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Hello, listeners. We are thrilled to introduce the network premiere episode of our newest
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Exactly Right podcast, Adulting with Michelle Buteau and Jordan Carlos. Michelle and Jordan are two New York City-based comedians and longtime friends who are ready to
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answer your questions about the most pressing adulting topics. Like dating, skincare routines, the essentials of parenting, saving money,
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how to make friends as an adult, and the nitty gritty of work life. Along the way, they invite friends and comedians to join the party in studio
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and live on stage to give you advice on your adulting journey. Live shows, live shows.
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The episode you're about to hear is a laugh out loud in-studio conversation with the great Irish comedian and author Maeve Higgins.
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So sit back, relax, and enjoy the network premiere episode of Adulting with Michelle Buteau and Jordan Carlos.
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And when you're done with that episode, you can head over to the Adulting feed and listen to their brand new episode featuring writer-performer Alok.
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That episode was recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn. All the fun of being at a live show without having to leave your home.
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Yay. Yay. New episodes drop on Wednesdays. Follow the show wherever you get your podcasts, please.
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Or you can listen early on Amazon Music or early in ad free by subscribing to Wondery Plus on the Wondery app.
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And now enjoy adulting with Michelle Buteau and Jordan Carlos. Yay. Goodbye. Goodbye.
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Oh, my God. Welcome. We are back. I know I love doing that to you. Sorry. It's too much.
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I am too much. But this is adulting. We finally crawled back. You guys, adulting is motherfucking back.
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Excuse me. You know who's got good taste? Exactly right media because they picked us up where we left off.
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And you're like, you, you. Okay. They looked at us like we were Courtney Cox with our real face at a Bruce Springsteen concert in the 80s.
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And we're like, yes, we're going to do what the DS is in the mom jeans. Let's go.
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I mean, I can't believe that I'm actually sharing this space with you. This is amazing.
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I know. I'm supposed to say that, too. I should have worn a better deodorant. I had no idea.
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Why do you keep saying that? I can't smell a damn thing. Good, good, good, good, good, good.
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You give off, as always, a sublime odoriferous emanation, Michelle Dutow. You sound like a serial killer.
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Someone get the knife. Listen, it's adulting, honey, and we're black. Welcome to Adulting.
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Michelle Buteau is with me. I am her co-from-go, Jordan Carlos. Just in case you need the refresher or you're new to the show,
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we are here to walk you through all things adulting. Work, play, family, dating, sex, hair, and everything in between.
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Oh my God, it's so fun. Done! Plus, we answer all of your pressing questions about adulting.
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And along the way, we're inviting comedians and friends of ours to help. And we are so excited to talk to our friend, Irish comedian, writer extraordinaire, Maeve Higgins, today!
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That's right, honey. But first, Jordan, let's chat it up and catch it up! I love this show.
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I love this show so much. It really is like the therapy that I don't want to pay for. You know what I mean?
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Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to pick, well, probably because the premiums are too high.
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Is that what it is? You know what? A good therapist is like a good black hairdresser.
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Like if they're good, they're booked. They don't have time for you. You know what I mean?
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That's true. I'm just saying. Who's going to do your hair then? Your friend, right?
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On the stoop. I don't know. You know, I feel like black hairdressers should be like essential workers.
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They are essential workers. They should have gotten vaccinated first. They should have gotten combat pay.
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Exactly. Right? What was I, like, banging these pots and pans for? Okay, some faux locs and sheen, honey.
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Yes. It's just not okay. Have you seen your person IRL? Yeah, I offered her an obscene amount of money, like, deep 2020 to, like, just help me look
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like a normal person because I don't know how to do hair. Did you ever cut your own hair?
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No, no, no. Really? No. Do you remember the first time you went to get a haircut?
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Yes, I do. It was in a black neighborhood, so that was scary. Wait, so you grew up in a white neighborhood?
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the Beverly Hills of Dallas. Let everyone know, okay? Let everyone know. Yeah. No, we were Beverly Hills of Dallas adjacent.
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We were like adjacent because if you were black, you couldn't live in that neighborhood.
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But it was like, we're like, we're a neighborhood over. Okay. So the Baldwin Hills.
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The Baldwin Hills. Yes. Okay, the Baldwin Hills of Dallas. I have cousins in Baldwin Hills.
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Of course you do. Anyway, the point is, yes, I remember my first haircut. I was, because we were going from half rows
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and afros to fades. Oh, okay. So it was like, my mom was like, we got to get you a fade.
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So we went to the barbershop. Your mom was like, we got to get you. Yes. Miss Hazel, the one and only set.
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We got to get you. Yes. So did your older brother have a fade? And you're like, that's what I want?
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No, she just decided at once that we needed, we both needed fades. She saw the wind, you know, in the wind, she was the, I remember seeing old photos of her
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with like leaping afros, like in 1970, like, you know? And she knew what to get.
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I mean, there were some misses. My mom did get a jerry curl. I had a jerry curl.
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My dad had a jerry curl and I had a jerry curl. And I had, I will never forget, I had a paper route.
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Because I wanted to be, I was still a tomboy. But my mom was, because my mom is mixed, she was bad at doing hair.
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Because she really never had to do her hair. And so, you know, my shit was kink-kink.
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And I wouldn't sit still. And she was, it was a lot for her to get through. And so I got a jerry curl to make it easier.
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I wanted to run my fingers through my hair. Sure. Like all the white girls I went to school with.
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Sure. I wanted to get like a big old scrunchie and just get like a ponytail on the side of my
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head and then like have my head hanging to the side and be like man he so heavy But I just had like the one ponytail that I could not mess up for the whole week Sure Do not sweat Don climb that tree unless you know how to get down
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Are you saving a cat? That's not your cat to save, bitch. Get the fuck down from that tree.
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So I would sleep like a vampire when I was like in the third grade and be like, zo,
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zo it. And, um, now that I'm doing Hazel's hair, my daughter's hair, like, you know,
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I have realized a good ass part is how a black mother or mixed mother shows her love, you know,
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for her child. It's like, yes, have them dress well and have manners, but if you can get
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that part straight, you love your children. That's a lot. And it's hard to get a part straight with her because
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she's like a cat. She doesn't want to have her hair done at all? No. She doesn't sit still? No. She is giving me
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Cree Summer all day. Long. Cree Summer. I had to also go to the Black neighborhood because we were in
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Hamilton Square, which is a suburb of Trenton. so we had to go into deep Trenton for me to get my hair done
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into deepest Trenton? it was very, it was almost like Joe Clark was like the wash boy
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Mr. Clark! Mr. Clark! Don't say it like that Mr. Clark! I don't know why Mr. Clark he told me that he loves me
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why is no one ever near Mr. Clark? they're always yelling his name down the hallway
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Mr. Clark! Joe was trying to run and get the doors unlocked yeah I know, I love that
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And then remember he was like, you want to kill yourself, Sam? Do it exponentially.
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Jump. You smoke crack, don't you? Don't you smoke crack? Trenton was the real deal, though.
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I mean, that was. That's where that movie takes place. Yes, Trenton High. Eastside High, I believe is what they call it.
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But yeah, that's where I would get my hair done. At Eastside High. Ma'am. Ma'am.
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But it's, you know, I want to take my kids to get their first haircut. Right now, husband's doing Otis's hair.
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Because it's the pandemic, where are we going to go? I got a guy. You got a guy?
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I got a guy. You always got a guy. I got a guy. I got a hair guy. I got a hair guy for like mixed kids.
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But you're in a different borough. No, but this guy's in Manhattan. Oh, okay. Yeah, his place is right.
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I mean, can we do a plug? His place is called Har. It's H-A-R-R. It's very cool.
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It's like queer friendly. It is people that are like, it's fantastic. I love a come on, come on.
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Yeah, it's come on, come on. I love a come on, come on. And it's an old timey barbershop.
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So it's like they would, he would absolutely love Otis in the chair. My guy, Ken, is fantastic.
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And he gets out the little wedge, you know, for little boys, put the wedge in. And Ken himself is mixed.
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Okay. So he's mixed black and Italian. So he knows that. Where do the mixed kids go?
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They go to Har. They got a horror. I love that. Yeah, yeah. Did he misspell hair?
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Or that's just really the name of it? I mean, it's vexing. It's a choice. But we do it.
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You know what I'm saying? Yes. If you can get over that small hurdle. Yeah. If you can clear that, H-A-A-R, then you are in for a treat.
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It is amazing. Like, Kais is going to be like, Michelle, I love it. I love this place.
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I can't wait to go back. That is not the Kais I know. Michelle, I love. I don't.
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My husband does not sound like a nerdy IKEA showroom employee in Sweden. So sorry he doesn't have, like, extra lingonberry sauce for that ass.
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What is wrong with you? This is not your audition for SNL, okay? You better take that shit to Pete Davidson.
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I'm sorry. I take it back. Let's not even get started. He's going to space. I heard that.
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I mean, Kim K's plus and space, where has the boy not been? Can't he do it? He's got a role for president at this point.
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Not of the United States, but something. I really was trying to talk about getting your first haircut,
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but this is way more entertaining. No, no. I want to hear, like, first of all, I want to hear about getting your first jerry curl, though.
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Oh, yeah. Like, the drip drip chemicals. The drip drip chemicals. All the pillowcases were ruined.
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Everything on the couch was ruined. I love that I couldn't even, like, put my hand through my hair
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because it was just, like, a mess. And if you all don't know what a jerry curl is,
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It's basically a relaxer for your hair to make it wavy. And then you, you, you had a poor chemical gel, very thick gel on it.
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Yes. The stuff that you would find in between like your home chef box, like in the packaging,
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like that is like the thick ooey, ooey, ooey you're putting on your head and the buildup
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on your scalp because essentially your follicles need to breathe. And so, you know, you have to keep them.
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That's why you have to like scratch your hair when you like wash it and stuff and keep shampoo
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on there for like five minutes before you, everyone wants to keep the conditioner on.
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I mean, you're going to keep the shampoo on. Okay. This is the shit you learn. Also, being in a hair chair has taught me so much about being in a relationship because
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Go on. you have to be patient. Right. You can't backseat drive and assume what someone's going to do.
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You have to wait to see what they've done, their finished product, appreciate what they
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have done, right? Like say something nice before constructive. Okay. And so that has helped me a lot sitting in a lot of hair chairs because back in the day,
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it was like magical chairs. Like you would get up and then go sit down and dry and then wait another hour
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because someone's cousin came in and then go back in and they go out for a smoke break.
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And it's just like, fuck, man, are you coming back to do my hair? Right, right, right, right, right.
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I mean, were you ever concerned about how flammable Jerry Girl Juice was? No, because I was like 14.
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Okay. So you'd seen Michael Jackson. Yes. You'd seen the Pepsi commercial. But he was rich.
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I was like, stuff like that happens to rich people. I did not know. I did not know.
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You weren't worried about it. But finding that right person to do your hair, you're absolutely right.
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It took me a long time. It's like finding a church home, as we say down south. It's like finding the right church.
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It finding the right person Yes It being able to trust them And it like for life Like my wife has seen the same hairdresser for almost 20 years now She talks about this hairdresser all the time
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Yeah, Christophe. Christophe and I have gone out. We've gone like, we've gone out on mandates.
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The bond is real. It goes deep. It's a special relationship because it's the person that makes you feel your best self.
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Absolutely. Like anyone that, those poor moms that have like eight feet of hair on the Today Show
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and they turn around in the mirror when they have like a bob and like a ruching,
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like a ruched cobalt dress. You're like, it's the best me I've ever seen. It's like you can't leave that person ever.
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And especially, you know, with black and mixed hair, your identity is everything.
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And people definitely judge you right the fuck away. Yeah. With your hair. I had a barber.
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I went to summer college in Virginia. They said when I got there, do not go to the barber
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after one o'clock he drinks. Oh, shit. I was like, whatever. And so I went, and then he fucked up my head.
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No! But a girl still kissed me that summer. Okay, because she felt sorry for you.
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Well, yeah. And then also... Did you have game? No. Okay. Maybe like... It was your game that you had no game?
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Yes. I mean, like, no, I... No. It was just a very... Are you okay? No. When you turn into a robot,
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I feel like I got an abort mission. No. Yeah, well, no, yeah, yeah, no, yes, no, no.
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I'm just being earnest and honest. I don't have game. I'm just like, I like you.
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And then it scares people. And then that's it. You know, I'm like, okay, fine. You know, that's it.
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But that summer, because it was like, I wasn't in my like same environment. I was in Virginia.
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You ever like go to camp, whatever. And now you're like a whole new person. Yeah.
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So that happened. Yeah. And like nobody knew anything about me. There was no internet.
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So I could be like the person that I kind of wanted to be. Yes. Had no history. And this girl was just like, no, I like this guy.
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bam I don't care fucked up haircut and everything oh and she yeah she made out with me
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and I was like I was like I made out with her I kissed her really rough and passionately
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oh no and then she's like oh my god it's too much too much I guess sometimes I kiss like Harrison Ford
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what who said that me why did you say that because Harrison Ford kisses hard in movies
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watch Harrison Ford kiss people in movies which movie are we talking regarding Henry
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are we regarding Henry the Ritz crackers Are we? We're talking about, we're talking about
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fucking Indiana Jones, one, two, three, the Temple of Doom, all that. Like, he kisses hard.
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Just look. Okay. He creates a suction. Hard, but like no tongue. No tongue, just a nice suction
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on the face. All right, Calista Flockhart, tell me all about it. Yeah, that's, he makes like an airlock
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and that's what I was doing and I was like, I was like, I'm sorry, I guess I kissed like Harrison Ford
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and she was like, oh, this is almost over. I love that you got your kissing technique
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from Harrison Ford and not porn because you know these kids are fast and furious with no Vin Diesel.
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I don't know. I was about to say something about getting your hair cut, but never mind.
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I want to know about like, was your mom present the first time you had your hair cut?
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Did she say like, do this to her, do that to her? She's an anxious person. So she wanted it to look good and flat and straight and manageable.
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And I love, what I loved about Lauryn Hill and the Fugees was that they were cool.
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They were woke before we knew what woke was. They're from New Jersey. They're from Jersey by way of Caribbean ancestry.
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And they just love the way they look no matter what. And I was like, God, how do I achieve that?
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I want to be a part of that. You know what I mean? Yeah. A lot of confidence. Yeah.
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There's so much in hair, especially if you have a parent that has different hair texture than you,
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especially realizing that, you know, as a mixed or black woman, your hair on your head
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is at least two to four different textures. I didn't even know that shit until like five years
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ago. I just thought it was a problem area. You have many textures. It's beautiful.
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Thank you. No, no, it's beautiful. I love your hair. Oh, thank you. Oh, we got some
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pieces on right now because we just did Radio City Music Hall. So this is the Chaka Khan hair.
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This is the Chaka Khan hair. And that's another thing I learned too. Being on TV sets,
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they will ruin your hair, even if they're black hairdressers and you try to speak up for what you want.
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We're just not meant to do our hair all the time. So, you know, I always encourage people to get pieces or
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wigs because you got to protect the shit that you have. Oh, for sure. I mean, but that was the first time I ever learned to speak
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up for myself was in a barber's chair because they'd be like, what do you want to do? And you're like,
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I'd like a two, you know, and it's like I'd like an edge up close to the skin please. Nice. You know, and then give me like
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one of these, you know, like a line here just because it's 1997. And, you know, like make me
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look like Nas. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Because you want to rule the world. Yeah, I mean, I free all my
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sons. I love them too, baby. Yeah, I mean, I think we can't license this song. We can't. We cannot. We cannot.
00:17:05
But when you guys had bad haircut because that dude was drunk after 1 p.m., did you say anything to him? Or
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do you just like walk away and be like, thank you? I skulked out of there. And it was not cool.
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It was like a small Virginia town. It was like something out of a Wild West movie.
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And they were just like, God damn, that barber done fucked up your head, boy. It's like, oh, shit, man.
00:17:25
Oh, no. But then my friend was like, you know the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut, right?
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Oh. I was like, what? He's like, five days. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That's basically it.
00:17:34
Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'm not mad at that. And she's still made out with me. Am I right, folks?
00:17:39
Absolutely. You are such an 80s movie because it always comes down to the girl. It always comes down to the girl.
00:17:46
You know what's really funny is, and then I'll tell you the honey hush. She was like, why don't we go back up to your room?
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And I was like well I don think that the wisest decision right now So I went back to my room I don understand what you saying She wanted to have you know
00:18:05
she wanted to celebrate my body. She wanted to sit on your dick and you said no?
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I didn't, I wasn't ready for that much pressure. Oh my God. You know, I didn't, I, no,
00:18:15
I wanted to go to sleep with myself. Good for you. And just have a great story. This is just, everything about you says
00:18:22
I carried a watermelon. and I'm so here for it. Should we move on? I mean, we've got to move on to our guest, right?
00:18:46
Yeah. Oh my God, we're very lucky to have this guest as well. So lucky. Yeah. I mean, I missed her.
00:18:50
I missed her. She's in the room right now. Hello. I know, but they don't know that.
00:18:54
I'm always with you. We have to give the proper intro. I know, we got to give her an intro because she deserves.
00:19:02
She's a writer extraordinaire. She's a comedian. A comedian. Super hilarious. A wit.
00:19:06
Thank you. Dare I say a public intellectual? Yeah, that's right. You dare. She co-hosts Butter Boy.
00:19:13
Yes, she does. I'm still waiting for the Butter Boy to come out on stage. Yeah. Where's the Butter Boy?
00:19:20
Yeah. No butter, no boy. He comes sliding out one day. We all get the shock of our lives.
00:19:25
She's written multiple books recently. She's so smart. Her most recent is Tell Everyone on This Train, I Love Them.
00:19:32
Okay, I will. Which came out in February of this year. And do you want me to just read a blurb about the book?
00:19:36
I know, Jordan. Here we go. Do it in the Obama act, please. Deeply funny, moving, and urgent writing about a country that can feel broken into pieces.
00:19:46
Oh, my God. And the light that shines through the cracks. from Irish comedian Maeve Higgins, author of Maeve in America.
00:19:52
My president! Everybody, please welcome Maeve Higgins. Thank you. Oh my goodness.
00:19:59
Both of you. Thrilled to be here and to see both of you. So many questions. You were in Ireland for a little bit, no?
00:20:05
Yes, actually. Yeah, in 2020. Yeah. I was in Texas on a like reporting trip and I got so scared because I was down there
00:20:15
at like a reporting on like a border security event. Oh, how was that? It was like a government.
00:20:22
It was the Department of Homeland Security and I was writing about it. And they were all acting so casual
00:20:27
as the pandemic was spreading. Like, do you remember that month when it was like,
00:20:31
is it, will we, won't we? And then suddenly the Irish government cancelled St. Patrick's Day,
00:20:38
which has never happened in the history of the world. And that to me was like a big,
00:20:42
like a big shamrock in the sky saying like, come home. Meanwhile, the US government who I was like writing about down at the board,
00:20:51
they were like clapping each other on the shoulders and sharing bagels at this conference.
00:20:55
And I said, I need to get out of this country. So I was one of those little rats that abandoned
00:21:01
the ship. So you're from Cork, right? Yes. So I went back home to where I'm from, Cove in Ireland.
00:21:10
and that is where the first immigrant through the gates of Ellis Island she also left
00:21:15
from my hometown wow yeah the first she was like 17 and her there's a statue of her
00:21:21
over on Ellis Island now and that woman today is Maeve Higgins she hosts a comedy show
00:21:30
in Kiwanis for some reason looks like we made it I love it that's so cool I didn't know that
00:21:36
yeah I mean it's not it's not like there's not like many boasts I can say about my hometown
00:21:41
they're all very sad. Like it was the last place Titanic stopped. Really? That's my hometown.
00:21:47
Leo stopped there? Leo was there. Yeah. Before he was kicked off that little door,
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the floating door. And Kate Winslet said, I'll stay up here. Was there nothing else
00:21:59
floating in the water that could have helped? There was plenty of room for him too.
00:22:02
But he couldn't leave Rose. God, that must have been incredible sex. She could have just
00:22:06
yanked him up onto the door. I know. But we didn't, you know, this was like, this was, this was like Kate Winslet's like, her time to be.
00:22:15
Yeah. But you know those couples at restaurants that have to sit on the same side of the booth and hold hands?
00:22:20
That was them. The French? It was still so new. Yeah, yeah. I feel you. You know what I mean?
00:22:23
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, so you think it was like, it was like kind of like feminist of her to not let him.
00:22:30
I'm not saying that. She's a bad feminist. LOL. Let's ask Roxane Gay. so this is just a very weird general question living in new york and from ireland what is the
00:22:45
biggest rumor about the irish people that everybody has wrong oh i think that we're like
00:22:51
smiley and friendly because people don't understand that like we're so dark and judgmental
00:22:58
but i think because we come off as so like you know top of the morning to you but really we're
00:23:03
deeply unhappy, you know, and kind of like mean. Right. Unhappy and mean? Yeah, I think so.
00:23:10
I've read James Joyce. I get it. Yeah, there you go. He was very unhappy, but he liked farts.
00:23:16
He was way into farts during sex. Yeah. He did. I mean, what an intellect. I think Matt Damon said it best in that movie.
00:23:25
Oh my God, Martin Scorsese. Was that movie? The Departed? Yeah, Departed, where he told Vermiglia,
00:23:33
Oh, Via Vermilia. Yeah, he was like, look, I'm Irish-American. Like, if you're miserable, I'm miserable, I stay.
00:23:40
I don't go anywhere. Yeah. He's like, if you're unhappy, you really actually have to physically leave because I, yeah.
00:23:46
That's so funny. I will stay in it. Freud was stumped by the Irish and he found them inscrutable.
00:23:50
That is true. Sigmund Freud was like, I fucking can't. This is a true thing. He found them inscrutable.
00:23:56
I mean, maybe that was just our accent. Maybe we were like, oh, you have a good idea.
00:24:00
daddy issues or whatever. And he was like, what? But you've lived such an interesting,
00:24:05
interesting background. You lived in Zimbabwe? Yeah, when I was a child. As a child.
00:24:10
And then you have like, don't you have seven siblings? Yes, I do. And you guys look alike.
00:24:16
It's real cute. Oh, we do. Yeah, we all look very alike. But I mean, so do your kids.
00:24:20
I mean, I don't think that's like it. I'm the only child. So I'm just like, isn't that fun?
00:24:25
Oh, but my parents also look alike. So. I think people turn into each other at the end
00:24:33
because my parents are both light-skinned. And from the back, I can't tell mom or dad.
00:24:38
It's just light-skinned and flat ass. And I'm like, ma, dad, whoever. And they both just turn around
00:24:45
and you still don't know who they're who. I still don't know. Yeah, I think, yeah, definitely mine are becoming more alike
00:24:52
as they get older too. Yeah, it's just probably from spending so much time together.
00:24:56
Yeah. I mean, maybe you and Jordan are going to start looking alike because you're like work, husband and wife.
00:25:00
I mean, we could probably pass for brother and sister or cousins. I'd love to be your cousin.
00:25:05
Oh, God. He's so happy with the idea. Yeah, and it's exactly, do you see, that's family, right?
00:25:11
It's just like I could think of nothing worse than that. No, ma'am. I'd make you the beneficiary of so many things I own.
00:25:17
Okay, so Zimbabwe. Like my DVR player. We're living in Zimbabwe. Was it Habitat for Humanity?
00:25:22
We love Zimbabwe. We love it. Except for the dictator. I know, I know. That part.
00:25:27
Yeah, we lived in Zimbabwe. And I mean, Robert Mugabe is still... Is Robert Mugabe still alive?
00:25:33
Is he still alive? I don't know. I think he's dead now, but his wife is in charge.
00:25:36
Oh. I thought Rick James was alive like five years ago, so you can't ask me that.
00:25:41
Robert Mugabe, that's going to be the name of this episode. Is Robert Mugabe alive?
00:25:45
These are another pressing questions. How is Mugabe doing? That's Mugabe! He had a golden toilet, I believe.
00:25:53
I mean, I was there in like 1992, and he was alive then. And like my brother, who was just a year older than me, he was, you know, like nine or 10 or something.
00:26:04
He, I guess, was at a school event and shook Mugabe's hand. And then like, so we would always tease my brother, like your friends with a dictator.
00:26:13
Your best friends with Robert Mugabe. Like, you know, how can you live with yourself?
00:26:17
But it was because he had to, like, it was like a school thing. And also we didn't know, like we were like little children.
00:26:23
We were just like, that's the president. how do you find time to write oh well because you're an epic writer i write well honestly
00:26:33
michelle i write just when i have to so if i have a deadline or something yeah but i definitely find
00:26:39
it hard to sit down and focus and i always read about like how do other writers do it
00:26:44
and like roald dahl used to tie himself to his chair and he did this is like he was writing
00:26:50
Whoa, the children's author? The children's author. Yeah, he had a shed. I don't worry.
00:26:55
I don't. He wrote The Witches and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and he wanted the chair.
00:27:00
I want to see how this ends. Yeah, go ahead, please. Yeah, I want to see how this ends.
00:27:03
Go on. There's nothing more untoward than that, I promise. Like he just would, he would just tie himself
00:27:10
to the chair in the morning and like make himself sit there, not allowed to go to the restroom,
00:27:16
not allowed to like take a drink. So airplane mode. Discipline. Yeah, exactly. Airplane mode in, yeah, in like 1950 or whenever he was writing.
00:27:25
And so I do think it is something to that, like about making space for yourself.
00:27:31
But tons of parents that I know find it really hard because it just seems like there's so much pulling on our attention.
00:27:38
So you have to kind of fight for that time. But deadlines help. And, you know, if you're not going to get paid until you hand it in,
00:27:45
you know, practical stuff like that, I think really helps. Now tell me something, because I read a bit of your book.
00:27:50
Thank you I'm You almost drowned In South Africa Your mom helped you And then you also
00:27:57
Feel And I want to get to this You feel responsible For your Your little sister Oh
00:28:03
Well when you're from A big family Which you're not right Big American family It's three
00:28:08
Three kids Michelle one Yeah I'm from a big family Which is why they decided To have one
00:28:15
So I would know Who my parents are Isn't this so nice Welcome to the Caribbean and yet you still can't tell them apart
00:28:22
when they're standing going a way from you. Yeah, I mean, I think that when you grow up
00:28:28
as the older one in a big family, so there's actually eight of us and I'm number three,
00:28:34
then you just kind of are actually responsible for the younger one. It's not really even a feeling.
00:28:40
And like in Ireland, there's a thing called Mammy Ella, which is like Mammy being mom
00:28:45
and Ella meaning other. And like the older girls in the family are called the Mamie Ellis.
00:28:50
So it's like the other mothers. And like, you know, obviously I talk through this
00:28:54
with my therapist every week. But like at the time, it's very normal. Actually, I think it's kind of fine anyway.
00:29:00
You know, it's just like you have to look out for these smaller people. Yeah. You just have to.
00:29:06
Because like two grownups are often is one grownup. Yeah. Looking after this whole clutch of children.
00:29:12
You know, you have to help with their reading, changing their nappies, doing their food,
00:29:17
like everything. Because it's too much. Their nappies? Or their diapers. Oh, yeah.
00:29:21
I love that. Their nappies? I love that. And then, oh, please go ahead. What was it like when you decided to leave and come here and pursue stand-up and a writing career?
00:29:31
Well, the funny thing is the older three, like, left and we scattered around the world.
00:29:35
I think maybe it's because we were so tight at home. Yeah, totally. Because it was like, yeah, my sister immediately, she's lived all over the world and worked all over the world.
00:29:46
my brother the same like Mongolia around Africa and now he's in the Middle East.
00:29:51
And then I didn't do anything as adventurous. I just went to London and then I came here because that where the stand is right Yeah of course of course The stand that I keep trying to break into that I keep hearing about Please Thank God we gave well
00:30:06
Maeve Higgins, stop. But I, you know, I think the other lucky thing for me is it's so close, right?
00:30:12
Because like Ireland's only, it's less than a six hour flight away. What's dating in Ireland like?
00:30:17
I'm guessing like a lot of good butter and then going to a nice pub with a snob.
00:30:22
Yeah, that's it. What kind of butter do you like? I like every kind of butter but so do I
00:30:26
I love it oh my god we'll get married oh my god come on that's it let's put the ho and hoes
00:30:34
on everybody let's go let's do it take me to church I love Irish butter I'm sorry
00:30:41
I just love Irish butter no I do too I mean yeah I think you do have to be careful
00:30:45
that you don't end up with somebody that you're related to all the usual like it's a small island
00:30:50
you have to take the precautions I think people probably settle down much younger than they do here in New York at least. I'm very specifically
00:30:59
talking about New York really because I guess outside of New York people do settle down,
00:31:04
you know, a bit younger. Yeah. Yeah. So. Just be careful. You're not cousins. That happens
00:31:10
a lot in my mom's home state of Mississippi. Oh yeah. First you have to check if you're
00:31:14
cousins. And how does she and your dad meet? I'm so curious. Oh, you want to know about
00:31:20
my dad. Maeve, don't even start. Maeve has been I'm asking about your parents. Maeve Higgins
00:31:28
has been torturing me for almost two years now about my father. My father is a good looking man. You posted
00:31:38
a picture of your father and it broke the internet. It was like that time. Did it? Do you ever
00:31:44
meet him in person? I've met him on Zoom. I don't think I've met him on person. My dad? In person.
00:31:50
My dad has great looks. He's a good looking man. He's so handsome. He dresses what,
00:31:53
and he's, you know, so I just, you know, I went through your Instagram, found more,
00:31:59
you know, what you do when you have a little silly crush and it's the middle of a plague.
00:32:03
Yeah. And I fell in, fell in love. I didn't think we would broach this topic today.
00:32:10
And Jordan feels so, you know, he's so immature about it. He feels so awkward about it
00:32:16
because it would be, it would mean, I guess, me being his stepmother. No, that's the...
00:32:19
And he can't just wake up to modern. Please don't say this. Things like this happen all the time, Jordan.
00:32:25
I think this is great content. Let's turn this into a Netflix show. Please don't say this, okay?
00:32:29
Maeve is always being like, it's your stepmother texting you. How are you? This morning, I'm just like.
00:32:35
Yeah, because I care about you because you're my son. She's very good at crude comedic Photoshop.
00:32:41
And so she'll just make photos of her and my dad together. Wait, is it real? And then send them to me, yes.
00:32:48
I guess his parents, like, did they renew their vows or something? Yeah, they renewed their vows.
00:32:55
So I put my face, like, on his mom's body and sent him. I took a lot of time, actually, Jordan,
00:33:04
because I wanted him to get used to the idea of seeing us together. It was just a lot for me.
00:33:11
And it doesn't, you know, the face and body don't match exactly, but I still think it looks, you know.
00:33:16
You did the work. The damage had been done. And then I find out his father is a doctor.
00:33:21
And I'm not the first one to have this crush either. Why did we wait so long into this episode to figure out that you were his stepmom?
00:33:32
Like, now I feel bamboozled. Look at this. This text begins. Like, what was Thanksgiving dinner like?
00:33:37
How come I didn't know? That's the first thing we should have said out the gate.
00:33:41
Because Jordan makes it awkward. All the grownups are fine about it. Let me see this picture, Jordan.
00:33:45
No, I don't have the picture. I don't have it I don't know I don't know what happened to it
00:33:49
I'm sure she kind of like put some kind of disappearing ink on it and it's gone now
00:33:54
but like disappearing ink this is what it says on the 26th when she sent me her lovely book
00:33:58
it said hi son I hope you're safe and cozy that's how she begins because I'm trying to reestablish
00:34:07
because it's awkward because we've been friends for so many years and then suddenly I'm
00:34:10
you know fucking his dad you're not if you could just make sure. Did your dad get the vaccine yet?
00:34:20
Just wondering. Oh. Thursday, April 1st. My God. I think this is a good time to get to questions
00:34:32
from the audience. We got some questions from the audience that we would love you
00:34:36
to help us answer. Okay, wonderful. Is it rude to decline being a groomsman? Yeah.
00:34:43
I mean, bridesmaids, I guess that you do get in trouble if you say no. But maybe men are a bit better at that.
00:34:53
Okay about it? I think what, I think... You found it difficult when your father and I were getting married.
00:35:02
He did feel conflicted, but he did it though. No, no. Because it would have been rude had you said no.
00:35:07
Oh God, it's nice to know that my dad is desired beyond my mother. But I will say to answer the question, that question is about, it's not about being a groomsman at the wedding itself.
00:35:22
It's about bachelor parties and the ridiculous debauchery that happens at bachelor parties and how people get turned inside out and you become somebody that you don't want to be by the end of the weekend.
00:35:31
I remember my one friend's bachelor party in Montreal. Basically what happened was by the end of the weekend, I did not know my friend.
00:35:39
we were at a rest stop, strip club, right at the outskirts of like Quebec and, you know,
00:35:50
the Quebec border because he wanted one more go. Oh God You know he needed one more go What in the sideways is going on I don know It was because And what was your You were the groomsman so you had to sit by him
00:36:06
Yeah. And like hand him dollars and stuff? Loyalty, you know? Yeah. Loyalty. Because in Montreal,
00:36:13
one is allowed to touch the strippers. Where were? So that was that. And by the end,
00:36:20
I was just like, dude, I don't even fucking... Yeah, it's gross. Yeah. I mean, I feel like you really see
00:36:24
people's true colors at a bachelor or bachelorette party and a buffet. Yuck. Just yuck.
00:36:31
You're a greedy bitch. You don't need stewed beef and cottage cheese. Oh my God.
00:36:36
Get your life together. I thought I fucking knew you. Unfollow. Stewn beef and cottage cheese.
00:36:40
I will say, as someone who had to pick bridesmaids and godparents, you pick those people for a
00:36:51
reason. Yeah. Everybody adds something in your life. You know that you have friends for different reasons.
00:36:55
One can make a very serious moment light and funny. Another one is like a good time.
00:37:02
Another one might know you longer and better than everybody else. So I feel like it should be just a conversation about responsibility.
00:37:09
We shouldn't just get like a book, you know, saying this is what groomsmen do and this is what you should pay for and stuff.
00:37:16
It should be a conversation. It's about comfort. It is. Yeah. Have you ever been a bridesmaid at one of your siblings' weddings?
00:37:22
No, actually. Because that's so many people. And they're all married. Never a bridesmaid.
00:37:33
Oh, no. That is your rom-com. Never a bridesmaid. You're dying to be a bridesmaid.
00:37:39
27 stresses. Oh, my God. 27 stresses. Oh, my God. I'm like shook now sitting here.
00:37:49
Welcome to adulting. Maybe they like small weddings. Maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe they want to give you,
00:37:54
they knew that you were their mama, Ella, Ella, Ella, AA, and they were like, no more responsibility.
00:38:00
I have six sisters. What about the youngest? That's a sister, right? The youngest?
00:38:04
Yeah, actually, Aggie's not married yet. She might throw me a pity dress. Aggie's my aunt's name.
00:38:10
Mm-hmm. No! Don't you fucking say it! Don't you fucking say it! She's my sister!
00:38:17
Don't you fucking say it! Watch out. These pants are getting tight. Okay, here's the next question.
00:38:25
How much money... I'm just going to stare off in the middle distance. No one's making eye contact.
00:38:29
It's a very weird podcast right now. How much money should you save to move out on your own in NYC?
00:38:37
Oh, goodness. I mean, my friend texted me that it's $2.2 million to retire in NYC.
00:38:44
Yeah, that's about right. Is it? That feels like a year. I think that is right. Yeah, I don't know what age.
00:38:52
actually you retire at. So that's a good point. You say $2.2 million to retire? Mm-hmm.
00:38:56
Okay. But this is just moving out onto your own. Oh my goodness. We can scale that down
00:39:00
to just getting your own apartment. Are you tired? Do they really want a number?
00:39:05
Because I would say $20,000. Yeah. I'd say that. That's a good number. Yeah. That's a good number to start.
00:39:10
Yeah. I think it really depends what neighborhood and what floor you're on. And are you by a local train
00:39:17
or an express train? Yeah. How far do you want to walk from the subway? What neighborhood do you work in?
00:39:22
all of these things you have to take into consideration where your friends live.
00:39:25
Where your friends live. Yeah. You know, you need a bodega and like a coffee shop
00:39:30
and whatever you might need. But I think... Cheapest apartments are usually on the second floor.
00:39:36
Nobody wants to live on the second floor. Why not? Because the noise travels up.
00:39:40
And then also, let's say like a first floor might have access to the backyard. Yeah.
00:39:45
Top floor also has access to the backyard. But the second floor just like... I lived on the second floor before.
00:39:51
Yeah. And the rats can still get up there. Oh, no. That was my main thing. I'm like, yeah, it was in Midtown.
00:39:57
And my roommate had an all-white cat named Cocaine. And Cocaine tore that rat up.
00:40:02
Wow. Oh, that's awful. I did just write about rats in the city. And yeah, I won't terrify you.
00:40:09
But there's a comedy writer, Carl Arnheiner, who lives in Long Island and had one come up his toilet and show me the video.
00:40:16
Oh, no. Oh, what is it? I think we have a kind of a love-hate relationship with the rats in the city because-
00:40:22
Yeah. What's the love? The pizza rat. They can be comical sometimes. Yeah, and they're kind of like a symbol,
00:40:27
you know, like survivors. Like we feel like rats kind of. No, not me. Cocaine sitting there.
00:40:33
I'm a gazelle with titties. Get out of here. Is there one king rat holding up the city?
00:40:38
Like ratless? He just holds up the city itself? Ratless? Yeah. On his shoulders?
00:40:44
Oh my God, your stepmom loves that joke. Yeah. I'm trying to encourage him. Next question.
00:40:53
The next question is, this is a weird question, but also a very specific one. And we love specificity here.
00:40:59
When should your boyfriend give up on his rap career? What season? What time of year?
00:41:07
That's hard. You know, I have a friend who has been doing comedy for over 20 years.
00:41:12
Wow. They're not very funny. Right. I'm right here They've Stop You stop it They've even
00:41:20
Gone through a divorce Because Their partner Couldn't deal with They said living the lie
00:41:26
And the other one Said supporting Oh Living the lie Living the lie Which one did the
00:41:31
Comedian say Supporting Supporting I'm just kidding Oh Sorry I'm not your step mom
00:41:38
I can't pick up On when you're being sarcastic I know I know all his moods And tones
00:41:44
You do He's just like his father. Shut up! Oh my God, I need my therapist. You just have to support,
00:41:53
if you're in love with someone who has something that bigger than a hobby how do you spread spread your legs for that Oh And they asking so they obviously think that person should give it up
00:42:06
Because they're saying, when should he give it up? Yes. So there's no question of like,
00:42:09
when should your boyfriend give up on his rap career? Oh. When he's your husband.
00:42:16
Put the ring on. Put the mic down. That's such an ultimate. Like, what do you mean?
00:42:22
The old tomato? The old tomato. I feel like it's never going to happen. And, you know, that's okay.
00:42:29
And maybe there's a thing that I was just listening to this podcast about quitting.
00:42:35
And when it's a good time to quit. And they say you should assess everything. Maybe to tell the person, have that person, have your mate and have yourself assess everything in your life,
00:42:46
except your relationships, every six months, you know. and if you should quit a passion or a job or something like that.
00:42:55
Right. Because you never can tell. If you're rapping, like, something could pop off.
00:42:59
Like, you know, some people have hung in. Yeah, like Dave. Yeah, the show Dave. Yeah, absolutely.
00:43:03
You can hang in there and you never know what happens. Like, that guy Nims out in Coney Island,
00:43:07
he's the one who came up with, like, bing bong, fuck your life. Like, that guy. That's my boyfriend, actually.
00:43:13
That's your boyfriend? When I heard those two words, bing bong, I had to have him.
00:43:17
no but it's like but the other thing is career is the problem there for me because it's like
00:43:22
if someone wants to rap or be creative in any way I'm just so there for it and they need to do that
00:43:27
and we all need to express ourselves but if the person is like I'm going to make money
00:43:32
from this that's when it changes and it's like if it's stopping them from supporting themselves
00:43:38
or supporting their family that's the problem also I feel like when people have this desire
00:43:44
this passion to do something in their life they don't and they want to make money at it
00:43:47
They don't realize that they also are leaving themselves open for all types of criticism.
00:43:53
Yeah. And, you know, I don't think people realize that's a part of it, too. Like you write all the time about shit that people don't want to talk about.
00:44:02
Yeah. That needs to be talked about. Wait, rats and toilets? Well, I mean, racism at all.
00:44:08
I know. I know. And the comment section is not fucking fun. No. Especially for an opinionated smart woman.
00:44:16
right and it's like how do you now I'm just asking off topic like how do you deal with that
00:44:23
yeah I mean I think in the at the beginning it's it kind of was a motivator for me so
00:44:29
I'll prove them wrong but but it really does wear you down especially when like you know I feel like
00:44:35
I know what I'm talking about like I just got a master's degree like you know stuff like I try and
00:44:40
be as thorough and, you know, good at the job as I can be. And people are still just like,
00:44:47
no. So it does get exhausting. I don't really know a good way of dealing with it, except having your
00:44:55
peers and your friends and, you know, just staying bolstered in other ways. Yeah. Yeah. But you're
00:45:02
very right, though. If you make a career out of something you love, you kind of lose the innocence
00:45:08
of it because people come at you for doing that thing. Also, he might not be popular
00:45:14
here. You know, I have an in-law. You know, it would be your in-law too. That's right. Tell them.
00:45:22
And I love when you talk about our family. Go ahead. Such a good boy. Who's very popular
00:45:28
in England and in Europe. Yeah, yeah. He's a sensational musician, just not popular in America. Ars Barker
00:45:36
is a great comedian. Huge in Australia. Huge in Australia. I dated a guy who had no money, not
00:45:43
even a MetroCard, and he wanted to start his own magazine. I'm like, you can't even go across town.
00:45:49
And went to Croatia and became like the Kanye West of Croatia. Exactly. Really? Yes. And I'm like, good for you. Also,
00:45:56
fuck you. Okay. A few more questions. Let's do one more question. Since your mother-in-law was nice
00:46:02
enough to come all the way down here. Yeah. Thanks, Mom. this is a good question
00:46:07
this is a good question okay when you go grocery shopping do you shop for the entire week
00:46:13
a day or plan to go out and get food regardless she's from Europe she does it just for the day
00:46:18
I know they do it for the day the little bread sticking out of the bag on your bike
00:46:24
oh my god just like like Emily you know I'm making a plum cake and I need one fillet
00:46:32
but I'd love to be Is it adulting to get a weekly shop? Isn't it? I mean, it's whatever you find,
00:46:40
whatever's adult for you. I think if I was the organized dream grown up, I would definitely do a weekly shop.
00:46:49
And then, you know, if I was like out at a show or something and everyone's like,
00:46:53
now we're going to get some terrible food. I'd be like, I have my, you know, quiche at home or something.
00:47:01
That's my dream to achieve. Yeah, it's my favorite. I mean, yeah. I always love cooking.
00:47:07
What about you? Do you shop weekly? What do you do? I do it all. So I get really inspired by recipes and what's in season and like trying to figure out what
00:47:18
to use in the fridge, what is at the end. Like my favorite now is like going through all the protein that we have at the bottom
00:47:25
of the freezer and making a paella. I'm like, what am I going to do with these two scallops and these five shrimp and this
00:47:30
half a chicken breast? Oh, perfect. So that's always been my go-to. but you know, I love shopping for a big family.
00:47:37
I feel like I've always wanted to. So cute, yeah. So yeah, I shop for the week but then I also like pop out and get stuff during the day.
00:47:44
I shop for the strong. When I shop... What? Mom loves my homonyms. Mom loves my homonyms.
00:47:53
We said it so much we have to leave this bit in. Momonyms. My momonyms. Can we ask...
00:48:00
I'm the one who, well, I do most of the shopping. I do the shopping and I like it.
00:48:08
I love the rewards program and everything like that. They give you the 10% after you've gone there a long time.
00:48:12
I love my local shop. It's like, it's union, unionized to the people that work there are really happy.
00:48:19
And it's, it's, it's really nice. And like, you know, when you get like the, you get the organic stuff, I get my goji berries,
00:48:26
It makes you feel like you're taking care of yourself. Yeah. And with my kids, my kids never say, they never open the refrigerator and they're like, we're out of edamame.
00:48:37
I'm like, it's right there, kid. You know what I'm saying? It's like they never lack for anything.
00:48:43
Yeah. So that's what I. Oh, that's lovely. That's my favorite feeling too. Yeah.
00:48:46
I hate to say we don't have it anymore. You know what I mean? Yeah. We ran out. Unless it's like the night before.
00:48:51
if it's like Saturday and you need milk, you know or whatever it is like you can go a day without orange juice You be all right You know what I saying See that what I mean That what both of you that is adulting big time Oh yeah Having that such a great sign that you that you don run out of stuff
00:49:07
Yeah. Adulting is definitely a weird mix of being thoughtful and taking care of people, but also
00:49:13
really fucking taking care of yourself. Yes. Yeah. Because, because like you can't do all that other stuff if you are like falling down and
00:49:21
like have a, I don't know, like just like a handful of mac and cheese in your room.
00:49:26
There are moments like that. Are you describing me in 2021? There are moments like that.
00:49:29
All of 2021? Oh my goodness. Yeah. Well, this was lovely. Do you want to promote anything?
00:49:35
Just my book. You know, I'm finding it hard to just have to date people so that they buy my book.
00:49:40
So I think it would be easier to do a podcast and say my book. Yes, the book, Tell Everyone on This Train I Love Them, which has beautiful cover art.
00:49:48
Thank you. Beautiful jacket art. I love it so much. Oh my gosh. I was lucky this artist called
00:49:53
Ilya Milstein did this beautiful drawing like an animated cover so I was delighted with that gorgeous yeah and thanks for having me And I so thrilled this podcast is back I missed it Oh Yeah So did we Yeah Definitely And I just so proud of you
00:50:07
You know, me and your father, we just started. Jesus Christ. We're happy with how you're trying.
00:50:12
You're a lovely friend here, Michelle. You kids are just killing it. You're killing it.
00:50:17
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So happy. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I know you're worried, but.
00:50:21
Yeah, no. More like, maybe hit me upside my head. That was hilarious. That's what I'm saying.
00:50:28
Okay. Well, I'm going to take a walk around the block before. We'll pick you up.
00:50:34
Here's $5. Oh, my God. I can't beat your eyes right now. Maeve Higgins. Well, excuse me.
00:50:48
This was a very nice time. I'm so glad I got a babysitter, a.k.a. my husband. And I love doing adulting with you, Jordan.
00:50:55
I love doing that And I love answering these questions Honestly if you guys have any questions that you like us to answer we would love to hear them You can email us at adultingquestions at gmail
00:51:08
That's adultingquestions at gmail.com. For the people in the back. Adultingquestions at gmail.com.
00:51:17
Well, I got to go home and take this bra off, and the edit will start to kick in.
00:51:20
Thank you so much. I'm going to go. Are you going to stay? You're going to come with me.
00:51:23
I'm going to go watch Gilded Age. Bye, everyone. to adultingquestions at gmail.com.