00:00:00
This is exactly right. Isn't some far off concept? It's already here. Next starts now.
00:00:33
Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA. Goodbye. When a charming neurosurgeon rode into Frontier Town
00:00:39
selling a persona of confidence and care, patients trusted him. He wore cowboy boots in the operating room
00:00:45
and became sought after by patients. He promised to heal them. Instead, he left a trail of broken bodies.
00:00:51
This is a story of greed, betrayal, and a fight for justice. Listen to Dr. Death the Cowboy wherever you get your podcasts
00:00:58
or binge the entire series right now only with Audible. Goodbye. Pandora Jewelry brings the sparkle to summer, now with even better prices.
00:01:07
Shop now for up to 50% off select jewelry featuring personalized pieces to must-have summer favorites.
00:01:13
Timeless jewelry made to move with you through every moment. Shop in-store or online now through July 5th.
00:01:18
Terms and conditions apply. See Pandora.net for more details. Goodbye. My favorite murder
00:01:32
Hello and welcome to My Favorite Murder. The Minion Toad. The Minion. We're going to talk about Minions only.
00:01:47
This is your central space for mini Minion conversations. We need to make some money.
00:01:56
And so Minions offered us fucking $10 to do an episode strictly about Minions. And we said yes.
00:02:04
We said we'll do those weird little voices. We'll put on those overalls. We'll have one eye.
00:02:09
And we're not even being taped. We're doing it anyways. I've watched those movies with Nora.
00:02:14
They're so cute. So many times. They're genuinely hilarious movies. They're genuinely great.
00:02:21
I was so bored. And I was probably high. and I put the first one on and I was like, oh, I was going to make fun of this.
00:02:27
And it's darling. Wait, what is the actual movie called? Despicable Me. Despicable Me.
00:02:32
Thank you, Stephen. I knew you'd know it. Despicable Me. And there's our $10. We've earned it.
00:02:38
Yeah, we did it. But part one, two, and I'm assuming three, because one and two, I can stand by and say
00:02:44
that is, turn that on. You'll enjoy yourself. Absolutely. I agree. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching.
00:02:50
Oh, my God. Feel the dollar bills pile up. Hey, happy Valentine's Day. Oh my God, it's Valentine's Day.
00:02:57
Happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. That's so nice. I forgot. Do you know what I do?
00:03:03
Huh? Here's my confession for Valentine's Day. Please do. Nora was having a fundraiser, a Seize Candy fundraiser.
00:03:12
Okay, these are the words I want in my life more. Okay, good. Because you're about to have them in your life.
00:03:18
I bought 12 boxes of C's candy heart-shaped boxes, Valentine's boxes, for everybody at Exactly Right.
00:03:28
And then just left them in the box on the counter, completely forgot about them.
00:03:33
And then I was like, what am I supposed to fucking drive all over the place? I should have sent them in the mail.
00:03:39
That was going to be my idea. It's like, you know, happy Valentine's Day. Love, George and Karen.
00:03:44
I was going to say, hey, since I'm the other happy. of exactly right. Can I get can I get a name on there? Of course. Oh, thank you. You're going to
00:03:53
be in there. There's a chance, though, that I've opened a couple and eaten only the because it is
00:03:58
like a it's not nuts and chews. It's the mix. Yes. So I don't like I would say three quarters of
00:04:04
what's in there. Vince and I definitely there's a there's a rift in this household of nuts and
00:04:09
chews or assorted. And I'm a definitely assorted. He's a nuts and guys, if you don't know what
00:04:14
assorted. I knew you were going to say it. Because I love the... Okay, I know this isn't
00:04:18
Minnesota. We're not supposed to be talking about shit, but guys, if you don't... Hold on a second.
00:04:23
Yes, we are. This is our... Who are the people? Who are the people that listen to podcasts and then go on
00:04:30
social media to say, I don't like when they talk on the podcast. They didn't do it my way. Go away
00:04:37
and start your own podcast where you say hello and you immediately start reading
00:04:42
out of Murderpedia. Go do that. Please. Wishing you well. Goodbye. Good luck. Get laid. Get fucked.
00:04:50
So if you don't know, if you live in the Midwest or something and have never been to
00:04:54
LA or through the airport in California, Sue's Candy is the best fucking chocolates I've
00:05:00
ever had in my entire life. The best. They're never not on our Hanukkah dessert table. It's just
00:05:06
like the fucking thing. It's the thing. It's a perfect gift if you don't know what to get people at Christmas
00:05:12
You get the two pound box of either assorted or nuts and chews depending on your personality.
00:05:18
Fucking monster or not. And then if you don't know what to bring to a party, you don't want to bring a bottle of wine or whatever.
00:05:24
Everyone loses their shit over a box of sea candy. It's genuinely great. And their caramels.
00:05:30
That's mostly what I'm in it for because their caramels are ridiculous. So insanely perfect.
00:05:36
Another 10 bucks. There we go. Welcome, Mary. Mary C, who is a feminist icon. That's right.
00:05:43
Good old Mary C on the front of every box. That's right. I'm going to come out of COVID with Mary C's haircut.
00:05:49
She has like the total 30s finger wave, but it's great. It's old school. Right. And she has her circular glasses and a beautiful shawl Yep Has anyone ever gone as Mary C for Halloween If you have may we please Mary C you Oh my Good one That would be the best idea
00:06:06
You just carry around a box and you give people chocolates because when you go in their stores
00:06:10
in the mall, you immediately get a free sample of a chocolate. That's right. So there's a reason.
00:06:15
Karen. If you have a seized candy at your local mall, and if you do, us explaining this to you is
00:06:22
stupid. But if you do, the reason the line is long, oftentimes it's not because people are
00:06:27
having to get those one and two pound boxes of candy. It's because they're up there like,
00:06:32
I'll take some of the molasses chips because it's for free. Right. Or if you go like, when you were in high school, it'd be like, I want a free chocolate.
00:06:40
I can't afford chocolate. So you go in there and buy one of their suckers or lollipops,
00:06:44
which are delicious for like a buck. And then you also get a free chocolate. Yeah. And then, oh, I love it. I love that place.
00:06:50
it's it's old-fashioned hometown that's right it's good time that's right but who i well on a later
00:06:58
podcast we'll discuss i wonder where seas is and isn't if it's like a west coast thing if it's
00:07:04
if it's pacific northwest and i feel like i've only seen it in california but i actually i here's
00:07:12
how i know that it's further than that because i one year bought a two pound box of seas candy
00:07:18
to my boyfriend at the time's mother who lived in Oregon, thinking it was this amazing gift of like,
00:07:25
let me bring the candy of my people. Yes. And I got off the plane and there's a seized thing,
00:07:31
like a seized kiosk right outside my gate. So I was like, well, here's a thing that you can get too.
00:07:39
It was like I brought her a big box of M&Ms. There you go. Enjoy the rare candy.
00:07:44
And that's why it didn't work out, I feel like. And that's why we had to let that relationship go.
00:07:49
That's right. End it. Meeting parents. That's another conversation for another time.
00:07:54
It is. The worst. That's the worst. Do you want to go first this week? Sure. Why not?
00:07:59
Let's change it up. It's Valentine's Day. It's Galentine's Day. Galentine's Day.
00:08:07
This is called Science Teacher. Just a good old gal. Hello, podcasters and podcast listeners.
00:08:15
Good one. This is a story about my high school AP biology teacher. We will call her Dr. Benson.
00:08:22
For one, everyone in my school called her Dr. Lucy in a condescending way. That was her first name.
00:08:28
And we'd always say, you know, Lucy as in Lucifer. Oh, yeah. This starts out bad and gets better.
00:08:37
She was a tough old girl weighing in at no more than 110, soaking wet and standing at a ferocious five feet even.
00:08:44
She could scare literally any six foot tall high school boy with one glance. Might I mention this woman is almost 80 years old and still hasn't stopped teaching.
00:08:56
Yes. Anyway, Dr. Benson had a reputation for going off on tangents about her own life.
00:09:02
In fact, the five students of our AP biology class, all girls, go girls, she said, were
00:09:09
We were many times able to get her to go down rabbit trails to avoid taking quizzes.
00:09:15
Yes. Yes. Dr. Luce, Dr. Benson, please tell us about your lives because we didn't study.
00:09:20
Dr. Benson, did you have sarsaparilla when you were growing up? Tell us all about it.
00:09:25
Tell us about hanging out with Mrs. C's candy. What was that like? What was Mary C like as a rebellious teen?
00:09:32
she told us all about her first love who was a man in the Navy who ended up with her best friend
00:09:39
ouch both of them later ended up dying on the bed together the notebook style oh that was true love
00:09:47
yeah she told us how she got her doctorate in animal science wrestling cows and pigs
00:09:54
yes a five foot tall woman wrangling cattle is still the funniest thing I've ever imagined
00:10:00
so many stories but there was one I want to share in this email. When she was 17 years old, she was a clerk for a
00:10:07
gas station in her hometown. One time she was alone counting out the money and about to close
00:10:12
up shop. Just then a large burly man with a ski mask and a gun walked in. The first thing Dr.
00:10:19
Benson said to him was, hey, we don't actually have cameras and I have a terrible memory,
00:10:23
so you can just skip the whole I'm a scary masked man bit. This took him aback with so much fuck you
00:10:29
energy that he actually took off the mask and demanded the money. It distracted him just enough
00:10:36
for Dr. Benson to have enough time to grab, and this is all caps, her personal shotgun that she
00:10:44
kept in the store to point at him. Oh, yes. This small 17 year old brought her dad's shotgun with
00:10:51
her to every shift for this exact moment. Hell yeah. The guy ended up just running out and Dr.
00:10:57
Benson closed up shop as usual. Also, the gas station did have one camera. So it did capture
00:11:08
his face. Yeah, and the guy got arrested for attempted robbery. She said she didn't know what
00:11:14
happened after that to the guy. But I can imagine he felt a little emasculated having been beaten
00:11:20
out by a five foot tall 17 year old girl. Stay sexy and don't ever try to fight small people.
00:11:27
Olive. And then it says, P.S., if you want the story of the time she stopped someone who was
00:11:33
assaulting her husband, just let me know. I have got far too many stories about this amazing woman.
00:11:39
Write her fucking biography immediately. But in the meantime, Olive, send that story in.
00:11:46
Put your name Olive in the subject line because we'll pull that immediately. Absolutely.
00:11:50
Unless you a ghost How are you a person from today who named Olive Unbelievable Lauren and Kurt Braunohler from our podcast network and Lauren our friend their daughter name is Olive which is It coming back It the best Come on back Olive I was a little mad that I couldn name my cat that because I have a friend
00:12:09
whose daughter's name is Olive. That would just be rude, right? I hope you really got in their
00:12:14
face about it. Fuck. And then their other kid, their son's name is Gus, which is the other best
00:12:18
cat's name in the world. And you're like, why are you doing that? Maybe I shouldn't be friends with
00:12:23
them anymore. Yeah, maybe you should break up with them as a couple. Isn't Gus the hot tub cat's
00:12:27
name? Yes. But that was that he was before them. So it's okay. Oh, okay. All right. Okay, here's
00:12:35
my first one. Hi, friends. This is a creepy neighbor story. I don't remember if you asked
00:12:40
for that. But let's assume you did. When I'm sure we did. When I lived in Salt Lake City,
00:12:46
my husband and I lived in a row home that was only four houses long. I don't know what that is.
00:12:51
I don't either. You know what I'm guessing? It's a house that's stuck to three other houses.
00:12:55
Or like in New York, how they have the railroad homes. I bet it's like that, where they're just like straight, narrow, but then the rooms break off.
00:13:04
Hold on a second. Oh, look at Stephen showing us rooms. Got it. Thank you, Stephen.
00:13:08
So they're houses that are just right next to each other. Smashed together. Yeah.
00:13:11
Got it. All right. So our next door neighbor was a 50-ish year old guy named Earl.
00:13:16
He was single, worked at the gas station next to our house, So was always outside his house smoking and hanging with people he met at the station.
00:13:23
I was walking to my car one day, not long after I moved in, and he stopped me and asked if I wanted to come inside to see his, quote, extensive butcher knife collection.
00:13:35
And went on to say he loved to sneak up on people and come at them slasher style as a joke.
00:13:44
I politely said no, thank you. And to never, ever do that to me. Oh, there are boundaries.
00:13:50
All red flags in this. Neighbor boundaries. Oh, my God. Okay. Fast forward to three years later.
00:13:55
Still living at the same place, I was coming home on the bus from work like I do every day.
00:14:00
It was a local bus route with the same people, and I thought it was odd that a guy I didn't recognize got on and off at the exact same stops I did.
00:14:08
I decided to take a weird route home to see if he was, in fact, following me or if I was paranoid.
00:14:14
I made a ton of random turns that looped back on itself, and he still followed me about 20 steps behind me.
00:14:22
I went to call my husband and realized my phone was dead. And then in parentheses, a common occurrence for me.
00:14:28
Me too. My husband worked later in the evening, and I realized I was being followed while walking to my house where I would be alone with a dead phone.
00:14:37
So my panic brain drove me in a direction that I didn't expect straight to my creepy neighbor Earl's front door.
00:14:45
He opened the door and I told him some dude was following me. And without skipping a beat, he said, I'm on it and came out of the house with, you guessed it, a butcher knife and a taser in the other.
00:14:57
The guy following was loitering behind a tree in front of my driveway and ditched quick after seeing Earl in all his knifed up glory.
00:15:04
But Earl sat in front of my door with his knife and taser, despite my protests, until my husband came home two hours later.
00:15:13
I fucking cry. It's the cutest. Oh, George is full on crying. You love the twist of Earl, huh?
00:15:19
Well, first of all, I feel guilty that I was like, he's the problem. You know what I mean?
00:15:24
And now I'm like, when you need someone in a moment, like I'll never. Can I just say the story real quick?
00:15:30
Yes. and I was like 21. I had my first car and I fucking, of course, died in the middle of a
00:15:37
busy intersection. And I don't know how to do car things. I'm 21 and I'm just standing out there
00:15:43
crying and people are honking at me. The only person who got out of their car to help me
00:15:47
was this enormous, fully tatted up, scary dude. And he saw me crying. He pushed my car out of the
00:15:55
way. He gave me his card because he was a tattoo artist, it turned out. And I was just like,
00:16:01
he was the only person who stopped to help me. So that's giving me those vibes. And I find that
00:16:05
very lovely. I mean, that is a beautiful story. And I think here's the thing. Earl was giving
00:16:11
off red flag vibes. You weren't wrong to say it because we all need to go over it time and again
00:16:16
where it's like, yeah, sometimes when people collect weapons, that means ultimately they would
00:16:21
like to hurt people. But what we're learning from this story is it doesn't mean that they want to
00:16:25
hurt the wrong people. Right. It's like Earl was a secret hero waiting for his moment and is with
00:16:31
his butcher knives to shine. However, I feel like her instinct not to go inside his house was the
00:16:36
right one, too. Yes. But also, that's just good neighbor politics. You don't want to be up in
00:16:42
your neighbor's house. Yes. You don't want to. Good fences make good neighbors. You just keep
00:16:47
your distance. Stay likable by staying far away. Amazing. That's that's what makes it all work.
00:16:53
OK, so God, a husband came home two hours later. Anyway, I don't know if the moral of the story is trust your creepy neighbors or charge your fucking phones or who the fuck knows.
00:17:03
Stay sexy and start collecting butcher knives. Aaron. Wonderful instincts. Beautiful instincts.
00:17:08
I think that was it's nice to have it's like a silver lining story happen every once.
00:17:13
It's also our friend Neil Mahoney, who was one of the most wonderful people anyone has ever met him has met, collected switchblades and knives.
00:17:24
And he just passed away like a month ago. Yeah. And everyone's devastated. And it made me think of him, too.
00:17:30
And like he he had he could have creepy neighbor vibes if you didn't know him, except he was kind of hot.
00:17:36
But he was hot and he had shy guy vibes, which actually only adds to it doesn't take away from in my opinion.
00:17:42
it adds to absolutely he listened to this podcast and as we uh got popular with it he sent me one of
00:17:54
the loveliest notes about how watching this happen to us was like watching two girls like win the lottery and buy all the roller skates and gumballs they wanted It was like the cutest loveliest
00:18:09
And he worked on Mr. Show. So he knew you from the beginning. I've known him for a long time. He was my secret crush for a long time. It's very fucking sad.
00:18:17
The idea that we lost Neil Mahoney of all people is is a goddamn tragedy. It is. It's just wrong.
00:18:24
It is. So that kind of made me like, yes, tear up from that. This one's called, let's bring it back up.
00:18:34
This one's called My Dad Tased Phil Spector. I had to read that because it's a spoiler, but it's also the best.
00:18:44
Okay. Hi, Georgia, Karen, Stephen, and all furry friends. It's inclusive. I like that.
00:18:49
I've been wanting to write into you for the longest time about my, quote, connection with Phil Spector.
00:18:54
My dad was a police officer in Southern California for almost 25 years and was one of the officers who responded to the 911 call after he shot and killed Lana Clarkson.
00:19:05
Spector was resisting arrest, which I didn't know. And my dad was the one who tased him.
00:19:11
Wow. I was eight at the time and it was extremely fascinated that my dad tased a celebrity.
00:19:16
And I told everyone I could until I was told to stop telling people. Hashtag oops.
00:19:23
An eight year old being like, hey, my dad tastes. OK, I remember watching the trial on TV as a kid and how they had to blur out my dad's name and face for privacy.
00:19:32
He was actually asked to stand up so people could see his height and weight. And it was questioned why he even had a tase vector, maybe because he had just killed someone.
00:19:42
Question mark, question mark, question mark. My mom actually attended the trial one day and said Spector turned around and stared at her and she got instant chills.
00:19:51
When I told my dad about your podcast and how I wanted to write in with the story and suggested to cover Phil Spector, he replied with, why?
00:19:59
That piece of shit doesn't deserve any more publicity. Needless to say, when Spector died a few weeks ago, my dad's response was fucking finally.
00:20:08
Thanks for all the stories that keep me entertained when I drive from Arizona to California to visit my family.
00:20:15
I've turned my boyfriend into a murderino and we've bonded over our interest into a crime.
00:20:19
I'm really glad my knowledge of serial killers hasn't scared him away yet. SSDGM, Kelsey.
00:20:25
Kelsey, nice job. Okay, here's, well, I'm not going to read you the subject line of this one.
00:20:31
Right. Because it is a, it's a giveaway. Hey, Karen, Georgia, Stephen, and all the amazing fur babies.
00:20:38
So just immediately trying to start a fight with me right at the beginning. I went to an engineering university where our primary focused study is aerospace engineering.
00:20:47
Among all of the smart technical people, here I was an art major. I always felt like an outcast, but some of the headlines my university makes made me feel more normal than I ever felt.
00:20:59
From a chemistry professor throwing a class made bomb into our pond to a professor shooting at a group of her colleagues because she didn't get tenure.
00:21:10
That's the one I did. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to pretend like I knew this, but Stephen actually just read it to us.
00:21:16
University of Alabama at Huntsville is where I'm guessing this person went to college.
00:21:20
Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Because I did the story of Amy Bishop, who shot a bunch of people point blank in a meeting.
00:21:28
Horrible. Oh, horrifying. Okay. My university keeps me shaking my head. What takes the cake, though, is when mysterious silver boxes chained down to benches started randomly appearing around campus. No one reported it. However, someone eventually did report the mysterious boxes and suddenly the bomb squad descended upon our campus.
00:21:49
Carefully, they blow up one of the boxes only to find a plane. Oh, what? Kittens?
00:21:55
What? No. Okay, good. A playing card inside. What? As these policemen stood there in confusion, a LARPing group.
00:22:05
Oh. Live action role playing came to tell police that these mysterious silver boxes were part of a game.
00:22:12
They were all playing for their quote unquote quest. Guys. The police were not amused and instructed them to go around campus and remove the boxes from all their locations.
00:22:23
So long story short, LARPing isn't unusual at my university, but our police department draws the line at LARPing games that involve mysterious silver boxes.
00:22:32
Fair enough. Right. Also that are chained. Yeah. Think it through. It couldn't be.
00:22:40
Think it through. Unless you had put crime scene tape around them, it couldn't have been more ominous.
00:22:45
Yes. Yes. That's no one wants that shit. That's ridiculous. A locked box in a public place.
00:22:51
Yeah. It's like if you see something, say something. Remember that quote and don't be the person who puts a thing there that someone has to see it and say it.
00:23:00
That's the seeing part. Yeah, exactly. Don't make people say things about the thing they can see.
00:23:06
Thank you so much for being an awesome podcast to listen to. You always seem to brighten my day while keeping me aware of horrible people.
00:23:12
Much love, Sabrina. Sabrina. Who fucking knew? I feel like you should be loud and proud about your art student status because
00:23:20
it could be so much worse as everyone at your school has shown or something. If you spend all day waiting to take your bra off, it might be time for Third Love.
00:23:33
If you're looking for breathable, lightweight comfort this summer, you're going to love Third Love. Third Love is built around getting the fit right instead of
00:23:40
expecting you to put up with something that doesn't work. And Third Love offers a full
00:23:44
range of sizes from AA to H, including their exclusive half cup sizes. So you can find a fit
00:23:49
that feels just right instead of close enough. Stop settling for bad bras. Whether you're looking
00:23:54
for more lift, back smoothing, or straps that stay put, 3rd Love can find your fit fast.
00:24:00
Their virtual fitting room gets you in the right size and matches you with the best styles for your shape.
00:24:04
If you've ever been fitted for the right size bra, you are in for a treat. It actually changes the whole game with bras.
00:24:10
I thought I was like a something-something A cup. I'm a something-something B cup, and it's just changed my bra game.
00:24:17
I thought I just hated bras, but I was wearing the wrong size. And with 3rd Love, they're so comfortable that it doesn't even feel like I'm wearing a bra.
00:24:24
Use code MFM15 for $15 off your first purchase at 3rdlove.com. Goodbye. Bye. While the world watches the stars at the FIFA World Cup this summer,
00:24:34
Hyundai has its eyes on the next generation of talent. The future soccer stars who are already turning heads at age 14.
00:24:40
Making plays that end up on everyone's feed, scoring from angles that don't make sense,
00:24:45
rewriting record books that barely had time to gather dust. Because Next doesn't wait for an invitation, and Hyundai doesn't either.
00:24:51
Hyundai has always moved the future within reach. Hyundai did it by making advanced safety standard on every vehicle.
00:24:57
Hyundai did it by engineering EVs with ultra-fast charging capability. And Hyundai continues doing it every day.
00:25:03
From robotics that change how people live to young athletes changing the game, the future isn't some far-off concept. It's already here.
00:25:10
Next starts now. Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA. Goodbye. Peace of mind can be hard to come by.
00:25:17
Especially at 2 a.m. when your house suddenly makes a weird noise. That's why so many people trust SimpliSafe to help keep their home secure.
00:25:24
Traditional home security only alerts you after a break-in has already happened, and that's too late.
00:25:28
SimpliSafe is changing that. The system is customizable so you can build the one that fits your home and your specific needs.
00:25:35
A 24-7 professional monitoring is effective and affordable and won't lock you into a long-term contract.
00:25:41
Listen, Cookie is a really good watchdog, but she's not going to tell me what is actually going on,
00:25:45
if it's a raccoon or if it's a person looking through my windows. You have to get this level of safety if you want to feel as safe as possible.
00:25:54
So you know what's going on. So I just feel safer with actually having something like SimpliSafe around.
00:25:58
There's a whole staff at SimpliSafe that's waiting to talk to you and help you out and tell you, no, you're fine.
00:26:03
It's a raccoon. Right now, you can get 50% off your new system by visiting SimpliSafe.com slash MFM.
00:26:09
That's half off at SimpliSafe.com slash MFM. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. Goodbye.
00:26:17
My last one is just hometown story. Oh, and maybe I picked it because of the opening.
00:26:24
Maybe not. Hi to all, but especially Cookie. Hello. When I heard your call for stories about hippie parents who went on to do good in the world,
00:26:34
I knew it was my chance to write in. I don't remember that. Do you, Karen? Yes, I do.
00:26:38
Okay, great. It's the woman who, remember the mom worked for missing and murdered indigenous women?
00:26:43
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. My parents, Lori and Mel, met in the 1970s when they were both attending a non-traditional program at the University of Montana.
00:26:54
One December night, they were hanging out at the train yard with their mutual friend, Joel, as one apparently does in small town Montana.
00:27:02
They decided to take a look inside one of the freight trains. One thing led to another and the train took off.
00:27:08
Oh, Joel bailed after a day or two. But my parents spent the next month riding the rails like old timey hobos and ended up falling in love.
00:27:24
Oh, I know. Yeah. When they finally made it back to Montana, they moved into a teepee with about 20 friends.
00:27:32
And then it says in parentheses, it was the 70s. And I'm sure my very white parents were less aware of cultural appropriation than they would be now.
00:27:40
So they started planning for their future. And while my mom had planned to become a nutritionist, my dad talked her into going to medical school.
00:27:48
She eventually became a pediatrician and went on to start a program where she provided medical care to all of the foster kids in Denver, Colorado.
00:27:57
She never told me much about the kids she'd work with. And I won't share any other stories because they're not mine to tell.
00:28:03
But I will say that it's inspiring that after 30 years of seeing some really fucked up shit, she still believes in the inherent goodness of people.
00:28:12
She fucking provided medical care to all the foster kids in Denver. That's like, that's saintly.
00:28:18
My mom is also known for her understated, dry sense of humor. She's given me great advice like, quote, if a man who has been divorced twice tries to get you to move onto a boat with him, just say no.
00:28:31
Which I like. Very specific And quote sometimes things seem bad but you just get used to them and then they get worse She gave me that second bit of advice in January 2020
00:28:45
So she fucking was visionary and a fucking predictor of the future. Yeah. Stay sexy and be careful who you hang out with in the train yard because you might fall in love.
00:28:57
Love Hannah and Hannah's pronouns are she her. a lovely romantic story it reminds me of like in college when you all go to a denny's after like an
00:29:08
event and you end up sitting at that denny's for like four hours laughing your ass off and talking
00:29:13
but then you realize after a while we this used to be my one of my favorite things to talk about
00:29:18
is after a while you start to understand that energy that everyone is i mean and this is very
00:29:22
theater student uh yeah typical thing i'm talking about but you realize after a while the energy is
00:29:29
actually coming from two people that have a crush on each other that they're the reason that everyone's
00:29:35
there those two people want to be around each other but are nervous and so everyone else is
00:29:40
there hanging out and having fun but there is there are basically two there's an energy between
00:29:44
two people that is like everyone else is feeding and they're like it's the only way they can break
00:29:48
down their boundaries enough to be the funny yeah like you're you want to be around your friends
00:29:54
when you with the person you have a crush on because that way you can be yourself and they
00:29:59
see what you're really like because you're so fucking nervous and terrified. The pressure. Yes, exactly.
00:30:04
The pressure is lessened. And so it's like the three of them were hanging out in the train yard, you know,
00:30:09
casual, no big deal. Then they're like, oh, it'd be funny if we all got on this thing. But her parents were basically
00:30:15
like, I'll get on this train and stay on it forever with you. And two to three days, Joel
00:30:19
was like, this isn't going to happen for me. This is stupid. And now we're like four
00:30:23
counties away from how am I going to get back home? He's like, I'm not going to be making out with either of you.
00:30:28
So I'm out of here. So peace and then just jump. I could just picture him just jumping and rolling.
00:30:34
You did me. From, um, throw a mama off the train. When he said Jimmy Crack Corn,
00:30:39
where the guy finally is like, I can't sing Jimmy Crack Corn anymore. Get me out of here.
00:30:43
Oh, train life. All right. Are you ready for the last one? Always. I'm not going to read you the subject line.
00:30:51
Although it's funny. Hi, Karen, Georgia, and Steven. Hi. Hi. I'm writing in because you all requested embarrassing stories.
00:30:58
And although my life is full of them, this one from my high school career ascends to a level beyond.
00:31:04
Bring it. Lucky for you, I've resorted to thinking about high school. I've resorted to thinking about high school as some distant fictional comedic farce, which makes it palatable to repeat to strangers.
00:31:18
Everyone try that. Everyone try. It's a not yet written chapter in your memoirs.
00:31:25
So just start practicing telling it. There's to be able to begin to transition out of bitterness, rage and pain from high school and take this person's plan of thinking about it as some distant fictional comedic farce is like a life plan.
00:31:45
It is. And everyone know who's in their 20s right now. You're going to also do that with your 20s. So don't worry about it.
00:31:51
Yeah, as a person in their 50s, let me just tell you this whole thing. This is the way you do all of life.
00:31:58
All of it. Just like Kelsey's mom said, it just keeps getting worse. So you have to like be developing this constant idea of like, it's not hilarious.
00:32:07
When I went into foreclosure, I always feel like that girl did this. Like I refer to myself at 35 is that girl was fucking crazy.
00:32:16
That girl. Oh, my God. I'd never hang out with her. That Georgia was me. It was not.
00:32:20
Yeah. Okay, I'm from a town outside Nashville, Tennessee called Brentwood. For a majority of my high school career, I was going through a very angsty, misunderstood phase. Aside from the fact that I played on the rugby team, I kept my internal aggression to myself, except for by accident one fateful Friday afternoon.
00:32:39
Our high school was our high school was hyped up for the football game that night.
00:32:45
So naturally, after the last bell rang, the teens flooded into the hallways with increased amounts of shoving and crowding.
00:32:52
I was navigating the chaos as usual. My hands full of books and my mind full of numbness and apathy.
00:33:00
That's right. That's how you do it. It was at this moment that the urge to yawn overcame me with my hands full.
00:33:07
I couldn't cover my mouth, which I thought was fine. Spoiler it was not fine Immediately after the yawn began one of the football players who was probably about six foot five rounded the corner with his arms outstretched like an eagle over the crowded hallway
00:33:24
I saw it coming and tried to end the yawn prematurely, but it was too late, which also you can't end the yawn prematurely.
00:33:32
You'll never look chill trying to end the yawn. yawn. Also, your muscles are set in such a way where you have to finish the yawn. You can't just
00:33:40
like snap it back closed. You'll die. You'll die. You'll die. But it was too late. By the time his
00:33:47
arm reached my face, it fit into my mouth perfectly, almost like a puzzle piece. I didn't have
00:33:53
I didn't have time to feel anything other than disgust and horror as I reflexively bit down on
00:34:01
his arm. This is his fault so far. I just want to go on record. I mean, it's very football player-y to just like fly
00:34:12
like an eagle. First of all, it must be fun to be six foot five. You're up above all the other teams.
00:34:18
You don't have to look straight into anyone's acne-ridden, sad, apathetic face. You're up
00:34:24
there flying like an eagle. It's a big night. The game's coming. As I quickly unlatched,
00:34:30
The crowd carried the two of us in opposite directions, not giving any time to acknowledge what just happened.
00:34:36
And looking back, I am incredibly thankful for the surge of sports testosterone that filled the hallways in that moment.
00:34:42
Otherwise, I might have made eye contact with the guy and died of embarrassment.
00:34:46
Anyway, thank you for all the laughs. No, there's not more. I want more. They got away with it.
00:34:52
Basically, big yawn, then like arm appetizer, and then just never the twain shall meet.
00:34:59
Two ships passing in the night. It could have been love, but instead it was just like tasted your arm and then walked away.
00:35:05
This guy, we're going to call him Chad. If Chad is a murderino and he's hearing this, you need to write your side of the story in immediately of what you thought.
00:35:17
Did you go to high school in Brentwood, Tennessee? Were you a six foot five football player?
00:35:22
Do you remember that fateful Friday afternoon of the big game? Could you not play because you had a fucking wound?
00:35:31
What if it changed his entire trajectory in life because he was going on to university to be like the fucking star quarterback or whatever.
00:35:38
And he got bit and it fucking. What if he had. It's the day of the big game. So he got high in the bathroom right before last period.
00:35:48
And so he's super high. He's flying like me. Oh, this is so cool. I'm so high. He gets bit.
00:35:54
suddenly the drugs turn on him as drugs will and he's like oh my god there is a zombie
00:36:00
outbreak and then he's freaking out for the rest of the night he doesn't play in the football game
00:36:06
and then he goes on to have a really successful career and very satisfying because he would have become
00:36:12
a drug head and he didn't because he was like well I'm never doing that was like his trigger
00:36:18
to be like I'm not doing drugs because he would have moved you know gateway drugs
00:36:22
or thing. He was definitely on his way to gateway to hell. That's right. However, I really wish this
00:36:28
had been a that's how we fell in love story. My God. It still can be. His arm fit into her mouth.
00:36:36
When does that ever happen? Like a puzzle piece, she said. Like a heart-shaped puzzle piece.
00:36:41
Maybe they're both divorcees. Guys. Brentwood High, when you have your 25th anniversary
00:36:49
reunion, what's it called? anniversary right birthday when you have your 25th birthday as a high school when you have your big
00:36:58
high school birthday what if he had had a crush on her the whole time and he had been wanting to
00:37:02
ask her out and then he was about he's coming around he's like you're an eagle man you can
00:37:06
fucking do this and then she bit him she bit him and then he was like if that's kind of a sign
00:37:13
she liked me she wouldn't have bit down on my arm and bit me right or i thought i fucked this up
00:37:20
Because I put my problem like if you're six, five in high school, you've already you've hit puberty and you have a hairy arm.
00:37:25
And he's like, I stuck my hairy fucking arm and in my crush. Yeah. What if separate from the romance we're projecting out of this?
00:37:33
What if it was just a thing where he never lifted his arms again? Ever. Like he would that suddenly that was that that's like a new fear he has.
00:37:41
He's just like, I can't put my arms out. He was trying to get the nickname the Eagle.
00:37:45
And that day it died. When he saw the movie Titanic he screamed so loud in the theater that he had to lose It was very triggered by Titanic Oh my God We did it Near far Wait there more to this Oh wow
00:37:59
Shit. Anyway, thank you for all the laughs and the real talk moments surrounding mental health.
00:38:04
Your podcast has helped me more than you know. Smiley face with a colon and a closed parentheses.
00:38:10
SDGM. SDGM? SDGM. I don't know if it's no stay or no sexy, But just SDGM and don't ever yawn without being up to date on your rabies vaccine.
00:38:22
Allison. Allison, thank you. Wonderful story. Allison. Thank you for letting us riff, giving us a chance to finally riff.
00:38:31
Allison, thank you for letting us be a part of your biting story. If you've got a biting story or a fly like an eagle story.
00:38:39
Or a Joe Biden story, even. Please give a rabies story. I remember in the 80s, rabies was a real thing to be scared about.
00:38:50
That's because Cujo was such a wonderful film. Wonderful film. And partially shot in Petaluma.
00:38:56
Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, there's a part in Cujo where they're driving to the mechanic's house.
00:39:01
And it's how we used to go home to and from school. It's Bodega Avenue. Yeah. And when I saw it in the movie, I was just like, we've made it.
00:39:10
Yes, you have. We're stars. my brother in high school he was he wasn't he was on a bad track and he had a movement with my dad
00:39:19
and my dad was like every boy needs a dog to get responsible with and so he got my brother they
00:39:25
went to the rescue and there was a puppy and they took him home and he was the sweetest dumbest dog
00:39:30
you've ever met he brought my cat the ball once to like throw the ball like he was just so sweet
00:39:35
and stupid. And my brother named him Cujo. Because he was an angsty teen with a fucking bad attitude
00:39:43
and this dumb sweet baby was named Cujo. He was our like childhood dog. That's hilarious.
00:39:53
Write your fucking story. We don't care what the story is. We won't remember even
00:39:57
asking for it. So just write it in. We just want to hear from you. Tell us a story.
00:40:02
Write your future memoir stories that you're trying to get some humor around that you still can't tell anyone.
00:40:09
You can be anonymous. Write them to us and we'll make fun of them. Sure. Also, I think in this episode, I think there was a little undercurrent of meet-cutes.
00:40:17
If you have a good meet-cute story for your relationship, whether it's like Kelsey's parents on the train or this imagined meet-cute.
00:40:28
Yeah, like a future. Have you met someone in COVID that's like, oh, I never. You know what I mean?
00:40:33
I found someone living in the walls of my house. Finally, one of those stories. He said his name was COVID Jack and we fell in love.
00:40:45
Yeah. I love meet cute stories. Yeah. If it's real in a better. Don't creepypasta us with a meet cute.
00:40:52
No. Are there meet cute creepypastas? I'm so mad at you. What a waste of time. This Minnesota is almost an hour.
00:40:59
Oh, shit. We got to get out of here. All right. Stay sexy. And don't get murdered.
00:41:03
Goodbye. Elvis, do you want a cookie? Pandora jewelry brings the sparkle to summer now with even better prices.
00:41:12
Shop now for up to 50% off select jewelry featuring personalized pieces to must have summer favorites.
00:41:18
Timeless jewelry made to move with you through every moment. Shop in store or online now through July 5th.
00:41:23
Terms and conditions apply. See Pandora.net for more details. Goodbye. Goodbye. Summer is all about saying yes, going out and bringing the mess home in your car.
00:41:33
Sand, grass, and melting snacks will inevitably hitch a ride. But with WeatherTech, you can live life to the fullest.
00:41:39
WeatherTech floor liners, cargo liner, and seat protectors allow you to keep up with your summer adventures without the worry.
00:41:45
WeatherTech is built for all of those summer things, allowing you the freedom to go all in.
00:41:49
WeatherTech is an American-made premium product built to last and easy to clean.
00:41:53
If you're going all out this summer, you need WeatherTech. Visit WeatherTech.com today.
00:41:58
Goodbye. While the world watches the stars at the FIFA World Cup, Hyundai has its eyes on the next generation of talent.
00:42:05
The future soccer stars who are already turning heads at age 14. Because next doesn't wait for an invitation.
00:42:11
And Hyundai doesn't either. Hyundai has always moved the future within reach. Hyundai did it by making advanced safety standard on every vehicle.
00:42:17
And by engineering EVs with ultra-fast charging capability. And Hyundai continues doing it every day because the future isn't some far-off concept.
00:42:25
It's already here. Next starts now. Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA. Goodbye.