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00:01:36
Hello! Hello! And welcome. To My Favorite Murder. The celebrity hometown minisode.
00:01:52
That's right. It's a little extra. A third episode. Because we need more jobs for you.
00:01:57
where we talk to our reliable celebrity friends who agreed to this, that we love.
00:02:04
The famous ones that still show up for you. Some of the best in the biz. That's right.
00:02:10
And we're so excited to talk to our guest today. You've seen him at clubs and colleges
00:02:15
all over the country, of course. You also may have seen him on AP Bio. He's on tons of stuff.
00:02:23
You know him. You love him. His name is Patton Oswalt. Patton, welcome to the show.
00:02:28
Hi, my favorite murderers. It is so good. There is nothing more. I have a bit now where I mention you guys' podcast.
00:02:39
You just what? It's a lot. It is organically mentioned. And whenever I say the name of the podcast,
00:02:47
the murderinos in the audience just go nuts. It's the best. It is like, this feels like what it must have been like
00:02:55
to make a Star Trek reference in 1974. So the people in there are like, ah, ah, ah.
00:03:01
They all start like cawing at each other and like calling out. But like half the audience goes nuts.
00:03:07
It's fantastic. That's amazing. I love that we have crossover fans. Like who would have thought that a murder podcast
00:03:13
and the very funny Patton Oswalt would have crossover fans? Like, I love that. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
00:03:20
Crossover appeal. It's all those people from the Sunday Night Punchline And, you know, the walk in and stand at the bar and hope you get picked showcase night.
00:03:32
Is that your San Francisco days? Yes, it was all stand awkwardly in that weird hallway that led back to the kitchen,
00:03:39
which by today's standards was so insanely unsanitary because you had me and Karen and
00:03:46
Lori Kilmartin and Blaine Kapatch and Byron Yee, like with one foot in the kitchen where
00:03:51
They're running back to get people's nacho plates. And we're just back there smoking weed and yakking.
00:03:57
It was just, oh, my God. How was that place not shut down? I mean, for real. Yeah.
00:04:04
For real. Yeah. It's been a long time. So it's thrilling to have you here. It's thrilling to get to talk to you for a second.
00:04:12
Patton, you have your own podcast now. I do. With your wife, Meredith Salinger. Yes.
00:04:18
Meredith Salinger, star of stage and screen. Well, not really stage. Big screen, little screen.
00:04:22
That's her. Never really actually did any stage stuff now that I think about it.
00:04:25
She's never done Broadway? No, she never did Broadway. So she and I basically live in a house together but spend half the day texting each other,
00:04:37
even though we're never more than 60 feet away. And then it's a chance to get together once a week and go over the texts,
00:04:45
some of which are very cryptic and weird because we'll send them at odd hours. What did you mean by this?
00:04:49
oh, I needed you to go get this. So it's like two people solving the mystery of their ongoing marriage through text.
00:04:57
And it's, here's how bad it's gotten. One night, a couple weeks ago, we were both in bed.
00:05:03
We had watched a show and then we're like, okay, good night. And then she like turned away, but she had found this absolutely perfect position with
00:05:12
all the pillows. And then I'm next to her, but I saw this really cool picture on my phone.
00:05:18
I'm like, oh, hey, sweetie. And I wanted to show her to her. But she goes, I have just landed in such a perfect position.
00:05:24
You have to text it to me. I'm not going to roll over and lose. I got all the pillows right where I want them.
00:05:29
You're not. And she goes, you're going to text it to me. And I'm not going to be ashamed about it because I'm not giving up this position.
00:05:35
So we will text each other from inches away. I love that. As a bed and sleeping and nap connoisseur, I fucking respect that so much.
00:05:45
It's not laziness. It's pure delight. and enjoyment. And I respect that. And pillow architecture.
00:05:52
Oh. That's important. Yes. It really does take a while because if you I was making the mistake where I bought fancy pillows and then was just laying on them however the pillow would have me And I would wake up in the morning with like a super fucked up neck And I was like oh I don like these pillows I just think that I
00:06:10
supposed to just be on them as they will have me where it's like, no, no, no, it has to fit.
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It has to be helping me. I can't just take it as it is. Yes, you have to, it has to work for you. I remember one year I hosted a video game award
00:06:24
competition in Vegas. And it was the year that video games broke big, where it was suddenly
00:06:31
overnight, it was a billion dollar industry. And all these game designers who in the past
00:06:37
just wore basketball shorts and t-shirts and road code on the back of pizza boxes are suddenly,
00:06:42
they're all billionaires. So they all are at this award ceremony and they've got their bespoke
00:06:46
suits on. But it was clear that it was their first ever nice suit because they had put it on at the
00:06:53
beginning of the evening and no one had told them that as the evening goes on, you need to stand and
00:06:58
adjust and shoot your pots because they thought it was like a computer program. You put it on and
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it just runs and does its function. So I was giving awards to all these new billionaires,
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all going up with the jankiest, most expensive, like the sleeve was all jammed up and the waist
00:07:15
was wrong because they just sat and just forgot. They didn't know how to work a suit. They didn't
00:07:20
know how to do it. Those Nuva Riche gamers, man. It was all Nuva Riche billionaires in their
00:07:26
incredibly bespoke cut suit looking. They may as well have gone to Jonathan S. Banks or whatever
00:07:34
that place was for you. You buy the suit and it comes apart as the evening goes along.
00:07:38
Men's warehouse. Men's warehouse, yes, exactly. Tear away. This actually goes along with my idea and I can't remember. I don't think I've ever told
00:07:45
you because now that you're saying this to me, it would be the perfect idea to pitch to you,
00:07:49
which was when all of that stuff was happening in like the early 2000s. I had the idea to make a show about nerd finishing school
00:07:58
where basically all these new billionaires have to go and learn like how to use the fork, how to pretend to be interested
00:08:05
in what other people are saying. Like basically they're being treated like debutantes from the 50s
00:08:11
with books on their heads, but yeah. But that is absolutely true that there is a culture now
00:08:18
of people who just either talk to screens or hit run on a program and there's no back and forth interaction and adjusting.
00:08:25
Oh my gosh, that would actually be a, that would be a profitable business for the nouveau riche,
00:08:31
how to speak without food in your mouth. And yeah, exactly. Right. Use a fork and knife properly.
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I feel like that is that somehow my mom, even though we were eating breakfast for dinner
00:08:41
because she's still somehow new to teach us how to properly and we get, you know,
00:08:46
scolded if we used caveman fucking hands or forks. You know what I mean? That's an important skill that not everyone knows.
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Just for clarification, I don't want to actually start a finishing school. I just want to make a TV show about it.
00:09:01
Yeah. Nothing real. I thought Karen was like, you know, you'd go to their house and you'd sit down with them.
00:09:07
I'll be driving all over Silicon Valley. It's going to be amazing. It's going to be amazing.
00:09:11
These shoes, you need to actually tie these. I know that you're used to stepping into your shoes.
00:09:16
You only walk like eight feet, but in the world, you can't have shoelaces whipping around.
00:09:21
There's other people moving around. You need to. Right. Yeah. We just, Meredith had our daughter, Alice, go to a politeness school, like a, not a term
00:09:30
school, like a weekend, once a week manners dinner where they learned proper because she
00:09:36
just didn't, there's no examples of that anymore. And obviously she's not trying to make her be like a little debutante, but there was
00:09:44
this, hey, your dad is a horrible example of how to eat and how to comport yourself because
00:09:48
I look, I literally, I eat like a monkey just learning to use a tool for the first time.
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So she's like, yeah, maybe learn to actually sit and not have stuff slopping all over the
00:10:00
place. And so that was, that was amazing. I appreciate that so much. Oh yeah. Yeah.
00:10:05
We got busted all the time for pushing rice onto our fork with our thumbs. And we would, it was like, my mother's favorite thing to make as a side was minute rice.
00:10:14
And so we were always just trying to like get a pile on there. And my parents would go insane.
00:10:19
We're just like, okay, but no one's around. The queen of Spain isn't here for dinner.
00:10:25
Can we just, it's the last pile of rice. It's really hard to get on a fork. Right.
00:10:31
Meredith's argument is if we teach it now when it doesn't matter, then it'll be second nature,
00:10:36
which is out in public. And based on the other people that seem to be coming up, she's going to seem like a Kryptonian
00:10:42
with her manners. I can't believe this kid is actually – isn't using her fork like a weird scoop shovel like her dad does.
00:10:52
How about can we bring back the spork is my thing? Like is there classy sporks? Well, bring back the spork or is the spork where we're all eventually going to?
00:11:02
Like in another generation, will it be like in 2001 where all food is just kind of a mash, kind of a slurry of protein and carbs?
00:11:11
I'd love it. And you just use the spork to kind of scoop it up. Can we still have minute rice on the side?
00:11:17
That's all I ask, please. Yeah. Should we pivot into hometown? Yes. And see what Patton has to say about his random, it could be anything.
00:11:32
What does he, what does he associate the word hometown with? Here's what I associate my hometown with.
00:11:38
And this is very much about how and when I grew up. I got ready for this podcast I grew up in Sterling Virginia I read up on Sterling Virginia No real crazy murders anything like that So then I went a little further afield more out of Virginia Yes there are some good Virginia murders but they are way way way down in the deep south of the southern part of Virginia down 81 near Roanoke near Blacksburg That where you know Henry Lee Lucas was born
00:12:07
And like, that's where. So but what I would love to talk about are the hometown crimes and killings that never get written about.
00:12:17
because growing up in the 70s with no internet and no social media, there were the kids in your high school that would blow off their hand with an M80
00:12:26
or get drunk and scrape the top of their head off driving home. But they just vanished into their hometowns.
00:12:33
They never got out and became a bigger story, whereas I feel like now when these little tragedies occur,
00:12:40
there is a narrative and there's something told. So I just want to do a tip to three people.
00:12:47
One, I'm not going to say, I'm going to make up names because if they're still out there, they're so far gone that they will track me down.
00:12:54
And also, I imagine that they've either fallen down a QAnon hole or a MAGA hole or God knows what.
00:13:01
Right, of course. First, I'm going to talk about John X, who John X was this kid who lived over on, I lived on Sugar Land Run Drive.
00:13:09
He lived up on Crescent Court, and he was obsessed with the idea of explosives. I think we watched that movie Force 10 from Navarone where they were going to bomb a dam or a bridge or something.
00:13:21
And he was trying to make like a time bomb or something, and he blew off most of his left hand in his garage.
00:13:28
How old was he? I think he was 16 when he did it. He was older than us, but he was like – at the time, I remember I was like 10 or 11.
00:13:37
And he was the cool older kid that we're like, this is so awesome. This older kid wants to hang out with us.
00:13:42
You realize later the reason he's hanging out with the 10 and 11-year-olds is because the other kids his age want nothing to do with him.
00:13:48
So he's like, well, I get to be a king to these little dipshits. King of the fourth graders as a 16-year-old.
00:13:56
Exactly. In the 70s and 80s, there's always the kid in your neighborhood who's into explosives.
00:14:01
I think it was my brother, actually. Really? Remember the anarchist cookbook? Oh, God. Yes. He had it. My mom took it away. Yeah. Terrible.
00:14:12
OK, so that was John. John X up on Crescent Court blew off most of his left hand.
00:14:17
And then I remember it was weird. His parents didn't move away. So he was I assume he was still in the neighborhood, but we just didn't see him anymore.
00:14:28
Like, I think he just stayed in the house. So I feel like there were many years of me and my friends growing up where if I had looked over at the house,
00:14:36
I would have seen like his eye maybe like peeking out of one of the front drapes or one of those.
00:14:41
Yeah, I know. It's horrible. But there you go. John X. Can I just make a counter suggestion?
00:14:47
Go ahead. You know, that could have been a very freeing moment for him. We're in the hospital.
00:14:51
He met a cute candy striper and she was like, what are you doing with all these bombs?
00:14:55
Yeah. And then he's like, I'm going to go to your school from now on. Let's just turn it.
00:14:59
We can turn it. The possibilities for John X to really have had a come to Jesus with that moment and then be like, I'm going to make bombs for good now.
00:15:12
Maybe he works for the government. Maybe he went to boarding school. He fucking flourished there.
00:15:19
Blackstone, is that he could have maybe started that company? I love that you found a happy ending that included love and companionship and purpose for John X.
00:15:29
I love that. Also, deep in my heart, I know he was just peering through that front window at the neighborhood.
00:15:36
That was the whole thing. You could feel it on your neck. Yes, but I like that story better.
00:15:41
And if the multiverse is real, then somewhere he's out there with his cool nurse wife and his mangled hand.
00:15:47
But she loves that mangled hand, damn it. Yes, she does. Sexy. And let's leave it at that.
00:15:52
Let's just stop right there. One down, one down. Yeah, one down. But then I will now do Tom X.
00:15:59
Tom X was a kid who lived up on, there was an actual street near us named Penny Lane.
00:16:05
It was, look, our development that I grew up in Sugar and Run was built in 1970.
00:16:10
And it feels like a lot of the planners were like, we just need some Penny Lane.
00:16:15
Isn't that a song? It doesn't matter. Penny Lane, that'll be nice. Put it up there.
00:16:19
Yeah, Penny Lane. And so Tom X was the kid in the neighborhood who got super into, and again, this is all
00:16:25
in the late 70s, very early 80s, but got super into martial arts weapons and would send away
00:16:32
for the throwing stars and the katana and the nunchucks and something like that.
00:16:40
And now he didn't himself get hurt. No one dies in this one. But we had Kung Fu Theater on Saturday afternoons, WDCA, Channel 20.
00:16:49
And the version that I heard was that he and his brother, his brother was like a year younger
00:16:55
than him they're both kind of dirt bags but but good guys you know fun to hang out with and they
00:17:00
were in the backyard and and tom x was throwing throwing stars at his little brother tom x
00:17:08
parentheses a and the little brother was trying to catch them in the air and no and a what i heard
00:17:16
a throwing star went into his brother's cheek um i know i remember the brother being at school
00:17:21
where they cut in his cheek, but Tom X was punished for a long time. This is when he was a teenager.
00:17:27
Nowadays, it would turn into, we need to bomb martial arts weapons, but luckily we were still just in the phase
00:17:34
of other adults going, yeah, some kids suck. Some kids are just dumb. Like it didn't create a weird moral panic
00:17:40
in the neighborhood, which is nice. No. Yeah. It was that kid is bad with martial arts weapons.
00:17:47
Not every kid is bad. Yeah, and by the way, I don't even think it was in terms of,
00:17:51
Because I also remember in the 70s like parents really hung out with each other Like there was just at the end of the day the people would come out of their homes and just hang out at the cul And the parents didn get shunned or pushed away
00:18:05
The other parents were like, oh, my kids suck too. Like some of your kids suck. Like they weren't
00:18:10
saying you're a bad parent. Like you do your best and sometimes they're pieces of shit. What are you
00:18:14
going to do? You know? So that was, that was actually kind of nice. This is reminds me, sorry,
00:18:18
but we've gotten a couple of emails because somebody sent in this unbelievable hometown
00:18:23
about when they accidentally served little kids hard lemonade at the 4th of July neighborhood thing.
00:18:30
And it was that thing where they had to tell the other parents and all the other parents thought it was hilarious
00:18:36
and just took the kids and put them to bed. So it was like six-year-olds that were walking around super drunk.
00:18:42
And so then we were like, guys, send us your drunk kids stories. And now we're getting them.
00:18:47
And I think there is a subset of parents who get that. And maybe it's because they're Gen X.
00:18:52
So they're like, yeah, it's not that big of a deal. It's like, they'll sleep it off.
00:18:57
It's not the end of the world. And it is, you have to admit it's funny. Yeah. I was caught drunk in our house by my parents one time.
00:19:06
I was up watching movies. Wasn't doing anything crazy. I just, for some reason, there was a bunch of beers in the fridge.
00:19:10
And I said, I'm going to have a beer. I think I was 16. And I had one and I got a little buzz
00:19:15
and I had a second one. And then my mom came down. And I wasn't drunk, but I was having a little buzz.
00:19:20
And then she said, look, if you're going to drink, I don't want you drinking, but if you're going to do it, do it in the house.
00:19:26
Like don't drive somewhere and do it. Like it was that seventies thing of at least he's doing it here.
00:19:32
You know, he's not hurting anybody. So fine, you know? Yeah, completely. So there was that, it was just a whole different attitude.
00:19:37
And then although now there's a weirdly different attitude, I think now with Gen X parents,
00:19:42
because the idea of pot being any kind of thing that you would either catch your kids with or that it would ruin your life is so a thing of yesteryear.
00:19:50
year. Our daughter doesn't smoke weed, doesn't want to smoke weed, but I just don't ever see it
00:19:56
being any kind of big deal down the road. It just isn't a big deal anymore. That's just gone now.
00:20:01
No one cares. And there's no taboo really on it. So it's not like you want to sneak out and do
00:20:06
something your parents don't agree with because your parents don't really give a shit. Yeah,
00:20:09
exactly. And again, I'd rather have my kids smoking weed than drinking. Yeah, definitely.
00:20:14
Although I will say, I don't want to sound like a fuddy-duddy, I don't smoke weed anymore,
00:20:19
But my friends who smoke weed now are like, and these are all pot smokers. And they're saying, I can't believe I'm saying this.
00:20:25
If my kids do smoke the weed that they have now, I would like for me to be there to regulate it a little bit.
00:20:32
Because smoking a whole joint is not the same as smoking a whole joint when we were 20.
00:20:36
This is powerful steamroller level stuff. Yes. This is not stems and seeds. Shrag.
00:20:46
It's intense. Also, it's this, we live in this reality. And I think of it all the time.
00:20:50
I think the three of us were super Stephen King nerds when we were kids, right? Patton, it's one of the first things you and I bonded on, I think,
00:20:59
is just like listing out. And I believe it was from The Running Man when there's that woman in her car
00:21:05
and she's so stressed out from her day and the traffic and she goes to a vending machine and gets joints.
00:21:11
And I remember reading that when I was like 15. I'm like, that's amazing. And now like your kid drives around and there's the pot store here, the pot store there, these beautiful, they look like bakeries.
00:21:23
Oh my God. Gorgeous. They do, they look gorgeous. They're gorgeous. Yeah. Is that a lamp store?
00:21:27
No, they sell weed there. It's like, it's crazy. It's the future. Yeah. I remember a friend of mine pointing out that there was, again, this panic about, well, if we legalize weed, it's just going to be in stores.
00:21:38
Kids are going to go in and buy it. I'm like, well, there are cigarettes and beer and gas stations.
00:21:42
I can buy them, but I don't, it doesn't mean that, oh my God, I guess I got to buy, just because there doesn't mean that everyone will run in and buy it.
00:21:50
I drive by weed stores all the time. It's weird you mentioned Stephen King because my daughter, who is 12, has, because of Stranger Things, has now reverse engineered herself into Stephen King.
00:22:04
So I have to review, when she was like eight, I read her Eyes of the Dragon, which is his young adult novel.
00:22:09
that's a little good for kids but she really really likes his writing so she's like I want to
00:22:15
I want to read some of this stuff so I had to like skim back through a lot of the stuff that I read
00:22:19
at her age and and again that wonderful 1970s parental neglect um I reread The Stand which I
00:22:28
read when I was 10 oh my god and I'm like oh my god how was I allowed to read this and I was like
00:22:37
sweetie, I can't have you read The Stand, but I did let her read The Institute, which is like Stranger Things,
00:22:43
but a little grittier. Oh, yeah. And now she's reading The Talisman, which is the one that he wrote with Peter Straub.
00:22:50
And I think next year I'll let her read Salem's Lot. Like, I have to now be careful about,
00:22:57
because what was okay for me, maybe not okay for her right now. Maybe let's ease her into it a little bit.
00:23:03
Cujo, maybe a nice doggy story would be okay? Except Cujo, I re-skimmed through Cujo.
00:23:11
Yes, it is a really cool tense story, but there's a whole ugly part of the middle,
00:23:16
which makes me wonder a little bit about what Stephen King was going through at the time,
00:23:19
where the wife is having a really gross affair with this failed hack writer who doesn't even come into their house and, like, jerk off on their bed.
00:23:28
Oh, God. I blocked all of this out. Yes, exactly. At, like, 12 or 13, I read Gerald's Game.
00:23:34
Yo, what? What the fuck? That's like straight up bondage rape. Yes. Yeah. Where was my mother?
00:23:43
Where was my mother? Yeah. So, yeah, there was, again, there was stuff that just at the time it was, well, it's a
00:23:49
big bestseller and it's just monsters. What's the big deal? It's a book. Yeah. Like my daughter wants to read Carrie and I was like, we're going to wait till you're
00:23:56
out of high school because that's going to kind of fuck you up, especially. now, you know. Didn't Stephen King write Cujo when he was blacked out? Like he doesn't remember
00:24:05
writing it. Yes. I love that. I just gave my daughter the book On Writing, which is his memoir
00:24:10
about writing, which is actually great. And there was a funny Onion op-ed about 20 years ago of,
00:24:17
I don't remember writing The Tommyknockers. Like, ha ha. And the joke was, I write so many books,
00:24:21
I don't remember it. But in On Writing, he goes, I do not remember writing Cujo, Christine, or The
00:24:27
Tommyknockers because he was so whacked out of his head. And the Tommyknockers is a brilliant
00:24:32
book about overcoming cocaine addiction. He just hides it as alien, but it's about being a cocaine
00:24:39
addict. That's what the whole book is about. Goddamn. I got to go back and read these again.
00:24:43
Yeah. I know. I'm getting so excited about this conversation because I was going to say,
00:24:47
what about Firestarter? Firestarter is very, that'll be one that I'll let her read. The only
00:24:53
thing about fire starter is there's a very weird section where this psychiatrist who is studying
00:25:00
the kid who can start fires has a weird sexual kink where he puts on ladies underwear and then
00:25:08
jerks off while he looks at a garbage disposal running it's this whole thing and then yes that's
00:25:14
right and then the father does a weird mental push on the guy to make him shove his hand into
00:25:19
the thing while he's jerking off. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to moodle. It's totally Stranger Things.
00:25:25
It's Stranger Things with a weird jerking off to a garbage disposal fetish. I literally think about that part of that book
00:25:31
every time I use my garbage disposal. I literally sit there and go, don't put your hand in that.
00:25:36
Please don't put your hand in that. It's so fucked up. It's so fucked up. I feel like if you just grab a Sharpie,
00:25:42
go through each and every one, and just, I feel like it'll be half the book. Redacted.
00:25:47
Redacted. No jerking off. Don't need this. Well, I'm going to have her read the novella The Body.
00:25:52
I think that one's good. And then she'll watch Stand By Me. I'm a little older. I mean, Firestarter is just R-rated Stranger Things.
00:26:01
It's just Stranger Things with some serious violence and sex in it. What about It?
00:26:05
I feel like it's similar, but it's so much scarier. Guys, listen. It has aged. They basically defeat the monster by kind of gang raping the girl.
00:26:18
Why am I forgetting all of this? And I'm like, I don't know if this is the best thing.
00:26:24
All right. You know what? There are other authors. There are great books out today for kids.
00:26:30
Let's. By the way, there are great Stephen King novels. I just have to be careful what.
00:26:36
Because Karen and I just had it all thrown right at us. Like, yeah, get a nice monster book.
00:26:43
They'll know any better. And now we're like, I mean. And I remember even when I was reading It, which I think I read, that didn't come out until like the late 80s.
00:26:52
I was in high school. But even then I was like, this is a little fucking weird. I don't know what's going on here.
00:26:58
They're what? They're all fucking the girl. And also, I almost like kind of expected it or knew that there was always going to be a part that freaked me out more than the scary stuff.
00:27:09
Yes, always. That was troubling. but ultimately the part that I was like, he did not have to make it a big giant spider.
00:27:17
I really don't like that. Yes. Yeah. I don't like it. Not to be a big nerd, but in his first memoir,
00:27:25
Don's McCarve, he talks about if you should, if you have something scratching on the other side of a door,
00:27:29
but you never show what it is, the reader's mind goes insane from fear. And if you open the door and it's a 10 foot spider,
00:27:36
they freak out for two seconds. And then they go, well, if it had been a hundred foot spider,
00:27:40
that would have been worse. Now, if you then open the door and it's a hundred foot spider,
00:27:43
they would have gone, oh my God. And then they would have gone, but if it was a thousand foot spider.
00:27:47
So he broke his own rule at the end of it by having it be a big spider. Yeah, well, look, maybe he was drunk.
00:27:53
When I get drunk, I just watch fucking trailer park boys, but apparently he writes novels.
00:27:59
Well, not only like even his drunk novels are fucking amazing. There's parts in Cujo.
00:28:04
There's a whole section about the guy with the breakfast cereal that turns kids shit red and he shows how it moves through the culture. Like before there were memes,
00:28:16
he shows like it becomes a George Carlin routine and then Johnny Carson talks about it and then it
00:28:20
becomes a t-shirt. Like he shows how something becomes a meme. And the fact that he was writing
00:28:26
that during a drunken blackout, that's a level of genius I can't even begin to imagine.
00:28:32
Yeah. A drunken blackout. What I guess now it would be almost 50 years before it was a real thing.
00:28:39
Yes. Yes. It was incredible. Like a true visionary. In his memoir, he would he said during that time he would wake up, he would drink a bottle of NyQuil for breakfast.
00:28:48
That was his breakfast was a bottle of NyQuil. Then he would do coke all day and just.
00:28:53
And, you know, that's what he was. And he was that's also when he was writing so many novels that his agent said, you're flooding the market.
00:28:59
this will hurt your sales think of a pseudonym and he wrote four other novels under a fucking
00:29:04
pseudonym he's just he's a force of nature he really is yeah yeah it was amazing i was reading
00:29:12
one book on a plane one time and i remember getting this weird feeling because i knew
00:29:17
technically i was reading but it felt like i was thinking the story that's how smooth and beautiful
00:29:24
the writing was where yes because sometimes i think it whether it's like an add thing or a
00:29:29
whatever, where I almost have to put like a bookmark under and trace it down so that I don't
00:29:34
skip. So do I. Yeah. And that never happens with his books because it's like my eyes are ingesting
00:29:40
the story. Yes. He never, ever loses you. And it's why a lot of, that's why a lot of his audio
00:29:45
books are so fun to listen to, even if you've read the book, because they, they bring you in
00:29:51
from a from a Buick eight which is a novel told from like eight different points of view So for the audio book they got eight different actors brilliant like Bruce Davidson and the mom from Freaks and Geeks to do each part And you never like I remember listening to that book on tape I would get to meetings and I would go in late because I was
00:30:08
sitting there like, I can't, I need to know what happens here. I can't like go in. And I would go
00:30:13
in like 10 minutes late. I'm like, this is audio book. I really like it. I'm sorry. You know?
00:30:16
I love that. I know that when I don't mind sitting in traffic or when I actually get my
00:30:20
ass out and hike, that means I'm really into the audio book I'm listening to. Yeah.
00:30:24
That's the only way I'll hike or enjoy traffic. Like, period. The best. This is our new Stephen King podcast.
00:30:31
This is, wow. Ladies and gentlemen, look for us. Thanks for listening to Hail to the King.
00:30:36
And I was also, there was a bit of a, I'm going to admit that there was a bit of a daddy
00:30:42
bragging when I let her read the Institute because I'm mentioned in it. So I'm part of, I'm in the King verse now.
00:30:50
So that was like a, hey, let me enjoy this. And then I was waiting for like a few days later.
00:30:54
She goes, Bobby, that's you. I was like, yeah, you know, it's weird. I just kind of showed up in there.
00:31:00
That is so cool. That is really bad. Yeah. But if you had told 10-year-old me who was like reading The Stand and like my friends and I would argue as to who you would cast in The Stand as all the different parts.
00:31:14
Like that would go back and forth. And, you know, oh, Stu Redman, that's Bruce Springsteen, man.
00:31:19
Like, we just bet everyone that has to be that person. Did you watch the most recent version?
00:31:25
I did. It was... It'll never be as good as the movie in your head. No. That's the thing about a writer that good,
00:31:34
is that you've already watched this movie. And you've watched a great movie. You're right.
00:31:39
I've watched a great movie. I don't need to... Yeah, you're right. And also, in my mind, it is set in the late 70s,
00:31:46
even though he has it set in 85 when he first wrote it. But Brandon Goldsmith always has long Jan Brady type hair
00:31:53
and is a hot 70s girl. And Laurie Underwood is that kind of Jerry Rafferty kind of rocker,
00:32:00
like that kind of look. Yes, exactly. I just had that in my head. Can't be any different.
00:32:05
Yeah, they already look like someone. And then suddenly there's someone else on the screen.
00:32:10
You're like, that's not them. And also, I know how Baby Can You Dig Your Man goes.
00:32:15
I probably could play it on the guitar. I should do a cover of that song. Why haven't you done?
00:32:21
You should absolutely do that. That'll be the theme song for the podcast. This is all working out.
00:32:26
For the new podcast that we just made? For our new podcast. It's called Baby Can You Dig Your Cat?
00:32:30
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00:35:52
Goodbye. Okay wait are you going to give us your third story What the third one Okay well this is one This is sort of connected to my family a little bit so I can name some names in this one It very very strange
00:36:05
I wrote down as much of this as I could. My uncle Pete, who suffered from schizophrenia,
00:36:10
but still a really nice guy. But when he was growing up, he grew up around Mount Washington outside of D.C.
00:36:17
Or he grew up in that Rainier. It was some neighborhood near Washington, D.C. And his priest, his neighborhood priest, Father Bowen, suddenly left the diocese and had to travel to the Midwest to do something.
00:36:34
And then when he came back, he was really, as my Uncle Pete said, very, very messed up, and clearly something had gone horribly wrong.
00:36:42
turns out that his parish priest also my mom's parish priest and my you know my grandparents
00:36:48
was the priest that went out i believe it was in nebraska in the 50s or 60s and did the exorcism
00:36:57
that the exorcist is based on he is the guy he's the basis for father marin and he
00:37:04
went and did something and came back and as you know and of course the only one who remembers it
00:37:09
was my schizophrenic uncle who passed away, but I guess it really, there was some kind of weird connection.
00:37:15
And then there was also a local case, although the kid was just schizophrenic, but at the time they thought it was demonic possession.
00:37:22
And he also, Father Bowen handled that one. I don't know if I have the timeline correct.
00:37:26
I think he did the local one first, then went out to the Midwest, and the Midwest was apparently the real deal,
00:37:31
or it was something really, really messed up. And then he came back, it was never the same,
00:37:35
and then eventually just kind of vanished. so there's a weird connection in my family to the case oh my god that the exorcist is based on what
00:37:44
to me i want to know everything about what you saw and experience the fact that i messed him up
00:37:50
is crazy it was their priest and because of the times it was way easier to just cover things up
00:37:57
and let them fall down a memory hole back then nowadays yeah it's weird i was i was saying you
00:38:02
because I'm back on the road again doing shows, and a lot of my friends are saying,
00:38:06
oh, is it weird out there? And I was like, no. You know, when you're back out on the road,
00:38:10
I'm paraphrasing Bobcat Goldthwait, you go back out on the road and you realize,
00:38:15
oh, Twitter and the internet isn't the world. There's the same amount of craziness.
00:38:19
There's just way more cameras filming everything. And there just weren't cameras.
00:38:25
There weren't as many cameras back then, so a lot of stuff just became weird. half legends or half information,
00:38:32
which makes it even more sinister and weird. Yeah. The fact that we don't have all that chronicled.
00:38:37
Yeah, it's almost like all the urban legends that we in like the 70s, 80s, up until the 90s,
00:38:44
we all just pass them around. And you know what I mean? Like I told Georgia about the nights
00:38:49
where you and Blaine would bring over the VHS copies that basically was beginning of YouTube of like,
00:38:56
here's the orchestra that falls through the stage. and here's the farting preacher, here's this.
00:39:01
And it was like, Blaine and Patton would bring us YouTube and we'd lay around in someone's living room
00:39:07
and watch these viral videos before any of that existed. But once the internet started,
00:39:13
like I can remember multiple times where like youngsters that we did comedy with,
00:39:18
I would tell some story and be like, that's an urban legend, that's not true. And they'd immediately just look it up and hold it up
00:39:23
where I'm like, you mean I have to retire my old story that I love to tell the children?
00:39:27
It's like, no, you're a liar. That was never really the truth. Well, back then, instead of making it an article in The Guardian,
00:39:35
they would make a fucking fictional movie about it and just like blow it out of proportion a little bit,
00:39:41
but also make it the raddest thing ever. Yeah, exactly. I mean, again, I'm sure the real deal was the kid was probably suffering
00:39:49
from some insane, like profound form of schizophrenia or mental illness. But the parents and whatever the medical establishment at the time
00:39:57
wasn't able to deal with it and it passed over into what felt like demonic possession or dark
00:40:02
powers yeah which i'm sure a lot of stuff does although now it feels like there's a big section
00:40:09
of the population that is like i do not i would rather not be a part of the 21st century i would
00:40:14
like to be in an era of dark powers where i can where i can blame things and categorize it rather
00:40:19
than have it all laid out like it's frightening to go into the future so some people just go nope
00:40:26
There's a weird conspiracy. As we're talking right now, there's people gathered in Dealey Plaza waiting for Robin Williams and Kobe Bryant to reappear with JFK Jr.
00:40:39
Because they believe that it's all been faked and we're living in a simulation. When actually, what they really just want is like a meetup.
00:40:47
They're just lonely. They're lonely and they want connection. And they want someone to go, I understand why you're afraid.
00:40:54
I am too. I can't remember my password. and I'm using an iPhone 4. Like that's really what we're dealing with.
00:41:01
But the media keeps going, no, no, no. You know, let's keep on filming these people grouped up.
00:41:06
And it's like, to me, it's such an expression of kind of like modern loneliness.
00:41:11
And once you fall behind, you feel like you are- Obsolete. Obsolete, yeah. You're a living ghost.
00:41:18
Like, do I even exist in this world right now? If I didn't do the latest update with my apps,
00:41:25
Do I exist? Am I part of it? Yeah, it is really weird. And also, this is going to sound a little dark and weird, but just follow me. Stay with me on this for a second.
00:41:34
I wonder how many of the famous serial killers and mass murderers in history would not have gone down the serial killer mass murder tunnel if they had had some social media.
00:41:49
Even if it was a poisonous form of connection I will bet you a lot of the people on these QAnon threads and these alt threads if they didn have those threads would be doing way worse stuff As it is now they just participating in a creepy LARP And it is creepy and it false but maybe the good in it
00:42:08
is that they're not feeling completely isolated and killing people. Is that a weird thing to say?
00:42:14
Well, no, camaraderie is a huge part of the social fabric. Right. And it's necessary, so that makes total sense.
00:42:23
Yeah, there's very little, like you can find common groups online no matter what your thing is.
00:42:34
So if it's like the Stephen King obsessives, we could have all found each other.
00:42:39
And then if it's the thing where I need you to theorize modern life down to this insane thing
00:42:45
and make me get fired up about it and try to fight what I think is one singular evil
00:42:51
as opposed to the entire scary, awful world where bad things happen constantly. Exactly.
00:42:57
Or stuff is just random and sometimes totally nice people have horrible things happen to them.
00:43:03
And we're seeing, again, because there's cameras everywhere, we are now seeing that a lot of blatantly evil people just absolutely don't get punished.
00:43:11
No. And never face the consequence. So it really makes, especially like action movies and superhero movies,
00:43:16
look like the prayers that they are. Or can't something come out of the sky with superpowers and punish the evil people and lift up the good people?
00:43:25
Because it ain't happening in our reality. I'm watching people openly breaking the law and nothing's happening to them.
00:43:31
And that's scary. I mean, a lot of the stories we tell on the podcast, there is no justice.
00:43:37
Or there are such huge gaps in people getting what they deserve in terms of punishment.
00:43:44
that it's just like, where do you find that in the world to make you not feel like everything is a fucking mess?
00:43:52
But I think, and we've talked about this before, I think the good part of that is that there is something to opening your eyes
00:44:00
to the fact that this is a real thing. So no longer do black people have to try to tell anybody else,
00:44:07
cops pull us over for no reason and threaten our lives. That used to be a, okay, easy, you know,
00:44:12
The rationalization of that kind of daily abuse of rights and justice is now inarguable.
00:44:22
Yeah. And it should have never been argued, but no longer does anyone get to say anything about it other than, holy shit, this has to change.
00:44:31
And it just started, that awareness. Yeah, we're just at the beginning of it. And so what we're seeing, I think, right now is the beginning of this massive truth that's being shown to everyone.
00:44:41
And just like human honors and climate deniers, sometimes that truth is so massive that it's easier and makes it a better go.
00:44:50
I think it's all fake. I just don't think it's I know people that I grew up with, unfortunately, that are on Facebook that are like, this is all this is all fake footage.
00:44:59
It's not real because it's too big to accept. It's so scary. Way too big. And same with climate change feels so massive.
00:45:08
but what you can control is, but I can control who goes into a bathroom. And maybe if I do that,
00:45:15
Jesus will fix the other thing. If I do this weird ritualistic thing, and by the way, I'm just as
00:45:21
guilty of it. If I have a massive writing deadline, never are my bookshelves more organized than when
00:45:26
I have pages to turn in. I had writing to do this morning. I don't know if you can see, but I
00:45:31
basically my daughter has this thing of like costumes back here. So I organized all this to
00:45:38
donate to a school and didn't write a single page of what I was supposed to write today. So there you
00:45:44
go. Did you bring the steamer over there and like this snow white dress has wrinkles in it? Let's
00:45:48
fix this up. No, I didn't do that. I probably could have done that. But no, I have a friend who
00:45:52
works with like, you know, public schools and stuff like that. We're just going to donate this.
00:45:56
She collects Halloween costumes and she makes stuff. And I'm like, you've outgrown everything.
00:46:01
Let's donate them. So there you go. Yeah. Well, that's an important thing too. I feel like that writing is important,
00:46:08
but you're doing something for the greater good here. Oh, dear God. I'm holding him.
00:46:13
You're accomplished. But that's the same thing. It's like, you can't do something big.
00:46:17
I'll do this little thing that I can control. Yeah. Can I just say one final thing?
00:46:22
Because you telling your story about Uncle Pete, and I believe this is, I know this from your book,
00:46:27
although it could be just from watching you do standup for fucking 40 years. no offense
00:46:33
wow a little hurtful but okay you told a beautiful story that your uncle Pete had a spot
00:46:43
that he used to sit at on the front porch and kind of just sat there silently and he was basically
00:46:48
a fixture in this spot and when your uncle Pete died people came and oh god it killed me
00:46:56
and you're like they came and put 7-Eleven cups of coffee or wawa a little Well, no, it was the 7-Eleven little cup of coffee that he had, and they put a little cup of coffee there because that's where he was.
00:47:06
Yep. Like, strangers that the family didn't know, but people who walked by who knew him as the guy that sat there.
00:47:14
There he is. Found out he died and gave him this little tribute and this honor. And it got me.
00:47:20
It's such a beautiful story of, like, that's the kind of thing. Those are the kind of connections that people have to remember.
00:47:25
And we don't get them now. We've all been locked up in our houses for so long. But like, that's the key right there.
00:47:32
I think. Yeah. This Halloween, someone put a flyer in our mailbox saying, we're going to attempt to
00:47:36
do trick-or-treating in the neighborhood. If you want to leave your lights on or put a decoration on so we know.
00:47:41
And I got so fired up, not because, and like, like three groups of trick-or-treaters came
00:47:47
by in that two hour window, but it was talking to the other parents. Where do you live?
00:47:52
Oh, you're like three. And it was good to see everyone. And it felt like, if anything, that's going to bring back sanity way more.
00:48:00
quicker than anything that moveon.org or the Lincoln Project will do online. It's just,
00:48:05
please knock on your neighbor's door. And I'm sure some of those neighbors were probably
00:48:08
Trump voters, but when it comes down to it, I just wanted my kids to go trick-or-treating.
00:48:12
It's fun. I'm like, yeah, this is great. And I put some decorations out and here we go.
00:48:17
Yeah, totally. I don't know. It's really nice. Yeah, especially in this fucking, in the past two years.
00:48:22
Oh my God, yeah. Do you guys live in good trick-or-treating neighborhoods or no?
00:48:27
I live on like, so when Vince and I sat, we do like, our neighbors know us now because we do garage beers.
00:48:33
We sit in our garage and drink beers and then they walk by and we make them talk to us.
00:48:38
And if they don't talk to us, we judge them. So everyone knows our dog now. We know everyone's dog.
00:48:43
So we did that and had a couple people walk by and I got more excited and probably than I should have and scared them.
00:48:50
Right. But yeah, I live on like a quiet street, but all I want is a block party.
00:48:55
Yes. I want to live in a block party neighborhood. To a block party for God's sake.
00:49:00
By the way, how— You're on a cul-de-sac, so no one comes around probably. Cul-de-sac and a hill.
00:49:05
The old combo where it's like, if someone came to my door, I'd be like, here, let me just write you a check for $100 because—
00:49:11
You made it. Son, you've earned it. Yes. Go buy yourself some arch support. You made it up here, man.
00:49:19
You're going to need some knee braces, some copper-based knee braces after this.
00:49:23
How excited and nostalgic did you guys get when the great, our modern version of the poison trick-or-treat candy popped up this year where everyone thought that people were going to hand out edibles?
00:49:37
With all my friends who do edibles were like, I would not buy edibles and give them to a bunch of snot-nosed kids.
00:49:44
What the hell are these people thinking? I mean, there was a genius tweet where someone's like, no one likes your shitty kid enough to give away 40.
00:49:53
pot gummy sour patch kids or whatever. It was so hilariously This thing that sucks also about always being on Twitter I remember the tweets and I do not remember unless it a friend of mine I don remember who wrote it And that one it was like you a shitty kid No one going to give your shitty
00:50:14
kid some free edibles. Don't worry about it. No one's interested. There was an actual true crime story. And I don't know if you guys covered this in the vaults of
00:50:23
My Favorite Murder, but a father did, I believe in the 80s, tried to poison his kid with candy and used the cover of,
00:50:31
oh, he was given poison Halloween candy, not realizing that even the police were like,
00:50:35
this is a myth, no one does this, and that's how they caught the guy. Yeah, pixie sticks.
00:50:38
He tried to- Georgia did that one, pixie sticks. Yeah, he tried to purloin letter it and hide it in plain sight and backfired.
00:50:45
And actually, my husband, Vince, who's from five years younger than me, so 70s, 80s, they had to, a couple years,
00:50:54
had to take their candy to the police station to get it x-rayed, or what is it, like metal detected.
00:51:00
Yeah. Because around this time, until everyone was like, this is not real. Yeah.
00:51:07
Literally, he tells that story every year. It's like, that's what it was like back then.
00:51:11
Paranoia. We had a genius story of going up, and it was like someone's older girl cousin
00:51:18
who was standing at the end of the walkway waiting for us as six and seven-year-olds walked up to trick-or-treat.
00:51:24
And this one house, it was the littlest old lady. And she was like, hello, oh, don't you look so cute?
00:51:29
And she was talking to us. And she gave each of us a powdered sugar-covered homemade cookie.
00:51:36
And so we walked back with it in our hands. We kind of didn't know what to do. And we walked up to the teenage girl of like,
00:51:44
she gave us this and she hit both of our hands and the cookies like the most apathetic teen
00:51:54
and suddenly she like slaps them out of our hands like you're not eating that oh my god I hope that didn't happen all night
00:52:00
and the next morning this old woman goes down to like get the milk cookies everywhere like the neighborhood hates me Oh God no That what I was thinking too She didn pre her cookie
00:52:12
She didn't think it through. She was very old. She was from the 1800s. She was a ghost.
00:52:19
She was a ghost. She was a ghost. We have kept you so much longer than we said we would.
00:52:25
I'm sorry. We went down the best rabbit holes on this one, man. I love this. Just wonderful.
00:52:31
I will update you guys as to where Alice is on her Stephen King reading, but she just started the talisman and then more stuff is on the way.
00:52:40
So, yeah. Love it. That's so exciting. Well, of course, everyone knows your Netflix special, Patton Oswalt, I Love Everything.
00:52:45
But you want to talk about real quick your upcoming tour? It's so exciting. Yes.
00:52:50
My upcoming tour, I am going to be on December 3rd. I'll be at the Uptown Theater in Kansas City.
00:52:59
and the following night, I'll be at the pageant in St. Louis. And then, after that,
00:53:06
the next weekend, I go out on a Friday, I come back on a Sunday, that's it. I cannot do the long
00:53:12
Bob Seger, you know, just the drain of an engine for weeks and weeks. I can't do that anymore. We get it, we get it.
00:53:18
The following weekend, I'll be at the Carnegie Music Hall in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. That dude built
00:53:24
halls everywhere, I guess. And then, of course, the fabulous Agora in Cleveland, Ohio.
00:53:29
Lovely. Nice. So go to Patton Oswalt.com for tickets. And then, of course, listen to the incredible
00:53:34
Did You Get My Text with Meredith and Patton podcast. Yes. Yeah. In 2022, baby, can you pod your cast?
00:53:45
It'll be the old Stephen King all the time. We have to have some creative meetings.
00:53:52
We have to get through some contract stuff. We have to pitch it to our own network and make sure that our-
00:53:57
Yeah, we can't get it by ourselves. Are you kidding? We have to pitch it to Stephen King himself.
00:54:02
We got to get the handwritten approval. This was a delight Thank you so much Thank you so much for having me on I love it Yay Amazing Bye Elvis do you want a cookie Ah
00:54:23
This has been an Exactly Right production. Our producer is Hannah Kyle Crichton.
00:54:28
Our associate producer is Alejandra Keck. Engineered and mixed by Andrew Eepen. Send us your hometowns at myfavoritemurder at gmail.com.
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For more information about the podcast, live shows, merch, or to join the fan cult, go to myfavoritemurder.com.
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