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and became sought after by patients. He promised to heal them. Instead, he left a trail of broken bodies.
00:00:51
This is a story of greed, betrayal, and a fight for justice. Listen to Dr. Death the Cowboy wherever you get your podcasts
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00:01:36
Hello and welcome to My Favorite Murder, the mini-sode. We read you your stories.
00:01:49
Do you love it or what? Tell us in the comments. I don't know. Are there comments?
00:01:53
Sound off in the comments below. Yeah, the comments are turned off. Always. Want me to go first this time?
00:02:00
Yeah. Okay. This is called Bathroom Ghost Lady. Hello, my fellow weirdos. I am a teacher in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan,
00:02:10
which means that summer breaks are filled with pushing my toddler stroller through a beautiful wooded trail and listening to your relaxing murder podcast.
00:02:19
Then it says, don't worry, I play it quietly out loud so that I can't be caught off guard by a forest murderer.
00:02:25
Good, thank you. So your toddler is going to be great. Also a bear. Don't forget.
00:02:30
Right. Those happen too. AKA forest murderers. I don't have any murder stories, but I do have a ghost story.
00:02:36
Growing up, I lived in the middle of nowhere, about 30 minutes from quote town, which I love that like even town was town.
00:02:43
When I was about five, I started experiencing really intense night terrors. However, my parents were convinced
00:02:49
that these were self-induced in order to steal some attention away from my baby sister.
00:02:54
Cool. My room was at the front of the house. my parents was at the back and between them was a dark hall to the bathroom.
00:03:01
Many times I would run from my room to my parents and look down this hallway. Standing in the doorframe,
00:03:07
I would see a pale woman with a face that looked like she was in pain. Wait, in the doorway of the bathroom, she means.
00:03:14
I would usually let out a scream and run right into my parents' bed. This probably happened a dozen times
00:03:20
until we moved out of that house. No big deal. Kids, quote, see ghosts all of the time.
00:03:25
But when I was 12, if my dad was fixing our bathroom when I overheard, well, at least nobody died in this tub.
00:03:33
Cue me yelling, excuse me? My dad proceeded to tell me that the owner of our previous house
00:03:38
slipped in the tub, hit her head and died there. Oh. Nobody found her for weeks because middle of nowhere, remember?
00:03:47
I yelled at my dad for just dismissing my sightings of quote bathroom ghost lady
00:03:51
and he just shrugged his shoulders and went back to fixing the tub. I don't have time for your shit
00:03:57
no worries I'm decently well adjusted now this year has been mentally physically
00:04:02
and emotionally exhausting especially as a teacher thank you ladies for giving me
00:04:06
some of the deepest belly laughs during this time and for making it seem like maybe we're not all alone
00:04:11
in this what the fuck world right now I'm now raising my own daughter to fuck politeness
00:04:15
and take care of her mental health stay sexy and maybe believe your kid when they tell you
00:04:20
about the bathroom ghost lady Audra what a well, I was going to say nightmare, but what a like horrible situation
00:04:28
where there's the perfect reason not to believe her is because she's getting, it is what's happening.
00:04:36
She's the older child that wants attention. But then there's also another thing happening.
00:04:41
Why weren't her parents freaking out silently? Like they knew that someone had died in the bathroom.
00:04:47
Their daughter kept seeing a ghost of a lady who died in the bathroom. And they were like, go back to bed.
00:04:51
You're being dramatic. It's like, I would have been like, yeah, she sees the, you know, they knew she saw the ghost of the lady who died in the tub.
00:04:59
I wonder if though, if she wasn't specifying what she was seeing, like if she couldn't verbalize what her eyes were happening.
00:05:06
So she was just crying and they were like, enough with the crying. There's a ghost.
00:05:10
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. They're like, oh, no, no, no. It's a hallway ghost.
00:05:15
Right. Don't worry. No one died in the hallway. It has nothing to do with the bathroom.
00:05:18
Nobody died in the hallway. Yeah. I mean, Audra, God, get over it. We're in the clear.
00:05:23
I'm not going to read you the subject line. It gives it away. Okay. It starts, hey, hi, hello.
00:05:29
I've been listening since like November 2021. I got a late start. Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm finally pretty close to caught up.
00:05:37
You guys are literally my best friends now. I stopped hanging out with my real friends
00:05:41
so I can just stay home and listen to you talk in my ear. Thank you. Good. Oh my God.
00:05:48
Welcome. Good. Your friends were toxic. Yeah. Yeah they were totally gaslighting you and shadow banning you Okay now you here with our cult Anyway listening to Minnesota 227 about the Coke treasure in the vintage policeman coat pocket
00:06:06
made me think about a time long, long ago in which I did drugs supposedly found on the street.
00:06:11
Here we go, friends and listeners. A sketchy dude I was seeing and his buddy invited me over to hang out with them
00:06:17
one random Tuesday night because they had some nose candy. I was in my party stage of life and all about it.
00:06:23
So the night begins and then goes on and on and on. And then there's three dots.
00:06:29
And then it goes and on and on some more into the wee morning hours. Oh, my God.
00:06:35
I've had those nights. I want to barf. Scrabble is always fun. I want to barf. Yeah.
00:06:40
Telling and retelling the same story over is pretty fun, too, while you smoke. I go to hit a line at some point late, and it burns a lot more than usual.
00:06:49
I said, shit, that burns a lot. they replied to my horror with, oh yeah, that's meth.
00:06:56
This story, if anyone's listening who's under 18, hang up right now, hang up your phone.
00:07:02
Oh yeah, should we put a drug advisory warning at the top of this? Maybe. For all people, there's gonna be
00:07:09
very casual mentions of drugs. Yeah, and we are anti-drugs, we are grown up now, but.
00:07:17
I mean, anti-drugs feel strong, But we are definitely anti-meth. We, this show has been anti-meth since day one.
00:07:25
I think so. Meth, nose candy of any kind is just not, just don't do that. Just, you're asking for problems.
00:07:31
You really are. You're going to go broke. You're going to say things you regret.
00:07:34
You're going to spend time with people you don't actually enjoy spending time with.
00:07:38
Huge mistakes, huge decisions you'd normally say hell no to. You're going to fucking enthusiastically jump into.
00:07:44
And then just be careful that you don't then decide that's who you are because you're not.
00:07:50
Right, because then you do so much stuff that you can't turn back. There's a movie with Mila Kunis
00:07:55
called Four Good Days and Glenn Close about Mila Kunis playing this like kind of,
00:08:01
you know, lifelong drug addict. And she plays it so well that I had to turn it off
00:08:05
because it was like, it's just so troubling. Oh. And it's just like, this is how you get into the spiral
00:08:11
and become this person you don't like. So you do drugs because you can't deal with yourself anymore.
00:08:17
Yep. Yeah, it's, yeah. It all feeds itself. It's a snake eating its own tail. Mila Kunis, highly undersung, underrated,
00:08:26
or whatever you're supposed to say, actress. She did a comedy with Kate McKinnon
00:08:31
where they basically fall into a spy thing. I'm sure I recommended it on the show.
00:08:36
It's one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. Okay, I'm watching it. They're both so funny.
00:08:40
Yeah. But Mila Kunis is like supermodel gorgeous and then truly a talented, compelling actress.
00:08:47
Yeah, she's good. She's great. Don't stop talking about how she said she doesn't take showers or baths.
00:08:54
Just worry about that so much. Who cares? Why did that become a thing in the middle of COVID
00:09:00
where it's like, they don't bathe, where it's like, I don't give a single shit. The world is literally falling apart.
00:09:07
Could we stop doing this, please? No one cares. So sorry. Anyhow, what I'm trying to tell you is,
00:09:17
Okay, okay, okay. They saw someone. Okay, so this is, oh yeah, it's meth apparently.
00:09:21
Apparently, they saw someone toss it out the window of a car earlier in the day during a police chase
00:09:28
and picked it up and took it home. That's kind of smart. Yep. Like, at least it's not just like finding it on the street,
00:09:36
finding it on the street. It's like, it was good. It's so good that they had to throw it out
00:09:40
or they'd get arrested for it. And it's like, that's how you know. But fuck. You can trust that.
00:09:44
You can trust that Yelp review right there. Oh my God. Okay, go on. So when we ran out of the usual stuff,
00:09:51
they cut that into lines instead. So they were kind of blending it in when they were running out of their normal cook.
00:09:58
Sure. And then it just says, I am so lucky I didn't die. Yep. That's, you're completely, completely right.
00:10:09
Not just on this occasion, but many other times. I bet. And laughingly continued to party throughout the night.
00:10:15
Needless to say, I regretted it for days afterwards and never spoke to that guy again
00:10:19
once I came down from my high. I'll end this as succinctly as possible by saying I got my shit together shortly after that
00:10:26
and I am now an upstanding murderino citizen, but I do love to tell the story of that one time I accidentally did meth.
00:10:33
Love you guys! Two exclamation points, no name. Wow, that's fucked up. Let's rethink drugs, everyone.
00:10:41
Well, let's discuss the downside Because I think it's like, if you're writing, if you're telling a story and it's like, that's delightful, except for at one point you were just like, I'm so glad I didn't die.
00:10:51
Let's have the fewest amount of stories in your life where they get summed up by you saying, I'm so glad I didn't die.
00:10:57
Let's just not do it to ourselves. While the world watches the stars at the FIFA World Cup this summer, Hyundai has its eyes on the next generation of talent.
00:11:07
The future soccer stars who are already turning heads at age 14. Making plays that end up on everyone's feed, scoring from angles that don't make sense, rewriting record books that barely had time to gather dust.
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Because Next doesn't wait for an invitation, and Hyundai doesn't either. Hyundai has always moved the future within reach.
00:11:23
Hyundai did it by making advanced safety standard on every vehicle. Hyundai did it by engineering EVs with ultra-fast charging capability.
00:11:31
And Hyundai continues doing it every day. From robotics that change how people live to young athletes changing the game, the future isn't some far-off concept.
00:11:39
It's already here. Next starts now. Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA. Goodbye.
00:11:45
Pandora Jewelry brings the sparkle to summer, now with even better prices. Shop now for up to 50% off select jewelry featuring personalized pieces to must-have summer favorites.
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00:12:05
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00:12:59
This one's called Blockbuster Blockhead. Okay. And then it starts. I don't think you're going
00:13:04
to like this. Hi fellow Paul Holes Crusherinos. Nope. You're so right. However, the story's good.
00:13:12
So here we go. In 1990, I was a 20 year old college student working at a well-known video
00:13:16
store, probably Blockbuster. The hectic evening was slowing down with a few customers browsing
00:13:22
the stacks. I was one of the only workers working the registers when I heard the familiar door chime
00:13:27
of someone coming into the store. I said hello to the blonde haired man in a dirty blue jean jacket
00:13:32
as he came in and smiled at me and said hello. He came to the counter and I asked if I could help
00:13:38
him find something. He abruptly pulled a gun in my face telling me he was robbing me and wanted me
00:13:43
to put all the money on the counter. No. He was shaking at this moment and I did not want to spook this guy in any way.
00:13:52
I stood stunned for a moment and gathered my thoughts and then opened the register
00:13:55
while a few customers around us stood in silence with wide eyes watching what was happening.
00:14:01
I opened the register and clicked open all the bill holders and started to put the money on the counter.
00:14:07
Suddenly a woman came up to the counter and bellowed, hey miss, do you have a fish called Wanda?
00:14:13
I looked over at her, immediately irritated and said, I will help you when I am done with this kind man.
00:14:20
Good Lord. She huffed off with her husband saying how rude I was to her. I was so shocked at this woman's lack of observation
00:14:29
that I momentarily forgot what was happening to me and I just reacted in my normal way.
00:14:34
I turned back to the robber and said, some fucking people, am I right? Then she said, but I guess her movie choice was fitting
00:14:43
with a fish called Wanda being about a robbery. She said that to the robber. She did.
00:14:48
She said it to him. I shook my head, tut-tutted, and then asked, okay, there are the bills.
00:14:53
Would you also like the rolled coins? At this point, he put the gun back in his jacket,
00:14:58
laughed, and shook his head at my comment about the woman and said he did not want the rolled coins
00:15:03
and for me to have a nice night. He left, and the shocked customers and I huddled together,
00:15:08
making sure we were all okay. I remember them telling the woman and the man what was going on when she came to the counter
00:15:13
as I called the police. Moments later, I was telling the story to the police officers.
00:15:19
Two years later, I had to go on the stand and give testimony at the robber's trial.
00:15:23
Apparently, he was addicted to heroin and needed the money. I felt bad for this man and his addictions,
00:15:28
but to this day, the fact that this woman was so wrapped up in her own life that she was oblivious to what was going on around her
00:15:34
remains the most amazing part of the story to me. That's right. All caps. Ugh, people.
00:15:40
These days, I tell this story when people complain about their kids on their phones
00:15:45
and not noticing things around them I like to tell this story as a way to point out
00:15:49
that people have always been oblivious LOL Any hootily doodily Why did you make me say that?
00:15:57
Stay sexy and notice when people are getting robbed Lori No, it's any hootily doodle
00:16:04
Oh, Lori, why did you make me do that? Lori You are Lori's puppet just saying the words she put on the paper.
00:16:12
Why am blushing? Oh, man. God, that's an amazing story. Also, it isn't that always the way
00:16:22
of some obnoxious person with an agenda and absolutely no spatial awareness is just like, hey, like skipping to the top.
00:16:32
I want a thing and I need it now. Hey, this is my blockbuster. Okay, let's see. This is a real, sorry, you know what?
00:16:40
We have to put a drug warning at the top of the show because the subject line of this email
00:16:44
is pot brownie incident of 2017. It just gets worse. Hi, MFM friends. You recently asked, oh, we did this.
00:16:51
You recently asked for some drug-related stories. Well, you know what? We were probably on drugs when he asked for them.
00:17:00
Guys, we're so sorry about all of these people writing in with their drug stories.
00:17:06
We don't know what they're doing. Gross. Like, we are good girls. We don't do drugs.
00:17:10
Not at all. You recently asked for some drug-related stories. Boy, do I have one for you.
00:17:16
Okay. I was a sophomore in high school, and of course my friends and I thought we were hot shit.
00:17:20
So we bought some pot brownies for a chain smokers concert. And then in parentheses, it just says, I know.
00:17:27
From our friend's 26-year-old older brother who happened to grow pot in his backyard.
00:17:32
Oh, older brothers. Which should have been our first red flag, but we were 16. Three of my friends and I entered into our high school cardboard boat race,
00:17:41
where we had a month to build a boat out of giant sheets of cardboard and then sail them in our snake-infested duck pond.
00:17:49
Oh, God. Uh-huh. Which looked more like a drainage swamp. Thinking about it. This story has everything This story needs drugs Yeah Thinking it would be fun to paint our cardboard boat a little high
00:18:06
we each ate half a brownie. Oh, no. What's the next part of the story? And got too high and went insane?
00:18:13
But you're skipping one crucial element, which is an hour later, none of us felt anything,
00:18:18
so we ate a little more. Every time. Every time. Nothing's happening, Claude. Nothing's happening.
00:18:25
This isn't strong enough. You've heard this story a million times. And then people go on to tell you the most heart-wrenching,
00:18:33
like, I was so scared. I was trapped in my own bathroom. I was trapped. I was trapped in fucking California's Adventure Disney.
00:18:41
And I was trapped in the motherfucking Muppets 3D movie theater. The Muppets were screaming at me.
00:18:51
Don't eat pot. Don't eat pot. It's terrifying. Okay. One time I had to spoon Vince.
00:18:58
I came home from work and Vince was like in bed being like, I'm freaking out. And I had to like spoon him and tell him everything was going to be okay
00:19:04
because he just ate too much fucking pot. Yes. It is such a fine line that ruins it.
00:19:11
You go from this could have been like a fun, lazy hang in the park. We watched Spinal Tap.
00:19:17
It was great. Full breakdown. Like you're melting down. Your world is ending. Yeah.
00:19:23
It's ridiculous. And then when you, if you like, the idea is like, we're going to eat a little pot brownie
00:19:29
and go to a theme park. Oh, yeah. Then everything turns into nightmare town. An hour later, none of us felt anything.
00:19:36
So we ate a little more. Mistake. Within minutes, we were all so stoned that we couldn't speak to each other,
00:19:42
let alone act normal enough to be on our high school campus painting this stupid cardboard boat.
00:19:47
One of us went and fell asleep on the floor of the bathroom, which led our guidance counselor finding her
00:19:52
and asking if she had an eating disorder to which she answered, no, I'm just stoned.
00:19:57
Oh. See, I didn't know they were at school. I thought they were like in a garage doing this.
00:20:03
Well, that's what you would assume. That would make the most sense. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God.
00:20:08
No, they took that shit to school and ate it at school. Oh, no. To which she answered,
00:20:13
no, I'm just stoned while the other three of us sat in various patches of grass and tried to look like we weren't floating in space.
00:20:20
My homeroom teacher, who was like my second mom, found me sitting alone contemplating my life
00:20:25
and asked if I wanted a panini. Aw. Always. What stone person doesn't want a panini?
00:20:33
Every stone person wants a panini. What a beautiful gesture of understanding and comfort.
00:20:38
Oh, did she know she was high though? I thought she was just coming up to her and be like,
00:20:41
hey, do you want a panini? Right? Some kind of like, almost like a Grateful Dead concert magic of like,
00:20:46
hey, I know what you want and I've got it right here on a platter. This is what she says next.
00:20:51
I think she knew what was going on. And now that I look back on it, I hope she got a good laugh out of my stoned misery.
00:20:57
But I don't think she was laughing at you. I think she's probably a dyed-in-the-wool stoner herself.
00:21:02
And she was like, she's high, and she's going to need some carbs to round this out
00:21:07
so it's not so painful. She's in carbs. That's what we need. Bring it down. I ended up going to the University of Colorado Boulder,
00:21:14
where eating pot brownies and contemplating life has become quite the norm. So I would say this experience shaped me in some way, good or bad.
00:21:22
Anyway, stay sexy and never buy pop brownies from your friend's deadbeat older brother.
00:21:29
Oh, deadbeat older brothers are never any good. No, they don't have your best outcome in mind.
00:21:37
We've all dated deadbeat older brothers and you don't realize that's what they are until after.
00:21:41
They're never good. Then you're like, oh, I recognize you from the Taco Bell parking lot.
00:21:46
You're a deadbeat. While the world watches the stars at the FIFA World Cup this summer,
00:21:54
Hyundai has its eyes on the next generation of talent. The future soccer stars who are already turning heads at age 14.
00:22:00
Making plays that end up on everyone's feed, scoring from angles that don't make sense,
00:22:04
rewriting record books that barely had time to gather dust. Because Next doesn't wait for an invitation, and Hyundai doesn't either.
00:22:10
Hyundai has always moved the future within reach. Hyundai did it by making advanced safety standard on every vehicle.
00:22:16
Hyundai did it by engineering EVs with ultra-fast charging capability. And Hyundai continues doing it every day.
00:22:23
From robotics that change how people live to young athletes changing the game, the future isn't some far-off concept. It's already here.
00:22:30
Next starts now. Hyundai, an official partner of FIFA. Goodbye. Pandora Jewelry brings the sparkle to summer, now with even better prices.
00:22:38
Shop now for up to 50% off select jewelry featuring personalized pieces to must-have summer favorites.
00:22:44
Timeless jewelry made to move with you through every moment. Shop in-store or online now through July 5th.
00:22:50
Terms and conditions apply. See pandora.net for more details. Goodbye. Summer clothes should feel easy and still look polished.
00:22:58
Low maintenance, high reward. That's how we live our lives. For summer clothes you will actually wear, there's Quince.
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Quince has beautiful everyday pieces like 100% European linen pants, dresses, and toffs with styles starting at $32.
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I am a fan of Quince. Yeah, Karen's wardrobe is Quince. I'm a lazy basics person and the things that I get from them I always go oh yeah now I'm wearing
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these they work they're cute they're stylish and they're classy like it doesn't look lazy it looks
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classy and it's so affordable yeah elevate your summer wardrobe go to quince.com slash mfm for
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00:24:07
Quince.com slash M-F-M. Goodbye. Okay. My last one is called, hey, you want a mausoleum?
00:24:16
It's not about drugs. Okay. Hello, Karen, Georgia and M-F-M associates. Yes, this includes pets.
00:24:23
On a recent episode, Georgia was talking about safety deposit boxes and what happens to them when nobody pays for them.
00:24:30
Well, something similar happened in my family last fall, but it wasn't a safety deposit box.
00:24:34
Last fall, my mom and her siblings received a letter from a cemetery in New York telling them
00:24:39
that the roof of their mausoleum was in need of repair. Super, right? Everyone wants a leaky tomb.
00:24:46
There was just one issue. My mom and her siblings had no idea that they owned a mausoleum.
00:24:51
How did this happen? Well, buried in the mausoleum are my great, great, great grandmother,
00:24:57
her brother, and their father. plus room for more. Throughout the years, life passed normally at the mausoleum.
00:25:06
Since it was already paid for, there was no need for paying attention to what ancestors owned it.
00:25:11
Isn't that fucking crazy? That was until repairs were needed. The cemetery somehow tracked
00:25:16
my great-great-great-grandmother's family tree and discovered my mom and her siblings
00:25:21
all the way in Washington. Shit. My three-times great-uncle died without children,
00:25:26
hence the mausoleum ownership passing to his sister's family. He was injured in the leg
00:25:32
at the Battle of Gettysburg. Whoa. But methinks that injury was a bit higher up.
00:25:39
Hence the no children. Oh. I know. Oh, that's, wow. That's dark. Anyway, once my family confirmed
00:25:46
that this was not a scam, they began to wonder just how the hell they were going to pay for repairs.
00:25:51
The mausoleum has a Tiffany stained glass window, so the repairs needed to be done well
00:25:56
as to not ruin it. Luckily, when researching the mausoleum, my family found out that not only do we have a mausoleum, we have a whole giant-ass plot of land where other ancestors are buried.
00:26:08
Oh. Plus some open plots in case anybody feels like joining them. Hey. Also, isn't it crazy that it's up to the family to fix the mausoleum and not the property owners?
00:26:19
Right. But I guess they are the property owners. Yeah. It's like they're renters on the earth.
00:26:24
Yeah. That is. Yeah. Yeah. Since my entire family lives across the country from New York,
00:26:29
none of us really feel the need to be buried in the family plot. So the extra spaces were sold and the mausoleum was repaired.
00:26:36
Huzzah! Many, many years ago, I did a school report on my three times great uncle,
00:26:42
but learning about the mausoleum led me into deeper research. I even found out that my great, great, great grandmother
00:26:48
was part of a family genealogical society that held annual meetings. While reading their 1904 meeting notes,
00:26:56
I came across this description of one of my ancestors. Quote, Perseverance that marks their character in every department in life and generally crowns their efforts with success though often attained after repeated failure I am a teacher and this past year has been the most
00:27:13
difficult of my entire career. Reading that quote really resonated with me and reminded me that I
00:27:18
can push through the hard times. Thanks for always keeping me entertained on my drives to and from
00:27:23
work and I promise to keep listening even while on summer break. SSDGM, stay smart and do good math,
00:27:32
Tori. Tori, wait, will you read the perseverance quote one more time? Yeah. Perseverance marks
00:27:37
their character in every department in life and generally crowns their efforts with success,
00:27:43
though often attained after repeated failure. I'm just writing it down. Oh, the whole thing?
00:27:48
I'll send it to you. I love that. I know. Because that really is how life works.
00:27:55
And that's like somebody handing down the secret to life where it's just like, hey, everybody likes to think it's like,
00:28:01
there's some people who just like get stuff and it's natural. And that exists in some ways.
00:28:06
Yeah. But for the most part, any overnight success is someone that's been working for 15 years.
00:28:11
For sure. Like it's all about getting in and digging in and staying. in. And then also that Tori got this realization that like it's in her blood. You know what I mean?
00:28:23
To like, that's like that quote my grandma always said, bigger dummies than you. It's like,
00:28:28
way fucking, way stupider people have been successful in life and have had good relationships
00:28:34
and have fucking persevered. And despite having depression and anxiety, other people who have had
00:28:40
that have had incredible lives. So there's no reason that you can't too. Not at all. Yeah.
00:28:45
There's people who have had way worse and gotten way better. And that truly that idea of it's almost like just getting a warning.
00:28:54
We're just like, don't hope for no bad times. Yeah. Because no bad times teach you nothing, leaves you with nothing.
00:29:01
Like you got to build those muscles. Right. And you got to know they're coming. And then, you know, that's what anxiety is.
00:29:09
It's the overdeveloped sense of I got to get ready for the next thing that's coming from around the corner.
00:29:14
it's still deeply wise to be that way. There's a true wisdom in it where you're like,
00:29:20
you're not kidding yourself. You're not going, I'm going to live on the third floor,
00:29:23
but no one will come up there. I think that's last episode actually. I'll never let it go.
00:29:27
I'll never let it go. For example, how would you and I know that drugs are really bad
00:29:31
and we can tell everyone about it had we not done a bunch of them and tried them.
00:29:35
That's right. And had terrible times. Terrible. Barfed green and had massive regrets.
00:29:41
Eight crayons. Like, come on. The subject line is mace and strippers. So are you in or are you out?
00:29:47
Always in. Lady Stevens and everyone in between. Yeah, there's that range. All the Stevens.
00:29:57
I know y'all are down with pepper spray stories and I have a feeling that stripper stories are cool too.
00:30:02
Absolutely, always. You know us. It feels great to be known and seen. Yeah. I work at a small cabaret in the heart of downtown Denver We specialize in burlesque which is basically just stripping for theater kids Oh what a great series of emails this has been
00:30:20
Yeah. Genuine belly laughs. Okay. During one particular show, the cast was hanging out backstage,
00:30:26
waiting for the big final group number to happen. It was to spooky Mormon hell dream from Book of Mormon
00:30:33
to help paint the picture. I know, did you see Book of Mormon? The musical? I really want to see it.
00:30:37
and I've never gotten to. I know, me too. I really want to. Okay. While we were waiting,
00:30:43
one of the cast members was fiddling with this weird object that had been laying around
00:30:46
the dressing room for a few months. Nobody really knew what it was, but for some reason,
00:30:50
nobody threw it away. We all just fiddled with it when we were bored. So needless to say,
00:30:54
there was literally nothing out of the ordinary about six strippers dressed as devils and Mormons
00:30:59
sitting around, one playing with what we assumed was cool garbage. That is until we heard a click
00:31:06
and then a short puff, ending with the girl playing with the garbage, yelling, It's fucking Mace!
00:31:13
Oh my God. Yes, this weird piece of trash that we had been fiddling with for months was Mace,
00:31:19
and the cast member had accidentally sprayed herself directly in the face. Okay, this is the kind of story we're asking for.
00:31:27
The next line all by itself is, All spooky Mormon hell broke loose. Now, for those who don't know,
00:31:35
Mace, like, really sucks. especially when sprayed inside a small windowless basement venue.
00:31:40
So that little spritz of mace quickly started to take over the dressing room. Within minutes, the entire cast was crying, coughing, and snotting all over the place.
00:31:50
Mascara was running. Wigs were falling to the ground. And to make matters worse, we still had three acts left in the show.
00:31:57
Oh, God. And the show must go on. Oh, my God. It wasn't long before the mace reached the audience,
00:32:06
probably because we were opening and closing the backstage door, trying to fan the mace out of the dressing room.
00:32:13
Slowly over the next few acts, people started coughing and getting up to go to the bathroom.
00:32:18
Everybody thought that they were having spontaneous allergies in January in a basement.
00:32:22
I was standing in the back of the room by the bathrooms because that's where I started for the big finale act.
00:32:28
As I stood there leaking all over the place, I thought it's best that we just kept this allergies in January narrative going.
00:32:35
When somebody would pass, I'd say, damn, allergies already? Or it looks like spring is coming or extra early this year.
00:32:41
It was January in Colorado. That was all caps. Even with climate change, that is not when spring comes.
00:32:49
The night ended with a lot of tears, more snot than anybody cared to deal with, and about 100 innocent audience members probably Googling the air pollen count as they drove home.
00:32:58
As for us strippers, from that night on, we vowed that no matter how interesting
00:33:02
any pieces of trash are that we find, just throw it away. No need for fiddling. And then it's signed,
00:33:10
Glitter and Mace, Bender. Oh, Bender. That was a good one That was epic That was the tale of a lifetime If you were writing us your story about how you got maced in a basement and lied to about it go ahead and send it Please
00:33:24
And send us any fucking story at myfavoritemurder at Gmail. You guys know their drill.
00:33:29
You're so good at it. Everybody is so on point. Thank you for sending those in and stay sexy.
00:33:34
And don't get murdered. Goodbye. Elvis, do you want a cookie? Ah. This has been an Exactly Right production.
00:33:48
Our senior producer is Hannah Kyle Crichton. Our producer is Alejandra Keck. This episode was engineered and mixed by Stephen Ray Morris.
00:33:55
Our researcher is Gemma Harris. Email your hometowns and fucking hoorays to myfavoritemurder at gmail.com.
00:34:02
Follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and Twitter at My Fave Murder.
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