Hey Homie ft. Frankie Quiñones, Johnny Sanchez & Cristela Alonzo | Ep 159 | Bad Friends

what up bad friends I am on my way back to the US of a from Aussie baby and I'm

so very excited to go on tour me and Bob are on tour you want to get those tickets get those tickets at badfriendspod.com we added dates we

added cities we added shows we had it shows in Riverside San Antonio Toronto Canada come out and show that love for

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Petersburg Hollywood Orlando Riverside San Diego Montclair Portchester Baltimore Philly Toronto and much much

more we're adding as we go go to badfriendspod.com badfriendspod.com you two are bad

friends who are these two idiots [Music]

or something we're bad friends

it tore me apart from the movie [Laughter]

Harry Styles I didn't know anything about until when until I heard a song

called uh was it watermelon yeah he loved fruit dude well that's what I thought it was I was like man this guy

loves that waffles [Laughter] you know what bro I feel like I'm being

racist with the [ __ ] mustache and [ __ ] bro you know man welcome to yo dude

Mexican Amigos okay it feels weird

anyway oh my God you had another one underneath all the time

I love it so well welcome to her yeah yeah yeah so good to see you guys man

because let me tell you something man Andrew's been out of town and I've been doing this all alone and I needed

friends bro and we did it all Korean episode bro I thought what's next bro Mexicans do I

[ __ ] love them bro we got a [ __ ] I want to introduce the people um in the room bro we've got a [ __ ]

raccoon in the house yeah a [ __ ] raccoon is half raccoon half [ __ ]

Mexican you know bro when's the last time you slept dog

I stayed up late last night but I have these all the time anyways dude it's at a point I need to get some work you're

gonna have to Michael Jackson it yeah I know you're gonna have to Michael Jackson underneath your eye because it's like it's so prominent listen

I looked into it here's the problem are you a panda can I ask you that Panda's good too Panda raccoon do you want

Johnny to have Sammy Sosa lids

you know there's a laser there's a laser thing yeah but you have to go to somebody really good because if they

take off too much dude then it gets it's like it'll be pale it's worse I don't

know dude I don't know I think pale's better it's bad huh it's so I know it's

you it's you some people just have dark circles yeah but it's bad look it's bad

that's bad that's pretty bad I think so yeah but it's Gonna Get You know it's gonna get the dermatologist

told me it's gonna get dark it's just gonna keep getting darker as I get older and it's gonna yeah yeah please don't

get them done and it's gonna I have to see what happens like in about five years yeah it'll be they get it goes

lower and lower oh please oh my god when we start calling him crater Sanchez

bro try to hike it but they've never gone they've never seen again so we got

Johnny Sanchez my old friend yeah buddy you good bro you have all right all right I'm sorry

for making fun of you man that's right yeah it goes you will that's our relationship it's always been like that

it'll never change yeah I love you it's you know what's funny it's just the next person well just real quick

you always go it's always been funny you've always gone after my looks like you always make fun of me but you you

called you Cricket yeah Cricket yeah but you you make fun of me like you look like

Brad Pitt that's what makes [ __ ] yeah I look like a chat yeah yeah yeah I know I

I I look in the mirror okay and I I know where I'm at you know who I am yeah we're gonna talk about that right about

what dating and yeah yeah we will but can I introduce that's what I was gonna

say yeah we have one that we have one Mexican that's not even shown up yet yeah he's on Mexican time he's on Mexico what's that mean anyway I get it

I get it um so the next person that I want to introduce is somebody that I met many

many years ago she was living in Dallas yes and you were working at the Addison Improv yeah I was the office manager

you're the office manager oh my God and um I found out then that you were doing stand-up I had just started you just

started and the way you Rose it was just I was so proud of you I'm still very

proud of you um you just dug your way out and you you're so talented and funny Cristela

Alonso she had her own sitcom what was it called Christopher

oh my God it was actually called Nine is enough

it could have been called Priscilla versus Cristela I mean no no

and even then when he has a new show I'm like it could be Paul this time you never know yeah yeah

um thanks for being here I haven't hung out with you in a while yeah and you and I called you out of the blue and you were like let's do it and um

yeah um I was telling Johnny before the show um that we're at an age

where um we're pretty much going to be um we're unfuckable

and we have sad Futures ahead of us you know um do you oh you do you want do you do

you uh can you see yourself with a woman that would be like in her late 40s early

50s you like still like young that's crazy yeah you know what you're accusing me

what are you accusing me of no no like 20 you like girls that that are like 20s and like maybe early 30s listen

I don't care about the age it's what I see yeah okay so you you probably wouldn't go out with a woman that's like

48 49 50. it depends oh right I'm 44 by the way you look great

you look wonderful okay all right but are you saying that's for me to be

careful the way I no no no no I don't give a [ __ ] no I'm saying like like I'm

44. I'm saying that there's people that are women that are 49 48 that really don't

look you know it's like yeah it just depends yeah right if I'm in a bakery right and if the cake looks fresh I want

to eat it right but if it's damaged you know what I mean there's

you know rotting no wear and tear you mean to somewhere on terror yeah it's

what I call moisturizer it's like I see like like there have been times and there have been times I do this [ __ ]

all the time I will Google people I hated in high school and I know that we're the same age and a

lot of them look like [ __ ] and it's because I tell people they never learn to moisturize so it's like we're the

same it's like that thing about like not knowing how to take care of yourself maybe because you're too busy you're

having a [ __ ] up life where you're trying to survive and [ __ ] like that whatever it is you didn't do it so people sometimes look different than

other people the same age because they just didn't they didn't take care of them moisturize it's about moisture like

putting lotion on your face is that what you're saying yeah I'm simplifying it like that just to say that that's like the example can I give you can I add on

to that let's do it could it be about also stress levels yes absolutely well that's what I mean is that the

moisturizing is just an example of how like people do extra steps sometimes that they probably don't even think

about like yeah moisturizer is a thing obviously stress level because that's what I'm saying it's like if you have a life of survival of like trying to get

by or something or your shit's just [ __ ] up sometimes you trying to take care of yourself like physically is the

last [ __ ] thing on your mind yeah you know what I mean yeah yeah the mind [ __ ] I suffer from depression and anxiety and

when I get depressed I get depressed and when I feel like that I don't give a [ __ ] what I look like yeah yeah and

that's it it's kind of going to your fresh cake yeah yeah you know but you know also too

culture oh what go ahead well I want you to talk culturally

I I feel like white people age faster the lighter complected

people what are you saying seem to get more wrinkled earlier

than people who have oily skin and darker complexion

so you're saying black people look good you know well we all know that don't call them oily though that's weird

no no no no my the Mexican like my dad has very oily skin yeah he's 80 gonna be

88 he looks fantastic is he the raccoon part of your family or no okay

I did not get it from my mom or my dad where does that come from though that I had a great aunt that had it and I had

an uncle that that had it yeah not my mom and dad oh you know what I just realized guys you look like you're about

to play football um yeah yeah so that's cool anyway I

love you thanks for coming out

hey you [ __ ] disappointed fist bump right yeah like I'll give you

like Rachel bielson you know who that is yes yes I remember her yeah I know her and she's you know in their 40s right

and she's beautiful I mean I would you know I mean if I could date her I would probably you know I mean she

she had a baby with Darth Vader yeah yeah so that's the level that she's at

right yeah yeah I'm just saying it's like a [ __ ] young Anakin yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

exactly because in the Star Wars Universe I'm a Jawa there's a Jawa [ __ ]

[ __ ] no no I am like the Jar Jar Binks one night stand like in the Star Wars Universe would you

be I know I already know oh what's his uh the um I know what you are dude what

remember that blue guy that was like flying he was the boss

he was the boss one of the newer ones yeah yeah yeah what was it what was his name the blue one that was yeah that's

you that dude [Laughter]

oh my God that reminds you when people say like when people women come up to me they're

like you remind me of my friends what did I do to you you have big feet

wide otherwise because I used I grew up barefoot like Apocalypto dude that's my

cousin yeah yeah like back in the day you probably could have just run up a tree

[Laughter]

I was barefoot all the time we were really poor so my mom would give me one pair of shoes for the whole year so then

during the summer I used to be barefoot all the time I'd walk to the stores Barefoot and everything you know because

so I have white feet whoa you know yeah I'm dropping some [ __ ] honest nuts no I really like it but they're pretty

pretty I've never seen them yeah yeah I will say go ahead that they are on the internet and I have been

approached in public by somebody that wanted me to to show them off yeah the fetishes yeah the foot fetish thing if I

wanted to like let's say I was a guy on the internet yeah I saw your feed yeah and I hit you up on DMD and I go hey how

much could I give you money-wise yeah so I just want your feet on my penis but I'll jerk off the tip

but just have the penis at the at the time he's putting some thought into this at the base right and I'll just you know

I'll take yeah I'll you know me and Lou I'll just jerk off can I come on your feet how much would you charge well

first of all I always hate these questions yeah because I would probably do that [ __ ] when I'm drunk for free

I hate when people say like how much would you blow somebody for a million dollars [ __ ] I've done that for a

nickel no I think that the has always been very

well any fetish to me that I'm not for that much

this person's a stranger no that would do it sober you wouldn't do it at all I wouldn't do it for a million dollars no

because I can actually I I because I think I can make my million dollars some other way that's true okay

good good would you do it how would that work

no oh the girl I'm a guy yeah I DM you

oh I love I love doing K Loco I didn't do Kayla oh yeah that's right you did it

was not cool enough to do that is so crazy he turned it down I did I said no

yeah well you were starting you were young you were starting I started there's a lot of [ __ ] that I didn't get yeah you know what this is interesting

so I started in Dallas moved to LA in Dallas I was kind of like the only

Latina comic in the scene you know like then I moved to LA there are a lot of Latino Comics that didn't like me oh and

it was this thing where I didn't realize that there was this thinking and I I've talked to people about this all the time

a lot of the older comics and by that I mean people that had been doing it longer not like age-wise you're right

like they thought that I had disrespected them like when I met them

by not trying to shake their hands and say hey it's really nice to me it's so

interesting you say this because it's like I have the same issues as you do but I'm beginning to think it's a

perception thing oh no I just stopped stop stop all right

to you it's real yes okay yeah I believe that yeah okay but is there a perception

thing a little bit because people live listen I've I feel the same way I say

it's all quiet everything just stops what's up bro you guys know him of

course yeah that's funny he he lowers his

chairs it's all low rider oh let me get all low rider right here

um where were you Frankie it's Sunday right

it's a Sunday 's a big deal for you people right yes Sunday is our Sunday

that's right I caught myself yeah yeah so you're with your family bro yeah yeah

yeah yeah what were you guys doing uh you know we're just kicking into it

barbecue or no no it's rainy yeah oh [ __ ] is yeah yeah you can't barbecue

inside did you eat food was that yeah yeah yeah

yeah good time yeah all right cool all right what's wrong with you right now yeah what's going on yeah you came in a

[ __ ] shifting yeah is this like the movie Speed where you

can't say a full sentence yeah you're not high right no no no no yeah

you good yeah yeah yeah yeah you look cute oh thank you

so so can I introduce him or no yeah oh yeah introduce and then and then let him

about what she was talking about because that's interesting I forgot what she was saying about you know

oh that's right she doesn't feel welcomed or whatever you know Frankie quinoes yeah I said it right yeah

yeah you mean total fit yeah one of my he's on the show

second season now or no yeah you guys already shot it no we're like halfway through oh so you're in the middle of

production yeah yeah yeah yeah is it going well yeah yeah it's going good yeah wow you're really good on that show

man yeah oh thank you yeah I actually had an audition for the show I didn't do it I didn't do it why

because I couldn't I couldn't shoot the I was out of town I couldn't shoot the tape in the deadline or something but I

oh don't you hate when that happens yeah I don't get why the process is like that they're like hey we want you for this part we need it tomorrow

unbelievable it was like this like I remember I had an audition for a movie that that is coming out this year that

was that I got the audition like two years ago yeah right and it was a quick turnaround like hey you gotta turn this

in tomorrow right and I asked for an extra day because I was like flying back right and they're like uh no we got to

do this right now that [ __ ] did not get cast for another eight months and I was

like come on really yeah dude they're [ __ ] Liars they are they're [ __ ]

liars and it's like we all [ __ ] dance for them right we want to see it now and

you know what I say to them man [ __ ] you yeah you're not gonna see it we'll be poor and we're never gonna make it

that's not what you say what do I say yes right now and just start dancing

oh you think I'm a dancer are you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] dude you're right

I am a dancer yeah I have done that at midnight I have

because when you're at my age you're like you you hear the talk clicking

clock talk clicking it's not a good thing for a show let me just talk like a

talk show talk clicking hey home hey homie

clock ticking I [ __ ] it up it's okay no you didn't you create a magic okay so my point is is

this right so you think this is my only shot you know I mean like in my in your 30s you go oh my god dude we had so I

know when I think back up of how many times I said no for auditions like what by

tomorrow now [ __ ] that just oh yeah I'm not gonna go in I know they gotta give

me more time they don't they won't give me more time Johnny well they're not [ __ ] I'm not gonna go in but you regret it now I should have just said

that's a lesson to you [ __ ] do it oh I know no I'm very picky about the [ __ ] I do I say no all the time yeah I know

people are gonna regret the notes that's what he just said no because you know what I you can either regret find those

or you can regret the yeses because then you see the [ __ ] that you you that you were done with like that you did or

shot yeah then you regret what the [ __ ] you did okay let me say something okay

[Laughter]

you're right you're right you have integrity no here's because even the shitty [ __ ] that

you I've said yes to things right and it didn't turn out the way yeah I thought it was going to turn out but you always

learn from these situations yes you meet oh you always it's all about relationships yes this town right so

I've done shitty things met somebody and then three years later gotten a job another person that I met my point is is

that it's not all out the window and a waste of time no here here's my thing

I am very like uh I have learned the industry has taught me that in order for

me to be on TV I have to write the thing myself for me you know what I mean now that's

because people for some reason can't write for me because they make assumptions of who the [ __ ] the Latino

character is not even me so it's like this thing I realized yes when I had my

sitcom I was in every [ __ ] audition I was in the room in every audition and I

would see their resumes as they came in and I noticed that with the Latinos like the Latino men Latino women they didn't

have comedy experience because we weren't writing for them so how the [ __ ] do you teach timing how the [ __ ] do you

teach how to people how to act in sitcoms if you're not casting if you're not writing the parts so for me for me

to be on TV because at that point you know it's like people told me you'll never be on TV you're fat you got a

Crooked Tooth so for me I was like that's great

people got that specifically wow damn that's it oh but the only thing

but the thing is is that like I had put it out of my mind that I was ever gonna be on TV because they told me I was

never going to be on TV but I wrote my show and I accidentally got on TV yeah

you know so it's like this thing though when I see like roles that come to me I don't fit the box that they want for

Latinas so I end up getting a lot of sassy a lot of sassy roles that end up

getting cast by black women because I don't fit the box that they want I always say that with Latinas you're a

sex pot everybody wants to [ __ ] you and then you have to go away and like slightly retire for 10 15 years and then

you come back as the grandmother yeah you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah

I did not come to this country yeah

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bad friends do you ever guys think about like what you guys go ahead no no I just

want to jump I'm going to jump back on which auditions and roles and stuff go ahead well no I want you to go now right

now before because because I'm gonna we're going to a different direction oh okay you know what I've noticed recently

with auditions for let's Mexican or Latino roles in general they've been requiring a lot of Spanish

Frankie's good you're the man I have to I could I can't do like conversational like getting interviewed in Spanish I

was like [ __ ] up okay you're kind of like me then but I script that I could do yeah well let me let me give you some sentences

I want to give you some sentences let's see if you guys can do it let's do a [ __ ] little game here okay all right

excuse me where's the um bathroom

yeah there we go yeah but I I wouldn't have he should have asked me first because

he just got a point yeah

wow am I playing because my first language

or whatever yeah yeah because you also said excuse me so the correct thing

would have been comparison oh yeah

oh yeah see I wouldn't be able to do that I'd

have to call my mom yeah and then my mom will tell me how to say it I would write it down phonetically

not in Spanish I would write it down I grew up in farmland and my parents speak Spanish yeah so

what happened I understand it we just never we we they didn't teach us Spanish

were you part of the generation where your parents spoke Spanish but they didn't want you speaking Spanish because it was like you got another job yeah

no in my neighborhood it was like like there were a lot of people like that spoke Spanish parents that had kids that

wouldn't teach them English because it almost seemed like you mean Spanish in Spanish because because it almost felt

in a weird way and I don't mean this but it's like like it's like it's almost like a promotion like they were here in

the United States you know what I mean yeah this is why this is what happened my dad you know my mom's a stay-at-home mom my dad's like I'll work you know

back in the day right the old school style so he he told my mom you teach him

Spanish at home but then my mom said no I don't want to teach them Spanish because she thought we would have an

accent and when she was growing up they put all the Mexican kids in the back Who had who had accents they put him in the

back of the class so my mom was like no I don't want them to have any accents so which is not true

it is true look look what I mean it doesn't have an accent and they put me here in the back of the of the podcast

you see oh yeah they do yeah yeah

colonizer can you do this podcast

hey man that's not a Mexican either Carlos or are you Mexican really these are real Mexicans here I'm really

Mexican my parents are from Mexico City all right yeah well he's got his blood he's got his ancestors right is what and

you guys had asked see I would have been an Aztec warrior dude if it hadn't been for his ancestors coming over

Frankie and I would have been freaking Warriors bro anyway so get this let me tell you what

happened all right so so I did one I think it was for that show I did I did audition for that show uh

yeah anyway hentified remember that seriously

yes yes but they required they even asked at one point when you're done with the audition like after you do you read

we want you to do 30 seconds a minimum of a convert tell us about yourself in

Spanish minimum of 30 seconds dude so Rob de Rocha helped me I had to have Rob

dorocha come over because he's fluent okay so and then I'm doing poor guys

like he's trying to help me then there was a couple of lines and I have I gotta I gotta post this one of these days but

I read my line in Spanish and Rob starts to deliver his line and he just starts

laughing like he's like so bad it was that bad and in I I read my line

whatever it was independently yeah

that's great that's great

again what you just said I don't remember what it was but it was

something like that yeah

[Music] laughing his ass off I go what happened

he goes dude it's just yeah you're not sick like I don't because I and because he did that in the audition you probably

[ __ ] yourself up oh that was that was it right there you know it was a home to go in with that but no no no it was tape

he was tape and he sent it in but still I he he just kind of went he took the best out of all the bad all the bad ones

and he just goes I would send that one he goes besides white people are going to think maybe if the producers aren't

Latino or they're not Mexican they might think it's okay but I've been seeing a

lot of Spanish and auditions dude and that's just that it's a it's a I can't do I can't do that but you can no no I

cannot have a conversation like he said I can't look at them Australians right that learn how to speak in an American

accent hey look at me

this is

you know so if you had an audition and if oh you

do speak Korean right no okay yeah yeah so could you speak South Korea could you go in a if it's if it's an audition and

you're supposed to have a conversation back and forth would you be no okay no no no no no so do you get hit up for

auditions like that yeah but my age does not go he's not gonna do it yeah okay they already know yeah because I can't

I've tried it even my Asian accent sucks I have two types yeah high and low

that sounds like an Asian's name how are you doing today like Chinese you know what I mean yeah

well yeah yeah you know and then and then you do that Japanese thing a lot

yeah yeah but sometimes I think but can I pivot

now a little bit or no yeah yeah yeah I just wanted to say that I'm noticing this has not been good for me lately because there I don't know what's going

on and why everybody's requiring Spanish these roles but you know look at Pedro Pascal and these guys do I mean they're

they're already fluent so it's so I gotta write my in other words kind of

kind of going off of what christelle was talking about for me I I feel like I have to do the same thing because they're not going to write [ __ ] for a

coconut dude they don't want Hollywood doesn't want coconut you know people what coconut is Browning the outside

white on the inside I'm a banana you're a banana Filipinos are Twinkies are Twinkies yeah yeah what are you well

same thing as you say pocho is like uh yeah but butcher's bad that's a that's a

that's a that's a low dig it is I used to get bites over pocho dude when I was in school it's similar to coconut though

yeah yeah but isn't it what could that sounds worse a couple of implications there that

you're kind of crazy okay okay because we said uh Koreans a banana right

Filipinos Twinkie we know blacks Oreo right yes can I just say something wait

let me get this one out guess what I found out Native Americans call the white wash ones what radish

how great is that one that's great because of red yeah wow red on the outside white on the end of America why

is it all about food I know I know there's some [ __ ] hungry generalizers yeah

white in the inside it's not we're American

I was born in America yeah and I'm an American yeah you know what I you know

what I I don't call myself a Mexican but you know what I consider a Mexican-American what is somebody who's born in Mexico and then came here and

became and and then got their citizenship and became or Armenian um American I was calling myself American

Mexican when I was in school and everybody laughed at me back then yeah you guys love Antonio Banderas Antonio

Banderas oh my god dude I love it yeah is he Mexican no no no no no

he's Spanish right yeah yeah yeah yeah

dude that that I remember that preview from uh the trailer from Interview with a Vampire back in the day we used to die

laughing because the announcer would be like you know Tom Cruise Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas

yeah was he was at the movie yeah yes

Interview with a Vampire he was well he was a Spanish vampire oh that's right

[Laughter]

I just want to say remember one time on mad oh my god oh I was supposed to come out they were doing a fake thing that

that mad was going over to Mexico Mad TV yeah that show was going to start airing we were both on Mad TV yeah and so

Colton Dunn love Colton right great writer actor

I don't like this you're just you're just going through the motion so I get this over with he's telling for a

new generation who's watching this got it that's true they don't even know about it he wrote a monologue for me to

come out and and I was gonna do it and uh so he wrote it in English and then he just hit the translation Spanish honey I

don't know what kind of Spanish that was all right there were words in there I had never I was like what is this and Colton's like it's I just hit

translation on Google um I'm so proud to work with you it was

fun yeah it was a fun two years yeah yeah yeah go on you know what that was

that you can cut out no we're not that last piece no yeah yeah pivot panic

[Laughter] a little bit um

you about to Pivot you know I kind of don't want a pivot now I feel like the pivot's not gonna

work no no yeah do you have any desire to learn speak more Korean or are you

just like I am who I am that's it well I just don't know how that would help me okay because you know um Koreans you

know are doing well in movies but the Koreans in Korea are making their movies I'll never be as good right as them to

be in a movie like that so it's like and the I I don't really get Asian parts anymore I'm just like I think I'm more

known as a slackery [ __ ] up you know I mean and so I'm getting kind of those stonery kind of which is actually a

really cool place to be at yeah yeah once you become I'm excited because but once you be it's you know called it like

you're once you become a type yeah you can work all forever so like those actors that are character

actors they they're a type like Luis Guzman this dude is work because he's always gonna be when they go hey we need

kind of like a sloppy Hispanic dude it's Luis Guzman yeah they're gonna go to

Louise every single time yeah he's a type he's been a type for 30. even if like if I'm I'm on reservation dogs and

I play a doctor I'm the same kind of as the Magnum I'm just what a great part yeah you know

I love you I have talked to them it was but I can't

attack her no but she's bringing up great points she's making an entry you guys are killing it this is so fun thank you so

much for being here that just seems I've been so [ __ ] fun oh I love it okay

thank you okay all right um pivot he only pointed to us because you were late yeah no I love it bro you

have family time you have fun with you I know whatever

was like yeah they're gonna have Mexican there bad friends I was like what yeah yeah Mexican who do you think I was

gonna be here I was like oh I don't know like a big old homie

I I wasn't even told that it was Mexican day when I told you it was with the two

people that that are on here you didn't make that assumption no I just thought that we were Comics oh you're right

he told me and then I come here and it's a [ __ ] like yeah

they're trying to betray you it's a betrayal again the Spanish so I always think to

myself if I see a western or whatever right I think to myself oh if I was an Asian back then and who I am now yeah

with all my eccentric behaviors and who I am what would I do like a hundred

years ago what job would I have what kind of woman would I have as a wife you know in America what do you guys think

you'd be doing I would I would have oh like if I grew up with my dad's era my dad was born in

1935 yeah um I probably would have been like him like a lot of Labor work

construction pool plastic little too so what's that got to do with it yeah what

does that have to do with construction because if I own the farm I would just go look at the little guy yeah

[ __ ] you know you would have went to an interim Camp if you not even being

Japanese you probably would have been such an internet because they would have just been like we don't care if you're

Korean we're pretty sure there were some Koreans there like what are we doing here right yeah like that yeah so you

would be working I know right it's like you know it's

actually that does sound like a Mexican accent if you did the whole like what are you doing here yeah go up yeah go up

what are you doing here what about you Crystal um I think I already know what you'd be

but go ahead I come from a family that's very old-fashioned my dad kidnapped my mom

and what like her Village in Mexico your dad kidnapped your mom that's how people got married back then wow like a simpler

days yeah imagine if you were still

unfuckable in those days oh no what if my kidnapped skills aren't good no it's

not you have to lure you would have no choice yeah no the man would just go to the

house and make the woman go with him and the woman had no option so that's my mom

so I would say that if she eventually fell in love with your dad no okay no no no no my mom was actually the first

woman in her family to ever leave her husband she tried to leave him and uh she went to her brother and her brother

took her back to the husband of course that was abusive and he said your job as a woman is to be his wife poor women

dude to me like that's what I would that's what I would say my life would be my life would be to this

I was raised as a kid in Texas to make sure that my brothers were taken care of

all the men you know had more rights than I was and that's why it's kind of weird but I get to do stand-up and that

I've gotten to the place that I've been at because it's a total 180 from where I grew up in you know so like for me I

wouldn't say you're going to be a community organizer or something you seem like one of those people that were like you know they need better rights

you're back in the day half my life is that like right now that's what uh like I'm going to DC

um tomorrow to uh do uh anyway what about you Frankie

feet around someone's dick oh he missed that he wasn't here

that's my side Hustle

all right well I proposed this earlier somebody hey homie that's party yeah yeah yeah if somebody dm'd you and said

hey bro I'm a big fan um you know I'm a billionaire right how

much would I have to pay you I don't know billionaires talk like that hey bro

I'm a big fan I'm a billionaire he invented lowriders hey bro I invented low riders

[Laughter] yeah 500 years

is that a guitar or a singer or a player yeah it's like though yeah it's a whole

crew yeah it's a it's a group oh and Mariachi is a group yeah the Mariachis so if like one guy said whatever um

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you rabbit [ __ ] yeah yeah

when guys rabbit [ __ ] do you like it or not I I didn't even know Robin [ __ ] was a thing

of a short guy yeah I mean Asia's called the sewing machine

okay here we go so no one's ever rapid [ __ ] you like really fast

really so you do slow for him [Laughter]

do you always sewing machine what I do sewing machine all the time every time do you think that in your head I'm like

oh I'm [ __ ] you're good no why does he have a Mexican accent

yeah you know but I'll do slow for him and then all of a sudden you know if you

could see him if I was a cartoon you would see a light bulb and then you would see that would vanish

if you see a rabbit right and then I'm like rabbit time and I'll do it for like

20 stages hard right leg hard and the r and the girls I don't know what their

faces are like but it's I don't think they like it I think they're like like this is weird yeah it's too fast

it's too fast this is for him yeah

yes for him I think I'm doing it for her but it's probably no it's not for her no

it's not for her it's not for her at all that right there when you start doing that they think that it's all about you

and you're interested in getting it off and you're not gonna do [ __ ] for her oh that's offensive what you just said

because it's true no because because you're saying that when I rabbit [ __ ] at the end of my rabbit [ __ ] does come

it's not no I go back to slow form no no no I'm saying I go back to sleep no it's

not offensive because I'm saying that's what they think at that moment ah so they don't know what's coming but

literally after one day I start going back into slow form I would say

so I would say so yeah it's

[Laughter]

not like when you're playing the power of your character rabbit [ __ ] is full power and then

you're like oh I gotta like wait to load up again right right the little energy bar kind of yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you

gotta like take it to the edge yeah like you gotta find like a life support [ __ ] or something yeah some crates you know

I'm old I'm not in shape yeah I can wrap it for five for days or my early 20s I always pictured you it

was like a rabbits yeah are you serious bro I kissed a rabbit folks for days

rabbit [ __ ] is like a vibrator

[Laughter]

I always pictured you as a I'm just gonna lay on my back and have the girl ride you you seem like that kind of guy

like he's your slacker guy you know what I mean I just I totally would not

picture you doing the sewing machine because you're like you know you even say it you don't like to do anything

you're [ __ ] lazy wow he's like Bobby's accepting all of this like he's like really processing

this yeah you know what's weird whenever they say something you laugh hysterically I say something

no okay [Laughter]

well you're saying um I think about right because it's very

um potent what you're saying and real and I'm trying to analyze what you're saying that's why oh yeah yeah yeah

um because you do like being on uh a girl on top that's true but can I say something right now my friend yeah my

old friend you get Amigo yep you can wrap a style from the bottom what's up dog

you're doing the under power thrust [Laughter]

I will tell you this I think that uh women or maybe me yeah when I meet a guy

I imagine how they're gonna [ __ ] right and sometimes I don't want to [ __ ] them by what they look like all right how

about this this is great and by that have you ever been surprised though when you thought you had a homie figure it out barely okay how about this but I'll

tell you this and I I but when I say let me disclaim it when I say by what they look like I don't mean physical looks I

mean by like like when you were saying the slacker thing yeah like I I agreed with you all right so let's let's play

this game wait wait you don't know Frankie Johnny or me no right we're at a

[ __ ] we could be at a bar or quinceanera whatever you want okay right

in um Albuquerque been there love it okay so we're in a

bar of Albuquerque right we're homies yeah that's three we walk in yeah hey

homie you know how we do yeah yeah you know how we do it right and you're

looking at us so go to Johnny first how would he [ __ ] just based on his look and

be real Johnny is a strong guy he's a comic Legend well she doesn't know that whole

backstory though she's going based off just look yeah she said that's what she said okay okay that's what she said she can do I would say that Johnny likes to

take his time in a good way I think that just by looking at him I know that he's not like he's not in his

20s so he actually has been around where he might have picked up a couple lessons like a lot of tips so I think that for

me like just seeing that I'm like you know what if I saw Johnny at a bar and like we were in that room I would be

like you know what I would maybe chance it you know what I mean I would probably you know it's like because because of

the it's like what and by the way question like when I say that I assume like you know that I guess what the guys

are and stuff I also mean that I've talked to them a little bit too you know what I mean so okay you wanna get some

conversations going on I just wanted to have that okay but you

know what kind of vaguely what he talks like yeah yeah I would be like just from that and like what he looks like I would

be like he might be a no he might be like a decent [ __ ] Frankie Frankie I think

this could hurt how do you feel right now she's pretty

spot on and I'll tell you oh so gross no no let me tell you why yeah I don't

know if it's because I was raised the three older sisters no brothers oh here we go I take care of the woman first it's all

about her people rarely do that yeah I know women like they rarely do that men men don't it's all about them so I take

my I I've always I'm not I'm not lying I've been told I'm very one one word

that's been used for me for years and years passionate and I'm very passionate oh I I'm with vomiting in my mouth yeah

oh that's so yeah wow I take my time I make sure she's all right yeah yeah I do

that too dog all right we do it too dog she's pretty close all right let's go to Frankie now

now I would think that Frankie if we were at a bar I would be excited to see him if we talk I'm like oh you know what

this could go either way you could either be really great but I doubt it because I actually think that he's the

kind of guy that would that would probably have a couple choices and when people have a couple choices they don't

really focus on one person because they're spreading it around so what you're saying is I don't have any choices

[Laughter]

and that's true I feel good no no no and she's and she's spot on I've never been

a guy that had a bunch of options I've never been a woman that's had a lot of options like I've never had options he's

lying well I I'm telling the truth you are lying that was only because you see

me perform and I was young when he was young and the hottest comic in L.A this

guy used to be the hottest comic in LA right when he says this leather jacket I used to watch it from

the back I go this guy's a rock star yeah a [ __ ] rock star but that but the girls are hooked up with me because

I was on stage Bobby that's David [Laughter]

enough about that not me

Pain's coming so I need some support that's why I look at Carlos right I know some Pain's coming I'm not gonna lock

eyes with you during this segment right I'm gonna look at Carlos right and I'm not gonna have any expressions and I'm

gonna take it like a man go ahead uh since you said that we had already talked I think that I would consider you

very hard to impress on my end I think that you're actually somebody that you know because you think that you're not

[ __ ] or whatever but the way that you talk you're actually somebody that's very

intimidating towards a woman so because like the way that you talk you're not playing any games that that

the women are used to you are not like you are not what women are used to dealing with so they don't know what the

[ __ ] to do with you so like imagine like you know that's why when Johnny was saying that you look like a like because

you gave off the slacker Vibes you would expect that the woman would be like dominant meaning that you want to be

dominant and like not doing anything because and that is actually very confusing because at this point it's

just like wait I either a I'm gonna have to do all the work because you seem like

you don't give a [ __ ] enough like like where you're just like happy you're like calm you're where you are like whatever

but when I talk to you it's just like man does he want to [ __ ]

or not and it's that thing where like so when we actually get to have sex [ __ ] yeah you know it's like I don't it's a

riddle because and I'll tell you this I will say oh it's a mind game I'm a Batman villain

Benjamin like you wait your turn

no you know why you're a henchman because people don't know [ __ ] about the backstory of the henchmen and that's you

oh wow you know what I mean everybody but I am evil you got you got a bad side to you oh

there we go but with Bobby do you think the end result would be satisfying or you'd be doing it too much work there is

no answer because Bobby I will say [ __ ] Bobby is having like

is get buying a candy that's a mystery flavor and you don't know it's like a Harry Potter candy I don't know anything about

Harry Potter but like AirHeads they have a mystery flavor that's like question mark you're like a question mark what is

it like you would be I'm a mystery he's like somebody that I wouldn't know which way it's going to go right uh yeah yeah

like I could have a dick or a platypus foot oh no no you definitely have a dick but it's either like you know what it is

it's like I would either expect that like when you tell people like like I could either be like

[ __ ] Bobby Lee yeah exactly shut up [ __ ] you Frankie [ __ ] you

Frankie I never saw you this interesting I'm like oh wow yeah you know what because you know

um I was actually saying this right I think right before we started recording it's like the reason I said like when

Bobby asked me to be on the podcast today I said yes I like Bobby a lot because he's no [ __ ] so it's that

thing where like he doesn't hold back he's very him so like that's the thing that for me I'm like whatever he says

goes and it's just like and that's how you know who he is so at a bar if I saw

you and we talked I'm like that's what like at least I know who the [ __ ] you are you're not telling me that you're

looking for something serious you're not trying like just to get me like just to try to get me back into like two years

now now it's our turn

by the way I don't mean to Pivot real quick but she was talking about villains

uh I just want to ask a question because I find myself ever since I was a kid I

always gravitated to the villains and not the heroes me too okay I remember

watching the first you know the very first Star Wars and you know there's Luke there's

Han Solo or whatever I just was like nothing nothing I'm just like this as soon as I saw Darth Vader I'm like

there's my guy and I've always been I've I just lean toward I love the Riddler I

love the Joker's my favorite villain because they're complex characters I mean you look at Travis Bickle from Taxi

Driver right yeah I mean what a dark character but you're on his side because a lot of his um issues you kind of

relate to you know the isolation the overthinking you know you know I I if I

wasn't a stand-up comic and had the life that I had I could see myself not become a killer or anything like that but I

could see myself going dark and thinking a lot and yeah I mean is that weird inner thoughts you know I mean I just

don't act on them and whatnot but I I relate to those characters me too is that what it is maybe that's yeah I

think that to me it's kind of like I see certain villains as an underdog and it's because the way that we show The Good

the quote-unquote good how you're supposed to be kind of like the good team the good side is always very like

oh man they're just perfect vanilla like they're just oh man look at like they

have the looks like they have everything it's kind of like I always go back to like Bad News Bears right it's like a

team of just like these like people that come in together and try to make it work and like they're seen as the underdog

and a lot of the villains Darth Vader to me is kind of like a different thing because if you look at the merchandising

Darth Vader is just so dominant over the good side because the good side has so

many Heroes yeah but we always go back to Darth Vader right so he's dominant right but it's that thing where like

you're also so empathy there because you have the emperor yes right so you know he's not you know he's being manipulated

too from a guy above 100 and then he had a lot of trauma as a young kid right

yeah and younger issues yeah yeah when you see the prequels you actually start thinking like uh when you see Anakin's

rise you're thinking oh now I know why he's Darth you know and you kind of can't like what is it uh with like like

princess amidalia or whatever it's like you know you start seeing and you're like [ __ ] like now I get why he's a dick

you know what I mean yeah to me that's why like when we get to delve into the villains and honestly I think that the

villains the villains and the heroes those are labels that we create but in our everyday life we have villains and

we have Heroes that we label because the heroes are nice to us and the villains aren't and sometimes the villains aren't

nice to us because maybe we're the villains back to them you know so I love

that kind of [ __ ] yeah I'm probably a villain when I drink right Bobby oh yeah I changed to the villain yeah yeah

um that's interesting yeah yeah you know you said you brought up teams like the bad news bear when I was a kid my dad

was a Die Hard 49er fan right so I hear he had the whole outfit

you can finish I promise you will finish I promise you'll be finished let me just can I right you're a pivot King

and I love it I love to see you work okay all right yes let's go on baseball

now no no no no let me just say this I'm not going to go into base what I was but when I so I'm a 49er fan right the

colors gold red white it's a bright yeah I started watching the Raiders they were

mean they were dirty they cheated and they were black they were in black and I

just fell in love with that team dude oh my God and the jerseys were black

they were they had a lot their hair was outside of their helmets I mean they were called mullets

so I remember I switched to the you know broke my dad's heart the rest of my

family all Niner fans all of them and I went to the dark just because like she said she liked the bad news I love the

Raiders because they were they were they were mean and dirty dude and I as a kid

I was just like and I think that's because I got picked on a lot you know what I mean because I was the smallest kid in the class the middle guy yeah

yeah you know it's funny is that my family I'm the only Cowboys fan everybody in my

family Steelers yeah well because I want to say that in the 70s they had an exhibit game or

something in Mexico and my family just became in love with like the Steelers yeah and because I was

born and was raised in Texas I picked Cowboys and it's just that thing where like your family doesn't understand why they're like yeah it's almost like you

have a like like this problem yeah man yeah but anyway I just was

curious about that villains people with I I just didn't know that I but I guess other people do that and gravitate

towards I love Bobby's facial expressions throughout all of it he hides nothing like you're you talk about

trying to change it and he's like oh okay yeah but how come he keeps doing that face when I talk there's nobody

else I'll be honest completely honest with you can I be honest with you yeah Bobby of course because I know you the

best I have a long history with you yeah right and um yeah I mean I

I love you man yeah we visited his like if we visited

Bobby's house Frankie and I would use the guest bathroom oh you're in the man yeah you're like oh wow you get to eat

soaps yeah my body washes yeah yeah yeah we do go back man you know I met you and

we met in 98. I know oh my God I know that's 25 years ago it's insane what 25

I thought it was 98. 25 years ago man I was gonna add 10. no

you're thinking 90 you're thinking 88. 88 is 35 years ago

98 is 25. how old do you think we are well apparently from your stories yeah

well I'm older than Bob yeah no yeah I mean I've known you I was um

enamored by you yeah anyway and I was the only one nice to Bobby at

the gravity store let me just say this okay great episode oh are we done yeah another great

episode chemistry was great yeah I I generally don't laugh that hard but with

these these ones when I do this he was going to say these ones was so fun too oh yeah yeah and they're

just oh you like the theme you like the theme ones not just themed I like being it with you know um people that I like

that are funny and seeing what the mixture because even the last one I didn't know what the mixture would be like it just could have gone awry yeah

you know what I mean yeah I haven't called Carlos and I go I don't know what this mixture is going to be like yeah I

mean so um but it was it's just beyond you know I mean

expectation Johnny can you look at this camera and say gracias porcer malos

Amigos say that again Los Amigos

gracias gracias for sale Amigos

gracias oh gracias you said like you said parsias

no no there isn't so I don't know that I

have never heard of that before so [Laughter] somebody said hey say thank you I would

just go gracias that's all I would say does that cover it

what he's trying to say is the way we close the shows somebody looks in the camera and goes thank you

for being a bad friend oh that's right okay okay

go ahead gracias

[Music] gracias Amigos

all right [Music]