00:00:00
[Music]
00:00:27
Janet Redmond welcome to my podcast
00:00:29
thank you Dom do you like Dom or Dominic
00:00:32
Dom's good Dom Dom's good
00:00:35
um
00:00:37
yeah that's it's funny you're the first
00:00:39
person that's asked that oh I sort of
00:00:41
respond to both but um I I like them
00:00:43
both I'm okay with both well it interest
00:00:45
me why some people shorten the name they
00:00:47
were given so that's why I ask that but
00:00:50
that might take us down a totally
00:00:52
different path well was when I was
00:00:55
growing up it was a it was a very rare
00:00:56
name I think it is still quite rare but
00:00:58
not not as rare is what it was and um I
00:01:02
was very self-conscious like growing up
00:01:03
um oh it's like we're getting into a
00:01:05
therapy session already um like School
00:01:07
teachers at the start of the year or
00:01:09
when you're waiting in a doctor's clinic
00:01:11
or whatever they'd come out and they'd
00:01:13
call Dominique which is the girls
00:01:14
version of the name yeah and for some
00:01:16
reason that um yeah really made me feel
00:01:18
uncomfortable when I was a little I bet
00:01:20
well it's a subtle difference Dominic
00:01:22
Dominique yeah well Dominic's wasn't my
00:01:24
name anyway um I want to just one jump
00:01:27
in there I'm allergic to the word
00:01:28
therapist I used to be a therapist
00:01:32
psychotherapist registered and the
00:01:34
reason I stepped away from that probably
00:01:36
will come out okay in this conversation
00:01:39
I call myself a possibility manager now
00:01:42
yeah and that was the first thing I was
00:01:43
going to ask you what does that mean so
00:01:44
a possibility manager for me is about
00:01:48
supporting people to change the way they
00:01:50
think so to change their thought we
00:01:53
because if we don't change the thought
00:01:55
way we can't change the context of what
00:01:58
it is we want that's different
00:02:00
and so possibility management is quite a
00:02:04
huge
00:02:05
worldwide uh what do I call it culture
00:02:08
Now with an amazing guy I met in San
00:02:12
Francisco 2007 Clinton Kahan yeah and
00:02:15
you're you're very qualified like you've
00:02:17
been um you're a trained primary school
00:02:19
teacher uh you're a trained
00:02:21
psychotherapist uh you've done a lot of
00:02:23
um specialist work with trauma yes um
00:02:26
and this is you now possibility manager
00:02:28
traveling traveling around the country
00:02:30
and in a camper van you call your flying
00:02:32
Walker flying Walker or feelings Walker
00:02:35
it's the place people can come and look
00:02:38
at why they stopped feeling and feel
00:02:41
because for me feelings have a huge
00:02:44
information and energy that can be used
00:02:47
for either reinforcing old traumas or
00:02:51
for creating the kind of communication
00:02:54
and world I want to live in and that's
00:02:56
what motivates me to do to hold spaces
00:02:59
that I hold yeah now now now you are
00:03:02
here today or um you came on my radar
00:03:04
because um just last weekend on neon
00:03:08
which is a streaming platform I watched
00:03:10
um style Bender uh the Israel Adisa
00:03:12
documentary which was um released in
00:03:14
late 2023 and it's just available now on
00:03:17
the neon streaming platform and my god
00:03:21
um you well it's Israel's movie um but
00:03:25
you stole the show for me uh as did his
00:03:28
um coach Eugene but style Bend of the
00:03:31
documentary it starts with you this
00:03:32
beautiful shot of your flying Walker up
00:03:36
on a Hillside and then it goes inside
00:03:39
and then you you feature throughout the
00:03:41
documentary um having um uh well not
00:03:44
therapy sessions I was going to call it
00:03:45
therapy what do you call it well field
00:03:48
to heel space field to heel yeah and
00:03:52
um this um movie for me was an
00:03:55
unexpected surprise I'd say it's one of
00:03:56
the best sports documentaries I've ever
00:03:58
seen I was Sur surprisingly emotional
00:04:00
and it cried several times as in tears
00:04:04
uh streaming down my my cheeks crying at
00:04:06
which point
00:04:09
St I mean one that Springs to mind is
00:04:11
and I wanted to get into this later and
00:04:13
what you were doing um one where you you
00:04:15
you're doing a therapy session with
00:04:17
Israel and he's being held down by three
00:04:19
guys trying to get some trauma out of
00:04:21
his gut and then he's just um like in a
00:04:24
in a ball of Tears on the ground and it
00:04:27
was um I don't know it was just a it was
00:04:29
a hard
00:04:31
watch yeah it that's called a rage hold
00:04:34
so it's the way of being able to express
00:04:36
old emotions in a really Safe Way when
00:04:40
I'd been to Izzy's place before he had a
00:04:43
we did a group with about seven of his
00:04:46
mates and the first time he did the rage
00:04:50
hold I had had to sit on one of the four
00:04:52
guys who were holding him down there was
00:04:54
so much old energy in there so yeah he's
00:04:57
quite strong very strong
00:05:00
yeah so um how how did this come about
00:05:03
how did you end how did you like a a
00:05:05
pensioner yeah a woman not retired I had
00:05:09
my 65th birthday uh January and I'm not
00:05:13
retiring I'm reiring so yes love that
00:05:16
I'm reiring as as the woman I am now how
00:05:20
did I get involved with it yeah how did
00:05:21
how did a you know 65y old woman from
00:05:23
mka end up as the unlikely star of the
00:05:25
Israel Adisa story I ask myself the same
00:05:28
question Dom
00:05:30
cuz really you pick the most unlikely
00:05:32
person on the planet for that role and
00:05:35
it's like pick me not into sports how it
00:05:39
came about was
00:05:40
Zoe MOS yeah Zoe McIntosh the director
00:05:44
the director came to one of my trainings
00:05:46
I had a 3-day training filter Hill
00:05:48
training at the retreat center Shada
00:05:51
Retreat Center in
00:05:53
tuo and she came and she knew I was
00:05:56
working with Izzy and she said what you
00:05:59
doing do is Magic and it needs to be
00:06:02
documented so she asked if I'd bring the
00:06:04
two together cuz she knew I'll keep the
00:06:07
names Anonymous she knew Izzy's partner
00:06:10
at the time and that's how it all came
00:06:13
together and she said to me it might be
00:06:16
worth you interviewing her she said to
00:06:18
me but for my involvement she'd have
00:06:21
pulled out because it was a bog standard
00:06:24
boring run linear Sportsman
00:06:28
documentary and she said once she had
00:06:31
that creative impulse to include me and
00:06:35
the sessions we did she was totally ref
00:06:37
fired up to to keep going and do the
00:06:40
beautiful job she's done and were you
00:06:43
were you um on board from the beginning
00:06:45
or were you reluctant to take part I
00:06:47
mean um like like um sessions like this
00:06:50
are very very um private and personal um
00:06:54
and you they're not often shared I
00:06:55
suppose that's more to do with the
00:06:56
client than the the counselor but how
00:06:59
did you feel about that I was well with
00:07:01
clear contrac him that Israel's okay
00:07:04
yeah I was totally on board cuz look at
00:07:06
the many millions of people especially
00:07:09
young men that he can reach given his
00:07:13
his street
00:07:14
credibility yeah yeah it's so so
00:07:17
powerful so what about that first that
00:07:19
first meeting or that first interaction
00:07:20
because you had no idea who he was right
00:07:23
no I just told you out there no so his I
00:07:28
his girlfriend at the time reached out
00:07:30
to me and they asked I was seing her
00:07:33
first and saw them both together it was
00:07:36
lockdown so it was all on Zoom what was
00:07:39
it like a c's therapy thing or something
00:07:41
well I like to call it cuz my the
00:07:43
trainings I offer is called building
00:07:45
communication Bridges inside and out so
00:07:48
between different parts of ourselves and
00:07:50
together so as mediator or coach would
00:07:53
be other words people use for me and
00:07:57
yeah was helping them see where they
00:07:59
were creating drama together and offered
00:08:02
them tools other tools other than
00:08:05
creating drama and then so when you
00:08:08
start working with Israel Adisa
00:08:10
oneon-one
00:08:12
um how does that happen with the first
00:08:14
session like like where do you where do
00:08:16
you
00:08:17
begin you know what I mean I I I had my
00:08:20
um I saw a therapist for the first time
00:08:22
in my life maybe um 20 I think it was
00:08:25
just pre- lockdown sort of 2020 and it
00:08:27
was one of the best things I've ever
00:08:28
done but I put off got the first 45
00:08:31
years or whatever of my life cuz I
00:08:33
thought I'm going to sit down and I'm
00:08:34
not going to know where to
00:08:36
start oh that was isn't is he easy to
00:08:39
talk to uh he opened up
00:08:43
pretty very openly but some other people
00:08:46
who much more quieter in their
00:08:49
personality I start where they are I
00:08:52
think that is one of my skills being
00:08:54
able to meet people where they're at
00:08:56
with no judgment and ask them why why
00:09:00
why are they reaching out to someone
00:09:02
like
00:09:03
me and then we start there and and how
00:09:06
how long was it before before he broke
00:09:08
down and
00:09:09
cried was that the first session or does
00:09:12
that take a while are you sort of
00:09:13
chipping away for a
00:09:18
bit H I don't
00:09:20
know and be because that's not the part
00:09:24
I have a yes to to reveal I'd rather I
00:09:28
want to focus on the parts in the movie
00:09:31
which he is okay about people knowing
00:09:33
about so okay yeah Fe enough um yeah
00:09:36
yeah cool that's a good answer I really
00:09:38
respect that so how many and was was the
00:09:41
sessions that you did mainly for the
00:09:43
movie or is is there a lot of stuff that
00:09:45
you did that's that's not filmed and
00:09:48
will never be seen do you know what I
00:09:49
mean yeah there
00:09:51
is uh some sessions not too
00:09:54
many um definitely some sessions that
00:09:57
aren't seen m and if I was the director
00:10:00
of the movie I would have put other
00:10:02
things in as well really yeah one of the
00:10:05
one of my team who's one of the um what
00:10:09
do I call them space holder trainees for
00:10:12
the trainings I offer Brier she wants to
00:10:14
get all the documentary stuff that
00:10:16
wasn't screened
00:10:18
from uh what's the company called fluro
00:10:21
black MH and used that to make another
00:10:25
documentary yeah and how did how did you
00:10:27
feel personally um you're you're holding
00:10:31
these um sessions which you do uh and
00:10:33
have done for many years but doing it
00:10:35
with camera Crews there and people
00:10:36
holding microphones
00:10:38
and totally a bit like this here now
00:10:41
totally my tensions with
00:10:44
you phraser said at the end that I
00:10:47
should be an actor and I did this
00:10:49
frowned thought be an actor why would I
00:10:52
need to be an act and this is the real
00:10:54
thing yeah so no it didn't affect me at
00:10:57
all I mean this my campers on small and
00:11:00
there's a huge big camera over there but
00:11:02
totally it was I think you can see that
00:11:05
in the movie my focus his presence was
00:11:08
totally with him yeah and so so you have
00:11:10
a few sessions and then um are you are
00:11:13
you still in contact now or is it sort
00:11:14
of like um I invited him to my 65th
00:11:17
birthday but he's not in the country but
00:11:18
in terms of sessions no not at the
00:11:21
moment yeah what is he sort of is he
00:11:23
sort of fixed now or he just he no
00:11:26
longer no there no is he anyone ever
00:11:28
fixed or is that you know you have eight
00:11:30
sessions or six sessions and then well I
00:11:32
tell you what if get into a primary
00:11:34
relationship and test it that's what I
00:11:36
say test the work because although I was
00:11:40
seen as a trauma specialist I changed
00:11:43
the word to uncles it's an acronym
00:11:46
unprocessed neglected key life
00:11:49
events and so I say we have uncles that
00:11:53
need processing cuz what was unprocessed
00:11:56
needs
00:11:57
processing and what was neglected needs
00:11:59
our attention those key life
00:12:02
events that are really clearly in the in
00:12:05
sty Bender movie that totally defined
00:12:08
who he
00:12:10
was yeah the some of these things you're
00:12:12
talking about is um moving to New
00:12:14
Zealand um um like just severe bullying
00:12:18
at school including being like held over
00:12:19
a urinal um and just awful awful racism
00:12:24
um awful racism which almost it's kind
00:12:27
of similar to the Mike Tyson story in a
00:12:29
way Mike Tyson um used to um he was a
00:12:31
very introverted kid and he used to like
00:12:33
raise and race pigeons and there was a
00:12:35
bully that um that grabbed his P pigeon
00:12:38
off him one day and like ripped the head
00:12:39
off and Mike decided he needed to defend
00:12:41
himself after that so he got into boxing
00:12:43
so it feels like a similar sort of very
00:12:45
similar isn't it yeah yeah and that's
00:12:47
why at the end of the movie we're out at
00:12:49
car
00:12:50
KY just past pea and I had to go that's
00:12:54
one thing I would keep putting in the
00:12:56
movie I had to go three or four
00:12:58
different ways
00:12:59
of saying how can you fight differently
00:13:03
without pummeling and really hurting
00:13:05
someone else cuz now he does his chip
00:13:07
off his shoulder was healed I would I
00:13:10
would make that
00:13:12
declaration and he said well it would
00:13:14
just be like
00:13:15
spiring and there's not much fun in that
00:13:18
well there's not much money in it either
00:13:20
probably yeah I I suppose yeah I don't
00:13:24
know I've never done any fighting in my
00:13:26
life and I know very little about it but
00:13:27
I suppose for someone like Israel the
00:13:29
the fear would be um you know you you
00:13:32
smooth away his edges and then he just
00:13:34
doesn't have that killer instinct
00:13:35
anymore do you know what I mean well
00:13:37
he's too gentle to to exactly I said
00:13:39
this to him Dom I said inform consent
00:13:42
here if you heal all this you might not
00:13:45
be able to fight you may not be a Savage
00:13:47
anymore yeah
00:13:50
hopefully and he has so many other
00:13:53
skills his creativity his anime stuff so
00:13:57
no I really put that on the table to say
00:14:00
if you heal
00:14:01
this you may not be able to keep doing
00:14:04
what you're doing yeah well I'm
00:14:06
personally like a big a big fan of the
00:14:08
whole um israela package you know the
00:14:10
fighting thing I I don't know too much
00:14:12
about it um but I I enjoy watching him
00:14:14
but mainly I enjoy the the postmatch
00:14:16
speeches um how uh gracious and humble
00:14:20
he's been in defeat how arrogant and
00:14:23
cocky he is when he wins um how defiant
00:14:26
he is uh yeah just like his mannerisms
00:14:30
everything about him the whole package
00:14:31
I'm just a massive fan and uh and to
00:14:34
actually to to see this documentary I
00:14:35
think that's the thing that sort of sort
00:14:37
of upset me because you just don't
00:14:38
realize what someone's going through you
00:14:40
know from an outside perspective all you
00:14:41
see is this um this swaggy swaggy dude
00:14:45
driving around on a McLaren
00:14:49
yeah that's right I think we've all got
00:14:51
really good survival mechanisms that can
00:14:54
totally mask what's happening on the
00:14:57
inside and I like I said to you before I
00:15:01
was totally surprised I would recommend
00:15:03
the movie because of my I just don't
00:15:06
like all that fighting but it wasn't it
00:15:09
was a human that is most vulnerable most
00:15:13
arrogant like you said most cockhead
00:15:16
most kind so that's why I love it we've
00:15:19
all got our shadow side we've all got
00:15:21
our Shin inside and that's why I
00:15:25
recommended people to go and see the
00:15:27
movie I I love that have you how has
00:15:29
your life changed since the documentary
00:15:31
came out has it changed at all not much
00:15:33
no my my trainings are full so I come up
00:15:36
to Oakland every few months and hold
00:15:39
these building communication Bridges
00:15:41
inside and out trainings field to heel
00:15:44
spaces and in Nelson so a little but not
00:15:47
much but different sort of um clientele
00:15:50
or new customers like you seen many many
00:15:52
young men or a few for sure but that's
00:15:56
what I was doing
00:15:57
anyway all right hey let's talk about
00:16:00
you for a second then so you're a
00:16:01
possibility manager what is it that
00:16:02
makes you so
00:16:05
good well years of first of all
00:16:08
following my mentor which was Dr Richard
00:16:10
kin teaching me how to make
00:16:14
contact with people and being able to
00:16:16
meet them exactly where they're
00:16:18
at I have a s sound theoretical base
00:16:22
which is my road maps for holding
00:16:26
spaces usually people when they're ready
00:16:29
or willing to get into their feelings
00:16:31
and I know I can hold space for 100%
00:16:34
anger 100% sadness 100% fear 100% joy
00:16:39
and that's the four feelings I use
00:16:41
anything else for me is a mixed emotion
00:16:44
and then that's what creates depression
00:16:47
and other obsessive compulsive disorders
00:16:50
and things so having a s theoretical
00:16:53
base plus however many years and Decades
00:16:57
of experience m and my passion for
00:17:00
people to live their potential
00:17:03
Dom yeah and I can feel my own sadness a
00:17:06
bit when I think about the last funeral
00:17:08
I took cuz I'm also a
00:17:10
celebrant my friend's my son's young
00:17:13
friend and Jamie's uh friend Tim died
00:17:19
killed himself at 16 oh so heaps I've
00:17:22
got an article on my website about this
00:17:25
these p young men especially not only
00:17:29
man being the canary in the coal mine
00:17:31
that something in the way we're living
00:17:33
isn't working and so I wrote a little
00:17:36
artical about
00:17:39
that yeah what do you think that is for
00:17:41
some young men do you think it's um just
00:17:42
too hard to articulate what you're
00:17:44
feeling or communicate it so so I'm
00:17:46
going to be radical I think school lets
00:17:48
us down lets them all down they don't
00:17:50
come out with any emotional fluency so
00:17:54
their first heartbreak is devastating
00:17:57
for them they don't know know that
00:17:59
sadness is okay especially men I watch
00:18:03
My Three
00:18:04
Sons you know toughen up cover their
00:18:07
sadness with anger especially going out
00:18:09
when they went out in the world at home
00:18:12
they'd feel their sadness a bit more so
00:18:14
I think it's that I don't think we have
00:18:16
initiation processes that prepare young
00:18:21
people for what's needed in terms of
00:18:24
increasing their level of responsibility
00:18:26
in the world we keep them as
00:18:29
teenagers not inviting them to clean up
00:18:32
the messes they're
00:18:34
making yeah so so what about you so
00:18:37
you're born in the UK born in Burnley in
00:18:39
Lancashire yeah how did you end up in NZ
00:18:42
14 mom and dad brought us here so 50 odd
00:18:45
years ago I've been
00:18:47
here and that was a big step because my
00:18:51
dad's the only child and I left my
00:18:54
Grandma and Granddad
00:18:56
there and they were really close to me
00:18:58
they eventually came out to New Zealand
00:19:00
in 82 to live 76 to visit 82 to live wow
00:19:06
so I was really glad about that and why
00:19:09
did you select this line of
00:19:11
work I reckon I was born with it I learn
00:19:15
to sus out a room who's feeling what do
00:19:19
I go close to them do I stay away so
00:19:22
it's I think it's part of my destiny
00:19:26
yeah you you do have like a really um I
00:19:29
don't know like warm and inviting
00:19:31
presence where you do feel really
00:19:33
immediately comfortable around you like
00:19:34
you when you walked in before my partner
00:19:36
was here and Jackson the cameraman and
00:19:39
even my dog gravitated towards you like
00:19:41
you just have this um I don't know and I
00:19:44
I yeah I don't know if you if if I mean
00:19:46
I've only met you today so I don't know
00:19:47
if it's always been like that or if it's
00:19:49
just like a almost a grandmotherly sort
00:19:51
of vibe that you have no I come from Lan
00:19:54
all of us can talk to anybody my German
00:19:57
friend did a little little bit of a
00:19:59
audio podcast saying how do you how can
00:20:01
you talk to just anyone yeah and I
00:20:04
turned it around on him and said
00:20:06
Gabrielle how come you don't like it's
00:20:08
so foreign to me why would I walk past a
00:20:11
human I can interact with so this is my
00:20:15
yeah I think people do feel relaxed
00:20:17
around me
00:20:18
easily and So you you're trained as a
00:20:21
psychotherapist what does that mean
00:20:23
exactly what did you do I trained first
00:20:24
as a counselor in the old Carrington
00:20:27
before unitech
00:20:29
uh oh the old Psychiatric Hospital yeah
00:20:32
well it after it was not the psychiatric
00:20:34
hospital it was called Caron Tech in
00:20:37
1992 okay and then it became unitech so
00:20:40
I started training there and then became
00:20:44
trained as a counselor with the human
00:20:47
development and Training Institute here
00:20:49
in New
00:20:51
Market then I wanted to set an
00:20:54
international
00:20:56
qualification as a transactional analyst
00:20:59
so that's Eric Burn's model of um work
00:21:04
and then eventually over the decades I
00:21:06
went up to as high as you can get
00:21:08
actually as an internationally
00:21:12
recognized have to remember the names
00:21:14
it's in the graveyard training and
00:21:16
supervising transaction
00:21:18
analyst and which is where I met Clinton
00:21:21
Kahan at the TA
00:21:23
conference right that's um that sounds
00:21:25
like an exhausting line of work you must
00:21:28
you know what I mean in terms of the
00:21:29
weight of um problems that you're
00:21:31
dealing with
00:21:32
and I don't know it just feels like
00:21:34
you'd finish each day carrying quite a
00:21:38
burden no no my sister's in the
00:21:42
accountancy world that would be
00:21:47
a yes
00:21:49
so no and I have energetic tools that I
00:21:52
use it you know not taking it on for
00:21:56
sure no I can't think of
00:21:59
especially when I run a training which
00:22:01
is when I think I'm really on
00:22:03
fire um I can't think of anything I'd
00:22:06
rather do wow that's amazing and and
00:22:09
then you became a a trauma specialist
00:22:11
what does that mean exactly what
00:22:13
happened really my interest in what
00:22:16
stopped people reaching their full
00:22:19
potential or being stuck when they did
00:22:22
used to come for counseling or
00:22:24
Psychotherapy and you know
00:22:27
neurologically phys
00:22:29
logically emotionally when people
00:22:32
haven't healed those frozen aspects of
00:22:36
their life
00:22:38
event so it just happened and then I did
00:22:42
courses with David belli so I became a
00:22:46
trauma release exercise trainer as well
00:22:50
and of course what makes me so good is
00:22:52
I've had to do my own work did you on
00:22:55
yourself heal my absolutely heal all my
00:22:58
own
00:22:59
traumas yeah how do what were yours do
00:23:01
you want to get into that or not
00:23:02
particularly what were my men well
00:23:05
um Mom and Dad were really autocratic
00:23:08
parents but they wanted blind
00:23:11
obedience lancer's national anthem is
00:23:15
toughen up get on with
00:23:17
it that English stiff upper lip thing
00:23:20
well languish is even worse right in
00:23:22
fact my dear friend up in ooni she says
00:23:26
you know when you're with a pom and how
00:23:27
do I know they're Pucket at both
00:23:31
ends it sums it up you because look my
00:23:35
my parents were both their parents were
00:23:38
in the war mom's dad died in the
00:23:42
war working Clash Lancashire was really
00:23:44
hard and so I was parented by parents
00:23:49
who had their own
00:23:51
traumas yeah so a lot of that not
00:23:55
feeling don't feel get on with it be
00:23:57
strong hurry H up so I was Superwoman
00:24:01
for a while and then that started to
00:24:04
crumble that image and started to do my
00:24:06
own feelings work God that sounds really
00:24:09
familiar to you 100% yeah it works it
00:24:14
works until it doesn't right yeah for
00:24:16
all of us I think I think that's part of
00:24:18
what midlife crisis is the mechanism we
00:24:21
created to
00:24:22
survive eventually either we'll do more
00:24:25
of it and do it more intensely or it's
00:24:29
an
00:24:29
opportunity to thrive not survive yeah
00:24:34
feel feels like it's like a bag of um
00:24:36
bag of gym clothes and you just keep
00:24:38
stuffing in the dirty gym clothes and
00:24:40
eventually you got to wash it cuz it's
00:24:42
that's a super analogy is it actually
00:24:45
absolutely but it's like it's not going
00:24:47
to go anywhere it's just going to going
00:24:49
to smell more and smell more and rot
00:24:51
yeah for me it showed up in dreams CU I
00:24:54
love dream work and I every night I'd go
00:24:57
the to his sleep and all the toilets
00:25:00
were full of [ __ ] no matter where I went
00:25:02
there was I can still see the dream
00:25:05
cubicle of eight toilets all nothing was
00:25:07
flushing away nowhere to go so yours is
00:25:12
a little more socially
00:25:15
acceptable here Janet okay so what are
00:25:18
what are some of the oh first of all so
00:25:20
how do you how do you how do you treat
00:25:22
yourself like when you know you've got
00:25:24
um um issues that need addressing
00:25:26
because I would imagine it's EAS it's
00:25:28
easy to have like a broader View and be
00:25:30
in your position and say okay a this is
00:25:32
the issue this is what you need it's
00:25:34
it's often harder to identify problems
00:25:36
internally isn't it which is why I keep
00:25:38
going to my own trainings and so like
00:25:41
last four days um last week I was at sha
00:25:44
Retreat again and my friend and
00:25:47
colleague Anna Nur bua was holding one
00:25:49
of the foundation trainings
00:25:51
impossibility management that is called
00:25:54
expand the box and it's a 4-day intense
00:25:57
look looking at your own stuff and then
00:26:01
I'll go to a lab soon in March so I keep
00:26:05
being under scrutiny around other people
00:26:08
plus I have a team and I if I'm
00:26:11
triggered which I of course I get
00:26:14
triggered for me I know then that that's
00:26:16
an emotion so one distinction that
00:26:19
wasn't made so clearly as a
00:26:21
psychotherapist was the distinction
00:26:23
between emotions and feelings and
00:26:26
although they're the same mad s had bad
00:26:29
Cloud emotions are always from the past
00:26:32
so I know if I'm having if I'm triggered
00:26:35
there's an emotion there from the past
00:26:37
and I reach out to my team for an
00:26:39
emotional healing process so it's always
00:26:42
an
00:26:44
opportunity okay so there's and there's
00:26:46
the one-on-one sessions that you do but
00:26:48
there's also um like the groups and the
00:26:50
workshops that you do so what are what
00:26:52
are I don't know if there is but if
00:26:54
there are what are common problems or
00:26:56
issues that you see in most people you
00:26:57
work with and you know is there small
00:26:59
stuff that we can all do to get better
00:27:02
definitely bring your ears from beside
00:27:05
your head to your heart not many people
00:27:09
can really listen they either do
00:27:12
neurotic listening and make it all about
00:27:14
them or what I call the roadblocks to
00:27:17
listening which is interrogation or
00:27:20
reassuring using the roadblocks to
00:27:23
communication which is a always a part
00:27:25
of the trainings I offer right and we've
00:27:28
used usually been the recipient of that
00:27:30
kind of listening and then there's
00:27:32
really good reasons that I don't want to
00:27:35
tell you what I'm feeling if you're
00:27:36
going to fix me or tell me I shouldn't
00:27:39
be so did I answer your question I lost
00:27:42
track of the question I think so I I
00:27:44
just ask what like what are the common
00:27:45
problems or issues you see in people
00:27:47
small stuff they can do to get better
00:27:49
you think just listening a listening is
00:27:51
huge yeah so in my flying Walker I've
00:27:54
got one thing written on one of my
00:27:55
cupboards and that's transformational
00:27:58
listening changes the morphogenetic
00:28:00
field and I believe it if I only listen
00:28:04
to you off camera for half an hour I'm
00:28:07
sure you would go to places you haven't
00:28:10
been because I I do listen with my heart
00:28:14
yeah and on a training I put ears e a r
00:28:18
is in the middle of here and I put a t
00:28:21
on it and that's heart so that's always
00:28:24
my commitment I love that to listen with
00:28:26
my ears in my heart was like a more um
00:28:29
compassionate way of the saying um you
00:28:31
know you've got two ears one mouth use
00:28:33
them shut up yeah okay so um what about
00:28:38
me I'm wondering how you could how you
00:28:40
could help me today because I I I saw
00:28:42
the starer movie and I saw the work you
00:28:44
did with Izzy and I I thought oh my God
00:28:46
this lady's amazing and I've um I've got
00:28:49
so many issues and I just don't know I'm
00:28:51
um I've got I've got no reason to be
00:28:54
unhappy about anything but I'm just I'm
00:28:56
just sad so often
00:28:58
well well how what did you just feel in
00:29:01
your body when you said that um yeah
00:29:04
that take a moment we can cut this out
00:29:07
it doesn't have to be on
00:29:09
here sad there'll be a reason you're sad
00:29:12
D and it might not be for now keep going
00:29:15
yeah I I don't know why like I've got I
00:29:17
feel like I've got um nothing to be said
00:29:19
about like I've got um you know
00:29:22
fantastic family and friends and and
00:29:24
people that love me and it's just I just
00:29:26
I just don't um
00:29:29
I don't um like myself as much as what I
00:29:31
feel like I should I um yeah I don't
00:29:34
know it's like it's like a self
00:29:35
self-esteem thing I of um my girlfriend
00:29:38
who you met on the way in um we've only
00:29:40
been living together for a few months
00:29:41
now but like we'll do exercise in the
00:29:44
morning and she'll um she'll have like a
00:29:46
a 3K run around the park or'll do a
00:29:48
pilates workout and then she'll be
00:29:50
she'll be glowing in the face and she'll
00:29:51
say to me I'm so proud of myself and for
00:29:54
me to get to the point where I feel
00:29:56
proud of myself I need to be doing
00:29:58
something extreme like on Monday I went
00:30:00
for a 30k run and um I felt proud of
00:30:02
myself after that but I'm just I'm just
00:30:05
so mean to myself and I don't know why I
00:30:08
don't know how I can how I can get get
00:30:10
around
00:30:11
it so it's [ __ ] day it's no sounds
00:30:15
normal to me who used to be mean to
00:30:21
you well no one really I mean not that I
00:30:25
can not that I can think of I mean you
00:30:26
know when you go to schools a rough time
00:30:28
for everyone right to a degree oh that
00:30:30
alone yes how was it rough for you Dom
00:30:34
well I don't know you
00:30:36
just I I like I look back and I think um
00:30:41
you know you just you desperately want
00:30:42
to fit in you always want to fit in and
00:30:46
um yeah so it was I think I feel like I
00:30:49
was just subjected to this the standard
00:30:52
sort of like bullying that everyone's
00:30:54
subjected to at school like you don't
00:30:55
you know all all the kids had uh like
00:30:58
BMX has and mom and dad wanted me to
00:31:00
have a sensible bike so you don't have
00:31:01
the you the shiny the shiny clothes or
00:31:04
the the shiny object that you want but
00:31:06
nothing nothing really you know what I
00:31:08
mean but I think that is something
00:31:10
because were you ridiculed in any
00:31:13
way yeah of course but I feel like
00:31:16
everyone shame yeah but I feel like
00:31:18
everyone at at school gets subjected to
00:31:20
that no one gets out on scath right
00:31:23
doesn't mean it doesn't leave
00:31:26
scars yeah off often we don't know we've
00:31:28
been envied we only know that embedded
00:31:32
shame that's the result of it but if we
00:31:35
feel we're odd or different in any
00:31:39
way what about expectations what would
00:31:42
you say your parents spoken or unspoken
00:31:45
expectations of your
00:31:49
were the um it's it's a complicated one
00:31:52
with my parents cuz it's you know you
00:31:54
look back on reflection my my parents
00:31:56
were like super super super supportive
00:31:59
um like I I you know they they they
00:32:01
bought me and my siblings up to tell you
00:32:03
you could do anything you wanted to
00:32:05
which is really really cool and I I you
00:32:07
know we were growing up in a a place
00:32:09
called paliston North I wanted to get
00:32:10
into radio which was a very very
00:32:12
unorthodox sort of occupation but they
00:32:14
never tried to talk me out of it so they
00:32:16
were always really encouraging in that
00:32:17
way um but it was on the on the flip
00:32:20
side of that it was quite a tense
00:32:21
household growing up like Mom and Dad
00:32:23
should have broken up 20 years before
00:32:25
they did um you you get and you form
00:32:28
your own adult relationships and you
00:32:29
realize oh that wasn't that wasn't
00:32:32
normal like there you it's like it's a
00:32:34
very we always lived in quite quite a
00:32:36
small house there like like six people
00:32:38
in a three-bedroom house um and and uh
00:32:42
which which is fine it was just sort of
00:32:43
middle class New Zealand in in the 1980s
00:32:45
but um you realize there's a lot of
00:32:47
tension around you know with dad's
00:32:50
drinking and Mom and Dad you didn't like
00:32:52
each other and stuff like that so then
00:32:55
but but for me and my siblings
00:32:57
incredibly you know supportive however
00:33:00
what you're talking about affects kids
00:33:02
enormously if you have to live with that
00:33:05
amount of
00:33:06
conflict it's you can't relax yeah yeah
00:33:09
and then there was another thing in the
00:33:10
style Bender movie that sort of
00:33:11
resonated with me with is he talking
00:33:13
about his own family um yeah we were was
00:33:16
a very and yours actually it was a very
00:33:18
strict household um so it felt like I
00:33:21
felt like I was getting getting the belt
00:33:23
all the [ __ ] time and my younger
00:33:25
brother who was like a bit of a Savage
00:33:27
he he mind like he'd be over the bed
00:33:29
he'd look back at dad and say you don't
00:33:31
scare me but me I was um I was a scared
00:33:34
little boy no wonder Dom which where in
00:33:38
the hierarchy of siblings are you I'm
00:33:41
second to oldest so it's yeah oldest
00:33:43
sister me younger brother and then
00:33:45
younger
00:33:45
sister um yeah I mean that I would
00:33:49
encourage us to look at you with someone
00:33:51
else at some stage because
00:33:54
neurologically you wouldn't have been
00:33:55
able to
00:33:56
relax M so that's that's what I'm
00:33:59
talking about this unprocessed
00:34:02
experience that you have to survive but
00:34:06
surviving isn't
00:34:09
thriving how did your dad's drinking
00:34:11
affect
00:34:13
you cuz it's usually unpredictable dumb
00:34:16
to be around someone who uses
00:34:21
alcohol I look back now it was yeah your
00:34:25
dad Dad drunk a lot but it was um it was
00:34:28
more the tension that was created with
00:34:29
him and Mom when he was
00:34:31
drinking you know so that' sort of be
00:34:34
arguing but it was never there was never
00:34:36
any sort of you know uh physical
00:34:38
violence or anything I think there's
00:34:40
verbal aggression between Mom and Dad um
00:34:42
well and tension kids pick up yeah yeah
00:34:45
the tension a lot of tension um how do
00:34:48
you if you think about that younger
00:34:52
you what would you say to him so that
00:34:55
you show him you had some idea what it
00:34:58
might have been
00:34:59
like yeah that one let your chin keep
00:35:02
quivering Dom you can feel what you're
00:35:13
feeling just let the emotions be your
00:35:16
first
00:35:20
go what what want to tell him it's going
00:35:22
to be all right but it's like it wasn't
00:35:24
all right was it no and it's still not
00:35:29
thank you for feeling
00:35:31
this it's and nothing about that was all
00:35:35
right in order for him to relax
00:35:42
neurologically and who notice the effect
00:35:44
of this tension when Dad was drinking
00:35:48
who noticed the effect on you
00:35:50
Dom I don't know if anyone
00:35:54
did I don't know we just crack on
00:35:56
cracked on with things I don't know how
00:35:59
lonely that no one noticed the impact on
00:36:05
you yeah I suppose it's just how it was
00:36:07
at the time I mean my parents
00:36:10
did I know they did the best they could
00:36:13
with the resources they had at the time
00:36:14
and the information they had at the time
00:36:16
and it was a very strict religious
00:36:18
upbringing as well and so it's how all
00:36:21
my cousins were raised and my mom's
00:36:23
family it's a very big family and so all
00:36:26
my um cousins it was all the same way
00:36:30
every everyone was getting disciplined
00:36:31
all the time um and you know look but I
00:36:34
look back now it's I I just don't yeah
00:36:37
much like Israel it just didn't it just
00:36:39
didn't sort of work for me or didn't
00:36:40
agree with me and I've probably still
00:36:41
got a bit of a chip on my shoulder about
00:36:44
that um
00:36:46
yeah it's just yeah it's just weird you
00:36:50
know I I
00:36:52
am like I think I'm quite a nice person
00:36:54
but I I treat everyone better than what
00:36:57
I what I treat myself and I think part
00:36:59
of that is because I'm I'm a good person
00:37:01
but I think part of is is maybe like an
00:37:03
issue that I've just got this yeah
00:37:05
people pleasing trait or this yeah this
00:37:08
need to be liked or something like that
00:37:10
yeah so natural given the environment
00:37:13
you're talking
00:37:14
about cuz while you could please them
00:37:16
and keep them happy how did that work
00:37:18
for
00:37:20
you yeah I don't
00:37:25
know I don't know I
00:37:28
I think like you were saying before you
00:37:29
know
00:37:30
worked it works for a time and until it
00:37:34
doesn't yeah well if you're brave enough
00:37:37
come on 9th and 10th of March to
00:37:40
building communication Bridges inside
00:37:42
and out okay cuz it's Building Bridges
00:37:44
with that younger you m that didn't have
00:37:48
the attention put on how scary that was
00:37:52
m so how does that work so with a group
00:37:55
s like that how does that work that's
00:37:58
very very how many people are there like
00:38:00
it's very confronting thinking you're
00:38:02
going to break down in front of a group
00:38:04
of strangers do you know what I mean oh
00:38:06
that's most people's fear and some
00:38:09
people have done it many many times and
00:38:11
they sit and watch the first time check
00:38:14
out how I'm working I've got a team
00:38:17
James Andrews is my we're co-
00:38:19
facilitators together co-s space holders
00:38:22
and then an amazing team of upcoming
00:38:25
space holders so so we talk about fears
00:38:29
of feeling in front of other
00:38:31
people and people who've done it before
00:38:33
are already ready to talk about the
00:38:36
feelings or the emotions that are
00:38:39
locked and when we look at the driver
00:38:42
behaviors the pleasing others is one of
00:38:44
those driver behaviors that we engage to
00:38:48
keep this other vulnerable part out of
00:38:51
awareness so for Izzy definitely be
00:38:55
strong and that was one my main driver
00:38:58
Five drivers so we look at that as well
00:39:01
in the
00:39:02
[Music]
00:39:05
training life it's hard isn't it and um
00:39:09
yeah I I I think um
00:39:12
these um emotions for me like have um
00:39:16
been bubbling to the surface for the
00:39:18
past few years cuz I I I I left school
00:39:21
got into a career in radio I kept myself
00:39:23
um as busy as what I
00:39:25
could for and it's only been the last
00:39:27
few years that I've sort of taken the
00:39:28
foot off the accelerator and given
00:39:30
myself like a bit more breathing space
00:39:32
and it's when you do that it's like um
00:39:36
I've I've realized now that um yeah my
00:39:38
work or career I think I probably
00:39:40
overworked myself and as a as a way of
00:39:43
maybe trying to sort of outrun potential
00:39:45
issues or just keeping myself busy so I
00:39:46
don't have to focus on anything else and
00:39:49
even look at your body as you're talking
00:39:50
about this your body's communicating to
00:39:53
both of us is that how do you mean when
00:39:56
you're busy shaking you might not even
00:39:58
know you're shaking your body's giv me
00:40:01
the clues that yeah hurry up be strong
00:40:05
carry on Soldier on we're talking to
00:40:07
we're
00:40:08
Twins and it did work for a while while
00:40:12
you can keep it going but then us yeah
00:40:14
[ __ ] usually life comes along with
00:40:17
something for me it was my second child
00:40:21
and he had lactose in tolerance and
00:40:23
cried I hardly slept and that's what I
00:40:26
needed to start cracking my if I think
00:40:29
of a walnut it had to the pressure from
00:40:32
the inside started to crack the wallnut
00:40:36
up
00:40:37
and yeah yeah for me I I feel like I was
00:40:40
um constantly chasing something and it
00:40:42
was so like once I once I reach this
00:40:44
Milestone everything's going to be all
00:40:46
right once I get this and and um for me
00:40:49
I think that sort of manifested itself
00:40:51
in the accumulation of positions so I
00:40:54
got a really nice really nice house um
00:40:57
and and it wasn't until I accumulated
00:41:00
everything I want including a a
00:41:01
wonderful swimming pool and a spa pool
00:41:04
and a library room the the like a house
00:41:08
that um was I suppose a house that's
00:41:10
nicer than any house I ever grew up in
00:41:12
it's when you accumulate that you sort
00:41:14
of realize ah the actual the actual
00:41:18
dopamine hit or whatever was the thought
00:41:20
of getting something and then when you
00:41:21
actually get it it's like ah it's that
00:41:23
all and then you're chasing the next
00:41:25
thing so a few years ago I um
00:41:27
downside so I'm in my apartment now so
00:41:29
it's I mean it's still quite cluttered
00:41:32
but it's closer to minimalism than than
00:41:34
what I was but it's um it's like it's a
00:41:37
really scary thought when you you you're
00:41:40
chasing something your whole life and
00:41:41
you think these things are going to
00:41:42
bring you happiness and then you get to
00:41:45
[ __ ] your late 40s or 50 and you
00:41:47
realize oh [ __ ] no can't out run it
00:41:50
empty yeah can't out
00:41:52
exactly and then you're faced with these
00:41:54
feelings and emotions yeah and yeah it's
00:41:57
just been the last couple of years you
00:41:59
realize I I can't go on like this like
00:42:00
I'm I'm fat and healthy so all going
00:42:03
well I'm going to have another another
00:42:04
good 30 years ahead of me and I just
00:42:06
can't spend another 30 years you know
00:42:09
feeling like this it's just not
00:42:11
fair it's
00:42:14
hard I'm really touched by your
00:42:16
vulnerability right now really
00:42:20
totally such again like Izzy such a
00:42:22
visible Frontline person and you're
00:42:25
willing to shake with some Fe fearing
00:42:28
your chin in front of me you've not met
00:42:30
me before totally inspiring and then to
00:42:34
be a role model for other young
00:42:37
men who also don't know how to be with
00:42:40
their
00:42:42
feelings Yeah well yeah I mean I've been
00:42:46
trying to like be more open and
00:42:47
vulnerable over the last few years cuz I
00:42:49
realized it's it's an important thing
00:42:51
like I I genuinely always thought it was
00:42:54
like a weakness and it's only the last
00:42:56
few years that I've realized
00:42:57
you know um the ability to cry and the
00:43:00
ability to communicate this stuff is
00:43:01
actually like um you know the complete
00:43:04
opposite the polar op sort of um
00:43:06
awakeness but it's it's hard it's not
00:43:08
easy for me but then another thing like
00:43:10
I find it easier to sit here with you
00:43:13
who's a relative Stranger in front of
00:43:15
these microphones then when I will
00:43:16
having these conversations with you
00:43:19
people who I love and who love me that's
00:43:21
[ __ ] up right that makes total sense
00:43:24
to me does well you might not ever see
00:43:26
me again so the risk the risk is much
00:43:30
lower right you're not risking me one
00:43:34
judging you which I don't or distancing
00:43:38
myself from you or labeling you as
00:43:41
[ __ ]
00:43:42
up you don't need to do that I'll do
00:43:44
that first well I'll see that I'll see
00:43:47
that which is usually one way we protect
00:43:49
ourselves we get in a bit ourselves up
00:43:53
first yeah is that quite a common thing
00:43:55
is it very m
00:43:57
and you know the wound of school for so
00:43:59
many people is the story you're telling
00:44:02
and I feel so sad about that that school
00:44:06
something to be survived it's a place
00:44:09
where some of these uncles traumas
00:44:14
happened I mean that's tragic for me
00:44:17
yeah yeah I think school's probably got
00:44:18
a lot to answer for you I went to um an
00:44:20
old boy school where you know if you if
00:44:23
you showed any sort of like
00:44:24
vulnerability or weakness it would just
00:44:25
be weaponized against
00:44:27
so you just wouldn't so well you learn
00:44:30
to toughen up right you survival
00:44:33
mechanism yeah and what you're talking
00:44:36
about is the old map of feelings M where
00:44:38
we think weakness sadness is weak you
00:44:42
know we it's one thing we do on the
00:44:44
training is what's your current map of
00:44:47
beliefs about feeling sad scared anger
00:44:50
or joy
00:44:53
and once we know
00:44:55
that and real realize what we're really
00:44:57
saying is feelings are not okay mhm then
00:45:01
we look on so the first day we look at
00:45:04
how we get in what I call the swamp the
00:45:07
[ __ ] and then the second down we could
00:45:10
look at how to live in the
00:45:12
garden and then feelings are not only
00:45:15
okay but I'm consciously
00:45:18
accessing my sadness right now for
00:45:20
compassion with you and to communicate
00:45:23
or you would see my anger consciously
00:45:26
never to hurt someone but to hold
00:45:28
boundaries say no this isn't okay and to
00:45:32
go for what I want I want to be I am a
00:45:35
grandmother of six I want to be this
00:45:37
elder or what Rob maaka calls fire Janet
00:45:42
to to be the person in the world that
00:45:45
many people need and to leave the world
00:45:48
a better place when this physical body's
00:45:51
buried in the ground which hopefully
00:45:53
won't be for a long time yet yeah I hope
00:45:55
not too yeah so yeah every day every
00:45:59
conversation I want to create the
00:46:01
culture I want to live in which is your
00:46:03
feelings are totally welcome in my space
00:46:07
Dom and I suspect if you did come it's
00:46:11
you've been able to reconnect with that
00:46:13
fright and D that no one ever
00:46:17
witnessed cuz we need protection when
00:46:19
we're
00:46:20
scared and you didn't have
00:46:25
it yeah
00:46:29
it's yeah that's
00:46:30
lovely immediately I I sit here
00:46:33
thinking if this podcast goes out you
00:46:36
know how will my parents receive it you
00:46:38
know what I mean they'll be like well
00:46:40
yeah we were there for you we did have
00:46:41
that protection do you know what I mean
00:46:44
well they could protect you protect you
00:46:46
to the level they knew was
00:46:48
possible I I say it the same they did
00:46:51
the best they could 100% but they would
00:46:54
have been parents they would have been
00:46:56
children of parents either in the
00:46:58
depression probably I'm trying to guess
00:47:00
your age yeah or their parents went to
00:47:03
war so it's it's the intergenerational
00:47:08
stuff that doesn't get transformed it
00:47:11
gets
00:47:12
transmitted so if they're listening it's
00:47:15
not that we're blaming them in any way
00:47:18
and I'm going to bring it back to me as
00:47:20
a parent I've definitely created scars
00:47:23
for my four
00:47:25
children even with the best of
00:47:28
intentions and I don't I'm mindful of
00:47:32
that and I've grieved that I did not
00:47:35
have the tools M because I was doing my
00:47:38
own work to be the kind of Grandma I am
00:47:42
now cuz I've got those much more skills
00:47:46
so anything you would want to say if
00:47:48
your mom and dad listened to
00:47:52
this um what would you want to
00:47:55
say look I I know I love you guys and I
00:47:59
know you did the absolute best you could
00:48:00
with the information you had um at the
00:48:03
time um but they they noted that as well
00:48:06
we're not an overly um verbal family but
00:48:09
you know we like I'm I'm going overseas
00:48:12
with my mom in a few months we're
00:48:13
running a marathon together um my dad
00:48:16
dad lives in Wellington we're not overly
00:48:17
close but you know we catch up by text
00:48:19
you know every month or every couple of
00:48:21
months um but yeah watching um the styl
00:48:26
the movie that like that made me feel
00:48:28
like guilt about my relationship with my
00:48:29
own parents not that I should buy them a
00:48:31
Bentley because first of all I don't
00:48:34
have the means but secondly like um the
00:48:37
main thing like uh material stuff aside
00:48:39
like the Bentley that he bought his
00:48:40
parents aside like seeing the way he
00:48:42
greets his parents and even though he's
00:48:44
still [ __ ] off about you the
00:48:46
discipline and the stuff from growing up
00:48:48
how he manages to hug them and embrace
00:48:50
them I just don't feel like I have that
00:48:53
with my family I feel like I've gotten
00:48:55
aloofness or something
00:48:57
you know ability to an inability to S
00:49:00
conect well thinking anybody that uses
00:49:05
excessive amount of alcohol is doing it
00:49:07
to numb to keep their numbness bar High
00:49:10
your dad will have a good reason yeah he
00:49:12
used the
00:49:14
anesthetic others use anesthetic of
00:49:16
working hard so they don't feel M so for
00:49:19
me it had to go this way so we could
00:49:22
start writing different
00:49:25
chapters
00:49:27
I'm going to see you in my own
00:49:29
time yeah I'm going to see you when's
00:49:32
When's this Workshop you're doing uh
00:49:34
there's one in kir Kiri 2nd and third of
00:49:36
March yeah and ockland 9th and 10th of
00:49:39
March what about if anyone wants to get
00:49:41
a hold of you themselves what's the best
00:49:43
way they should go about doing that
00:49:44
Janet redman.com
00:49:46
yeah
00:49:48
yeah just take a minute now you've
00:49:51
actually opened up probably more than
00:49:52
you
00:49:54
realize what's your experience of
00:49:56
yourself
00:50:00
inside I don't know I breathe that all
00:50:03
the way out you you hold your breath as
00:50:06
one way of this is one way we we numb
00:50:09
Dom not doing anything wrong but this is
00:50:11
the survival mechanism you created
00:50:14
literally to survive good idea I'm
00:50:17
getting dry talking a Big Gulp of water
00:50:20
um I don't know I suppose I feel like
00:50:23
um I don't know a little bit of like
00:50:25
guilt or shame now
00:50:27
something I don't know it's just it's a
00:50:29
weird relationship I have with myself
00:50:31
like the way the way I speak to myself
00:50:33
sometimes Janet it's like I I I do have
00:50:36
certain boundaries and it's like I
00:50:37
wouldn't the way I speak to myself I
00:50:39
wouldn't accept it from anyone else you
00:50:41
know family member or otherwise I'll be
00:50:43
like well you know you can you can [ __ ]
00:50:45
right off yeah it's okay for me feels
00:50:48
like the standards or the expectations
00:50:50
or whatever it is that I have for myself
00:50:52
it's just so impossibly high that's
00:50:55
exhausting
00:50:57
is impossible you wouldn't achieve them
00:51:00
I look at it this
00:51:03
way I use some of my money when I saw my
00:51:05
house to start a family business called
00:51:08
Drain King I have to say it slowly cuz
00:51:10
people think I'm saying
00:51:12
drinking Drain
00:51:15
King and so all my son three sons and my
00:51:20
grandson are in the external drain
00:51:22
business and I keep seeing emotionally I
00:51:25
do the same work psychologically go in
00:51:28
and clear the drains out but first on
00:51:30
top of the manhole Dom is this en energy
00:51:36
Gremlin I don't know what you would call
00:51:37
it that is much more vicious to
00:51:40
ourselves but it's a
00:51:43
guardan it I don't see it as something
00:51:46
bad at all but we created a
00:51:49
somebody that guards what might look
00:51:53
like the [ __ ] literally in in external
00:51:56
drains but is actually the gems and
00:51:59
treasures that KL Yung talked about the
00:52:01
unconscious is 90%
00:52:03
gold so I suspect the person you've got
00:52:07
guiding what might look like your [ __ ]
00:52:10
your
00:52:11
gems is the part we' have to come in
00:52:13
contact with first cuz I know it's
00:52:16
motivation we'll have good intention
00:52:18
it's strategies
00:52:20
[Music]
00:52:22
outdated what do you reckon about that
00:52:25
theory I'm going to have to go back and
00:52:27
listen to this later today maybe even
00:52:29
two or three times just to take it all
00:52:31
in it's a big S what what do you feeling
00:52:34
as you have that huge side well I after
00:52:39
after you're breaking down in front of
00:52:41
you I feel uh I feel like a certain
00:52:43
level of exhaustion now I know that when
00:52:45
we finish the session uh you know it'll
00:52:47
bit you know that feeling when you go
00:52:48
and see a movie during the daytime and
00:52:50
then you walk back out into the daylight
00:52:51
afterwards and it's quite an
00:52:53
overwhelming sort of like a sensory
00:52:55
overload yeah kind of feel like that
00:52:57
well you've invited me to help you feel
00:52:59
this stuff and that is part of my skill
00:53:02
set
00:53:03
yeah yeah you got me easy didn't you it
00:53:06
was a first round
00:53:08
knockout no no actually my I said to
00:53:12
James James will you come with me and he
00:53:15
was willing to and then I said no I
00:53:18
don't want you to come because I'm
00:53:19
hoping D we'll get into his
00:53:23
feelings so well be careful what you
00:53:25
wish for Janet
00:53:27
um who was the one that invited me I
00:53:29
didn't reach out to you yeah no you knew
00:53:33
it's somehow you know that I have the
00:53:35
skills or the presence to meet you where
00:53:38
you're at so you're not so hard on
00:53:40
yourself
00:53:41
Tom is that quite a common thing or
00:53:44
totally is it
00:53:47
totally can't tell you
00:53:50
how that that makes me feel happy to
00:53:53
here it's a it's a it's a common thing
00:53:55
it can just feel very alone and isolated
00:53:57
sometimes all people think you're the
00:54:00
only one going through
00:54:02
it yeah well that's good hopefully this
00:54:04
helps some other people as well and
00:54:07
hopefully some people reach out to you
00:54:08
if they um if they feel in a not even
00:54:12
same position as me but just if they're
00:54:13
going through some stuff that they think
00:54:15
you could help with cuz yeah after
00:54:17
watching you in the style binder thing
00:54:18
it's um you're you're very talented you
00:54:21
do have a very particular skill set
00:54:23
thank you and not only me any
00:54:25
possibility man in New
00:54:27
Zealand uh go on the possibility
00:54:29
management New Zealand
00:54:31
website the global PM website there's
00:54:36
650 free websites there Clinton Callahan
00:54:40
and his partner and Chloe Desto have
00:54:43
huge podcasts TV they're willing to
00:54:46
record all the spaces they hold there's
00:54:50
Avail you know free things out there it
00:54:53
doesn't you don't have to have money to
00:54:55
be able to pay for what
00:54:57
you know pay for the services of
00:55:00
someone yeah full full disclosure like
00:55:02
if if we were sitting down having this
00:55:04
chat 5 years ago it would have been a
00:55:05
very different different actually we
00:55:07
wouldn't no we wouldn't have even been
00:55:08
sitting down having this chat 5 years
00:55:09
ago because I would have heard the term
00:55:12
possibility manager and I would have
00:55:13
been like what what a pile of woo woo
00:55:18
[ __ ] um fear that's hard totally
00:55:22
fair no totally fair no then it gets to
00:55:25
the point where you realize
00:55:27
um I'm I'm not as happy as what I should
00:55:30
be I've got no reason to be upset but
00:55:32
nothing's making me happy so I'm open to
00:55:34
anything and uh yeah seeing someone um
00:55:38
like Israel you um yeah seeking your
00:55:41
services and getting real benefit from
00:55:42
it I think that's um it's a real
00:55:44
empowering thing I am so glad look how
00:55:47
vulnerable was
00:55:49
he and Sh the power feel to heal he
00:55:53
showed
00:55:54
it yeah yeah and also
00:55:57
um crying is a really good thing isn't
00:55:59
it I um yeah I went through years and
00:56:03
years and years without I I me I
00:56:04
mentioned at the beginning of this chat
00:56:05
like I um even cried a couple of times
00:56:08
during the sty bind documentary I I cry
00:56:11
all the time now I've got no isue with
00:56:12
it but I went through my 20s and 30s
00:56:14
without crying at all and myself and my
00:56:17
um your former wife we went through a
00:56:19
lot of stuff we went through like rounds
00:56:21
and rounds of unsuccessful IVF treatment
00:56:24
and I don't remember like crying or
00:56:25
processing any of that stuff at the time
00:56:28
you would have had a high numbness
00:56:30
bar said Jim bag we're talking about I
00:56:33
exactly exactly and I bet your wife at
00:56:36
the time would have needed your
00:56:38
emotional connection having that's such
00:56:40
a journey that one yeah oh know it's
00:56:43
it's it's a lot so there's um there's
00:56:44
also a lot of guilt and shame about that
00:56:46
like I really felt like um I I let her
00:56:49
down and a lot of that was just like
00:56:51
bearing myself in my work just um work
00:56:54
as an addiction in a way yeah M and like
00:56:57
Gabel Martez says never why the
00:57:00
addiction but why the pain and harder
00:57:02
with what you're saying because you've
00:57:05
made a way you went for what you wanted
00:57:07
you got it and then you go wow that
00:57:11
didn't fill that empty hole inside yeah
00:57:14
yeah but also you climb a mountain and
00:57:15
then you realize oh no now I've just got
00:57:17
to climb Another Mountain like you never
00:57:20
reach the you never reach the summit do
00:57:22
you you never reached a point where okay
00:57:25
once I there I'm going to be happy and
00:57:27
that's it I can sit down and relax not
00:57:30
if you're running away from these parts
00:57:32
you put underneath the the
00:57:36
manhole and 5 years ago I would have met
00:57:38
your cocky arrogant self knowing there's
00:57:42
a really scared part of you under there
00:57:44
or else why would you protect it that
00:57:46
way you wouldn't
00:57:49
scoff we usually scoff at what we need
00:57:52
most yeah or
00:57:54
can yeah it's interesting so I would
00:57:57
have been putting on an active bravado
00:57:58
but you would have seen right through it
00:58:01
yeah I think so that
00:58:03
self-righteousness is the defense
00:58:05
against the embedded shame that's deep
00:58:09
underneath and thankfully I've got a
00:58:11
spar handle along enough to eventually
00:58:14
reach most not all but most yeah oh
00:58:17
you're great what a what a great ER it's
00:58:18
been um Janet Redmond thank you we were
00:58:21
going backwards and forwards by um email
00:58:24
I think I messaged you I looked you up
00:58:25
on go I Googled you and looked you up
00:58:26
immediately after watching the stara
00:58:28
movie um we bounced backwards and
00:58:29
forwards a couple of times you wanted to
00:58:31
know what the um nature of the podcast
00:58:34
was um I I hope what we've done today
00:58:38
has you been sort of what I indicated in
00:58:41
the the email yes totally and to make
00:58:45
this message hat it's okay to feel in
00:58:47
fact it's essential to feel and then to
00:58:50
find new initiation
00:58:52
processes that invite us all to be more
00:58:55
respons ible M and create the kind of
00:58:58
relationships and communities where
00:59:01
everyone can Thrive not just some
00:59:04
successful people that's what matters to
00:59:06
me yeah I think that's a good place to
00:59:09
end this thank you
00:59:12
Dom oh I want wait AE oh no no no you I
00:59:15
want thank you for your
00:59:17
vulnerability because this will touch
00:59:20
other people you'll speak to that part
00:59:22
of them that all your successful radio
00:59:28
PE personality may not have so thank you
00:59:32
yeah that could happen or someone will
00:59:34
get the video of me ugly crying and tun
00:59:36
it into a
00:59:37
meme well that speaks more about them
00:59:40
doesn't it that's true and more it would
00:59:42
say more about their fears of feeling
00:59:44
their feelings yeah but they might
00:59:47
there's people have got shadows as we
00:59:49
all have yeah I I am actually getting
00:59:51
better better with that like years ago
00:59:54
um that fear of people people I don't
00:59:56
know mocking me for something would hold
00:59:59
me back from doing things but it doesn't
01:00:01
anymore I I actually don't give a [ __ ]
01:00:02
about that good make your own meme first
01:00:06
so the power of vulnerability yeah yeah
01:00:09
yeah yeah and have it next to the
01:00:10
picture of Izzy yeah crying I mean how
01:00:13
big were those tears e after fo died and
01:00:17
he lock blocked up his sadness did that
01:00:21
dumb [ __ ] about rape oh the rape tweet
01:00:24
yeah yeah and then that session at my
01:00:27
sister's place where he said Jan I want
01:00:29
to be able to access my sadness but
01:00:32
first we to do that R hold so you know
01:00:35
if you could have that picture of him
01:00:37
crying next to picture of you crying
01:00:39
you're starting a new men's culture and
01:00:42
it touches me deeply thank you Dom oh
01:00:45
you're the best Janet Redmond
01:00:47
possibility manager um thank you so much
01:00:50
for coming on the podcast today um I'm
01:00:52
so pleased to hear that even though you
01:00:53
are of pensioner age you're not retired
01:00:56
I'm a reiring good on you cuz yeah New
01:00:59
Zealand needs you lovely to meet you
01:01:01
yeah likewise thank you
01:01:02
[Music]
01:01:17
Dom
