BEST OF 2020! | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

your house looks like a [ __ ] anthropology store it's light enough getting [ __ ] and i have to

sit there you live in a booger cave [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] don't talk [ __ ] about my mom the hovel is what i like to call her so

you're saying because we're real friends you don't care about white piece of [ __ ] you look down on others this is my

holiday you're looking this is my holiday down in other people's culture dude you're so annoying

[Laughter] you know what rat leather is rat leather

yes is it with your mom is it what your mom uses to make your clothes when you were a kid no rat leather is similar to the

stinkiness of um your mom's vagina okay i mean you started with my story my

mom is a professional work space dude we can get what are you doing [ __ ] angry for no reason i'm asking a question

pointed at me to get back [ __ ]

yeah and keep it in don't even edit it out that's what you are that's what you are

hey [Music] welcome to another episode of bad

friends everybody um yesterday was yesterday was yesterday was father's day

and uh oh boy i miss my dad and the thing is i wanted to um write a father's day um

song and um i told you i was gonna do that too yeah you promised me and i thought you weren't gonna do it i'm being serious and and i forgot about it and then we

were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late um i wasn't late i was getting you sugar-free red bull rudy was i

getting sugar-free red bull yeah see okay but was were we here were we here before i called them dude

you called me it doesn't matter no no you called me all right can we do the father's day what's your angry about

you always do this to me you trample on me trample trample your turn you trample trample you trample trample yeah that's you

travel trample yeah yeah go ahead trampoline so um you know i while we were waiting for you um

because we were early cause i got sugar will you go yeah and i um i wrote a song real quick because i

write a lot of music on my i'm garage band so i just came up with i have an old older like weird song i

mean so i wanted to i wrote a song for my dad okay let's hear it all right

daddy i love you daddy why you died

happy father's day daddy daddy i can fly

daddy i miss you why are you dead

[Music]

i'm sorry i took photos of you while you were dead and sent

it to the heart says what was in my head you were dead and i whipped out my

phone i can't [ __ ] believe i did that [ __ ] i'm all alone

daddy i love you okay there we go very good and i i have another thing

that i do that i don't really talk about but if i'm on an elevator and anyone over the age of 60 walks onto

the elevator i'll hold your breath no i'll get off the elevator period at any time every time

why because especially if i'm alone in the elevator because if this person dies i'll

probably just leave yeah you know what i mean and because i don't wanna i don't know how to call and i don't know what who to call i

don't know what papers to sign i don't know who to interview i got [ __ ] to do you don't you don't have to do

almost any of that if you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself where you have you

can't just leave you would just go somebody died in there and then they show up and then the paramedics help them

okay so let's get this let's play this out okay all right i'm in an elevator yeah old man walks in

the old man and he goes tell all young man i was in the korean war because old

people always say something like that or they all say you know i love that chinese restaurant down the street

and i'll be like okay cool [Music] my heart

right elevator open i call [Music]

is this the hospital i don't know what to call is this hospital well you have to call 9-1-1 oh [ __ ] that

9-1-1 9-1-1 yes um an old man died

what's the address i don't know i'll be right back and i can run outside

i gotta look at the address it's five five four four three

what sure what street are we on they're that timberland timberland what state

california it's california oh [ __ ] california camberlin 995543 california tamberlin

okay well then um the analysts will be there as soon as possible can i leave no you have to go back in

with the man go in right now oh [ __ ] as i run back in

oh [ __ ] okay i gotta do something i gotta put my mouth in his mouth

ugh i leave the elevator i'm leaving the elevator to go back outside i'll

probably have a cigarette it's not by this time though

oh yeah yeah yeah sir yeah yeah are you the man that called the police i am the one okay what what happened to the man where

is he he's in the elevator all right come with us right now come with us right now come with us right now i put my my get

with me right now come on let's go oh [ __ ] is that him right there of

course no there's another dead guy around the block sir i don't need your attitude i'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died

did you make him [ __ ] or poop did you make him because i didn't i don't know what to do i just punched his chest so you caused this man to throw up

and have diarrhea inside of this elevator well because i put my mouth on his mouth turn around you're under arrest turn around you're under arrest what the [ __ ]

i have an idea you're on the run that's it that's what happens that's that's why i don't want to be in the

elevator that makes perfect sense if there was an animal you had to have sex with though forced

yeah probably sheep i'm from ireland i think they do that [ __ ] all the time yeah sheep

i think because because it's soft yeah and they're don't laugh at me yeah i think because

they're soft yeah and and even if they get upset they're just like

so it's not that bad for me it would be panda oh because they're so cute well i don't

even think that's true and you could i could here's the thing if i was having sex with an animal i wouldn't

want them to think hey hey there yeah right somebody [ __ ] me

right i wouldn't want them to think that you just want it to be a thing i don't want them to go hey there well then if you [ __ ] a big

animal then what i would do with a panda is you give them a grade a bamboo oh like i love the chew that [ __ ]

why goo bamboo right so i'd be like here's bamboo they'd be like hey there and then i

would you know and they'd be just so focused on but don't think it's so [ __ ] up from the

eucalypt is that eucalyptus is is that pandas no matt who eats eucalyptus sloths and they

black out right they just pass out yeah yeah they get really [ __ ] high because sloth they go whoa sloths live in trees how can you get them because i

thought about this right honestly i don't know why i thought about this but in papua new guinea there's a lot of

slumps right i didn't know there is right yeah so what they would do if they would go to papua new guinea right and slos you don't know i googled

this i don't know why i don't know why i researched this but sloths they come to the ground while they take a [ __ ] or they go to the

bathroom i've seen this right i've seen this in costa rica they come to the ground right yeah so imagine a bunch of sloths in the tree

right where are you going johnny it slots like i gotta take your [ __ ]

gotta take a i'll be right back and as soon as he lands get him 50 dudes

come out they form a train yeah right and then he trying to run away right and he's like

and his buddies are going run frankie i'm

trying to run right and he gets on the tree

right he's already been raped 40 50 times right and people are like jumping up and tagging them

right and just ripping them right as he goes up the taller the taller guys yeah the tyler guys right i mean that

would be a nightmare they'd be extinct plays for you because this is from my family to yours

this is happy birthday in korean let's all sing along for bobby let's do it

[Music]

happy birthday to you're welcome dude that was so nice

they don't do [ __ ] like that for you in north korea no they don't yeah yeah okay can i say this yeah yes all right

have you ever met anyone from north korea yes yes no you haven't yes it's like an eskimo you've never met an

eskimo you've read them among the books in the fairy tales what you could play with them on in video games maybe but you've never

met one your energy needs to change you get it going go get your coke

go get your diet coke your energy needs to change your energy needs this change what i

came in here you were all [ __ ] no hellos nothing said hello no you're like in your

own world or whatever

[Laughter]

i will not shoot it if you come if i have a boundary do not cross the boundary put it on the

desk i will shoot you with it if you don't [ __ ] sit down put it on the desk

put it away from you put it away from you no no no put the safety on no i'm not keeping the safety on yes

no dude i'm leaving i'm not gonna record today i will not shoot you i promise you if you if you get anyone near me i'm just

putting the safety on the gun sit down

sit down then don't give me no i will not oh my god sit down i said i will shoot you

put the safety just sit down point that at me and don't do that all right well then just sit down

no don't don't talk about safeties don't talk about safeties don't talk about safeties oh my god

don't talk about safety don't point that at me ever again i won't you put it at me no i didn't uh no i

pretended yuma style no i you walked in and i showed you the gun all right i showed you the shoot my

[ __ ] hat give me the gun here i will shoot your redheaded face pointed at me get back on the [ __ ] back up

don't pull back put it right here no i'm not going to put it there put it here i need to protect myself put it on just give me the thing no no no no

no no give it to me he gets so angry because that can [ __ ] really do damage i'm not gonna hurt you i need to put the safety on no just sit

down let's start the podcast i will not [ __ ] do it give it to put it put it down it's fine give me it okay

i will shoot your head if your attitude doesn't change look i'm being 100 serious with you i'm 100 serious as well

if you shoot me with that gun yeah if you [ __ ] shoot me yeah i'm i'm i'm dead serious i'm dead serious my my hands these hands

will [ __ ] pummel your stupid face until it's city silly putty i will knock all your teeth out i'll stomp your [ __ ] neck in i'll beat the

living [ __ ] out of you interesting if you shoot me in the face with that yeah you're [ __ ] okay look at me in the eyes you're [ __ ]

if you if i shoot you in the head with this yeah and you beat the [ __ ] out of me yeah you're [ __ ] why you'll see why

because i you think that this is the only weapon that i have right now that's my gun i have i don't know

i have other weapons as well give me my gun no let me just have it no bobby you'll get

it at the end of the podcast i want it all right let me ask you another um question may i mm-hmm if i shoot you in the head if you

shoot me in the head let me just follow this through please and you beat the living [ __ ] out of me

listen would you end this podcast forever you swear to god if you shot me in the [ __ ] head yeah with a with an airsoft

gun yeah those are rock hard bbs yeah yeah they're not even the plastic ones right i would beat the living [ __ ] out of you

and then i'd make you do a podcast with me and that would be our final podcast i'd make you do one all [ __ ] up yeah

yeah and bleeding and dripping and no teeth yeah and me with a bullet can i say george

yeah okay yeah don't point it at people i'm not gonna throw it look at my hands not even

on the trigger dude it's supposed to be on the side it's just gonna be on your your trigger finger should be on the

side of the gun don't point it at me like this like this yes okay put the

safety on i'll put the safety on you don't know how you have to pull back on those things and

it's not on s it's a little s no dude it's not on look i'm gonna show you

yes put it up now put it away put it down okay that's it now the safety is off you just turned it off again it's this s

with the red that's f it's gonna fire right now okay it's not gonna fire okay good point

point it at the point shoot the plant shoot the shoot the plant yeah okay good

you know what my [ __ ] you know what you know what my can i shoot the screen the tv yeah let's just see what happens

close your eyes close your eyes turn around are you gonna do it yeah but that's

that's my tv how much is it i don't know it doesn't matter it's a [ __ ] tv like what then we gotta go get a new one all right

i kind of want you to do it now and i won't do it but if you do i'm cool with it we just

have to go get one then i'll go buy one now i'll go to the best so i get a better one here's my only

fear what i don't care about the tv it's a piece of [ __ ] tv but the cameras what if it hits one of the cameras

the odds the uh if i look at they rick it bounces the ball is going to bounce everywhere let me the odds of

it shoot your hat again that's yeah it's going to ricochet aim here

okay if i aim it like this it'll hit george in the face i'm not gonna do it god dude if you do

it you're done thank you i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it bobby yeah close your

eyes bobby don't oh really i'm gonna do it you don't have the balls i don't know i don't have the balls to

shoot my own tv yeah you're [ __ ]

oh my god dude i'm so scared you're a [ __ ] you're weak right that's what it is if

you shoot me i honestly yeah i don't need to do this podcast me neither oh if they shoot me we're dead this is

it this is it the last one we do you're right okay say goodnight then take out your penis let me shoot your penis

no i would never shoot you hold out your hat though can i shoot your head on no no no shoot the screen or nothing i don't want

to shoot the [ __ ] tv then we're going to get a new tv you're weak that's it

be a man bobby in life this is for showbiz this is for entertainment purposes it's

going to ricochet and bounce off and hurt i'm going to turn around

watch your eyes i'm going to close my computer all right ready yeah three two

no signal one oh right in the middle holy [ __ ] you did break it

and it says no signal by the way ricocheted and hit me right on the shoulder no really that's what i got it

oh my god it did hurt it did break it um so sorry that's all right

why did you do it you [ __ ] said to i was kidding why would you do that it was kind of fun it was fun huh

um hey everybody okay

i don't want to do this bob i don't want to do this i don't i don't want to

do it jimmy kimmel he uh he's not gonna host the show for a while so i i'm going to

uh try to get the job there to do the whole things you have to [ __ ] do it i can't

believe i don't know what to say [ __ ] idea give me any joke to say i do comedy too

shut the [ __ ] up okay here we go hey alive around the world is uh the

world is absolutely insane right now what's going on around the world uh hey everybody talking bang here oh

boy what go ahead in the world right now it's crazies 150 million

a thousand people died from corona and boy melania trump i i do i [ __ ] her

i [ __ ] you gotta make it uh it's for network tv so oh okay so i saw it they said oh boy

what's going around this town right now holy moly [ __ ] and fifty thousand

million people died from kovit 19 donald trump wife melania i i stick it i stick it away the vagina

the president do anything else with that oh [ __ ] okay there was a guy who was

raising sea turtles and check this out and he's selling them uh he's selling them at uh two shells of

pop he's he's uh this guy's getting

he's getting a killer deal on that uh don't talk about the maloney yeah not about no talk about the

president's life the blm black aliva they matter and you know you

go to the protest right you stood sign do not do that to the black

right and you know one time i went to protest and i saw a woman while protesting with

her when she looked like uh you know milani no not the president's

wife no but she i she's not it was not her because this was an la so

this is not her but she looked like okay she looked like maloney so she protesting black lives

like a black lives getting to the right and then i hit like this her hip

right and i look at her i go you know one day you and i could go go bang bang no stop saying you're gonna have sex

with the president's wife she's not there okay yeah yeah yeah stick to your current events oh correct

okay okay my god what's going on with the uy2k

the y2k man 2000. everything is going to be wipeout

there's a um melania what

if you we never we're never going to get this gig if you do that

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it's free to change with somebody so um traditional offline counseling is quite quite more expensive

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you know what andrew i was always thought i always thought that i was too dumb no you learn a different language no you're through babble i've been

learning uh french i've been learning spanish espanol uh check this out uh uh donde esta

uh andres see that's great yeah see i'm doing a good job i'm learning look it's uh it's a language learning

method there it is you're gonna speak a new language within weeks uh babel is a

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um and it's super interactive right bob oh i love it it's it's easy to use yeah it is it honestly

yeah no joke uh if you sign up for babel you'll you can you can see how quickly you'll start picking up stuff very fast and it's

and it's also street slangs it's not just like it's it's it's how naturally people talk to each

other not this technical stuff right other um services yeah biblioteca it's not really formal it's a lot more loose

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et cetera et cetera speak the language like you always wanted to with babel uh tell him what we got for him bob and

right now babel is offering our listeners three month free with a purchase of a

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code bad friends on your three-month subscription that's babble b-a-b-b-e-l-com

use that promo code bad friends babble language for life i want to do something real fast because

everybody loved it um when we did a little scene reading and i'd like to do a scene reading right now but i don't know what movie it is it

doesn't you'll figure it out almost right away um i want you to put on this

if you could and i'll put on one of these things so we're going to be doing a little

classic scene reading and i'll put on you have to put on that you put on one of those around your neck as

well i'm going to be doing a little little classic scene reading here for bob um this is one of his favorite

movies he said this so we have to abide by what bob likes

and wants oh i forgot i have to take my headphones off um

but we're trying to get dressed here you let andre let andres do the

direction that would be great all right give me those scripts are right there what the beats were

what do you mean what are the beats for you put them on yeah you got to put them on okay okay put them on and are you going to

put back on your headphones or no yeah you don't have to if you don't want to um give me a script and give him a script

this is something that the fans really wanted and also something that you love um what is that all right so you're

going to be the role of rose and andres is going to read uh some of the scene direction okay go ahead andre

what what movie is this you'll figure it out almost right away is it the notebook it would be almost impossible for you to not figure out the notebook

nope but you'll just figure it out almost right away you're close okay so guys ready interior

rose sweet what 1912 like in a dream the beautiful

woodwork

dude where's real first of all andreas just before cut cut just project a little bit more

you get to project a little bit more because you know you're you're acting as if you're the director or whatever does that yeah you know he

went to they went to a film school together i know they did so more right slow it down a bit okay start

from the top go ahead okay here we go interior hold on one second my phone's ringing

hold on okay go ahead it's rogue and i'm not going to answer that answer answer it yeah yeah no he won't want to be on the

show okay um okay hold on let's start from scratch here we go let's start from scratch go ahead okay interior rose sweet

[Music] like in a dream the beautiful woodwork and sat in upholstery

emerged from the rusted ruin jack is overwhelmed by the opulence of

the room [Music] he set his sketchbook and drawing materials in the marble table

will this light do don't others need good light that is true i am not used to working in

such horrible conditions hey monet he crazy

he crouches next to the painting stacks against the wall

isn't he great the use of color i saw him once through a hole in this garden fence in

gineri she goes into the adjacent walk-in wardrobe closet

he sees her girl he sister go to the safe and starts working the

combination he's fascinated callus insists unlocking this thing

everywhere should i be expecting him any time soon not as long as the cigars and

brandy hold out clunk she unlocks the safe glancing up she mets his eyes in the

mirror behind the safe she opens it and removes the necklace then holds it out to jack who takes it

nervously you hold it to me give it to me

[Laughter]

what is it a what is it is it a sapphire what is it

what is it is it

what is it is it a sapphire a diamond a very rare diamond called the heart of

the ocean sag gazes up well beyond his comprehension comprehension

i want you to draw me like your french girl wearing this

where are we going

he looks under her surprise and then we cut too

interior bedroom dad is laying on his pencils like surgical tools

his sketchbook is open and ready he looks at us she comes into the room wearing a silk kimono

the last thing i need is another picture of me looking like a china doll

as a pink customer i expect to get what i want she hands him a dime and steps back

parting the kimono the blue stone lies on her creamy breasts her heart is pounding

as she slowly lowers the rope jack looks so striking it is almost comical the kimono drops to

the floor tell me when it looks right to you she poses on the divan

setting like a cut into the position we remember from the drawing almost uh just

bend your left leg and a little and lower your left your head eyes to me that's it

text starts to sketch he drops his pencil and she stifles her laugh

i believe you're blushing mr big artiste i can't imagine mongiamoni blushing

he does landscapes tied on jack ask his eyes cut up to look

at her over the top edge of the sketchback we want him to finish finish it

we have seen this image of him before in her memory it is an image she will carry in the

rest of her life push slowly in on frozen's face

wow i know i don't know you still don't know what movie it is how can you not know what movie is it

jack rose a a a draw me like one of your french girls never seen

what movie is it titanic what yeah so these people had to get along with you for two more months yes

i'm like jesus it's gonna be the worst two months but then i go but i'm in thailand i'm single

right so maybe two nights after that i went to the [ __ ] district just just a look two nights

yeah because it's by the hotel three blocks from four blocks from so you go down to the [ __ ] district what happens and i'm just kind of cruising hi baby

yeah yeah and go ahead come inside yeah if they touch me i'm an american you know i mean don't touch me

do you think you get a better deal because you they know you're asian if they say no i think they look at me

the way i'm dressed all that that i have no money really yeah they think that i'm the guy that like steals sake but do you think

they up charge for for for white man no but the white boy i think that they have these desires to

marry a white man and that they're gonna just like a pretty woman but in thailand you know

so they wait you walk around i walk around i'm looking but i know that they have dicks so i know but in my head i'm like can

you see there don't they tuck their dick you can't see they're wearing like little short panties some of them i swear to god if the circumstances are right

you would blow job you got a [ __ ] no i would get one you would but you wouldn't do sex

no because i i don't i don't like [ __ ] love hmm i never liked it but the way that

they groom it i think it's supposed to it doesn't i don't like [ __ ] love i also heard a story once

have you ever had anal sex one time with kalila no way yeah

she would let you [ __ ] her in the ass one time well i first stuck my finger in there a couple of times yeah i've done yeah i do

the finger and i go up and down side to side to get some room going i don't like it too tight you put you're

doing like a yeah like a crucifix like a crucifix like a crucifix and i did a pentagram yeah yeah i might have done a swastika

yeah yeah so then i stuck it in there it was so dry well yeah it was so dry

and it's a butt hole what do you think yeah it doesn't get it doesn't get wet it i don't i didn't even come

i think i washed my dick and [ __ ] her you washed then you went in yeah you should have watched after did

you wash after no i i stuck my penis in the dirt hole

then i go i'm not into it so i went and washed my digging and i did vaginal sex uh yeah okay yeah smart but then what

happened was um i didn't and i didn't know where to go for like

to get regular women like a brothel to get you were in the [ __ ] district

yeah but i didn't know where to go to get regular just a prostitute yeah so i didn't do it

i just but until one day i had four days off you know how like sometimes you're in a

different country big stretch it's a big stretch and you have near you're not so what i would do is i would go to lobby and just sit there and drink

coffee in the by the bar no in the hotel lobby and then you just wait for someone to approach you no i would just sit there

all day i didn't know i didn't know anybody really yeah it was really sad but then two

i could say it say it two movie executives from the the asian movie company yeah were there

they walk by me and they go hey i go i know you guys

and they go hey you wanna and i go i already i didn't know what that meant

you know but i just got up and i just followed them and they took me to this place called amsterdam it's not enough it's a place

called amsterdam got it and you go in there and it's a restaurant at first you sit there and there's a fat

madame you know i mean you know that there was always a fat lady that no one would ever [ __ ] but she runs the place

yep and she's very funny yeah and then there was like a all-female choose the pimp yeah rock group going

ready you know that's what i got ready rather

pee right the beetles yeah the pretzels yeah ladies and gentlemen right

and then um and then we ate fruit what yeah oh yeah oh yeah because you're

gonna yeah yeah i don't know they just brought this g the biggest fruit plate i never know why no i don't know why

do you know that fruit makes your [ __ ] taste better oh you've never heard that before i ate a

lot of it you've never you guys know that don't you sugar high sugar content makes your semen taste better wow

that's why they did that wow so i'm eating it and then um i go i just turned it i go what happens

and they go then we go to another room and in this other room is football bleachers i'm not kidding

you like we're going to see what's about to happen like a usc football game bleachers but instead of fans there's

women yes and they're just lined up they're all sitting there like i was going to do my one-man show

right and i sat there and i go how does this work do i just grab it i'm what the [ __ ] up and the fat madame's there yeah

and she goes no you uh look at the number see they have a pin and they have a number and then they

have letters on the number what yeah so and it you know like this is sex slavery

it would say 237 and it would say b 237

come on and it would say um sm which means supermodel and they were

higher right and then there was like they were more expensive yeah it would say yeah it would say zero v v

is what vietnamese it's like derp pennies

it was [ __ ] amazing same kind of brain same brain [ __ ] yeah and keep it in don't even edit

it out that's what you are that's what you are

like that cut that out or bleep it do you look like a fool

you know it's like so funny it's like when people do foolish things like that and they say that they go into a thing like what you're

doing you're frozen i know you're frozen right now because of shame no no i'm listening

no you're going like this no i'm listening to your [ __ ] oh [ __ ] how do i get out of this one that's not getting out of it

i'm faster than you i'm funnier than you i'm stronger than you i'm taller than you i'm better than you in literally every physical way and mental i get out of

this one you're a t you're a little tiny i don't really mate booger rat [ __ ]

and that's where you and you're that's where you're gonna go stupid names no you're

yeah but we're gonna cut that out so it doesn't even matter we're not we're leaving in our tart you said it to me you called it to me three times

just apologize for making a mistake no you didn't you made a mistake i'm not apologizing

for [ __ ] thinking something was something else i said no it's a rubik's cube movie yes and rubik's cubes are two different

things it's the point of the film it's not the [ __ ] the [ __ ] item it's that i oh yeah there was a kid who was the champion he

got taken over and i'm thinking oh it's a [ __ ] rubik's cube well how would you magnus it's not even called the title of the [ __ ] movie [ __ ] man

you made a mistake you look like a fool and that's all no it's only because you ran into it with your car no it could have gone oh yeah it was a

sad to watch you just now just please and like go through that [ __ ] thing you're

you're you're go ahead give me a name so i'm fat [ __ ] i'm weak yup yeah no i wouldn't

be able to survive in a forest fact yeah unless there was a [ __ ] bakery then there were but i'm alive

in a tree who made cookies am i not alive i hope your [ __ ] feet go now diabetic [ __ ] turkey when

you're listening ladies and gentlemen bad friends friends fans when your teeth fall out when you're smoking let's just

listen and your little rat muscles someone else little [ __ ] ass dick makes a mistake

right this is how we re what do you remember it's only when you go at it with me and so i want to let you guys know that we do need a

therapist because he has massive issues look at him he's trying to laugh it off but i

see it in his eyes when bobby goes after me yeah after i said oh yeah no yeah i said that the wrong then i have to attack you

back no you put me up against the wall yeah what do you want me to do

see see yeah you see what you did what see what you did you ruined my vibe

you [ __ ] up my vibe i love it and you've never listened to the scorpions once that's true yeah you [ __ ] poser you

fake [ __ ] cut that out no you hollywood party no no yeah you cut that yeah no you're cutting your partner [ __ ]

you you're cutting that part out [ __ ] you we're cutting that party no george george you're fired if you [ __ ] keep that in mind then [ __ ] you george get

fired you [ __ ] [ __ ] don't hire someone else cut it out andres you touch that [ __ ] streak if you don't cut off the scorpion

what are you gonna do what what are you gonna [ __ ] do what are you so angry about just [ __ ]

no don't do that all right don't go low breathe can you breathe you started it i didn't start it andres get on the

[ __ ] mic and say who started we're listening right now shut the [ __ ] up see you're going aggressive andre's who started it

say it see there we go don't be say it wow yes stop everything stops

oh wait wait what's up she said tito bobby because she knows what's up say to the mike she did

tito bobby i love you i started it yeah yeah yeah when he was wrong you

immediately humiliated humiliated him you could have just yeah but was he not wrong yeah but

it wasn't just let her finish go ahead it wasn't a big thing right

well he mean he mistake like a chance yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly thank

you thank you andreas i have some defense here no he's not defending you yeah what were you saying andreas but he

mistake a chessboard with a little cube right is that is that a big profile

it's a medium-sized medium size yeah and my response was medium-sized no it wasn't yeah how big was the response

jules you said the r you said the r word over and over we'll cut it out no we're not we're leaving it in because we need to

teach you a lesson so i'm gonna let you know all right don't point it or put your finger down put your little fat finger down

all right you you just betrayed that finger down you betrayed me just i know that

all right and you know what i'm glad i'm leaving tomorrow

and you're lucky that i'm leaving tomorrow jules i love you you're a good friend

hello bob this holiday season i want you to clean your hole okay cause it's usually dirt i have been cleaning it

with hella tissue what are you talking about i use tushy you use toshiba i use it here has not been cleaner i've seen it i've

had a swampy [ __ ] your whole life for my whole life 49 years lived there

and i'm not talking about poo i'm talking about like real creatures a hundred percent i've seen him coming yeah yeah and so um since and i also have saved on um

toilet paper yeah we don't buy it as much anymore i installed the um the tushy here in the studio and it was

easy to install now this holiday season make your whole feel better with tushy people don't know what a bidet is uh and

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changes that out the old-fashioned way right but days used to be thousands and thousands of dollars now these are good for everybody dude we

have one here at the studio that rudy refuses to use because she doesn't even use the bathroom here but me and bob use it

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off and free shipping hellotushy.com hello fresh hey hello fresh bob i can't

cook that well i'm not so smart i love and i don't want to leave the house let me say something okay you know

when i get hello and fresh delivered to my house right and it has fresh ingredients yeah and it's

also um there are menus and um instructions recipes that i can follow

they're easy to use it's america's number one meal kit for a reason i use that at the house me and the old lady

uh i'm not good at cooking and i don't know anything about anything it's delicious and all you have to do is

follow their instructions it's delicious it's it's uh it actually and it's healthy too

by the way not only is it healthy it's like you know during this pandemic you know it's good to have like home-cooked

meals yeah and it's easy to get all the ingredients in one spot i love that man i do love it um you guys

if you uh if you haven't tried it you absolutely should um it is great delicious meals and it's so

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90 use the code bad friends 90 to get 90 off including free shipping to your home to get a delicious meal to you

me and bobo highly recommend it if it's balut i'm i'm walking out is it baloo

yeah that's why you have to try it yeah that's right no way

let's try i'm gagging right i never had it i won't do it can we open it no you no i'll open it no will you look

honestly don't be a you know what dude you can't just you know what you're [ __ ] you're a white piece of [ __ ]

you're [ __ ] you look down on others this is my holiday you're looking this is my hollywood look down in other people's culture dude

yeah and stop being like that no this that's what this whole thing is about yeah so give me the balloon bring it

here yeah yeah don't eat don't be a [ __ ] dick dude i'm gonna throw up you're gonna eat it all right you're gonna watch me throw up

that's fine we can we'll watch oh i'm not gonna i'm not gonna but that's so [ __ ] rude it's my people dude

okay bring the balloon i'm not gonna eat it yeah nope oh my god all right so uh now

honestly where do you get the balloon put it there i'm not gonna don't get this at bonds where do you get this at where did

you get it

all right so people for for people that remember balut is a filipino we talked about it about it yeah give me

the napkin right so you just crack open the top okay all right so let me put this back on let

me crack open the top oh don't

oh my god it's so hard it won't crack it won't crack you can do it

crush it like this oh my god oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] cracked

okay that's fine okay

here yeah you have to drink the juice [Music] okay first i'll just tell you what it is

this is like um the movie aliens remember the movie aliens first of all

smell it smell it smell it bro bro give me the garbage can

i'm gonna throw up honestly honestly oh my god honestly honestly i'm gonna throw up

honestly and i had good ramen i had ramen that i liked

[Music] there's juice all over the place there's pollutants

i'm gonna throw up oh my god [Music]

[Laughter] [Music] no i gotta get out of here i have to get

out of here i'm gonna throw up honestly that's so [ __ ] gross all right so

[ __ ] all right so i'm gonna throw up what is this part i can't see oh god what is that part

what is the yellow though i have to know the body part i don't want to look at its [ __ ] [ __ ] it's a yolk part

all right how about this andrew this is my nightmare i know i'll eat a little bit of this you eat a little no yeah yeah i almost

threw up i don't care i'm gonna try i'm gonna throw up oh god

it's good

oh god it's so [ __ ] gross oh god get that

the [ __ ] out of here get it out no not try it no i'll get it out

let's open the whole thing now i don't think there's any duck there

i'm gonna throw up look dude look at this part oh my god

i'm gonna throw up oh my god oh my god oh there's no face

where's the face at oh my god where did you get this

this is advanced

oh my god yeah you should be ashamed this is what i get

for joking about thanksgiving earlier

drench this table george in in oh my god in bleach

yeah where's the sun you have sauce yeah you forgot all right my god is this the most disgusting thing

i've ever seen in my life i mean i'm not even kidding no get it away

get it away dude [Laughter] [Music]

george get this the [ __ ] away yeah oh my god

please are you going to eat this can you eat that no you're not going to eat that no

she'll eat that one don't eat that there's the new one don't eat it here here's the trash can

oh my god i'll be right back if you had a ranch are you being real no i need to wash my hands yeah yeah

because i [ __ ] coughed into my hands

rudy how much how much is a blue egg

one doll um no 25 cents 25 cents that's what a little bird's

life is worth 25 cents yeah rocks are more expensive by far

yeah we you know what's so funny we for people that didn't see the other episode we talked about ballout it's a baby duck that they eat in the philippines

and they just what do you got salt oh my god are you really going to eat it yeah yeah

i i i i has how do you know if it's not rotten i mean it smells rotten is it rotten i'll try i don't think so

oh you try first and then your stomach hurts then you stop what the [ __ ] the philippines is that kind of what kind of system is that

i just i can't and you and do you eat it in one whole bite everything though

god look i respect the culture no i do and you know what i want to say

i'm sorry to the native americans for what they did what yes why i'm getting reflective

yeah yeah because you're so sorry because what what western europeans did to the native americans is disgusting

and it's not funny and it's gross and this is giving me perspective

well i i don't know if there's a problem i can ask a question yeah so she likes this actor what's the actor

that she likes cool some hispanic actor that she likes michael pena

no no if tim i would kill myself uh uh fluffy iglesias yeah so anyway i go she was

hooking up and i go blow me i go blow me like that after the guy that you like right

and she did things that she's never done before to my dad because she pretended you were who some other actor right she said i got an

i want to know and she started licking my balls right and they just spit on it and she was like sucking on that like i was like and i go

stop i go stop doing it like that and i got mad i go

that's you do it better for the other guy yeah of course but that's okay but that should be okay in a healthier sense

relationship fantasy fantasy fantasy you don't do ever fancy you don't ever think she's somebody else i want those moves too you you just got

them you got exactly yeah but that's for me no well you're not you anymore yeah you're not you anymore you've been

together too long because if i'm emailing our girl should i do it like natalie portman i wanna go and do your man spin and do the whole

[ __ ] thing you know you'd sit and have a conversation with her she's natalie portman she's not an award-winning actress yeah yeah what do you what do you mean

do you ever visualize she's somebody else or when i'm in my mind maybe yes do you

do it you have to yeah you don't have a choice you have to what do you mean once you've had sex with your

significant other enough dude your mind has to make make up that there's something else yeah absolutely man we do role playing

oh you do what role play actually i i i have to okay i'll say it and then and then i'll i'll

see if it's okay to say it yeah yeah we'll see if it's okay hold on we do

camps we do camp stuff like you're camping no like we like wearing a summer camp

like she's a counselor and you're a student no [ __ ] dope what is her name does she

have a counselor name no i just call her counsel counselor collapse counselor kalila yeah and she's like yes little boy how old are you in

this fantasy are you jewish do you put on a yamaka jewish summer camp but i have asthma

like jewish jewish people do i have psoriasis oh yeah yeah so um no dairy go ahead so i um

yeah i'm a kid you're a little boy and you're what happened did you be bad were you bad by the lake look at look at her is it uncomfortable

no it's funny do you want her out she can get out of the room while you tell this nasty story it's not nasty well it's beautiful okay yeah so i'll go

like did you get in trouble by the lake what did you do huh what did you do bad boy she's like come here tammy she'll give me a name

tammy yeah yeah yeah what did i do wrong i'll do a voice yeah we're like yeah yeah and she's like you know you

know i told you you know to put away the the equipment and you didn't put over the equipment right you left the balls out no but i know i was playing with um

johnny and the boys or whatever and then she'll go like yeah but when i say something so let take your pants off

you need a spanking yeah okay i'll go okay right now slowly right

meanwhile like when she sees the underwear it's just already right your heart is around i

like it right yeah do you have one little boy's underwear for the course of course yeah i don't know i i only have a tiny weddings

so and uh it's one pair there's a brown streak and it's only wet in the tip it's a tip there's a tip there that's

wet yeah so um and then she'll go um lay on your back i'm gonna give you spanking right and i'll go

i'll lay on my back but how can you spank me if i'm at my back right right

she goes you're clever timmy right and she goes

what are you gonna do i'm scared no i always say that you're scared i

scared right yeah and then she okay you know what i mean

let me kiss it like a lollipop i'm already coming sure juices are just like you know i

mean it's like bubbling yeah you know what i mean like little [ __ ] [ __ ] bubbles that's hot right right that is hot you

know i mean but then it turns into well i'm timmy and she's on top of me

right she'll go she'll switch it up which is i don't like uh she's like a

mark now no but no something like that she'll go like you know

do you like it mark or frank so i have to be to play a different character oh she wants you to switch me right

so like she's now [ __ ] everyone at the camp oh [ __ ] yeah you know i mean like she's

like a cereal she's like run a train on me but now it's now it turns into like very aggressive right right where like

i've already now i'm mark and i've already heard the rumors right right you know what she's been saying i

knew all the things and i don't want to because maybe i'm gay or whatever right so it turns into me trying to get

maybe yeah what not maybe yeah no we are he may have something good he may have nothing

you never know with him he's a fancy bee

fancy b our special guest is andreas the fancy bee rossende we're excited

he's going to be uh giving us his stand-up comedy stylings and if he's good enough he's going to open for me and bobo when we go back on the road you

ready ready okay yeah let's let's hear it sweetheart okay wait a second

i'm ready yeah wait a second he has to wear his dice jacket what's up is that a rack of dvds back

there or is that books those are oh [ __ ]

[ __ ] let's keep coming back for more huh i guess you

really need some talent on this show who produces this [ __ ] by the way has everyone seen george

you know i'm missing here how bad do you have to suck at your job that you

get replaced by high school girl and the show gets better [Laughter]

and what laughing too far wow but they it was so loud that the

neighbors called animal control because they thought you guys have a hyena in the room george's reminds me did i keep him home

alone if he grew up to have dancing he wants to be a comedian oh yeah he

really wants to stand that your comedic inspiration is done in kruger

because you suck but you don't know how much you use sometimes for me michael with inspiration freddy

krueger because i kill every time even in your dreams anyway so let's let's talk to someone

else who else is here oh yeah let's go to our favorite mute of bad friends

rose hey rose what a journey you had

you left me your headache for this [ __ ] i don't love rose or jules or rudy you had more

nicknames than words you have said in the show he laughs at himself

it looks like you auditioning for the quiet place every time there is still you got more lion scene

than bobby in the wrong kisses oh he takes out the mic he slap it and

he loves it wow what are you you're saying something jules you have to speak into the mind

you know who they might girl like andrew avoid speaking on the center of the disaster artist

smell like george's bread which smells like balls because he sucks so much of it

jules i wanted to understand your struggles so i saw 90 days beyonce

yeah rose's dad lives on a pig farm so how do you manage to find the only

place in america that is worse than living with a pig living with bobby lee to enjoy his

american dream cleaning billiards houses that sounds more like the mexican dream to me

[Laughter] i also came here looking for the

american dream but mine doesn't include a knife and witch hunt you have some psycho dreams

girl living with bobby is like living with a puppy except you completely train a puppy

you came here as a teenager and now you have to raise one wow anyway that's all i got for you guys

yeah hey let's heckle you now we get to heckle you chirping yeah yeah look at that

what's up pablo espresso bar [Laughter]

i like that jean jacket whose is that tell me that's your girlfriend's this yeah no this is george's

that's even better all right see you andres great job we love you really much bye

buddy what a guy i brought a ouija board no no

i can't do it please no i'm not doing a ouija let's contact your dad please please

it is real i know and we're going to respect it

[Music]

you just have to say goodbye and it closes the door you start on ouija here's the rules put

your headphones on put your mic back here's the rules you start on ouija

oh that's not good blown out a candle to begin is a bad omen oh boy is that not good now you're now

that's actually scary to me i know but that's what it's supposed to do it's a crickle crackle candle

put on your headphones and get your microphone near your mouth okay the proper way to do this

is for you put a hand you put a hand and i put a hand okay all right here we go bob hold on listen

listen to me we're gonna con contact your pops okay what's his name again robert robert e

lee bob lee we have to say goodbye at the end otherwise his spirit will still

remain okay all right now put your two hands on two hands okay now calmly and slowly the bravest

amongst us asks the first question so go ahead

dad are you in heaven

i'm not touched i am not moved look yeah you are no i'm not you have to be no i'm not i promise

what is it what is it t yeah

what does that say i can't read i can't see it tg

i know what it is what's tg he's at tgi fridays [Laughter]

he loved he loved tgi fridays are you being serious yeah he loved tgi friday that's his favorite [ __ ]

restaurant well let's ask him another question obviously he's having fun this

[Applause]

um i want to ask him a question about you

do you miss bobby do you miss bobby lightly lightly put your finger no don't

we don't lean your weight on it should be like this you're pulling i'm not i swear to god

i'm not look lightly

you're pulling no i'm not i'm not you're so strong i'm not i did not pull it because i tried to pull it wouldn't pull my way

i'm not pulling it come here you have to go strong i am not pulling it you have strong fingers do you miss

bobby bobbly

i'm not you have to be pulling i'm not

oh you gotta be kidding me i'm not you're pulling and pushing again no i'm not

what's that it says you the letter u does he miss you

no so what was the question does he miss you okay let's get the other letters all right

what is that m um oh i know what it is what's um so ask me

if i'm the dad ask me mr lee do you miss do you miss bobby

[Music] [Laughter] so he doesn't okay no he's thinking

about it um oh he doesn't know you don't know are you at the university of

montana is vermont is there a university of montana of course there is never uw home of the buff bluffs yeah

the buffalo so maybe that has something to do with it because my dad lived in montana for a

bit what you am bobby uh mr lee tell us

what's the one thing

what's the one thing that you would ask bobby now about what's going on what do you want to know about bobby

what do you yeah what do you want to know about me dad yeah wait

oh my god what is that g

you have to recenter it go back to ouija and recenter put your fingers on lightly

why are you pulling i'm not oh my god

a ga

y gay

[Laughter]

you are pulling it with your [ __ ] say goodbye say goodbye say goodbye goodbye dad bye dad hi he's how many days now

15 days 15 days of no pornography wow wow wait how about how bad was your

problem steve it wasn't that it was

bad bad it was that i didn't like i didn't like what pornography was doing to my mind sure

sure because i realized i mean because you know we're messed up i mean i'm not blaming him

he definitely i know we have nothing to do i know i know but you you you don't quote me in your [ __ ] but i

just remember it was a progressive thing as far as i remember younger this is before the internet like him

having like a dvd he had a whole like collection of them

and i would take one or two and then how many three you

he could have filled up like an amoeba record like a whole store

yeah you know those one of those booklets you know those booklets where you put

cds well you know those boys those big black thick booklets like that he had hundreds

of those just collections like the beatles collections collections collections yeah just collab

collectors just failed failed sorry but the rest hey but but steve steve let me ask you though what was the

so what what was the reason that you quit what was this moment well i realized that it affected just

my like my relationship sex life yeah or just it just kind of like it not only desensitized me like as far

as because i noticed too like when i was like like i would be on pornhub or x videos

my searches would be a little bit more further like going kind of outside the

box you know like what give us an example well it started with just like pov doggy or

you know something like that or you know cream pie or you know just like you're

i don't know if that's standard that is that's right but then it started going into like

crack head cream pie

so [Laughter]

[Music]

so it started with that and then then it started progressing to grandma

yeah like grandmother's stuff grandma cream pie grandma i was like looking at

granny he goes i was looking at grandmothers because bob i go yeah he goes do you ever masturbate

to grandmother it's a grandma like who doesn't no he goes oh okay he's hung up so

just just the type of why do you like grandmas well i'll tell you how it makes you feel

afterwards when you're laying there and you had

just ejaculated watching a grandmother getting creampied you don't feel so good

about yourself no no i wouldn't you think you would yeah i mean that walk of shame to the

bathroom to clean up is a lot more worse than yeah yeah i would especially if it's just playing in the

background yeah the bad friends drinking game

here's how you play every time bobby lee says the thing is is that the thing is

is that because the thing is that the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is that the thing is is that your thing is

that have a drink it must be legal drinking age to play but whatever dude we're not the [ __ ]

cops okay wow that's really nice of you but i'm

doing this for you because i really want you to care though really or yeah see this is what's annoying is it foreign

why do you here's my question for you why is it why do you have to assume ill intent

with everything that either one of us are doing when it comes to our friendship towards you automatically yeah it's just

automatically there's some kind of a i have no agenda i have genuine love for you or i i'm

gonna tell you why let me let me explain something real fast yes it's on the show because i think

it's entertaining to put on the show but i knew the only way you would take me serious is if i put it on the show

if i said i'm gonna get you hypnotherapist off air you'd be like i don't want to do a [ __ ] you shut up leave me alone i'm just gonna give you an example true true

i'm just going to give you an example this time cats encapsulates okay my relationships with you hollywood

types oh my god oh my god of the people you're the most i'm a man of the people

grind it out with the [ __ ] the common folk you complain constantly about not being around common folk

you say stuff you know you said to me on the when we had dinner at the house what about the steak thing and i said oh man i should go get six and you go ew

no have someone bring us steaks that's what you said yeah postmates was he complaining

because he's always telling me i'm complaining yeah but all this [ __ ] does is complain yeah i'm gonna tell you but the

narrative is out there all these [ __ ] idiot ass fans like oh you're complaining again griffin because

anything he says so i got to have fat lando for the rest of my [ __ ] life you know all this [ __ ] that these people

say to me and that's one of these narratives right this [ __ ] complains all the time we you we commiserate with each other

but then you put it out there like i'm the only i was gonna tell you a story of that encapsulates please

my [ __ ] relationship with you hollywood types okay i'm gonna say that again go ahead we're not hollywood all right

so um i have a friend named steve byrne we know him well okay so um he calls me

one day and he says is this an asian beef it's not an asian beef okay i'm just not doing because he happens to be half korean i love

i love asian beef by the way yeah english mongolian yeah go ahead he calls me one day he goes

doing a movie i'm doing a movie he says right and i go okay cool i want you in it

thank you a week later when i'm supposed to shoot right i see

jimmy o yang going i'm in steve burns movie and he's good he's a good actor and he's

very funny listen i picked steve i would get that's really good

it's either him or dad fan you know what i mean either or either or all right all right

anyway you see jimmy oh yang you see he's shooting the movie right so i call steve and i go yeah i

thought you called me for the movie because yeah you know i just i'm going to use jimmy yeah you know but

did was my feelings hurt no because that's what i expect out of you types this is not steve burns has nothing to

do with us with andrew andrew andrew this would this kind of be like if i

said hey let's do a podcast together yeah and then you go i

decided to go with andrew no because see you no

listen you're a hollywood [ __ ] hey you you a hollywood [ __ ] i already

totally different tell me let me tell you something i already told you you two hollywood types i said right

stop i said like to you i said you know how he is like yeah right he's

a boy he's aggressive he's a boy he's a bully shut up shut up and he's cornering me

into a [ __ ] like you know it's like um and you know i'm nice you're nice and you took advantage of that

and didn't tell me like you wanted steve burn to tell you no that's not true all right i'm just

saying that i already called you would you have wanted a respectful call from steve burn being like bobby i've actually decided to go in a

different direction would you have liked that call would that have made you feel good right and that's why i called you you didn't

this is the same call no yeah i called you and i said talk man-to-man right friend of friend right oh yeah and

i said wow you know what was i on that call [Laughter] i called you so he threw me under the

bus he goes he's a bully he blamed everything on me by the way this wasn't even my idea whose idea was

it uh yours my idea kalila was the first one that said you guys really should the fans in the last belly said you

should you should you should so then it was you should you should you should and then we finally just i said do you want to do one i'll do one are we

gonna do one or no and then you said well you know griff had asked me before but it never worked out cause then we

did belly and then you said to me no we can't do a show and i said okay and then i said do you want to do one or

not after the third time we did the show and well you guys should just do one together so don't put it on me no you you're

you're twisting my [ __ ] mind right now you're a mind twister oh that's true to tell you

he's a mind twister right now dude right i am upset to leave everyone here in la and um it's not true

i do you're so excited to go to hawaii i'm so excited but i'm very excited as well and i'm so

grateful for my life i really am i love everything i look around my life i walk out i walk outside

i wake up yeah and i walk outside my house i like see little jewels sleeping in a room and the dogs you know me

running around and i look at my at my beautiful girlfriend you're about to say wife

soon to be wife and are you really gonna get married i'm gonna marry her yeah when soon well the fans want to know i just

don't know how to do it the engagement yeah would you have a ring i'll get one well that's probably the first step you

gotta get etsy or something get it not on etsy ebay etsy ebay etsy is cheaper

i don't know i'll go to ebay what do you think you would do for a proposal probably put in a cupcake but then she

won't eat the whole thing right she's not yeah she doesn't know and then i'll do you got to eat more of it you know you know what

you should do what have one of the dogs eat it and then and be like oh my god he's we have to take him to the vet and they

go to the vet and then they cut the dog open right and there's a ring inside yeah and the dog is hemorrhaging

hemorrhaging and while it's bleeding out i look out and they find the ring i go

will you marry me perfect oh wow that's a good one perfect yeah you just got to hope the dog doesn't die

yeah but if it does you're already at the vet or stick the ring down inside the ain't my anal

connect canal candle kind of canal right and i'll say finger me right will she

and then she fingers me with this i go no with this finger use your ring finger ring finger right right and then boom

and then as she pulls it out yeah it's on will you marry me that's perfect pretty good what else is

another one oh rudy or any of these good do you think or a good way for a girl to get proposed to i like the dog going the one where

of course you do so creepy i know because everything that i do right you don't like no no she likes she likes she likes how how sadistic it is

yours is dirty and this one was cree death she likes that she wants sadistic and death yeah like

rudy's the kind of person all right well then i stick the ring right if you walk into a green room

yeah there are some comics and they can't help themselves they'll go

when i walk in they do that see when you walk in when i walk in and then you and then i've been conditioned to laugh

at it but it hurts it does it burns really yeah it burns cause you but you have to go that's a

good one i mean like you've seen it 30 million times in your life of course yeah

people are really doing that oh yeah yeah when you walk in the room yeah well tell tell tom about you

learning about microaggressions all right so yesterday i i went to um i was just googling things this is

before i found out that trump had coveted and then i went to my high school you know i'm obsessed with my high

school so i went to poway high school i googled that on youtube and then they go wait you're obsessed with your high school yeah

it's so pathetic because he wants to be in the high school hall of fame they don't respect me he he wants to be in the alumni the

notable alumni they don't like me how are you not in the notable alumni but i'm not i'm not by them oh right

yeah because this is a big high school it's pretty big yeah they um they don't find me to be a credible you

know entity when it comes to like fame yeah right they think that that's kind of hard to believe man well

they have people that like if you look it up we've done this before on the show where you go you google you know they're

you know notable um yeah alums alums and it's like you know ving trang who you know plays the violin

for the orchestra how many seasons were you on mad tv eight come on man like that alone i put

that down they don't care but it was on the air for eight [ __ ] years 17 well the the show was on

air for 14 years the one that you were on though yeah but i was on the show the last eight years of mad tv wow

yeah so i met you on the street i met you on the street when you were doing that and i remember that no you don't what a great day oh

you don't remember it's i have a vivid memory of meeting him on the street this is he says this all the [ __ ] time go

ahead tell him there's a [ __ ] you're with some tall blonde really tall was she cute yeah she was like six one

and then i was super i was like excited to meet you yeah and uh we started um we started

riffing uh like a bit right there on the street yeah and you hopped on my back that's right

yeah i don't remember that you don't remember that yeah i do i hopped on your back and i go um

i whipped you and i go gallop on no that's not the best daddy nope no no no no it was about a fire

rescue thing i was rescuing you from a burning building tom let me just say something when i see

people with your body type yeah i always jump on the back just body type meaning you know i can do

dead lifts no no no body top meaning that you're not you know better like some people we know

right and you're but you have a thickness to you yeah i'm a thick boy yeah yeah and and it's that's not a bad

thing and you can you believe he's saying this bobby you're basically like you're just a squooshed figure of a

taller fat guy bob that's you're just if somebody accordion to taller fat guy

jules liked that one yeah and hey andrew it's true what you talk like you're not

like you call him thick you have such a rotund belly you have a pot belly i'm fat

yeah yeah i i i'm not denying that yeah but you say you jump on his back

because i'm smaller yeah so a smaller fat guy is going to jump on a fatter fat guy's body right right it's not the reverse

i'll get crushed by him let's go every [ __ ] time oh no oh my god oh no

no no you're such a [ __ ] brat what do you want i want her to ask me

how i'm feeling and how often do you genuinely ask him how he is you make you make me sound like i'm i'm the bad guy

get closer to the mic don't back away yeah you have to get close to the mic so we can hear you yeah no get closer to the bike um get closer to

the mic uh stay close get closer to the bike get closer uh get closer to the bike don't go away talking to the mic just

keep your mouth right where the mic is closer to the [ __ ] bike get closer to the mic talking to them i

get closer to the mic talking to the mic your mouth

um [Music]

happy halloween get closer to the bike these mics actually get close to you i

think we should just like we can take over do you think the show

would be successful if we would do it maybe maybe look we even have

some of the homeless plus clothes from tito bobby

yeah right yeah

hey welcome to bad friends hi right and i can just like yell at you

because that's super easy like you're late you're late today why are you late

right you just have to do nothing this is the easiest job in the world yeah they don't even know how much we do

can i still have my knife yeah i think you should have your knife okay

that's it there you are if they um interrupt us then then we use

that yeah that'll be nice be so nice i think this will be so much nicer

you talking now you're starting yeah why don't you start the podcast let them start the podcast all right

is it on everything on yeah okay go ahead welcome to bad friends hi we decided to take over

bobby and andrew yeah because this is such an easy job we just get to talk

and shout at each other right right and be mean be mean

we could be good good friends instead of bad friends yeah right we're way nicer

so what do you do today juliana did you sleep until like four no i slept until um

five and i woke up because the constructors were coming to our house because

um yesterday tita bobby fled the house well we were on the beach no i didn't

[ __ ] shut up shut up

yeah right so what else happened and then the floor is broken and then we have to

move to another house in a week how did he do that i don't know he couldn't hear it so

but i don't believe him was he playing video games he was doing yoga

he was exercising yeah oh wow you guys are doing a good job with him

what about you

bobby can you get closer to the mic i am close closer

this is it it's right in the middle no closer i'm close now this isn't the way he does he can't get

any closer than this that's what you do to read a scene from

hunter hunter her favorite show and we'll let the fans decide if this is quality material or not

um um what am i going to play which one am i andre i'm kahlua i'm kalula

kalgo yes yeah which one you're in well go ahead and tell us how to say the name you're the one that you're the

expert um and icalgo

i don't this is a this is my wig that they got for me do you want to wear this no you can wear

it it's not going to fit on your head well because i need to look asian you guys do look asian

i'm the only one in here that doesn't look asian so i need to look like an asian

okay do i look asian

that didn't work i don't look asian no you look better i look gooder yeah yeah yeah yeah i look more good okay i'm uh kahlua and and who's rudy

nothing rudy's not in this no i'm just gonna read oh you're gonna read the name oh you're gonna be the narrator yeah yeah cause we can't hear fancy b

he's too tough to make out okay here we go this is hunt a scene from hunter hunter rudy's favorite show look at her smile

look at her see we try to make her happy too okay ready yeah go ahead rude previously

on hunter hunter these suction cups save me

anyway aren't you an octopus

[Laughter] hunter hunter

go ahead strange bees and monsters vast riches hidden treasures evil hunts uncharted frontiers the

mysterious unknown the people who are captivated by the magic in those worlds are called hunters

a mob of assassins attacks kilauea after he and gone split up to stop this election one of them is

icargo an octopus khmer ant aren't you an octopus

he flies away see ya i need to find a new horse i can't

charge up my neck shot i'll let the ortho siblings take care

for me here but out of nowhere killer jumps on him grabs his gun

and attacks and attacked himself to a rock using the khmer arms yo we meet again

can i ask you something sure go ahead why didn't you dive underwater to escape

you should have an advantage in the water don't tell me you can't swim

it's the blood right when they smell blood your bodies in the water go berserk and ask the injured no matter who it is

with those wounds if you went in there you'd be turned to shreds am i wrong

i suppose that one way too andreas you're the dragonfly or dragonfly hey cargo did you finish

off the kid no he changed his voice in christ try to change your voice or anything

cut do it again lead him into it with your oh well oh well i suppose that's one way to

eat calgo did you finish off the key same voice you didn't even even like didn't make like a small

attempt to change the voice it's shift or anything we're gonna do it one more time bro it's

not even hard it's not hard at all oh well i suppose that one way too

oh i can't go did you finish off the kid you're

fired no wait let's give george a shot george go ahead try it try to be the dragon well i

suppose that one way too oh he can't go did you finish off the kid

pretty good you're you're hired no we were still fighting who are you

talking to are you screwed up wait wait oh do we change roser yep yep let me do

it again okay okay no we're still fighting

who you're talking to i screw up right you can you all can communicate via

telepathy talking to your boss it's that guy who was flying over me right wait now look here

oh so hey calgo

he's spanish hispanic it's so funny he sounds more hispanic than andres does

you could see that what i might be doing yes we're still fighting a dragonfly creature flies in the forest

i think jewels you're the creature but you should do a different accent okay ready a dragonfly creature enters the forest

oh sorry to interrupt you let me know if you learn anything if he sees a dozen of dragonfly flying

around inside a crave the enemy would go suspicious i won't be able to sell my satellite

dragonfly inside very good jewel back in the cave let's make a deal then if you tell me

about his power i'll spare your life you have 10 seconds to answer kilo throw the khmer arms in the water

the sea creatures go crazy devouring it eight seconds left icargo is puzzled six seconds ikalgo's

mind wanders dreaming

do similar if so you're mistaken octopi are ugly squids are squidorific i think they look

divine two seconds i won't betray your body icargo cut his arm off and falls in slow

motion yes i could see that in your eyes i can only hope that in my next life

i'll be bored or squeeze with quick moves kilowatt catches ical gurus

rescuing from a certain death why because you're a cool guy in

different circumstances we could have been friends wow i kind of want to watch the show now are

we are we close um your voices are very different because kilauea is a

11 year old oh oh what's what's kalgo ikalgo is an octopus he has like a

squeaky voice why did he keep why does he keep saying don't call me an octopus when he is one because he doesn't want to be an octopus

because he want to be a squid because all of his friends bully him oh this is deep oh we didn't i wish

that's the context that you should have well if you read scripts you'd know context lesson is learned here

that's pretty impressive though i i gotta be honest with you at first i thought that was gonna be like uh phooey and i really did like it like at

first i was like this is stupid but it's really good huh yeah could we try three crazy andrew

over here he's crazy you're nuts yeah i'm a goof yeah could we try and actually get in it

for at least 10 minutes at some point in this podcast i think we should do an improv game what do you think so you say a sentence

of a story just andrew just andrew has never said no once if a camera is without him

you know just an old-fashioned second city improv game you know i mean where we i know if i i'll make it up i don't even know if this is a game but you you

say you tell me one sentence of a story right one sentence i'll do the second sentence

and we'll just keep going jules you have to oh that is the game

say one word and then you try and keep the cadence of an actual story yeah yeah you want to try that a phrase or a word

let's do the phrase one word i mean let's do a word okay just a word yeah so jules you're playing number one

and number two this is how it works no this is how you

works

we'll be right back yeah but that's exactly how it is you you everyone says

you know what i mean you're supposed to say it but it's fine all right jules do you not

want to try it jules i'm i'm ready to go all right once there was a pumpkin gourd in connecticut

and it went what did she say went yeah this isn't gonna work get closer to

the night speaking yeah you have to get closer to the mic also you guys we can't you can't like take time it has to be

no one could take time i didn't yeah she's gotta speak up she's gonna speak up no right

and louder put them in your body i'm sorry i i i vowed never to say that again

[ __ ] mic to the mouth okay all right all right don't get angry all right ready okay so once

there was a woman named chlorine and she swam very well

but one time there was this huge pumpkin

you know the last one we did no no it's just fine it's the first improv game the last one we did we brought up the

pumpkin and and i'm just saying there's just so many you know nouns that you could you

could appear right anything anything right anything are they ever on the earth you know i mean whatever and

you chose pumpkin all right so let's start over right and not use we're starting complete so this time

don't use previous words so that you can you know okay why don't we bobby i have a question

yeah how about the three of us try to explain this to her real quick by using the game okay oh yeah why don't we do that yeah

okay first you have to talk directly in to the microphone then you must explain to

the audience that we are not that smart

i really like this podcast so um one last one just yeah let's do it doesn't get

giggles but i want i want rudy to start it so yeah you have to start at rudy okay one

time i ate uh pumpkin

[Laughter] it's like i've known you hold on is that

music oh are you cleaning a knife yeah what is that for um i just bought

it bought it what what i just brought it at home

you brought that knife yeah here i asked that to kalila if like i can

play with it and like maybe decorate it here and she said yeah wait wait

whose knife is that i've never seen that knife before in my life no i bought it at home and then i

brought it here you bought it in the mail yeah and you brought it here yeah on amazon holy you brought that

and and what is that knife for um i thought that i could play with it but

then um i thought also that i could like

decorate my table oh you want to decorate your table with the [ __ ] that's her stage hang on hunting knife that's your

station you're allowed to do whatever you want to your station yeah this is really weird because i did not see

dude i heard a sing sing and i'm thinking it's music no no i'm serious sing sing and i'm

thinking oh something someone's got music on in their headphones no but she's cleaning the knife yeah it's kind of rusty

did you know this was you brought this you saw her bring this in um i swear to god on my mother's life that i did not see

her bring that into the car no it did you remember when we um

got out i grabbed my hand at the back is there a sleeve that goes in is there

like a leather pouch yeah yeah i think you cleaned it enough stick it back in the pouch

can i see it yeah yeah holy [ __ ] this has the dried blood of

soldiers on it look at that that's the dried blood of men yeah where did you buy this rude amazon yeah but like from from just like

a guy um yeah was it is it handmade i don't i don't know but it was like 25 do you

want to cut something that's all it was is 25 yeah that's fine let me see do you want to cut should i cut this as hard as i can

no why can i hold on to it god i don't trust you with it so much give me the [ __ ] knife

say please please [ __ ] no jag off you're giving you a [ __ ]

weapon i'm giving you a weapon really i don't have amazon i can't get a knife then get a knife and bring one

yourself i will i'm gonna bring other things as well okay

give me the knife put your hand out real fast let me do the knife game you know the knife game all right do it see what happens okay go ahead put it

more in the middle i can't really all right ready oh man this is so [ __ ] yeah

let me hear you can i do yours no because you'll stab me on purpose no you're gonna do it as a [ __ ] i'm not gonna why would i stab you as a bit i'm gonna

do it because you would do it and then you'd go oh my god i was just kidding no yes you were what you have no trust with me uh-huh

yeah put your [ __ ] hand down or i'm leaving that's not fair if you stab my [ __ ] hand yeah if you

i'm dead serious yeah i'm gonna [ __ ] beat the [ __ ] out of you i i do you don't think that that's gonna be a

yeah be a man slow you [ __ ] oh no don't go faster

oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] rudy it's security why are you so scary

you have that i thought i don't know get close to the mic

this is important you thought what i thought that i could decorate i know but yeah but you get candles and

you know and and photographs that's what people use in america yeah but then everyone's like saying

that i'm rudy with a knife you are rudy with him because you have one dream but that doesn't make you who you are

because you had a dream but it was also nice she does like me she does like knives oh my god

she's a spooky girl oh that's right yesterday was mother's day so we put together a little video some of the fans sent in mother's day pictures we really

appreciate it um we want to say thank you for that

yeah go ahead yeah you [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] don't talk [ __ ] about my mom the hovel is what i like to call her yeah so this is a lot of the fans sent

in um pictures of their mom and we put together a little something for mother's day let's enjoy it uh is it our pitch

pictures or our moms or it's our fans moms our fans oh that's great yeah see let's see don't make fun of them by the way

yes this is no way mother's day mamas oh yeah beautiful women of course oh there we

are listen to the song you know it go ahead girl

[Music] i wanna take your mama out for date night

[Music] make her feel all right give a conversation

till the daylight cause she is so damn tight i pick your mama

up in a ford flex that i borrowed from my last ex leave your purse mama

cause i got checks tonight gonna be about mental sex

we hit up tgi fridays take the scenic route forget the

highways there's no such thing as my way it's about you

mama you my baby when dinner's done take your ass straight home

walk you to the front door so you're not alone kiss your hand and say thanks for the

love you've shown get back in my car and then i'm gone show you respect

like the queen you must be you never stutter always speaking directly

you ever need me mama you just text me until then you stay so damn sexy

happy mother's day mamas happy mother's day mama wow you would have been better as if we'd done that video but you lipsticked it

that will lip sync because at first when we were playing the video i thought andrew's singing this live wow what a

talent i don't remember the lyrics i wrote them up try it let's just try it well real quick

by the way by the way i do want to say this seriously some of the fans sent in a lot of fans sent in pictures of mom beautiful mothers and some of the fans

mothers passed away and uh and it's a lot some of these photos are moms that are not with us anymore which i i just want

to say we appreciate you know bob knows about a loss of a parent so it's cool that people included

their moms that were gone it was a big deal i thought that was very nice though that was very nice that's why the

song is not disrespectful it's very respectful okay obviously if i'm running i know

my frailties i'm not like trump where i'm like i know everything right like trust me

yeah i know my frailties you'd go back i know i'll be [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah right so i'm gonna need somebody

right that you know i mean could really imagine imagine how big your teleprompter would need to be you can't

read the tv that's three feet away no i would never read the prompter i would so what would you do with speakers

oh you'd improvise every speech every speech all right here we go a national address right now you're you're the president united states oh

god not this yes we're gonna do it you're gonna look right into your camera right there no no this one right here write that one straight ahead which one right here i

want you to make a national address to the country to tell them that we're i'm not going to be funny about it though i want to be real yeah of course that's what they

need out of you you're the president a lot of times when i do these improvs i i lean toward funny

don't be funny i want to be real this is real all right okay so i want you do not laugh i'm not gonna because that's not funny

tell her she's the one that does it all right i want you to address the nation and tell them that we're what's going on though tell me this scenario can i tell you yeah we're under

attack right now we've had a terrorist attack okay okay all right where in in new york city in the subway line

okay but can i tell you what was going on down there what a bunch of terrorists decided to start raping uh okay

that's all you need to know raping and killing people in the subway you're my secretary of defense in the subway this is what this is

what's going to go on backstage by the way you're my secretary of defense sure okay sir budget i got it okay so you need to address the country i got it

in three terrorists [Music]

to the people jamie i your president have a national address for you okay

as we know our constitution creates a foundation for in which we must react to global

epidemics and also national ones and something horrific occurred

in new york city um i also want to add that um i

as presidents to the people right based on all the amendments especially

the second one and all of them they're all important by the way the amendments were created right as

you know a tool set in which we can look down the line we have

we have 50 plus amendments there are a lot [Laughter]

there are a lot all right tell them what they're uh we will we'll get to that because i know that i

have to fill 30 minutes right but they want to know what happened

tell them what happened sir sir i'm sorry people are dying

this is no laughing matter i apologize this is no laughing matter

right yesterday last night last night last night at two in the morning

so technically today so technically they technically didn't

right although some would assume that it happened yesterday because it happened in the wee hours

[Laughter] yesterday at two in the morning in the

subways of our great city of new york which is a part of the united states of

america

i'm sorry i don't know why sorry what happened sir a gig of terrorists isis aka al-qaeda

aka you know from turkey assange okay hassan his wife okay hassan

and his wife right they dispatched their cronies aka the isis right to come into our great

city of new york which happens to be in the united states of america right to terrorize us right with their

ideology that's based on scriptures that don't go against the bible they do

go against the bible they have a different ideology although be it we have freedom of religion in this country yes

so you may worship any god that as you as you want so i am not judging

one's religion or sect or not domination dominatrix dominatrix right

but yesterday at 2 32 p.m a.m right of today right in the subways of

our great city you know they attacked a bunch of um

elderly elderly people in the subways now what this elderly group of people were going to a volleyball game

they were going to in a volleyball tournament right in brooklyn right they were going from queens to brooklyn

right they were this early volleyball team right they're called the hazmatics

and they were fighting you know yeah i mean the crutchers crutches the crutches in the the final

senior citizen tournament volleyball tournament championship championships in brooklyn and they were waiting for the subway

right and as you know at 2 30 two in the morning the subways they don't they're not as active as

often right and they come in waves the subways so in the window between you know i mean

stop and go between the two junctions right to the people right

hiri right no i'm not done oh [ __ ] i'm not done okay

a gang of al-qaeda assange terrorists right they came in with their

masks we had no idea what was going we have we also have the best police force in the subways of new york right and

they patrol them you know me at every hour in every station in every point and we are salutes to them so we salute

them all the seniors were raped they were raped they were bent over the benches down

there in the subways in a line right yeah and these al-qaeda isis people right they bent each one of them over

they loop their dicks because as as you know american citizens and senior citizens they have dry

orifices they're getting old right they were raped then murdered then left to rot

this morning at eight in the morning is when they were found oh god yes so hiri hirihiri god bless

america we will get these perpetrators and so long honestly yeah

pretty good i mean as your secretary of defense pretty good i'm impressed

[Music]

yes