The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes | Ep 25 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

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all right we'll relax sorry they're gonna do it all right you two are bad friends who are these two idiots why

dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad

friends hey so i come in here today feeling so jolly and um carefree as they

say i understand i walk in here and i see this little nice little painting here yeah

and this is me um as a [ __ ] are you chinese in that i don't know

what he is but i i'm not you know do you not know that's a korean warrior okay but that's a whole tool have you you know

hotu is yeah what are you there an english dignitary yeah exactly i'm a pretty boy okay you

look regal in that yeah like like you're you run some [ __ ] i'm royalty

i'm carrying rice to me the royalty to eat i'm hungry yeah but i live in wuhan right

you have to carry it to england that's right 90 000 pounds of rice on my on your shoulder oh my god but it feels

hand drawn and drawn by a man by the name of jack hansby yeah let me read you a letter read his letter read the letter okay hi

bobby love your stuff a lot so i painted you a painting i hope you like it

if not okay

so um welcome to the podcast bad friends welcome to the bad friends so we got chad sleeping good at all same you want to talk about it i

want to well i want to talk what i've been um actually um do you have a lot of fear i

have a lot of fear and i have a lot of questions in life because what happened was um

i'll just say this during a couple of nights ago in la there was an earthquake at around 3 30 4

in the morning and i know let me just explain okay and so the earthquake erupts

and i know what juliana did juliana you probably slept right through it right right she slept right through it um i

was already awake the earthquake i was playing this game on my um ipad it's called uh palace and conquerors or

something like that and um earthquake happened and i i kind of looked up

it was over and then i started playing my game again maybe i didn't stop playing i don't know yeah so some people react like that um

there are those also so i have i have a friend i have a friend right you may or may not know him but

the earthquake happened and he went like he woke up he was sleeping and went he went he went

what's going on right and blood rush to his head right and that's a reaction of um

some people call that cowardly some people would call that weak i call it um he was just scared

surprised so he goes oh and he goes to the bathroom because he

has to take a fear [ __ ] now a lot of white people when they get scared they take

fear shits and it's like it's it's a combination of um gas and diarrhea right maybe a little

bit of blood and so he took a little fear [ __ ] and as he got up from the fear [ __ ] he goes he goes oops he goes

this is what he goes he goes oops i lose consciousness and he hits his head you know i mean on

a cabinet and he almost gouges his eye out and so um and then what happens is he

goes wifey wifey i i heard

i got scared from from the earthquake right it's cause

they they go oh they always go to the other side it's almost as bad as your stand-up comedy that's how bad this is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's a bad

[ __ ] yeah yeah you're a bad you're your whole life is a bad bit why are you so angry right now because you're

you're you spent four minutes on a dog [ __ ] story that's not even that's what happened to you i woke up

that's what happened to you i had a couple of drinks why is he so angry today can i tell the real story

i woke up i've i'm gonna be so drunk stuff was breaking so i ran into the

guest room yeah and i had woken up so fast that i my equilibrium was off because i also had a couple drinks with

my neighbor oh i didn't know that we'll throw in the details next time you call me you're not listening anyway bob you

don't listen to me ever i need details like hemingway i need specific what the sunset looks like

you can't just say sunset you got to say glowing red no heavyweight said sunset made you figure it out you can figure

out the rest in this case hemingway i had a couple of drinks i woke up i went to go hear what was break and see

if the dog was okay and then when i walked back to the room i lost my balance because the blood was

rushed to my head i got up so fast and the earthquake was still shaking that i sat on the hallway toilet in the bathroom

to to to level myself but i had flipped my my up and down had flipped so much i

blacked out i blacked out and i hit my head yeah and i busted what's the difference and i

busted my head over the story that i told and your story you threw an unnecessary

um you said uh coward lie not true i wanted to make sure my dog and my house were

okay you know what you're right yeah my stuff was breaking i got nervous i thought oh

my god first of all what if the tv fell on the dog what if the tv fell on the dog

the dog meanwhile you're playing i'm 50. i like ipad games at 3am

you're you're in shut up shut up shut up rudy do you like your new painting yeah

[Laughter] i did i went to the er honestly no but

look at my eyes busted for the fans yeah and i went and got my skull and my noggin checked and i went in an imaging

machine and i was scared because the only one they had was in panorama city you can google it it's not nice

and i got nervous the whole time let me just ask and they send back the

results and they said you're fine but you have an overwhelming amount of stress in your blood level do you by chance work with a korean man

day on a weekly basis i said yeah i work with a little troll a little booger-eating troll

in a room in the valley and they said that could be part of the problem rudy your painting is dope though it's a

really good painting and the knife got hung up that's really nice let me ask you this question honestly how tight is that

painting dear friend hey baby a dear friend yeah so um and this is an honest question i'm not trying to be funny or facetious

don't roll your eyes because i know it's coming no it's not you're gonna make fun of me you think i'm not gonna i'm not gonna make fun of you i need

questions answered okay all right okay so if you're walking down the street yes and there's a little just let me

finish my question and there's a little wind do you go

tornado i hit the deck and you hit the deck i hit the deck okay that's all i wanted to ask i freak out right yeah i would love to

see you in a real situation of fear if you see you know what i'm gonna do what i'm gonna pay someone to come rob

you guys with a real knife and a real gun yeah and i'm gonna see who steps up to the plate not you you're not gonna protect the

girls you have no idea you're a puss puss you're a little puss puss boy i have a

puss you're a puss puss boy oh okay you won't you won't fight or protect you're not a protector

you either yes that's why i jumped up you i've never no that's not why you got up from the

[ __ ] thing why'd i get up cause you didn't know what was going on no i knew it was you got confused i woke up i knew it's an earthquake you got

confused i heard stuff crashing and i thought it was oh my god i thought oh my god what did the world what if what if is the dog okay did

something break is something heavy is everything okay yeah yeah they should make you know they should remake this is you

i smoke a cigarette and i play ipad them late night booger don't make fun of me

dude i had to go to the hospital okay the hospital

i'm just saying they should remake certain movies about you you should be there there is no movies yeah like like

like armageddon speaking of speaking just let me finish yeah armageddon part then remake the earthquake armageddon no

no no it no you're in it right uh-huh asteroids coming right and then the credits roll down because

nothing happens you're the hero of the story nothing happens the credits scroll down and everyone's in the movie they're going

i guess everyone dies they've already made a movie about you there we go here we go this is what i like about our relationship this

i miss this they made so several movies about you i love what's eating gilbert grape you

were you were fantastic in that oh i'm at the leonardo dicaprio uh i am sam you were very good in that oh

i see yeah yeah yeah you're saying that the one with johnny what no the one with johnny knoxville that was about you wasn't it were you

trying to go the olympics what's even eating gilbert am i the fat mother could be no you're you're saying that i am you're here as

much as you're anybody else in that movie yeah yeah i want my son that's you you are the you're the obese mother that

they're gonna have to remove from your video game layer in 20 years when you die of lack of movement

and the whole time you'll be young i want my war zone we played we did play i'm terrible i'm so bad it's

un it's not even funny bobby would you check in with me andrew are you still okay no it was it

was it was fun to play with you because um so bad the first couple times you died

you didn't open up your parachute yeah well you have to learn how to jump no one gave me the details i know and

then you jumped off a building and you didn't open up your parachute oh three stories i thought he could take the hit yeah no you didn't you broke your legs

we revived you you did well no you didn't uh uh uh uh josh did yeah josh price very

good he's phenomenal how good is that guy he saved me six times and we won twice i know that isn't it but first of all

you have to understand how difficult it is i know i talked to some friends nobody wins we won nobody wins i know we won what happened

i just didn't but it was very joyous it was because you have a win in your column can you

can you can you tell the fans one thing even though i didn't get credit for it but they they said it was true

i killed a guy you did but i didn't get credit because what is it it said it was uh what this is what

happened yeah okay is is that um somebody had hit the guy

maybe a couple of times sure but you had the final elimination yeah right but because maybe that person

got a little bit more damage on the guy they get the kick yeah you didn't get the kill but you will get kills

i feel like because of your temperament yeah and your aggressiveness that you will get like five six kills

i'm gonna yeah at some point yeah do you like the game i love it can i show you a gift yeah

somebody did something for you a friend of a friend of a friend made you an operator

how cool is that that's really cool isn't that cool yeah they should have that operator so here's the thing i think we

should start some kind of petition to get your bobby lee operator on the game look they do this with all other sports

uh games i have friends that are in other video games yeah how come you can't have an operator that's you

in the game and that looks good too yeah that looks good there's already a

korean woman in the game that's what this is no that's the uh they put my face on the russian guy's

body on the russian guy's body but actually that's you know this image can do you remember this image this is taken from

an actual image oh you know what that image is yeah that's me my first second headshot at

mad tv that's exactly right you shaved half of your head you were really cute i was cute what happened to me no you look good now now

you're it's just your um uh it's just your your your there's different things that are cute about you

that you didn't have back then like what your comedy confidence is better i think so yeah much more

yeah uh you're definitely more um comfortable in your skin there you go you i'm waiting for it yeah

i don't know what else are you waiting for me to be mean yeah i'm not gonna it's a nice day today

yeah i had a perspective on life because i got out of the hospital feeling were you scared because um i could covet

and all that stuff yeah now was the you went to the er right yeah now where were there

people with obviously everyone's wearing a mask in the lobby yeah they don't you they they let you in one at a time they let you in one at a

time are you sitting with anywhere near anybody else nope nope and are there people there for covid

when i went no they have they tell you which is crazy they go um do you or anyone you know in your

household have had covet symptoms or have had coveted self-diagnosed no okay they say today we have not had

any covet patients but we're required to tell you if we've had anyone come in here with cobit i said oh okay

they immediately took me in an isolated room met with a doctor told her my symptoms she was very cool she did a post-concussion test

are you wearing a mask at the whole time oh yeah you have to and gloves and face shield wow um they did a post concussed test to

make sure i'm not i didn't have concussion and then she did a bunch of blood work tons of blood work

you got to couch your eye out man i missed it's actually the cut is actually on my if you when you get close to me

you can see the cut hits my eyelid so i actually missed my eye by this much my god blacked out

yeah blacked out and she she was like just confused on the angle because i was

like oh my my neck hurts so i can't move my neck this much um she was wondering how i hit

the floor because that's what she was worried about what part of my head hit first when i went for the cat scan that's when i

started to get emotional because i got nervous i was like oh my god what if something happened but i'm fine it's an okay day and i'm back with you

and i feel good yeah i go to the hospital over the last um but i was nervous i'm not gonna lie

i've been in cdr so many times it's scary because of kalila well because she has a life threatening yeah she has a

heart condition yeah so i i've been to the hospital many many times she's never had a stroke has she no

what what do you mean people ca people have mini strokes no she's not gonna have no stroke do you know what a stroke is my dad died

from one yeah i do so what is it he uh he the he has high blood pressure

and and his veins and his brain all the veins that lead up to his brain are clogged and the blood can't get to

the brain right and then your blood your brain needs oxygen blood it starts where though what where does

this also the heart from the heart yeah so my question was valid i it's it's so i know i was trying to be

nice to you mm-hmm and i was gonna be no i was trying to be nice but that's my pet peeve when people

go treat me like i think you really think that i have some sort of mental deficiency

do you know what a stroke is explain it to me yeah because i know you don't know i do know my dad died from one if your

dad didn't die from it you wouldn't know did you know what a stroke was before your dad died a stroke yeah i of course i know what a [ __ ] stroke is i don't

know you don't know much there's a lot of stuff you don't know bob go ahead let it out

no this is retaliation for you being mean to me up talking about my injuries yeah you were bro bro i can't wait till

you pass out and get hurt

i don't have a lot of friends dino you know this right juliana knows this i

don't have a i don't talk to a lot of people right and um i have you know maybe four friends yeah

um you're a part of that infrastructure i know a friendship right it's very

difficult to get into that kingdom you know the kingdom is closed for um

enlightened hierarchy do you think it's because most people don't want to get in that kingdom anymore there's other ones available

maybe but but i still have a very strict dress code you have a dress code yeah

also you know philosophical code okay okay so it's like just imagine me being a kingdom right

you're being a gate a king i'm a king you're a king and there's a gate yeah and

people walk up knock knock knock hello can i be bobby's friend yeah and then

there's a you have to go into a room you take a test what's the test oh there's a mill do you know there's 10

questions pretty much there's 10 questions what are they um do you know what

what the first question is chicago pizza or detroit pizza chicago

there we go cat's number so i passed yeah you passed number one okay all right number two it's rolling stones or the

beetles neither trick question that's exactly what it is exactly what it is all right

right yeah number three um what is the most important area of the

genitalia the [ __ ] the taint or the head of the penis there's another

quick question it's all the above [Laughter] that's what i'm saying kingdom is

exclusive yeah it's very exclusive well i'm glad i'm your friend well there's also physical challenges i'll kiss you yeah yeah do you know

what's so funny is the one of the first times that we ever like started to talk to each other as in friendly conversation

you would kiss me yeah you're the first guy that i would go even on stage after we've done a couple of times where

uh andrews brought me up and aurora brought him up and i look in front of a pack room a couple hundred

people i'll look at andrew he'll bring me up bobby lee and i'll cross paths and i'll go and you'll just go i'll know better and

you'll kiss on my lips i gotta kiss you and people will laugh and i go and i don't even say anything about it you just walk right because that's

called he's in part of my kingdom you're the kid i'm in a kingdom right and so when i play warzone some of these kids i play

with they want to desperately get in there's the ones that are in there are so good

there's a husband and wife combination that we played with yeah yeah and they're both phenomenal phenomenal yeah i don't know

who's better her or him yeah yeah i mean i don't know because i'm not smart with that stuff yeah but they're very good yeah but

they're all bad friends fans no you're right right right i mean they are you should imagine imagine if

honestly yeah if you wanted to play the game and i'm not around yeah right literally play with them i mean

there's so many what you do is this what i did was like who can carry me

that's the question so when people message me on playstation people will go

i'm okay at it right you're out yeah you need to be very good there are people like raymie and josh

price and gus i'm probably one of the best out there i was i'm a tournament i'm like i was professional cod player two years

ago i was ranked you know i mean 123 in the world or whatever can they make money at that

i mean there's a guy i don't know what his name is but he makes what five million dollars a week playing video games oh a week something

like that yeah yeah what yeah do you know about this stuff rude no and here's this because you're a

comedian and because i'm bad i i honestly think that if we started a twitch a bad

friends and we played once a week for like five or six hours we could make money five million dollars

not five million dollars a couple grand is that guy good cool the five million dollar guy or

people just like there's a guy out there that makes so much money that like maybe 100 million a year or something on just playing yeah and he he's

really good we picked the wrong [ __ ] career i should have no because there are people in our our thing that make a lot of

money as well only a few bro nobody in our who's making a hundred million dollars

in our josh not josh josh rogan josh joe rogan does josh rogan joe rogan how much does he make he

makes a lot he doesn't make 100 million in comedy no way not even close yeah but his spotify deal was different thing

i mean that's a podcaster that's who we are we're podcasters

[Music] this is a product that we use here at bad friends that's right we're about to start selling merch to you guys we

already sell stuff online individually with our other shows and we are going to use ship station once again this is the fastest easiest and most

affordable way to manage and ship your orders as folks adapt to this changing world we're all going to be buying stuff more

online than ever before if you're an e-commerce seller and you're ready to meet the demands of our

new delivery culture be ready with shipstation be ready with shipstation if you're selling stuff online there's no reason not to use it

no matter if you're selling on amazon etsy your own website they bring you orders into one simple interface it's easy to

use and manage and they work with usps bob fedex who else ups

yeah amazon yeah no matter what you're selling etsy your own website et cetera et cetera et

cetera et cetera they're gonna do it ship station's number one choice of online sellers you'll ship more and less time with the best rates possible and available right

now bad friends listeners can try shipstation for free for 60 days when used to offer code bad friends make sure to

your business is ready meet the demands of delivery culture click on the microphone at the top of the home page type in bad friends shipstation.com enter the

promo code bad friends shipstation.com makeship happen

we all shop online do we not yeah constantly and we've all seen that promo code field taunt us for at checkout

yeah and all the time it's saying hey do you have a promo code to save money and you're like no because i don't use honey but if you use

honey all you have to do is have honey and at checkout the honey button drops it automatically

applies coupons for you for 30 000 stores online damn it honey supports

30 000 stores online they range from sites that have tech and gaming products to

pop to popular fashion brands and even food deliveries oh bobby loves

food delivery if you're if you're trying to find a coupon for something that you love i promise honey has it it's extremely simple

to get honey is easy to use 17 million members and they've saved over 2 billion dollars it's that easy if you don't have

honey you'll be missing out on free savings it literally just logs into promo code you don't have to do anything and it's free and installs

in seconds you're doing yourself a solid and supporting the bad friends show so get honey for free at joinhoney.com

bad friends everybody joinhoney.com friends i want to show you some this is why we're good friends somebody made

this but let me make a point real quick before you even do that

oh it's like the aha yeah video just a nice loop of us

bobby and andrew scooting through the hallway they're in love they're in love

bobby and andrew [Music]

i'm holding on to him we might fall over because there's an earthquake happening

i could die because i'm clinging on to a coward a [ __ ] cow or a [ __ ]

he don't know nothing you like that you're such a little dick

what you said to kello you did it you did you add it on yeah yeah andrew um

yeah andreas wants to um call you he wants to call me now yeah okay all right let's call this guy

i want you to say that again wait wait stop for a second say that again say what say it again andrew andreas

wants to call you

no say it again andrew andreas wants to call you oh thank you

and if you don't do that from now on they made a compilation of that yeah we do we have a compilation of you

not getting to the mic get closer to the mic stresses me out it does i know because it's too far away

[Music] hello hello

hi hi sweetheart hi

did you want to talk well yeah after our talk last well after your

show last week and i thought you guys talked about fashion and i think so i i bought you guys

something i have a gift for you rudy has it and you rudy can you give give it to them yeah

and i decided to share a little bit of like style with you guys oh my god thank you did you really buy

us a gift incredible yes i just sanitize it you don't need a

sanitizer tyson he sanitized it already oh my god andres oh andreas this is like

one of his your oh my god andres these are the european shirts insurance oh it's by design

look at that no you want to wear it yeah let's wear it from now on what is it this is called decidual

oh dude let's see wow oh wait say it again how do you say it in your language

this is so nice yeah i'm looking well can we show look you look at how unnecessary look at this

so this is the best part where is this from what country is this is from this from

spain so in spain look at this this is so spanish clothing first of all bobby has two shirts that they just made into one

right yeah and then so this is what they do look at what they do all the time yeah 84 so they took football numbers and put

it on a t on a shirt yeah and it's down here again just in case and look what it says here

love the world love love love yeah this is so nice positive energy

thank you positive energy thank you so much andres this is yours i have a fancy dish rack

now it actually looks good that's actually a cool shirt yeah

it's a little too small what size did you get bobby i think i i mean an anal

but it's a european now it's a european one it doesn't it's not small then it's a

little tight rudy is his shirt a little tight i think it's fine thank you yeah well

that's because she has residency at your house yeah thank you so much andreas we will get you a gift too one day

oh no that's that's no i really like it thank you so much okay okay thank you bye bye bye guys

well we've got our spanish shirts on do you like it it's not really that

spanish it looks like somebody that a homeless person in bangladesh

would wear you know i mean yeah like it you know it has this third world quality which i love

third world wear but you know it's it just feels like it's just patched together you can buy this

on the streets of calcutta yeah yeah meanwhile i think he told

like you're you're if you're with a prostitute in calcutta you need to get no no and you and you

you like come on the wall she gives you this to clean it off

i was to say if you got one in calcutta and you had a t-shirt on she's like you can't come in unless you have a collared shirt

go buy a three dollar oh yeah sure yeah that's that's what it is this is a calculator three dollar

prostitute shirt and then you you go to the store or write three dollars and you almost contemplate not even getting it and you're saying [ __ ]

oh god i don't even wanna have to wear that inside yeah rudy who's this more whose is better

and and rank it when i say better i mean which one do you do you hate the most okay i think

they're both pretty bad i think yours this is this is pretty bad excuse me say it in

the mic i think it's um tito andrews is the worst yeah it's pretty bad

yeah it's got football numbers on it right here and up here yeah this is pretty bad i haven't but

yours is just honestly it's just two shirts they threw away two shirts yeah it's the

left side of some guy's shirt and left got a dead guy shirt but honestly if i wore this in any kind of like um

business meeting and especially if i met people for the very first time embarrassing i'm probably not going to

get the job they they'd ask you to leave well i don't think they would ask me to leave but they would just be like you know when you know during the audition

or whatever they would do the smile but they would just be so distracted by they go yeah can we ask you something

yeah the shirt why did you choose is it because the character is it is that was a

character and the way i wear this that's your shirt yeah right this i get this in the spin oh is there

it's a good good script from e-design design honestly it looks it looks terrible and genuinely doesn't

do you any favors and if it's not part of the character i don't know why you wore that to the audition today well it's loud it's distracting it

doesn't make any sense well as a guessing director you should use your imagination my imagination is saying that i can't see you in any other normal clothes

because you have a really bad stupid shirt on right but if i get the job my acting skills are good the job is not going to happen there's no chance we're

going to give you the job yeah but the word there's no chance you would never get the job but you'll never get the job bye-bye bye

[Laughter] don't you miss going to bad auditions by the way i miss going in bombing

auditions i miss saying no i miss bombing auditions i miss saying i can't do it or making some excuse it

was so funny because there was a three-year period where i would make excuses it's just too hot every i know

i've got to take it i gotta take it off it's the worst that's bad it's very bad thank you andres thank you we'll keep it here we'll keep

it here [Laughter] how much are these i honestly i feel bad

i think they're expensive i know you gotta be real how about this you know what we should do what hey uh if any bad friends are out there

why don't you guys email uh us we'll sign them and we'll sign them and send them to you whoever we will randomly pick yeah we'll randomly pick

who gets the shirts and we'll sign them and we'll mail you we'll sign them the fancy be sure you're gonna do more than sign it though

well we'll write a message in it or something i don't know if you can really sign those that'd be hard we'll sign a bad friend's uh picture for

you but email us why don't you guys email us why you why you think you deserve the shirt yeah and do it at uh

badfriendsmail gmail.com badfriendsmail gmail.com we'll send somebody those beautiful andreas

de secure shirts oh yeah this is so funny so i when i was driving over here my

manager had texted me and she goes improv is doing some summer drive-ins in

irvine do you want to do 8 15 or 8 29 and watch what uh that's like saying

watch that's like saying like saying hey next week

are you typing this to your manager yeah so so she said that hey that's like saying hey next week

can you eat a bucket

of broken glass [Laughter] eight fifteen or eight eight twenty nine

yeah yeah yeah 8 15 8 15. pick a day yeah 8 15

or 8 29. you want to write one yeah all right

i'll say or hey hey hey next week next week week

yeah do you have time in your schedule do you have time wait do you have time i have time just say you have

time time two two visit this

visit this aids prison

eighth prison 8 15 or 80 there's going to be a certain aids prison in haiti yeah in 80.

8 15 or 8 20. 80 8 15 or 8 20. is she gonna be pissed off i don't give a [ __ ] because that is the

most ridiculous eight but there are people that probably go yeah i'll do it does she have fun

with you like that does she ever joke back no she's gonna go

she'll say something like a simple no would suffice oh so you don't have this kind of rapport with her i just sent it anyway

if you don't have that kind of report i don't understand or hey next week do you have time to

visit this aids prison in haiti 8 15 or 20. that's so mean i i got an offer saying

what if she fired you because of that she's like i don't want to work with you bro bro and i want to

say this i love abby my manager abby i've been with her since

i was an open miker a long time yeah 20 years ago longer

25 years ago and she used to when i couldn't pay rent or pay phone

bills or anything like that she would pay it that's huge and she would always look at me and she

goes i honestly because at that time she had two producers that she was managing she was managing steve skrovan

who did everybody's loves raymond wow and then um um warren hutchinson who was doing

executive producing with the bernie mac show so she was making pretty good money all right right so she would just pay my

[ __ ] and she'd just be like i know for a fact that you're gonna work one day and pay me back

and you did and so when um things started rolling and the bigger

management companies were going you know the big ones we're going hey we want to sign you

trust me tempted right you said no but i would never leave her wow what is she who's she with

she's just independent she's a woman that lives in venice right and she just has her she works out

of her house you've met her she's been to the house and she and she's just a sweet you know

that's really nice you stuck with her my first manager was not the same case who was your first i noticed dude who's

not around anymore oh yeah i mean as far as i know i don't know what he's doing but he would you know he kind of like coerced me into

a like into his company i didn't even know if i wanted to be represented because i was like i don't know what does he do what i don't really know if

he has any does he really put you out on stuff and i landed a job

and i had to pay him for i don't even think he i don't know if he got it for me or someone got it

for me and i had to pay him anyway but he would make me drive his checks to

his house or he'd stop by my place and pick up checks and he come by with his girlfriend sometimes it bothered me so much it was

so gross and weird that the second season when we got picked up it was a hosting job that i made them renegotiate the

contract so i didn't have a manager i didn't have anybody and he said and he said he was going to sue me he goes i'm going to sue you

for the sunset clause i didn't know what that was yeah yeah and i said you better sue yeah you better sue me for the sunset claus

i'll see you back yeah and he says he's gonna sue me for for the uh for the payment on the next year of that show

it's it's funny and i wasn't making any money it was an internet thing yeah it's like it's super petty

it's funny how people bamboozle you early on when you don't know much well you don't you you don't know any better i don't know what

i'm so stupid and vulnerable and i just thought i guess if you can get me in yeah but the job i landed i'll never forget

you know who's in that room sklar brothers um uh uh uh what's the guy who hosts uh

um not ben bailey not cash cab the other guy that hosts like everything like that we know him he's a comic

matt eisen do you not remember him love him no you don't know him he does like um he

does wipe out oh yeah yeah magnet matt and then and and then another big name and i remember walking into the room and going

i'm 23. i'm brand new nobody here knows me i'll never ever get this job there's literally no chance these are

all guys that have hosted stuff i've seen before she literally go this pam frasier shout out i don't know where she is now

she goes honey you funny you're funny but you're not good at hosting and i was like oh okay i've never done

it before i don't know i'm just a comedian yeah she goes we go figure something out two days later she calls me back

she goes come back in they want to see how funny you are so i went in there i just got told jokes

live on camera yeah in a green screen room i didn't even think i thought this was just maybe to just

let them know me and they gave me the job i hate like weird [ __ ] like you know johnny sanchez

yeah so johnny and sanchez and i auditioned for this mountain dew commercial yeah and so

it was a call back right so four people would go in at a time yeah and then another four so they were

gonna pick three out of you know i mean the eight sure that went in so they go eric all right everyone

back in the room so we all came in the back of the room and some white dude just walks up and goes in and out out out

and i'm and then john we were the ones that are out yeah and johnny and are like you could just set that in the hallway yeah you didn't do that in front why did

you call

yeah what do we say about the korean guy yeah but what people don't realize is that like

we had spent three we had gone back there the third two or three times thinking parking yeah

santa monica right yeah it takes hours to get there if you don't know la traffic forever and that you can't

find parking anywhere no right so you're gonna get a ticket and you're stressed out because you can't you're never gonna make it you're never go yeah and then you you spent all these

hours doing it just so that somebody go out to your [ __ ] face in in

out yeah and looks in points at you like you're like i've been in before yeah right and when when they say in the

best i look at the outs and go loser i always do that bye

take it easy yeah is it what's the best when you got a call what was the best

job you got when you got that one that little that one that one that's the most exciting job you've ever had yeah you know why

why because it got me that's the i quit my day job that day it was the day i got to finally never work in a day job again i hung up the

phone i ran down the stairs and i ran on mid wilshire you i can't make this up from the e

building where that is that's where i used to work across the street all the way down all the way down

to vineland no sorry to what whatever lost philly's boulevard

whatever that is yeah louisville's boulevard right there high highland or no no hill hillhurst whatever road

ran all the way down sat there realizing i just ran out of the office

smiling laughing oh such is it the greatest oh

felt so good i never stopped running i just ran and ran and then i called my mom and i was like i'm never gonna have to work a job ever again i'm not gonna have

to worry oh my god that joy it felt so real can i tell you my best yeah what is it

so i get a call say from um sasha baron cohen's people that they want to do a table read for

the movie the dictator right and i go table read

yeah i mean they're just calling every comic and actor you're not gonna get the part thanks

yeah but so i i show up and it's one of those things where you don't read it oh and you go it's just

gonna be in our office who gives a [ __ ] right but then you show up and you realize oh there's an audience

yeah right so we're all on stage and if you look at the audio i'm not kidding you larry david gary shandling judd apatow

everybody just taking notes yeah they're all taking notes like they everyone in the industry and i'm sitting

there when nick crowell was there ran a zizzi just a bunch of [ __ ] people we're all everyone's has a part

and i'm just playing the part that i played in the movie right yeah so i just do it and

i leave this is probably the greatest moment in show business so larry charles who directed the movie

yeah gary shandling sasha they're all like sitting on this patio outside these two doors but people are

walking out and they're talking and i walk by them and gary goes gary

shanley goes stop you kid stop and i'd go what

and he turns to them and goes you should give that guy that part that guy killed it wow and i go oh i

just you know yeah you tried to play humble you go with that i don't know if it works it works right right right

and i remember i got in the car tears yeah tears people don't realize that

something like that because you i i was you know i feel like a loser all the time

yeah not being real no no i'm saying yeah yeah you get defeated yeah you just feel like a

loser that nobody wants you that you're never gonna really make it right

and so when you get a simple yes like that yeah it means a lot right you can start you start

fantasizing too and dreaming right gary and i are gonna hang out yeah yeah never sell them again but you know

i mean and just tears and you just like you know and i i want one of those wins features

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first pair right i've had better like when larry david hired me for curb that was huge yeah that made me feel how

you just felt like oh my god i made larry david laugh yeah but the reason that that first job meant so much to me is because i finally could

quit my day job and i finally got to be a comic from then i was a kid who worked at a desk

and then at night at a comedy but couldn't take off she didn't they didn't let me leave i had to work this job to

pay rent yeah mommy and daddy weren't going to pay my rent so i just didn't have a choice but it's like that with first love too

definitely right when you like have a crush on somebody

and they don't reciprocate right um and you don't mean the 24 hour every day

just thinking about them and just being emotionally just crazy then you go i don't deserve them i guess

i'm too ugly and stupid have you ever asked someone to a dance and they said no oh so many times boom yeah just broke my

soul honestly a girl that quite frankly i was like you're not even that hot i brought a girl to prom yeah and i brought her there

i never saw her again i was her uber driver yeah it was a white girl i have a

[ __ ] problem photo at home blonde hair yeah she's like that she just walks up thanks bye i'm gonna go hang with my

friends well she just no she didn't even say that thanks close the door and she just went into the prom and i'm in the car stacey how'd you get

here that weird korean guy dropped me off yeah you thought you you he liked you did you think you like it

yeah yeah yeah that's so mean i asked a girl to go to a dance and she said i think i'm waiting for someone else to

ask me yeah and i was like ow and i picked her because i thought it'd be easier i'm like she's not even that good looking

she just texts back my manager okay she goes i was just asking because some

people are just dying to get out there no pun intended and they're doing these drive-ins i agree with you that it's not

worth it but i had to ask i don't think there's an aids prison in haiti there's two of them

and there's two of them there's two of them there's two of them wait can i by the

way i don't know if i've said this before do you know my claim to fame of going to a dance with someone in high school was i went with

do you remember brett michaels had a reality show called rock of love where he picked vaguely yeah okay the girl that won the

first season was a good was a friend of mine in high school and we went to a dance together and my mom sent me a picture he goes

she goes she's sorting out old pictures goes who is this girl i'll show you who she is yeah this is her

yeah i went to pr we went to we went to a dance together i don't know which dance we went to but oh she was more of this blonde look

when we were in high school together this was when she got on tv with brett michael she did the rock and roll pink hair yeah she's a

super [ __ ] cool girl and she seems cool she was dope as [ __ ] but we went to a dance together and she was a mega babe

and then she was the first person that i knew in my group of friends that like made it made it yeah exactly i was like

whoa she made it she's uh with brent michaels i was blown away i was like holy [ __ ]

what is she a billionaire now yeah was she worth eight billion dollars yeah but it was a reality show that i didn't even i didn't even

understand i didn't know what it was i was like oh what did she win i don't know you know who darren carter is come on

the party the party's okay so there's a comment i know who he is darren carter he's a redhead as well and he's they call him darren carter the

party starter he calls him that he calls himself yeah right he does so when i was an open miker in san diego

he was a doorman at the comedy store in la jolla he was yes you know he worked la jolla he lived in san diego i do know that i didn't know

he worked la jolla yeah he did so he was a doorman there right and um he brought me to this coffee shop to do an open mic and i

always thought he was a nice guy i love you very nice so much i still like him so that he moves to la i'm stealing it down there right and i'm

watching some cw or warner brothers show right and he has a line i was just in

the random sitcom and the doorbell rings some guy answers it and darren cars are going pizza

and they go yeah thanks and the door closes for a week i couldn't sleep why

i know that guy i know derek oh my god

losing your mind lose telling people around he's famous you know the guy that was at the [ __ ]

doorman at the [ __ ] la hoya comedy store i know him i know him like bragging about it he's

the pizza guy on the cw yeah yeah and then when i saw him again yeah i got nervous hey well they did that

how's la treating you yeah i hear you're doing good good things right and he was just

like what the [ __ ] is wrong with you i had one line in a w yeah mr humble over here

when does your emmy come in the mail do my dad embarrass me so much the first

time so the first time i ever saw a famous person was in downtown chicago when i was a kid at an ice cream store and it was the mom

from um the mom from uh uh uh fred savage show what's wrong with me yeah what can

i think of it uh uh what's wrong with the wonder years wonder years yeah and she signed a napkin for me that was

the first time the second time i ever saw someone famous yeah i didn't want to say hi because i thought it was so tom selleck in the

airport whoa check this out yeah my dad i go dad it's tom selleck and he goes where

right there right there like right like right you know like 20 feet away yeah and he goes holy [ __ ] tom schillick

no tom selleck turns he goes what's up and tom stella goes hello and my dad goes right on

now

[Laughter]

now what you do is i cuz i still get like that with people yeah but if i if i'm at an airport and i

see them then i become an extra like i don't know what it is my defense mechanism

mechanisms come out so i'm not like that i could become more douchey almost well because you don't know how to act sometimes

i could be a huge fan yeah and think about what's up and i could be like hey but meanwhile i would suck that

guy's dick right meanwhile you know you're just pretending inside right yeah because you just you don't know how to act i don't

know what actually it's only because you if i don't admire someone if i don't think they're amazing if i'm not like whoa that guy or that girl is so good at what

they do if i just see someone that's famous i usually just you know okay whatever yeah but if i

like them then i get my brain changes oh my god if i'm like [ __ ] i really think they're good at what they do like when sebastian monoskalko

he would i kept asking him because when he was in that uh the irishman he was saying one night he said that um

joe petchey like after they were done shooting a scene goes hey come to my trailer i have a chef

i'll cook your meal and it's insane like all right he shows up it's like a a full-blown

chef yeah like a real [ __ ] he's in joe petchey's trailer eating a steak right and in my head i'm

like wow you know that's how they live that's how they look and then like he was saying that

you know when you work with dinero de niro was just like hey i heard you doing great things in the comedy business and

gave him a hug oh right cool like those little moments yeah i don't know if i would be able i think

i would just melt yeah i do when i was walking from set to lunch with larry david i had nothing good to say i love that

guy by the way love was a nice guy i had nothing good to say so i was nervous i was nervous i never get nervous yeah but it's larry

it's different you know what i mean it's like he's the one he's the one so i'm walking to lunch with him and i'm

silent and he's like uh you're good you did good in the scene i was like oh thanks like he's trying to

start conversation because we're walking together yeah and i was like thank you very much

and you can tell he's pulling teeth yeah oh man and then he goes he goes

jeff said you do stand up garland right i go yeah yeah would you stand up together at the comedy story he goes awesome yeah yeah like go keep going

what are you doing i got i didn't know and then what are you doing you're better than that no he but he's but it's larry

because i think anything i'm gonna say he's gonna be like what shut up like i'm afraid he's gonna be like you're an idiot don't say that

don't ask me that so i just kind of kept quiet then we sat when we sat at lunch then jeff showed up and it made me feel better because jeff

you know jeff hey hey love yeah that's full of life i love that guy he

took care of it for me and then i started talking and got normal but i was nervous around larry larry's a [ __ ] he's a comedic king so to me

i don't want to say the thing where he goes to a party one night or is with a friend and goes yeah you know what that kid said some

dumb [ __ ] to me on the way to lunch yeah it was really annoying because i did the show season five when the show was more

popular and um oh my god and you know what it got less popular after you did it do you think that was a con do you think

that was a coincidence you think that was a coincidence stop that might be damaged from the earthquake

why am i so mean to you i actually asked the doctor that yeah why i said should i look for any signs or symptoms of of brain damage and she goes

you'll know you'll know oh yeah so that i think that's it no coco

coco that's not it ask me a question let's see if i can solve it real fast go i want a riddle no okay yeah i'm being

real yeah i'm a riddle yeah don't say [ __ ] riddle me this batman so

listen to me a grandfather got it his father and his grandson

right a grandfather yeah his father and their grandfather his son and his

grandson so grandfather his son and his grandson

okay they go fishing okay you know this one no okay they go fishing you're right

and they're in one car okay on their way back they get in a car accident oh no yeah

the grandfather and his son they die of course the grandson is still alive but he needs

surgery right he's in the emergency room right he needs surgery right away the

surgeon walks in and says i can't operate on this boy he's my son

what happened the doctor's father and

grandfather took his son out fishing

what are you saying i think i got it no that's not it what are you talking about the surgeon walks in the grandfather and

his son is dead the grandson's still alive the surgeon goes i can't operate on this boy he's my son what happened

i can't operate in this boy he's my son but you're saying his dad and his granddad died in a car accident yeah

this mom has been sleeping around yeah this mom's a [ __ ] so you think that's what it's a horror riddle you think that's what it is it's

a riddle yeah that's not the answer what is it you don't want to give up i think you're being too vague i think we're missing a

detail no we're not it's very simple the surgeon thinks it's his kid no

because because he's been knocking with knocking boots with this girl this woman is a [ __ ] no that is

happening what is it the answer yeah the search is his mom

and that's sexist you're sexist and that's sexist yeah and that's the the reason why you ask that riddle is

because you're a sexist person that's funny that i assumed it was a man i know but most people assume it's a man that's why it's a public riddle

you can say that nobody got it i guess i guess the first time no you didn't why i know you did it why are you

blushing because i can't it isn't interesting i did i know i i couldn't figure it out well cause you think you go the surgeon

guy walks in yeah yeah did you say man no i said surgeon walks in i can't operate on this boy he's my son

why can't she operate on the boy just because it's her son because it's a law you can't operate on your own family member because you'll give them better

attention yeah no i guess that's a thing that's a bad law

it's in the riddle in that world i don't [ __ ] know it shouldn't be my side i don't like the law first of all if you're let's see let me

ask you this right dear surgeon right and you have to operate on her would you be too nervous to do that or

would you just get let's say you have another friend who's just as good as a surgeon as you

would you rather have him do it or you do it me

why because i know why i'm going to save my wife's life dude scalpel dude

i i wouldn't be able to do it she's dead i wouldn't be able to do it no i don't think so either i would be so nervous i wouldn't want to operate on my family no

i wouldn't want you you'd be so nervous yeah because if you killed you drop a scalpel in the [ __ ] inside the bottle right you're digging

up you know with the organs to get the scalpel it's like flying like [ __ ] a pizza roller

yeah yeah meanwhile like cloud eye opens what are you what are you doing you're right and you have her like long inner

[ __ ] pancreas in her your hand go back to sleep the scalp went inside your body yeah that would be

terrible yeah yeah you know rudy would be like i've got this and fix it in like two seconds no

she makes sashimi yeah with her [ __ ] knife put our little plate with wasabi did you order more knives

no do you want to let's get her another knife

yes rudy more knives

[Applause] yeah why not yeah you yeah you would get

her another knife there's room by the way your popularity is growing so much a friend asked about you a friend who's a fan of the show

he's like rudy is so funny and she doesn't even try to be funny i said i know that's bad friends rude and she and he said uh does she have like a big

following now in instagram she's like 20 some odd thousand followers 22. she knows 22 000. yeah okay so

she's making a mark in comedy faster than she thinks first of all i know a dude right who was on a tv show yeah right

who has been grinding for 25 years in this business yeah who has 15 000

followers i'm not kidding that's so mean and she has i know and so i i told her the other

day i go because she has two instruments instagram accounts private she has a private one that has 100 followers right that's her

family friends island friends that's for your island friends for island friends right and i'm just like i just put it all in

one because the whole point of instagram is to brag no but the island friends know the other they follow the other

account did they follow the other account no i don't want them to know oh yeah

she wants to keep it private maybe bad rudy that's not her real name yeah maybe bad rudy her [ __ ] uh instagram

account is her u.s persona that's right this is rudy is rudy's united states girl she's like in

in in cebu she's bruce wayne but in america she's the dark knight she's the darkest of the

knights yeah she's the darkest of the knives she's the darkest knife the darkest knife ladies and gentlemen the darkest night

the darkest night but so you have 22 22 000 people are following you i wonder if now opportunities are going to open

up after pandy's done maybe she can host something what if she gets offered what's that's

here's the thing i'm trying to get her out of her shell do we take pro commission on anything she likes well

no i'm trying to get her out of the show because she doesn't like to talk that much yeah or even around the house like she'll be

laying there like what have i been doing lately what do i have saved up in the in the in the closet

you've just been doing video games no but the thing that i'm trying to make a ball of what

boogers bob why what do i have in the in the closet you

have i don't know five or ten boogers and you're trying to make it into a ball

you're trying to make a booger ball bud yeah are you really and it's right now

worth it oh it's like it's you're gonna get it if you don't i'm sticking her mouth what do you think about that hey

no i'm being real yeah yeah okay good if he if he does it then i'm also going to do

it you're going to do it back to him yeah you're playing with fire kids she also has knives around the house that's

why i haven't done it because you're afraid of the knife yeah what if she what honestly what if she comes back and starts hurting you you

don't think she's capable because i do i really do i think that would be a proper end to this life if rude killed you i think

that'll be a fantastic story how many times do you think you've um lived oh

probably hundreds of times hundreds if not thousands yeah which life haven't you lived yet that you're wait that you're excited for

well if this is my show business life this is not good enough but um it is good enough i think that uh

i want to do like a primitive life right like a tribe like people part of a tribe what part of the tribe

would you be gathering a gatherer fruits and nuts and stuff so you would be out gathering and making

i'd be making like water moccasins and whatnot um a little seamstress would you stitch and

sew yeah i'd be the tribe [ __ ] you'd be slutting yourself out to everybody yeah the gay i

would have to be a man and after the the great hunt but you'd be very effective with the buffalo yeah after

the great haunt i'm just laying on my belly in a tent right and i put like animal fat animal fat

right because it's like a natural lube i'll just take you know buffalo animal fat right and just

rub it just jam it into my butthole right just lay on my stomach right and get some boys

you'll make like a [Music]

my my cousin or whatever would have tickets yeah but the tickets are made of park yeah

come on right and they would come in and and oh you get you get

two minutes there's a hundred people in trouble and one guy's keeping keeping clock yeah he comes and goes all

right yeah you're like and they come out like almost disappointed

yeah because the further the line goes it right they're like the 80th guy he comes out he's like too loose

because imagined right yeah 79 dog eyes have already been in there yeah too loose couldn't come no

no no oh

i know what you would do too right you would take two [ __ ] i know you would do you would take two [ __ ] like buffalo bone

yeah and put it on my ass cheeks to make it squeeze it together like this and you would just try to just get some

friction there right right [Laughter] [Music]

wow let's live that life let's live that let's live that life i haven't lived that one um yeah that i have not lived was

another life i want to be i want to be back in like the i want to be back just one time in kings

and queens like 15th century type of [ __ ] oh yeah so bad i want to be a jester i want to be a little court jester

yeah and i want to hang out in my little lounge with the other artists and i'm going to i want to eat eat eat whatever food they give us and

drink and be drunk all the time and they go out there and they're like and you get out there and i'm like and do a little dance and then i like and

they beat me they beat you every night but they still love you you know yeah but they're not going to kill you they don't care they don't kill the gym in

the same castle you're in with me yeah i'm the castle [ __ ] you're still casually okay you're a [ __ ] in another life i'm still there hello welcome welcome

you know i mean i'm still doing the same thing have you visited the [ __ ] upstairs and you're like hello boys

yeah and you're beautifully draped by the way you always have the nicest clothes in these other lives yeah i would i want a simple life you want no

one of them has to be very simple like a butcher a cobbler a shoemaker a footmaker or like something that i'm good at

one thing i want you know what i see you as a fisherman yeah that would be a nice yeah that was

a night yeah show the fish to the village and they go yeah yeah yeah every day yeah you go out

there you catch some fish you come back you cook you talk god imagine though back in the day

when like a fisherman got like lupus or you know someone's disease or

or they got or they got cancer well when they didn't know what cancer was you they didn't even know what it was

yeah you had stomach cancer and there's like no medicine really yeah they just say so for a year you're

just like ah you know oh my god you know what they do with a fisherman they put them out on a

boat and they just push them out to sea and they're like they don't do that yeah they do bye and then when you go bye

i don't want you to spread the disease to the town ah push you out to sea or like when they used to just [ __ ]

burn people alive that's terrible isn't it but they would just go anything which remember back then

which which okay she's like i'm just you know yeah i'm clean i'm sweeping i'm sweeping the

and they would just tie you you know what the [ __ ] was going on oh my the horrors they would just pick people to kill i

know they just really wanted to kill you anything that was different could you imagine me and you in a town back then they would kill us

immediately yeah the korean guy and the red-headed boy oh i always think um imagine freaks do

you imagine this you and i we're time travelers right yeah yeah and you and i are wearing cowboy

hats and we're just galloping into deadwood okay all right you're at the lead

and we walk into the saloon right you know how the piano guy stops and everyone just turns right and you

know i mean i'm still on your back yeah all right and you go hey man i go hey fellas here to grab us a

drink yeah we love whiskey got whiskey you guys have any whiskey in this bar we would be hung just right now like cut to the next

scene just dangling from it yeah oh my god we

caught these two we caught these two gay boys rolling into town kissing and hugging on each other

was a chinese boy yeah the other one was a freak a red-headed freak oh speaking of my freakness

i had to look this up the doctor was asking me do i have any um allergies to medications and i said not

really that i know of but my pain tolerance for medication is pretty high my tolerance is high

and she was like oh yeah redheads do you know about this we can handle 20 percent more

uh tolerant level for for painkiller stuff like that we need 110 of anesthesia anesthesia

anesthesia because we slip out of it all the time so if i get surgery and they don't juice me up i'll just like you said with a

scalp i'll just wake up in the middle of it in the middle of surgery i can wake up they say it happens in red heads all the time i think it's the lord's way of saying

get rid of these people no i think the lord's way is saying we're going to make this particular

group of people look sick yeah but we're going to give them strong

resilience ah you know yeah there's a yin and yang to everything what's your yen because i know what your

yang is what's my egg i know what your hair what's my egg man i know you oh tell me where my hand

is got a couple of gangs i don't know which one's which yeah yeah what is yin and yang what's that i have

no [ __ ] idea isn't that weird that nobody knows it's just the opposites that balance each other right yeah that's life

life is yin and yang life is ying yang um i know you're a big fan of ellen and i'm sorry to hear all the

ensuing news about her being called out you know

first of all i don't know her you're a big fan big friend big fan i'm not a friend you know her very well

she produced the show i was on last year yeah i know you didn't meet her and i never met her no no uh you see she got called out but

these are things i've heard those things you know it's you know i've said this before and i'll say it again

there are certain things that go around with that you hear you know yeah i've heard things um

for years and then it comes into a reality one day like the allen thing there's many things

yeah you know um and um some of them you don't believe

some of them you go there's that's valid the rumors um there's some big hollywood

stars that have weird little rumors that people don't talk about but you just kind of know

it's it's said you know yeah and sometimes they don't come out right but with ellen you i did hear

certain things like um you couldn't lock eyes with her couldn't look her in the eye i thought i heard that but i thought

that was [ __ ] yeah but that had hurt that yeah but it sounds like [ __ ] yeah like how do you work with some

like a boss yeah i don't care what i mean get me a latte you're like okay what

size it's just like she shows you you're like oh [ __ ] yeah she puts it right over her face

just to test you yeah you're looked yeah i've heard that but they called her out they said it was

abusive behavior um uh and then it got turned into one of the producers is getting in trouble for

being you know creepy to whatever the people cast to to people that work there but it's funny because i i'm thinking um

ellen doesn't know what's going on inside of her stable i don't know maybe she knows what she does and then

brad garrett came out today and was like yeah she's not nice i was like wow brad get this

really i was like he's quiet usually about a lot you know what i mean all i know about ellen is because um do

you know who jeff lala is i don't jeff lala runs the addison improv

okay all those improvs in texas sure and he's been in the comedy industry for 35 years

and one day we were doing press in the morning and i'm like so what big comics did you

hang out with back in the day in the early days and he goes ellen and i go oh really ellen degeneres yeah

i would drive her from city to city like she would do one night you know in houston sure and i would get in the car

and i would drive her and we would hang out and i go what is she like he's like she was always hard-working yeah very funny yeah she

never complained she never complained because she knew no so you think she's a woman in the 80s

difficult who's who's gay who's gay but doesn't can't come out can't come out yeah difficult right um

in in a male dominated industry totally right and um she had to

jump over certain hurdles that we we might not have had to jump over i

know that i know that um as an asian guy i've had to jump over a lot of hurdles that

others i don't complain about them i just know that they were there right sure and so um and then she became

one of the biggest stars on planet earth i don't know what it's like to be what

it's like to be her yeah i say that i think that i don't i don't walk her shoes i don't know anything

i'm not there but if the but if it's true that you can't look around the eye that's [ __ ] insane that's what i mean if it's stuff like

that i'm like what that's crazy if it's just like when somebody goes they're mean to me i'm like lots of people are mean to you yeah

what do you like yeah what i mean i've read things that i'm mean

you in what regard like like well i met him he was not nice to me or you know and then it's like you don't

remember you're like i don't remember that's because the interaction went like this uh i'm you and you you're an adoring fan

say hi to me on the patio this is i'm you and you're the fan go ahead hey dude [ __ ] hey what's up man

how are you huge fan man thank you very much um so we got to go to that and you're just talking to somebody else

and then that guy goes [ __ ] bobby lee didn't even [ __ ] give me the time of day right

but you were already talking to somebody else yeah so it's kind of like people can just say you're people can just say that you're a dick

just because they like you and they didn't get from you what they wanted oh one time i did which is super [ __ ]

selfish in in i was in chicago in um in february no i was at the

schomburg improv oh yeah and um i did a meet and greet and

three days later i get an instagram message from a woman going hey i just want you know my my husband

hasn't slept in three days and i'm like what happened right and she

goes because he didn't me you were you were talking to somebody and he made some sort of asian joke and then

you just kind of turned your head like he have completely offended you you probably didn't even hear it i don't

remember any i don't know what the [ __ ] she's talking about yeah yeah so he's like what's up chang in new yeah i

wasn't even hearing it i was doing something else so maybe you know with ellen it could be a lot of that i don't know i wasn't

there so many could you imagine how many times people have said something to you that they think they said wrong and you didn't even

it didn't register the people just say stuff and you're like i don't know man i'm doing especially when you're doing 15 things

you're meeting people and you're yeah i know i take a picture and do all that stuff someone could be like hey man i'm your biggest fan you're like thanks man

and that guy's like that's it we live in a strange world where people know the gossip is

black magic no it is it is you know gossip is the worst thing

our society does because it's you it's always like there's lies and opinions

that are threaded through gossip yeah because it's one yeah yeah so the truth becomes muddled right truth it doesn't exist it doesn't

even exist just because it turns into this thing what people think and it's that's what social media is

yeah twitter people accuse people of things and it's like we live in a very

dark alternative reality i think it's people are bored and tired and the pandy has made people angry as [ __ ] and

they're broke and they don't have a job and so this is an outlet to go [ __ ] you or [ __ ] you or i like this and

i hate this yeah a lot of our friends in comedy have been doing um jimmy kimmel guest hosting and bob

and i submitted and uh we didn't get it and we were

jealous because a lot of people got it you know sebastian got it eliza eliza

whitney um uh what other comics did it um but dude it doesn't matter we

submitted it it hurts me that we didn't get i know but we're not them it doesn't matter we submitted a

good tape yeah but we're it's like saying um hey youtube not even you two coldplay got

something and it's like fugazi didn't i know but fugazi is

cooler we put in a lot of work fugazi's cool just on its own and you two is cool on its own yeah yeah whatever let them be okay well

anyway we submitted some tapes we submitted it personally it's fine yeah i slept

it didn't sleep no yeah it's ruined it's honestly the fact that they emailed back and said no thanks lol yeah anyway i guess we'll show it

um hey everybody okay today i o jimmy kimmel

i don't i don't want to do this bob i don't want to do this i don't i don't want to do it

jimmy kimmel he uh he's not gonna host the show for a while so i i'm going to

uh try to get the job there to do the whole things you have to [ __ ] do it i can't

believe i don't know what to say give me your [ __ ] idea give me any joke to say i do comedy too shut the [ __ ] up

okay here we go hey alive around the world is uh the world is absolutely insane right now what's

going on around the world uh hey everybody talking bang here oh boy what go ahead in the world right now

it's crazy it's 150 million a thousand people died from corona

and boy melania trump i i do i [ __ ] her i [ __ ] you gotta make it uh g ready

it's for network tv so oh okay so i saw it they said oh boy what going around this town right now

holy moly [ __ ] 150 000 million people died from kovit 19 donald trump wife melania i

i stick

there was a guy who was raising sea turtles and check this out and he's selling them

uh he's selling them at uh two shells of pop

he's he's uh this guy's getting he's getting a killer deal on that uh

don't talk about the maloney

they matter and you know you go to the protest right you stood sign do not do that to

the black right and you know one time i went to protest and i saw a woman while protesting with

her when she looked like uh you know milani no not the president's

wife no but she did not do it was not her because this was in l.a

so this is not her but she looked like okay she looked like maloney so she protesting black lives

i was getting 22 like a black lives getting to the right and then i hit

like this her hip right and i look at her i go you know one day you and i could go no

stop saying you're gonna have sex with the president's wife she's not there okay yeah yeah yeah

okay okay my god what's going on with the ui2k

the y2k man 2000 everything is going to be wipeout

there's a um

we're never going to get this gig if you do that so rudy um has a poem she wrote

i'm going to read your poem yes you're going to read her poem and if you didn't write it you're going to have to make one up i don't have you said you were going to

write a poem so you're going to write a poem about the butterflies write it write it about it write it right now about it

filipino butterflies and knives yeah um hey hey don't ever uh oh

you're gonna make that you're gonna make papa mad i don't have the poem you better just make it up right now because we asked you to make up a poem

and you didn't do it okay okay yeah

roses are red yeah they are violets are blue yeah

the philippine butterfly yeah [Music] is this beautiful

i see you thank you for being a bad friend

[Music]