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Hello and welcome to my favorite murder. The mini-sode. The mini-sode, wow. My hair is standing up straight.
00:02:07
I mean, it's core hair for sure. It's definitely. And that is, I say that as someone with wet 70s guy hair right now.
00:02:15
I always take a shower just perfectly not in enough time to blow dry my hair when we get on Zoom.
00:02:21
It's my favorite thing to do. dries terribly. Nice and frizzy on the bottom. Kind of a triangle.
00:02:29
I need a haircut so bad. Me too. We read you your emails here and your stories and they're about pretty much
00:02:36
anything at this point. Biting. Biden. Pulpits. Celebrity sightings. The dumps. The haunted houses.
00:02:49
Things in walls. Right. murders we we got it all do you want to go first this week sure okay speaking of biting
00:02:57
uh i'm not gonna reach you a little white subject hi karen and georgia long time fan here
00:03:04
a while back you asked for biting stories and that's b-i-t-i-n-g like bite well not joe biden
00:03:12
not joe biden well gee do i have one for you during my freshman year of high school my church
00:03:18
youth group would play games of tag at night in the completely dark and creepy church building.
00:03:24
Sexy. If this sounds like a bad idea, it most definitely was. One of these nights, I volunteered to be
00:03:30
it. Completely out of character for me, the girl who would feign injuries to get out of playing kickball.
00:03:39
Do you know that I once went to high school for a semester for bad kids, and PE was literally ping pong?
00:03:46
What? That rules. of good at ping pong because I was juvenile delinquent. Hell yes. And they finally picked
00:03:54
something kids want to actually spend their time doing and getting good at. They had that in the
00:03:58
smoking section in the 90s, which you didn't have anymore. It was pretty good. You're just like,
00:04:02
what up? That's the life. I'll do medial math. What's it called? Okay. Completely out of character.
00:04:10
But you know, I was feeling adventurous, a.k.a. I wanted to impress my church crush.
00:04:17
And nothing says hot, single, and ready to mingle like what happens next. Anyways, the game has started.
00:04:24
I'm doing okay. I've tagged a few people. I'm feeling good about myself when I see
00:04:28
one of my friends running up the aisles of the church sanctuary, and I've decided they're next.
00:04:33
They're pretty far ahead of me, but I'm running full speed and gaining ground when suddenly, they come to a complete
00:04:40
stop. It's too late for me, though. I'm committed. I'm airborne. I'm crashing into him. My mouth collides
00:04:46
with the back of his head. Suddenly, I'm on the ground and something doesn't feel right.
00:04:51
I think there's something floating in my mouth. Then it registers. It's my front tooth, root and all.
00:05:00
I'm inconsolable as my best friend leads me to the bathroom to assess the damage,
00:05:05
and the boy I crashed into follows, apologizing profusely. I repeatedly tell him, probably not super coherently, considering my newly acquired lisp.
00:05:15
Let me try it. You knocked my tooth out. You knocked my tooth. My in shock self had no mercy.
00:05:25
By this point, someone had found my older brother who drives me to the emergency room where they spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to shove my tooth back in the socket.
00:05:34
Ew. Which is about as fun as it sounds. Spoiler, it doesn't work and I will eventually have to get fake teeth.
00:05:42
I'm sorry, fake front teeth. after I get home later that night with one last tooth than I started the evening with.
00:05:49
To my embarrassment and horror, I find out through my completely full text inbox.
00:05:54
Oh my God am I popular now That when I collided with this kid I must have had my mouth open because he has a cut from my teeth on the back of his head and a concussion But who really cares about them
00:06:08
when you've essentially bit someone? Thankfully, he didn't care and even brought me flowers the
00:06:13
next day to apologize to me. I didn't get him anything to apologize for my small foray into
00:06:18
vampirism. But personally, I think my having to walk around missing a front tooth for a week at
00:06:24
the already awkward age of 15 was probably apology enough. Anyway, that's my biting story.
00:06:31
Thanks, ladies, for all you do. Your podcast brings some much needed levity to my days.
00:06:36
I tend to listen while I'm at work, and I'm sure some people are confused as to why I'm laughing to myself behind my mask.
00:06:41
And remember, stay sexy and don't get murdered. And if you're ever playing tag, keep that mouth shut.
00:06:48
Jamie. That's how hard Jamie was running up that aisle. Dedicated. But can I just ask, and maybe I just missed this.
00:06:58
Was it her crush he ended up biting? It sounded like it, but I think it was just a random guy.
00:07:04
And I'm sure either way. But the crush was probably nearby. The crush probably stopped to gawk.
00:07:10
Yeah. Losing a tooth is pretty intense. An adult tooth. Shit. Yeah. That was no, like, she wasn't in third grade.
00:07:19
No, exactly. Hopefully the teeth, the fake teeth looked better than the original.
00:07:24
Yeah, it's all you can. What if she just got her braces off? That's out of a like a teen movie or something.
00:07:32
I told you about the time I was super drunk on tequila shots at the wrap party for Shakespeare in the park, which the party was in the park.
00:07:40
And my friends were like, come down here. And I started running between two sets of benches and we're like basically built up all this steam between running and then ended up flipping over the bench.
00:07:51
And when I sat up, I spit out like a perfect divot of grass that was like a retainer.
00:07:57
Because when I fell, my teeth went into the dirt. You're so lucky. It wasn't like hard pavement.
00:08:05
That was the last time I drank tequila. And it was in 1991. That's the smartest thing you could have given up.
00:08:11
It's the worst fucking. Truly. Don't fall for the tequila. Like promise. The tequila promise is you won't gain as much weight because there's not as much.
00:08:21
There's some like thing about it's like keto or there's some diet that's like you can drink tequila.
00:08:28
Right. And then it's also like a cleaner. Whatever. It's fucking it's it's still legitimately poison.
00:08:36
I disagree that it's clean. I think it causes so many more problems than than fun.
00:08:43
Yeah. Whether or not there's something it's like a psychedelic almost. where it's different than normal drunks.
00:08:48
It is. You go crazy. Stick with vodka, everyone, if you're going to drink. High, not the bottom of the barrel vodka, too.
00:08:57
Brought to you by Smirnoff. This is my dad's Night Stalker story. Hello, MFM fam.
00:09:05
I finally have a story to submit to you. I was recently talking to my dad about the Netflix Night Stalker series when he,
00:09:11
which was amazing by the editorial opinions of us, when he casually slipped into the conversation.
00:09:17
Did I ever tell you about my Night Stalker story? What? What? So my parents met in Los Angeles and lived there around the time that the Night Stalker was active and terrorizing the city.
00:09:31
In the midst of this, my folks decided to pick up and move to San Francisco and had just settled into their new home.
00:09:38
When wouldn't you know it? Suddenly it was reported that the Night Stalker was running around San Francisco instead of L.A.
00:09:43
I'll never forget it. Never forget it. Oh, my God. The Night Stalker migrated north.
00:09:49
You guys must have been like everyone who's coming to our house. Yes. Every person. They were like the rumor that first that I remember going around was he's he kills people in yellow houses.
00:10:00
Then it was people in white houses. Then it was like you had to know certain people to know what the color of the house was.
00:10:06
because I think we've talked about this before, but we watched it happening in LA very like,
00:10:13
Oh, that's horrible for them. And then it came fucking right into the, I mean, it's such that story is unbelievable.
00:10:19
I want to see everyone painting their house magenta, but everyone, everyone in daily city was safe because that's the,
00:10:25
that's the city that little boxes, the song little boxes. Okay. Look that song up.
00:10:34
It's amazing. There's a red one. My dad thinks that every time we're on that freeway.
00:10:39
I love that. Okay. What? Where did we go? I don't know. My parents understood that the Night Stalker's MO meant anybody could be his next target.
00:10:48
So my dad took up a new routine of casing the house every night before going to bed to double and triple check that all the doors and windows were locked and that the house was secure.
00:10:58
Fine. Good. Work it out. At this time, my parents had a German short-haired pointer named Faust.
00:11:05
who by all accounts was just about the most perfect dog ever to exist. Stephen, will you pull up a picture of a German short-haired pointer so we can get a visual on this?
00:11:15
I have no idea what that is. German short-haired pointer, Faust. Sounds perfect.
00:11:21
But one night in the wee hours when everyone was fast asleep, Faust started barking up a storm.
00:11:26
My dad jumped out of bed, grabbed a baseball bat, and made his way downstairs to find Faust growling by the front door with his hackles raised.
00:11:35
With his adrenaline pumping, my dad started making his way throughout the house, looking for signs of a break-in.
00:11:42
He found that all of the doors and windows were still locked and didn't seem to have been tampered with,
00:11:47
so he opened the front door to take a look outside when he noticed something sitting on their doorstep.
00:11:52
Hold on, Stephen's got a picture. Bring it closer. Bring it closer closer closer Oh yeah those guys Oh gorgeous It basically what you think of when you think of a duck hunting dog as a German short hair pointer It doesn look like a German shepherd at all
00:12:06
It's like a hound. It's definitely a hound. It's just a German version of a hound.
00:12:10
Correct. It's got those freckles. I love those dogs. They're so cute. Those are dogs that like to have a job.
00:12:17
Those are dogs that need to go do things for you. Like go to an office every day.
00:12:22
They want to earn a living to bring home the bacon for you. You got those Excel spreadsheets aren't going to spread themselves.
00:12:31
The dog just deleting entire Excel spreadsheet with a paw. OK, so I'll reread that part.
00:12:38
So he opened the front door to take a look outside when he noticed something sitting on their doorstep.
00:12:42
It was a newspaper. Since my parents had just moved to the area, they've signed up for a newspaper subscription.
00:12:48
My dad had forgotten that their deliveries would be that very morning. I thought it was like a calling card.
00:12:52
I was like, a newspaper. Right. It's so sinister. The unexpected visitor that came by and freaked out the dog in my parents was none other than the paper delivery man.
00:13:02
I'm always talking about true crime with my mom and my aunt, but I rarely have these kinds of conversations with my dad.
00:13:07
He's the sort of person who prefers not to tell tragic and terrifying stories unless he can point out a silver lining or wrap you up in a hug afterwards.
00:13:16
We get it, Dad. Thank you for continuing to feed my true crime addiction and for providing a reason to laugh for so many throughout this hellscape that is COVID.
00:13:25
MFM and the Exactly Right Network is really getting me through it lately. Oh, my God.
00:13:29
Stay sexy and just sign up for an online newspaper subscription instead. Ellen. I love that.
00:13:35
And I love these stories of like people's kids finally asking them about their lives because, you know, we're all like so self-centered.
00:13:44
and then suddenly like your parents have these stories these untapped stories that no one's
00:13:50
ever asked them about i feel like that's a thing of our podcast that i really love and i've you
00:13:55
know it's with my dad too it's just like it's really lovely it's great yeah especially dads
00:14:00
who are like this usually the strong side those of us who have the strong silent type dads yeah
00:14:06
the dads from the 60s can't come out and be like honey i was so scared and alone like that's never
00:14:12
going to have it. You're not going to believe this. Totally. Okay. Old school in car entertainment
00:14:20
pays off. To whom it may concern. When I was a child, I would get bored while riding in the car.
00:14:28
This was a quote few years ago. So when we went places in a car, our entertainment was mostly
00:14:34
limited to looking out the window or fighting with my siblings. Amen. What can I just say?
00:14:40
DVD players in the back of fucking headrests in the back. I'm telling you what you you're so spoiled.
00:14:50
You have no idea. My friend Lisa told me this when we were in high school, but she did it when she was a
00:14:54
kid. And it made for some reason it stuck in my head and it made me laugh so hard.
00:14:59
Lisa Lanyon, SVH class. She said she used to stare out the window because she was her older sister was a lot older than
00:15:07
her. So she was kind of like an only child for a lot of her life. She would stare out the window and picture an invisible horse running along through the fields as they drove by.
00:15:17
So the horse would she would make the horse like jump the fences and go through the trees and stuff like that.
00:15:22
And she pictured this like a wild horse running alongside the car. What does she do now? Because that's such a great imagination.
00:15:29
She works with horses. She always has. She's like always she's an amazing artist and painter.
00:15:36
She does a lot of things. But I believe the last time that I heard from her, this was like a kind of a Facebook old time Facebook.
00:15:42
So it was a long time ago. But she was working with horses. That is beautiful. It's not the best, but it makes me laugh because it's such a specific like talk about having to get creative with your boredom.
00:15:55
Truly like we didn't you guys don't even know. OK, I never thought to learn about cars themselves.
00:16:01
And I'm still horrible at recognizing make model color. but numbers seemed to stick in my head. So I started memorizing license plates.
00:16:10
Every trip I would memorize as many plates as I could. And I loved seeing how the same cars would
00:16:15
pass you and then show up next to you at a light only to pass you again. Don't speed you guys.
00:16:22
You're not going anywhere faster. Yeah, exactly. Just says the girl who's a fucking race car
00:16:27
driver. As I got older and learned to drive, I had to pay attention to the actual road,
00:16:33
but I still habitually memorized the plates of anyone driving, quote, suspiciously.
00:16:38
I believe this was fairly random teenager criteria consisting of driving too slow,
00:16:43
stopping too long at lights and stop signs, and driving a super nice car in my middle class
00:16:48
neighborhood. Because those rich people surely must have been up to something. Eventually in college, I started driving on the highway a lot, and my criteria settled into people
00:16:58
who cut in and out me and tailgaters. Not not me, which is when my weird habit finally paid off.
00:17:05
I was. Yeah, I was visiting my parents. This is the best line I've ever heard in a letter.
00:17:11
I was visiting my parents' washer and dryer. Yes, searingly honest. Yes. One weekend and stopped at a gas station before I hit the road to head back to school.
00:17:23
when I went to walk inside to pay. Holy crap, the realization that this was before pay at the pump
00:17:29
just made me feel so, so, so old. At any rate, when I went inside the store, there was a car sitting out front.
00:17:37
A running car in front of a gas station really shouldn't seem that odd. And a gas station that is a block from the police station
00:17:44
should be extra safe. You can literally see the police station from the parking lot.
00:17:48
A lot of shits in those sentences. A lot of shits. You're setting yourself up for sadness.
00:17:53
You can should all over the place You have should all over this gas station And it not going to pay off You showed your pants But something triggered my habit And without thinking I memorized the plate number
00:18:05
Nice. Just as I walked in, I was bowled over by a man running out of the station and hopping in the passenger side as the car sped off.
00:18:13
Someone had just robbed the gas station. Just after him, a teller ran out trying to get the car's information.
00:18:21
I walked in, asked the other clerk if he wanted the plate number. wrote it down, paid, walked out and hit the road.
00:18:29
Blew the smoke off both my guns, put them back into my holster, got into my truck.
00:18:34
That's fucking right. Let a strike anywhere match on my belt buckle. Rolled a cigarette with one hand, threw it up in the air, caught it like Bugs Bunny.
00:18:45
Oddly, I have almost never remembered a license plate number since. Oh, that was the big, it was like the rehearsal and the performance.
00:18:53
You should all over the place and then you did your duty. And then my random habit found its one useful instance.
00:19:03
And I moved on, I guess. And that's it. There's no fucking I can't tell Emily or whoever how great of a fucking hometown that was.
00:19:12
They just bailed right out of that letter with no, no wrap it up vibe. Because that's who they are.
00:19:18
They left and they blew out their guns. at the end of this letter. They Irish goodbye'd out an email.
00:19:24
That's how cool that person is. Oh my God. Thanks. Thanks for even stopping by. Probably Emily.
00:19:30
That was amazing. Probably Emily. Bokeh. This one feels sensitive to me. Okay. So what I'm going to do is
00:19:41
it's an email that's based in earthquakes. So we're going to say that this took place in California
00:19:47
and that's as specific as I'm going to be. Okay. So I'm going to say, I'm going to replace all the other city place names with the phrase such and such.
00:19:57
Hello, pets and Karen, Georgia and S-Man. That's a first. I love it. Damn it. I'm sorry.
00:20:08
The S-Man. S-Man. Come in. S-Man. Oh, the S-Man. I just scared Mimi. Bye. Sorry.
00:20:17
Karen, Georgia and the S-Man is our 70s sitcom. I am currently riding from the car as I cross the such and such bridge with my family.
00:20:26
Yay for family vacations. As we are bumping along and while I'm staring down at the water,
00:20:31
imagining what it would feel like to jump off, parentheses, not suicidal, just curious.
00:20:35
My mom casually brings up the time her family thought her uncle such and such died
00:20:41
in the such and such freeway collapse during the 1989 San Francisco earthquake. Oh, I know all these details.
00:20:49
Okay. So sorry, I can be as specific as San Francisco. Yeah, because everyone knows the 1989 San Francisco Earth.
00:20:55
Of course. For those who don't know, and this is we're back in the email. In 1989 earthquake here in the Bay was a 6.9 magnitude quake that rattled the area during the World Series.
00:21:06
It killed roughly 60 to 70 people and had a massive financial impact on the Bay Area.
00:21:12
Now, this is in quotes. Yes, we all thought Uncle such and such died. He was a such and such on his way to work.
00:21:18
And after the quake happened, no one was able to reach him. We basically planned out his funeral and had come to terms with his death, my mom says, which I thought wouldn't have been as interesting.
00:21:30
But since we're coming home from a family reunion where I, in all caps, literally just saw Uncle such and such, I knew there was more to this story.
00:21:39
Basically, my uncle isn't answering his cell phone because he snuck off to a different country with a new and secret girlfriend after his divorce.
00:21:51
Damn. He was new to the cell phone scene and didn't have enough minutes on his phone for international calls.
00:21:58
So he left the phone at home. Upon his return, he didn't have any missing messages or calls.
00:22:03
Needless to say, my mom's family was shocked when he showed up the following month for dinner with a new woman.
00:22:09
completely unaware that they had a grave picked out for him. Oh my God. Today, my uncle's is as carefree as ever.
00:22:18
He still denies that it was a quote girlfriend. He took to a different country. As for my mom,
00:22:23
I asked her what she did during the earthquake. And since her and my dad were living in the Bay area during that time is
00:22:29
newlyweds. My mom, the bad-ass woman that she is handed out shots of Patron and vodka to her
00:22:34
neighbors to quote, calm their nerves while the ground rumbled to Tron. Oh, that's that's okay that's tequila that's okay that is a in an earth post earthquake when you're
00:22:46
when the truly in san francisco the world has crumbled around you she was doing god's work
00:22:52
on the street that night we were in southern california and felt it mildly and then watched
00:22:56
the new i was in fifth grade it was third grade it was terrifying for you must have been that
00:23:02
I was in Sacramento. I was in Sacramento, freshman in college, and we were on the second story of a building at Sac State.
00:23:12
And it felt like some it felt like God had picked up the floor and snapped it out like a sheet.
00:23:17
The whole room rumbled like a big roll. Yeah, it was one of the weirdest feelings I've ever felt.
00:23:23
It was totally different. And it was completely an aftershock because Sacramento is two hours away from San Francisco.
00:23:28
The crazy thing is I feel like nowadays all the earthquakes in California have been at night, which is almost like a blessing because during the day when everyone's out and about, it's so much.
00:23:38
There's so much more damage. It feels like so much screaming ladies with babies.
00:23:43
Help! I don't want to. I'm thinking of the movie Earthquake. Sorry. Stay sexy and always avoid earthquakes by going to Jamaica with your secret lover, Emma.
00:23:53
Yeah. You know, whenever we travel for live shows, I'm like, okay, let the earthquake happen now that we're
00:24:00
nice is that terrible just throw it like light the match and throw it behind you yeah as you travel
00:24:06
off okay oh my god what if there's an earthquake tonight there was one the other day i know there's
00:24:13
been a there's been a swarm as they call them i slept through it hey everyone it's cal penn host
00:24:21
of earsay the audible and i heart audiobook club this week on the podcast i'm sitting down with
00:24:26
Divergent author Veronica Roth to talk about her sprawling new novel, Seek the Traitor's Son.
00:24:32
It's a sci-fi fantasy epic about two protagonists on opposite sides of a war and a prophecy neither of them wanted. My first book was Divergent. And when that came out,
00:24:41
because it was so popular, I think it attracted mostly positivity, but the negativity,
00:24:47
I sucked in like a sponge. And I think it was critiques of things I liked when I was 23 and
00:24:55
I wrote this book and it had all my like dorky little cheesy or maybe unrealistic loves in it.
00:25:01
And I started to feel a lot of shame about those things. And so for the rest of my career, I steered away from those little things that like make you feel pleasure when you read.
00:25:13
But I also was like saying no to these parts of myself that I then was like, screw it.
00:25:21
So that's this book. Listen to Earsay, the Audible and iHeart Audiobook Club on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
00:25:28
Hi, I'm Cindy Crawford, and I'm the founder of Meaningful Beauty. Well, I don't know about you, but like I never liked being told,
00:25:39
oh, wow, you look so good for your age. Like, why even bother saying that? Why don't you just say you look great at any age, every age?
00:25:47
That's what Meaningful Beauty is all about. We create products that make you feel confident in your skin at the age you are now.
00:25:55
Meaningful Beauty. Beautiful skin at every age. Learn more at MeaningfulBeauty.com.
00:26:25
American Insurance Company or MS Transverse Insurance Company and administered by Pets
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Best Insurance Services, LLC. One dollar a day premium based on 2024 average new policyholder data for accident and illness
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plans. Pets age zero to 10. OK, here is a retro meet cute salutations. MFM fam. You asked for meet cutes and my parents, Vaughn and Francis, have the best one.
00:26:49
it's Colorado 1973 and my grandma Betty whose Glaswegian accent was so strong by the way
00:26:57
my friends often thought she was speaking a different language that's what it's like
00:27:03
Glasgow specifically it is when it's like that that is an accent that is that you need to hear
00:27:11
for a while you need to be immersed in I could just see you just furrowing your brow the entire
00:27:16
time trying to catch. It was always a big fake smile going. Sorry. Sorry. One more time. I'm
00:27:22
sorry. The local the local what? Okay. Was at her local watering hole. This is the grandma.
00:27:29
She met a nice fella who she thought might make a good match for her daughter. Is it weird that
00:27:33
my grandma was picking up men for her 17 year old daughter in a bar It is But you know the 70s So she gives this man who I think was inappropriately in his early 30s my mother Frances number 17 year old number 17 And he invites her to a party with him mostly attended by his co workers
00:27:54
While at the party, which I'm sure was a great first date for my introverted mom,
00:27:59
she notices a super handsome fella. In fact, all the girls were noticing this super handsome fella.
00:28:06
Spoiler alert, it was my dad, who was a more age-appropriate 21 years old. My mom saw this guy and knew, knew he was meant for her.
00:28:16
So she inserted her super shy self into the gaggle of gals surrounding my dad and tried to make an impression.
00:28:24
But what about her date, you ask? Well, she knew she had to play it cool. So she waited to make her move. Luckily, my dad was leaving the party at the same time as them. So sly like a fox, my mom slipped her number into my dad's hand on the way to their car. I've fucking done this before. I did it less. I did it way more, obviously, just like put out my arm in the most dramatic gesture.
00:28:47
Wow. And that was the person like, did they call you? Oh, yeah. I had met him before, but yeah, for sure.
00:28:54
that's a cool move that's a power move yeah in front of a bunch of fucking people too it was like
00:28:59
you're gonna call me what's up first you look over your shoulder and you go watch this shit
00:29:03
and then you hand it hey check this out and he'll date me everybody everybody look um without her
00:29:12
date being the wiser she had never done anything like that before but says she knew she couldn't
00:29:17
let this man get away she waited on pins and needles all night and barely slept but she
00:29:22
needn't have worried as my dad called her first thing the next morning to ask her out.
00:29:26
Oh, the real kicker. I know. Oh, the real kicker. My mom's date was you guessed it. My dad's boss.
00:29:35
Remember, it was a work party. Yes. Oh, that's right. Oh, no. He won't. He won't come out and
00:29:42
say he got fired over this. But it wasn't long before he quote no longer worked there.
00:29:47
that's actionable these days anyways but it gets worse part of the reason my mom had no trouble
00:29:56
getting my dad to call her was that he had seen her in a burger king two weeks earlier
00:30:01
and noticed how smoking she was and then it says the most glorious long 70s hair
00:30:07
and bell-bottom clad legs up to her neck that sounds real creepy uh he recognized her at the
00:30:14
party and was secretly thrilled when she slipped him her number. My parents have been happily married for
00:30:20
45 years on April 22nd, 2021, and they have been a truly inspirational role model
00:30:26
of what a marriage can be. I can't wait till we are all vaccinated so I can visit them wherever
00:30:32
it is they happen to be parked in their big ass RV. They roam the country in together
00:30:38
living the dream. Also, shout out to my murdering a mom who was a police dispatcher for the lakewood colorado police department for
00:30:47
over a decade she passed on her love of true crime to me along with her luxurious hair both of which
00:30:55
have greatly improved my life and then there's this new like gumdrop emoji that's got a winky face
00:31:00
you know what i'm talking about it's a gumdrop stay sexy and always slip cute guys your number
00:31:05
when you're on a date with their boss, Heather from Atlanta. Wow, that's amazing.
00:31:13
That's great advice. Fucking go for it. It also must be nice to hear a story about your parents
00:31:18
and have that feeling like it was a faded thing Yeah Like it wasn she made the effort but he was already excited about her That like such a sweet exciting part of that story And the best part is they didn have a bitter divorce and custody battle at the end
00:31:34
It's like, it's not as much of a meet cute when they end up fucking hating each other.
00:31:39
Mom and dad. It's not. It kind of takes away from it a little bit. So the fact that they're now roaming the country in an RV is like, it's hotter than ever.
00:31:47
I bet they hold hands when they drive. while they drive? That's not safe. I bet they have a hand.
00:31:55
Yeah, you're going crazy. What's happening? Okay. The subject line is new house surprises,
00:32:03
a treasure in the wall story. Ooh. Hello, all. Love the show. Love you. Love your pets.
00:32:08
Now on to the story. My family moved into our current home last August. Moving across the province
00:32:14
mid-pandemic and eight months pregnant is not something I would ever recommend doing.
00:32:18
Thank you for the tip. Now that spring has sprung, my husband has started with some house projects.
00:32:24
Project one was some landscaping out front, namely moving some overgrown shrubs from directly beside the foundation.
00:32:31
He had been outside for about an hour when he came in and asked, is it a Catholic thing to bury Jesus in your garden?
00:32:40
I mean, is it? I don't fucking know. It's not. It's not. that sounds like anti jesus i think it's actually you're not supposed to do stuff
00:32:51
it's not the 12th commandment thou shall bury jesus in your mulch and hope a jesus tree grows
00:32:57
no that's not uh that's not respectful of the icon of the j man got it and then in parentheses
00:33:05
it says i was raised roman catholic he was not to which i replied i'm sorry what he had found
00:33:11
buried one foot down in a plastic bag wrapped in cloth a tiny religious figure i immediately asked
00:33:17
if there was any blood on it assuming that it was a murder weapon he replied no but i also didn't
00:33:23
touch it with my bare hands just in case oh murderinos yes in parentheses it says match
00:33:29
made in heaven i think so yeah my best friend is way more catholic than me and then in parentheses
00:33:35
because there are levels. And she asked what the figure looked like. It was a man holding a child.
00:33:42
She told me it was probably St. Anthony and was buried because the previous owners lost something
00:33:47
and wanted it returned. When I told my husband, his response was, quote, does it matter if it's glow in the dark?
00:33:55
What? Because it was. And my friend responded, well, that's just hoodoo. glowing saint anthony is now in our kitchen yes i fucking love that they found the thing
00:34:09
that the people who lost something yeah they're like where please jesus help us find our statuary
00:34:17
and then buried it the next the very next day our sump pump was acting up so my husband was in the
00:34:22
crawl space dealing with that all of a sudden he comes running upstairs saying you thought the
00:34:26
figurine was cool. I just found the best thing you could find hidden in a house. VHS porn.
00:34:33
He found, tucked in the wall behind our sump, a VHS copy of Insatiable 2, along with the receipt
00:34:40
from the purchase in 2001. My husband's only regret is that we don't have a VHS player,
00:34:47
and I told him it was not worth it to buy one to watch old porn. His second suggestion was the VHS
00:34:53
player is at his parents' place. No! I also vetoed that idea. He is currently on the hunt for a digital copy.
00:35:01
That is all SSDGM Bailey Oh Bailey Hey everyone gather around Look what we found Guys guys we going to have a VHS porn party Look what St Jesus sent us Glowing St Anthony It just like
00:35:17
it's like a retainer that a kid would get that glows in the dark. I had one. Why does the statue
00:35:23
have to be glow in the dark? Well, because St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost or impossible,
00:35:29
lost items are impossible cases. So you pray to St. Anthony, like it's like your daughter's
00:35:35
wedding day and you lost the keys to the car or whatever. Then you stop and go, please St. Anthony, help us. So they must have lost something big and crazy to bury something
00:35:44
in the yard. Also, I've never heard of burying anything as a part of the process.
00:35:49
But I just don't understand what the glow in the dark part comes in. Patriot Saint of Raves?
00:35:53
yeah because it's lost cause um i think it's to help you find things in the dark
00:36:01
ah okay i think that's fun do they have glow in the dark in the patron saint age
00:36:08
yes um glow in the dark was invented in 10 bc by fucking ancient aliens who were making wallpaper
00:36:18
wow was that the last one? you did yours? I started but listen if you want one more hometown each
00:36:28
we're doing fan cult hometowns now if we've never read yours we're only reading stories from
00:36:34
the fan cult so you get a better chance of us seeing those you also get like merch
00:36:40
when you join like special and you get discounts on your merch And once we start fucking touring again, you get first dibs at tickets.
00:36:48
So it's all the benefits. They're pile high and wide videos and for just 22 cents a day.
00:36:56
You can have all of this and more actually way less than that, too. It's like 40 bucks now. Right.
00:37:01
Not now. It's always been 40 bucks. So we're not, you know, it's not a scam. Yeah. Stop accusing us of scamming you and stay sexy.
00:37:10
And don't get murdered. Goodbye. Elvis, do you want a cookie? This episode is brought to you in part by Vital Farms.
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