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Hello and welcome to my favorite murder. The Minisodes. Minisodes. They're little.
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They're so tiny. They're emails. Go first. Okay. I demand it. The subject line of this email is the one where mom destroys the evidence.
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Okay. Intense. And then it just says, hi, hi, hi. Longtime listener and thought you'd like to hear about the time my mom tried to destroy crime scene evidence.
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This all happened about 15 years ago at the height of my career in the restaurant industry.
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It was not uncommon to get out of work around midnight and go hit the town with my buddies
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until we stumbled back home around 3, 4, sometimes 5 in the morning. No. Yeah. How late would you stay out?
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Well, probably 3 because everything closes at 2 here in California. So you'd go out until they close at 1.30 or 2 and then you'd go get pancakes.
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Yeah. And then you'd get home on a Tuesday, three in the morning, having to get up at seven to work.
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Yeah. Yeah. It's great. How did I do that? I don't know. White drugs? No, no. Just a guess.
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Just a guess. Never, never. It was just youth. It was youth. Right? You had the drive to earn a living.
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Youth and whiskey. Okay. On one of these mornings, I get shaken awake by my mom at 7 a.m.
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She has a panicked look on her face and she keeps begging me to tell her what happened.
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Over and over again, she says, it's okay. Please just tell me what happened. It's okay.
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I promise I won't tell anyone. I have not a single clue what she's talking about and only a few hours
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until I have to get up for work. So naturally, I tell her to go away. About 11 a.m., I finally
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drag myself out of bed and go see what all the fuss was about. I'm greeted by my mother and my
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uncle sitting at the kitchen table. My mom is crying and saying, it's okay. Whatever you did,
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we'll figure it out. We cleaned the blood off your car. We won't tell the cops. We know you
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were drinking last night. Just please tell us what happened. This poor woman. Oh my God. Also,
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how about I snap right into the crying mother? No, it was good. That was great. Thank you.
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I'm the Margo Martindale of this podcast. I finally pieced together what's going on,
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and I burst out laughing. My mom and uncle are dumbfounded. I said, wait, you cleaned my car
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because you thought I was drunk and hit someone with it? Oh my God. I then proceed to tell them
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about my drive to work the day before. I was on my way to the restaurant, stopped at a red light,
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waiting to make my U-turn. Out of nowhere, I see a huge swan come flying down from the sky
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headed straight toward my side of the car. The thing hits my passenger door and lands on the road in the next lane.
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At this point, the light turns green. So I shake off this insane brush with Mother Nature
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and go about making my U-turn. Fucking swan. Those things are huge. and you're not immediately looking up what that symbolizes you can't react because someone's
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honking at you it reminds me remember when we were in my car and that crow just flew into your
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sunroof like literally tried to get in apparently good luck thank god yeah for real we kept driving
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okay all of a sudden this fucking thing rises up off the ground and comes at me a second time
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it hits the front of my car head on and flies up over the back i pull over and stop the car
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I get out along with a couple of other drivers to check out on the bird. But based on the amount of blood on my car, it is clearly dead.
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Oh, my God. At this point, I am extremely late for work. So I get back in the car and I haul ass to the restaurant.
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I work the whole shift, party the whole night and totally forget about this. Oh, my God.
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Until we reach the beginning of this story with my mother in a panic, thinking I just committed vehicular manslaughter and telling me she got rid of the evidence.
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Unbelievable. Ssdgmb. Wow. I mean, now you know that your mom is... A good one. Got your back no matter what.
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She's a real one. Yeah. She actually does love you. Yeah. Can you imagine? No, that's so fucking...
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I mean... My mother would be like I called the police I called the police Go downstairs comb your hair I feel like my mom would hide evidence for me She would Yeah All right This is my neighbor
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I'm not going to read you the rest. I don't want to get roasted for a shitty intro.
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So I'll begin with a simple. Hi. Stupid. God. What are you even doing? I've been listening to you guys since 2020.
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And I wish I had something to write in about. Completely forgetting about the one story that is my entire personality.
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other than the fact that the building John Wayne Gacy was interviewed in by police is now the
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office of my best friend's corporate job and is a town over from where we grew up.
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That is some deep trivia. Yeah, totally. Okay. Anyway, I grew up in the northwest suburbs of
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Chicago, right behind the city courthouse. Our block had about 15 kids living there,
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including my three siblings and I, and this was the late 90s, early 2000s. So there were always
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kids outside when it was nice. Well, one day when I was maybe seven or eight, we had a new
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neighbor move in next door to us named Jeff, not his real name. Jeff was a single adult man who at
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the time seemed to be about 40, but I was also seven. So I didn't know. No, no, he was about 28.
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Yeah, exactly. We received a knock on our front door one day after he moved in and being the nosy
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child I was, I went to the door with my mom to see who it was. I loved meeting people. So I was
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excited to see a new face. Hey, seven. Well, Jeff introduced himself and began to inform us that
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as part of Megan's law, and it says, yes, you read that right, he had to go door to door and
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let all the parents know that he was, in fact, a registered sex offender. I feel like that should
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probably happen more than it does in Los Angeles. Right. I mean, the door to door part. Well,
00:07:35
reminds me of the Big Lebowski. Of course. It's like, God damn, he's a pederast.
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Now, when we were told the story by him and our parents, he told us he was watching regular old
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porn and his nephew walked in and saw it, told his mom, Jeff's sister, who then reported him.
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He was a very nice guy and his crime seemed relatively harmless. So naturally, all the
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parents let us go to his house whenever we wanted. No. Late 90s, early 2000s. He was a cool guy in
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his 20s, right? He always had those long popsicles, you know, the ones in the plastic sleeve,
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in his garage freezer for all of us. And we would often go over to his garage and grab some,
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whether he was home or not. He was that kind of cool adult, Karen. A cool, long, phallic popsicle kind of adult.
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Always had free sweets. I used to dog sit for him by myself too. Yikes. He never did anything to any of us.
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And it wasn't until we were all older that we realized how absolutely batshit our parents were
00:08:37
for allowing us to spend all caps, one-on-one time with this man. It turns my stomach.
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My mom would have scratched his eyes out in the moment. She would never have a love about that.
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My mother would have gotten him out of the city. She would have absolutely disappeared that man.
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Yes, 100%. Anyway, my brother is now in law enforcement and recently did more digging because surely his only crime wasn't simply for watching porn.
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That doesn't make sense. All caps. Nope. All caps. It was for child pornography, film slash photos of a 13 year old when he was 26.
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again why were our parents so lax about this because 90s 2000s i guess i'm glad the registry
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is so easily accessible now because what the fuck yeah stay sexy and maybe don't let sex offenders
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move into neighborhoods full of children s oh god i mean almost seems like you should have to like
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give them a piece of paper that says what you did on it instead of being like here all i did was like
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i got caught urinating in public or something you know what i mean like yeah it should be like
00:09:41
not this guy's fucking making shit up. Now that you can look it up, guys, sex offender registry tells you
00:09:46
how many sex offenders live in your neighborhood. It's truly terrifying. It's alarmingly insane.
00:09:51
There are mug shots and it's scary. Yeah. Hello, beautiful. I'm Amy Erick, founder of Madison Reed,
00:10:00
a hair color company I named after my daughter. Forget everything you know about hair color.
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The mess, the smell, the hassle, the damage. We're female founded and female led.
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we've transformed the hair color experience with ingredients that care for your hair
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and award-winning color on your terms at home or at our hair color bars. The future of hair color is here at Madison Reed.
00:10:26
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00:11:28
The subject line of this email is because everything goes here, apparently. Hi, beloveds.
00:11:34
I was listening to... I'm so sorry. I love it. Hi, beloveds. I don't think anyone's ever said that to me.
00:11:42
I like it. I was listening to a mini-sode from 2021 tonight that featured a six-year-old yelling to her
00:11:47
mom to get her favorite wine from the liquor store when it finally sank in that you will
00:11:53
read any kind of story. So here the line That a good one But also yes you finally getting it When I was nine my dad brought my brothers and I with him on a business trip to Washington D
00:12:06
My 14-year-old brother, Andrew, got to bring his best friend, Graham. I honestly don't know what my dad was thinking letting Graham come with us.
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He and my brother were constantly getting in trouble. Oh, Jesus. We stayed at one of those hotels whose lower level was attached to a below-ground shopping mall.
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Oh, yeah. So rad. Hell, yeah. You don't have to go outside ever. I think we stayed in that hotel in Washington, D.C.
00:12:27
Yeah, we've only stayed in those before. And it had the Habit Trail connector to a different building?
00:12:31
Yeah, because it's freezing there all the time. I think so. Yeah. Okay. Also, I just like to always be a part of everybody else's memories, too.
00:12:37
Me, too. My younger brother and I stayed with my dad in one room while Andrew and Graham got their own room and a strict curfew, my dad's second mistake.
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One night after my younger brother and I fell asleep, my dad decided to check on Andrew and Graham.
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I guess his gut told him that they were up to no good. And behold, their room was empty.
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It turns out that earlier in the day, they're 14. Yeah. Earlier in the day, they had met some girls in the mall and made a plan to meet up with them later that night.
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Now, this was back in 1989, well before cell phones. So my dad had to wait in that hotel room getting angrier and angrier.
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Finally, at midnight, these two 14-year-old dummies stumbled back into the room and came face to face with our furious dad, who uttered the words that have become infamous in our family.
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When we get back to Michigan, you two are dog meat. Dog meat. Oh, my God. Dog meat.
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Let's just say that Graham did not join us on any future trips, and my brother spent the remainder of the school year grounded, in parentheses.
00:13:43
This was spring break. So we're talking months here. Stay sexy and don't bring troublemakers on your family vacations. Warmly, Stella.
00:13:52
Stella, I have that same brother. He had that same best friend. They would have burnt something to the ground. So actually, your dad should have been pleased that they came home by midnight. Like, that's not that bad.
00:14:03
I mean, you know, that's very true. Because for a second, I was like, are these 14 year olds going to be drunk?
00:14:07
Yeah. Or are they going to be like, yeah, Secret Service is like, excuse me, sir, you need to come get your kid.
00:14:12
Like, that's what my brother would have fucking done. They were in the Oval Office.
00:14:15
Asher broke into the Oval Office. Asher and Ryan, they broke in and they stole a bunch of fucking, they drank, took a sip of every single different alcohol in the fucking bar cart.
00:14:24
And they lived. They lived their lives. They thrived. Actually did that at my friend, at his friend's house.
00:14:30
Drink one sip of every alcohol in the bar. Get that creamed immense. Oh, they got drunk.
00:14:34
Okay. This is about a Siamese cat. Okay. Hero. Longtime listener, and I miss your-
00:14:39
And you just read a story about Elvis. And it's my story. I'm trying to try not to cry.
00:14:45
Longtime listener, I still miss your Elvis because we had a spunky Siamese cat as well.
00:14:50
His name was Rutherford, and I like to think of him as a distant murderino relative of Elvis
00:14:56
because he understood the assignment to protect me. one night while i was in junior high the police put our entire neighborhood on lockdown
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police wanted every window and door locked with all curtains closed someone had driven by our
00:15:09
neighbor's house and shot through the picture window about half a dozen times whoa our friend
00:15:15
was sitting in a recliner and got hit in the leg bear in mind that this was 1977 we had zero idea
00:15:21
what gun violence was and drive-by shootings weren't a thing for decades to come that's insane
00:15:26
Yeah. Later that night, I cracked my bedroom window open about two inches. Why, you ask? Because my cat loved to sit on the windowsill, and what Rutherford wanted, Rutherford got.
00:15:36
I bet. This left my curtains slightly parted and not entirely closed, as instructed by police.
00:15:42
Suddenly, Rutherford jumped to the floor and flattened himself out. I mean, belly to the floor, with all four legs stretched out like a cartoon character.
00:15:50
He laid there staring through the wall as if he could see outside and was literally growling, just like a dog.
00:15:56
Elvis has growled before. I swear he looked at me and then looked at my bedroom door and then back at the wall facing outside and just kept growling.
00:16:04
I knew he wanted me to hit the deck and get out of my room. So I did my best G.I. Joe army crawl and slithered out of the door and up the stairs to tell my parents that Rutherford spotted something outside.
00:16:15
Sorry, but just the description of the eye where it's like you out now. See that?
00:16:19
You get to my six. Yeah, totally. It's hilarious. Good boy. That Rutherford was also a Navy SEAL, not just a Siamese cat.
00:16:29
Navy SEAL point, because he was a SEAL point, Navy SEAL. My dad hopped out of bed, bolted past me, rushed out the door, and literally chased a man into a field behind our house.
00:16:37
So there really was someone there. Dad returned safely with my mother, screaming at him that he could have been killed.
00:16:43
I remember being terrified of a shooter and mortified I had witnessed my pale-skinned, bony-legged father running around in nothing but his tiny whities.
00:16:51
Dear God and baby Jesus, 48 years later, and I still can't unsee it. Yeah. Thankfully, due to our encounter, the police apprehended the creep.
00:17:01
Rutherford fucking got him. Jesus Christ. Rutherford got the bad guy. He had recently been released from jail and was seeking revenge on our neighbor for stealing his girlfriend while he had been incarcerated.
00:17:10
The guy got shot. Oh, shit. The police said he had returned that night to see if he had been successful in killing the guy.
00:17:16
Turns out the week prior to the shooting, he had placed a bomb on the front doorstep of a man responsible for putting him in jail in the first place.
00:17:23
Jesus. Luckily, both his victims recovered from their wounds. As a murderino, I'd like to say that my Siamese cat saved me from a peeping Tom and a poorly skilled attempted murderer.
00:17:33
Maybe Rutherford was Elvis's great grandpa. And grandpa is P-A-W. Wow. All the things you love in one sentence.
00:17:41
Stay sexy and listen when your pets are trying to save you from psychos. Inga. Inga.
00:17:46
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00:19:14
All right. Well, thank you. No, you have one more and I have one more. What? My apologies.
00:19:22
I have one more. You must have one more. Yeah, I must. Okay. So let's see. The subject line of this email is an almost kidnapping.
00:19:30
Hello, ladies. I've been listening to your podcast since 2017, and I try not to miss an episode.
00:19:35
Thank you. But you know what? They keep, like, if you do miss one, it's just sitting there waiting for you.
00:19:41
It's not radio. But we need those numbers week by week, you know? It's true. That's true.
00:19:45
You two have made me laugh, cry, and check the backseat of my car every single time I get it.
00:19:49
Love it. and I thank you for it. Before I get into my hometown story, I have to share a quick hot dog
00:19:55
moment. My husband and I shop at Costco and like Pavlov's dogs, we cannot leave without the $1.50
00:20:02
hot dog and Coke combo. It's delicious. And honestly, the hot dog being longer than the bun
00:20:07
just feels like a win every time. You see, there's like a t-shirt going around. It's just the picture
00:20:11
of the hot dog deal on the Costco on the menu. Just a t-shirt with that. I love it. So good.
00:20:17
Also, that's the kind of thing where it's like, ha, ha, ha, that's so funny. It's like, no, everyone wants that.
00:20:22
Totally. Everyone loves it. It's like the hippest t-shirt. Especially now. Yeah.
00:20:27
Hot dog. Hot dog. Costco or heroes? Hot dog or heroes. Bye-bye. Uh-oh, Karen's going to do the hot dog or sandwiches or heroes thing?
00:20:37
No. No. No. Okay, now to my story. When I was 15, I ran track from my high school and often had to take the 5 o'clock activity bus home.
00:20:46
This was 1986. and back that, oh, thank God, someone that's almost my age. What a great fucking feeling.
00:20:52
This was 1986, and back then, school buses didn't drop you off at your front door.
00:20:56
Instead, they get you within a mile or two, and you walk the rest. Usually no big deal because I was with friends or my sisters, but not this day.
00:21:04
This day, I was the only one getting off at my stop. My house was the last one on a long, dead-end road lined with trees and houses.
00:21:12
I was about halfway home, walking on the right side of the road, when a man in a small red hatchback pulled up next to me with the window rolled down.
00:21:19
He leaned toward the passenger side and tried to act friendly, saying I look tired and that I should get in so he could drive me home.
00:21:26
Fuck you. Anyone that tells you that you look tired. Yeah. Whether it's someone in your office or somebody in a car on the road.
00:21:34
There's an ulterior motive. The person in the office is trying to make you feel bad.
00:21:38
Yeah. Or that you look like shit. And the person's trying to get you in their fucking car.
00:21:41
Yeah. Just reject it all. No niceties. Nope. Okay. Immediately, I got that feeling. You know the one, the back of your neck tightens and your mind is screaming stranger danger. I knew who Ted Bundy was. I'd read the stranger beside me. I wasn't about to play nice.
00:21:57
Hell yeah. Love this. I didn't talk to him or look at him or even acknowledge him. I just kept walking. I strayed ahead. He kept trying, insisting I get in his car. When I didn't respond, he finally snapped. He yelled, fuck you then, bitch, and squealed his tires as he sped down the road.
00:22:14
of course this is a dead end road so i knew he'd be coming back i crossed the street so i'd be
00:22:20
further from him when he passed again thinking at the very least he couldn't grab me easily from
00:22:25
across the car oh my god and yep here he comes slowing down again this time he was all apologies
00:22:31
saying he didn't mean to yell that he felt bad and he still wanted to give me a ride home to make
00:22:36
it up to me you fucking psycho what a creeper okay no sir if i didn't get in your car before
00:22:43
you curse me out. I definitely am not getting in now. I stayed quiet, kept walking, and ignored him
00:22:48
again. He finally drove off a second time, yelling more profanities out the window, of course.
00:22:54
Now I had a new problem. He didn't know where I lived, but I was terrified he might come back
00:22:59
again to see which house I went into. I also knew enough to know how stalkers operate. I wasn't
00:23:05
about to lead him to my front door, so I tightened up my backpack straps and ran the last half mile
00:23:11
home. I made it, locked the door, and thankfully nothing else happened. I didn't tell my mom. I'm
00:23:16
still not sure why. Because it was 1986 and you literally would have been yelled at for being
00:23:22
harassed. Totally. Sorry. Maybe I just wanted to believe it was over. I kept taking the five o'clock
00:23:29
bus, but from then on, I switched to the one that dropped me a little bit further out. I had to cut
00:23:34
through the woods and hop a fence into my backyard, but honestly, that felt safer. Sorry, but that is
00:23:40
such 15 year old logic. I know. I'll go the way more dangerous route. I'll go the way where no one can see me.
00:23:46
I'll go the way where this guy is waiting. Yeah, where he's camping. Do you remember back then being like,
00:23:51
I don't want to tell my mom because she'll make a big deal of this and I don't want to deal,
00:23:54
like she'll make it a big thing. Yes. And we were just like so annoyed that she was so like, ugh,
00:23:59
but it's like, You should have made it a big deal. Yeah. It was the luck and the benefit of being a child and not understanding what she was upset about.
00:24:08
Right. Because, like, she's going to make a big deal about it because she knows things that you wouldn't imagine are possible.
00:24:13
Right. She's not embarrassing you. She's, like, trying to protect children. Yeah.
00:24:18
Yeah. Just tell your mom. Just tell your mommy. It's how they do it these days. Yeah.
00:24:22
Okay. Oh, that was the end. Anyway, thank you for being the murdery aunties we all need.
00:24:26
stay sexy, and never underestimate the Costco hot dog. SSD GM Bettina. Good one, Bettina.
00:24:34
Beautiful. Okay, well, actually, this one kind of fits in the theme. Hot dogs? No children. Fucking politeness. So, same thing.
00:24:42
Perfect. Okay, first time I heard the fuck word from my 12-year-olds. Hello, my ear canal BFFs.
00:24:49
Hey. Hey. I'm a very long-time listener, many-time mental emailer, but first time actually emailing.
00:24:56
Welcome. Last night, my 12 year old daughters, I have identical twins, informed me of an incident that happened to their best friend earlier this week. Their friend said she got off the bus after school and was walking home with her two friends when she noticed a man in his 60s following them. She said she recognized him from a few years ago when he followed her from the bus and told her he knew her mom and asked her to come with him.
00:25:17
fuck at that time she knew something odd was up and said no thank you and quickly walked home
00:25:22
earlier this week as soon as she saw him she recognized him and she told her friends to run
00:25:27
the three 12 year old girls ran into her apartment and locked all the doors he eventually caught up
00:25:33
and was looking into her apartment windows and sliding glass doors this is exactly what you just
00:25:37
read yes she immediately called her parents yay who then called the police she was interviewed by
00:25:43
the cops and said she couldn stop shaking for the rest of the night Yes of course not amazing You were in serious danger You were right As you can imagine hearing the story really shook us up And as I processed
00:25:55
it, my girls proceeded to come up with a plan, including what they would do in that situation
00:25:59
and what they would say to the police. Because remember, kids are sometimes afraid of the police,
00:26:04
or they think they need a really big reason to call them like someone is hurt or there's a fire.
00:26:09
Yeah. As my girls were going through their pretend 911 script, I calmly and deliberately
00:26:14
channeled Karen and Georgia. And I let them know that if they're ever in any type of situation
00:26:19
where a stranger or a stranger adjacent is asking them a question or trying to speak to them,
00:26:24
they don't owe them a single glance or utterance in their direction. Listen to your gut,
00:26:29
run away, call 911 and find an adult that they trust or a goth. Find a goth. Find a goth. I
00:26:35
told them they can fuck politeness. And I even instructed them to repeat the phrase back to me.
00:26:40
They looked at me wide-eyed, mouths agape, and as I nodded encouragement and showed them my serious face, they gladly shouted, fuck politeness.
00:26:52
My heart swelled with pride for my baby murderinas and gratitude for the lessons you brave ladies have taught us, possibly even saving some lives along the way.
00:27:00
because here's the thing some of us can become so consumed by our anxiety and our involuntary
00:27:06
imaginations that in order to protect ourselves we develop an off switch where we tell ourselves
00:27:11
that doesn't happen here or it won't happen to us yeah alternatively many of us are sheltered
00:27:16
and naive and whether we want to admit it or not we simply don't have the impetus to mentally
00:27:21
prepare ourselves staying sexy and not getting murdered up here in michigan and it says yeah
00:27:27
Vince, I'm with you too. Elena, she, her. Amazing job, Elena. First of all, I think it's like,
00:27:35
I sometimes do get worried when 12 write in and they like I listen to your podcast where it just like it just simply is not for children But if they in their world some hideous adult breaks through and they suddenly have to start considering what these hideous adults may or may not do then they do get to say the F word
00:27:54
Totally. And they do get to do all these things. Practice it so they're not terrified, you know?
00:27:58
Yes. And they practice kind of saying like this weird thing that's happening that when it does happen to you and like I'm sure everyone could tell a story like this where suddenly as a 12 year old you're interacting with a grown man who has the weirdest vibes.
00:28:13
That is all you need. Yeah. To make a scene. That's all you need. That experience singularly.
00:28:19
You don't have to keep on. It's not three times. It shouldn't happen at all. Yeah.
00:28:24
So literally go find someone that looks like someone's grandma. Screaming your head off.
00:28:28
A cashier, an older lady cashier. Yes, definitely. And say, that man keeps talking to me and I don't know who it is.
00:28:34
I love that. That's it. Hell yeah. Send us your stories. Do you have one of those stories where you fucked politeness before?
00:28:39
We want to fucking hear those stories so bad at MyFavoriteMurder at Gmail. Please.
00:28:43
Please. And until you have a story like that for us, stay sexy. And don't get murdered.
00:28:48
Goodbye. Elvis, do you want a cookie? This has been an Exactly Right production.
00:29:00
Our senior producers are Alejandra Keck and Molly Smith. Our editor is Aristotle Acevedo.
00:29:05
This episode was mixed by Liana Squalachi. Email your hometowns to myfavoritemurder at gmail.com.
00:29:10
And follow the show on Instagram at myfavoritemurder. Listen to My Favorite Murder on the iHeartRadio app,
00:29:15
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00:29:20
And while you're there, please like and subscribe. Goodbye. running a business shouldn feel like surviving a software group project one app for account We be right back
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Try for free today at odoo.com slash iHeartRadio. That's odoo.com slash iHeartRadio.
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