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What's up, Portland? Portland! Yes! Holy shit, the schnitz is rocking tonight. We were having so much fun just now with our pre-show prayer that we do
00:02:11
that I forgot we were about to walk on stage with a fucking shitload of people. And I walked up like, oh yeah, this is insane.
00:02:20
Oh, we have such a good time, guys. We really do, backstage. True friends. So amazing.
00:02:27
Our pre-show prayer this time, lately it's been lotion that we share. Yeah. This time.
00:02:34
That got weird. That got very couples massage where we were like, what are we doing before the show?
00:02:39
Yeah, but our hands looked great. Yeah, very moist. This time I was like, let's do the hand slap game.
00:02:47
But she said it and I immediately went like this. Okay. And got her backwards. She immediately cheated.
00:02:53
Tricky asshole that I am. with the best fucking shoes on I've ever seen. Hey. What?
00:03:02
Tell the story. Are you guys ready for this fucking true Hollywood story? This is bananas next level.
00:03:12
This is what happens. I was born on a farm and I had this dream to show off professionally.
00:03:19
So I was on a television show on true TV called talk show, The Game Show, hosted by America's favorite lawyer, Guy Brownham. Thank you.
00:03:28
That's right. Favorite lawyer. And America's sweetheart lawyer. And of course, when, as you
00:03:36
all know, when you're on a television show, they buy you a bunch of wardrobe just for you and you
00:03:41
alone. And so we did two seasons of it. And then I just got an email the other day and they were
00:03:45
like, hey, do you want all your wardrobe from that show? Now I was, I played a judge on that show
00:03:52
where I was kind of like a fancy lady who was very mean and judgmental, very different
00:03:56
from myself. It was a stretch. Was it a stretch? You know, I did a lot of workshopping of that character.
00:04:05
The funniest thing to me is, they were buying me shoes like this, and the entire time
00:04:10
you can only see, like, from here I was dressed just truly head to toe for just the... Because you gotta feel it,
00:04:18
you know? It's true. These are the judgiest fucking boots that you could have. So anyway, they said, do you want your wardrobe?
00:04:24
And I was like, okay, thinking they were going to send over, like, the three Vince shirts that I wore 15 times.
00:04:30
And instead, they sent me every single thing they'd ever bought me for two seasons of a TV show.
00:04:36
So I now have literally 25 pairs of shoes like this that I will never wear. Never.
00:04:44
Can you fucking believe that? I'm just, like, I'm so happy for you. Just like silky blouses that women, who are they?
00:04:54
Heads of banks or telecom companies? I could wear a magenta silk blouse in the morning and switch over to a teal in the afternoon.
00:05:07
It's crazy. So then I knew when I got my good old sturdy Lanza dress, I was like,
00:05:12
why don't we create a fascination piece down at your feet? Is that what it's called?
00:05:21
No, I don't know. Oh, I love it. I don't know. A fashionation. It's a fashionation.
00:05:26
I was kind of stealing that from those royal cousins that wear those hats called fascinators.
00:05:31
No, really? Yeah, you know at like royal weddings when they have a hat that looks like something straight fucking out of Dr. Seuss?
00:05:37
You're like, why are you so rich that you lost all your taste? What's happening?
00:05:44
Fascinators. Love it. Come on. Do it. But on top of everything else, pockets. Right?
00:05:52
Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit about those when you got a bunch of these up here Nice deep ones Good ones No cough drops this time around
00:06:05
No. Karen is on fire. I've healed. How about your dress, Georgia? It's a dress. It really is gorgeous.
00:06:12
Thank you. And let me point out my bandage toe and my zit. There's no chin hair because I got one of those mirrors in the hotel room that it's just like,
00:06:20
guess what you've been walking around with without anyone fucking telling you. A full beard.
00:06:26
What? When? But I'm really excited because we decide, I think last night I was like,
00:06:32
can I not wear black anymore to the live shows? Because I thought it was like a rule that we would wear black so we could always like match.
00:06:39
But I'm like the vintage, I like an ugly grandma couch that's been made into a dress.
00:06:44
Yeah. That's my fucking thing. And I have a closet full of them. So when we started touring, I had to just go buy black dresses.
00:06:50
And I have this sad section in my closet that's just like, here's the color. you don't wear because it's got no personality
00:06:56
and you need to show everyone how fun you are based on your clothes. Because you only had hand-me-downs as a child
00:07:01
because you were the youngest. Issues, issues, issues, issues, issues, issues. I can pick them out and I can put them anywhere.
00:07:09
So next tour, I'm going to start wearing fucking the craziest shit. Now that you've asked me permission,
00:07:15
this is the best part. She turned to me after we recorded the other night and she's like, if it's okay with you,
00:07:20
I'm going to start wearing printed dresses and patterned dresses. I think I'm going to.
00:07:24
And I was like, in my mind, I'm like, say no. Create a humongous problem. Say no and start a fight that you don't care about just to pass the time.
00:07:34
Well, the only reason I even asked you is because the last weekend we were in, where were we, New York and Brooklyn and Boston?
00:07:41
Awesome shows. You wore a pattern dress. I wore one. Without asking. But the answer to her is no.
00:07:47
It's just how it is with me. You can't really tell if you're coming or going. That's why I thought it was so funny that you asked permission.
00:07:54
I'm just like, so I get to do it, but then you have to ask permission. Right. I don't know.
00:07:59
Great. This is my ideal setup. We'll talk about it in therapy. Control. Now you've got a lot.
00:08:06
We sing. Anyhow. Hey, how are you? How does that elbow look? Elbow looks fine. Something's going on here.
00:08:15
Dandruff? Yeah. I'm flipping my hair around a lot. I don't think you have dandruff.
00:08:20
I, uh, look, let, let, let me be honest. I missed my flight this morning. I wasn't sure if you wanted to bring it up.
00:08:29
Of course, I always want to bring it up. Oh my God. Vince and I are sitting there near our thing and, and I'm like, maybe you should just text
00:08:37
her because Vince, Vince is like, we get to the airport the day before and he's stressed
00:08:42
out about it. It's truly a do's and don'ts, goofus and gallant situation where it's like Georgia and Vince
00:08:50
are on their plane five minutes early saying thank you for the coffee they're being given.
00:08:55
Karen is pulling up in an Uber three minutes before the doors close. Let's see if she can get there.
00:09:00
Also, it's everybody else's problem. I mean, that's happened to all of us. I mean...
00:09:07
And Vince, bless his heart, purposely made the flight super fucking early in case the two of us, one of us,
00:09:15
because listen, I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, missed the flight and it happened and it's fine but it was hilarious but uh I've been on that kind
00:09:26
of like uh you woke up thinking it was an hour before work and you're an hour late for work
00:09:32
feeling only this is my job so I've had this kind of weird like what's going on like all day long
00:09:41
when the lady told me she was like oh the I tried to check in at the Alaska counter and the lady's
00:09:46
like the doors are closed the flight is closed she was saying it like i had ruined her birthday
00:09:52
party i was just like this is impacting me and in no way you right or am i super confused about
00:09:59
what's happening and then so vince because he is the best tour manager of all time i text him i'm
00:10:04
like yes we should give it up he's no joke he fucking steamed this dress tonight no fucking joke
00:10:14
He is the man. Yeah. He's all of our husbands. That's right. And I thank you for that.
00:10:23
I text Vince. I'm like, they're going to put me on the two o'clock. And he immediately texts back.
00:10:28
That's no, that will be too late. I'm booking you on a Southwest flight. So now my, yeah, that's exactly right.
00:10:35
Someone in the, hey, balcony, someone in the front row just went, oh. I go from my friends, cushy seats on Alaska, Christianity drinks, to fucking Southwest,
00:10:51
where it's like, fucking elbow your way to a middle seat and hold on. Yeah. Fuck.
00:10:57
It's a bus. It is. I don't want to go back. No, I know. I don't want to go back.
00:11:03
It was a lesson for you. Vince was like, I could put her in first class, but she needs to learn her lesson.
00:11:08
No, he didn't. I don't think they have her. No, no. That's the only way I can learn.
00:11:13
It's the only way I can learn. It's true. Take something away that she loves. And it's the only way she knows.
00:11:20
And as I'm sitting in my fucking southwest seat going like, you just won't get up.
00:11:24
It's only a two hour flight. Just dig in. You can do this. I looked down and there's just a series of moth holes in my cashmere sweater that was
00:11:34
going to be my key piece for the weekend. It was just going to be the thing. I threw on at night during the day.
00:11:41
Who knows what fucking temperature it is up here. Didn't bring a coat. And then I'm just like, I look like fucking Oliver Twist on Southwest Air.
00:11:49
I'm still mad about it. But you made it. I here to complain Yeah we made it That what matters most um oh this is my favorite murder this is karen kilgara and this is georgia hardstar thank you
00:12:10
yes steven is at my home right now he's not here steven will you guys ever get used to the fact that we don't bring him on tour we don't fucking bring that
00:12:22
Guy? He's not. One day, oh, he'll be under here. One day we'll do it. He's under there with his little mustache.
00:12:30
Elvis is holding Elvis. Vince let us know that he just posts so many stories on Instagram of my cats, which is great.
00:12:40
I love it. But apparently he found a Steven doll that someone made a while back that I swear to God I put like it was at the bottom of a bag somewhere in the pod loft.
00:12:52
Like, it was not out. And he is now, he found it. He must have, like, smelled the mustache on the doll.
00:12:58
That's right. He's like a drug dog, but for his own mustache. He's shaking it at Elvis in videos now.
00:13:06
I'm sure Elvis is like, fuck you. Fuck you, buddy. Yeah, and then Elvis is like, look at all those fucking paintings of me, fucker.
00:13:13
And your fucking doll. That's one pillow. Yeah. One. Yeah, that's it. Of course, Stephen.
00:13:21
Angel baby. So thoroughly, thoroughly abused and never taken on tour. Or paid. No, we pay him.
00:13:29
That'd be amazing if Stephen was an intern this whole time. Oh, my God. That poor guy.
00:13:36
We are the man. Should we sit down? Yeah, you want to? Sure. Oh. But before we do.
00:13:48
Big news about these seats. Guys. Seriously. look how nice and plush and lulled sometimes we'll go to a place and the seats are just like
00:13:56
they're begging for us to be uncomfortable all the way around i mean look at the first of all
00:14:01
look at the action on these but then secondly look at the intensely precise placement that the stage
00:14:07
crew so that it is close to the table does not touch the table mine is it's called being a
00:14:13
Fucking professional. Oh. Oh. I'm out of here. Fuck this shit. Thanks, boys. Thanks, boys.
00:14:23
Okay. See how it's like. Stage right clears. Stage right clears it. These are, these are, we know the history of these chairs.
00:14:33
They're high-end chairs. I don't know if they're bespoke. They might be. They're handmade by an old man in Italy.
00:14:40
That's right. someday Karen and I are going to get to this level of having such specific chairs
00:14:47
as Anderson Cooper and what's his name? Andy Cohen. Fuck it. They send these to every
00:14:54
show that they do and then leave them behind and we get to use them. It's happened now at like
00:14:59
four different live shows where they're like oh we have the chairs you like. They're left over and we're like from Andy Cohen
00:15:05
and Anderson Cooper? Yeah. How insane is that? Fucking high class bitches. Yeah, I guess if you're gonna talk shit you gotta have a you gotta have a nice comfy chair to have a solid base
00:15:17
You have to have movement Yeah, we're not going anywhere. No, not in these chairs except for around
00:15:30
Almost there So close you did it we did it um oh guys this is a true crime comedy podcast that's a it's an important clarification
00:15:48
i feel like most of you know exactly what's going to happen right now but there are also often people we like to call them drag alongs and they're people who are maybe dates
00:16:00
or spouses or people who don't understand you. Yeah. And yet you brought them anyway.
00:16:07
They were promised dinner. They had a nice dinner. And they were like, then there'll be like two solid hours of talking.
00:16:13
Don't worry about that part. And then right back home. Yeah. So for those people who might not know,
00:16:20
we talk about terrible, terrible true crime cases. But we also simultaneously and parallel to that,
00:16:29
we make jokes to each other. It's parallel, though. It's not a, you know, there's no intersection.
00:16:37
We try not to. We get a little carried away sometimes. But we would want you to trust us that we're good people
00:16:44
and that we understand murder is bad for sure. I mean, you don't know. You don't know us from Bob.
00:16:53
People say that. I don't think so. But anyway, if you find that you don't like it,
00:17:00
Just get the fuck out. That's the point of what we're, that's the buildup. That's what we're saying.
00:17:07
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00:20:21
Goodbye. Okay, I'm first, right? Okay. All right. All right, here we go. Portland.
00:20:32
Yes. Portland's hard, right? Say it again. I just want to say that Portland is a hard place to come up with stories because you guys have the best ones ever,
00:20:40
which means we've already done them on the podcast for the most part. Yes, for sure.
00:20:44
There's so many. Also, I feel like Portland, we've played Portland the most of any city.
00:20:49
Yes. Live. And that's for a reason. And that's for the reason that the first show that we ever did in Portland,
00:21:01
they had a drink special that was a tall boy beer over at the McMinimins High School.
00:21:08
Remember? and everybody got so drunk that literally a girl threw up into the walkway and then
00:21:17
crawled to the bathroom. At our first show in Portland. Yeah. That's you, Portland.
00:21:26
That's why we keep coming back for more. You're fucking our kind of people 100%.
00:21:33
Okay. I'm about to tell you the terrible fucking story of family murderer Christian Longo.
00:21:42
Oh, shit. See, they're applauding Dragalong, not for the murderer, but because they want to hear Karen
00:21:51
rip this fucking asshole apart. Right. It's not really a... It's not really a choice. It's not like,
00:22:05
you know, asshole makes you think of, like, the guy that cuts in front of you on the freeway.
00:22:09
Sure. This man is from the devil's loins. It's awful and crazy. Ready? Begin. Christian Longo was born in Michigan on January 23, 1974.
00:22:23
He claims he was abused as a small child. Three years later in 1977, his mother divorces his father,
00:22:30
and she gets remarried to a man named Joseph Longo, who is very active in the Jehovah's Witness faith.
00:22:37
Um, right. Are you allowed to be here? I don't think you're allowed to be here on a Thursday.
00:22:44
You're literally the only one here. Someone's going to come drag you out. Someone's going to pull you into our cult. Um,
00:22:54
I actually, this whole story made me remember when I worked at the gap, uh, in San Francisco
00:23:03
with my friend Jason Lopez. Hi, Jason. Where are you, Jason Lopez? Right there. Jason Lopez and I worked,
00:23:11
I think every story you've heard. He's been cheering so, like, sweetly. I've been noticing him
00:23:15
because he's been like, yeah! And I was like, whoa! That's so nice. You know why?
00:23:19
Because he's literally seen me passed out in a gutter. So if anybody is excited about tonight,
00:23:26
it's going to be Jason Lopez. She made it out of the gutter. I made it. Jason, I made it off of the foot.
00:23:32
fucking gap floor when I did the sweater fold down and passed out the day after Halloween
00:23:37
because I was still drunk. Jason, remember? Look how far she's come, Jason. It's all because
00:23:43
of you. Jason was the one and I told this story on the podcast because I have 1000 gap
00:23:49
stories, but one day at the gap and we worked at the gap on upper market before the Castro
00:23:55
after, uh, that weird area in between. I don't even buy the mint, where nothing happened and no one was around.
00:24:05
So we would just stand around in this huge empty gap most of the day. And sometimes people would come in and very rudely make us get them pants, or at least that's how it felt to me.
00:24:16
No, I get that. I think you liked it. I didn't like it. But one day we're sitting there, and it's like probably hour seven and an eight-hour shift.
00:24:23
So I've got a nice gloss of sweat going. And I'm just like, what am I doing with my life?
00:24:29
This is the fucking worst. And I look over. Jason's at the cash wrap. I'm at the dressing rooms.
00:24:35
And we look over and fucking Matt Dillon walks into the gap. For real. For fucking real.
00:24:41
And I was like, what? Like, I was like, this is my every The Outsiders dream come true.
00:24:49
How is this happening right now? And then why is it happening right now? What the fuck is he doing here?
00:24:54
I don't have a lick of eyeliner on. Like, this is worst case scenario. He stumbles up to the cash wrap, which is where the cash register is kind of in the middle of the store.
00:25:04
The cash wrap, you still call it that. Right? That's what it's called. Wait, you weren't at the cash wrap, Jason, because you were in the back of the store folding shit down.
00:25:13
Because I remember watching you dash to the cash wrap as fast as your little feet could carry you.
00:25:20
Because, of course, he spotted Matt Dillon the second I spotted Matt Dillon. And we were both just like, what?
00:25:25
And then he just went and stood on the cash wrap like this. just like nothing this is where i work here this is i can show you socks
00:25:34
matt dylan says to our manager corby a wonderful man who was total like a little bit light and airy
00:25:44
is how i would describe him matt dylan says dude can you call me a cab this guy has been following
00:25:49
me for like five blocks he trusted the gap he trusted the gap he had no choice there was nothing
00:25:58
else around. And no cell phones. Yes, and fucking before cell phones. Before internet.
00:26:05
Before life. It was 1956. There hasn't been a gap around here. 25 years. There hasn't been a sweater
00:26:16
fold down around here. Our manager Corby does not recognize Matt Dillon and says to him,
00:26:24
Oh, totally. That happens to me all the time. Yes. Oh. And we're just like, but our chance to party with Matt Dillon.
00:26:36
That's kind of the most baller thing that he could say without even fucking knowing it.
00:26:41
Yeah, me too. Me too. Happens to me all the time. You're super hot. So am I. Let's get you a cab.
00:26:51
Oh, but. Back to the story, but. the reason I brought up the gap and Jason Lopez is because remember that guy that used to work
00:26:59
there? He was kind of like on the newer side before I quit was fired. Um, it's a mutual
00:27:05
agreement. They hired this guy and he was super nice and whatever. But he, I remember him saying
00:27:13
one day he doesn't work weekends. I was like, I don't want to work weekends either. And he was
00:27:18
like, well, I'm a Jehovah's witness. And then in my mind, I was like, use this for future jobs.
00:27:24
absolutely file as a Jehovah's Witness early. Yeah. Establish that timeline and storyline.
00:27:33
Absolutely. Oh, so I would love to come in on Saturday, but... Can't do it. See you.
00:27:45
See you soon. Okay. Where were we? I don't know. In 1989, Christian is 17 years old.
00:27:56
He meets 24-year-old Mary Jane Baker. She's, I'll do the math for you, seven years a senior.
00:28:02
I had to do it. Now I'm going to pretend you needed me to do it. Yeah, I didn't need it.
00:28:08
I didn't need you to do it. Not at all? I can do it in my head. You had it? You had that 17 minus 24 on lock?
00:28:15
Wait, he was 24? No, he was 17. Got it. Great, here I am. Now just really quick.
00:28:20
I don't really know anything about this marriage at all, the details of it. But think about the chasm of difference between being a 17-year-old boy and a 24-year-old woman.
00:28:31
No. A high school senior and someone two fucking years out of college. No, no. That's something else.
00:28:40
That's problematic. Also, think of being a 17-year-old and wanting to get married.
00:28:46
Think of being a 24-year-old and wanting to get married. That's a whole nother. I can't even start to comprehend that part.
00:28:53
Aren't you married? I'm fucking 38. Yeah. You know what I mean? It wasn't until I was like a hard 35 that I was like, all right, this does look okay.
00:29:05
I've been ground down. Yeah. I met that one. I was like, maybe I, okay. Yeah. Was it one day he was steaming your dress and you're like, I got to lock this up.
00:29:15
Fucking basically. Yeah. Do not blame me. Yeah. fuck you, I'm married. The sweatpants are out.
00:29:24
Have you seen them? They made sweatpants. If you're new to this, they made sweatpants for us
00:29:30
that say fuck you, I'm married on them. We're living the dream. That's all. Yeah, we don't need fucking fancy chairs
00:29:36
flown in everywhere. We have fucking sweatpants that say fuck you, I'm married. And people want them.
00:29:45
What did we do? What's happening? How did we even start? What? In January 2016. Okay, don't know.
00:29:51
Not sure. But somewhere in my youth poor child we must have done something good Thank you.
00:30:05
Oh my God! Thank you. That was amazing. No, it was not. No, I liked it! Okay. I can prove it by trying it too.
00:30:16
Do it! And then I'll let you know how amazing it was based on my... Pure comparison?
00:30:22
Yes. Um, okay, so, uh, oh, I wrote, what did they talk about? Jehovah. Um, so he gets a job at a camera store and does what any teen does at their first job,
00:30:39
begins stealing money. Um, and he manages to keep it a secret, but he is buying himself very nice items.
00:30:47
And so eventually someone in the church finds out and he gets in trouble at the church.
00:30:53
his punishment is they take his duties away. That's the sentence I found. Great.
00:31:00
I'm like, that is simply not a punishment whatsoever. Oh, you're stealing? You can no longer sweep the front walk.
00:31:07
How's that? I hope you learn your lesson. Okay, so, but the thing is that Mary Jane finds out
00:31:15
and she's worried because she's kind of seeing this behavior. He's very materialistic.
00:31:20
He's very into getting things and buying, buying, buying. Um, uh, but she stays with them and two years later they get married in 1991.
00:31:29
Um, then Christian seems to turn it around. He starts a construction business, which becomes successful.
00:31:36
And he proves to the world that he's made a change for the better. Um, uh, but of course he did not because we wouldn't be talking about him if he did.
00:31:46
That's a fucking boring story. Who gives a shit about people that turn it around?
00:31:50
when don't we hear about those fucking people you're supposed to turn it around yeah like
00:31:57
you want a cookie for you yeah exactly you're kind of obligated to you know get your shit turn your shit around matt dylan um
00:32:06
so uh as a as a successful contractor uh he starts um just spending the fuck out of every
00:32:19
dime that he makes. Sounds great. Yeah, exactly. Which is great for the family that they're
00:32:24
starting up. Mary Jane has their first son, Zachary, in 1997, and then she stops working, so then they have one less
00:32:33
income in the house. A year later, she gives birth to their daughter, Sadie, and a year after that... Jesus!
00:32:39
Yes. So it's three babies right in a row. Oh, fuck! Yes. A year apart. No. So expensive. So fucking loud.
00:32:48
Oh, so loud. Just houses filled with joy. Fluids. So many fluids you have to deal with.
00:32:56
Spit up every, oh, the smell. Yeah. Babies, they're precious. I love them. Babies.
00:33:02
Am I right? Not three at once is all I'm saying. You do it. That's all I'm saying.
00:33:08
Do it. Let me know how it goes. Do it. Report back on Instagram. I'll be the aunt.
00:33:13
It'll be great. so while probably the most expensive thing that could exist is starting up in triplicate
00:33:21
he is just fucking like throwing money away as quickly as he can he's buying cars
00:33:27
he takes his family on expensive holiday trips he's buying everybody really nice clothes
00:33:33
but of course again the secret becomes he is spending money he doesn't have he's not paying any of these credit card bills
00:33:40
He's charging, he's amassing massive credit card debt, can't make the car payments.
00:33:47
He actually ends up getting these cars repossessed. But he's still able to hide it from his wife.
00:33:56
And he actually, at one point, the cars got repossessed. So then he said he was going car shopping and he went to a car dealership.
00:34:03
and he told Mary Jane that he was taking the car out for a test drive and he just kept it.
00:34:11
I don't think he can do that. That's how he got his next car. That's how you avoid repossession is you never truly possess it in the first place.
00:34:20
So she gets suspicious, of course. All this crazy shit's happening. They have a ton of stuff.
00:34:27
So she starts reading his emails. They have emails? What year is this? 97, 98? Oh.
00:34:36
Yeah. I don't think you needed a password then even. That's when it was just everyone had hotmail.
00:34:42
You've got hotmail. Hotmail. Enjoy it. Do you know that my, they recently, I had to change a password and I found out that it was linked to my AOL account.
00:34:53
So I tried to log on to my AOL account and it had been canceled due to inactivity.
00:34:59
Oh, they do that? They fucking canceled my shit. Great. On AOL. Yeah, I have a couple accounts of old photo bucket, and my live journal is still attached.
00:35:08
Is it still up? And my MySpace is still attached to my Hotmail account, so I'm just never going to see it again.
00:35:14
Guys, please take a look at Georgia's live journal from the 90s. She writes about great stuff, foods, feelings.
00:35:22
I took that shit down a long time ago. All right. Oh, I have a Tumblr. I just put posters from movies on there.
00:35:31
Go ahead and check it out. It's fucking fascinating. All of Tumblr is insane porn that I didn't sign up for.
00:35:40
And then like some 20-year-old taking a picture of a pizza with buds of pot on the top of it.
00:35:46
And I still visit it every day. I just love young people. I love the young. Okay.
00:35:53
Don tell Karen she not with it The young crowd Look at my boots I 85 Okay I just realized I kind of dressed like remember those old triplets
00:36:08
What? With the cowboy hat? This is only for the 50s and ups. I'm dressed like one of the old triplets.
00:36:15
God damn it. I think you look like Pat Bennett's art. You do? I do. We saw her in a plane once, didn't we?
00:36:22
What's that? Never mind. Go on. I honestly didn't hear you. We saw her on a plane once, didn't we?
00:36:29
Did we? Didn't we? I didn't. Then I did. Without you. How could you see her without me?
00:36:36
I'm sorry. Okay. So this is, we're into the wife reading the emails. Okay, great.
00:36:42
Here we are. And in those emails, she finds out not only that her husband is up to his fucking eyeballs
00:36:47
in horrendous debt, but that he's also been emailing other women. so romantic how does he sign off on those emails?
00:36:57
best so she confronts him and when she does he says to her he says you're not fun anymore
00:37:08
since you had the kids I no longer love you oh yeah that's not it is a good kind of like
00:37:18
shock and awe response when someone's like, are you cheating on me? You're not fun, I don't love you.
00:37:25
It's a great way to respond. Oh, Jesus. Jesus? Jehovah. Jesus? Jehovah. They also had Jesus.
00:37:34
Do they dig Jesus? I think, are they the ones that did Jesus in Arizona? Or is that a different religion?
00:37:40
It's Mormon. Shoot. It's totally different. I opened my eyes. I'm still on that Southwest flight.
00:37:55
What? Oh, it was such a fun show, too. Okay. Let's move this fucking horror show along, please.
00:38:03
I'll tell you one thing I just remembered from our flight. The flight that we made it.
00:38:07
The good flight. The good flight. That we were on. Vincent, Vince, I was sleeping.
00:38:12
And I sleep real ugly. a full head tilt back mouth agape I also had my sunglasses on
00:38:21
listen, look around you on a flight if you're the only person with your fucking window open
00:38:26
you're an asshole like everyone hates you guess what's out there? something green and something blue
00:38:32
you've seen it already truly, truly, I hate it so I'm sleeping with my sunglasses on
00:38:39
and I have my hood on because I'm freezing I'm just like out cold and I wake up and Vincent taking a photo of me, which is cute.
00:38:48
But he had his earbuds in when he showed it to me and he was listening to something, so he just yells,
00:38:54
you look like the Unabomber! He might have just yelled Unabomber! He yelled it! He yelled Unabomber on a plane.
00:39:06
Were you immediately escorted off that plane? No, we weren't first, so they're like, they can do whatever they want.
00:39:12
Yeah. They let you do whatever you want. Shooting guns in the air and shit. Yell Unabomber.
00:39:17
Heroin. Also, I just love that because Vince is so rules, rules, rules. He is like by the book.
00:39:24
Yeah. And then he goes and breaks the number one. You could have actually met the hidden, what do they call that?
00:39:30
The air traffic. Sheriff. The air sheriff. The air sheriff. Marshall. Marshall. Air travel marshal.
00:39:37
Marshall. The air traffic. The Alaskan marshal. The air Mormon. The air... We flew him in from Arizona to keep you all safe tonight.
00:39:48
It's the air Mormon, everybody. Salamanders for everyone. Okay. Are you guys ready to get back into the worst fucking story of all time?
00:40:04
I feel like we're all just stalling. I know. It's just going to get... Everyone knows what's about to happen.
00:40:09
It's not good. I'll stop interrupting. Me too. Me too. Okay. No, you don't just shush anybody. It's okay. It's our fault entirely.
00:40:18
Okay. Where did I go? He doesn't love her. She's not fun. I would love to meet this psycho that has three toddlers under the age of three that is fun.
00:40:34
How many motherfucking lines of meth do you have to do in the morning to be a fun mother of three?
00:40:42
Oh, fuck off. Okay. Okay, so the problem is, obviously, and we tell these stories oftentimes because we're looking for patterns of, like, what does early psychopathy look like?
00:40:56
What is that kind of, like, insane spending without any regard for a family, insane having affairs without any regard for who you hurt?
00:41:04
And so I think that's, we've said that a bunch of times, it's part of why we like to tell these stories because then you're like, I can spot it, and then it'll never happen to me.
00:41:11
Mm-hmm. The problem here is that Mary Jane was raised as a Jehovah's Witness herself.
00:41:18
And so in her belief system, the wife is completely in the power of the husband until death do they part as Jehovah commands.
00:41:26
So even though he's cheating on her and is a dick, she stays. But she has three kids.
00:41:35
She doesn't have a job. She had to do what she had to do. I mean, that was the situation she was in.
00:41:39
And at this point... Guys, become Jews. It's the best. I'm telling you. Get you whatever the fuck you want.
00:41:46
Yeah, seriously. Do you guys have any fucking restrictions whatsoever? No. Except for like no milk near the bacon?
00:41:52
What? Other than that it just like summer camp and fucking blow jobs Yeah Am I right You right Am I right Like that really all there is to it To life It pretty fucking sweet Did we just change the podcast
00:42:15
No, the podcast changed us. so beautiful okay so at this point instead of being uh sad about any of his behavior christian
00:42:26
is now on an all-out crime bender he is writing bad checks he gets caught and put on probation
00:42:32
for that then he takes a credit card out in his father's name and charges over a hundred thousand
00:42:38
on it. Oh, shit. Yeah. Daddy. That's too much money. Sorry, daddy. That's, that harkens me back to the time, also in
00:42:50
San Francisco when I worked with Jason Lopez at the Gap. But I lived in the Upper Haight, where you
00:42:56
cannot find a parking spot, ever. So I would just park my Volkswagen Bug in the crosswalk.
00:43:05
And then, did you ever do it? I used to park like this to when I'd park like an asshole and I couldn't find parking.
00:43:10
Well, fuck you! I'd get angry at everyone around me and be like, I'm doing this.
00:43:14
Fuck you. It's your fault. It's your fault. Now I have to park in the crosswalk.
00:43:18
Look what you've done to me. And then when you get a ticket, what I would do is just take it and throw it
00:43:22
over my shoulder. No! Like I was the star of my own movie. That's littering. It's not a good idea, though, because
00:43:31
of course, then those tickets add up. And then my father six months later called me.
00:43:36
It's the loudest phone call anyone has ever had in the history of phones screaming that uh he just got
00:43:45
a bill for 800 from the san francisco like city parking fines and then i was just like yeah i don't
00:43:53
i don't have it so of course you don't you work at the gap i worked at the fucking gap for 6 25 an
00:44:01
hour. 6.25, Jason. Ugh. How did we do? I think you made more than me because you were good at your job.
00:44:10
He was a pace setter. Okay. You can't ask for a raise when you're sleeping on the floor in the middle of your shit.
00:44:17
I'd be like, I don't know if anybody noticed how I folded the top sweaters really good.
00:44:22
And then as I started to fall asleep, pulled them down with me and used them as a blanket.
00:44:31
there's a charm to early alcoholism, but later it's not cute. Later it's not cute.
00:44:38
The stories get worse as the years go by. Why can't I read anymore? Okay, then he suddenly ups and moves the family to Ohio.
00:44:50
Then he starts forging checks there. This is, you can go into this, obviously, and I highly recommend you do,
00:44:55
and read it for yourself. But the crime he was doing and the cops were just like, sorry, he comes here as a construction contractor.
00:45:06
And then he starts stealing construction equipment and selling it in the town he's in.
00:45:11
He's like, you're the new guy. You're the one we don't know. The stuff goes missing and now you're selling it somewhere and making money off of it.
00:45:19
We're on to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what he was doing was collecting the money so he could save up and then buy a condo in the town of Newport, Oregon.
00:45:32
Yes. So he had this plan, right? He has this plan. He's going to rip everybody off, make money in the Midwest, and then take it to the Oregon coast.
00:45:42
And I'm not sure. And then profit. Profit. And just profit. Okay, so in the summer of 2001, he then up and moves his family back to Oregon in a stolen minivan.
00:45:59
A stolen minivan. And I think, I'm not kidding, it had a personalized license plate.
00:46:04
And I think it was Van Mom. Wow. Look it up. Van Mom or Mini Mom or some shit like that where it's like you could spot it immediately if you knew it was stolen.
00:46:17
and they leave so quickly that Mary Jane's family who was also in the Midwest, they were in Michigan
00:46:24
they didn't even know that she had left Ohio until three weeks later so they were kind of living
00:46:29
in hiding a little bit so then sometime that October Christian Longo uses the last of his frequent flyer miles
00:46:40
to fly from Portland to South Dakota and then he sends postcards that are supposedly written by his wife to her family
00:46:49
and making sure they have the Sioux Falls postmark and making it look like she's on a fun vacation.
00:46:57
Yeah. You know. Not a good sign. No. By mid-December, Longo began to confide in people back in Newport
00:47:05
that he and Mary Jane were getting a divorce and that she and the kids had gone back to Michigan.
00:47:09
Oh. And then one week later after that started, On December 19, 2001, a man who was walking in Newport calls the police to report a disturbing sight.
00:47:22
He sees the body of a small boy floating in Lintz Law. The police arrive on the scene, and they retrieve the body of 4-year-old Zachary Longo out of the water.
00:47:32
And then the police divers go under to search for more clues, and that's where they find the remains of 3-year-old Sadie Longo.
00:47:39
And this is the worst detail probably of any true crime story I've read. She had a pillowcase tied to her leg with a big rock in it.
00:47:52
And then when they were searching for more clues, they found a second one. So they assumed that the pillowcase slipped off of Zachary's leg.
00:47:59
Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah. When police divers, oh, I'm sorry, a week later on December 26,
00:48:06
divers spot a pair of suitcases in one of the shallow inlets nearby, and inside those two suitcases are the bodies of Mary Jane Longo
00:48:16
and their youngest child, two-year-old Madison. And those suitcases were also weighted down so that they wouldn't be found.
00:48:25
And the autopsy will show that they've both been strangled. So the entire Longo family is found dead, and no one knows where Christian Longo is.
00:48:35
So what he did was, using, of course, a stolen credit card, he took a one-way flight to Cancun.
00:48:43
Why does that piss me off even more? It's the ultimate douchebag move. Yeah. Really, in any scenario.
00:48:51
Sure. We can take a moment to breathe and judge. It's okay. He books himself into a seaside resort, and for the next two weeks, he hits the beach, he gets drunk,
00:49:05
he goes to the nightclub, and he has an affair with a German photojournalist. He also takes out loans, runs up debt, he writes back checks from bogus businesses,
00:49:16
and uses a fake ID to keep the creditors at bay. And all of this he was doing while claiming to be a man named Michael Finkel,
00:49:25
who was a writer for the New York Times. Oh, right. Yes. Do you have photos? Oh, yeah.
00:49:33
I forgot there were photos. Oh, look how close we are to this. I know. It's right in front of us.
00:49:40
Oh. That's the happy, supposedly happy family. Okay, let me see his stupid face.
00:49:47
Ugh. So awful. Fucking shit-eating grin. Douchebag. Look at that stupid fucking face.
00:49:56
oh i bet you these were the pictures that they i was like why would steven pick these three pictures
00:50:01
but now i'm realizing it's one side of his face the other and then the front in the leg we're
00:50:06
looking for this guy it's probably what the police put together yeah yeah it's not steven doing a
00:50:10
fucking collage of photos look at how quickly i want to jump down steven's throat about like what
00:50:15
do you look i don't need every picture of christian longa Okay, let's not go any further.
00:50:23
Okay. Before we go any further. Now, this is where it's just bizarre. While Christian Longo is on the run and impersonating Michael Finkel of the New York Times,
00:50:35
the New York Times finds out that Michael Finkel, the real Michael Finkel, who works for them,
00:50:40
who has just, they've just published a major expose on modern slave trading that Michael Finkel wrote, and they find out that he has fabricated facts in that article.
00:50:56
Guys, you can't do that when you're a journalist. Yeah, it turns out. Please. I know you're all like, so fucking what?
00:51:01
But you can't do that. No. And actually, when you, I watched the movie True Story,
00:51:07
which is the Jonah Hill, James Franco movie about this insanely bizarre combination of people.
00:51:16
And he basically didn't know the name of one guy and said that one guy was the name of the other guy.
00:51:22
So it was just not, it was, it was, he's not the worst person in the world. Let's just say that.
00:51:27
Okay, but he gets fired from the New York Times because you're not allowed to do that.
00:51:31
And he gets shamed out of journalism circles everywhere and he basically moves back home.
00:51:36
Um, so, so then, um, we'll go back to, uh, Cancun on December 27th, a female tourist
00:51:45
from Montreal. That's Montreal. Um, thank you. She spots Christian Longo in a hotel, the hotel in Cancun where he's staying.
00:51:55
And she'd seen his picture on TV. Those ones that Steven's collage. She saw that on TV.
00:52:02
She calls the FBI. So the next day, a federal arrest warrant is issued for Christian Longo.
00:52:08
And a week later, in January of 2002, the FBI places Christian Longo on its 10 most wanted list.
00:52:14
And then on January 7th, he leaves that hotel in Cancun. He travels 80 miles south to the city of Tulum.
00:52:21
And six days later, he's captured there and extradited back to Oregon and held at the Lincoln County Jail.
00:52:29
Good job, you guys. Good job. good job Oregon FBI and all your suits once he's in custody though
00:52:40
he tells authorities that in fact it was his wife Mary Jane who killed their two oldest children
00:52:46
I hate when they fucking do this so much it's like once you're caught once you've got the cuffs on
00:52:53
just fucking man up it's just such a fucking insult to her family you know But who are already fucking going insane.
00:53:02
But this is the kind of person that like is charging up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and being like, I don't care.
00:53:07
I'm going to buy a sweater. It's just like the ultimate in psychotic denial. OK, so he then says because she did that in his shock and grief, he strangled her.
00:53:21
And then when the police are like, OK, but then what about your two year old child?
00:53:26
he fucking tells them that he strangled her because he felt so hopeless for her.
00:53:31
Which I'm sure everyone had to leave the room and go punch a wall in the hallway.
00:53:35
So after a month-long trial in 2003, the jury deliberates for five hours and then convicts Christian Longo on every charge and they sentence him to death.
00:53:49
So because Christian Longo is convicted and the story comes out in the press Mike Finkel starts to hear that he associated with this family killer Somebody calls him and goes you need to look your name up right now On the internet
00:54:05
Google yourself on the fresh new internet. Yeah. And, of course, because he's an investigative reporter, he immediately delves into it, is obsessed, flies to Oregon, and arranges to meet with Christian Longo face-to-face.
00:54:21
bananas like what what are the what a coincidence that he uses his name something fucking happens
00:54:26
it's crazy bananas well and also what uh there's yeah there's lots of uh over a series of jailhouse
00:54:34
interviews and conversations christian longo finally confesses to michael finkel that he
00:54:39
killed his entire family holy shit so he doesn't tell the cops he's lying he's denying he's doing
00:54:44
all this shit and then with this series of conversations that they have and that's what
00:54:49
that movie True Stories is all about. I'm not sure if you're a fan of Jonah Hill.
00:54:54
I'm really enjoying him lately. And he's very good in this movie. I could see him playing
00:54:59
shit face over here. No, no, no. That shit face is James Franco, of course. Really? Yes.
00:55:06
No. Honey. Jonah Hill's lost a lot of weight. No, this was from before. Okay. This was
00:55:14
more super bad Jonah that's getting serious about acting and wears glasses. Oh, the glasses times.
00:55:22
But there's a, you guys may have seen it already or know about it or worked on it or written it, but
00:55:27
there's a new Gus Van Zandt movie about the illustrator John Callahan. And I think they, I thought they filmed it here.
00:55:33
It's so good. If you get a chance to watch it, it's called He Won't Get Far on Foot.
00:55:39
And it's, John Callahan is a New Yorker cartoonist who is a quadriplegic. And he
00:55:46
basically becomes a quadriplegic and then is a terrible alcoholic, of course. And then he joins AA, and Jonah Hill plays this unbelievable character
00:55:58
as the AA leader who seems to be either gay or maybe the Archangel Michael. You can't figure out.
00:56:07
His stance is very ethereal, and I'm going to say the thing that makes you understand.
00:56:14
I like that I laughed and smiled as if I fucking know anything about an archangel.
00:56:17
I'm Jewish. I've got to tell you that's an old testament baby that's the oldest of testaments
00:56:24
but being Jewish means you don't actually have to study the Torah you have to study the Torah
00:56:29
remember yesterday when I was like what's his angel who gives the peace sign George goes
00:56:36
oh it's one of these saint guys that's given the peace sign I go is he going like this
00:56:40
that's just what they make Jesus' hand do automatically he's not like piecing anybody out
00:56:47
I mean, I knew, but I was just like, it looks like he's. They're going to crucify me, baby.
00:56:53
Peace out. I'm out. Yeah. I'm out. I'll be back for your benefit. Later days for now.
00:57:03
You can thank me later when I come back. so it turns out in 2005 Michael Finkel publishes a book about those conversations
00:57:18
with Longo it's called True Story Murder Memoir Mea Culpa so this is that's him that's Michael Finkel
00:57:25
that guy looks like fucking Franco I'm telling you this is miscast I demand a reshoot
00:57:34
and a little Ira Glassy he's a bit this is a really up close photo I feel like this is more of a Fred Armisen
00:57:44
character really isn't it like it's the guy that never blanks that Fred Armisen character
00:57:51
he doesn't totally open or close his mouth he just kind of talks like this the guy that has a false upper and lower jaw
00:57:58
oh man I like to open my mouth sir are you alright I'm conserving energy I don't know. This guy's telling me the worst things I've ever heard.
00:58:07
I have to write them down. This is awful. Why did I sign up for this? Being a journalist sucks.
00:58:15
So here's his book. It looks like ours, kind of. Doesn't it look like our book cover, kind of?
00:58:21
Guys, this looks like our book. It does. Oops. Shit. All right. Stop it. Oh, wait. Hold on. I made him
00:58:38
pull that one, too, just in case. Switch them. That's the... You're trying to tell me... Switcheroo.
00:58:45
No. Yes, switch. Promise. No. You can tell they're official because they have legal paperwork.
00:58:52
That's right. Great. Okay. Switch them. And Jonah Hill's gesturing. Yes. Here's my thought about this.
00:58:58
I'm asking a question. This is how you know. What is this? I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. All right. It just, it turns into a grocery list, butter, eggs, milk.
00:59:12
What, what did I do on here? This is the longest one we've ever done. I'm done right now. Okay. No,
00:59:20
I'm fine with it. Oh, it's been a blast. Look, it's been a blast. Fucking have a great summer.
00:59:26
The worst story I've ever had. Send your buns. Do not change this summer. Okay, so when he's in prison, Christian Longo starts a campaign
00:59:39
to allow death row prisoners to donate their organs after being executed. Sounds nice.
00:59:46
A little late, bud. Mary Jane's family, of course, is disgusted by all of this attention that he's getting.
00:59:52
Through this, which is... Even though it This is kind of You know Michael Finkel book really was this way to tell the story of like because it just this crime left everybody going what the fuck happened
01:00:07
And how could this guy who on the very, very outside, they were a religious family.
01:00:11
They were, you know, the all American nuclear family. And then how does it go from I owe money to I murder my whole family?
01:00:20
Sure. insane. But at the same time, when you do that, then you also are bringing him into the news feed,
01:00:28
into the news cycle. Giving him this attention that he craves and making him seem important and
01:00:32
shit. Right. And there was an Esquire whole thing done about him. He was in the news constantly.
01:00:40
And then when that kind of died off, then he started this program. So Mary Jane's family,
01:00:44
they were disgusted by all of it. They kept saying, you're just feeding the monster. You're
01:00:49
feeding this monster and this is what you're giving him what he wants, even though he's
01:00:52
still in jail. And they also believe that his involvement in this organ donor cause is, quote, one last
01:00:59
attempt at a ruse from a homicidally nightmarish con man. In 2011, Oregon put a moratorium on executions.
01:01:07
So Christian Longo remains in prison for life. And that is the story of family murderer Christian Longo.
01:01:13
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Goodbye. Bye. If you're always on the lookout for a great audiobook or just want help figuring out what
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Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Goodbye. Well, this isn't as horrible.
01:03:49
I mean, it sucks, but it's not as horrible. It's horrible. Great. Listen, they're all horrible.
01:03:53
Look. Look and listen to horribleness. It's a horrible thing. Slogan. Fuck you, I'm married.
01:04:00
Okay, I'm going to tell all y'all about the coin tower siege of 1996, the hostage situation.
01:04:10
Okay, so on the afternoon of January 4th of 1996, here you are. Boom. You know. A man dressed in military camouflage.
01:04:23
So not pink and gray and military gray? Yeah, yeah. Uh, camouflage and a black beret walk, walks into Portland's third tallest skyscraper,
01:04:37
the 30 story coin. It's K O I N, uh, tower in downtown Portland. Soon after he walks in there
01:04:44
shots ring out and the man, 24 year old James Rick, uh, Rinker starts taking hostages,
01:04:51
forcing employees and hundreds of people to evacuate Portland's, like I said, third tallest
01:04:56
skyscraper. Third tallest. Number three, baby. Turns out I was like, this is important.
01:05:00
I should put it in here twice. And let me tell you about this tower that you guys know so well
01:05:06
that I've never heard of. I'd love to also hear about the two other taller towers, if you
01:05:10
have the time. We could do that. I mean. Why not? Right? We have it for the night. Let's invite those towers
01:05:16
on stage and they can describe themselves. Special guest, the Koi Tower is here,
01:05:20
ladies and gentlemen. Get out here, you old son of a bitch. Okay, the building was originally named Fountain Plaza,
01:05:30
but it quickly became known as the Coin Center or the Coin Towers because of the building's highest profile occupant, Coin Television.
01:05:38
A CBS affiliate in Portland. K-O-A-N. I-N. K-O-I. That's what I said. Great. Good.
01:05:48
It opened in 1984. It cost $48 million to build. It was a controversial probably you all still hate it I guessing because I don think Portland likes fucking skyscrapers Because it was built its location blocked the view of Mount Hood that had been seen by drivers They like I on Vista Ridge Tunnel and I coming up Portland West Hills
01:06:09
And there's Mount Hood. And then it's like, coin tower, fuck you. That's not cool.
01:06:14
Portland doesn't like that. Because I have friends that live up here. And one of the things they say is whether based on the way the weather is, they'll talk about whether or not the mountain is out that day.
01:06:26
Oh, yeah. I'm almost a local. I swear to fucking God. I know. I know all about you.
01:06:32
Want to see the tower? I'd love to. Great. I had Steven make up a montage. Is it yellow?
01:06:39
Is it corn? Corn? No, I think it's just the sun is just like it looks like a what is that?
01:06:45
A khaki, a baby shit. Brown. What? Who? No wonder everyone's mad up here. It's 35 floors now.
01:06:55
It was 30 back when this happened. So they added five fucking floors of bullshit to your tower, y'all.
01:07:00
Sorry. Lame. We get it. Los Angeles. They were like, oh, some people over there can still see the mountains.
01:07:08
Jack up those floors. That's right. All right. So here we are in 1996. and this dude, Rinker, James,
01:07:18
he had been fired in the weeks before he stormed the building from a courier service that was operating in the building
01:07:26
because of customer complaints about him. And of course, mainly from women, so I'm sure he was a fucking creep.
01:07:35
Maybe it was just that beanie. Two of these complaints had been from women who worked in the tower
01:07:40
and accepted deliveries from him. Oh, I get it. So he was like the dude, and they would sign packages.
01:07:45
Yeah, you know. That makes sense. As a young dude, he was arrested for fighting with police officers,
01:07:50
later committed to psychiatric care. He was diagnosed as having delusional, homicidal, and suicidal tendencies.
01:07:56
He was described by friends and coworkers as short-tempered and fond of guns. Not a good mix.
01:08:02
That's quite a combination. Pick neither. I was going to be like, pick one, but I don't like either of them.
01:08:09
No, the option is neither. Neither. I don't say neither. Oh. But let's not call the whole thing off.
01:08:18
His roommate said he dreamed of starting a cult. I mean, who amongst us? Right. That's the dream.
01:08:26
Yeah. And loved the idea of living in a commune. Wait, what? I bet you anything living in a commune sucks more than you fucking think it does.
01:08:37
The smell alone. Yeah. I feel like the very hippie-based vibe of living in a commune,
01:08:45
it goes against fighting cops and loving guns. Well, I guess if you're doing like a military end of days kind of one,
01:08:54
it works, right? Yeah. Maybe. Listen. Let's see. Look. Do your own thing. Okay. Except this.
01:09:02
But not this. His mother said that he had recently, the night before the shootings, had called his sister
01:09:10
and said that he had been considering suicide. So Rinker enters the coin tower through the basement,
01:09:18
loading dock for the coin center cinemas, and fucking fires off a dozen rounds immediately when he goes in.
01:09:26
He's wearing fatigues, like I said, but he had no prior military experience. It seemed like he just was fucking...
01:09:32
Cosplaying. Yeah. Thank you. he first shoots that's what it is it's sad it sucks
01:09:43
he shoots theater an employee of the theater who's fucking already in the basement loading dock
01:09:49
so you know he's like low rung probably taking the trash out he has to work at a theater
01:09:53
I'm sure he makes 625 like what a bummer and then he gets fucking shot he survives it's fine
01:09:57
I mean what a bummer for him did he get shot in a little red polyester vest I bet he fucking did with his name tag
01:10:04
that's when I worked at the movie theater I worked at, I had to wear a vest and I went to the manager
01:10:09
and said, please don't make me wear a fucking vest. You should have said, I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
01:10:16
We don't wear vests. This is against everyone's religion. Yeah. All around the world.
01:10:22
That's right. We don't vest this up. No. Please leave it alone. Do you want to sell the extra
01:10:28
large popcorn? Let me put that. Let me live my life. Okay. So this guy, Alan, Colkimo.
01:10:38
He's 24. From the song? Colkimo. I bet it's Colkimo. Okay. Colkimo. If he spells it like he says it, it's Colkimo.
01:10:48
Okay. We'll just assume that's what he's doing. He's 24. He's of Beaverton. And that's right.
01:10:58
No one likes Beaverton. You couldn't even fake it. They couldn't even fake it. They tried to fake it.
01:11:08
That was nice. But that was insincere. We were going to go visit there tomorrow, but I guess we won't now.
01:11:13
We're calling off the day trip to... No, it's too late. Now we're going straight.
01:11:20
Okay. So he's fucking shot twice in the back, this fucking poor dude. From the movie theater?
01:11:28
Yeah. And then this other guy, Howard Barley, he's 45. He's from Milwaukee. He's a delivery man.
01:11:36
Oh, but Milwaukee's okay? No. It's actually a lovely, lovely city. So much better than Beaverton.
01:11:43
So much better. So this dude is a delivery man. He's just dropping some shit off at the theater,
01:11:50
and he's like, fuck this shit, gets shot too. He runs face-to-face with Rinker at the elevators down there,
01:11:57
and he runs, and then he says, Quote, all I heard was bam, bam, bam. And like I said, I don't know how many times.
01:12:04
He's got to sound like this right now. I went to plant my leg down, and that's when I went straight to the ground.
01:12:11
I don't know what a Milwaukee accent sounds like. That was dead on. Thank you. So he had been shot in the leg twice, and then the fucking gun jammed.
01:12:22
Otherwise, these guys would have been dead as fuck. It's crazy. Yeah, for sure. God bless.
01:12:31
That's Jehovah in action, I'm just saying. Let me just take a moment to say. Thank you to the Mormon Jehovah.
01:12:40
Okay. This guy, Barley, drags himself to safety and Rinker leaves the basement garage,
01:12:48
makes his way to the fucking lobby and his goal destination, the main elevators.
01:12:54
His plan was to get to the upper floors and to the two women at the law firm, who he blamed for getting him fired as a courier.
01:13:01
It's absolutely not their fault that you're a fucking creep. Maybe it's the guns.
01:13:08
Maybe it's the beret. Maybe it's the camouflage. Maybe it's on and on. So fortunately, here's what fucking happens.
01:13:18
The gun shots in the loading dock trigger a safety feature that, it was an AK-47, BT-dubs, forgot to mention that.
01:13:29
The smoke and the gunshot, listen, the smoke and the gunshot activate the building safety feature, which locks down the elevators
01:13:40
because it fucking triggered the smoke detectors that sounded the fire alarms. So everything shuts fucking down.
01:13:47
Otherwise, I mean, truly, this could have been, I mean, it sucks. It's a nightmare.
01:13:52
I'm not saying it's not. Nobody dies. I'm just, I tell you, I shouldn't have told you that.
01:13:58
Somebody maybe dies. I just ruined my own story. You just had like a mental gun jam of your own right there.
01:14:10
You really went through some shit. It was like, keep shooting me. I can't keep shooting.
01:14:13
Keep shooting. Fuck. All right. In the lobby, witnesses say that Rinker begins firing at the officers who were responding
01:14:21
the building's alarms because they were just like, oh, great, another false alarm.
01:14:24
And then they're fucking getting shot at. So he seizes a hostage and goes into the Charles Schwab brokerage firm, which is next to the
01:14:32
lobby, and he takes three more hostages. I don't know what photo is next, but let's take...
01:14:36
This is him. Sorry, I wish I could have warned you guys. I need to stand back a little bit.
01:14:43
Steven puts them in whatever order. Can you turn that off, please? That's... Yeah.
01:14:51
You're in your office one day and it's like, knock, knock. Here's a package. He's blocking the only exit.
01:15:00
Fuck. So this is bananas. The head of security at a San Francisco brokerage firm calls the company's Portland office.
01:15:11
So this dude at the Charles Schwab brokerage firm in San Francisco, he's head of security.
01:15:16
Here's like a rumor about, or he's on the phone with someone else and hears gunshots.
01:15:20
So he calls like the front desk of the Portland one around 2 p.m. Guess who fucking answers?
01:15:26
This dude, Rinker. He answers the phone and the security guy's like, is someone shooting there?
01:15:31
And he's like, yeah, it's me. I'm not, that's probably what happened. It's not word for word, but it's the overall feel.
01:15:39
Essentially, that's what happened. And this dude says he was very upset and nervous, but he was really articulate.
01:15:46
Um, he, the guy's name is, uh, Mr. Headman. I don't. The head of security and down in San Francisco.
01:15:52
His name Headman. That can't be right. The headman of security. The headman. Is his name, uh, Mr. Headman security.
01:16:05
It's very, it's a very confusing name tag. Uh, it's really long. It's not a rectangle. It's just like a big long.
01:16:13
How annoying was it before he was the head of security? He was just like the middleman headman.
01:16:18
The worst. They had to promote him. Yeah. Because of all the confusion in the mail room.
01:16:25
So Rinker tells headman that he had shot several people already, and he might shoot more.
01:16:30
And so this dude has to become the fucking hostage negotiator. In San Francisco.
01:16:34
In San Francisco, on the phone, being like, what's up? And he's like, hey, what's up?
01:16:37
And he's like, oh, shit. Trying to reach the other phone with the other hand. Yeah.
01:16:42
Yes, it's zero. Headman is a security expert, but he's not trained in hostage negotiation.
01:16:48
But following a deadly rampage by a gunman at the 101 California Street office tower in San Francisco,
01:16:54
which I fucking think I worked there. Not at this time. It was 93. I was a child.
01:16:58
101 California Street? Yeah. Like near the Embarcadero. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that really famous street.
01:17:03
They always take the picture of going down the Bay Bridge is in the background. Oh, yeah.
01:17:07
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's a really great chili spot over there. Or there was.
01:17:12
It's called Chili's. You should go. It's so good. It's weird. They don't have chili.
01:17:19
It's farmed a table. But because of that incident, he and other Schwab security personnel
01:17:27
had engaged in crisis management exercises with the police department, so he was like kind of, okay, I guess this is it.
01:17:33
This is me. It's my big chance. At the 101 California Street rampage, eight people had been killed when a gunman named Gianluigi Ferry,
01:17:42
Ferry or Ferry, ask Guy. I swear to God it's the same name. Guy Fieri? Guy Fieri's Uncle Gian.
01:17:50
Oh no. Like it kind of could be because he from over there You should call him I should Edit this out Steven if it true We need to lose the whole Guy Fieri area I know for some reason he part of this
01:18:07
We're going to take him down. He's very nice, I must say. Okay. Wait, will you please do the
01:18:13
pronunciation of the correct pronunciation of his name? The correct pronunciation is Ferry,
01:18:18
but he says it's Fetty, Guy Fieri. That's it, Guy Fieri, because it sounds like a chef's name.
01:18:25
So when I first met Georgia, and somehow the name Guy Fieri came up, that's how she pronounced it.
01:18:32
Guy Fieri. That's how I thought you pronounced it. It was like you just came back from a semester abroad in Italy.
01:18:38
I was just like, bitch, you better not be pronouncing Guy Fieri like that. And then I kiss you on both cheeks.
01:18:47
Kiss me on neither. What was I saying? Okay, so Hedman says that Rinker was able to clearly state his demands
01:18:58
but mostly wanted to be allowed to surrender peacefully. I feel like at this point he's like, this is
01:19:02
not going the way I planned. Let me just surrender and end this fucking thing. He did not think the gun jam was going to happen.
01:19:08
He didn't know there was a movie theater in the building. He didn't know the elevators were going to close down.
01:19:12
So he was kind of trapped in the lobby because the elevators closed down? Yeah, and so he goes into the offices
01:19:18
next door with four hostages. and he and this guy Hedman is like he said whatever
01:19:24
came to mind while trying to calm down the hostage the Rinker at one point Hedman talked
01:19:30
Rinker into letting the hostages call their families which is like pretty amazing
01:19:34
this woman who's a hostage Wendy Brown she's 23 she calls her mother in Maupin Oregon
01:19:40
really thank you that's a weird name pretty good Wendy's mom says quote they allowed her to call me and tell me she loved me and goodbye.
01:19:54
You could hear a man yelling behind her. I told her I loved her and I couldn't believe I was hearing this.
01:19:58
That's all she could tell me. He said she had five minutes. I could hear him yelling to get off the phone.
01:20:04
I know. Do I have five fucking minutes or not? That's what I would have said. Uncontrollably.
01:20:09
I can't. In a situation like that, I would have bitched out the hardest I ever have in my life.
01:20:15
it would have clicked on a thing where like fighting with my sister where I just can't control it.
01:20:21
You said I have five minutes. It's only been three. Can't you tell time? Stop pointing that gun at me.
01:20:31
And your sister who I only felt was like stop yelling at him. Oh my God, shut up.
01:20:36
You're being so rude to him. Anyway, I love you. It's been great. Yeah. One of the hostages is a stockbroker name.
01:20:45
Ken Aiken. Huh. Isn't that a famous person? He was a Christian. He said that the Lord...
01:20:51
Claude Aiken? Is that who you're thinking of? I don't know. Another, in addition to Brown and Aiken,
01:20:59
those held hostage were Muriel Tamura of Portland and Kathy Sederholm. She's a Schwab district manager
01:21:06
who's just fucking visiting for the day from San Francisco. Down from Beaverton.
01:21:13
She's from San Francisco, so she's like, Didn't I just go through? Oh, no. I don't know.
01:21:18
We've got to ask her. Kathy. At the height of the incident, Rinker starts fucking spraying gunshots at officers in the lobby,
01:21:26
and the SWAT team surrounds the building. Nearby streets are cordoned off. Hostage negotiators are brought in, real ones.
01:21:33
Here's people running. Holy shit. I just love how vintage this is. This is so, like, this is so 93.
01:21:40
It was like it was 50 years ago. I know. Look at those billowy, blousey clothes.
01:21:45
The hair is everywhere. You used to just be able to wear a wide-legged pant and no one cared.
01:21:51
There were no other options. Nothing was fucking matchstick, fucking skinny jeans, leggings.
01:21:57
Yeah. Oh, my God. That's a lobby. I just think it's another cool vintage photo. Let's see here.
01:22:05
So Rinker finally is persuaded by Hedman to negotiate directly with the police. police tried to keep him talking, asking about his motives.
01:22:14
He had told Hedman that he wanted, that his motives are that he wanted changes in the
01:22:18
banking and insurance industries. Duh, we all do. I mean, yes. We fucking bottle it up like normal people.
01:22:26
Bottle up and pay your fucking checking fees. Right. Like everybody. Right. But then, but I guess he didn't realize, and this is mentioned all the time as like a fuck
01:22:35
you to this guy, that Charles Schwab brokerage was involved in neither the banking or insurance
01:22:39
industry. Oh. Then it's like, what do you do then, Charles? What do you fucking do?
01:22:46
Am I supposed to Schwab the floors? I don't know. What does Schwab mean? What does Schwab even mean?
01:22:51
Is Schwab like when you put the chicken on the rotisserie and there's like certain herbs?
01:22:55
Or you Schwab out your ears after a shower? Go in for a light Schwab down at the coin building?
01:23:04
What are you people doing here? My car needs a Schwab so bad. You know that Charles Schwab office was just straight up pot dealing.
01:23:14
They were like wearing suits. So nobody looked in there. It's like, so boring. Don't look in there.
01:23:19
All weed. They discovered that he has some anger issues. They call it with the government, the media, banks, large finance institutions and law enforcement.
01:23:28
Again, who among us? I mean, just bury it, vote. And, you know, that's it. That's all you can do.
01:23:36
Yes. what did you think I said it's very important Georgia said vote which is true but I thought
01:23:42
she said vogue which is also important come on come on vogue anti-establishment that also a list of people that that guy hates Greta Garbo Amon Roe Dietrich and DiMaggio the cops the banks the man the devil He hates the devil I hate people who hate a bunch of people
01:24:12
Meanwhile, so there's three other workers fucking hiding in the office at the time that he doesn't
01:24:17
even know about, which I'm like, they had to piss on the floor under their desks. That's the first
01:24:22
thing I thought of, right? Yes, always. He releases the first hostage, Ken, around
01:24:28
4 p.m., negotiations continue and a female hostage is about 520. All I can think about
01:24:34
is when I worked in offices very much like this and it was just like the worst job. It's just
01:24:41
monotonous and your clothes are too tight. They require you to wear really tight clothes. Yeah.
01:24:50
What kind of office was that? Because I would just It was complicated. At like 4.58, I was like, I can finally go home.
01:24:58
And then having to stay after because you're in hostage crisis. I don't even like it here.
01:25:04
I am meeting people for drinks. James Rinker, I fucking hate the whole insurance industry too.
01:25:10
I hate him more than you. I just don't have an AK-47, you fuck. I make debt. I make 30 grand a year, dude.
01:25:17
I hate you. I'm not on your side. Okay. Two other women were released at 6.15. So finally, all the hostages are let go,
01:25:28
and Rinker surrenders about 15 minutes later. He's led from the building, shirtless and handcuffed.
01:25:33
The entire incident... Can I stop you? You can look at a photo, too. Oh. Can you see that?
01:25:38
No. Steven! There he is. It's hard to see. I'll see it. Yeah. You kind of see him.
01:25:44
Like there's a skylight. I can't... The guy who looks like he's going... Oh, yes, I see.
01:25:49
It's not Y. That's right. That's actually him. He's not roller skating. No. He's actually, he's coming out with his hands up?
01:25:57
Yeah. Okay. All right. The incident lasted four and a half hours. So those dudes under those fucking desks are just pissing in the corner.
01:26:09
Yeah. Amazingly, and you're going to be really surprised by this, everyone survived.
01:26:16
Yay. It's a good feeling. That's good. Yeah. Both men who had been shot in the basement loading dock, Alan and Howard, they survived.
01:26:28
And Rinker is charged with two counts of aggravated attempted murder, two counts of attempted murder,
01:26:33
two counts of first-degree assault, and four counts of first-degree kidnapping. After this surrender, the police recover a 9mm semi-automatic pistol and an AK-47 rifle inside the office.
01:26:43
officers also found an sks7 rifle in rinker's car which was parked in the garage and um charles
01:26:53
schwab brokerage office i mean this could be a testament to you know being we don't take shit
01:26:58
or also they're just like the man and don't give a shit they open the next day for business whoa
01:27:02
again no one knows what that business is but they were still there to do it they're like
01:27:08
you want your pot even more you need your pot even more now yes we all need pot now
01:27:13
Despite shattered glass and bullet holes in the walls, they opened. Got it. Because Charles got a Schwab no matter what.
01:27:22
Fucking no matter what. Schwab's got a Schwab. He's got a Schwab. Peace. Peace. Peace.
01:27:30
Peace out. Hey, I'm Jesus. Peace out. I mean, the only reason I can do that like that, and I was so excited when you brought it up,
01:27:39
is because when you're raised Catholic, you sit in church staring at the same two statues constantly.
01:27:47
And I was obsessed. There was a statue of the Virgin Mary. And I was like, how does she get her hand like that?
01:27:52
I just stared at it. I practiced it in my room. I don't know what it didn't really mean anything.
01:27:59
George is like, what does that mean? And I'm like, it's just the way they make the statue.
01:28:02
It's just, it's some kind of, look, I'm not holding a weapon. You can trust me. You can trust me. I'm the Virgin Mary.
01:28:10
Look, listen. I trust you more right now. Yeah, right? Weird. Kind of open. I'm open.
01:28:15
This is weird. Yeah, I dig it. Now I'm closed. Peace out. This dude, his leg is shattered.
01:28:26
He remains in the hospital. All these surgeries on his fucked up leg. Rinker's mother told the press that her son was troubled.
01:28:33
And the press is like, no shit. she says we believed he had a death wish i really believed he was hoping the police would shoot him
01:28:41
he was sentenced to are you ready for this 300 years in prison whoa i totally thought it was
01:28:48
going to go the other way no he tried to escape from the oregon state penitentiary in 2000 but
01:28:54
was quickly recaptured after was caught up in the razor wire oh you think they were gentle when they
01:29:01
got him out of that? You think they just grabbed him by his scrap and fucking yanked?
01:29:08
So he didn't try to escape. He just kind of ran for it like a dipshit. Do you want to see
01:29:13
his photo now? Yes. You mean the same one? No. Oh. Uh-huh. That's why I asked. You could have said no.
01:29:23
No. I know. Ugh. Yeah. He probably should be in a mental institution for 300 years.
01:29:31
The gun dealer who sold the two assault rifles used in the tower incident said he was getting out of business after his license expired, after this fucking thing happened.
01:29:39
He didn't know that Rinker was mentally ill when he purchased the rifles and regrets what happened as a result of his sale.
01:29:46
You know, that's the thing about selling guns. Yeah, you can't take a temperature and be like, you shouldn't have a gun.
01:29:53
It's tough. Seems like there a way you could though It seems like It seems like If we would just make the lightest fucking effort The simplest I mean how many more stories This is like the lightest version of this story that you could possibly find
01:30:08
And this is why in November you need to Vogue. Please Vogue. Come on, Vogue. Come on, Vogue, in November.
01:30:15
It's important. So Howard Barley. Oh, we're still. What's that? I just remembered the best Vogue from Paris is Burning,
01:30:25
where you pretend like you're putting powder on yourself. And then he said, and then you turn the mirror around and you show it to them,
01:30:32
which is like the ultimate slam. Like, I'm pretty, now look at you. How mean is that?
01:30:37
I also like, I'm hardcore Vogueing, but I also don't care so much that I'm putting makeup on.
01:30:41
Yeah. Amazing. But also I need to stop for a light pat down. Please watch the documentary Paris is Burning if you haven't.
01:30:47
It's the best thing. Amazing. It's the best thing ever. I want to, okay. Okay, so Howard Barley, the delivery man from, where did I say he was from?
01:30:58
Remind me. Chili's, the movie theater, Charles Schwab. Milwaukee? San Francisco.
01:31:04
All right, anyways. Thank you. So he almost lost his life in 1996. He says he doesn't think much about the man responsible for it today,
01:31:13
even though the issues with mental health and access to assault weapons persist.
01:31:17
He said, quote, it's a situation. This fucking guy, I love this dude, he's got the best fucking brain.
01:31:23
He says, it's a situation that society hasn't really dealt with, and I think at this time it's not capable of dealing with.
01:31:30
He said, James Rinker isn't eligible for release until 2266. Oh. And that's the coin tower siege hostage crisis of 1996.
01:31:42
22. 22. Well, the best news about that is that in 2266, he'll be swimming in his cell because it'll all be underwater.
01:31:53
Oh, shit. End of days. Oh, water shouldn't cost money. Okay. And in finality. Soon it won't.
01:32:04
Okay. Ready for hometown? We have time for a quick hometown. Let's do it. L'chaim.
01:32:10
L'chaim. Here's Vince with the mic. Oh, yeah. Where do they come in? Word of wisdom for us?
01:32:18
Anything we need to know? Did you notice the changing leaves on the way in from the airport?
01:32:23
Oh my god, you guys. Also, I want to thank Vince for getting us a box of chicken and a biscuit,
01:32:28
our new fucking writer. What a cracker. What a cracker. Okay. Thank you. Thanks, Vince.
01:32:35
All right. Chicken and a biscuit. Oh my god, look how far it goes. Hi. Hi, guys.
01:32:41
Hi. What's up? That's a lot of people. Okay, so this is hometown time. No pointing yet.
01:32:49
Karen's going to tell you things. First of all, what a gorgeous theater. What a gorgeous theater.
01:32:54
Truly. This is crazy. Did they know where they were before they agreed to this? No, we heard Nine Inch Nails was here last night.
01:33:03
Is that true? So here's, let me just run down super. It's important to listen to this because I'm only telling you the rules
01:33:11
because they're crucial pieces of information that you need to know. If you get picked to tell your hometown, we would like,
01:33:17
and we wouldn't just like, it is fucking required that you tell a story that's from Oregon, please.
01:33:25
Now, you can't slip by that rule and say, I'm from Oregon, this story's from Florida,
01:33:30
because we'll all hate you. So please have it be a local story. Please know the story.
01:33:37
Please don't be so drunk that you forget the story in the middle and start giggling and then say hi to your friend and do some shout outs.
01:33:45
Please make sure the story has a beginning, a middle, and an end. Usually, if you have to muck around in the middle,
01:33:51
at least know what happened to the person who did the thing so that we all have a little relief.
01:33:56
We can put a button on it before the night ends. And what's the best one of all?
01:34:03
Everyone hates you. If you get picked, everyone hates you. So keep it quick. and now does anyone have a hometown story that they would like
01:34:13
feel it your friend is raising his hand okay uh who should who karen you pick you pick i'm scared okay white shirt that's screaming yeah yeah yeah way back
01:34:27
there white shirt don't encourage screamers come around the front yeah but she's so far away
01:34:34
Come this way around the front. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then through here. Pick up your drink up in the front row here and hand it to me.
01:34:42
This way, this way. And then there is over that way. So close. Yeah, Ashley made it.
01:34:49
She did it. Ashley did it. The balcony sent Ashley down as their representative.
01:34:55
And she fucking made it. Ashley. Hi. Is that your name? Is it Ashley Bitterman? What's up?
01:35:03
Is your name Ashley? It really is Ashley. Say hi to Ashley, everybody. Come over here.
01:35:10
Is it Ashley Bitterman? That's what Georgia asked. No, you're not a Bitterman? Oh, okay.
01:35:16
Turn the lights down so she doesn't freak the fuck out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't look up there.
01:35:19
Don't look up there. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. There's nobody here. Look at us.
01:35:22
Look at us. So many people. I know. It's a ton of people. It's all your friends and family.
01:35:25
It's all your friends from the internet. Yeah, pretty much. Ashley, where are you from?
01:35:29
Milwaukee, Oregon. Oh, thank God. Wait, is that a Milwaukee, Oregon? There is, yeah.
01:35:36
What? You guys tricked me. It's me. So this is a Milwaukee accent. Oh, shit. I got tricked hard.
01:35:47
This reminds me... That's right. Oh, my God. That's right. That reminds me of when we were in Boston, and I was doing a story,
01:35:55
and it was like, she was from Avon, and I was like, I need to look up if Avon is a place.
01:36:00
She was an Avon lady. She was from Avon. Okay, I'm sorry. Oh my gosh. Let's go. So this story is from Milwaukee, actually.
01:36:07
When I, ooh, I'm like, so nervous. I know, right? This is crazy. I was like, I'm not going to get picked.
01:36:13
Are you a touch drunk or any drunk? I did not drink during the show. Great. So I drank beforehand.
01:36:19
Wow. It's an hour and a half. There's a long ellipsis at the end of that sentence.
01:36:23
But I started at 8 a.m. this morning. Oh, yeah. Something like that. If only. Now it's like a four.
01:36:30
Four o'clock. Okay, all right. Okay. I only had like one bottle of champagne. You've had an hour and a half to sober.
01:36:37
Yeah, you're fine. Yeah, it's fine. The lines were way too long here. Right? Do that on purpose.
01:36:42
We'll fix it for tomorrow. Okay, so Milwaukee, Oregon, it's where I was born and raised.
01:36:47
My mom also grew up there. I feel like my voice is shaking. Don't think about it.
01:36:52
Don't get in your head. Okay, it's okay. That makes them look good. So Milwaukee, Oregon, I graduated from Rex Putnam High School,
01:36:58
which is also falling rocks. Yes. The mighty falling rocks. Okay. Kingsmen, but clubs.
01:37:09
Oh, okay. They fought many, many falling rocks. So yeah. Exactly. So it's also where my mom
01:37:20
graduated. So this story I got from her. She had told me about it when I was a kid and I
01:37:25
maybe caused a bit of like lore at my school from it because I thought something different happened
01:37:31
but I called her today and got the real details I was like oh okay but this happened in
01:37:38
January 14th of 1982 and my mom had a yearbook dedicated to this wonderful woman
01:37:47
her name was Ann Jeanette Perry I made sure and tell myself the names over and over again
01:37:53
you practice But she was the PE and health teacher there. She was also one of the best in Oregon.
01:38:02
She was involved in so many different things. But sadly, she was murdered. On January 14th,
01:38:11
did I say 14th? Yeah, you nailed that. 14th, 1982. Okay. On this day, her roommate actually found her.
01:38:19
She didn't show up for school. Everyone was a little worried. Her dad went over to her apartment,
01:38:23
didn't see anything was like okay like things are a little maybe something might have happened
01:38:28
but he called the police um her roommate showed up home later and found in her bed
01:38:34
um Jeanette's body that's the article that I read said that Ann and Jeanette she liked to go by
01:38:41
Jeanette um she was found there her roommate found her under some pillows and blankets that
01:38:48
were kind of in a disarray she was looking around like whoa why's my bed like this saw her feet
01:38:52
immediately called the police. Police showed up, found Jeanette. She was strangled, beaten,
01:39:00
and she was stabbed through the heart with a pair of scissors. Oh my God. Yeah Horrible She was found pretty much naked And the kind of a weird thing was she had a pair of underwear pushed up partway on her thighs
01:39:17
which the police were like, that's weird. So from there, they didn't have very many leads,
01:39:24
so they found out that she had been dating a few people. One guy which she had just broken it off with was a night janitor at Rex Putnam High School
01:39:34
named Leroy Wayne Earp, spelled E-A-R-P. I had to keep saying that to myself, Earp.
01:39:46
So they had little clues to go off of. The only thing was they had a witness. One of the neighbors said that they saw a Mercury Cougar speeding away that night,
01:39:58
driven by a man with short hair. And they also had a gold watch that was left tangled in the bedsheets.
01:40:04
so the police then looked into Earp and found that he had quite the past he should definitely not have been hired
01:40:16
by high school but it was the 80s so things like that didn't matter they found that
01:40:23
I was there it sucked just two years beforehand he was paroled after spending 14 years in prison
01:40:32
for murdering a woman. Oh. Yeah. And this I just found insane. His story for murdering her was he blacked out
01:40:46
because he had taken too many pills and strangled her somehow. But then he kept that woman's body in his trunk for two days
01:40:55
until police found it. 14 fucking years and that's it. Yep, just 14 years. And then the high school's like, great.
01:41:02
Yeah. Yeah, we'll take you. Yeah, just work nights. Fine. Guys, pre-internet. Guys, pre-internet.
01:41:09
So, and then, and he had a history of assault, rape, and burglary. And it was just insane. Clearly he was on quite the path.
01:41:25
So then, a couple days before Jeanette was murdered, she had actually confronted him and was like,
01:41:35
hey, I kind of heard that you might have been in prison for maybe murdering somebody.
01:41:42
And he was like, well, yeah? And she was just like, well, I don't think you should be working here.
01:41:52
So with that in mind, it's believed that was part of the motive. He saw that his job was in jeopardy.
01:42:00
So then a couple days after the murder, police find his Mercury kind of off of I-84 towards the Dalles, so kind of
01:42:13
in a very deserted area. And inside of it it was filled with just like an assortment of things one of which was like a little lunch baggy like a brown lunch bag full of stuff from Jeanette house So then he police were on the lookout for him
01:42:33
They couldn't quite find him. So they were staking out in Northeast Portland where his parents lived.
01:42:38
And from there, he, I lost my train of thought. They couldn't find him, and then they ended up picking him up a couple of days later.
01:42:51
It was like the 16th, right, like at a Fred Meyer parking lot, actually. Police went up to him and was like, hey, are you this guy?
01:42:59
And he was like, no, no, I'm somebody else. So once they took him into custody, they found out he had been hiding for like two days in a state park in a women's restroom.
01:43:09
of which a woman's bowling league had stopped by to use the restroom. Two women walked in, and he was in there and scared the shit out of him.
01:43:19
And they were like, what the fuck? And they ended up actually giving him a ride back into Portland.
01:43:25
Wow. Insane. Fuck. If only they had known. Oh, my God. Oy vey. Luckily, they were all fired.
01:43:32
But police picked him up, and his story was that he had gone to Jeanette's house,
01:43:39
seen her body, freaked out, and ran away. Police were like, okay, well, why was your watch in bed?
01:43:47
Of which a witness came forward and proved that it was his watch during the trial.
01:43:52
He went to trial. He was convicted. He was found guilty by a jury of his peers, even though he pled non-guilty, or not guilty.
01:44:02
And he was sentenced to life in prison. Yay. And he spent the rest of his life in prison, still claiming his innocence.
01:44:15
He went through appeals, but he was found guilty. And he actually died in prison last year.
01:44:21
Oh. Yep. So that's the best possible ending you could have given. And say her name again, Jeanette.
01:44:29
Ann Jeanette? Ann Jeanette Perry. Ann Jeanette Perry. Beautifully done. That was masterful.
01:44:35
Thank you. Ashley nailed that shit. Ashley, you guys. I can't believe it. Great job.
01:44:41
Thank you so much. You get to keep that microphone. That's yours. No, no, no. They're real expensive.
01:44:47
Then she'll take it. Jesus Christ, she knew every fucking fact. I know. She knew more facts than we did.
01:44:52
That's right. Wow. Portland, we fucking love it here. Wow. So much. truly like if i am when i'm forced to leave los angeles i feel like this is the number one on my
01:45:08
list today hell yes you guys are so rad we love you we love you so much you've always been uh
01:45:15
incredibly supportive um very vocal and virulent from day one portland i'm not kidding and that
01:45:23
the very first tour that we went on our uh our agent that books all these tours he does it all
01:45:28
by numbers and you know they have a whole system or whatever and he's like you guys gotta go to
01:45:32
portland that like one of the first things he said and then we had to do three fucking nights of shows because you guys were so angry about this And then you gave us a fucking vomit in the aisles
01:45:43
It was amazing. And we were like, hell yes, we're never not coming here. So thank you so much for your support.
01:45:50
Thank you for being here and for creating this community. We say this all the time, but we really, really mean it.
01:45:58
There's this community that's grown up out of people listening to this podcast. you've all done it for each other and with each other and you're doing amazing things and i know
01:46:08
that there's a lot of fucked up shit happening in the world right now but there's some really
01:46:12
amazing shit happening in this community and that's a great thing to hold on to right now
01:46:17
we're voguing together let's all vogue on november whatever this day is you're supposed to
01:46:25
bug 10th 7th 8th you could probably do it now 7th I can't have my glasses on 7th I can't count
01:46:34
people going like this then why did you do okay don't start fighting um yeah we show up on November 11th I've got all my votes tallied who'd like to record them
01:46:48
is that it yeah thanks you guys we'll see you tomorrow night yeah thank you so much Portland
01:46:55
So much fun. Stay sexy. And don't get murdered. Bye, you guys. Thank you. Cheap Caribbean summer savings event is here.
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