Andrew Schulz Knows Rudy is a Spy | Ep 125 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends you are these two idiots why dude i'm an asian dude

you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends

[Music] do you look different yeah next level you look next level i'm

italian it goes to italy gets more italiano yeah first of all i know what i see on your

wrist shoulders what is that i know what it is it's a little something bro what is it a little something bobby doesn't

know about watching business bobby what is that fancy watch yeah how much money you're experiencing

it's more than your car well i see diamonds on it no diamonds no diamonds diamonds yeah but there's like

it's like it's like uh shiny it is shiny yeah what makes it shiny the silver yeah

let me ask you a question let me ask you a question what makes it shiny let me just silver

what makes it shiny let me say yes let me ask you questions about it right because i don't know much about it right

neither do i i'm a fraud all right so is it um stainless steel it's steel yeah it's a stainless steel because that's

the good stuff right no no they lo they want it to stain now all they do yeah stain steel all right everybody likes stained steel all right does it have a

does it do does it multi

does it is it waterproof yeah oh that's a very good one yeah does it do date obviously

you got to tell me your name again i'm rudy nice to meet you rudy jules yeah this is

andrew schultz wait your name is really rudy jules no it's joe's but you made it up but i made it up because rudy giuliani little jewels little jewels

queen in new york this is the king of new york you're meeting right here say god bless good to meet you good the king of new york dude it's king of [ __ ]

new york right there i want you to be really sure you're king of [ __ ] new york and you're not even what what did you say because she saw

you on twitter okay so she thought you'd he'd be short yeah cause i saw him on tick tock how tall are you i i have a

short uh upper body torso how tall are you charles six two so we're similar in height people will say to me when they

see me live oh i thought you'd be shorter because i think tall people don't look tall on are you all legs or

do you have torso i'm pretty luggy yeah me too dad's pretty like when we sit down we look small yeah look look at me

and i'm almost you know me and the marshmallows

we thought you'd be much taller yeah bobby we haven't spoken since since what since your whole thing since you're

free because you know because she is the niece she doesn't give a [ __ ] so we gotta we

gotta are you a spy yeah she's around she's a [ __ ] no i'm not you can't get away

but what's wrong with you you keep inviting them behind enemy i know dude get her out of here no i know i was

thinking maybe she shouldn't be here but don't think dude i know but think she's going 15 years to get out of that

relationship i know i know yeah but you know what this is his tactic what is it he keeps

the enemies close so so he can lose you don't know his plan

he doesn't want to lose some he wants to lose by the way huh so korean yeah just keep him up north like haven't been your

neighbors he lives downstairs they live upstairs it's really strong we live in the same

way are you guys still in that same place yeah in the same hill he plays yeah but she is also we sleep on the

same bed what this is but but it's a double it's pushed together they just separated no

it's not no we sleep on the same bed what i do is i have a long pillow yeah and i just put it between us yeah

yeah yeah what does that do oh a long pillow oh my god i thought you were saying like an asian sound yeah like

yeah long fellow like did i say wong pillow no i thought it was like long pillows i said long pillow i was spelling it l-u-o-n-g oh

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah from the makers of long pillows one pillow yeah yeah she really just is

here to judge right like he's just looking at you and making sure you're sad i mean i didn't think that we would talk

about it so you have something i mean he's almost free yeah do you know

what i mean but you guys still live in the same place why can't you guys be best friends imagine you guys would be best friends and you have your own

places and she can do her thing and you can do your thing she is gonna right is that the plan i think so you don't

don't know what's going on yeah you're part of the plan are you part of the plan

do you have she talked to you about it maybe oh

she only knows you can't smell arrests words you

she got more asian as time went on now on the show i think what it is can i be honest with you please i think she's she

thinks that you're cute mm-hmm just hear me out okay theory right yeah and she's listen

look at this and she's a little intimidated by you i think look at that right there no his

almost what he's what just say it he's a comic he can handle it his nose is too big his nose is too big that's true it's

cartoony yeah yeah that's true yeah it's just covers your whole face i

can't see your eyes yeah yeah wait a minute hold on a second you said it it covers my whole face you

can't see my eyes so you you like people with big eyes yeah i just want someone that has equal

don't say hearts proportions you guys are the biggest eyes yeah don't say you're into big eyes

you're into slightly less than white eyes and if we're looking at each other i

have much bigger eyes oh let me see rudy look at me with big wide big eyes go big guys shelters big

guys i mean i can i'm here and i'm bigger yeah it's a little better double yeah yeah i'm double big me rudy look at this yes

yeah no that's still him you still don't know you still chance yeah no don't be irritated like your face is like like

this like chill out like yeah get it get get out get her get her

no but like what's the this is fun i like this this is you can't have fun if there's someone in the corner like

yeah yeah that's her natural is it like are you like into the ick is that your thing no it's just my face i

don't know it's your voice too yeah it's the whole thing

it's the whole thing and it needs to [ __ ] stop why it's too much

like how long has she been in america what's the deal like three years she's been in america oh you're new she's new american brand new oh yeah she doesn't

know the rules she doesn't know the rules she doesn't know what it is do her face thing the american face

thing yeah yeah so everything is like bright yeah do the american face thing right but like even can you pause like that stay like that

i'm going to show you what you look like looking at me okay and then i want you to assess the comfort of the people that

see you because yeah yeah that'll be fun just look just like that okay

i'm i'm not what i'm going to do is go ready hold on okay

yeah okay so this is what i've been looking at since i got yeah yeah yeah right so i'm already

feeling like you're like but i'm not judging you you said the big donation even the

donation we're going to do everything i'm not joking it's like this i'm not judging you i'm

not judging you she can't do that she's

you're in america now everything's easy you just go like this you go like this you sit back you relax can you do your

like do your legs like you put your legs down put your legs down your legs that count can you cross your legs there you go

that's good that's good bring the mic a little bit closer look how you're smiling already right

now how do you feel about the juice

the noses [Music]

no i'm not yeah so it's fine to say your nose is big oh i love it very smart very smart it all

comes around i actually appreciate the honesty when you were in the bathroom he thought you were jewish he said you're not [ __ ] jewish no no he's

driving right yeah other side yeah probably they're probably jewish

maybe maybe you know my family moved to chicago what yeah nobody's in new york no no my family

moved from prussia to chicago precious russia now it's

germany right and precious russia yes that's where they make pressure stalls you know a little bit

and um and then from chicago to new york

so oh okay got it so back in the day there's some speculation you moved there and you're like oh might not be the best

to be jewish i'm catholic right is there a history we would have kicked you out it had our way with you

pal keep moving along bud is there a uncle or grandfather that was funny in your

family that you kind of take after i think my dad was funny what are you doing

and is there anything in your past anyone from your past that you that people remind you you know your family

members reminded them of i love you what the [ __ ] are you doing man even when you're asking questions it's

about you it's always it always goes right back to

him why because the way i did it yeah i'm trying to look at me look at me no because the way you did it is gonna make

me make fun of you for doing it and then you can be

i bought the house for her and her yeah is that wrong why is that

wrong no true true don't you think all right let me ask you something he would still he wouldn't be living he would appreciate that yeah you don't think

that she would appreciate that she would love her okay let me ask you something it's not like you guys did much decorating it you know what i mean like

it's not like she's she's you haven't been upstairs you don't know what the [ __ ] my house but i saw the

lego land in the in the bottom yeah yeah i don't need to go past that i saw it right yeah

you get the gist of it i got the gist of it yeah yeah yeah yeah i walked up the japanese game show to get to your [ __ ] house yeah right yeah

all you need to do is put vaseline on that driveway and have a bunch of [ __ ] japanese people try to make it

japanese again it's a japanese

you don't get you don't win unless you get hurt you have to get really really [ __ ] hurt isn't there one where they like jerk you off while you sing

wow yeah there's karaoke and they jerk you off one of the best ones i ever saw was they they had a

porta potty on the side of a ski hill so people and they just they were taking a [ __ ] they would just lift up the top and

everyone be like and then it would be on skis and they push them down the hill on [ __ ] [ __ ] all the way down the hill

they're the best it's unbelievable oh look at this game show has women jerking off men while they sing karaoke oh

that's great can we see asians love what happy ending karaoke

yeah they've mastered it that was the pitch by the way all right look at this guy's [ __ ]

face frame how awesome that is right so so he's got to finish the song before he finishes that's got to be the pitch

finish the song before she finishes you it's called oh my god what a great and that's on television yeah yeah oh that's

amazing the best the best this is the best let's just see yeah i'm sorry one of the girls wearing a mask though shout

out to her for really staying safe during this whole thing well that's from you know what it's for the

shots for the stuff the aaron shot yeah yeah if she knows what she's doing yeah let

me ask you guys something what do i if i i'm not interested in meeting anybody else but if i were to be somebody else

yes what do i need to do because would you and clyde ever role play as like neighbors oh we do

oh yeah like i'm gonna get you an airbnb for a little bit and like operate our lives and then like i'm like

a 16 year old kid and she's a camp counselor yeah and she's like this is your room and this is the log cabin

you're going to be in yeah i'm going oh really thank you mrs q and i you know yeah

i've never been to camp before and it's like she's like lay on your back i want to show you something right and i'm just like

i'm not tired i just got you this in the morning right and she's just basically get on your back so so i lay on my back

and she's like you know you've been a bad boy i just got here i just you know i've never been

and i'm like are you gonna tell me my my mommy or my dad she's not gonna tell your mom and she's like no no no and then when she

sticks it in when i stick it inside she's a great actress yeah and she looks

at me and she you like that and i'm pretty good you know what i mean all right i'm like i can't believe i'm doing

this right now yeah oh it's so good yeah what do you think i think it's disgusting

it's [ __ ] gross well you don't do role play not with not pretending to be a 16 year old camper well probably not 16 minutes

i was a 19 year old you know man but basically at camp yeah at camp it's still at yeah i was a counselor can i

just redo it for you yeah you're both counselors that's better yeah we're both all right all the kids went to bed

you're just [ __ ] in the woods is this better well now i can't share the other ones this makes more sense

yeah yeah yeah i can't show them no you could share the other ones uh you can what are the other ones

was they bet were they bad like that they're worse i can't even move you don't role play huh i like your wife by

the way no i don't roleplay but i like her thank you i met her in montreal do you remember yeah yeah she's a sweet

girl i remember she likes you she thinks you're very funny yeah but does she think i'm a good guy no no no

no she didn't think you did anything to be a good guy yeah yeah but you think i'm like all right she thought you were a funny guy funny guy what the funny guy

is yeah that's what you demonstrated yeah but you are a funny guy i'm a naturally funny guy are you going

to bring girls over i mean i just no i don't why are you pointing out

i'm going to be completely [ __ ] honest with you okay when you set up the mic for her every episode you're like why

yeah but you ever do that but it doesn't mean like two years of that two years but two years ago yeah yeah okay yeah it's good

she's small she's feeling a little bit better so i'm gonna tell you something right now she's my favorite and i'm going to tell you

this too andrew okay yeah all right and this is the and don't make a joke let me talk first and then

no then you do your little clever new york stylings of comedy

don't [ __ ] do that all right let's hear it and i've been around your kind before bro back in there geraldo and

norton all those [ __ ] bombs i've been around it dude you young generation you can't treat me like this here we go all right look at

me right now you bdi [ __ ] right you don't impress me by the way right

yeah you're one of the best guys and you're killing it this and that you'll never scare me this is not even close to as

intimidating you know what i'm about to say what yep when when you

walked up to me yeah and pulled out your penis when the

all right go ahead so let me just can i okay go ahead you told me not to interrupt you but when you stood up and started adjusting your

penis i actually got ptsd and i felt very intimidated you're traumatized not

trauma yeah yeah it's not trauma yeah trauma

you know yeah but it's back home yes right a lot of it

home yeah um but you came up and you were doing the

thing where you were like really whipping it oh yeah yeah and uh and it was it was it was an odd thing man i

know but what was the thing you were going to say when you stood up what's this whole [ __ ] charade you put on and then quick

i'm gonna do it we'll do it but i want to talk about the [ __ ] whipping of the dick no just do the thing already wait let's let's see the thing can we do

the thing no i can't do that because jewel's there doesn't know why i'm going to do the whipping of the dick just say what we're going to say [ __ ]

what was the thing you were going to do when you stood up and she you've seen it right are you old enough how old is she she's 14 years old she's fit

we went different careers we would give her directions 42 i went 15. no she's here she's 20. she's 20.

she'll be 21 she'll be 21. this this what november november right yeah okay

yeah okay good good good yeah so here's the deal both of you all right what's up so number one

i literally i honestly believe i'll never date another girl again oh shut the [ __ ] all

right go ahead that's what i'm talking about and that's not friendship i said i'll stop but you did it okay so do it again all right so

i i this is what i'm telling you my heart and my truth okay all right i honestly believe

i never wanted to i was i was thinking we were gonna you

just do it so asian you're like

another girl again you think we're not gonna make fun of this is the whole thing yeah come on but can we do this we'll do it once without do one i don't

know come on tell us shut the [ __ ] up man you spanish [ __ ] you [ __ ]

go you [ __ ] you man go go no i want to say this they're not fighting any more girls no i wanna i wanna i wanna give

you give give a second of honesty and authenticity okay yeah right without being mocked man you got it

okay i yeah

you're not allowed to make me laugh and then be upset that i'm laughing yeah but you're not allowed to [ __ ] you [ __ ] you

you're right this is great i feel like i'm [ __ ] in the middle of just the best little fire story yeah my bad all

right so finished you're never going to do that i honestly believe that i'm never going to date another girl again

i believe that too why is that a big [ __ ] deal nobody thinks you're dating again dude okay number two she put her

niece here tito bobby was just checking you're a girl

did you even try this right there what the [ __ ] just happened

to bobby was checking a girl out when we were in san diego who was the girl oh i'm sorry let's go my boy

who is the girl hello hello hello

hello who is the girl oh i'll tell you this andrew we wouldn't

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had really big butt and fat tits no that's how you know you

you're doing it you were doing it you were doing it what nancy pelosi who was it was

this was it nancy pelosi she wasn't 80 no listen all right but

you like big [ __ ] [ __ ] that's not what it is yes you do you like fat tits bro and you like white

girls with fat asses yeah

like yup um yoga i like a tight yoga outfit what did you see and she was so

ugly and dumpy [ __ ] [ __ ] alliance [ __ ] breakfast yes you did no you're [ __ ]

you're smirking yeah you saw you saw what did you see i saw a

fat piece of [ __ ] jiggly jiggly tell us you're like you were checking that out and we had an argument about that go

[ __ ] yourself no then let me say something he looked like and did you look and she had super what does that even mean if i [ __ ] looked

yo listen you're a man bro that's right you could look at however many tits that's true that true that okay

yeah you're in a mall i know it's your [ __ ] world you're bobby lee you're probably

but it's so funny that you white dudes i'm not white but whatever you're both a town you italian

dudes yeah they're taller fairly good looking right very funny at your craft right i thought it was good

you [ __ ] podcast you said i look like gilbert you think it's easier it's easier for you to get women

than for me to get one yes that's the system we've developed

so you came here so you have to put up with that that's the sacrifice you make when your family brings you here it's a little harder to

get laid but there's food every day and a refrigerator right it's a little bit harder

there's food every day and there's a refrigerator that's just what it is it was funny but i want to fight you

it's funny yeah this is what your family worked for yeah okay so i'm here thank you for the food

thank you for the delicious food you're welcome and i love refrigerating my meats it's great sorry i appreciate it so much right but what i'm saying is is

that does it have to be that hard to get [ __ ] no it's for people you had a beautiful girlfriend for many

years i know right yeah that's smart beautiful what i'm saying is it is harder for me than you guys it is no

it's not do you get dms have you tried do you guys get dm's have you tried

have just girls that you don't know they just go send you breast pits kicks breast

picks yeah how big are they every variety you know what's crazy about you because i know you like a fat

white kid i do

dude and you're like a little kid around them aren't you oh i giggle kitty yes i do you want to shake that shake

i'm going to [ __ ] take you yeah yeah it's like you know jumping into the with

those little red yellow balls that little thing called the ball pit the ball the ball pit yeah i can't yeah i already said that i like it yeah hey

yeah the reason you're you're not getting dms is because everybody on earth knows that you're winning a relationship there you go now you're

going to get girls that are going to go hey i'd like to hang out with you what's going on bobby you're single they're going to be thrown at you like crazy

dude you're single now yes but people didn't hear me because they didn't think you were single

why would that be betrayal timeout

you don't want to [ __ ] not right now no you don't want to hang out nope you don't want to you want to go on a date

not even have sex you don't want to go talk to a girl i don't know why i don't know too fresh too fresh would

you do role play would you role play like what if she role played like she was kalila there you go she's very good kalila no no what if another woman might

be collecting they would have to be like they have to take my technique classes let's get them enrolled myself technique

glasses and really know how to add information so maybe some improv work from chicago fine right and somebody that really doesn't prank right because

i know when they're breaking who's okay who's your dream girl who's the girl that you're like it's unobtainable she's a famous person

everybody knows whose this is she's so hot i'm not gonna get her but it's a thing like a taller natalie portman natalie portman let's get her enrolled

she's a great actress but she could be a all right we'll stretch her out someone that looks like that but has that skills

into this acting this is this is your crush forever yeah but she's gonna be five inches taller i like taller girls

she's still taller than you [Laughter] nobody speaks english tell me

what are we trying to do what are we trying to say right two words cheap labor okay

she's not father we're in the same way his acting got stronger last time i was here he spoke better english

she tried to say something twice i gotta get i had no [ __ ] clothes spain mexico philippines we can't hire

americans in this [ __ ] you can't no we can't afford it it's so expensive now dude these guys work no insurance over

three and i'm five three so we're the same height somebody

and they have to have that kind of skill set where they can cry on cue yeah and memorize their lives why do they need to

cry because in the role play oh cause they need to cry during your role play yeah what are the role-playing scenes where you make them cry i don't want to

get into that now we're muddled we're in muddle territory okay maybe we could just talk about one of those

like one of those scenarios because that seemed like really well i'll give you i'll give you the beginning of the

scenario but i won't go there all right okay so i'm driving a car oh i already

know what this is what it's a it's it's it's a poop on me thing no it's not a football thing i'm driving

in a car oh yeah and i'm in the desert dressed driving down the street it's a piss on me oh there's a hitchhiker oh

right i pull over hit her by accident why is such a young lady hitchhiking

alone he loves the southern he loves this other night alone at night well little old me just got lost yeah you

need to where are you going maybe i can oh just going maybe to go check out um

one of these little bars up the road and go have a drink oh you'd like to see the city lights huh i love the city life

let's get in you know i'm going to the city lights as well my friend how do i know i can trust you you can trust me

look at this cross right another gigantic look at this cross is that a little dead

jesus on that cross jesus christ my lord and savior oh wow get in

maybe i don't want him get in wait wait wait my arms are broken and i

i dropped my couch down the desert can you help me put the couch back into the v how are you

driving with the water just get me with this couch man you're terrible

i dropped my couch in the desert the [ __ ] right but you have to back in with the cat with the cows yeah so wait

you go to wanting to [ __ ] this girl to help making her help you move well no but this situation is like you know you

choose to go the direction of you took a long time to get in the car because you have to [ __ ] work them up

too you're not just going to get in the car you're a stranger it might be a stranger yeah but it's like you have to understand it's a sexual like situation

all right well then andrew can you do it i don't want to do a lot of like go ahead and pick up shoulder right the

scenes the dialogue scene is too long yeah right so you had to get in the car oh here we

go him the eyes it was excellent it was accurate before you did the moving the couch thing i

thought you were both murdering it and i'm being a hundred percent honest i was sitting here and i was going like [ __ ] maybe there's a skill

literally i was like god these guys like yeah these guys are like really good at acting yeah yeah

see you just gotta you gotta get there you gotta get there a different way all right yeah why did you take that big jump like it was so realistic i know

because okay it was so realistic all right so in the the big city lights that's good that's funny let's go to the

cross then back to the garage yeah let's go back to the crowd i'm the director yeah i'm the director you are i'm the

director yeah okay okay and if you if you don't like where it's going you can say cut no thank you

uh well i don't know if you could tell but i have a gigantic golden cross i can

see that are you religious i am in fact which denomination

presbyterian really baptist which one those are two different ones well i belong to one atoco texas that's

a crossbreed we use both elements of the church wow anywho

i gotta go cause i gotta go to work oh and so i'm going toward the city lights

if you want to write you don't have to if you don't trust me but if you'd like to don't well you don't see mine you don't seem

trustworthy then you have a nice night lady and i hope you have a good night can i tell you something what the next time you try

to pick up a girl on the side of the road don't have your dick out your dick is out

my bad it is your bad my bad you know what can i tell you why are you putting it away

or what do you do i'm putting in a window i'll tell you why lady okay i'll tell you the reason why my penis was out

what is it because i have um an infection down there and that's why if you think there's anything sexual going

on here that would also be an impossibility because i have an infection and i have to air it out when i'm driving you seem to have lost your

accent what here i am what are you talking about

no it's because when i when i start talking about my genitalia right my ex you know i get so shy you

know so this infection what is it from it's a rash that i got when i was uh

fishing go on

you got a lot of splatters dude [Music]

well whatever it's it's a fly fish it's the funniest scene in the history of television yeah

it's not even close life bro the fact that you [ __ ] are how do they get the rash anyway

and then you're like well i don't really trust you he's like well well okay then i work in the morning i gotta go like

you're not even committed i am because i want her to feel because you want her to want it yeah

because after that she could go you know i mean she could go um oh well actually i will take a ride

psychology i was doing reverse psychology and i was thinking like maybe oh that's enough for her to go it didn't work out i was in the car didn't work on

this didn't work on this girl no no no you didn't work on this girl but you know what i mean yeah i

was really impressed how did you get that rash well when i catch a fish i unhook it and i

rub that thing on my dick for about 15 20 minutes that's how i descale it

how could you get a rash from fishing buddy fly fishing what does that even go ahead i don't know what it is where are you

how are you going to get there well i'll tell you how it's going to be the reason why i said that is i was watching a bunch of episodes of naked and afraid

love so which we've said to the producers him and i would do we've said something naked and afraid and i saw a

guy naked and i don't know why but they i connected the two but then i'm thinking wait why wouldn't they let you guys go

we've said it out loud we've emailed they won't get back it would be a five-minute episode which would be

hilarious yeah be one of the funniest in the world i want to do it so bad we want to get naked somewhere and be in the well they do it you know what they do

they do fan now like they use fans we're not fans and they do only 14 days

no we're doing 20 we're not going to do 21 days yes we have 48 hours three episodes and it will be the most

hilarious [ __ ] show yeah in the history and then what they do new york comics two new york comics two la comics

and we converge in day two we have to converge you know how they convert we have to do hang out you mean we have to like you and i survived for two days by

ourselves and then we a mile down they say you are going to meet the new york company who the new

york comics who would it be oh well i was thinking schultz and maybe just stefano that would be [ __ ] funny as [ __ ] or

or your indian friend akash your indian friend this guy your indian

friend i love him didn't you have him on the show yeah i love him what's his name akash akash

what sing okay i gotta give him some props he's good don't suck it like that he also texts me

like every day he's the best he's a sweetheart what he wants just to say what's up he always asks him i am how i'm feeling

what's going on and i've only met him a couple times but i really think he's a great guy he is [ __ ] good this guy

keeps good people around him no he really is good always yeah yeah amazing guy hilarious dude incredibly [ __ ]

loyal and not a bad bone in his body i mean that sincerely like there are a lot of people in this business and you know granted we're competitive we want

the best for ourselves etcetera but like the dude is the most genuine no he's a good

and you know what yeah i had him on when he had a special put out killed it and i'm gonna talk [ __ ] right now because

i'm jealous because you're [ __ ] special easy plug easy transition genuinely

though that was good i read it and you sold a lot of money

they did a [ __ ] they did a variety article about how much money you made on the first week on that [ __ ] thing do you know this they no i didn't know that

they did an article look it up it's a variety or one of these things that says you sold a million bucks worth of

[ __ ] special tickets in a week or something they just say things you know no yeah yeah when i talk to so i talk

i was like i was at the club i was at the club they used a photo from when i met you yeah bro the photos they used

for these articles unbelievable so long ago i don't know but i was at the improv and moment house

the president came up to me yeah yeah and he goes oh well you know the business we're doing at with anderson i don't know he opened that way and i'm

like yeah i know i know i get it you're right and i think that you're see you're

i can i say something we bought yours by the way guys did you really yeah you bought it all of

us watched it oh cool yeah yeah but i think fine you're right i

a direction for us to go i think that's the future the kid's been doing that for a long time that's nothing new

well look i i hope that um i hope it works it is working for you working let's say it works i think it's

a cool way where like if you have a community you guys have a community people [ __ ] with you you guys learn that with the moment house i mean yeah right

right i don't want to say your math but you know obviously i spoke to them and you guys [ __ ] killed it we did good

yeah and it's like because you guys have people who care about you listen to the show and they're down to support and you know if if you have a community like

that then i think maybe you can do something like this we're going to find out sunday but if you do

when we find out that's when it comes out sunday yeah it's just like what we did on moment house in in terms of you can pre-order so you

can do it before it's up so like this like click on the pre-order so you go to pre-order it right right and go ahead

down and and go ahead and buy it whosever computer this is is that ours whose is this it's mine

regardless so you go ahead pre-order buy it it signs you up and then you get it

you're you know you get in line to get the special when it drops just like kind of ours did except

this is his stand-up special live exclusive for this yeah exclusive for moment house and then they watch it for

what you can watch for how long we're gonna give it to them forever that's it forever yeah so i'll be right after like

the two weeks or whatever you can buy it for two weeks and then after that we'll just give them uh an unlisted link you don't have to buy it right now no would

you yeah don't buy now would you now after the two weeks is up right will you sell is there look at that he bought a

ticket right there live [ __ ] is there an ability to sell that special to a streaming service of some sort or not i

mean i own it so it's like i can do whatever i want with it my in my mind i just want as many people

to see as possible maybe having parts of it on youtube or maybe instagram or these different

things like because that's what sells the tickets has experienced that yeah yeah so it's like for me you have the freedom to do that

if you do a special with a traditional network they go okay you can put three minutes out we'll pick the minute so you

can put out like sometimes i see like the clips that they choose for for netflix for people's specials and i'm like

uh is it are you not concerned that they put this one minute out what i never understood about clip clip

clipping from a corporate level is sometimes they're clipping a setup

and that's it and you're like there's no punch i no payoff and it's like this is what's supposed to convince people yeah

go watch the special i don't get it this is this is the unique way to do something to give people a little

taste like you do because you know what rudy said rudy goes i know him i see him on tick tock a lot yeah

because you do right mm-hmm and the reason you're on tick-tock all the time and you see his clip and you watch the joke and you're like give him a pound

and you watch the joke and you go funny you liked it huh yeah see so that's what the reason why you're

doing this is because somebody wanted you to edit yeah they want me to cut a few jokes a

cut a few jokes and you wanted to mention it's see so everybody knows it was cecil so ceso wanted you to cut it out right

you know i mean a couple of jokes and um you just was it roku it was i think it

was really yeah and not too big did you consider it did

you consider it no no did you argue them no and then they

came back well then we can i wasn't like bully like here's the thing i don't have an issue with streamers like i have

stuff coming out on different streamers i just think like with stand-up for me

i i built a career off of stand-up like just putting my clips out online so i don't want to water it down the second

i'd put out like the big extravaganza yeah like why change the thing that's worked

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over 200 thousand people shadyrate.com use that code bad friends you know it was interesting though like the thing that got the articles going it's like

it was i bought it back they liked that then there was like the censorship thing that was cool still nothing and then i

dropped the joke and i was like here's one of the jokes they wanted me to cut and it was one of these abortion bits yeah and it was the trifecta of like

abortion censorship buying it back and they're like oh that's a story yeah right because

abortions in the zeitgeist yeah and i was i really learned kind of how media works a bit from scenes oh yeah just see

how they click click click how how it does like the perfect triangle yes yeah yeah any negative backlash or no

i'm sure when a special comes out like people see it there'll be people who are upset at certain jokes and like it's natural yeah

look look when you do a special with a network you're doing it for like all the people who watch the network and some people just watch housewives some people

just watch the cartoons so like they might be upset about this when you put it out yourself you're just worried about your fans so they have an

expectation for the comedy last last night harlan williams went up on stage in the main one of the best comics i've seen uh

in years and years and i mean that wholeheartedly when he [ __ ] riffs he's on hilarious he's a bit

he was at a mall and there was a guy with a tricky on automatic tracking all right and he thought it was a dolphin and he does a dolphin noise with

the tricky anime you know i mean and he threw he bought some fish and she threw it in the air and the guy caught it with this tricky army or whatever it might

have been right yeah and a group of 25 women from the main room all got up and left oh wow asian women but one white

woman was crying oh really so i followed them out because i hate i want to know because asians kill the dolphins isn't

that your thing don't you like [ __ ] that's the japanese it's like and this is one crazy

cove yeah what is it called it's a murder cove or something no it's called the code it's called the cove and also

connects to say something yeah hey dolphins if you see a bloody cove don't swim into it yeah that's is their fault

yeah it's their fault they're out there and the one the woman's crying and i walk up and i go you know

like fake concerned why are you crying like that that's your fake concern yeah

[Laughter] yeah let me try that again yeah go ahead take it again take two

why are you crying are you is this the guy in the truck again you don't even know anyway why

is she goes that bastard i go who harlan the nicest guy on planet

earth yes like the sweet yeah sweetest guy yeah yeah my father had a tracheotomy yeah right

and he struggled for so many years right and i i'm like and

she goes he made fun of him i go it's a comedy club do not go back in there yeah because i was next yeah well

you do not yeah do not go back she's no but i understand comedy i understand it i did he went too far i

go then don't watch mine yeah that's bad is she if she thinks that's bad yeah yeah yeah of smoking because you're with

24 uh asian women and i talk about their [ __ ] color yeah he does oh dark yeah

wow dark yeah yeah dark right yeah but i just the sensitivity now of crowds

and it's rare i'll say it's still rare i think it's still rare it is i think more times than

not most people nine times out of ten at a comedy show are in for the wild ride

you're gonna get a few rogues because you're seeing your fans no no no no no no at the store at the store yeah

they're coming to hollywood or new york right and going wow we're about to see some edgy you know stuff right they

they're do they want to pretend that they're open right but if you sit this did the

same act in front of a random crowd in the midwest that didn't know who you are yeah right they would be offended not

the midwest no we did that for a year i did it for years yeah we built new york or l.a maybe but not the midwest what do

you mean the midwest like the midwest are less offended by things for sure i did i don't i don't know what you're saying

are you serious yeah i don't know you think that people in like san francisco i think are more easy going with jokes

but i think what you're saying i think i know what i think the argument that you're saying is this and

[Laughter] bro he always sets himself up yeah

he's just like look i know this is wrong i'm going to spend three more minutes talking about it no no no that's all

that's not what i'm doing all the time i still believe my point of view yeah but i've i've heard i know what the argument

is then give it to him your argument is is that liberalism creates this wokeness

and cancel culture right and they're more sensitive is that what you're saying is that your point of view not liberalism which is

like i believe religion and christianity ruins it i believe when you go to the midwest and

you talk about down syndrome or you talk about you can't see the our world like i've i've been on the midwest and have

religious people come up to me and go you said down syndrome my son had down syndrome so well then you shouldn't [ __ ] when you're on drugs and that just

that's why you're not like i get mean it really makes it i get really mean what is that what makes it what makes

what down syndrome no i'm just kidding i just that's my

yeah so your argument though is is that people in speak cities and liberal cities are more sensitive no big people

in big cities are more sensitive because you have to be you don't get to go to your house and just ignore everybody like you live on top next to and below

people so you have to be a little bit more considerate because in order for us all to function

we have to be considerate whereas when they go to a comedy club i feel like they you know i mean they know they're

more aware of their farm because liberty no they go like this oh my god what is that person feeling oh my god

my music's really loud could that be bothering somebody yeah right oh my god that person is she upset at that joke

and that's kind of the mentality whereas if you have a [ __ ] ranch in ohio it's like don't tread on me bro like well

yeah okay you have your own ranch yeah you don't yeah nobody's worried about you yeah i find those people to be bad

for me which one who's your audience the tread on bit that's around me i've had them

pick me up like after shows like in the south like big southern guy pick me up and go you're

the funniest chinese guy i've ever seen him don't pick me up right now i mean god damn it honey look at him maybe you are the funniest chinese you guys ever

seen but my point is is that and i've had the most people walk out you know i mean in texas or the midwest like he was

offensive he showed me his penis all this stuff it's against gods well do you show your penis

no because that could be an issue because they'll be like it's a comedy show

and then no i know it's my penis it is funny no it's terrifying

and that to this day is one of the scariest things i could do it now and you would laugh what makes you laugh was your fingers

your fingers get like rigamortis when you do it like you go like this i know yeah it's all a part of the character

dude yeah it's all a part of the deal what are you doing on your phone nothing you know your attitude

i can call you all right now dad okay the last dinner we had i had to pay for it you goddamn right you did yeah and i

spent over a thousand dollars yeah yes you did where did you guys go we took juicy to [ __ ] masters

because this guy said he leaves that he has oh i have a golf tournament every time it's a call from a golf tournament it was [ __ ] i would go to a show or

whatever yesterday it is [ __ ] 8 pm there's always something that he has to do and they're not always left with the [ __ ] bill timeout and i have proof

right here you said out of your [ __ ] mouth i'm going to are you getting aggressive i'm just asking don't [ __ ]

do that don't [ __ ] set me up i'm not fancy the innocent one fancy you're the proof

i want to play is that the innocent one did he not say he wanted to pay i said yes on the other show but now i'm

going to say no i think i think you just left the right timing for for bobby to pick up the bill you're fired i

love it you know what the [ __ ] fire dude what you you know before gaslighting thank you carlos [ __ ] gasoline i didn't

like your attitude but now dude you're back on the team and that's why you did that so you'd get back on your [ __ ] carlos you know that's right and i know

what you're doing dude look at me right now dude look at me all right so scum you're you're a piece of [ __ ] you're a

piece of [ __ ] you know what i'll call it jessica juicy that you said you wanted to pay i'm sorry andrew no no this is really i just

want to say that's right yeah yeah and this is the truth and i want to be and i hope this doesn't interfere with our friendship and our chemistry and our

show right but you really need to pay the next time because you're crossing a line

and i believe that you're let me tell you something right now i'm not don't talk no i'm i'm you're no you are done

let me tell you something right now you little [ __ ] piece of [ __ ] now let me tell you something i'd pay for the biggest dinner i paid for the

biggest dinner we've ever had which one you [ __ ] fat turd which one you [ __ ] fat piece of [ __ ] which one go

ahead and tell them fancy christmas oh remember our [ __ ] christmas dinner and you ordered [ __ ] five appetizers

in san diego where were we for christmas in mastros you fat [ __ ] you ordered the whole [ __ ] menu sifu

tower fat ass [ __ ] four tomahawks [ __ ] you shut the [ __ ] up you pay for

that you [ __ ] right i did i'm sorry then goddamn right that's all you have to say are we done no

that's all you have to say but you now everyone listening right now they see how [ __ ] crazy you are

time out are you ready yeah andrew special is available now

please go to moment house and watch it incredible dude that's crazy you can't tell an italian

he didn't offer to pay for dinner goddamn [ __ ] right you can't i mean it's a cultural thing by the way nobody lived

italy the way that you lived italy bro you you you guys were in time together after he left that's when i

showed up right when his vacation was done we went there oh so you never got to see each other no because he was also with his friends let me ask you guys

what's the best meal you had in italy i'm curious what is that big shout out to sotasale a

restaurant in favor a little island so what i did was we went to a group of island chains off of sicily but we went to a place

called sotosala and you know what one of those moments happened where it's a local spot it was a michelin or a [ __ ] whatever and

the cat who ran the place loved like the dude that i was with because he's like

this smooth british [ __ ] and this dude i mean dude showed us the rope

he's chilled with us all night was drinking wine with us all the other tables pissed pissed because they got no love they got

no love was he a fan of yours no he just he might the guy that i'm with is smooth he's a smooth [ __ ] and he knew

how to talk to him into getting us a good table and the guy was like i don't know i don't know how many people do you have and he did it so cool and was so

right to him and was like i'll have you know break off the staff yeah you know do the right thing so this dude loved us

and he just wanted to sit and chat and he was pouring wine breaking open cellar wine and [ __ ] your wife was there yeah

it was me us uh another couple and then one of his sons and his son's friend and

the meal was just unbelievable on but you could see other people like this like can we go why the [ __ ] are they

getting all of this [ __ ] we would get you know he'd come out he'd be like you know from the chef uh for just for you

and i was like you love that [ __ ] you love when it's just for you

yeah i'm like everyone else man i'll wait in line [ __ ] so sicily was crazy or what yo so

look i love sicily i love going to the islands we had a boat we had a catamaran we just went island hopping stayed on

the boat yeah but we'd stay in the marina right so you uh we dropped we dropped anchor like twice in a harbor

where there was no br where there was no waves but we'd stay in the marina you go into town get dinner drinks whatever

come back then the next day we'd boat out to another little bay swim all day [ __ ] off then go to another island

amazing but favanana man what a [ __ ] the only problem is people in the group not everybody is a huge seafood for

south of italy you gotta like see if you gotta like seafood that's yeah you if you're like a red sauce

meatball spaghetti guy you got to go up top yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but seafood galore i mean it was [ __ ] i had the

most fun i've had in a long time and i even facetimed bobby i see i'm still thinking about you even when i'm on vacation didn't i

never facetime yes i did i have proof of it right here open up my [ __ ] no you didn't pick up

okay so that that means you didn't no no i did right there look at it 7 45 7 5 22.

i mean for a second just to show it on there my point is this i didn't pick up so that's not no you never pick it you

can't use that and you're inconsiderate i check but my point is in terms of the godfather stuff did anything happen did you go

no i you didn't have time to go because i missed it because i was doing a thing for moment house with bad friends

okay i see what you're doing anyway no that's what literally what happened i see what you're doing how it was your attitude no no no no

and then also by the way right as we got there uh james condon james condod god bless you one of the best yeah all right

what what you got you better not say anything bad about santino santino that's the character oh yeah

connecting you into godfather yeah that's right yeah that's great i love dude i'm a huge

don't say anything bad what do you mean don't say anything bad elf godfather he was in bottle rock i'm friends with the

sun don't say anything rocket he was the [ __ ] he's the best dude anyway and i'm gonna say this right now and

this is gonna offend some people and that's okay but after we went to italy i went up to dublin spent a few

days in the other motherland for me and i got to tell you something i love ireland easy these are my people

these are [ __ ] my people yeah i had one of the best times i loved it so much i love ireland okay

a remount of the people to look like

i understand they might i understand have blood together

really a lot of the people they're looking like they might win when later yeah yeah like you'll see 50 of them

you're like this is a family reunion yeah yeah and they all look they kind of well look at them yeah i got a little nervous there was a

few times where i'm like these people aren't related these people look at that yeah because dude at the end of the day i'm not trying to [ __ ] on my people i'm

just trying to say it is an island but so is sicily and you don't get that vibe yeah but you know but sicily cicely

touches the boot it almost it's [ __ ] it's right and also like africa so it's like everybody's in it yeah because tunisia is right there yeah yeah yeah

yeah it says uh but ireland's is it out there way out there yeah and to get to another place to get another person it takes a lot of

time and when you're a sheep farmer and all that stuff and you know like your cousins have been on their own do they [ __ ] the sheep up there they do yeah

yeah they very much do my mom's from scotland it's a real thing but at least scotland can go down to england look at this the databases we [ __ ] the sheep 71

of all uh marriages in this period indicate a first cousin marriage rate of about one in seven hundred twenty okay see so one in seven hundred is weird

the figures for the republic island is approximately 91 of all marriages indicate a first cousin marriage rate of

about one in 625 so one in 600 people i'm going to see uh yeah that's tough

it's an island yeah it's an island look at australia they're all the same yeah

they're all the [ __ ] sound they're all [ __ ] they have no chin no chance i saw a couple of guys at the inbox

buggy eye and you're like wow there's something going on huh

oh look at this what company which country has the highest in breed data data and inbreeding several contemporary human populations are compared to

showing the highest local raising brazil japan india and israel brazil is number one

brazil's [ __ ] it's massive it's so big yeah yeah yeah are you [ __ ] your family it's so big and the martial arts

is break dancing so maybe that's something yeah yeah yeah when they're when

like india's two billion people they can't stop [ __ ] that's why they're [ __ ] their cousins these people are [ __ ] everything

no no no no no new people there no new people yeah but my point is they're so brilliant and smart what does that have to do with

anything what do you mean but you think inbreeding you would think through generations that they'd be just a dumber people no i don't think that happens

necessarily yeah oh you're saying that inbreeding that doesn't affect intelligence or anything i don't think

so i think so if a brother and sister i mean cousins one thing but you think

but i've seen in cases in the south where brothers and sisters have a baby and they come out a little bit you know

like you know okay kind of like you know i need to save myself a little bit i love ireland

yeah i'm not saying everybody there is an inbred no but you're saying they look ugly i'm just right like that's kind of what you're

saying you know what i'm saying no i'm saying a lot of people look alike and look at the sexual relations and cohabitation and prohibited is

approximately two point two percent of all marriage in the united states are between second cousins so hey we're no we're not good either

all right that means that there are about 250 000 americans that are in relationships with their cousins yeah a quarter of a

million people white chicks have to just [ __ ] asians and stuff i mean if you're old if you're like listen if you're a

white girl out there right and you're like i like white dudes only right yeah think about it right it could be your cousin yeah right so go black or mexican

it's like the author what do you think if you made love to a 50 year old old

korean man just a little chubby 51. almost 51 yeah yeah right think about it

like this though in the order of white girls who want to [ __ ] outside of white men yeah where do you think you

are on the list don't be rude no no i'm asking i think you're being rude i'm not yeah it's a question i posed a question

let me ask andrew this what do you think we are what did you just say

if a white girl is like i don't want to have sex with white dudes they're [ __ ] gross and they're going to some other category of men right where are

you i'm koreans or you think you specifically uh you're not like

you're not [ __ ] shang chi you're not that guy there's like in terms of asians

you're not shane you're not uh the really rich asian guy who's [ __ ] a piece yeah he's a he's a sign

you know what i mean you know that guy but you're but you're sexy but seriously

you're just be real i want you to be real i'm gonna [ __ ] how real can i get that is holy listen he's he's pretty

handsome the other guy is ridiculous the pretty rich asians is [ __ ] gorgeous yeah yeah you know um crazy rich asians

crazy rich asians jimmy yo yang he's talking about

hold on when he gets up when he stands up he can do gangnam style

you're above psy you're above side every squid game you're above every single thing thank

you you're about whatever else what else this is i like this direction um you're below jeremy lin 100

you're you're above yao ming yes okay that's good i think because yao ming is just odd-looking right yeah

she's just dude and not the odd looking part let's move on

but his money but ken's money is thicker ken's money might be thicker it is thicker no now here's the thing below

ronnie chang oh yeah ronnie's a piece he's a piece bud ronnie's a piece

jimmy oyang you're above jimmy oh yeah i don't know i think that's a i don't know man no you're above jimmy oh yeah i gotta be

honest with you it might be a tie that's that hurts that's true jimmy's a

good looking kid i know but you know what being 51 almost and he's younger much younger much and he's got a very

beautiful girlfriend so i'm gonna take that i'll be even oh if you match for age like if you brought your age down

like forget it oh yeah oh yeah i killed it i killed it yeah i killed it okay but that's not what's happening right now yeah yeah who else is there what are

other asian well there are ones that are obvious that they're above daniel they came obviously ali wong

she's a girl i still what who cares yeah yeah yeah you're you're you're above her i'm good good thank you thank you you're

both alex you can't think of it no chance yeah you're you're a hotter guy randall parker randall parker

randall parks above me way above not way no way randall parking you

he's way up you think that's way above he's look at his jawline he's tall he looks like john leguizamo he does yeah

and he's actually good john link was up now jonathan was almost handsome he's handsome sexy guy yeah nah randall's hot

dude no randall's good five five nine he's [ __ ] he's huge he's towering gigantic who's funnier

i mean come on randall park whoa do you really believe that

what are you talking

i think alive right now period name a funnier asian don't kill kim jong-un dude is hilarious dude very funny dude

it's funny things i like kim jong-un don't watch your special don't watch a special

holy [ __ ] dude what did he say to the barber when he when he was like what kind of hair do you alright sword you know

so you know you watch three stooges yeah you watch three strings yeah i was

three surgeons well i want a combo between the two

[Laughter]

how about the tears right and he's like

he's got look at that one he's lost he's kind of got a flat top on that he could yeah he lost weight recently yeah

yeah wait let's see how much you wait for the right oh wow is that photoshopped or not that's photoshop

that's an instagram filter he didn't lose anywhere yeah maybe okay he looks much thinner i'm the barber for that so i'm the and

you're the guy you be kim jong-un no you be kidding me no no what you do i love when you do it you're a good asian actor

i love your hair good asian accent good morning supreme leader kim hello

wow you so you didn't like more and larry

no i haven't seen a new movie called do the right thing

this hair black people have

that's hilarious this is like an 80s [ __ ] fro cut yeah yeah this is 100 this is a spikey

joint yeah yeah this is a spikey joint totally huh say go to momenthouse.com go to momenthops.com

put andrew schultz in this google school he's on the main [ __ ] page he's on the main street and honestly see that because i honestly

um and i hate this i hate to blow [ __ ] wind up your ding dong but um when i saw you at montreal and we did

that show together right i when i saw you the first night because i didn't know who the [ __ ] you were

right i literally didn't and i go oh watch this guy i sat there and i just realized i go oh no this guy

is pure funny like comedy [ __ ] comedy and you

know what i love about him is he takes a point of view that's the opposing opposite

and he makes it he proves the point yeah you know you could you yeah i know you can you you

can take the opposing offer but your most comics they fail but this guy

pulls it off and that's so it's the craftsmanship craftsmanship of it very good i'll let

you get it out i didn't step on it thank you thank you so much yeah anyway watch andrew schultz's moment house special

thank you and um fancy has a movie that he produced called american carnage

i'm gonna watch it what is it on youtube it's from every vod platform and then

the movie theater everywhere vod but also by the way tell him it's filled with like very good actors jenna ortega is [ __ ] huge do

you know who that is yes [ __ ] huge and george lindbergh jr who i know who yeah i know it looks like a great movie

and well isn't that the one with is what's his name in there um eric dane eric david dane i'm friends with eric

all right look at this yeah yeah so go watch american carnage after you i'm not i'm going to be honest with you

go to moment house and buy andrew shultz especially and watch it you're going to love it and watch america got a couple of bucks laying around yeah and then in

your next paycheck yeah then go watch this on vod go watch american carnegie support the fancy because we love them

very much love you dog love you thank you babe thank you so much for being a bad friend

dude thank you guys for having me thank you man thank you [Music]

yes [Music]

bye