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[Music comes in.] Phoebe Judge: Hi, it's Phoebe. This is our last episode of 2016.
00:00:06
And we want to say thank you so much for listening
to Criminal and coming out to live events,
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and for all of your tweets and emails. We read every single one. To close out the year, we thought we'd bring
you two lighter stories.
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We hope you like them. We certainly had a lot of fun putting them
together. So here you go.
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[Music fades out.] So, what has your experience with customer
service been in the past?
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I mean, are you just like everyone who hates
when they have to deal with this stuff?
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Dave Holmes: Oh, sure. Yeah, absolutely. I immediately go to the place of like, "I've
done something wrong."
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My credit card company calls me, even if it's
good news, and I feel like I'm going to the
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principal's office. I just never want to get a call from anybody
in a cubicle who I don't know.
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Phoebe Judge: This is Dave Holmes. You might know him from his work on MTV as
a VJ in the '90s.
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He's also a writer and a comedian. And earlier this year he found himself in
a tricky situation.
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Dave Holmes: I was behind the wheel of my
car. I had gone to one of those crazy hard CrossFit
classes, and I left and I was a little woozy
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in the head and not quite myself. It takes a minute for you to recover and to
become you again after those, like if you
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really go hard. Phoebe Judge: Dave had left his phone in the
car during the class, and when he looked at
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it, he saw that he had missed a call from
Delaware, and there was a voicemail. It was an automated call from the Internal
Revenue Service about a lawsuit that was being
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filed against him. [Music comes in.] Dave Holmes: And here's the thing, because
as I've told you, I have a history of being
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a tiny bit gullible, and to always think that
I'm being called to the carpet, I was like,
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"Oh, I'm in trouble." And I had been audited in the year 2000, which
was a huge, bureaucratic, paperwork, crazy
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nightmare. I ended up not knowing anything at all, which
was great. Phoebe Judge: But when he got this call, he
immediately thought, "Oh no, it's all over."
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He called back terrified. And Dave says the man who answered explained
that he was following up on a letter the IRS
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had sent in the mail, indicating that Dave
owed the government $4,500. Dave Holmes: So, I was like, "Oh, okay, well,
I didn't get it," and I'm sure my voice is
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like starting to get really throaty and panicky. And, I was like, "Well, I didn't get it, but
oh, okay, what do I do?"
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And they were like, "Well, you have to go
to the bank and withdraw the money and wire
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it to us today." Also they said, "We'll freeze your accounts. Also, we have a warrant out for your arrest.
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We've revoked your driver's license and the
police have your license plate number, and
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if they see you out driving, they'll pull
you over and take you to jail." [Music fades out.]
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And I said, "Wait a minute. It's been my understanding..." because I have
been audited, "It's my understanding that
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all of your communication with me needs to
take place through my tax preparer." And they're like, "Well, we called him."
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And I was like, "Well, it's a her." And I was like, "Did you? Because she didn't try to get a hold of me,
and I'm pretty sure she would."
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And they were like, "We're going to put you
on hold." And I said, "Okay." Phoebe Judge: And then, they just hung up.
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And that's when Dave Holmes got an idea. [Music comes in.] I'm Phoebe Judge. This is Criminal.
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Dave Holmes: So, I called back crying. I got on the phone with whoever it was who
answered, who introduced himself as Eric Johnson,
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Officer Eric Johnson. So I was like, "All right, this is terrific." And I said, "Tell me, what can I do?
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I need to make it right. I can't go to prison. I can't go to prison. I have a family."
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And he said, "Okay, I need you to calm down. What you're going to do is you're going to
go to a bank, and you're going to withdraw
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$4,500." The actual amount was like $4,352 or whatever,
but he was just like, "Take out $4,500."
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And I was like, "We should round up, right?" And he's like, "Yeah, yes, we should round
up."
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Phoebe Judge: Dave has taken some improv classes. He knows how to commit himself to a scene.
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And he'd already gone this far. Why not give it his all and see what happens? He pulled over so he could concentrate.
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[Music fades out.] Dave Holmes: So, I open and close the door
and made little footstep noises.
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And I did a whole thing between me and the
teller. I was just like, "I'd like to withdraw $4,500."
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"Yes, sir...." Just dim in the background, like, Miss Othmar
from Peanuts. You know what I mean?
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Not an actual trombone, just a muffled voice. And then I pretended to get back into the
car.
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Oh, and then I had to go to a Bank of America
to deposit it into an account, and they gave
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me the routing number and the account number. Phoebe Judge: Dave pretended to drive to Bank
of America, and when he told Officer Eric
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Johnson that he had arrived at the bank, he
was put on hold. Dave Holmes: I can only imagine that he was
just like, "We got one!"
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Phoebe Judge: Dave said he wanted to talk
to a bank teller, just to make sure there
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were no issues, and Officer Johnson flipped
out. Dave Holmes: "No, you can't do that.
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This is a federal case, so it's illegal for
you to talk about it with the bank teller."
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And I was like, "Oh, that makes perfect sense. That makes perfect... Thank you so much for telling me that."
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Phoebe Judge: Dave said he was about to go
in and make the deposit. He was just there in his car, making more
little sound effects to make it seem real.
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And then he came back on the line. Dave Holmes: And I was like, "I did it. I did it.
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I deposited the money." And I could just tell they were like, "This
is the greatest day of our lives.
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We have $4,500 from an idiot." And then another person got on, and he was
like, "Okay, you made the deposit?"
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And I said, "Yes. Yes, I did." And I think it was actually me. I said, "Let me read you what's on the receipt
that they gave me."
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And he was like, "You don't actually have
to do that." And I was like, "No, I really should."
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And he said, "Okay." And — can I swear? Phoebe Judge: Yeah. Dave Holmes: Okay, cool.
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I was like, "I'm going to read every word. This says, 'You are the worst fucking grifters
who have ever lived on the face of the earth.
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This is the dumbest most transparent scam
in the world. And someday, somebody is going to come at
you with something like this, and you're going
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to fall for it because you're fucking stupid. You're not good at scamming and you should
stop.
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And if one person falls for this, I hope a
piano fucking falls on your head. Go fuck yourself.
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Go fuck yourself.’ " And, Officer Doug or whatever said, "I am
very sorry," and hung up the phone.
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Phoebe Judge: Oh, really? [Music comes in.] Dave Holmes: That was it. Hung up the phone.
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He actually apologized and he hung up the
phone. Phoebe Judge: But that isn't all Dave did.
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He was so furious, and also feeling somewhat
victorious at this point, that when he got
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home, he started tweeting — the whole story,
140 characters at a time. [Music ends.]
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Dave Holmes: And as I did, I started to notice
that people... because it was all just coming
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out of me very quickly. It was in a series of 50 or so tweets, I told
the whole thing.
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And then I started to notice that my mentions
were sort of blowing up and people were telling
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other people about it. I told the whole story, and I ended it with,
"Here's the number.
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Be sure to talk to Officer Eric and Officer
Kristen and Officer Doug, or whoever.
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Let them know how you feel." Phoebe Judge: And people called the number. Some even got through.
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And then the next day, the number was disconnected. Dave's last tweet was, "I'm off to the bank
to report this account and routing number.
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Be good to each other, my friends." [Music comes in.] This October, police raided call centers on
the outskirts of Mumbai and took more than
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700 people into custody for their suspected
involvement in an IRS scam that involved calling
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Americans and telling them that if they did
not pay back taxes in the range from $500
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to $60,000, the IRS would raid their home
within the hour. The scam was estimated to bring in $150,000
a day, and according to the Treasury Inspector
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General, nearly 7,000 victims have collectively
lost more than $36 million to IRS scams since
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October 2013. [Music fades out.] We encountered this next story when we went
to Louisiana to report the story about Tony,
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the tiger at the truck stop. We spent a few days in and around Baton Rouge
collecting interviews for a few different
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stories. And one of the people we met is a retired
attorney who agreed to speak with us if we
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agreed not to use her real name. Caroline: One day the judge called and asked
me to come and stand with this person who
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had been raping women from Texas to Florida,
and everybody was aware of it. It was in the news and so forth.
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Phoebe Judge: Caroline is 80 years old and
lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where she
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practiced law for many years. She didn't practice criminal law, but in small
towns she says judges could ask lawyers to
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step in and do whatever was needed. So the judge asked Caroline if she'd just
stand with the defendant while he pled guilty.
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Caroline: I said, "Judge, I'm wearing slacks." The judge didn't allow women in slacks in
his courtroom.
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And he said, "Well, it's okay. It's not an open court." So I went over there and I talked with this
person for about an hour.
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His name was Jon. [Music comes in.] Phoebe Judge: Jon Simonis pled guilty and
was sentenced to multiple life sentences at
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Louisiana State Penitentiary for rape, burglary,
and auto theft. Decades passed.
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Caroline retired from the practice of law
and did some occasional work with a mental
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health facility in Jackson, Louisiana, and
sometimes went out to Louisiana State Penitentiary,
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also known as Angola. And on one summer day when she was in her
early 70s, she was making that trip to Angola
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and remembered Jon Simonis. Caroline: It was a bloody hot day, it was
in the summer.
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It was July, August. I had a little Mazda hatchback with poor air
conditioning. I was thinking on the way out there that you
know, I should visit this person Jon, whom
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I had stood with when he entered guilty plea
in this little town. Phoebe Judge: Why would you want to visit
this guy again?
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Caroline: Because I felt sorry for him. No one visited him. Phoebe Judge: But when she got to the prison,
she was told that she could not see Jon Simonis
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or any of the inmates because there was a
problem with what she was wearing. Caroline: They told me I could not go into
the facility wearing this denim jacket that
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I had on, and I said, "Well, why not?" And they said, "We don't let any visitors
wear denim in the facility, because they may
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be mistaken for inmates." [Music fades out.] Phoebe Judge: What did the denim jacket look
like that you were wearing?
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Can you describe it? Caroline: I can show it to you, but that's
not going to help this.
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Sissy Spacek wore that denim jacket in Coal
Miner's Daughter. It's a J. Jill. And it has the buttons that are covered, and
it's kind of loose, long sleeves.
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But anyway, that was the rule, and they told
me I'd have to take it off. And I said, "Well, I don't want to take it
off, because I just have a T-shirt on under
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here, and I'm not wearing a bra." They said, "Oh, well, you'll have to get a
bra."
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So I had traveled out there, it was an hour
and a half in the heat, and they said, "You
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can go back to Baton Rouge and get a bra,"
and I said, "Well, I'm not going to do that.
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It's too hot, and I've already spent an hour
and a half doing this." [Music comes in.]
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So, they said, "Well, you can't go in unless
you get a brassiere on. Because you're not going to go in in a T-shirt
without a brassiere."
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Phoebe Judge: Caroline continued to argue
with the guards, asking them to explain what
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exactly the problem was, and they said, they
didn't make the rules. No one was allowed to go in wearing a denim
jacket, and women could not go in without
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a bra. Caroline: And they weren't going to make any
exceptions to the rule when it was perfectly
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obvious that there was little chance of my
arousing the inmates at age 72. Phoebe Judge: Do you often not wear a bra?
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Caroline: No comment. Phoebe Judge: Why didn't you just, at that
point, say, "I'm going to just try another
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day"? Caroline: Because it was hot. It's an hour and a half. It's not pleasant going out there.
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It takes an hour and a half to get there,
and then you wait and you wait and you wait.
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It's not a trip that I enjoy any time of year,
but especially not in July or August.
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Phoebe Judge: Caroline's resourceful. She thought to herself, "Where can I find
the nearest woman?"
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Which wasn't going to be that easy. Angola is in the middle of nowhere, Louisiana.
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But about a mile from the prison, there is
a tiny post office, and she thought, "What
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the hell? Maybe I can borrow a bra." [Music fades out.] Caroline: When I drove away, I thought, "Aha!
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That little post office is there. I'm just going to go in and ask the post lady
if she would consider that."
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And I knew it was pretty outrageous, but I
wanted to visit him. I feel sorry for people there.
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I really do. I know they've committed all kinds of crimes,
but they lead such a solitary existence.
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I wanted to be sure that trip was worth what
I wanted. Phoebe Judge: So, Caroline walks into the
tiny post office and lo and behold, the postal
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worker was in fact a woman. But she wasn't alone. Caroline: There was a man in there getting
something, and she leaned toward me and she
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said, "Can I help you?" And I said, "Yes, but I'll wait." So I waited until this person left and I told
her my predicament.
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I said, "I want to visit this person. I've come all the way in the heat, and I was
wondering if you would rent me your bra for
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just about an hour." And she looked at me very strangely. I think she was a little bit scared of me,
because it was an unusual request.
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I had explained everything, and we talked
a little while, and she finally relaxed and
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she said, "Okay," but she says, "I have to
go back and take it off," which she did.
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Came back, the bra was much too big for me,
but it was a bra. Phoebe Judge: When you went back to the guard
desk, when you went back to Angola with this
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borrowed bra, did you look a little ridiculous
in it because it was bigger? Caroline: Yes.
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Phoebe Judge: You did? Caroline: Yes, but they didn't question whether
I was wearing a bra.
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I guess they figured that out. Phoebe Judge: Caroline went in and met with
Jon Simonis for about an hour and a half.
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And the woman at the post office was left
there, waiting on customers with no bra because
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she'd just handed it over to a 72-year-old
stranger. Caroline: And when I came back, she was still
there.
00:15:55
The post office was still open, thank goodness. I offered to pay her and she says, "Oh, no.
00:16:02
You're not going to pay me for that." And I said, "Well, I'm going to give you just
five, so you can get a six-pack of cold beer
00:16:08
for your boyfriend." [Dogs bark in the background.] She was reluctant to take it, but she did.
00:16:13
I just left it on the counter and thanked
her profusely. [Music comes in.] Phoebe Judge: I don't think I would have cooperated.
00:16:22
I'm trying to think if I would be a generous
heart. Maybe I would say, "You know what?
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Just keep it. I don't need you to come back." Caroline: Keep what? Phoebe Judge: Keep the bra.
00:16:34
If I had gone to all that trouble... Caroline: If you'd lent it to me, you would
have said...
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well, she didn't. Not everybody thinks like you. [Music ends.] Phoebe Judge: Criminal is produced by Lauren
Spohrer, Nadia Wilson, and me.
00:17:00
Audio mix by Rob Byers. [Music comes in.] Our intern is Alice Wilder. Special thanks to Russ Henry.
00:17:06
Julienne Alexander makes original illustrations
for each episode of Criminal. You can see them at thisiscriminal.com, where
you can see our brand new T-shirt designs,
00:17:15
and we even have tote bags. If you'd like one of these things for a last-minute
Christmas present, order now and we'll get
00:17:21
it in the mail to you right away. Criminal is recorded in the studios of North
Carolina Public Radio, WUNC.
00:17:28
We're a proud member of Radiotopia from PRX,
a collection of the best podcasts around.
00:17:35
Shows like The West Wing Weekly, a podcast
about the much-loved Aaron Sorkin TV show,
00:17:40
The West Wing. It's co-hosted by Joshua Malina and Song Exploder's
Hrishikesh Hirway.
00:17:46
The West Wing Weekly goes behind the scenes
of each West Wing episode with special guests
00:17:50
and actors. It's great. And there's another new Radiotopia show, The
Bugle with Andy Zaltzman, a brilliant and
00:17:58
funny satirical show about the week's news,
hosted by Andy, with co-hosts like Wyatt Cenac
00:18:04
and Helen Zaltzman. Go listen. Radiotopia from PRX is supported by the Knight
Foundation and Mailchimp, celebrating creativity,
00:18:14
chaos, and teamwork. And thanks to Adzerk for providing their ad-serving
platform to Radiotopia.
00:18:23
Thanks very much for listening this year,
and until next year, I'm Phoebe Judge.
00:18:28
This is Criminal. Jingle: Radiotopia. From PRX.