00:00:00
what advice would you give me to make sure that my relationship stays fresh and new and spicy actually there's a
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great study that when people their sexual desire for the partner goes up Dr
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tally Sher she's a neuroscientist author one of the world's leading researchers On Emotion decision making and how to
00:00:18
change our brains for the better this is negatively affecting your life and you don't know it we have a study where we
00:00:24
asked people what was your favorite part on your vacation and we found the peak of enjoyment was 43 hours into the
00:00:32
vacation and people used one word more than any other word and it was the word first the first view of the ocean the
00:00:38
first cocktail and then the joy goes down and down and down why it's because the input into your neurons is constant
00:00:45
and when things are not changing our brain just stops responding and the problem is that even if you're living
00:00:52
your absolute best life great relationship a good job comfortable home after a while those things don't bring
00:00:59
us the joy that they should cuz when something is always in front of you you stop attending to it that's true also
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for the not so great thing around us sexism racism cracks in our relationships after a while we don't
00:01:13
notice them and if we don't notice them we don't change them one reason why happiness is low in midlife is because
00:01:20
things are a little bit more routine the problem is we really don't like Risk taking so how do we change that two main
00:01:27
things one is quick one this is really really
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fascinating to me on the back end of our YouTube channel it says that 69.9% of you that watch this channel
00:01:39
frequently over the lifetime of this channel haven't yet hit the Subscribe button I just wanted to ask you a favor
00:01:44
it helps this channel so much if you choose to subscribe helps us scale the guest helps us scale the production and
00:01:50
it makes the show bigger so if I could ask you for one favor if you've watched the show before and you've enjoyed it and you like this episode that you're
00:01:56
currently watching could you please hit the Subscribe button thank you so much and I will repay that gesture by making
00:02:02
sure that everything we do here gets better and better and better and better that is a promise I'm willing to make you do we have a
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[Music]
00:02:14
deal tell welcome back thank you for having me back to be here for those people that
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aren't familiar with your career can you give us a little bit of an overview of your academic background but really I
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guess the summary of the mission that you're on and the work that you've done what are you trying to understand what is it that you're you're trying to do
00:02:34
with your professional life so in very general terms I'm trying to understand human behavior why do people do what
00:02:41
they do why do they feel the way that they do um and I use a lot of different
00:02:47
methods to try to understand that so I use Neuroscience method I really kind of try to look inside people's brains also
00:02:54
I look at Behavior so I'm kind of combining psychology brain science I also combine economics to try to
00:03:01
understand motives to try to understand needs um and hopefully use that not only
00:03:08
for us to understand human brains better but also to make our life better perhaps make better decisions for anyone that's
00:03:15
listening to this right now that is has a vision of who they want to become and
00:03:20
it's different from who they currently are in some way habits behaviors they want to adopt is step one awareness is
00:03:27
that step one awareness of your own CES and thoughts and patterns one thing you
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should concentrate on and be aware of is what is already good about yourself
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right so not only what do I want to become which I'm not but what am I which
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is great what already great skills I have right personality traits I have
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because those are things that you can build on right and so look at it not only in this kind of negative way but
00:03:56
look at it in a positive ways and so once once you've that yes then we can say okay this is my goal right and the
00:04:03
next thing is how do I go from where I am to this goal and if you have a
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specific plan and you you're not necessarily going to follow that exact plan right but if you have a plan and
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you kind of really think through the details what happens is that if you can imagine that vividly that will then
00:04:23
create your belief that it's more likely to happen right if we have a specific
00:04:28
plan concrete that makes a feel it's more likely to happen and if we think it's more likely to happen we're more
00:04:34
likely to follow through and then there's a lot of little tricks of how to
00:04:39
get us to follow through uh one really important one is looking at your
00:04:45
progress so say you want to go to the gym and at the first week you only go once a
00:04:51
week and then the next week you go twice a week or maybe when you're go you go the first time you go you're only running on the treadmill for 10 minutes
00:04:58
right and then next time 20 minutes but put down those numbers so you can actually see them cuz when people can
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actually see their progress that is extremely motivating right you always want to be a little bit above from where
00:05:12
you were so that's that's one thing that's hugely important is there sort of
00:05:17
scientific research that supports this idea that progress has a very sort of motivational impact on people yes
00:05:24
absolutely there are great studies one study that I'm thinking of um was where
00:05:30
people had to do a task which required them to learn the rules and they would
00:05:36
get money um rewards for doing it well and every so often they ask people how
00:05:42
are you feeling right now what they found is yes when people got rewards when they got money they were feeling good but turns out that they felt the
00:05:48
best when they learned something new right when they progressed that's when they were really
00:05:54
feeling the best and there was there's another study in which people could play one of two games one game all the rules
00:06:02
were clear it was really easy for them to do the best that they could do in
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another game there was a bit of uncertainty they had to learn it wasn't clear right it was challenging to some
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some respect and they could play those two games and then every every few minutes they said okay you could stay in
00:06:19
this game or you can move to the other game what they found is people liked to play the game where they had to learn
00:06:24
where there was uncertainty they did not like to play the game where they always did well where there were not progressing where there's nothing to
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learn so progress is really something that we strive for and when it happens
00:06:37
that really makes us feel better right it makes us feel like we're moving
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forward we don't like this St even if where you are is great right really really great after a while it's not
00:06:51
enough right you want to expand you want to progress those subject matters appear
00:06:56
in your new book look again when you're talking about the import of variety in our lives and it really shows up in all
00:07:03
aspects of Our Lives this need for variety um which you're kind of talking about there people want to try something
00:07:09
new they want to learn something new they want to be stimulated in some way it's very true in work you talk about
00:07:14
that a lot and as an employer really kind of hit me that one of the most effective things I could do to keep
00:07:20
my team members motivated would probably be to like change their jobs quite often
00:07:26
or at least add new elements to their responsibilities quite often yeah what the book is about is about
00:07:33
habituation and habituation is basically the phenomena which governs basically
00:07:39
every part of our brain which is we don't respond to things that don't change when things are constant where
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they're not changing our brain just stops responding and once you do change things around even a little bit then we
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start responding again and at work you know it's often
00:07:57
the case in in big companies for example that people will take employees and will let them rotate through different
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divisions once in a while right because if you're staying at the same place doing the same thing over and over and
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over and over again you become complacent to some extent right but once you change you're now talking to maybe a
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little different people maybe the projects are a little bit different then you start you start
00:08:23
encoding again it also enhances your creativity the word habitu is quite a
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long word I'm sure most people won't be familiar with the word probably never heard it before I didn't hear about habituation until I was doing a lot of
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research ahead of my book and came across a lot of your research but a really interesting way to
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illustrate what habit habituation is is with images like this now tell me tell
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me what's going on here we're going to put this image on the screen and also for those that of you that are listening on audio there will be a link to this
00:08:56
image in the description of this episode but essentially when you look at this image in the center of this image for 30
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seconds especially when you're looking at it on a computer screen all of the colors disappear if you stay focused on
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that black dot in the middle of this image for 30 seconds so this was a discovery by um a Austrian physi
00:09:17
physician in 1804 what he discovered is that if you look you have to not move
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your eyes so fixate on the black cross and don't move your eyes the colors fade
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away they become gray and if you're really good at this I've done this a few times and I was I was able to do this
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actually the gray goes away and the whole thing just becomes white why is that it's because the input
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into your neurons if you're not moving your eyes um is constant so the neurons are just getting the same input so they
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stop responding they're like well there's nothing new here you know let's save our resources for something else
00:09:53
that's going to come along so you stop noticing the color all together and that
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that is habituation now once you move your eyes color comes back right or if anything moves in the background like
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yeah well you do yeah yeah so then um if you're moving your eyes then the input
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into different norns change and then you consciously perceive the colors again and I think it's the same in our life if
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everything is constant we don't perceive the good and we don't perceive the bad but if we move our eyes enough you know
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metaphorically then we'll start noticing and Feeling Again do all animals do this
00:10:32
habituation thing yeah so it's something really fundamental you see this in every living creature um and I think to me
00:10:40
that's what's so interesting about this right because something that seems to
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affect every part of our life from our relationships to our mental health to
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our ability to innovate you can actually track it down and you can see it's in
00:11:00
every living animal there's this habituation the fact that neurons
00:11:05
respond less and less to things that don't change right and that's true for things just like sound if you hear the
00:11:13
same sound again and again and again and again you're no longer conscious of it you're no longer responding to it so
00:11:19
that's just perceptual habituation but habituation is also true for the
00:11:24
fundamental things in our life that we really care about and this is why people can have really great things in their
00:11:30
life and I'm sure you do right maybe like a great relationship a good job or a comfortable home but what's
00:11:36
interesting is that after a while those things don't bring us the Daily joy that
00:11:42
they should right because we kind of habituate it to it sort of like what what is thrilling on Monday becomes
00:11:48
boring on Friday and the interesting thing is that's true also for the not so
00:11:54
great thing around us so there might be bad things around us like uh sexism RAC RAC ISM cracks in our relationships or
00:12:01
inefficiencies at work but if they're there all the time after a while we don't notice them and if we don't notice
00:12:06
them we don't try to change them where does this come from this this idea that
00:12:12
once we're exposed to something we kind of phase out and can't see it anymore it's because if something is in
00:12:20
front of us for a while and we're still alive nothing bad happened right then
00:12:25
the brain doesn't really need to respond to it anymore because the brain's trying to conserve resources right right we
00:12:31
need the resources to be ready for the new thing that is coming your way right
00:12:37
which can be threatening or it could also be really great like you know food or something that you should grab um and
00:12:46
that's that's basically why we stop responding of course if someone something is hurting you right you will
00:12:52
continue responding to that which is why it's it's it's a little bit difficult to habituate to pain that's one to pain
00:12:58
yeah mhm what are some of your um your favorite examples of everyday
00:13:04
habituation of everyday habituation yeah like things that yeah yeah I told you mine before we started recording which
00:13:10
was um if I go to the gym and then I come home I can no longer smell myself
00:13:16
because you can I can smell myself for maybe a couple of minutes when I'm working out that I'm like getting hot and sweaty but then once I'm around
00:13:22
myself for like 10 minutes I guess my brain is just no longer sending the signal from my armpits to my through my
00:13:28
nasal recept is to my brain yeah so smell is is really a good one CU that
00:13:33
happens really really fast right so if you put a perfume in yourself it really smells strongly but then you put the
00:13:40
same perfume a day later you don't smell it as much a week later you don't smell it that much so those are really easy to
00:13:46
see around us but I think to me the more interesting ones are habituating to
00:13:52
things that we um enjoy a lot and then we enjoy less and less and less and
00:13:58
things that are really bad but we stop noticing so for example there's a great study in which uh people were asked to
00:14:05
think about a song that they like tell me a song that you like or even an artist that you like oh gosh there's one I'm listening to at the moment house
00:14:11
Gospel Choir angels watching over me okay would you prefer to hear that song
00:14:17
from beginning to end no interruptions or would you prefer to hear it with breaks with breaks yeah I don't want to
00:14:25
hear it with breakes okay you want to hear it the the full thing the full thing right and you think you would enjoy it more correct yeah okay 99% of
00:14:32
people say exactly what you say right I'm going to enjoy the song more if I just hear I listen to it continuously
00:14:37
with no breaks but counterintuitively when the study was conducted it was shown that people
00:14:44
actually end up enjoying a song more if there are Breaks by breaks you mean they
00:14:50
just put gaps in it gaps in it and in fact what's more interesting is not only did they put caps for different groups
00:14:56
of people they did different things doing the gaps maybe there's quiet it maybe there's an annoying noise and it didn't matter what they did in the gaps
00:15:02
when you had gaps in the song people enjoyed it more which is really counteractive right and they were willing to pay twice as much to hear
00:15:10
that song in concert so why is that so if you hear a song that you really like
00:15:16
it's really joyful but it turns out that over the whatever two minutes three minutes four minutes of the song The Joy
00:15:22
kind of goes down you habituate a little bit right if you have a break your the
00:15:27
joy is quite High and then it starts going down there's a break and so then
00:15:32
you go back up right right and so you habituate a little bit but then you go back up so overall you're enjoying the
00:15:40
music more and they did the same with massages so what do you prefer a 1 hour
00:15:45
massage or 20 minutes massage break 20 minutes massage break 20 minutes massage
00:15:50
break the 1 hour massage why again everyone says I prefer the one hour massage but again when they did the
00:15:56
study and they ask people how much did you enjoy it the group who had breaks ended up enjoying it more so what you're
00:16:02
saying is we need to put more bloody adverts in this podcast that's exactly what I this was exactly what I was
00:16:09
thinking people are loving the adverts because you think you're you know intellectually you think oh these ads
00:16:14
are annoying but I think what's happening and you know no one's actually done this this exact experiment but they
00:16:21
should I think that in fact people may enjoy your podcast more with the ads even if you kind even if they go through
00:16:27
it like that it's Gap it is possible and that was my thought exactly comments now
00:16:32
like we [ __ ] don't want anymore yeah they're so interesting and one of my
00:16:38
favorite examples is actually vacation so holidays um so I did um I
00:16:43
was working on this project with a big uh tourism company in the UK and they wanted to know what makes people enjoy
00:16:51
holidays the most right when do they enjoy the holiday the most and why so we
00:16:58
did survey and we went on these resorts to interview people and we found two interesting things the first was that
00:17:05
the peak of enjoyment was 43 hours into the
00:17:10
vacation and why is that well we think the reason is that first you get to the
00:17:15
resort and then you have to unpack you know all of that and then you start really enjoying it and then the joy goes
00:17:22
down and down and down over time you're still enjoying your holiday a lot but
00:17:28
the peak is with in 43 hours and then the related second uh bit of data that
00:17:33
we saw is that when we asked people what was your favorite part of the vacation
00:17:38
people used one word more than any other word and it was the word first so they said the first view of the ocean the
00:17:46
first dip in the water first cocktail right they enjoyed the second
00:17:51
time they went into the pool the third time but they enjoyed the first the most because firsts are kind of Novel right
00:17:59
and then you habituate the second time you enjoy it a little bit less than the third time enjo late you're still enjoying it but not as much as the first
00:18:05
time so does that mean that for holidays in I think you argue this point in the book you do yeah about instead of doing
00:18:12
you know four week holidays it's much better to do weekend breaks because if it's 42 hours or so that's optimal
00:18:18
enjoyment right so you're trying to think about how can I maximize my enjoyment right and when it comes to
00:18:23
Vacation maybe one one good idea is instead of going for a twoe vacation
00:18:29
during the year maybe you know have a few long weekends vacations now of course if you're flying somewhere far
00:18:36
then you might not be able to do it it's a cost and so on but you might consider instead of going to the farway vacation
00:18:42
for two weeks maybe you want to go somewhere closer to home but have more of them because then you get more firsts
00:18:49
you Al also get more afterglows so that's when you coming back from vacation and you're still happy because
00:18:55
you were just on vacation and you're also getting more of the anticip a of the vacation interesting which is hugely
00:19:02
beneficial for your wellbeing the anticipation part before um you're actually even there at the resort or
00:19:10
wherever you're going I mean this begs the question about the other thing we habituate to which a lot of us don't want to admit which is our partners and
00:19:19
our sex lives two things I've talked a lot on this podcast about um as it relates to things that we kind of get
00:19:25
used to and then no longer can get the same level of I don't know pleasure
00:19:30
happiness appreciation gratitude from um does it apply to relationships and sex
00:19:36
yeah so I think it does and I think the solution is very similar breaks and I don't mean like a relationship break
00:19:43
right what I mean is have you know an evening for yourself go on a weekend
00:19:49
perhaps on your own and then when you come back everything kind of resp sparkles is there any data to prove this
00:19:55
CU it's a feeling something that we all know intuitively like and my partner both know that when we're spending time
00:20:01
apart is good for our relationship every relationship knows that it's good for our sex life it's good for our our
00:20:07
appreciation of each other but is there any data that supports this yes and I I'll tell you what the data is which is
00:20:13
so obvious you think is like why do people even do a study about this but there's one study and it simply shows
00:20:19
that when people are away from their partner their desire their sexual desire for the partner goes up what is it about
00:20:26
our partner going away that makes us want the it's related to habituation right but it's also related to where
00:20:32
your attention is when something is always in front of you you sort of stop
00:20:37
attending to it because it's always there and so your brain then goes okay
00:20:43
what else do I need to get right but if they're not there then your attention
00:20:49
can go back to them and then there is a more basic level of how pleasure works
00:20:56
there's this great quote by the econ Tyber kovski and he says that pleasure
00:21:02
results from incomplete and intermittent satisfaction of desires right incomplete
00:21:08
yes so the idea is that you always wanting a little bit more okay right intimidate meaning there's breaks and
00:21:15
then you always and it's incomplete because you always want a little bit more and I think that quote is you can
00:21:22
apply it to almost everything right even to food there's an another um fun
00:21:30
experiment where they have two groups and one group was given mac and cheese to eat which they really liked every day
00:21:36
for you know a few weeks and of course they like the mac and cheese of the first day they liked it in the second day but after a while they couldn't you
00:21:43
know they couldn't see mac and cheese anymore they really did not want mac and cheese um while the other group got mac and cheese just once a week and they
00:21:49
enjoyed the MC and cheese much more right and so it's true for food it's
00:21:55
true for music it's true for our relationships it's rof fications what's that type what's that
00:22:01
restaurant where they the chef brings you I don't know like 13 different courses of food oh that's too much so
00:22:08
that's not good okay so here's here's what I think about choices um you first
00:22:14
of all you don't want to give people no choice at all right so if there's a
00:22:19
restaurant where you get no choice at all I don't think that is overall a good idea I mean what you could do for
00:22:24
example if you want if you want to have a restaurant where there's an option that the chef decides still make it a
00:22:31
choice right so you can have on the menu Chef's Choice but I'm still you know
00:22:36
sitting there and deciding okay the chef is going to choose for me but that's still my choice why does that matter
00:22:42
because um it is well known that first having a choice is really important for
00:22:49
people's sense of control and for for their enjoyment and once they choose something they like it better than if
00:22:56
someone else Cho for them they really you know one thing that we really don't like humans really don't like and
00:23:02
actually other animals as well is having no agency having no choice that causes
00:23:08
anxiety so we do want to make sure that people have a choice at the same time
00:23:15
you don't want to have too many options because that can be overwhelming right there's the um famous uh experiment
00:23:23
where people are given an option to choose between 60 different jams and some people are so overwhelmed they just
00:23:29
leave the store empty-handed so you don't want to go to right too much choice that could be just overwhelming
00:23:37
because there's you know for like too much cognitive resources right anything
00:23:42
that that we do that requires an amount of cognitive resource that is above some kind of threshold can
00:23:49
feel aversive right so having a choice where you have to choose too many things that's not good on the other hand not
00:23:56
being able to choose any that's not good either so you want to be
00:24:01
somewhere in in the middle going back to this this subject matter of relationships what advice would you give
00:24:08
me based on everything you know about habituation to make sure that my relationship stays spicy and uh we go
00:24:16
the long term what things can I you know what do I need to be aware of what what things can I do okay so just thinking
00:24:21
about like habituation related things yeah I would say two main things one is
00:24:27
breaks meaning having some distance once in a while right okay and the second is doing
00:24:35
new things together okay right because if you're always doing the same thing
00:24:41
over and over and over which couples sometimes do there are like a few things that they like to do right because it's
00:24:46
hard because each person has their own preferences of what they like and then you find an overlap and that overlap is
00:24:53
not necessarily huge so then you just you know do the same thing over and over so I think as a couple it is good to
00:25:01
explore and I don't don't necessarily mean like sexually but just everything like what type of movies you're going to watch and you know what type of
00:25:07
activities and that can also expand your experiences together right on the point
00:25:14
of sex so I do think sex can get boring if you don't constantly try new things it's just it's if you plan to be with
00:25:20
someone for 50 years finding new things to try is work to be honest and I guess life is
00:25:28
work so it's work worth doing you know I'm almost almost I know almost five years into my relationship with a little
00:25:33
bit of a gap in between and it's a conversation we've had a lot which is how do we keep things fresh and new and
00:25:41
interesting and spicy because like any couple or like any people you fall into as you say like Comfort habits we go to
00:25:49
this restaurant because we know it and they know us you know you go to this place because you know the place and you
00:25:54
that's your favorite restaurant there or whatever you watch this thing on TV you follow this okay this cycle of Monday to
00:26:02
Monday to Sunday Monday we do this then Saturday and Sunday we do this you know and it can be it can the monotony can
00:26:09
seem to take a joy out of life right yes and I think you want a little bit of balance so some of this kind of routine
00:26:16
and things you're familiar with there's something nice about that as well right so it's not I'm not saying every weekend
00:26:23
do something completely new right but just so you have your kind of routines and then
00:26:29
you know you insert some novel activities or something something new so
00:26:34
it's it's kind of a BAL a balance between exploring new things but also exploiting the things that you enjoy do
00:26:40
you think there's a because I was thinking about it as you were speaking about men and women if there's a
00:26:45
difference in their ability to habituate and in my experience maybe that's just
00:26:51
because I've always been the man in the situation um I'm less likely to seek
00:26:57
spontaneity I think in terms of like coming up with new ideas for places us to go my girlfriend she's so like let's
00:27:04
go to this flower thing let's go to this then let's go to this play Let's go over here she's very explorative so I was
00:27:10
just wondering if there was a variance you'd ever seen in any research about a man's ability to habituate versus a
00:27:15
woman's no I haven't so I don't necessarily think there is and I don't necessarily think that it is a case that
00:27:22
men are more explor explorative or more um exploring but and this is not Based
00:27:30
on data this is just my observation I often hear that people say I like to
00:27:36
explore but my partner yeah likes to do the same or I like to just do the same
00:27:41
all the time but my partner likes to explore I hear this again and again it's true in my own relationship my my
00:27:46
co-author C Einstein who wrote the book with me um he also says exactly the same right so for him he likes to exploit and
00:27:54
his wife likes to explore for me it's like I like to explore my husband likes to exploit and I hear this again and again and that makes me think that it is
00:28:02
not a coincidence um that is perhaps the case that people who like to explore end up
00:28:09
with people who like to exploit because to do the best that we can in life we
00:28:14
need to do bothh so maybe it is you know this balance interesting to individuals
00:28:21
because if you're left on your own and just exploring all the time you might not get to the optimal
00:28:26
balance in life MH if you're exploiting all the time then you're unlikely to find these new things right that will
00:28:33
actually be great for you you will learn gain you pleasure and so on so um it may
00:28:39
not be a coincidence and I think in in a lot of these traits almost every psychological trait that you can think
00:28:45
of they are individual differences you can go all the way from one extreme to The Other Extreme right if we're talking
00:28:51
about optimism all the way to pessimism exploration all the way to exploitation right and everything in the and normally
00:28:57
it's kind of a bell curve of sorts um and I think it's not a coincidence right because if you think about a society a
00:29:04
group a team working together you do need these variations for people to push
00:29:10
each other in different directions such that as a team we get to the best that
00:29:16
we can we can get we talked about learning a little bit earlier on and about the importance of of change and
00:29:23
Novelty I'm someone that's just Fallen back into the habit of reading books again and writing about them and it's
00:29:29
brought a huge amount of lost joy to my life and I and I had almost lost sight of it through becoming so busy in my
00:29:36
professional life I'd lost the um Joy of learning new things and because I do
00:29:41
this podcast as well and it seems to I learn so much from speaking to the people I speak to but just recently getting back into reading books again
00:29:47
has brought this new sort of excitement to my life and your book has is provides a lot of evidence as to why that might
00:29:53
be yeah I think it is it is a case that probably you know in recent years people
00:29:59
are reading less right um and we kind of forget the joy of reading whether it is
00:30:04
fiction or non-fiction I think the difference between reading a book than watching a
00:30:10
video is when you read a book there's an extra mental activity that you're doing
00:30:16
which is you're imagining you're visualizing right it's also in your own
00:30:21
pace so you read something and maybe that elicit triggers some kind of Association in your mind right so you
00:30:28
might like stop for a little bit and then continue so there's so much more going on and I think because of that
00:30:35
when you read a book you can relate that more to yourself and to your own life
00:30:40
right versus I mean watching I mean films like that that's great as well but that that is a difference right it's
00:30:47
more about you and your inner experiences and memories coming more
00:30:52
alive and then it also ties to what you already know the midlife crisis
00:30:58
is this a real thing yeah absolutely it is well known that stress is the peaks
00:31:06
in your midlife and happiness um goes down in your midlife suicide for example
00:31:13
Peaks especially for male um in midlife definitely like something that we should
00:31:19
think of and notice um and we don't really know for sure why it happens but
00:31:24
one thing that happens in midlife is that you have a lot of stressors coming your way um so we're talking about 40s
00:31:30
and 50s so you have you might need you have little kids that you need to take care of maybe you have elderly parents
00:31:37
that you're worried about uh professional life has a lot of stressors in midlife so that's really a time where
00:31:44
we see the midlife crisis but one thing that we think is that perhaps this is also a time that you're not progressing
00:31:51
as much right so kind of in your 20s and so on you learn a lot you gain G skills
00:31:59
you get to perhaps a good position and then it's sort of
00:32:04
plateauing right for a lot of people it can kind of plateau in midlife perhaps
00:32:10
they have a good job right but they're kind of stuck they're not really moving as much they're not learning as much
00:32:17
less variety right things are a little bit more routine and that could be one
00:32:22
reason why happiness is relatively low in midlife
00:32:28
it's also hard to see like what is next sometimes right while you're climbing up it's you're kind of well this is my goal
00:32:35
but once you get there it's a little bit disappointing to some extent even if you've done really well right because as
00:32:41
we talked before one thing that is really important for our happiness is kind of us believing that we have
00:32:47
something to gain something to go forward to now why does then happiness
00:32:52
go back up after midlife right so we don't know but here is one speculation
00:32:57
that at at a certain point in time uh maybe you're retiring then actually Life Changes
00:33:04
again right in an odd way there can actually be more variety and CH and change and learning you need to learn
00:33:11
how to live life again with this new context of not going to work every day and you know and you might make
00:33:18
decisions all sorts of decisions of what to do with your time which will require you to learn
00:33:25
again when you get to so say 40 40 50 years old you're probably in a
00:33:30
relationship which you've been in for a while there's not that there's not that Pursuit your job your career your
00:33:36
profession your identity your geography your house friendship circles are probably all well established at that
00:33:43
point and your hypothesis is that the lack of forward motion and the abundance
00:33:50
of routine means that you lose something in life yeah so things are less new
00:33:57
right it's kind of same same same imagine the best day of your life you wake up in the
00:34:04
morning and you eat like the best breakfast that you can think of right choose and then you you interact with
00:34:10
the people that you love the most and you go do the best activity like what you want and you see your favorite movie
00:34:15
so the whole day is your favorite favorite favorite favorite things really great and then you wake up the same the
00:34:21
next day and you do the same and then you wake up the next day and you do the same right a weekend a few few weeks in
00:34:28
the best day of your life just doesn't elicit as much joy right and also
00:34:33
there's nothing to learn anymore so even if you're living your absolute best life
00:34:39
if it is the same again and again and again and again it will eventually be a little bit
00:34:46
even depressing I would say so that's by definition not our best life right so so
00:34:53
then it is what is our best life so I think when people think about what my best life is what they're
00:35:00
thinking about is oh I want that great house right I want that great partner I want money or you know and then you can
00:35:07
get all of these things but if they remain constant that's just not going to be your best life and you can engineer
00:35:14
this I mean even if it's like midlife and everything is set and you're in one house and so on for example you can go
00:35:20
take a course learn something new right a new fields that is not your own you
00:35:26
can go a new sport right there's things that you could do go visit places that
00:35:32
you haven't been try to um make connections with people that are a bit different from your regular crowd that
00:35:39
you're interacting with it's a little bit hard to do because it's going to require effort the easiest thing to do is just continue same same same same
00:35:46
same we assume that happiness will be derived from us
00:35:51
um I almost don't know how to say this like from us being on autopilot like if we do what Society said you work a job
00:35:58
you get a partner you create a house you we assume that will lead to happiness but what you're saying is the research
00:36:04
shows that we actually need to keep almost dismantling or disrupting our own experience to to find happiness or to be
00:36:13
happy I guess we can't find happiness we be happy yeah they did a whole bunch of surveys to figure out what are the
00:36:19
factors that are most associated with people's happiness and the number one was meaning right people who could say I
00:36:25
have meaning in my life that was number one number two was control people who felt they have control over their life
00:36:33
um and I don't remember what number income was but it wasn't especially high oh I think social so social connections
00:36:39
was really high as well right so a lot of these things were these psychological things not necessarily material things
00:36:47
that really induced uh people's happiness and satisfaction from their
00:36:52
life somewhat linked to that studies show that after getting married people report to being happier on average yet
00:36:59
about two years after their honeymoon period happiness levels tend to be the same as their pre-marriage levels yeah
00:37:06
so this is a well-known What's called the hedonic treadmill oh yeah so the hedonic treadmill means that we sort of
00:37:12
have a basine level of Happiness which is determined a lot is genetic it might
00:37:19
be determined by early childhood experiences and we can move from that Baseline we can go up if something good
00:37:26
happens maybe you have a good Rel relationship marriage uh you get a promotion it can go down if something
00:37:31
bad happens even bement but it turns out that it in most cases you climb back to your Baseline
00:37:40
level of Happiness so these things they can go up and they can down and then you kind of adapt right um and at you end up
00:37:50
trying you know and this goes back to this idea that we're trying to get all these things we think of once I get this
00:37:56
promotion then I'll be really happy and then you get the promotion and it's great but then after a while you just go back to your Baseline now on on one hand
00:38:03
this actually is not a bad thing because imagine you get your first entry level
00:38:09
job and people are really happy with their first entry level job great but imagine I just continue being really
00:38:15
happy with my first entry-level job right I won't be motivated to move forward right so this is why habituation
00:38:24
is there because it's moving us forward as an indiv ual and and as a society on
00:38:30
the other hand it also reduces our joy um and it also sometimes causes us not
00:38:35
to see some of the bad things around us because we habituate to that as well
00:38:40
another reason why habituation is important is for your mental health right and that's kind of related to what
00:38:46
we just talked about where bad things happen and slowly slowly slowly we adapt and we go back to Baseline we are able
00:38:54
to recover right it's kind of our superpower our IM immense ability to
00:38:59
just bounce back for most individuals and what's interesting is that you actually see that people with depression
00:39:07
they habituate much slower so there was a great study that was conducted in the University of
00:39:12
Florida by a professor Aaron heler where he had students um who just got exam
00:39:18
results and he asked them how they were feeling and then he asked them how they were feeling after every 45 minutes for
00:39:24
the whole day and what he found is when people bad results they were feeling bad right they're not happy and that's true
00:39:31
for people who never had depression episodes in their life and people who were experiencing depression or had
00:39:36
depression before so everyone was feeling bad at the beginning those people who did not have any history of
00:39:42
depression they slowly slowly slowly started feeling better from this bad grade those with depression also started
00:39:49
feeling better but much slower right so in other words depression is related to
00:39:56
slow slower habituation slower recovery from negative events in your life and
00:40:03
one reason we think this is is because depression is related to going over
00:40:09
these bad events in your mind again and again not letting go right you're kind of like chewing over them again and
00:40:15
again and again and that is something that is preventing you from recovering
00:40:21
and bouncing back from these um aversive
00:40:26
events if if um habituation is causes us
00:40:32
to lose the joy of our current situation then how come as you say in Chapter 2
00:40:38
the chapter about variety you say that up to 40% of employees resign within the first six months of their new job you'd
00:40:45
think their new job would bring them Joy because it was different but up to 40% of employees resign within the first six
00:40:52
months so new things can bring a joory because they're different yeah however
00:40:58
at the same time and this kind of goes back to the vacation example that I gave you which was people are not the
00:41:03
happiest when they just get to the resort it takes them time right it takes them 43 hours to get to the peak Joy why
00:41:09
because they still need the time to adapt right they need to unpack they need to get used to this new routine
00:41:15
same thing with a new job for example so on one hand getting a new job you're
00:41:21
going to learn things and that's great and eventually it will get you Joy but when you f when you're there for the
00:41:27
first first day or the first few days there's a lot of getting used to things around you right you need to like figure
00:41:33
who's who right who's on top who's in the bottom like where is a cafeteria what am I going to eat there's so many
00:41:39
different things that you need to figure out it can be stressful it can be overwhelming and you often want to just
00:41:47
like run back to your old life run back to your new job and do a U-turn and the
00:41:53
problem is that often people don't predict this they can't see ahead right
00:41:58
they think it's like well I'm unhappy with my new job on my first day or my second day or even the first week that
00:42:04
means that this is not a good job for me you know perhaps it's not a good job for you or perhaps you just need to allow it
00:42:09
some time to adapt so you know my recommendation is whatever it is that
00:42:15
you're trying that's new can also be something like a new relationship right give it some time because you're going
00:42:21
to have to get used to the things that are also not great you will also get
00:42:26
things you get used to things are great but you have to get used to those things that are not great and then after a while you won't see them anymore right
00:42:32
so not going to affect you as much so give a time now if you gave it time and still you're unhappy sure yeah make a
00:42:40
change there's a clear message in here for managers employees CEOs Founders
00:42:45
about how to keep their team motivated and engaged and the message that I'm hearing is the importance in creating
00:42:52
Variety in their work because I always think in businesses I'm involved in if someone's doing this same thing for like
00:42:57
12 months we're going to have a have to have a conversation within the next 3 months because they will typically come
00:43:04
to me and say like something's not something's not right and it's typically that people need a bit of variety in
00:43:10
their work I guess because that gives it a little kick of meaning again you know I I think I've always hypothesized that
00:43:17
people need like five things to really like their jobs number one is a sense of Forward Motion towards a a goal so
00:43:23
that's progress I guess feeling like you're go make making forward motion number two challenge they need to be
00:43:29
like sufficiently challenged not too challenged because then there's lots of issues underchallenged lots of issues
00:43:34
lose motivation like in game psychology number three is control and autonomy so feeling like you've got control over
00:43:40
your life your work number four is meaning in the work you're doing subjective meaning Jack's reason for
00:43:46
doing this podcast will be entirely different from someone else in the team for example and then the last one is
00:43:51
working in like a supportive group of people there's a lot of studies about this that you want a situation
00:43:57
where you're learning something because if you're learning nothing people are not engaged right but if it's like so
00:44:04
difficult that you can't learn right people aren't happy as well so you have to be like in this the spot in the
00:44:10
middle right that's a sweet spot and again it's different for everyone right where it's not too easy but it's not too
00:44:16
difficult so you have something to learn but you're still progressing and that's very important there's a great study showing that if you put people in a room
00:44:24
and there's absolutely nothing for them to do except to shock themselves they will shock themselves like little shock
00:44:30
I don't mean you know um this this paper was actually in science a few years ago so meaning that boredom can be so
00:44:39
aversive to people they would actually prefer physical pain than to just not do
00:44:45
anything at all so that's on the one hand and then of course on the other hand is when you're sitting in in a you
00:44:50
know in a class or you're listening to Electra and you have no idea what's it's too much right because you haven't
00:44:56
gotten there maybe you'll take the steps eventually you'll get there but but you know you started off by saying for
00:45:02
employees you need to kind of change right give them different projects and so on and what's interesting not only
00:45:08
will they enjoy it more they're more likely to get to Creative Solutions start with the fact that what what has
00:45:15
been found is that people who habituate slower are more creative um so there's
00:45:21
different ways to measure how fast you habituate what they did in this study is
00:45:26
that they had a sound the same sound again and again and again and they measured Kink conductance which shows um
00:45:33
so it is how aroused you are when you're aroused you sweat more okay and that is
00:45:39
measured by the skin conductance right and so when there's like a sound there's a response so if a sound is the same
00:45:45
sound again and again and again most people habituate there's no longer response you know long skin conductance
00:45:51
but for some people they continue responding right because they're not habituating and what was found is those
00:45:56
those people who continue responding those were the people who already showed creativity in their life they had a
00:46:03
patent under their name they had an exhibition in an art gallery they had a
00:46:08
book that they wrote they had um got prizes for Innovative work and the
00:46:15
question is why is that and I think the reason is that because of habituation we filter a lot of information right and
00:46:23
you know it makes sense information is not important but if you don't habituate you're going to have a lot of bits of information in your mind simmering
00:46:30
objects sounds bits and pieces of knowledge that are not important on their own but they're just going to stay
00:46:37
in your mind they're going to simmer and once in a while they will create something new and that's where
00:46:44
Innovation comes in and really if you think about the most Creative Solutions that people come up with it's usually
00:46:51
they take something from one field something really boring unimportant mundane
00:46:57
and that bit of mundane piece of information then solves a problem in
00:47:02
this other completely different field and or there's like this part of knowledge here that is boring and this
00:47:11
other part of knowledge in this other field that also seems very mundane but you put them together and suddenly you
00:47:16
create something that is really really interesting uh and creative right I mean
00:47:21
often you see for example people taking what they know from biology
00:47:27
which you know on its own doesn't seem so important but then they take that and they use it to solve a problem in a
00:47:35
different field technology for example right that is like the most Creative Solutions so how do we facilitate that
00:47:44
how do we facilitate dishabituation in order to enhance creativity and the answer is change changing your
00:47:51
environment and it could be simple things there studies showing that if you just change your environment let's say
00:47:56
say you're working in the office for a few hours and you go work for in a coffee shop for a few hours right that change can actually also enhance
00:48:03
creativity um you're sitting and working and then you're going out and walking or going out for a run um studies show for
00:48:10
the first six minutes you're going to be more creative and also vice versa so if you are out walking out running and then
00:48:17
you come back and you sit in your office for the next 6 minutes you're going to be more creative now six minutes may
00:48:23
sound like that's not a lot of time but sometimes there's just enough for you to
00:48:28
get the aha moment I can remember those instances where I came up with an idea
00:48:34
that would then change my course of research for a long time those ideas that were really important so if I think
00:48:40
about these examples like one example was I was in the office trying to solve this problem and I couldn't find a
00:48:45
solution so I decided to go to the gym and then so I walked to the gym and then before while I was walking while I was
00:48:51
getting to the gym that's when you know the solution came about and I remember like calling my student and like sharing
00:48:57
that and that would then change years of what we we were going to do right so just all I did was changed my physical
00:49:03
activity change just my physical surrounding and that's exactly what these studies show um or another example
00:49:12
was again I was in my office and I took a break and I was reading the New York Times science section so not hugely
00:49:18
different but still different right and then I read something about monkeys and I do humans and that again that was ooh
00:49:25
that I an idea came about by taking a break and doing something that was a
00:49:30
little bit different and I think every single example of this it's always like that it's never me trying to think of
00:49:38
something new me trying to find a solution it's always doing something else which then something unusual not
00:49:45
something that I do like 90% of the time in a day and that doing those times is
00:49:51
when these kind of new ideas came about you know the brain generally having spent so much time studying it what are
00:49:58
the the fundamental surprises you've come to learn about humans that you think most people just don't understand
00:50:04
or agree with like the things that we don't want to believe about ourselves that are unfortunately
00:50:10
true things that are unfortunately true I see this I read this throughout your work things where you go humans wouldn't
00:50:18
say they're like that if you ask them but clearly they are because of the research right yeah I mean it is true
00:50:24
that we're not conscious of most of these kind of systematic mistakes that we make and the biases that we have for
00:50:32
example I mean maybe our belief system is a great example of why we believe what we
00:50:39
believe I think that if you'd ask people why do you believe a certain thing they
00:50:45
would probably give you some kind of rational explanation right I believe
00:50:50
this thing because you know here's all the evidence and so forth but in fact most of the times the reason we believe
00:50:56
believe something is that we were brought up in an environment where that belief was a popular one or people
00:51:02
around us Believe it or we've heard it again and again you know one interesting thing is this is a huge effect where
00:51:08
people are are not aware of it as long as you hear something um repeatedly even
00:51:13
twice the likelihood that you believe it goes way up versus something that you
00:51:19
hear once it's called the illus truth effect you just there's so many studies showing this you let people you you tell
00:51:26
people something twice they don't remember that they've heard it twice and they're going to believe it way more
00:51:31
than something that they just heard once um the reason for this is that the brain process information that it's heard
00:51:38
before less right okay so let's say I tell you that
00:51:43
um a shrimp's heart is in its head right so when you hear that that sounds really
00:51:48
surprising and your brain takes a lot of resources to process this you might think about the last time I ate a shrimp
00:51:55
um right or just imagine the shrimp's heart is in his head but the second time I'm going to tell you this a shrimp's
00:52:02
heart is in his head your brain's not going to processes at much right and the third time it's not going to process at
00:52:07
all now when your brain takes less effort in processing things that causes
00:52:15
um a signal of familiarity and as a result we're more likely to believe something when
00:52:21
something requires less effort and less energy to process we believe it
00:52:27
more so anything that you hear again and again and again as you hear it more and more and more it takes less energy to
00:52:34
process and if it takes less energy to process our brain then concludes that is as likely true and for good reason
00:52:40
because most of the time when you hear something again and again again most of the time it's true so if you heard something from you know your aunt and
00:52:46
then you heard it from your friend and then you heard it from your doctor why do all the people tell you all these
00:52:51
things because on average it's true but sometimes it's not going to be true right it's going to be false beliefs
00:52:57
right and even even things like it takes you less energy to process a large front
00:53:04
14 font bold it takes us less energy to process it versus like small font yeah
00:53:09
we see that across the board in all of our marketing companies is that if we just make the font a little bit bigger we get more clicks so it just a tiny bit
00:53:16
click yeah not only are people more attentive they're going to believe it more so there's studies showing that you show people two sentences um one is in
00:53:24
big fonts bold and one is in small and you ask them you know How likely is this to be true How likely is that to be true
00:53:30
those sentences that are in big bald fonts people are more likely to believe they're true because the brain requires
00:53:37
less energy to process it which then makes us conclude that it's likely to be
00:53:42
true and it's true for like for example if you do it with like red color right anything that makes it easier for for us
00:53:48
to process if we hear things more clearly we're more likely to believe that's true than if you put a little bit
00:53:53
of noise um people are less likely to believe things are are true anytime that it's hard for us to process so what that
00:53:59
means is if you want people to um if you want to help them believe what you're saying right take on your
00:54:05
recommendations you want to make it easier for them to process it so you could do that visually big fonts red so
00:54:12
on but the other things you can do is you can relate it to things that they already believe in what we call priors
00:54:19
right so if I I want to convince you of something it might be a good idea for me
00:54:24
to think about what are you what do you already believe right and then try to tie that to what
00:54:29
you already believe because that will require less processing or I could tell you something twice of threee times now
00:54:36
of course this does it's not like I'm going to tell you something really really crazy right the Earth is flat three times and you're going to believe
00:54:41
me right but I'm talking about these things where like it could be true right and so I tell you that a few times and
00:54:47
then eventually you you more likely to believe it and you don't know it's because you've heard it a few times so if I
00:54:53
said salad and sugar are good for you versus just sugar is good for you maybe
00:55:00
more people are more likely to believe the first sentence because I've included a statement that you know from prior
00:55:06
knowledge is true which is cabbage is good yeah that that is a great example that is a great example okay because our
00:55:12
brain goes yeah salad is good for you and then you know by the time we get to Sugar We're like okay that could be true
00:55:17
and also it makes you be more believable and just to say you need a little bit of sugar sugar is not only bad yeah little
00:55:25
bit so you talk toone about DEH habituating Our Lives why why and where do we need to
00:55:32
DEH habituate Our Lives what where do we need to change things and introduce novelty I'm almost wanting to come away
00:55:39
with a little bit of a little bit of a checklist for my own life here I feel like I'm I understand the part in
00:55:45
relationships which is take breaks from my partner try new things with them you said as well so go to new restaurants go
00:55:50
to new places do new things on the weekend in work um quit my job I guess
00:55:56
that's what you're saying no absolutely not no do not quit your job you know
00:56:02
change role add new responsibilities yeah but you could it could even be something as I mean you don't have to
00:56:08
completely change what you're doing but you could at the same time try something
00:56:14
new and in fact you know from from you know I'm sure you do that because you have different things that you're doing
00:56:20
right and so that means you have Variety in your day because you do your podcast but then you also have your companies and your companies are different right
00:56:27
so this is a good example but not everyone has that right A lot of people just have the one job but if you can
00:56:33
take on you know learn something new right induce variety into your day in
00:56:40
that way that is great that will cause you to start being on kind of a learning mode right I take also from that that as
00:56:47
an employer it's really important that we have all of our team members on a
00:56:53
personal development plan which means making sure that they've got
00:56:58
intellectual Forward Motion in their lives they're always learning something new they're always striving for something new and that every team member
00:57:04
in like my company should have something they're currently learning about outside of their core responsibilities right so
00:57:11
sometimes it's it would look like they're going sideways yeah right so sometimes it doesn't look like the the
00:57:17
path is like just progressing forward but sometimes perhaps the plan is to go
00:57:22
a little bit sideways what you mean sideways which means like it's not the obvious thing yeah that they're going to
00:57:29
learn right for their role see something's not going to become a better editor or producer or whatever he's
00:57:36
going to learn music almost anything different that you learn is probably
00:57:41
going to feedback yeah right yeah I guess it's it comes right down to even the route you cycle on the way to work
00:57:48
in the morning or small things right small decisions you make hotels you stay at the airline you choose to use is is
00:57:54
there any other ways that you've dehab sit in your life Having learned about this yes but I I want to just say
00:57:59
something about you said use different airlines and so on so on one hand yes
00:58:05
but on the other hand if something is not super enjoyable but you still have
00:58:10
to do it so for example maybe flying maybe travel like when you're traveling for business it can be painful
00:58:18
right so in those cases in fact you want to do the same thing again and again why
00:58:25
because you you habituate to the negative you see so if you think about things that you don't like to do um you
00:58:32
may actually want to do it in the same way over and over okay right because I mean unless you think like you get on a
00:58:39
plane and you're super enjoy it but like you know for me I just like want it to be over with right so it's easier
00:58:45
actually to use the same airline to do the same thing so in some parts of of
00:58:50
life actually you want to choose to do the same thing and in fact in some parts of life you want to um do these things
00:58:57
that you don't enjoy in one chunk you know how we talked about the good things you chop up MH the bad things you want
00:59:04
to swallow whole so if you think about things that you don't like to do but you really need to do like I don't know I
00:59:09
need to grade papers I need to do house household chores when you ask people
00:59:15
like would you rather do this thing that you need to do but you don't like would you just get it over with um in one go
00:59:22
or do you want breaks in between for a breather M people like breaks for a breather right um if it is like I don't
00:59:30
know washing the floor or whatever there is doing their taxes they want the breakes but in fact they suffer less if
00:59:38
they just get it over with because then they habituate to the negative yeah right yeah makes sense so
00:59:45
for the positive you want variety and so on and but the things that you're not going to learn a lot from you just need
00:59:52
to get them over and done with just get them over and done with and even do it at exactly the same way that you've over
00:59:58
always done it is social media going going to make me vicariously habituate I.E through looking at other people's
01:00:05
lives and experiences they're having it's moving my bar up like my my own
01:00:11
perception of expectations in my life up in an unpleasant way so that when I go to that same place that Jenny went to on
01:00:18
Instagram it's less enjoyable for me because I've already kind of experienced it through the lens of Jenny's Instagram
01:00:25
stories right so this has a lot to do with what do you what do we expect from life and how do those expectations impact us
01:00:34
um so I think obviously social media is causing us to have unrealistic
01:00:40
expectations we always I don't know for most of us we feel kind of disappointed with ourselves we go online is because
01:00:46
of course a lot of people go online and they post the good things right oh I'm on vacation I got this award and then
01:00:51
you go online and you're like oh all the people all of this good things are happening constantly and so you feel
01:00:56
disappointed about your own life you have unrealistic expectations um and it it shifts what we
01:01:03
call adaptation level so basically we adapt to um our daily life and then
01:01:09
things that are better than our daily life we feel good and things are worse we feel worse but sometimes our
01:01:15
adaptation level can shift not based on our reality but what we expect maybe
01:01:22
will happen and also what we see other people are doing doing so let's talk
01:01:27
about expecting what will happen so it's there's a study showing that when prisoners are about to be
01:01:35
released they are still in prison but in their mind they're already like thinking
01:01:40
about the release which is great and so now their expectations are kind of higher and that makes them feel worse
01:01:48
right so they're actually very close to release but in fact they're feeling really bad because their their daily
01:01:57
life is much worse from what they expect their daily life to be that's kind of like social media isn't it you're
01:02:03
satting your house looking out at people partying in some hot Sunny Country having the time of their lives you feel
01:02:08
like you're in prison your expectations are being raised because you're watching them have the time of their lives so suddenly your house feels like you know
01:02:15
a prison yeah so your expectations can be based on what you just expect for yourself and also what other people are
01:02:21
doing now I'm not saying that um high expectations are bad right because
01:02:27
there's two things happening at the same time one thing is when um the outcomes
01:02:34
so this is related to dopamine neurons so basically dopamine neurons in your your brain are firing all the time right
01:02:40
and then when outcomes are better than expected they fire even more burst more
01:02:46
right so you expect to get this amount of salary you get a higher salary
01:02:51
dopamine goes up you expect the steak to taste quite good it tastes even better they fire more and when things are worse
01:02:58
than expected they start um quieting down right so they're quieting down when
01:03:05
things are worse than expected and that is highly correlated with your mood when there's big burst of dopamine you feel
01:03:11
good when the dopamine is quiet you're feeling bad but that quiet is important
01:03:19
because that quiet says things are not as good as I expected them to be and it signals to your brain I need to learn
01:03:26
something I need to change this right there's two things you can change you can change your expectations you can
01:03:32
lower them or you can change the reality right and so this negative mood that is
01:03:38
associated with outcomes not being um as good as you expected them can actually
01:03:43
lead to progress so it's a bit of a delicate kind of balance right and so
01:03:49
often I mean there's this really counterintuitive finding which is when
01:03:54
people don't have certain things in their life for example in countries
01:03:59
where the Health Care system is quite bad the Health Care System doesn't
01:04:04
affect people's daily happiness as much as in countries where the Health Care system is good so when the healthare
01:04:10
system is good you expect it to be good so then any variation can impact your your kind of satisfaction but if you're
01:04:17
living in a country where like well I know the healthare system is bad I'm it's not going to even affect how I'm feeling right you have no expectations
01:04:24
and you're kind of that's not going to impact your happiness how much do you really know
01:04:30
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01:05:05
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01:06:19
remember you had a TED Talk didn't you which did uh 15 million views on how to motivate yourself to change your behavior
01:06:25
okay yeah what can I take from that Ted talk to achieve my new year new me
01:06:33
goals okay so um I talk about a few principles there and one
01:06:39
is a lot of time our goals are in the future so I want to go to the gym
01:06:44
because eventually I want to lose weight I'm not going to lose weight that very second right I'm not going to like get
01:06:50
into my jeans that very day eventually I know that if I go to the gym I will become healthier right so it's all a lot
01:06:55
of times about the future or you say I want to get a promotion so I'm going to work really hard today so I can get promotion in the future the problem is
01:07:04
that it's really hard to motivate yourself to do something immediate for a reward that's going to
01:07:10
come a time from now so what you need to do is you need to figure out what can I
01:07:16
get now I'm going to the gym because I want to be healthier and you know thinner or whatever in the future but is
01:07:22
there anything that I can get at the very moment um I've heard people tell me that the way that they motivate
01:07:28
themselves to get the gym is they say when I get to the gym and I get on the treadmill I'm G to allow myself to watch
01:07:34
some trash TV or uh read like you know a magazine that I don't always allow
01:07:39
myself to read so that's one thing right think about what the immediate rewards that you can give yourself or someone
01:07:46
else maybe you're helping someone else to to achieve their goals what can we get immediately not only in the future
01:07:53
for for example another person told me that their husband um they really wanted their husband to go to the gym and so
01:07:58
the husband went to the gym and they got back and the wife um said to the husband ooh I can feel you're like I can see
01:08:04
your muscles right so it was immediate right they gave him like immediate rewards so try to think about I call it
01:08:09
like um Bridge the temporal Gap because there's an action happening today and there's this like goal in the future but
01:08:16
you have to bridge the temple Gap to try to think about okay what can I also get now it could be an emotional response
01:08:23
right I mean a lot of times when we do something like we work hard we solve a problem we go to the gym we feel good it
01:08:30
could be the emotional response so maybe one way you can do is make that Salient
01:08:35
right maybe like track your your emotions track your mood and you can say okay this is what I did today right I
01:08:42
went to the gym today this is how I was feeling right and so that's also an
01:08:47
immediate reward I was thinking about this idea of discipline and what creates discipline and I was
01:08:53
hypothesizing if there were to be a discipline equation what it might look like and I kind of concluded that
01:08:59
there's three parts to the things and areas in my life where I've been able to maintain discipline and the equation
01:09:05
looks something like this the start of the equation would be the why like
01:09:10
however much I valued that goal so it could be going to the gym or whatever Plus the reward that I got from
01:09:19
the pursuit of the goal so the perceived reward I got from the pursuit of the goal so that's actually like going to
01:09:25
the gym doing the exercise being on the treadmill the feeling after walking home
01:09:30
like the you know and then minus the cost of the pursuit of the goal so that's like having to like leave the
01:09:37
house get in the Uber put my shoes on travel for 45 minutes wa you know use lose two hours and if you want to be
01:09:44
disciplined in any are of your life you need to therefore increase the why in
01:09:49
whatever way you can get really really clear on why that matters and in your case create those packs like a social pack a financial pack whatever to make
01:09:55
it really important to you do whatever you can to make the reward of the pursuit of the goal more enjoyable might
01:10:01
be going with a friend or something going to a gym that's closer I don't know and then do everything you can to
01:10:06
reduce the cost of the pursuit of the goal so right and the problem is that the costs are often immediate yeah right
01:10:13
and then we we fall into What's called the present bias or sometimes it's called temporal discounting which is
01:10:19
that often we value what's happening in the moment more than the same thing if
01:10:24
it was to happen in the future right um and that's true for both like bad things and good things things that are just
01:10:30
happening now our brain is like oh I'm going to decide what to do based on this immediate thing and the problem is that
01:10:37
the costs are often immediate right to go 100% go yeah they come first right so you have to overcome those costs and I
01:10:43
think one and as you're saying one thing you could do is to try to get those rewards closer in timee right so if I go
01:10:49
to to the gym I have to like walk to the gym I might tell myself okay I can listen to a podcast while I'm walking so
01:10:56
exactly exactly while I'm running yeah Simon synic threw a really when I was at his house talking to him about this he threw objection at me he was like yeah
01:11:03
but this morning in La I got out of bed and went and emptied the bins at 7: a.m.
01:11:09
because I knew if I didn't and there would be repercussions so I ran that through this framework and I was like well your y was strong because the
01:11:15
repercussions of you not getting out of bed are the been overflows you probably get fined by the local Council the
01:11:21
reward of the pursuit of the goal really wasn't there and the cost fortunately was lower than the Y so discipline
01:11:28
occurred right and and that's because we're sophisticated creatures right we're not only driven I mean those
01:11:34
things immediately are are strong but we're not only driven by them we have these frontales right we're
01:11:40
sophisticated creature we can value things that are in the future so when I'm saying and I say you know immediate
01:11:46
is important I'm not saying future isn't important for us and we don't use that we do right and we're able to do that um
01:11:53
another thing that people do is they act actually put in artificial costs for not
01:11:58
doing the right thing like a social pack is one where announced it to the world world on my Instagram that I'm going to
01:12:05
do it yes then there's a reputational cost if I don't right right and uh for example you know there's there's silly
01:12:11
things where people say I've heard this when uh for writers and they tell I tell
01:12:17
the friends you know I'm going to send you my chapter Monday at 700 a.m. and
01:12:22
first of all that's that's a pack right I mean I have to send it because I told you not because you're even going to read it right but if I don't then I am
01:12:30
you know $100 is going to come into your account like maybe you even already put it you know as like a future thing which
01:12:35
you can stop right so there's a cost you put a cost to what will happen if you don't do that immediate
01:12:42
thing just goes to show I think fundamentally that we're just driven by incentives you know we think it's
01:12:48
something else but really at the very fundamental level everything just seems to be about incentives in business and work in relationships in life absolutely
01:12:56
I mean every decision every action conscious or unconscious is very much about incentives right the good and the
01:13:03
bad I think what's interesting to me is that those incentives are quite variable
01:13:09
they can be money um they can be food they can be like social interactions
01:13:15
variety they can be variety yeah so the what the incentives are is very variable
01:13:21
what you know what the good that I'm getting also the bad right what what feels bad a lot of different things can
01:13:28
feel bad so interesting so if you go if you go down to like creatures low in The
01:13:33
evolutionary scale I think for them things are more basic right for them it's just like food temperature right
01:13:40
things like that that are really about survival but as we go up and up and up the ladder and we get to humans for us
01:13:48
there's a lot of different things that can be incentivizing I was saying to one
01:13:53
of my colleagues the other day in a business that I'm like a an investor in he was telling me about one of his team
01:13:59
members who was like just a bit had lost the love of the her work MH and he told
01:14:05
me the list of reasons she had said in the like exit interview as to why she wasn't enjoying her work and I looked at
01:14:11
the list of things and intuitively it felt like the person didn't actually know why
01:14:18
they weren and drink their work anymore and so I had a conversation with this person who was leaving this company and
01:14:24
um we got the very bottom of it and at the very heart of it was just a loss of meaning in the job they were doing they
01:14:29
couldn't answer um why it mattered anymore they thought the work they were doing no longer mattered and when you'd
01:14:36
asked them they would have said a lot of other things you know they would have point to small little things in this and that and the office and whatever else
01:14:42
and the music that's playing and the but at the very heart of it was actually just an absence of meaning and people aren't I don't think very good at
01:14:48
understanding that they've lost meaning or that meaning is so important or that what it is yeah and that goes back to
01:14:54
the survey that I mentioned um where they found that the number one thing that was important for people's happiness was meaning and what does
01:15:00
meaning mean does mean um I guess is that what
01:15:06
you're doing is valuable right to um yeah two so that's
01:15:12
a good question I think it's probably Beyond yourself I don't know maybe it is
01:15:18
even something about immortality right wanting to feel that
01:15:23
what I'm doing is going to changed something Beyond Myself um and it's it's
01:15:29
not necessarily about generosity although you know generosity and could be part of it but it's more about making
01:15:35
of a difference right Steve Job had had this um saying that he he said something
01:15:41
like a dent in the universe right making a dent in the universe I think a lot of
01:15:46
people want to do that and it you know it don't have to invent the Mac to do that it could also be how you affect
01:15:54
your family how you raise your children right and that thing that those are the
01:15:59
kind of things that can continue to be even when you're not there I've noticed
01:16:04
this trend gen Z and the younger Millennials are the change the world generation and
01:16:12
what I mean by that hit me out is that I have so many young kids coming up to me
01:16:17
especially over the last what of 10 years generally that would say to me I want to change the world and you'd ask
01:16:23
them like what do you mean that say like I want to change the world um they can't tell you necessarily what they want to
01:16:29
change about it but they want to be the person that had that impact on the world
01:16:35
and I I think that sits in contrast to what my father would have said as a 65y old man if you had asked him at 20 years
01:16:42
old what do you want to do in your job I don't think my dad would have said change the world I think he would have said I want to be a structural engineer
01:16:48
you know what I mean and I think the going back to your point about um habituation and people's desire to like
01:16:55
I don't know for immortality is it plausible that because of social media
01:17:01
because we've seen a lot of world changes we've adjusted our own I don't know expectations of what are our own
01:17:08
contributions to now that this Young Generation if they're not changing the world or if they're not having such a
01:17:14
profound impact on things they don't have the level of meaning has habituated
01:17:20
to now the base minimum of impact they need to have is to change the world you see what I mean you can't just get a job
01:17:26
right and when I when I said about a dent in the world I did not mean as as I said before
01:17:31
I don't mean like inventing the Mac it could just be making a nice meal that
01:17:37
people enjoy right or something it could be it could be things that are quite small and you know thinking about your
01:17:44
father he wants to be an engineer but he wanted to be an engineer but why right
01:17:49
he said that's what he wanted to do but why did he want that right so he probably I don't know but maybe he
01:17:55
wanted to be that because that would enable him to create new things MH right and so in
01:18:01
just creating new things you're changing the world so I think I don't think he
01:18:07
was aiming at that though whereas the young kids that come up to me they're like aiming at that so they want to like
01:18:12
they want to change the world and they haven't figured out how whereas my dad wants to be like an engineer and the consequences he ends up changing the
01:18:18
world yes but he probably wants to be an engineer for some reason right I could guess um and think he doesn't you know
01:18:25
people don't think about it change I mean it's just we're using the same words but I think these perhaps
01:18:32
different Generations have different aspiration right um because changing the
01:18:38
world I when we say those when I say the words I don't mean like changing the
01:18:43
world right I'm just saying saying doing something that creates a change in your
01:18:49
world I mean maybe that's a better way to do it better way to say it some kind of change in your world not necess I'm
01:18:55
doing Global change like like Steve Jobs but in some way this is a luxury and
01:19:00
that's true also even for your father's generation and for this new generation right wanting to have meaning is a
01:19:08
luxury that we have because we have our basic needs right because we have food
01:19:15
and shelter um and you know just like safety the very very basic we can then start
01:19:22
thinking about meaning but on the the other hand you can say well just being able to care for my family and keeping
01:19:30
them safe that also has meaning um risk in order to to change our lives we have
01:19:38
to sort of lean into risk in K is for those people that are you know thinking about changing their lives but they're
01:19:44
looking forward into uncertainty and they're seeing risk um what advice would you give them based on what you know
01:19:49
about habituation but more broadly from the brain that's going to encourage them to take that step into the unknown where
01:19:56
they believe risk lives yeah so we quote the rock climber Alex Herold in in the
01:20:02
book and what he says is that that he has a comfort zone which is kind of a bubble around him and as he tries more
01:20:10
and more things that bubble just becomes bigger and bigger and bigger he pushes those boundaries and what happens is
01:20:17
that those things that seemed crazy to him absolutely crazy then suddenly
01:20:22
become within the real of possibility right I think the takeaway here is you
01:20:29
have to start you have to try and what is helpful to know is that when even if
01:20:36
you try small so let's say there's you their goal is quite up there it's like a huge risk right yes but just try small
01:20:45
right and then suddenly The Next Step wouldn't seem so crazy right and so on
01:20:51
and so forth we see that you know risk habituates and it helps us explore
01:20:59
different things it helps us try new things it can also go in a bad direction right because of risk habituation what
01:21:05
is risk habituation risk habituation is you do risky things when what we find is that when people do risky things let's
01:21:10
say gamble we have a study where we let people gamble um without letting them
01:21:15
know if they want or lost they just gamble gamble gamble and we tell them at the end okay they gamble they start
01:21:20
gambling just a little bit and then they the next they gamble more and more and more and more right they feel more
01:21:27
comfortable with gambling less anxious right they also feel less excited so
01:21:32
they need to gamble more and so risk really escalates because our emotions in
01:21:40
response to risk habituate so would risk escalate so that's financial and I mean
01:21:46
that could be a bad thing right so it's again it's like both things are at the same time because you might take huge
01:21:51
risks because that that are you shouldn't really take we do this with um virtual risk as well so uh we want to
01:21:59
put we what we wanted to do is test people's physical risk-taking but of course we can't put them in danger so
01:22:06
what we did is we used virtual reality and what we did is we used this game where you put the headset on and then
01:22:13
you go up the elevator to a skyscraper and you walk on a plank up up
01:22:19
up up in the air right it's all virtual have you done this I have yes I did it in New York City it was terrifying okay yeah yeah it's tering terrifying it's
01:22:26
such a puz it's it's really interesting experience because you know that you are on the ground right I know that I'm in
01:22:33
my office I know that I'm safe but at the same time my brain is completely tricked yeah it's such you know it
01:22:40
really makes you feel quite humble and how easy it is to trick your brain you're feeling really scared and when we
01:22:46
let people do that they start off by maybe taking one little step and two little steps right and then the more
01:22:53
they do it they feel more comfortable with it right they walk more and more and more take more virtual risk until
01:22:58
you know 10 trials in they're jumping right and we actually measure their their anxiety we measure skin
01:23:04
conductance response and the more they do it the less anxious they feel so they take more risk and the less excited they
01:23:11
feel so they need more risk to take to feel you know the same level of excitement um yeah and I mean on one
01:23:18
hand they're exploring more in some cases it could be dangerous for you and
01:23:23
you said in the book that people later in their careers are more likely to have accidents right um I think you said
01:23:30
athletes later in their career um have accidents more and people on con construction sites um have more
01:23:36
accidents later on in the project than at the start of the project because they start to take more of those risks it made me think about you know the the
01:23:41
study you talked about where you get people to gamble but they can't see the results yet of their Reckless Behavior
01:23:46
there's many areas of all of our lives where we're gambling with something but we can't yet see the results of that
01:23:53
behavior whether it's like with our health or whether it's habits we have like smoking I'm
01:23:58
smoking I'm uh eating this this junk crap over here and because I haven't yet
01:24:04
had the results come in the doctor hasn't yet called me and told me there's a problem I just keep going and my um
01:24:11
behavior Can escalate in those departments until I get that phone call which is like you've lost all your money or your your health is you know you've
01:24:17
got something bad that's happened yeah with long-term Investments right a lot of the Investments financial investments
01:24:23
that we make are long-term mhm right so we may start small and then we grow grow grow grow and we don't know the outcomes
01:24:29
until years later so something collapses what do you want people to to
01:24:34
come away from this conversation with what is the uh the key takeaway a lot of time people may not
01:24:41
feel so much joy in their life and then they look around them and they conclude that maybe I'm not feeling so much joy
01:24:48
because my relationship isn't that good or you know my um job isn't that good
01:24:53
and you know maybe it is but maybe they are good but they've just been the same for a while so we have to be really
01:25:00
careful right and one way you know we mentioned what you could do is just like spice it up a little bit shake it up a
01:25:05
little bit right and see what happens and and vice versa a lot of times they
01:25:11
are things that are negatively affecting your life and you don't know it because
01:25:16
they're always there social media is one example that you might you might a lot
01:25:22
of people may suspect that social media Instagram Twitter is causing them a little bit of an anxiety a little bit of
01:25:27
of stress but they don't really know for sure you can't measure it until you take
01:25:32
a break right it's a bit like the Acy noise looming in the background you don't notice it but when you stop when
01:25:39
you turn it off you're sound like that's so much better I didn't even realize that this thing is causing me anxiety so
01:25:45
I think you know experiment I think that you know the last chapter in the book we We call we call it experiments in living
01:25:52
experiment in living because it's really heart to know what are the things that are that are really good in your life
01:25:58
and what are the things that are not so good in your life until you make some changes take a break from social media
01:26:04
for a few weeks do something different for you and then you will see you write about people taking a break from social
01:26:09
media don't you yes there's a great um experiment that was conducted by The Economist hunt Alcott where he took
01:26:15
1,000 people he gave them $100 to get o um off Facebook for a month and he took
01:26:20
another 1,000 individuals and they he gave them $100 to just continue what they're doing at the end of the month he
01:26:26
came and he measured their well-being on every single measure that he had those people who quit for a month were happier
01:26:33
they were less anxious less depressed less sad so in every measure they were in a better state right and they were
01:26:39
surprised they had no idea that this was going to have such a huge effect on them but here's the even bigger surprise they
01:26:45
said that they were happier right they fully admitted it but most of them straight away at the end of the month
01:26:51
went back to Facebook right um which is really interesting because
01:26:57
you acknowledge that that thing is causing you you know a negative effect on your health so when do you go back I think there's two reasons one is you
01:27:03
gain information and knowledge that knowledge may you know it may not make you feel good but we value knowledge and
01:27:10
information and that's perhaps one reason why the people went back um it could also be something like addiction I
01:27:16
mean a lot of things um in life that you're addicted to you kind of know they're not good for you you know
01:27:22
they're not causing you have but there's need right there's something pushing you
01:27:27
there was this crazy stat I read in your book about the impact that leaving social media had had on people equated
01:27:34
to getting a $30,000 pay rise at work something like that so that that yeah it
01:27:40
was a study that was conducted by um an Italian uh scientist and what he he did he noticed
01:27:48
that when Facebook first started in 2004 it just started at Harvard right and then a while later L they went on to you
01:27:56
know a lot of IV league universities one by one very slowly and then 2008 they opened up to the world and what he found
01:28:03
is that in every University that it Facebook was introduced mental health went down what was the reason he could
01:28:09
do the study is that the university had measures of people's well-being they you know because they actually measure it
01:28:15
quite often and he can see in every University mental health went down every University and then in the
01:28:22
population um Facebook was roduced in 2008 in the next 10 years the EP
01:28:27
depression episodes were increased by 80% now you don't know quation none of
01:28:32
this tells you cation it is only correlational right interesting but you know he so he's claiming that using
01:28:40
statistical methods he estimates that potentially a quarter of this decline in
01:28:46
mental health can be due to uh social media again you can't really it's not a
01:28:52
this is why the other experiment is a little bit better because it's he the other experiment hunt alcot manipulated
01:28:58
whether people were online or not so he could actually do a control experiment and measure it right um so he could show
01:29:05
cation this other study that suggests 25% of mental health um decline was
01:29:11
caused um due to social media that's a correlational um result but you know
01:29:17
there could be some truth in it we have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest not knowing who they
01:29:24
leaving it for and the question left for you is what is one thing that people who
01:29:29
are listening could do that you know about that would improve their
01:29:37
lives how about something simple how about people just now email
01:29:44
call turn to someone and tell them they love them it would not you know doesn't
01:29:52
completely change your life but it will change your feelings at that very
01:29:59
moment Ty thank you really enjoy the conversation and I'm uh so fascinated by
01:30:04
your work and it's a real service to humanity what you do so thank you so much it's been a pleasure thank
01:30:09
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see it's actually ripped here because as one of our team members went to eat it some some shouted no we need that
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tomorrow for the hu ad check it out I know people are loving hu greens at the moment because you guys have just plastered my DMs asking for hu Greens in
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the UK but in the meantime before hu Daily Greens comes to the UK you've got to check out the bars they've just
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dropped because they are delicious do you need a podcast to
01:31:12
listen to next we've discovered that people who liked this episode also tend to absolutely love another recent
01:31:19
episode we've done so I've linked that episode in the description below I know you'll enjoy it
01:31:30
[Music]
