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00:01:49
And welcome to my favorite murder. The mini-soul. Video for the fan cult. Video version.
00:02:00
We blue dried our hair. You should see the shine on Georgia's bangs. She looks like a doll from the 50s.
00:02:07
Thank you. Your eyebrows look great. Oh, thank you. They were rushed. Little eyeliner.
00:02:13
Love it. Do a little wing. Just a quick wing. Gotta do it. You know, it does feel weird to put on this much makeup in the early day.
00:02:21
Yes. I love it because now I'll do something on a Sunday. yes right you know like now i'm like vince i have makeup on that means we have to go out
00:02:31
you know what i mean you have to take me somewhere nice if i have makeup but no i don't care where
00:02:36
we go i just have to leave the fucking house and put some pants on if i have makeup on for work
00:02:40
yeah yeah i mean because it is i have primer on oh i should go somewhere yeah you can't stay home
00:02:47
with primer on no look at you you got your cheekbones are kicking i mean we're just doing
00:02:53
it. We're doing it for the love of the email. That's right. So many good ones this week.
00:02:59
You want to go first? Sure. Okay. It starts, hi friends. My mother is a nosy fucking Nellie.
00:03:08
She's a pediatric ophthalmologist and then in parentheses, a kid's eye surgeon. Oh,
00:03:13
thank you. Thank you. So much to my brother, sister and my horror shopping trips were often
00:03:19
plagued with her confronting strangers about their wandering eyes and how it's just a quick
00:03:24
15-minute surgery. Oh, no. Mom, please. Yeah, yeah. She's life-changing and helps kids and all that.
00:03:32
So one Saturday, my mom was on her daily run with my two younger siblings in the stroller
00:03:37
and me on my rollerblades being pulled along by the stroller. Awesome. We lived in a suburban
00:03:43
neighborhood in Spokane, Washington, so generally pretty safe. We passed one house and my mom
00:03:49
suddenly turned us around because she had seen a lone toddler in the front yard. She asked me,
00:03:55
and then in parentheses in all caps, a five-year-old what she should do. Should she wait
00:04:02
here with eyes on the kid for their adult to return or just carry on with her run? Or should
00:04:07
she take the kid and find its home? No, no, don't kidnap the kid. That's a lot. Don't do that one.
00:04:13
Right? You would think. I told her the kid was fine. Yeah. She left us alone in the front yard to play many a time, and we didn't want to disrupt
00:04:21
the kid's good time. Well, she didn't listen to me, a five-year-old, and picked up the kid from his front yard,
00:04:28
and we carried on our way, stopping and knocking on each neighbor's door. She stopped at every house on both sides of the street.
00:04:36
Oh. asking if the neighbor knew who the kid belonged to. Again and again, she was told no, that the neighbors did not recognize the kid.
00:04:45
Eventually, we stopped at the last house, the one my mother picked the kid up from.
00:04:49
Oh, no, no, no, no. As we walked up their driveway, we noticed a group of adult men standing in the garage
00:04:55
who all turned to stare as my mom approached with the toddler. She asked the group, does this kid belong to any of you?
00:05:01
And one brave man stepped forward to claim the kid. I could tell he was super confused about what was happening.
00:05:07
He took the kid from my mom as she scolded him, saying, you really need to keep a better eye on your kids.
00:05:12
I could have been anyone who took your child. Go mom. I love it. I could have been a bad kidnapper, not a good kidnapper.
00:05:21
The men hesitantly thanked her and we carried on our way. I struggle with my mom now, but she's definitely a badass.
00:05:27
And I do have some of that in me, too. I love the show. It's gotten me through dark times and long drives.
00:05:33
Abby. Abby. Your mom is a nosy Nelly. I understand the struggle. Turns out the kid was where it belonged. And you're a kidnapper now.
00:05:47
You're, by way of example, you have committed a felony. Way to go, super ophthalmologist mom
00:05:54
that doing it all I think the lesson here is you got to listen to the five Please Please listen to your five Who smarter than a five You already made it five years You no longer a baby right
00:06:06
You're accessing a brand new part of your brain, but you don't have any adult bullshit
00:06:11
or even older kid bullshit, right? You're like primed to be smart. Definitely. But out, the five-year-old recommends.
00:06:20
Oh my God, for a second, I thought you had long dangly earrings on. Do you love my dangly ears?
00:06:26
Do you love my long? Clairs. All right. This is called Shabbat Shooter. Oh. Hello, murderinos, mammals, and mustache.
00:06:36
Here's an old family story. My mother hails from a long line of East Coast Jews who have consistently celebrated Shabbat every Friday night.
00:06:45
Her grandmother, my great-grandmother, was apparently quite the beauty and was all set to marry this guy from town.
00:06:51
Hoboken, New Jersey, to be exact. until she met my great-grandfather. The other guy did not receive confirmation of her transferred affections
00:07:00
until one Shabbat dinner when he asked my great-grandmother, are you going to marry me or not?
00:07:05
She told him no, at which point he promptly pulled out a gun and shot her. What?
00:07:12
Luckily, it hit her shoulder and went right through, though she was bedridden for a year.
00:07:18
Holy shit. My great-grandfather waited for her and helped her learn how to walk again, and they eventually married and had a family.
00:07:26
I don't know what happened to the shooter as my great-grandmother was apparently deeply ashamed and refused to talk about it.
00:07:32
Her daughter didn't even know until one of her friend's gossipy mothers told her about it.
00:07:37
Whoa. Oh, my God. Great-grandma might have felt extremely slut-shamed, but I think it attests to the resilience of the women in my family.
00:07:45
My grandmother and mother have plenty of their own stories, but those are not meant for this email.
00:07:49
advocating to end violence against women has become one of my passions and i'm grateful for
00:07:54
all the work you do to promote mental health and safe resources for women and non-women victims of
00:07:59
said violence stay sexy and maybe only bring wine to shabbat rebecca god that's i bet that grandma
00:08:07
was it's like also trauma like it's ptsd that she can't talk about it that's someone she's the
00:08:13
victim of a violent assault yeah it's crazy you think stuff like that only happens in like modern
00:08:18
times, but that's a great, great grandma story. Yes, yes. Well, I'm glad this Rebecca
00:08:24
is working towards... She's, you know what, she's using her legacy and doing good because of it.
00:08:32
Yeah, using her family trauma for good. Here's to Rebecca. Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom. Okay, the subject line of this
00:08:40
email is, did somebody ask about a sinkhole? Oh. Hi, Paul Holes friends. Hi. You want a sinkhole story? Here goes.
00:08:51
I live near the Lancaster, PA area. And besides quaint covered bridges and roads filled with horse-drawn buggies,
00:08:57
and then in parentheses, cute the first time you see one, but very annoying to get stuck behind in traffic.
00:09:02
We've also got a ton of shopping outlets. That's weird. That's what they're known for?
00:09:09
I guess so. I don't know why I think that's so funny. One of them had a massive sinkhole open up in the middle of their parking lot that initially swallowed six cars and continued to grow over the ensuing days and weeks, eventually consuming 150 parking spaces.
00:09:28
Oh, my God. That's a big one, Karen. That is a biggie. And that's a really perfect way to describe the size of a sinkhole by parking spaces.
00:09:38
Totally. Then you can immediately picture it in your head. I don't know what a football field size is.
00:09:43
I've never been on a football field. I've been drunk every time I've been near a football field.
00:09:48
So you're going to have to give me more accurate and relatable sizes than that. Right.
00:09:54
And a parking space is perfect. 150. It just keeps going. Yeah. Imagine. That's huge.
00:10:00
Okay. Then the sinkhole. Oh, shit. We're fucking around in this first paragraph.
00:10:07
We need to get to the second. Oh, my God. What is it? Then the sinkhole caught on fire.
00:10:11
What? No, it didn't. Someone's lying to make Karen happy. Seriously, on fire. It caused two million in damages, and plumes of black smoke were visible for miles around.
00:10:25
The cause of the blaze is still officially undetermined, but it is thought to be related to the construction to repair the sinkhole.
00:10:33
So, SSDGM, and now you know that sinkholes are flammable. And then they included three links so that we could watch the burning sinkhole.
00:10:43
in Lancaster, PA. Thank you. And there's no name. Dropped in, dropped out with fucking gold.
00:10:50
Awesome. That really badass move. Just like, don't worry about who I am. Yeah. Worry about the size of the sinkhole.
00:10:56
And that it's on fire. The depths of hell. That's why it's on fire. Went all the way to the depths of hell.
00:11:02
Yeah. And you accessed a portal to hell, obviously, at the outlet mall. Right. Where else would you?
00:11:07
And I mean, parking lots are hell anyways, especially at malls. So this is like,
00:11:11
obviously, it's intertwined. It's like either it was going to be in the parking lot
00:11:16
or it was going to be in that Nautica store that was in the mall. Either way, you're going to fucking hell, friends.
00:11:22
That's right. Stay away from malls. That's the moral of the story. That's right. Okay. Hometown rabies story.
00:11:28
I was attacked by a rabid beaver. Hello, everybody. You're all doing a great job.
00:11:36
A while ago, there was a request for rabies stories, so here you go. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You don't remember this? I don't remember this, but I'm sure we did it.
00:11:45
There was a request for rabies. There wasn't a request for rabies stories. You and I made the request.
00:11:51
It like we getting into bed and pulling up the blankets like what kind of story do you want Rabies In 2018 i went tubing down a creek in ithaca new york with a bunch of friends and my brother jake who was visiting
00:12:07
the water was low so it was pretty slow going and we were all spread out along the creek after a few
00:12:13
hours man i've never gone tubing and i feel like i'm missing out on life just drinking you're not
00:12:20
You're not. You're not. I'm not missing out? Well, as someone who... So I grew up near the Russian River, and that was the thing to do.
00:12:28
And it's fun for a little while, but if you get sunburned at all, it's a nightmare.
00:12:33
That's a great example of when the water's slow, you're literally just kind of sitting
00:12:37
around with your butt hanging. It feels super weird. Your butt is just hanging down.
00:12:42
You have to walk back to where you started, too. That sounds like a nightmare. Yeah, it depends.
00:12:48
or you just take your thing and then swim back. No, I'll be beachside, guys. I'll watch the coolers.
00:12:54
There's just, I don't know. It's like, that's for 18-year-olds. It's like college.
00:13:00
That's what tubing means to me. Okay, well, then I won't fucking do it. Or try it.
00:13:05
I don't want to. Try it and see. I'm good. All right. All right. Are we fighting?
00:13:12
I'm forcing you to go tubing. That's the end of it. Okay, spread out. We're getting close to the end and suddenly an animal the size of a dog starts attacking my tube.
00:13:23
I jump out of the water trying to figure out what's going on. And a beaver swims away with my instantly deflated tube towards some of our unsuspecting party downstream.
00:13:33
A minute later, I hear screaming from the direction of the beaver. When I round the bend, I see my brother in the water in his tube trying to get free from the beaver who was chomping on his leg with his giant beaver teeth.
00:13:47
Ew. He gets free and up onto the shore, but the beaver is still in the water, swimming circles
00:13:53
with a taste for blood. And we have more friends coming down the creek. Start screaming, everyone.
00:14:00
The beaver charges again for all of us on the beach. We have to defend ourselves with the only available weapon, rocks.
00:14:07
To sum things up, we made it out of the woods, got my brother to the hospital and got him
00:14:11
some much needed stitches. the beaver did test positive for rabies and my bro and i had to go through a very uncomfortable
00:14:18
series of rabies shots i guess she got bit too yeah great podcast and great podcast network
00:14:24
that's it shout out to my brother jake an nyc art teacher at clara barton who was much tougher than
00:14:32
i was about the shots even though they had to go directly into the bite area which for him meant
00:14:37
between the stitches. And I heard rabies shots are like fucking horrible, right?
00:14:42
They're horrible. And I think you have to get several rounds of them. Yeah, I think so too.
00:14:46
Like it goes on for a while. Yeah. Stay sexy and stay out of Six Mile Creek, Leah.
00:14:54
Okay, I want to, I wish I could see a picture of how big that beaver is. Because even if it was
00:14:58
little, that's really scary. Well, she said the size of a dog. So that could mean, I don't think she means a chihuahua or she
00:15:04
would have said Chihuahua. Like that must be like a fucking Frank size dog. If you are going to
00:15:10
compare something to a dog, you have to give the breed. Oh, that's true. And we need it to be
00:15:15
registered with the American Kennel Association. No mutts. No, we need parking lots.
00:15:23
Is the dog one quarter of a parking spot? Well, then now we know how big this beaver was.
00:15:30
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Hi, friends. Have I got a story for you? It has everything. So many of these emails start, it has everything.
00:19:02
It's my favorite. Preteen awkwardness, punching, hush puppies, and then in parentheses, the shoe, not the deep fried tree, and a brush with death.
00:19:11
All right. The year is 1991, and I'm a very shy seventh grader with huge glasses and a terrible haircut.
00:19:17
In my least favorite class history, I snap to attention when my teacher begins the day's lesson about famous American serial killers.
00:19:25
What? Today's lesson, children. A seventh grade history class about serial killers.
00:19:33
That teacher was bored. For real? It was like, you know what? It was probably right before Christmas or right in May, like right before summer break.
00:19:41
Yeah, fuck the American Revolution. Let's talk about serial killers. We've had it with all those old dudes.
00:19:46
Yeah. Let's get relevant. airport. A man in civilian clothing comes up, clocks his uniform, and asks if he's seen a
00:20:22
Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps go by, and my dad apologizes and said he hasn't been paying
00:20:27
attention. The guy then asks if he has anything against brass and shows my dad a military ID that
00:20:33
says he's a lieutenant commander in the Navy, and then asks if he wants to go get some drinks.
00:20:38
Dad says okay, because in those days a fellow sailor was akin to a brother. When he follows the guy past the airport bar and down the stairs, he starts getting a little confused, but thinks maybe there's another bar he didn't see.
00:20:51
When the guy walks outside, my dad asks where they're going, and he said, let's go to my place.
00:20:56
It's super close, and I have lots of booze. Nope, nope, nope. You're inside the airport already.
00:21:01
There's bars. It's the 70s, but still, it wasn't an in-out-all-the-time situation.
00:21:08
You still had to go through security and stuff. I don't think so. Did you? Didn't you?
00:21:11
Oh, maybe you didn't. You could just stroll right up to your gate. Yeah, probably.
00:21:16
Yeah, I guess that's true. Dad was not quite convinced. He then happens to look down and the man's shoes catch his eye.
00:21:23
He was wearing gray hush puppies with little gold chains across them, which my dad, for some reason, found to be a red flag.
00:21:30
Anyway, he's right. Anyway, the guy convinces him to get in the car and offers to call some playboy bunnies he knows to meet them at the house.
00:21:39
Oh, come on. well it says in parentheses the original playboy mansion was in chicago
00:21:44
he then asks if my dad is a swinger my poor sweet baby angel father has no idea what that means
00:21:52
please honey he knows we all honey and girl what that means so he hesitantly says yeah sure
00:22:01
oh no the guy responds with some real dirty talk the details of which i'll spare you
00:22:07
then proceeds to try to grope him while my dad keeps swiping his hand away and says politely,
00:22:13
no, thanks. I'm not into that. Why don't you take me back to the airport? The guy is insistent. No, you'll be fine. You'll have a great time. I'm going to call the girls.
00:22:22
I swear, if you don't have a good time, I'll give you 50 bucks. As they turn onto a busy downtown street with lots of traffic lights, my dad plants his escape.
00:22:31
He quietly looks to see if the passenger door is unlocked, notices that it is. And when they
00:22:36
finally get to a red light. He swings the door open, jumps out, leans back in and punches the
00:22:41
stunned guy in the side of the head, runs across a few lanes of traffic, almost getting hit by a
00:22:46
taxi. When the driver stops to yell at him, my dad jumps in and asks for a ride back to the airport.
00:22:52
He eventually makes it home, tells his then girlfriend, my mother, and some friends his
00:22:57
crazy story and eventually forgets about it. Cut to five years later. My parents are at my aunt
00:23:02
and uncle's house on a Friday night, eating pizza and watching the news on a New York City station,
00:23:07
as they do every Friday night. They had cable. It was a big deal at that time. And all the exciting
00:23:12
news came from the city. A news segment begins with a shot of a handcuffed man and my dad yells
00:23:18
at them to turn it up. That's the crazy guy from Chicago I told you about. Friends, that crazy guy
00:23:24
was none other than John Wayne Gacy. Whoa. Yep. The one that murdered at least 33 boys and young
00:23:31
men and buried most of them in the crawl space under his house, which was about three miles
00:23:37
from O'Hare Airport. Oh, my God. Right. You better believe that I raised my hand in history class for the first time ever and
00:23:44
told that whole tale to my class the next day. My sister also recalls telling it to her second grade teacher, who I'm sure was horrified.
00:23:55
That dad just told that story at the dinner table. He didn't hold back. my dad is a former firefighter, just like home gym, and has been teaching us lessons about safety
00:24:05
for my entire life. He's the reason I'm a murder, you know, who is always calm in an emergency
00:24:10
and knows better than to try to put out a grease fire with flour. Thank you. Let's underline that any chance we get. And let's be honest, probably also part of the reason I have
00:24:20
anxiety entirely. Yeah, absolutely. Stay sexy and don't be afraid to be judgy about a guy's shoes.
00:24:27
Kristen. Kristen painted a picture there for us. That's insane. He was going to be murdered by John Wayne
00:24:33
Gacy. If he had just a little bit more, like if he had more time on his layover,
00:24:41
if he was a little more like, yeah, let's party, who cares? It's the 70s. Any number of, you know,
00:24:47
I don't know. And the shoe thing is so good. It's like, it's true. There's indicators.
00:24:53
Yeah, and it's also like him promising, like, Playboy bunnies. No, no, no. You've got to get like that whole thing he did where he manipulated people.
00:25:01
And I'd be like, let's play this game with these these fucking handcuffs and see if you can get out of them.
00:25:05
Like he is. That is a fucking close call. Crazy. Yeah. Yeah. This is called Thank God My Mom Still Loves Me.
00:25:15
Hello, all. In the words of Sophia Petrillo, picture it. J.C. Penney, the women's casual wear department, 1993.
00:25:23
1993. Yes. Wasn't it just called Pennies then? They went through some brand changes before they closed entirely.
00:25:32
Oh, you're right. You're right. Aren't they gone? No, there's one in the Glendale Galleria.
00:25:37
Oh, shit. My full apologies to the JCPenney company and catalogs. Right. You better. Okay. 1993 JCPenney. Now picture hearing a child scream for most of the
00:25:50
story to hear, they're going to kill us. That child, pause for dramatic effect, was me.
00:25:58
Let's break it down. It was a Saturday and I had two options. Stay at home with my dad and older
00:26:03
sister while they fix things around the house or go to JCPenney with my mom. I chose the latter.
00:26:09
Choosing to go women clothing shopping one of the first signs I was transgender get my hands dirty as if the trip to JCPenney would have been no big deal if not for the movie selection the night before Friday nights were family movie night and my sister and I picked
00:26:26
the 1987 gem mannequin. Kim Cattrall, fucking great movie. We loved it. Unbelievable. Loved it.
00:26:36
It was a big topic of the day. Mannequins were a big part of our lives back then. That's right.
00:26:41
At first, I was super excited at the idea of mannequins coming to life to be my friend.
00:26:46
But then I connected it to living doll horror movies of the time, like Chucky from Child's Play, scared the ever-loving shit out of me at the time.
00:26:56
Chucky's one of the scariest things that humanity's ever created. That's right. And I soon found only terror in the idea of mannequins coming to life.
00:27:05
Fast forward 24 hours later and I'm standing with my mom as she looks through a rack of I have children now early 90s sweaters.
00:27:13
There was a group of three mannequins standing in a semicircle looking down at their bracelets.
00:27:19
However, in my six year old mind, they were looking straight at me. I began to silent whimper cry.
00:27:27
My mom noticed and got down to my level to ask me what was the matter. When I was a little kid, my freak out choice was the sudden freak out.
00:27:35
Imagine a hundred-year-old dormant volcano that erupts one day with no warning. So as soon as my mom asked me what was the matter, I immediately screamed, cried at the top of my lungs,
00:27:45
They're gonna kill us! In what seemed like a blur, my mom scooped me up and was power walking in her four-inch wedges out of the store
00:27:54
while I continued to scream, They're gonna kill us. Once we got out to the car, I don't remember much as I was in full hysterics.
00:28:03
now at age 34 when my mom and i go to a store together she always says now don't make me power walk you out of here
00:28:09
ssdgm and always remember mannequins are people too serena oh i love those moments where it's like just classic kid thinking yeah that adults like that's
00:28:27
actually a great mom because she was like i i have to get in front of this now and like you know make it as low impact as possible Right Because that is that kind of thing where it like it just takes one suggestion of a like yeah maybe maybe these are incredibly
00:28:43
dangerous. Maybe you should leave that toddler alone in its front yard. You know what I was
00:28:49
thinking is leave it alone to figure out what's dangerous in this world. Um, at the JC Penny in
00:28:56
Petaluma, there was a diner, a JCPenney cafe. Wow. That was basically like a small Denny's.
00:29:03
And there was also a hair salon where my great aunt, Anne, used to get her hair done.
00:29:07
Amazing. So you'd go shopping. She'd be getting her hair done. Yeah. Everybody would meet and eat grilled cheese sandwiches at the JCPenney cafe.
00:29:17
It's a whole day. You have a whole day there. You just give your whole life over to the JCPenney Corporation.
00:29:23
Why not? Is that it? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. That's it. Guys. Great job. We did it, everyone. You did it. We did it. We all did it.
00:29:32
We found a new unit of measurement. We learned about rabid beavers. We sure did. We sure did.
00:29:39
If you want to watch this on video and see what we look like when we said these words,
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go join the fan cult. It's a fun place to be. And it's the size of 100 million parking spaces.
00:29:50
It's so many parking spaces. And I have highlighter on. oh yeah you do look at those cheekbones karen i'm impressed sorry to brag but i'm just trying
00:30:02
to put it out there like you know this is how you sell yeah this is how you get people to sign up
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for stuff that they can't see that's right you do the tease you do it george's wallpaper it has to
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be seen to be believed sign up for the fan call and i have little sharks in my shirt do you see
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Oh, yeah. Tiny sharks. Tiny sharks. That's really cute. Where's that? Mod cloth?
00:30:28
Of course. Of course. Did you see that news story that sharks are amassing on the East Coast?
00:30:34
No. Good for them. They're coming ashore, everybody. Get ready. All right. We're done.
00:30:41
We're done. We're done. Thanks, everybody. Thanks. And stay sexy. And don't get murdered.
00:30:45
Goodbye. Elvis, do you want a cookie? This has been an Exactly Right production Our producer is Hannah Kyle Crichton Associate producer Alejandra Keck Engineer and mixer Stephen
00:31:00
Ray Morris. Researchers, Jay Elias and Haley Gray. Send us your hometowns and your fucking hoorays at myfavoritemurder at gmail.com.
00:31:08
And follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and Twitter at My Fave Murder.
00:31:14
And for more information about this podcast, our live shows, merch, or to join the fan cult, go to MyFavoriteMurder.com.
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Rate, review, and subscribe! carton can be traced back to the farm it came from so you can see the pasture where the hens live
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by visiting vitalfarms.com slash farm. Look for the black carton in the egg aisle and visit
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