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The Elf On Our Shelf | Ep 147 | Bad Friends

December 19, 2022 / 01:12:48

Video

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two one Happy New Year

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thanks for coming out

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[Music]

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no

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[Music]

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[Music]

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hey bad friends did you like seeing me

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kiss that sweet little Asian girl on New

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Year's Eve well if you want to celebrate

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New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve

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with me either of those dates I'm doing

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four shows two nights at the Wilbur

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Theater in Boston go to

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andrewsantino.com for those tickets

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andrewsantino.com Boston show up show

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out New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve

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Eve also uh not officially a part of the

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bad Friends tour but Bobby and I are

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going to be in Vancouver for Just for

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Laughs on February 16th uh then we're

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going to be in Spokane for bad friends

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on the 17th and Seattle Washington for

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bad friends on the 18th those links are

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going to be in the description down

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below to buy those tickets to come see

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the bad friends beginning of the

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official tour that starts a month later

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two are bad friends who are these two

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idiots white dude

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you two are disgusting oh YouTube or

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something we're bad friends

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[Laughter]

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you know and we also have dreidel

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dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay

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is it better for you when you're dry and

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ready I just found out I'm gay

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there is ladies and gentlemen boys and

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boys and girls have you been good this

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year I don't know but you get one anyway

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well Asian Santa

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we've brought someone from your Workshop

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every year you know I get all the time

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sometimes when they don't do I kill them

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oh you kill the elves that do a bad job

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oh and icy lake

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yeah you know how you fish you dig a

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hole I do ice fish yeah I put the

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elephant in there oh you put one of your

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helpers inside

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yeah he's been with me for 89 years one

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of the good ones he is so fast very good

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in my mind I thought he Asian oh you

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thought he was Asian oh you're not why

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why would you think he's Asian because

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he works so hard not because of his

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height no no no oh yeah that too because

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he's similarly yeah yeah

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anyway my favorite Earth in the workshop

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is a Brad William Brad William

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um oh he's scared of Santa you know guys

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yeah right there okay yeah yeah uh so so

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here's I guess Asians

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can I speak okay Asian Santa's favorite

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my favorite Helper and how do you feel

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about Asian Santa do you get along with

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him oh his dick is so big

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so big thank you thank you and he's such

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a such a vigorous lover and and and and

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and and such a generous leader

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he's being facetious by the way do you

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know what that means Asian Santa I don't

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know

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I know Confucius Confucius say physician

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is it Confucius yeah

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that one he's facetiousness means he's

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he's he's when he talks about your big

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penis on the he's kidding and what do I

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feed you at night Christmas Eve oh the

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best the

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yeah but not Rudolph because you know

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he's the lead you know I can't see

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without him yeah he got the Red Nose how

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do you see in the night so well

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as you're dashing through the smell

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because of my eyes well what you know

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let me tell you something you know

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there's more than one Santa I only do

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Asia oh you're just for Asia yeah you

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know that right no I can't go to

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Cleveland

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imagine me coming down Korea

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yeah yeah yeah but in you know Shanghai

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what do they leave you oh they leave me

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dumplings

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I love the almond cookie

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so you have you ever been to the United

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States and delivered gifts no never

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never one time you know the real Santa

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the real

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yeah you know yeah because the African

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Center and I oh you get along oh the

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Africa yeah so you commiserate with

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other minors

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tell me he only has to do three houses

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you know why why

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they're all bad kids really

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that's African Santa right there yeah

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so he only has to do three now do you

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visit the Philippines

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you know I'm on the mainland correct

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Asia right yeah and at five in the

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morning you know my last house is

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probably you know Vietnam somewhere else

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you know loud Saigon or something you

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know right and I'm tired you know they

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don't get much anyway you know so yeah

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yeah and then it's like I go do I go to

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home

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oh I go to East Paul East Paul yeah we

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live in Eastport

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yeah

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right or do I go all the way to a little

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island where they don't give a [ __ ]

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nobody you know okay I don't go have you

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ever gotten Christmas presents Rudy

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Jules from Asian Santa yeah no no yeah

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you don't no you were bad yeah yeah yeah

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I remember you yeah yeah yeah

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we're not giving it to her

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I can be your helper I can clean

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I mean okay is it too much yeah

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uh welcome Brad Williams to the podcast

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happy holidays thank you I think I think

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it's now an authentic holiday episode

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yeah with you yeah with you yeah it just

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looks right now have you ever met Rudy

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Jewels have you guys met before no no

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not not in person but uh let me ask you

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I I've only slid into her DMS a couple

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of times oh my God

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Brad Rudy Jules are there dwarves from

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your land yeah where name me one I don't

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know them but I've seen them where like

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when I ride um like jeepney and they're

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just like they're just like like a Jeep

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like where like you commute oh it's like

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a safari

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so

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what in the jeepney okay so when I ride

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that like outside all right that's a

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hippies bus from Berkeley yeah yeah

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that's not it but wait a minute you ride

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around in this looking for a little no

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no no no no no no do you have a net when

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you when you find them like you know how

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when you throw you have to hit a fish in

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water you have to aim below it do you

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have to how low do you have to aim to

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hit little people that you're trying to

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kill on the street I mean this is insane

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you do this they have one of those

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scoopers like those carts have at the

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golf driving range yeah yeah yeah yeah

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so you're just collecting Little People

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yeah yeah that's nuts it's a Filipino

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trip I'm into it that's why I've never

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been there do they drive the thing no

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like sometimes I like I usually

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um drive that and then um sometimes I

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just see them like in the streets like

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sitting and then just walking around how

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do you know they're not kids

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yeah how do you know

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I don't know you check the pubic hair

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yeah how do you know is it kids or maybe

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you're seeing like a thicker kid because

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like Filipinos general not that tall

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right exactly so you and you have a half

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asian wife I do well no your wife is

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Asian you have a half asian baby yes so

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your wife is she she's half she's half

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Chinese so we have a quarter a quarter

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Chinese but your wife's half Chinese and

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half what uh we don't know oh wow the

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mystery yeah that's like Bobby we don't

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know yeah so your baby is what now uh

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home I know

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she's a quarter Chinese quarter Chinese

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and then and then 50 white probably

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white probably more than that no 25 of

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the dwarf part he's native oh it is I'm

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from America we don't have our own land

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that's right he's native I mean we have

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our own Park in China but that's a whole

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other story what's that ah thank you

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gave bread now there we go that's cool

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that's cool now I could you know you

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feel better that way or no yeah it puts

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my back in the line because those there

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those seats are so the fact that we got

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these seats for them is so mean for our

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guests yeah because they're they're not

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good for anybody that's true but are

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they fun to look at they're fun to look

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at you better believe it because I had

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to say something you're probably so far

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hard to follow

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on stand up oh so I thought you were

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like in the streets yeah that's easy

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small steps

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behind things it's very hard to follow

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are you well you're hard you know what

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you're hard to find not to follow yes I

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got you once I got you yeah yeah I kind

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of stand out but before that sneaky oh

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they're sneaky people so wait a minute

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you're saying I'm feeling I'm being

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canceled no not at sneaky people but

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excuse sneakers why are you being why

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are you being canceled well I don't want

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to like you know anyway joke about one

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of our friends it's all right it takes a

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long time for a dwarf to write a letter

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you're fine

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he's a great comic thank you Bob and you

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have a residency in Vegas is that what

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it is I had one yeah what happened to it

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uh uh my contract ran up give me the

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show up the show what's it called again

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it's called mad Apple I was in Mad Apple

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uh the Cirque du Soleil show in Las

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Vegas

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yeah it was a blast I went on after the

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guys that juggle each other with their

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feet wow look at that thing yeah and you

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did that how many shows a week uh 10 10

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shows 10 a week yeah oh my gosh two

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shows a night Monday Wednesday Monday

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Tuesday Wednesday Friday Thursday Friday

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we had we had Wednesday Thursday off

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that was our weekends wow yeah it was it

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was a blast I did it for like I said

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like four months and it was wonderful I

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I like being in a circle I work 10

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minutes each show amazing it was great

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you didn't want to do another run or no

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uh

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the answer to every question is always

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money yeah how much yeah that's what he

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responds how much yeah yeah yeah and

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they didn't pay you enough uh they did

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it first and then we started seeing my

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stock kind of rise and things like that

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so we're like all right now if you want

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to do it again you gotta you gotta pay

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me more and they're like no there he is

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is that that's you that's you presenting

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yeah oh that that was me at the launch

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that fo that there's me on stage yeah

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wow so yeah but it was a blast there's

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an amazing company to work for I got

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free physical therapy so you great you

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went there and did what do you do when

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you open up the show you do like 15

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minutes up top 10 minutes you do 10

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minutes of standout So Physical Therapy

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how long before I mean it's not probably

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not that long he's probably like beep

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and then it's done they go they press on

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the spine with the finger and then I got

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your bread

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I'm Healed I'm Healed I'm good sciatica

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done free physical therapies yeah I'm

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only like an inch taller than them I

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don't know why I'm making these jokes

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that's why you're making the joke yeah

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you're like ah ego boost Brad's here

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yeah fine I can finally get these jokes

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out you think you can beat me up oh yeah

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big time yeah you always say that my

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money is on bread like with I mean

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without but in what shadow of a doubt

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what in any fighting or watch yeah like

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I wrestled in high school so okay me too

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so did he oh he did yeah okay that'd be

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fun okay but like but like how old are

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you now Bobby 51 51 yeah what are you 38

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but that's like 51 in dwarf oh yeah yeah

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it is yeah so yeah we're about to say

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we're about to say yeah I think it's a

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good tale to say it's a good yeah it'll

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be fun he's got the reach Advantage

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boxing he could probably beat me I don't

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know Taekwondo definitely that's a leg

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martial art exactly yeah but when it

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comes to grappling like UFC Rules maybe

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if you can get a hold of yeah yeah yeah

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yeah okay because he gets he's got the

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holds down yeah I do I'm pretty good

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though how do you think he [ __ ] made

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a baby with his wife that's all holes

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that was all holes and she's tall right

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how old she's six four

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yeah to me five eight right yeah and how

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tall are you uh four foot four

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so yeah wow everyone when they see us

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together is like [ __ ] that dude must be

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rich yeah like they you know they know I

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know it's just your dick can I say

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something to you yeah it's all dick

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doesn't even infuriate you because when

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I used to date I used to date taller

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women and people always make remarks

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yeah doesn't it make you angry somehow I

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don't think they make remarks to him the

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way they do to you yeah what do you mean

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well because I have like a whole I have

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like I have a condition you're just

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small no no he has a condition would

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that hurt but that hurt but I'll let

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that slide right for him yeah it's it's

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like recognized by the government and

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our and our society with you it's just

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unfortunate right but can I ask you this

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which sucks because there's nothing we

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can do about it it's not it's not like

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we're doing something to be our height

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yeah but you use yours to your advantage

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to build character Bobby's doesn't

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really there's no plus oh there's

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nothing that's good

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he doesn't have an organization he can

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join like I can go to meetings right

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yeah yeah can I go to your meetings how

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tall are you

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five five five three five five three

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five three five four in the good day

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that's what we said no Too Tall what's

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the height then limit five lie five five

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is a lie five Google it five five four

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four ten four ten is the limit are you

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being real yeah that's the legal limit

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yeah if you're 410 or below you are

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legally considered what if a dwarf had

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um giganticism

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[Laughter]

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he would be five four there gotta be

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they're they're now there are now Adam

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Raynor was a dwarf and a giant at the

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exact same exactly yeah yeah Bobby was

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right I was right what which one oh my

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God he's eight what no that's not that's

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him standing on someone's shoulders go

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back to all and let's see yeah go back

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to the actual post click on the post

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itself Adam Raynor the insane story of

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man who was born a dwarf and died a

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giant wow wow so obviously what happened

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was he was born a dwarf and then the

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pituitary gland a right overflowed isn't

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that what happens right when you become

00:15:58

a giant giant yeah it's a it's a giant

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uh giantism yeah it's likely a cyst on

00:16:03

your pituitary which means you grow it's

00:16:05

it's throwing all of this Andre the

00:16:07

Giant had it the rest of the Big Show

00:16:08

right but it's great in a circus because

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you can reinvent yourself right you're a

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dwarf in the circle and they're like oh

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we've seen it and all of a sudden the

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next day it's like oh this is a new

00:16:18

thing oh look at the tits on her yeah

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God bless Adam Raynor yeah oh look at

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that look at that over the next decade

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he grew from just under 410 have to be

00:16:30

yeah to a shocking 7-1 during this

00:16:32

period Renner also began developing a

00:16:35

severe spinal contusion contusion what

00:16:37

is that curvature curvature yeah I mean

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it's natural you go from 4 10 to 7 1 in

00:16:42

a year right that's three feet I imagine

00:16:44

that didn't feel too good

00:16:46

good God man oh God's crazy but imagine

00:16:50

mad scientist when he was a dwarf yes he

00:16:53

had a big pipe and he thought look at me

00:16:55

yeah 10 at 7-1 not so big anymore see

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it's all about it's all about

00:16:59

perspective that's right people ask me

00:17:00

all the time they're like oh Brad

00:17:01

dwarves they got big dicks go no but on

00:17:03

but on me it looks [ __ ] huge yeah 100

00:17:05

yeah I've seen Brad lean forward with no

00:17:08

hands like a kickstand yeah I've seen

00:17:10

him do it I can't fall over it's nuts

00:17:12

it's nuts we both wobble but they don't

00:17:14

fall down can I make another observation

00:17:16

man I I feel like I'm not an uppity

00:17:18

Asian like there's there's Comics right

00:17:21

that are like losing up at the Asian I

00:17:22

don't want to name it name names well

00:17:25

you know he's a talented guy and I like

00:17:26

him right but Ronnie Chang you think

00:17:29

he's an up in the Asian I to me in my my

00:17:31

circle of I mean you mean he's very

00:17:34

judgy of people like no no I just think

00:17:36

he's elevated uh you know what I mean

00:17:38

like you can't like go up to him and do

00:17:40

an accent or whatever right right right

00:17:41

but I feel like Peter Dinklage is umpity

00:17:44

right you're you're like more like me

00:17:46

like we could take jokes and stuff is

00:17:48

what I'm saying this is interesting you

00:17:49

think dinky would be a dinky

00:17:52

why so horrible I was trying to give him

00:17:55

a nickname

00:17:57

you think little dinkler you think

00:18:00

Dinklage would be an uppity uh dwarf

00:18:03

like if Brad made a joke because here's

00:18:04

the deal yeah Brad one one of our our

00:18:06

long long long long long buddies he's

00:18:09

able to make great jokes about himself

00:18:10

take the piss of himself as we say to

00:18:12

kind of like lighten the load of the

00:18:14

world right yeah and obviously wants to

00:18:16

be treated with respect but give me

00:18:18

another Apple box yes but the guy's got

00:18:20

a great sense of humor about it but do

00:18:22

you think right that's a valid question

00:18:24

do you think Dinklage imagine okay look

00:18:26

yeah you're on a set of a movie yeah you

00:18:27

go up to Peter yeah and you're like hey

00:18:29

man great to me he's like hey and you

00:18:31

throw out a classic Brad joke yeah yeah

00:18:33

you know you've got him [ __ ] in the

00:18:35

chamber I know you do and he looks at

00:18:37

you and is like I don't really [ __ ] with

00:18:39

that [ __ ] do you think that would be him

00:18:40

or do you think he'd laugh along and

00:18:41

make a joke with you I think he I think

00:18:42

that might be him because he's the guy

00:18:44

that when he hosted Saturday Night Live

00:18:45

he told the writers no dwarf jokes in

00:18:48

the entire show so none of the sketches

00:18:50

have anything to do with him being a

00:18:51

little person it's never wow and you if

00:18:54

you went you got to Hostess oh fire away

00:18:56

yeah oh people with the cast members

00:18:58

would have a cannon they would lean on

00:18:59

them

00:19:04

yeah yeah I would play the part of Pete

00:19:06

Davidson's dick

00:19:07

[Laughter]

00:19:09

now see but that's I look I I think I

00:19:12

understand his prerogative but like sure

00:19:14

I get the perspective of shooting on

00:19:16

ourselves it's way more fun it's way

00:19:18

more fun in that in kind of like what

00:19:21

you said it it takes the bullets out of

00:19:23

the other person's gun because oh now

00:19:25

now you can't make fun of me for this

00:19:27

because I'm already doing it right so I

00:19:30

like doing it but obviously I'm I'm not

00:19:32

one to tell Peter that he's doing it

00:19:33

wrong he's amazingly successful and

00:19:35

talented yeah he knows what he's doing

00:19:36

that's one of the reasons yeah and yeah

00:19:38

he's not on bad friends and also and yet

00:19:41

he did that Gary Oldman movie oh yes you

00:19:45

mean the most offensive movie ever yeah

00:19:46

yeah he did the most tiptoes

00:19:49

in the most offensive movie ever made

00:19:52

you would have done that movie oh where

00:19:54

did everyone where did the trailer

00:19:55

tipped of get where Gary Oldman did

00:19:58

short leg Yeah Yeah we've shown it on

00:20:01

this show yeah because we know how much

00:20:02

you love tiptoes in fact one of the

00:20:04

searches the top searches tiptoes movie

00:20:06

clip from our show yeah

00:20:17

yeah just

00:20:19

Andrew Santino rips tip says Gary Oldman

00:20:23

can act his way out of a paperback guy

00:20:25

can act did you see the movie I did I I

00:20:28

I watched it and reviewed it for they

00:20:31

have to it's a problem yeah hey never

00:20:34

find yourself in this scenario that it

00:20:36

that is why we watched 100 teaching a

00:20:39

lesson it's the worst [ __ ] movie ever

00:20:40

it but like there's so much [ __ ] I could

00:20:43

break down about that movie that's just

00:20:45

like like the way some people watch The

00:20:47

Godfather I watch tiptoes for the exact

00:20:50

opposite reasons wow to just break it

00:20:52

down it's a case study yeah what is the

00:20:54

most offensive thing about the movie oh

00:20:56

well I mean aside from the Gary Oldman

00:20:58

yeah uh Gary Oldman being on his knees

00:21:01

and his arms uh like in his shoulders

00:21:03

pinned back so his arm so his arms are

00:21:06

smaller that's pretty [ __ ] wrong yeah

00:21:08

yeah uh but then what was the other one

00:21:11

um they they went to a they they went to

00:21:13

an all dwarf party oh right during that

00:21:17

one all right that's where Peter England

00:21:19

was right yeah yeah and uh in the world

00:21:21

of Peter dinklage's accent was very

00:21:23

offensive because he was like saying it

00:21:26

was like like he he said something that

00:21:28

and then his accent wasn't consistent

00:21:30

the entire that's a pretty good dwarf

00:21:31

dance

00:21:33

that's McConaughey he's not a daughter

00:21:35

oh I'm sorry my path oh that's makani

00:21:37

and there's multiple Oscar winners in

00:21:40

this movie in the world in the world of

00:21:42

let's not prop tiptoes up anymore yeah

00:21:45

in the world of wokeness but it's

00:21:47

available on Amazon Prime let's see the

00:21:50

worst movie ever it's available

00:21:52

and equality yeah do you think there

00:21:56

should be an all dwarf movie

00:21:59

I mean or show or TV show show yeah I

00:22:03

I'm actually I'm pitching one of those

00:22:05

right now and no and no tallies

00:22:08

I mean they're gonna be the victims

00:22:10

there it is ah yeah victims of what like

00:22:13

murder yeah it's all dwarf murder show

00:22:16

it's a dwarf murder yeah we're we're you

00:22:20

know Murder podcasts are real big so

00:22:22

we're trying to do like all right there

00:22:24

needs to be a dwarf dwarf serial killer

00:22:26

has there has there ever been one I mean

00:22:28

maybe not killer but definitely like

00:22:31

uh ACL Terror or something like that

00:22:36

I don't know I put one guy also known as

00:22:39

epicito orejudo the big-eared [ __ ] was

00:22:43

an Argentinian serial killer who

00:22:45

terrorized

00:22:47

say it again say it say it how you're

00:22:49

supposed to say it

00:22:52

the big-aired [ __ ] was an Argentinian

00:22:55

serial killer who say that again there's

00:22:57

no I'm reading Wikipedia there's no way

00:22:59

to say that without laughing now I know

00:23:00

that's his name now I know how I will

00:23:03

identify bad friends fans in the

00:23:05

audiences of my stand-ups

00:23:11

so this guy was a serial killer in

00:23:14

Argentina when he was 16 years old wow

00:23:16

go to his Wikipedia let's find out how

00:23:18

he died I want I want to see how he

00:23:21

would like I wish he would have been a

00:23:22

boxer and that's how it would have been

00:23:23

announced or like you know like a UFC

00:23:26

fighter

00:23:31

that's great where and how and he died

00:23:33

from what who killed him someone finally

00:23:36

got him back a curb it was too high yeah

00:23:38

somebody bumped into him all right so go

00:23:40

on that go zoom in to go zoom into his

00:23:42

photo and the thing below it it says how

00:23:43

many merch four murdered is that what it

00:23:45

says for murder that's a lot for him hey

00:23:47

that's a lot first this is my favorite

00:23:48

yeah four murdered two two assaulted

00:23:51

five attempted couldn't get the job done

00:23:54

this show is sponsored by better help

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00:26:18

you know what that that actually makes

00:26:20

me proud that there are you're

00:26:22

represented yeah why don't you do a

00:26:24

biopic about this guy Brad I got to no I

00:26:27

don't know he's not Hispanic yeah he is

00:26:30

yeah he is I mean guys from Denver oh

00:26:33

yeah yeah yeah I'm from Orange County

00:26:37

but [ __ ] it well you're a Denver fan

00:26:39

yeah I'm a Denver fan that's what I

00:26:41

associate you sucks this year but I

00:26:42

forgot that you're from Orange County I

00:26:43

forget anybody's from oh I'm the whitest

00:26:45

of the white Orange County that that is

00:26:47

so white it is really it's unfortunate

00:26:50

yeah do you know where Orange County is

00:26:51

oh you've never been down there no you

00:26:54

would love it down there yeah why it's

00:26:55

all white

00:26:57

yeah it's what you love all Whitey

00:27:00

Whitey's no it's I don't know it's all

00:27:02

white it's wider than a lot of Asian my

00:27:05

high school in Orange County was 58

00:27:07

Asian what kind uh mostly Korean I'm in

00:27:10

good or bad oh okay

00:27:12

mostly Korean down there yeah but that's

00:27:15

funny because you're San Diego but there

00:27:17

I understand military kids uh down by

00:27:20

you mostly is what you got you grew up

00:27:22

with military kids right no you didn't

00:27:25

have a lot of military a lot of white

00:27:26

people but not military God bless that

00:27:29

was more like um Mira Mesa maybe right

00:27:32

right oh that's more that's North the

00:27:33

Poway now but um there was a lot of

00:27:35

whites a lot of whites yeah a lot of

00:27:37

whites and God bless you know what I

00:27:39

mean I love the whites great people all

00:27:41

right slow down

00:27:43

you don't so don't no you guys invented

00:27:45

electricity

00:27:47

you want to get into inventions

00:27:50

getting inventions what did Koreans

00:27:51

invent

00:27:53

[ __ ] that's a good one just put in there

00:27:56

I know I know Kim jong-un's haircut all

00:27:58

right so Koreans invented Internet cafe

00:28:00

okay great one be honest milk cartons

00:28:05

dude how how would we carry our milk

00:28:07

listen to this list you guys cheering

00:28:10

balloon sticks

00:28:12

you're like changing the game yeah yeah

00:28:15

what about the third MP what'd it say

00:28:18

MP3 MP3s okay oh that thing we never use

00:28:22

anymore but we did yeah for like an hour

00:28:24

yeah I don't know I I didn't hang your

00:28:27

head on cheering balloon sticks yeah

00:28:28

yeah last one was let's say milk cartons

00:28:31

milk and egg cartons God Bless yeah yeah

00:28:36

you've invented the wrap around TV so

00:28:39

you know watch your [ __ ] tone no I

00:28:41

just

00:28:43

suggesting man I know you're being

00:28:44

facetious Confucius say you're being

00:28:46

facetious are there any dwarf inventions

00:28:48

besides oh [ __ ] besides to Google that

00:28:50

besides like devices we have to use to

00:28:52

wipe our ass I was gonna say I bet you

00:28:54

guys by way of uh struggling through

00:28:56

things have to have invented some dope

00:28:57

[ __ ] I mean I've got a claw that like

00:29:00

closes my uh trunk of my car oh you do

00:29:03

really wait it's not hot no I I it's a

00:29:06

2014 and they didn't really have it so

00:29:08

you know what's crazy on the trunk of my

00:29:10

car yeah they have this thing for

00:29:11

they've been a lot of companies have

00:29:13

this now where let's say you have

00:29:14

groceries in your hand you can wave your

00:29:16

foot under the back bumper and it'll

00:29:18

close just by waving you for those

00:29:19

assets wow imagine you just oh I would

00:29:21

walk right under yeah yeah well I know

00:29:24

what you guys invented probably stilts

00:29:26

[Laughter]

00:29:29

lips shoe lips

00:29:31

gotta ride those roller coasters by the

00:29:34

way look at this guy yeah this is Carlos

00:29:35

our favorite he writes has a dwarf

00:29:38

invented anything

00:29:39

So Gone to send it yeah yeah

00:29:43

well German folklore uh oh

00:29:48

a dwarf has invented something uh I I I

00:29:51

do know one dwarf inventor not

00:29:53

necessarily an inventor but he all right

00:29:55

the map of the human body like how like

00:29:58

modern medicine like where the organs

00:30:01

are and everything like that was a dwarf

00:30:03

I think it was an Italian dwarf uh [ __ ]

00:30:06

I don't know his name but yeah look at

00:30:08

the Mia down here I've got the map of

00:30:10

the body

00:30:12

was it Mario yeah

00:30:27

dude how was that guy Italian and

00:30:30

Japanese at the exact same time yeah

00:30:31

they are how was Mario an Italian and

00:30:33

Japanese dwarf he was the first mixed

00:30:35

race couple that okay like it's so

00:30:37

Japanese he's amazing here we go do they

00:30:40

have Mario like in the Philippines yeah

00:30:42

we do what do they what game is it it's

00:30:44

the racing what was the original game

00:30:47

Mario was in this is great it's not

00:30:50

Leonardo who made the first diagram of

00:30:51

the human body Leonardo da Vinci he

00:30:53

wasn't down yeah how tall was Leonardo

00:30:56

yeah let's find this out because you

00:30:58

might you lie no no no no no

00:31:23

I forget what he did or what he

00:31:25

discovered or maybe it was like he did

00:31:27

it for the dwarf body

00:31:31

in Philadelphia There's a there's a

00:31:34

museum there called the mudder Museum of

00:31:37

medical Oddities and I went there

00:31:40

because we go to these cities multiple

00:31:41

times you get to see all the stuff and

00:31:42

you're like all right I gotta see

00:31:43

something different and I and I went to

00:31:45

that Museum and there's there's a full

00:31:48

like dwarf skeleton right as you walked

00:31:50

in it was weird it's just a skeleton of

00:31:53

a dwarf yeah and it was my type of

00:31:55

dwarfism so like everyone else was there

00:31:57

like probably thought I was checking on

00:31:58

my grandfather or something

00:32:02

that would have been what's your type I

00:32:05

have bro I know yeah bro bro yeah that

00:32:10

yeah that's it Honey I shrunk Brad Brad

00:32:13

what is the type of dwarfism you have I

00:32:15

have a chondroplasia it's the most

00:32:18

common yes

00:32:22

would that skeleton even scare you

00:32:25

it's so cute I literally want one fancy

00:32:28

loves it it's like

00:32:30

bro if that thing came from the grave

00:32:32

yeah right we wouldn't be scared

00:32:36

oh my God that's the cutest thing I've

00:32:38

ever seen oh I'm gonna discover

00:32:41

wow whatever dwarf uh organization is

00:32:45

gonna get us for this oh I know right

00:32:48

LPA LPA little people of America yeah

00:32:51

yeah they're getting us wait there there

00:32:52

is one yeah yeah they're called Little

00:32:55

People of America yes and they have

00:32:57

power

00:32:58

[Laughter]

00:33:14

you've heard of Reaching Across the

00:33:16

aisle yeah it's that technically used to

00:33:18

be called Reaching Across the aisle over

00:33:20

the dwarfs which is what it was that's

00:33:22

how rude it was they have no lobbying

00:33:23

power what's up yeah LPS little people

00:33:25

of America yeah wow make no mistake Brad

00:33:28

is someone we love and respect we love

00:33:29

just having fun LPA his wife is

00:33:31

beautiful he's a great stand-up I don't

00:33:33

view him as anything

00:33:35

oh that sounds terrible I don't view him

00:33:39

as anything I don't exist

00:33:42

that out I don't know leave that in

00:33:44

that's what I'm saying you have to leave

00:33:46

it in yeah you're like not even a human

00:33:50

to me

00:33:51

come on I will say this though being

00:33:54

buddies with Brad and going out to

00:33:55

dinner with Brad in the real world

00:33:57

you've never eaten together have you no

00:33:59

no I think we have we must have one time

00:34:01

at the Colusa Casino that's right yeah

00:34:05

we had a dinner and that's when I saw

00:34:07

your penis so basically Bradley and

00:34:10

yours is bigger yeah that's right yeah

00:34:12

yeah this is sad for me I mean Brad and

00:34:14

I went out well we've gone multiple

00:34:15

times and and steak and I will say this

00:34:17

about [ __ ] brat

00:34:19

LP aside this [ __ ] yep can

00:34:24

[ __ ] eat it's insane and he'll go

00:34:27

he'll do a singer he's like no no no I

00:34:29

had less I'm smaller than you guys nah

00:34:31

that guy had more than I had wants to

00:34:33

pay half that's what he says I pay less

00:34:35

I eat lessons it makes sense guy gets a

00:34:37

Tomahawk Steak yeah finishes the whole

00:34:39

thing I'm not kidding like 32 ounces wow

00:34:41

yeah yeah doesn't even [ __ ] think

00:34:42

twice Yeah well yeah I get a baseball

00:34:45

filet this guy's [ __ ] he's got the

00:34:47

whole cow in front of him it's a

00:34:49

Napoleon complex I feel like I have to

00:34:51

prove myself every time you do you think

00:34:52

every time we go out for steak you

00:34:53

finish like I ask you about Napoleon

00:34:55

sure I don't know anything about it I

00:34:58

know but because I've heard that before

00:35:00

pretend you do yeah yeah they say

00:35:02

Napoleon complex so you assume that

00:35:05

Napoleon was small he was always he was

00:35:08

like five six yeah that's average height

00:35:10

for the eight for that for that era yeah

00:35:12

right so what's why did they say

00:35:13

Napoleon complex there's a there's a

00:35:16

story behind it like it was like that's

00:35:19

how his enemies made fun of them and

00:35:20

then that's the like that's the rumor

00:35:23

that just spread but he you you're right

00:35:25

he wasn't actually that small well they

00:35:27

call him small man syndrome apparently

00:35:28

he was a tinier man so he might have

00:35:30

been five six but he wasn't like thick

00:35:33

at all skinny so a skinny five six is

00:35:36

small that's quite small that's true

00:35:37

yeah yeah you know like Carlos

00:35:40

I'll tell you Carlos five six five but

00:35:43

Carlos is like uh cancer skinny right

00:35:47

like sick skinny right yeah like

00:35:49

something yeah yeah like it's something

00:35:50

happened something happened yeah I

00:35:52

didn't even know that stage four

00:35:53

something you don't know how skinny you

00:35:54

are you're the skinniest person I've

00:35:55

ever met in my [ __ ] life are you

00:35:56

serious how much do you weigh

00:35:58

like 1 30.

00:36:00

that's the same weight that's me in

00:36:03

sixth grade that's right yeah it spreads

00:36:04

130 pounds I'm four four and I'm the

00:36:06

same way you weigh the same as a 4-4 man

00:36:09

yeah so obviously so yeah obviously this

00:36:12

is a wake-up call well wake up start

00:36:14

beefing up buddy okay no you are you've

00:36:17

always been thin since I've known you

00:36:18

you've never been you've never even been

00:36:19

like pudgy yeah I think I like I would

00:36:22

fluctuate a little bit but no but not

00:36:25

like now are you one of those guys that

00:36:26

and you could eat like anything and then

00:36:28

the next day like it you never gain

00:36:30

weight no I'm actually just super strict

00:36:32

about what I eat he's got a eating

00:36:34

disorder okay oh like he doesn't just

00:36:36

say it does he I probably have a small

00:36:38

one honestly yeah like you like very

00:36:40

constant like you feel like when you eat

00:36:41

something unhealthy when you eat

00:36:43

something unhealthy you're like bad

00:36:44

Carlos yeah yeah I feel like [ __ ] that's

00:36:46

not good Bobby do you do that what what

00:36:49

do you need something unhealthy are you

00:36:50

like bad Bobby no yeah no would you just

00:36:53

have to eat for now when we just had

00:36:54

dinner we had eggs bacon and oh yeah

00:36:58

crepes

00:36:59

Nutella and you had little sausage bits

00:37:01

I love little sausages and toast yeah

00:37:03

yeah and bread and you had some of Max's

00:37:05

pasta yeah it was good Brad let me ask

00:37:08

something yeah number one I have two

00:37:11

questions okay number one um six inches

00:37:16

I'm a Believer okay you said you're four

00:37:18

four no yeah no oh yeah yeah go on okay

00:37:23

um during when you were growing up like

00:37:24

in middle school high school and when

00:37:27

this time of year came about right were

00:37:29

you bullied at all in in any way or no

00:37:31

teased it wasn't this time of year it

00:37:34

was any time all year yeah you were yeah

00:37:36

all year like what would be something

00:37:38

that really scarred you oh geez uh uh

00:37:42

well like what but see here's the thing

00:37:45

is I was always and it's kind of why I'm

00:37:47

a halfway decent comedian is that I

00:37:49

would literally write jokes at home and

00:37:53

like I would write comebacks so like

00:37:55

when kids would make fun of me I would

00:37:57

like I would literally like do research

00:37:59

on them and like write jokes about him

00:38:01

and then when they made fun of me like I

00:38:03

would make fun of them and then I would

00:38:04

have the better joke you were made to

00:38:05

roast yeah yeah yeah yeah so like

00:38:07

there's I mean it's it's a story one of

00:38:10

my specials but it's true there was when

00:38:11

I went to kindergarten my dad had kind

00:38:13

of told me that this was going to happen

00:38:14

so like we wrote jokes together and this

00:38:18

kid like ran up to be in kindergarten

00:38:19

when like haha you're little and I just

00:38:21

said haha your mom doesn't live with

00:38:22

your dad anymore oh I love it because

00:38:25

you can go there yeah and then yeah go

00:38:28

for the jugular I love it I grew up in

00:38:30

Orange County so I had about a 75 chance

00:38:31

of giving that right so yeah I did and

00:38:35

then the kid cried and I got sent to the

00:38:36

principal's office because I had the

00:38:37

better joke wow yeah that's what's funny

00:38:39

you get sent to the principal office

00:38:40

when you have the better Joe yeah it's

00:38:42

not it's not who shot first no it's who

00:38:44

she was like oh who shot the kill yeah

00:38:46

and I shot the kill and then yeah and

00:38:48

then the principal actually called my

00:38:50

dad at work and then my dad answered and

00:38:53

then he said like well did my son start

00:38:55

it or did he finish it and then the Pres

00:38:58

then the principal goes well he finished

00:38:59

it and my dad goes well I got no problem

00:39:01

with that click oh it was good dad you

00:39:03

know what I love about it is that you

00:39:05

use your your defense mechanisms and

00:39:08

survival techniques and you turned it

00:39:10

into a career yeah that's [ __ ]

00:39:12

amazing it's kind of cool yeah it's cool

00:39:14

man yeah yeah kind of like been training

00:39:15

to be a comedian since day one yeah

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displayed oh my God displayed is a

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one-of-a-kind metal poster designed to

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tell you they sent us a bunch of these

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and these are so cool they're nice and

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00:40:28

remember as a kid you would have posters

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yeah and they would always rip apart and

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look at in the back you just put these

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and look at how nice this is It's never

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gonna get bent or crusted up but the

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sent us a bunch of these Bobby medley

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00:41:46

what is Williams are you Irish uh it's

00:41:50

like I'm a hodgepodge of a bunch of

00:41:52

different things like Dutch Welch by the

00:41:54

way hodgepodge is a great new name for

00:41:55

little people yeah that Gaggle

00:41:58

hodgepodge is over there the cackle

00:42:00

what is a group what is a group of

00:42:03

dwarves called oh minions right

00:42:06

insane we'll never not bring it back but

00:42:09

I can't do better than that joke that's

00:42:11

pretty good what's a group of five

00:42:12

what's a group of redhead it's called oh

00:42:14

you're called a knot of dwarves a knot a

00:42:16

knot okay I know that doesn't I don't

00:42:18

like that oh you time together if they

00:42:20

get out of control

00:42:20

[Laughter]

00:42:24

and then what do you call a group of

00:42:26

redheads

00:42:27

escapes it's a slip knot

00:42:29

okay what's a group of redheads Brad

00:42:32

a

00:42:34

technical term for the fetish of

00:42:36

redheads is rudophilia oh that's a

00:42:38

fetish a ginger fetus oh yeah so but

00:42:40

there goes a bunch of Rudy's is there an

00:42:41

Asian fetish

00:42:42

is that even a real [ __ ] question

00:42:44

it's called the internet the Asian male

00:42:46

fetish it's called the internet no women

00:42:48

no uh Asian women are fetishized but not

00:42:51

Asian men well because you guys aren't

00:42:52

you guys aren't at the thing you know

00:42:53

what about the thing what's it called a

00:42:55

large group of Asian people

00:42:57

[Laughter]

00:43:06

it's not a sushi motivation yeah well

00:43:10

you know that it does make sense because

00:43:11

you guys are all layered on top of each

00:43:12

other when you're together a noodle of

00:43:13

Asians like a pride of lines or a litter

00:43:15

kittens

00:43:17

I love how it gives you practical user I

00:43:19

couldn't take a photo of that statue

00:43:20

because there was a noodle evasions all

00:43:21

around it it's insane that somebody

00:43:23

wrote that on the internet the internet

00:43:25

is so [ __ ] insane you know what's

00:43:27

offensive to that about it is is that

00:43:29

you know Rice and Noodles are always

00:43:32

associated with Asians but there's so

00:43:34

many cultures that use those things not

00:43:36

as good as you guys yeah what do you

00:43:37

mean but you can do it the best yeah we

00:43:40

do Rice the best uh yes I agree yes yes

00:43:43

oh so you've been to like a restaurant

00:43:45

like go to a [ __ ] white person's

00:43:47

house if the rice is gonna be [ __ ] it's

00:43:49

gonna be [ __ ] rice right you go to an

00:43:51

Asia can your wife make some [ __ ]

00:43:52

bomb ass right [ __ ] yeah different story

00:43:54

dude way different you don't know man

00:43:55

you go to what noodles though we can't

00:43:57

whites don't do do it that's spaghetti

00:44:00

that's different that's not a noodle

00:44:01

Pasta Pasta is a noodle it's pasta are

00:44:05

they two different things two different

00:44:05

things what's the difference Italians

00:44:07

don't make noodles they make pasta you

00:44:08

guys make noodles right oh so you never

00:44:10

go can I get us uh noodles with

00:44:12

meatballs

00:44:15

all right you're right like an adult

00:44:18

noodles are usually made with flour

00:44:19

milled from common wheat pasta is

00:44:21

processed from Durham salmonella

00:44:23

semolina which is of course salmonella

00:44:26

no no semolina which of course are than

00:44:28

typical flour okay so big you make

00:44:31

noodles we make pasta okay Olive Garden

00:44:34

right that's their slogan what do you

00:44:37

prefer Brad noodles or pasta noodles

00:44:39

[ __ ] yeah man I I would have said pasta

00:44:42

eight years ago but then I met my wife

00:44:44

and then she made noodles the right way

00:44:46

and I'm just like oh this is way better

00:44:48

pasta for me 100 what do you say Throw

00:44:50

Some fur 100 pasta all right you know

00:44:52

[ __ ] you guys in a cold winter day I'm

00:44:55

gonna ask the room cold winter day right

00:44:57

would you rather have a bowl of

00:44:59

spaghetti like we have right now in

00:45:01

Southern California cold winter day 58

00:45:03

degrees Yeah Yeah chilly winter day or

00:45:06

would you rather have a nice roll of

00:45:08

ramen

00:45:09

I had by the way you're you're

00:45:11

relegating it just a spaghetti I had

00:45:13

fettuccine with short rib last night

00:45:16

so you can go [ __ ] yourself with that

00:45:18

bowl around in fact we actually said do

00:45:20

you want Ramen me and the old lady said

00:45:22

do you want Ramen I said what if we get

00:45:24

that place that we really love and get

00:45:26

some fettuccine with some short rib and

00:45:28

some of that [ __ ] olive bread all

00:45:29

right come on I guess what happened

00:45:31

today how about you what happened today

00:45:33

when you ripped up when I ripped that

00:45:34

bread and I dipped it in Fred's pasta

00:45:35

what'd you say

00:45:37

Don't make me say it say it

00:45:39

was good so [ __ ] good because I don't

00:45:42

want any bread I ripped the bread in

00:45:43

half I dip some of the pasta sauce I put

00:45:45

it on his plate you can enjoy both nah

00:45:47

we're Superior

00:45:49

pasta over noodles look there's other

00:45:51

things that that we can we have udon too

00:45:53

that's a good thing udon's fine not as

00:45:55

good ramen over udon what about Far Far

00:45:58

So [ __ ] whoa nobody likes Fun by the

00:46:02

way you're getting canceled [ __ ] right

00:46:03

[ __ ] is the same fat fuzz like Pinkberry

00:46:05

everybody was like whoa and then like a

00:46:07

year later everyone was like [ __ ] this

00:46:09

[ __ ] this stinks fuzz whack there's no

00:46:11

flavor profile glass glass noodles are

00:46:13

whack see here's my thing about pho you

00:46:16

can't go get it at a place that has a

00:46:18

funny name they all have [ __ ] no you

00:46:20

just gotta go to a place that says [ __ ]

00:46:22

yeah if that if that if that's all it

00:46:24

says it's good but if the name of their

00:46:26

restaurant is phobulous go [ __ ] yourself

00:46:28

or whatever the hell nah it's not gonna

00:46:30

be good the proof in the pudding is that

00:46:32

Pho has not lasted culturally longer

00:46:33

than I thought it was going to thought

00:46:35

it was going to keep humming along you

00:46:37

don't like crafty names

00:46:38

I like crafty names the comedian me in

00:46:41

in me likes it yeah but the in my in my

00:46:45

experience the food is better at the

00:46:47

place like no we don't have time is that

00:46:49

psychological like this guy you know I

00:46:51

mean but let me let me say this okay

00:46:52

what do people do to you we've actually

00:46:54

you and I have had this personal

00:46:55

conversation for real one people what

00:46:58

what's the thing that people do the most

00:46:59

like at a restaurant when you go that

00:47:01

bothers you the most that's something

00:47:02

they treat you like oh Jesus or what

00:47:04

they say uh uh uh someone always makes

00:47:06

the joke

00:47:07

uh uh

00:47:09

kids menu yeah kids menu they always

00:47:12

make that joke booster seat you said one

00:47:14

time yeah oh and then uh your friends

00:47:17

make that joke no I'm just like ignoring

00:47:19

people people like people in general

00:47:21

that and like once you become known as a

00:47:23

comedian one day you'll get there Bobby

00:47:25

one once

00:47:30

okay please do

00:47:33

um but like once you become known as a

00:47:34

comedian people just people when they

00:47:36

meet you just think they could

00:47:37

automatically get to that level of okay

00:47:39

we're joking with you so like I've had

00:47:41

the thing where like the host of the

00:47:43

restaurant recognizes me and then like

00:47:45

looks at the group of four and goes so

00:47:47

three and a half oh my God and you're

00:47:50

just like you son of a [ __ ]

00:47:55

you told me one time a guy said to you

00:47:57

you were getting I think it was outside

00:47:59

a Ray's old place and you were getting

00:48:01

in your car and I think that's where it

00:48:04

was and a guy said to you you need help

00:48:06

getting in yeah yeah yeah oh no what I

00:48:10

get in the car would you ever [ __ ]

00:48:12

have the like why would you ever go up

00:48:15

to someone and say that I don't know no

00:48:18

you would no you would never help no I

00:48:21

was just thinking about something else

00:48:22

sorry that made me laugh say it I can't

00:48:24

say it and I really mean it though go

00:48:26

ahead I'm about to say it please dude we

00:48:28

[ __ ] and fight him to Magic Mountain so

00:48:30

he can hold our stuff while we're on the

00:48:31

right

00:48:34

you know because the wall and stuff like

00:48:36

he could be that guy yeah yeah I'm your

00:48:38

own locker you're my life yeah yeah yeah

00:48:39

if you guys want to rent a locker you've

00:48:41

never been there on one oh I've been

00:48:43

there's like there's four rides I can't

00:48:45

ride because I'm which are the four you

00:48:47

can't okay X2 no I can write X2 you can

00:48:50

yeah that's a that's 48 inches it it's

00:48:53

the ones that are 52 inch or 54 inch

00:48:56

I'll tell you what's [ __ ] [ __ ]

00:48:57

required let me make a statement right

00:48:59

now that I stand by good the fact that

00:49:01

you're born with this yeah it is

00:49:03

unhelpable all right it is something

00:49:05

that you you cannot control right and

00:49:07

they haven't [ __ ] rigged a way to

00:49:09

make a seat mechanism so you can ride

00:49:11

the ride as an adult it pisses me off

00:49:14

because you get on a [ __ ] airplane

00:49:15

you can ask for nine seat belt

00:49:17

extensions something they can help a lot

00:49:20

more than you I'm not saying all of them

00:49:21

but they can help that out a lot more

00:49:22

than you can but you're just [ __ ] yeah

00:49:25

and the even more [ __ ] up part about

00:49:27

it is the type of dwarfism I have my

00:49:30

torso is average size yeah so they're

00:49:32

making this judgment based on well if

00:49:34

you're 52 like your torso smaller like

00:49:37

because your torso's puny because you're

00:49:39

skinny as [ __ ] yeah you don't know he

00:49:42

got slipped right out of a ride yeah

00:49:43

yeah he like he can do it but then like

00:49:46

most people uh when like I go to the

00:49:50

barber chair or I go to a restaurant

00:49:51

they go you need a booster seat and I go

00:49:52

no [ __ ] and then I sit down and I'm

00:49:54

just as tall as everybody right because

00:49:56

your torso yeah you saw my legs kick out

00:49:58

and you laughed I saw that don't do it

00:50:00

again because he's gonna he's gonna keep

00:50:01

looking at it he gotta do it again that

00:50:04

wasn't it when you fart does your legs

00:50:06

go up like that

00:50:09

imagine imagine when he shits when you

00:50:11

[ __ ] on the toilet how fun would that be

00:50:14

every time I [ __ ]

00:50:17

I'm just saying I'm gonna stand by what

00:50:19

I said I think if they're going to make

00:50:20

exception for people that are overweight

00:50:22

and they say well it's a it's a

00:50:23

condition for them Health they can't

00:50:24

fight that's you know they can't help it

00:50:26

he's like well then you can't help this

00:50:28

disability why isn't there a functioning

00:50:30

thing that makes it so you could ride

00:50:32

rides and do all that [ __ ] yeah you do

00:50:35

that with your car you show me your car

00:50:36

yeah it's all tricked out the the weird

00:50:38

part is when like so I've been to a

00:50:41

public bathroom before where like all

00:50:43

the toilets are high but then they have

00:50:45

the handicap toilet on the side I'm like

00:50:47

okay cool I'm gonna go to the handicap

00:50:48

toilet I didn't realize that the

00:50:50

handicapped toilets a lot of the times

00:50:51

are higher yeah but they just have the

00:50:53

bars right so now I'm doing like a

00:50:55

gymnast routine

00:50:57

back myself up on the toilet

00:51:01

[ __ ] I mean yeah the yeah when I get

00:51:05

into a hotel shower the amount the

00:51:08

amount of times I've had to like

00:51:10

Cirque de mager up the wall to like make

00:51:13

the spout actually Point down oh that

00:51:16

must be a thing yeah because not because

00:51:18

sometimes I turn in the water and it's

00:51:20

just hit in the back wall and I'm like I

00:51:21

got nothing so how do you get up there

00:51:23

you get a chair in there or something I

00:51:24

[ __ ] up I've literally called the

00:51:26

front desk and had them send somebody up

00:51:28

no and like lower the shower head

00:51:31

because I'm like I can't take a shower

00:51:32

[ __ ] you and I don't wanna I Don't Wanna

00:51:34

Die Trying to climb up there and then

00:51:38

slip how'd Brad die well the shower

00:51:41

wasn't I'm not gonna believe this yeah

00:51:42

but if I read that on Deadline though

00:51:50

it's strange you say that I think about

00:51:52

that [ __ ] all the time like there are so

00:51:55

many ways

00:51:57

for me to die and it's hilarious like

00:51:59

just because I'm a little person yeah

00:52:01

like give me example oh

00:52:11

they'll type something like yeah the

00:52:12

truck ran over the Mini Cooper like yeah

00:52:15

yeah I'm falling off a ladder like a or

00:52:18

or if you died on the 405 your body ends

00:52:20

up on the five

00:52:25

a little person

00:52:28

but yeah it's like there's like unless

00:52:32

it's like old age or of a disease in the

00:52:35

bed like like that's the only way it's

00:52:37

not funny if if I die any other way it's

00:52:40

fun tell me this has there ever been a

00:52:42

dwarf uh pro athlete I mean come on man

00:52:46

what I'm being serious that's crazy okay

00:52:48

there was a guy named scaramontalu I

00:52:51

can't spell that what's his name scaramu

00:52:53

is he the guy that uh drew the first uh

00:52:56

anatomy of a body

00:52:58

Turkish weightlifter see I told you

00:53:01

there was there's one it's a Google

00:53:03

dwarf pro athletes because there's got

00:53:06

to be more than one yeah and by the way

00:53:07

do you do do most

00:53:09

LPS does not like LP anymore is that

00:53:12

gone is it dwarf now

00:53:14

what's the preferred little person in LP

00:53:17

or like the two like you're you're safe

00:53:20

LPS yeah you're absolutely so dwarf I

00:53:23

thought is safe now no yeah like unless

00:53:26

they don't have dwarfism not all of them

00:53:27

outdoor yes oh yes Eddie Goodell yes

00:53:29

Eddie Goodell yeah professional baseball

00:53:31

player I remember I remember him had one

00:53:33

at bat Yep this is real that's a real

00:53:35

photo yeah there's no way yeah yeah yeah

00:53:37

yeah yes

00:53:39

yeah played uh had one at bat St Louis

00:53:43

Brown's doubleheader 1951 weighing 60

00:53:45

pounds standing three feet seven inches

00:53:47

tall just so we can walk away crazy they

00:53:50

brought him into a baseball game so we

00:53:51

so we could get away let me tell you

00:53:52

zoom into what Lewis Brown's owner Bill

00:53:54

Vex said uh zoom in right there as in

00:53:57

wreck said of Goodell he was by golly

00:53:59

the best damn [ __ ] that ever played

00:54:00

the big league ball he was he was also

00:54:02

the only one I love that he threw it up

00:54:04

by golly was it like a Rudy situation

00:54:06

where like let him play one game yeah

00:54:09

essentially born in Chicago by the way

00:54:11

died in Chicago my man I want Rudy to

00:54:13

try to be a part of the show right now

00:54:14

why don't you talk to Brad and ask some

00:54:16

questions and say hi and be honest about

00:54:19

because you don't you've only seen them

00:54:20

in the tukdukes or whatever that thing

00:54:23

that you're wrong it doesn't have to be

00:54:25

about Brad being important you can just

00:54:27

talk to Brad and say hi right so just

00:54:28

ask any questions about life be a part

00:54:31

of the show again okay hi Brad hi nice

00:54:34

to meet you nice to meet you in person

00:54:36

finally it's good so far

00:54:38

um I want to know how you met your wife

00:54:41

I'm curious love this I love it

00:54:44

about seven years ago I I decided to

00:54:47

take a brief Hiatus from stand-up comedy

00:54:49

I got offered a morning radio show in

00:54:52

San Francisco California and I had to

00:54:54

move there to do the show so I moved

00:54:56

there and uh we're doing the show and me

00:55:00

and two two other people who are now

00:55:01

down here in La Uh Kevin Klein and Ali

00:55:05

they are now on K-Rock but I was doing a

00:55:07

show with them and uh I didn't know

00:55:09

anybody because I had to move to San

00:55:10

Francisco and we in order to meet people

00:55:12

we decided to play a game called Tinder

00:55:15

or grinder

00:55:16

every day I would flip a coin based on

00:55:18

when it lands on I have to go on either

00:55:19

a Tinder date or a grinder date

00:55:21

it's insane insane it's awesome and that

00:55:24

and that was to meet people first day I

00:55:26

flipped the coin it landed on Grindr oh

00:55:28

and I made and I made a profile and I'm

00:55:30

this is so great that I'm on this

00:55:32

podcast on the story I made a profile

00:55:34

and I immediately matched up with a very

00:55:36

large red-headed bearded man who told me

00:55:41

to only refer to him as ginger bear

00:55:42

we've been friends for seven years I

00:55:45

think it's a [ __ ] coincidence he's

00:55:47

ginger bear I'm gummy bear let's do this

00:55:49

[ __ ] so side note if I was on that radio

00:55:53

staff yeah I would have waited that coin

00:55:55

so you got the grinder side every

00:55:57

[ __ ] time every time go ahead though

00:55:59

so you're flipping a coin yeah so I went

00:56:01

on a date with ginger bear it was a

00:56:03

great date uh gave me a lot of sympathy

00:56:06

for women because I had no sexual

00:56:07

interest in this man whatsoever but at

00:56:09

the end of the night I kind of felt like

00:56:10

I owed him something

00:56:11

uh give a little tug yeah well you don't

00:56:13

make eye contact yeah you just look the

00:56:15

other way that's fine so but the next

00:56:17

day we're like all right we're gonna

00:56:18

play Tinder grinder again and then a

00:56:20

listener called in and said yeah you

00:56:22

guys doing Tinder grinder you you should

00:56:24

try thrinder

00:56:26

and we're like what's thrinder and

00:56:27

they're like oh that's Tinder for people

00:56:29

trying to have threesomes and I'm like

00:56:31

okay I'm in and just so you know I'm not

00:56:35

lying uh Tinder sued them for copyright

00:56:37

infringement the app is no longer called

00:56:39

thrinder it's called field f-e-e-l-d

00:56:41

you're welcome so I I go on the app I

00:56:45

match with two women we're all gonna go

00:56:47

on a date together one of the women does

00:56:49

not show up for whatever reason I went

00:56:51

on a date with just the other one and

00:56:52

two years after that date I proposed to

00:56:55

that woman because when you find a hot

00:56:57

Asian that is into three ways you lock

00:56:59

that [ __ ] down so have you ever tried a

00:57:03

threesome yeah that's how we met his

00:57:05

[ __ ] wife you think she wants to do

00:57:06

it yes yes not every day it's not every

00:57:09

week it's not in every month but every

00:57:10

now and then it's great that's cool

00:57:11

that's good yeah with another girl yes

00:57:14

whatever I got another guy never a guy

00:57:16

I've been invited over

00:57:18

she likes you Andrew I've been invited

00:57:21

over you're very cute no but this guy by

00:57:23

the way when when we went bowling uh

00:57:26

when we were in that bowling league at

00:57:27

the [ __ ] Roosevelt or yeah yeah his

00:57:30

wife came one time and you guys brought

00:57:32

a girl right or she was meeting you guys

00:57:33

there or something like that no idea

00:57:35

what you're talking about

00:57:36

right on right on anyway yeah hey Nicole

00:57:39

yeah they do

00:57:41

that's incredible the [ __ ] party

00:57:43

animals I love that yeah and and it's a

00:57:46

lot of fun because uh when people and

00:57:48

we're very successful when we try to do

00:57:49

that kind of thing because when people

00:57:51

see a a hot Asian and a dwarf I mean

00:57:53

you're clicking I'm clicking that's

00:57:55

everything on the bucket list like you

00:57:58

can't yeah it literally it's three for

00:57:59

three it's you have a dwarf you have an

00:58:01

Asian woman and it's a threesome it's

00:58:03

the three things that people are looking

00:58:04

for yeah I want to [ __ ] two other people

00:58:05

one's got one could be a dwarf would be

00:58:08

neat yeah an Asian woman yeah it's it's

00:58:11

great it's funny when I walk in Grand

00:58:12

Slam some porn I always sometimes every

00:58:14

once in a while I'll experiment

00:58:16

and I'll look up Asia I'm not Asian um

00:58:20

dwarf man right and whenever I can find

00:58:23

a dwarf man with you know just one guy

00:58:25

jerking off

00:58:27

making love to a woman okay right so

00:58:30

something about it I just it really does

00:58:32

it for me what do you think it is I

00:58:33

think maybe I relate to the dwarf man I

00:58:35

don't know what it is you see yourself I

00:58:37

think I see myself in them but I like

00:58:38

that be back to Rudy go ahead so yeah

00:58:40

that's how I met my wife okay next

00:58:42

question so good at this

00:58:45

I don't know I'm doing good I'm serious

00:58:48

you do great the first question was a

00:58:50

banger yeah you're good

00:58:52

um

00:58:53

don't be shy whatever comes whatever

00:58:55

comes to mind yeah whatever yeah yeah

00:58:57

yeah there's no limit There's No No

00:58:59

Holds Barred no wrong answers have you

00:59:02

tried

00:59:05

go

00:59:07

a dating app that that's only for little

00:59:11

people that's a good question that's a

00:59:13

good question good question I have not

00:59:15

tried it but there is one what's it

00:59:16

called what's it called hold on hold on

00:59:18

hold on let's go give us a chance

00:59:22

chance in there fumble

00:59:32

[Laughter]

00:59:39

oh my God

00:59:43

Bobby I take back every bad thing I've

00:59:45

ever said about you that was the

00:59:46

funniest thing I've ever heard in my

00:59:47

life oh my [ __ ] God if fumble

00:59:51

if that's not a publicly traded company

00:59:53

soon

00:59:55

fumble is so good Bob that's so great

00:59:58

wow fumble

00:59:59

yeah that that is right that is right up

01:00:02

there okay you know um Bobby do you ever

01:00:05

do the uh did you ever do the Opie and

01:00:08

Anthony show yeah okay a million times

01:00:10

Anthony one time I was on the show yeah

01:00:13

and they asked me if any dwarves get mad

01:00:17

at me because I do stand up and I say

01:00:19

the word [ __ ] and stuff like that yeah

01:00:21

and Anthony stops and goes yeah does

01:00:23

anyone call you an Uncle Tom Thumb

01:00:27

that's really you're right up there with

01:00:29

thumble yeah that's that's right there

01:00:32

that's great Bobby you still say the m

01:00:35

word yeah but I but what did I say all I

01:00:38

say all of it I say dwarf short stature

01:00:40

LP little person but I thought dwarf is

01:00:42

okay yeah m is not okay m is not okay

01:00:45

for a lot for a lot of people I would

01:00:46

say most don't like you to say m yeah

01:00:48

but see for me it's all about the

01:00:50

context and how you're using it because

01:00:52

and I told the story on Marin so I

01:00:54

apologize if you're hearing it for a

01:00:55

second time but when I I did a show in

01:00:58

Odessa Texas and there was a there's a

01:01:01

Heckler and we had to kick him out and

01:01:04

at the at the end of the night Show's

01:01:05

done uh I'm walking to the car with this

01:01:09

with this other comedian and we see that

01:01:11

these we see these lights turn on in its

01:01:13

truck and oh my God they start driving

01:01:16

towards us and some guy leans out the

01:01:18

window and just yells out kill the dwarf

01:01:21

he said kill the dwarf Jesus Jesus so I

01:01:25

wasn't like oh thank you for using the

01:01:27

proper term

01:01:28

all right Rudy go ahead more questions

01:01:30

for Brad

01:01:31

um I know you've got him lined up okay

01:01:34

do you

01:01:37

poo every day

01:01:47

I don't know wait how do you think we

01:01:50

got these things in here

01:01:58

Reese's Pieces

01:02:00

pieces yeah what the [ __ ] do you think

01:02:01

these things came from the North Pole

01:02:03

you [ __ ] idiot think about the

01:02:05

question right she equates size with

01:02:08

three years

01:02:09

every day yeah

01:02:11

so you think that the food goes to the

01:02:16

body no okay because I don't poop every

01:02:19

day you would think that he would poop

01:02:21

more often yeah because there's a

01:02:22

shorter way that's why I'm asking yeah

01:02:25

no but that's not what you're asking you

01:02:26

were asking as if like do they poo every

01:02:28

other day no just him because I don't go

01:02:32

every day yeah so do you poo every day

01:02:34

yeah or you would have asked how many

01:02:36

times a day do you poo

01:02:38

right so I don't think that was the

01:02:39

question anyway

01:02:40

let her it's right okay that's her

01:02:42

question let her dig out of this so I'll

01:02:45

ask it again

01:02:46

whatever you want well yes uh uh so to

01:02:49

answer your question yes I have a bowel

01:02:52

movement every day and thank God

01:02:56

and I don't even know if they're a

01:02:57

sponsor of this show if not they should

01:02:59

sponsor me just in general so my tour

01:03:02

should be sponsored by these people

01:03:04

Squatty Potty oh right right yeah love

01:03:06

me a Squatty Potty it's a Squatty Potty

01:03:08

what do you mean basically the show

01:03:10

basically if your legs are on the toilet

01:03:12

yeah your legs are on that little thing

01:03:13

we used to we did they used to sponsor

01:03:15

the show it's what this Apple box is but

01:03:17

while you're shooting oh wow and it's

01:03:19

designed to clean this oh yeah they used

01:03:21

to sponsor our show yeah yeah I remember

01:03:22

yeah yeah

01:03:24

it's an amazing product yeah that's

01:03:26

great I love it and please sponsor my

01:03:29

tours it uh it straightens out your

01:03:31

intestines you know they say your

01:03:33

intestines if you re if you unravel them

01:03:34

would wrap around the earth multiple

01:03:36

times

01:03:36

do you know that

01:03:38

what my own intestines would wrap around

01:03:41

the earth yeah multiple I think it's

01:03:42

twice or something like that yeah insane

01:03:44

do you ever see uh that's not true look

01:03:46

Google it right now prove that I'm right

01:03:47

a one human being will travel around the

01:03:50

world your intestines can wrap around

01:03:51

the earth if they're when they're

01:03:52

Unwound if a veins oh it's maybe it's

01:03:54

maybe it's vascular it's something that

01:03:56

can wrap around the [ __ ] Earth I

01:03:57

forget what it is uh your blood vessels

01:03:59

can stretch around the earth twice two

01:04:00

times your blood vessels there's so many

01:04:02

blood veins that's insane no no it says

01:04:04

it cannot stretch down twice your blood

01:04:06

vessels can stretch around the earth

01:04:07

twice Brad's construction on a

01:04:09

basketball twice

01:04:13

stop it it's not even funny all right go

01:04:15

one more question come on make it count

01:04:17

and yeah Make It Count do you count I

01:04:19

don't know I don't know do you poo every

01:04:21

day my it might have been one of the

01:04:22

best ones let's try one more you know

01:04:25

she's got another one rattling around

01:04:27

that brainer hers

01:04:28

so much Creative Energy

01:04:30

um

01:04:34

you ever looked at his orphan okay okay

01:04:36

have you met Peter Dinklage ah uh we

01:04:40

call him King dwarf uh he rules uh I I

01:04:45

have not met him he he refuses to go to

01:04:48

the meetings

01:04:49

uh bastard uh he tried to take the

01:04:52

dwarves out of the new Snow White movie

01:04:53

did he really really yeah well that was

01:04:55

the thing he said on Marin

01:04:56

that he was like oh they're they're

01:04:59

redoing they're they're doing a live

01:05:01

action Snow White and uh and they they

01:05:04

like made Snow White Latina which is

01:05:06

great makes sense and then they had a

01:05:09

snow Brown yeah and then uh he said like

01:05:12

yeah but they're still having they're

01:05:14

they're they're they're trying to make

01:05:15

this woke Snow White but they're still

01:05:16

having the dwarves in it you know what

01:05:19

made me mad what see that doesn't make

01:05:21

any sense the dwarves are people why

01:05:22

wouldn't they still be in it it was just

01:05:24

about a girl and her friends yeah so

01:05:26

this [ __ ] like dwarves yeah we'll be

01:05:29

made into a live actionable Disney said

01:05:30

Tuesday it was Consulting with members

01:05:31

of the dwarfism Community well who are

01:05:33

these members yeah were they at the

01:05:34

meeting where's like do do we have you

01:05:36

got to be in that movie where's the

01:05:38

dwarf house are you sleepy which one are

01:05:40

you I just want to see the dwarf Al

01:05:42

Sharpton if you don't get in that

01:05:45

[ __ ] movie we're gonna protest yeah

01:05:47

yeah you're in the how many are there

01:06:03

you wouldn't be grumpy or sleepy no

01:06:06

Dopey you'd be either Dopey or what's

01:06:08

the other one come on go over all right

01:06:10

happy sleepy dokie happy

01:06:14

you could be sneezing Sneezy no I don't

01:06:17

like that a few more doc yeah doc you

01:06:19

could be Doc you could be Doc you could

01:06:21

be dog okay Doc and of course Bobby will

01:06:24

be the Huntsman yeah let me be the magic

01:06:27

mirror a month ago I got an audition oh

01:06:30

two months ago I got an audition for

01:06:31

Time Bandits they're redoing time damn

01:06:34

yeah Time Bandits and it was doing it is

01:06:36

um

01:06:37

anyway um

01:06:38

and I said no you said no yeah because

01:06:41

they may wanted me to read for oh the

01:06:44

dwarf part yeah but they're not using

01:06:45

dwarf parts now son of a [ __ ] that suck

01:06:48

yeah they're they're like those are the

01:06:50

Time Bandits yeah well because I well

01:06:53

taika's doing it yeah that's right you

01:06:55

said that yeah tiger is doing it and um

01:06:57

I go I there's no way I can't oh tiger

01:06:59

ytt yeah yeah yeah they're well and this

01:07:02

is real I was in an audition right right

01:07:04

before the lockdown happened uh back

01:07:07

when we still did in-person auditions

01:07:09

and I think I did okay for the part and

01:07:12

then they looked at me and said just so

01:07:13

just so you know so you don't get your

01:07:15

hopes up we're really looking for a

01:07:17

minority hire

01:07:18

well and I just looked at him like yeah

01:07:21

yeah because it wasn't a dwarf part yeah

01:07:23

it was just a part you got and then

01:07:25

they're like a guy yeah I'm like yeah

01:07:27

there you go uh I'm the only one that

01:07:30

still has a separate drinking fountain

01:07:32

yay so would you consider he would can

01:07:36

be considerable what comes out of those

01:07:38

Kool-Aid what comes out of yours

01:07:39

frosting

01:07:42

how many dwarfs are there in the world

01:07:43

by the way let me see the world

01:07:44

population dwarf world population yeah

01:07:47

how many dwarfs do you think stop before

01:07:48

he ghouls how many dwarves do you think

01:07:49

are in the world well because I think

01:07:50

you might that you're right I'm doing

01:07:52

quick math it's one in every 36 000. one

01:07:54

in every 36 000 yeah then there's you

01:07:57

know eight billion people I can't do

01:08:00

that math in my head uh let let's go

01:08:02

with uh 800 000 little people can I ask

01:08:05

you a side note aside from this [ __ ]

01:08:07

we were talking about little people why

01:08:08

does Adam Ray not like me

01:08:10

Adam really loves you I was not invited

01:08:12

to his wedding well yeah you were I was

01:08:15

you were yeah but why would you a 651

01:08:19

000 Brad you're pretty close wow

01:08:21

well yeah because I sensed it that's

01:08:24

pretty good right you guys know where

01:08:25

you are how many redheaded people are

01:08:27

there in the world 651 000 the entire

01:08:29

country of Ireland how many redheaded

01:08:31

people in the world that population I

01:08:32

bet there's only like a million I mean

01:08:33

it's not that many more than you

01:08:35

what does it say

01:08:37

one to two percent of the human

01:08:39

population okay so that's that's more

01:08:41

than six hundred thousand yeah 70

01:08:43

million 70 million 70 240 well that's a

01:08:47

big gap that's the problem because they

01:08:48

don't [ __ ] know yeah because they

01:08:50

don't because most of us stay in hiding

01:08:52

a lot of us don't come out

01:08:55

your stuff in your stockings too okay so

01:08:58

let's well we will uh come over here

01:09:00

okay that's fine

01:09:02

did you guys get Brad of stocking as a

01:09:05

guest

01:09:07

where's my where's the stocking yeah oh

01:09:10

oh [ __ ] I'd even okay thank you so for a

01:09:13

for Andrew

01:09:17

oh wow look at this

01:09:21

Andrew on the North Pole Express look at

01:09:24

this sweet book that I got what did you

01:09:26

get Bob

01:09:27

what is that what is that buddy is that

01:09:29

a butt plug what is that what the [ __ ]

01:09:30

is this it's cold

01:09:32

somebody get coal in their stocking

01:09:34

because they were a bad boy this year oh

01:09:36

Bobby was bad can I read you this don't

01:09:39

keep doing it Bobby don't keep putting

01:09:42

your hand in there Andrew sees a present

01:09:43

rep neatly with a bow the label has a

01:09:46

name and the wrapping seems to Glow the

01:09:47

present is for me Christ Andrew with the

01:09:49

biggest grin Andrew opens it to look

01:09:51

inside and suddenly Falls in Andrew's in

01:09:53

the frosty Woods looking at Blue Skies

01:09:55

to find a world inside a box such a big

01:09:57

surprise the signpost on the trail shows

01:09:59

which way to go Santa's house Andrew

01:10:01

says and all then runs through the

01:10:03

sparkly snow Andrew spots a village and

01:10:05

a family up ahead Andrew grasps and

01:10:08

can't believe they're made of

01:10:09

gingerbread the daddy smells Andrew you

01:10:11

want to see Santa's house I guess you'll

01:10:13

get there so much quicker on the North

01:10:14

Pole Express now get in my van and I've

01:10:18

got some treats take off your clothes

01:10:20

let me warm your feet put them in

01:10:23

between my comfy butt cheeks Now give me

01:10:26

a kiss

01:10:27

off we go sit on my lap it's now your

01:10:31

seat

01:10:31

what is this

01:10:34

a Jeffrey Epstein Christmas what what is

01:10:36

this it's a Christmas book uh from

01:10:38

Target on Sunset kiss me little Andrew

01:10:40

kiss me right here

01:10:43

don't bother if it cries that's not

01:10:45

actually a tear

01:10:48

wow what is this I mean this was at the

01:10:52

checkout aisle

01:10:54

you'll be okay just keep your mouth

01:10:56

closed

01:10:57

open of course right now and now take

01:11:00

off those clothes

01:11:03

chugga chugga choo choo in your poo poo

01:11:08

did I say that no oh it's made all that

01:11:11

[ __ ] up lyrics he's made all that [ __ ]

01:11:13

up but also chugga chugga choo choo in

01:11:16

your poop

01:11:17

by the way uh bro

01:11:20

so good for all for all the fans of the

01:11:23

show when Andrew starts reading the book

01:11:26

I isolate the clip no no no when Audrey

01:11:29

starts reading the book he's pissed off

01:11:30

and just look at Bobby and someone put

01:11:33

the song hello doctor it's my old friend

01:11:35

uh Bobby got that and he's upset about

01:11:38

it so Bobby say goodbye properly to our

01:11:39

guest and say thank you thank you Brad

01:11:41

thanks for being here well to be honest

01:11:43

with him not being real I really want no

01:11:45

okay let's go real sorry

01:11:47

um I

01:11:51

um I've always loved you I think you're

01:11:53

a beast and I think that um

01:11:56

you know it was a real surprise I knew

01:11:58

you were coming today it was a blessing

01:12:00

Merry Christmas to you it's a Christmas

01:12:02

miracle it's your Christmas miracle

01:12:03

happy Hanukkah and Happy Holidays happy

01:12:05

Hanukkah Kanye and then um Kyrie and

01:12:09

thank you for being a bad friend thank

01:12:10

you for being a bad friend let's have uh

01:12:13

Rudy say it and then Brad say it

01:12:15

thank you for being a bad friend

01:12:17

perfect

01:12:22

[Music]

01:12:26

yeah

01:12:28

laughs

01:12:33

[Music]

Words per Minute Over Time