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nobody even knows there's over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can have
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there's that's a oneand done but then there's oh oh oh oh
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oh that's the queen of orgasms and to achieve that there are very specific
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techniques that work and it's not what you see on porn Dr Susan Bratton is a world-renowned sex specialist and
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best-selling author of over 30 books and programs and for over two decades her expertise has empowered Millions to
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master pleasuring techniques bedroom communication and unlock their true sexual potential why did you focus on
00:00:44
sex as a career well I was 12 years into our marriage we had a beautiful daughter gorgeous home but I never had an orgasm
00:00:51
from intercourse and we thought there was something wrong with me but this is not unique so many of us have had
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problems with sex and once we got some skills it just lit our sex life on fire
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so here are 48 of my best sex techniques number one number two you have to number
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three it's something that I love to teach men and then there's these toys that I want to show you what is that
00:01:17
this is a device that no one's ever seen before wow doesn't that feel so good
00:01:23
Susan this is the first time we've ever done this we reached out to some of our audience to send us their questions okay
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let's unpack this let's start with this has always blown my mind a little bit 53% of you that listen to the
00:01:36
show regularly haven't yet subscribed to the show so could I ask you for a favor before we start if you like the show and
00:01:42
you like what we do here and you want to support us the free simple way that you can do just that is by hitting the Subscribe button and my commitment to
00:01:48
you is if you do that then I'll do everything in my power me and my team to make sure that this show is better for you every single week we'll listen to
00:01:55
your feedback we'll find the guest that you want me to speak to and we'll continue to do what we do thank you so
00:02:03
much Susan what do you do and why do you do
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it well I teach passionate love making techniques by publishing books and
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programs and audios and uh I do it because my passion is Passion uh I like
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to say that uh my brand of sexual education is heart-c
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connected conscious passionate loving making which is very different than
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transactional sex or sex that looks like pornography if if someone comes to you and they say I'm struggling with my sex
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life in some way or I'm not at my sexual potential what can you do for me how would you answer that question well I'd
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say sex is such a vast landscape and people enter into it from so many
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different directions that often when someone is saying that their sex life
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isn't as good as they want it to be I have to ask them what's it like what do
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they want what's the vision that they're holding for themselves and
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often I recently had a young woman come to me and say um all my friends talk
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about sex being so great but I haven't experienced that and I wonder if I'm asexual because it's just not that good
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for me it just seems like it's so fast and hurried and and I I don't know I
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just I just don't I'm worried maybe something's wrong with me that's what that's what women think a lot is they
00:03:33
think there's something wrong with them but remember I I'm not a therapist so I
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don't sit in a room with a client and unearth all of the issues that they have
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what I do is I author passionate love making techniques I teach you how to have really good bedroom communication
00:03:54
how to know what you want and ask for it conf ID have your partner love for you
00:04:03
to ask them for what you want feel good about it not like they did anything
00:04:08
wrong and then know a whole bunch of pleasuring techniques how their bodies
00:04:14
work what what the possibilities are because if you're thinking about
00:04:20
sexuality because sex has been so censored nobody even knows what's
00:04:27
possible if I say to someone you know there's over 20 kinds of orgasms that you can have they'll be like what and
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especially men they don't even they think there's one maybe two uh where women are like there's 20 they are at
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least aware that there's more than one or two that they could have these different you know kinds of orgasms and
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so once you understand the communication piece and you understand the pleasure
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piece then you can understand what's possible and then you can begin to try things okay so you get an email in your
00:04:59
inbox and it's from a woman yeah if you had to bet yeah what that question in
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that email was and all you know that is that it's from A lady called Suzanne
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what would your guess be my libido is gone and um I feel really guilty I feel
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really bad I'm not interested in sex or I there's something wrong with me I'm
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unhappy I'm un filled I don't feel like what I'm doing is right that's most
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common with women and if the email came in from a guy called David mhm what would you think is before you click the
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email what do you think he's asking you sexual biohacking erectile dysfunction
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penis enlargement male enhancement all of those kinds of things guys h a lot of
00:05:51
men ask me about I think there's something wrong with my penis uh so that would be the number one thing that would
00:05:56
be most likely to be in my inbox but the second thing would
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be something around either I H I have some shame around part of my
00:06:09
desire or I'm frustrated with my partner that I'm not having the kind of sex that
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I want what do I do to fix it so fixing fixing things people are writing for
00:06:20
fixing things whe whether it's men or women that's that's what they reach out with our our problems quality and
00:06:28
quantity or one more than the other I would say quality generally more so than qu quantity you can fix when you
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fix quality right quantity quality comes before quantity that's true yeah you
00:06:41
have a a really atypical journey to becoming a sex per it's not something that you You' studied when you were younger in college or something it's not
00:06:47
something that you were it's not sort of an off Branch to some psychology degree you were doing you became aert at what
00:06:54
age 42 is when I went on my sexual expansion journey and started my company
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shortly after that why sex why in your early 40s did you decide to focus on sex
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when previously your career had been about many other things did something happen yeah it did right I was married
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to Tim my husband sir Tim he's the prince among men I've been with him for 33 years now and we were 12 years into
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our marriage we were a very successful Silicon Valley company my husband invented rapid the first first the like
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the O the OG Spotify so we were both in high tech having IPOs doing incredibly
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well we had a beautiful daughter we had a gorgeous home overlooking the entire
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Silicon Valley it was just incredible but we had become platonic
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not for my husband's lack of trying to have sex with me but I just I I
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just I had sex with with him for a dozen years and I never had an orgasm from
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intercourse I could have an orgasm from a vibrator but I couldn't have one from intercourse and I'd had some sexual
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trauma as a child as well which honestly the majority of people have had sexual
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trauma whether it's simple repression or actual physical abuse of some kind so
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many of us have had trouble and not just women men too people across the Spectrum
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have had you know things happen happened to them
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and I avoided him for sex what did your sexual trauma teach you about
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sex well it taught me that I am who I've always been inside myself
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and that no one can take away who I am and my power and my sovereignty I've learned that one can
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move through and heal from trauma and that it takes both talk therapy
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and empathy from someone as well as somatic release physical body
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release and that often our greatest wound can become our greatest gift which
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is what that trauma did for me the trauma itself mhm what did that
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traumatic experience convince you that sex was or wasn't I always liked sex and
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I refused to let that trauma hurt my sex life but the the problem was that I ended up doing something called
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dissociating during intimacy and so if you kind of leave the
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scene emotionally and you're just there physically you really don't get that thing that heart connection you don't
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find your Humanity in your lover you can't really touch Source through your
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connection can you explain that to me dissociation cuz I think yeah I've heard people tell me privately that that's the
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issue that they had in their sex life for many many years with that they were basically disassociated from it what is that it's where you kind of you just
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check out you just you're go you go through the motions physically but you're not emotionally there it's
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protection against being heard again so once I learned that that's what
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I was doing my husband would help me Tim would help me come back to him come back to him come back to him and then we
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start started going to sex workshops we went beyond therapy and we started going to sex workshops and we learned how to have sex
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and by sex I don't necessarily just mean intercourse we we learned all kinds of things we went to Tantra workshops we
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went to sex love and intimacy from the human awareness Institute we did ecstatic loving we did orgasmic
00:10:49
meditation we did all kinds of things and it just lit our sex life on fire once we
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got some skills we were the blind leading the blind everybody's the blind leading the blind everybody we don't see
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any good examples of heart-c connected passionate lovemaking we don't see them in film in the movies we don't see them
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in pornography all of that is male patriarchal religiously
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repressed styles of sex rather than
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female focused heart connect did Blissful
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slow pleasurable sex highly orgasmic sex
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so I think what what happened for us was we had such good sex so easily once
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someone told us what to do that we said oh well he's already you know sending
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MP3s all over the Internet and I'm already sending video all over the Internet with cable modems why don't we
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bring all these courses online because very few people are going to go to a sex
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Workshop number one it costs money number two you have to be able to do it number three it's scary it's really
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scary to take off all your clothes and go to a sex workshop and do Hands-On techniques in a room full of sweaty
00:12:13
people you know there's a lot to it right and so we said why don't we put this on the internet because that's what
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we're good at let's put programs on the internet that people can access from
00:12:24
anywhere in the world and learn how to make love together learn organ techniques and communication skills and
00:12:31
pleasuring how the Body Works in ways that will take them to places they never even imagined were possible zooming on
00:12:38
on that moment where you and Tim are struggling in the bedroom yeah how long had it been since you you had had sex or
00:12:44
how often were you having sex at that point well it petered out over time so when we first met we had great new relationship energy we we were having
00:12:51
sex but it was it was the kind of sex that I would call these days grab a boob
00:12:57
and stick it in very intercourse
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focused I know exactly
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like and you know I love
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intercourse I teach intercourse skills because what you see modeled is
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really oh man it's like kindergarten what you see out in the market out in
00:13:28
the world and so how do you have this massively exquisitely orgasmic mutually
00:13:35
pleasurable intercourse you just need to learn a couple things that's the great thing about sex it's like have you ever heard
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that phrase a little hinge that swings a big door it's like it's like an example of
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Leverage right one little hinge and a giant door how's that little hinge swing that giant door that's what sex actually
00:13:56
is if somebody tells you what to do because I mean my operating system and your operating system are like everybody's operating systems right it
00:14:03
the human body works the way the human body does and so women who are walking around going I'm broken I can't have an
00:14:09
orgasm from intercourse and and her husband's like well I guess you can't but we're still going to have intercourse anyway I say to them yes you can you
00:14:17
just need to learn how you just need to cross the gasm chasm close that orgasm Gap and so if I can get more people to
00:14:26
understand that if something isn't good that they just haven't had it good yet
00:14:34
that's I think one of the biggest messages I can give to your audience is
00:14:39
just keep learning keep learning new skills but don't miss all the other
00:14:45
things I'll give you an example of something in sex that really chaps my lips and that is this idea that there's
00:14:53
foreplay and sex that comes right out of religious repression because sex is for
00:14:59
procreation only so the only thing matters is sex and sex is intercourse heck no sex is everything sex is a hot
00:15:06
make out sex is rubbing our bodies together sex is words of appreciation
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adoration encouragement it's langor as kissing it's stroking each other it's
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oral pleasuring it's interourse it's playing with toys it's sex in new
00:15:26
locations it's you know film ing yourselves and watching it while you're holding each other later and going oh
00:15:33
you know what the best moment for me was no tell me the best moment for me was XYZ and you're like are you K that was
00:15:40
your best moment yeah what was your best moment my best m i mean those are the things that make sex great that make you
00:15:46
want to have it again in that moment when you and Tim hadn't been having sex so you sex had
00:15:53
completely dried up I really avoided him as much as I possibly could I was giving him what I now call Mercy sex
00:16:00
what is that Mercy sex well it's like well he's going to be a miserable man if I don't throw him a bone once in a while
00:16:09
how often was once in a while oh God like couple times a month at the
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worst Yeah couple times a month at the worst once every other week or yeah like
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every week or 10 days I'd be like all right I got to do it again and how did you feel at the time guilty and he was
00:16:26
like I wonder if I married a lesbian like he I couldn't believe I didn't want to have sex but at the start of the
00:16:32
relationship you did or you were just kind of the problem is the new relationship energy wears often when you have absolutely no skill neither of you
00:16:39
know what you're doing and it's not good for her how long is she going to want to keep doing it you know what's funny I
00:16:45
have one of the programs that I wrote really early on is a program called revive her drive and it's a sneaky
00:16:51
little name because guys will buy it and I say to them this program won't help you if sex
00:16:58
has never been good you need a therapist but if sex used to be good and now it's
00:17:04
not you can fix it and so they buy it thinking they're going to revive her drive they're going to fix her and when
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and then they're like oh you sneaky little devil you fixed me it was me I just was
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treating I was like trying to have sex with my wife like she's a dude and now I
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understand what what what her body wants and now I know what she needs for me and
00:17:29
and she loves sex now so that is very very common but you had to fix your
00:17:35
trauma as well in your situation I did and how did you go about fixing that I I did a number of things um the first
00:17:42
thing that I did was I worked with a sexual trauma therapist and I also worked with someone
00:17:49
who does more of a little bit of a different method called the circling method and I
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uh also worked with some sematic therapists over the years it was pretty
00:18:02
quick for me I'm very lucky and and I don't want to I don't
00:18:07
want to say that it's as easy for other people as it is for me I'm a I'm a fast
00:18:14
changer I have a lot of behavioral flexibility and I'm very comfortable in
00:18:20
discomfort I'm very comfortable Crossing aasm very comfortable in
00:18:25
uncertainty I think because I grew up in Silicon Valley my career in in in my 20s
00:18:31
and 30s was Silicon Valley and it's always changing it's always like you know oh we're doing this now you know
00:18:36
it's always a so and also a lot of
00:18:41
people have trouble because of their genetic Snips because they have
00:18:48
serotonin Pathways where when they've experienced trauma every time they think
00:18:54
about it it feels like a raw wound they can't get over it because
00:19:00
every time they think about it it's like it's a fresh cut not that's not me so I
00:19:05
was able to move through things and mostly what helped me was being able to
00:19:11
say I remember one of the one of the things I had to do was I had to write down every single sexual trauma
00:19:20
Injustice frustration wound hurt pain that I'd ever
00:19:26
experienced and I thought oh this is really going to make me sick and my therapist said it won't it
00:19:34
won't don't worry just get it out I want you to come back on our next appointment
00:19:40
and I want you to tell me every single thing I want to witness it I want to know what you've
00:19:46
been through I want you to remember it all and we're going to put it behind you and that was very very helpful for me
00:19:53
finally someone heard everything that I had gone through and all the things that had been done to me and all the
00:20:00
injustices that had happened to me and it really helped me move through it but
00:20:05
not that's not the right therapy for any everyone people need different types of therapy and remember I'm not a therapist
00:20:13
so what I do is I deal in the how do you have hot sex not in the let me fix your
00:20:20
problem I had to fix my problems to learn about it but once I did I was like
00:20:25
tell I want to know all about how to have the best sex that keeps getting better what does that take and that's
00:20:32
been my Decades of study how did you know you had a problem and how did you know you had something that needed to be
00:20:38
healed and and it wasn't just you know Tim's a little bit I'm just not attracted to Tim anymore or maybe I just
00:20:44
don't like sex how did you know how did you have the awareness to even go to a
00:20:53
therapist because we thought there was something wrong with me
00:21:01
and so we went to a therapist and she said okay well tell me what what your sex is like and I started telling her
00:21:06
and she said okay let's unwind this let's unpack this let's heal all of this and how did you get to the point that
00:21:13
you knew that the trauma was at the heart of many of these challenges all she had to do was ask me what my sex
00:21:18
life had been like and what I'd gone through and I told her all the injustices and the horrible things that had happened to me which are not unique
00:21:26
I the thing about me is that I'm pretty much just like everybody else I'm not special in any way the only thing that's
00:21:34
special about me is that I have the courage to talk about things that a lot of people don't they feel embarrassed that's just my I don't know when you say
00:21:41
sexual Injustice and Trauma give me a give give me a menu of things that someone at home who's trying
00:21:48
to understand if those things might have had an impact on their sex drive sure it can be anything from
00:21:56
um never knowing how your parts work or what the names of them are or
00:22:01
understanding how your body works it could be uh that you that sex is bad or
00:22:09
uh shaming it could be uh and this is something that many people struggle with
00:22:15
and that is my parents never told me about sex and they never showed that they were
00:22:22
sexual I feel like I came from a very stoic uh repressed best family and it's
00:22:30
impacted my sex life and one of the things that I often have to say to
00:22:35
people is your mom and your dad did the best they could do they didn't know
00:22:40
anything they were probably kids themselves and they loved you they just
00:22:45
weren't equipped to help you with this not only that but it's not really their job your sexuality and your sex life is
00:22:53
your job and when you take it on as something that's a part of what you have to learn like the things you do for your
00:23:00
career or the things that you do to support your family and when you put it in that bucket and you let go of the
00:23:08
victim mindset and the victim mentality and you say okay what do I need to do
00:23:13
what is right what is possible then you get into the fun Parts you can move move through the trauma so it could be abuse
00:23:21
it could be repression it could be shame it could be lack of knowledge which lack of knowledge creates fear
00:23:29
fear is the enemy of pleasure so once you start teaching people about their
00:23:36
bodies about pleasure but we know that there's nature and there's nurture around sexuality too the nature is how
00:23:44
my parts work versus Your Parts work and I'd really like to talk to you about that because I think that's one of those
00:23:49
little hinges that swings big doors once you start to understand the difference between male and female arousal you can
00:23:56
begin to have much better sex to together because when you don't understand you're doing you know you
00:24:03
know the Golden Rule Do un others as you'd have them do unto you that's what most people do in sex they treat their
00:24:08
partner the way they want to be treated instead of treating their partner the way their partner needs to be treated
00:24:13
that's the Platinum role so I've just got two more questions on this point before we move on to some of these real specific things we've been talking about
00:24:20
I read that Tim cheated on you at the time he was having an affair I don't even like that word really no because I
00:24:28
I actually I remember when I found out that Tim was having a relationship with
00:24:33
a woman who was also in a sexless marriage and we were in what was basically a sexless marriage at the time
00:24:40
how did you find out he told me he came clean and he told me and I remember the
00:24:48
shame and I felt like it was my fault that I'd not been a good wife when I
00:24:56
look back at it what I realized was that he was just trying to cope he loved me and he loved
00:25:05
our family and he he just wanted to feel pleasure and connection and he wasn't
00:25:12
getting that from me and for some reason it is just easier for women to give up
00:25:18
their sexuality than for men generally I want to say one thing about everything
00:25:23
I'm going to say on your show and that is that sex is a bell bell curve there
00:25:29
are people at one end of the spectrum and the other but I'm almost always just talking to the big bell curve in the
00:25:35
middle the average dude and his lady that's that's where my sweet spot is
00:25:42
so when he when he was having that Affair all he was trying to do was stay
00:25:47
in the marriage and not be miserable and once I got right with that and I realized he didn't do anything to me and
00:25:53
I didn't even look at it I don't even look at it as cheating I literally look at it as that man was still trying to stay married to me he loved me and so it
00:26:01
was it was our mutual problem which was a lack of knowledge he didn't understand how my body worked I didn't understand
00:26:07
how my body worked once we learned that we learned technique and I was able to stay present and connected with him and
00:26:15
not leave my body in worry that something bad was going to happen when it started to be pleasurable instead of
00:26:22
me just servicing my husband did you separate when he told you that or did
00:26:27
you stay together well there was a moment where in the beginning when he told me that he was
00:26:34
seeing someone else I thought maybe it's best that we stop being together and I
00:26:40
remember that he had packed up his things and he was driving out of our house and I was standing at the doorway
00:26:48
of my big beautiful Silicon Valley mansion in the height of my career my
00:26:53
little daughter our little daughter was standing there 6 years old and she had this little blankie that she loved you
00:26:59
know how kidss love their blankies and she had it had this little soft satin border on it and she would rub it on her
00:27:05
lip to kind of soothe herself and she was holding my hand and she was rubbing that blanket on her lip and daddy drove
00:27:12
around to the side to the front of the house and he stopped and he was looking out the window and he was waving goodbye
00:27:19
and she said but this gets me every time I do every time I even think about this
00:27:24
moment in my life she's like but will you still be my
00:27:31
daddy and I was like oh what am I doing I love this guy how did we get
00:27:40
here I can't ruin her I can't I could never do better than search him I could
00:27:45
never do better than him he is an amazing human being my God Stephen he's
00:27:51
been The Wind Beneath My Wings my for more than half my life I've known him
00:27:57
for longer than I have haven't now he's the solid you know person I sit on top
00:28:05
of that get allows me to be out here in the world giving people hope and instructions on how to have what I have
00:28:13
which is amazing and so when I when she said that I
00:28:19
said turn around come back we got to fix it and I had seen all of our friends
00:28:24
were getting divorced and it wasn't money cuz we were all making money it was silicon Val Valley in the do era and
00:28:32
uh so he came back we said what are we going to do about it and we started
00:28:37
therapy and then we started going to sex workshops and within I mean months it
00:28:42
sorted itself out and we started having great sex did your sex life
00:28:48
change in terms of the Dynamics of it you in a monogamous relationship we were
00:28:54
in a monogamous relationship for many years but but we opened our relationship
00:29:00
when we got really good in bed together we were like hey this is so much fun let's have some sex with some other
00:29:06
people and so we did and it was not without its
00:29:11
challenges it's never without its challenges when you you know when you go beyond the scope of monogamy but um I
00:29:20
don't regret any of it even the bad parts and what is that called because there's all these names for different relationship Dynamics do you have a name
00:29:26
for it well the if you think about it as a tree yeah there's it's non- monogamy
00:29:32
is the tree it could be called ethical non- monogamy or consensual non-monogamy there's there's polyamory there's open
00:29:39
relationships there's Lifestyles and swingers and the pineapple people there's you know all kinds of things and
00:29:45
then there's my latest favorite flavor which is kind of a new flavor and that is because i' I've been in an open
00:29:51
relationship with my husband for over two decades now so for 20 years 20 out of 33 years we've been open longer than
00:29:57
we've been closed and we were shepherded by people who are uh now in their 70s
00:30:05
and ' 80s who are still in their open relationships and they taught us a lot about what to do to keep ourselves safe
00:30:11
both physically and emotionally which is something interesting and the one that I'm
00:30:18
enjoying right now is relationship Anarchy that's what you call it that's what people call some some people call
00:30:25
it that and I and that's one of the FL that's one of the branches on the tree of non- monogamy and the thing that I want to
00:30:32
say about non- monogamy whatever flavor you like is that two things number one
00:30:38
I'm not here to tell anyone that what I do is better than what they do I am not
00:30:44
a polyamorous proponent or any of those things it's just what I do but Steve I
00:30:51
mean I'm a sexer I'm I stand up here telling you
00:30:56
that I can teach you how to be better in bed than you are if I only had one
00:31:01
partner how much could I know every single partner I've ever had I've had
00:31:08
them safely using safe sex techniques which I'd love to explain to you and
00:31:14
I've had so many incredible experiences who initiates that
00:31:20
conversation in your relationship because I think this is the first challenge in most relationships is
00:31:26
figuring out like how do you go about having that conversation with someone without them butting your head off potentially well here's an interesting
00:31:32
thing one of the things that really helped us save our marriage at the time that we went to the therapists and we
00:31:39
went to the sex workshops we did another thing we did uh one of our friends um W
00:31:48
uh was a coach for Brad Blandon and he wrote a book called radical
00:31:53
honesty and we said Tim and I said look we just have to be totally honest with each other we've been pussyfooting sugar
00:32:00
coating withholding you know for 12 years now 14 years we've got to be
00:32:07
honest if we're going to save our marriage and so we started the practice of telling the truth because my god when
00:32:14
you start actually trying to tell the truth you realize how societally imem
00:32:21
embedded not telling the truth is what was the most painful truth he told you
00:32:31
maybe just the one that he that he was with someone else might have been the
00:32:37
worst one and I felt so much Shame about that like I'd done something wrong but nothing it turns out the truth is Juicy
00:32:45
exciting interesting offensive no no no
00:32:50
because if it's said with love if think if honest honesty doesn't have to be mean honesty is just Your Truth your
00:32:59
boundaries your desires your your foibles your you know what's the most offensive TR like someone someone turns
00:33:06
to my partner turns to me and goes listen you you are out of shape and I'm just not feeling it yeah well why
00:33:13
wouldn't your partner turned to you and say first of all you're not you're absolutely gorgeous but if in fact you
00:33:19
feel like your partner is is not taking care of themselves um it would be
00:33:24
more kind to say I'm worried about about your health I don't think you're taking care
00:33:30
of yourself well enough and I love you and I want you to do a better job how can I support you you know what you can
00:33:38
love me more fully if you know exactly who I am and where my boundaries and
00:33:43
edges are and and you get to honor and respect those then you know you're
00:33:48
loving me exactly the way I want you to love me or I can decide I don't love you I guess yeah you could decide you don't
00:33:54
love me yeah that's okay hey I'm not for everyone and I'm okay with that
00:34:01
too so how did you come to be polyamorous polyamorous right um well we
00:34:08
started to have experiences with people was it your idea or his idea it was our
00:34:15
mutual idea because we had gone to workshops where we had experienced light
00:34:21
with groups of people like I remember one time I was at a workshop and there were four of us paired together and Tim
00:34:28
was in a different group and we were doing like sensation play where one person would lie down and receive
00:34:35
sensation and the other three people would give it to them and at the same time that they were giving them
00:34:40
sensation like oh rubbing your feet playing with your boobs you know whatever kissing or stroking your hair
00:34:47
or whatever and then they would also give you an angel shower they would tell
00:34:52
all at the same time they would tell you things they loved about you things that
00:34:57
they thought were really attractive about you or things that they'd noticed about you and when you get an angel
00:35:03
shower from a group of people you you can't negate it it goes in because
00:35:09
there's so much kindness coming at you that you're defenseless against it and
00:35:16
so you kind of take it in instead of going oh no no that's not true that's not true that's what people are taught to do it's like one of my favorite games
00:35:23
that I like to teach people is a game called three things I love about you
00:35:28
and Tim and I have been playing it for decades now and whenever I want I say to
00:35:34
him can you tell me three things that you love about me and I particularly like it when we start our love making
00:35:39
dates because I notice that I I really need that reassurance that I'm loved and
00:35:46
appreciated and so I'll want him to tell me three things that he loves about me and we have this little the little part
00:35:51
of our game is never say the same thing twice so for decades we've been telling
00:35:57
each other what we love about each other and not repeating things and when you
00:36:03
really start to get good at offering up love and noticing what you love about
00:36:10
someone um you just you're in love more you're just in love with people more
00:36:16
you're in love instead of in judgment we reached out to some of our audience ahead of this conversation and
00:36:22
we asked them to send us their questions okay and then my team sat down with some
00:36:29
of these individuals we masked them through using some actors um and got them to say we got them to talk about
00:36:37
some of the problems they have in their lives this is the first time we've ever done this so I wanted to play to you some of the challenges that they have
00:36:44
especially I'm going to play one that kind of overlaps with the experience you went through with Tim yeah my name is
00:36:50
Eliza I um I'm in my 40s I'm a mother of two
00:36:56
lovely little girls and that big question I have is
00:37:02
how can I find that intimacy
00:37:08
again with someone that has just
00:37:13
been so disconnected so is she saying that her
00:37:18
partner is disconnected and she wants to find her way back to intimacy with her partner I'm going to play you a few more
00:37:24
from Eliza because I think this will help sort of uh Phil theix will puzzle a little bit um
00:37:30
there's another one here work um doctor's
00:37:39
appointments and yeah we get very little time together the two of us and I think it's really easy
00:37:46
to just pass like ships in the night and
00:37:53
it'd be nice to have a conversation that wasn't about what's for dinner
00:38:00
or you know what the kids have going on the next
00:38:06
day I really miss having real conversations I don't
00:38:12
remember the last time we had one is that a familiar situation yeah
00:38:19
especially during the time of children raising um you think about your
00:38:25
sexuality and eras generally your your 20s you don't know
00:38:31
nothing from nothing and it's all new and exciting and you know you're just finding out what it's like and
00:38:38
experimenting in your 30s you're if you're going to have your children that's typically when most people are
00:38:44
having them now and um you know all of a sudden you have no sleep you're
00:38:50
exhausted those kids are just like draining you and you can barely keep up
00:38:55
and your relationship heads South your sexual relationship heads South um by the time you're in
00:39:02
your 40s you're like wait a minute I've got to fight for my sex life now I mean like I can't let it go you
00:39:10
begin to realize that you've missed a lot and you want more in your 50s you
00:39:17
think to yourself oh I better get it now because I'm gonna get old and die and in your 60s you go oh I'm I'm still alive
00:39:24
and I did get some good sex and I it is good and I'm looking forward to my ' 70s and my 80s too you know
00:39:31
so if you keep your body in good shape I mean that's quite a pertinent point
00:39:37
because one of the things Eliza said yeah is this I think one thing that I
00:39:42
wasn't prepared for at all was how much my body was going to
00:39:50
change I mean everything changed like my
00:39:58
I it got to the point where I didn't recognize I don't recognize my
00:40:05
own body anymore I don't feel comfortable my body doesn't feel like
00:40:11
it's mine and
00:40:16
I've really fallen out of love with me and with my body estrogen is a
00:40:25
molecule a hormone of of protection because women are prey and men are predators in the general scheme
00:40:32
of things we have to be very very careful and so estrogen protects us in many many ways and one of the ways that
00:40:39
it does is it makes us judgmental makes us judgy and one of the ways that spills over is that we become judgy about
00:40:45
ourselves and we become very judgy about our bodies we have body image issues
00:40:50
that we fight against and she Eliza is probably
00:40:57
beautiful but she doesn't think she is she thinks that she doesn't look good anymore and then she thinks that makes
00:41:03
her less desirable her husband likely is working very hard and kind of has thrown himself
00:41:10
into work and he's probably an overwhelm as well trying to do all of this and he feels disconnected from her and so he's
00:41:16
probably feeling pretty lost and he doesn't know how to get back to her either he doesn't have the skills to do that
00:41:23
and one of the things that I often say to women especially is that sex is a
00:41:28
mindfulness practice you just have to keep bringing yourself back to
00:41:34
connection to your heart you have to bring yourself back to your husband
00:41:41
nobody cares what your body looks like it's a it's your it's your cell bag you
00:41:46
got 72 trillion cells there they are take good care of them you got only so much time enjoy your life when you're
00:41:54
stressed and you're producing cortisol and adrenal adaline and you're exhausted this is when you need to say I
00:42:01
really need to have some good orgasms I really need to be held by my husband on
00:42:07
these body image issues is it usually the person saying they're unhappy with their own body or is it the partner
00:42:14
saying they're unhappy with their partner's body it's almost always the woman saying she doesn't think she looks
00:42:19
good and I would say the large majority of the partners say she looks great to
00:42:25
me I picked her cuz I like the way she looked she still looks good to me is it ever the guy saying he doesn't like how he looks not that
00:42:32
often because testosterone has rosec colored lenses testosterone makes you
00:42:40
the warrior the single-minded focus you know how if a guy is doing something you
00:42:45
can't interrupt him with another thing because he's on the task and women are multitaskers their eyes their eyes and
00:42:51
ears are on everything that's the difference between testosterone and estrogen and so he thinks he looks
00:42:57
better than he does and she thinks she looks worse than she does if they now feel like two ships passing in the night
00:43:04
as Eliza said in that video yeah what is step one yeah Step One is often just
00:43:12
holding each other one of the techniques there I have these two techniques that come from one of my books one of my most
00:43:18
popular books is a book called um sexual soulmates because sexual soulmates are
00:43:24
not out there waiting for you you cocreate your connection with your
00:43:31
partner and even if you've lost that connection you can have many Renaissance in your relationship throughout the
00:43:37
years you can come back together and it can be better than ever again and there
00:43:44
are two techniques out of that book that I think are kind of like a foundation one of them is called the sexual soulmate pact and that pact is an
00:43:50
agreement between partners where I can say anything I want to you and you're going to be happy I told you and you're
00:43:57
not going to take it as criticism or you did anything wrong you're going to be hungry for me to tell you what I have an
00:44:05
appetite for what I want how I'm feeling am I a kitty cat do you need to hold me
00:44:11
in your arms do you need to pet me do you need to let me release and calm down
00:44:16
and get some things off my chest do you just need to provide that
00:44:22
holding or am I a lioness do I want you to ravish me do I want to be pounced on
00:44:29
do you I want you to carry me to the bedroom and throw me down on the bed and rip my clothes off and tell me how
00:44:36
gorgeous I am and eat me up we want those things in that range all the time
00:44:42
but what couples forget is to start with holding and being held because when we
00:44:48
do that we generate oxytocin and the oxytocin is kind of like the antidote to
00:44:54
all the cortisol we're pumping out constantly with the kids and the school and the stress and the job and the
00:45:01
politics and the you know every all this crazy stuff we need to be held and to
00:45:08
hold so step one then is have the conversation and step two is to just
00:45:14
hold essentially hold each other you don't even need to have a conversation you can just go crawl into your partner's arms and say and this is
00:45:21
something that I love to teach men I love to teach men how to run a woman a menu of small all offers so the problem
00:45:29
is that they're both feeling Eliza and her husband are likely both they're dissatisfied they feel disconnected
00:45:35
they're not speaking about it they're not speaking about it and she feels like we should be having
00:45:42
sex but we're not right it's the sh I should be having what is sex intercourse
00:45:48
well she's not turned on she hasn't had sex and God knows how long she's not ready to be
00:45:54
penetrated she needs to get warm Med up you know it's very very slow the female
00:46:00
arousal system and it takes 15 20 30 minutes
00:46:05
when it's been a long time between love making sessions to get out of your head
00:46:11
into your body calmed down because arousal it's not I'm going to push your
00:46:16
buttons and I'm going to spin your dials which is what guys try to do they're like I've got a goal I got to give her
00:46:22
an orgasm let's go I'm Full Speed Ahead where in reality it's oh I need to hold
00:46:27
her I need to grab her up in my big musly arms and I need to just let her calm down
00:46:34
and relax remember what she loved about you
00:46:40
and how much she loves you and how how good you smell and how good you feel and how safe she feels right in this moment
00:46:47
you use the word should should is such a what did I say corrosive when you were saying we should
00:46:53
be having right how often how much harm do you think should does as in when I
00:46:59
say should I really mean it's a social comparison it's like an external comparison I've watched this movie I
00:47:04
spoke to my friend they're doing it this often they're doing it like this so we should be doing it like them how much
00:47:10
harm do you think that does t I've seen it in all my relationships I've seen guilt guilt guilt yeah like the
00:47:16
comparison to other people who are just not you it can do so much harm and I I think in my current relationship we've
00:47:22
basically banned comparison so we' banned each other speaking about unmet needs through the lens of other people
00:47:29
or our past relationships and I think it really helps yeah you know I do too I
00:47:35
think that if Eliza stopped feeling guilty and said okay I just I'm just
00:47:42
going to start small and if her husband if she said to her husband I just want to start small again I just want to
00:47:48
Let's crawl and then walk and then run back to love making when we can let's
00:47:54
acknowledge that we're in the time of our relationship ship when the kids make it really hard let's acknowledge that we
00:48:01
want to have more intimacy together and let's start with small offers and then
00:48:07
if he starts saying to her how about Thursday night I bring
00:48:12
home some Chinese we get the kids in the bath we get them in bed we divide and conquer we put them down I'll go in take
00:48:19
a quick shower I'll set up the bedroom I'll set up the nest I'll light a candle I'll lay out some fresh towels I'll get
00:48:25
your favorite Lube I'll put on the sexy playlist that you like and all I want
00:48:31
you to do is relax there's no pressure to do anything I won't be mad if we
00:48:39
don't have intercourse what I'm going to do is I'm going to hold you I'm going to get my hands on you I'm going to rub
00:48:44
whatever hurts I'm going to tell you how much I love you I'm going to snuggle you I might kiss you if you want to kiss me
00:48:51
we'll see how it goes no pressure why why no pressure because if she has
00:48:57
pressure then she's going to feel stressed and if she feels stressed she
00:49:03
can't get into a rle as soon as you take the pressure off and let her just see
00:49:10
what happens then her body will go into arousal and connection and feel safe and
00:49:18
relaxed and she'll start to let down and get that turn on going I guess the
00:49:24
starting point then as you said is the communication part right because that you can't even get to that point if
00:49:30
you're in a situation I've been in that situation once in my sexual history where it was so awkward that like it
00:49:38
just gets the awkwardness just compounds where you're not even speaking about something and so you're getting in bed
00:49:44
you're just laying in silence and oh my God he's thinking about it and I'm thinking about it you she's thinking and
00:49:50
I hope he doesn't ask me and I'll pretend to sleep and all of that stuff I've been there yeah um and really what broke it was was the two things you said
00:49:58
the first thing was you got to talk about it and the second thing was removing the pressure right and the blame yeah and the Judgment yeah and if
00:50:05
you can get there and I think much of the reason why people don't want to talk about it sometimes is because they they
00:50:12
might have a little bit of a risk that if they're honest about how they're feeling then the other the person might leave or they might be mad or they they
00:50:19
might not hang around long enough for you to fix it together MH you know and also you don't know how to fix it so
00:50:25
it's difficult sometimes in life to say I've got a problem but I have no idea what the solution is you know yeah this
00:50:31
is one of the reasons that I like erotic play dates so much what's that erotic
00:50:36
playdates are so all right I've written hundreds of sex techniques I've written dozens of
00:50:45
communication skills and what people really want they
00:50:50
don't necessarily just want a technique or a skill they just want to have fun they want erotic Adventure
00:50:57
I Just Want to Have Fun having sex with you I don't want it to be like I'm going to be finding your you know g spot or
00:51:04
whatever like that's fun that's fun that could be one of the things you want to do that could be one of your erotic play
00:51:10
dates it's like let's find our G-spot let's try this sex toy let's do a lingerie photo shoot let's have sex on
00:51:16
the dining room table when the kids are away let's do whatever when you start to think about your sexuality not as oh we
00:51:24
have to grab a boob and stick in we have to have intercourse um and
00:51:30
when you move away from that you take the pressure off you have a lot more intercourse because you have you start
00:51:36
having fun you start trying things and when you try things you have new relationship energy sex is an
00:51:46
equation it is two things good sex is
00:51:51
half of it is Safety and Security I trust this person they're not going to give me STI you know they're they're
00:51:58
going to they're going to be fun um I like them they smell good they taste
00:52:03
good you know they're they're going to be good to have sex with but if you you just have
00:52:10
that boring you know it's like that's the death Nowell for your sex life is when
00:52:17
it's just safe boring sounds so boring so variety
00:52:23
novelty erotic adventures erotic play dates learning new things together when
00:52:30
you have this seat this Foundation of trust and safety and good
00:52:38
communication I can say anything I want to you and you're going to love me and you're going to appreciate that I'm telling you what I need all the time
00:52:45
when you have that and then you add all the novelty ooh did you hear about that
00:52:50
heated sex toy or that one that blows up in your vagina inflates what's that like or oh that's find your pea spot or let's
00:52:57
try this penis ring or whatever it might be um once you start doing those things
00:53:02
then not only that but you have something to look forward to you're like okay so one of the things that I like to
00:53:08
offer people is a is understanding what's on your sex life bucket list so what I did was I took 48 of my
00:53:17
best sexy ideas and I made a sex life bucket list with all 48 of them and then
00:53:24
it's basically this little print out here I'll just give you one for me yeah go for
00:53:31
Tim well this is for you so what's interesting about the sex life bucket list is that I give you a video and I
00:53:37
give you a print out and if you both do the print out and you watch the video and you go through and I tell you what
00:53:43
all 48 ideas are and then when you do that you go okay well these are my A's I
00:53:50
definitely want to do a lingerie photo shoot with you my bees are I mean I'd find your PE spot with you and I'm happy
00:53:56
to do it but it wouldn't be like on my a list and you're prostate you're a PE spot is that up your bum yeah up your
00:54:04
bum okay and um CES are it's not for me right now Never Say Never because as you
00:54:10
mature if you think about your sexual development like your personal development it's just one more thing
00:54:16
you're learning you get better and better and you increment your skills and so what you used to look at it and go
00:54:22
why would anybody want to be spanked now you're like oh my God I want to be spanked in my I've been there in my sexual
00:54:28
history where I was with a partner and um I remember first introdu introducing the idea of using sex toys yeah and my
00:54:35
partner responded at the time many many years ago saying that no that's for 50-year old people and I was like what
00:54:42
and that was I found it really disappointing because I thought I was I was in search of novelty in the the bedroom so I was looking to try new
00:54:48
things and I'd heard of like my best friend was doing all sorts of like bondage and whips and stuff so I was
00:54:53
like I'll get i'll get involved in that yeah and they just kind of shut it down uhhuh and what is someone supposed to do
00:54:59
in such a situation where they've proposed something which is in line with their sort of their sex language but their partner has shut it down dismissed
00:55:06
it mocked it ridiculed it whatever what are they supposed to do yeah first of all I cannot wait to do my Susan's sexy
00:55:13
Show and Tell with you today because I have brought you some things that I've
00:55:18
never shown anyone before I have brand new things that no one's ever seen in
00:55:24
the whole world for you today so I'm excited about that the second thing is that understanding that your girlfriend
00:55:32
was afraid she's just afraid it was lack of knowledge makes fear so how can you
00:55:38
educate her say you know I think you'd really enjoy us playing with a toy together you know I'd love to be inside
00:55:46
you while you you have a toy on your the outside and I think you'd really enjoy
00:55:51
it and it might give you some different kinds of orgasms so why don't we have a date and I'll take you to a store and we
00:55:58
can look at them and she goes no I'm not interested in that I don't like it say
00:56:04
well tell me what it is you don't like about it is it something where you think that it might do what replace I you'd
00:56:11
think I'd be worried I don't think it's good for us I think that we're better doing it naturally and I think that
00:56:17
that's for people that are 50 which is what she said to me it's a quote she said I think that's for people that are 50 well and we at the time must have
00:56:24
been early 20s or something so I mean I use an electric toothbrush and an oral
00:56:29
irrigator and I drive a car and I have a mobile device and I use a laptop and I
00:56:34
use all kinds of tools so these are tools of pleasure and all I think is
00:56:40
that we might experiment with some fun things but if the toys aren't of interest to you right now let's talk
00:56:46
about what else might be of interest let's do this sex life bucket list and see what does sound good to you and
00:56:53
let's just start with your A's I'm perfectly willing to to meet you where you are with the things that might be on
00:56:59
your bucket list let's let's knock a few of those things off and try some fun new things together it's interesting because
00:57:05
I you were speaking I was reflecting on that sentence that that this former partner said many years ago about I
00:57:10
think it's for people that are 50 because a when I'm 50 I still want to be having the best sex in my life and I've
00:57:16
spoken to 50y olds and they're having a great time um but C it also comes back to this idea of like should which is
00:57:24
again imperative measure I you know like this expectation and this
00:57:30
this how stereotypes can can be so corrosive for like sexual exploration and an openness
00:57:37
um the other thing I was thinking about is what if you want to try something with your partner you have a fantasy
00:57:45
and it is opposed to their fantasy so like I I think we talk about love
00:57:51
languages a lot but what about like sex languages could you could you is it possible the opposite sex language to
00:57:57
your partner for example you might want to be um you might want to feel really
00:58:03
safe but your partner wants to tie you up and dominate yeah and that's like and
00:58:12
that's maybe that's their thing yeah and you but you want to be really you want to feel really safe so that that's like
00:58:17
diametrically opposed MH so there's a couple of things the first is
00:58:22
that uh G erotic blueprints are a good place to start um she's come up with
00:58:29
five different archetypes uh sexual archetypes and I think that's wonderful but it's very similar also to the um
00:58:37
Love Languages where it's like well Steve I want you to love me in all five
00:58:42
ways like making me think I have a love language it's also starting with the
00:58:47
erotic blueprint that you have is great but maybe you are really enjoying being
00:58:53
passive but then why not not try and be a little switchy why not learn and
00:58:59
become more confident in your sexuality and learn how to take control or maybe
00:59:05
you are the one that's always dominant and it's time for you to learn how to surrender I think that you can start in
00:59:12
one place with your comfort zone but begin to learn more things so that you
00:59:18
get out of your comfort zone and you start trying new things how often you
00:59:24
said um safety plus novel equals desire mhm so the novelty part I mean if you
00:59:29
live 100 years that's a lot of new ideas you're going to need I have not run out
00:59:35
of ideas as a matter of fact sir Tim I joke that his like Epitaph on his
00:59:42
gravestone which he's like I don't even need a gravestone I don't I don't care about that but I always joke that his Epitaph is up for anything like I can't
00:59:50
come up with something that guy wouldn't be willing to try with me and I keep coming up with stuff and he keeps being a yes and it's really really fun when
00:59:58
you're with a partner like that or when the two of you have ideas and a lot of times when we have a date we'll sit down
01:00:06
and and or or if we have a date with a third person so I have a boyfriend as
01:00:12
well and the three of us make love and we'll get together for our date and
01:00:18
we'll watch is that no we were all together they're straight but we all make love together and um we'll sit down
01:00:26
and we'll be like okay well what do you guys feel like and they'll throw out some ideas and I'll throw out some ideas and then we'll decide what we want to
01:00:31
start with first and then we'll come up with a game plan and then we'll start that game plan but then I'll be like oh no you know what I want to do I want to
01:00:37
do this instead and they're like okay we'll do that instead so you can just
01:00:43
get to the point where you're so comfortable that you can listen to your animal one of the reasons I use the word
01:00:50
homo sapien when I talked to you earlier is that we can't forget that we are part
01:00:57
of if you think about the tree of life we're on the branch with the bonobos and
01:01:04
the great apes we are Homo Sapien we are part of the great apes and so we're an
01:01:11
animal we are subject to the vagaries of how much sugar we've eaten have we been drinking have we been you know have we
01:01:18
been sad have we been stressed out Etc have we been working out or not and so
01:01:24
every time you enter into to an experience together every time you begin
01:01:29
a love making date to not have some prescribed thing that you're going to do but to see what your appetite what your
01:01:35
animal desires what he or she is in the mood for I'm the kitty cat I'm the
01:01:42
lionist where am I I want to try a new toy I want to have sex in a different location whatever it might be what am I
01:01:48
in the mood for what does she want I've got another question so this is from a
01:01:53
young man okay who is a diers of listener and this is his situation I
01:01:59
feel like when
01:02:05
whenever I am having sex with someone that she's not really having as good of
01:02:14
a time as she's uh acting like um and the reason that I think so is because I
01:02:21
only last like 2 or 3 minutes in bed and I just don't think that that's enough time for for her to you know for her to
01:02:28
get off also um and this has been a issue dating
01:02:34
back to my first relationship yeah this is very very common uh so kit You Are
01:02:41
Not Alone one in four men of all ages suffer from what some people call
01:02:46
premature ejaculation or performance anxiety but um one of the things that I
01:02:55
have been doing is working with Jim Benson I published his program called
01:03:01
multi-orgasmic lover for men and basically what it does is it helps men
01:03:06
attain something called ejaculatory choice and that is essentially you get
01:03:11
to ejaculate when you want to not because you can't help it so for the guys that are coming too fast it slows
01:03:18
them down it's essentially a technique called the Me Breath me and it is is um a way to use three
01:03:29
things in your body it's a body based technique it's very similar to like learning how to swing a golf club or
01:03:34
learning how to drive a car where you you know when you're driving a car you're gassing you're braking you're
01:03:40
looking in the rear of your mirror you're looking out the front you're steering you might even be
01:03:45
shifting and uh golf swing you know you're setting it up you get the head tilted right you're doing your swing
01:03:50
your pullback and all these kinds of things the Me Breath uses three things it uses a a squeeze of the PC muscle the
01:03:57
puboc coxas muscle it's like the keeg area it uses a breath that is called a
01:04:05
cool draw this comes from dowst techniques for semen retention but it's not a seamen retention technique but
01:04:11
it's leverages that and it uses a what we call a Thrust or a pelvic Rock to
01:04:18
relax guys guys end up often with intercourse kind of doing like like a
01:04:24
piston they think about the vagina as like an inside out penis and it's just
01:04:30
this friction that's supposed to feel good to her the vagina is a vast Cavern of pleasure it is not an inside out
01:04:36
penis and it likes all kinds of other things but when they end up with that friction and they're stiff and they're
01:04:44
not relaxed it accelerates ejaculation so when they learn the
01:04:50
squeeze the breathe and the thrust and they do them during masturbation often
01:04:55
men who come before they want to are suffering from um kind of almost
01:05:02
training themselves to come too fast like they've they've masturbated in ways that you know gets them off quickly
01:05:09
often they don't have privacy or you know they're just they just don't have leisurely time for masturbation so you
01:05:15
practice thei breath during masturbation and it teaches your body to gas and
01:05:20
break your arousal so you can slow down and the other component is the mental
01:05:27
component which is that you get really nervous you're going to do it again and
01:05:32
then that makes you do it again and so there are some sematic techniques that allow you to be
01:05:41
present right here right now because a lot of guys guys say to me all the time
01:05:48
I don't really care about my own pleasure I'm just in it for her and it's like well that's a lot of pressure for her dude it would be nice if you showed
01:05:54
your pleasure too like always just trying to make her have an orgasm is not
01:05:59
really what you want to do either you need to get out of your head and into your body you got to slow down you got
01:06:06
to get present because if you're thinking about something that happened in the past oh I'm going to come too fast again or oh my God what if I come
01:06:14
too fast you're you're not with me and so if he stops trying to make her have
01:06:20
fun if he stops worrying he practices the Me Breath at home and then when he's
01:06:25
making love to her he knows how to breathe and rock his hips and by the
01:06:31
way that pelvic Rock feels really good and intercourse for her so that's nice
01:06:38
too if I was to try and relate to our friend here kit um I think for the first
01:06:45
sort of season of my sexual journey I thought of sex as this thing where you kind of climb
01:06:51
on and it needs to be like as quick as you can and in fact because of because you watch pornography
01:06:57
when you're young you think that the faster and harder you go the better the job you're doing oh my gosh I know I
01:07:02
think in my wisdom I've learned that there's no rush and also you know I get
01:07:08
off by watching my partner get off so this is where a lot of the things you have on this table come in because it
01:07:14
wasn't until later in my sort of sexual Journey that I started using these kind of things these toys that you've brought
01:07:20
I mean you've brought 720 of them but I recognize a couple of them um um which
01:07:26
On's are like a a fan favorite if you're a guy and you're looking to pleasure your partner which one of these is like
01:07:32
you know easy money it's like it's going to hit the spot yeah well there's a
01:07:37
couple of different ones one of the things that I think is really important is Yoni massage do you know what a Yoni
01:07:43
is I do good for you because A+ student my partner is has told me what Yi
01:07:50
massages are and she was in B for many years doing she's done Tantra training and I've been with her and stuff so yeah
01:07:57
great Yi means vagina it really means you know the vagina is just the
01:08:02
internal Cavern and the vva is just the external
01:08:08
facing tissue okay like the outside and the inside and so vagina's not technically accurate and vve is not Tech
01:08:14
technically accurate the whole thing the whole vagina whole thing right but it's
01:08:19
not because the vagina is just the internal so I like the word Yoni because
01:08:25
it's comprehensive and it's also reverential which means it means that
01:08:32
you are not looking at it as like this is just a thing that I'm sticking my
01:08:37
penis in this is actually connected to this woman this is her the seat of her
01:08:44
passion this is the seat of her creativity this is she is a goddess and I will pleasure every part of her and so
01:08:53
I think that's the number one thing that's important to when I when I use the word Yoni I'm really thinking about
01:08:58
it in a very loving gentle kind and pleasurable perspective and so if you
01:09:05
want to do a good job for a Yoni the best thing that you can do is give it a
01:09:11
massage before you make love to it and so toys that I would recommend for that
01:09:18
are lay on toys is this is a pretty burgeoning category of of toys and I I
01:09:26
think about them as tools I don't even think they're toys I feel like toys is like okay yeah that's fine but they're
01:09:32
they're tools what's a Layon toy so here are two Layon tools this is called the pulse Queen and this one actually has a
01:09:39
vibrating plate let let me turn it on for you actually you'd probably figure it out right away hold the middle button
01:09:44
down for a minute and it'll it'll go on there you go this pulse plate technology
01:09:50
actually penetrates the vva the outside of her
01:09:56
Yoni and it feels great on the clitoral structures it feels great on the mons
01:10:01
it's a headach so it feels great on the outer labia and the inner labia and the
01:10:07
vestibule so what it does wow yeah it it'll there's plenty of power here's
01:10:14
another one that's called the vibe and that's also a Layon tool and they send
01:10:21
penetrating pulsating pleasure into the the onlyi and what's nice about that is
01:10:27
that here's my banana so if you imagine this banana is a penis that's pretty
01:10:33
easy you can do that and half of your penis sticks out of your body and half of it actually goes down and in toward
01:10:39
your testicles so it's double almost double what you see sticking out fully
01:10:45
erect it's twice that size and inside it is erectile tissue spongy tissue and
01:10:53
that spongy tissue holds blood so remember when I was talking about um
01:10:59
being held and holding and how women need to get out of their head and they need to slow down yeah if a lot of guys
01:11:06
say to me what's the number one sex technique I need to know and I'm like okay well there's a lot of them but the number one sex technique you need to
01:11:12
know is slowed down turn around and come back and get us because you're ready to go and we're not because your erection
01:11:19
happens in a minute or two you can usually get a heart on because this spongy tissue in your penis has these
01:11:25
three straight shoots and the blood runs right in there you see the boob and you
01:11:31
get an erection boom but not a female body a female body has the same amount
01:11:38
of erectile tissue as is inside your penis only and I'm doing a little demo
01:11:43
here if you're listening to us I'm stretching this erectile tissue from the
01:11:48
penis into this little teardrop shape the vagina is in here and the Ure eal
01:11:55
Canal which is What's called the G-spot but it's not a spot it's a long tube so here is the vagina it is wrapped in the
01:12:02
same amount of erectile tissue that's in your penis but it's in these little arms little legs little shaft little sponge
01:12:09
little sponge and so it takes about 20 minutes for her to achieve her clitoral
01:12:17
erection so we'll start with her first then right so Yoni massages are
01:12:23
fantastic because you're going to get that blood flowing into her Volva so that all this tissue gets nice
01:12:31
and plump so she gets an erection because how does sex feel if you're
01:12:36
flaccid not great it feels great when you're erect and that's because it has more surface area that sends more
01:12:44
signals to your biggest sex organ your brain your brain and so when women are
01:12:51
rushed for sex which is has been almost all the time because everything you see in the movies what is it what what's the
01:12:56
typical movie scene we get together we kiss you rip off my shirt my bra is
01:13:01
still on you haven't even touched my boobs which are one of the three not you you're you're perfect but you know he
01:13:09
hasn't even touched her boobs and he's ripped her pants off and he's plunged inside her she's not ready she doesn't
01:13:15
have a lady boner she's not ready to go that tissue needs to be filled up with
01:13:21
blood so that it feels as good to her so it sends the signals to her brain so all those women who are like I'm I'm just
01:13:28
the kind of woman who can't have an orgasm from intercourse I'm like uh girl
01:13:33
yeah you can you can basically have orgasms entire time you're having intercourse if you get enough pleasuring
01:13:42
before you're penetrated you said there's multiple types of orgasms 20 20 different 20 plus
01:13:49
one is wild card because I'm always leaving opportunity open for more orgasms read this Quantum orgasm yeah
01:13:57
Quantum orgasm yeah what's that so that sounds nice of the 20 kinds of orgasms
01:14:02
there are locations to touch clitoral vaginal anal breast gasms nipple gasms
01:14:11
throat gasms Etc and then there are techniques to use so for female
01:14:17
ejaculation which all women can do uh there are very specific techniques
01:14:22
that work and it's not what you see on porn and then there's expanded orgasm
01:14:27
techniques as well and an expanded orgasm or like a Quantum gasm is this
01:14:34
so and then there and there are tools of Desire so there's three different types of orgasm I'll finish that sentence so
01:14:40
there's locations to touch techniques to use and tools or objects of Desire
01:14:46
because who's to say that that crop that spanks your bottom isn't an object of
01:14:53
desire to give you orgasms it is too but the quantum gasm so a regular orgasm
01:14:59
is okay it's very similar to what men think about an orgasm being like I'm
01:15:05
gonna and this is like the 1960s you know Masters and Johnson Style almost 80 years ago we have moved on from this
01:15:13
style of orgasm this is just one kind but it's
01:15:21
the and you have the orgasm that's a oneandone and often women who say or and
01:15:27
a lot of men complain about this to me after she has an orgasm she doesn't want me to touch her it's over she's done and
01:15:33
I'm like you're driving her too hard you haven't given her enough engorgement if you go
01:15:38
slower she'll be able to have multiple orgasms because you haven't driven her nervous system so hard to get the first
01:15:46
one done so slow down lighter touch more engorgement more foreplay make out play
01:15:52
with her boobs stroke her body tell her she beautiful all of these things and
01:15:58
then she can move into multiple
01:16:05
orgasms she can do that right but then there's extended orgasms so this is
01:16:12
where she starts being able to sit in sensation and this is back to sex as a
01:16:18
mindfulness practice now she's right there she's in the orgasm and now she's
01:16:24
like like oh oh oh oh oh
01:16:36
oh that's a sound that's a CB yeah I recognize that right that's an extended
01:16:42
orgasm now she's taken that moment of time and she's stretched it out like
01:16:48
taffy right so now she's in the orgasm right so she's starting to ride a big wave but then there an expanded orgasm
01:16:56
and that's the that's the king the queen of orgasms and that is now I'm a big
01:17:04
Wave Rider you're towing me out you're stroking me you're pleasuring
01:17:09
me it's feeling good you get me up in that wave and I'm riding that
01:17:15
wave and I just ride and ride and ride and ride that wave and you tow me back
01:17:20
out and a big set just came in and now you tow me into to a bigger wave it's
01:17:26
more intense it lasts even longer and I am just coming and coming and coming and
01:17:33
you just keep delivering and you're delivering it to me with the lightest of
01:17:38
touch because now I'm so good at orgasming that all you barely have to do
01:17:45
is stroke a little finger on all that delicious plump juicy tissue that's now
01:17:52
sending massive amounts of signal to my brain and I am coming for 10 minutes 20
01:18:00
minutes 30 minutes now I'm going to come with you for until I can't anymore let's
01:18:07
see how long we can go and you start having orgasms that keep getting bigger
01:18:13
and better until you're just tired you need to stop you have to get some water
01:18:19
you need to recover and I remember when I was learning the expanded or orgasm
01:18:25
technique this was from my mentor Dr Patty Taylor and I called her one day when I had one of those hourlong orgasms
01:18:31
with Tim and I was like let's see how long I can come how hard I can come and how much I can come
01:18:36
so I came and came and came and and I thought oh man I'm at this
01:18:42
precipice and I'm afraid to let go like I'm I'm riding the waves but I there's
01:18:47
more and it's out there but I'm afraid and I called Patty and I was like what do I do and she goes step off
01:18:55
go go out there when I stepped off I touched Source I touched God I felt Gaia
01:19:03
I felt my connection I felt what connects us all that's why sex is
01:19:10
repressed that's why people hold you away from sexuality and shame you
01:19:17
because if you felt God in your love making why would you need to go to God in a church he's Ethan he's far away
01:19:24
from from God my girlfriend and I um just moved in together about a year ago
01:19:30
we've been together for two years and we're looking down the barrel of a dry bedroom and uh things have gotten real
01:19:39
mechanical especially in the last several months and I'm just afraid of where it's going to go and I want to help
01:19:44
us good it's not good for her she's not
01:19:50
enjoying it he's bummed out so he's probably doing
01:19:55
he I mean how can you blame anyone for not knowing when there's my work's
01:20:02
always sensored I teach passionate love making techniques I but I can't
01:20:09
advertise I can't advertise expanded orgasm practice if you're trying to teach Ethan how to have an expanded
01:20:15
orgasm with his partner yeah what would how' you go about that I just give him the program it's 21 erotic play dates
01:20:22
you learn the it's a f stroke technique but I would say start with sex life
01:20:28
bucket list start with trying some toys start with Yi massages you have to recommend one toy for Ethan then well
01:20:36
that's just gonna she it's gonna blow her mind which one would you which one is the favorite like of all these toys
01:20:42
there's I mean there's some more over there as well what is there's got to be one that's most popular amongst women it
01:20:48
depends I would say that if he wants to have partnered sex with her then one could be a double vibrating penis ring
01:20:56
that he could put on her and she could ride him and then uh she could put her
01:21:04
clitoral structure up against the hair let me help you with no I've got it don't worry you do oh good for you a
01:21:10
bottle with it on I know it's on the bottom you have to turn it on the bottom hold the button on the bottom and hold it for just a second and it'll go on oh
01:21:17
go and there you go and then you can press it again press the button at the top again at the top oh I'm sorry at the bottom the same one press it again there
01:21:24
it goes on okay so that vibrates on the clitoris while it's attached to your penis yes your actually your penis and
01:21:30
your testicles go through there and your testicles yeah all your junk goes through there and then you get paranal
01:21:36
pleasure while she gets clitoral pleasure so you could try that or you
01:21:42
could give her something like this this is a little this is called the digit and this is like a little Ring Pop so that if you have Lube all over your hands you
01:21:48
don't lose it it's not hard to hold on to and this will dcece like a little hummingbird on her clitoral St structure
01:21:55
while you're penetrating her that's a good idea I I love this one this one's great because a digit I'm messing around
01:22:01
trying to hold onto this thing and it's sliding around so that's Fant you just got to rest it there that's fantastic so
01:22:07
I'd say introduce her to toys but also start giving her Yoni
01:22:12
massages just really lay her down get out the oil I'd like to tell you about
01:22:17
this I brought these for you so this is um Foria and this is my pleasure
01:22:24
protocol and there are three components to it the first is this put a melt have
01:22:33
your partner put a melt inside her vagina this is cocoa butter
01:22:39
Botanicals can't see what have you just handed me I've handed you just a little
01:22:44
a little cocoa butter it almost looks like a little fingertip of cocoa butter that goes up inside the vagina to me it
01:22:51
looks like a double siiz tablet is inside here yeah that's
01:22:57
reasonable and you can take open it up and take one out yeah um and the cocoa
01:23:04
butter melts up in there with CBD and Botanical there you go doesn't it smell good oh my gosh it's
01:23:12
it smells like um dark chocolate it's cocoa ah cocoa butter is from cacao it
01:23:18
is chocolate oh my God it's the fat of chocolate which is an aphrodesiac right
01:23:24
doesn't it smell good it smells it smells like cacao yeah yeah it's so nice so she puts that inside her pops it
01:23:31
right in it melts almost immediately and it makes her vagina feel like velvety
01:23:37
and Luscious and then this is the intimacy this is the awaken arousal oil
01:23:42
so when you take this home for your girlfriend I want you to just put a few drops in your hand and then I want you
01:23:49
to coat it on the outside on the vulva on her mons her outer labia her inner labia her clitoral shaft and tip and the
01:23:57
vestibule the inside between the two labia so no wonder what I'm doing
01:24:02
doesn't that smell so good and then when you want more slide and glide just put
01:24:08
as much of the sex oil on as you want so you've got someons you've got the Melt on the inside you've got the arousal The
01:24:14
Awakening which is going to be like Bing it essentially makes your Yoni when you put the arousal oil on the awaken it it
01:24:20
makes your Yoni go [Music] I like that it's so good and then this
01:24:28
is oh I need more slide I need more Glide and then this I absolutely love I
01:24:34
I used to think I used to not really like my breasts and I've got great boobs
01:24:40
and I didn't think I did because I'm a woman and we think there's something wrong with us everybody in the world wants to get their hands on my boobs but
01:24:46
I didn't think they would look good it's ridiculous what we women do to ourselves
01:24:52
so when discovered nipple gasms I was like oh have I been missing out and I
01:25:01
love having orgasms from my breasts being pleasured it is so nice and I've
01:25:08
done an AB split test one nipple with and one nipple without this breast
01:25:13
oil and nipple a loves this breast oil so when you play with your girlfriend
01:25:20
take little droppers full of this and have her have her hold her boobs up and and dribble it on her boobs and then
01:25:26
spread it around and play with her breasts and nipples maybe while you're making out or you know a lot of times
01:25:33
what I like to do is I like to have Tim lean up against the back of the bed the
01:25:38
headboard and then I put a pillow on his belly and I lean back against him and he
01:25:45
gives me breast pleasuring with the breast oil while I tell them about my
01:25:51
day and we talk about things and we just connect with each other I think kit had something to say about this tell me I
01:25:57
mean I probably need to get better at oral sex I think oral sex is probably expected at this point um so I guess I I
01:26:06
would want to learn more about that and I would want to learn more about like this is going to sound so crazy but like
01:26:12
what like what are you supposed to do with nipples I don't know I don't know any
01:26:17
any other way to say that but it's like you know does it feel good to like how long should I should I like suck on them
01:26:23
for a while or should I uh like tweak them or like
01:26:29
what's you know it it it just seems like awkward so I guess I'm more Awkward than
01:26:35
I should be and I think if someone could tell me some some things that I could do that are not awkward then I would feel
01:26:43
so much better about everything yeah everybody feels like that this is just a process of learning
01:26:50
what to do and I'm so glad that he wants to and he's aware that he wants wants to learn some things um I think having
01:26:56
great oral techniques is so good anybody that says to me I just don't like oral sex I'm like uh because you haven't had
01:27:04
good oral sex oral sex is incredible highly orgasmic amazing all in its own
01:27:11
and a lot of people say oh I don't like 69 which is mutual oral pleasuring and
01:27:16
I'm like they're like I can't concentrate I'm like you don't have to concentrate you can just sometimes be
01:27:21
giving and sometimes be receiving but being connected like that
01:27:27
being think about the energy you're circulating and the pleasure that you're creating practice makes perfect with sex
01:27:36
Chuck me that perfect head one of the things that I think about all the time because my life is quite hectic and busy
01:27:42
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01:28:04
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01:28:10
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01:29:24
your first order and does do people's libidos drop when they go into
01:29:30
menopause it depends on so many factors some people say that they're having the
01:29:37
best sex of their life through menopause and some people say that they're libido flat lines everybody's so
01:29:45
different there's genetics there's diets there's beliefs systems there's you know whether your sex life's already good or
01:29:51
not so many things does low testosterone and equal low libido typically it can yes okay and I want to explain libido
01:29:58
desire and arousal because there's really three different things but people use them interchangeably libido is your health how healthy are you one of the
01:30:06
most common things that happens to couples is someone becomes ill emotionally physically or both and then
01:30:12
they can't have intercourse so they think their sex life is over and they stop even touching each other and so what you have to do is you
01:30:20
have to have that I I like to say I'm like a Timex watch I can take a licking and keep on ticking right anything that
01:30:28
happens to me I just find a way to fix it work around it take care of it like I
01:30:33
just don't want to uh succumb to old age and atrophy and all of those things so I
01:30:40
do all kinds of this sexual biohacking in these sexual regenerative therapies
01:30:46
and then desire is how do you feel about yourself just like Eliza where she feels
01:30:54
like she's not desirable anymore you have to really work with those body issues and and and love yourself and and
01:31:03
and get over those things and bring yourself back to the pleasure and the connection and the joy that you create
01:31:08
and not hold yourself up to some perfect thing you've had kids you're you're aging okay but that doesn't mean you
01:31:14
can't have really great sex with your husband that makes you both so so happy and makes your kids happy because
01:31:20
they're growing up in a household where their parents aren't all stressed out and disconnected they're growing up in a household where Mommy and Daddy are
01:31:26
going to go in the other room and you need to watch Barney for a while or
01:31:32
whatever and then arousal is this notion that men get erect very quickly and they're ready to go they'll drop trow at
01:31:39
a moments notice and have sex anywhere any time and women need relaxation to
01:31:45
begin to climb the arousal ladder they need that blood flow to come in that takes 20 or 30 minutes depending on
01:31:52
frequency of engorgement and so we need that too I wanted to ask another
01:31:58
question for one of my listeners um it was a guy and we had this question come
01:32:04
in quite a lot from our audience um and it was about routine where is it this
01:32:09
one here this is Ethan okay yeah it's just it's just it's just the same thing
01:32:15
over and over again it's we can we can pretty much do one maybe
01:32:21
two you know positions um and and yeah it's got to be nighttime
01:32:30
bed same same day you know every every Saturday I finally get it
01:32:38
yippe yeah I could I just feel the frustration in his voice and it it it
01:32:44
breaks my heart and this is probably a woman who has one pathway that she's
01:32:51
found to orgasm and and that's her comfortable pathway and so she wants a sure thing
01:33:00
and she needs it to be the same every time so she can have that so what I
01:33:06
would say to him is that again his partner is working without a lot of
01:33:12
knowledge so she has much more fear and so the control that she's putting onto
01:33:18
her sex life like it's only this way it's only in the dark it's only this day it's you know that's her that's her
01:33:25
groove she's found her groove and that's fine but it would be what I would want
01:33:31
her to know is that there's 20 kinds of orgasms there's so many Pathways try
01:33:37
orgasmic cross trining so start with the thing that you know works and then add something else
01:33:44
in and when you are working on that one thing that works and then you add the
01:33:50
new thing in let's try let's try breast play Okay so I'm going to do what you
01:33:55
want to do but I'm also going to stimulate your breasts and nipples I'm going to slowly trace my fingers I'm
01:34:00
going to put on some breast oil I'm going to pleasure you pretty
01:34:06
soon that at first might not feel good to her it might make her feel this is this
01:34:13
is if you touch a woman in on her breasts on her nipples on her vulva on
01:34:18
her clitoris in her opening to her vagina which is called her introital sphincter which is a little round muscle
01:34:25
inside her vagina on her labia all these different places and you ask her what do you feel all different women will say
01:34:32
basically four things the first thing they'll say is it feels it it hurts it feels
01:34:39
painful it feels numb I feel shame or I feel
01:34:47
pleasure all that's standing between the pain the shame the numbness
01:34:54
and the pleasure is orgasmic activation it's being touched in a loving way that
01:35:00
feels safe so that you can begin to start those neural Pathways to the brain and
01:35:08
back to the biggest sex organ again which is the third time you touched me in a loving way on my labia it actually
01:35:17
started to not feel numb it started to feel good great let's do it some more
01:35:24
and so when you bring all the sensation online when you get all those core
01:35:30
puzles and nerve endings and all of that tissue thrumming with pleasure your
01:35:37
orgasms become so easy so I would recommend for him offer Yoni massages
01:35:44
without intercourse on a separate day of the week to begin to activate that tissue so she's not so reliant on the
01:35:51
pathway that works for her and she begins to understand how beautiful her vulva is to him how much he loves to
01:35:59
give her pleasure how to relax and stay in sensation because women have a lot of
01:36:06
time staying in their body and staying in sensation one of the number one things that a sex therapist will do is
01:36:14
teach you how to stay in sensation and feel it people are disconnected from
01:36:22
their sensation where does masturbation and pornography fit into all of this is that a good
01:36:28
thing for a relationship is it a good thing to be doing alone is it something that's full of shame we had a
01:36:33
conversation on this podcast recently about pornography and one of the really surprising things that came off the back
01:36:38
of it was um women messaging me privately saying that we didn't talk
01:36:45
about women who have an addiction to pornography mhm which was quite surprising to me yeah because it's not
01:36:52
it's not in keeping with the stereotype I hadn't crossed my mind but I wanted to give that a little bit of air time
01:36:58
because it's something I didn't talk about last time is that something you know how do you think about pornography and masturbation is it good bad
01:37:03
indifferent shameful oh you're talking to the lady that likes heart-c connected passionate
01:37:09
love making and most pornography is just friction I like to transform friction
01:37:15
into connection and so I'm not against pornography it's just not in my Realm of
01:37:24
what I like to help people with why because I want to teach you how to have
01:37:30
much better sex than the stuff you're seeing on porn what's the harm of the stuff we see on porn I'm not saying that
01:37:35
it's harmful I'm just saying why live someone else's agenda why not live your
01:37:41
own agenda have your own life have your own fantasies have your own sexuality have your own experiences have you met a
01:37:47
woman addicted to pornography no I have not have you met a man addicted to pornography many
01:37:55
yeah and they have to go off at cold turkey and they go through withdrawal and it's freaking hard so I I feel badly
01:38:03
for people who do get addicted you think it ruins the real thing I do because I
01:38:09
don't even want to watch it first of all Time Magazine had an article that said that uh they did a there was a study
01:38:17
that um randomly sampled something like 340 clips of porn and then
01:38:24
they looked at them and they said 96% of them were degrading to women in some way
01:38:29
and that's what we're raising generations to think is sex what I like to teach is
01:38:36
passionate erotic sensual heart-c
01:38:41
connected ecstatic orgasmic Bliss what about masturbation without
01:38:47
the pornography masturbation is fantastic it helps activate all of the
01:38:53
tissue it helps you uh have pleasure and fantasy so my recommendation is fantasy
01:39:01
although there are some new interesting things that are coming up too like for example um two of these toys that I want
01:39:08
to show you these are really interesting new technology one of them heats up so it
01:39:16
gets warm there's nothing better than sticking a nice warm thing in your
01:39:21
vagina and I love that try this one I don't know if you tried that one yet these are from satisfier and this one
01:39:29
check this out man this is so interesting this particular vibrator
01:39:36
gets it gets a balloon and it blows up look I'm blowing it
01:39:43
up for anyone that can't see the end it's like a normal vibrator the end is swelling look at that and then if you
01:39:50
want to let it out you just press it whoops uh oh there it goes and all the air goes
01:39:57
out if you put this inside your vagina it feels incredible to have that blowing up inside there and filling up all that
01:40:05
Cavern of space these now are app connected and you can listen to Fantasy
01:40:11
or music and the music will take you on an orgasmic Journey the fantasies will
01:40:18
read you stories in time with the vibrations and Sensations that come from
01:40:24
the devices so if you want to watch pornography do it for me personally I
01:40:30
would rather you have a couple of hot lovers and great fun and you know have a
01:40:37
lot of women are like well I I don't have a boyfriend and I'm like well take a lover why do you need someone who
01:40:42
checks off all the boxes why not just get a hot side piece and have great sex with them they're like oh my God I never
01:40:49
thought of that I'm like girl stick with me and I recommend that for anyone you
01:40:54
don't have to wait for the be all and end all you can just have great sex as
01:40:59
long as you do STI testing which is one of the last things I wanted to talk to you about oh looks like I spilled a
01:41:06
little oil on this I'm sorry this is so interesting because this is Basis DX now I have to say uh full disclosure
01:41:14
in this particular thing I'm on their I'm their Chief advocacy officer so
01:41:20
because I work with people who are in poly groups and who go to sex parties
01:41:27
and you know they're they're I'm encouraging people to have sex I cannot do it without the caveat that one must
01:41:34
do STI testing before they go any further than kissing or hands on a body
01:41:40
so you can keep a couple of STI kits at home and then if you meet your hot lover you can do your STi test and when you
01:41:47
get him back then you know you're safe everything's okay because there's a lot of long-term Downstream negative effects
01:41:55
from getting STI it's not as simple as oh just take take an antibiotic and
01:42:00
you're done some of these things last forever and you can never get rid of them what is the most important thing
01:42:06
that we haven't talked about and really there I'm asking for the audience what is the question that they're probably
01:42:11
sat home saying Steve you didn't ask bloody question which I've got a huge issue with here at home in my in my
01:42:17
bedroom with my love life with my partner well we've talked a lot about um
01:42:23
how Body Works and slowing down we've talked a lot about creating your own
01:42:29
experiences that sex is um a lifetime journey of pleasure and learning that
01:42:37
ignorance creates fear so learning solves that problem and the best way to
01:42:43
learn is to try new things we've talked about so many different things that you
01:42:49
can try we've talked about the fact that if you have no path to organ orm you can get one then you can get two then you
01:42:55
can get three by the way all bodies can have over 20 kinds of orgasms you can have as many orgasms as I can we have
01:43:02
the same Parts they're just an in and an AE so men think they have one
01:43:08
ejaculatory orgasm and they're done or maybe a short refractory period but no you have so many kinds of orgasms
01:43:14
waiting to come out they're all in there waiting for you to let them exist in
01:43:20
your life so we've talked how do you know when to to leave how do you know when to walk
01:43:26
away there are so many good sex therapists out there
01:43:31
now that you have to try that first before you leave if you can afford to
01:43:37
seek therapy and you have a mismatch in your style desire libido whatever it
01:43:45
might be there's there there's been trauma there's you know whatever it might be um what if they don't want to
01:43:51
see one what if you propose the idea and they say no I'm not going to therapy cuz talking about the bedroom to a total
01:43:58
stranger is not the easiest of things to do I think I would say especially for a man I'm not saying just just therapist
01:44:05
are good at that though they know what they're doing they can help you with that they can open you to the
01:44:10
discussions well I went to a see a therapist with my partner and we talked about a lot big range of things and we
01:44:15
still go to couple's therapy all the time um as more of like a preventative measure but it's just nice to have a
01:44:21
dedicated space and even in there especially the first couple of times that I went I was like I hate
01:44:26
this I was like it was embarrass it was like embarrassing I didn't want to say anything I was hoping she wasn't going
01:44:32
to say anything because you feel like the strange is judging you but
01:44:38
also you know yeah it's it's not but the reason
01:44:45
why it's a good thing is because you in your relationship knowing
01:44:51
that there's a space where where you're going to get to be honest with each other yeah and you're going to get to vocalize it makes the other
01:44:58
6.9 days the other like the rest of the week much more enjoyable because you
01:45:04
know where the space is for these things you know when we're going to sit down and have the sort of dedicated conversation so it makes it makes the
01:45:10
rest of the relationship better and also I think men have a bias where we don't we're not typically the ones to initiate
01:45:15
these kinds of things yeah um sometimes we might seem like resentful or reserved but over time even though my partner
01:45:22
initiates these kind of conversations about unmet needs and sex life and all these kinds of things yeah over time and
01:45:28
in hindsight thank God she did yeah because she I think women are sometimes better
01:45:35
at like ringing the alarm well we're generally more articulate so men you know they how they say I'm a man a few
01:45:41
words that men are men are like that partially its nature and partially it's
01:45:46
nurture and so guys don't feel like they can they feel like it's not a Level
01:45:52
Playing Field when they have to have a conversation about things with their female partner they feel like she's going to be able to talk circles around
01:45:58
him so it is dangerous to navigate which is why it's nice to have a therapist to help you navigate navigate really
01:46:05
difficult issues and you know that old phrase happy wife happy life yeah it's a cliche it's a stereotype whatever but
01:46:11
there is a hint of Truth in where that stereotype comes from and I think it originates from this idea that men are
01:46:19
quite simple in what they express that their needs are yeah and women are more
01:46:24
articulate are more complex they're more like aware of unmet needs yes so they
01:46:31
vocalize them more often typically not always um which means that there's this Dynamics formed which the man sometimes
01:46:38
thinks his job is just to keep her happy and if I keep her happy then we're happy yeah but in hindsight I've come to learn that it's a
01:46:45
really good thing that she does sound the alarm it's a really good thing that she is sensitive to unmet needs because
01:46:51
unmet needs for her are probably unmet needs for me I just can't see them yet yeah I'm just unaware of it so I'm just
01:46:57
saying that to men who who might feel the same way that I've often felt where you're like oh my God another problem or
01:47:03
whatever and um I've just come to be so grateful for the fact that my partner is like very aware of these good early
01:47:09
warning system very good because I would never I'm so like busy and like she's smiling I'm fine yeah but and you know
01:47:16
this you come to learn this because the things that when she sounds the alarm the things that it ends up solving make
01:47:21
the relationship better make makes me happier and that's that's the goal at the end of the day so yeah so reviewing
01:47:28
everything we've talked about the other thing we talked about was making her small offers filling her up with orgasms
01:47:33
giving her Yoni massages slowing down those are very important holding her it
01:47:40
makes you feel as good to hold your woman as it does for her to be held that that's a very symbiotic thing not
01:47:47
thinking that sex is just intercourse right learning more skills having more
01:47:52
more experiences together doing your sex life bucket list and keeping your body
01:47:58
in good shape right so making sure you're getting your exercise and your
01:48:03
sleep and all those things so you can go the distance and that sex keeps getting better your whole lifelong so I think
01:48:09
we've covered a lot of terrain well we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest not
01:48:15
knowing who they're leaving it for and the question that left for you if you could go back and tell your 20-year-old
01:48:21
self something something that would have made you happier healthier more successful if you had heard it if it was
01:48:28
whispered in tree at 20 years old what would you tell your 20-year-old [Music]
01:48:33
self play full out never compromise all of your gifts and your
01:48:40
talents never play small it is not your job to make other
01:48:46
people feel comfortable of course you can bring your heart to everyone but it is your job to live the best most
01:48:53
amazing life that you possibly can I have a question for you what's that what
01:49:00
are you going to do differently now that I've had this conversation with you what shifted for you there's quite a few
01:49:07
things I mean so the first is I have this new this new set of toys that I'm going to be um bringing home which is
01:49:14
interesting I learned actually a lot about the limic system which we didn't actually talk about today from reading through your work and the the
01:49:20
implications that'll have for our relationship and our feeling of connection I learned a lot about Tantra from um reading through your work as
01:49:26
well which again we didn't talk about today um I think for my audience one of the things
01:49:33
that I think is really critical um is to remove pressure um which is I remember a phase
01:49:39
of my life where it sex had become like the elephant in the room the sorry the lack of sex had
01:49:46
become the EV elephant in the room and the pressure to fix it made it worse so
01:49:52
your approach to that is to schedule these like play dates not try to get sex
01:49:58
where there's no like penetrative in Intercourse guaranteed on the menu yeah
01:50:03
and just uh just to start from the foundations of being connected and then um the other thing of course is just the
01:50:09
importance of novelty and sex which is something that you know I'm five six years into my relationship now so it's time something I think about a lot I
01:50:15
think about keeping it fresh and yeah and stuff like that and I talk to my friends a lot about this a lot I call it
01:50:20
desire management which is how manage desire so it doesn't Fade Out kind of like a a flame that needs the right
01:50:27
amount of oxygen too much oxygen and it's going to blow out but just like the right amount of oxygen when I say too
01:50:33
much oxygen I mean what's what's that in the analogy that would be like I guess it would be too much distance like and a
01:50:41
lack of safety MH whereas just the right amount of oxygen
01:50:46
is like the right amount of safety and the right amount of novelty the way I look at it is like if you took a handle
01:50:52
and you put one of these like things over it it would go out and that's okay that in that analogy what
01:50:58
you've done there is there's no novelty there's routine you're there all the time they see you when they wake up you
01:51:03
just you never leave the house you're attached to each other and then there's like little bit of oxygen in but not too
01:51:10
much that it's going to blow out which is you know keep yourself High desire
01:51:15
maybe go you know go on work trips every once in a while be away from each other miss each other go to new places
01:51:23
we new things you I think such a simple um
01:51:30
equation I learned that from uh dossy Eaton she wrote the ethical and she
01:51:35
was the one that taught me um safety and variety equals desire
01:51:42
interesting yeah I've come to I've come to come to learn that mainly from watching my friends my friends have taken all these different approaches my
01:51:48
one friend he knows who he is he listens to this and always sends me the clips he likes stifles a lot of the women that he ends up with
01:51:54
yeah insecurity he will move in honestly in two situations he moved in with them
01:52:00
on either the first or the second date was it oh wow the second date twice and they became his girlfriends it lasted
01:52:06
about a month one of them lasted about two years but just the fact that he's moving in on the second dat was like
01:52:11
problematic in both situations one of them was Co the other one was she just lived in far away land so she had to fly
01:52:18
over and then where she going to live she she lived with him and then I've seen my other friends play it other way way I've seen the long distance and how
01:52:23
that can fade out if it's too far away it's hard and I've always thought there's a Sweet Spot somewhere in the middle there definitely but again this
01:52:30
is subjective it's probably different for me as it is for you and Tim thank you I want to say the work you're doing
01:52:37
is helping a huge huge amount of people sort of demystify these subjects which are so stigmatized and seem to be so
01:52:43
Elusive and mysterious in so many people's lives the reason why I have these conversations on the podcast and invite people like you on is because I'm
01:52:49
trying to say the like quiet part out loud this is going to be the Diary of a CEO and what would be in your diary it wouldn't just it wouldn't be pnls and
01:52:56
spreadsheets it would be worries about erectile dysfunction it would be I'm not having sex with my partner it would be
01:53:02
how do I improve my sex life what the do I do with nipples like kid said it would be these kinds of things and that's what you do in your work and you
01:53:08
do it better than anybody and it's um thank honestly you're doing something really amazing for a lot of people a lot of people you'll never even get to see
01:53:13
so on behalf of all of them and me thank you for what you do thank you so much for giving me the light so that I could
01:53:20
help people I appreciate that
01:53:26
I'm going to let you into a little bit of a secret and you're probably going to think that I'm a little bit weird for saying this but our team are our team
01:53:33
because we absolutely obsess about the smallest things even with this podcast when we're recording this podcast we
01:53:38
measure the CO2 levels in the studio because if it gets above a th000 parts per million cognitive performance dips
01:53:44
this is the type of 1% Improvement we make on our show and that is why the show is the Way It Is by understanding
01:53:50
the power of compounding one 1% you can absolutely change your outcomes in your life it isn't about drastic
01:53:57
Transformations or quick wins it's about the small consistent actions that have a
01:54:03
lasting change in your outcomes so two years ago we started the process of creating this beautiful diary and it's
01:54:08
truly beautiful inside there's lots of pictures lots of inspiration and motivation as well some Interac Dev
01:54:14
elements and the purpose of this diary is to help you identify stay focused on
01:54:19
develop consistency with the 1% that will ultimately change your life we're only going to do a limited run of these
01:54:25
Diaries so if you want one for yourself or for a friend or for a colleague or for your team then head to the diary.com
01:54:30
right now I'll link it below
01:54:46
[Music]
01:54:52
h