Rudy Rejects a Cute Guy | Ep 113 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude i'm an asian dude

you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends

so friday night we're in austin moon tower comedy festival and

a what do we do bird scooters or like i had it on my app of course i've done it before i do it i do it when i'm in oklahoma why did you act like you didn't

know what you were doing i do know what i'm doing i was zip days yeah first of all every we all bring the

[ __ ] scooter and then you just leave everybody did it did he leave everybody yeah i was like i was like half a mile

down where the [ __ ] is everybody you didn't want to stay with us you were zip zoom and zombing around

and then so i got rudy's hers kept locking on her which was very funny because she can't physically push it she's too weak yeah she's way weird so

when it locks she's like hey tito andrew hell yeah she got stuck in there it was my first time i know but it was so funny

how is it a 19 year old it's her first time on the scooter old losers like us i'd been on dozens of

times yeah how have you never been on a bird or a lime or a i don't go out yeah that makes a lot of sense no you know

what yeah so so you have to go outside there's there's no covet on zip zoomers yeah there's no well there wasn't any covet on those things

[ __ ] guy i know trying to ruin the [ __ ] podcast trust me he's doing a great job he's trying to get my zip zinger in sorry yeah there you go well

that's it cut his mic off yeah so we zip doomed around town around south congress because the goal was we

wanted to get rudy jules a pair of cowgirl boots and bob and i got her i think the dopest

yeah pair it's got little hearts on it did you like it i really like it and but we got blown up on south

congress everybody want to say hi and take a picture so shout out to austin then we had delicious delicious pizza

shout out to home sliced pizza and allison the best pizza i think i've ever had not ever no because

the element you don't expect it out of texas correct number one correct it's a surprise it was number two i was so

hungry we were big time big hunger hunger and you were like we'll wait for the mexican food later i mean because we went to a

nice restaurant wait too well okay yeah well you raged out we got to talk about that we did i didn't enrage

yeah you did we had the pizza and then we so we talked to um maddie

i called maddie matheson and i said hey because every time i'm in austin uh he's been he's been there twice with

me and i was there and then we went out to eat and he suggested we should go to this restaurant um do we need to say we don't need yeah

i need you to say it it's called soarte and how does your fancy say it how do you say it

so fan i had been there with maddie and he was like you should go back you know the chef loves you meanwhile so just let's just paint the

scenario okay so it's a moon tower comedy festival a lot of outta town is around town it's a hot restaurant right

so they're booked to the gills they don't have the room but you know andrew is hollywood and he has connections of

course so he calls maddie and goes can you call the chef to get us a room right so maddie calls the chef chef's like all

right i will make room for inside the restaurant you're set up you're all good to go you're going to get to go we show

up right and the hosts act as if they have no idea

and they're like outside is the only thing and i was like but we called in advance and she said well i think it's only down here for five and i said i

know but we have one more and no restaurant on [ __ ] earth has a five top and not a six top it

doesn't exist yeah you would just add a [ __ ] leg to the tables are even numbers two four six so a five top is

sitting at a six top table like you never go like hey you get in my car there's four people uh my only car only sits

doesn't happen it doesn't happen that's like in the restaurant so she was a little rude to us to be honest be honest

because i was being i was holding my calm and i was like there's no way that you can get well this is this is exactly what i was not being mean what was that

mean no but you yeah your face turned bright red and i am like

really red yeah and you were mumbling to yourself i walk away and i go [ __ ] believe i

mean i'll shoot up the whole block you came

out hot you sat next to me he's like i can't [ __ ] believe should i say something called matt you know i mean you were like i was like well should i

well i wanted to rectify the situation because she [ __ ] me off she literally goes no so she said she said there is no

table inside and i said what do you mean i thought there was and she goes yeah we don't that's not uh it

doesn't seat six i said we can scrunch in we have a mini person a half person yeah yeah she's a half person she's so

skinny and tiny and like we can see that's considered a human huh she's not even considered a human so we already know she's a little alien we'll get to

you in a second yeah so then i walk outside i'm bummed the [ __ ] out and i'm like what are we gonna do and

everybody was in a good enough mood that we said we'll just eat outside it's hot as [ __ ] it was muggy as [ __ ] yeah i was

sweating balls my nuts one of my nuts was inside my butthole literally inside my butthole and my penis was holding on

to the other nut that's my penis was curled into my ball your the honest truth

is inside you're like i'm andrew santina no just let's be honest i didn't want to eat it i didn't do you want to eat

outside i'm very humble mommy [ __ ] you

you are not humble yes i am no you're not yeah admit it you're like i can't believe i'm andrew santino a headliner

did i say that once facebook no but it's all everything's behind his mumbling no you're gonna need between the lines

friends i like eating outside i like eating outside but it was hot and gross i didn't want to be outside that night we

wanted to be inside yeah but so why not why are you angry because i want to be inside you're

hollywood andrew no i want to be inside all right i don't want to eat outside at a [ __ ] picnic table oh so we at a

[ __ ] five-star restaurant in the park by the [ __ ]

which was good for you do you remember what i did and i'm not handicapped yes you are all right yes you are even when

you sat down even me i was just like i was the voice

of reason how am i the voice of the reason i'm not going listen andrew tom now we'll just

eat outside and you're just ranting and raving so that's how i know there's something behind it i was annoyed that

we couldn't eat inside we deserve to eat inside you know what it is i know what it is i don't like i don't like i don't like

things that are illogical it's not logical to say i can seat five but not six it doesn't make sense no i think

what it is since you hooked it up you called maddie

right you did all that i was embarrassed i couldn't come through yeah and it was embarrassing it was embarrassing you

didn't have the power to get us inside well no cause i cuz i didn't flex any power in fact the chef saw us you had no

power that's what we went outside no no you had no power timeout power time

that's not true because it ended up being to our advantage and i'll tell you why when we went outside and we did a

thing i didn't say anything mean to the host but they had no idea that this reservation had been set up through the chef so of course maddie made a phone

call unbeknownst to us because we told him what happened we sent him photos i was like thanks for the parking lot spot

appreciate it it's so passive aggressive yeah it was i said thank you thanks for the rest love love i love sitting by the

dumpsters yeah i said me in the valley i took a picture me and the valet are going to have appetizers yeah so you

sent that to maddie no dude did you text him at all yeah of course i did would you say he said

nothing says you know the chef like sitting by the hanukkah stop

very good nothing says you know the chef like sitting in the handicapped parking spot outside but okay so let me say this so i didn't make it i said let's have a

good night we were with my friend chelsea we're all together the bad friend's crew and i said we're gonna have a good night okay

and then one of the chef comes out to to come by and say hello cause he was like hey man i'm so happy that you're back

thanks for coming and they started sending out a ton of [ __ ] they sent down a [ __ ] load of food they sent out free

shots and who took shots yeah two of them two of them yeah because i'm not drinking and so bob's

not drinking so yeah it was actually if she was very she

was speaking like bourdainish when she was like nothing says sweet like a little mexican

kiyota sauce spread evenly around the beef tongue as it slides its way into my

belly it was really smooth did you hear her in the parking lot why do i remember that because you were

drunk because you were drunk you were drunk so then food was amazing food was so good

sort is so good so then they sent out a bunch of good food and then in a moment of sheer panic

bobby was like we should bobby the whole night was like we don't need to do [ __ ] sound check [ __ ] sound check

thinking he's like a rapper from the 90s he's like we show up and guess what what then in the middle of the meal he goes

we we we should we should go do sound check i don't know why you started to get nervous the panic came over me we should do sound check we

should do sound check well i'll tell you why so you jump in a van with the whole bad friends crew and leave me there that's true i did i left you there and i

apologize but let me see and they kept sending food they kept sending literally we had

[ __ ] they sent out um prime rib they sent out beef cheek they sent out uh more [ __ ] dip more

quesadilla wow so i boxed it up brought it to the venue and this [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] goes i don't eat leftovers i

don't it's high-end food i don't eat you said i'm hungry regardless if it's mcdonald's or high-end i don't eat it in

my body it's okay it was like it was like a 200 steak that they gave i don't eat it i like fresh

well i'll say to all the fancy chefs out there i'll eat leftovers that's fine so they don't they rush to do sound check

and leave me there i'm glad we did that too because there was you know problems no problems but was there problems no no

but it was like i had to go i had to go how is this going to work

because the chairs were already out there so i'm like the chairs out we're in the chairs you know i kind of

orchestrated how it was gonna which was good because you did do a good job and when we got there the only problem was the festival had

double booked brian simpson who we love one of my favorite comics and brian was going to come due time and then trevor

got asked by bobby to come do some time too because brian wasn't gonna make it yeah and

brian was not happy that the festival made him like come to the venue then they put him in a car yeah took him away

to do another spot so he missed his spot for our show yeah and on our show trevor did a great time then we did time and

then and then the show was the show was great i guess it wasn't did you have a fun time flawless it was it was good and

when they said your name you came out there oh my god the building shook she's petrified

and she doesn't want to come out but [ __ ] it all right rudy jewels give a round of applause

[Applause]

that's the first time after where she goes i like it did you really i liked it because we chanted before we

had a little chant we said bad friends bomb bad friends bomb yeah i remember because you got to shake away the bomb

because she was worried about bombing yeah but the first joke she had was probably the joke of the night she said

she looked around and goes too many white people yeah and which is honest and it crushed it crushed but then we

turned the house lights up and there were a lot of brown were you surprised at how many brown there was yeah there were a lot we get down with brown we we

get down with brownies you know they just they just have to be [ __ ] up internally well they are yeah

you could tell like you could tell by the questions that came out of the audience yeah we have such [ __ ] up [ __ ] friends such [ __ ] up man two

brothers that didn't even sit in the same row together all right they came together and they sat 30 feet away from

magic so wait a minute you weren't you were where where were you two supposed to sit i was supposed to come over here

you weren't supposed to come at all i had to work tomorrow yeah you got to work tomorrow i caught out you called out sick yes god bless where do you work

where do you work uh an hour away wait tell me what it is an hour away the company

was called an hour away temple where temple temple temple you were jewish no no no no he doesn't look

jewish at all mexican i've never seen a mexican jew in my life but happy passover yeah yeah

wait a minute you're so you you have you work at a company called temple yeah yeah and what do they do uh small town

exactly what do you say small town then we had a hot guy the whole temple

stuff was funny yes dr drew came and did some time with us and dissected bobby's relationship with

him in addiction which was really nice and then afterwards i mean it was just a magical night and then i didn't see you

after the show well you guys went to go get pizza and so now tell me the nightmare it started unraveling the next day so

here's what happened i ended up going to my friend chelsea and i and her friend went to soho house to just have dessert

because i'm not drinking right now so i said i'm just gonna go have a little bit of dessert and then go to bed happy in my hotel and i did i had a fat ass ice

cream sundae and three chocolate chip cookies and then i went to my hotel yeah and i took a little duper pooper and i

sat on tik tok for a while and laughed and i rested my little head and i had such a nice day great you deserve it

then on the next morning yeah i go to my little airline my little flight my little tiny puddle jumper plane

37 minutes and emma roberts she was on my plane okay and the

plane is only like 12 10 people it's a little tiny plane all right so emma rob is that julia robert's daughter it's her

niece what is it oh it's her brother's daughter is that what it is i have no idea i'm just guessing that's a real

good guess thank you because you shall do it again because let me see because eric roberts is an actor yes and he has

a daughter julia roberts aunt that's right yeah you're correct okay so she was on my flight and i thought what a

good luck charm what a good luck would seem like a good cool popular actress is on my flight yeah it's gonna be a great

day yeah so i get off the flight i unload my bags smooth flight

no very very bumpy but i kept staring at emma roberts thing is everything okay and she kept turning and going like this

which i don't know if this is the white power symbol or the okay but that's what she kept doing to me and so then we got

into i got into dallas and and i said immediately i get to my hotel

i'm ready to go room's not ready but you know what what that's okay are you sure right now it's okay are you

mumbling yeah

yeah yeah but i checked in on the app already on my phone see you here's what's funny about you or what i realized is you mumble so that other

people can hear it but it's not directed at them well you tell okay you be the hotel clerk and say your room's not ready mr santino um hi welcome to the uh

four seasons it doesn't matter does it matter welcome to the marriott yeah sure okay welcome

to the residence inn try again

thank you uh-huh um i'm sorry but um your room isn't ready yet oh it's not no

it's at three o'clock it'll be ready and it's about three o'clock right now yeah um but the the guest that was sitting

there is she's packing up now so it's gonna take us a little bit no that's not a video roast beef things like that i'm

checked in on the app already i already checked on that why would you [ __ ] make a check in on the [ __ ] room's not ready that's not a big deal i'll

just leave my bags here so that's what you do so i left my bag right and then i went to my favorite area of downtown

dallas right here i went deep ellum which is my favorite i had one of my best days of my life in deep ellum this

sounds like a great day so far no no a year ago had the best day oh actually

all right a year ago i got to drive fancy cars because my buddy owns a car shop and then i got to go deep down and i danced my balls off with with my buddy

chris o'connor i remember that and i had this i saw the video so i went back to deep ellum and guess what that place that i wanted to go to yeah closed down

closed down no they just couldn't make it financially did not make it did not survive and so then okay i said

that's okay hit number one that's okay that's okay

yeah so then i walked i went to this little shop there's a little like skate shop and i bought this cool hat because i was like i like deep ellum that's a

cool cat that's cool i was like still in a good mood i'm i'm gonna have a good day right i don't give a [ __ ] yeah and i said two bad things though

uh and mine was three times three

all right so then i said not a big deal i'm just gonna get some good old texas barbecue great great idea thank you great idea so

i go to this barbecue place that's near there yeah and i sit down at the bar and i said can i order here do i need to wait in the line and the guy says you

can absolutely order here no problem i said wonderful so i said i would like the brisket and he said you got it he said brisket plate

i said sure what are the sides i said you pick your two favorites he says you got it never do that

he was a hefty he looked like he had a lot of food he had tried a lot you could tell he had tried a lot of food he's fat

yeah i just said he looks like he just he looked like he had tried a lot i'm just trying to visualize it was he

fat he looked like a guy that had tried a lot of food okay so anyway i said you pick he picked okay my number bing 196.

you get up and it is a pulled pork sandwich and mac and cheese

and i was like nope i had a brisket plate and she goes no you didn't and then i said

i mumbling i did and i said so let me let's i'm the waiter

no you uh you got a brisket plate oh is that because i definitely told him i wanted uh no i wanted the brisket

plate it says right here on the receipt pulled pork is that what it says on there brisket plate oh what did i do i mean it says sandwich

yeah i read it wrong wait i thought you did you just say that it's backwards oh it is yeah pull perks out backwards says

mac and cheese that's what it says okay because if you do it upside down it says yeah so anyway oh okay yeah

yeah it definitely doesn't [ __ ] say that but let me go okay that's fine so i went back to the bar and i said hey did you perhaps put in this is what i

wouldn't do you already took it to another level i wanted brisket it doesn't matter i wanted a bunch of sandwiches no i don't want the sandwich

okay so i went back to the bar calmly and i said hey brother was a comp huh was a calm you be the bartender okay

oh is he puking no i'm just what is it i just i've eaten a lot oh you're stuffed i'm just that's just my just

natural demeanor sorry oh hey hey brother

oh hey hey um remember when i was saying uh i i think i ordered the brisket plate and i said you choose the fun sides um

but this is a pulled pork you said choose you said chews no i meant the sides yeah

i i read two [Music] okay so literally that's exactly what happened exactly he thought i meant you

choose and but i said can i have the brisket plate you choose the sides yeah

he chose

so of course he goes all right i'll put it in for you and then i said could i get the lean brisket there was two

choices here we go we're out of lean brisket of course i said no problem

[Laughter] no problem no problem yeah so 25 minutes later i've had two dr

peppers yeah and i'm buzzing yeah you're both cause i'm hungry and i'm on sugar and i'm sure with the rage and dr pepper

the combination's not great oh the sugar and the rice so then i get my number comes up by this point

it's 486 uh 196 was the first one and i get the plate and it's a brisket plate and it's

look regular brisket is fatty this was all fat there was no meat there was this

much meat and it was fat globules on the side yeah so i sat down but if you watch the show alone

fat is fat probably that's great it is but i didn't need it because i'm not living in [ __ ] alaska without it oh

my god i forgot you're in dallas sorry so then i ate whatever i could and i thought this is okay i'm gonna [ __ ] off

to the hotel i'm gonna jerk off and go to bed yeah take a little nap before the show

you know what andrew when i'm anywhere the only food delivery system that i use is

doordash is doordash because they have the best options they do but i feel the prompt they're the kindest did you forget that one thing at the store

andrew i did now you can get snacks drinks and household essentials in 30 minutes with doordash what dinner got it deodorant

got it morning pick me up from duncan you can get all this stuff everything you need whenever wherever you need it

with doordash ordering is easy open the doordash app choose what you want from

where you want and your items will be left safely outside your door with the contactless delivery drop off setting

that's right they connect you with the restaurants you love right now and right to your door they got over 300 000 partners in the united states puerto

rico canada and australia you support your neighborhood go-to's or choose from your favorite national restaurants like

popeye's roots which one's your favorite cheesecake factory oh cheesecake factory for a limited time bad friends listeners

get 25 often zero delivery fees on their first order of 15 or more when you download the doordash app and enter the

code badfriends2022 that's 25 off up to a 10 value and zero delivery fees on

your first order when you download the doordash app in the app store and enter codes bad friends 2022

don't forget that's code bad friends 2022 for 25 off your first order with

doordar drawer dash subject to change terms apply you know our good friend joe rogan joe he loves the stuff yeah yeah

you know those times when you're into what you're doing and you just can't think about anything else the times when

you're at your most focused and productive yeah psychologists call that feeling of being in the zone flow state

flow state and alpha brain from on it is the ultimate way to get there yeah that's right a world-renowned

neurotropic supplement with over one million bottles sold alpha brain you've heard of it you've seen it before promotes cognitive functions including

memory mental speed and focus as you can tell i take a lot of alpha brain that's why i can talk so fast i can help you remember names zero in on complex tasks

and think more clearly under moments of stress alpha brain contains amino acids and plant compounds that promotes the

brain's release of alpha waves which are associated with greater creativity and productivity that's pretty insane

because you know what coffee and energy drinks they make you really jittery sometimes i know when you have too much of that stuff you can feel it this stuff

does not do that to you and i got to tell you any reason you don't like it they get your money right back to you give us two weeks at that point you

don't feel like alpha brain is a fit for you just tell them why they'll refund your money right on the spot no return necessary alpha brain does this promotes

focus and concentration supports cognitive function and memory great for helping you get into the flow state that

feeling of being in the zone it's sold over a million bottles and has a money-back guarantee to save ten percent

off your order go to on it.com bad friends ten percent off your order by going to onnit.com

bad friends then on my way home i get a little phone call from raj sharma you know our friend raj i like him

raj is a dad he's from there and he was opening for me and uh and raj says hey

buddy you're not gonna believe this and i almost threw my phone can i guess or

no on the highway i almost threw it right on the highway i'm not kidding he missed his flight something about the flight he's not there

no even crazier he was in houston last night somebody stole his [ __ ] bag

with his car keys so he had all of his [ __ ] in his travel bag someone stole it so raj gets robbed and santino is ready

to jump off the [ __ ] freeway yeah cause i've got three hours to find someone to [ __ ] open the show oh

yeah it was really fun so i'm calling around i'm thinking hey who can who can doesn't anybody know anybody does anybody know anybody yeah and

everybody's like yeah but this guy's out of town and this guy's here he's headlining he's featuring for somebody i'm scrambling and yeah raj can't get

back he goes i've got i've i've got us i'm gonna have a locksmith come but by the time i get there it'll be nine o'clock you know what i do sometimes

though is like i always go because i've done last minute like like bookings for openers yeah and those well you know i

have this thing i gotta do so right and i just go how much are they paying you i'll pay you more yeah did you do that

no no but with you the reason he was in houston was because he was with um no i'm just saying when you're calling

dallas the round comments oh oh dude i offered anything i didn't care about the money i was like i'll give you whatever you need i need someone to come do the

show right okay i was like what the [ __ ] i'll do anything but everyone was either gone that could feature or it was like host and i was like i need someone that

can feature do 30 minutes yes and so i was like scrambling luckily raj came through with a guy paul varghese who was

great so [ __ ] funny yeah but the show was great the show was great but i had so

much stress that day that i feel like i under i didn't you underperformed i just you know when

your mood is shifted and you're not [ __ ] swinging in the defense that's what that's the hard part of doing stand-up because sometimes you do two

shows on the night you know we have to do clubs yeah right and sometimes you know especially the second show friday

night yeah it's just rowdier you're tired everyone's drunk yeah and it's like you know and you have and you don't

feel funny sometimes you know you have to perform and be funny when you're you're not when you're when you've got

other stuff your head yeah so anyway i did the show was overall it was great it was a good success it was [ __ ] great

almost we came close it was really really close we just missed out because dallas didn't show up for daddy okay but

um but anyway but it okay that was fine and then i went home to the hotel and i

thought i just i got to get back we got bad friends tomorrow i got to get back to the house i want to get a good

night's sleep i am in the middle of a mexican stampede

party time excuse me i don't know what's going on outside there's a i think the alamo is down there now that was

you mean the no that's in san antonio i think they moved it up to dallas they can do that they were having a party right and they i think they had saved

the alamo again because there were low riders and gunshots and people yelling and they were bumping music did you hear this

until 2 45 in the morning so so you couldn't sleep at all you didn't get any sleep right try to jerk off couldn't why

because i i i i i every time every time i'd get close you know whatever i cannot

my two when i'm jerking off and there's a random iii it just throws me off i

couldn't do it yeah yeah yeah i get right there i'd go you know when you hear your toes curl and i go yeah oh yeah yeah yeah i go great and then it would just

wet noodle out of my hand but you do but what i do in that stream is i i always immediately go to mexican porn i did

i didn't get any [ __ ] sleep so the next morning i'm going downstairs to get a coffee to get to the airport and all i

want is a nice little cup of cappuccino and i get my little cup of cappuccino and my handle on my bag braves it breaks

right up you swear to god it rips right off my [ __ ] back i literally was like this

about i'm in a ben stiller movie i am ben stiller in a ben stiller movie yeah yeah what's on my handle my airpods

right yeah it's attached to the bag the case so my airpods snap with that yeah

right i spill coffee everywhere so i go buy another [ __ ] coffee i

apologize to everybody for spilling a coffee on leather couch yeah yeah i sit down i finish this new coffee yeah and

then i get in the [ __ ] car to go to the airport and as i look at my phone bing your

flight is delayed oh as i'm in the [ __ ] uber right and then i go god damn it

i just no this one's out loud and the driver is like what's going wrong sir i'm like drive

so then i open up my [ __ ] airpod case i heard a little accident from the driver was a a specific right is

everything okay yeah he's just a white dude i mean we're from fort worth

and i opened up my airpod case and one of two air pods is in there you [ __ ]

it so so when the bag fell oh my one of the airpods popped out that right there i would have killed myself oh i almost

choked out the driver yeah that right there if you didn't have one of those cameras recording me i would have with a shoelace

right so you know what you can do huh right is you know you don't have to they have those vending machines at the

airport the high-tech ones i looked for it they didn't have one dallas doesn't have a high-tech vending

machine not a terminal not at [ __ ] gate 837 they had none of them right because i got to tell you something and it was delayed and i said can we go back

to the hotel real fast oh and because my flight's delayed by an hour so he goes uh okay he turns really

quickly we're only like four streets up i go back to the hotel i look nothing it's nowhere to be found i i scoured i

couldn't find it i don't know i can't imagine you're on your own are you in your hands and hands and knees are you sweating sweating

no mumbling no just out loud no no i'm out loud

anybody find a [ __ ] headphone yeah yeah everybody thinks i'm crazy so i guess you know i've been funny if it was

already one of in your ear i get back in the [ __ ] uber i get to

the [ __ ] airport i have one headphone in i don't care it is what it is the flight keeps getting [ __ ] delayed and

at this point i hadn't really had anything for to eat because i thought well i'm just gonna get to the airport i'll have something this is today yeah

yeah this is today so mcdonald's was the only thing that was near me but mcdonald's line was massive i just was like [ __ ] this because it was the only

thing that was open yeah like when you go to new york or like l.a mcdonald's is pretty chill but when you go to dallas

maybe mcdonald's is busy it was a really big i mean dude they were like in moscow like they love it i dude yeah yeah i

felt i felt like pride when it comes this was like kfc in china do you know what i mean a thousand people on the line yeah yeah

and so anyway i sit down i think okay i'm just gonna get on the flight they'll have food on the plane i'll be fine

i get you this is it sounds fake i get on the [ __ ] plane and a guy is sitting in my seat

i hate it dude yeah i go i lit calmly go i think you're uh you're in me i'm in that uh did they ask you something i

mean may i ask someone yeah you say calmly but because of the last 12 hours no but i approached him well

are you sure you're the guy sit there reading your ipad is this guy the same guy

i'm not that talented so you know okay i have one or two characters so yeah try a different one ah wow

neil brennan there's a war in ukraine excuse me yes i

think you're in i think that's my seat no um well let's read this article

i think that's my seat look that's my seat i think oh well can you just sit at the oh

is that what he said what do you say he said this he goes his the guy in front of him who looked sick or hung over or

something looked wrong with him he goes oh do you mind switching then yeah you don't do it you

don't listen to me okay you don't make the assumption that the person so sit in

your regular seat when the guy comes out and then you ask correct yeah i

don't like that i was pissed i was like that's rude yeah so then i can't say no otherwise i look like a bad guy you have

to say no and so i said yes so i sit and i sit in the seat because it's isle to isle yeah so fine whatever it's one row

back whatever i go and sit down and then sure enough a young man gets on and goes uh that's my

seat and i was like what ticket did you have i said

to the guy he goes oh it was the window one i'm sorry and i was like

no problem no problem so i scoot over all right and i think god just give me some [ __ ] food and give me a diet

coke so i can just be happy can i may i ask what airline is american okay so we

know the food it's no no you did we didn't have this this is way worse than what you think because the the food on the way there

was [ __ ] [ __ ] terrible it was i said it was a cold egg sandwich yeah this

gets even worse do you know why i booked row earlier rows the higher in the rows because i know they're going to run out

of the good [ __ ] by the time they get to the back ah i never even think of that i always do that yeah because we've done

that i had the earlier row but now i'm in a row back and guess what what's the cut off so when this

when this woman when this woman gets to me yeah she literally says would you like lunch i

said yes what are the options yeah and she said we only have one left and i was like is it fruit what's the one you have

left yeah and she said shrimp salad and i was like [Laughter]

who the [ __ ] was a shrimp salad gross shrimp salad i wouldn't even eat shrimp

salad in the nicest restaurant in the world sure i go it's so gross the combination ramp salad yeah she goes

yeah they took all the others the other salads are gone and i wanted to [ __ ] murder the guy that i had to switch

seats with may i ask you something um i ate [ __ ] peanuts that's what i [ __ ] like all right i had peanuts up

until 5 p.m can you not take the shrimps off of the salad oh no what happens oh no no no

it's cut up and mixed in it's mixed in i guess shrimp is a wet thing it seeps into the

dear american airlines who the [ __ ] wants shrimp on a [ __ ] airplane well if you look at the pamphlet there's

always the chef that has photo yeah well let's call that [ __ ] [ __ ] so then this is this is one more beat to this

whole scenario okay one more beat yeah so i'm like no thank you that's it's

it's fine i don't i'll just take the peanuts and my in a diet coke okay yeah

never got a diet coke didn't get a diet literally didn't get a diet coke no big deal i just i just can't ask you okay uh at this point yeah

i've had enough okay okay i've had a [ __ ] nuff yeah the worst part of all this is

here we are sorry this is backed up before the shrimp we're about to take off yeah and

i'm on my ipad i'm watching my good friend our good friend tony hawk's new documentary yes which i texted him and i was like tony this is amazing yeah and

he was like thank you it is have you seen it till the wheels fall off no [ __ ] it's so good okay it's so good so i

texted tony really great i'm watching my live room i said i did watch it though it's already out you're we already know

you didn't watch it yeah unless you watch it by the time this comes out no but i saw him last week and then oh you lied yeah i lied in front of him i'm

going to tell him that you lied i'm going to text him and tell him that you look like he'll do that i'm about to when the show's over this is already going to be out yeah and i'm going to

text them anyway okay okay so then so then i said

um so then i'm watching the documentary i'm enthralled and i've only got one headphone in yeah and and the

the the flight attendant who is a thousand years old okay comes creeping

down and goes excuse me please detach the ipad from the keyboard

and i i even took this one out so i could hear how [ __ ] insane this was wait let me ask you something okay

so you have an ipad and you have a keyboard attached to it yeah so so ipads come with like a nice a flip stand it's

awesome it's like a ghost stand that like makes it hover and the keyboard is a lot easier than typing on the ipad i see so it makes it so why

is it illegal to have that okay so she says can you detach the ipad from

the keyboard and i said uh i can what do you mean i was like we we can use ipads right and she goes you can

keep watching on the ipad i need the keyboard detached from the ipad for takeoff yeah and i turn to the man next

to me and he literally goes like this what the [ __ ] i've never heard of that i

fly for a living i'm on a plane constantly yeah never never heard of that never yeah so i say

okay but can i ask why i've literally never heard of that and she goes i'll tell you why because meanwhile the

announcements are going on so i detach the [ __ ] thing yeah and i stuff it in the [ __ ] thing and i sit there with

the [ __ ] ipad and i'm just watching away like what could it be she comes back to me two three minutes later when

the announcement is done and she says i'm not kidding you can't make this up she goes i'll tell you why because during

9 11 she literally said she looked around and goes during 9 11 yeah the guys were communicating on a keyboard uh

on a keyboard computer um before it's actually in our handbook yeah and i said

no one has ever in a million [ __ ] years she said this to me and she goes well then those flight attendants are

not doing their job so thank you by the way

lady if you think the terrorists were communicating via ipad keyboard and

that's how they crack the case on america they weren't there let me just say something

there were no ipads in 2000 2001. yeah what the [ __ ] are we talking about what are you talking about so i just accepted

it i took the lumps it didn't matter yeah i got home i landed i took my [ __ ] stupid uber back to the [ __ ]

house and sat in easter traffic wanting to kill myself and i just got here about an hour after i got to my house so

really good to see everybody here really good to see you and that was we were a little late so

did that make you angry it was fine let me ask to tell you

something okay i've been on flights before this is a little lesson to you right yeah this has literally happened

where i've sat down and a mother's come to me hi so me and my daughter right couldn't get so can we sit there

so we can set because you're and i this no no

absolutely not but see this do you even ask where the seats are do you go well where's your seat i don't care it's enough i'm

because something might happen like the [ __ ] shrimp like what do you think yeah yeah i don't want a shrimp fiasco right so i

say no yeah and i'm not being rude not again you're right it's not as if the daughter's on a different flight and if

we're going to go down i'll hold her hand right here i'll go it's all right sweetie

now they say you know in case the oxygen masks come down right put it on your face first and it didn't help

they have to put it on the kid not me no i put it on the kid foot first while my head explodes

so that's who i am right that's nice but we're not switching scenes i i i assure you lady we're not okay

yeah yeah well no i i don't exactly always say no but i respect that you're right yeah but i i have done this a

thousand times on planes yeah because i travel alone someone goes my brother my daughter my boyfriend my girlfriend my

husband my wife can i ju will you ju and i always go yeah where's where is your seat yeah and then when they go it's

there and i have done i've gone i'd prefer to sit in the aisle i'm sorry yeah you know what it is it's like

because it's their [ __ ] seat it's also their fault it's so uncommon you're trying to make us uncomfortable baby

yeah when did you book the flight yeah yeah yeah who did this for you yeah why did you put you there and you there i i don't want to be hacking but can we even

go back to now the rules right what do you mean in terms of like how about this the window thing has to be up when you

take why why yeah well i want it down so when it catches on fire i can see yeah i

want to see the engine go i want to see it fly up yeah yeah number two right the trade table has to be in

the upright position why why why does the seat need to be not it can't be back why why why

if the plane crashes i'll put out if the plane crashes i'll put my seat back up once we've crashed right and i'll get

off the plane exactly yeah or or my arms and my legs will be inside some other guy's face

and it won't [ __ ] matter it doesn't matter yeah the rules in that [ __ ] thing it's absolute [ __ ] yeah this

is my favorite part detach the keyboard my phone i was texting on my phone yeah by the way the keyboard that's detached

from the ipad the ipad still has a [ __ ] keyboard yeah on it yeah it's a keyboard yeah the whole thing is a

[ __ ] keyboard it's touch screen one time i was on a flight all right it the the seatbelt sign was on right and i

had to go to the bathroom right there was a little turbo turbo turbulence a little bit of turbo right and i unh i

stand up and the flight attendant is like excuse me sir right you're not supposed to be sitting and i said

you're standing what are you balanced queen

were you a gymnast yeah did you go to balance school give a lot of [ __ ] you know abilities you do if we were on a

lake on that log thing i would win you would win the running yeah you sit down you

sit down yeah yeah i hate it no i don't like that i don't like it well also you know i heard a guy one time say a woman

goes sir you have to be seated he goes it's not a law i can go to the bathroom if i want it you know it's not a law it's not a law not a law i'm going to

write that down it's not tell me what the laws are i want to know

i want to know because you know what i did on this planet yeah yeah and i do this on every flight and i've said it once i've said it i've said it on my

podcast i've said it on this podcast and the truth is the truth of the truth i'm six foot one the bathrooms are

always very tiny exactly the toilets are kind of hard to get to yeah i pee in the sink what

hello tushie i love going to the bathroom here at our studio because we have a hello tushie

lined up in our toilet it makes my butt butt makes your butt hole the hole yeah the

hole very very clean the cheeks are the cheeks don't get touched but i gotta tell you something 2022 don't just make

a commit to wash your hands every time you poop go the extra mile and wash your butt let's talk about the gift that keeps on giving the hello tushy bidet

cleans your butt way better than wiping cut your toilet paper use down by 80 saves trees and thousands of gallons of water used to convert them into toilet

paper and it comes with a book full of poop jokes my butthole is in love i love

washing my butthole with the sushi hello toshiba day and it's very clean and my

butt smells good it sure does smell good it washes your bum with fresh water for a way better clean than just toilet

paper simply pat and dry bob and i do use this i have one at the house we have one here yeah it does cut

down on toilet paper which i think is good for the ecosystem and it's good for your butthole because your butthole wants to be clean you don't want

tingleberries gross so go to hellotussy.com bad friends to get 10 off

plus free shipping wow this is a special offer for our listeners go to hellotushy.com

bad friends for 10 off give the gift of a clean bum to yourself or your loved ones and get 10 off plus free shipping

right now at hellotushy.com bad friends tag us at hello tushy on social media so we can celebrate your clean bum that's

hellotissue.com bad friends better help oh man during the pandemic and even now

you know i've gone through some problems yeah some troubles we've all had and i use better help and i love online therapy and i love this service people

don't always realize that physical symptoms like headaches teeth grinding and even digestive issues can be

indicators of stress and let's not forget about doom scrolling sleeping with too little sleeping too much and

under eating and overeating this podcast is sponsored by betterhelp and i got to tell you we've talked about them before we like them we've used them i think

it's great if you're into getting help traditional offline therapy can be very expensive

that's the good thing about this you do this from the comfort of your own home they have video chat sessions you don't have to have the camera on if you're like i don't want them to see what i

look like i just want to talk to somebody you can do that it's much more affordable also than in-person therapy

give it a try and see if online therapy can help you lower your stress what about you jules better help is customize online therapy

that offers video phone and even live chat session with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if

you don't want to that's right this podcast is sponsored by betterhelp and our bad friends listeners who are going to get 10 off their first month at

betterhelp.com bad friends that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p-com

bad friends i p i peed on this flight sink and you know what it was particularly because of

the shrimp salad i wasn't gonna do it yeah i was gonna be in the regular toilet but then i thought

no i literally i literally was i whipped out my dinger and i and i had the toilet seat up and i just looked at the sink

and i said shrimp salad and i turned my piss around i pissed right in there i endorse that

right can i just say something else i love bathrooms in human homes not the airport

airplane right have the same suction as the [ __ ] toilets on the yes i need that i want that too right what is that

technology i don't know yeah it's like the devil is like give me the [ __ ] yeah yeah it's the best technology it's

amazing yeah yeah you know what actually uh when i when i get up get like my forever home or my dream home yeah you

know what i do want eric andre has urinals in his house he has urinals and i was like i've never seen that i want a

[ __ ] i want a urinal i want you could put one in your house i don't have any [ __ ] room yeah yeah yeah i have a small house no but your bath that front

bathroom you could put a urine on there i could probably i think you should quick tip though your sink is just like a urinal at home

i know but you know what my no no my sink angle isn't as nice the reason i use airplane sinks is because at six one

the sink is right right literally my balls yeah are hovering right above the sink wow it's perfect it's almost like

they designed it it's like a guy took out a measure he's like that'll be his nuts will be right which means that you can see your own nutsack through the

mirror yep that's strange well and i and i swing them and i swing them back and forth yeah even i can tell they're

nervous yeah like right as they they brush the metal they're like whoa whoa whoa it'll be cold yeah and they don't want

to have to climb up the rope yeah so i let them hang right above it no and you know what even though the

whole the fro dallas was awesome i loved it the show was great i had a great time aside from all the other [ __ ] i do

[ __ ] love dallas the show was great i was just in my head because you want to i want to be a pr have a perfect show

and uh it makes it all better to know that we're here with my bad friend's family let me ask you this question um

the weekend in general because friday was magical friday was saturday was a disaster no it it the the comedy part

was amazing stand-up was good but all the elements around it were so would you like out from one to ten your weekend

what is it friday eleven no just all you can all of it the whole weekend

oh right oh friday was at eleven okay yeah and saturday was a what saturday was a day

it was a three it was it was like a four and a half four five yeah so the whole week and you would say generally it was

a seven weekend eight i'll give it an eight because because friday was so magical again yeah no it was good yeah

did you have a good time yeah i had to tell us about your experience rudy um

i really had a good time with the scooter but i was while riding it i thought that i was gonna die and hit hit

a car and then my head would just fall off fall off she was she was

going so [ __ ] slow she oh yeah scared they go up to 20 miles an hour

maybe yeah it says it on the little screen i was going um nine nine nine

nine nine nine so we would have to keep stopping and here's what's funny about those scooters of people that know if you stop for too long or go too slow

they lock because they think you're gonna park it right so her's [ __ ] locked yeah and that's why but we were like just go meanwhile bobby was on x

games jumping in and out of the middle of the street i love it you did you did get to a little close to getting in car

trouble yeah yeah oh dude so when i so after friday night

so after friday i didn't tell anybody where did you guys go by the way after so we had pizza again you had pizza again yeah yeah and then you went back

to the hotel so it was me adam eggett and trevor wallace yeah we decided to go eat pizza right and it's pretty far from

my hotel so guess what i do scoot scoot zoom zoom right

uh spent yeah thousand dollars on bird scooters probably yeah and i wiped out you fell

real bad yes because i was i had my map quest thing on because i didn't know the hotel

room mapquest what is this 04 google maps right i'm at google maps

right and it's dark but there's a little light from the bird right from the scooter yeah it does have a little shine right

and i hit a curb it flipped i slid on my stomach like this like i i

went like five feet right but it's like nothing happened but it

wasn't bad no but i got like a little like the wind knocked out of me yeah a little kind of cuss

right and people saw me started laughing oh yeah and then uh did anybody recognize you

yeah somebody drove by and goes nosotros papaya i don't know what that means that's a little slogan from tiger belt you know what it means and i um

it went really slow after that you went down

because i was like yeah i didn't want to do that you could really hurt yourself so rudy give the assessment of how you did on stage you think because because

we'll tell you something after the show you were back in the dress dress she was like scared here in the

headlights i mean after the show i immediately fell asleep because i was so tired

this is funny comics will talk about this this is why a lot of comics use drugs or drinking and everything people

want to know about like because you come down so hard people want to get lifted up again so that's why sometimes comics

will go out to eat or go drink drink or go to do drugs or go party because you want to feel up again because you drain

all your adrenaline all your endorphins are gone you passed out like that that's good that that means you did that

means you had your you were elevated and you delivered yeah you delivered dude the crowd was

[ __ ] so when you first went out there how did it feel i would i was like really scared but

then when i saw the crowd and then they cheered i kind of it was good see it's going to her head a

little bit that's why i told her she has to get a job what are we going to do to get what job are you going to get

like in campus like maybe a waiter no we got to get you a real job i can't

work outside i know a guy that works for the city yeah under the table i know a guy that works for the city that paints

you know the paints uh new lines on the streets yeah yeah and they need somebody you can paint street lines

yeah you can hold a big paint gun i'll try yeah yeah yeah okay well but i i

could because she had the twinkle in her eye yeah she could feel it yeah yeah she was

just like i like this and it scared me because it's like she's only 20 years old right yeah you know now she's like

you know it was 1700 seats 1800 seats sold out it was totally sold out yeah it was amazing

full of energy they cheered for you and in my in my head because i feel like i'm kind of a parent and you know you

are that you're you know we're aware and i just kind of go you know she needs to get a regular job

to know how your right life is to level it out to level it up because i got to tell you something after the show i said

you walked out to go find adam and she was in the bathroom smoking a cigarette

and she was on the phone and i go right right rudy what are you doing she goes i'm on the phone with my agent yeah and then she put out the cigarette

right like on the counter and i go rudy and she goes someone will clean it up don't worry [ __ ] and then she walked

away right and she's getting a little too yeah a little hollywood for me even for me

you know yeah it's like when we get an uber she's like no exile that she literally yeah yeah you always say that

no yes you do yeah we're paying for it you never pay she i don't pay she literally goes yeah it's premium or black

she goes i don't i won't somebody go should i just get an uber she goes if you're getting a regular uber i'll walk yeah that's how [ __ ] restaurants you

know what she does now it's like we'll be at a restaurant like a steak house yeah and she'll just go tomahawk

like the most the most expensive tomahawk i don't even know that word oh [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] liars [ __ ]

right i don't like you pr tomahawk the whole thing she did she ordered the most expensive stuff at the mexican right

right and she wanted so a guy in the thing right there was a short muscly guy what was his name his

body was muscle he was strong he was strong but very very handsome and low to the earth very

short could have been he was semi dwarf he yeah semi

he had to hit a little bit he had a little person vibe a little bit of little lp in him yeah little tiny lps he was cute yeah he was cute yeah then why

did you give him the false a false you gave him a fake number yeah you did why because you were like you really don't

want to hang out with him no so what he said was he said rudy will you go out with me and then we made fun of him and then rudy was like he is cute and then

so he came up and we said well okay let him shoot a shot i guess he was 29 yeah

and we were like little little well whatever okay you're 20 you can do whatever you want

so then he comes up and then he you said he says well let me get the digits seal the deal that's what brian simpson says

seal the deal and we both saw you were giving him [ __ ] yeah i looked over i go it's not like 917. you're not you're

working in new york yeah so because you didn't want anything to do with it no good i mean good you

did it the right way you politely were like here's my number but obviously it's not my number go sit down but he was i thought he was cute i thought he was the

only height for you um he seemed like a nice guy right so what see you're you really aim high

huh what do you mean in terms of looks no i just

that's what you want higher well explain yourself why did you not want to hang out with that guy because you did say he was cute

maybe he could have been a bit taller uh he was too short um already i knew that's

what it was you gotta get a job yeah we've gotta get him preference yeah but that's cute you know

you you'll do some you do some dishwashing in the kitchen or something you won't mind a little bit you'll give me the right number yeah you'll give

them the right number just because just in case and then and then rudy why don't you tell when you got dr drew on stage

our good friend dr drew who we love and he got on stage what did you say to dr drew hi

i apologize for bobbing but you're very hot

[Applause] that's it yeah that's it that's it he's so hot she literally

doctor's wife was seven feet away and she's like right in the front row she's right there in the front row we see her

and jules looks at and says you are so hot hi drew you're so high yeah also can i just say something about your

performance friday night okay how about my about my performance yeah

i told you oh franti tell them what hap fancy opened the show he opens the show and i told him do not say that i'm going

to be performing after trevor wallace it would have been better if he i told him i go just say here's the next comic yeah

and then say my name so there's more of a surprise but he says that we're all going to do stand-up before right

no i did and yes you did yeah if you look you'll you did yeah you did yeah

i was nervous yeah i know you were very you were very nice we have to write him jokes yeah with the random jokes because

he gets out there and he was like hey everybody and everybody cheers and he goes hey everybody

twice i was like you don't you could say hi once yeah yeah and then they got a weird sweat that develops on his upper

lip it was trembling yeah yeah yeah his lip was trembling with it and the lips were extra moist yes so wet yes so wet

for no reason at all yeah yeah hey everybody hey everybody

and at that point people were concerned he had a stroke someone was like okay do you smell toast yeah yeah i got nervous

for you because he did we said to fans and by the way this is a lesson to people out there that think that stand up and all that [ __ ] and public

performance is easy he was supposed to do two [ __ ] minutes he was up there for 58 seconds 58 seconds yes probably

50 i timed it 12 of that were like cheers and hooping and hollering yeah yeah and he did

another [ __ ] 40 some odd seconds and then immediately was like he said three things hey everybody hey everybody

trevor trevor wallace everybody

hey austin how are you guys

[Music] thank you

wow i always get really intimidated in front of you guys but thank you for the love

um [Applause] so as you might know i just became an american citizen thank you

so i can't think of a better place to celebrate that than texas

but we just came from dinner to a place that says no guns what the [ __ ]

that's the whole point the only thing i wanted to do when i you know

got my citizenship was getting a gun so now anyway but yeah we have a great show for you

tonight uh yeah

my favorite comedians will be here in a second but before that we have a special surprise

yep and no it's not a little black magic

better one of bobby's favorite comedians he's such a such a funny guy and he's

gonna come here to do a little bit of his stand up with us you guys might know him from tiger belly

and his own podcast uh hey welcome trevor wallace

but could i see another thing that was like really strange and i think he might be

yeah brown magic who andreas oh why because remember he was

on the floor right because we did a questions and answers thing yes and then

we answered someone's questions and then the next thing you know he was up in the balcony he was he was so sneaky we had

one guy you get up there so fast he had one guy say hey when are you guys gonna make the bottoms of turtle island and within seconds he goes we have another

question up here and we look up and fancy's in the balcony with two women yeah and okay two women by the way that

wanted to take you out right they wanted to take the way they asked me was like kind of like scary what do you mean like

why they they they sound like they were really drunk they were high they were high very yeah

what's the problem you don't because you're you're the one that you were like i you might be bi right

yeah did you say that that you there's some curiosity yeah yeah right and here's another thing that i want to

say about you which was rude what you did andreas right just hear me out okay i'm ready for it

so you you said somebody asked why that question right when are you going to make the bottom of the turtle island that's right they said what are you

going to make what was uh andreas's response what was your response fancy [ __ ] you working

don't answer it fancy did he just say [ __ ] you to that guy yeah i'm working on it i'm working on it he's working on it

but yeah wow he's been a citizen for one month like a real american yeah

he said [ __ ] you not just [ __ ] you [ __ ] you yeah you [ __ ] that guy right off

what is so wrong with that that question didn't deserve an answer yeah why did you say [ __ ] you to that guy

i'm working on it why couldn't you've said that yeah

should i say something in front of all these people i'm going to right i'm going to take the risk right right so he's nervous all right so what are you

guys going to make about [ __ ] you [Laughter] it was so mean so mean and it was very

unlike you that's my whole thing with this he's becoming an he's a new american you know he bought a gun while we were down in austin because he wanted

a gun in texas yeah and he stayed he goes i'm going to say strapped up forever now and i said you have to you

can't bring that and everywhere in l.a but he brought it to every restaurant he brought a gun into suarte and they told him to sit outside yeah he even took a

picture of the sign that said no guns be cool right yes yes because he wanted to bring his strapped up gun in there how

did you feel about the uh that night um i think it was great except for my

performance your performance was good we just have to get you tuned up if we do a bad friend's tour next year we just

gotta you know what i think i want to do it do you seriously yeah because i think that that proved to me we can do it we

can do it i think that we've if we mix in like we did friday night we did some stand-up yep to let people know that hey

we can get laughs yeah just like anyone else we're at a comedy festival because we want to show that muscle right yeah

and then one then when you sit down you know it's already we got the laps out of the way and now we can you know do a

podcast which is some of it isn't always funny sometimes you get into personal

things well we did with dr drew for sure yeah yeah so i thought that was a really good mix i thought it was wonderful so we will we'll plan a little tour and

we're going to be on a bus you want to do it on a bus yeah have you ever been on one of those tour buses no where you sleep in the bunks

um where do you shower there's a shower built into it the shower built into there or we stop and we get a hotel in

places too so we can have a room to shower and we can do both okay like some places will sleep in the bus some like

when you're on the road sometimes when you're on the road you have to um drive at night so we'll sleep who's driving

oh that's a good question the driver [Laughter]

yeah yeah you need a guy that's [ __ ] suited up on uppers little skinner do you want to have the liner skinner no

oh we're gonna do a bad friends tour probably maybe next year next year we'll do it this year we obviously can't

because i got to go back and shoot dave at the end of the [ __ ] year which is so far away already but it's going to end the year for me

yeah i i yeah 2020 we'll definitely do it we'll do it that's why i want her to get a job this summer

so that next summer when we do the tour yeah right that you could we'll let you do that that's the goal that's the goal

i think is to get you a job that we want you to do not that you want to do because if she picks a job she wants to

do it's going to be too easy no i want her a a like a hard job what do you think we should like what do you genuinely think we should get her to do

i'll be honest with you like morning shift at a barista oh i'm a busy coffee shop nightmare is a nightmare it's a

[ __ ] nightmare you've never worked at all no oh my god she's going to collect wait tables at a

really biz it's got to be because breakfast is so hard right this is a slammed restaurant and everyone is busy

you're tired and they have somewhere to be and you're [ __ ] exhausted and you don't want to be there and you have a section that you have 12 tables right

and you have to memorize what everyone has you're constantly looking at your paper people complaining where's my

ketchup can you fight customers yes yes you could physically fight them yes yeah yeah that is part of the that's part of

the server handbook it does say if they cross a line with you and your lines are your lines you're allowed to physically

attack them yeah but you're only allowed two attacks a day so you got to kind of pick and choose which tables you feel like physically well you can't i'll be

honest with you like my brother i've gotten uh two two jobs

and adam you can just remind because we're at pizza saturday night or friday night and he goes remember your brother at tempe

oh he at the tempe improv yeah because i bought so i got banned from the tempe improv congrats and so my brother and

you got banned from cap city we just told you right right so i got banned from both clubs right but tempe because

of my [ __ ] and then meanwhile in austin you showed your [ __ ] that's true yeah so but it

was a theater you can't get banned from this yeah so my bad so then um but my brother um got fired from tempe so i

begged them because my brother going asu yeah and i go you know i'm a comic you know they i know the guy

days later the guy calls me and he goes i had to fire brother i go why because he tried

to stab a waitress or threaten to stab mm-hmm right big difference between threatened and tried he didn't try but

he goes i will stab you [ __ ] or something like that well what did she say she goes you're actually complaining to the management no how did he get the

stat wanting to stab her it wasn't like because you roll silver i think his thumb was in um

like a sandwich oh well that's yeah yeah yeah yeah i get it but like dug in probably

yeah and she's like yeah [ __ ] you and he's like i'll stab you yeah like if he committed a murderer they would definitely get that print you know

yeah and then the second time he got fired was sushi dance i love sushi right so i got my job there

dan calls me he goes um i had to follow your brother and i go why and he goes he threw sushi

at the sushi chef well why because he because he yelled at my brother and my brother snapped and

threw a [ __ ] yellow tail how funny would it be while he's cutting he caught he's like oh

not betty hannah but all right we're getting you a job and we'll take suggestions by the way oh

there's there's bob showing uh yeah yeah showing the star and that's

right there fancy got so [ __ ] nervous that you were gonna open your butthole i know he was free dude he's panicking i mean

look at his hair how sweaty it looks like he jumped out of a pool he was so nervous because he was like please don't show your butthole bob yeah

so we're gonna pick we're gonna pick the job okay but but bob let's take suggestions from fans you guys in the

comments you should comment about what you guys want rudy to do uh what job you want her to do because

we want to i i think we should do that don't you think we should take suggestions at least yeah and then we'll take a final poll and whittle it down

yeah does that sound good yeah all right well listen we love you we're gonna do a bad friends tour thank you

for everybody that came out to austin thanks for everyone that came out in dallas yeah uh we appreciate you guys so

much uh bob is heading off to oklahoma to go i'll be there for 12 days shooting the second season of reservation dogs

which is a great show and if you haven't seen it please watch reservation dogs on fx why are you laughing i'm being serious okay i've seen i watched the

show yeah it was good okay those twins are [ __ ] really good they're really good they're very very talented

um anyway go ahead rudy thank you for being a bad friend

[Music] you good night baby [Applause]

[Music] [Applause] [Music]

well do you ever feel like that as a comedian do you ever feel or a performer do you ever feel why me sometimes

what do you mean i mean in the rate of success like do you ever think well why why me why was i chosen

you know is this here i'm being serious i i think the serious answer to that without any jokes is is that

i feel like when i started i knew i was gonna make a living no but not

making i'm not trying to make a living i'm talking become what you become which is extremely successful i i honestly um

this is the honest truth i feel like i'm mid-level bobby you how many people that would be so

angry at you for saying that that are so you you yeah because they're not mid-level they're bottom level

they're angry because they're about but there's a higher level so why can't i be mid-level but there is no high level because even people at high level go

well i'm not up here and then those people well i'm not up here so i'm saying there is either you're successful

or you haven't been making a living at it yet yeah and you're very successful so i'm saying do you ever think beyond

your ability because you're extremely talented i'm saying do you ever think was i chosen was i picked was this like

part of a a destiny thing well i i i i'm being jealous i'm being genuinely

genuine too i believe everything and this is going to sound so cheesy so

what i believe and i we i talked to her about this about spirituality and and stuff i

say i said to her i go i just honestly believe that everything in my past was meant to happen to lead up to this

moment right so i believe that everything i've learned lessons you know and there's choices that you make i mean

you know when you're like when i was went to rehab before i'm the one that went you know i have to make a choice here

i'm going to go like you make i could have not gone right i don't know what would have happened after that right but

i've made the right choices at the right times and i believe that instinctually there are parts of me that

are connected to something outside of myself [Music]

oh