236 - Like A Quilt | My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark

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This is exactly right. Why is it always chaos when we link up? Cause nobody plans anything bro.

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Own the dream. My favorite murder How is the full global meltdown working out for you?

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Did you see there was a story about how in Wuhan province, China, they had a huge pool party with thousands of people because they're finally opened up again?

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Okay. And it's okay? It must be. I would hope that they're making good decisions.

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They started all this quarantining. So I think they're saying we're finally done with it.

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Look, I'm as bored as everyone else, but I feel like I wouldn't go to that. I would need two solid years of inoculations and some guarantees.

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Also, just it's the kind of thing. That's such a good point, because when I saw the story, I was like, oh, yeah.

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And I was like, A, pool party. Never. No. Never. B, unless it's my own private. Yeah.

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B, like a nighttime pool party, which is like every horrible LA party you've ever thought was a good idea.

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And then when you showed up, you were like, this is a zombie. I wore the wrong thing.

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No matter what you wore, it was the wrong fucking thing. Yes. And no matter where you stand, you're in a bad spot.

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Right. And there is no, we also don't, there's not immunity to this yet. Because just because you had it doesn't mean you're now immune to it.

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That's not how diseases work. No, unless it's being kept from us, we don't know anything about how this disease works whatsoever.

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I feel like a pool party is a little premature. But I am not a doctor, nor have I ever pretended to be one.

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Hold on. Why do you have that medical advice podcast then? It doesn't make sense.

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Why would you open yourself up to lawsuits like that? The amateur medical advice podcast.

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Put Bactine on it. Spit on it. Put some Bactine in your mouth and spit on it. You know what you need to do is suck out the bacteria and then put in snake poison.

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Yes. Spit it in. Yes. Leech it. From everywhere. From head to toe. Leech your shit.

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And then here comes the merch that says leech your shit on the front of it. People don't understand what it means.

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Your mom's upset. Your cousin's asking questions. We're doing it again. We are having at it.

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We are. As we tend to do. Going for it. Now, we don't know where you are right now while you're listening to this.

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Mentally. You're a listener. Yeah. Mentally or literally. Yeah. Where I am personally, it's 106 degrees outside, which is not common for California.

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Especially Los Angeles. We're having this crazy heat wave. But none of us are leaving the house anyway.

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Right. It doesn't matter if you're okay with. It's just like there's no air conditioning ducked into the bathroom.

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Oh. So like you go into the bathroom and it's like muggy. It's like a tropical. That's the most important place for air conditioning, because blow drying your hair.

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Like the thing of getting out of the shower and immediately sweating again is my fucking least.

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I remember last week I postponed a meeting we were having because I was like, I'm sweating out of the shower.

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So I can't take this meeting. Nothing feels worse. I don't I don't remember that being the reason, because anytime you're like, hey, do you mind if I I'm all

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caps guessing you so hard postpone everything anything please always yes please cancel you

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love all day you love yes anding my laziness or my whatever it is your needs you It you choosing to have needs and just declaring them I think it important

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It's hard for us to do sometimes. There's times we were just like, you know what?

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I can't get on this Zoom. I can't do it. No. And I don't have to. Even though you know I'm here by myself sitting here staring, I still don't have to get on that Zoom with you.

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That's my right as an American in 2020. Thank you. What were we talking about? Listen, I've been meaning to ask you this for a while now, ever since we've been Zooming at home and recording at home.

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Is there a framed photo? Because you're sitting in front of some nice family framed photos.

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Is there a two-headed person framed in one of those photos? Let's go over and take a look.

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From where I'm sitting, it's a man's body with two heads on it. No, let me go get that and I'll tell you what it is.

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Okay. Oh, my gosh. It does look like a frame. Doesn't it? whoa what is that i've been wondering for months and never asked i feel like now's as good a time

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as any what were you talking i was saying i've just been watching i've just been noticing it

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and never said anything for months but now is as good a time as any to ask you yes so this is a

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this is a gift that uh was given to me at the end of a job by america's sweetheart and banana boys

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star scotty landis it's a picture of craig t nelson from coach because that's how we met is

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he was a writer and I was the head writer on a talk show. He gave me, it was a signed photo by Craig T.

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Nelson of him as coach, but you can't see the signature anymore because it's sat on my desk at my

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old house and it got exposed to the sun. But you can see how I would think that he's holding a football,

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like facing up. So it looks like a two headed person, but it's not, it's coach with a coach and his best friend,

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the football, Stephen, can we get that up on the Instagram for this episode, please?

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Thank you. Yeah. Please and thank you. All right. Well, we've solved that mystery.

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Any other questions or concerns about what's in the background of my Zoom shot? Just email us at MFM queries.

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Queries and quizzes. Send it there. Definitely send it there. You know what I was going to say is it is crazy boiling hot.

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Like unlike any, even though it's been getting hotter lately, today just went nuts.

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And I'm drinking a very large cup of hot coffee right now, just like the Bedouins do out in the desert.

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I'm drinking some black tea and water. Oh, it's iced. A little bit of whiskey in there.

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Sweet. What's that drink called? George is having a day. Hey. George is having a day.

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Put it in there. It's that feeling of I've been doing some when the commercial comes on where there's a bunch of people standing in a bar starting to have a fake funny conversation.

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It genuinely makes me want to cry. Hold on. The male lady's here and she's coming up to the front door.

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Tell her. Tell her we appreciate her and thank you for your service. And we support you.

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And we've been we've been pushing your merch. Mr. Zip. We're big fans of Mr. Zip.

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Mr. Zip, you can get little outfits for your small dogs to make it look like you're carrying the mail.

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Small dogs or large cats. That's pretty adorable. Oh, she's going to have to leave it there anyway.

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I'm actually getting a thing delivered. Oh, that's fun. Like at USPS as we speak.

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There we go. Hey, hey. I said you could stay in here if you didn't bark. That was like a stare down and then dirt.

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Yeah, almost. hey god that is sharp oh hi george steven take a photo of that georgie

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is this what you do when i'm not here is this what you do when i'm not you stare out the window

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go go get up on that bed george thanks for the warning no problem um shit wait i had a specific this this uh post person

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I was singing some of the things I like to do in my day little exposure is I'll go ahead and put in the old air buds

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and then just I'm now the lead singer of the yeah yeah yeah or whatever right I think many of us do

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especially if you're by yourself and with the freedom I just have to go around and make sure all the windows and doors are closed

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because I've definitely done that where it's full concert and the side windows open

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and I'm like it's such it's so early in our relationship for my neighbors to be like oh no there's never a good time for

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your neighbors to hear you singing so the other day and i'm pretty sure it was wait by the yeah

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yes oh they don't love you like i love maps map thank you such a good something wait maps by the

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yeah yeah yes really delivering that and i turned around because i did the dog did something and the

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male person was just standing there staring at me through the kitchen window. No.

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And I didn't have my glasses on. So they could have been doing something, you know, like on a clipboard and I just didn't

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see it or whatever. But to me, it just looked like they were standing there staring with their mouth open.

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Just so disappointed in their lives because of what happened when they caught you.

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They're like, where am I going? If I'm just catching people singing, this is my job.

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Yeah, exactly. I mean, I don't know why we didn't request this earlier, but can can male people write us, please, and tell us like their craziest experience or they're like, you know, some interesting story for hometowns, please.

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Like, yeah, tell us what it's like to be a postal worker. I'm dying to know. That'd be incredible. Right.

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Well, because also, and the people that, also the people that deliver on foot. So you getting whatever your weird experiences in the car But then there also all the experiences you get just walking around neighborhoods Yes Walking around neighborhoods Like tell us like what

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you know, what should we do to support you guys more? Should, what do you like when we leave you for the holidays?

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You know, like what, what, what's it like? I want to, I want a day in the life plus a weird,

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crazy story from male people and people. Yeah. That'd be fun. That'd be great. Good idea.

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Let's do that. What was that? I thought you were going to say, We want to hear what people are doing to fill their time during the day to make themselves not go crazy.

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And aside from watching TV or listening to podcast, aside from media, how do you fill those additional hours of the day?

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Like, for example, you give a three to five thousand person concert as as the great lead singer of a band that's never existed or something along those lines.

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I know this will eat up a half an hour if I do this for a while. God, I don't even know what I do.

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Here's what some people are doing back into the media. Today, because we're recording this on Tuesday, the 18th, today was the first day of the hearings of the Golden State Killer trial where victims got to come and give either their own victim impact report or that of a family member who couldn't be there.

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Amazing. And they're doing that until Friday when they sentence him. Fuck. Yes. I love it.

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Even though he pleaded, pled guilty, we still get to hear and the victims still get to speak

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their fucking, you know, lives and their trauma. So it's like, I love that still part of it.

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It's so important. And yeah, it's great. I want to hear everything about it. And Paul Holes is there, right?

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Yeah. In person. That's what he said in that email. Yeah. You guys, Paul Holes emails us.

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Guys, sometimes we'll drop an email just to catch up. As Pohol's bosses who control his career in the palms of our hands.

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No, we don't. We just like to tell him that. But it is kind of exciting that he would email us and be like, well, I'm up here in Sacramento.

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And we're just like, relax, good, good. It's exactly where you should be. Of course you are.

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Oh, I love it. It's very well. And it's also just like the conclusion, the thing, the inevitable conclusion of a thing that no one ever thought was ever going to have one.

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And it's happening. And, you know, yeah, it's never going to be fulfilling. He'll never speak about it. I bet he's such a piece of shit.

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He'll never cop up to the cop to the fact that he is pretending to be a feeble old man.

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Right. We all know is bullshit. Yeah, I think I think that's it's well known, well known rumor.

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that he and his private time is in no way feeble old man. But that's a rumor. That's the kind of thing that absolutely would kick up around something like this.

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But yeah, still, it's great. You love hearing it because you're just like, yeah.

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And also, it's the thing we were talking about last week where it's just like, there's no, he's not going to have a crisis of conscience and then say something satisfying.

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None of that is part of it. But it doesn't matter because he's participation. Yeah, it's not.

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it's about those people standing up and being like you fucking monster. You're a monster. I get to say

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it. You're just a man. You're not a monster and you're not supernatural and you don't have any powers over me

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except for the fact that you were so creepy and crazy that you did what you did. But now that's over.

00:15:35

Let's do exactly right corner real quick. Yeah. Yeah. Our podcast What's going on the old network this

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week? That's right. This just in. What's going on this week? Well, I'm glad you asked, Karen.

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Bridger Weineger's I Said No Gifts has the wonderful Lacey Mosley, a.k.a. Scam Goddess, on.

00:15:56

Ah, the Scam Goddess, right? If you haven't listened to Scam Goddess and you like stories about people getting ripped off and people ripping people off, go over to the Scam Goddess on Earwolf.

00:16:05

And listen to her on I Said No Gifts. Yeah, get a taste on Bridger's show, see what happens.

00:16:10

and then go over and try ScamGuard. There's nothing better. And then this week on this podcast, We'll Kill You,

00:16:18

the errands are talking about sickle cell disease and they have guests who are sharing

00:16:22

their firsthand experiences with sickle cell. And they also talk about genome editing tools

00:16:27

to create genetic conditions. It's a really interesting episode. If you're at all interested in sickle cell disease

00:16:34

or don't know anything about it, this is a really great episode. So that's- Yeah, go learn.

00:16:38

It's a fascinating thing that like they're basically they're fixing like genome science and all that.

00:16:45

Oh, my God. Insane. Atomic, atomic surgeries and stuff like that. Thank you, smart people.

00:16:51

Yeah, for real. Also, just really quick on Bananas This Week. Friend of the family, Mandy Johnson is on with Scotty and Kurt.

00:17:02

She is a producer for the long running independent stand up show here in L.A. called Super Serious.

00:17:09

And she has made a book of photography. That's all the pictures she takes of the comics before their sets.

00:17:16

And then she interviewed like 50 comics to talk about that book. So she's she's on bananas doing stories with them.

00:17:24

But then she's kind of there to plug that book a little bit. So and she's definitely a friend of the family.

00:17:28

She's she did our first photo shoot together in my apartment, my old apartment. Remember?

00:17:32

Yeah, she's been with us. She was the photographer at the Santa Barbara weekend and our big L.A.

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show. She's definitely a friend of the family. Yeah, she's a good friend of mine. And this book

00:17:43

is if you're interested in comedy, and you know, the the comics that either started in or like have

00:17:49

made LA the LA scene their home for the past 1015 years she been a huge part of it And that this book is just a compilation that all about that So if that an interest of yours the book called Super Serious Her name Mandy Johnson And I think it coming out in It out today I think

00:18:06

Is it? Yeah. Well, it's actually available. It's out this week. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. So you can

00:18:11

get it, look it up if that's something you're interested in. I have a picture in there.

00:18:15

I know you do. It's a great one. It's a great... It's like a one of your all-time greats.

00:18:19

She's such a good photographer. She's so good. And then, oh, hey, Let's talk about koozies, Karen.

00:18:25

Hey, let's do it. We have koozies for sale. We have a here's the thing. Fuck everyone koozie.

00:18:30

And then a koozie with our cool new fingerprint rainbow design on it. And it has been sold out.

00:18:37

It got restocked. It's so summertime. We use koozies here at the house all the time for our canned wines.

00:18:42

Vince drinks beer exclusively. So we are always competing to see whose podcast koozie is going to be used that day.

00:18:51

And they really work. They do. I am a big fan. That's the thing about koozies. Yeah.

00:18:54

Yeah. I'm a big fan of koozies. We have so much cool merch right now. I'm loving everything we have and everything we've got coming in.

00:19:01

It's exciting. Yeah. If you're looking for something to do during your day, if shopping might be a part of it,

00:19:06

don't be afraid to go over to the MFM store and just kind of look around. We really do have a full line of items.

00:19:16

And apparently the Fuck You, I'm Divorced sweatpants are selling like hotcakes. Amazing.

00:19:22

I love it. It's my favorite.com. And then there's like a store link you can go to.

00:19:26

And my friend, um, Heather Anthony, a shout out. What's up. She made the suggestion.

00:19:33

Now we should make sweatpants and say, fuck you. I'm remarried. We just keep following relationship arcs of relationship arcs.

00:19:43

Um, through sweatpants. What about fuck you? It's complicated. Can we do that? That's right.

00:19:48

How about fuck you? I don't owe you an explanation. It's none of your business. Because it's the holidays and I'm sitting at your dinner table.

00:19:56

Fuck you, I'm single would be great to wear to holiday parties or like the weekend at your family's house.

00:20:03

Yeah. If you're not in quarantine. When you realize that you probably need your sweatpants to speak for you.

00:20:09

Yeah. Yeah. Like it's loud and proud and you need it. And I'm proud of you. And I'm loud.

00:20:14

And I'm loud at you. I'm loud at you. But I'm more than that. I'm proud at you. Let me see.

00:20:20

Do I have anything else? did you watch the show Dave I might not talk about it if you haven't

00:20:25

I have not you know what show we just started watching it premiered on Sunday it's so good hold on let me look it up really quick it's called Lovecraft Country

00:20:33

yes do you love it yes it's amazing oh my god Lovecraft Country it's so good yeah and it ended on such a cliffhanger I'm so

00:20:45

excited to keep watching it this might be incorrect It's just an observation and it could be incorrect. But what's exciting to me is it feels to me like there's going to be this new wave of of black centric stories in media, especially in like TV and that kind of like fancy TV where it's not about that.

00:21:08

We're just getting heroes and experiences and it's just being treated like every other, any other story.

00:21:16

Yeah. Instead of having to be, you know, like it's not typical and it's not, it's just like everything else.

00:21:26

It's sci-fi. It's just fucking cool sci-fi. It's historic. It's interesting because it is.

00:21:30

Yeah. There's so much to learn as well. that sundown fucking towns. And there was a guidebook for black people went to how to travel

00:21:38

across the country without going to the wrong places, which is so heartbreakingly awful. But

00:21:45

it's like, true. It's such a strange secret. I honestly believe a lot of people are very upset

00:21:50

because Green Book was such a whitewashed version of that story. And that makes perfect sense to me.

00:21:58

but the idea that we're just learning about that i mean like i'm just learning about that in you know

00:22:04

in 20 whenever that was 18 or 19 yeah it's just so crazy it's just like it's yeah it's the second

00:22:12

they walked into that shop first of all i got teary-eyed because i want to go into a store

00:22:18

and browse again just really lame just the straight immediate like fucking like immediate

00:22:25

it is I miss shopping. I miss I miss going into a store that set up cool, which is that first store

00:22:31

he went into that had the green book in the front window. Oh, I never saw that. Yeah, it was like

00:22:36

right at the beginning. And he was going in to talk to it. Well, anyway, it doesn't. Oh, I'm

00:22:39

sorry. I thought you meant green book. Yeah. Okay. Oh, no, sorry. And that's just the it was

00:22:46

supposed to, you know, because it's supposed to be the 50s. Right. I think it's like, oh,

00:22:50

I think it's late 40s because it's super post. Oh, no, it's post-Korea. So, yeah, you're right.

00:22:56

So, probably mid-50s or early 60s? No, 50s. Jesus. I'm saying Korea as if I know when Korea was.

00:23:04

It's 50s. Korea was in the 50s, yeah. Okay, so it's 50s. I know that from MASH. It doesn't matter.

00:23:10

The point is that he's in this beautiful store that is because they made it look like the

00:23:15

time. So, nothing in the store. It looks like a vintage shop is what it is. And it has all these windows. So it's like the regular front windows. But then they also have the top line, which there's a bunch of stores in my hometown that have this too. It was like store, if your store faced the, the, the West, then there is extra windows at the top that brought in even more light so that your light wasn't affected by the tallest building across the street.

00:23:42

Anyway, the whole thing was just very like, yeah, remember when we could just go into a store and stand around and not think about anything.

00:23:51

Yeah, it's good. It's exciting. It's like I fucking love sci fi to begin with, but it's also like an adventure story.

00:23:58

Yeah, so it's. heartbreaking. It's beautiful. The opening itself where I was like, wait,

00:24:06

who is the Red Lady? What is happening? What is this whole thing? They're in the trenches.

00:24:12

Lovecraft Country, the first episode is out. I wish I could binge it. Let's all watch it and talk about it every week.

00:24:18

I was like, this show is going to suffer no matter how good it is because it has to

00:24:24

replace my Sunday night Perry Mason. We have room in our heart now. We do. It's HBO too, right? It's HBO. No, Prime, what?

00:24:33

HBO, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the thing you can rely on with HBO is they know how to, the teams they hire, where it's completely, you're never just going to get great actors or just going to get, you know, pretty cool looking set.

00:24:47

But then, like, they just know how to turn in the entire perfect paper and get an A plus on it.

00:24:53

Yeah. So it just, like, the second it started, I was like, oh, thank you. Yeah. it's easier to let go of that one when this one you're delivering right into my hands it has

00:25:02

it's the same thing where it's period it's perfectly produced beautiful it's so fascinating

00:25:06

the outfits are incredible everyone looks so fucking good yeah big fan why is it always chaos

00:25:12

when we link up because nobody plans anything bro good thing the rug's ready like that for real

00:25:17

rain dirt whatever available all-wheel drive five modes we still outside and they got some kick too

00:25:24

that turbo torque is crazy the most in its class it moves moves rogue doesn't mess around and peep

00:25:31

the space merch on merch gear mics all the fits load up we out 2026 nissan rogue built for all of

00:25:39

it auto pacific segmentation 2026 rogue versus latest in-market competitors in the x suv mainstream

00:25:46

midsides class excluding electrical vehicles based on manufacturer websites hey everyone it's cal pen

00:25:54

and host of Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club. This week on the podcast, I'm sitting down with Lily Chu,

00:26:01

the author of the Audible original romantic comedy Just Kiss Already. It's a story about a forensic anthropologist who secretly writes mystery novels,

00:26:10

an actress who adapts his book into a film, and what happens when a meme and a media tour collide with a slow burn romance.

00:26:19

It's performed by Simu Liu and Philippa Su, And it is an absolute blast. When you actually hear the performance, you realize that other people are taking your words.

00:26:31

And what you thought was kind of a straightforward sentence like the cat in the corner is black.

00:26:36

In my head, it's the cat in the corner is black, not the dog, not the gerbil. But someone else might say it.

00:26:42

The cat in the corner is black. That's always fascinating to me. How they just bring in all these different nuances and really make it fun and interesting and distinctive.

00:26:52

Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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00:28:03

Pets age zero to 10. So should we explain what we're going to be doing today? Yes.

00:28:10

Story wise? Yes. This was this is great. So we have so many live shows that we've done.

00:28:16

Of course, we've posted a lot. and then we have and they're all you know these fun shows we had the best time at then we have

00:28:22

some shows um we're either you know we did them the night before so they're kind of repeats

00:28:27

in the beginning but the stories we did are the murder stories are still you know mean a lot to

00:28:33

us and they were great and we still want to play them even though we can't play the entire show

00:28:37

so we are that we yeah well i was just gonna say there's also the piece of it too where we used to

00:28:43

in the early days, and some of you remember this, we would do two shows a night.

00:28:49

And that almost always meant that it was basically the same. We'd never do the same stories for both shows.

00:28:56

We learned that quickly when we did that the first time in Seattle. And saw the faces in the front row go, oh, why did I buy tickets to both of these?

00:29:03

Or the people in the meet and greet that were like, are you going to do the same thing?

00:29:06

Oh, and then I was just like, oh, no, that's true. This is two separate shows. increasing our home workload yeah that much more but so yeah so some of these are um some of the

00:29:19

shows are it reflects directly that we are this that we are now on hour five of performing right

00:29:25

we'll just say that there's no judgment there's always people that are like my city didn't get posted and that means this and it's like no release the storyline of whatever

00:29:35

reasoning you think it is right it's usually something much weirder and more specific than

00:29:39

that. But what we want to do is get the greatest hits out of there. So that's what we've done.

00:29:45

Stephen's gone through and listened through and pulled the stories that are like, this one's great.

00:29:50

Yeah, these are these are usable stories. Yeah. And then so we're going to do almost like you

00:29:54

said today like a quilt where it like Karen story from this city and my story from this city And that really great hometown That so sad It languishing And like it should be because there so many great hometowns that like never got posted except this week right We posting

00:30:08

maybe the worst hometown we've ever had. I argue I argue you and say the best hometown we've ever

00:30:14

had this simply the best hometown we've ever had. We'll introduce it. We'll get to it. So my story

00:30:21

this week is from our North Charleston show in South Carolina. It takes I did the story on

00:30:27

September 21st, 2018, which actually was the first of our fall tour that year. And Hurricane Florence

00:30:36

was going on. Oh, yeah, time. And so there's flooding everywhere. So we had done Durham the

00:30:41

night before we were supposed to drive to North Charleston, ended up having to fly because all

00:30:46

the roads were closed. Yeah, right. Remember that? I do. And it was a really great theater.

00:30:51

And I did the old exchange and provost dungeon story. So there's a bunch of like people who had been jailed there, ghosts that people saw, lots of like creepy stories from it, which is one of my favorite things to do is just like take a place like Disneyland or whatever and be like, here are the fucked up stories from it.

00:31:11

So that's what you guys are going to hear today. North Charleston Pacific Arts Center.

00:31:16

I think so, probably. So this is from the North Charleston Performing Arts Center on September 21st, 2018.

00:31:23

Enjoy. This is so comfortable. All right. Well, I'm going first tonight, right? Yes, you are.

00:31:28

Thank you. Guys, you know how much I love American history. That's one thing everyone knows about me.

00:31:38

This is just my thing. So with that, I am going to do the Provost Dungeon. Oh. Is it historical?

00:31:50

It's so historical. And hysterical. Okay. Karen, let me give you a history lesson.

00:31:58

Please. And I bet you guys have heard this story in elementary school. I bet you guys did plays about it.

00:32:05

Everyone had to be a thing and everything happened. Plays about a dungeon? Yeah, it's historical.

00:32:12

A historical dungeon. Yes, it's a historical. So everyone did plays. But in California, we don't talk about that stuff.

00:32:20

We just get high and surf. That's fucking right. You go to surf class, you go to stoner class.

00:32:26

You go to snack class. And then you go back to stoner class. And take a nap. And you stand by a tree.

00:32:35

But it turns out that no historical landmark in Charleston is as well recognized as the old exchange and provost dungeon, Karen.

00:32:43

Okay. At the intersection... What? Am I saying it wrong? No! Good. Shut up! It's at the intersection, Karen, in case you want to go there later, of Broad Street and East Bay Street.

00:32:59

Amazing streets. Is it apartments now? Do you guys live there? The exchange was constructed on the site of Half Moon Bastion, which is just where they fight.

00:33:13

I had to look all this shit up, which is just where they would like shoot the fucking people from like not like this

00:33:18

Bastion that's right. Okay, but like with cannonballs The exchange was made in 1767 as a mercantile exchange and customs house

00:33:30

Which is basically like where you get your shit you like do your city stuff like you know mail letters and stuff

00:33:35

This was long ago before they had stores and ammo Anything mom? That's Teresa Caputo.

00:33:45

Teresa Caputo's there, and she's pissed. Uh-huh. So beneath the fucking, where people are doing everyday business, though,

00:33:54

is a fucking legit dungeon. Oh. Like, how often do you see a dungeon? I mean, you guys see it a lot, but...

00:34:01

It's been called one of the worst prisons in U.S. history. Prisoners were subject to anything that happened,

00:34:07

which could be contagious diseases. There was no fresh air. There was contaminated food, fucking rats.

00:34:13

hanging out. Always rats. And they were attached to, not the rats, but the people

00:34:19

were attached to heavy iron shackles and they were just pretty cute. The littlest shackles.

00:34:27

Oh my god, it's just like seven paper clips. I love those shackles, rat shackles.

00:34:35

It's like a little ring. Okay. And they're left to suffer there in the dungeon until their execution.

00:34:42

So it sucked. Let's see. Oh, I have a photo of it. Let's see if we can figure this thing out.

00:34:47

I bet we can. Yay! Ooh! I didn't bring my glasses. I have to look closer. Now, this is Bay Street here?

00:34:56

Just kidding. She's asking me. Just kidding. I don't care. So as we always say when we look at these beautiful historical pictures

00:35:04

that are like, oh, my God, it's so incredible, is what did it smell like at that moment on this street?

00:35:10

What did it smell like? You gotta wonder. Well, there's a pile of donkey shit right here in the foreground.

00:35:17

But it does look beautiful. You know what's weird when you see that and there's no electric poles?

00:35:23

There's no wires of any kind. Why, because they were underground? No. It was wireless.

00:35:30

Wireless. Yeah. Totally. Okay. You're not that into my observation. Yeah. So the majestic building, as you just saw, that's the old exchange.

00:35:42

It's built by the British in 774 to accommodate the needs of the trading and shipping business.

00:35:48

Sure, bartering. Sure. That flourished in that harbor, bartering, et cetera. Pelts.

00:35:54

And it served as spices And spices of all kinds Tea I bet you guys did that play Yeah The tea play They love tea And Duran Duran was always there

00:36:07

It was also the cultural center of old Charlestown, they called it. I'm not saying it wrong, but from now on, I will call it Charleston because I don't want to get yelled at.

00:36:17

But at the time, it was called Charlestown. That's what it says with an E on the end of town.

00:36:21

It's like, huh? Fucking nerds. Like, get hip. God, how small are your glasses, Ben Franklin?

00:36:29

Get out of here. So the building has a shit ton of American history. I got that quote from a history book.

00:36:39

It was where the Declaration of Independence was publicly read to South Carolinians.

00:36:44

And where, is that real? It doesn't matter. South Carolinians. Man, I thought I had it.

00:36:53

Sorry. South Carolinians. I've never heard them. We've never heard of anything before.

00:37:01

We've never heard of anything. We're new. We come out of a pod and walk on stage.

00:37:04

We're new here. And where South Carolina ratified the U.S. Constitution, George Washington used to fucking chill at banquets there

00:37:13

and like dance and stuff. Always leaning. He was just like, I'm here. Always chilling.

00:37:19

But underneath all this lovely shit going on is a place where prisoners were subject to fucking unspeakable torture

00:37:25

that I'm going to speakable about right now. Just directly below, like one floor below.

00:37:32

Yeah, there's three floors, and it's like, nice floor. Nice, George, why don't you hang out here?

00:37:37

Let's fucking torture everyone and let the rats hang out here. I kind of love that it's all in one building.

00:37:43

Yeah. It's kind of, it's like an early mall. That's really convenient. It's also like, it's also that it still exists,

00:37:50

and you can take tours of it, including the dungeon, being like, we're going to pretend that this

00:37:53

didn't happen. Let's just not open that floor. It's like, no, no, this whole, it was great,

00:37:57

but for a lot of people it sucked. Like today. So the whole building of course is haunted.

00:38:08

I'm not going to say allegedly because I believe it. No, I don't. So they say the ghosts upstairs.

00:38:15

I thought you said goats. So the goats took over the third floor. And they started arresting everyone and sending them down to the dungeon.

00:38:24

And they haunt. Now they haunt the rats. Goat ghosts are the scariest ghosts. Oh my god, have you guys seen a goat ghost?

00:38:33

The horns on those goat ghosts are nuts. Really sharp. So of course on the top two floors that are nice and classy and shit,

00:38:45

the ghosts are nice and classy and shit. So goes the floor. And they walk like this?

00:38:50

They walk like this. Except for George Washington. I wrote, the ghosts upstairs in the old exchange

00:38:58

are typically less pissed off than those in the former dungeon. I would imagine.

00:39:02

Can you imagine? They were like, I'm going to spend eternity sipping tea out of this cup.

00:39:07

Yeah, and they're like, I'm not trying to scare you. Calm down. Like, they don't do that.

00:39:11

The whole thing is now a museum operated by the Daughters of the American Revolution.

00:39:14

They bought the building in 1912, and they were like, let's let people look around.

00:39:18

and the staff all wear revolutionary period clothing which has to suck I bet they get paid minimum wage

00:39:27

because you know it would be interesting to know but I bet you just get the outfit

00:39:34

that's there right unless you can make one yourself it's like when you work at a theme park

00:39:39

and you have to put the head of Mickey Mouse on that's someone you don't get your own Mickey Mouse

00:39:44

and if 9am to 12pm Mickey Mouse ate Doritos, you're fucking eating Doritos too. That's right.

00:39:51

It's that feeling, but in like a weird pilgrim dress. Yeah. You're just like... And all the women have to just like wear the shit that's so uncomfortable.

00:39:58

I had a job once where I had to wear overalls, and let me tell you, that sucked.

00:40:02

What job was that? I was a waitress. I thought you were a farmer. You're like, I was a cashew farmer in my...

00:40:10

I can tell you, I was a ghost farmer. Herding ghost. It's hard to say. In my overalls.

00:40:18

It is. It's harder to deal with. They were 90s overalls? Can you just describe them?

00:40:26

Okay, I was so fresh out of Orange County that they were Dickies overalls. Sure they were.

00:40:31

Which is like what people who listen to Social Distortion and our mechanics wear,

00:40:36

which is fine. Great. I'm good with that. It didn't look good on me. It's fine. But what kind of a restaurant makes you wear Dickies overalls?

00:40:45

It was like a country themed. It was like country themed. In Santa Monica, you know.

00:40:52

The country is country in Countryville. They know country. You know. They serve blueberry fucking pancakes, so they thought it was a country themed.

00:41:01

Shit, dude. Did you cuff those overalls on the bottom? Probably. What kind of a shoe do you wear?

00:41:07

Just like, I'm stressed out, like now I have to wear overalls. Which, if you think they look bad on you, simply imagine.

00:41:14

Can you imagine? The farmer look on me. If the decision to dress what we were going to wear for live shows,

00:41:19

because we were like, what should we wear? We got this, we got that. Let's just wear black dresses.

00:41:22

It's easier. What if it had been between black dresses and overalls? And I fought really hard for overalls.

00:41:28

Oh, none of us would be here tonight. It would be like night three of Teresa Caputo telling you your future.

00:41:36

Can't do it. And that's how the podcast fell apart. Okay, so the staff, they wore Revolution Period clothings.

00:41:44

things. And so some visitors have approached approaching someone that they thought

00:41:50

was a staff member, like, excuse me, can you tell me where the latrine is or whatever?

00:41:54

And then only to watch it in horror as that person would then disappear into thin air But if that exchange happened in front of me I wouldn know who the ghost was

00:42:05

because who fucking says latrine? Your husband, Vince Averill, says latrine all the time.

00:42:13

Is he real? Oh, shit. This is how we find out. I just fucking go crazy. And then I wrote, not sure if they were on mushrooms.

00:42:22

the person who saw the ghost. That would be... Oh, but it was just we were touching.

00:42:29

They weren't touching. They were just asking a person they thought was in period dress a question.

00:42:34

Allegedly. Allegedly. And then that person... And they're like, I still have to pee.

00:42:41

Where the fuck is the latrino? Please come back. It's like when they put you on hold, but they just disappear.

00:42:48

I'll be with you in one moment. Terrible music? Okay. So let's get into who the ghosts would be if there were ghosts there, which there definitely are.

00:42:56

There are. For the sake of the story. So, Charlestown, a.k.a. Charleston, was a mix of wealthy socialites, poor immigrants, laborers, slaves, and pirates.

00:43:06

Hey. And so... Yeah. All right. That's hot. I bet they smelled so bad. Pirates? Yeah.

00:43:16

No, just salty. Salty. Mmm. I mean, hangings were super popular, of course, in this era.

00:43:25

Yes, they were. And not everyone who was sentenced to death was guilty, so that is ripe for ghosting, like haunting.

00:43:30

Like, I'm pissed off, I wasn't guilty, you know? Sure. So that must be true. That's what we call ghost logic.

00:43:40

So there's, of course, legends that in the early 18th century, Blackbeard would fucking get locked up and chill out there, of course.

00:43:48

you know that pirate yes the living pirate what when he was alive you're saying yeah sorry i was

00:43:54

i just love ghosts so i thought we were so yeah as a as a full-formed human being that didn't

00:44:00

disappear shit blackbeard allegedly blackbeard came here was he american no no we'll talk about

00:44:08

it later we'll talk about it later jesus why am i asking questions um yeah he came here because

00:44:15

it was like a harbor and shit. You know. Uh-huh. So he was imprisoned in Provost

00:44:22

after blockading the Charleston Harbor. He took a bunch of local citizens hostages

00:44:27

because he wanted leverage because what he needed was medicine because he needed,

00:44:32

he had all these, his pirate friends on his ship, they needed medicine because they all had fucking crazy VDs.

00:44:38

Oh. Yeah. I thought you were just going to say scurvy. No. No. They weren't even pretending.

00:44:46

They had downstairs scurvy. No lime will help you there, my friend. I just realized how much this telling sounds like an episode of Drunk History.

00:44:57

And I'm not drunk! I did not take a big old gulp of that Yeti of brown liquor in the Uber.

00:45:06

But I wish I had. I know. We should have both taken a long pull off that thing. But eventually the town was like, all right, just get your fucking BD meds and let our people go.

00:45:16

It was just all to cure STDs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Were they really embarrassed as they were taking hostages?

00:45:23

Could you please come here and help me? Or just like, you're really itchy. Arr. Arr.

00:45:32

Arr. Arr. Okay, so one of the people that everyone says is a ghost here is a dude.

00:45:36

in 1718 a dude who was quote a gentleman pirate and I was like I don't know what that is I'm going to look it up

00:45:42

and you think I mean like he wasn't a dick to like the people he captured no he was a terrible

00:45:48

one of the worst pirates in history and it was because so his name was Steed Bonnet

00:45:53

Steve Steve Bonnet? Steed it's a little cooler than Steve I went to high school with Steve Bonnet

00:46:02

and he was a dick so he was he was initially this like kind of wealthy landowner he came from a good family

00:46:10

and then he got bored he got married and had kids and was like i hate this my wife nags me all the

00:46:15

time i'm gonna build the pirate ship which you don't do you're supposed to steal a pirate ship

00:46:19

i'm gonna pay the pirate the my friends on the pirate ship which you're not supposed to do you're

00:46:23

supposed to like divvy up the goods the booty you know um and so no one respected him and he just

00:46:32

was like, it's like when, you know, when, you know, something about a rich kid, when

00:46:38

a rich kid wants to be. Like a punk rocker. Yeah. So they just get a bunch of tattoos and then they panhandle and they're like, hey, can

00:46:44

I have 25 cents? And I'm like, I have three jobs and you have more gold in your face than I've ever seen

00:46:50

in my life. Pawn something. There you go. That's exactly it. Pawn something. That was me living in the upper haight in San Francisco.

00:46:58

I was like getting off the bus from my job at the Gap to get on the bus to go to my job at Bare Essentials.

00:47:05

Early days, thank you, Bare Essentials. Wonderful mineral makeup product. Thank you.

00:47:11

I didn't invent it. Ad placement. I didn't invent it. And there would always be like 19-year-olds from Marin County.

00:47:16

They'd be like, hey, man, could I have a dollar? And I'd just be like, you motherfucking asshole.

00:47:21

I know that's your Audi. Get into it and drive away. Okay, so he eventually, Blackbeard, like, took him under his wing because he felt bad for him.

00:47:32

The gentleman pirate? Mm-hmm. Okay. He was like, you fucking idiot. Let me help you out.

00:47:38

And they got caught, so they got caught escaping the dungeon, and they were brought back,

00:47:45

and then Bonnet's crew was imprisoned in the provost's dungeon, but because he was a gentleman,

00:47:49

Steve got put in the town marshal's house. Because he's, like, rich. Yeah, essentially, but the 29 dudes that he was fucking sailing around with had a stand

00:48:00

Shitty dungeon. Oh, there's a photo. Ready? No. You ready for this? Yes. There you go. What?

00:48:06

Look at that. Is this from that play you guys were in in high school? Look at that shit right there.

00:48:14

Oh, there's George Washington on the left. The guy who looks really bored with his head in his hands and tights on

00:48:24

is Steed. and everyone looks pretty bummed that doesn't look fun when you take a tour this is what it looks like

00:48:34

love it there's nothing worse than a sad pirate I'd rather than be waving their sword around

00:48:42

that's like I mean it just looks and you have a VD and you're fucking trained there

00:48:47

that's such a bummer they're just like we're just down here with our gonorrhea we're never gonna get out

00:48:55

yeah this sucks We miss the ocean. What if that night when everything closes up, those dudes come to life?

00:49:03

They're just really pouty, itchy pirates. Yeah, they don't do anything. Being dicks downstairs.

00:49:10

So they're all there, and they all are, the 29 men are executed by hanging after they had been stuck in the dungeon.

00:49:19

And Steed is sentenced to be hanged by the neck until you are dead. Wow. And he wrote to the governor at this point.

00:49:26

He was like, okay, I'm done with this fucking little game I'm playing. I want to go back to my nagging wife.

00:49:31

I'm not calling her nagging. He called her nagging. I'm sure she was lovely. And so he wrote to the governor and begged for clemency.

00:49:38

And he said that if you let me go, I swear I'll even cut my arms and fucking legs off to ensure I'll never pirate again.

00:49:45

Like that's how. That's what a big fucking liar he was. Asshole. Yeah. Did it work?

00:49:52

No. On December 10, 17, 18, he was put to death. So, goodbye. Now, if you're hung with an STD, do you have it as a ghost?

00:50:04

Do you think? These are things that we could have asked Teresa if she would just do a double bill with us, which she says she won't do.

00:50:14

Yeah. Oh, no! That was Teresa's alive ghost. It's an alive ghost. Did you use that paper already?

00:50:23

I already used it. Sorry. I feel like that's the first time that's ever happened on stage.

00:50:30

I think I've done it a couple times. Oh, have you? Yeah. Okay. Let's move on, children.

00:50:36

I'd love to. Okay. So then the British took Charleston in 1780 and under British control,

00:50:42

any patriots who were like, you know, we don't want you here, they put them in the dungeon alongside the pirates and raiders.

00:50:49

and so they're like these normal people and they're like scary pirates. I heard pirates are scary.

00:50:57

And they're left to die. They're from disease, injury, parasites, and rats. And because it was below the waterline

00:51:03

and right there on the harbor, the dungeon would flood sometimes and drown the fucking captives.

00:51:08

Oh my God. Which is like, I would haunt the shit out of that place. I would rattle some windows.

00:51:14

Exactly. There were windows, it was a dungeon. Oh shit. I'd go upstairs into the tea room.

00:51:21

The book and shit. And often they would just leave the dead there in the dungeons with the living.

00:51:27

Really? Yeah. Jesus. I know. It's almost like it's a dungeon. It's almost bad. Soon after the British took over, they locked up a local trader named Casper Strobel.

00:51:39

He's a 63-year-old dude. His only crime was that his two sons were fighting for the rebels, meaning our side.

00:51:44

and in retaliation he was detained in the Provost's dungeon where he remained in

00:51:50

chains until he was insensible and then he was released and then he died the next fucking day from madness

00:51:56

so that's how crazy it made you there the exchange's most notorious execution came in 1781

00:52:03

with the advent of the American advent? of the American Revolution this is where you guys did the play I bet

00:52:11

so Isaac Hayne was born in 1745 to a pretty well-off family. He married a woman named Elizabeth Hudson.

00:52:18

They had seven children. They were just like, oh wait, there's the dungeon again.

00:52:23

Isn't it kind of beautiful though? It's pretty, well you know what? You gotta love a nice arched dome.

00:52:29

Yeah. I'm kind of like, if I ever buy a house, I'm gonna give this to the fucking

00:52:33

interior designer and be like. And be like, and can you pick colors that go good

00:52:37

with flood water? And rat shit. Yeah. And I want around the house tiny rats and chains.

00:52:46

It's funny. It's an inside joke. Yeah. You should listen to the podcast sometime.

00:52:52

Okay, so that's him right here. She's laughing at your dude. He's just like... He's yellow.

00:53:03

He's super yellow. I have that same ruddy skin. I understand. Looks like a... I understand.

00:53:12

It looks like a light eczema. Yeah. Which means that the painter was like, I'm not going to put the full eczema,

00:53:18

but I feel like we need to let everyone know in the future. You know what it is?

00:53:21

It's rosacea. Rosacea, that's the one. That's the one. It's rosacea. Please excuse me.

00:53:26

I mean, it's on his chin. It's everywhere. It also could be that he just fucking loved booze.

00:53:30

And he was just like, I think I'm going to drink like seven mugs of mead and then get my portrait taken.

00:53:38

He just needs a little curel on that. Nivea, perhaps a bit of Nivea. Can I say though, excellent eyebrows.

00:53:47

Oh, yeah. Take a look at those. I mean he's very patrician. But he also he just looks like someone that would park in a handicap space to me Doesn he Okay question You have to go around with that haircut for a month

00:54:06

but you get a million dollars. You have to go do your normal shit. Yes! Yes! Okay.

00:54:16

How about $100? No. $500,000? No. It needs to be up in the six figures Yeah, yeah

00:54:25

Because it's really What is six figures? Seven Which is why we have an accountant

00:54:35

If I'm going to get a million dollars It has to have six numbers in it Sorry That's how I do business

00:54:46

I'm sorry How come Karen's so poor? She works so hard She just accepts She doesn't know

00:54:51

She always goes backwards with the zeros. She's like, no, I'll only take six figures.

00:54:56

Okay. It's like at the end of the night, someone hands me a $20 bill. No. Thank you.

00:55:01

That's my $20 million. Okay. I was just going to say, I can't take a bob that short.

00:55:09

Sure. That's why. That's why it has to be. I don't think that's not the problem.

00:55:13

It's not. What other problems do I have? I don't mean you. Are you saying I can't wear an ascot, motherfucker?

00:55:20

Remember? Because I can. No one's questioning your ascot wearing abilities. It's like way up I.

00:55:26

Remember what you said to me in the airport this morning? What? When you almost accidentally insulted me.

00:55:30

I went like, I feel like I look like this person today. I kind of had this vibe of the kid from Freaks and Geeks, which I get sometimes that I love.

00:55:39

And I kind of felt it and I told her and she goes, yeah, but he's attractive. But she meant, it's okay that you look like him because he's attractive.

00:55:48

But it sounded like. I didn't say the first part first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it sounded like I was arguing.

00:55:55

And I was like, oh, I'm going to cry in an airport. And this is why we have to go to therapy.

00:56:04

Also, it was fucking eight in the morning. It's just not fair. 100%. Okay. No, it was not on you.

00:56:11

It was on freaks and geeks. That happens to me all the time, though. Something comes out of my mouth, and then I'm like,

00:56:16

did I tell you what I did in Bloomingdale's? This is amazing. It was Labor Day weekend.

00:56:23

I was in Bloomingdale's. I thought it was going to be so crowded that, like, it was the mall,

00:56:28

and it's just the store attached to the mall. So I thought it was going to be packed.

00:56:33

And I was walking through, and there was, of course, hardly anybody there. Maybe because fucking Bloomingdale's isn't where everybody wants to shop.

00:56:42

It's insanely expensive. You know, on Labor Day, everyone's like, you know where I really want to spend Labor Day?

00:56:46

Bloomy's. Just maxing out my credit card for two pairs of shoes. But as I was walking around, I looked over and there was a girl that was just standing.

00:56:55

It's like the thing that never happens, at least in California, at Macy's. You know at Macy's you can't get anyone to ring you up.

00:57:01

It's just like you have to chase people down. There was just a girl standing at the cash register waiting for someone to buy something.

00:57:07

And so I meant to ask her, has it been busy this weekend? But what I did was yell across the store, are you busy this weekend?

00:57:17

you asked the cashier out are you busy this weekend? and she's like like that and then I just started laughing

00:57:28

I was like nope, okay not what I meant then you can't explain it it's come out of your mouth as a full sentence

00:57:40

there's no there's nothing else to be done so now I'm dating this fucking cashier

00:57:46

We're deeply in love It's fine It's fine I love it Did you get the discount? Did you get a discount?

00:57:55

Friends and family baby Yes Um Okay There was pot involved Alright It was the weekend

00:58:04

There was pot involved It's California We have to do it Yeah they make us I don't even like it

00:58:11

The mayor makes you The mayor comes around To your house And makes you And they give you

00:58:14

Your rations for the week they're like smoke this in the mall parking structure before you go in and then have a real

00:58:21

good time and then ask out whoever you see i don't think i've ever asked anyone out in my life

00:58:29

really no i want you to never i want i'm gonna make you i'm that friend i'm that fucking friend

00:58:38

i'm gonna fucking make you ask someone out well i mean it worked the last time yeah you just have

00:58:46

practice let's talk about murder okay it was just so loud okay so he lived in a night he lived in a

00:58:54

nice mansion and all this shit he was super rich we're talking about Isaac Hayne again yes um not

00:58:59

yeah okay yellow jacket yes by 1776 in the middle of the revolutionary war hey he becomes a captain

00:59:07

in the patriot militia he's like let's fucking do this you know like he's in it like you know he's a

00:59:13

patriot. It would be so cool if that guy talked like that. Me and I love war. There.

00:59:20

No, they wanted to defend his country against, you know, the British. They're coming.

00:59:27

How many times do I have to say it? You know. The British are coming. The British are coming.

00:59:30

So then a British commander who captures the town, Sir Harvey Clinton, which I'm sure was played by

00:59:37

the kid that everyone hated in elementary school. He He captures a town in the siege of Charleston.

00:59:44

He threatens to confiscate the property of anyone who continues to be loyal to our town.

00:59:51

And he's like, you can't resist the royal anymore. Take your fucking shit. But he promised protection to anyone who would support the British So of course Hain he totally a patriot but he like I don want to lose my shit But also he got locked up and his wife and his children were on their deathbed from smallpox

01:00:09

So he's like, I just don't, I can't lose all this shit. I'm just going to sign it.

01:00:12

And he signed it and he was like, there was this agreement that he was like, okay, I swear I'll be on your side while you're here.

01:00:19

But when you're not here anymore, I won't be on your side anymore. still that's when it counts the most

01:00:27

when they're there it doesn't work like that 100% so the patriot forces push back

01:00:37

they get them out of there and he's like great I'm not in the royal militia anymore

01:00:41

the success of the patriots allowed him to believe that they were gone so he didn't have the obligation to

01:00:47

yell about how great they were anymore I love tea stuff like that. So, um, so, okay,

01:00:56

but then a few months later, he's captured by General Andrew Williamson. He's an American spy

01:01:01

working for the British, a.k.a. a snitch is what I wrote. Come on, dude. Be cool.

01:01:09

Wait, you mean the second guy? Because the first guy is not cool either. No, which one?

01:01:14

Andrew, is the case? No, no, no, he's, we like him. We do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

01:01:18

He, yeah, he did what he had to do for his wife and children who were dying. Right? And he was like, but I'm also like,

01:01:26

but I also like won't be on your side. Um, when it doesn't count. Right. Right. Okay.

01:01:32

But the really bad guy, the really bad guy who's like, I'm going to secretly be this guy.

01:01:36

And I'm actually that guy. He's the snitch. So, uh, they start to, to fear that the, the,

01:01:42

the, the, the, so they catch him and decide that, uh, Isaac Kane should be made an example

01:01:47

for what happened to those who commit treason. So all he did was tell them he was going to be on their side.

01:01:52

Then he wasn't, and then they're like, we're going to send an example of you. Oh, that's treason.

01:01:58

Okay, technically, yes. 100% technically. Two people who know nothing about history

01:02:06

now fighting about history. It's such a great place to start. It's the new TV show on History Channel.

01:02:13

It's happening. So he's in prison in the Provost's dungeon. and he begs the officials to let them see his children one last time,

01:02:20

but they're like, nope. And on the day of his execution, which is August 4th, 1781,

01:02:24

all the citizens go into the street. He's escorted by a party of soldiers to the gallows

01:02:28

with his hands tied behind him, and he's hanged until he dies. Okay, so he is one of the most prominent Americans

01:02:38

to be executed by the British during the American War of Independence, and he probably is haunting the dungeon, maybe.

01:02:44

so the old exchange and succumbing dungeons spent the 20th century under the threat

01:02:49

of redevelopment it was saved like I told you by the darkness of the revolution in all records

01:02:56

have identified at least 120 South Carolina residents or patriots who spent time

01:03:00

as prisoners on site for treason sedition sedition and rebellious speech and down in the dungeon

01:03:07

you can still see what's left of the original wall visitors and staff have reported

01:03:12

that they hear fucking ghosts and shit all the time, as well as moaning like someone's in a lot of pain.

01:03:18

There's rancid odors that come and go at will, which is like... Those are the costumes.

01:03:23

We went over that already. And visions of apparitions in period clothing with blank stares

01:03:30

while walking mostly through the halls. Can I just tell you something? That just reminded me of one time

01:03:36

I was at work, and I kept smelling this really bad cologne or perfume. It was really strong.

01:03:43

It's got to be a ghost. And it was really gross. And I kept going, who's wearing that perfume?

01:03:48

It smells so bad. It smells so bad. Who's wearing it? And I couldn't stop saying it.

01:03:52

And I would walk up and smell people and be like, I really wanted to find who was wearing this terrible.

01:03:57

And it turned out it was me. Of course. Yeah. I had switched. Normally I wear secret shower fresh.

01:04:05

And I switched to spring fresh. No. Or some other flavor. A fresh. And it did not agree with my armpits.

01:04:13

And it created a smell that was like, it was like, it was like if a dirty 13-year-old got ready for a dance without taking a shower.

01:04:24

But it was on me all day. You were the one. You were the one. It was me. I was haunted myself.

01:04:34

And some have seen chains being pulled and stuff. And dancing orbs are reported, cold spots.

01:04:39

and a few visitors are reported to be pushed and choked by invisible hands. Whoa.

01:04:44

Whoa, like actual hands coming out of the air? I mean, it was probably seven-year-old Susie who just likes to get attention.

01:04:53

These hands come up from really low. You're like, what do you want me to lean down?

01:04:57

Oh, look. What are these reaching hands? Some kid was like, I saw a ghost. And Susie was like, I got choked by a ghost.

01:05:05

We're like, God, Susie. Shut up, Susie. and it's all thought to be the ghosts of those who are left to suffer in the provost dungeon

01:05:13

and that's the provost dungeon look i like learning do you do i do was that what just happened um doubt it

01:05:26

bro from the show last night to this drive why is it never chill because this is our life

01:05:34

backstage on the road it's loud messy real and that's the best part whole crew no plan just moving

01:05:42

good thing nissan builds for that kind of chaos not just test tracks real life scenes late nights

01:05:48

road trips all of it that's why it holds up nissan was ranked number one in initial quality among

01:05:54

mainstream brands by jd power yeah you can tell 2026 nissan rogue built for what really happens For J Power 2025 U Initial Quality Study Award information visit jdpower slash awards

01:06:08

Awards based on 2025 model year. Newer models may be shown. Hey everyone, it's Cal Penn. I'm the host of Ear Say, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club.

01:06:19

This week on the podcast, I am sitting down with Ray Porter, the narrator of Andy Weir's audiobook Project Hail Mary,

01:06:27

massive sci-fi adventure about survival and science and what happens when you wake up alone very far from Earth.

01:06:35

I really had to make a decision because I caught myself getting that frog in my throat and starting to get teary as I'm narrating some of these sections.

01:06:43

And it's like, OK, yo, yo, yo, is this indulgent? And I really thought about it. I was like, no, at this point, it would kind of be betraying the trust the author and the listener have in telling this story if I don't go through it.

01:06:55

But there's places in this book that deeply emotionally affected me. And I left it on the mic.

01:07:02

That's great. Because it served the story. People will say like, oh, my God, I cried at the end.

01:07:06

It's like, yeah, dude, me too. Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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01:07:45

Tets age zero to ten. There it was. We did it. You did it. You did your story. Thank you.

01:07:51

Did I knock it out of the park? I'm sure you did. You must have. I probably did.

01:07:56

Great job. Thank you. Here. Now, we're going to then go back in time even one year before that.

01:08:03

Because my story on today's podcast quilt is from Kansas City. And this was December 9th, 2017.

01:08:12

So this was basically the one year anniversary of the one we first started touring.

01:08:17

Holy shit. Really? Yeah, because our first technically first live show like on the road was the Bell House show in Brooklyn, which was in December.

01:08:27

And the Bell House held 300 people. Many more than that wanted to go. We didn't understand that.

01:08:34

again apologies to the staff and management of the bell house who absolutely have our faces up

01:08:42

like bag check writers in the back of that do not give these people a show here again

01:08:47

pure insanity also that was back when i was the tour the tour manager i i'll take care of it i

01:08:52

said to georgia so confidently anyways this is one year later we're in kansas city which we

01:08:58

Kansas City we always have the best shows there those crowds are fucking nuts so this

01:09:04

was a night where we did two shows in one night and my story was the last this is the story the last

01:09:10

story on the second show so when Steven put this on the list because Steven pre listens to all the live

01:09:16

shows and then basically takes notes because we I'm so sick I'm so sick of my sound of my own voice

01:09:24

and everything around it so he basically says this is good that means mine everything around it is my voice so you're my voice

01:09:31

this isn't about you it's not making it about you so so this is the last so when steven put this on

01:09:41

the list of this was a good one i said how is this possible i remember doing this and feeling

01:09:46

physically ill yeah and then when we put it together and vince just we were trying to think

01:09:52

of hey do we have any stories like do you remember from this long ago yeah and we were just saying

01:09:56

if it was the if it was the second story on the second show that's what the bad feeling was not

01:10:03

that i didn't have a good time but that we shouldn't have been doing two shows right we

01:10:07

stopped doing it i think after that tour because it's like four hours on stage is too many hours

01:10:12

on stage it just like drains you mentally and you just don't have the heart you can't i mean god

01:10:18

bless fucking musical theater people and people who can actually do shit like that broadway broadway

01:10:23

people with like two on sunday fucking yeah we're not even singing so i do sometimes but

01:10:28

that's very low effort it's rough yeah we want to we want to do the best show and so we stopped

01:10:34

doing even though we could make a shit ton of more money we were like but we're going to put

01:10:38

out a shitty product so we refuse well and also because the energy in those rooms yeah so intense

01:10:43

and so big and so much like to doing two of that in a night i couldn't even imagine us doing that

01:10:50

anymore. It was pure ignorance that we were able to do it in the first place. Anyhow, so

01:10:56

please enjoy. This is at the Midland Theater in Kansas City, Missouri, and one of those big, beautiful, old

01:11:04

theaters that is so insane looking. I just took a tour of it online today just to see if I could remember any specifics.

01:11:12

But, you know. I was 37 years old. It was three years ago. I was a baby. It's crazy to think of.

01:11:20

It's so funny. So anyway, all that in mind, please enjoy my story of the Stull Cemetery.

01:11:26

Well, mine is slightly away, but this place has been of interest to me for such a long time.

01:11:35

And I was so excited because it's only an hour away from where we are right now.

01:11:39

And it is apparently, according to the Internet, the most haunted evil place on Earth.

01:11:44

It's the Stull Cemetery. Where the bride cat lives. Where the bride ghost lives.

01:11:54

Oh my god, I'm scared. Yeah, you should be. You fucking should be. Because guess what?

01:11:59

What? The devil comes out of hell twice a year to visit his child's grave, which is somewhere in the cemetery.

01:12:08

And I believe on the headstone they say the name is something, it looks like witches, but it also kind of looks like it could be someone's last name.

01:12:17

And so apparently the devil, although he is the Antichrist and the Lord of all evil, also cares deeply for his dead son.

01:12:25

So, apparently, that's the story. All right. Stull is a city. Skull? No, Stull with a T.

01:12:37

Oh, that would be fun if it was called Skull, wouldn't it? I mean, it would be fun, but then it bit on the nose.

01:12:43

Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. It's a touch habit. You're right. I'm like, oh, I get it.

01:12:47

So we'll go one letter off, and we'll call it Stull. Okay. It's an unincorporated community.

01:12:52

I said city. It does not qualify as a city. it's also quite small smaller than your town

01:12:58

oh fuck I wanted to win this is out it's in Douglas County, Kansas Kansas representing

01:13:09

see if it's that small then they're all here tonight yeah all of Stoll is here and they're ready to rise up

01:13:18

I'm so happy to hear you make that noise at us, Kansas because when I discovered, so basically I had what I thought I was doing,

01:13:29

and then I changed my mind. So I had Stephen, I was like, can you send me creepy things?

01:13:33

I want to do a creepy one for the second show. It's more fun. And so he sent me a bunch of choices.

01:13:38

Well, I see the Stull Cemetery, and I'm like, yes, this is it. It's my passion. Not so much so that I know what state it's in.

01:13:47

So then when I, at like 6 p.m. this evening, saw that it was not in Missouri, I was like pouring sweat at the desk.

01:13:57

I was just like, holy fuck. And I texted Steven. I was like, yeah, so that's not actually where we are.

01:14:03

So I need a new story. Did you fire Steven? Yeah, I fired him. But then I rehired him at a lower rate.

01:14:13

So it's fine. Thank you. That's all I need to hear. She supports you. No, it's actually, but then when I looked at it on the map, it's so fucking close that I was like, whoever's mad at this, fuck them.

01:14:28

And then I always forget we have such amazing listeners who drive for hours at a time to come to these live shows.

01:14:37

So, thank you. And now, let's journey to hell together. Founded in 1856, Stull was originally known as Deer Creek, but it was renamed after its first postmaster, Sylvester Stull.

01:14:55

Now, some say this city was renamed after him, but some say that the post office, if an area was unincorporated and didn't have a name, they would just call it by the postmaster's last name.

01:15:09

That was what they used to do back then. That's easy. So either way, here's to Sylvester Stull.

01:15:15

That is a haunted fucking name right there. I know. I call them Stully. They tore the post office down in 1903.

01:15:25

Hmm. I don't know why. They were mad about mail. Price of stamps. So this area was settled mostly by Germans and the Pennsylvania Dutch,

01:15:39

a.k.a. the Amish. You guys are here tonight? Amish? What if we got a big Amish following?

01:15:48

And they have to leave like three months before a show because they have to go by carriage.

01:15:55

Alongside a freeway all slow with a reflective triangle on the back. I love the Amish.

01:16:01

Could you imagine? They bring us like homemade things. Homemade. Well, that's what everybody does.

01:16:06

Yeah, that's true. We don't have to imagine that. Okay. Go. So 1857, there's six families that live in Stull, which I love.

01:16:19

So the same year, they construct a stone church on land donated by Jacob Hildenbrand,

01:16:26

and it's later called the Evangelical Emanuel Church. And then in 1859, Hildenbrand donated more land for the cemetery area.

01:16:36

Until 1908, sermons at the small county chapel were preached in German. A gorgeous language.

01:16:48

This small community never grew larger than 50 people at the time. Now it's up to 200. Congratulations, Stahl.

01:16:56

Keep it up. Every single one of those 200 people is pissed about how many people tried to come to the Stahl Cemetery and fuck around.

01:17:06

They hate it. Okay, someone named Chris Christcraft. What? Who wrote this? It's got to be right.

01:17:17

It's got to be right. Like Christ Novoselic from Nirvana? It's Christcraft, an inhabitant of the settlement during the 20th century,

01:17:26

recalls that life in this small town was quiet, easy, sometimes even boring. No shit.

01:17:34

Said everyone here. Right? Yeah. Until... So this is all directly taken from a website called The Week and Weird.

01:17:42

And the guy that writes this website went to the Stull Cemetery. So a lot of his stuff was first-hand.

01:17:49

It's really hilarious because he's like, I got there and there were fires in all four corners of the cemetery.

01:17:54

And I was like dude are you sure Okay so he writes for over a century Stull Cemetery has been linked to countless legends involving witchcraft satanic cult

01:18:06

Why are you pointing at me? Because you love it. I love it, but I'm making you love it.

01:18:11

Okay. And of course, the infamous gateway to hell. Have you ever heard about this?

01:18:15

No. It's the best. Is it a gateway to hell? It is. It's not a highway to hell. ACDC owns that.

01:18:23

They have the copyright. According to legends, Lucifer, the devil, that's who I was talking about earlier, he once used the church that was in the center of the cemetery.

01:18:40

Then it became abandoned, and he used it as his own personal doorway from the netherworld.

01:18:46

it was in Stull where he would rouse the spirits who had been buried inside the gates

01:18:52

of the most evil cemetery in existence sorry people who are buried in the Stull Cemetery

01:18:57

I don't know what you did wrong you fucking fucked up Amish people oh no you're alienating

01:19:04

our Amish listeners that's Scott our Amish listeners hand crank podcast machine it plays podcasts and makes butter at the same time so good

01:19:22

i just feel like they wouldn't the devil wouldn't be like kansas i feel like he'd be like

01:19:29

you know transylvania i don't know i mean like that's not against kansas that's for like why

01:19:35

would you know what i mean it's like too late they're you guys are better than that

01:19:38

That's what I'm saying. You're better than Transylvania. Oh, now I'm insulting the Transylvanian listeners, too.

01:19:45

Look at that guy in a cape standing up. Sorry. His hair's all slicked back. Oh, no.

01:19:51

He's livid. He's putting his hands out and walking really slowly toward us. I'm not scared of you.

01:19:58

I'm scared. Okay. So this is really awesome. So this church in the center of the cemetery is, like, basically the center of all this evil doings.

01:20:08

and all this kind of stories around it. So there is, outside of the church, there is a, there's like a platform,

01:20:17

and underneath it, they said like grass has grown over it, but if you lift it up, there's a set of stairs that go down to nowhere.

01:20:24

No one knows where they go to. For real, though? Well, I mean, yeah. Okay. You know, it's like, we're like a half creepypasta realness right now, I would say.

01:20:34

Got it. But they say, and those who have done it, no names, no dates, nothing verifiable,

01:20:42

but those who have walked down these stairs say that as you walk down, a very strong force tries to pull you to the bottom of the stairs.

01:20:50

Gravity? Don't fuck up our scary story with science. I'm sorry. Fuck. I got a lot of sugar today.

01:21:07

It's just, the one person started walking too fast at the top of the stairs, and they, like, went down.

01:21:12

They're like, the devil is making me, oh. Or he did what I did, the opposite of what I did earlier,

01:21:18

and tripped up a step today. Yeah. He fell, and it's just gravity. Right. Yeah. Did you just fall all the way down on the ground when you tripped up the stairs?

01:21:27

It was really in front of people. Don't worry. It was in front of people. the whole valet stance yeah so no one tried to help me um i think that's best yeah when i fall

01:21:39

all the way down i want everyone to leave me the fuck i think they were like oh okay leave her

01:21:44

look away look away let her have her shame alone one time i fell and this is a quick sidebar i fell

01:21:50

out of a cab in chicago it was very odd it was like i thought i had it i thought i had it like

01:21:58

getting out of a car. I'd done it before. I thought I had this shit on lock. I thought I had

01:22:04

stepping up a fucking car on lock. I know, right? The devil tricks you. It does. The devil pulls you

01:22:10

down. You don't need stairs. It's a weird force. I fell down in front of this busy movie theater in Chicago

01:22:18

out of a cab. It didn't make sense. Like, if you had seen it, you'd have been like, but you're supposed to step up out.

01:22:24

And I just, like, kind of came out and down. And I did it where it was like hard enough, it was like my toe caught on this

01:22:32

curb that I didn't see or whatever, so I went full splayed and then my stupid toe baggy purse

01:22:39

fell in front of me, so all of my things just went like and then, so I was like, okay

01:22:46

I don't really live here, so I'm gonna survive this, I'll never see these people

01:22:50

again, but the saddest part of it was an old lady came and helped me up she was like, oh honey

01:22:57

Get away from me. You did this to me. So any hows. But here's the twist-a-roo of these stairs.

01:23:09

When you turn around to come back up the stairs, it takes longer, sometimes two weeks.

01:23:18

She makes sense what this article said. To get back up the stairs. Now, you don't know it at the time.

01:23:24

You're walking, you think, oh, that just took me four seconds. should have never gone down to the dark stairs I don't know where they go to.

01:23:29

Yeah, why did I do that to begin with? Then you come out and you're like, two weeks later,

01:23:34

this impacts my life in a very minor way. Yeah. I missed my favorite murder. Live.

01:23:42

That's about it. I didn't put the garbage out. It's those two seats right there.

01:23:47

Those empty seats. They're down just walking in place in the still cemetery stairs.

01:23:52

They like I wonder what murder they do God damn that devil Oh man I love that no one talking about going up or down those stairs reports that it is hot or anything

01:24:05

There's no hellish aspect that I've read. It might be in there. I haven't dug hard enough to the stairs.

01:24:11

Those are rumors that it's hot. Okay, go on. Sorry. I don't know. So these are apparently the stairs the devil comes up out of every spring equinox and Halloween to visit his poor dead son.

01:24:25

Who was the devil's wife? When did they have kids? I have so many more questions now that I'm done reading the story.

01:24:33

Not done, but okay. So the most widely accepted theory behind the origins of Stoll's evil reputation,

01:24:41

this is again word for word from the week and weird, is tied to both a large tree which once stood in the cemetery and an old tombstone,

01:24:50

oh, there it is, described with the word witch. Wich. So it's W-I-T-T-I-C-H. No, it's not a word.

01:25:01

Yeah. W-I-T-T-I-C-H. Okay. It's just lightly misspelled witch, I guess. Now that I look at it, it's not that big of a deal.

01:25:14

Now, the tree is said to be the hanging tree for the condemned witches who were put to death there by torch-wielding townspeople.

01:25:24

So like the seven Amish people got together. And they're like, you, you. You make candles.

01:25:30

We don't like you. You're a witch. Candles are our thing. And then the tombstone with the word witch engraved on it

01:25:40

is none other than Satan's son himself. Oh, shit. Who was, legend says, was born deformed and covered in wolf hair.

01:25:47

Hey, maybe that's just a dog. Okay. So a couple sad things that have happened in Stoll and around Stoll.

01:26:04

In the early 1900s, a boy was accidentally burned to death by his own father. Oh, it's like a weird turn.

01:26:11

It could have been, now keep in mind, that could have been the devil and his son.

01:26:15

That's why he's so sad. visits him so often. In the early 1900s, a local man in Stull was reported missing, and he

01:26:23

was later found hanged from that pine tree in the cemetery. And the old church in Stull is

01:26:31

believed to have been built in 18... I bet I said that right. 1867, cut and paste.

01:26:36

But then in the early 1900s, it fell victim to a fire. Okay. So, here's some other things.

01:26:45

One story tells of two young men her visiting still cemetery one night they become frightened when a strong wind begins blowing out

01:26:53

of nowhere it's called wind yeah isn't that how wind works if it doesn't start by going wind and

01:27:00

then like wait hold on i hear out of nowhere i hear the at the cry of an owl now that means wind

01:27:07

is coming so they run back to their car only to find that it had been moved to the other side of

01:27:14

the highway and was now facing the opposite direction. That's creepy. That's something only

01:27:19

the devil can do. He just plays these practical jokes. Once he comes up those stairs, he's ready

01:27:26

to have some fun. He's been bummed out by the death in the family, and now he's like, let's

01:27:31

fuck with some people's cars. I'm the devil. Okay, another man claimed that about the same,

01:27:39

that same mysterious wind that he was in church and he said that the wind came up knocked him to

01:27:47

the floor and held him down on the floor for some time some time he was a drunk oh okay

01:27:55

i don't know yeah i don't know i was gonna say that but i don't want to like well that was this

01:28:01

now you know like every single time maybe there's something spooky i'll let one i'll let one of

01:28:05

these things land. Okay. So you're going to, of all the things you could pick, you're picking wind-pending man to the

01:28:11

ground. Okay. Well, that's your pick. There's no going back. Okay. Okay. Alright. No matter

01:28:17

what I come up with later. Okay. Uh-oh. Is there something good? No. Okay. No, I love this. Like, I would go to

01:28:29

this. Oh. I mean, in one second. But they don't want people there, and I think it's very hard to find. Great. Let's go.

01:28:35

I'm right. Okay. So this church, it's been missing its roof since the 20s. And they say anytime it rains, it never rains into the church.

01:28:49

They got a new roof. An invisible Wonder Woman roof? Yes. No water ever drops inside the square of the inside church.

01:28:58

Okay. Not blowing your mind the way I wanted it to. Oh, sorry. Oh, my God. There it is.

01:29:04

But people would see this firsthand with their eyeballs. All stroke visitors would report that the tiny church would stay bone dry

01:29:14

no matter what time of year or the weather conditions. That reminds me of like a depression commercial,

01:29:20

like a commercial for a pill for depression when it's like the little thing and it only rains on him.

01:29:25

You walk around all sad and then he gets his pill and he's happy again. What if the devil just looks like that little blue circle

01:29:33

that rolls around with depression. Yeah. For what's that for? Cymbalta or some shit?

01:29:37

It could be Cymbalta. The Cymbalta circle. Is that a heart attack medicine? It could be.

01:29:41

I don't know. I don't know my... You guys know what I mean. Sola! Sola! Thank you.

01:29:48

This bitch knows her fucking pharmaceutical. Yeah, let's hear the Welbuterans in the house!

01:29:54

Come on There a Welbuteran rep here being like yes I can write this fucking ticket off

01:30:05

This ticket's my favorite murder. Business expense. Go. They say that. Oh, supernatural attributes.

01:30:15

The town finally gathered together to take this church apart because of all these creepy things that were happening and people saying things that were happening.

01:30:22

and then people coming to look to see if anything was happening and they're like, fucking take it down.

01:30:26

Let's burn this church to the ground. But that destruction made the spirits angry.

01:30:31

Oh no. And so that's when the hauntings in the graveyard flared up. Why didn't they just put a fucking roof on the goddamn church?

01:30:39

Oops, I probably shouldn't say goddamn church. I'm Jewish, I'm Jewish, it doesn't matter.

01:30:45

You know what, that can't just be your past. I know. I say that about everything.

01:30:50

It's not. I don't care. It's not real. Okay. They said that, this is one that you may have wished you'd picked.

01:30:59

Okay. They say, before the church was demolished, if bottles were thrown at the walls,

01:31:04

they would not break. Who the fuck is throwing bottles at the wall? And also, it's not scary.

01:31:09

It's not like, they're especially devilish. It's also like, I mean, like, I don't know.

01:31:16

So many, I have so many angry questions. The naysayer in me is like, fucking bubbling to the surface.

01:31:25

Well, they say that if the bottle didn't break, you were going to hell, and if it broke, you were going to heaven.

01:31:30

Oh, that's true. So then they all didn't break. Oh. So we're all going to hell. Got it, got it, got it, got it.

01:31:35

But at least we'll be together. When Pope John Paul II visited Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado

01:31:43

for World Youth Day in 1993, remember how fun that was? Who planned that? I was like, you know who we should get for World Youth Day?

01:31:52

You know, who the kids love. The youngest man on the planet, Pope John Paul II. Let's get him out here for World Youth Day.

01:32:00

He loves youth and the blood of Christ. Okay, so but they say there's a rumor, you know, whatever,

01:32:08

that when he is so scared of Stull that he made his plane fly around the area on his way to Colorado.

01:32:18

Okay. Which is, I guess he's the Pope and he has probably the most power of any religious person.

01:32:24

But do pilots take requests like that? I wonder. Could you go over to the left about 7,000 feet for a little while?

01:32:33

This thing is the devil. So stupid. Now I'm in the middle of the stupidest one I've ever done.

01:32:42

But is it also the best? Or the best. And the best. Oh, wait, it was in, oh, the urban legend would cite a Time magazine article stating the Pope John Paul II requested his plan fly far around the section of Kansas.

01:32:59

Oh, because he didn't want to fly over unholy ground. But it sounds like what they're saying here, oh, that article never existed.

01:33:10

This is a comedy podcast. We never promised you facts. I like doing gossip more than facts.

01:33:19

I think it's better. This is now a true crime gossip podcast. Also, it says here,

01:33:25

the Pope's plane was nowhere near Kansas during its flight. Well, for fuck's sake!

01:33:29

They're not even making me try to nay-say anything. They're doing it themselves.

01:33:33

I don't like it. The thing about Stull is you have to believe no matter what I tell you.

01:33:39

No matter what happens. Okay, so on October 30, 1998, the pine tree, the hanging tree.

01:33:46

Oh, I remember that. You do remember? Okay, good. It was cut down. And then a man from the Lawrence Journal world

01:33:57

quotes the... Is that the best newspaper ever? Okay, so whatever happens now has to be true.

01:34:05

Okay. And if it's wrong, it's your guys' fault. Because we believe you. What does he say?

01:34:11

Well, he quotes the official. Everyone says that the rumor is that they took the tree down because witches would go dance around it and do fucking witchy things and hold black masses and stuff like that.

01:34:26

But Kedrick Blackwood of the Lawrence Journal World quotes the official position of the town citizens on that tree had to be removed because it had died.

01:34:37

Oh, Lawrence. But then it was buried in a grave with a tombstone marked with it.

01:34:45

So now the tree is related to the devil. On Halloween night, 1999, reporters from local newspapers and TV stations

01:34:52

went to the cemetery to join all of the omeletteers because everyone was there to see if the devil was going to walk up the stairs.

01:34:58

That sounds like a fucking party. I want to be there with a blueberry and a fucking Long Island.

01:35:04

Right? Boom, boom. I'm seeing the devil. No. And then you guys sneak up and you come out of the thing.

01:35:12

Hi. And you're the devil. How did you go down those stairs? I went down three weeks ago.

01:35:16

I was ready for this fucking master prank. Damn. So, basically, they let people hang out.

01:35:27

The sheriffs were there, but they were letting people hang out. So. Up until 1130.

01:35:31

and then a man who was the representative of the owners showed up and insisted everyone leave.

01:35:38

And so then the deputies had no choice but to honor his wishes and make everybody, including reporters, leave.

01:35:44

Well, he sounds like the fucking devil. Party pooper. That's right. Was his hair slicked back

01:35:49

and he was wearing a red velvet coat? And a cape? That was the devil posing as the landowner.

01:35:55

Oh, man. You fools. Okay. In early 2002, a large group also opened in one of the stone walls after the church was struck by lightning.

01:36:04

Wait, I thought the church got taken apart. The fuck? It's the new church. It's the new church.

01:36:09

Never letting Stephen write my thing again. Wait, what? I know. Not really, but kind of.

01:36:18

Should you punish him for picking the wrong thing? Oh, okay, I get it. It was still up because then on March 29, 2002,

01:36:27

it was mysteriously torn down. This for real this time though, you guys. I'm serious.

01:36:34

But the man who owned the property now here it says that man is named Major Weiss

01:36:38

said he didn't authorize that demolition. Do you think of there hasn't been a thing here?

01:36:44

Oh, there hasn't been a church here in 25 years. I love when you do that. That used to be more of an old miner

01:36:51

but I just turned it into like Blanche from Golden Girls. I don't know what I was doing.

01:36:55

I just got excited this just sounds like a fucking episode of Scooby Doo this is the Scooby Doobiest

01:37:04

story I've ever done it really is there's no Mr. So and So it's the devil I feel like now that I'm reading this out loud

01:37:13

I feel like the key to this story especially and stories like this is when you're reading it on a website

01:37:19

that has black background and the writing is green it only lives there Once you pull it off of that, it's all ruined.

01:37:28

Because at the banner top of almost every website I've ever seen about the Stull Cemetery,

01:37:33

it's like, a dead tree and fog, but it's nighttime. And it's like flashing different colors.

01:37:38

I'm freaking out. The devil is on Earth. And now I'm saying it out loud and I sound like a big dumbass.

01:37:49

This is super dumb. In 2016, an earthquake hit Kansas. That's true. A big one, right?

01:37:57

So there was a picture that was going around on the internet that said, this is stole, the devil is torn stole apart or whatever.

01:38:06

And it was actually a picture from Christchurch, New Zealand, when they had the earthquake.

01:38:10

And their roads were like insanely torn up. So people were like, look, it stole dead.

01:38:16

Yeah. Truly, the devil is with us now. No. Okay, this is the last and best. in 2013

01:38:24

Ariana Grande did a show right here at this theater on this stage with this same audience.

01:38:34

She did a concert stop here at the Midland and then she they knew about Stoll already

01:38:40

so they decided they were all going to drive there and they're big black SUVs. You know Ariana Grande

01:38:48

Ariana whatever I find her to be very talented. she's done it all she's very very good at what she does when she hosted

01:38:55

SNL she was awesome so I just want I'm going to preclude everything I'm about to say

01:39:01

by saying that first however she has her bodyguards carry her around like a dog and it's so

01:39:09

funny maybe they want to do that maybe they're like you're so cute and tiny can we carry you

01:39:14

she's like I don't care I'm tired I work really hard But here's something I love.

01:39:22

There's a guy that I follow that's super funny on Twitter. Jesse, I believe his last name is McLaren.

01:39:28

And he did a thing where he tried to reenact Aria Grande's album cover where he sits on a stool with his feet tucked under

01:39:35

and he was basically pretending to start a thing saying this album cover is fake

01:39:39

because he couldn't sit on a stool like that. And then it got around. It kind of became a meme a little bit.

01:39:46

And then she fucking sent him a picture of herself not being able to sit on a stool.

01:39:50

Like, she got in on the party herself. Girl. Which makes me love her. That's how you gotta do it.

01:39:54

So, and I also love her because she went to the Stull Cemetery. So here's what she said.

01:39:58

Did they carry her there? They carried her. She said, I felt a sick, overwhelming feeling

01:40:06

of negativity in the whole car. Oh. Be like, that's your makeup artist, dude. She's a real bee.

01:40:15

She's nice to only you. Everyone else hates her. That's right. Ariana says, we smelled sulfur, which is the sign of a demon.

01:40:23

That's a fart. That's what a fart sounds like. Everyone. Hi. Say it again, but think of farting from the beginning of the negativity.

01:40:32

I felt a sick, overwhelming feeling of negativity in the whole car. Then the next line.

01:40:38

And then we smelled sulfur, which is... Sorry, but that's a fucking fart. Ariana.

01:40:44

That's the sign of an internal intestinal demon. Debunked. You saw it here. I wonder if this also supports your theory.

01:40:54

She said, then there was a fly in the car, also the sign of a demon. There was a fly in the car?

01:41:01

Suddenly a fly. Out of nowhere, a fly. You know, normally you know flies are there, you see them, you feel them.

01:41:09

Well, this one, this was a surprise fly. so they got so freaked out that there were two signs of demons in the car when they got there

01:41:18

that that she rolled down the window and said to the soul cemetery we apologize we didn't mean to

01:41:24

disrupt your peace and then she took a picture fucking artists man and they're like feeling

01:41:32

negativity and they're fucking apologizing to spirits and shit what if i just got struck by

01:41:38

lighting right now. Talk and die. How funny would that be? So awesome So many pictures on social media tomorrow That be great So she takes a picture and then says there were three distinct faces and she said quote they faces of textbook demons

01:41:57

You know. And then in the interview that she was telling a reporter about this, and the reporter says, can I see the picture?

01:42:03

And she goes, I deleted it because I gave it to my manager to upload, and he couldn't upload it.

01:42:09

and then when he checked, it had 666 megabytes of information. So it was too, the file was too big,

01:42:19

filled with demon faces. The demon was like, I'm going to make this take a papyri phone storage.

01:42:26

I'm truly sainted. And that is the worst retelling of the Stull Cemetery, everybody.

01:42:34

exemplary wow that was amazing can you believe i said all those things you said all those things

01:42:46

so many things you were here you were there we all laughed now let's get to what everyone's

01:42:52

been waiting for which is the hometown so we're you see now the point here is we've cobbled

01:42:58

together a live show with all our favorite live show moments without having to have you listen to

01:43:02

three. You just get best of. Yeah. This is a hometown that has gone down in the books. It's

01:43:08

legendary. It's an example of what not what we everything. Remember how we always go on stage

01:43:16

and say, here are the rules. And everyone's like, we know the rules. Well, you don't listen to them

01:43:20

sometimes. So we have to actually tell you them every time. Yeah. And you're all responsible for

01:43:26

other people in your town as you as all murdering murdering as well. No, right. Because after the

01:43:31

first time we were like yeah we kind of get heckled too much and the next live show we did

01:43:35

you could hear people just going yeah like we don't want to be that town policing yeah totally

01:43:41

self-policing which is so such a murderino quality that i adore it's just like nobody's going to be

01:43:47

that person ever and they won't allow you it's incredible work so this was absolutely an anomaly

01:43:53

someone snuck through it was my turn to pick it was all on me i had a i was picking at the time

01:44:01

It's always on you. Of course. I always put it on you. This girl seemed really enthusiastic.

01:44:05

And she was really close to the stage, which is helpful. We were in Washington, D.C., right?

01:44:10

Yes. And this theater was very old fashioned. It looked like a place where there would be a convention of some kind where it was almost like big, huge box seat set up on the side and then the floor.

01:44:23

Right. So she was on one of the boxes on your side. Right. And so she was close.

01:44:28

Yeah. And as soon as she started running up, it was uh-oh time. And it continued to be uh-oh time.

01:44:34

Enjoy this uh-oh time with the, in my opinion, greatest hometown anyone's ever delivered.

01:44:39

Do we have time for a... Yeah, let's do a hometown. Garbage. What's that? There he is!

01:44:52

Vince April! Vince April, everybody! Who's this super hot mystery dad you're fucking talking about out here?

01:45:03

Hey, listen, you don't listen to this podcast, so don't worry about it. All right, tell them the rules.

01:45:11

Not yet. Quick rules. And you know these rules, but I have to say them anyway. First of all, we want it to be a hometown murder.

01:45:18

We would love it to be a Washington, D.C. story, please. Maryland, okay, if, like, it's really good.

01:45:26

but don't nowhere else. Virginia? Virginia. Virginia, I'm sorry. This is the one

01:45:36

fucking time we'll let it slide. Seriously. Don't get any ideas. No Baltimore shit.

01:45:45

Just kidding, just kidding. That's like inside Baltimore comedy. You can't be so drunk you can't

01:45:50

tell your own story. It has to go fast because everyone hates you for getting picked.

01:45:54

don't shout out your friends because nobody cares not a good idea to tell jokes it's very nerve wracking to be up here

01:46:05

but just tell the story this is a new rule don't make jokes I'll pick hi oh Georgia

01:46:18

you have to go up there Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here. Wait, she just screamed real loud, though.

01:46:30

I guess I shouldn't have picked someone who had a full drink in their hand. Sorry.

01:46:34

Wee, woo! It says wee, woo! Wee, woo! Hi. You can bring the lights down. It happened.

01:46:40

So sorry. Hi. So sorry. I love you. Uh-oh, here we go. Are you a chance? My name's Mariah.

01:46:50

Hi, Mariah. Oh, my God. I'm Karen. What's your name, Mariah? Mariah. Nice to meet you.

01:47:00

Oh, my God. Okay, let's go. Hi. Hi. My name's Mariah. Hey, where are you from? I'm from Manassas, Virginia.

01:47:10

Right. This is some crazy shit. Okay, great. Okay. Deep breath. I know. I know. It's nerve-wracking.

01:47:23

Katie, I just... Get down here, please! Katie if you get down here I will fucking strangle you Do it You got this You don need Katie You don need anybody This is your story I serious

01:47:38

Do it. This is everything. Okay. I'm a restaurant manager. I just retired. I worked for Navy Federal Credit Union.

01:47:47

All of a sudden. I worked. Shut up. I worked for Carrabba's Italian Grill. Oh, yeah.

01:47:56

Plug. Katie. We love it. That's my baby sister. Stay out of this. Stay out of this, Katie.

01:48:02

You think you're better than me? Let your sister have her time to show me. You better be taping this shit.

01:48:06

I kid you not. Okay. Okay. I'm from Manassas. Yeah. What was his name? Who? Oh, I was a candy striper.

01:48:17

What? Yeah. I was. Okay. John Wayne Bobbitt? Yeah. That was me. I'm just a little girl.

01:48:28

John Wayne Bobbitt. Yeah, yeah. I love your hair. Thank you. I like yours, too. Mine?

01:48:33

Yeah, it's good. Oh, thank you. Bob. We've got to focus. We've got to focus and tell this story.

01:48:37

John Wayne Bobbitt. I can't believe I'm here. I know. Me, too. John Wayne Bobbitt.

01:48:41

I know. Do it. Manassas. Manassas. He got his dick cut off. Everyone knows. They know.

01:48:48

Okay, go. Tell your story. I was just a little girl in Manassas, Virginia. I can't believe I'm here.

01:48:56

No one can. Yeah. I know, right? Okay, you're a Manassas. You're a candy striper.

01:49:04

And I'm a candy striper. Okay. And it's around the corner. What the fuck? Go, Manassas, go.

01:49:13

You got this. What do I say? I mean, are you just telling the John Wayne story? John Wayne Bobbitt?

01:49:20

Yeah. All right. Thank you. thank you yeah that's the best one that's the best one

01:49:40

that's the best one we've ever had that's the best one we've ever had okay no no no no no

01:49:50

sit down no that was your hometown you got it that was it it was John Wayne Bobbitt

01:50:01

and we all had a moment together. That was beautiful. It was everything we love.

01:50:08

And listen, I feel like with John Wayne Bobbitt, it wasn't going to be a huge payoff.

01:50:12

It's a fucking, we all know the story. Also, it's not a murder. All right. Yay. We did it.

01:50:20

We did it. She did it. Good for her. She did it. She did it. Steven, are you going to leave in the part

01:50:27

where everyone says, pick another one, and I say no too bad. Yeah, leave it. Oh, we have to.

01:50:32

We have to. The full experience, you know. Just making sure. Because I know something that's wrong with me and a bad thing about me,

01:50:41

but there's moments like that are my absolute favorite where that audience was just like, get rid of her.

01:50:47

We're doing this again. And it's like, no, you're not. That's it. I get to say, this is our, you don't run this channel.

01:50:54

You don't run this channel. You don't. Oh, yeah. So we were basically like, and also because that same night, that audience didn't get ripped off, because then after all that was over, just as a backup FYI, we read from the book, remember?

01:51:07

Oh, that's right. We read from the book. So that was, we were just like, okay, moving on.

01:51:12

We read a chapter from Stay Sexy and Don't Get Murdered, which hadn't come out yet.

01:51:15

And we were recording it for the audiobook. So the live episode that we, if you listen to the audiobook, there's a couple live readings.

01:51:22

And that's one of them. That's right. I forgot about that. All right. Awesome. Let's do some fucking hoorays then. Let's do it. Go ahead. Okay. This is from Heidi Joy

01:51:31

Wind on Instagram. My fucking hurrah. Yesterday, my 15 year old and I had a one hour car ride

01:51:38

together. Just the two of us. Been a while. He decided to DJ the event and what followed was an

01:51:43

hour of us singing at the top of our lungs. Paul Simon, CSNY, Bjork, Peter Gabriel and the gorillas.

01:51:51

was both of us had goosebumps and were near tears several times. I had this overwhelming feeling that I had done my job as a mama well,

01:51:58

that he would be okay, and that I couldn't feel more love for him or the life he has ahead of him.

01:52:05

Let's meet teenagers. They're so hard. That's great. That's very sweet. I love that.

01:52:11

Okay, well, then this one, I'll read this one. It's kind of coming the other direction.

01:52:14

Okay. I hate my teenager. Is that what it's called? Where do I drop this one off?

01:52:21

This is from someone named Alyssa. And they say, fucking hooray, my stepdad adopted me last month.

01:52:29

He's the most wonderful man to my mom, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and he's loved me unconditionally since he and my mom got married over 10 years ago.

01:52:36

I'm an adult and married, so this really is only symbolic. But I got a new birth certificate and a new maiden name.

01:52:43

Without going into too much detail, my biological father is trash, and I don't wish to be associated with him, and we haven't spoken many years.

01:52:50

I was worried COVID would delay what I've waited for for so long. But via Zoom in a lawyer's office, it was made official and I couldn't be happier.

01:52:59

My new birth certificate arrived and I've never felt more free. Much love to my murder girls.

01:53:05

Love, Alyssa. That is so beautiful. I seen a couple of those where it either like you know adults or teenagers present that to their stepfather The ones I seen are stepfathers and it is the cutest like they immediately burst into tears and like oh it so lovely I love that And I think

01:53:26

symbolic acts of like stuff like that is so important, too. Because even though it doesn't

01:53:33

mean anything. Yeah, but it means something to you. And you're able to move on from this past

01:53:38

that you don't want. And it's also that thing of I think that step parent thing where it's like,

01:53:42

whatever step parent you might be that you're always kind of this outsider and intruder and

01:53:48

so how much that would mean to the parent who parented you know as as she said as alissa said

01:53:54

like parented her totally her actual life was her real father like that's beautiful that's beautiful

01:53:59

i love it um okay my last one's from morgy underscore why um my fucking hooray is that i

01:54:06

just finished as a marine animal rehabilitation and environmental education intern at the national

01:54:12

Marine Life Center. And before I left, we released four harbor seal pups back into the ocean.

01:54:19

They were separated from their moms due to human interaction. And it was one of the most

01:54:23

fulfilling things to see them successfully rehabilitated and going back to their homes.

01:54:29

Beautiful. That's so good. Did you see the story of the man who punched the great white shark?

01:54:35

Yes. Because he was attacking his wife. I saw it on the bananas Instagram feed, actually.

01:54:39

okay here's my last one and actually i found this one this one's from an older set of these

01:54:46

and i lost it because i printed them all up and lost it and i've been looking for it and i finally

01:54:51

found it this is from control shift tabs my fucking hooray is that today is my brother's birthday and we're all quarantined together in our

01:55:01

childhood home the big doofus when asked what he wants for the big two seven dinner goes i don't

01:55:07

know tacos probably thinking that um of supporting a local business or the nearby taco bell he

01:55:13

forgets that i'm furloughed anxious and that my motto is cooking is cheaper than therapy boy is

01:55:19

he getting a full taco bar in our kitchen tonight and a cake delivered by a friend who is a supermarket

01:55:25

worker and will get us an ice cream cake same day fucking hooray taco night i mean i know there's lots of people with nightmare stories but i do love that idea of

01:55:38

people just everybody going back to their parents house or apartment yeah or whatever and just having

01:55:44

to go be with their siblings again and spend time with people that you would have never had a chance

01:55:50

to spend this much time with again in your life probably you know it's like when play some uno

01:55:55

Get in there. Play some Uno. Do a puzzle. Eat some tacos. I mean, have an ice cream cake.

01:56:02

What more? Delivered. Pull those strings that you have in your town. Use that juice.

01:56:07

Get some cakes delivered. I love that she's like, ice cream cake, same day. Same day, bitch.

01:56:12

Same day. I've got fucking a connection. What are you, the mayor of your town? You lucky duck.

01:56:22

Well, everybody. Yeah. Send us your fucking arrays wherever you feel like it. The littlest things.

01:56:30

Doing a taco bar for your brother is a beautiful gesture and we need to hear about it. Totally. Things that are bringing you

01:56:36

joy and things you're doing to bring other people joy. You can brag about yourself.

01:56:41

Any of that. And of course, any story about your grandma is welcome. That's right.

01:56:45

All right. Well, I think that's it for this week. Yeah, I think so. We literally quilted something together for you.

01:56:55

It's beautiful. It's a beautiful quilt. It'll be for sale on the My Favorite Murder store.

01:57:02

Fuck you, I'm a quilt. We're going to start selling shitty quilts that say, fuck you, I'm a quilt.

01:57:07

I'll cross it for Christmas. What else do we have to do? We're in quarantine. All right.

01:57:15

Stay sexy. And don't get murdered. Goodbye. Elvis. do you want a cookie okay bro from the show last night to this drive why is it never chill

01:57:27

because this is our life backstage on the road it's loud messy real and that's the best part

01:57:34

whole crew no plan just moving good thing nissan builds for that kind of chaos not just test tracks

01:57:40

real life scenes late nights road trips all of it that's why it holds up nissan was ranked number

01:57:47

won in initial quality among mainstream brands by J.D. Power. Yeah, you can tell. 2026 Nissan Rogue

01:57:54

built for what really happens. For J.D. Power 2025 U.S. Initial Quality Study Award information,

01:58:00

visit jdpower.com slash awards. Awards based on 2025 model year, newer models may be shown.

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My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgi

236 - Like A Quilt

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