Slept King Returns and Rudy’s New Replacement | Ep 104 | Bad Friends w/ Khalyla

you two are bad friends you are these two idiots why dude i'm an asian dude

you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends

didn't you drive together in the same farm we did but

like um yeah that was i liked it what is it like angelina jolie and um

oh no i was gonna say uh what's his name why can't i think of the dude's name bobby monahan yeah bobby boy

no angelina jolie and bob billy bob thornton

they dated but that's what you guys are you guys are that's billy bob thornton and your angelina jolie what would be the difference

is that yeah but my dick is not as crusty i feel like his dick is crusty no he's a babe

but now i think he's always been a babe ask canadians we don't have any canadians really bob thornton what he did in

canada what did he do he had to like i would act what like in a good way like an [ __ ]

like an [ __ ] yeah like a big [ __ ] no because what happened was you know he's in a band right uh that i know we

talk about it in the show we talk about the [ __ ] up man i just got out of rehab

i'm sorry you know what by the way that was my congratulations on getting out of rehab

you guys we have something for you bob we've got a trophy

bobby lee kicking the habit 2022 a little karate trophy for kicking the

habit congratulations oh i see yeah so this right here is weed that's drugs yeah so weeds coming on egos

like that smoke me smoke and then i got rid of uh porn too

old and young mostly old more old than young or whatever my fetish is older is for you

older for younger for younger yes and the reason why i like that porn by the way is because i identify with the old

man because i have such a bad self poor image so when i would google poor i don't do

porn anymore baby all right baby intimacy you are an old man too though you identify because you're an old guy

you're an old guy i am you are you're an old sweet man i just realized that huh yeah you're old but why did when i went

to rehab though why did all the kids follow me around because you act like a child ah

right but bro yep i was a leader there dude well they they

are you sure because i have a voicemail do you guys want to hear it yes yes this is a voicemail of a leader

let's hear also by the way let's let's can we welcome the wonderful kalila to

the show thank you for coming i i'm here begrudgingly because the little one has covid i know

and you guys brought it so thank you for bringing it welcome we don't have covet she got tested she doesn't have it i

know she did i know yeah you know why why when i was in arizona

right they let me escape and go to the mall right i'm double masked right yeah

and i almost got covered do you know why no tell me a lot of people recognize me okay

let's play this voicemail to bring you back down to earth is this the is this the message of the

leader over here let's hear great so awesome basically um

add dinner the food here is terrible oh my god um

it's like oz like fights breaking out it's like people stalking me it's terrible

um

i might try to sleep tonight but nothing's gonna happen bye bro

you have no idea what i went through did you hang that sounded like you he hung up a prison phone right you know when there was a pain

glass that was a pay phone do i get okay first of all this is the first you called me from this place the first

place yeah i get there right um they go you sleep there yeah all right i put my pajamas on

yeah what are you talking about [ __ ] pictures i get on my underwear right there's a man laying next to me

like i could touch his skin and he's probably 70 years old right

and he's naked i think but i see one of his legs is sticking out of the sheets okay and

you know how you white people have a lot of varicose i don't have any spider web veins i

looked at your skin i'm walking i could see a lot of veins in your body right and he was doing this bro this is what

he was doing he was like he was going

every minute he was doing that right yeah and i took two edibles

why you [ __ ] idiots because i don't want to be the first guy

to show up a treatment sober sober right right irony of that is staggering isn't it funny everybody gets

[ __ ] up and then they go to treatment they get as high as they can yeah yeah and then i was at the airport i was you know going crazy

right nothing yeah i was jerking off two guys yeah that is juggling no i was like drinking it and

so i go there and then i take all my [ __ ] and i go to the lobby right and i sleep in a chair like this

right cause you this guy's screaming all night long but i can still hear him and then

this little girl comes up to me she must have been 14 15 years old

and she goes i'm not gonna make it no i swear to god and she just walks

away right and i'm literally i have to be here for a month i'm not i shouldn't laugh but that is so [ __ ] creepy two

days later right yeah i literally see i'm sleeping i see a little kid a teenage kid getting dragged by his hair

across the hall and he's going i'm going to stab you in the eyes with an ice pack

right this is rehab it's a good one it's no it's not good it's not good it feels

like and and to get out of there right what did we have to do i had to call the jews man

you had to call the jews yeah all of them so you did i called jerusalem yeah you

called israel i got all the lawyers and they got me out of there well how was it was by legally binding they were gonna

make you stay they can't make you stay anywhere but they wouldn't drive right they wouldn't let me leave and then they also wouldn't get me a ride but we have

to have some clarity you went to a different rehab people it's not like you broke out of a rehab and came you went to another rehab he went to initially a

30-day inpatient oh right where it's where it's like they [ __ ] chain you in

yeah and then you're not allowed to make phone calls they take your phone

and your ipad so what are you doing in the middle of the night i'm trying to masturbate through my memory

you can't jerk off with your mind no but but but i my mind right is very clever

and i have a man imagination you do yeah so it's kind of like her like her tit

right one tip yeah his ass cheeks fancy i love your ass shakes what part of me they're so european and soft and very

good right pete's titties his titties are so so there's three tits

you have one of those kids here's the center tit both tits petey says on the side right so sweaty

and nice right and beer comes out beer comes out of his tits yeah yeah but because i'm sober so i avoid it okay

yeah so this is beer only sucking yeah and i'm avoiding his [ __ ] yeah i'm

sorry i'm sober right and then um but i couldn't not couldn't finish no in fact i i have um

17 days of no porn

can you masturbate just to your mind um i can it just takes a long time do you have to use a toy

no i don't use any toys you guys don't have any toys i have to look i don't use any toys because i'm afraid to that i'll

have to rely on it for the rest of my life because those [ __ ] suckers these days yeah are next level

you know we got one at the crib [Music]

i just get so tired that this thing this thing picks up the slack yeah but yesterday i go can i eat your vagina and

then you said it's bloody and i go i said i want to she wouldn't let me do you do it uh no

definitely not seems like a bad day you just take a break for a couple of days i know but i just got a rehab so i'm like let me you

know right it's like pretty like when you get out of prison yeah i had a fork and i have the whole thing you know i mean i put a napkin

i was ready anyway um it's good to be back it's great that you're back we're happy that

um and then i went to another place and i couldn't sleep for how many days

well you called me i was in new york i think you're on four three or four days 96 hours i didn't sleep

well that's so crazy so crazy and you talked like a guy who hadn't slept yeah and they thought i was gonna

have a psychotic break and then i went to a mall and then they said uh when you're gonna

have a psychotic break everybody at home go to a mall no i had to go to build a bear right that's the place no no i had to no

i have to go to build a bear why it's a part of the thing so can i tell you about bildemar please

all right so when you go to this place they go you have to go to build-a-bear at least sometime in your break is this

rehab owned by build-a-bear no no no no it's uh mcdonald's no i'm so uh

but you go to build-a-bear and you you build your original child oh i see right so you know your original

child when you're born don't laugh this is real i know but

is uh what do babies need they need to be held love love nurtured comfort

fuel safety food yeah my dad played golf on my body

yeah i mean so um you built you you you build this bear right

and remember the first one i built you a couple years ago and you hold it like it's your inner child you're mean

and um but because i had a psychotic break right i literally was had the baby in the mall

and i didn't know where i was not only did not know where i was i didn't know what city i was in i didn't

know if i was in the mall yeah that's how [ __ ] tired i was you were a guy walking around just with a

[ __ ] beard where am i it was [ __ ] crazy it's called a fugue state fugue

state so um do you know that's how you do do you know that's what it was yeah the fugue state and the one last thing i

want to say before you go into the internet is this i would like to have the renege reneg i would like to renege

right because last week i was very vulnerable yeah and i called you yeah

i think i cried you did and i think i regret half of the things i

said really yeah a little bit it was like the nicest call you've what did i say i forgot you caught i was i was at a

farm in upstate new york and you said i just want to tell you that i love you

been no one's ever i'm doing i'm doing it i'm not making fun of all right i'm doing you said and no one's ever done

what you did and you're a real friend and i love you i'm dead serious and you would go back into a normal voice and then you'd go oh

you don't understand i love you and then you hung up and you called back

20 minutes later and you said i don't know man i don't know how much of that stuff i mean

you did take it back yeah and then i said why why would you do that and then you say i don't know i'm kidding i'm get okay i gotta go i gotta go okay you know

what so you meant some of it no you know what you're right i wanna say it here okay i'm gonna say it here okay

don't roll your eyes well i know what's coming no you do yeah okay but go ahead no but i want to hear it i'm sorry go

ahead you know i've been in this business for ever

gonna start over please i've been in this business forever right

and um you know in the beginning of my career i just met just terrible people yeah i

mean name them just open micros like zoo man and wally wong and these guys you know i mean ali

wong wally wong oh oh you don't know so anyway um and then i came to l.a it

was [ __ ] terrible and i spent many many years just meeting terrible people

comics but every once in a while you'll meet somebody that just you'll it'll just spark your heart

and you're one of those guys i when i saw you it was like it was almost as if i saw somebody that

i knew my whole life like it was that easy that comfortable

and during my dark times in my life you've been there

100 you call me three in the morning you always call me back right you're always checking up on

me and i honestly and i you know i refound my god

like i lost god but you found god again i found god again and i prayed to god

last week and i said thank you for putting brian i mean andrew sent you though

i was waiting sorry no i was say thank you for putting ander centino in my life and um

yeah i'm just really blessed i love you thank you say something now about me

well bob feels good i love it i'm happy that you are

i'm happy that you are found god and redefining what you want

in life because you were a little lost and i think you're more centered now and

talking on the phone seemed like you were really figuring out what you needed

and i love you and you know you mean the world to me feels good but i've said that to you all the whole

time yeah i do love me though i love you very very much okay and i was i was very concerned

when i when sher and i talked about you coming to mexico and i talked

with these guys you know next week next time i get out of rehab don't bring an audience

no no these are these people are all in rehab as well oh is that what it is this is all oh they need help the uh yeah

they all need okay okay

over the hotel that's right that's right and it was a night and then we said at dinner fancy was like no one's gonna have a drink because we

didn't want to have a drink around you and who's the first person that ordered a drink bobby bobby yeah bobby

yeah no not for me the longest two hours of my life what huh the longest two hours it was fancy was quivering the

whole time he was like so nervous and scared and you know i was so manipulative i mean the things i was

saying to george was so crazy it was [ __ ] up it was [ __ ] up yeah the airport what's that how'd you get

him to the airport because i knew that he woke up in his own vomit yes we

i got to tell you something what shout out to the [ __ ] jfl people for actually

getting you into a car because you were not functioning you were so out of it

and it was just so [ __ ] up and they did a good job controlling you you came to the door with poop on your hand in

front of me do you know that i'm so sorry that's okay it was a little shocking well you don't knock on my door

when i'm pooping how would i know that's true you're not continuing to send me a text right

i'm just saying try to like how about this try to know when you poop no not don't knock on my door then don't come

say hi yeah you got it no why did you text me first are you pooping oh that's the first test i should say right right and i go

yeah then wait five minutes i'll give it a go but i shouldn't even if i'm pooping i shouldn't have wiped my ass and then

brought it to the what do you think is he do you think he should wipe his ass and bring it to the door

i'm looking for a third party opinion because i guess mine is wrong i think like sober or um not sober he's to bring

poop to the door to the door he really isn't a poop no can i say something right now

i'm surprised you don't let me [ __ ] on your chest do you never want her to do something like that [ __ ] on my chest he

wants he constantly wants to smell my [ __ ] i want to shoot her i like smell the smell of [ __ ] wait time but you smell what what though

the in the toilet no no i like the smell of like wet ass we're back baby

the whole like when the hole is wet right not poo right it's like um like out of the pool

out of the shower how about this how about this yeah you know how you open up a magazine and sometimes they have like a cologne

or perfume that you just kind of write yeah that magnitude of poo it's not a big pile of poo it's just

right and i go hmm interesting elephant poo i you know i mean i do this it's a light you know it's not a gigantic this

should be good when it dries yeah yeah yeah yeah i understand yeah so um but um i don't want a piece of [ __ ] on

my chest let's try what [Laughter] you want to try to [ __ ] on my chest yeah

i do what's the what's that what's the one where there's a piece of glass between you is that i like that is that a hot carl

what is that i thought no i thought the hot carl was just bare chest [ __ ] on barry okay that's how carl there is one

there's a piece of glass in between you pete you've got to know what this is that's just like a version of a dental

glass bottom boat oh it's called a glass bottom boat because you can see all the coral right

that's exactly right see it says typically a coffee table which is true i've heard that it's called you guys have a glass coffee table at the house

yeah we do i think i have one in the garage i can actually lend also we have a little money we can

buy one well let's buy you a a glass bottom boat so what happens i go i'm underneath a table like this

well here's the deal you're supposed to like hug it so the glass is flush with your chest because you need to feel the

heat that radiates through the glass that's the whole point because if you're just underneath it who cares right

of the poo you want to feel it without the dirtiness so this is like entry level glass bottom boat is like stage

one of what she wants to end up doing so let's say you love it then you go well let's now let's switch it to like

plexiglas i mean you start to slowly get away from then on to saran wrap saran wrap right right and then after saran

wrap the real thing the real deal so you build to poo right you don't need to go there right away that's yeah you know i

understand your hesitancy but you know like i was watching the the bill cosby documentary

what a comic just hear me out it has nothing to do with you know i mean that should have

been the name of his documentary hear me out i can explain can you

so what so um but in the beginning of the when he started his career he was just a bartender right right and then a

year later he was on tv so unbelievable how fast so fast right so i'm going to go straight to pool

oh you want yeah i don't need to go to open mic right that's what it is saran wrap the

glass that's open mic you're selling out around i'm going to go pro okay i'm going to go madison square garden i'm gonna go dan cook you [ __ ] in my face

yeah yeah yeah [ __ ] in my mouth i'll do it yeah no you don't want in your mouth buddy why because no way the germans do

it oh yeah shaiza i really like two girls one cop you know let's revisit it

[Laughter] the world is great by the way i watched the tinder swindler and i got to tell you

full support of this guy what is his name simon levi i love this guy hey did you watch it

i i called i texted my brother and i go i think i'm i have a new aaa sponsor

i mean i'm gonna call him in israel and go can you sponsor me this guy's thinking this guy is the king you loved

it didn't you i loved it i also was just immediately as soon as i saw the type of

women he was after i'm like i see you i see you dog look let me tell

you something did he scam a lot of people yeah ten million dollars yeah

is it is it super funny it's so funny and also is it clever

fairy and well thought out very that's all i'm saying i think he's a bad guy bad guy but he's very good at like

planning at being a bad guy a bad guy yeah yeah we like bad guys and i'm not blaming the victims no never blame the

victims andreas right but if kolila was in germany

and she calls me she goes oh my bodyguard got beat up and my credit cards aren't working you know i mean can you wire me i have no data

for 10 years you mean 300 i'd be like good luck bye bye

50 grand yeah you can get that money babe on your own okay i'm not doing it not doing it i'm not doing it so

some it's you know they made some bad choices the victims [Laughter]

you're right they're victims and they were manipulated right i feel bad for the women but i

also think do you no

i do i feel bad no of course yeah it's so terrible it's awful so man it was so amazing he was able to do it the the

part that i started to really go yucky yuck was when he makes threats to them and all that stuff then i'm like no

before that it was just a good scam i like me a good scam but i but then when he was threatening to them then

you're like no this isn't this is gross this is disgusting now you're now it's too much but when you just went

hey can i borrow pete how funny would it be to scam pete out of 50 grand

ruin his life wouldn't that be so funny i have a family i have two kids yeah yeah oh my god kids it makes even fun that would be

pretty funny yeah liquid i mean oh my god andrew when i over go whenever i go to like um whole

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send water alone i don't like it's not enough when you have liquid iv in it right it just makes it like elton john

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have you been tricked out of money not money but love oh that that hurts his

handle on myspace was amarcito888 and he was who i thought was an adonis

that lived in australia but i think he was a short indian man with like eight

kids that's what the 888 was yeah yeah that's my number of children that's

so funny to think that i just it's funny to get

tricked out of love because i feel like guys get tricked out of money more than love that's why i

that's why the tinder swindler i was like he won for the good guys it went for the bad guys but also [ __ ] because here's the

problem with the whole thing for me each of these women said they fell in love with this guy

some of them knew him for like a [ __ ] week right and you really you fell in love with the idea that you were going to be

swi whisked away on private jets and i would fall in love with that guy but you gotta have some sort of

foresight of like oh this seems a little i don't know it's fairytale-ish and that if it's too

good to be true it is he chose wisely he was very smart he was i know they're all

swedish girls or danish girls what does this really say about but he this guy doesn't have

how let's be real for a second he's a bad guy this guy has to live with life right

yeah without any empathy yeah he's without any real emotional connection to other

human beings right and to be able to lock eyes with somebody and go hey man how are you feeling you know what i mean

and let me help you right like when i went to the last treatment center i was at this is what

saved me and this is a real story that's not funny okay okay this old man right who is a therapist

from the 60s that he's still he it's his practice this facility i'm at he rarely

comes in but he decided to come in for two hours to see me to do a session right i'm sitting there talking to the

man and he starts this is not funny but he goes he was talking about his great great grandkids

wow i need how he when he goes to uh l.a santa monica and he

sees his great grandkids play soccer and their coach is like very mindful and he teaches them

about positivity and you know what i mean and and he starts weeping this old man while he's telling us telling the

story and literally he locks eyes with me and i started weeping with him right

and we cried for like three minutes together this old man just about kids playing soccer no about it's about me

me connecting with him and feeling his joy and his gratitude right and it's in

that moment where i found god and i know there's going to be a joke coming right i'm i'm right

but what i'm saying what i'm saying is that that dude right there can't connect with people in that way yeah he's crazy

i know but that's so in at the end of the [ __ ] day this guy's gonna die alone

miserable and rich and very rich

do you understand my point though 100 right of course i dude i'm right this guy this guy so when i was watching this

[ __ ] document i was just kind of going he's free in israel he can't go anywhere else he can't go to europe

again well did he just make a fake password didn't you do that like ten times i know but really he kept doing it the whole film

yeah but he now i think they they're on to him how i feel there's a [ __ ] movie about him now dude they did they

also he's suing netflix i think is what he said they did they gave him 16 months he did like four or five he [ __ ] they

don't give a [ __ ] it's because he's also wise about the amount that he's swindling it's not it's not

billions of dollars and it's not millions and millions of dollars so it's sort of like yeah he's he's gonna serve

what 48 months max but that's a small price to pay for him he can just resume activity after

see i think they said in total he might have uh acquired 10 million over the course of

all of his scamming not just from women from other stuff i kind of hand it to you that's

pretty great he can't but he used like he would take advantage of one woman right

they would give him 300 grand whatever he would use that to finance another right why can't you take that just bamboozle one woman invest it invest

that [ __ ] money yeah i thought about that the whole time me too but that's logic he loves the the gambling he loves the ponzi of it all of it's like i'm

gonna use you to take her out and i'm gonna use her to get another hot chick to be my friend remember he did that with another girl he just befriended hot

girls with cool hot girls so that made another girl go this guy's gotta be cool he's friends with hot cool girls but

but he has to ass my argument is this i'm sorry yeah yeah he has to realize that you know some

marks might not work out i think a lot of them don't for him right but let's suppose because it

didn't remember like he got to the point where he had to live in that [ __ ] uh what it was a hostile hostel yeah and

he's begging for money yeah he's just made that's how desperate was he but look you can go on his instagram fans

he's back at it again he's like got a new benz he's got a new watch he's got a new group of hot blonde girls so my

point is it's gonna continue even these women that have seen this they don't care

they just still they're like [ __ ] it i still get to go to private jet with some other [ __ ] money

people are still doing it look up his instagram he's out there it's like when women like serial killers in prison

exactly why do you guys like that why do you like that you get the good sex without the stalking

you get the good desperate oh my god like a man is so just

wasted in in a prison right yes there's so much just pent up down there just

testosterone and then you are just the peak of his existence at that point

right so a conjugal visit the idea of a conjugal visit with a man

where i know i am just the peak of his existence he's gonna [ __ ] me with all of

his might and he won't be able to stalk me or call me or contact me wow wow

but also okay but okay here's a guy who's a killer not this guy let's just say there's a guy that's like he's a

murderer stone cold murderer then he says he found god in prison a lot of them do

and he says i would never hurt you do you buy this you buy this i just want you to come see

me i know my record says i choked out and killed four women but i would never do this to you do you buy this not a

chance no but some people there's women that do yeah and they go back and they're like

he would never hurt me you guys don't read the letters he writes me because women are say it with me

[Music] i didn't mean that no women are beautiful you guys would never do conjugal visit

with a woman in prison honestly you you no but if you were in prison no it has to be and it can't be her because that

doesn't make sense of course you would with her you [ __ ] love her okay what about this your mom your mom

what is this what does it say what does this post say no caption this guy's the goat

he's just on a [ __ ] boat no captions on all these what does that say memories

you know who was you know you know who he is huh andrew schultz that's the same

i can see schultz doing this look at that top or nothing this guy's the best dude wait wait wait

wait wait what a psycho what does top or nothing mean it's a drop down he's in a drop top car oh but it also doesn't make sense yeah

doesn't make any top or nothing i love this guy he's fascinating

love it what does that say back at home just rubbing it in i don't know i don't

i would never would i don't know would you conjugal visit a woman that was in jail say but you don't know her you've never met her you read about her in the

news this is what happens with women they read about the guy in the news they start writing him letters i i had fantasy about eileen warrenos

she's like a imaginary fantasies about like visiting like a dick by eileen

in prison i don't know who that is she was they did a monster

yeah i had i had fantasies about her right really yeah like looking like that yeah

but my fantasy was i i was in the prison cell next to hers look at that one two three right back to that i was in the

prison center next to her and i dug a little hole so oh so it was like a glory hole yeah gloria i i stuck

my penis in but in one of them i fantasy she bit it off you ever tried to cut it off with that one too yeah

that's the face she makes after she bit it whoops yeah you know what you know what's such a mean thought that i got when you just

said a glory hole thing i wonder like you've ever seen a glory hole live at a truck stop

have you ever seen one have you ever seen one no i've seen them at the truck stops i've actually seen a glorious goal and at first you think this is some

teenager did and then you think no this is this happens out here yeah and then i looked at it just in my mind's eye when

you just said glory hole yeah and sometimes the thickness of those stall doors is big yeah do you think you do do

you think yours would so what you're saying to me like just your little head would poke out what you're saying to me right now is

if i did a glorious haul getting me in a [ __ ] stall right how big it how deep my take is a lot long so what you're

saying it's it's not gonna reach enough so that there's that she could suck it yeah but can she stick her tongue in the

hole yeah just a little just just lick it but yeah

[ __ ] you dude imagine how hard you push against my erection good have you not seen him fully hard no i have seen him

i've seen him i've seen him just after he was hard you know it's like the post post game and what did you think it was

it's you know what it's i've said this to him before over all the years since when we first met at the comedy

store and he put his penis on my arm and all that stuff when i was in the booth which you did penis out on my arm

i his jokes about his penis being small it's all good and fun but it's so regular it's not thank you it's not

small it's a very normal penis thank you but you're a grower not a shower that's a fact

because there's days for sure when it needs to grow okay because it does that thing in mexico when your penis was out

it did that thing where it tucks away you know how it like turtle bathes itself

it tucks away and it puts the balls up to its cheek it does tuck away when you see him

around the house what is the time when it's at its smallest stop talking about

is it first thing in the morning a penis no this is fun he's been shy about showing me his penis

lately bob i haven't seen it in a while you don't walk around naked honestly it just got out of rehab man yeah i need

some time no it's just like all jonesed out you know what i mean yeah yeah he's detoxing bro you know but

dick on this episode of detox dick do you walk around naked did you see the ricky gervais special where he talks

about the so there was a glory two guys right went to a glory hall

and one guy stuck his penis out got his came in a random man's mouth

when they walked out together it was a father and a son okay right

so if you did a glory hole right and you get your dick sucked and you walked out it was your dad

right what would you do would you hug him dad or would you be like [ __ ] the [ __ ] or

would i hug him is that your first dad

whenever yeah i don't know it's your dad i wouldn't say a word i would just oh you would oh

so let's let's both walk out i want to see what you would do okay so i'm walking out right

wait wait am i the sucky or sucker i just you you sucked it and you're the down to sun okay right so

i'm zipping up that was the best [ __ ] [ __ ] i've ever gotten that was amazing

he [ __ ] did sack work he did sack work i walk out

i dad i would say dad what if you gave me a kiss [Laughter]

oh that'd be so good yeah that i do that would ruin the family right okay what about this okay

what if you saw you know i love these scenarios well yeah like what okay all right what what what if you're at like a a butt plug

convention and they're like you know try out some of the newest butt plugs the newest anal

beads right and and they're like dude you someone comes dude you gotta see this guy he's got 40 [ __ ] beads in

his ass and they get bigger as they go and if you said that to me i'd be like where we gotta go we gotta go and you're

like they're pulling out now it's like a [ __ ] chainsaw right and there's a dude like a you're pulling up

such a big crowd we have to get in excuse me excuse me excuse me and everyone's screaming more more more

more more you can't believe it right and then this guy gets up and it's your father oh

dad i would be like you know what i would do

huh honestly i would so i'd be in the front of the crowd right i would slowly just

backwards the homer simpson yeah absoria would absorb me back right and i'd probably

walk that'll be the loneliest parking lot walk into your car because everyone's going to come up to you did you see the anal bead guys yeah it was

amazing what i would do i would kick something just kick it just like a tin can just one loose anal

bead that fell off a rope you just kick it down there right what if you saw your family at a sex

convention type of thing i think i'd feel pride yeah yeah my family are freaks oh

they're just a bunch of freaks freak freaks they're free so you were never as you're as a kid your family was never

shy about any of that stuff no they were open yeah my aunties would just openly talk about sex like pinch each other's

nipples talk about the men they swindled what did you just say about

wait have they have you ever seen a family member hooking up in front of you um is that not traumatic so i saw a family

member cheating on my uncle yeah and just openly for like weeks at a time and

she was like [ __ ] this dude you watch them hook up yeah i would hear them [ __ ] or whatever and when my uncle

came back from hong kong and i was like uncle freddie do you know that so-and-so is [ __ ] jerry and it backfired he

cussed me out he's like look at your [ __ ] business what she does yeah what the [ __ ] i thought i was being you

know like a hero he just didn't want to hear it you just get the [ __ ] away that [ __ ] because i think that it hurt

his pride that a little kid was telling him what it was doing i was eight oh yeah a little kid a little kid saying

that's tough calling it out is tough because then he knows it's real because kids don't [ __ ] lie yeah kids are gonna say the

r he's like he was loving it it was [ __ ] he was smashing her to pieces

it's like kids just they go all the details they can't not tell you the truth i almost witnessed my parents [ __ ]

i was so i would sneak out of my room i just got the i just like shook my i have goose bumps but don't you guys like the idea yeah

but i like the idea of my parents being like dumb and full of calm yeah yeah yeah

[ __ ] machines yeah yeah well you don't my parents look like mythological creatures

yoda and [ __ ] gollum [ __ ] yeah so i would sneak out of my room and

watch like late i would hope to like watch the tonight show or letterman to see if there was stand-ups on yeah in

high school right yeah so one night it was me 16 maybe and i was uh watching and then i could hear my parents walk

down the hallway right so i turned the tv off and it jumped behind the couch

then my parents put in a korean video like a vhs tape right of some weird like

korean porn it was all fuzzy and stuff and they're like my daddy

[Laughter]

i was watching stand up and my dad got so [ __ ] mad man does he have a boner no he beat me with a boner yeah

imagine your dad hard as [ __ ] just beating the [ __ ] out of you but i i had to i had i couldn't do it i've only

heard it once your parents [ __ ] yeah nick [ __ ] me i hated it i was gonna go down i was up i got up late and i was

gonna go downstairs to go get something to drink and as i walked past the door it was no what a year traumatic

you know what the worst part was i heard him not her what'd you hear like i couldn't hear my mom that's the worst

when you can hear the dude over the girl women i'm not saying women face is buried in a pillow dude

well she was probably no but it's so [ __ ] up to hear to hear your parents hooking up because

i just i you want to hear a woman when you hear someone hooking up you want to hear a girl you want to hear yeah yeah

you don't want to hear someone huh even your mama no it doesn't matter i'm just saying the idea of sex i don't want to hear it at all but the idea of sex in

your mind is like the woman should be the one i hear so what did your dad hear what'd you hear it was that it was like yeah oh i was

like oh no try not to traumatize me i just went downstairs and i ate everything in the [ __ ] cabinet

eating i was like what is it you know what i was thinking about why do we always talk about poo

sex glory holes tell me something else to talk about ooh

do you want to hear what new role play is going on at home yes

so our new role play is that i'm a gold star lesbian and he's a gold star gay

guy what's gold star like we've never been with um the opposite side right

and um we um i don't know we're not getting laid i don't know what you're doing cut his

mic off we're both in college but we're not getting laid but we're best friends so we're having really just like it's in

the conversation let her do it [Laughter] so he's a gay guy i'm a gold star

lesbian but we're best friends we're not getting laid lately and we're just in the dorm and we're just like i guess we'll have sex so we're having very

disinterested yeah it's like no passion sex and you're like i guess i gotta do this it's gonna disgust me

you say that oh yeah well he's a lesbian i'm the gay guy right yeah yeah

why did i think about it the other way why why did i think you know i'm the girl yes i know i can't believe i even

jumped to the other conclusion yeah and i've never had anything like like aside from fingers you're the lesbian right

yeah that's not the lesbian voice that's my character choice i've never had anything but fingers tired of other

actors you're me telling me how to do choose my [ __ ] some of your choices aren't good all right but the [ __ ] director let

me hear your gay guy voice ew [ __ ]

yeah yeah which is that's the only thing i've ever heard those guys say you know kalila i just don't talk to people

here's the thing okay you and i we share so much have you heard about brandon

what what is brandon virgin brandon is that your little character virgin brandon

yeah he's a virgin brand is brandon in there sit down get up to the microphone is brandon in there where's little

brandon you know andrew i travel a lot and whenever i go on the road i only use

doordash because they have the most the best restaurants always they're quickest and the other they're the best behaved

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subjects have changed terms apply roman andrew i'm getting old and my pp don't work so good not so good and that's why

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you're ready to have the confidence and control be roman ready i'm here what are you doing brandon i'm scared what are

you scared of buddy i don't know i don't know where my parents are oh are you lost yeah who's that woman that woman

right there yeah she makes she makes me suck on her breasts she does it makes me

feel funny you don't like it do you brand you like it you do yeah and then

he cries oh your peepee cries but you don't cry do you if i cry because i'm so happy yeah bran

anyway on where is she she's right there yeah but what we do we do not do that kind of

this is brandon talking to andrew it's not what he would react when he's with you

i'm appalled virgin brandon is a 29 year old incel who's so thankful for the fact that i'm

writing him backwards oh that's brandon that's brandon i was playing timmy sorry you're

playing

reverse cowgirl so no fate no not looking at you no no no i don't want to see um yeah i don't you don't want to

see it but you know when she goes off whenever i whenever i'm like i've never done this before right she's like yeah

we'll just lay there let me do all the work and when she's when it enters right

my character acts as if jesus himself

like it feels so good he just keeps saying thank you thank you so much thank you so much and she comes

so fast she comes so fast you don't say that what do you say to him you don't say [ __ ] huh you're not saying anything a

little brandon no no shut the [ __ ] up little brandon yeah see he likes it i do

yeah but um who do you think of the bad friends family has the weirdest uh

the most uh surprising sex stuff now pete pete pete is just a he's a

good-hearted bear see that's why i think he's just i think he's a [ __ ] freak because of that

because you don't right hey dude do you power [ __ ] or what sometimes yeah oh [ __ ] yeah yeah

yeah what about fancy you think it's a bit you think it's fancy vanilla here's what i think about fancy yeah here's jen have you guys ever

seen you know the porn star small hands yeah yeah does this one thing there's one move he does that absolutely drives

me wild and i swear to god when i look at andres i'm like this is what he does yeah he tears he doesn't tear he doesn't

ever take the panties off right he rips the [ __ ] part of the panty and he creates a hole

wow this is the wrong day to bring my students here no this is a great day yeah they're all in college yeah they're

doing all this [ __ ] up [ __ ] he rips it so he's a ripper he's a ripper yeah look at little ripper he has

never taken a penny off in his life he rips it he doesn't know how but he rips it carefully because he's going to sew it back up because he wants to save the

underwear right he does it carefully right so then later after she's naked after he comes

right yeah he's just in the corner of the room just sewing it back up

yeah speaking of victoria's secret i don't know if we should talk about it because we might no no i already know

what you're saying and we can't talk about it but let's try no i'll tell you why we can't talk about it because we can try i know are you let me prove to

our audience that we're not just sex and poo and grow stuff we can talk about something adult and not be mean or

[ __ ] up all right but can i just say this right we will talk about it but um before we talk about it

when i first saw the first photo i saw right how did you feel

maybe we shouldn't talk about it i need you to talk about it i am in the

dark about this i don't know what's happening all right so let's let's say it so we all know uh yeah so victoria's

secret hired their first down syndrome uh underwear model okay okay so uh get

to get the first picture pete [ __ ] pete yeah the second one zoom that out or i mean make it big so we can all look

at it okay i'm being honest and i'm not being mean

i'm just saying the first thought was amazing tits i mean holy [ __ ] she have amazing perfect tits

beats nodding and then the second thought was she's [ __ ] beautiful but the weird

thing is they make you feel weird because they put it out they don't make you feel weird no no i'm saying the headline the articles the articles are

like uh down syndrome underwear model shows all and i think you're on to something they're baiting you they are

baiting you if they were to just put it out there ask this girl without announcing it yeah that's the way to do

it if i saw that right i would be like oh yes i'd be like oh she's hot she's hot yeah

but they're doing this bait thing where they go oh you oh you liked her yeah oh she has down syndrome how do you feel now and you're like well i did that

wasn't i you now you make me feel like bad about even thinking about it and

that's [ __ ] up and also can i say this if i saw that i went oh wow beautiful you know i joke after it right i calm

right sure and then later i read you know man she has down syndrome i'm not gonna put the [ __ ] back into my penis oh

so i wouldn't feel bad about it why would i i don't understand so i i know why they're doing it they're saying hey

this is the first time it's happened this should have happened before inclusion great great but also

this is a tough thing to talk about man i don't know why you would bring this off it's such a it's like when i saw it because it's interesting as [ __ ] yeah

can we talk about camilla what camilla the russian skater oh who

she [ __ ] got caught cheating and then she fell every time and then she fell on all her routines yeah don't you think

they made her fall i couldn't stop thinking about that she fell on every and you know what what's his name said

what johnny weir goes that's the worst i've ever seen her skate in didn't she land like five quads just before that

yes so why would she fall so much because she's 15 no no bobby because she

was in she was so [ __ ] up in her head about what had happened to her that's what i'm saying she's 15 the pressures

it's not pressure first of all she feels terrible that it's that it's over i think she's like

this is over i'm [ __ ] no she did let's just hear me out okay don't get angry

okay all right not gonna not gonna she's 15 years old right she's skating for the roc right the reason why

they're called the rc is why because they cheated they cheated before right in sochi or whatever right

so now she has a drug test that says positive right the the olympics in itself is pressure because she's like

one of the best ones she's expected to get goals she's the best she's the best yeah right and then um

she's like that little ching chung that won for us nathan chen that nathan ching chung chan that it was

his that's his big nickname by the way yeah ching chong i think you're in love with him you do love him i love him so much bring

up a picture of this beautiful nathan chen is so [ __ ] talented is his middle name for real yeah well that's my

nickname this guy is this guy [ __ ] oh my god

i just made you [ __ ] you just came look at your penis yeah

yeah look at how big your penis is now this dude right here is [ __ ] a prodigy he's the man he is the man but

he's a boy right how old is this guy he's a boy what the [ __ ] how old is he he's 20. that's so funny they're so

young but they're so unbelievably talented what did you think you're gonna do a racial joke what well he's asian so

he looks younger oh something i know i mean you guys all look amazingly young for your age thank you not you

look at him right there god look at that oh look at that why do they take those pictures and why do they publish them

why do we need to see that he's such a he's such a handsome dude they didn't need to put that one out there yeah you know what the [ __ ] are

you doing wire image you couldn't this couldn't be one that you tossed

like during the kill session everybody knows when you get photos there's a kill session why did this go what if it's a beginning photographer

and he's his first time right he's so nervous right and then he that's the only good

one that they got right and they're like i guess [ __ ] man uh yeah super talented what do you think

about eileen goo eileen goo eileen goo she's the girl that wrote for china but she's american what do you think about

that i don't know well you got to have an opinion she's born and raised here i don't want to raise it

from the bay area snowboarder she's from look at her gorgeous beautiful she's a model she's so [ __ ] talented she's

beautiful she rides for china because her mother is chi mom is chinese nominee mom is chinese but she's born and raised

in america and she rides for china there's a lot of controversy you when you mix asian sometimes with white white

is great white is right look what it did bless you white is right look what it did

white is right look what it did and when you're when you're a purebred like you not a sagud

we need a little bit of mixing i think chen is hot this the point i'm making is racial mixing is [ __ ] great i'm being

positive i'm pro-racial mixing so eileen goo snowboarder phenomenal but she's

writing for china bob but chyna and her both won't answer her citizenship because you cannot have dual

citizenship for china she'd have to relinquish her american citizenship legally

and then become a chinese resident and her quote was pretty political she said something to the effect of when i'm in

china i'm chinese when i'm in america when i'm in america i'm an american but i i identify with both nationalities

because of my my background i think

give it a try you trained in america yeah you used our facilities

yeah and now you're gonna write for the chinese oh yeah yeah it's [ __ ] up yeah

you can't train here okay did she get into the american team she probably didn't and she was like i'll go to the

channel wrong she's the best she can get better than troy the the the korean girl different event this is skiing this is

um oh this is snowboarding no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no elena i mean she's skiing yeah chloe kim is a snowboarder right but but

who got her into skiing her immigrant chinese her immigrant chinese mom

who moved to america to give her a good life yeah and they grew up in the bay area and then she

trained in i think it was in tahoe tahoe and then guess what what you're a married

yeah yeah you can't do right for i just think it's not right i think that's not fair because then you can say that about

[ __ ] i can say i identify if i spent every summer in ireland and my grandfather be like oh i'm irish she's like wow well i

honestly i have fantasies about i really have fantasies about this about eileen goo no about me being an athlete in the

olympics what would you play oh no high trump yeah can you imagine i could watching

you in a long distance that i could high jump with the pole better than you can

my bank account my literal bank account how much oh all of it all of it literally all of it 100

no let's make

the pole this you holding the pole you get a telephone pole yeah find a facility not now but i have a fantasy of

being a high jumper right and i trained in america and then korea is like

we don't have anybody to do that right and you're the guy and me going on

the phone what the [ __ ] you say speak english dude or whatever you don't mean an [ __ ] yeah and then i'd be like i will join you i think i would [ __ ]

high jump for korea you would yeah i love being who i am and i love the korean you're a san diego

boy yeah you're a little san diego [ __ ] boy you're brandon you're a little brandon

there he is scared you are scared who's that girl over there

keep going yeah what is your character name when he's brandon do you have one i think i'm like adult susan or something

like that susan or no it's always a last name like mrs gibson

oh miss gibson new mississippi oh she's married and what about mr gibson what's he up to he's watching

oh yeah don't stop now what do we think fancy fantasy is because he won't tell us

you would say was he korean no i could not even i said honey honey yamaha you said that like that honey i'm

home that's him okay honey yeah right and she's like uh what'd she

say i don't even know what his wife's oh she's beautiful by the way she's gorgeous she sounds like this first of all can i say something

when i saw his wife i swear to god i did

not believe it yeah i did not it was like what do you think

it is with fancy that she likes so much it's not those shirts it's definitely the shirts

you think it is yeah by the way translucent skin we don't say translucent oh so sorry

about that and the thing about fancy is that he brought his students to the show today yeah

and they used to seriously respect him

right he's their [ __ ] teacher and now can i can we bring one student to stand

here i need to ask them a question what did anyone volunteer who's the leader of the group oh what a cutie we got a cute ear do you

know what this guy's name is well you got to get him on the phone yeah get him down camera no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no yeah just stand

right here in the middle of the room stand in the middle look at this cutie what's what don't get too close kneel

down yeah kneel down kneel down kneel down so they can see you they're right thank you this is funny yeah yeah

you know what this kid's name is yes look at me francisco no you won't believe you don't

know let me just give you guys yeah it's me andrew no what his name is that's his first name

yeah yeah so let me ask you something my friend right do you go to like

devry oh my god or no just let me ask you that do you go what school let me ask you what class are you taking is it like for

like what is he teaching fancy what

okay he knows about that let me tell you something yeah according to these young

students yeah he is the best they are in love with this guy

is yell out loud is fancy the best can you see this

these kids respect this man they love him they think he's got the answer you know what the funniest part is bob

he works for us [Laughter] we can fire him yeah at any moment and

they would lose all this respect for him yeah he's not he doesn't even work for us he's our slave slave these are little

slaves let me say something about santino can i look at me beautiful eyes look at those beady

little eyes he is a pretty boy right now santino look at that look at him look at the fresh skin stare at him santino

don't break it look at my skin my my bro i'm your elder i'm 50.

i'm asian too respect me dude look at me right now you have soft angelic skin

and there's a really nice you know are you a virgin oh don't be crazy don't

be greedy let me laugh perfect i want to say something about i want to say something about let me say

something about your teacher okay i

whatever i do from now on right whatever project i do i want him

involved in everything that i do that's how much i respect him he really

is um just one in a million and um yeah man he's a good dude so

congratulations let me tell you what i feel about him the moment

and i mean this the moment this show is over bob and i quit the show

i will never underline never speak to that piece of [ __ ] ever

i'll block his [ __ ] number he'll see me in the street hey andrew i will just look the other [ __ ] way i want

nothing to do with that pig and he direct he's a great director he's

a piece he directed [ __ ] a sketch for me dude like 10 years ago they got like six

views on youtube wow he's phenomenal all right you can go back and sit with me thank you santino

you're the man he's a good dude right he's cute i like him he's a cutie patootie when i say cutie it's not a you

know i mean i just think that he's got a good energy that's all yeah but it does have you're it yeah

it's a little how old is he santino how old are you 19. yeah it's a little weird

sorry about that pete brought us something pete i'll i'll try it out with bob to see what he says pete brought us a can

pete want you know pete like games pete wants us to do games yeah what is it it's a what-if game all right so this is

for kala and bobby together let's see what if you had to dress each other for

the insurrection oh what would we drink what would we dress what would we do for you that's a really good one what's your insurrection outfit what would you do

for me how would you dress me up for the insurrection you yeah what i would do you have to dress

me i have to dress kaleila right so what i would do is put eyeliner yeah yeah so i want you to have like a

robert smith cura vibe sick right yeah black cure wig yeah right yeah and then

i would want like um what's that movie with um angelina jolie magnificent

magnificent maleficent maleficent yeah that black leathery with the you know i mean

you're gonna look like venom oh that's so sick yeah i got like a slick yeah black yeah leathery thing

right i'm showing up high eyeliner right and then your your speakers right oh guess what it's

playing dashboard confessional emo you're gonna emo right but right you

have a belt right and you've got like um you're gonna really [ __ ] things up i've

got guns you got guns explosives you're giving me everything and then you break in and then you go to nancy pelosi's

office what do i do in there right and what you do is you you you you kick the desk

yeah you go [ __ ] you man [ __ ] you your pants

you see your pants and he pops up yes sir yeah what would i dress like uh i would put you in one of those i

would try to dress you in every single racist stereotype that i could find i

want you wearing a rice paddy hat i want you wearing a karate outfit i want you wearing

what that's what they like and so what

i want you wearing i need to need teenage mutant turtles yeah uh i'm dressed like

and you have sizes thousands of different asians raphael obviously you have those shoes that the

divide the feet divide yeah but they have you have socks and the and they're little wooden bottoms are my

feet binded they're bound right your feet are bound i probably have an accent a hundred percent and so i'm probably

i'm probably going where mitch mcconnell bigger or bigger and even bigger

[Music] perfect right yeah and that's how i want you to be yeah yeah because they would

love that they would get a kick out of this guy yeah look at wang over here that's what they would say i'm dressing

you for those guys so funny would they not light him on fire 100 that's why i'm doing it i'm just sending him in his

bait how would we dress kalila for it you know would be better if you dressed me like elaine chao

oh mitch mcconnell's wife very smart right so i'm coming in right excuse me i woke

up here can i see her by the way yeah she might look like you yeah yeah so i'm dressed

as elaine chow right this is mitch mccollough's wife there we go

can i be 100 seriously your hair looks exactly like that right now

exactly you don't have to do much no seriously that's you i shave my mustache hello excuse i go to my office

right i'll do the walk she walks like that

insane with your kitten heels you have a kitten and then what i would do is i just

put down a briefcase open up and it the whole thing went

yeah you'll do it dress up dress kaleila for the insurrection by the way oh god yeah

she's too deep what if bobby had a six-pack i would have you ever [ __ ] him again you

would never [ __ ] him again if he got in shape he would never if i suck in my stomach you can see the packs

let me see what do you think like the outlines of where the packs used to be no they're there it's just under a lot of fat you know you take a beer out of a

six-pack and they're still and it's like they're still the ring don't suck in let it go do you see any but let it go right now

yeah i mean suck as hard as you can now one two three suck now jump up and down

it's not jiggling too much now put let it out wait no no did you see any packs i saw a suggestion

of one i saw like a

suggestion i saw like a an apparition i saw i saw a ghost of an ab

i used to be here a ghostly ab that used to be there you

go um here's what here's what i want to apologize to the kids kids this this this podcast

was supposed to be i just got out of rehab sunday right it was going to be me you know talk about like

you know how we feel and this and that and because these kids are here right i felt like we had to do this i just want

to apologize no you know man don't okay they loved it did you guys like it

is there a camera on those kids all right so i want you guys to sign us off and say thank you for being a bad friend on the count of three all together okay

one two three that's great

[Music]