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hello weirdos I'm salid fingers and I'm the really terrifying and traumatizing burglar from Sims 1 I
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don't know you but this is a rusty spoon it's actually morbid [Music] I'm terrified anyway it's brought to you
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by you actually no it's brought to you by marjerie Stewart backer and Jeremy Fisher and Hubert
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[Music] cumberdale oh no it's actually brought to you just by um Hubert codel and oh oh
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it's actually brought to you by Jeremy Stewart backer Jeremy Fisher oh Jeremy Fisher I
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got confused because you stole all my things that's what I do I don't know guys it got [ __ ] weird in here um
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something's vibrating is it Mom it's my mom mom we're in the middle of listener Tales
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guys you thought last time was weird this time is even weirder because of this yeah guys so listener Tales is
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weird now super weird listener tals is weird now listener tals is literally so weird it's fun though it's so fun cuz
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it's after Halloween yeah and we still get to do fun stuff it's still Halloween yeah it's still Halloween in our hearts
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forever I love this so much I'm having a lot of fun this is fun yeah I'm kind of
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nervous about um getting this green paint off my face I'm honestly nervous for you yeah what happened was I got
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like a green powder makeup I accident and it worked like with water I like mixed it and I was able to put it on my
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face but then it wouldn't work on a bald cap cuz I didn't go actually bald for this look I just you know put a bald cap
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on Commit you know listen I think I committed you did but did you say you didn't I said you did oh I was like Wow
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feel like damn [ __ ] like I feel like I did um but yeah so I'm um acrylic paint
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on top of my head is what I what I was going to say and a little bit on her face so and neck we will see how this is
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going yeah we'll post photos of the aftermath you know we'll see if there's any kind of irritation happening I'm
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excited to see there's definitely irritation happening right here where with Jeremy Fisher is Jeremy fish jery
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Fisher and honestly um my my thing was so easy to make but I got this Plum Bob you know this plumbob Bob the Builder on
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Etsy I love that so go check him out he does cool stuff he was very he was easy to he told me how to work it and stuff
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so like Bob forever Bob uh I'm going to be starting yeah this listener Tales experience here
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let's go brother let's go um so this one I should probably go back and tell you what it's actually called yeah that's
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kind of the whole thing it's a a little hard okay this one's called listener tale it's more of a yoink than a yeet
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listener tale this one is very funny and I like that a lot uh let's see I'm gonna
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open it up oh yeah also we went with like a home invasions kind of um theme and like kidnapping sort of because it's
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like your thing I I know you're not a kidnapper but no you're kind of a kidnapper you put kids in ovens I know
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you're right I just didn't want to talk about it here and now sorry I never got caught I never got caught all right so
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it says picture it the summer of 1977 in a suburb of Chicago called cisero ciso cisero famous for being the home of the
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gangster Al Capone that's pretty badass that is really badass scary but badass yeah um this also has a picture of
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Sophia from The Golden Girls on the phone of course like picture it the summer of
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1977 the heat and humidity of the day simmering off the asphalt in a small there it is there you go in a small
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brick bungalow style home my mother sauntered about in the stagnant heat of the kitchen her youngest sat upon her
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hip mwah the child so Angelic and small was only months old her strawberry red hair plastered to her absolutely
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adorable and Whittle head poetic license will be used and most likely abused in the basement of this Bungalow is the
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rest of the Schmucks and staff or I mean my siblings my sister Coco nine at the time my brother Benny 10 Joe 8 Rodrigo 7
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and Bobby 5 they played about in the coolest spot in the house without a care in the world wreaking havoc amongst each
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other because kids am I right you're right you are right oh and also because boys they do be rambunctious any hoole
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as they played about in the basement and unbeknownst to my mother a man creeped in behind but this is horrifying a man
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creeped in between the narrow walkway beh between our home and the neighbors he stopped at the small window a window
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barely any bigger than a doggy door that sat at ground level peering into the basement he beat on the window until
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breaking the glass not the glass like there's children in there I think that's kind of
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his objective I hate that I know I hate him for that I do too near that window was little Bobby not little Bobby Bobby
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Bobby standing there with his little Root Beer Belly chubby cheeks his dark hair growing darker with sweat the man
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reached in and yed him out of the basement yoink and into the oven bye-bye little Bobby bye-bye I didn't say that
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you did Coco Benny Joe and Rodrigo ran upstairs to the kitchen they reached my mom started pulling on her shirt mom mom
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they started yelling he grabbed Bobby he grabbed Bobby he pulled him out the window here's the thing I would have
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died if I was that mother yeah on impact your kids run up to you and say he grabbed Bobby he grabbed a Bobby he
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pulled him out the window Dead how do you react to that she throws the baby and goes to get the B holy [ __ ] my
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mother obviously in shock handed The Golden Child the beautiful little baby so sweet
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and innocent to her sister Coco and went down to the basement to see the destruction for herself not quite
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believing what she heard as the kids said the window was broken with only small shards
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still small shards small shards still only small chards what is it chards shards it's shards shards correctly
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right okay it's like small shards I don't know why that sounded so wrong in my head still sticking inside the frame
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the police were called and alerted to the situation I'm horrified for your entire family scary as everyone went
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outside to wait for the police my brothers pointed to the elderly neighbor sitting in the backyard rocking away on
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his glider while drinking mommy he is the man who took Bobby no just went across the street no
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next to the elderly neighbor was a little dark-haired boy with his own drink it's
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Bobby what the [ __ ] is going on here hello what is going on if you guess that it was my brother sitting with the
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neighbor you would be correct yes the elderly neighbor was lonely and just wanted to share a beer and a chat with
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someone I'm sorry yeah I'm sorry no he wasn't all there no yeah no his family was located and called to help his son
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arrived and was very apologetic eventually our neighbor was placed in a nursing home to get the 24/7 care he
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needed and all was well again that is so sad I know and so horrifying it's so sad
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on so many levels because um childhood trauma and then obvious that neighbor all there mean any
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har holy [ __ ] yeah even though there was still glass left in the frame little Bobby was not injured at all in my best
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Keith Morrison impression I don't see Bobby drinking much beer could it be because of this incident could it be
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because he prefers the harder stuff we'll never no to this day my siblings still refus to answer the question of
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did he really reach down and grab him or did you all just lift him up as an offering I love that I love it so I love
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that so good that's a good one I like that one and can I say your name uh let me see let me see let me see you may use
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my name April April thank you for that April I didn't want to call you out if I couldn't April we love April that was a
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good one and horrifying horrifying but like had a happy ending it did it and it was funny yeah exactly so I like that
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one all right my next one is I think I can say your name so this is the time I almost had a play
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date with a kidnapper I hate this yeah hello wonderful ladies I want to start off the
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story by saying the usual you are amazing and thank you so much for doing what you do I found your podcast while
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listening to my girls over at National Park after dark and we love them so much and I've
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been hooked ever since my name is Devon and yes you can use my name hey Devon hey Devon what's up Devon how are you
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Deon this story takes place in the good old old early '90s hell when kids like me often ran around unsupervised outside
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and I was usually Barefoot my family didn't have a lot of money I lived in a small rented house on the outskirts of
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anat talk I think it is I like it Antioch Cal somewhere in California I just said
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California I have to go we're struggling we really are it's kind of late all right you lived in California uh then
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small City about 30 mil outside of San Francisco in the East Bay o it was seemingly a normal summer afternoon and
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being the oldest child with an infant sibling to entertain me I was out uh I was playing out front of my house alone
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my family sorry I need to zoom in because I'm literally blind it's who I am your salad fingers it's very
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hot H La it was a seemingly normal summer afternoon and being the oldest child with only an infant sibling to
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entertain me I was playing out front of my house alone my family home had a giant white birch tree in the front yard
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surrounded by grass in a small garden oh that sounds lovely it's gorgeous gorgeous um the yard was enclosed in a
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giant cast iron gate thank God more on that soon it had Ivy stretching up around it and it smelled of fresh herbs
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in the summer evenings that's gorgeous and beautiful and lovely setting a scene de it says my mother was just in or
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sorry it why can't I do this you know I don't know sometimes it's hard you became a different thing today so a lot
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yeah this isn't Salad Finger first this is Salad Fingers first rodeo it is so give him give him a minute yeah give him
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a minute all right this says my mother was just inside caring for my sister when this story occurred I was sitting
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in the grass playing with one of those cheap balls you see at the grocery store and those giant bins that you either
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wanted to climb into as a kid or throw balls over the top of you know what I'm talking about absolutely I do I still
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love those I always just picture somebody taking a ball from like the inside or the inside like bottom and
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then everything just like plummeting down yep I love it uh it was common for people to walk by my house there was a
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small Cafe up the road on the corner and many people from our neighborhood frequented it my house also backed up to
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two separate cemeteries and I spent a lot of time getting to know each person buried in them but that's a story for
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another time Devon that's a story for right now Deon yeah Devon that's always a story for right now come on I love
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that story I love that I wasn't in the front yard long when I noticed a strange woman accompanied by a blonde girl a bit
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older than myself s walked by with a small child in a stroller I was immediately intrigued another child in
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the neighborhood I didn't know it then but I W uh I didn't know them but I was desperate to have somebody else to play
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with the woman sees my interest and stops in front of the gate to my house this startles me as I was taught
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stranger danger like everybody else however the woman seemed okay and she had kids with her how bad could she be I
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was taught that if I was ever lost to find a policeman or another mom with kids so this mom couldn't be bad I won't
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Ed over to the gate oh no the woman asked me my name and asked if I lived there I said yes and looked to the other
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kids the older girl did not look at me one time this immediately threw up alarm bells in my head even as a kid so much
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so that I remember this encounter to this day something so nervous yeah something was wrong and even my small
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child brain knew it the woman then asked if I wanted to go play with my ball with
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her daughters no she reached through the fence and touched my arm a full grip on
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my wrist I uh it was then that I knew something was wrong for real the Panic said in my brain yelled at me to step
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back but I was frozen there parents always tell you about stranger danger but how often as a kid do you actually
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experience it I don't like this at all she's upset the plum Bob I don't like this at all he said no no no I'm mad
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maybe sensing my concern the woman asked if I wanted to set up a play date and asked if my parents were around she
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quickly looked over to me and around toward the house it was then thankfully that my mom rushed outside and yelled at
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me to get away from the fence yeah get the [ __ ] away from her yeah get away from that cuckoo lady I backed away
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releasing myself from the woman's grip and ran to my mom without even another word the woman and the girls quickly
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walked down the street pushing the stroller out of sight and I don't remember ever seeing them again but the
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story is not over I was going to say did I if I was that Mom I think I would have
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like linebacker style tackled that woman what are your intentions what are you doing here let's just say I got a very
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stern lecture from my mom about not talking to strangers that day and never played out front of that house
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unsupervised ever again no flash to 2009 now I'm in high school and I live across
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town from where I grew up I see that on the news a little girl kidnapped in 1991
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was held captive but found on the outskirts of California the outskirts of that town I can't say yes that's right
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ladies I grew up and lived around the [ __ ] corner from JC duard shut the [ __ ] up while she was held captive for
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18 years isn't that [ __ ] Bonkers I didn't see that coming no I did not read these ahead of time I did not see these
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coming yeah what the [ __ ] yep the woman I met that day uh Nancy gero I think it
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is what the f the kids I met Jai and her firstborn daughter not her sister I have I'm without words without
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words I'm without words can you imagine no and to know one to know that you like
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happened to have an experience where you like met her and then two to realize that Nancy was trying to kidnap your ass
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too to add to the whole thing and oh my God and your mom is probably like holy [ __ ] that was just JC what and your
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mom's like thank God I was paying attention yeah like Mama ran out there and was like get the [ __ ] off my proper
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[ __ ] yeah I felt absolutely sick to my stomach to my [ __ ] stomach watching the news this poor girl was trapped in
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hell my entire childhood only a few thousand feet from where I played and slept and lived every single
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day wow my mom and I immediately looked up the address of where Jai was found and saw that she was hidden only eight
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houses away from us on the corner the grief I felt was that uh the grief I felt that day was insurmountable knowing
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I saw her and I met her and her kidnapper as a child and never even knew it I can only guess now what might have
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happened to me if I had gone with that woman that day I'm so glad you didn't thank goodness Devon thanks for
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listening to my tale and maybe later I'll write in about some other Tales I have like when I was subpoena to testify
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in front of a court as a witness for when I stopped a home invasion and accidentally broke up a crime ring in my
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neighborhood keep it weird much love Devin Devin come on you got I want to hear you got to send us those Tales you
00:16:30
got some staries Devon you're happy my goodness I'm happy to hear it yeah holy [ __ ] crazy that was CRA I did not see
00:16:40
that coming that like shocked me when I was reading it I was like wait wait what
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what oh wow sorry that just like ringed off whatever damn damn that's crazy right all right that's
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nuts no no not chery fish Jeremy's mine now can't believe you just did that to me steal Jeremy you can't
00:17:03
steal my salad fingers Jeremy's mine I got to tuck them back in so they look more realistic put Jeremy in my bag
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can't believe you took my my things not my things not my if you had a rusty spoon I'd steal that I know I actually
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feel so [ __ ] remiss I was going to make a rusty spoon and then I just completely forgot and it's not something
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you can just whip up in a minute you know what the rusty spoon is the friends we made along the way I like that put
00:17:32
that on my Tombstone and never explain it to anyone no no context whatsoever all right so the next
00:17:41
listener tale is listener Tales home invasions hello firstly to Ash's cats secondly to you gorgeous gorgeous gal
00:17:50
I'll tell them you said hi my name is Molly Molly feel free to use all my names all the names in the in the thing
00:17:59
you guys remind me of the lovely relationship between me and my sister and have even inspired us to begin
00:18:04
percolating the idea of starting our own podcast do it we both love spooky [ __ ]
00:18:10
and have some truly hilarious banter at least we think so we think we do too that's the whole reason we started this
00:18:15
that means that you're right yeah you're funny I'm not good at expressing my feelings according to my therapist
00:18:20
neither is Elena but but want you to know that I think you are both badass hilarious and
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taligent human beings thank you so are you I hope to one day be as spooky and cool of a mom as you Elena that's really
00:18:34
sweet I hope that too really sweet we share that Molly and get all the same sister scissor wielding ghosts to [ __ ]
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right off and leave my babies alone I also hope to bring more of an ash itude into my life and be unapologetically
00:18:47
myself while being rocked to the people around me a I love you so much Molly you
00:18:52
said I love how supportive you've been of Alena's book which I cannot wait to read and you Andrew the absolute
00:18:57
cuteness is pretty all right oh my God and she's pretty all right tiny url.com thee
00:19:03
butcher in except don't use that because it's not active anymore go to.com oh [ __ ] you have a whole website
00:19:08
there you go anyway attached our two double space puas for your reading pleasure I won't Bo bother apologizing
00:19:14
for length because I already know what you're going to say if you read one or both of these on the Pod TM I will never
00:19:19
stop bragging about I will never stop I broke I will never stop bragging to everyone I know
00:19:27
much love Molly today we will read the home invasion tale and then guess what Molly you're going to be on backtack
00:19:32
listener Tales it's true you're coming back we'll read New Orleans next next uh month hell yeah I've been doing admin so
00:19:39
this one's called [ __ ] Kevin and not in the fun way I like that I like that a lot 2020
00:19:47
was a [ __ ] year for a lot of reasons one of those reasons is that it's the year
00:19:52
that my apartment was broken into and robbed yes Kevin is his real name and I'm comfortable using it because he was
00:19:57
indeed caught arrested Ed and convicted Kevin by then my then boyfriend now husband and I
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congratulations and I were out of town visiting my family and we left our precious cat children Ari and B oh I
00:20:11
like that Ari and Binks back at our apartment in in Allington Vermont Virginia Virginia Virginia sorry I said
00:20:18
Vermont uh spoiler alert no cats were harmed in the making of This listener tale thank you we hired a cat sitter to
00:20:24
come visit SL feed them once a day we were supposed to come back home on a Friday but made a fateful last minute
00:20:29
decision to stay an extra day and come home on Saturday instead at the time I regretted this decision but now I'm
00:20:36
grateful for what we did as it was the last time I saw my mom before she passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed
00:20:42
heart condition I'm sorry I'm sorry Molly that sucks I know we returned home on Saturday night and my boyfriend
00:20:49
commented that he thought the door was already unlocked when he stuck the key in that's the scariest thing I say well
00:20:54
you go check the apartment I have to go somewhere it's been real bye we brushed this off because the lock was kind of
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janky and he was probably mistaken we drop our suitcases and I give my kitty some reunion snuggles my boyfriend comes
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rushing out of the bedroom and asks me if I'd moved a small box out of his desk drawer I had not and this is where the
00:21:13
red flags started going up we searched the apartment some more and noticed that a passport checkbook and other items
00:21:19
were missing as well that's really scary to think that somebody has your passord
00:21:24
like that's be terrifying the small box that my boyfriend was panicking over contained The Diamond for my future
00:21:30
engagement ring I know oh he had not given it to me yet and this is how I learned that he was going to propose oh
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Imagine Learning like that that's so sad I know I plugged our cheap security camera into my laptop and started
00:21:43
reviewing the footage video only there was no audio my heart dropped when I got to the footage from Friday night/
00:21:50
Saturday morning around 2 a.m. I can see Ari and Binks excitedly trotting up to the door as it began to open thinking
00:21:56
that Mom and Dad were finally home no I see their ears go back and their tails drop as they realize it's not us
00:22:03
and they turn around and Sprint to find a hiding place I see two unfamiliar [ __ ] men sorry I added that uh just
00:22:10
men come through the door unfortunately I can't see their faces because the camera was pointed to the floor it was
00:22:17
positioned that way because we bought it to keep an eye on the cats never expecting that it would capture a
00:22:22
robbery I break out into tears and call my mom while my boyfriend calls the police two young women police officers
00:22:28
show show up shortly after and I'm grateful to them to this day for how comforting and kind they were as they
00:22:33
took our statements and dusted for fingerprints side note they used a black powder to dust for fingerprints and
00:22:39
Binks was very interested in what they were doing he stepped in a pile of powder and left little black Footprints
00:22:44
all over the place it was adorable to this day he is known as detective Binks DT Binks B on the case over the next few
00:22:53
days we barely slept I honestly I don't know how you would that must be like the
00:22:59
most like violating feeling absolutely to think somebody two unknown men were in your house and have all your
00:23:08
information yes like I I feel that's awful yeah we barely slept pushed Furniture against the door at night and
00:23:15
patiently waited for the few and far between updates from police my boyfriend coped in his way denial dealing with the
00:23:22
logistics of insurance Etc I coped in my own way going full detective mode the sight of the Fe hitting my poor babies
00:23:29
as they ran for cover was was burned into my mind honestly that would [ __ ] me up too yeah if someone upset my my
00:23:36
animals yep I'd be so pissed oh you could fight me with these salid fingers fight me you can mess with me you can
00:23:43
steal our [ __ ] but you cannot [ __ ] with my cats exactly I reviewed the footage
00:23:48
over and over looking at every tiny detail I noticed that the intruders picked up the note of instructions I
00:23:53
left with the cats sitter reading it to each other and laughing [ __ ] you it's also like why is is that funny why why
00:23:59
would that be funny and like on H like what like what a dick I reported this to the police and they came and collected
00:24:07
the paper for evidence I also noted that my noticed that my boyfriend had been right about the door being unlocked I
00:24:12
can clearly see the cats that are leaving on Friday shutting the door and not locking the dead bolts fired she was
00:24:19
suspected to be involved at first but eventually determined to be simply incompetent and cleared by police
00:24:24
sometimes that's even worse yeah that really is Innocent but incompetent oof oof I obsessed over and I obsessed over
00:24:31
and messed with the footage enough to discover that there was in fact audio who [ __ ] you are everything you're a
00:24:39
detective you hell yeah it was staticky and hard to hear and I listened over and
00:24:43
over again with headphones to try to make out any clues finally I saw one of the men walk over to the camera and can
00:24:49
make out the following Hey Kevin there's a camera here idiots not only did they drop names directly in front of the
00:24:57
camera but they also left it there instead of taking it it's like why would you do that I mean I'm glad they did but
00:25:03
like why would be a special kind of dumb you sure do the footage was on a Micro SD card so if they' taken the camera we
00:25:09
would have had nothing to go off of they unplugged the camera at that time so we're not sure how long they were there
00:25:14
or what else they did chilling very chilling My Hope Is that they realized they [ __ ] up and noped out of there
00:25:20
immediately I forwarded the audio to the detective assigned to our case and this
00:25:24
is what finally allowed them to catch him turns out the cops had been following Kevin for several months
00:25:29
connect connected to multiple other robberies of homes schools businesses Etc they knew he was guilty but until
00:25:36
now they didn't have the hard evidence to convict him hell yeah a warrant was put out and Kevin was arrested for
00:25:41
multiple felony robberies soon after they searched his phone and found a conversation between him and some other
00:25:47
Shady character trying to pawn my diamonds can you imagine it was never found we expect that he ditched it along
00:25:53
with the other stolen items once he realized the police were on to him [ __ ] that guy fortunately my boyfriend is a
00:25:59
genius and bought insurance for the diamond so we got a replacement for free seriously we were both yeah we were
00:26:06
both called the testify in court and despite being totally hyped about getting on the stand they did not
00:26:12
question me only my boyfriend stupid total bummer he doesn't even like True Crime there was also no city-wide parade
00:26:18
or official commendations for me to single-handedly solving the case which I feel I deserved you did I also feel you
00:26:24
deserve should we have one retroactively I think we should let's do it anyway Kevin isn't jail now and though my sense
00:26:29
of security in my home is forever damaged we're doing okay we moved into a new house pack back in my Pennsylvania
00:26:35
Hometown to be closer to my family after my mom passed I spent too far too much money on a home security system love you
00:26:42
simply safe Simply Safe but it's worth it for the peace of mind we are now married and the cats are currently
00:26:48
looking at at BBS outside the window outside the window and enjoying the cool fall weather whether you read this or
00:26:55
not it was a cathartic to write it all down I'm glad y thank you for giving me and many others a safe space to sh share
00:27:01
our stories Molly Molly we love you you always have a safe space here my friends
00:27:05
oh you're safe forever here all of you I'm so sorry that your sense of like security and safety in your own home was
00:27:12
rocked from that cuz I understand why it was the same thing would have happened to me yeah that would have freaked me
00:27:18
the [ __ ] out damn Molly I know you went through it girl but I'm so glad that your man's got insurance on the ring yes
00:27:24
that was smart he's a smart guy smart guy he's a smart guy [Music] smart guy we're in the right era I love
00:27:32
it we're staying in the right era in the right era oh my nose is ACH era era that
00:27:37
was funny sorry my nose got itch you at a really inopportune time ER eror there you go there you go all right my next
00:27:45
one is from uh Eli Eli Eli hello you wonderful ladies my name is Eli you can use my name I've been listening since
00:27:55
day one and have introduced all my or excuse me many family and friends to you lovely so not all of them not all of
00:28:01
them not all of them all right just kidding we'll forgive you it's okay I'm so proud of all you two have
00:28:07
accomplished in these last years thank you you girl has brought me so many laughs so many tears and even tears from
00:28:12
laughing I look forward to hearing new episodes every week uh you are my podcast drug of choice a I love you Ela
00:28:19
I know we love you I am also a Massachusetts gal more details to come hell yeah I'm not the greatest at
00:28:25
writing so please bear with me you're actually really good at writing and really funny I was crying when I read
00:28:30
this of laughter of laughter of laughter without any more gushing here's my tale of the
00:28:36
time a demonic man parked his way into my apartment I'm obsessed with this already back in my early 20s I left home
00:28:43
because I wanted to change I met a guy when I went on a trip to Canada and we hit it off I decided not to go back home
00:28:49
much to the shock of my family job and Friends [ __ ] you only live once right YOLO here I am in Montreal on my own for
00:28:55
the first time ever we got a uh a place in a big apartment condo you know the type multiple floors multiple apartments
00:29:02
on each floor your typical Seinfeld situation where you have to be buzzed into the building and all that jazz my
00:29:08
apartment was on the first level but there was an entire Garden level below those are air quotes I like to that air
00:29:15
quotes with the Salad Finger you're welcome uh every apartment on the first level all the way up to the top level
00:29:22
which uh was I think eight had these mini balconies off the living room on this day after staying up way too late
00:29:29
playing video games I decided to call it a night around 1:00 a.m. ah the before children days I head to my bedroom and
00:29:35
get ready for bed not more than a few seconds after I lay down I hear this loud yelling coming from the alleyway
00:29:41
between my building and the ones next to mine picture this Alleyway like a sideways t-shape Looking Out My Window
00:29:48
there were two buildings and an alley between them leading directly to my unit the yelling was so disturbing it was no
00:29:55
spoken language I had ever heard of it was seriously demonic the voice was deep raspy but had this sharp edge to it the
00:30:03
type that would make you want to cover your ears the words made absolutely no sense at all now me being the nosy ass
00:30:09
[ __ ] I am I immediately jump out of bed and go peep out the curtains to see what
00:30:13
the actual [ __ ] is going on hell yeah I would have done the same thing oh I'm if
00:30:17
I hear a commotion out the curtains I peek oh yeah I'm going to go vacuum the grass literally like I got to know
00:30:22
what's going on I love those Tik Tok videos when people will start doing that like sweeping the grass I love it well
00:30:28
there's a man running down the alley toward my building uhoh he's waving his arms all over but that is as much as I
00:30:34
would I could make out it was extremely dark and there's minimal Lighting in that area as he's making his way toward
00:30:40
the building a car turns in the alley behind him it had Sirens so clearly it was the police chasing said man the
00:30:46
entire time he shrieking this ungodly noise heading straight toward what seemed like me oh mhm now at ground
00:30:55
level there's a small retaining wall it's literally like 3 ft tall and he jumps on it and leaps up to grab the
00:31:02
bottom of my balcony no yes no yes did you [ __ ] your pants Eli I would have cuz I would [ __ ]
00:31:09
my pants Eli says which by the way is a solid 15 to 20 feet up and I don't know if he TR was truly possessed or not but
00:31:16
I [ __ ] you not he hoisted himself up like he was an Olympic pole jumper without a pole what the [ __ ] he just had
00:31:22
like a 20 foot vertical like what's going on some Street parkour American Ninja Warrior get that man a contract
00:31:29
somewhere like what the hell I ran right to my night table where I happened to have stashed an 8 in blade in the drawer
00:31:35
oh casual things that's Eli right there and pull it out yeah I pull it out just pull it right out just in case I know I
00:31:42
said I would mention this but I'm from this wonderful little gem of a city called Brockton oh have you guys ever
00:31:48
seen the menu go watch the menu go watch the menu now I know you two gorgeous ladies most likely know about this
00:31:54
special little [ __ ] hole but the rest of the world probably doesn't feel free to
00:31:58
insert whatever oh now that was amazing I basically grew up in an area where you sleep with one eye
00:32:07
open in nicer terms yeah it's called the city of Champions but that's far from what it is Champion to any other Brock
00:32:15
tonians don't come for me you know it's true so knife welding me run you know ick if you know Brockton you know you
00:32:22
know ubic oh so knife wielding me runs into my living room as my balcony screen door opens and
00:32:33
the inner door is being rammed on by this demon [ __ ] yes this [ __ ] is still chanting damn I know you're
00:32:39
probably thinking hide don't run toward J toward danger but I don't know I just had this urge to Stand My Ground I'm not
00:32:45
going to be sometimes you get that urge you know sometimes you just like I feel like standing my ground today yeah just
00:32:50
I'm going to Stand My Ground right now sometimes it happens and Eli says I'm not going to be caught unprepared that's
00:32:55
right the locks give out and the door crashes in word no the demon rushes in he stops to look around and Survey the
00:33:02
situation we lock eyes imagine if imagine if you were like this I looked at him what if you were just like like
00:33:11
what if you just broke it and you were just like hey do you like Rusty Spoons honestly best home security system ever
00:33:24
right it's just always always be salad fingers at every moment cuz if somebody breaks in and you just rise out of bed
00:33:32
and just say I like Rusty Spoons what are you do they're going to get the [ __ ]
00:33:37
out of there like they're going to get the [ __ ] if you sit up and say it's almost
00:33:43
orgasmic they'll be like bye the next my salad fingers yep yeah they'll leave yeah it's true well little
00:33:51
tip from us to you yes it's safety tips well la la la la la I said to him while holding this knife don't [ __ ] try me
00:34:00
oh that's Eli right there that's my Eli right there Eli Eli's the whole city yep
00:34:07
Eli knows his screaming had come to a halt and it was so [ __ ] weirdly quiet he looked at the front door looked at me
00:34:15
the front door me and finally vaults over my coffee table to the front door fumbles with the lock gets it open and
00:34:22
runs into the building hallway then resume he said [ __ ] that he said [ __ ] that but then resumes his demonic murder
00:34:27
screaming again yeah he took a little pause yeah surveyed the situation and I was like I'll continue out
00:34:33
here they were words but not it's seriously hard to explain but terrifying oh I wish you had audio a why didn't you
00:34:40
get audio come on youi audio didn't happen this entire thing was only like 6 seconds tops but in the moment it felt
00:34:48
like forever now this would be the perfect time for me to shut my door lock it and crumble into a sob but n girl I
00:34:55
ran out into the hallway after him like who's for my broken door ladies ladies I don't know why I
00:35:02
felt like Zena Warrior Princess some Amazonian badass [ __ ] when the reality was a 21-year-old Puerto Rican 53 thick
00:35:12
and out of shape I'm obsessed with you seees I love you Eli Eli for life you just wait the end of this tale I was
00:35:18
crying I was crying at this point but then I started sobbing at the next part the demon runs straight into the
00:35:25
officers that yoke him up one officer runs to me he looked me up and down and at my knife which I immediately place on
00:35:32
the ground and held my hands up like I was the criminal or something he ushers me into my apartment to make sure I'm
00:35:38
okay and to get me out of the hallway as some neighbors had begun opening their doors to see what was happening hey did
00:35:45
I mention I was only wearing red panties so my [ __ ] coconut fig tip titties were just clapping in the wind can I say
00:35:53
that can I I just love can I say that [ __ ] you could say that you could sing that you can speak that in a poem you
00:36:01
could that's Eli so so had their own Eli Eli had their own security you know uh system in place Eli I'm obsessed with
00:36:14
you your yabo saved you your Yos I'm so we love your Yos in in fact we love them
00:36:21
I mean listen it was bedtime oh whoops what did I mention I was only wearing like the way did I mention my coconut
00:36:29
titties were flapping the fact that this demon [ __ ] came walking into like busting through your house like the
00:36:35
Kool-Aid man and you're standing there in red underwear holding an 8 in knife and you just said like don't even
00:36:43
[ __ ] try me Queen he said Queen he said I will not get her a goddamn Crown you are a
00:36:51
warrior princess oh you are the off uh sorry in asteris after covering my goodies with a throbing
00:36:58
the officer takes a small statement from me helps get the door back in place offers to bring me to a friends all that
00:37:03
stuff but I told him I was fine I'd be okay yeah he's we're good so he left I baced my living room for a few more
00:37:09
minutes trying to get my heart rate to slow the [ __ ] down and finally go into my room and get into bed here's the best
00:37:14
part of this entire [ __ ] crazy story reached the best part no my man's rolls over and puts his arm around me and says
00:37:21
what language was that I am laughing so hard typing this part yes ladies this [ __ ]
00:37:30
country boy that grew up in the middle of nowhere kept his grown ass man self in bed in bed while I'm [ __ ] knife
00:37:39
welding Samurai and keeping us safe my response to him no idea but I think it was satanic while he blissfully went
00:37:48
back to snoring the fact that he just rolled over was like what language was that what do you think you was saying
00:37:54
like where and where were you and where were through [ __ ] wall like what hello
00:38:00
they just broke our front door down damn damn Eli I knew from that day on if we ever had a family and [ __ ] went down I'd
00:38:09
have to be the one to protect us yeah Eli for life but that's all for my story of my thick ass naked Hispanic lady face
00:38:15
off first parkour demon parkour demonic Banshee man I didn't die so that's a bonus that's a huge bonus in my eyes
00:38:23
thank you so much for reading I grew up in the Bridgewater Triangle and currently live back back here raising my
00:38:28
little family I got lots of spooky and scary stories I could share including my dad almost being murdered in front of me
00:38:34
the amount of blood will forever be a memory I can't forget oh Brockton or that wasn't me that was Eli or when my
00:38:41
mom's cousin came over and asked what dress she should wear if she died when in fact she actually had died the day
00:38:46
before and was wearing said dress my mom picked out at the funeral days later or
00:38:51
the time my friends and I got attacked in the Woods by a group of men and had to ask for help from a nudist Colony
00:38:58
yeah I have some Tails send us all of them Eli one puer I'm not kidding you tail one tail two tail three ta four
00:39:06
give them all all Ts every tail it's the holiday season yeah give us so we can take it I I want a full put a I want a
00:39:15
whole I want a bag full like this of those Tales an Eli episode an Eli episode I'll we'll do a whole episode on
00:39:22
Eli yeah send us all those Tales like threaten me with a good time well keep it weird ladies I hope to attend a live
00:39:30
show in the future peace out and love always Eli Eli Eli for [ __ ] life life Eli for life damn Eli that was amazing
00:39:43
so those were our whole [Music] Invasion that's my computer that's my whole computer that's my computer what you
00:39:58
don't she doesn't have a burglar alarm if you installed one this wouldn't happen what I'm just a sound this you're
00:40:06
ridiculous Sims 1 players will know a you guys only Sims one players in these streets will get I love doing video
00:40:14
listener Tales so much just the fact that what day is today is it a Wednesday yeah it's just a Wednesday it's just a
00:40:20
[ __ ] Wednesday and I just I sent this to my family group chat and they were like this is amazing like what and I was
00:40:26
like yeah sometimes it's hard to explain what my job is yeah we C I came out of the room for a second and John was like
00:40:33
oh just just working it's going to work I love it I was like what and that's because of you guys and we're hella
00:40:41
thankful for you we love you we want to smooch your faces we do I want to steal your faces we neglect it don't steal
00:40:49
their faces that's [ __ ] ter that's what I do I want to steal your face you're like the queen from [ __ ] uh
00:40:54
what's that movie that you won't let your kids watch and they want to watch oh return to ODS
00:40:59
yeah uh princess Momi I was so close I was more on like a sweet life Ted MOS no I wasn't there either I was on a Sweet
00:41:09
Life of Zach and Cody Mr Mosby thing oh there you go that's where I was well the
00:41:13
princess Momi Momi yeah freaky I just think it's weird that you're going to steal their faces um but
00:41:20
we neglected to mention that this is Thanksgiving today Thanksgiving while you're watching this so you know we're
00:41:26
thankful for you and and Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Thanksgiving and turkey and sweet potatoes and whatever
00:41:32
else oh I'm so excited for your Thanksgiving alen's definitely going to have to post some recipes because that
00:41:37
[ __ ] I will I'll post recipes and I'm oh I have something that I'm going to do
00:41:42
I just please cut that out I have some no you should not please such a dainty one cut it out so dainty we can
00:41:53
leave it in I have something [ __ ] it I'm real I have something that I'm going to
00:41:58
do um on Thanksgiving and I'll show you I like that on Thanksgiving I'll show you I like that a lot I'm going to dress
00:42:04
like this at Thanksgiving just to be provocative provocative I like it right yeah yeah it provokes emotion doesn't it
00:42:12
absolutely it's very provocative I think it does you can't see me I'm salid fingers well we love you and we love
00:42:22
doing this we hope you keep listening and we hope you keep it weird but not so weird that you don't
00:42:31
have salad for fingers I love salad and I love having Salad Fingers what is she going to steal now
00:42:44
[Applause] [Music] w [Music]