going to look into it. Remember when we used to, when we started Hot Tub, we had animal races every show.
00:30:13
We would race a different animal. Do you remember the animals that we got? Crawdads.
00:30:19
We had crawdads. We had sandworms. Yeah, they were insects mostly. Cockroaches. I think we had hermit crabs.
00:30:26
Hermit crabs. They were all exoskeletons. I don't think we got any real mammals.
00:30:33
No. But then I think the sandworms escaped, and I think they still live in the theater there.
00:30:39
Oh, is it even a theater? Oh, I don't know. Did it go back to the garment district?
00:30:43
It might be. Who knows? We don't know. Yeah. Scotty, give us a story. Scotty. Okay.
00:30:49
This one is kind of dark, but kind of amazing. These haven't been dark yet. No, we're taking a turn.
00:30:55
Oh, yeah, the tongue thing was not dark at all. Yeah, the tongue thing was joyous.
00:30:59
Okay, so this is from the South China Morning Post. Virtual reality reunites mother with dead daughter, bringing tears but also helping her let go of a child she missed so dearly.
00:31:09
Slow down. That's sad. What? So in South Korea. That's like a Black Mirror episode.
00:31:13
Yes, it's like Black Mirror. And I watched the video. It's on YouTube. You can watch.
00:31:17
You can watch this woman interact with her dead daughter who died when she was seven years old.
00:31:21
Correct. so what does the company do how does the company do it well is it like when they brought tupac back
00:31:27
uh what are those hologram hologram yeah her daughter was tupac that's the twist and so she
00:31:33
had the craziest reunion ever um she got around so the south korea documentary company uh made a
00:31:41
documentary called meeting you and it was like the it's experimental it's like the first time
00:31:44
they're doing this and they think it's going to be this huge revolutionary thing where people can
00:31:48
talk to people that are not only like overseas or far away, but also to dead relatives.
00:31:53
And they do it by doing, they take actual photographs and turn it in. They basically generate her and use audio recordings.
00:32:01
And so it sounds and looks like your child or your parent or whoever passes away.
00:32:06
And when they generate them on a computer? Yes. And so the video. No, they do it with clay.
00:32:12
It's claymation. It takes such a long time to have a conversation. The hug I watched was four days.
00:32:18
But so this daughter who is seven years old passed away from an incurable disease.
00:32:24
What disease? It just says incurable disease. Don't you know incurable disease? Yeah, you know incurable disease.
00:32:32
And they like – Yeah, I don't know why I didn't know that. The video is crazy. And so you can talk and it interacts with you.
00:32:38
It has like an AI element too. And it's just like – she loved it. But the conversation was like – the mother is like, I miss you.
00:32:45
And the daughter is like, I miss you too. And it's like, where have you been, mommy?
00:32:47
do you think about me it's like i do all the time and this woman who's wearing a vr headset is
00:32:52
standing in a green screen room the daughter comes out from behind like trees and rocks and she just
00:32:57
talks to it the entire it's crazy they had a virtual birthday cake for her 10th birthday oh my
00:33:01
god so this is obviously very troubling and disturbing but also it's happening and it's
00:33:07
so like now this is going to become an option it's very black mirror well what what did the
00:33:13
Did they get a chance to interview the mother? What's her reaction to it all? Did she feel closure?
00:33:18
Did she feel good? She felt good. She said it was a real paradise. That was her quote.
00:33:25
And that it was like, three years later I felt sick, but now I can confidently feel like, basically it was like closure.
00:33:30
I honestly, I can see this going down the route of, in Minority Report, Tom Cruise, where he gets high off his little, whatever they are,
00:33:38
like little inhalers, and then just watches old videos, like holographic videos of his son you could like get like because i think about it all the time of
00:33:46
like how it would feel if one of my children died and it would be like you would just like go down
00:33:52
to a universe of just living there you know i would just want to live there it would be like uh
00:33:56
you know you could totally just lose like never leave that vr area it's so upsetting it was i
00:34:05
brought it up because i know you like sci-fi so much in that story but it's pretty wild also as
00:34:10
the ai gets better like right now we have we just we had hired a data scientist to write uh an
00:34:16
algorithm for us that will write jokes yeah and we're doing trying to create the first ai comedian
00:34:20
called jokatron and i take them out on stage and we do jokes together obviously but the so i've been
00:34:26
like looking a lot into ai and like where they are with like predictive text and stuff like that
00:34:31
is pretty crazy like you could have a facsimile of someone relatively easy just with the tech that
00:34:37
exist now yeah it's it's a problem i would say this is a problem is it a problem i mean like i
00:34:43
think it's just going to be something that happens yeah it's a reality that's the other thing i did
00:34:46
the oculus thing and i did like they did a demo for like creators and writers and i was they were
00:34:52
like which one do you want to do and i was like i'll do the hot air balloon in bali and then i'm
00:34:57
looking 360 degrees i'm in a hot air balloon you can see the other people there you can't see where
00:35:01
the camera is and then i did like a train ride on the darling limited or whatever it's called
00:35:05
and I was like oh no I don't need to go and do that because it was crazy like walking around
00:35:10
and being like oh I'm on this train it felt so real that I canceled my flight yeah no I've done
00:35:18
VR too once and it is pretty incredible but not necessarily as addictive as I thought and
00:35:26
and I think that's what they're discovering too like there is something about um like it's okay
00:35:33
It could go away a little bit through a movie. Yeah. Or even 3D is not as big as it was anymore.
00:35:38
I know video games, you have more control, and that is VR. But I don't know. I feel like that story is interesting, but also, you know, that costs money.
00:35:46
Sure. You're going to have to pay to get that recreated. So that's going to be a situation for richer people.
00:35:53
Yes. And I think there going to be other people who are going to choose the option of just trusting their own memories Yeah And moving forward because I think it would be too painful for some Definitely I wouldn do it It sounds going like it
00:36:06
Yeah, I know. It sounds incredibly painful and it sounds like living in the past.
00:36:11
And not living with the person. Like I don't think that really honors what the person – it's not what the person would necessarily do.
00:36:21
So that's not the person. I also just it just brings up so many things of like the things that we are going to have to deal with with our children, like when they're 17 or 16 and the tech that they're interacting with this stuff like issues that we can't even imagine right now.
00:36:38
And this would this is like a problem that I wouldn't have been able to imagine that someone just like gets trapped in a VR reality because of an emotional attachment to an AI, essentially.
00:36:48
I know it's going to now those that's going to be a real problem. Have you guys gone to a 4DX theater yet and gotten sprayed in the face with water?
00:36:55
No. Oh, you gotta go. Have you? Have you? Oh, my gosh. Where is that place? Downtown Regal Cinema.
00:37:00
I went and saw the Meg. Incredible experience. Oh, my God. You sit in seats that move left and right and up and down.
00:37:06
They have fans. When helicopters take off, you get blown in the face. No, no. And then on the armrest, they have a button that says water on or water off.
00:37:13
And the water on, whenever the shark jumps out or somebody dives in the water, it sprays you in the face with water.
00:37:19
So weird. When they do a tracking shot over a beach, they pump in the smell of Coppertone.
00:37:24
No. You gotta go. And then when people get in a fist fight or being chomped alive by a giant Megalodon,
00:37:30
It shakes you? It punches you in the back. It has little, like, punching things.
00:37:34
So, at its best, you're on a boat. You're getting wind and water sprayed at you.
00:37:39
Jason Statham gets in a fight. You're getting punched in the back. And then the Meg jumps out of the water.
00:37:44
I cannot recommend it enough. I went and saw Bad Boys for Life in it. I'm going to go see my spy with it.
00:37:49
I only go see the creme de la creme at, I highly, it's 20 bucks or 25 bucks. And it is so fun.
00:37:57
My friend, Mike Lovato, he didn't know what it was. And he went in with his wife and they had a pint of beer and a glass of red wine.
00:38:04
And the movie started and just threw their alcohol in the air and soaked them. It is the dumbest, most fun way to, you have to go.
00:38:13
We'll go next to a movie. Let's go together. Yeah, let's go. It'll be a throuple.
00:38:17
But also think about the new job that that created where there's a guy who's like, okay, this splash is like a 5% splash.
00:38:26
And then adjusts how much splash you get for the visual image. Now this way, it's going to be lower kidney punch and then shake, shake, and then one more lower kidney punch.
00:38:37
That's right. It has to do that for an entire movie. We're going to blow him. We're going to squirt him.
00:38:41
We're going to punch him in the guts. And they're like, this sounds pretty good.
00:38:44
I mean, that should be the selling point of it. I mean, so it's like Disneyland meets the movie.
00:38:50
Yeah, it's like that Muppet 3D thing that used to be at MGM, but it's just any movie,
00:38:54
and it does feel a little rushed. Kurt's point, it feels like the guy that did it was like the senior intern, not the new
00:39:00
intern, and it's just, they just take you through hell. $25, Regal Cinema Downtown.
00:39:06
Oh, let's go. You got one more for me? I got one more. Kristen, you want one more?
00:39:10
I love this podcast. This is right up your alley. Mississippi community left confused
00:39:16
This is from Fox News And this is by Kathleen Joyce Mississippi community left confused
00:39:22
After bowls of mashed potatoes Mysteriously keep appearing Oh my gosh I love mashed potatoes
00:39:30
You know me I know you love mashed potatoes And I think you love mysterious mashed potatoes
00:39:36
I didn't know I did till now This is my favorite one so far So literally They've just been finding bowls
00:39:43
This town, this whole town has been finding bowls of mashed potato like on their car, like to come out in the morning.
00:39:48
I walked outside yesterday morning, 7 a.m., got my car. That's why I noticed a white bowl on my windshield.
00:39:52
There's another one that was just inside a inside someone's mailbox. Just a thing of mashed potatoes inside a mailbox.
00:40:00
Just real quick. When you say just a thing, have they been eaten? Are they untouched?
00:40:05
Are they presented with gravy? It was not immediately clear if anyone has eaten the potatoes.
00:40:10
So, no, the potatoes are not eaten. And it's a fresh bowl of mashed potatoes. I could see someone just like, I'm done with these mashed potatoes and just leaving them all over town.
00:40:17
All over town, constantly walking around with a bowl of mashed potatoes and finishing them and leaving the bowl.
00:40:23
I'm trying to solve the puzzle, too. Please. Yeah. Like, let's not condescend. Oh, I'm sorry.
00:40:28
No, no, of course. I mean, that just means that you've definitely walked around with a bowl of mashed potatoes, finished them, and just gotten rid of the bowl.
00:40:35
I could just see a Mississippi free spirit. Okay, so. I love this one. So that's the story.
00:40:40
How many mashed potatoes? It says, let's see. You said hundreds? I mean, that would be amazing.
00:40:47
No, I bet you it's probably around a dozen or so. Two? Yeah. I found two. It's either like, those things are either mental illness where somebody's doing something where they are, they're doing something that we don't know the story and they're just doing this for a reason.
00:41:00
Or in Mississippi, there are performance artists that are way ahead of what we're doing.
00:41:05
And they're like conceptually doing things that we love. And then at its best, they never reveal themselves.
00:41:13
This stops at some point. Maybe in 10 years, they start up again for a moment. I mean...
00:41:17
I love cereal mashed potatoes. I love... I mean, it's so much better than a cereal shitter.
00:41:21
Do you know what I mean? Somebody who's like shitting on people's cars. That is weird.
00:41:24
That happens a lot too. It happens so much. There was one in Denver. Do you remember that?
00:41:27
That one really took off. That woman who would always... She jogged and shat on people's lawns and then ran away.
00:41:33
I've been jogging the other day after drinking all day. Oh, yeah. I remember Rob Delay telling a story.
00:41:40
How he pulled over and took a shit on a jog. And I was like, yeah, I need to take a shit right here.
00:41:45
Did you? Did you? Of course not, because I'm a lady. Oh, I've done it. I've done it.
00:41:50
Oh, have you? Yeah, yeah, in the woods. In the woods. In New Jersey. In the woods in New Jersey.
00:41:54
That's fine. I ran into the woods and I leaned up against a tree and I took a shit That fine I had paper towels in my pocket so Normal thing to jog with I always jogging with paper towels in my pocket
00:42:05
Why did you have paper towels in your pocket? I have paper towels in my pocket at all times, just to blow my nose.
00:42:11
It's like a terrible version of a handkerchief. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. It's hard.
00:42:16
It's gross. It's disgusting. It hurts like hell. It hurts like hell. Yeah, you do it once and you're like, I need to get Claritin pronto.
00:42:22
I should have just got, I should just have a handkerchief. But no, I don't. I have always.
00:42:25
You're sort of that kind of guy. I can't believe you don't have a handkerchief. I know.
00:42:29
Thank you. I feel like I've seen you with a handkerchief. I used to have a handkerchief.
00:42:32
Yeah. But they do get gross as well. You know, you have to wash your handkerchiefs.
00:42:35
You have to have a lot of handkerchiefs if you're a handkerchief guy. Yes, of course you have to wash your handkerchief.
00:42:39
If you're chiefing it up. New York's tough for laundry, too. It's a tough place to do laundry.
00:42:42
Yes, it is. So I can understand why you band it there. Out here, when you have it in your house, you're good.
00:42:46
You're good to go. You're right. I should get a bunch of very nice handkerchiefs.
00:42:50
With your initial monogram. Birthday present. Don't tell Kurt. We're going to get him for him.
00:42:55
Yeah. That's actually something we could, that'd be great merch. I would love it.
00:43:00
Little bananas handkerchiefs. Yeah. Do you say handkerchiefs? Look at how excited Scotty got.
00:43:05
Yeah. He loves merch. He got really excited. He loves merch. Yeah. Yeah, but I give my merch away.
00:43:10
I don't, you know, I'm not in it for the money, guys. I'm in it for the experience.
00:43:14
Oh, do people know about your mudflap thing? Maryland mudflap. Probably the 30 to 50 people that really enjoy this podcast are very well aware that I give
00:43:24
out a lot of beer koozies and some scarves and t-shirts and everything. And swimsuits.
00:43:30
Swimsuits, yeah. Those are for sale because I give that money to Planned Parenthood.
00:43:34
Oh, nice. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah. Do you got one more story for me? Follow Maryland mudflap.
00:43:40
On Twitter. Yeah, on Twitter. Home of the tweets. And follow Kurt Braunohler. And follow K. Shaw.
00:43:48
This one I think is relatable. This one's not as dark as my last Talking to Your Dead Daughter one.
00:43:54
Okay. Okay. According to CNN, an Uber driver in Virginia has been charged with two counts of abduction,
00:44:03
reckless driving, felony hit and run, and kidnapping. Oh, boy. Wow. Which I guess is probably also the abduction.
00:44:09
So I won't name this gentleman's name because I don't know if he's guilty or not, but John
00:44:13
And Marie and his wife. I'm just kidding. Husband and wife couple were on a rare date night.
00:44:20
After dinner, they used to. Steve Carell and Tina Fey. There we go. Great movie.
00:44:25
They use Uber, like we all do, to get home. They thought it was the end of a routine night.
00:44:30
They get in this car, and a few blocks later, they were rear-ended by another driver.
00:44:36
Their driver stopped, and the car takes off. So their Uber driver starts chasing them.
00:44:41
So this live streamed on Facebook, the initial accident happened, the husband that was on the date starts filming, and in the video it's all very calm, and they're just like, oh my gosh, what do we need to do?
00:44:53
The wife calls 911, and then all of a sudden their driver just locks the doors and takes off and starts speeding after the hit and run.
00:45:00
so over the next four and a half minutes they have live streaming on facebook the video of
00:45:08
their driver where they're yelling stop pull over don't like let us out let us out i and then he
00:45:12
finally goes the the father and mother go we have four kids we can't be driving like this totally
00:45:18
gets ignored this guy's like i cannot let him get away with this so the uber driver takes him on this
00:45:22
crazy chase uh halfway through this chase while they're like pull over pull over pull over and
00:45:29
the wife is on with 911 and the operator is going, pull over, sir. Do not chase this person.
00:45:33
Do not chase this person. They get hit by another car. So after they get hit, you hear the impact.
00:45:40
You see the video. Everybody's relatively OK. They all got bruises, but nobody got seriously hurt.
00:45:46
The Uber driver takes off again and starts chasing the initial driver even after the
00:45:50
second accident. So then he's now he's a runner. Now he's leaving the scene of an accident.
00:45:55
Well, yeah, twice, essentially. And so. Not once. if you, well, the first time he also,
00:46:01
it was still the scene, right? He should have stayed. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, they can hear the impact in the video.
00:46:07
They're screaming. The 911 operators, he's like yelling, let them out, like let them out of the car.
00:46:11
And eventually the driver, they're yelling at him so much. He pulls over and they get out,
00:46:14
but it all was live streamed on Facebook. Oh, wow. I want to see that video. Have you ever been,
00:46:18
have you ever been in an accident in Uber or a taxi? No. I feel like comedians have a lot of these stories now.
00:46:26
Like I feel like comedians on the road are taking lots of Ubers and lifts and now like those stories i'm starting to see more and more when you started telling me that
00:46:33
story i thought you were just doing the premise for kamil nanjiani and isa ray's new movie
00:46:38
it's it is it is viral marketing for that it is lovebirds yeah lovebirds i got 700 to read that
00:46:45
story oh my god i already spent it that's the problem already spent it i was at boston market
00:46:52
yesterday and you know i like boston market i wonder how much food you get at boston market
00:46:57
$700. That's probably like a good That's a good test for our listeners. Alright. Take a photo. We'll put it
00:47:03
on the website. Oh my gosh. You guys are the new Kilgareff and Hardstar. Not even
00:47:10
not even like the smallest like an eyelash. We're an eyelash. Have you been in an accident
00:47:19
in an Uber? No I have never been in an accident in an Uber. The only the last horrible thing that happened to me in a lift was
00:47:27
someone tried to play me their music you know it's just like yeah i'm a musician and i was just like
00:47:32
oh man i can't say i don't care yeah um but i seriously don't and i just tried to be in my
00:47:38
phone and then it was like i'll play some music and i was like this is torture i had one recently
00:47:43
like really recently and it was an older gentleman he picks me up and from the minute i get in i'm
00:47:49
like hey sir i'm scotty how are you he's like fine and then he just starts complaining about
00:47:54
everything. He has political radio on, but somebody says something on the radio and he's like, and then
00:48:00
goes and then it's like a left-hand turn he's like he fucking turns and every 15 seconds excuse me he's
00:48:06
like this street these double parkers these pedestrians i'm talking every 15 seconds i was
00:48:13
like this guy is the least happy angriest man i've ever been in his car so then we're kind of cutting
00:48:19
through the city and like you know somebody he like waves somebody across the street he's like
00:48:24
go go go he's screaming then we get to this point and there's a little dog like a little jack russell
00:48:29
on its owner and the dog is just jumping up to like and he goes oh doggy a doggy hi he rolls down
00:48:35
the window waves at the doggy he goes hi hi hi and then the light turns green he drives and is
00:48:40
instantly like these fucking traffic so this guy's whole life is just pure hell it's like truly hell
00:48:47
on earth and then when he sees a jumping dog he's just like oh my god oh my god and i'm like
00:48:52
it was the weird five stars obviously five stars two dollar tip i give everybody a five star
00:48:57
Have you ever not given somebody a five star on an Uber? Never. Never. I'm five star all the way.
00:49:02
Five star all the way. It can be a terrible ride. I'm like, five stars. Yeah. I'm a Lyft.
00:49:06
I'm a Lyft boy. I don't really Uber. I'm a Lyft guy. Are there no stars on Lyft?
00:49:10
There are. I'm five stars on Lyft. I'm four something on Uber. And I feel like Uber drivers were former black car drivers that hate you the moment you walk
00:49:17
out of your house. I just like it because there's less conversation on an Uber. Oh, that's interesting.
00:49:22
Yeah. That's interesting. I don't know. I just don't want to talk and I feel like uber drivers talk less. I don't know. It's probably not true
00:49:30
I don't know. Yeah, I was going up to Maybe your old house in Burbank that right when we moved all moved out here and the guy picks me up and he had hands on ten and two And he looked like that guy that was oh gosh It doesn matter But he was like an older kind of nerdier dude And he goes sir I will get you to your destination safely
00:49:52
But I drive the exact speed limit. And I go, that's fine. I don't care. Then he cranks up like the song Blue Moon, like the 50s sort of version.
00:50:03
Blue Moon. That version. and when the road was 25 miles an hour he would make it at 25 at 35 at 35 we'd get on the highway
00:50:12
like get on the five whatever that is 55 or 65 he would get it up to that level and then exactly
00:50:17
there he would break if he went above it he would speed up if he didn't and he drove the exact speed
00:50:21
limit the entire way that is literally what it's going to be like when cars drive themselves you
00:50:25
essentially were in a driverless driving he was yeah i'm gosh i gotta think of the guy i'm thinking
00:50:31
of, but please proceed. But it was wild. Oh, man. Kristen. Five stars, by the way. Five stars,
00:50:37
of course. Yeah. Kristen, do you have anything that you would like to plug before we
00:50:41
wrap everything up? Of course. Please. I hope that everybody votes blue and also
00:50:53
watches Bob's Burgers. I mean, if you want to rent My Spy on DVD, Or FDX. Yeah, you can't go wrong.
00:51:03
It's fun for the family. Also, maybe, oh, Bill and Ted. Oh, yeah, that's great. In August 21st, that would be fun.
00:51:13
The Hot Tub Show. Every Monday night. Every Monday night. I think this Monday night will sell out, but try to come to other Mondays, 15-year anniversary shows.
00:51:23
Well yeah yeah Heavy Bill And yeah that it Yeah Guys we have the Bananas Podcast Instagram account
00:51:34
You do? And Scotty has been filling it out for months, maybe for a full year. So it is chock with content.
00:51:41
Wow. You can find some of the stories we talked about today. I go to Instagram, and it's called The Bananas Podcast.
00:51:48
I'll be in Bloomington, Indiana, June 18, 19 to 20. June. June, because this doesn't come out until April.
00:51:56
Late April. I didn't say anything. You were just remarking on the month of June?
00:52:04
Takes her back. I mean, it does seem far away. It does seem far away. Scotty, anything coming up?
00:52:09
Nope, just thanks, Karen and Georgia. And exactly right, we're glad to be here. Yeah.
00:52:14
Oh, why are we thinking Karen and Georgia? This is their next day. We're under their umbrella.
00:52:18
Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know. This is their studio. This is their studio. We are in the studio of death.
00:52:25
This is the studio that Murder built. What's going on? What? They have their own network?
00:52:30
They reached out and said, it's called Exactly Right, and they go, Scotty, you and Kurt, specifically just you two, have something so unique.
00:52:39
Aw. You don't need a third. No women involved. You two. And we said we couldn't agree more.
00:52:47
Yeah. And we're so glad to have you as a first guest. and kristen you want you want to come back first i'll cut all that stuff in the middle
00:52:54
uh and where kristen didn't know where she was uh yeah that's what all the stuff on the walls is
00:53:02
steven famously and i was like what the hell and i thought georgia i was like murder in georgia Steven is literally the producer of all those episodes Wow Congratulations We never blindfolding a guest again
00:53:19
We're going to prep our guests. I didn't know. No, this isn't some rinky dink. This isn't us in the back of a U-Haul truck.
00:53:29
This is the big time. This is the pros. I mean, everyone has a podcast. I just figured.
00:53:35
that we just have to have one yeah great you can come back whenever you want Kristen
00:53:43
okay you maybe could be well just reach out because I don't want to overstep but if this is another excuse
00:53:50
to hang out with my friends like Hot Tub is let's do it cheers cheers cheers to the first episode
00:53:56
of Bananas Bananas Bananas This has been an Exactly Right production. Produced and engineered by Katie Levine.
00:54:09
Theme song by Kehan Amati. And all of our artwork is done by Travis Millard. So please follow us on Instagram at The Bananas Podcast,
00:54:18
where we post so many more stories than make it here. And you can share with us your strange news story by DMing us on Instagram at The Bananas Podcast.
00:54:26
So listen, subscribe, and please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts.
00:54:33
Bananas. Bananas.

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This episode stands out for the following:

  • 60
    Funniest

Episode Highlights

  • Absurd News Stories
    Each week, the hosts share the most absurd, shocking, or fascinating news from around the world.
    “So each week, Kurt and Scotty are going to bring you the most absurd, shocking or fascinating news from around the world.”
    @ 00m 13s
    April 28, 2020
  • A Man with Pigeons in His Pants
    A bizarre story about a man found with 21 live pigeons stuffed in his pants.
    “Today on Bananas, man walking oddly found to have 21 live pigeons in pants.”
    @ 01m 29s
    April 28, 2020
  • Gruesome Discovery in Florida
    Police investigate jars of human tongues found in a crawl space in a home.
    “So police in Florida are investigating a gruesome discovery of jars of tongues in a crawl space in a home.”
    @ 15m 50s
    April 28, 2020
  • Masturbation Discovery
    A humorous story about discovering masturbation in an unusual way.
    “I discovered masturbation at age 12 while eating McDonald's apple pie.”
    @ 22m 31s
    April 28, 2020
  • The Duck's Surgery
    A nymphomaniac duck has its penis surgically removed after constant mating.
    “That's torture.”
    @ 27m 35s
    April 28, 2020
  • Virtual Reality Reunion
    A mother reunites with her deceased daughter through virtual reality, providing closure.
    “It was like a paradise.”
    @ 33m 23s
    April 28, 2020

Episode Quotes

  • It's called My Spy.
    My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal
  • When my next mom dies, I hope you'll be more on the ball.
    My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal
  • That's late.
    My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal
  • I discovered masturbation at age 12 while eating McDonald's apple pie and taking a shit.
    My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal
  • Driving me bananas, baby.
    My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal
  • That's torture.
    My Favorite Murder Presents: Bananas - Episode 1: Pigeon Pants with Kristen Schaal

Key Moments

  • Introducing Guests00:13
  • Absurd News01:29
  • Gruesome Discovery15:50
  • Masturbation Story22:31
  • Duck Surgery27:33
  • Virtual Reality Reunion31:03

Tension Over Time

Words per Minute Over Time

Vibes Breakdown