00:00:00
This one guy said, "What are you looking
00:00:01
at?" I go, "I'm looking at you looking
00:00:03
at me."
00:00:04
>> Yeah. I go, "Not much."
00:00:06
>> "What the is that?
00:00:07
>> What the joke about pickles?
00:00:09
>> What the doing out there playing around,
00:00:12
shuffling around, looking at your
00:00:13
notes?"
00:00:15
>> I went into my dorm at the SAE house and
00:00:18
uh two twin beds and a guy said, "No,
00:00:22
you're I said to the guy, he said,
00:00:24
"Well, this is weird." I said, "Yeah,
00:00:26
should we this one and sleep in this one
00:00:28
or what should we do?
00:00:31
What are you looking at?
00:00:34
>> Do you know what you're looking at?
00:00:37
>> Is it a rhetorical question?
00:00:39
>> Yeah. This one guy said, "What are you
00:00:40
looking at?" I go, "I'm looking at you
00:00:42
looking at me, bitch."
00:00:43
>> Yeah. I go, "Not much.
00:00:47
>> I'm trying to figure it out."
00:00:49
>> I go, "Move." And they go, "Make me." I
00:00:51
go, "I don't make trash. I burn it."
00:00:53
>> Yeah. And if they start coming at them
00:00:55
at me, I just will cut it out and do
00:00:58
this thing. Cut it out.
00:01:00
>> I go like this. Not the face.
00:01:03
>> Oh god. Might be in show business at 10
00:01:06
years. I'm seven years age now.
00:01:09
>> Saving my face for
00:01:13
>> Well, what a rowdy start we have.
00:01:16
>> Whoa. Going right at it. Cavalcade. Uh,
00:01:21
your hair does look good. It's very
00:01:23
fluffy.
00:01:24
>> Um, yeah. I have a a new person cuz it's
00:01:28
closer by to where I live.
00:01:30
>> Mhm. It's sort of like a volcano
00:01:32
shooting out like this.
00:01:35
>> Well, it's 50s. It's 50s. It's alpha.
00:01:40
Never mind. I'll go back to the bangs
00:01:42
later in the podcast.
00:01:43
>> You might have to turn
00:01:44
>> Dana. Can you turn your mic down? No.
00:01:46
I'm just a little amped up, [ __ ]
00:01:48
>> Yeah.
00:01:48
>> Okay. Sorry. I have energy.
00:01:51
>> Sorry. I care about the podcast.
00:01:53
>> Yeah, sorry. I forgot to phone it in.
00:01:55
>> Oh, I just got another one says, "Dana,
00:01:57
can you turn your hair down?"
00:02:00
>> That I can't do. Okay,
00:02:02
>> my sweater is green and everything looks
00:02:04
black in this room, but this is green.
00:02:07
>> Could you tell?
00:02:08
>> Okay, so
00:02:10
uh I'm doing technical stuff. Give me a
00:02:13
second. Talk literally talk to yourself
00:02:16
right now.
00:02:17
>> I will. So, I woke up and I said this.
00:02:19
So, Greg, it's at a five on and then on
00:02:23
the bottom I can put it.
00:02:28
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right.
00:02:31
>> Keep this stuff in because it makes us
00:02:32
more human. Everyone thinks we're super
00:02:35
geniuses.
00:02:38
>> What's the difference between a genius
00:02:39
and a super genius?
00:02:42
>> You have five seconds.
00:02:44
>> I'll tell you when you're in the super
00:02:46
genius club. Can you find the base of an
00:02:49
isosles triangle? You have two seconds.
00:02:52
You have to I have to go find it
00:02:54
somewhere.
00:02:54
>> Well, I don't you said can you if you're
00:02:56
a brainiac, you ought to be able to find
00:02:58
the base of an isosles triangle. See the
00:03:00
haircut and the glasses. It's a brand
00:03:03
new me.
00:03:04
>> It is. I think it feels like it's either
00:03:06
an ode to Coachella or you are at
00:03:08
Coachella.
00:03:11
The idea of me
00:03:14
I'll do it with this guy. The very idea
00:03:19
of going to the desert
00:03:22
>> to watch 10,000
00:03:25
adolescent
00:03:27
drugged out kids pee their pants and
00:03:30
worship their god on the stage who's
00:03:34
only playing YouTube videos. Is not my
00:03:37
idea fun. Hi.
00:03:38
>> Did I get that right?
00:03:40
>> See, I popped in. I popped in there,
00:03:42
too.
00:03:42
>> You know something?
00:03:43
>> No, I love Coachella.
00:03:45
>> I love crowds and like I like to get
00:03:47
into a big crowd of people.
00:03:49
>> Yeah. You know, I like pay $54 for a
00:03:52
tootsie roll.
00:03:53
>> Yeah. I love it to, you know, out in the
00:03:55
desert Coachella, you know? I mean, I
00:03:57
like hiding behind a cactus because
00:04:00
Yeah, I like pooping dirt clouds for the
00:04:03
next two weeks.
00:04:05
It's nice if you like wind and sand. I
00:04:07
mean, I'm one of those people that know
00:04:09
it, you know, an outhouse is a wonderful
00:04:11
adventure, you know, it's just like a
00:04:13
it's not never really cleared out. It
00:04:16
sort of adds on to itself and it's a
00:04:18
very exciting actually.
00:04:21
>> I always envy the people that do uh only
00:04:24
fans uh have sex in the outhouse. I
00:04:27
think there's probably better location
00:04:30
scouting we can do. Is this only fans?
00:04:33
Like only our fans or only anyone's
00:04:36
fans?
00:04:36
>> Only fans is just porn. Yeah.
00:04:38
>> I got it because it could, you know,
00:04:40
>> and they only fans used to be like the
00:04:42
girls getting like cheeky or a little
00:04:44
naked. Now it's like if you're not doing
00:04:46
full porn, get out. Get off the site.
00:04:48
Get off.
00:04:49
>> Yeah. You take your non porn site.
00:04:53
That's right. AND GET THE HELL OUT OF
00:04:56
HERE.
00:04:56
>> GOOD.
00:04:58
GO. GO. Just leave. Oh, I I also have
00:05:02
something else to tell you. I like and
00:05:03
I'm gonna go back to Coachella
00:05:05
>> is that I like things that I could just
00:05:07
tell you on a phone call, but we'll use
00:05:09
podcast. Someone told me they were doing
00:05:11
sets up near you.
00:05:14
>> And I go, "Are there any sets to do up
00:05:16
by where Du I can't even say the city,
00:05:20
but I said up there." And they go, "Oh,
00:05:22
yeah. There's a couple rooms." I'm like,
00:05:23
"Oh, Dana should go in there and do
00:05:25
>> Well, what are these uh college rooms?"
00:05:28
And you're
00:05:28
>> No, they're just little like clubs. They
00:05:30
do a comedy night. But that'd be fun.
00:05:31
You could go crush.
00:05:32
>> Send me the info cuz I've got a lot of
00:05:35
new material.
00:05:36
>> I know. You could go there. I saw Nean
00:05:38
last night.
00:05:40
>> He's always in shape. He's always
00:05:42
>> Nean was trying some stuff at the store.
00:05:44
I went on after.
00:05:45
>> You don't try material at the store.
00:05:47
>> I know. We were discussing that when
00:05:50
you're playing a auditorium theater on
00:05:52
the road where people are paying a lot.
00:05:53
It's almost easier to throw in a new
00:05:55
joke in the middle of two that work
00:05:57
because you also want to try new stuff
00:05:59
for them. But that's fine.
00:06:00
>> But they're paying and they have
00:06:01
babysitters and you're like, I don't
00:06:02
want to give them any iffiness of a
00:06:05
show. I want everything to work. And
00:06:07
then at the comedy store, all these
00:06:09
famous comics are standing around and
00:06:11
you're like, I don't know. I They're
00:06:13
going to watch me go, this is the
00:06:15
garbage you're selling these days. I'm
00:06:17
like, it's new material night. Oh, come
00:06:20
on. It's 500 people. It's 60 bucks a
00:06:23
ticket. You've got the biggest stars in
00:06:25
show business around. I'm gonna try out
00:06:28
this chunk about going to Sears Robuck
00:06:31
with my dad as a kid. Five minutes of
00:06:34
silence and then you got to face full
00:06:36
Bill Burr backstage. What the [ __ ] was
00:06:39
that?
00:06:40
>> What the [ __ ]
00:06:40
>> Talk about pickles.
00:06:42
>> What the [ __ ] you doing up there playing
00:06:43
around, shuffling around, looking at
00:06:45
your notes?
00:06:46
>> Did I tell you one time I had the hiccup
00:06:49
stage?
00:06:50
>> I had the hiccups on stage after dinner
00:06:52
and I had to go on. I'm like, "Oh,
00:06:53
shoot." And so I'm like I was in the O
00:06:56
original room smaller and I'm like
00:06:59
anyway I'm hicking uping like this and
00:07:01
it's so it's funny for about a minute
00:07:03
and I can't really do my act cuz I can't
00:07:05
really talk. It's so much.
00:07:07
>> Yeah.
00:07:08
>> Some I was like of course wanted to go
00:07:10
to the hospital cuz I'm such a [ __ ]
00:07:12
But then I finally go
00:07:14
>> I Yeah. I finally go I can't just do my
00:07:15
act because I'm
00:07:17
>> It's not funny anymore now. It's like
00:07:18
just talk, dude. I'm like So I go, "Hey,
00:07:22
who's next? I'm sorry. I'm just going to
00:07:23
bring up the next bird. This is
00:07:25
ridiculous. And then they go, someone
00:07:27
yells, "It's Bill Bur." I go, "Oh, no,
00:07:29
no, no, no, no, no."
00:07:30
>> And I go, and then I hear, "What? I got
00:07:33
five more minutes." They go, "No." Spade
00:07:35
wants you up. I I'm watching the hallway
00:07:37
silent going. And then he comes, pokes
00:07:39
his head, and he goes, "Shut the [ __ ]
00:07:41
up. What's going on?" And I go, "Ladies
00:07:44
and gentlemen, Bill Burr." He comes up.
00:07:46
He goes, "In all my [ __ ] years, this
00:07:49
guy's got the hiccups. I gotta go on
00:07:52
because the guy's got the hiccups. I was
00:07:53
like the worst guy to follow to just sit
00:07:56
there and
00:07:57
>> rip. Yeah. He could do 20 minutes
00:08:00
probably hiccups. You know who invented
00:08:03
hiccups? You know what? What do you got?
00:08:05
You got to have a [ __ ] name for
00:08:06
everything. It just means your throat's
00:08:08
kind of spasming. You got to go on plan.
00:08:10
We need a name. What's your last name?
00:08:12
Hiccup. That's what I'm going to call
00:08:13
these [ __ ] things. Good night.
00:08:16
>> No, I He's like, do men really get
00:08:19
hiccups? thought that was for chicks.
00:08:21
>> I had once in a while because I had
00:08:24
chronic bronchitis when I was doing 10
00:08:26
hours a week of standup, you know, I'd
00:08:28
be I had a cough. So, every time I
00:08:31
coughed, I either shoot my leg out or
00:08:33
just go
00:08:34
>> I'd let it spasm me and that helped me
00:08:38
>> in your act. You did it.
00:08:40
>> Yeah. Every time I cough because I
00:08:41
couldn't suppress the cough. So, I'm
00:08:42
going anyway. Well, isn't that special?
00:08:45
>> I like how isn't that special is always
00:08:47
your go-to joke you're doing. Oh, well,
00:08:49
hey, the lady in its day was considered
00:08:51
pretty cool.
00:08:55
>> Let's talk for just a quick second about
00:08:57
upgrading your energy game because
00:08:59
caffeine doesn't have to be boring.
00:09:03
>> No.
00:09:03
>> Five hour energy shots are changing
00:09:05
things up with tasty caffeine in 17 bold
00:09:09
flavors. The one I keep coming back to
00:09:11
is the birthday cake flavor. It
00:09:13
literally tastes
00:09:15
>> like I'd say a vanilla cake. Buttery
00:09:18
confetti style notes
00:09:23
celebration in a bottle and somehow you
00:09:26
get all that flavor with zero sugar, no
00:09:29
cake, no guilt.
00:09:32
So it's so it's all cake, no guilt
00:09:37
>> on top of that.
00:09:37
>> But you're not eating a real cake.
00:09:40
>> You're not eating a real cake. It tastes
00:09:42
like cake. On top of that, you're
00:09:43
getting as much caffeine as a 12 oz
00:09:45
premium cup of coffee without the sugar
00:09:48
crash. And since it's just a 2 oz shot,
00:09:51
it's easy to take with you wherever the
00:09:54
day goes. It's a big flavor packed into
00:09:56
a tiny bottle, David. And it actually
00:09:58
makes your energy boost something to
00:09:59
look forward to. Fuel your day with
00:10:02
tasty caffeine. Available in stores and
00:10:05
online at 5hour energy.com or Amazon.
00:10:08
>> Yep. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade
00:10:10
with 5-hour energy shots. Get yours in
00:10:13
store and online at www.fhourenery.com
00:10:17
or Amazon today. Oh, by the way, I know
00:10:20
you like sports. I don't know much about
00:10:22
the WNBA, but they had a draft recently
00:10:24
and I walked by the TV. The first three
00:10:26
picks were women. I was like, okay, good
00:10:29
luck. I don't know what they're doing
00:10:32
over there. I mean, I'm all for
00:10:33
equality, but
00:10:34
>> what do you mean? I I didn't get the
00:10:36
joke. What do you mean?
00:10:37
>> Well, whatever the WNBA is, they're
00:10:39
picking women first. Yeah, right.
00:10:43
>> Oh, it's the women's Oh, okay.
00:10:45
>> It's the Women's National Basketball
00:10:46
Association.
00:10:47
>> That makes more sense.
00:10:48
>> Good. I saved it. Early onset dementia
00:10:52
comes up in different forms.
00:10:53
>> No, that was my bit.
00:10:55
>> Oh, that was the bit
00:10:56
>> that I don't really know much about it,
00:10:57
but why are they I lost the setup, so
00:11:00
maybe I have early onset. Yeah, I know.
00:11:03
I I like seeing
00:11:05
>> this is why I don't do it at the comedy
00:11:06
store.
00:11:07
>> You know what? Because this is a
00:11:10
podcast, you can try out anything
00:11:12
because you're everyone knows. Clearly,
00:11:15
we're not prepared intentionally.
00:11:18
>> Clearly, it so far hasn't worked for you
00:11:20
and Heather, but other than that, I
00:11:22
think it's got a lot of promise.
00:11:24
>> Which one?
00:11:25
>> Hope to my joke.
00:11:26
>> Okay. Well, all right. Uh I don't know
00:11:29
if I
00:11:30
>> Let's go back to Coachella. I will tell
00:11:32
you this.
00:11:32
>> Oh, yeah. You heard Bieber played his
00:11:34
laptop and played
00:11:38
YouTube video of him. I think it was
00:11:40
himself
00:11:41
>> right
00:11:42
>> and he just sat back and we all they all
00:11:43
listened to it or I what was it? They
00:11:47
listened to Justin Bieber or he sang
00:11:48
along with himself.
00:11:51
>> What do you Wait, did he what? Ask the
00:11:53
question again.
00:11:54
>> No, he sang it at Coachella. Bieber had
00:11:56
a laptop. He played YouTube and then he
00:12:00
would play him he played himself, right?
00:12:02
He played himself when he was younger,
00:12:03
though.
00:12:03
>> Yeah, when he was younger. I think it's
00:12:04
kind of cool. I kind of liked Bieber's
00:12:07
lowfi approach, but a lot of people
00:12:09
didn't like it, but a lot of people did.
00:12:11
>> Well, I I I as a casual observer, I
00:12:15
think when you deconstruct something and
00:12:17
go that lowfi when it's like 100,000
00:12:20
people in the desert,
00:12:21
>> it's it's kind of a next level move to
00:12:24
make it into a 10seater in the valley.
00:12:27
>> Yeah, it's cool. You make people listen.
00:12:30
Yeah, they have to be quiet. And they're
00:12:32
like, you know, it's either that or you
00:12:33
have big satanic ritual. I like that he
00:12:35
kind of just kept it small.
00:12:38
>> You know, anybody who's got, let's call
00:12:39
them 300 tucked. Okay. If you have 300
00:12:42
tucked,
00:12:43
>> million.
00:12:44
>> Yeah. And it's tucked. It's tight. It's
00:12:46
after tax. It's a wall. Um, it just
00:12:49
informs your life. I've talked about
00:12:51
this a lot. You got the cliff notes. And
00:12:53
>> it just makes you more your authentic
00:12:56
self because he's not dancing for his
00:12:58
donuts. He's not up there. Am I good?
00:13:00
He's Justin [ __ ] Bieber. And if you
00:13:02
don't like it, you go [ __ ] go to Palm
00:13:05
Springs.
00:13:06
>> Yeah.
00:13:07
>> Get the hell out of Coachella.
00:13:09
>> I haven't performed in my boxers lately,
00:13:11
but I'm thinking about it.
00:13:13
>> You need cowboy boots. You need boxers.
00:13:16
You need a hoodie over the top where we
00:13:18
they can't see your face. Like a huge
00:13:20
hoodie.
00:13:21
>> And then you got to take the best bits
00:13:23
of my act and see if you can score. I go
00:13:26
on a jock strap and a sailor hat and I
00:13:30
do my best.
00:13:32
>> You're dressed as a a four-year-old
00:13:34
school girl with a lollipop and you have
00:13:36
big braids
00:13:37
>> and you desting
00:13:43
I'm thinking of doing some stuff like
00:13:44
that if I
00:13:45
>> I have Okay. I have another thing about
00:13:47
Sabrina Carpenter that you didn't know.
00:13:49
>> Oh. Oh. Oh, Sabi. I love
00:13:52
>> Oh, you probably know her from when you
00:13:53
did Biden. Did you see her out there?
00:13:55
Um, yeah. I think she was on the show.
00:13:58
You know, I went up and said, "Could I
00:14:00
get an autograph?" And
00:14:01
>> I'm Dana.
00:14:02
>> She goes,
00:14:03
>> "Uh, no. I know." I walked over and
00:14:05
said, "You know, my uncle was a
00:14:07
carpenter."
00:14:08
>> And she said, she was very sweet, really
00:14:11
nice. Then she asked if she could get a
00:14:13
picture with me. I said, "Hey, you got
00:14:16
any money?"
00:14:18
>> I And I'm jealous because I saw the
00:14:20
50th. She was in the crowd and I whipped
00:14:22
over to do my joke in the audience.
00:14:23
>> Mhm. Didn't even look. Couldn't care
00:14:25
less.
00:14:27
>> Didn't look at me.
00:14:28
>> I walked by like this. I'm going to do a
00:14:31
bit in about 25 seconds.
00:14:34
She was like this.
00:14:36
Anyway, she was at Coachella. And why is
00:14:40
this a controversy? It's so nothing.
00:14:42
Somebody I take her side for being a
00:14:45
performer. Someone is making noise and
00:14:48
she stops playing. Goes, "What is that
00:14:50
noise?" And they go, "I'm yodelling."
00:14:53
And so someone's yodeling now. Yod.
00:14:56
>> Now yodelling can get loud. I don't know
00:14:58
if you do it a lot. I don't if you hear
00:14:59
it a lot.
00:15:00
>> I know all about yodeling.
00:15:02
>> I know all about yod.
00:15:03
>> I know all about
00:15:06
I'm from I was born in yodel Iowa. I was
00:15:09
born in a town called Yodel. So,
00:15:12
>> but look, it's either it's either
00:15:14
supportive or it's or it's disruptive.
00:15:18
>> Well, I'm telling you, even if it's
00:15:19
supportive, it's like I don't bring my
00:15:21
supportive air horn to shows. Like if
00:15:22
someone's going,
00:15:25
you go, "Okay." And then they yelled,
00:15:27
"It's a cultural thing." She goes,
00:15:28
"Well, I I I don't love it during my
00:15:31
shows." Or something. And then they
00:15:33
>> And they're like, "She said I don't like
00:15:35
it."
00:15:36
>> Yeah. She said,
00:15:36
>> "Yeah, she's
00:15:37
>> a very casual show."
00:15:39
>> Yeah.
00:15:40
>> Which is fair.
00:15:42
>> She's on the show. What's distracting
00:15:44
you? And someone does it for attention.
00:15:46
I'm sure it's sure part of their
00:15:48
culture, but you know, if you're making
00:15:50
a lot of noise,
00:15:52
>> it's not. There's a time and place.
00:15:53
Yeah. So,
00:15:54
>> yeah.
00:15:54
>> Then they go, "Is she going to get
00:15:56
cancelled?" I'm like, "Let's quit
00:15:57
throwing around canled for whatever the
00:15:59
[ __ ] happens.
00:16:00
>> Should we ruin her life for this?
00:16:02
>> It's just making it's so exciting. She
00:16:04
could get cancelled. Well, I mean,
00:16:06
>> some when I was younger and naive, I'd
00:16:08
go to shows and I would bring up a
00:16:10
typewriter, a really loud oldfashioned
00:16:12
one, and I would just doing that and I
00:16:16
couldn't believe that Stevie Wonder
00:16:18
went, "What's that?" You know,
00:16:19
>> and you go, "You should know a lot of
00:16:21
noises."
00:16:22
>> Who's the who's the yodelling woman who
00:16:25
uh who's a a singer and she can yodel
00:16:28
Jewel?
00:16:28
>> Jewel.
00:16:30
>> Yeah. So, maybe it was Jewel
00:16:32
>> voice. I don't think it was Jewel, but
00:16:34
that's, you know, something like that.
00:16:35
Jewel would not do that to her.
00:16:37
>> No. No. Uh, yeah. Jewelry is her twin
00:16:41
sister. She's a She's She's nasty.
00:16:46
That's all I got, man. I told you I
00:16:47
don't have a script.
00:16:49
>> You do not.
00:16:50
>> I do not. I'm official. Official.
00:16:54
>> Wait a minute.
00:16:56
>> Is that Is that what you think's funny?
00:16:58
To just make up things that aren't funny
00:17:00
at all. Do you find that funny?
00:17:03
>> Is not funny funny.
00:17:04
>> Not funny funny. Bus boys.
00:17:07
>> April what? 21st
00:17:09
>> 17.
00:17:10
>> April 17th. Okay.
00:17:12
>> I have a I have a story for Pierce.
00:17:14
>> Okay. All right. I'm here with David
00:17:17
Spade and he's got a story for me. What
00:17:19
do you have to say?
00:17:20
>> I said, Pierce, did you hear this? Story
00:17:22
is a little rough around the edge. I
00:17:23
can't tell it all, but it's the Ruby
00:17:24
Rose Katy Perry story.
00:17:26
>> Well, I'd love to hear it.
00:17:28
>> It's a little rough. I don't know if
00:17:29
Danny can handle it. Uh Katie Perry.
00:17:33
>> Katie Perry of course
00:17:34
>> started by making a comment about
00:17:36
Bieber's performance.
00:17:37
>> Bieber. Yes.
00:17:38
>> And Ruby Rose, this beautiful actress
00:17:40
that
00:17:42
>> is in whatever. But I've I know her
00:17:44
face. She says, "Oh, something to the
00:17:47
effect of who's listening to you after
00:17:48
you sa me 10 years ago, 20 years ago,
00:17:53
which means
00:17:55
assault, right?
00:17:57
>> Sexual assault.
00:17:58
>> Sexual assault. We can say it." So
00:18:00
>> sexual assault.
00:18:02
>> Yeah. And she goes and it says,
00:18:03
"Remember when I was trying to hide from
00:18:06
you? I was hugging this other woman. I
00:18:08
was down trying to hide when you walked
00:18:10
in and you came over and are you ready
00:18:12
for this beers?
00:18:13
>> I I I'm always
00:18:16
>> leaned over, crouched over me, pulled
00:18:18
your underpants to the side, and then
00:18:22
pushed your
00:18:24
JJ on my face. And I got up and
00:18:27
projectile vomited. This is a fun story
00:18:30
I read today.
00:18:31
>> Is that in USA Today?
00:18:33
>> So projectile bombing and underwear
00:18:35
moving about. I is this
00:18:36
>> moving about? Yeah.
00:18:38
>> Underwear out of place with projectile
00:18:41
bombing. Is that your idea of a fun
00:18:43
story to start a podcast? Do you think
00:18:45
people would like this?
00:18:46
>> I know. Everyone just crashed into a
00:18:48
tree. I almost did. I was like, I can't
00:18:50
even hear this story, so I have to ruin
00:18:51
someone else's day.
00:18:52
>> Oh, someone's here who also listened to
00:18:54
this story. I don't know if she'll
00:18:56
comment or not, but
00:19:02
>> I like in full bug eyes mode.
00:19:09
>> That was taken 30 years ago.
00:19:13
>> She's ageless. An energy of uh Hey um of
00:19:20
a gladiator.
00:19:21
>> What else you have?
00:19:22
>> So that story is sickening. What else?
00:19:24
Uh, that was great.
00:19:26
>> Yeah, that's a real fun picture to
00:19:28
paint.
00:19:28
>> That was a good one.
00:19:29
>> And then, so Coachella is done.
00:19:32
>> Yeah.
00:19:33
>> Uh, did my WNBA joke that killed what
00:19:36
else?
00:19:38
>> Oh, I Let me see. Oh, this this will be
00:19:43
on on like the 20th
00:19:47
17.
00:19:49
>> So, it's April 20th today.
00:19:53
>> Okay.
00:19:55
Look at Dana. Like that meme with the
00:19:57
woman with all the numbers above her
00:19:59
head.
00:20:01
>> Yes. April 20.
00:20:02
>> So funny.
00:20:03
>> Want to get on your calculator?
00:20:05
>> Yes.
00:20:06
>> So, uh, what else did you do this
00:20:09
weekend that is of note and very
00:20:12
important to talk about?
00:20:14
>> Fed the horses.
00:20:16
>> Okay, that's up there. I don't know if
00:20:18
it's at the top, but it's up there. I
00:20:21
watched
00:20:22
the Masters.
00:20:24
>> Oh, right.
00:20:25
>> Yeah. With Rory Maroy.
00:20:29
>> Do you know what the difference between
00:20:30
a hooker
00:20:31
>> and Rory Mroy
00:20:33
>> and a rooster is?
00:20:34
>> Hooker and a rooster. No.
00:20:37
>> A rooster says cockaoodle do and a
00:20:40
hooker says any [ __ ] will do. You know,
00:20:42
we're going to go to a commercial.
00:20:49
What's the difference between Tiger
00:20:50
Woods and Rory Mroy?
00:20:53
>> Go ahead.
00:20:54
>> One won the Masters, the ones in rehab
00:20:55
in Switzerland.
00:20:57
>> Is he in Switzerland? He gets to go to a
00:20:59
good horse.
00:21:00
>> He took a course. Wouldn't you want to
00:21:03
go to Switzerland?
00:21:05
>> I mean, my god.
00:21:06
>> Yeah. I mean, I'm neutral around the
00:21:08
whole idea.
00:21:09
>> Do you think that's performative?
00:21:11
>> No.
00:21:13
>> He does feel like I should go.
00:21:15
>> I think Switzerland. It's a little
00:21:17
quieter. He's in the mountains. He
00:21:19
probably they let him go up to the
00:21:22
mountains and sing the hills are alive
00:21:24
with the sound of music. I mean, it's
00:21:25
cool.
00:21:26
>> Can you sing it? You
00:21:28
>> I wonder if he knows I mentioned him on
00:21:30
Howard Stern.
00:21:32
>> Uh Howard mentioned him.
00:21:34
>> I root for Tiger Woods. That's all I'm
00:21:36
going to say. I root for Tiger Woods.
00:21:38
>> Tiger's a really, really, really good
00:21:40
friend of mine. And you're an you're a
00:21:41
business acquaintance of mine. H I guess
00:21:45
I'm an actual fan of Tiger Woods. And
00:21:47
you were like, I guess he's a good
00:21:48
golfer. What?
00:21:50
>> I go, who is he? He's famous. Okay, I'll
00:21:52
do it.
00:21:55
>> Well, the other guy, the guy who got no
00:21:57
attention in in the 90s, young golfer,
00:21:59
great golfer called Rooster Branch. And
00:22:03
uh Rooster Branch was as good as Tiger
00:22:05
Woods.
00:22:07
>> So I was going for a real one.
00:22:09
>> Yeah, Rooster Branch. He was He always
00:22:11
went under to play off his name.
00:22:13
>> Tiger Woodang
00:22:15
>> branch substitutes for woods.
00:22:18
>> I know.
00:22:18
>> Tiger. I don't know how I go tiger to
00:22:20
rooster. It's two animals. It'd be more
00:22:22
like leopard lumber.
00:22:25
>> It almost took me back to the disgusting
00:22:28
joke about you said about the hooker and
00:22:30
the rooster.
00:22:32
>> Uh you've been you've been dancing
00:22:34
between PG-13 and R. And
00:22:37
>> I'm making it rough. That Katy Perry
00:22:39
story is rough. You know, she's probably
00:22:40
backpedaling all the way back to Mars.
00:22:43
She
00:22:44
>> Well, also, go ahead.
00:22:48
>> What about Baldini? Lauren left a
00:22:52
message for me.
00:22:53
>> Oh, Lauren. Lauren Michaels.
00:22:55
>> Uh, Baldini's lawyer. They threw out 10
00:22:58
of the 13 charges. I think that Lively
00:23:02
and Reynolds have have a really strong
00:23:04
play in their back pocket. Um,
00:23:07
otherwise, why would they go to trial?
00:23:09
That's great. Lauren, when's your movie
00:23:10
come out? Um, we're going opposite bus
00:23:13
boys. So, um, I'm feeling like really,
00:23:16
really good about it.
00:23:18
>> Oh my god. I want to give a plug to
00:23:22
Roommates. I was going to go to that
00:23:24
premiere last night, which is
00:23:26
>> Roommates,
00:23:27
>> Sadie Sandler's movie on Netflix.
00:23:30
>> Great.
00:23:31
>> A good old school college comedy. She
00:23:35
moves in with a roommate and uh you
00:23:38
know, you get just pushed together and I
00:23:41
think there's friction.
00:23:43
I'm not going to give everything away,
00:23:45
but it's a good comedy. You know, we had
00:23:47
Animal House. We had a lot of those. We
00:23:49
did PCU in the old days. Um,
00:23:52
>> did you ever live in a dorm and have a
00:23:55
randomly assigned roommate?
00:23:58
>> I stay Heather did. Heather raised her
00:24:02
hand.
00:24:04
>> I story.
00:24:05
>> Oh, go ahead. You can tell yours.
00:24:07
>> It's not that It's not that exotic, but
00:24:08
it is weird. You get in the room,
00:24:10
there's two twin beds, you know. So, I
00:24:12
set up my stuff on one side and wait for
00:24:13
the roommate. Guy comes in. Hey, I'm
00:24:16
Paul. You know, what's up? Okay, this is
00:24:18
tiny room. And so, it's like, okay, time
00:24:20
to go to sleep. So, I get my little
00:24:22
single bed. He's over there. And then
00:24:24
we're just chatting a little bit. The
00:24:25
lights are out. Um, so I at the end he
00:24:28
goes, "And so what do you say you do
00:24:29
again?" And I I said, and I guess I was
00:24:31
muffled in the pillow. I said, "I'm a
00:24:33
comedian." Okay. Then we slept. Later on
00:24:37
the next day, he said, "So, how long
00:24:40
have you been a communist?" He thought
00:24:42
comedian muffled. He thought I said
00:24:45
communist somehow.
00:24:47
>> Isn't that fascinating? You want should
00:24:48
we take a break? We should take a break
00:24:50
right now. People laugh for that.
00:24:54
I went into my dorm at the SAE house and
00:24:58
uh two twin beds
00:25:00
>> and the guy said,
00:25:01
>> "No, here I said to the guy." He said,
00:25:04
"Well, this is weird." I said, "Yeah,
00:25:06
should we [ __ ] in this one and sleep in
00:25:07
this one or what should we do?"
00:25:12
>> Oh, we laughed. Oh my god.
00:25:15
>> My first roommate said, you know, he
00:25:17
stood up. There was blood trickling down
00:25:18
the front and he had a machete and a
00:25:20
knife. He goes, "Pick your poison." Oh
00:25:24
no. And he's I'll kill you either way.
00:25:26
>> So I called the dorm monitor and go this
00:25:28
is I don't know if this is going to work
00:25:29
out.
00:25:29
>> This is Dana and 5G.
00:25:33
>> Uh it was for Duchi Hall and it was boy
00:25:36
girl 15 floors. Do the math
00:25:39
>> dude. Manzanita was the dorm right next
00:25:42
to mine.
00:25:43
>> And I think I told you this. I got a
00:25:45
little
00:25:46
>> I got a little juiced. I had a few
00:25:48
knocks at the SE party. I walked this
00:25:51
girl home. She goes, I I said I can
00:25:53
drive you. Meanwhile, it's 200 yards.
00:25:56
Meanwhile, I just want to show her I
00:25:58
have a car. It's a horrible old Volvo.
00:26:01
Big stick shift.
00:26:04
So, she's like, "Sure." I drive
00:26:10
100 ft out of the 200. I get pulled
00:26:12
over.
00:26:14
I don't need the dance mix.
00:26:18
So, I pull over. She's standing there.
00:26:20
She was on the ASU calendar and I had no
00:26:23
heat. I would This is just pure luck.
00:26:25
I'm just driving her home. Just driving
00:26:26
home 200 yards.
00:26:28
>> So, what is the problem?
00:26:30
>> Problem is, you could drive drunk back
00:26:32
then. I think it was one of the last
00:26:33
years. I was drunk,
00:26:36
but I get out.
00:26:37
>> Well, you're going 200 yards. Okay,
00:26:39
>> I'm going to I'm just basically in
00:26:40
neutral roll.
00:26:41
>> You're likely buzzed.
00:26:42
>> I've got a I've had a few snorts and uh
00:26:46
anyway, the cop throws me in handcuffs.
00:26:50
And I'm like, "This I'll I'll be over
00:26:53
soon. I just have to deal with this."
00:26:55
She's like, "Later." This guy ruins it
00:26:58
so bad. Takes me to jail.
00:27:00
>> He goes, "You have a warrant." And it's
00:27:02
like on those TikTok videos like I go,
00:27:03
"You can't do this." I don't say that.
00:27:05
I'm not smart enough. He just goes,
00:27:07
"You're going to jail?" I go, "For
00:27:08
what?" He goes, "A warrant." I go, "Oh."
00:27:10
I don't even ask what it's for. I just
00:27:11
go, "Oh, no." Then I get to jail and I'm
00:27:14
like this. And I go, "What? What? Wait,
00:27:17
what's my warrant for? What did I I
00:27:19
don't do anything wrong. I'm perfect.
00:27:20
And he goes,
00:27:21
>> "You have three unpaid speeding
00:27:23
tickets."
00:27:24
>> Oh.
00:27:25
>> And he shows them to me and it's my
00:27:27
brother Andy signed them.
00:27:29
>> Oh my.
00:27:30
>> My brother had a warrant. So he said he
00:27:32
was me.
00:27:34
>> And then he just said, "I don't have my
00:27:35
ID, but this is my name and birthday."
00:27:37
And then those built up,
00:27:39
>> threw me in the clank.
00:27:41
>> Mike Sterner, this comedian that I did
00:27:43
open mics with, came down and got me out
00:27:45
for 200 bucks. So, I stayed the night.
00:27:49
I'm a hardcore dude. I don't even get
00:27:51
it.
00:27:51
>> That was a good story. That was a really
00:27:53
good twist. Well, my friend and I uh in
00:27:55
front of Verduchi Hall, we would we had
00:27:57
a Volkswagen bug. So, we were just
00:27:59
drinking beer and driving, right? But
00:28:00
not not a lot of beer, but we get out
00:28:03
and this pretend campus policeman's
00:28:05
like, "You guys are in trouble, you
00:28:07
know?" So, and first we were kind of
00:28:10
like, "Okay." So, we went to the dorm,
00:28:11
the desk, and then I said, "Who's your
00:28:13
supervisor?" Let that be. I go, I'm
00:28:15
going to call him. So I called. I go,
00:28:17
we're getting harassed here by what is
00:28:19
it? Dave.
00:28:21
>> So we got off, but we weren't driving
00:28:23
drunk. We just had a couple of beers.
00:28:26
They all
00:28:27
>> don't do as we do, what we say. You know
00:28:31
what I mean?
00:28:33
>> But your story is interesting. I hope
00:28:35
Andy apologized.
00:28:37
>> Not really, but yeah,
00:28:38
>> that that tricky little
00:28:40
>> Andy could not care less. I will say
00:28:42
that. I can safely say that.
00:28:43
>> Yes.
00:28:46
>> Yeah.
00:28:46
>> But he's cool. I talked to him two days
00:28:49
ago.
00:28:49
>> Uh, he's a He was a young man, too.
00:28:53
>> He was the stud of the school. Actually,
00:28:54
he got me some heat there at the school
00:28:56
because everyone liked him. So, they
00:28:57
were like, "No, who are you?" Okay. If
00:28:59
you're if anybody related to him, you're
00:29:01
cool.
00:29:01
>> God, I wish I went.
00:29:02
>> That's a good deal. But they kissed my
00:29:04
ass when I was a pledge.
00:29:06
>> Mhm.
00:29:07
>> And the second I was active, they're
00:29:09
like, "Get down. Give me 20. Take this
00:29:14
toothbrush. Walk wash out the [ __ ]
00:29:16
I'm like,
00:29:17
wait, what? I I'm the guy you were just
00:29:20
kissing his ass two minutes ago.
00:29:23
>> Why am I
00:29:23
>> Yeah, now you're in. We tricked you.
00:29:26
>> Now you're a pledge and you're a scrub
00:29:29
and we're going to put paprika in your
00:29:31
hair and tell you what to do all night
00:29:32
and make you drink. I'm like, huh?
00:29:35
>> Was that a dream? Was that a positive
00:29:38
thing they were saying to you at the
00:29:39
moment or a negative? Negative.
00:29:41
>> It's negative. So, why did you sign up
00:29:43
for Fi Delta C? Didn't you see Animal
00:29:45
House with John Belalushi?
00:29:47
>> I know, but they just tricked you
00:29:48
because they say that you're the
00:29:49
greatest guy in the world and then they
00:29:51
go,
00:29:52
>> that's for starters, you're not the
00:29:53
greatest guy in the world. I'm like,
00:29:56
I was so bamboozled, man.
00:29:58
>> So, you've you've changed a lot since
00:30:00
you were 19 cuz anytime someone would
00:30:02
talk to you, you just go
00:30:05
>> I know. You've only had so young and
00:30:07
innocent and trusting. Where'd you get
00:30:09
the snappy comedian from? What you just
00:30:11
like?
00:30:12
>> Snappy guy.
00:30:14
>> This is you going to junior con
00:30:16
>> just from hiding stuffing feelings down.
00:30:19
>> Oh, Dana. All right, let's do some news
00:30:21
stories and we'll really get on this
00:30:22
unless you have more riveting. You have
00:30:24
anything?
00:30:24
>> Not at all. I just think it's kind of
00:30:26
interesting that
00:30:28
>> Bernie Bernie Sanders is the kingmaker
00:30:31
of the Democratic party.
00:30:33
>> Does he decide who's like going to run?
00:30:35
He got Maldinian and other people's his
00:30:38
best friend.
00:30:39
>> Go ahead. What? Is he going to talk?
00:30:42
>> I guess he should talk. The premise is
00:30:46
funny. I don't have the [ __ ] puppet
00:30:47
near me.
00:30:48
>> Why the [ __ ] is he even asleep?
00:30:51
>> The millionaire. The puppets 84 years
00:30:54
old. It's made of cardboard from 1921.
00:30:57
>> Yeah. The millionaires and the
00:30:59
billionaires. The billionaires. I'm
00:31:01
Bernie Sanders.
00:31:03
I don't have a bit I guess. I don't
00:31:05
know.
00:31:06
>> How about this? There's another
00:31:08
straight.
00:31:10
>> You know the straight or hormuz. Now
00:31:12
there's another straight but it puts
00:31:13
straight at the end. It's called Baba
00:31:16
Almand Straight and it's off the Red Sea
00:31:20
and it's nickname is the gate of tears.
00:31:23
>> Yeah, I've been there.
00:31:24
>> So later on when I when we do our uh
00:31:26
buzzing around, I'm going to do a little
00:31:28
thing about that.
00:31:28
>> We can do it right now.
00:31:30
>> What? All right.
00:31:32
>> Yeah, I went here. I had an Airbnb at
00:31:34
that gate of tears one time.
00:31:37
It's not exciting. You just watch oil
00:31:38
tankers go by.
00:31:40
>> The gate of tears. Now you
00:31:44
>> who is buzzing around? Oh no. Where's
00:31:47
the segment? I got to introduce it.
00:31:48
>> You got to introduce the segment. Damn.
00:31:50
>> Scramble. Scramble.
00:31:52
>> You're on your You gota be on your own
00:31:53
for
00:31:54
>> Nope. Nope. Not on my own once. Not for
00:31:57
one second.
00:32:01
Okay, guess what? Uh
00:32:04
>> oh, it's that time again.
00:32:08
>> It's time for buzzing around.
00:32:11
Sponsored by 5 Energy with a wide
00:32:13
variety of bold flavors to choose from.
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00:32:19
>> but zero sugar, zero sugar crash. Find
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fiveour energy shots online at 5our
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energy.com or Amazon today. So, I'm
00:32:29
gonna give Dana
00:32:30
>> Okay. Well, I have
00:32:32
>> Let Dana on his own and he's gonna
00:32:34
scenario
00:32:36
>> and uh we're gonna laugh.
00:32:38
>> I had so much fun doing Hans or Hans and
00:32:41
Fron last week. So this week they're uh
00:32:45
at a congressional hearing with Senator
00:32:47
John Kennedy because they believe they
00:32:50
have the capacity because over time all
00:32:53
these closing of different straits in
00:32:56
the Middle East will tax our navy. But
00:32:59
they claim they will claim they will
00:33:01
they will say something about that.
00:33:02
>> Okay.
00:33:03
>> Now
00:33:05
with or without
00:33:07
>> you can do with it.
00:33:10
Now
00:33:14
>> you can be there if you want.
00:33:15
>> Now Hans and Hans and Fron, you were
00:33:18
here with our committee. I get that
00:33:20
right? You have something to say.
00:33:21
>> Are those your real names?
00:33:23
>> Yeah, we're here to sell say something
00:33:26
to you. I think you're going to want to
00:33:29
hear it.
00:33:31
>> Well, I'm I'm all ears. Did I fall off a
00:33:34
tomato truck? But you claim
00:33:37
>> Yeah. You are claiming that you are
00:33:41
personally able
00:33:44
without any kind of ship or craft
00:33:48
to close up the straight of her moves.
00:33:52
Did I get that right? He doesn't have
00:33:55
glasses on.
00:33:56
>> Yeah, the glasses.
00:33:57
>> Yeah. Yeah. We could very easily close
00:34:00
the straight of hormones.
00:34:02
Just how in the Lord's name do you
00:34:06
propose
00:34:08
to close the straight of Hormuz?
00:34:11
>> Yeah. Listen to us. Hear us now and
00:34:13
listen to us later very carefully
00:34:16
carefully.
00:34:17
>> What we would do is this. This is our
00:34:19
process. First we're on land and we do
00:34:23
we do a thousand squats and the bcks get
00:34:28
so so pumped up. our bodics become huge
00:34:32
like giant fleshy boulders and then
00:34:39
Hans in France what we do he's France
00:34:43
said Hans what we do is with our giant
00:34:45
pumped up blood and gorge the size of
00:34:49
giant boulders we kind of like King
00:34:51
Neptune we sit down in the straight of H
00:34:55
moose and displace the water and no no
00:34:59
ships could get past us.
00:35:02
>> Oh my god, this is an outlandish plan.
00:35:04
>> Yeah. Uh, did I did someone draw stupid
00:35:07
on my forehead? You're proposing you
00:35:10
would do 10,000 squats,
00:35:12
>> muscularize
00:35:14
and weaponize your buttocks, sit down in
00:35:17
the ocean or the straight horses and
00:35:21
>> relieve the United States Navy the
00:35:23
burden of stopping that clogging up that
00:35:26
straight. Yeah, you're you're smarter
00:35:29
than you look.
00:35:32
>> Your buttocks is the size of Texas.
00:35:34
>> We already told Pierce Morgan he
00:35:36
believed us. So your claim is that you
00:35:40
you could make your buttock so large you
00:35:44
could block the straight muse. Did I get
00:35:46
that right? Yeah. Yes, Pierce Morgan.
00:35:50
Uh are you joking with me? You can't you
00:35:52
can't be serious that your buttocks
00:35:54
could grow to that size simply by doing
00:35:56
squats. You should try doing squats
00:35:59
yourself. The problem with you and
00:36:01
Senator John Kennedy is your buttocks
00:36:04
are shriveled and tiny.
00:36:06
>> Oh my god. Shots fired
00:36:09
>> and deflated and you can't process the
00:36:13
muscular.
00:36:16
They
00:36:16
>> can't they can't process thinking about
00:36:18
it.
00:36:22
Now, here we are. We don't believe a
00:36:25
word out of your mouth.
00:36:26
>> Oh, I I think it's patently absurd what
00:36:28
you're suggesting that your buttocks
00:36:30
could get pumped up. Perhaps they could
00:36:31
get as large as a a cantaloupe or
00:36:34
something like that. But it's it's it's
00:36:36
it is patently absurd, right, Pierce?
00:36:39
Yeah. I I think it's really offensive.
00:36:41
Your body could never get that large.
00:36:43
Wait a minute. Turn on the TV.
00:36:47
See, we're on TV now and the hormones
00:36:51
straight are crow.
00:36:52
>> Oh my god.
00:36:54
>> I
00:36:55
>> He showed them. They showed them.
00:36:58
>> I'm going to slowly go down cuz I don't
00:37:00
know how to stop this.
00:37:02
>> That's a good ending.
00:37:04
>> And
00:37:07
that was a solid buzzing around is
00:37:09
sponsored by Fiverr Energies. Tasty
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caffeine flavors as Dana rests his
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energy.com or Amazon today. Do I know
00:37:29
how to read? Could I
00:37:31
>> Jeez, I know this is the Yeah, I don't
00:37:33
know. Something happened. I think you're
00:37:34
>> I like that scenario. By the way,
00:37:36
>> you're recovering from the abstraction
00:37:39
that they could pump their butt up
00:37:41
buttocks up so large they could clog an
00:37:43
ocean straight.
00:37:45
>> I think it's because of the boosters.
00:37:49
>> Yeah, that's just with the butcks. What
00:37:51
if we get our calves popped up too?
00:37:54
>> Oh my god, that scenario was I like that
00:37:56
you came up with that seemingly
00:37:58
fictitious scenario.
00:38:00
>> Seemingly fictitious, you know. I did uh
00:38:04
>> re you know I mean don't be afraid to
00:38:07
buzz around
00:38:10
it's brought to you by whatever
00:38:13
>> let's go to
00:38:14
>> I'm recovering let's do some stories
00:38:16
here we are 38 minutes
00:38:17
>> story let's see if anything's worth
00:38:18
talking about
00:38:19
>> let's do it okay
00:38:22
>> okay oh this is you ever go skiing
00:38:26
>> not really but toboggony
00:38:27
>> this is this is how scary it is to ski
00:38:30
on a top of mountain every time this guy
00:38:32
goes one inch closer, I go never. Nope.
00:38:36
>> Nope.
00:38:36
>> Could not do it.
00:38:37
>> Not Not fun.
00:38:38
>> Let's see it.
00:38:39
>> Let's see. Check it out.
00:38:40
>> By the way, don't ever tell me to wait
00:38:41
for it on a video. I don't I'll decide
00:38:43
that part. So, right there, I'd be like,
00:38:46
"You can still get out."
00:38:47
>> Uh, no. Get out. Get out. Get out.
00:38:49
>> Nope. Nope. Bail.
00:38:51
>> Deciding which cliff
00:38:54
>> you're going to ski down cuz you're so
00:38:55
good.
00:38:56
>> Is it easy for them? I mean,
00:38:58
>> it's easy for these guys. No, I I got a
00:39:00
bad
00:39:01
>> You know the sound of the skis are slot.
00:39:02
Which way? Don't go left. That's harder.
00:39:04
>> Okay. Go where there's just snow and not
00:39:07
rocks. Maybe that's a hot take, but
00:39:09
>> Right.
00:39:11
Just go. Be very, very careful. Okay,
00:39:14
he's deciding.
00:39:15
>> Oh, he's just walking. Anyone could do
00:39:17
this.
00:39:18
>> Now he's going to give. Okay, now here
00:39:19
we go. Whoops. He caught a [ __ ] rock.
00:39:23
Oh boy.
00:39:25
>> Okay,
00:39:25
>> you are not falling.
00:39:28
You are not falling in the snow this
00:39:30
whole
00:39:31
>> Wow. I
00:39:33
>> straight down. That's like a like a
00:39:36
slide.
00:39:37
>> Uh that's that's that's pretty uh that's
00:39:39
an awesome video. I assume he's okay. So
00:39:42
I can
00:39:42
>> fine. Yeah man.
00:39:43
>> I I just can't believe that you got this
00:39:47
footage of yourself.
00:39:49
>> That's me screaming. I looped in.
00:39:51
>> Well, isn't that No, I thought it was
00:39:53
Joe. Isn't that you? Didn't you say you
00:39:54
were going to Tahoe?
00:39:57
That's me approaching the bunny hill.
00:40:01
>> Yeah, that's it.
00:40:02
>> Wow. Uh, that was a that was a very
00:40:05
interesting video. I I don't think I
00:40:08
would personally have screamed. I would
00:40:10
have been saying come on. Yeah, more.
00:40:11
Let's do this.
00:40:12
>> Come on.
00:40:13
>> I would have been going we because it's
00:40:15
basically a slide at that point. He's
00:40:17
just going
00:40:18
>> Yeah. is if you have any chance of
00:40:21
catching a rock like that on your ski if
00:40:23
you're not perfectly unbelievably good.
00:40:27
I always see the guy you never see them
00:40:28
fall. It's always like dishes dish dish
00:40:32
and the guy's like like immediately
00:40:34
falls.
00:40:36
>> I know. I guess I mean I don't know if I
00:40:38
read this properly but his nickname was
00:40:40
catch. His friends called him catch
00:40:43
because he always
00:40:44
>> can he catch rock.
00:40:46
>> Yeah. Yeah, he's always you always would
00:40:48
catch a rock and um you know, you got to
00:40:51
stay
00:40:52
>> on the snow
00:40:54
>> and not have the ski go toward a rock
00:40:58
jutting.
00:40:58
>> You know what happens? If you go like
00:41:00
this and you catch one little thing and
00:41:01
it pulls it that way and then your
00:41:03
weight goes over here and then you're
00:41:05
like guten knocked
00:41:08
>> German
00:41:09
>> and then good gad
00:41:12
skis fly yard sale.
00:41:16
>> Get a tobogen. Obviously that's not that
00:41:18
guy's sport. Get a tobogan
00:41:20
carry up at his house
00:41:22
>> the bunny hill and then get in the tobog
00:41:25
and go woo and have a party. That's
00:41:27
That's not
00:41:29
>> Okay, next one. We all learned We all
00:41:31
learned a valuable lesson. Yes.
00:41:33
>> Did we
00:41:34
>> Did we He did
00:41:37
>> Okay, this is
00:41:39
>> a robot.
00:41:40
>> Let's see what it is. Yeah, maybe robot.
00:41:42
>> This would scare me, I think.
00:41:44
>> [ __ ]
00:41:47
>> Oh, that's
00:41:49
>> Is that a girl or robot?
00:41:52
I bet a girl could do that.
00:41:56
terrifying.
00:41:57
>> It's a robot.
00:41:58
>> So, it is a robot.
00:42:01
>> My brother Brian would do that. He would
00:42:03
love this.
00:42:04
>> It does look kind of real. What if that
00:42:06
was like trick-or- treat and then they
00:42:07
did that?
00:42:09
>> Well, that's why, you know, you just
00:42:10
want to make a horror film with an
00:42:12
iPhone and you have that toy. That would
00:42:15
>> and you just put sound underneath it. It
00:42:17
was fantastic. I also like the laugh of
00:42:20
the guy. How much JOY HE GOT.
00:42:22
>> YEAH.
00:42:24
BOUGHT IT ON Amazon and pressed play
00:42:26
>> and it worked. And you know what? You're
00:42:28
right. You could make you could sell a
00:42:30
movie from a trailer if you just do that
00:42:33
scary. Put some noise behind it, some
00:42:35
eerie music, and then she drops down.
00:42:37
>> Yeah. And and just go, uh,
00:42:39
>> it could be the next Megan movie.
00:42:41
>> Witchcraft. Let me ask you a question.
00:42:44
So that figure is there. You're at your
00:42:46
house at night. You see it in in the
00:42:48
doorway. Mhm.
00:42:49
>> What is the scariest way it could walk
00:42:51
to you if it wasn't that? Cuz that's
00:42:53
right up there is the scariest. What
00:42:55
else? It's in the doorway.
00:42:57
>> Bending over backwards
00:43:00
>> and walking
00:43:00
>> with a
00:43:03
like broken bones. They go backwards
00:43:05
hair and face
00:43:07
>> oily hair. It's never It's never like in
00:43:09
barretes or anything. It's just
00:43:11
>> hanging.
00:43:11
>> I don't know why it really scared me if
00:43:13
it was at night and it just crossed over
00:43:16
its feet and just went like that. Yeah.
00:43:19
Coming right at you. That would terrify
00:43:22
me.
00:43:22
>> Well, if they're snapping, I wouldn't
00:43:24
I'd like it.
00:43:27
>> Well, one foot goes over the other.
00:43:29
>> Um maybe if they turned their skin
00:43:32
inside out, I wouldn't like it.
00:43:35
>> Yeah. Or if they went like this and
00:43:37
went,
00:43:39
>> "Oh, yuck." Yeah.
00:43:40
>> And it was you.
00:43:42
>> And it was
00:43:43
>> It was you.
00:43:44
>> I would be so scared.
00:43:45
>> Hey, buddy. That's That's like the third
00:43:48
Mission Impossible. They do that.
00:43:51
>> Uh, hey buddy. That's what the scary guy
00:43:53
says.
00:43:54
>> That's you as the scary guy.
00:43:56
>> Uh, okay. Next one.
00:43:59
>> We can always do another buzz in your
00:44:00
room.
00:44:01
>> No, no, no. I have no idea what does
00:44:03
that say. Can you read it? If
00:44:08
>> if
00:44:09
>> is it
00:44:10
>> warm enough for scorpion season in
00:44:12
Arizona yet? I'm from Arizona and I've
00:44:16
seen so many scorpions.
00:44:17
>> Mhm.
00:44:20
>> Oh.
00:44:21
>> Oh, Tiny Tim.
00:44:23
>> Are those all scorpions?
00:44:25
>> Yes.
00:44:25
>> Sickening. Heather, will you crawl in
00:44:27
there for $100?
00:44:28
>> Whoa. Cancel my trip to Arizona.
00:44:31
>> That's the guy flying out.
00:44:34
I didn't even get that.
00:44:36
>> By the way, uh this is just a story
00:44:38
without a picture, but um the reboot of
00:44:41
Malcolm in the Middle, they're having a
00:44:44
non-binary character.
00:44:46
>> Oh, in the new one with the we
00:44:48
interviewed Brian Cranston.
00:44:50
>> Yeah. Did you talk about that?
00:44:52
>> No, but I know that one kid that played
00:44:56
Little Joe Dirt in the movie is not
00:44:59
doing it. He I think he's going to
00:45:01
Harvard now. They said Brian told us
00:45:02
this that uh he's not going to do the
00:45:04
reboot. He's the only one. So maybe they
00:45:06
were replacing that character with a new
00:45:08
character.
00:45:09
>> But they're doing certain things on um
00:45:12
Apocalypse Now if you order it online
00:45:14
and stuff that Brando's character is not
00:45:17
Colonel Curts. It's now they them.
00:45:20
>> Is that they they updated it?
00:45:23
>> Yeah.
00:45:24
>> Okay. Well, that's that's a big tweak,
00:45:26
but
00:45:26
>> my name is they them. I know. I was
00:45:28
shocked they would do that for they
00:45:30
them. Yeah, Colonel.
00:45:33
My name is
00:45:34
>> They redubbed it, too.
00:45:35
>> My name is Yeah, they just dubbed it and
00:45:38
it's just I guess it's blowing up.
00:45:40
>> Do you remember when he drops the orange
00:45:42
in the Godfather
00:45:45
>> at the end?
00:45:46
>> Oh, at the end. Yeah.
00:45:47
>> He's like in the
00:45:49
and the kids playing with him. Oh, he's
00:45:51
got the funny teeth in and the kid
00:45:54
starts crying and then he he does this
00:45:57
sort of ballet fall with the off the
00:46:00
>> cop had no idea what he was going to do.
00:46:02
He's like just just somehow croak and
00:46:05
he's like I got some ideas.
00:46:08
>> Uh I'd say at least twice a year my wife
00:46:10
and I watch Godfather one and two.
00:46:14
>> Those are pretty good.
00:46:16
>> They're they're pretty pretty good.
00:46:20
Remember when I sent you that video,
00:46:22
which is kind of cool. I see them now
00:46:23
all the time now. They pop up. It just
00:46:26
starts right at the Academy Awards,
00:46:29
random year.
00:46:30
>> Yeah.
00:46:31
>> Someone like Terry Gar and Jean Hackman
00:46:33
going and now best supporting actress
00:46:36
and they read them all
00:46:37
>> and they're all unbelievable movies with
00:46:40
great performances. I'm like, "Wow,
00:46:42
wow." And then the next year, the next
00:46:44
one clicked down. And it was like best
00:46:46
actor two years later and Donald
00:46:49
Sutherland is it's so cool to see what
00:46:51
they look like
00:46:52
>> the movies they were in how great how
00:46:55
much I was in the movies then like all
00:46:57
the president's men was in there
00:46:59
>> Godfather all these cool movies not
00:47:02
Cibble but uh
00:47:03
>> Alien was in there I mean just yeah
00:47:06
there's a lot of
00:47:06
>> like I think I Jessica Lang and Tootsie
00:47:09
>> was I I was watching going who's going
00:47:11
to win supporting
00:47:14
and it was terri Terry Gar and Tootsie
00:47:16
was one of them. I go, "It's got to be
00:47:17
Terry Gar. She was so tragic." And then
00:47:19
Jessica Lang was supporting. She was
00:47:22
like the star
00:47:24
>> and she won. She was so unreal and so
00:47:26
hot.
00:47:27
>> Um,
00:47:28
>> that is a great what they call a screw
00:47:30
ball comedy to pull that off.
00:47:32
>> Was one of the best.
00:47:33
>> The way they did was amazing.
00:47:35
>> Um, anyway,
00:47:37
>> Dustin Hoffman on.
00:47:38
>> Not at all. Jaws. I like all these. I,
00:47:41
you know, I like I love movies. I'm
00:47:42
always looking for a great movie. I'm
00:47:44
looking for another master and
00:47:45
commander. I'm looking for another out
00:47:47
of Africa
00:47:48
>> in the skies.
00:47:49
>> Uh just these big cool historical epics
00:47:53
or looking for another Butch cast.
00:47:55
>> Are you looking forward to
00:47:58
>> Nolan's movie? What's it called?
00:48:00
>> Christopher Nolan.
00:48:02
>> I'm always going to see a movie of his.
00:48:05
What's unique about him is Tarantino's
00:48:07
brilliant, but he does stay in a certain
00:48:10
lane that he's great. Nolan does
00:48:12
Spaceship. Now he's doing Ulyses. I
00:48:15
guess it's what it is. I think Matt
00:48:17
Damon's gonna have sandals and a beard
00:48:19
and
00:48:20
>> But it's Christopher Nolan. So you have
00:48:21
to go see it. He's He's right up there.
00:48:24
>> I agree. Okay, next.
00:48:26
>> Odyssey. What did I say, Greg?
00:48:29
>> You said Ulisses.
00:48:30
>> Oh, Ulisses. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. My my
00:48:35
Go ahead. Here we go.
00:48:36
>> Bro, builds
00:48:38
and tests a homemade laser. My camera is
00:48:41
only weakly sensitive to this laser's
00:48:43
wavelength. Yet, it still managed to
00:48:45
unveil the actual beast at hand.
00:48:47
>> Unveal.
00:48:48
>> Even without careful focusing, the laser
00:48:50
can easily set fire to my fence about 70
00:48:53
m in the distance.
00:48:54
>> Really?
00:48:54
>> After the fog lifted, I switched back to
00:48:57
filming invisible light camera, which
00:48:59
means the laser is back to being
00:49:01
invisible the way it is in real life.
00:49:03
>> Look at that. How easy.
00:49:05
>> I'm not going to lie. This feels like
00:49:06
the kind of thing that they make new
00:49:07
laws about. That's funny.
00:49:10
>> I'm so glad he's not lying. He's not a
00:49:12
liar.
00:49:12
>> Believe me, every day the urge is there
00:49:14
to light that thing on fire. However, it
00:49:17
wouldn't exactly be very responsible of
00:49:18
me. So, I'm going to light this thing on
00:49:20
fire instead.
00:49:23
>> Look at that.
00:49:26
>> Because honestly,
00:49:28
>> no way. When you look at Maui and these
00:49:30
>> laser punched through the steel wall
00:49:31
super quickly
00:49:35
needed to actually ignite the gas.
00:49:37
>> I decided to give it another try was
00:49:40
able to
00:49:40
>> Do we have invisible lasers firing at
00:49:42
the leaking?
00:49:45
>> Stop. He's having too much fun. Does the
00:49:47
United States military have invisible
00:49:49
lasers from
00:49:51
what I'm saying is like
00:49:53
>> Yeah.
00:49:53
>> If there's these fires that start and
00:49:55
you go I don't know how. I don't know
00:49:56
how it started. Is there a
00:49:58
>> arson? It's like you could [ __ ] pop
00:50:00
that from a mile away miles away
00:50:03
>> and be like, "No,
00:50:04
>> I think we need more uh perimeter
00:50:08
security." Where we are.
00:50:11
>> People are building bunkers more.
00:50:13
They're not building little Wonderbread
00:50:15
houses or little cabin houses. They're
00:50:17
building concrete bunkers in LA
00:50:21
>> to keep
00:50:22
>> I'm going to laser proof my trees and my
00:50:23
houses. I will laser proof your head in
00:50:26
in a minute.
00:50:29
>> That's what a bully says.
00:50:30
>> That's something my dad would say to
00:50:32
you. Oh yeah.
00:50:33
>> I laser proof your head in in a minute.
00:50:35
>> No. He'd say, "You better fist proof
00:50:37
your face." And you're like, "Oh, we
00:50:39
sort of switched it all around."
00:50:40
>> Or he'd say, "Not shaving for a week.
00:50:42
Time for the whiskers.
00:50:45
Isn't it fun?"
00:50:47
>> Oh. And he'd grind them on you or
00:50:48
something.
00:50:48
>> Yeah. He get on top.
00:50:52
But enough about the fun times.
00:50:54
>> Yeah. All right. One more. I got
00:50:56
>> one more. I got it. We got a
00:50:58
>> million things going.
00:50:59
>> Yes, you do. No, I don't.
00:51:01
>> Yes, you do.
00:51:02
>> Okay. Good spin on the hammer. I'll give
00:51:04
him that.
00:51:05
>> Okay.
00:51:08
Fascinating.
00:51:09
>> Two. You can do this on your farm, man.
00:51:11
>> Oh, yeah. I did it this morning.
00:51:14
>> Okay. Three nails in a row. Then he's
00:51:17
going to
00:51:20
>> Whoa.
00:51:23
Okay. No wonder you had a weird haircut.
00:51:26
>> Yeah. I don't love it.
00:51:27
>> Yeah. Look,
00:51:28
>> that's hard to do with a hammer.
00:51:31
>> Yeah. He's going to slam them all down.
00:51:34
>> I mean, he better
00:51:36
>> or pull them out.
00:51:38
>> Oh,
00:51:43
is that it? Oh, he's he he got the
00:51:45
middle one. I guess that is really hard.
00:51:47
>> That guy should be in a kung fu movie.
00:51:49
Okay, let's just throw commercial cuz
00:51:51
he's doing the jacket and all the sound
00:51:53
and the stuff, you know,
00:51:54
>> his goofy hair.
00:51:55
>> I can do kind of the same with my
00:51:57
puppets.
00:51:59
>> Don't
00:52:04
Why you doing me like that?
00:52:06
>> I like that. All right. You know, by the
00:52:08
way, that was actually a funny thing to
00:52:10
say. I'm going back down to the pile of
00:52:12
cardboard people.
00:52:13
>> Oh, let them go down easily. Gently.
00:52:16
>> Gently.
00:52:17
>> All right. Well, I'm going to I'm going
00:52:19
to let you go, Danny. You got your hair.
00:52:20
You better go show it around town.
00:52:22
>> Well, I'm going to puff it up a little
00:52:23
more. I got a little thing in the back.
00:52:24
Comes around.
00:52:28
>> That's a good puff noise.
00:52:34
>> Um, you were amazing today.
00:52:36
>> You were amazing, Dana.
00:52:38
>> You were just
00:52:39
>> You got through my R-rated stories.
00:52:42
Oh, boy.
00:52:43
>> Don't put them right on the mic. People
00:52:45
get mad.
00:52:45
>> Oh, really?
00:52:46
>> I went through the comments. People
00:52:49
tell me spade enough of your jokes that
00:52:51
are too loud.
00:52:53
>> I like it. People laugh today. They were
00:52:56
a lot of laughs.
00:52:57
>> There's a lot of laughs. You know, I
00:52:59
think Hans and Fron's doing a 10,000
00:53:01
squats and enlarging their buttocks was
00:53:03
I enjoyed that.
00:53:05
>> God, we gave them a full show. 55
00:53:06
minutes. Too much. Too much of a good
00:53:08
thing.
00:53:08
>> I know this. They won't even They'll
00:53:10
just watch the clips. They won't even
00:53:12
click on. But please click on smash that
00:53:15
subscriber. Smash the [ __ ] out of that
00:53:17
subscribe, like, comment, share,
00:53:20
>> take pictures of it, whatever you got to
00:53:22
do.
00:53:22
>> All right,
00:53:23
>> bye.
00:53:28
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00:53:30
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00:53:35
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00:53:41
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00:53:46
presented by Odyssey, an executive
00:53:47
produced by Danny Carvey and David
00:53:49
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00:53:51
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00:53:54
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00:53:56
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00:53:58
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00:54:01
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00:54:05
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00:54:10
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00:54:19
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00:54:21
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