00:00:00
I was really in a really bad place
00:00:02
struggling and um again didn't tell my
00:00:05
family it's funny because you know
00:00:08
throughout that time in 2020 once my
00:00:11
family knew they helped me so much but
00:00:14
then again started seeing my
00:00:16
psychologist again and didn't tell my
00:00:18
family so it kind of went back into old
00:00:21
habits of I've got to hide this I can't
00:00:24
show anyone how I'm
00:00:26
feeling
00:00:28
um would you if it if it happens again
00:00:31
and let's hope it doesn't would you
00:00:33
would you would you be more comfortable
00:00:35
speaking out do you think if it happened
00:00:36
again or do you think you'd this is your
00:00:38
default setting where you're just going
00:00:39
to you know you find it hard to speak
00:00:41
until it's really bad I'd like
00:00:44
to say I would um speak early I actually
00:00:49
I really struggled in May this year and
00:00:54
um
00:00:56
I didn't tell anyone again but I did
00:01:00
after two weeks of really struggling and
00:01:03
I saw a psychologist a different one cuz
00:01:05
my one moved back to England which I was
00:01:08
very sad about um and I was like oh I've
00:01:13
been feeling like this for the last two
00:01:16
is 3 weeks and didn't kind of seek cap
00:01:20
or get help till then and I just kind of
00:01:22
thought well before that how I was
00:01:25
feeling I was feeling like that for so
00:01:27
long and I thought you know I'm just
00:01:29
feeling bad at this time it's going to
00:01:31
pass but actually feeling like how I was
00:01:34
feeling for 2 weeks it's that's not
00:01:36
normal yeah it's a long time but I guess
00:01:40
from my tolerance or from how I felt in
00:01:43
the past it was like months or you know
00:01:47
so yeah it takes me a while I try
00:01:51
process it myself I try help myself
00:01:54
before telling anyone um but at the end
00:01:58
of the day like I'm advocating for
00:02:00
people to speak up I want people to be
00:02:02
able to tell people and speak up but
00:02:05
sometimes um you got to tell yourself
00:02:08
there yeah yeah yeah yeah you feel like
00:02:10
a hypocrite in a way yeah you know the
00:02:13
right things to do but you still don't
00:02:15
want to do it yeah but there's so much
00:02:17
power in being vulnerable and I think
00:02:19
I've found that too even now just with
00:02:22
relationships with people and the team
00:02:25
like my friends it's just
00:02:28
like every ation is more open
00:02:30
everything's more honest you have a
00:02:32
deeper level of I guess understanding
00:02:35
you like you truly truly understand and
00:02:38
care for them on this level and you just
00:02:41
check in on your mates and I think
00:02:43
that's been the most powerful thing for
00:02:45
me and my family and friend group is
00:02:48
we're more hyperaware and
00:02:50
we understand it more
00:02:54
um but yeah it's like I don't need to
00:02:58
feel bad for 2 weeks before I get help I
00:03:00
can do it after a few days that's cool
00:03:03
yeah the vulnerability thing is
00:03:04
interesting I've um I would up until a
00:03:07
few years ago have described myself as
00:03:08
completely um invulnerable if that's if
00:03:11
that's a word but I'm like I'm older
00:03:13
than you I went to an old boys school in
00:03:15
the 198s it was a different Generation
00:03:17
Um so it's hard for me but it's
00:03:19
the best thing ever it's so empowering
00:03:22
yeah it just it opens people up because
00:03:27
actually everyone's got going on in
00:03:28
their life everyone
00:03:30
has stuff going on upstairs you know oh
00:03:33
that's one one I I I stopped seeing a
00:03:35
therapist around about the same time I
00:03:36
started this podcast and um I I've
00:03:38
actually found doing this podcast quite
00:03:40
cathartic because you realize that
00:03:41
everyone's carrying yeah absolutely
00:03:44
everyone people that even people that
00:03:45
you wouldn't even expect no um it's um
00:03:48
IND indiscriminant you know and
00:03:50
everyone's going to go through stuff so
00:03:52
um so when was it that your your family
00:03:55
staged like an intervention of sorts
00:03:56
when was that 2021 2021 so
00:04:00
yeah I was just in the worst possible
00:04:02
place again um was this the broken
00:04:05
finger yeah and I think again just like
00:04:08
all those thoughts in my head as well
00:04:11
from things that have happened in the
00:04:12
past as well that I felt like what could
00:04:14
have I done better
00:04:16
um in certain situations and and whatnot
00:04:20
and in ter in terms of um the suicides
00:04:22
around
00:04:23
you not so much that but just like
00:04:28
why
00:04:30
why and trying to understand
00:04:32
and and just other things
00:04:35
like try yeah I just I don't really know
00:04:40
in a way um but yeah I guess I was in a
00:04:46
horrible place and I wasn't sleeping at
00:04:50
all um I was probably not eating enough
00:04:54
and exercising too much
00:04:57
and I yeah just panic attacks just I
00:05:02
just couldn't I was like a shell of
00:05:05
myself like I didn't even look like me I
00:05:08
nothing to me and I just got tired of
00:05:12
pretending I guess and putting on a
00:05:14
brave face
00:05:17
um and I
00:05:19
had had like a few moments where it just
00:05:24
because it was so continuous I never got
00:05:25
a break like there was never any good
00:05:27
moments I never had a good moment moment
00:05:30
I'd cry every morning when I woke up
00:05:33
because the day was scary I didn't want
00:05:36
to face the day and then I'd cry every
00:05:39
night because I didn't want to repeat
00:05:41
the same process and I was scared of
00:05:42
going to sleep because of
00:05:46
like things like I just couldn't sleep
00:05:49
like I closed my eyes and just terrible
00:05:51
like it's almost like hallucinations and
00:05:55
and whatnot so I was just constantly in
00:05:58
this cycle and I couldn't get out of it
00:06:01
for how long um I'd say like that for
00:06:06
about two months maybe oh my god um just
00:06:11
running off no sleep and then I went to
00:06:14
M green who's in the white THS and I
00:06:18
would just go I I was I wouldn't even
00:06:21
tell her but I just went around drove
00:06:23
around knocked on the front door at
00:06:26
about you know late at night and she
00:06:29
just knew that I was
00:06:31
like I was like tell I've been crying
00:06:35
I'd actually come from sitting at a
00:06:37
lookout just contemplating I guess life
00:06:41
why should I be here and
00:06:44
then I did you did you did you
00:06:47
contemplate taking your own life yeah I
00:06:49
think throughout that two Monon process
00:06:51
I it's a long time to be exhausted eh
00:06:55
it's a long time those two months I saw
00:06:59
side was on my mind every single day um
00:07:03
there was once where there's once where
00:07:06
I was in my
00:07:07
car and
00:07:10
I
00:07:11
had I had all these pills for like a
00:07:15
injured
00:07:16
wrist and I was in my car I just wanted
00:07:18
to take them all I wanted
00:07:21
to I just wanted the pains to go away in
00:07:23
that moment yeah 100% that's what it is
00:07:26
you just want the pain to stop I just
00:07:27
wanted it to stop and I was like people
00:07:29
know what I'm going through like I'm
00:07:31
bringing my family's life down how can I
00:07:34
do this and
00:07:37
so I yeah in my car like panic attack
00:07:42
cuz it was like this is what I
00:07:44
want to do but you know it's obviously a
00:07:47
scary decision to make and I obviously
00:07:51
didn't and then I a few weeks later or
00:07:55
whatever was at this lockout and then
00:07:59
just sat there because like it was a
00:08:01
beautiful night and I just found
00:08:02
something so like peaceful in that but
00:08:04
it also made me sad because it was like
00:08:06
I saw Beauty in that but there was no
00:08:09
like Beauty in my life or how I was
00:08:12
feeling and then I was like got in my
00:08:16
car again drove to madd's house and I
00:08:19
think I actually went to call my dad and
00:08:22
he didn't answer but I heard his voice
00:08:25
message and that just broke me I was
00:08:27
like I love my dad and so I went to but
00:08:30
he can't know how I'm feeling I went to
00:08:32
Maddie's and stayed with Maddie that
00:08:35
night and that ended up being a common
00:08:37
theme that I was at her house most
00:08:39
nights and she just she didn't even
00:08:43
necessarily talk to me like just there I
00:08:46
sat at like her table with her when I
00:08:48
came in that night and she was there and
00:08:50
I was here and I was just like
00:08:52
this like like almost like a katonic of
00:08:56
stage couldn't talk could not talk and
00:08:59
she knew like she knew from how I was
00:09:01
but I just I couldn't tell her anything
00:09:03
and I didn't want to tell her the
00:09:05
thoughts I was having because I don't
00:09:06
want to scare
00:09:08
her and then people would ask me m would
00:09:11
and PDM would ask me CU you do have to
00:09:15
ask at times are you suicidal and I'd
00:09:17
say I think about it a lot but I will
00:09:22
never do it which was a lie cuz I had
00:09:26
thought about it and then I was no good
00:09:29
and I just thought I needed to get away
00:09:32
cuz Wellington I was Finding obviously
00:09:34
like my routine there was horrible
00:09:37
because every day was hard and we had a
00:09:40
training camp in Christ Church and I was
00:09:42
like I just need to get to that training
00:09:44
camp because I'll be at Cricket I'll be
00:09:47
in my heavy place and I just need to
00:09:49
make it there
00:09:52
um and
00:09:54
I
00:09:56
guess that was my mindset I
00:10:00
getting to Christ Church so got on the
00:10:03
plane and at that point in time Maddie
00:10:05
had I was on anti-depressant and
00:10:09
everything and Maddie had taken all my
00:10:11
pills with me um so she had all of that
00:10:16
and I was just going to have one each
00:10:17
day from her and I was sitting on the
00:10:20
window seat and I looked out the window
00:10:22
on the plane and it was the most
00:10:24
beautiful night I love Wellington I
00:10:27
beautiful city can't on a good day you
00:10:30
can't beat it on a good day and I just
00:10:32
looked down and I was like
00:10:35
wow this is beautiful like this place is
00:10:38
beautiful and this is and it just hit me
00:10:41
in that moment this is the last time I
00:10:44
ever going to see the
00:10:46
city and I started crying on the plane
00:10:49
what what did you
00:10:50
mean as I'm going a Christ Church away
00:10:54
from my
00:10:55
family um and I'm not going to see
00:10:57
Wellington again
00:10:59
because I want this pain to end and if I
00:11:03
end it in Christ Church my family aren't
00:11:06
going to have the pain of Finding
00:11:09
Me me this is heartbreaking and yeah
00:11:15
it was yeah we got to Christ Church
00:11:19
we went to the
00:11:21
supermarket um like got stuff I went and
00:11:26
bought as many pills as I
00:11:30
could
00:11:31
um and I just couldn't like the only
00:11:36
pain I ever felt it was that's the only
00:11:39
thing I felt was like my head was sore
00:11:43
my head was screaming like my body was
00:11:46
tired I was
00:11:48
like I was treating
00:11:50
water
00:11:52
and yeah I then went out that night in
00:11:58
Lincoln
00:12:00
and I just I went for a walk and went to
00:12:03
out of the room and I had all these
00:12:04
pills in my pocket and whatnot and I
00:12:08
wrote a note actually in my room for Mom
00:12:11
Dad and Jess and I just remember walking
00:12:16
and I there's a security guard on
00:12:20
campus and I was so like this is what
00:12:22
I'm doing in my own head and the
00:12:25
security guard on campus came and spoke
00:12:27
to me and and he was like hey are you
00:12:31
okay and it's like it brought me back to
00:12:33
reality cuz I was not in like I was not
00:12:38
in
00:12:40
my I was in this world that only I was
00:12:43
thinking about and and like my pain and
00:12:47
he
00:12:48
just random guy said are you okay
00:12:50
amazing but he's got no idea of the
00:12:52
impact of the head yeah and I what did
00:12:54
you just say yeah sweet I said yeah I'm
00:12:55
good thanks just going for a walk but it
00:12:59
just it just brought me back to life in
00:13:01
a way um can you remember that the uh
00:13:05
the note you wrote did did you keep it
00:13:07
or I have it I can read it actually I
00:13:10
yeah would you
00:13:13
[Music]
00:13:21
yeah