00:00:00
70% of the adult population is at least on one medication quarter of women are on anti-depressants the rate of
00:00:06
childhood is going up worldwide there's this epidemic of distress what can we do
00:00:11
about that so the first step would be to Dr Gabor mate legendary thinker
00:00:17
celebrated speaker and best-selling author highly sought after for his expertise on addiction trauma childhood
00:00:23
development and stress people Pleasers these are the people that tend to develop diseases when people don't know
00:00:28
how to say no the body will say no for them that niess is a repression of healthy anger and that repression of
00:00:34
healthy anger has huge implications to your health and when you repress your immune system you're more likely to have
00:00:40
that immune system turn against you people emotionally repressed are more likely to have cancer and emotional
00:00:45
repression is one of the impacts of childhood trauma we interrupt this film to tell you we are getting reports that
00:00:51
the people's princess is dead here was a traumatized child how he's told about
00:00:56
his mother's death is that it was an accident your mother didn't make it his father touches Harry on the knee and
00:01:02
says but it'll be okay and leaves the room this 12-year-old nobody held him and children can be traumatized not just
00:01:09
by terrible things happening to them but just by not having their needs met by not being seen not being heard not being
00:01:15
held those are wounding for a child but my interview with Prince Harry I had a gut feeling all along that I shouldn't
00:01:21
agree to do at the interview it really got to me I lost myself what
00:01:28
happened [Music]
00:01:37
gabble there's a question we often ask each other in flippant conversations
00:01:42
which we usually kind of brush away because it's the convenient thing to do yeah that question is the question I
00:01:47
wanted to start by asking you which is how are you yeah
00:01:56
um so that question is uh for me brings up you know two Dimensions one is how am I at this present moment which is you
00:02:02
know how am I at this moment you know which is all there is I'm well I'm I um
00:02:08
I'm feel rather peaceful inside um I'm very happy to be here with you if You'
00:02:14
asked me two days ago I wouldn't have said that I would have said I was feeling somewhat anxious and uh and kind
00:02:21
of troubled you know so um as a in the moment answer I'm well and I also know
00:02:28
how to keep well as long as I stick with what I know and when I forget what I
00:02:34
know then I can be very not well and so the last year since we've met has been
00:02:40
in many ways a tough year for me um also one of deep learning so if the question
00:02:45
is how have I been I'd say I've been up and down and I've had real challenges that I've had to learn from how am I
00:02:52
right now I'm really well thank you two days ago if IID asked you that question your aunts would have been anxious and
00:02:58
troubled yeah why I gave a talk on Monday night to 2100 people and uh I
00:03:05
just didn't think I did my best here in London and I thought oh boy I could have done better I let people down um I I
00:03:12
allowed my self judgments and self-d to really um dominate my my thinking and
00:03:18
um you know as much as I think I'm immune to that kind of self-doubt
00:03:24
evidently I'm not um so that's what happened with you say um you let it
00:03:31
Cloud you're thinking what are this what were the symptoms of that so you gave a talk two days ago to 2100 people yeah
00:03:37
and you didn't feel you did your best you went home that night what was going on in your head what are the symptoms of that feeling um constant
00:03:45
[Music] um cyclical self-criticism of I could
00:03:53
have been more present I could have been more grounded more attuned with the audience
00:04:00
perhaps but you know just all these self-criticisms which then are accompanied by certain feelings in the
00:04:05
body like kind of a a roiling in my belly and so on and uh that's what I
00:04:12
went through and what was the remedy for that because we can all relate yeah
00:04:19
earlier this year um also feeling in a state of
00:04:24
discombobulation uh just a few months ago I did something radical I did a two we total sabatical from the internet no
00:04:31
cell phone no emails no no checking on Amazon on my D books are doing you know
00:04:38
all the self-referential uh ego enhancement stuff and it just really made a
00:04:44
difference uh by the end of two weeks I was a different person and so I'm keeping it up and one of the things you
00:04:51
learn is you start noticing these body states that you're in and the
00:04:57
mental Hoops that you jump through but you don't identify with them so what's
00:05:03
the worst case scenario I didn't do the best possible job okay what's the
00:05:08
headline in the newspaper human being fails to do his best on a particular occasion what's the big
00:05:15
deal you know so it's a matter of observing this all all this stuff and
00:05:21
not identifying with it not letting it take you over as it tends to I was
00:05:27
reading something that said when we vocalize or share our stress it moves
00:05:33
it from the emotional center of our brain to the much more rational center of our brain yeah where we can kind of
00:05:39
step outside of the video game and hold the controller per se exactly yeah it's the um um mid-frontal cortex of our
00:05:47
brain um that has insight and um um social connection and uh awareness you
00:05:56
know which so often goes offline as soon as some emotion takes over some anxiety
00:06:02
or anger or resentment takes over uh the
00:06:08
midfrontal cortex tends to go offline and uh the more trauma you experience as a child the more likely that is to
00:06:15
happen so that your insightful capacities the executive
00:06:21
functions get taken over by some deeper emotional Dynamics and so um one of the
00:06:28
benefits to me of meditation is is it restores that executive function so that I'm not
00:06:36
taking over or too long taken over by emotional dynamics that just sweep me
00:06:44
away for two weeks this year you said you went offline yeah why sometimes people say to me uh I I
00:06:52
written this book that I know that you have on your desk when the body says no and and my contention is when people
00:06:57
don't know how to say no the body will said in the form of illness and uh I can tell you hundreds of times
00:07:04
people have said to me your book has saved my life and my response has always been maybe I should read it myself
00:07:10
because the fact is I'm quite capable of giving advice and dispensing wisdom that I don't follow myself and that was the
00:07:17
case so I became quite stressed and my relationship with my wife Ry became very fraught and she said enough enough of
00:07:26
this gap between who we are there in public and how you are in private so
00:07:32
that was a big incentive for me Cu uh we're coming up to a 54th anniversary
00:07:38
and on the whole I'd rather stay married than not everything else being considered but also for myself I don't
00:07:44
be that I don't want to be that guy anymore who who can speak the truth a lot of people consider
00:07:51
to be a truth so articulately but not follow it myself so
00:07:57
I just don't to be that person and that takes practice and that's why we that's why I take the to the break from the
00:08:03
internet and what was interesting is I had my cell phone on airplane mode
00:08:10
so nobody could get through me couple days a couple times a day I'd still pick up the cell phone and I say what are you
00:08:16
doing there's nothing on it because you it's on internet but the the compulsion to try and get something from
00:08:24
the outside to fill some some Gap within I just kept noticing it by the end of
00:08:30
two weeks it wasn't so strong anymore um so I did it because I needed to for the
00:08:38
sake of my own mental health an up and down year for you you said yeah yeah
00:08:45
yeah is that is that the the down you were talking about well I remember a
00:08:51
conversation my conversation with you and I and and I think I remember you telling me that you had this goal of
00:08:58
becoming a million millionaire when I was younger yeah when I was younger and then it's when you achieve that goal
00:09:04
that you realize that that ain't all there is that you still left very much with your internal
00:09:13
demons and that's a very common lesson I mean there's two ways to to wake up one
00:09:20
is failure where you keep asking yourself you know but but but success is even more because you think that once
00:09:27
you get something then you'll be happy and you know so I thought okay well geez
00:09:32
that you know so this book the methan normal you know bestseller internationally and published in 35
00:09:37
languages I should be happy no the more I got involved with it and the more I toured with it and the more engaged with
00:09:44
the outside became the more Miser miserable I became inside so the very success of the book and it alled to seep
00:09:51
it swept me away and I lost myself you know so that was one thing and I did this very long exhausting tour I wasn't
00:09:57
taking care of myself and then there was the my interview with Prince Harry and
00:10:03
all the um uh frer arounded before it and after it and allowed that allowed
00:10:10
that to take me over as well really yeah yeah yeah I mean in retrospect I can see
00:10:16
what happened but at the time I was too caught up in it to notice you know so
00:10:22
what I'm saying is that it doesn't matter what I know if I don't pay
00:10:27
attention rigorous attention to what's going on inside and if I keep looking to the outside to give me meaning and give
00:10:34
me um validation then I Can Lose Myself and
00:10:41
that's what happened your interview with Prince
00:10:47
Harry how did that cause you to lose yourself well in two ways one is um I
00:10:54
had a gut feeling all along that I shouldn't agree to doing it the way they set it up because because the way it was
00:10:59
set up is in order to watch it people have to buy a copy of Harry's book and I thought this is not fair 4 million
00:11:06
people have already bought the book why can't I watch this into you do they have to buy another copy in other words I
00:11:12
believed that this should be a free public service on a part of two people who can
00:11:17
have a very interesting conversation but out of sheer opportunism I agreed to it so I didn't follow my gut feelings I
00:11:23
lost myself even in agreeing to the format and afterwards har and I both
00:11:29
wanted it release to the public for free but the lawyer said you can't do that because this was advertised as a
00:11:35
one-time only event and you could there could be a class action suit so um the
00:11:41
result was that I agreed to something that I didn't really like not that I didn't like the idea of talking with him
00:11:47
I didn't like the idea of putting this behind the pay wall so I lost myself just in agreeing to it number one number
00:11:54
two then there was the incredible social media and British media re reaction to
00:11:59
it that was for the most part so negative and so demeaning and so
00:12:04
dismissive and so distorted that I barely even know how to talk about it I thought by this age I would know better
00:12:12
but you know what it really got to me it really got to me I mean uh I can give you examples but um eventually what
00:12:20
happened was that I was really in a negative state of mind and have you read
00:12:26
the book the um the fo the mold the hor the boy and and the horse I bought it
00:12:31
last week it's upstairs in my bag wonderful so great it's a great little book great big book although very few
00:12:38
words in it mostly just these wonderful drawings Charlie mcky um he's really channeling wisdom in that book and the
00:12:45
horse is the most grounded of the four characters of the four friends and he's asked what's the most courageous things
00:12:52
you've ever said and the horse says help so it's so difficult to ask for
00:12:58
help but I did you know in the middle of all this frua and my upset and I called
00:13:04
a friend of mine a psychiatrist um and I said I'm just in a bad State
00:13:12
and he said what's going on for you and I said well there's all this bad press and all the social media Distortion of
00:13:17
who I am and my motives he said what is the what that bothers you so much and they said not being
00:13:26
seen not being seen is one of the needs of the child but he said to me okay look gabo when
00:13:32
you were an infant you're not being seen for who you are as a human being almost cost you your life which you did as soon
00:13:40
as he said that I said yeah this isn't about the present this is an old unresolved not
00:13:47
yet fully resolved wound age 79 I'm still upset at not being seen I don't
00:13:52
care if people agree with me um or they refute my ideas but I want them to see
00:13:58
me and what what I'm actually saying not some distorted version created by their own minds and and when he said that that
00:14:06
not being seen really threaten your life I said yeah that's what's going on and
00:14:11
then I could relax this so what what somebody else says I don't live in the British press I don't live in somebody
00:14:17
else's mind here I am you know let them think and say what they say but it took
00:14:25
somebody to wake me up to that so that's what happened
00:14:30
you said you could share examples of how it got to you of yeah well oh boy um
00:14:37
they called me a Stern overbearing Merchant of
00:14:43
pain you know
00:14:49
uh at some point in the interview you know when Harry was um and the other thing was see Harry was a traumatized
00:14:56
child um and you when you read his book you you can see why you know
00:15:02
he and people couldn't understand how is this possible How could somebody so privileged at the very Apex of society
00:15:09
and guilded palaces be traumatized total misunderstanding of trauma um it's true uh people have it
00:15:18
much tougher in many ways but as an infant as a sensitive infant to be born
00:15:24
into um a Loveless marriage with the father's having an affair even before he's born but the mother is a troubled
00:15:30
very sensitive very creative warm-hearted but very imbalanced young woman so Harry
00:15:38
describes in his book spare that he's 12 years old when
00:15:43
his mother is killed how he's told about his mother's death is that his father
00:15:49
then Prince Charles comes into his room early in the morning and says something
00:15:55
terrible happened there was an accident your mother didn't make it then there's a few moments of awkward silence and
00:16:01
finally Charles touches Harry on the knee and says but it'll be okay and
00:16:07
leaves the room and this is how this 12-year-old was told nobody held
00:16:13
him um Charles himself was only doing what happened to him when when Queen
00:16:19
Elizabeth went on a International four five month Royal tour leaving the
00:16:25
5-year-old kid behind when she returned to England she greeted him by shaking his [Music]
00:16:31
hand and now what I said to Harry was that even
00:16:39
animals hold and touch their kids their infants mammals that's what they do
00:16:45
because mother rats when the baby's born they lick their babies and the way the mother rat uh Rat
00:16:53
licks the baby this has been shown in laboratory influen the brain development of the child and those babies that get
00:17:00
the right kind of licking it's called grooming they have better brains as
00:17:06
adults premature infants used to be put in incubators and nobody used to touch them then it was found out that if by
00:17:13
just by stroking their backs 10 minutes a day that promotes healthy brain development and the Great British
00:17:20
American uh Anthropologist Ashley monu wrote a book called Skin the human
00:17:25
significance of touch so I was saying that touch is important you're not being held and not being touched was a
00:17:32
deprivation and I said mammals monkeys you know what happens when a baby elephant is born this is
00:17:39
fascinating the mother ele I read this in a book called The evolv Nest for which I wrote the preface by a wonderful
00:17:46
psychologist called Dar narz when when an infant element elephant is born and
00:17:52
the mother goes into labor all the other mother elephants stand around in a circle when the infant plops on the
00:17:57
ground they all stroke them with their trunks so touch and being held is so
00:18:03
important for mammals and I was saying animals do that this journalist who I don't know
00:18:11
what she was listening to said I said the royal family tweets like kids like animal I said no I wish they'd
00:18:19
had so I mean the Distortion is just laughable if it wasn't if I hadn't taken
00:18:26
it so personally for the reasons I already explained for you to take
00:18:31
it so personally which led you to call a psychiatrist yeah a man like you with
00:18:38
the knowledge you have that writes books about the mind and stress and the body and all these
00:18:43
things you must have been in a pretty dark place I was in a dark place and I wasn't but look I'm a human being like
00:18:51
the rest and what Charlie mcki says in in that book is that the most courageous
00:18:57
thing he can do is ask for help it's true you know does that I don't if you remember the Beatles song help I need
00:19:03
somebody and and John lenon sings when I was younger so much younger than today I didn't need anybody's help in any way
00:19:10
but now those days are gone I'm much less self- assured he's actually saying
00:19:16
that when he was younger he believed he didn't need help but the reason he believed he didn't need help that he has
00:19:23
to make it on his own cuz he was so traumatized as a child his uh father
00:19:28
left him when he was born um his mother left he was bought by
00:19:33
an ant and Lennon Gres up feeling abandoned that I can do this on my own I don't need anybody you know and uh later
00:19:42
on he realizes I need help but after fact we all born needing help we all
00:19:48
born uh needing to be understood to be attuned with to be seen to have our
00:19:55
emotions received and validated that's one of the essential needs of children as I make the point in the Mython normal
00:20:02
and children can be traumatized not just by terrible things happening to them but just by not having their needs met by
00:20:09
not being seen not being heard not being held those are wounding for a child which is what the meaning of the word
00:20:15
trauma means so you don't need terrible things to happen it's so difficult for people to understand that you know they
00:20:23
they they think for trauma you need horrific events well horrific events can
00:20:28
be very traumatic but you can wound people sensitive people the sensitive
00:20:34
child or any child can be hurt just because the parents are too stressed and unavailable emotionally to really see
00:20:40
them for who they are I've struggled with that in my life especially being um a CEO I think I've struggled to ask
00:20:49
for help when I need it because you kind of see yourself as the helper and also
00:20:56
I've struggled with the idea maybe I don't know where I got this story from that people like me maybe because I'm a
00:21:02
man maybe because I'm um the head of
00:21:08
businesses we have to figure it out on our own and the cost of repr
00:21:14
repressing how I feel has become more and more evident over time yeah how so just like I think
00:21:22
I when I was younger I never experienced anxiety before and then as I had more
00:21:28
difficult moments in business where I tried to solve the problem in my mind for the first times at like 25 26 27 28
00:21:35
29 30 that I experienced like fully-fledged what I'd call anxiety where I just couldn't get a thought out
00:21:42
of my head and I felt it in my body my breath was short this constant state of like angst yeah um and and yeah I just
00:21:52
thought I could deal with it myself I thought I could think my way through it yeah um was that the hardest the the
00:21:58
hardest moment in terms of your own psychology in your adult life in recent times let me answer that question a
00:22:04
moment but let me ask you a question that occurs to me if I may yeah please um it's like with beautiful women they
00:22:11
sometimes have a very hard time because they can never know that somebody want me for who I
00:22:19
really am or they just attracted to my physical features so for somebody who at a young
00:22:26
age becomes quite well healthy and successful um how do you know when
00:22:32
somebody's approaching you are they approaching you because they want something from you or because they
00:22:38
really care about you I mean that must be a problem for you I imagine 100% 100% you never really know understand what
00:22:44
your relationships are yeah you know yeah huh it must be confusing sometimes
00:22:50
it is and you I typically fall back onto the relationships I had before yeah yeah
00:22:55
cuz I can trust those ones yeah so I have the same my best friends people I spend my time with on my birthday there's five you know
00:23:01
five people there are the five people that were there 10 years ago yeah unless I think we get reconnected to our gut
00:23:10
feelings then our gut feelings will tell us what is real and what isn't but the problem for many of us is that we get
00:23:16
disconnected from a God feelings very early in life like in a in this room of 2100 at the try on Monday night um I
00:23:24
think I asked this question I always do uh have you had the experience of having a strong gut feeling about something and
00:23:30
not paying attention to it ignoring it and being sorry afterwards almost everybody puts a hand
00:23:35
up that's a child sign of childhood wounding because we're born connected to
00:23:41
our gut feelings no baby is disconnected from the gut feelings something happens to make us disconnect what is a gut
00:23:49
feeling from a physiological perspective because gut feeling is used as a word to describe you know an Intuition or you
00:23:56
know well real gut feelings really happen in the gut uh the in the western
00:24:03
way of looking at it we tend to look upon the intellect and and and the intellectual brain is the only brain
00:24:08
that we have but actually our brain is a far more complicated um structure and
00:24:14
our heart has a nervous system which is connected to the brain up here and there's a kind of knowing in the heart
00:24:20
sometimes people say I knew in my heart and they did if they're connected gut feelings
00:24:27
are what all animals possess it warns them of danger or when it's safe and when it isn't safe not in the brain um
00:24:34
the gut is connected to the brain right the the gut sends more connection to the brain than the brain sends to the
00:24:40
gut and the gut has more of the neurotransmitter serotonin in it than
00:24:46
the brain does so that the gut things are here to tell us about what is safe and what
00:24:52
isn't and when the brain in the gut and the brain in the heart and the brain and
00:24:59
up here in this in the head are connected then we're grounded and present and very alert and very aware of
00:25:05
what's going on but when childhood trauma interferes with those connections which it does then we start to just work
00:25:12
from up here and we can think we can figure things just from up here but actually when you think about human
00:25:19
beings where did we evolve we evolved for millions of years out in nature how
00:25:24
long does any creature in nature survive if they don't pay attention to they got feelings so to go back to your question
00:25:31
about me I used to believe I really used to believe into my 40s that I everybody
00:25:38
else could be stressed but I couldn't be and it's like you and your anxiety
00:25:45
um I think the reason you I didn't feel the stress CU I had coping
00:25:51
mechanisms like working hard and um getting people's attention or using my
00:25:59
smarts and and uh having status and all this kind of stuff you know and then that broke
00:26:06
down I realized I I could be stressed like everybody else but literally I had to I I had this belief Ian it's almost
00:26:13
unbelievable to me now that I used to believe that I couldn't everybody else could be stressed but I couldn't be
00:26:18
that's what I thought yeah your wife when you went
00:26:25
through that dark moment if I was her what would I have
00:26:31
observed well first of all and I talk about this in the Myan normal and Reay
00:26:37
my wife came on stage at the troxy on Monday night and talked about this I asked her to women have 80% of
00:26:44
autoimmune disease in the society so that um diseases where the immune system
00:26:50
attacks the body happens to women much more than to men things like rheumato arthritis systemic lupus chronic fatigue
00:26:58
fom myalgia um inflammatory disease of the gut um and and so
00:27:05
on why so um those diseases tend to happen to
00:27:12
people not just according to my own observation although it's very much my own observation when I was working in
00:27:19
family practice and paliative Care before I did addiction medicine I noticed that who got sick and who didn't
00:27:26
wasn't accidental um as the subject of my book when the body says no and then again in the
00:27:32
methan normal people tended to be compulsively concerned with the
00:27:37
emotional needs of others rather than their own identified with Duty role and
00:27:42
responsibility so their their work in the world rather than their own um true selves they
00:27:50
tended to suppress healthy anger so they tend to be very very nice and
00:27:55
peacemakers and they tended to believe that they're responsible other people feel and then they must never disappoint
00:28:02
anybody two fatal beliefs so these are the people that according to my observation but according to a whole lot
00:28:07
of research as well that I didn't even know about but have since found elegant
00:28:12
research these are the people that tend to develop autoimmune disease now in this society which gender is more
00:28:20
acculturated programmed to suppress their healthy anger to be the peacemakers to be the caregivers women
00:28:27
the this is a function of a reality that a lot of people deny but it's a patriarchal society which we can talk
00:28:33
about but it's not a conspiracy it's just how it works so me in my marriage
00:28:38
expect my wife to absorve my stresses and if I'm unhappy guess who I blame and
00:28:44
who do I take it out on so she would experience somebody who's um can be
00:28:49
hostile for no reason and blaming and she has to walk on neck shell no um
00:28:58
thank God she's not the type to do that for too long and at some point she'll call my bluff and then I either wake up
00:29:05
or she says thank you very much but enough for this you know and so she
00:29:10
would experience somebody who was irritable and um unreasonably blaming
00:29:16
and not taking care of their own needs and then expecting her to take care of them for me and
00:29:23
um we both had to grow up and she was programmed that way as a child her parents had a lot of problems and
00:29:30
she became The Peacemaker and a caregiver emotionally and then she cares that role
00:29:35
into her marriage with me and here's what the bad news is for people we always marry somebody at the same level
00:29:42
of emotional development or trauma resolution as we are so when we met we were too traumatized people not even
00:29:49
realizing it and then we played out our traumas and I played it out in a typical male way which is to be aggressive and
00:29:56
demanding and resentful if she wasn't around to Mother
00:30:02
me and um that's what she would have seen and this Dynamic can still
00:30:07
arise except when it does she puts a stop to it right away and I have the
00:30:14
grace and the wisdom I know to understand yeah I'm doing it again in fact I haven't done it since then
00:30:20
because I just don't want to be that guy you know but that's what she would have seen and what was going on inside your
00:30:26
head were you anxious were you depressed I was anxious and
00:30:32
um then I want her her soothing I want her how should I say this
00:30:40
um there's an interesting sexual dynamic between men and women that men very
00:30:45
often expect unconsciously expect their women to Mother them to give them the
00:30:51
mothering that they didn't fully receive his kids and the women take on that role
00:30:57
because they're acculturated in this Society to do that but then what happens sexually no healthy guy wants to sleep
00:31:03
with his mother and no healthy woman wants to sleep with her son so that the
00:31:09
the ardor and the you know the the passion kind of drains out because of this unconscious Dynamic of women
00:31:15
mothering men and and men men demanding that they do so then I become
00:31:22
frustrated and then who do I blame for that I blame her rather than looking at
00:31:28
how did I contribute to how did I help create this situation so um all that stuff played
00:31:34
out in our marriage and we've had to learn a lot from what didn't
00:31:39
work in my relationship when I was most anxious it's also when my relationship
00:31:47
nearly ended um with my partner because like you said I inadvertently took it out on
00:31:54
her because I felt that she should understand how I'm feeling and basically adapt to me exactly and she didn't and
00:32:03
so there was conflict because I felt like she was misunderstanding me yeah
00:32:08
and wasn't like acting in the right way to meet the needs that I had like she couldn't you know and and so that I
00:32:15
think I wore her down and then there was kind of like as you say that
00:32:20
ultimatum moment where she's basically saying listen shall I just go yeah and what you probably didn't do and what I
00:32:26
did do for a long time is just to go to her and say you know what I'm feeling anxious yeah that was that's what
00:32:32
happened after you know you know and I'm feeling unsettled and I realize that I have resentful feelings towards you you
00:32:39
know instead of owning it we act it out yeah and then we why don't they
00:32:44
understand us you know and actually so what we're actually demanding is that we can be children emotionally and they be
00:32:51
the mothers who without any effort on our part will understand stand and see
00:32:57
us you know and this is a strong Dynamic um in men female relationships
00:33:05
and what tends to happen is is that men then women at some point get to the if
00:33:10
they're healthy enough now if they're notal if they're not strong enough to assert themselves you know what happens
00:33:16
they get sick and uh I know this is a mouthful but a lot of women's Cancers
00:33:24
and auto immune diseases are precisely because of the self depression and I could talk about that at Great length
00:33:30
the physiology of it but either the the body will somehow say no for them that's why women are much more likely to be in
00:33:36
anti-depressants cuz they're taking a medication for both of them you know and
00:33:41
so either the woman gets ill somehow or she asserts herself and says I'm not
00:33:47
doing this anymore at which point the guy will go seeking a younger mother who's not yet mature enough to assert
00:33:53
herself and this happens all the time in relationship the cost of self-repression the cost of
00:34:00
sort of emotional repression I think everybody is guilty at some point in their life of repressing their emotions
00:34:05
I think men do it a lot as well I mean if you look at the Su suicidality in the UK among men tend to act it out on
00:34:12
themselves like that yeah what is the cost of self-repression now you talked about the physiological mechanism of
00:34:18
what's going on when we repress our emotions and how we feel it's it's been well studied not just by me but others
00:34:25
and documented that repression of healthy anger um disturbs the immune
00:34:31
system now why should that be the case now healthy anger is simply when
00:34:38
somebody is intruding on your space and they won't desist you say
00:34:44
you're in my space get out that's healthy anger it's in the moment one
00:34:50
it's done its job it's finished with it's different from chronic Rage which
00:34:55
is a whole other thing no in other words anger is a boundary
00:35:00
defense that's all it is animals do it ah get out of my space you know now the
00:35:07
emotional system in general has the job uh the human emotional
00:35:14
system in general has the role of allowing in what is nurturing and loving
00:35:21
and healthy and welcome and to keep out what isn't that's the job of the emotional system
00:35:27
let me ask you a trick question what's the job of the immune
00:35:34
system okay I'll answer is to keep out what is unhealthy and unwelcome and
00:35:39
toxic and to let in what is nurturing and healthy so the immune system is like it's been called a floating brain it is
00:35:47
memory it is reactive capacity and
00:35:52
um it um re allows in New nutrients and vitamins and healthy bacteria and keeps
00:36:00
out and destroys what isn't toxins and unhealthy invading organisms and so on
00:36:06
in other words the immune system and the emotional system have exactly the same
00:36:12
role that's the first point the second point is they're not separate systems
00:36:17
physiologically speaking emotional system the nervous system hormonal apparatus and the immune system are all
00:36:23
one system and there's a whole new science when I seen you 60 70 80 years
00:36:29
old called psycho neur neuroimmunology that studies the unity so it's not even
00:36:34
that all these things are connected they're one so therefore when you're suppressing one aspect of it you're also
00:36:40
suppressing the other so people that repress healthy anger they have diminished immune activity and this has
00:36:47
been demonstrated so so the repression of emotions has a physiological function
00:36:54
and when you repress your immune system you're more likely to have that immune system turn against you or to fail you
00:37:01
when it comes to malignancy the immune system like you and I have cancer cells in our bodies probably every day because
00:37:08
nature makes mistakes that's not a problem the immune system recognizes them as cancer cells don't have on their
00:37:15
surfaces markers that our normal cells do so the immune system says this is a
00:37:21
foreigner it's an enemy I'm going to destroy it but when you repress your emotions you can also undermine your
00:37:27
immune system and our immune system will not recognize the malignancy and not
00:37:32
destroy it and allows it to to proliferate there was a British
00:37:37
surgeon in the 1960s who operated on am I talking too much no you're not there's no such thing on this podcast
00:37:45
okay because I just get so passionate about this stuff uh and the reason I get
00:37:50
so passionate about it is because it's so important in healing and we as Physicians could do so much more for
00:37:56
people if we understood these scientific facts but we don't as a profession anyway there was a d there's a British
00:38:03
um thoric surgeon called David kissen in the 1960s who noticed what I noticed in
00:38:10
my practice that um people emotionally repressed are more likely to get lung
00:38:17
cancer now it's true that most people who get
00:38:23
lung cancers are smokers but out of 100 smokers only about 10 or 15 gets lung
00:38:29
cancer which doesn't mean that lung smoking isn't the major contributor to lung cancer it is but he found that it
00:38:37
was those of his patients that were emotionally repressed that were likely to get the lung cancer as a result of
00:38:42
the smoking and the more repressed they were the less smoking they had to do in order to get lung cancer this is this
00:38:49
guy noticed this in the 1960s so emotional repression has huge implications physiologically and
00:38:55
emotional repression is one of the uh impacts of childhood trauma why the child is born with some
00:39:05
fundamental needs one of them as I've articulated earlier is for attachment for closeness
00:39:13
proximity unconditional loving acceptance by um caring adults not just
00:39:20
the human child all Myan children have that need without that they don't survive so that that's called attachment
00:39:28
seeking of closeness and proximity for the purpose of being taken care of or to take care of the other and our brains
00:39:35
are wired for attachment we have circuits in our brain dedicated to the attachment
00:39:40
relationships and that's so important all through our lives but especially when we're infants and young children
00:39:46
now but we have another need we've already talked about it I just haven't named it the other need is for
00:39:52
authenticity which is to be ourselves connected to our bodies and our gut feelings because again without access to our gut
00:39:59
feelings we don't survive out there in nature where we evolved and where we lived
00:40:05
until 15,000 years ago you and so that authenticity is very important to be
00:40:12
connected to yourself so that you know when you're safe and when you're not uh you know what you want and what you
00:40:18
don't want you know how to say no when you don't want something you know how to say yes when you do that's authenticity
00:40:24
Auto the self being ourselves and to go back to Harry his challenge all his life
00:40:33
was that he wasn't allowed to be authentic he had to play a certain role and fit into a certain set of expectations of how to be and who to be
00:40:41
and he could never figure out who am I really you know in that context but that's so General so many of us face
00:40:47
that challenge of who are we really who are we authentically as opposed to what's expected of us now so we have
00:40:54
these two needs attachment on the one hand authenticity in the
00:40:59
other ideally the two are not in Conflict ideally you can be in a
00:41:06
relationship or I can be in a relationship where we can be ourselves and be accepted and connected with and
00:41:14
that's ideal all our lives but what happens to a young child where if
00:41:19
they're authentic they're not accepted so for example um certain psychologists
00:41:26
recommend that angry children should be uh punished for their anger rather than
00:41:33
their anger being understood as to what it's all about and the child being taught different ways to express it they
00:41:40
just to be punished for it and by different ways by the way if you're a parent over
00:41:47
two-year-old and if you don't frustrate your child you're probably not doing a good job cuz your 2-year-old may want a
00:41:53
cookie before dinner and you say no cookie before dinner I want a cookie you know in a minute they're thrwing a
00:42:00
tantrum cuz what do even adults do when they're frustrated they throw Tantrums children that's just what they
00:42:06
do they have no self-regulation yet so the 2-year-old gets
00:42:11
upset now you punish them you give them a message you're not acceptable to me
00:42:17
when you're anger when you're angry you have to be a certain way for me to accept you or you mustn't be sad cheer
00:42:24
up what's you know what's wrong with you you you know so when children are given
00:42:30
this message of conditionality that you're acceptable to me only if you
00:42:37
behave in ways that I approve of otherwise the attachment relationship is
00:42:43
threatened then the child is faced with this Choice which is not a choice at all
00:42:48
do I stay attached to my parents if my par if my father's an alcoholic and uh the only way I can find
00:42:58
acceptance is by repressing my emotions and not show my sadness and my fear then
00:43:04
do I show my sadness and my fear or my anger or do I threaten the relationship
00:43:11
well there's no choice at all the child will choose the attachment and therefore they give up
00:43:18
connection to themselves which is the essence of trauma that disconnection from ourselves not in my own words in
00:43:25
the words of other trauma theorists um who I agree with the worst
00:43:30
aspect of trauma is the disconnection from ourselves and we do that for the sake of making maintaining attachments
00:43:36
which means for the rest of our lives we'll be afraid to be ourselves is this what they call people pleases people
00:43:43
exactly so um cherl Crow the American singer musician um developed breast
00:43:50
cancer and she said that since my breast cancer I've been a different person until then I was was always trying to
00:43:56
please others and now and there was used to be voices in my head that always telling me
00:44:01
that I was wrong I don't listen to them anymore you know so that uh people
00:44:07
Pleasers are the ones who gave up not by conscious choice but as a matter of
00:44:13
survival their authenticity in order to stay liked and accepted and attached to
00:44:18
it but then they carry that on in the rest of their lives and they're at risk I always wor for the very nice people I
00:44:25
think this is fascinating I looked at the back end of our YouTube channel and it says that since this channel started
00:44:32
69.9% of you that watch it frequently haven't yet hit the Subscribe button so
00:44:38
I have a favor to ask you if you've ever watched this Channel and enjoyed the content if you're enjoying this episode right now please could I ask a small
00:44:44
favor please hit the Subscribe button helps this channel more than I can explain and I promise if you do that to
00:44:49
return the favor we will make the show better and better and better and better and better that's the promise I'm
00:44:55
willing to make you if you hit the Subscribe button do we have a deal you always worry for the very nice people
00:45:01
yeah you talk a lot about that in when the body says no yeah why is being nice a
00:45:09
potential risk to one's Health well there's two there's two places to be very nice from one is just
00:45:16
genuine human compassion and concern for others but you're still grer than yourself that's
00:45:22
great but a lot of people are very nice because they afraid not to be because
00:45:28
they weren't liked who they were they weren't love for who they were being nice was their way of getting the love and the attention they needed let me
00:45:34
tell you a story in the uh in 1870 there was a French neurologist called Jean
00:45:41
martan shco who was the first one to describe multiple sclerosis which is an
00:45:47
inflammation of the nervous system very debilitating and Sho said in 1870
00:45:54
without any scientific research Arch but just from his own observation that this was a stress-driven
00:46:00
disease okay now since then there's been a lot of research to show how stress and
00:46:06
Trauma potentiate multiple sclerosis uh it's not even controversial not that any
00:46:11
neurologist knows that they don't get taught this stuff in medical school but the research is there and I present it
00:46:16
in in my books in any case when I was writing when the body says no a group of
00:46:23
a self-help group of multiple scos patients phoned me and said would you come and talk to us cuz we understand
00:46:30
you're working on stress and and illness and I said yeah sure I'll come and talk to you and there's about 25 people in
00:46:35
the group this in Vancouver Canada and I gave them very tentatively
00:46:41
apologetically apologetically I said look I don't know this for sure but the sense I get from my work in family
00:46:47
practice and paliative Care is that the people that Des develop your condition and other conditions tend to be people
00:46:53
be Pleasers that they that they tend to have difficulty saying no they tend to be very nice people and I I said you
00:47:00
know I'm sorry if I've offended you I don't mean to I'm just giving you something very tentative I haven't done a research yet I'm just giving you my
00:47:07
observations they said you just described us and they all said that and there's a
00:47:13
woman who says in the group who says I don't even know how to say no I said terrific give me $100 right
00:47:21
now she says well I don't I don't I don't have $100 with me right now I said
00:47:26
it's not a problem I said outside the outside this building there's an ATM machine we can go on after the meeting
00:47:33
we can go out you can get $100 and give it to me she says
00:47:38
uh I'm not comfortable doing that I said listen I'm just trying to get you to say
00:47:45
no to a ridiculous Demand by A Perfect Stranger To whom you you owe nothing
00:47:51
whatsoever she said I can't say the word because in childhood now by the way
00:47:59
when you have kids you're going to find out what the word no means because age one and a half all kids start saying no
00:48:07
they say that long before they say yes why because that know is their boundary
00:48:13
defense of I'll figure out who I am I'm not going to exceed to your demands I need to figure out what I want put your
00:48:19
shoes on no and the parent think this is something wrong there's nothing wrong it's nature individuating the
00:48:27
when families punish that the child will be repressed to no and the body will say
00:48:32
in the form of multiple sclerosis for example Ness ALS amyotrophic lateral
00:48:39
sclerosis or known in Britain as Mor neuron disease um Stephen Hawking was
00:48:45
diagnosed with that at age 21 he was told he'd be dead within 10 2 years he lived another 55 years doctors don't
00:48:52
know everything you know um but there's been studies on ALS patients they're
00:48:58
extraordinarily nice so um there was a from the
00:49:04
Cleveland Clinic in Ohio a major referral Clinic two neurologists published a paper at an international
00:49:11
ALS or motor neuron Congress why are ALS patients so nice and what they describe
00:49:17
was that when people came to their office for diagnosis before they
00:49:22
met the physician they had underwent edx Electro diagnostic testing of the nerves
00:49:28
and the technicians who perform the test would write on the side of the test this person can't have ALS she's not nice
00:49:35
enough or I'm afraid this person has ALS they're too nice and the Physicians the neurologist Specialists said despite the
00:49:42
shortness of their contact with their patients and the obviously unscientific nature of their observations invariably
00:49:49
they turned out to be right and then I called Dr Wilburn who did this study and I said what did the
00:49:56
other what did the other neurologist say when you presented this they said all said yeah we all noticed this we just
00:50:01
can't explain it since then there's been a study where they've asked neurologists about their patients and the answer is
00:50:09
all our alist patients are extraordinar nice now what the neurologists don't do
00:50:15
is they don't make the connection that that re that that that that niess is a repression of healthy anger and that
00:50:21
repression of healthy anger plays a role in the onset of that disease so it's not
00:50:28
a accidental connection so why do I ever about very nice people CU they're putting themselves at
00:50:34
risk again niceness can come from genuine concern for others but that's
00:50:41
not accompanied by an ignoring of yourself you also care for yourself then you can be as nice as you want but you
00:50:48
also know how to say no and you also know how to set boundaries you know how to and you know how to be angry if you
00:50:54
need to be but the niceness that comes from self- repression that's the one
00:50:59
that hurts there's clearly going to be a lot of very nice people hearing that now
00:51:05
that know they're nice that know their people pleases that know they've experienced in their lives the consequences
00:51:11
of putting everyone else before themsel yeah I can it's funny as you were talking I was thinking about the person
00:51:17
that I know who I think is nicest yeah and that individual is sick all the time
00:51:24
yeah and I just connected that dot in my head that I remember making a joke to her about oh you're sick so like
00:51:30
whatever you're sick a lot and then also thinking oh my God she is probably the
00:51:36
nicest nice is an interesting word because that can be misconstrued as like ha well like you know saying nice things
00:51:43
to someone else but it's really at a deeper level from what I've observed in that person putting everyone else before
00:51:49
them or chronically serving other people's needs before their own well so
00:51:55
my contention is as I said earlier when people don't know how to say no the body will say no for them in the form of
00:52:01
illness and and for a lot of people with serious illness the illness is the wakeup call yeah and they actually learn
00:52:08
and when they do that can make a difference to the course of their illness sometimes not always but I've
00:52:13
seen examples of remarkable healing when people learn to say no and stop being
00:52:18
people Pleasers and I just only wish that Physicians understood this so when
00:52:24
somebody comes to them with chronic eczema and all these other chronic conditions they will not just provide
00:52:30
the physical treatment but they will also talk to the person about how much stress do they taking on it's very
00:52:36
stressful to take on everybody else's issues and ignore on your own it's very stressful that stress is a physiological
00:52:42
impact on the body how does someone who is a people pleaser how do they turn
00:52:48
that ship around because it's they'll hear that but because their niess or their people pleasing is so deep within
00:52:54
them and it's started so early they're not going to they're not going to change most of them won't change
00:53:01
well they may change if they get sick you know and if they learn something from it I've had a lot of people tell me
00:53:07
that um but it is happens very early uh but it's everybody's second nature not
00:53:14
their first nature that's it's a very interesting phrase second nature it means that a first nature now no baby is
00:53:20
born as a people pleaser no baby lies there no one day old baby lies they're
00:53:25
thinking gosh um I'm hungry and wet and and and and lonely but gosh Mom and Dad
00:53:32
have been worked so hard I better not bother them you know babies will Express their needs very valuably and very
00:53:39
articulately and very loudly that's how we're born we're meant to be born that way so that this suppression of that is
00:53:47
our second nature and that first nature never goes away we can always retrieve it but you
00:53:54
have become conscious of of it so and when the body says no I lay out certain principles of healing um in the myth of
00:54:01
normal I actually teach this exercise ask yourself this question where in your life are you not saying no where where
00:54:08
no wants to be said but you're not saying it like let me ask give me give you an example let's say I come to
00:54:14
London and and and we're friends and I call you up a Stephen here I am de enough coffee um but you've been up all
00:54:22
night helping a sick friend or otherwise you're just too stressed to
00:54:28
want to meet me right now your desire is to say no but what if
00:54:34
you suppress that no and you say yes for the fear of displeasing me or disappointing me or losing my friendship
00:54:42
if I say no gabo won't like me anymore what's going to be the impact on you if
00:54:47
you keep behaving that way physically what's going to the impact I'm going to be I'm going to be
00:54:54
more time more exhausted probably going to be more stressed all that yeah you
00:54:59
can be disconnected from yeah exactly you know so so it's not this so this
00:55:05
person they need to I teach this exercise in the book about where am I
00:55:10
not saying no and what is my belief behind saying not saying no I don't
00:55:16
upset gabo if he's coming exactly and and and I and I depend on gabor's liking yes you know uh which means as a child
00:55:24
you depend on your parents liking and you had to suppress your nose to be liked thirdly where did I learn this
00:55:30
belief that if I say no I'm not likable or I'm guilty or I'm not worthwhile you
00:55:35
know and the fourth question is um who would I be without that belief you know um and so if your friend
00:55:43
does this exercise regularly believe me she can turn it around but it takes some
00:55:48
practice who would I be without that belief yeah when I put myself in hushes
00:55:54
or I put myself in a people Pleasers shoes I wouldn't I'm a people pleaser in in certain environments but I wouldn't
00:56:00
say I am generally yeah um I can imagine someone would respond to that and say well I'd lose all my friends she'd find
00:56:07
out who her friends really were because the real friends would celebrate they'd say oh finally we're so
00:56:14
glad to see you being yourself the friends that were just using her or weying on her to be their supporter um
00:56:22
unconditionally uh will turn away and I say this to people this contest between
00:56:29
attachment and authenticity can be a painful one but you can decide which kind of pain you want as a child you
00:56:36
have no choice as an adult it's true if you're authentic you might lose some attachment
00:56:42
relationships that's going to be painful but which pain would you rather have the pain of being authentic and losing some
00:56:48
friendships that were no friendships at all or the pain of of of of losing
00:56:54
yourself self and all this implications and all its impacts on the body so um it
00:57:00
it would be difficult for her and true some relationships that she has now that would fade away but my God she would
00:57:08
also attract much more genuine and authentic relationships and her true friends would really celebrate her you
00:57:15
know now let me tell you something that just occurred to me forget it there was a um book written by an Australian nurse
00:57:21
about 12 years ago and she this nurse like I used to work in paliative care with dying people she works with in
00:57:27
hospice with dying people and these are people who tend to die of of malignancy and chronic illness well before their
00:57:34
time and she wrote a book called The the top five regrets of dying people for you
00:57:40
why and uh you know what the top regret was that I wasn't being
00:57:45
myself that I wasn't true to myself I wasn't being authentic that's a top reget of dying people and and the um the
00:57:54
third one was that I didn't express my feelings for fear of disturbing or or
00:57:59
displeasing others so authenticity is not just a new age concept it's actually
00:58:04
a central dynamic in staying healthy human beings oh one more thing so yesterday I
00:58:12
was in Westminster Abby and I was looking at all these
00:58:18
beautifully articulately worded monuments to all these
00:58:23
colonialists to all the people that oppressed and
00:58:29
murdered and robbed and despoiled native people all over the
00:58:35
world they're the heroes of the British Empire and I think one of the reasons
00:58:42
there's such a strong push back against the idea of trauma in this Society is if
00:58:47
you recognize trauma which exists not only on the personal individual level but very much on the collective level
00:58:55
the ruling Elites in this country would have to come to turns with the fact that their wealth is based on the
00:59:01
traumatization of forign peoples which incidentally was one of the crimes of
00:59:06
Harry is that he pointed that out that that that let's face it the royalty the
00:59:12
wealth that I was born into was achieved at the Des spoilation and oppression of
00:59:18
people around the world so trauma is not just a personal issue it's very much a
00:59:24
social and Collective and historical issue what's the cure you know CU if we're if we're many of us are byproducts
00:59:30
of generational trauma and we're seeking different ways to ease our pain through through the means of addiction whether
00:59:36
it's pornography or heroin or alcohol um we can't all afford expensive
00:59:45
therapists but we exhibit those self-destructive Behavior patterns maybe every single day maybe with social media
00:59:51
addictions or whatever yeah what do we do unfortunately uh the Health Care Systems
00:59:58
around the world um have very poor appreciation of the emotional
01:00:03
contribution to people's physical or mental ill health and most Physicians
01:00:09
and most psychiatrists are not trained in it unfortunately there's a huge um
01:00:15
gap between science and research on the one hand and Medical Practice on the other it's maddening sometimes to
01:00:21
contemplate it um so the first step would be to educate
01:00:26
the the caregivers just educate doctors about the actual science of the Mind Body
01:00:32
Connection and the impacts of trauma educate them so when you go to a
01:00:37
physician with um say chronic fatigue or um inflammation of your
01:00:44
joints they don't just give you the necessary medication which I'm not against but they also ask you what's
01:00:50
going on you know so that's the first thing thing second thing is let's
01:00:56
prevent the problem so let's support young families to be really there for
01:01:01
their kids so that families don't have to struggle economically and their parents are so
01:01:08
stressed um as I may have mentioned I forgotten now when parents are emotionally
01:01:14
stressed economically stressed according to a number of studies the kids stress horal levels are
01:01:21
[Music] abnormal and that is a Harbinger or future
01:01:27
disease and so let's look after young families let's make people feel secure
01:01:33
uncertainty lack of control uh lack of information these are some of the
01:01:39
drivers of physiological stress so let's create a society where there's a more sense of mutual acceptance and
01:01:46
communality and and and social support you know let teachers be educated that
01:01:53
the kids who are so-called misbehaving or kids who are actually troubled
01:01:58
troubled because of stuff at home and that the solution is not to exclude them or to punish them but to actually give
01:02:06
them emotional support in the classroom and in the schools let the schools be
01:02:11
the human brain I'm quoting a Harvard study develops um from before birth it's a
01:02:20
ongoing process that begins before birth and continues into adulthood the necessary conditions for human brain
01:02:27
development is safe uh supportive emotional relationship with adults let
01:02:33
everybody who deals with children from social workers to teachers to daycare workers to kindergarten um supervisors
01:02:40
to to parents understand the emotional needs of kids and and provide that safety uh let the justice system
01:02:48
so-called about which there's very little just um uh in Canada
01:02:55
50% of the women in jail are indigenous they make up 6% of the population 50% of
01:03:01
the jail population you call that Justice you take the most traumatized people who then act out their traumas
01:03:08
and then you punish them for it so let the medical system let the educational system let the legal system understand
01:03:15
Child Development and Trauma now in terms of the adult to answer your question more specifically so there's a
01:03:22
social answer mhm but then there the individual answer yeah a lot of people can't afford
01:03:28
good therapy it's true it's expensive and and and even there's a lot of people who are get therapy but not getting
01:03:34
appropriate therapy well if you can't afford therapy go to the library read some
01:03:40
books my own but not just my own I could rattle have five other books you should
01:03:45
read read dick schwarz's uh book on internal family systems called no bad parts read Bessel Vander CO's book on
01:03:52
trauma called the body keep score read Peter lavine's book waking the Tiger on
01:03:58
trauma read Oprah Winfrey's and BR Perry book what happened to you read boo prayers book uh called uh the boy who
01:04:06
was raised as a dog um I'm interviewing pet Laine oh you have oh good oh good
01:04:13
wonderful I'm glad to hear that he's one of my mentors and friends and we often work together uh so there and and and
01:04:21
all of these books will have some advice about how to help yourself including my
01:04:27
books then there's a lot of stuff on internet so this uh the interview that
01:04:33
you and I had a year ago I checked this morning has been seen by two and a half million people I'm sure it's helped a
01:04:39
lot of people is a lot that you can get just you know freely nobody's going to get charged you know on the YouTube um
01:04:47
lots of my talks are available lots of Talks by other really good people are available do that there are self-help
01:04:53
groups of all kinds um is there a risk here this is what the the one side of
01:04:59
the narrative sometimes argue that you can kind of over traumatize your life in
01:05:05
terms of over overlab everything that you do as a trauma so you know and I
01:05:11
mean that that always happens right when when people become aware of something
01:05:17
they become over aware and they start overlab and saying that's a trauma response that's a trauma response that's a trauma response and they kind of live
01:05:23
with a feeling that they are inherently broken yeah but my point is that nobody's broken um actually I talked
01:05:31
about our first nature that's always there when people recover it's an
01:05:36
interesting word recovery what does it mean to recover when you recover something what
01:05:41
are you doing going back to you're finding it oh yeah I'm true yeah that's
01:05:47
the definition of the word isn't it what do people find when they recover they find their true selves that's what
01:05:52
they'll tell you that two yourself never went away nobody's damaged goods nobody's broken to talk about trauma is
01:05:59
not to disempower people but to empower them if I learn that my response to the
01:06:04
British media and the hairy issue was actually it's nothing to
01:06:12
do with the present moment it's actually some old programming oh okay now I can
01:06:18
drop it are you glad it happened I'm glad that everything happened cuz everything is learning nothing in this
01:06:24
this life is wasted if you know how to use it properly and um so what I'm saying is that to to to be aware of
01:06:31
trauma is not to lose power but to gain it because it's not an excuse I can't keep going to my wife and saying I'm
01:06:37
being resentful of you and and punishing you because my mother didn't take good care of me when I was a baby because she
01:06:43
was too stressed you know I mean that that that's lack of
01:06:48
responsibility but for me to understand that my demands on my wife to take care of me me like a motherhood of a baby
01:06:56
actually is my trauma response then I can drop it cuz I'm not a baby anymore I don't need I'm not that helpless I'm not
01:07:04
that resourceless um I'm not that um ungrounded so that when you recognize
01:07:11
trauma it's not in order to use it as an excuse but to actually to overcome it that's the whole point when we talked
01:07:18
about the suppression of our emotions and anger you use the word healthy anger yeah when you you know cuz there's a
01:07:24
there's a risk isn't there when you're saying that anger can be a positive thing that people will then assume that
01:07:29
berating someone behind a counter or a waitress in a restaurant because they
01:07:34
got one item on your order wrong is standing up for your boundaries I've done
01:07:40
it no it's not so healthy anger is in a moment and it's just the boundary
01:07:46
defense it's not outrage it's you're in my space get out that's its purpose
01:07:53
that's its only purpose or to protect something like a um you want to see anger
01:08:00
um try and tell a mother bear not to uh be close to their ba to their cubs you
01:08:07
know you'll find out what healthy mother anger is all about you know that's just healthy the kind of Rage you're talking
01:08:14
about have you ever had that kind of Rage definitely on a spectrum I've got
01:08:20
I've got so the reason I struggle with the answer is because I've got a friend that's fully shown me what the that's
01:08:25
the extreme side of that is where we used to call it the Red Mist with him where he would literally lose control
01:08:31
which is incidentally what ha used to call his anger oh really yeah yeah yeah my friend so my friend um my friend one
01:08:37
of my best friends in the world he talks about this all the time is he had you could trigger him by saying something
01:08:43
usually by saying he was wrong about something yeah or something like that
01:08:48
and then he would just lose it so I remember the first the last time it
01:08:54
happened was when the pandemic rolled in I was staying with him uh in his
01:09:00
apartment because the lockdown and I was living in America at the time and we were discussing the virus and I said to
01:09:06
him um I think people that are older and that have certain Health um situations
01:09:13
are more at risk and he said to me no people that are younger are more at risk and I said and I showed it an NHS um
01:09:20
website which said no it's people that were older at more at risk yeah and he just went into this Red Mist okay where
01:09:25
he was totally triggered and lost control of his emotions okay so if you observed them then what you would have noticed is remember what I said about
01:09:32
healthy anger it's in the present moment once it's done his job it's gone yeah your friend the anger he gets the anger
01:09:38
he gets yeah so the the rage just keeps building on itself now we talk about a fit of anger it's a good word you know
01:09:45
where else we talk about fits is epileptic fits in epileptic fits certain
01:09:51
electrical miswiring in the brain then recruits other brain circuits and it gets more and more and more until hold
01:09:58
the whole body shaking and the person may even lose Consciousness and soil themselves and so on that's an epileptic
01:10:04
fit a fit of anger is the same that that a fit of rage is the same so that the
01:10:10
more severe it gets the more brain circuits it recruits so rather than expending itself doing its job and then
01:10:18
being gone it actually gets worse and worse and worse that's unhealthy anger and triggering is a good word
01:10:24
because look at what the word triggering means now if you look at a weapon how big a part of the weapon is the
01:10:31
trigger this big for the trigger to set off anything there has to be ammunition
01:10:36
there there has to be um explosive material there so your friend is carrying a lot
01:10:44
of explosive material I can tell you your friend never felt understood or validated as a child and he's still
01:10:51
carrying the Rage of that so you trigger him and then by disagreeing with him and
01:10:57
all the pain of invalidation and All the Rage of not being understood now gets triggered and recruits more and More's
01:11:04
brain circuit now I can tell you something healthy anger is essential for our physical Integrity that rage in the
01:11:12
Abode in the in the aftermath of a rage episode your risk of a heart attack or stroke doubles for for the next two
01:11:19
hours according to studies because what happens your blood pressure goes up your
01:11:24
blood vessels narrow and the clotting factors in your blood increase so of course you're at more risk so the
01:11:29
repression of anger can lead to chronic illness but so can rage lead to uh heart
01:11:35
attacks and uh and strokes and so on so anger is a delicate thing should I tell
01:11:41
you something about my friend that we found out because he then went to a childhood psychologist oh good
01:11:47
understand himself and that's why I said that was the last time so you can imagine that was three years ago the pandemic two three years ago he went to
01:11:53
a childhood psychologist and what they uncovered through their work was that as a kid he he was not only um a foot
01:12:00
shorter than all the other kids yeah but he was both dyslexic and struggled a lot intellectually so um the people around
01:12:06
him and on his report card basically called him stupid as a child and then he
01:12:12
actually found a I think he found a text message at some point between his mom and his Nan where they were diminishing
01:12:17
his chances of success and he grew up with this deep sense of like I am not
01:12:24
intelligent a deep deep sense of it and it's come out in all of these ways as an adult and that you're right that's what
01:12:31
was coming out in that moment I was challenging I was taking him back probably well and you know what again to come back to Harry that's what happened
01:12:37
to him they called him stupid and thickle and naughty and he was none of none of those
01:12:45
things he just had trouble of concentrating and paying attention because of all the stress my friend has ADHD as well yeah
01:12:52
yeah and and so in his book he describes that he''s been told he had post-traumatic stress I didn't diagnose
01:12:57
him with all this stuff it's in this book I said you know what but I think given the how you you were distracted as
01:13:03
a kid you trouble paying attention um they called you
01:13:08
stupid this is ADD and um I wasn't saying he's got a disease I was saying
01:13:15
you actually that was a normal response that you had to an abnormal situation where you under a lot of stress and they
01:13:22
made you wrong for it they call you naughty they call you stupid they called you thicko you're not any of that now
01:13:28
the whole bunch of British psychiatrists got their knickers tied in a knot CU I made that diagnosis you know um my God
01:13:36
people I was saying to the guy you don't have a disease you have a normal response to have no circumstances you
01:13:44
were not stupid ever but but children and undergo this character assassination
01:13:49
like you offended and imagine the rage inside him so when when you disagree with him you're triggering all
01:13:56
that it's just that's just how it works now interestingly enough people calls me
01:14:02
stupid that's not a trigger for me yeah it's not for me because I know I'm not you know I I always grew up with a sense
01:14:08
of my own intelligence not to overstate it but I know never had any doubt about it but certain things you can do yeah
01:14:16
like not see me and that'll trigger me and for context for anybody that doesn't
01:14:22
know why you not being seen triggers you well look I was born you know may
01:14:30
have mentioned this last year so I was born two months before the Nazis occupied Budapest then they started
01:14:36
Exterminating all the Hungarian Jews so literally my life was under threat because they didn't see me as a human
01:14:42
being they saw me as Vermin you know now not that I knew that directly but my
01:14:47
mother can you imagine what it was like for her to have a two-month-old and living under the risk of death all the
01:14:54
time for a whole year and then as I mentioned before she gave me to a stranger to save my life
01:15:02
and I didn't see her for five weeks well that's not being seen and my father's not there to see me cuz he's in forc
01:15:08
labor so literally not being seen threatened my life so no wonder when
01:15:15
people uh when that happens now you know that for me is the trigger no the of
01:15:22
course the answer is is to see myself if I fully see myself it doesn't
01:15:29
matter whether you see me or not you know so if you see me if you're not seeing me if you're
01:15:37
distorting who I am in your mind and in your words bothers me it's only because
01:15:42
I'm still on you uh at other people to see me because
01:15:48
I don't know how to see myself if I'm fully confident in myself I say gee it's too bad you know uh Stephen doesn't see
01:15:55
me well maybe could talk it talk about it or maybe he'll never understand it
01:16:00
but I don't live in his mind how do I fully see myself it's hard to do right
01:16:06
it's it's it's hard to do because when you were seen it's not hard
01:16:11
to do because you children see themselves through their parents' eyes
01:16:16
yeah but when you were not seen then you have to learn it this is one of the
01:16:22
things to go back to meditation that's not the only way first of all notice all the ways that you're not seeing yourself
01:16:29
like two days ago when I had this anxiety about how I may I didn't give my best talk on Monday evening you know
01:16:35
what I did my best may not have been perfect but I prepared for it I put myself out there for two hours and um I
01:16:43
spoke a lot of Truth might have been the best but so what but but but at that moment I wasn't
01:16:50
seeing myself you know I can still lose it so meditation which is really the form of
01:16:56
meditation that at least I am learning is about just noticing and seeing what's
01:17:01
going on inside without judgment so being aware so it's practice
01:17:06
and do you also suggest removing the things from your life that will stop you from seeing
01:17:13
yourself like social media well because that can be a lot of
01:17:19
I can't remove social media from my life but what I can remove is my attachment to it for example I don't have to look at
01:17:27
the comments on all my Talks on YouTube who says what who likes it who doesn't
01:17:33
like it you know I'm not on Facebook I don't have a I have a professional Facebook page but I don't administer it
01:17:41
um but people go on Facebook and who says what who likes me who doesn't like
01:17:46
me you know they can wean themselves off that so we may not be able to stay off
01:17:52
social media um to write my books thank God for the internet but I don't have to
01:18:00
be attached to it so it's it's it's it's using it but not letting it use you which is very hard a new podcast
01:18:08
sponsor that I'm super excited to talk about with all of you is LinkedIn jobs hiring as I would know is one of the
01:18:14
most important steps in your business without good people there is no company trust me I found out along the way that
01:18:21
your business is nothing without good people you want to be 100% certain though that you have access to the best
01:18:28
candidates available and that's why you have to check out LinkedIn jobs LinkedIn jobs helps you to find the right people
01:18:34
for your team faster and for free so when I'm expanding my team LinkedIn is
01:18:39
my first Port of Call I'd highly recommend it on LinkedIn jobs posting a job is super easy and you can add a
01:18:45
purple hash hiring frame around your LinkedIn profile to spread the word LinkedIn jobs helps you find the
01:18:50
qualified candidates you want to talk to faster post your job for free at linkedin.com
01:18:58
doac that's linkedin.com doac to post your job for free terms and
01:19:04
conditions apply as you may know this podcast is sponsored by hu if you're living under a rock you might have missed that I discovered hu's RTD about
01:19:11
four years ago hueles RTD is basically a meal in a bottle it is nutritionally
01:19:16
complete it contains 26 of your essential vitamins and minerals it's got your protein in there 20 gram of prot
01:19:22
protein it's got slow relase energy in there in the form of those slow relase carbs it's just nutritionally complete
01:19:28
not only have I got a good relationship with it in terms of health but it saves my life in terms of those busy days
01:19:34
where there's a higher probability of me reaching for something I might regret if you haven't tried heels RTD you could
01:19:39
probably seen it in a couple of supermarkets but you can order it online and the link is in the description below let me know which flavor is your
01:19:45
favorite and also tell me if it ends up adding value to your life in the form of making you nutritionally complete on
01:19:50
those difficult days the other so social media and all of these things these stimuli they I feel like they've I'm
01:19:57
concerned that many of us are living in a state of chronic stress
01:20:02
mild background stress yeah and I say that a lot because the amount of times
01:20:07
that I catch myself I spoke to James Nester who talks a lot about breathing in breath um and the amount of times that I now catch myself very shallow in
01:20:15
breath after just looking at my my phone or thinking about
01:20:20
something yeah get my SK SM back into me in bed at 1:00 a.m. as I'm trying to sleep Catch My Breath being shallow
01:20:26
during this podcast when I start thinking about something my breath gets really shallow looking at my phone my breath gets really shallow I live in
01:20:32
this I feel like I'm living in this state of like constant subtle background
01:20:37
stress yeah well I'm I'm glad you mentioned breath because um it's one of
01:20:43
the to go back to the question of what people can do for themselves they can learn to breathe and eart to was a
01:20:49
spiritual teacher um he said says that um rather than go to Retreats and
01:20:57
therapists just take a few conscious breaths several times a day if I mean not that not to dismiss the other but
01:21:04
that's more important than anything else and interestingly enough the Buddha when
01:21:09
he was teaching his monks in fact one of the Buddha's assistants Ananda asked him
01:21:16
um oh holy one do you still meditate and he said yes and what kind of meditation
01:21:21
do you practice says and and uh Buddha says observing the breath so in Buddhist Meditation I'm not
01:21:29
here to advocate for any particular pathway and I'm not a practitioner of any religion but hey this this this is
01:21:38
very wise man um he thought awareness of breath is
01:21:43
the most important portal into into reality what do you think the the antidote is for the way we've designed
01:21:51
Our Lives to be con Conant in this sort of stressful stimulation and cuz we're clearly I was just wondering if human
01:21:57
beings are supposed to enjoy this much constant stimulus and stress in their lives and with you know chronic
01:22:03
inflammation and all these kinds of things are now killing people at alarming rates that the you know the the
01:22:08
diseases that are caused by inflammation what can we do about our stress and is is it okay maybe it's
01:22:15
okay well um it's the norm so you can say it's normal is it okay well the the
01:22:22
question question is to be answered by looking at what the impacts are and what
01:22:27
are the impacts you know the impacts are very serious for um you can see it on
01:22:33
the individual level in terms of mental health conditions as I said earlier are burgeoning
01:22:38
internationally um a imun conditions are uh but if you look at on also on the
01:22:44
social level there's more conflict there's more um division there's more uh
01:22:51
intolerance in our culture than it has been for quite a while these are the impacts of the stressful culture that we
01:22:57
live in so is it okay yeah if you want if you want this it's okay but if you
01:23:03
don't it's not okay it depends what you want relationships yeah romantic
01:23:09
relationships yeah um thought a lot about the role that our trauma plays in our ability to form relationships
01:23:16
obviously society's changed quite profoundly in the last couple of decades different sort of gender transformation
01:23:22
have caused certain mismatches and difficulties with people connecting the world has gone very digital now so
01:23:28
dating apps run run a lot of dating I think 50% of people originally meet online that's their first point of
01:23:34
contact dating is very very hard for people and there's a lot of people that are kind of giving up on it um
01:23:39
attachment dating trauma um I've come to learn that we are mirrors I think I
01:23:45
found love in my life when not when I discovered anything externally but when
01:23:51
I did a lot of work to figure out the the barriers that were standing in my way of connection well you just answered
01:23:58
your own question oh really yeah we can't form proper relationships until we
01:24:03
have the capacity to be alone and be comfortable with ourselves
01:24:08
you know and the more comfortable you can be alone which is different from being lonely by the way um the more
01:24:15
capacity to be at you to be to be allow to be with yourself and to gr yourself
01:24:20
in your own truth the more likely able to form meaningful and positive relationships and rather than asking the
01:24:28
a lot of people run into relationships to solve their problems then there's the initial in love phase where everything
01:24:34
is just ideal you know and then reality hits and then all of a sudden that
01:24:39
person who you're so infatuated with becomes your enemy and you hate them so much you know I mean I've experienced
01:24:48
such hatred for my wife over the years and uh when I've been disappointed or
01:24:55
dissatisfied you know because I was looking to her to fill me with and
01:25:01
nobody can fill you from the outside so so once you no longer need it
01:25:07
um once you no longer are dependent on it then you can enter into a healthy
01:25:14
relationship or to put it more positively a relationship can be a real
01:25:21
ground for Mutual growth both so you can enter into a relationship you're not going to be
01:25:27
perfect you're never going to be perfect um Carry certain degree of trauma certain degree of dysfunction certain
01:25:33
things that trigger you as we said earlier but you but if both people are committed to the truth which my wife Ray
01:25:39
and I have been I mean that's one thing you can say about ourselves you know for all the stuff that we've been through
01:25:45
ultimately the truth mattered more than who's right and who's wrong so if you're committed to the truth and working it
01:25:51
out and if the fundamental love is there then you can grow together and so for me
01:25:58
the relationship has been the most important growth growing ground of my life not the therapy that I've had or
01:26:04
the reading that I've done uh not that I'm dismissing any of that but the actual relationship has been my um most
01:26:13
important schooling in in in in how to become authentic there's no real chance of a
01:26:18
good relationship if one or more parties in that relationship aren't committed to truth and they're committed to being
01:26:25
right or to Victory or it happens all the time as I said earlier people always
01:26:30
meet at the same level of of of of um emotional development or trauma
01:26:36
resolution so that water finding its own level but when one person starts growing
01:26:42
and the other doesn't it becomes impossible either the person that does
01:26:47
the growing gives it up and goes back to their previous selves which is almost impossible or the other person is
01:26:53
challenged to start growing themselves or they're going to split that that's just what's going to
01:26:59
happen and again to go back to the situation between men and women this is
01:27:04
what tends to happen and I've seen it in my own marriage I've seen it in as
01:27:10
a physician as an observer of human beings the couple are kind of getting
01:27:15
along but then the children come along now the mother's caring energy has to go
01:27:20
towards the children where it needs to go the father may feel now a bit of a
01:27:29
their NOS is a bit out of joint cuz now they're not getting the attention and now the woman has a decision to make do
01:27:36
I look after the 3-day old baby or the three-month old baby or do I look after the 35y old baby and to the extent that
01:27:45
the mother chooses to look after the 35y old baby she's depriving the 3-month-old
01:27:50
a lot L of women then make a choice that I need to look after my kids and I can't put all this caring energy mothering
01:27:58
caring energy into my husband anymore and then relationships get into trouble because the guys can't stand it I've
01:28:04
seen this over and over and over I'm not saying it's Universal but it's very
01:28:10
common sex in your practice I imagine you've come across this quite quite
01:28:16
often where there's a sexless relationship and that's causing issues what is typically
01:28:22
the true cause of that um that disconnect in the in the with intimacy
01:28:28
with sex in the bedroom because a lot of people are struggling with that yeah well first of all I think um today we
01:28:35
jump into sexuality way too early in other words um we talk about intimacy
01:28:43
but intimacy really means the innermost and we tend to have physical intimacy before we have emotional
01:28:49
intimacy so that um people jump to bed rather quickly I'm not being PR I'm not being prudish here I'm not prescribing
01:28:58
that you should only get have sex when you get married or anything like that but when we enter into sexuality early
01:29:05
without the emotional intimacy and emotional authenticity then the sex become divorc
01:29:11
becomes divorced from our uh our real needs and especially for
01:29:17
women who tend to I can't speak of everybody but in general women tend want to have more
01:29:25
intimacy emotionally um that becomes very hard and if the emotional intimacy doesn't
01:29:31
follow sex becomes rather mechanical becomes mechanical yeah um so that's one
01:29:37
big reason the other reason we already talked about this sort of parenting dynamic between the genders yeah uh no I
01:29:43
know we're only talking about the two major genders now there's all kinds of gender variations these days and uh but
01:29:49
these Dynamics exist in all kinds of contexts so that when my partner is doing all the emotional caring or most
01:29:55
of the emotional caring this is parent child relationship that really deadens the sexual drive you know Marissa Pier
01:30:02
sorry Marissa Pier she's a a psychologist she actually said to me the other day never call your partner mommy
01:30:09
or daddy yeah for this very reason yeah well oh good that's that's a good way to put
01:30:15
it I I think it's because we um we put sexuality um in this Society of course
01:30:22
just glorify sexuality you know and if you look at some of the most famous sex symbols who
01:30:29
were they um Abused Women you like a Marilyn Monroe deeply traumatized child
01:30:36
and abused as an adult by President Kennedy
01:30:41
and just about everybody and she was the the woman every want to sleep with you
01:30:49
know so that this really distorted sexuality here here and for women
01:30:54
especially uh safety is so important for sexuality yeah um we talk about frigid
01:31:00
women um but when do people freeze it's a fear response it's nobody's true
01:31:07
nature it's just a response and usually something happened to them or something is happening now so that that unmelting
01:31:14
can happen in a condition of safety and then the intimacy the emotional intimacy is there which creates the safety for
01:31:22
the sexual opening and that's the dynamic in my marriage as well you know uh you know what my wife what my wife
01:31:28
says she says truth is sexy such a good point yeah is there
01:31:36
anything in your practice that you're increasingly being confronted with in the last couple of years that you
01:31:42
weren't seeing as much as when you first started what I see out there is increasing distress in this society and
01:31:49
and people are more confused and young people are just so challenged and uh in
01:31:55
the United States the the rate of childhood suicide is going up you know uh suicide you know um more and more
01:32:03
kids are being medicated for all kinds of conditions um in the US 70% of the adult population
01:32:10
is at least on one medication um um quarter of women at
01:32:16
least in the US or on anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications those numbers are growing
01:32:21
Europe in Britain as well from all the statistic that I see so I see is a a growing um manifestations of of of
01:32:29
distress what I call a toxic culture I see that all the time and look uh I mean
01:32:35
the fact that this book The Mython normal is being published in North Macedonia and Thailand in Vietnam and in
01:32:41
northern Europe and in Eastern Europe and it just worldwide there's this epidemic of distress that's what I'm
01:32:49
seeing and I'm saying saying people either we can look upon this as some
01:32:55
unexplainable Misfortune and bad luck or we can actually look for the actual
01:33:00
causes of it in the way that relate to each other in a way that we raise our children in a way that we approach
01:33:07
ourselves and I'm saying that Solutions are possible but yeah the world is getting more and more difficult for a
01:33:14
lot of people I do see that and I don't think it's going to get better anytime soon you're not
01:33:20
optimistic so n Chomsky once said that uh when he was
01:33:26
asked if he's optimistic or pessimistic he says uh he says strategically I'm an
01:33:31
optimist and tactically I'm a pessimist which means that in the long term I do believe in people I mean and I
01:33:37
understand the same way I do believe in human beings I do believe in the human capacity to to grow to transform to to
01:33:45
come to a deeper grounded sanity in themselves both on individual and a social level I do believe in that that
01:33:51
if I didn't believe that I would just stay at home and read books and listen to music um I do believe in that I'm
01:33:59
optimistic in that sense but at the same time I think in the short term it's getting darker and darker and you can
01:34:06
see that Sony manifestations of that so yeah I am optimistic I believe in humanity and human beings and I think we
01:34:13
have a hard road to to travel before we get to
01:34:20
our better sense of self and I have to close this
01:34:25
conversation by seeking some solutions you use the word Solutions there and you
01:34:31
talked about this better sense of self on we've talked about this from a social level what governments can do to change
01:34:37
education systems and on an individual level on a family
01:34:43
level what can what can I do well um first of all you you need to
01:34:51
Define what your actual goals are okay so let me try I want to be I want to do work that
01:34:58
serves others I want to do work that I um I find fulfilling and that keeps me
01:35:05
challenged yeah and I want to which incidentally serves your health because it's been shown that people that live a
01:35:11
life of purpose and meaning they're physiologically healthier I want to be healthy because I want to do all of
01:35:16
these things for longer yeah um I want to have relationships that are full and true and raw and
01:35:24
honest okay um and I want to I think that's it that's the work in
01:35:31
personal and then I want to raise a family that is beautiful and pure and
01:35:38
free of as much trauma as I can possibly make them be and I want to be close to
01:35:43
my children in a way that I wasn't close to my parents yeah well then the question you're going to you have to ask
01:35:49
yourself is um what factors in your life support those goals and what don't what
01:35:56
activities are you engaged in that will support those aims what will undermine them and uh seek to diminish or
01:36:04
eliminate the ones that are undermining your goals and uh and and strengthen the ones that are supporting it you know
01:36:11
that's what it is and um you know and your intentions by the way are
01:36:18
not only superficially the ones you articulate if I want to know your real intentions I have to look at how you
01:36:24
live your life not what you say about it so when I was a young parent if you had
01:36:30
asked me what is your goal what's your intention I would have said it's the happiness of my children and I would
01:36:36
have said that totally sincerely if you have looked at how I live my life as a workolic doctor not
01:36:43
available to my kids always out there looking for being important and serving
01:36:48
others and and and and and you know being at the center Center of people's lives because I was so essential to them
01:36:55
my actual intention was self-importance my stated intention the the the happiness of my
01:37:03
children as much as I would have meant it sincerely did not jve with how I was
01:37:09
living my life so what you need to ask yourself is what anybody needs to ask themselves
01:37:15
is look at your intentions both the conscious ones and also the ones show up
01:37:21
when you look at how you actually live your life and bring the two into alignment so look at again what serves
01:37:28
your intentions and what undermines it and look at that seriously that would be
01:37:34
my answer it's so difficult to distinguish between the two sometimes because I mean on the surface the the
01:37:42
the system you gave there are actually looking at how I'm allocating my time and is my time being allocated towards
01:37:48
things that would further what I'm saying my intent are it's a very useful exercise to run but you know as I said
01:37:56
those things that I said as my stated goals I do find a disconnect I think I
01:38:02
think those things have been handed to us when we when you ask them when they're goals they will say things that
01:38:07
will make the person asking the question think well of them because there's one goal that you didn't
01:38:13
state which is I stayed away from the selfish goals no what's what what's the
01:38:18
one I didn't say inner peace
01:38:24
because without inner peace you're not going to be able to serve any of those goals properly or if you were you do it
01:38:29
at some risk to yourself and so um how would that be for you as a goal inner
01:38:37
peace and then if running around serving others in the name of this so-called
01:38:43
higher goal undermines you ear a peace then you're not on the right track
01:38:50
and you know I'm talking to I'm talking to myself MH talking to me as well yeah yeah yeah inner peace is not a selfish
01:38:57
goal uh it's from position of safety sorry a position of inner peace that we
01:39:02
can speak compassionately and truthfully to others that we can um serve our other
01:39:09
goals but you know echar toally talks about our inner purpose and our external purpose and you stated a bunch of
01:39:16
external purposes and that's why there's the dis I believe if I the diagnosis but
01:39:23
or the analysis but but that's why that disconnect that you mentioned cuz the
01:39:28
goals that you stated were largely external mhm and what are the internal goals in a pieace very good yeah now you
01:39:36
have to put that into the mix and once once you do I don't believe that now
01:39:41
nobody handed that to you I just I think this is the issue with Workaholics is we think that the
01:39:47
path to Inner Peace is just by aiming at the external goals like I think I think
01:39:53
maybe at some level that's what I believe Workaholics think they can work their way or validate external validate
01:39:59
or trophy their way or number one book their way too in a piece because
01:40:04
temporarily when your book shows up as number one on the bestsellers list or shows up at all you feel some inner
01:40:09
peace but it's addictive and uh there's a wonderful physician and researcher
01:40:16
Vince fiti um who studied childood trauma quite a bit and um showing its relationship to adult negative outcomes
01:40:24
and he said it's hard to get enough of something that almost works and uh so yeah you can get that
01:40:32
temporary inner peace but look at the long-term consequences of the work holism it's not inner peace I can tell
01:40:38
you that you know I can tell you after a long experience doesn't matter even how successful you are there we started to
01:40:44
conversation with this it's never going to give you inner peace inner peace doesn't come from the outside that's not
01:40:50
a goal anybody have handed to you that's something that you have to come to yourself you know this how are you
01:40:57
acting in line with what you know are you are you doing it well you know
01:41:03
what um I'm not going to give myself 100% by any means I mean just look at
01:41:09
this week but I'm doing so much better than I ever did and I'm so much more comfortable about it and so much more
01:41:15
comfortable about the future as well you know I am what is the uh one thing that
01:41:21
we didn't discuss that maybe is the most important thing for my audience that are
01:41:26
listening right now
01:41:32
that not that we should impose suffering on any children or anybody in order to teach them anything life will bring its
01:41:38
own suffering but when suffering comes along there's two things we can do with it um
01:41:46
we can try and just get rid of it not to feel it to numb ourselves
01:41:51
or we can actually learn from it so suffering and pain can be big teachers if we know how to relate to them so when
01:41:59
illness comes along when a crisis comes along in your life you might notice that the Chinese word for for crisis is made
01:42:06
up of two character letters meaning uh danger and opportunity really so when
01:42:12
there's a crisis there's danger but there's also opportunity to learn and to
01:42:17
grow and um there's such a thing as growing older in other words not just
01:42:22
getting older but actually growing older and actually still keep growing as
01:42:28
you get older and that growing older actually has to do with becoming more
01:42:33
and more authentic to yourself so sometimes I do that successfully sometimes I don't but that's really the
01:42:40
journey and I'd recommend that journey to everybody you can actually grow older in in other words you don't have to
01:42:46
shrink you can actually grow when you said the word growth there
01:42:51
it reminded me of something you said in a topic we haven't actually talked about which I did want to speak to you about which was vulnerability yeah I remember you making
01:42:58
this interesting connection I saw it somewhere online between vulnerability and and growth yeah and vulnerability is
01:43:04
a risk for a lot of people it's always felt like a risk for me so vulnerability comes from the Latin word vulnerary to
01:43:11
wound to wound yeah that's vulnerary to wound and so as human beings or is any
01:43:19
living creature we're all profoundly vulnerable from the moment that we're conceived to the moment we die we can be
01:43:27
wounded we can be wounded physically we can wounded emotionally that's just a given
01:43:33
um when children are safe and seen and
01:43:40
understood they can accept their vulnerability because they have the confidence that they can um deal with it
01:43:48
but when children are traumatized or um not understood not
01:43:53
seen the vul and they're alone emotionally the vulner becomes too painful to bear so be shut down our
01:44:00
sense of vulnerability you know not to feel the pain but when you look at life
01:44:07
nothing Gres without vulnerability so a tree doesn't gr where it's hard and thick does it it goes where it's tender
01:44:12
and soft and there's these shoots that are very vulnerable they can be eaten by animals or insects a a a crustacean
01:44:20
animal like a crab cannot grow inside a hard shell what does it have to do when
01:44:26
it needs to grow it mols and becomes this soft creature that's very
01:44:31
vulnerable but without that vulnerability there's no growth without emotional vulnerability there's also no
01:44:38
growth and so much of our culture is designed to deny vulnerability and to
01:44:43
shut it down or to somehow distract ourselves from it and what's the cost
01:44:49
and the cost is that we we stay immature and that we lose ourselves that's what
01:44:55
the cost is so I also think vulnerability is the is and I've just learned this from doing this podcast that vulnerability is a great connector
01:45:02
yeah when I much of the reason why I have good conversations on this podcast I think is because I'm willing to be
01:45:07
open myself yeah which which then allows your client your your your guest the
01:45:12
safety to open up themselves and in your personal life with your friends I mean
01:45:18
what's more I you can talk about the scandal of Newcastle beating Manchester City in the in some game
01:45:26
recently by one to nothing which is not I don't say to talk about it if that's interesting to you but which is more
01:45:33
meaningful to you that or when you actually share share a struggle struggle
01:45:39
in you and what's going on for you I mean it's no contest but so much of this culture is designed to distract
01:45:47
ourselves from our vulnerability
01:45:54
G we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest not knowing who they're going to leave it for Yeah
01:46:00
question that's been left for you it's quite a long one um today is your last day on Earth
01:46:08
yeah you're allowed to make two phone calls one phone call to the person you
01:46:15
love the most and the second phone call to the entire
01:46:21
world what you say on both of those phone
01:46:32
calls what John lenon Sang all those years ago All You Need Is
01:46:38
Love and the phone call to the person you love the most to the person I love the most I
01:46:45
don't have to say anything at all why cuz she
01:46:54
knows but if you were calling her on that last day I say thank you what
01:47:01
for for everything and uh you know what I may
01:47:06
even say that to the world I might even say thank you you know I mean for um for all the struggles
01:47:13
and the trails and troubles and tribulations of childhood and adulthood
01:47:19
and parenting and career and all this thank you you you've given me so
01:47:26
much that's what I would say I mean if if I wasn't giving you
01:47:31
advice which is all you need is love which is advice no forget that I'd say I just say thank you how do you want to be
01:47:40
remembered as somebody who did his best to make a
01:47:48
difference and who made a difference which I know I have by the way so um not
01:47:54
that everybody agrees with me but I also know I've made a difference what difference do you think you've
01:48:00
made how to say this without Sonic egotistical
01:48:07
um but I get so many messages from around the world I mean literally from around the world that reading my books
01:48:14
have transformed people's relationship to themselves have made them understand themselves um I think um I mentioned
01:48:21
maybe in a different interview that the best review I ever had of the myth of
01:48:27
normal was that um some young guy said to me thank you I read that book and I
01:48:32
remembered myself so um my work for
01:48:37
those who are open to it really helps to connect them to themselves and to see themselves clearly and that's that's a
01:48:44
gift in a world where it's increasingly hard to see who we really are yeah and it's hard for people to see themselves
01:48:50
and so people don't see themselves as broken or as irretrievably damaged but
01:48:55
actually they can begin to see their capacity for wholeness which incidentally is the root of the word
01:49:01
health is wholeness and uh so um that's
01:49:07
the difference I'm making is that people can see themselves not as broken damaged but as actually fundamentally whole with
01:49:15
some stuff to work through that's it we can learn so much from children can't we so much of your work brings us back to
01:49:22
the first nature as you describe it of children yeah well a lot of parents will tell you and
01:49:29
you'll find out is that the greatest teachers are your are your children if you're willing to
01:49:36
learn Gabel thank you thank you so much I it's a difficult question to ask someone else about the impact they've
01:49:42
made on the world but I but even what you said I think is a huge understatement because the people that I
01:49:48
know close to me like my partner who um like my partner who just I mean her life
01:49:54
I think has been changed personally but also professionally much of the reason she
01:50:01
does the work she does she's the reason why she's not here to meet you because she would have FL she would have got on the next flight to fly here is because
01:50:06
she's doing a retreat in the south of France with a big group of women and much of the work she does there is built
01:50:12
on the work that you've written about in your books and taught online um so not only have you impacted people personally
01:50:19
but you've impacted the next generation of teachers and
01:50:24
therapists um which is going to be a generational it's like a Domino's effect it's was counteracting the generational
01:50:30
trauma is the generational healing that has come about because of people like you um who are Wizards in our culture
01:50:37
and that are willing in the face of often great um you know adversaries who
01:50:42
take a different stance to persist with truth but thank you and and one of the
01:50:47
things that most enhearten me is that when I go about London or any city in the world just about these days it's all
01:50:54
kinds of young people coming up to me thanking me it's not people my I mean people of all ages but I'm just so
01:50:59
enthused by how young Generations that people one quarter of my age are coming
01:51:05
up to me to thank me well that shows me that it's making a difference 100% if she could have been here she was so
01:51:10
annoyed she realized she'd booked a retreat on the same day that you were coming to to London cuz she didn't get to meet you last time cuz she was in
01:51:16
barley so oh well some of the time she'll be watching this trust me probably watching live right now but but
01:51:22
thank you so much Gabor again for your generosity and your wisdom it's changed my life and it continues to change many other people that are listening to this
01:51:27
but all around the world so thank you thanks so [Music]
01:51:32
much as you guys may know this podcast is sponsored by one of my favorite brands in all the world which is whoop
01:51:37
AI is a topic I've spoken about various times on this podcast and it's a topic that I'm pretty obsessed with but we
01:51:43
don't often talk about how it could be used as a force to make our lives even better whoop is using the power of AI to
01:51:49
drive meaningful positive change my whoop doesn't leave my wrist and their new feature which is called whoop coach
01:51:56
uses the power of advanced AI to synthesize all of your health and fitness data and to provide you with
01:52:02
personalized recommendations to support you on your health and fitness journey you can literally ask it questions like
01:52:09
why am I so tired or can you help me build a strength training program and it's Advanced AI system will provide you
01:52:15
with answers that are unique to you so if you would like to check it out and love up your health and fitness journey
01:52:20
in the process go to join. whoop.com CEO to get a free months whoop
01:52:29
[Music]
01:52:48
membership ah