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Hello! And welcome to My Favorite Murder. It's the mini-sode. Oh! This is the one where you send us stories and we read them aloud back to you.
00:01:54
We sure do. You want to go first? Sure. The subject line of this email that we got sent is silly branding almost killed me.
00:02:04
Hi, Karen, Georgia, and the rest of y'all. Hope all is well and everyone is staying safe and getting vaccinated.
00:02:10
I grew up in upstate New York, the Adirondacks, during the early 2000s. So I was always exploring and the kid who everyone thought was kidnapped during hide and seek because I hid for a little too long.
00:02:24
As a kid, I was nonverbal. So that didn't help. And then in parentheses, it says teachers thought I was deaf.
00:02:30
So they sent me to a deaf academy and realized I wasn't deaf when I stood up when a fire alarm was going on.
00:02:35
Oh, my God. Amazing. Then it just says that being said, dot, dot, dot. One summer day, my four year old self was playing in my family friend's shed when I saw a large metal can with soda branding on it.
00:02:48
Of course, I decided to drink it because I'm stupid. My mom's friend, Tita, found me in her yard, passed out a few minutes later because I accidentally drank racing fuel gas.
00:03:02
The race car on the can's label was sponsored by Pepsi. Oh, I couldn't verbalize what happened, but I pointed to the can when my Tita woke me up.
00:03:12
Oh, she didn't want to call 911 because she was undocumented. So she gave me Ipecac syrup, put her fingers down my little throat and pushed on my stomach until she smelled the fuel come back up.
00:03:28
I ended up throwing up all over her yard and she thought that was the end of that.
00:03:35
But that night her dog ended up eating my vomit. And then in parentheses, sorry, this is gross.
00:03:40
And got sick as well. Thankfully, the dog and I survived that day because of my Tita.
00:03:47
Now I'm 22 years old and graduated with my BFA in graphic design, working as a branding slash packaging designer.
00:03:55
So hopefully I won't make the same mistake as that branding designer made. Thank you both for always cheering up my days with your excellent storytelling and humor.
00:04:04
Stay safe. Don't put food slash soda labels on lethal fluids. And then parentheses. I think this type of branding is illegal now.
00:04:12
Yeah, I was going to say. but also don't be the kid who drinks it no love melanie it's melanie not on you what an epic story
00:04:22
of why why i can't believe in the early 2000s they weren't better at diagnosing and sending
00:04:30
them to specialists first of all oh because she could have gotten so much help that wasn't
00:04:37
available because of simple adults not fucking doing their jobs right look okay the american
00:04:44
in school system is is that issue at the top of this. But to me, I think what Melanie learned the
00:04:51
lesson of what we should all keep in mind is if you're in an old shed, drink nothing. Yes. Yes.
00:04:59
There's a context clue situation here where, yes, there was Pepsi branding. Yeah. But that's going
00:05:06
to happen sometimes in life. And you have to know if you're in a shed, there's no beverages. There's
00:05:12
no fresh beverages i bet she never made that mistake again a so it was a learning experience
00:05:17
i also now can we move on to the topic of immigration and how this is what happens when
00:05:22
people are too scared same with sex work too scared to report their issues because they'll be
00:05:29
uh they'll be the the issue and be victimized let's talk about that so many issues
00:05:36
and let's praise EpiCac, everyone who has children. Yeah, I was going to say, now the final
00:05:43
issue, letting your dog eat barf, which is, right, we can't be with them all the time.
00:05:49
You know, this is a jam-packed, fully layered email from Melanie that then has like the beautiful lesson at the end of like now I a graphic designer So that never happens to any child in a shed ever again
00:06:05
It's a story of hope. Melanie, thank you for writing that. And what a gorgeous layered story.
00:06:11
She did it. Thank you for writing that to us. All right. This is all mine are about parents, which is always a good thing.
00:06:21
this is called the time my husband blew up his best friend hey hey all y'all and welcome to the
00:06:29
clan cookie thank you in a recent minisode you asked for the dumbest thing you saw another kid
00:06:34
do when you were a kid or something like that i don't i know you probably don't remember exactly
00:06:39
and anything goes at this point so i'm not going back and transcribe it verbatim hey no one's
00:06:44
asking it to calm down very defensive uh this isn't technically that but is the dumbest thing
00:06:50
I've ever heard of a kid doing, and it involves my husband more than a decade before I would meet him.
00:06:56
This is a little graphic, by the way. Let's set the scene. It is 1983 in suburban Philadelphia,
00:07:01
a middle class neighborhood whose residents were mostly cops and firefighters and where all the
00:07:06
children were latchkey. My husband was 12 and his neighborhood best friend at the time was C.
00:07:12
We'll use initials to protect the dumbassness, the son of a cop. In Philly, like in most big cities,
00:07:18
fireworks were contraband and the police would regularly stop kids and confiscate their stashes.
00:07:24
Once confiscated, at least back in the 80s, some cops would not destroy said fireworks or put them
00:07:30
away for safekeeping in some Indiana Jones style warehouse, but instead bring them home to their
00:07:35
own kids to play with. And it says, try not to be too shocked at the hypocrisy. So C has aid access
00:07:43
to all of these stolen fireworks. And somehow my husband managed to convince C to not set them off
00:07:48
as soon as they were brought home, but instead hoard them. And like the child with the most self-control in the marshmallow experiment,
00:07:57
save them for a bigger, better reward. Know where this is going. My husband, as he tells it, had a vision.
00:08:05
He had a plan. And that plan was that my husband, along with C and T, another accomplice,
00:08:11
would dig a giant hole in my husband's backyard, a deep hole that would require three preteen boys to dig.
00:08:18
They would then fill the hole with fireworks, cover the pile of illegal explosives, explosives with a mound of dirt, light a long wick placed in the hole from a safe distance and then enjoy the fruits of their labor.
00:08:33
A fireworks display worthy of the city that birthed independence. How well is this written?
00:08:39
Well, great. But I was going to say this is straight up Wile E. Coyote shit of like these are boys that watched a cartoon.
00:08:48
Sorry, where are you getting that wick? That's made up. All of this is completely from cartoons.
00:08:56
Well, if one of them has a firefighter dad, then they probably know how to make it out of
00:09:00
tools that I can't even pretend to make up. As a person with a firefighter dad, I say probably not.
00:09:07
Chances are probably not. Fair enough. And then it says, however, period. I know where this is going.
00:09:14
See, place the finishing touches on the mound of dirt covering the hole. And against my husband's instructions, C lit the wick while standing over the mound.
00:09:23
This is why children should not have access. There was an explosion. They got that part right.
00:09:29
And it blew C across the yard, taking most of the skin on his legs with it. Yeah.
00:09:37
Bare men. Oh, you're not surprised by this? Okay. But the dumbassery doesn't stop there.
00:09:44
because my husband and T, the other kid, fully realizing the gravity of this situation.
00:09:49
God, these stories, our first stories are so similar. Did not call an ambulance or even C's parents.
00:09:56
Instead, they helped him back across the street to his own home, put C on the couch, sprayed his legs down with solacane.
00:10:05
No, it's solar cane. What is that? That's for sunburns. It's for sunburns. I didn't know that.
00:10:10
I'm from California and I didn't know that, which explains a lot. Because you tan, you don't burn.
00:10:16
So you got a childhood of sunburns. But solar cane on exposed broken skin. We got EpiCac.
00:10:25
We got Solicare. We got kids. Okay. Covered him with a blanket, which is so bad for burnt skin, of course.
00:10:35
There's going to be a lot of lint in those open wounds. Yes. And turned on the people's court.
00:10:41
and then these two kids they went to the movies bye when C's mother who thank god was a nurse came home
00:10:51
hours later she found C in shock and covered in third degree burns and she called the much needed
00:10:59
ambulance C spent the rest of the summer in the hospital having skin removed from his ass
00:11:05
to create skin grafts for his legs, his little legs This is why we don't do latchkey anymore.
00:11:13
No, yeah. This is why fireworks are illegal. This is why cartoons aren't the same as they used to write.
00:11:19
Like, there's so many. This is so, it's an anachronistic little anecdote of horror.
00:11:26
Yeah. And yet, see, he never snitched. And my husband and T never faced any consequences for blowing C up and leaving him for dead.
00:11:38
Wait, so, okay. Kids, man. You say it. You're totally right. Whatever it is. Just then what cover story?
00:11:45
I blew my own legs up alone. I think so, man. This kid wouldn't snitch. He's no rat.
00:11:51
You know, he's in Philadelphia. I feel like you get taught. It be one thing if they were all like oh we super scared and we upset and this is horrible Those two motherfuckers went to the movies Yeah I wonder what they saw Indiana Jones Assholes
00:12:05
Fuck it. I hope they went. Yeah. Indiana Jones. And then when the part where they open the arc and the guy's face melts, I hope they both
00:12:11
started crying. Oh, my God. Oops. I hope. Yeah. Kids, man. Thank you all for the podcast.
00:12:18
Your humor, your friendship, your compassion and your honesty. You've been a safe harbor during this dark storm.
00:12:25
Stay sexy and don't blow up your friends. Therese O. Yeah. I mean, hopefully. Was it C, the burned child?
00:12:37
Yes. I mean, hopefully this is like a story he enjoys telling these days. And it's that vibe.
00:12:43
It's quite a if he's the best man and she or whoever's wedding. That's his speech is here's how much I love him.
00:12:51
I never snitched. Mom, guess what? I'm not seeing those friendships you know continuing through
00:12:57
into junior high I'm just not it doesn't seem likely it's a rough tale to tell maybe I should have told it
00:13:04
as you lay in that hospital you'd just be like huh yeah maybe better decisions I don't think so
00:13:10
you know what it's because we asked for these that's why this all is like a theme
00:13:17
which I kind of love so continuing with oh I won't read you this object It gives it away, but it says it's something violent.
00:13:26
And then it says lighthearted. Hello. My brother and I spent our early childhood in southern Alaska.
00:13:33
And for that reason, we were usually running wild and playing in the woods around the property line.
00:13:38
I was about five and my brother was like three ish when one day we were climbing a tree that had half fallen.
00:13:46
You don't want it falling all the way because that would be too safe. Yeah, that'd be that'd be too close to the ground.
00:13:53
For a three and five year old. Oh my God, three. Three. Oh, you're in charge, five year old.
00:14:00
Yeah, good luck. And you know, you know, those things you don't know anything about, like horrifying slivers
00:14:05
or poisonous spiders. Go find out on your own. Oh my God. Okay, so it says it was slanting enough to where two little kids could shimmy up and
00:14:14
hang about five feet from the ground. Who knows what he was doing, but my brother did something to make me mad and I gave him
00:14:21
a shout. he fell right out of the tree and onto his back i immediately did the oh shit you're okay you're
00:14:28
okay routine when my brother sat up with a big grin on his face do that again he cried happily
00:14:34
he's a toddler sorry he's not a kid that is a toddler uh so i called him back up he shimmied
00:14:41
stood on up on the fallen tree and i gave him another good shot he's like that makes my brain
00:14:46
feel good when it wobbles he fell again oh my god it was right then that my mom looked out the
00:14:51
kitchen window convinced i was trying to actively kill my brother parentheses and her favorite child
00:14:58
let's be oh she sped walked out the front door toward us in that specific way moms do when you're
00:15:04
about to fucking get it i do oh my god it's very specific yeah i tried to explain myself but she
00:15:13
was already checking on my brother and simultaneously telling me off i'm sure i was grounded or something
00:15:18
but I can't really remember past the part where my mom caught me pushing a literal three-year-old
00:15:23
out of a tree because he asked me to stay sexy. And don't push your siblings off of anything,
00:15:29
even if they ask you to. Grace. Here's how I would end that. If you put a five-year-old in
00:15:35
charge, it's your fault as the adult that they did something, not their fault until they're like
00:15:42
16. It's on you, parent. Yeah, because if she had sent those two kids out into just an empty flat field, then everything's good.
00:15:54
But if you're looking out into that field and there's all kinds of active nature danger, yeah, you can't really.
00:16:01
She knew the terrain. Either the sister was going to push him out of the tree or nature was going to push him out of the tree.
00:16:08
Remember when we would babysit babies at 11? At 10 years old and at 11. Sure. And then they'd put two of them together that were friends.
00:16:19
So it's like a 22 year old if you add their their ages together. If that's the way it works.
00:16:25
Sure. That's a way you could rationalize it. All right. OK. Spray first. Apologize later.
00:16:31
Lighthearted. What up, MFM? I'll try to keep this as Reader's Digest version as I can.
00:16:38
My mom and I are very close, meaning she wasn't the best at parenting. So we hung out quite a bit.
00:16:45
That's how it goes. We had to move around a lot due to insufficient funds, literally all the time.
00:16:53
At one point we were moving and my mom and I had a couple of Mike's special lemonades
00:16:57
going through our junk to, quote, get rid of and, quote, no, wait, I might use that soon
00:17:03
now that I'm looking at it. In which I found a pepper spray can. I had never actually used one before, and I began inspection to get me out of actually packing.
00:17:16
Mom was talking to me about how she had it just in case, but let's be real. It was in a box of tangled string and loose clips.
00:17:25
Really safe. I had seen an expiration date of three years prior to when this happened.
00:17:30
So I laughed out loud and said to mom, hey, I wonder if this still works. Then I proceeded to lightly tap the trigger thing.
00:17:38
And then all caps, I pepper sprayed my mom. She was screeching like a banshee and I couldn't help that awkward combo of I'm so sorry through hardcore laughing.
00:17:50
Yes. After a handful of minutes we managed to get her eyes to open comfortably Thank whoever she was laughing at the end too I can help but think about your you ladies relationships with your mothers And maybe Georgia can get a better closeness with her mom if she pepper sprayed her
00:18:09
Definitely. Thank you all for everything. And sincerely, I love listening and showing my mom your episodes while we hang out.
00:18:15
I truly am happy you guys exist. Karen, I hope your mom won't look down at me and be mad that I didn't offer to take my mother to the hospital,
00:18:23
which probably should have been an option. Stay sexy and pepper spray your mom, Brooklyn.
00:18:30
It's a good learning experience. What I think is funny is Brooklyn never said how old they were.
00:18:37
So at the beginning when the Mike's Hard Lemonade thing came up, I'm like, is this girl nine?
00:18:43
Yeah. One of those kind of stories. Yeah, I thought so too. Well, yeah, I bet she worked through years of resentments
00:18:52
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View important disclosures at acorns.com slash MFM. Goodbye. Okay. this last one that I was so excited to get to
00:22:11
the subject line is the human dartboard oh fuck you asked for stories of crazy shit people have witnessed other people
00:22:19
getting stuck in their bodies I don't remember that and I don't know what it means
00:22:24
crazy shit people have witnessed other people getting stuck in their bodies this must have been
00:22:30
a riff on all the things we were saying last time of like because there was a bunch of great ones that were
00:22:37
like, of course, you idiot. Like, why would you do that kid stuff? Yeah, I think this was this was like an addition to I was thinking of when you have those night waking nightmares and you can't move your body and you're stuck in your body.
00:22:50
Not things stuck in your body. Now I understand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, things for coming from the outside and going in.
00:22:59
OK. Years ago, my friends and I lived immediately next to a college. we never attended, parentheses, but I am banned from. Different story. Naturally, our neighbors
00:23:12
were a mix of party people, stoners, and a few stray families. The school's lacrosse players
00:23:17
lived across the way and were always doing unusual things in front of open windows.
00:23:22
One afternoon in early spring, we decided to watch the block jocks while smoking weed as we
00:23:27
refinished a coffee table. Think of a bunch of drunk 20-year-olds tanning on a muddy lawn
00:23:33
during what we call fake spring in Buffalo. Two guys were being particularly rowdy,
00:23:39
and one quickly stood up as if he were summoning the other guy to a duel. He gave a third guy his beer, motioned, watch this,
00:23:49
and walked a few paces as his opponent moved toward the center of the sidewalk. In one swift motion, Laxbro extraordinaire launched a dart directly
00:24:00
his friend's bare chest. Yes, a real dart in his chest. This dude seemed kind of surprised and
00:24:07
immediately looked down to see the dart sticking out of his pectoral muscle. After taking a second
00:24:12
to process what had just happened to him, the young gun decides to whip out his phone and take
00:24:18
a selfie. I can only assume that was posted with an underwhelming hashtag. The party immediately
00:24:23
resumed and he walked around with the dart in his chest for some unknown period of time thereafter.
00:24:29
Obviously, we didn't do anything because our stoned asses were so shook that we weren't fully sure it happened in the first place.
00:24:37
All in all, I'm glad he was fine. But damn, was that planned? Stay sexy and get consent before impaling your friends, Kate.
00:24:48
I don't have words for that one. It's pretty bro-y. It's pretty intense and bro-y.
00:24:55
I like that we might go down a direction like this. It opens up a whole world of bro stories that could be very fun.
00:25:02
Also, I like the attitude of the guy that got darted where he's just like, this is an important moment for all of us.
00:25:12
Yeah. Like, let's capture this and really remember it in the future. And I'm not going to let dart thrower one at me.
00:25:18
I'm going to wear this as a badge of honor inside of my body and maybe get an infection.
00:25:24
But it's right. But it's worth it. Yeah. Wow. All right. Well, my last one is a little long, but I'm really happy to tell it because it's actually my dad's story.
00:25:35
And we were doing stories about jobs and parents and all sorts of things. And so I was like, tell me my favorite.
00:25:43
Tell you write your favorite. My favorite story about you that he told me since I was a kid and he did it.
00:25:49
And I might cry. OK. By Martin Marty Hartstark. He wrote like most of my high school buddies.
00:25:56
No, no entry. I had no idea what to do after graduating in the summer of 1963. I was in the best of students, so no plans for college.
00:26:05
Besides, my family encouraged me to get a real estate license and join my uncle's residential development company in Los Angeles.
00:26:12
That meant starting at the bottom, cleaning up construction sites. No thanks. Many of my friends were joining various military reserves, Army, Navy, Air Force,
00:26:21
because besides a sense of adventure, it was a good way to get some training and experience
00:26:26
for six months instead of the usual three or four year commitment. Also, we weren't at war with anyone at the time, which made it relatively safe.
00:26:34
So at the tender age of 17 and a half, with my parents' permission, I signed up for the
00:26:39
Army Reserve and shipped out to Fort Ord in central California for basic training I won bore you with all the details of Army life and weekend reserve unit meetings plus summer camp war games
00:26:50
but I must say that looking back at it all now, it was definitely a major blast, especially because I was in a tank unit.
00:26:58
Unfortunately, the world changes and the United States becomes more and more involved in the Vietnam War.
00:27:03
I had read a few things about the history of that country and their struggle for independence as a former French colony.
00:27:09
I was against the war and would attend peace rallies knowing I might be arrested, beaten, or even shot.
00:27:16
In 1965, the number of troops being sent to Vietnam was going up fast, and the feeling at the time was that it would continue to increase even more rapidly.
00:27:25
The draft hit a lot of guys like a wet mop in the face. The possibility of combat in the jungles of Southeast Asia scared the shit out of millions of young men who couldn't get a deferment.
00:27:35
The reserve units were now full and only a temporary shelter if President Johnson decided to call up the reserves and National Guard to active duty.
00:27:45
Fast forward to 1967. There is now at least half a million U.S. troops fighting in Vietnam, and the number was still growing.
00:27:52
That summer, not to my surprise, I received a certified letter from the Army Reserve Commander
00:27:57
informing me that my unit had been disbanded, and I had 30 days to join another reserve unit
00:28:03
or be called to active duty. They needed bodies, and this was a less dramatic way for the generals to activate the reserves
00:28:10
without the negative publicity of calling up entire units at the same time. The gig was up.
00:28:16
After considerable detective work and networking, I was able to find an Air Force Reserve unit
00:28:21
that needed a breakfast cook, of all things. Breakfast specifically? Yeah, a breakfast cook.
00:28:27
Weird, right? Lo and behold, I had worked part-time at a local coffee shop washing dishes slash cooking and learned the art of omelet preparation.
00:28:35
The place was famous for its four-egg omelet loaded with your choice of condiments.
00:28:40
But the most important part for the cook was being able to crack two eggs in each hand
00:28:45
without a piece of shell falling into the omelet. Fortunately, I was able to schedule an interview with the mess sergeant at an Air Force reserve base a few hours drive from my home.
00:28:55
When I entered the mess hall, I was instructed to complete an application and wait until my name was called for a demonstration of my cooking skills in front of the mess sergeant.
00:29:05
There must have been 25 other guys waiting their turn, some even wearing chef whites.
00:29:10
Most of them were also reservists looking for a new unit. So basically they had to join another unit or they were disbanded.
00:29:17
Like all of them were disbanded and then they get sent. So as I waited in line, I wondered what kind of cooking skills they wanted to see and began to doubt my ability to get the position.
00:29:26
One of my common reactions to being under pressure Then I remembered the words of my dear mother when I was in doubt about my ability to overcome major life obstacles Bigger dummies than you have done it
00:29:38
With those words, I heard my name called and walked over to the grill in front of the mess sergeant,
00:29:43
who was sitting down with a cigar permanently stuck in the corner of his mouth. He looked me directly in the eyes and asked in the most serious tone what was my specialty.
00:29:52
I told him that I could break two eggs in each hand at the same time while preparing a four-egg omelet without a single piece of the shell falling into the pan.
00:30:01
The mess sergeant was impressed since none of the other candidates offered to prepare a similar concoction.
00:30:07
I surveyed the cooking area and decided to fry the eggs on the grill rather than a pan since all of them had already been used.
00:30:13
This was unknown territory. After washing my hands, putting on an apron and head cover, I cleaned the grill and spread cooking oil on a small section.
00:30:23
I selected a bowl in which to mix the four eggs, then the moment of truth, cracking the eggs.
00:30:29
There was an instant sense of relief when I looked down at all four eggs frying on the grill with not a single piece of eggshell.
00:30:37
Can't be completely sure how it all happened. maybe just luck or a zen moment of letting go, but somehow I managed to get the job done.
00:30:46
The mess sergeant was laughing and asked me where I learned to do that trick. I told him and he said he knew the place and would stop there when he was in that area of town.
00:30:56
A few days later, I received a call from the mess sergeant's assistant informing me that I was selected
00:31:01
and rattled out the dates for weekend and summer camp duty for the next three years of my reserve service.
00:31:07
A few years after the war undrafted and the draft ended, a college friend who served in combat in a combat unit at the height of the Vietnam War told me most of the Army reservists in his unit were wounded or killed in action during the first few weeks after arrival.
00:31:22
It seems that they were considered kind of like draft dodgers and not really trusted or included.
00:31:28
Moral of the story, even the simple of actions can make a difference in life. And that is by Marty Hardstark, my beloved father, who never doesn't say he's proud of me when he gets off the phone with me.
00:31:42
Ever since he shouldn't have been proud of me as a younger person. Nice. Yeah. Isn't that lovely?
00:31:50
Yeah. So send your stories of near misses, maybe. Yeah, absolutely. Fate and hard work.
00:31:58
It's really open. It's open and available to whatever you have. If it a good anecdote I mean like something like that where you know Marty like put in his hours at a diner and then those skills those learned skills him going and being like I don know what to do but I better learn something I better let people teach me something And then he could take those skills and actually do something with it later It saved his life And I believe in myself He had a rough time of it
00:32:26
which I know in detail. I don't know what go into, but he didn't have a lot of options in life. He
00:32:32
was from a rough background and he believed in himself, which I know is really hard for him.
00:32:38
and he said that bigger dummies than me thing is just, I think, a beautiful saying by my
00:32:47
grandma Molly. Way to go, Marty. Marty. Good job. Marty. Please write in your emails, all your stories, all the stuff you want to tell us about.
00:32:57
And if you want to hear one more story or write in a story to the fan cult, we are doing
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one more each in the fan cult. So check that out. It's only fan cult stories and they're really fun.
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