00:00:00
I'm trying to live in the 140s. Don't be
00:00:02
mad. So, what I do is
00:00:04
>> 140s. I check chicks that are 140. My
00:00:07
dad when I was a kid, anytime you ever
00:00:10
saw two dudes together, you go, "Look at
00:00:12
these two gay guys." And then one day I
00:00:14
go, "Do you think they're saying that
00:00:15
about us?" And he goes, "Oh god, I hope
00:00:18
not."
00:00:19
>> You find out that a lot of your friends,
00:00:22
>> they like you where you are.
00:00:24
>> THEY LIKE YOU WHERE YOU ARE.
00:00:25
>> YEAH. Let's not get crazy.
00:00:28
>> This is the third time I've texted you.
00:00:29
I swear to God if you don't reply, I'm
00:00:32
gonna come to your house, inject AIDS
00:00:34
into you, and light your house on fire
00:00:36
and kill your children. The next test,
00:00:38
my bad. That was for my sister.
00:00:43
>> All right, Dana, we had Bert Chryser uh
00:00:46
on. I think on again, right? He's been
00:00:48
on before.
00:00:49
>> It was our second time. We did it a few
00:00:50
couple months ago and we did it in the
00:00:54
studio where you're sitting for flying
00:00:56
along.
00:00:56
>> Oh, yeah. um
00:00:58
>> up close and personal.
00:00:59
>> We all took our shirts off as an homage.
00:01:02
>> No, I didn't. I was uh requested to keep
00:01:05
mine on uh by America.
00:01:08
>> Yeah, I took my shirt off and you looked
00:01:10
over and it I don't want to talk out of
00:01:12
school, but you did faint.
00:01:15
>> Is that why I fainted? Oh, yeah.
00:01:17
>> You fainted and Heather kind of caught
00:01:19
you. But anyway, let's get back to Bert
00:01:21
Chryser, our guest.
00:01:22
>> Bert Chryser. Free Bird is the show on
00:01:25
Netflix. Uh, we talk about everything up
00:01:28
and down and also the casting for the
00:01:30
show, how he got into it, what the
00:01:31
show's about and it looks like a fun
00:01:34
show. I watched some of it yesterday.
00:01:36
Um, so I think this is kind of what
00:01:39
people want to hear about Bert right
00:01:41
now.
00:01:42
>> You had a nice time.
00:01:44
>> I had a nice time. It's always very
00:01:46
interesting how him and he and Tom
00:01:48
Sigura are friends and have their
00:01:49
podcasts, how just smart they are just
00:01:53
about the way to be in show business,
00:01:57
you know, and Bird is very humble about
00:01:59
it, you know, he's kind of sheepish
00:02:02
about his stand up, but he's a great
00:02:03
standup because he kills consistently
00:02:06
for an hour. Um, and he still looks
00:02:09
pretty good with a shirt off, I'll say.
00:02:11
>> Yeah, he's one of those guys that
00:02:12
doesn't look super gross with his shirt
00:02:14
off. Some people you see the shirt off
00:02:16
and you go that's not fair. That's not
00:02:18
fair to us.
00:02:18
>> Well, still fairly solid, but if you
00:02:21
jump up and down on the stage and then
00:02:22
there's movement for a long time, that's
00:02:25
when you put the shirt on. The thing
00:02:26
that surprised me about this podcast was
00:02:28
he went pantless as well, which I would
00:02:30
you don't see that, but he's got
00:02:32
incredibly strong legs.
00:02:35
>> Well, see for yourself. Here we go,
00:02:37
guys. Bert Chryser,
00:02:40
>> which ones? It's a good start. Well,
00:02:42
should we are we are we recording?
00:02:45
>> Always recording productions.
00:02:46
>> You're a cocktail of of
00:02:48
>> Mr. Crash.
00:02:50
>> Take my BPC 157 before I go to bed. I'm
00:02:54
on Mjaro. I'm on testosterone. I'm on
00:02:56
Metformin. I'm on everything.
00:02:58
>> Oh, good. Maro.
00:02:59
>> Mjaro is
00:03:00
>> not Zepbound.
00:03:01
>> I think that's what it is, right?
00:03:03
>> I don't know. There's
00:03:03
>> no It's like the teptide or whatever.
00:03:05
>> Is it like the commercial?
00:03:07
>> Oh, do they show you throwing up and
00:03:08
[ __ ] blood? No. We're all supposed
00:03:11
to be micro doing it. So
00:03:13
>> I'm micro doing it.
00:03:14
>> You're micro doing Okay.
00:03:16
>> Major,
00:03:17
>> it What What's it doing for you? Is it
00:03:19
>> takes your sparkle away?
00:03:21
>> Okay.
00:03:21
>> Well, does it take away your appetite?
00:03:22
Is that the
00:03:23
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The thing
00:03:24
that drives you.
00:03:25
>> Yeah. I think it drives life.
00:03:26
>> So everything that's fun goes away. It's
00:03:28
incredible. It's cheap, too.
00:03:30
>> It turns into a dial tone.
00:03:32
>> It's a kind of dystopian uh
00:03:35
>> thing. You got You lose the weight, but
00:03:37
you got no joy in life. It's kind of a
00:03:39
what you call it classic tradeoff.
00:03:41
>> When does this fjaro kick in?
00:03:45
>> I think the second hour of this podcast.
00:03:48
>> Yeah. Well, obviously we're both on it.
00:03:51
>> Yeah, you guys are What is it? What is
00:03:53
it like? You You're going to eat your
00:03:55
entire life. You can eat Taco Bell every
00:03:57
meal.
00:03:57
>> I really I can't anymore, but I will
00:03:59
tell you.
00:03:59
>> What do you mean you can't anymore? For
00:04:00
a while,
00:04:02
>> I do get skinny fat and uh that's no
00:04:04
good. A lot of
00:04:06
>> a lot of whispers. Dennis Miller used to
00:04:09
call it a cash register. Because he
00:04:11
goes, "Spudley, I'm getting a [ __ ]
00:04:12
cash register here. I got NCitis. Gotus
00:04:16
in my milkus." You know,
00:04:18
>> so we can't be But Dana's always been
00:04:20
pretty straight,
00:04:20
>> but it's all calculated.
00:04:22
>> I for a small frame 128 in high school,
00:04:25
you know, I was 165.
00:04:28
>> So what I started to do because I'd
00:04:30
never weighed myself and I did Blue
00:04:32
Thunder with James Fantino. Look it up.
00:04:34
First time around catering for six
00:04:36
months. Yes. I bought that at 7-Eleven.
00:04:39
Throw in joke. Go ahead.
00:04:40
>> This is good. This is why we This is why
00:04:42
we work. I'm sad.
00:04:43
>> Tell the story. No, but anyway, so then
00:04:46
I I gained 20 pounds.
00:04:49
>> So after that, I just weigh myself every
00:04:51
day.
00:04:51
>> Yeah. Well, that's the key. You got to
00:04:52
weigh yourself every day.
00:04:54
>> That's because if you don't, that's when
00:04:55
you gain weight.
00:04:56
>> So I I'm trying to live in the 140s.
00:04:59
Don't be mad. So what I do is
00:05:01
>> 140s. I [ __ ] chicks that are 140.
00:05:04
I got stools that weigh 140 over here,
00:05:07
you know. So, what I do is I step on a
00:05:09
digital scale. I don't punish myself. If
00:05:11
I want to go on vacation or party, I'll
00:05:13
bring it down a little bit. So, I just,
00:05:15
you know, cowardice. I don't want to
00:05:18
wake up and go, I got to [ __ ] lose 30
00:05:20
lbs. Terrified. So, just maintenance.
00:05:23
We'll talk after the podcast. This a
00:05:26
little deep for, you know, for guys like
00:05:28
me. I I did the same thing and it sounds
00:05:30
crazy but with like drugs like in 90s
00:05:33
2000 where I would take some and people
00:05:36
go just be careful you don't get
00:05:37
addicted. So I would keep drinking and
00:05:39
drugs sort of in check because I always
00:05:42
knew I'd have to come back to zero
00:05:44
because you're never going to you're not
00:05:46
going to stay in show that long. I'm not
00:05:47
talented enough to stay that long if
00:05:51
>> so you go up and you go oh I took a
00:05:53
Viking a day and then you go my friend
00:05:54
takes six a day. He's [ __ ] up all the
00:05:56
time. It's great. I'm like, I know, but
00:05:58
then I got to go backwards. So, I can't,
00:05:59
you know, if you you can always quit a
00:06:01
little bit. It's a little easier.
00:06:03
>> But if you're the more I mean, you drink
00:06:05
probably more than drug thing, but I
00:06:07
used to drink a little more than I do
00:06:09
now, and then I had to slowly reel it
00:06:12
in. It was never super horrible, but it
00:06:14
is it's easier to come back to zero if
00:06:16
you're not too far away.
00:06:18
>> I've always I'm always shocked when
00:06:19
people have like a real drinking
00:06:21
problem. Like, I'm always blown away by
00:06:23
like cuz I drink a lot. I'm a big
00:06:25
drinker, but like when you see someone
00:06:27
who's like shaking and then just getting
00:06:29
into their mouth and you're like,
00:06:31
"Whoa."
00:06:32
>> Right. Like it's been an hour and they
00:06:33
need something.
00:06:34
>> Yeah. Like that can happen
00:06:35
>> and like that cuz I I've never Or like
00:06:38
there's people that can't quit drinking,
00:06:40
they got to go into detox. That's always
00:06:42
shocking for me.
00:06:43
>> So can you do like two weeks hard and
00:06:45
then you take 10 days you just don't
00:06:46
really drink?
00:06:47
>> Yeah. Or you know I do I'm healthier on
00:06:50
the road. That sounds crazy because I
00:06:53
won't drink until for me it's about the
00:06:54
witching hour. Like if I'm at home and
00:06:57
then sun starts setting,
00:06:58
>> I go, "Hey, let's uh rules."
00:07:00
>> Yeah, let's let's open a bottle of rosé.
00:07:02
What are we doing? What are we doing?
00:07:04
>> But if I'm on the road, I I won't have
00:07:05
my first drink until like 9:30 cuz I
00:07:07
don't I don't Yeah,
00:07:08
>> I got that's when I'm done. And if I'm
00:07:10
doing theaters and you do two a night, I
00:07:12
won't drink until 12:30. So
00:07:14
>> you do two shows a night
00:07:15
>> if I do a theater. Yeah.
00:07:16
>> [ __ ]
00:07:17
>> Yeah, that's big money. God,
00:07:19
>> that's big money. I couldn't do it.
00:07:21
>> Okay. I want to give you one little last
00:07:22
health thing and we can move on to your
00:07:24
career and stuff. Um, the solution to
00:07:28
pollution is dilution.
00:07:31
>> Whoa.
00:07:32
>> Are you talking water?
00:07:33
>> Yeah.
00:07:34
>> So, if you're going to drink, so before
00:07:36
you start drinking
00:07:37
>> Yes.
00:07:38
>> before you crack that first beer or
00:07:40
whatever for sunset, you have 16 ounces
00:07:42
of water.
00:07:43
>> Yeah.
00:07:43
>> It's all diluted. Your whole all your
00:07:45
organs, liver, kidneys. Yeah. before and
00:07:47
then during throw a party. It the
00:07:50
effects of alcohol will be diluted and
00:07:53
the the taxiness on your body. So the
00:07:56
solution to pollution is dilution. So
00:07:58
water
00:07:58
>> should be a [ __ ] shirt. What I do is
00:08:00
I take I I wish I had a picture of it.
00:08:03
>> I take liquid deaths
00:08:05
>> and I put them all on my headboard.
00:08:08
>> I line my whole headboard up with liquid
00:08:10
deaths.
00:08:10
>> Okay. And then you always have
00:08:12
>> And then right before I go to bed, I
00:08:13
murder four.
00:08:14
>> Murder four.
00:08:15
>> Oh, right. And then but you have to get
00:08:16
up a lot.
00:08:17
>> Yeah. But then every time I have to pee,
00:08:19
I murder one. So I pee throughout the
00:08:21
night. I I wake up probably like four
00:08:23
times a night,
00:08:23
>> which is fine. Which is fine. Yeah.
00:08:25
>> It's kind of nice to wake up at two and
00:08:26
go, "Oh, it's only two."
00:08:28
>> It's better than being dehydrated. It's
00:08:29
better to wake up because you drank so
00:08:31
much water. Um
00:08:32
>> and then what I do is I take them. This
00:08:34
is my favorite part is I throw them in
00:08:36
the air like a king
00:08:37
>> wherever they land.
00:08:38
>> Where and I hear ding ding ding ding.
00:08:39
>> Who gives up?
00:08:40
>> So I was doing this TV show. I was doing
00:08:42
this TV show Free Bird and we were in
00:08:44
Atlanta. We were in uh we were in uh the
00:08:46
fourth down in Atlanta. Beautiful hotel.
00:08:49
>> My wife and I had our own rooms. It was
00:08:50
so great.
00:08:51
>> And then every night I have my all my
00:08:53
liquid desks up on thing and I throw
00:08:55
them in the air and I throw them in the
00:08:56
air. The last day of shooting our
00:08:59
director, we're like, "Hey, did you like
00:09:00
the hotel?" And he's like, "Yeah." But
00:09:02
there's this guy in the middle of the
00:09:03
night just moving furniture or chains.
00:09:05
>> Oh my god. And it was you.
00:09:08
>> I go, "What room are you in?" He goes,
00:09:09
"311." I go, "I'm in 411." I go, "Can I
00:09:13
show you what I do?" And I brought him
00:09:14
up to my room. The forest covered in
00:09:17
cans and he's like,
00:09:19
>> I couldn't sleep all [ __ ] month.
00:09:20
>> Oh my god. Jeez. So weird. The next
00:09:23
night you're like, "Oh, this could be so
00:09:24
great." Like 2001, the ape throws a
00:09:26
bone. Oh, my friend. [ __ ] So I You
00:09:30
didn't need my little solution to
00:09:32
>> Oh, no. But I love I I'm a big proponent
00:09:35
of I didn't start drinking water. This
00:09:37
sounds crazy and I know that sounds like
00:09:39
a plug for liquid death. I didn't start
00:09:40
drinking water until liquid death.
00:09:42
>> Yeah.
00:09:42
>> Because of the delivery system, right?
00:09:44
>> Everything's about delivery systems in
00:09:46
life. Like even comedy these days, the
00:09:48
delivery system I think be comedy got so
00:09:51
broad and so so popular because the
00:09:53
delivery system got so accessible.
00:09:55
Meaning, you know, like the the delivery
00:09:57
system for nicotine with cigarettes for
00:09:59
so long or chewing tobacco and it turned
00:10:00
people off because it was gross. The
00:10:02
second it turned into Zins, everyone's
00:10:03
like, "Chicks are doing it." They're
00:10:04
like,
00:10:04
>> "Something's cool." Yeah. So, what's the
00:10:06
new delivery?
00:10:06
>> Liquid death is cool. Comedy. Tik Tok,
00:10:09
Instagram, podcasts. It's not just go.
00:10:12
When you guys started,
00:10:15
>> the only delivery system for comedy was
00:10:18
either uh late even at the improv,
00:10:21
Carson, or going to an actual comedy
00:10:23
club. That was
00:10:24
>> now the delivery system is Instagram,
00:10:26
Tik Tok, YouTube,
00:10:28
>> Netflix, HBO Max, comedy clubs,
00:10:30
theaters, uh every I mean comedyy's
00:10:33
everywhere now. Yeah.
00:10:33
>> So, which the biggest one for you if you
00:10:35
had to pick one social media site to
00:10:37
post stuff on?
00:10:38
>> Oh, I only I'm only paying attention to
00:10:40
Instagram. I'm
00:10:41
>> Oh,
00:10:41
>> I Tik Tok is I I have a Tik Tok, but I
00:10:44
don't touch it. My team runs it. Uh I
00:10:46
have YouTube. I'm never on YouTube. I'm
00:10:47
on YouTube. My algorithm on YouTube is
00:10:50
like said the thing I watched the most
00:10:52
was about uh wars and uh documentaries
00:10:55
on history.
00:10:56
>> Oh, that's not mine.
00:11:00
>> Uh
00:11:00
>> what's your algorithm? His is porn more.
00:11:03
No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That was
00:11:05
that joke. He's kind of he's kind of
00:11:07
walking through all of them, guys. Uh,
00:11:09
>> no. I uh, by the way, is is Instagram
00:11:12
turning into the new Facebook? That's
00:11:14
what I'm worried about because Facebook
00:11:17
>> is for old people. Um, I guess we're
00:11:19
old, but uh, not you, but uh,
00:11:21
>> we're the same age,
00:11:23
>> are we? Yeah.
00:11:23
>> Yeah. 53.
00:11:24
>> 30. Oh, okay.
00:11:26
>> I was thinking about driving over. I go,
00:11:27
I kind of grew up with you. Like you I
00:11:30
grew up with you, but you're you're like
00:11:32
uh you're like younger than my dad,
00:11:34
>> but you're like a older older brother,
00:11:37
>> right? Yeah. No, I'm Yeah, probably.
00:11:39
>> You're 70, I think.
00:11:40
>> Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:40
>> Yeah.
00:11:41
>> And then but I but I
00:11:42
>> But you know how old I grew up with you?
00:11:44
He's got to be 53.
00:11:45
>> Yeah. 53.
00:11:48
Yeah, he's 53. How old is Sigura?
00:11:52
>> I don't know. Like 49, 47. He looks
00:11:55
older than me.
00:11:56
>> Pretty good, man. This is This guy's
00:11:58
happy right now. Why Why can't you stop
00:12:00
smiling?
00:12:01
>> Because I'm 54.
00:12:05
>> Your new nickname is 54.
00:12:07
>> Look at that [ __ ] watch, by the way.
00:12:09
>> Is it a rolly?
00:12:10
>> Yeah.
00:12:12
>> So, you're like,
00:12:14
>> "Yeah, watches are coming back, though.
00:12:17
>> I don't like to flaunt."
00:12:18
>> Do you have security with that watch? I
00:12:20
mean, in LA,
00:12:21
>> you know, I got to So, I'm going to be
00:12:23
very honest.
00:12:24
>> Good. I had a I had an identity crisis
00:12:26
at a certain point in my career when I
00:12:28
started making money. And I watched all
00:12:29
my friends that were making money. Not
00:12:31
change. I don't want to say change, but
00:12:34
>> become rich people. They started flying
00:12:36
planes and driving race cars and buying
00:12:39
cars and buying houses and and like
00:12:41
they'd buy houses that were furnished. I
00:12:43
was like, "What?" Like,
00:12:44
>> "Oh, can you do that?"
00:12:46
>> Yeah. They'd be like, "We'll take it.
00:12:47
Keep the furniture.
00:12:48
>> Oh, keep the like staging furniture."
00:12:50
>> Yeah. And so, and I was still the same,
00:12:53
like just wearing t-shirts and jeans and
00:12:55
flip-flops,
00:12:56
>> wearing hats. I didn't I wasn't spending
00:12:58
my money on anything. I didn't care. I
00:12:59
don't really care about cars. And one
00:13:02
day, I was sitting in with a group of my
00:13:04
friends and everyone had Rolexes on. And
00:13:06
they were telling stories about buying
00:13:07
each other Rolexes for gifts.
00:13:10
>> And I was like, I want a [ __ ] Rolex.
00:13:12
Yeah.
00:13:12
>> And I was like, I should get a Rolex. I
00:13:14
got to I got to act like a grown-up. So,
00:13:15
I got my first Rolex. And I loved it. I
00:13:17
loved it. I would look at it. It was a
00:13:19
Submariner. I got it in Vegas and I I
00:13:21
would look at it and it would cheer me
00:13:23
up and then I became a little bit of a
00:13:25
watch guy, but I'm also not cuz I only
00:13:27
buy Rolexes.
00:13:29
>> Yeah.
00:13:29
>> So, I don't know anything about watches.
00:13:30
>> But you're kind of tan. You get you got
00:13:32
a good arm, thick arm, big watch. I
00:13:34
think that's cooler, I think, than a
00:13:36
little uh
00:13:38
>> like there's different ways. I I think
00:13:40
the way people always want to show a
00:13:42
little money when when the basketball
00:13:44
players walk in or the football players
00:13:46
walk in the beginning and it used to be
00:13:47
just through the tunnel, but now it's a
00:13:49
full fashion show and they have like a
00:13:50
little purse and they have like a skirt
00:13:52
on or whatever. You go, "What happened?
00:13:54
What's going on?"
00:13:55
>> And do you remember when they were like
00:13:56
they were dressing up almost like like
00:13:58
uh like gay guys? Like do you remember
00:14:01
Dwayne Wade were dressing like like it
00:14:03
would like tight tight pants like this
00:14:05
and you're like
00:14:06
>> I know. I don't know. I think they were
00:14:07
just dressing
00:14:12
You know,
00:14:13
>> I guess technically I'm dressed like a
00:14:14
gay guy. I'm sure there's a guy gay guy
00:14:16
wearing what I'm wearing.
00:14:17
>> You're like,
00:14:17
>> my dad USED TO SAY THAT WHEN
00:14:19
>> NO, you're a guy acting like you're not
00:14:21
gay. You're like, look, I look like Bert
00:14:23
Chryser.
00:14:24
>> I My dad when I was a kid, anytime you
00:14:27
ever saw two dudes together, you go,
00:14:29
"Look at these two gay guys." And then
00:14:30
one day I go, "Do you think they're
00:14:33
saying that about us?" And he goes,
00:14:34
>> "Oh god, I hope not."
00:14:36
>> I know. He finally goes, "I got,"Yeah,
00:14:38
every time I go to the airport, I go,
00:14:40
"Look at all these Bert Crushers here."
00:14:42
And when I was at the Barrett Jackson
00:14:43
car show, I go, "It's full of Bert
00:14:45
Crushers." Cuz it's a guy with a beard
00:14:47
and they got a hat and they're walking
00:14:48
through.
00:14:48
>> Oh, you go to my show and
00:14:51
>> everyone looks like me.
00:14:52
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bet.
00:14:52
>> I can almost You know what's crazy?
00:14:55
>> I can tell a fan of mine as they're
00:14:57
walking towards me, I'm like, "This
00:14:59
guy's gonna about to lose his shit."
00:15:00
>> Yeah.
00:15:01
>> But what's crazy is I went to Paris.
00:15:04
>> Okay. And I would see guys that would be
00:15:07
fans of mine, but they didn't know me.
00:15:09
>> And I wanted to go, "Hey, can I turn you
00:15:11
on to something I think you're going to
00:15:12
love?"
00:15:13
>> My whole career.
00:15:14
>> Hey, do you I think you're going to like
00:15:16
this because they'd have beers. They'd
00:15:18
be big fat guys drinking beers at a bar.
00:15:20
>> But you're still Netflix and stuff. Do
00:15:22
you go overseas? And do people know you?
00:15:24
Cuz I would I was always wondering, did
00:15:25
I go overseas?
00:15:26
>> Yeah, we do. I do uh Netherlands.
00:15:28
>> Oh, you do do shows.
00:15:30
>> Oh, yeah. Yeah, we do. I do a European
00:15:31
tour. I'll do one for this tour for
00:15:33
party. We do London, you know, all of
00:15:36
Europe, all of uh the UK, Ireland, hu
00:15:39
like Ireland's the craziest drinkers
00:15:41
with the Guinness and the drinking.
00:15:43
>> I mean, it was it's I think it's the O2
00:15:45
Arena is what it's called. It's not the
00:15:47
same thing. I forget
00:15:49
>> in Dublin.
00:15:49
>> In Dublin,
00:15:50
>> their version of the O2
00:15:51
>> and it they ran the show. The the Irish
00:15:56
ran the show. Like I got on stage with a
00:15:59
Guinness and I held it up in the air and
00:16:01
and they start going uh Ole, ole, ole,
00:16:05
o. And so I would start to drink and
00:16:08
they go
00:16:10
and then I'd be in the middle of a joke
00:16:12
and then you hear ole
00:16:15
o and another big they I got wasted on
00:16:18
stage and they are the ones who
00:16:20
basically orchestrated the show. It was
00:16:22
now same show Tom Sigura goes and was a
00:16:26
livid.
00:16:27
>> Oh yeah. When I was there they were
00:16:29
going he's gay. He's gay. He's gay. He's
00:16:31
gay. I'm like, "Me? Yeah, you're the
00:16:33
only guy up there, dude." Oh,
00:16:36
>> you know, every year, David, I think we
00:16:39
can unequivocally say this. We make
00:16:41
resolutions
00:16:42
>> that somehow never stick, right?
00:16:46
>> But this year, I've found the one
00:16:49
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00:16:52
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00:16:55
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00:18:11
When you drink on stage like that, do
00:18:13
you get pressure? I remember uh well
00:18:16
even Farley when he was everywhere we go
00:18:17
just walk by someone and they go hey sit
00:18:19
down have a drink with us everyone's
00:18:21
pulling even if he's 100% in rehab they
00:18:24
want to be the guy that either broke his
00:18:26
rehab or got drunk so no one gives a fat
00:18:28
[ __ ] if he's in rehab they're like no
00:18:29
come on man just one we'll do shots go
00:18:31
by and he was such a people pleaser he
00:18:33
would do them so you must give people a
00:18:35
want to drink with you when you're just
00:18:36
out and b on stage they send you drinks
00:18:39
or do you have to drink on stage every
00:18:41
time
00:18:41
>> like uh I won't drink anything that's
00:18:43
sent to me Ow. I mean, uh
00:18:44
>> Oh, right. It is weird. Yeah.
00:18:46
>> Is is But uh I always have a drink with
00:18:49
me on stage. Like usually I bring a
00:18:50
coffee and a poros and soda on stage,
00:18:52
but I won't touch the cocktail until I
00:18:55
start the machine store at the end of
00:18:57
the show. Oh,
00:18:57
>> okay.
00:18:58
>> And so, um cuz I'm working on something.
00:19:00
It's like, you know, it's like
00:19:01
>> it is hard to it's you have to have a
00:19:03
sharp clear head.
00:19:04
>> When I was did clubs, they were they
00:19:06
would send drinks non-stop. And my thing
00:19:09
when I was doing clubs, I never had I
00:19:11
never feel felt like I had job security.
00:19:13
You know, I never really sold tickets
00:19:14
until like later.
00:19:16
>> And so back in the day, if they sent
00:19:18
drinks, I knew that that would get them
00:19:19
drinking. And I knew David Tell one time
00:19:22
told me um he goes, "Where were you?"
00:19:25
And I said, "Last stop in Houston." He
00:19:26
goes, "How were the bar sales?" And I
00:19:28
went,
00:19:28
>> "Yeah, that's a part you don't think
00:19:29
because they look at that."
00:19:30
>> Yeah. He goes, "I don't know." And he
00:19:31
goes, "Let me tell you something about
00:19:32
Houston. That guy doesn't know comedy,
00:19:34
but what he does do is he checks the bar
00:19:35
tabs every night. If your bar sales are
00:19:38
bigger than the next guys, you're
00:19:39
definitely coming back.
00:19:40
>> Yeah, that's smart.
00:19:41
>> So, I would bring six-pack of Heinekans
00:19:43
on stage when I did clubs. I'd bring a
00:19:45
six-pack and I'd drink and I'd do shots
00:19:48
and and and I and then what I this was
00:19:51
the key. This was like job security 101.
00:19:55
I was in Chicago and I was in Tony
00:19:57
Baldino Club at Shamberg and
00:20:01
I and I said I said you know how much do
00:20:05
you make money if I bring people at the
00:20:07
bar after and stick around and drink?
00:20:08
And he goes, "Oh yeah."
00:20:10
>> So I started telling people, "Hey, after
00:20:12
the show don't leave. We're going to
00:20:13
drink at the bar. I'll do a meet and
00:20:14
greet. We hang out. We can take
00:20:15
pictures." And then I would say and then
00:20:18
I started coming up with gambling games
00:20:19
where I go, "All right, game of chance.
00:20:22
>> We got a ball. first person to put it
00:20:24
into the trash can from across the room.
00:20:26
It's a $20 buyin, $1 rebby. Let's go.
00:20:29
And like a hundred guys would stay. The
00:20:31
pot would be $2,000. And we
00:20:33
>> in the bar
00:20:34
>> in the bar and after the show and we'd
00:20:36
stay until 4 in the morning. And I'm the
00:20:39
second I did that,
00:20:40
>> I was it was like bar comedy clubs were
00:20:44
dying to have me. And then I did I mean
00:20:46
this was all like I got to be a honest
00:20:48
like it was a workaround cuz I was so
00:20:50
insecure that I wasn't as good as like a
00:20:53
Bill Burr or a David Tell or a David
00:20:56
Spade or a Dana Carvey. I was always
00:20:58
like cuz I took my shirt off. I'm a
00:21:00
party guy.
00:21:01
>> I would do this thing called the weight
00:21:03
staff raffle.
00:21:05
>> I mean clubs [ __ ] loved me. I would
00:21:08
take
00:21:09
>> I would say at the end of the show I'd
00:21:10
say, "Hey, I'm going to pass around a
00:21:11
hat. Whatever change you have, throw it
00:21:14
in. dollar, $20, whatever, and then
00:21:16
we're going to pick one name out of the
00:21:17
way staff and we're going to give that
00:21:18
person the money. It's going to change
00:21:19
our lives.
00:21:20
>> The first person we did it to the girl
00:21:23
was in Jersey cuz I I got like a $100
00:21:25
bonus and I was like, I could give it 10
00:21:26
bucks to everyone or just give a hundred
00:21:28
to one. So, I put a hundred in,
00:21:30
>> we collect $633 on one show on the first
00:21:33
time I did it.
00:21:34
>> Huge.
00:21:34
>> And the girl comes up
00:21:36
>> and she starts crying and she's pregnant
00:21:38
and she goes, "I get to buy the good car
00:21:40
seat now." And everyone's like, "Oh my
00:21:43
god. I I got the best one. This was the
00:21:45
best one. So, we're in
00:21:47
>> She said, "I get to have the baby now."
00:21:50
>> We're in Lexington, Kentucky. Now,
00:21:52
stereotypically, you never wanted a
00:21:53
black dude to win because
00:21:58
>> Okay.
00:21:59
>> Because because they didn't show
00:22:02
emotion.
00:22:03
>> You wanted the person to receive the
00:22:05
thing. No. Black guys were always like,
00:22:07
"Cool."
00:22:08
>> Okay.
00:22:08
>> One guy was like, "I'm going to get
00:22:09
sneakers." And you're like, "Now we feel
00:22:11
like we wasted our money.
00:22:13
[ __ ] house. Who goes the most?
00:22:14
>> You wanted a black chick to win. Always.
00:22:16
They always were. Oh, they had they
00:22:19
could and then then you go white chick
00:22:21
or any ethnicity, then white chick.
00:22:23
>> Yeah.
00:22:23
>> Then white dude. Black last dude. You
00:22:26
never wanted a black dude to win.
00:22:27
>> [ __ ]
00:22:28
>> So this guy I wish I could remember his
00:22:29
name.
00:22:30
>> Uh
00:22:31
>> I'm not going to guess.
00:22:32
>> He went guess.
00:22:34
>> I think I know.
00:22:35
>> Leius or something.
00:22:37
>> He I pull his name. Kevin, I think. I
00:22:39
don't think his name is Kevin. I pull
00:22:40
his name and he comes up and he's like
00:22:42
this. He's like, "Cool."
00:22:44
>> Okay.
00:22:44
>> And it was uh it was like $700. And I
00:22:47
go, "So, what are you going to spend the
00:22:49
money on?" He's like, "I'm good, man."
00:22:52
And I was like, "What are you going to
00:22:53
spend the money on?" And I go, "You seem
00:22:55
emotional."
00:22:57
He starts to tear up and I see it in his
00:22:59
eye. And he goes,
00:23:01
"Next week is my little girl's birthday,
00:23:04
and now I get to be the father she
00:23:06
thinks I am."
00:23:08
>> Cute. I start crying. He goes, "She
00:23:11
wanted a party. I couldn't throw a
00:23:13
party. Now I can throw a party and I can
00:23:15
buy her a present." And I was like,
00:23:17
>> and everyone started opening their
00:23:19
wallets
00:23:20
>> and walking up and giving him money. And
00:23:22
he's sobbing. I'm sobbing. The whole
00:23:24
room sobbing. I'm like, "Wow." I tell
00:23:26
that, right? I tell that to the weight
00:23:28
staff. The next place I'm in Pittsburgh.
00:23:30
Guy wins. He comes up on stage and he's
00:23:33
crying and I go, "You seem emotional."
00:23:36
He goes, "My son has cancer." I'm like,
00:23:38
"Oh my god." He goes, "This Christmas
00:23:40
it's going to be hard on our family, but
00:23:41
now I can bring my family in so they can
00:23:44
all spend his last Christmas together."
00:23:45
And we're like, "Holy sh" Everyone comes
00:23:47
up. Guy walks with like three grand. I
00:23:49
get done the show. He comes in the green
00:23:50
room. He goes, "And the Oscar goes to
00:23:53
you."
00:23:55
>> What a dick.
00:23:56
>> And then I stopped doing it. I WAS LIKE,
00:23:57
I CAN'T do this. This sucks.
00:23:59
>> But yeah, the black dude was the best.
00:24:00
The black dude was the best.
00:24:01
>> I almost gave him money.
00:24:04
>> He just walks in. because I'm god smack.
00:24:06
I don't know of any stand up that has
00:24:08
done this. That's
00:24:09
>> fantastic.
00:24:10
>> I was I looked I was like
00:24:11
>> it was any opportunity to do anything to
00:24:13
help just helps the show.
00:24:15
>> It was like I don't know. You always try
00:24:16
to tip the weight staff big.
00:24:18
>> Sure. Sure.
00:24:18
>> And so like uh
00:24:20
>> I don't know. I also I think once and
00:24:22
you know this was I think I always had
00:24:24
insecurity about my standup cuz I didn't
00:24:26
know why people were coming to see me,
00:24:28
you know? Like I I was like
00:24:29
>> like I I know I'm a good storyteller and
00:24:31
I know I'm I'm a I'm a good comic. I was
00:24:34
always fun on stage, but like like I
00:24:37
never got nominated for a Golden Globe
00:24:39
or or like an Emmy or any of that [ __ ]
00:24:41
for my standup. And I always thought my
00:24:42
specials are good. They track well. They
00:24:44
do well on Netflix, but I mean they get
00:24:46
big numbers,
00:24:47
>> but even when I say that, I kind of
00:24:50
cheat coded the system. Like
00:24:52
>> I heard two people saying that people
00:24:55
only watched 30 minutes of their special
00:24:58
>> there. And then Netflix said they only
00:24:59
watch first 30 minutes. That's why we're
00:25:01
doing 30 minutes
00:25:02
>> at the most. So on secret time,
00:25:04
>> I took my closer and I put it at 22
00:25:07
minutes. I was like, if they're not
00:25:08
going to I'm not going to put my best
00:25:10
joke at the end when no one hears it.
00:25:12
I'm put Yeah. when you're not watching.
00:25:13
>> So true. So true.
00:25:14
>> And then I took everything and I
00:25:15
frontloaded it. I in secret time the
00:25:18
first 30 minutes go by so quick cuz it's
00:25:22
I skinnied everything up, crammed it up,
00:25:24
>> and then it turns out people like Robbie
00:25:27
called and he was like, "Your retention
00:25:28
rate was like 97%."
00:25:31
97% of the people that watched your
00:25:32
special watch the whole [ __ ] thing.
00:25:34
>> And I was like, "Oh yeah,
00:25:36
>> because they're locked in."
00:25:37
>> Yeah. I cheated and I put my clothes are
00:25:39
at 22. And he was like, "What?"
00:25:40
>> Yeah.
00:25:41
>> Because it is. When I went into the
00:25:42
inner sanctum with Netflix, they gave me
00:25:44
that metric. I go, "I would have done
00:25:46
the whole thing different." Oh, yeah.
00:25:47
>> Because it's like you're doing a set and
00:25:49
if you're not holding them, the audience
00:25:50
is slowly starting to leave. Say you're
00:25:52
in a big room.
00:25:53
>> They're leaving and you got to get to
00:25:55
this certain,
00:25:56
>> you know, time where they're still
00:25:58
there. So, you would reorientate. I
00:26:00
don't know. Um, I'm going to call that
00:26:03
clever, smart, I don't know. What do you
00:26:05
call that mindset that you have to go
00:26:09
curiosity about how to hack things or
00:26:12
how to win basically, right?
00:26:13
>> I think I I' I've gotten compliments
00:26:16
from business people
00:26:17
>> on the way I've done my career.
00:26:19
>> Um, but you know, you always want to be,
00:26:21
you know, Sandler who doesn't
00:26:24
>> doesn't look like he tries.
00:26:25
>> Doesn't look like he tries, never stops
00:26:27
working.
00:26:28
>> Yeah. Like like you want to be like and
00:26:30
beloved by everyone. Everything he does
00:26:32
is the best thing anyone's ever [ __ ]
00:26:34
seen, you know? Like you want to be like
00:26:36
a tell not I mean or Chappelle they're
00:26:39
they're just geniuses. For me I was like
00:26:42
I think I got to do a little extra to
00:26:44
get to Genius. Like
00:26:46
>> I'll give you a perfect example. I put
00:26:48
my tour I put my f my first like big
00:26:52
tour on sale in theaters and they were
00:26:54
like
00:26:55
>> and like I [ __ ] agents calling me. I
00:26:58
mean people we know you're wrong. My not
00:27:01
my agent but you're wrong. You should
00:27:02
you're not ready for theaters. You're
00:27:03
not you're going to not it's you're
00:27:05
going to ruin your career. And I was
00:27:07
terrified. So, I took $1,200 and I did a
00:27:12
dance video
00:27:14
and and I I got this professional dancer
00:27:16
to teach me a dance and I did a dance
00:27:18
video and then I released my tour days
00:27:19
on the side and I started promoting my I
00:27:22
started promoting
00:27:23
>> dancing in the margin of the video and
00:27:25
the things are coming down and what are
00:27:27
you doing? What are you wearing? What
00:27:29
are you is it
00:27:29
>> speedo high tops?
00:27:31
>> Okay. High tops.
00:27:33
>> And so,
00:27:34
>> so it's a little bit of Chris Farley
00:27:35
vibes in a way.
00:27:36
>> Oh, yeah. And I did I did promo videos.
00:27:38
I like I I never
00:27:40
>> thought I could just put tickets on
00:27:42
sale. I thought you got I got to I got
00:27:44
to bring the razledazzle. I got a
00:27:46
marching band.
00:27:47
>> I paid a marching band like $2,400 to
00:27:50
come to my backyard and play rubber band
00:27:51
man
00:27:52
>> to do a promo.
00:27:54
>> Great song.
00:27:55
>> That's the only song they all knew.
00:27:56
>> So Tapper,
00:27:58
>> I had no plans. I just brought them
00:27:59
over. I was like I was like,
00:28:02
"Do you guys know a song?" And they're
00:28:04
like, "Uh, what what do you guys know?"
00:28:05
Oh, and one guy goes, "I know rubber
00:28:07
band man." And everyone goes, "I know
00:28:08
rubber band man." I was like, "Cool."
00:28:10
So, I sat him around my pool. I was in
00:28:12
my It looked like a regular promo read
00:28:14
and I was like, "I got a big
00:28:15
announcement and I blow a whistle and
00:28:16
then the drum guy comes out behind me
00:28:18
from my from my like in my backyard and
00:28:21
then I reveal the band and we start
00:28:23
dancing." But like I always I I guess
00:28:25
you could call it smart. I know that
00:28:27
I've had companies come to me
00:28:29
>> to use that side of my brain,
00:28:31
>> but I was I just, you know, I always
00:28:34
felt like I was cheap coating it.
00:28:36
>> Yeah. Yeah. You're trying.
00:28:37
>> When you were playing the Santa Barbara
00:28:39
Bowl, I saw a flyer and it did it the
00:28:42
flyer and I don't know, as guest stars
00:28:43
or whatever, felt like an event and a
00:28:47
party and more than a regular just one
00:28:49
guy with a mic talking,
00:28:51
>> you know? So,
00:28:52
>> like Nitro Circus used to be with
00:28:54
>> Travis, right? Like it's like, "Oh, this
00:28:56
is an event more than just let's just go
00:28:59
watch stand up."
00:29:00
>> Like it's like I tried to get you to do
00:29:01
the um Fully Loaded with Me Tour. Yeah.
00:29:04
>> Yeah. And and it and what it was is it's
00:29:08
you know, it was a heavy lift for me
00:29:10
because I I I have all these great
00:29:12
comics. I mean, you look at the list of
00:29:13
comics that have done Fully Loaded. It's
00:29:15
the best comics the world. Shane Gillis,
00:29:18
Big J Oerson, Stavi. I mean, it's the
00:29:20
best comics in the world. Yeah.
00:29:21
>> And
00:29:22
>> and I I did some crazy crazy event. We
00:29:25
we were the first people to ever do
00:29:26
stand up at the gorge, 35,000 people. I
00:29:29
mean, it was crazy. It was crazy. And I
00:29:31
loved the challenge. I loved the heavy
00:29:33
lift. I loved the I, you know, Jelly
00:29:35
Roll came out and tour with us. Uh, we
00:29:38
had Marcus King. We had I mean, it's
00:29:40
just wild wild events. And then uh but I
00:29:44
didn't realize like and I I was so
00:29:46
ambitious and so proud of my ambition
00:29:48
and and what I could do that I didn't
00:29:50
realize how many comics I was alienating
00:29:52
like because not everyone was invited.
00:29:54
And I
00:29:56
>> one night I was we were doing uh the
00:29:59
tennis arena in uh in where they used to
00:30:01
hold the US Open in Long Island.
00:30:03
>> They have it's a stage it's an outdoor
00:30:05
venue. It's beautiful.
00:30:06
>> And um someone came up to me and they
00:30:09
said why did you do this? like, "Can you
00:30:11
believe you did this?" And I said,
00:30:13
"Yeah, I can believe." And they go,
00:30:14
"What do you mean?" And I said, "Well, I
00:30:16
did it because I don't think I would
00:30:17
have ever been invited to do it." Like,
00:30:19
no one was gonna I never got invited to
00:30:20
Montreal or Aspen or I never got I never
00:30:23
got on uh the
00:30:24
>> Oddball. I never got invited to do that
00:30:26
tour.
00:30:27
>> I've never done Moon Tower. I've never
00:30:28
done I've never been invited to do
00:30:30
anything ever. Ever. Like that's a like
00:30:33
that's crazy. I've been successful for
00:30:36
27 years and I've never been invited to
00:30:39
do anything. So, I just had to create
00:30:41
them to do them. And then as I said
00:30:43
that, I realized, oh my god, I am doing
00:30:46
to other comics what was done to me.
00:30:48
>> Yeah. It's just the way it is. Do you
00:30:50
are you do you still feel like you're
00:30:52
the underdog? It's 100%. It's just part
00:30:54
of your brain.
00:30:55
>> I never feel Yeah. Yeah. I think I I'm I
00:30:57
think that's the thing that drives me. I
00:30:58
I have a very punitive brain.
00:31:02
>> Do better, Bert. Do better, Bert.
00:31:03
>> Oh, yeah. and puny
00:31:04
>> puny. No. Uh yeah, probably
00:31:08
like I'm I'm just very rough on myself.
00:31:10
Like this morning I was like this
00:31:12
morning I got up I party last night,
00:31:14
smoked a cigar, watched the new Sandler
00:31:16
George Clooney movie which is [ __ ]
00:31:17
amazing. It's so it's so [ __ ] good.
00:31:20
It's It shouldn't be that good. Those
00:31:23
two those two on the cover, you're like
00:31:25
a as a viewer, you're like this two guys
00:31:28
phoning it in. They wanted to spend time
00:31:30
together. They both wanted to go to
00:31:31
Rome, spend some time with their
00:31:33
families, bring the boys out, play a
00:31:34
little golf. It's so [ __ ] good.
00:31:37
>> It's George Clooney
00:31:39
>> brought his [ __ ] agame.
00:31:41
>> Like,
00:31:41
>> yeah,
00:31:42
>> I'm not saying that he hasn't always,
00:31:43
but he, you know,
00:31:44
>> sure,
00:31:45
>> sometimes.
00:31:45
>> Great director, too.
00:31:46
>> Well, you get
00:31:47
>> Noah Burnbach.
00:31:48
>> Yeah, I know. And you know, Adam and
00:31:50
Clooney probably get the pick of the
00:31:52
litter of all of scripts. So, especially
00:31:53
each one does, and they put them
00:31:55
together. So, great.
00:31:56
>> But sometimes that doesn't work.
00:31:57
>> When I saw the trailer, I thought,
00:31:58
"Yeah, they're in the pocket." And I saw
00:32:00
like 10 seconds.
00:32:01
>> He's already up for awards.
00:32:02
>> I I I I literally I you know, you sit
00:32:05
back and you're like
00:32:06
>> I I saw the Clooney Brad Pip one and
00:32:09
it's
00:32:09
>> Oh, wolves.
00:32:10
>> Yeah, it was okay. It was good. It was
00:32:12
funny. But
00:32:14
>> I'm like, yo, Brad Pitt and George
00:32:15
Clooney. [ __ ] come on.
00:32:17
>> The the the bar.
00:32:18
>> Well, I couldn't with Wolf. I wasn't
00:32:20
quite sure. They're just cool dudes and
00:32:22
there's a crime. This one is very
00:32:24
specific, you know, just like he's an
00:32:26
old, you know, and Clooney playing a
00:32:27
version of himself in a way. And then
00:32:29
Sandler being the manager I just saw
00:32:32
immediately because that's part of
00:32:34
Sandler's personality a little
00:32:36
different. How you doing man? How you
00:32:38
doing?
00:32:38
>> You all right Carvey? You know it's part
00:32:40
kind of and
00:32:42
>> I've only creeped him out.
00:32:44
>> You've Oh yeah.
00:32:45
>> You've only creeped him out
00:32:47
>> where you came up to him or something.
00:32:49
>> No worst interview. You called me the
00:32:52
night that next the next day and you're
00:32:53
like cuz I was worried about it. It's
00:32:54
like,
00:32:55
>> oh,
00:32:55
>> it was during the pandemic and I did
00:32:57
that interview and I was like,
00:33:00
>> yes,
00:33:00
>> I called this movie Beautiful Gems or
00:33:03
something.
00:33:04
>> Yeah, I remember that. You showed me
00:33:05
that video. Yeah.
00:33:07
>> I was like I showed my daughter's Happy
00:33:08
Madison the other day and he was like,
00:33:10
"Did you?"
00:33:11
>> Uh,
00:33:11
>> I was like, "They loved it." He was
00:33:12
like,
00:33:14
>> "Oh."
00:33:15
>> And I asked Happy Gilmore.
00:33:16
>> Yeah. Yeah. I called it Happy Madison.
00:33:18
And then I was like, "Hey, do you have
00:33:19
Netflix?"
00:33:20
>> He's like, "I have a $250 million deal."
00:33:22
He didn't say that, but that's in
00:33:24
hindsight.
00:33:25
>> Yeah, Sandler is
00:33:26
>> Well, I doubt he would hold that against
00:33:28
you.
00:33:28
>> I don't think I remember it. He's he's
00:33:30
going a million miles second.
00:33:32
>> Yeah. Anytime it's an unintentional
00:33:34
thing, it's fine. Like anybody, you're
00:33:36
not after him. Plus, you're comics, he
00:33:37
likes that.
00:33:38
>> Yeah.
00:33:39
>> So, when you got rich and famous, okay,
00:33:41
at a given point, then that was just for
00:33:44
sure. Bird is rich, bird is famous. How
00:33:48
did it affect relationships with
00:33:51
>> people? That's a great question.
00:33:54
>> I realized not everyone was rooting for
00:33:57
me.
00:33:58
>> Is pulling for you. Yeah, we all find
00:34:00
that all along the way.
00:34:02
>> You find out that a lot of your friends.
00:34:05
>> They like you where you are.
00:34:06
>> THEY LIKE YOU WHERE YOU ARE.
00:34:08
>> YEAH. Let's not get crazy.
00:34:10
>> Don't go nuts on.
00:34:12
>> That's quite enough. That's quite
00:34:14
enough. Don't
00:34:14
>> How did that manifest itself? just in
00:34:16
little little sly things, little little
00:34:19
digs kind of backstage or
00:34:21
>> Oh, yeah. or whatever.
00:34:22
>> Oh, yeah. Oh, it was like
00:34:24
>> it was crazy. I uh
00:34:27
>> it was Yeah, it was crazy. I I don't
00:34:29
know the right way to say it without
00:34:30
bringing up old dramas, but but like it
00:34:33
it was it was comics or friends or
00:34:36
family?
00:34:36
>> Everyone. I mean, everyone
00:34:39
>> Oh, my family all didn't was
00:34:41
disconnected. I don't think they had any
00:34:43
idea what was happening. Uh Rogan and
00:34:46
Tom were the two people that were like
00:34:48
cheering for me. They were like legit.
00:34:50
>> Yeah.
00:34:51
>> Rogan would be like he was like, "You're
00:34:53
not here by mistake." And I and he's
00:34:55
like, "You've earned this. You you know,
00:34:57
>> but yeah, I I realized there were a lot
00:34:59
of people that liked me when I was below
00:35:00
them and they didn't like me when I blew
00:35:02
up." And what I my the lesson I learned
00:35:04
was because dude,
00:35:08
like I broke ticket sales. I broke a lot
00:35:10
of people's ticket sales. And I
00:35:12
>> Oh,
00:35:13
>> thought they would be like,
00:35:15
>> "Hey, cool."
00:35:16
>> Yeah. They didn't like it.
00:35:17
>> They didn't like it.
00:35:18
>> And I could see that one.
00:35:20
>> Yeah. I And then when And then what's
00:35:22
interesting,
00:35:22
>> human nature,
00:35:23
>> I got a call one day from Shane Gillis
00:35:26
and he was like, "Hey,
00:35:28
>> do you remember when we worked at the
00:35:30
Celebrity Arena in Arizona?" And I said,
00:35:32
"Yeah." He goes, "You did the record uh
00:35:35
record beer sales." And I said, "Yeah."
00:35:36
And he goes, "Guess who just broke it?"
00:35:38
>> Yeah. And I at that moment I went, "Oh,
00:35:41
I need to be what I always wanted
00:35:43
everyone to be for me." And I was like,
00:35:45
"Dude,
00:35:46
>> [ __ ] I'm You're the man." And and and
00:35:49
like and for Shane that he's doing uh
00:35:51
Lincoln Financial, the day I heard about
00:35:53
it, I text him. I I want everyone to
00:35:56
succeed. I don't care. I have no
00:35:58
competition in me. I literally like my
00:36:01
competition is within myself. And what
00:36:02
can I do? It is it is my race and I no
00:36:05
one can affect me other than me. And I
00:36:09
can be inspired by [ __ ] Shane does. Like
00:36:11
I tires [ __ ] I loved tires. When I
00:36:14
got green lift for free bird, I called
00:36:15
Shane and I was like, "Dude, I'm
00:36:17
nervous." And he's like, "Dude, you're
00:36:18
going to kill it." And and I was like,
00:36:19
"I may lean on you a little bit
00:36:21
>> in production of like [ __ ] cuz I don't
00:36:23
know." And when Tommy's uh uh Bad Ideas
00:36:26
came out, Bad Thoughts came out. [ __ ]
00:36:28
loved it. And I called Tommy. I go,
00:36:30
"This looks amazing. You can you a great
00:36:32
actor." So yeah, I think the the
00:36:35
pullback the takeaway was I was bummed
00:36:38
that no not everyone loved me the way I
00:36:40
wanted them to love me. So I just loved
00:36:43
everyone as they succeeded.
00:36:44
>> Yeah, it is hard. I mean it's a jealous
00:36:46
business and uh personal struggles. My
00:36:49
family was always cool about it, but
00:36:50
there's people on the outside or friends
00:36:52
or sort of friends and
00:36:54
>> yeah, you have to forgive the
00:36:56
10-year-old boy inside you. little like
00:36:59
ah like Toy Story, there's a new shiny
00:37:01
object in town. And I I've always said
00:37:04
this that the reason there's a class
00:37:06
clown. He was a class clown. They were a
00:37:07
class clown. It's never plural because
00:37:10
if there were two class clowns, one
00:37:12
class clown would kill the other class
00:37:13
clown,
00:37:14
>> you know? So, this is just childlike
00:37:17
drive and you just sort of put it in
00:37:19
your head and go, "Oh, silly me." You
00:37:21
know, but your attitude is perfect.
00:37:23
Yeah. just
00:37:23
>> Well, I heard I heard you say one time
00:37:25
or maybe I read something you said
00:37:27
>> when you you you said something to the
00:37:30
effect of um you had friends who
00:37:34
who were terrified of losing heat or
00:37:37
something effect they were it was
00:37:39
something someone asked you uh why
00:37:42
aren't you why aren't you doing more
00:37:43
movies and you're like why don't I don't
00:37:44
need it or I I forget what you said but
00:37:46
maybe I'll just ask you like when you
00:37:48
stopped you were like I'm done I'm going
00:37:50
to hang out with my family like Did did
00:37:54
you have friends that were like, I don't
00:37:55
want to lose the heat. I don't want to
00:37:57
lose the
00:37:58
>> Oh, like the my friend being
00:37:59
>> Oh, yeah. That's a definite thing of
00:38:01
worry of of comedians or entertainers or
00:38:04
anybody that I'm less hot.
00:38:05
>> Yeah.
00:38:06
>> And Lauren Michael's quote was the
00:38:07
minute you're hot, you can feel yourself
00:38:09
getting less hot.
00:38:11
>> You know, but I swear to God, I have a
00:38:13
I'm from the other era of romance and in
00:38:15
some ways it's hurt me. You know, I was,
00:38:17
you know, Bob Dylan and the Beatles and
00:38:19
it's all about the work. It's all about
00:38:21
the work. And we were not allowed to do
00:38:23
any commercials when I was on SNL. Um,
00:38:26
and even in the '90s, I turned down
00:38:29
>> at least 100 million in commercials.
00:38:31
Just like you're not supposed to. It's
00:38:33
it's art artistic.
00:38:34
>> Oh, yeah.
00:38:35
>> It's not about being hot or famous or
00:38:37
wealthy. It's about doing work that
00:38:40
destroys people. It's very naive and I
00:38:42
regret all of it.
00:38:43
>> My dad My dad this Thanksgiving My dad
00:38:46
this Thanksgiving, he couldn't stop
00:38:48
talking about Pete Davidson. He He's in
00:38:51
love with Pete Davidson. Okay. And And
00:38:53
he's like, "God, this guy Bert, did you
00:38:55
see him on Seth Meyers?
00:38:57
>> He looks great, first of all. Sober,
00:38:59
sober." He was getting all your dad.
00:39:00
He's my dad. He's getting all his
00:39:01
tattoos, tats removed. And I was like,
00:39:04
"Really?" And I go, "Did you do you like
00:39:06
his standup?" He goes, "He does stand
00:39:07
up."
00:39:08
>> I go, "What do you Where did you go? I
00:39:11
love his Capital One commercials."
00:39:13
>> Oh.
00:39:14
>> I was like, "For real?" He goes, "The
00:39:15
guy is [ __ ] good." You know, he dated
00:39:17
Kim Cart. My dad's a fan. A fan. if he
00:39:19
met Pete Davidson the way same way my
00:39:22
dad
00:39:23
>> loves Bill Burr. He loves him.
00:39:26
>> Yeah, for sure.
00:39:27
>> And my dad like
00:39:30
>> he he loves Rogan. When he met Rogan, he
00:39:33
was like
00:39:36
>> he's so jacked. You know, my dad's like
00:39:38
an old school 1950s celebrity guy. Like
00:39:41
he likes like he if he's seen you on
00:39:42
something, he can't believe then he
00:39:44
pulls you aside. You know, Rogan's not
00:39:46
as tall as I thought he'd be. You're
00:39:47
like, "Yeah, I know." Bring that up,
00:39:48
Dad.
00:39:49
>> It's not It's It's It's fun when you
00:39:51
someone like that's a fan of everybody.
00:39:53
It's like that's exactly what you want
00:39:54
someone to be like.
00:39:55
>> Yeah. It's like I This is like I didn't
00:39:58
bring my assistant today. So, I was
00:39:59
like, "Do I love you guys?" Like I This
00:40:02
is like a treat for me.
00:40:04
>> Anytime it's comics here, it's easier
00:40:06
and fun and not as much prep. I I'll
00:40:09
tell you a quick thing. When I was my
00:40:10
high school reunion, um, one story was a
00:40:14
guy was, well, one Julie Bowen was in
00:40:17
back in town. We were dating and she
00:40:18
goes, "Do you want me to go with you?"
00:40:20
And I said, "Let's just, yeah, it'll be
00:40:21
funny." So, we walked in and we wore a
00:40:24
tag. We said, "Oh, let's write Ben and
00:40:26
JLo." So, we walk in and the first guy,
00:40:29
he goes, "You think you're [ __ ] Ben
00:40:31
Affleck?" And I go, "All right, well,
00:40:33
this wasn't a great idea." And then the
00:40:37
night before the party, I was at with
00:40:38
like seven guys I was pretty tight with
00:40:41
and we're all getting in a car to go to
00:40:44
another bar the night before the thing.
00:40:46
And it was only it's probably the 10
00:40:47
year reunion. And one guy kind of stayed
00:40:49
behind like this and he's all [ __ ] up.
00:40:52
And he goes I go, "Hey, you coming?
00:40:53
Let's go." And he goes, "Uh,
00:40:56
all these people like, "Oh, David Spade,
00:40:59
you must have been so funny." I'm like,
00:41:00
"He wasn't funny. He's a [ __ ] kind of
00:41:02
an idiot." And I go, "All right, I'm
00:41:04
going to get in the car if you guys want
00:41:06
to meet there." And he just sat there
00:41:07
and I was like,
00:41:08
>> he couldn't wait to just say, "Fuck you,
00:41:10
dude." And and the other guys were all
00:41:12
cool and and you know, and those
00:41:13
scenarios are kind of weird because you
00:41:15
don't want to act like you're trying to
00:41:16
big time cuz I do wear nine watches
00:41:19
>> and they're all Rolexes.
00:41:21
And I go, "This is just what [ __ ]
00:41:22
people do." One time I did I did have a
00:41:26
leather jacket and I went back to my old
00:41:28
comedy club and it was $400. It was the
00:41:31
most I've ever spent and it looked like
00:41:33
Fonza. It was actually more like a dice
00:41:34
one and I thought it was so cool and it
00:41:36
was too big and it was too heavy and I
00:41:38
have a bad neck and so I'm sort of
00:41:39
hunched over and it's hurting me but I
00:41:42
have to be cool. So I walk in I'm like
00:41:44
hey and everyone's like nice jacket
00:41:46
[ __ ] I'm like everyone's changed and
00:41:49
yeah I changed and it was the only time
00:41:52
that the guy changed and I was blaming
00:41:54
everyone. I go everyone's so weird. I'm
00:41:56
like they don't they can't deal with a
00:41:58
$400 jacket. Everyone's like shut up. I
00:41:59
have a It was kind of funny.
00:42:02
>> I I was just in high school. I was just
00:42:04
no girls, nothing. We were in the track
00:42:06
team and I knew like three people. 550
00:42:08
in my senior class. 10 anther. I didn't
00:42:10
go. So, it's the 20th and I'm at my
00:42:12
peak. Wayne's world's out. Everything's
00:42:15
crazy. So, I just kind of half joking,
00:42:18
they got in contact with me. I go, I
00:42:20
just I want a helicopter and I want to
00:42:23
come in on the helicopter and come off
00:42:26
the helicopter. I was kind of kidding,
00:42:29
but sort of. So, but I ended up not
00:42:31
going and I found out that they hired
00:42:33
someone to dress up as Gar and then
00:42:36
they're all in the gym and hey, you
00:42:37
know, look, Wayne's World Gar is here.
00:42:40
And he did a little dance and stuff.
00:42:42
That was for my 20th, but I wasn't
00:42:44
there.
00:42:45
>> Oh, that would be [ __ ] I wrote a joke
00:42:47
as you said that. I was like, I was
00:42:48
doing so good last year. I went to other
00:42:50
people's high school reunions.
00:42:51
>> That's fun.
00:42:54
just for
00:42:54
>> I love I the thing I love about uh our
00:42:57
job like is like a like just
00:43:01
>> coming up with the dumbest [ __ ] thing
00:43:04
>> and uh and I was going to do this bit I
00:43:06
found uh
00:43:07
>> you know the you know Q-tips come in
00:43:09
that blue little thing I was going to
00:43:11
pull it out in the middle and just start
00:43:12
cleaning my ears cuz people do that with
00:43:14
toothpicks all the time and then go oh
00:43:16
do you want that clear but I don't know
00:43:18
why I just love the idea that there's no
00:43:21
it's my friends don't have that my
00:43:22
friends are married to a bunch of rules.
00:43:24
Like I I got it's uh I I can't text with
00:43:29
like my old high school friends because
00:43:32
I it's I don't know. There's not the
00:43:34
freedom, you know?
00:43:35
>> What do you mean?
00:43:36
>> Like I don't know. It's like uh I think
00:43:38
when you're untethered to society and
00:43:41
you can you can text wild [ __ ] to
00:43:43
people.
00:43:43
>> Yeah.
00:43:43
>> Like you can't do that with everyone,
00:43:45
you know?
00:43:45
>> I have someone told me to tone it down.
00:43:47
>> Yeah.
00:43:48
>> Because I I say like we talked in high
00:43:50
school and they're like, "Dude, [ __ ] I
00:43:51
got the kids here." Mhm.
00:43:53
>> Like they reading your phone. Just don't
00:43:55
read it out loud. What do you
00:43:56
>> You can handle this. You can handle it.
00:43:59
>> Yeah.
00:43:59
>> I've been on text change email change
00:44:02
where they're going I mean, you know,
00:44:04
>> they're going really downtown. Really
00:44:07
like if this gets out, I'm in trouble.
00:44:10
>> Get off the chain.
00:44:12
>> But I get it when someone says the most
00:44:13
foul thing you're not supposed to say.
00:44:15
The joke is is that they're saying it,
00:44:17
you know? It's like dead baby jokes in
00:44:19
the in the olden times. Todd Glass is
00:44:21
the best. Have you ever
00:44:22
>> Yeah, Todd Glass.
00:44:23
>> My texts from Todd Glass are my favorite
00:44:25
text.
00:44:26
>> Yeah. Could they in the world? I cannot
00:44:27
tell you that.
00:44:28
>> Hey, this is the third time I've texted
00:44:29
you. I swear to God, if you don't reply,
00:44:32
I'm going to come to your house, inject
00:44:34
AIDS into you, and light your house on
00:44:36
fire and kill your [ __ ] children. The
00:44:38
next test, my bad. That was for my
00:44:39
sister.
00:44:41
>> Good.
00:44:43
>> Yeah, he has he he does leave good
00:44:45
voicemails.
00:44:46
>> Do you know what he did last podcast?
00:44:51
First of all, Todd Glass is the funniest
00:44:54
man alive. Todd Glass and Mike Gibbons.
00:44:56
You know, Mike Gibbons. Mike Gibbons
00:44:58
made me laugh yesterday harder than
00:45:00
anyone's made me laugh. I was talking
00:45:02
about how Frank
00:45:04
>> how Frankenstein was a really long
00:45:06
movie.
00:45:06
>> The new one.
00:45:07
>> The new one. Have you seen it?
00:45:08
>> Haven't.
00:45:09
>> Okay. And he goes, "Yeah." And you got
00:45:12
to watch the movie. But he goes, "The
00:45:13
first 10 minutes is great.
00:45:14
Frankenstein's coming after Victor." And
00:45:16
then Victor gets on this boat and then
00:45:17
tells a [ __ ] two-hour story about his
00:45:19
childhood. And he's like, "WHY IS
00:45:21
CAPTAIN GOING, TALK ABOUT THE [ __ ]
00:45:24
MONSTER? WHAT ABOUT THE MONSTER?" But
00:45:26
Todd Glass came to my house. Todd Glass
00:45:28
came to my house and he he first and
00:45:31
foremost he orchestrates your like
00:45:33
you're not you're not having a podcast
00:45:34
with him. He is running a podcast.
00:45:36
>> Oh yeah.
00:45:36
>> He brings a lantern, an oil filled
00:45:38
lantern.
00:45:39
>> He lights it, lowers the lights, burns a
00:45:41
pine pine cone so it feels like we're
00:45:43
camping. lights are dark. Has the has
00:45:46
the my assistant hit the lights every
00:45:48
now and then so it feels like lightning.
00:45:50
Turns the TV into a window so we're
00:45:52
looking. So he does a whole thing like
00:45:54
we're camping.
00:45:54
>> Yeah. He comes and stages it.
00:45:56
>> And at the end I say, "If you want
00:45:58
anything edited out, let me know." And
00:45:59
he goes, "I'm going to want things
00:46:00
edited in." And then sent a list of
00:46:03
things he wanted edited in. Can you edit
00:46:05
this in to my [ __ ]
00:46:07
>> No one watched it. No one watched the
00:46:09
podcast because it we didn't talk about,
00:46:11
you know, [ __ ] politics. Yeah.
00:46:13
>> But god damn it, it was so funny.
00:46:15
>> Yeah. Todd did the we'd go on the road
00:46:17
together and he would go uh
00:46:20
>> and we'd get to the green room and he
00:46:22
goes uh and one was example was you just
00:46:24
talked about what's outside of Chicago.
00:46:25
Shamberg.
00:46:26
>> Shamberg.
00:46:26
>> Great club. And he goes uh he goes, "Do
00:46:30
you like it?" We walk in. He goes, "I
00:46:31
want you to see the green room." And I
00:46:32
go, "Oh." And I go, "Yeah." A couch
00:46:34
chair. He goes, "David, there was a fan
00:46:37
back there." And I go, "Where is it?"
00:46:39
And he goes, "Well, I came before the
00:46:41
show and set this whole this is me." And
00:46:44
I go, "You fixed up the green room." And
00:46:46
he goes, "There was a like a rusty. We
00:46:49
It's so It's just a bad look." And then
00:46:51
dim the lights. They didn't They did
00:46:53
They They weren't on dimmer. So we dim
00:46:54
We got a little bit. We got some And he
00:46:56
did the whole thing. And I go, Todd, I
00:46:57
swear to God, I would not have noticed
00:46:59
one thing. I'm glad you did it. No, this
00:47:01
is a green room. We don't expect
00:47:02
miracles. And then he does the same
00:47:04
thing. He anything he does with me, he
00:47:06
goes, "Call my phone." when he had a
00:47:07
podcast. I don't know if he still does.
00:47:08
He was one of the first.
00:47:09
>> He was one of the first. It's the
00:47:10
hardest I've ever laughed. Him and Roy
00:47:12
Scoville. Yeah. Reenacting the Red Red
00:47:14
Fox intro with Billy Crystal. You ever
00:47:17
heard that? Hold on. You had to have
00:47:19
heard this.
00:47:20
>> That's one.
00:47:21
>> Is that where?
00:47:22
>> Hold on. You know that. So, hold on. I
00:47:24
can't believe I'm telling you this
00:47:25
story.
00:47:26
>> So, Billy Crystal is young and he's
00:47:28
opening for Red Fox and they're in
00:47:29
Vegas.
00:47:29
>> I think I think I've heard, but I want
00:47:32
to hear it.
00:47:32
>> And he goes, they go, "Listen, Red's
00:47:34
gambling and he's drinking so he might
00:47:36
be running late. you're going to need to
00:47:37
stretch. If we need you, we'll let you
00:47:38
know. So, Bill Spilly Crystal does his
00:47:39
10 minutes, looks at the side, they're
00:47:40
like, "Stretch."
00:47:42
>> So, he does 20 minutes and they're like,
00:47:43
"Stretch."
00:47:45
>> At 45 minutes, they're still like,
00:47:46
"Stretch." And he's like, "People are
00:47:48
getting up and leaving." He's at an hour
00:47:50
and 15. There's maybe from the six crowd
00:47:52
of 600, there's 135 people, maybe maybe
00:47:55
75 people in there. And he looks to the
00:47:57
side at an hour in they go, "He's here.
00:47:58
Wrap it up."
00:47:59
>> So, he's like, "All right, ladies and
00:48:00
gentlemen, the man of the hour, the man
00:48:02
you've been waiting to see. He's uh you
00:48:04
might know him from Sanford and Sun, but
00:48:06
Ladies and gentlemen, Red Fox. And the
00:48:08
band goes
00:48:16
Red Fox, goes, "Fuck this. I ain't
00:48:18
performing for 75 people." Walks off.
00:48:20
The band goes,
00:48:24
>> they go, "Fuck it. We're getting paid."
00:48:26
Well,
00:48:28
they play the song on. Yeah. They play
00:48:30
the whole song on and then they just go
00:48:32
right into it.
00:48:34
>> That's his closer. Yeah.
00:48:36
>> There's so many comics that are [ __ ]
00:48:39
hilarious
00:48:40
>> that
00:48:41
>> that are funnier than all of us
00:48:42
>> that that you don't know famous
00:48:43
>> that not famous.
00:48:44
>> Andy Kindler, remember him?
00:48:46
>> Yes. Do you remember he would do State
00:48:48
of the Union?
00:48:50
>> Do you remember he would do State of the
00:48:52
Union in comedy in at at Montreal?
00:48:54
>> Yeah. And what was he what he doing?
00:48:57
>> He would basically roast the state of
00:48:59
comedy,
00:49:00
>> right? And you
00:49:01
>> and it was and you would hope to be in
00:49:02
it. Yeah,
00:49:03
>> you'd be hoped to be in it and he'd just
00:49:05
destroy ah he hated Louis CK.
00:49:09
>> He hat before allegations he hated Louis
00:49:11
CK
00:49:12
>> and he'd quote his act
00:49:13
>> but everyone would show up to watch him
00:49:16
>> roast comedy. That was the f the one
00:49:18
time I went to Montreal
00:49:19
>> and it didn't really pay off back then.
00:49:21
It pays off now. Different things pay
00:49:22
off now from different things get picked
00:49:24
up.
00:49:27
>> Listen, the new year is here. Dana, you
00:49:28
you've read all the papers. You heard
00:49:30
about it January. Yeah.
00:49:32
>> Mhm.
00:49:33
And and I by your hair I can tell you're
00:49:35
excited.
00:49:38
>> This Do you know how much product it
00:49:40
took to get this cake baked? But now
00:49:42
I've got a forehead the size of Rhode
00:49:43
Island.
00:49:46
>> Listen, it's perfect time to get back
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>> gota
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mean updating bedding, bath basics like
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>> Nice.
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>> It could be mean refreshing the kids'
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>> behind you.
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>> I know. I went on their site. I think
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this is a really cool company. I think
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I'm going to order kind of like a love
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seat or something
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>> for me and you.
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00:51:33
>> I was watching Kathleen Madigan's
00:51:35
special the last night.
00:51:36
>> Yeah,
00:51:38
>> it's so good. She is so talented.
00:51:42
>> She's one of those people. My mom will
00:51:44
send me clips of her. My mom's obsessed
00:51:46
with Kathleen Madigan. And there her
00:51:48
material is she is just it's it's it's
00:51:52
I don't think enough young comics are
00:51:54
working on finding their voice as
00:51:57
opposed to getting clicks and selling
00:52:00
tickets. just the wording, just the
00:52:02
phrasing, just the uh way people if you
00:52:04
see a good comic and it's so thought out
00:52:06
that it looks effortless and you go, "Oh
00:52:09
my god, just it's like a song, you go,
00:52:10
"Oh, that's exactly perfectly done."
00:52:12
>> Yeah.
00:52:13
>> Yeah. like the Cath Kathleen Madigan uh
00:52:16
uh Jackie Kian is Jackie Kishan's
00:52:21
>> her she her her talking about her family
00:52:23
when you I I love when a comic talks
00:52:25
about their family and and because you
00:52:28
don't have to be related to that family
00:52:29
to understand the thing Kathleen Madigan
00:52:31
has a joke about going to Target with
00:52:32
her target with her mom and her saying
00:52:34
she had a headache and her mom pulls out
00:52:36
a pill and she goes here take this and
00:52:38
then Kathleen takes it she goes wait not
00:52:39
that one
00:52:41
she goes mom what did I just take. She
00:52:43
goes, "I don't know. What did it look
00:52:44
like?" She goes, "I don't know. I took
00:52:45
it." But like like that developing your
00:52:49
voice.
00:52:50
>> Yeah.
00:52:50
>> Is the important part of comedy. It's
00:52:52
not selling tickets. It's that it's and
00:52:55
it selling tickets is important,
00:52:57
>> but
00:52:57
>> when you have like and that's something
00:53:01
that
00:53:02
that when I started was like I just want
00:53:04
to do it long enough to find my voice.
00:53:06
You don't find your voice for like 10
00:53:07
years. I don't think you find your voice
00:53:09
till you're 40.
00:53:10
>> Yeah. Um, I think authenticity now
00:53:13
because social media I think that's part
00:53:14
of what your appeal is that people they
00:53:17
know you. They feel like they really
00:53:19
know.
00:53:19
>> I overshared. I overshare. Like I I way
00:53:21
overshared.
00:53:22
>> Do you feel like you told
00:53:23
>> But isn't that part of I mean it's being
00:53:25
vulnerable like that.
00:53:26
>> I go like this. I think we know the
00:53:29
answer
00:53:29
>> cuz I saw I watched the first bits on
00:53:31
your last two specials and one was you
00:53:34
lost weight so you could see yourself
00:53:36
getting blown. You were kind of
00:53:37
disappointed. That was your opener.
00:53:38
>> I was shocked. It's very very funny.
00:53:40
>> The first time I saw her suck my dick, I
00:53:41
WENT OH
00:53:42
>> THIS IS what you deal with.
00:53:44
>> This is crazy.
00:53:45
>> So I'm like this guy's being And then
00:53:48
the other one razledazzle was about ass
00:53:50
hair being all
00:53:52
>> intertwined. That was your opener.
00:53:53
>> So that so so okay
00:53:56
we talk about we talk about cheat codes.
00:53:57
>> Yeah.
00:53:58
>> I
00:53:58
>> get them not to turn away.
00:54:00
>> The the I mean I more people should hear
00:54:03
this. The first words out of your mouth.
00:54:05
>> It's a Tik Tok. Don't let them skip.
00:54:08
>> This is we're talking algorithms. We're
00:54:09
not talking about comedy. We're talking
00:54:10
about
00:54:10
>> Don't let them don't give you a minute
00:54:12
to minute.
00:54:12
>> Dude, when I did mine, I go, I don't
00:54:14
want to do the walk out. Get I'm giving
00:54:16
him a chance to get lost.
00:54:17
>> Shout out to Nor McDonald.
00:54:18
>> You [ __ ] go, "Hello." You walk. They
00:54:19
go, "Ladies and gentlemen." Or you just
00:54:21
start with a cold open anything.
00:54:23
>> I I can almost do the
00:54:25
>> What did they know?
00:54:26
>> I can almost do my
00:54:28
>> uh my opening jokes from all my
00:54:29
specials. Uh secret time is uh I said,
00:54:32
"Guys, we're just going to get drunk and
00:54:33
tell secret." Secret time sometimes I
00:54:34
dry my [ __ ] on the bed. Secret time.
00:54:36
Uh, secret time. Sometimes I spit on the
00:54:38
toilet paper, wipe my ass. Call
00:54:39
Mississippi wet wipe. Secret time. Those
00:54:41
are the first two. Then it was uh secret
00:54:43
time. I took his [ __ ] so big the other
00:54:45
day and that I took his [ __ ] so bad the
00:54:47
other day I made the guy in the stall
00:54:49
next to me throw up.
00:54:50
>> We were and we were in Japan so I
00:54:51
thought he was talking to me. He was
00:54:52
like,
00:54:53
>> so I but but then people go, "What's
00:54:57
your overall point? I want to hear
00:54:58
this." But it's I watch people do a
00:55:02
three to five minute sketch and I go
00:55:05
that's not why I'm here. And no offense,
00:55:07
some are very good. Some are very good,
00:55:10
>> but I'm not there for the sketch. I want
00:55:12
to see your standup. I also don't give a
00:55:15
[ __ ] what city you filmed it in.
00:55:17
>> I don't care about
00:55:19
>> I can't tell. They don't care.
00:55:20
>> It's You're not the the biggest mistake
00:55:23
I watched. And by the way, I watch
00:55:25
everyone's [ __ ] special. I mean, I
00:55:28
watch every special because I want to
00:55:29
see what's happening and what people are
00:55:31
doing because I don't want to do the
00:55:32
same type of [ __ ]
00:55:34
>> I've I've watched
00:55:35
>> I've watched people put uh talk about
00:55:38
the city they're in. I love this city.
00:55:40
This is a great city. You're not making
00:55:42
the special for the people in the room.
00:55:44
You're making it for the people there.
00:55:46
>> Right.
00:55:46
>> I said Denver in mind because I said
00:55:50
Denver.
00:55:52
>> I'm such a [ __ ] loser. I said I did a
00:55:55
joke and then I said Denver. I said it's
00:55:59
true about the altitude. Does it make
00:56:01
you pee? Because last night
00:56:03
I
00:56:05
peed so far I couldn't clear the bed.
00:56:09
>> It was some What did I say?
00:56:10
>> What?
00:56:11
>> It was some
00:56:12
>> I think you from the bed you peed into
00:56:14
the bathroom.
00:56:14
>> Oh, I said the altitude makes you pee
00:56:16
because whatever what I've done.
00:56:18
>> It wasn't even that funny. I couldn't
00:56:19
make sense. But it was just a joke. But
00:56:21
it you didn't really have to know the
00:56:23
city. But a lot of people do 5 minutes
00:56:25
on the city. And I'm like, we're not
00:56:26
here for the crowd work of the city.
00:56:27
>> The crowd work. Yeah. You can like what
00:56:30
I've done. I I did this in Cleveland on
00:56:32
Hey Big Boy.
00:56:33
>> All these specials.
00:56:36
>> Razledazzle. Hey Big Boy.
00:56:38
Root is a great one. HOLD ON.
00:56:42
>> HOLD ON. I MIGHT CALL MY NEXT SPECIAL
00:56:44
ROOT.
00:56:45
>> Root and is great.
00:56:46
>> Renoton is [ __ ] brilliant.
00:56:48
>> Yeah,
00:56:49
>> that's a great title. and your you got
00:56:51
beer cans in in
00:56:54
that is [ __ ] hysterical.
00:56:58
>> Uh I what I've done sometimes is cuz
00:57:01
like in Cleveland for whatever reason my
00:57:03
opening joke and I can't remember what
00:57:05
it is right now but wasn't popping the
00:57:07
way I wanted.
00:57:08
>> Hey Cleveland.
00:57:09
>> So what I but I knew the joke was funny
00:57:11
but for some reason it wasn't working.
00:57:12
So I went out and I made a joke about
00:57:14
Cleveland and I edited it out and then
00:57:15
started with that first joke and it
00:57:17
worked. Yeah. And it was a it was a it's
00:57:19
a city joke. I go Cleveland. You got to
00:57:21
love a city like Cleveland where the
00:57:23
people in the city define this city.
00:57:25
There's no cities like that where they
00:57:27
make up this city and they start
00:57:28
cheering. I go no. I mean there's a
00:57:30
couple. You've got Rwanda, Belfast.
00:57:35
But uh but yeah. And then the other
00:57:37
thing is like
00:57:40
you know I I don't know. I've I've
00:57:41
watched I've just watched enough
00:57:43
specials like the best Dave Chappelle's
00:57:46
my my favorite.
00:57:47
>> Sure. I was going to ask you who you
00:57:48
think is the current GOAT.
00:57:51
>> Dave Chappelle in my opinion
00:57:54
uh is he does zero wrong in my opinion.
00:57:57
And I know that that's not everyone
00:57:59
agrees with that, you know, but like
00:58:01
zero wrong. When he
00:58:02
>> he told the joke about hanging out with
00:58:04
Jim Carrey on Man on the Moon, you've
00:58:05
heard that.
00:58:06
>> Yeah.
00:58:06
>> And he goes he goes that's what I feel
00:58:08
like when I talk to
00:58:10
his in character talking Andy.
00:58:13
>> He kind of faded out there.
00:58:15
>> The trans people.
00:58:15
>> There you go.
00:58:17
That joke is brilliant. His kicker in
00:58:19
the [ __ ] joke is my favorite joke I've
00:58:20
ever heard.
00:58:21
>> His what?
00:58:22
>> Kicker in the [ __ ]
00:58:23
>> He goes, "I'm so dope."
00:58:25
>> He goes, "I don't even need to do this.
00:58:26
I'm so dope. I I challenge myself. I
00:58:29
have a fishbowl and I pull it out
00:58:31
sometimes and it I just read the punch
00:58:33
line and then I got a ready joke about
00:58:34
it. I pulled out this morning said
00:58:35
kicker in the pussy." And then he
00:58:37
misdirects, goes into a story about
00:58:40
growing up around white people and what
00:58:42
it's like to eat dinner at a white
00:58:45
person's house and they're making
00:58:46
hamburger helper and then David, I need
00:58:48
you to set the table. He goes into the
00:58:50
bathroom. He doesn't want to set the
00:58:52
table. The mom opens the door and goes,
00:58:53
"David, I apologize, but if you're not
00:58:55
going to help, then you can't eat it."
00:58:56
He goes, "They were talking about
00:58:57
Hamburger Helper." So I kicked her in
00:58:59
the [ __ ] I told you. And like it's my
00:59:01
favorite. I like right before I did
00:59:06
Lucky.
00:59:08
>> Is that another one?
00:59:09
>> Yeah, there's another one.
00:59:11
>> Right before I did Lucky, I was like I
00:59:13
was like, "Yo, I was with Chappelle in
00:59:16
Ohio
00:59:18
>> and we're partying. We're having a good
00:59:19
time. We're just talking [ __ ] It's just
00:59:21
me and him and like maybe D Tony Woods
00:59:23
might have been there and like some
00:59:25
other like a couple conference touring
00:59:26
with me
00:59:28
>> and we're just bullshitting and I go,
00:59:30
"Hey man, I I hate to that I I'm going
00:59:32
to do this to you,
00:59:33
>> but like I got to talk comedy." I was
00:59:35
like, "You're in my opinion the greatest
00:59:37
ever do it." I was like, "Give me the
00:59:39
secret to what how you make a special."
00:59:41
And he like looks around, lights a
00:59:43
cigarette, and he's like, "All right,
00:59:44
here we go." And I'm like,
00:59:45
>> "Yeah, boy."
00:59:46
>> And I just sat there and I was like, "Oh
00:59:48
my god." And so when I shot Lucky, I did
00:59:53
six. I shot six. I shot six shows.
00:59:56
>> Oh, you did six.
00:59:57
>> Oh, I do. Um I do eight if I could. I
00:59:59
do.
00:59:59
>> I was going to ask you about that, too,
01:00:01
cuz I think it is an advantage because
01:00:03
then you're not really shooting a
01:00:04
special in a way. You're just doing
01:00:06
another set.
01:00:07
>> But if you have if you ever done one
01:00:08
where you had one night only, one time
01:00:10
only stress of
01:00:11
>> I had in when I did Secret Time, I did
01:00:14
two shows.
01:00:15
>> Okay. And by the way, I had sold six at
01:00:17
the Tro, but you know, it was two shows.
01:00:19
It's a
01:00:20
>> I'll give you all the real numbers. So,
01:00:22
because I think this is expensive to
01:00:23
shoot a couple $325,000 at the time to
01:00:26
shoot spe to to shoot Lucky. I spend way
01:00:28
more now on a special, but it was
01:00:30
325,000
01:00:32
$350,000 to shoot uh uh Secret Time.
01:00:35
>> Was that one
01:00:36
>> one night?
01:00:37
>> One night, two shows.
01:00:38
>> One night, two shows.
01:00:38
>> Okay. first show,
01:00:41
the power goes out, they have to hold
01:00:44
the audience outside, a thunderstorm
01:00:46
rolls in, they're soaking wet, the beer
01:00:49
uh thing clogs up,
01:00:51
>> and they're miserable. And we're in
01:00:53
Philadelphia
01:00:55
>> and I [ __ ] bomb with the spe with a
01:00:58
spe a fine-tuned I bomb. I mean to the
01:01:02
point where at one point I was walking
01:01:04
and I stepped on the mic cord and I
01:01:07
pulled the mic away from my mouth like I
01:01:08
went and the punch line's this and I
01:01:10
went damn it
01:01:11
>> right at the punch line.
01:01:12
>> And my wife is always executive produces
01:01:14
everything I do because she's pretty
01:01:16
intimate with my material. And I told
01:01:18
her I said any flubs just write them
01:01:20
down. I'm sitting in the green room
01:01:21
after that first show with my producer
01:01:23
Tony Hernandez who's like hey
01:01:25
>> we got one in the can. There's a lot of
01:01:27
good stuff.
01:01:27
>> That's the first thing they always say.
01:01:28
>> Oh they always say you're playing with
01:01:30
house money. You got you got this.
01:01:32
>> Leanne walks in and goes I go with Ernie
01:01:34
Flub. She goes, "Honey, that was shit."
01:01:37
>> She I don't know what to tell you. She
01:01:39
goes, "You know, cuz I I've always I
01:01:41
love pressure. I love pressure. I love
01:01:43
pressure."
01:01:44
>> And she goes, "Uh, you always say you
01:01:46
like pressure." Well, big boy, it's on
01:01:48
you now. You better You better not [ __ ]
01:01:50
up this next one.
01:01:51
>> And my buddy Tonyy's like, "Jesus
01:01:53
Christ."
01:01:54
>> He's like, "You want to do a should we
01:01:56
do a shot?" I don't ever really drink
01:01:57
before I go on stage. like I never I'm
01:01:59
going to have but I don't per if I'm
01:02:01
especially if I'm doing a special
01:02:02
>> special.
01:02:03
>> So I was like no. And then Tony is like
01:02:04
very wisely goes maybe we should get
01:02:06
like a cup of coffee.
01:02:07
>> So I get a cup of coffee. I go out and I
01:02:09
do the second show and I have what I can
01:02:11
only say is at I can quantify it as one
01:02:15
of the five best sets of my life. And I
01:02:17
walked away and I was like I will never
01:02:18
do two shows again. I will never do two
01:02:20
shows. I go to the next one. I say Tony
01:02:22
what does four shows cost? He does math.
01:02:24
He goes 50 grand more. I went, "What?"
01:02:26
>> Oh, I didn't know that.
01:02:27
>> You've already got all the [ __ ] [ __ ]
01:02:29
>> Just like housing everybody.
01:02:30
>> Yeah. He was 15 or more. I go,
01:02:31
"Cleveland. Let's shoot. Let's shoot
01:02:33
four in Cleveland for Hey, Big Boy." And
01:02:35
they're like, "Great. We do four."
01:02:38
>> One of the shows I have mustard on my
01:02:40
pants,
01:02:41
>> right? Oh, you can't use it.
01:02:42
>> And I I go, "Who the [ __ ]
01:02:44
>> That's the name of your
01:02:44
>> No one told me about matching."
01:02:46
>> No one told me. I go, "Why did I get
01:02:47
mustard by my pants?" Lean's like, "You
01:02:48
said you wanted hot dogs." And I was
01:02:50
like, "But why wouldn't
01:02:51
>> Cuz it was on your dick."
01:02:52
>> Yeah. And and then and my and like so I
01:02:54
go I and and by the way I bomb the fir
01:02:57
what you don't realize and when you
01:02:58
shoot a special and this is like really
01:02:59
in the weeds that first show you do is
01:03:02
kind of unusable meaning all the
01:03:05
cameramen and the director haven't seen
01:03:06
the hour. They don't know what they're
01:03:08
shooting the second show they're kind of
01:03:09
dialed in a little more by the third
01:03:11
show. So that real fourth show everyone
01:03:14
rehearsal.
01:03:15
>> Yeah it's rehearsal. So then the next
01:03:17
year I go I'm doing [ __ ] six shows. I
01:03:19
I think I did four for Razledazzle
01:03:22
maybe, but I did six for Lucky. I go,
01:03:25
I'm doing six. And I'll tell you, six is
01:03:26
too much.
01:03:28
>> Too much stress.
01:03:29
>> I got I got it. I got it by I got it
01:03:31
perfect. Well, but the best thing about
01:03:32
doing six is
01:03:34
>> I applied what Dave told me to the last
01:03:36
two. And those last two shows, that's
01:03:39
all we used or
01:03:40
>> what did he say?
01:03:42
>> Without, you know, I'm sure Dave would
01:03:43
share this with anyone if he told it to
01:03:45
me. He said, he said, "Let it, let it,
01:03:48
let it be in the air. Let it Don't try
01:03:50
to dial it in to make it this. Let it be
01:03:53
in the air and allow those moments like
01:03:55
in a comedy club, like those explosive
01:03:57
moments to happen and let and let
01:03:58
yourself find them." I'm paraphrasing a
01:04:01
little bit, but he was saying, "Don't be
01:04:05
married to it. Let it ex let it exist."
01:04:08
And what happened is I did, you know,
01:04:10
pretty much the exact same show
01:04:12
>> uh four times almost within, you know,
01:04:15
and then on those last two nights, I'd
01:04:17
gotten it and we were sitting at the bar
01:04:19
and my wife's like, "You got it. It's
01:04:21
done. We don't need these two shows."
01:04:23
And my buddy Tony said, "Hey, man,
01:04:25
>> there's two stories I haven't heard you
01:04:27
tell that I'd love to hear you tell. I I
01:04:28
know you can tell.
01:04:29
>> Just why not?"
01:04:30
>> And he was like, "You should do those on
01:04:31
this next show." One was the Snoop Dog
01:04:33
story and one was about my dog getting
01:04:35
uh putting our dog down and uh and I so
01:04:38
I threw them in and I changed up things
01:04:40
and and those two shows I mean the
01:04:42
things that I thought were the closers
01:04:43
never was were the closers but
01:04:45
everything you know. Yeah. So doing six
01:04:47
shows I I benefited from it. U I'd like
01:04:50
to do six for the next special. I don't
01:04:51
know but I'm not doing that till 2027.
01:04:54
>> Yeah. Well, you get rid of the tight
01:04:55
eyes because I've seen even really good
01:04:57
and I've done a special same thing. had
01:04:58
one show and it was just tight and I
01:05:01
felt like I had to get through my
01:05:02
outline. Now, if you're in a club of 300
01:05:05
people and you you you do what Chappelle
01:05:08
is saying to do when you when you're
01:05:09
shooting your special. Yeah.
01:05:10
>> You take things. Oh, we'll just stay
01:05:12
here for a while. Oh, you like this
01:05:13
story? And with me, if I'm doing, you
01:05:15
know,
01:05:17
Joe Biden, if they're digging it, I'll
01:05:19
just go for 20 minutes or 10 minutes.
01:05:21
Yeah. But if I'm shooting a special, I
01:05:23
feel like So, I mean,
01:05:25
>> yeah. And you have a set list on a
01:05:27
>> keep. I write it on I write I have I'm
01:05:30
really OCD. I write it on my stool.
01:05:32
Yeah.
01:05:32
>> And then I keep the stool heads from all
01:05:34
my specials. They have
01:05:35
>> on the stool. I write on a piece of
01:05:36
paper. You keep it.
01:05:37
>> I write write it in a on in a paint pen
01:05:40
and silver on the stools and I name the
01:05:42
special up top.
01:05:43
>> Oh, that's cool.
01:05:43
>> And I put my set list on a stool.
01:05:45
>> That should be your
01:05:46
>> Where are these stools?
01:05:47
>> Uh
01:05:48
>> in a [ __ ] garage.
01:05:49
>> I know where mine are.
01:05:53
>> All right. Before Bert goes, ask him his
01:05:55
show.
01:05:55
>> Very Freeird. Is it?
01:05:56
>> Free. Yeah,
01:05:57
>> Freebert on Netflix. And this is like a
01:06:00
single camera half hour.
01:06:01
>> Single camera.
01:06:01
>> Kind of like tires then.
01:06:03
>> A lot like tires. I mean, not not
01:06:05
actually not like it. It's probably not
01:06:07
as funny, but
01:06:09
>> about that.
01:06:10
>> No, Tires is I
01:06:11
>> And what's the by line on Freeird?
01:06:13
>> It was uh
01:06:13
>> the story.
01:06:14
>> It's uh really just fish out of water.
01:06:17
It's it's really about
01:06:19
>> when I about how I've always felt about
01:06:21
myself is I am this big loud personality
01:06:24
and sometimes I try to conform and fit
01:06:25
in and whenever I do I very much [ __ ] up
01:06:28
and it's pulled from our direct lives
01:06:30
meaning I within the first episode I go
01:06:33
on a podcast and I say something very
01:06:35
inappropriate about my daughters like
01:06:37
with Isa we were going to use this but
01:06:40
it was but I I it already happened and
01:06:42
it's but Isa uh
01:06:44
>> I talked about when she got her period
01:06:46
on Conan
01:06:47
And like she cuz she threw herself a
01:06:49
period party.
01:06:49
>> What was she doing on Conan?
01:06:51
>> She
01:06:52
I was backstage Conan and Conan's like,
01:06:54
"How are the girls?" And I go, "Oh,
01:06:55
good. Ida just got her period." And he
01:06:57
was like, "What?" And I was like,
01:06:58
"Yeah." I said, "She threw herself a
01:07:00
period party." He goes, "What's that?" I
01:07:01
go, "They all dress in red and we have a
01:07:03
red velvet cake and she names her
01:07:05
period. We put it on the cake and they
01:07:07
eat drink Kool-Aid and eat pasta and
01:07:09
with red sauce." And
01:07:10
>> he's like, "Are you [ __ ] serious?"
01:07:12
>> And I go, "Yeah." And they invite two
01:07:13
boys and they don't tell them why
01:07:14
they're there. And then the boys were
01:07:16
like, "What the fuck?" You know, and he
01:07:17
was like, "What does she name her
01:07:18
period?" I said, "Jason." She got on
01:07:20
Friday the 13th. He's like, "Well, can
01:07:21
we talk about this?" I go, "Yeah, yeah."
01:07:23
You know, you just
01:07:24
>> Every one of us want to make someone
01:07:25
happy.
01:07:25
>> You just say yes.
01:07:26
>> And I tell the period, it ended up
01:07:29
becoming a bit on a special that I did,
01:07:31
but I tell it on Conan. And that night,
01:07:33
I'm on the I'm flying on the road and
01:07:35
Isa's watching
01:07:37
>> Conan with Leanne. And I was like, he's
01:07:39
like, "So, how's how are your girls
01:07:40
doing?" I go, "Good." I go, "Ila just
01:07:42
got her period." And she had paws. She
01:07:43
goes, she's like 10 year 12 years old.
01:07:45
She goes, "Yo, do a lot of people watch
01:07:46
this?" And my wife's like, "Yeah." She
01:07:48
was like, "Dude, what's he going to
01:07:51
say?" She's like, "I don't know." And
01:07:53
then she watched it and she was like,
01:07:56
>> she was like,
01:07:57
>> "Yo,
01:07:58
>> yo."
01:07:58
>> And then the next morning, my inbox was
01:08:02
flooded. It was all little girls writing
01:08:05
in to say, "Hey, thank you for sharing
01:08:08
that story. I've been freaked out about
01:08:09
getting my period. Now we're throwing a
01:08:11
period party." Isla's Isla became this
01:08:13
like [ __ ] feminist hero. So, she was
01:08:15
cool with it. But that is the the
01:08:17
premise in this show is I go in I'd make
01:08:19
a joke about my daughter Georgia
01:08:21
>> and it [ __ ] her up at school and then I
01:08:23
try to write that boat and I just make
01:08:25
things way worse. And it's and it's all
01:08:27
you know you know I don't you guys
01:08:29
probably never experienced this but like
01:08:32
>> when you're a struggling comic with kids
01:08:34
at a school where all the parents are
01:08:36
execs and agents and you just really
01:08:40
feel like
01:08:41
you don't belong. I remember I remember
01:08:43
this is how w how I remember Billy
01:08:46
Crutup was at our school and also
01:08:49
>> we had him on his podcast a little nice
01:08:52
guy.
01:08:52
>> Yeah.
01:08:53
>> He was at our school and uh he was
01:08:56
dating Claire Danes.
01:08:58
>> He was married he had been married to
01:09:00
like some lady who's very famous
01:09:03
>> and they had a kid
01:09:04
>> and her kid was at our school. Uh Nia
01:09:07
Vardalos, uh Jay Shandar, uh uh uh Fred
01:09:11
Savage, all the they're all the kids at
01:09:13
our school.
01:09:13
>> Sure.
01:09:14
>> And Billy caught up in Clarane start
01:09:16
dating and we have a big picnic for the
01:09:18
end of the year and one of the parents
01:09:20
took pictures of them and sold them to
01:09:23
the Inquirer where to TMZ and they came
01:09:25
to me and they're like the principal,
01:09:28
yo,
01:09:29
>> did you take pictures of Billy Cup and
01:09:31
and uh Clou
01:09:34
had a camera? I go, yeah, I'm a dad. I
01:09:36
take pictures of my kid and they're
01:09:37
like, "Yeah, well someone sold it for
01:09:39
money and I mean we were looking around
01:09:41
because I was broke and I was like
01:09:43
>> they wanted you to accused me of taking
01:09:46
and I liked Billy Crutup a lot like he
01:09:48
was the coolest guy to me out of that
01:09:50
all the people at school. I would never
01:09:51
[ __ ] that guy over and I was like I was
01:09:53
but that
01:09:54
>> when you're that much of an outsider
01:09:56
that they think that you would take
01:09:57
pictures of people sure
01:09:58
>> to sell them.
01:10:00
>> That's a little bit what this has is
01:10:01
like I was an outsider and I'm I'm I'm a
01:10:03
guy who takes a shirt off. I drink a
01:10:05
lot. You know, like people would say
01:10:07
stuff to me at like school like, uh,
01:10:09
>> well, Bert, we used to have Bert host
01:10:11
the silent auction and they're like
01:10:12
like, is he going to take a shot and get
01:10:14
hammered? And like and you're like,
01:10:16
guys, I'm not the [ __ ] So, like
01:10:18
that's that's the premise is Fish Out of
01:10:20
Water.
01:10:20
>> Sounds good.
01:10:21
>> It's good. I'm I'm really happy with it.
01:10:23
I
01:10:23
>> When does it start? starts January 22nd
01:10:26
and uh done
01:10:27
>> the
01:10:28
>> the girl the girls that play my
01:10:30
daughters kind of steal it a little bit
01:10:32
and they're so talented. Ardan uh Ardan
01:10:36
Marine is my wife and then we got just
01:10:39
this great cast of great cast of dudes.
01:10:41
>> Who is the woman you showed us? The
01:10:43
young
01:10:43
>> Oh, Ava Ryan.
01:10:45
>> Ava Ryan is she plays Georgia. And this
01:10:48
little girl, Leelu,
01:10:50
is isa. And this kid is, I'm telling
01:10:55
you, untethered. Like, she is she is she
01:11:00
walked into the audition, her first
01:11:02
audition ever. Walked in and she goes,
01:11:04
"Which one's Jud Appatel?"
01:11:07
>> That's a joke.
01:11:07
>> And no, I thought she was she just heard
01:11:11
about Jud.
01:11:12
>> No, because he was originally he was
01:11:13
attached as a producer
01:11:15
>> and he he left the project. uh uh
01:11:18
because I think he just changed up his
01:11:19
career and he was like I'm doing other
01:11:20
things whatever I don't know but he
01:11:23
>> he was like I am she goes okay my
01:11:25
brothers are fans of yours all right how
01:11:26
do we do this and I was like just come
01:11:29
over here she was like Bert and I was
01:11:31
like hey she goes I like this guy all
01:11:33
right what are we doing I mean just
01:11:34
>> how old is she
01:11:35
>> there's uh
01:11:36
>> at the time
01:11:37
>> there's uh she's I don't know she's got
01:11:39
to be like eight no 10
01:11:41
>> Dakota
01:11:42
>> she said she said we had this scene I
01:11:44
mean like
01:11:45
>> I don't want to I won't give away too
01:11:47
much. There's a scene where I [ __ ]
01:11:49
things up at dinner table and
01:11:52
>> and everyone leaves and it's just me and
01:11:54
her and it's awkward. It should be like
01:11:56
and cut and this kid decided to go on a
01:11:59
[ __ ] rant
01:12:00
>> like a pumpup speech to me and there
01:12:03
were so many versions of a little a
01:12:06
child getting in my face, don't let
01:12:08
those [ __ ] change you.
01:12:10
>> Don't let anyone [ __ ] change when you
01:12:11
fight a bull, do you run away from it?
01:12:13
And I'm like, yeah. She goes, no, you
01:12:15
run right the [ __ ] out. just improvising
01:12:17
the audience.
01:12:17
>> I'm like sitting there watching this kid
01:12:20
>> and then she's like, "Have a sip of your
01:12:21
beer." I go, "No, what? Who the [ __ ] are
01:12:23
you? She just is like she's just a real
01:12:26
spirit and and she I mean her improvs
01:12:30
were so funny that we kept the vast
01:12:34
majority of them in. I mean, she is
01:12:37
>> she has one improv that I that I can't
01:12:39
really tell cuz it would give away so
01:12:40
much. She has one improv that I didn't
01:12:42
even know she did that I was as I was
01:12:44
watching the final episode, I fell off
01:12:46
the treadmill laughing.
01:12:47
>> I fell off the treadmill laughing. This
01:12:49
kid is so and and Ava is so
01:12:53
>> Ava the whole story rides on Ava. So she
01:12:55
carries it on her shoulders the whole
01:12:56
story
01:12:57
>> and it's the kids are incredible. Yeah.
01:13:00
>> Great.
01:13:00
>> It was a cool experience. I do more I'd
01:13:02
do more in a heartbeat.
01:13:03
>> How many you do?
01:13:04
>> Six.
01:13:05
>> Okay.
01:13:05
>> Six. And I like acting. I never thought
01:13:07
I'd liked acting when I did The Machine,
01:13:09
but like I
01:13:10
>> I really enjoyed it. I enjoy it a lot.
01:13:12
>> Well, that was my last well, last
01:13:14
question. The machine like because
01:13:17
people do indie films, want to do indie
01:13:19
films, comedians want to put them
01:13:21
together. You have a period of time away
01:13:23
from it. It seemed like it was a big
01:13:25
success. But what did you learn from it?
01:13:28
Like if you did a second one, how would
01:13:29
you do it different, if anything?
01:13:31
>> I would make it shorter.
01:13:32
>> The film.
01:13:33
>> The film entirely. I would make it
01:13:35
shorter. That's the number one thing I
01:13:36
think it was. I think it was like I
01:13:38
think it was like two hours maybe. I
01:13:40
don't know. It was I think it was long.
01:13:42
>> I make it shorter. I make it for less
01:13:44
money. Um and uh
01:13:47
>> how would you save that money just by
01:13:49
being more economical with the cameras
01:13:51
and stuff?
01:13:52
>> Wildly. I I would I uh I I right now I I
01:13:57
think Okay, this is a big question. I
01:14:00
think movies are going to die. I think
01:14:02
if Netflix buys Warner Brothers, we can
01:14:05
say goodbye to movies in general in the
01:14:07
future. Movies will be like uh like the
01:14:09
way people listen to vinyl records.
01:14:11
>> Why are they too expensive?
01:14:12
>> They're too expensive and there's no way
01:14:13
to make money off them. And and to be
01:14:15
honest with you, you could do a reality.
01:14:16
Me and you could host a reality show for
01:14:18
Netflix uh like uh reality competition
01:14:20
show uh The Fattest Baker.
01:14:22
>> And it'll do better, right?
01:14:23
>> It'll it'll be it'll be so much more
01:14:24
economically uh and me and you will make
01:14:27
a ton of [ __ ] money. If me and you go
01:14:29
to Netflix to make a movie, we'll maybe
01:14:30
make $300,000 each.
01:14:32
>> Yeah, it's hard.
01:14:33
>> And and and then all the money is going
01:14:34
to go into the budget. There's no back
01:14:35
end anymore. You don't get points on
01:14:37
anything because you're not
01:14:38
>> streamers. You Yeah.
01:14:40
>> And and I got to be honest with you,
01:14:42
David, if I saw this kid, they were
01:14:44
building a fort. These four kids, they
01:14:46
were in a tree and they were building a
01:14:47
fort and one kid fell out of the tree
01:14:49
and knocked the wind out of him. And I
01:14:51
laughed for I watched it up maybe 20
01:14:53
times and I laughed for a solid 20
01:14:55
minutes. Me and you could not make
01:14:56
anything funnier than that than a child
01:14:58
falling out of a tree. Yeah. I It's It's
01:15:00
It's the [ __ ] hardest I've ever
01:15:03
laughed. So, in order to do a movie,
01:15:06
>> you mean reality and and things that are
01:15:08
cheap and things that are real.
01:15:09
>> And I know people are getting upset
01:15:10
right now going like, "Hold on. Don't
01:15:12
say that." No, but you changed it. I
01:15:14
hate to say this. The person watching
01:15:15
this, you and me, we're all complicit.
01:15:18
We stopped going to movie theaters. So,
01:15:20
and that's where the money's made.
01:15:21
That's where they make money on a movie
01:15:23
is in the movie theaters. We stopped
01:15:24
going to movie theaters. I went I saw I
01:15:27
had every intention of seeing Laur
01:15:28
Leonardo DiCaprio's new movie the one
01:15:30
battle after another. Every intention of
01:15:32
seeing in the movie theaters. I didn't.
01:15:33
>> I I could have.
01:15:34
>> When was the last big comedy that made a
01:15:36
lot of money
01:15:38
>> in theaters?
01:15:40
>> It's I've never I haven't seen a long
01:15:43
time.
01:15:44
>> I think the last mega one was Bruce
01:15:47
Almighty with Jim Carrey. Like mega.
01:15:49
Yeah. That's going
01:15:49
>> The Hangovers did well.
01:15:51
>> Hangover did hangover. That was 2012,
01:15:53
2013.
01:15:55
>> But but in the last 10 years, I know
01:15:57
what you mean. And it is also the
01:15:58
conceit of funny people in a movie,
01:16:00
you're already kind of behind the
01:16:02
eightball a little bit. Yeah. If it
01:16:03
happens by accident, I find myself
01:16:05
laughing. Kristoff Walls in in Glorious
01:16:08
Bastards was hilarious. Yeah. You know,
01:16:10
and Django and Chain. But yeah,
01:16:12
comedyy's tricky that way.
01:16:13
>> Comedyy's tricky. And And listen, I I
01:16:15
was talking to a company that's like,
01:16:16
you know, figuring out $10 million for
01:16:20
movies. So, every movie is going to be
01:16:23
roughly like, you know, 2.5 around
01:16:25
there.
01:16:25
>> That's tough.
01:16:26
>> Am I right? Now, for $10 million, you
01:16:29
can do six episodes of a TV show.
01:16:32
>> Yeah.
01:16:32
>> Okay. So, all right. So, then we got six
01:16:35
different things we can put out there.
01:16:36
The streamer I think I I just think I
01:16:40
think things are changing so quickly
01:16:42
right now that like I don't know if
01:16:44
they're ever they're not I will never be
01:16:46
a part of another $35 million movie. I
01:16:49
doubt unless I get cast in something
01:16:50
like it's just there's not there's no
01:16:52
way to make that money back.
01:16:53
>> That is a big budget. Yeah,
01:16:54
>> that's a crazy budget. And and you look
01:16:56
at like Frankenstein was $150 million
01:17:01
>> and and they it was on Netflix.
01:17:03
>> Maybe it's making I don't even know. I
01:17:05
don't know how it works, but yeah,
01:17:06
Netflix has a lot of money.
01:17:07
>> But also also I we have this weird
01:17:09
ability where we can talk for one hour
01:17:11
and maintain an audience, which is what
01:17:13
you'd want to do in a movie, right?
01:17:14
Yeah.
01:17:15
>> And we can also make a ton of money for
01:17:16
doing it for on Netflix. So I part of me
01:17:20
is like my dad used to go, don't think
01:17:22
because you're good at one thing, you're
01:17:24
good at everything.
01:17:25
>> Don't think because you're good at
01:17:26
comedy, you should open a restaurant
01:17:27
>> or or you should, you know, he goes
01:17:29
stick with what you're good at. So I'm
01:17:31
good at standup, so I'll just keep doing
01:17:33
specials
01:17:34
>> until they want me to not do. But even
01:17:36
specials are [ __ ] tough because you
01:17:37
look at YouTube and YouTube, they're
01:17:39
just as competitive as Netflix.
01:17:41
>> Oh yeah. Just release them on YouTube.
01:17:43
There's when when when I did Secret
01:17:45
Time, there was maybe I'm going to I'm
01:17:47
going to be generous. Maybe
01:17:51
50 seven specials released that year,
01:17:54
right? That's how many Jesus.
01:17:55
>> Think about it, right? Netflix.
01:17:57
>> Yeah. More than one a week. Amazon
01:17:59
Prime.
01:17:59
>> It was one a week. How do they do? One a
01:18:01
week. And then some other people
01:18:02
released it on YouTube, but not a lot.
01:18:04
Maybe seven people on YouTube.
01:18:05
>> Got to give.
01:18:06
>> Yeah. So, so, so it was easy to at least
01:18:09
get your head above water with with a
01:18:11
special
01:18:12
>> and then next year there was, you know,
01:18:14
let's say there was 70.
01:18:16
>> When I released Lucky, I'm guessing
01:18:18
there were a thousand specials released
01:18:20
that year
01:18:21
>> between all of the between like Yeah.
01:18:23
the all ecosystem and releasing it on
01:18:25
YouTube.
01:18:25
>> Yeah. And so to stand out is is so tough
01:18:29
>> that like when I release Root and Totin
01:18:33
>> there's going to be
01:18:33
>> or rack them
01:18:36
another one
01:18:36
>> there will be there will be easily
01:18:38
probably 3,000 specials released that
01:18:40
that yeah that that year and so
01:18:44
>> so yeah I don't know I'm really
01:18:45
fascinated to see what happens with this
01:18:46
business.
01:18:47
>> Yeah, your mind is amazing the way you
01:18:49
process show business. Let's just for a
01:18:51
second right as we mic drop this.
01:18:54
>> You've got your halfhour show on
01:18:56
Netflix.
01:18:57
>> You've got a current special and then
01:18:59
many other on Netflix. You've got your
01:19:01
tours starting up. Yeah.
01:19:03
>> Going to go to Europe playing a lot of
01:19:06
arenas and and you know the Wisconsin
01:19:08
Center like big rooms. What what else?
01:19:11
You have your cooking show.
01:19:13
>> Yeah.
01:19:14
>> And you and Tom still have two cave and
01:19:17
you also have the birdcast.
01:19:18
>> Yeah.
01:19:18
>> Jesus Christ.
01:19:19
>> Okay. Am I missing anything
01:19:20
>> behind me? How the
01:19:21
>> I don't know. You're remembering
01:19:21
everything.
01:19:22
>> I don't know. I just kind of going
01:19:23
through my head. But it is amazing. I
01:19:25
just say you're a force of nature. It's
01:19:27
really remarkable to watch. Freeird
01:19:29
>> Freeird
01:19:30
>> and you're having so much fun with it. I
01:19:32
>> love it. I'm the happiest person alive.
01:19:34
I mean really honestly I Well, you know,
01:19:36
I thought I I Tim Dylan one time said to
01:19:39
me, I was having an anxiety attack and
01:19:40
Tim goes, "Why?"
01:19:42
>> He goes, "It never gets better than
01:19:44
today." I said, "What are you talking
01:19:45
about?" He goes, "Hey, buddy, no one's
01:19:47
told you to quit drinking. You've never
01:19:49
supposed to make this much money. Your
01:19:51
wife loves you. Your kids love you. Your
01:19:52
parents still alive. Your sisters are
01:19:54
doing great. Everything. Today is the
01:19:57
greatest. You'd kill for this. Today's
01:19:58
the greatest day of your life. You got a
01:20:00
TV show coming out. You got movies lined
01:20:02
up. You got you I don't ever need to
01:20:05
work again. I got all the watches I
01:20:06
need. I don't care about cars. Like,
01:20:09
holy [ __ ] Today is the greatest day I'm
01:20:11
ever going to have. Tomorrow could just
01:20:12
get worse. Today is [ __ ] awesome. 10
01:20:15
years ago, very wise you would take this
01:20:17
deal.
01:20:18
>> It's it's beyond anything you think of.
01:20:20
>> 10 years ago, if you had said, "Hey, let
01:20:21
me let me tell you your life. You're
01:20:22
going to first of all, you're going to
01:20:23
hang out with David Dana KBY and David
01:20:25
Davis Paid for the afternoon." Okay,
01:20:26
that's number one. But they're going to
01:20:28
talk about the project that you're doing
01:20:29
for Netflix. They gave you a ton of
01:20:31
money to make a TV show and you'll be
01:20:32
working doing arenas while you're
01:20:34
working on tour. And just so you know,
01:20:36
every [ __ ] Thursday, this black guy's
01:20:39
going to come in the room and [ __ ] you
01:20:40
in the ass. Now, you're not going to
01:20:41
like that. You're not going to like it.
01:20:42
But every Thursday, you got that. But
01:20:43
you get all the other stuff. I go, I'm
01:20:44
in. I'm in. I'll take black eye, too.
01:20:46
>> There's our glad
01:20:47
>> I'm not making him black.
01:20:50
>> It's all right.
01:20:51
>> It's size
01:20:52
>> 2025.
01:20:53
>> Thank you, Bert.
01:20:54
>> I love you, everybody.
01:20:59
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01:21:16
>> Fly on the Wall is presented by Odyssey,
01:21:18
an executive produced by Danny Carvey
01:21:20
and David Spade, Heather Santoro and
01:21:22
Greg Holtzman, Mattie Sprung Kaiser, and
01:21:25
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01:21:27
producer is Greg Holtzman. And the show
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01:21:32
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01:21:36
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01:21:41
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