Three Hundred Hussies | Ep 10 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

[Music]

[Music]

HIV I said he had HIV oh [ __ ] HIV look I told you I told you he had

HIV yeah to get your attention I got your job let me just let people know what happened

okay so I'm outside with my dogs you know having a good day very sunny good

day yeah oh yeah it was after the rain it was nice yeah real nice and I get a call from

Redmond over here and he goes I have something very important to tell you and I go I'm listening because when you

know when your friend opens up like that your ears you know yeah yeah my eyes are

squinty but my ears are squinty but when I hear stuff that my ears you know yeah yeah like a cartoon yeah what happened

and you go seriously you know Alex Alex is our ad guy he works with us at doing

ads for the fryer and he said man Alex thought he had the coronavirus mm-hmm

right and he went to got tested but they did some blood work because they found

something abnormal that's not right and it came back that he has HIV so he's no

longer our head guy guy he has to go to

Yuma Arizona umeri yeah yeah you know and to get some sort of test for the facility is that he need I don't know that yeah yeah I don't

know that not a real thing so then he then he talks to me about some other kind of business yeah yeah so then we

hang up the phone mm-hmm and I I'm like tears are welling up in my eyes like I'm shaking yeah you

mean like yes you right you did tell her right away guys next to me yeah so I go to kalila and I go

right and then I tell her the information but then the tears couple quickly went away yeah because I wanted

to go play witcher 3 don't you care about your friends getting HIV for for a

second it was a good eight seconds okay went down stoop lately adventures in caves trying to find the sword that I

want did you find the sword that you needed no okay and then kalila Texas me because you know I live

in a very big house so yeah yeah we know yeah downstairs right Jules we're

killing it and she's not she's just living there she does live there and she's gonna get the house when you guys

have to move out when you guys get evicted aren't you taking over the house Jules oh yeah she her the [ __ ] out this

is an ungrateful little Phillip she's going nowhere she's gonna know she's staying in your house forever she will

be with you for the rest of time yeah you know we've been watching 90-day fiance love it hold on finish your story

all right let me finish the story so so you're in the basement kalila text you and says what you [ __ ] idiot he

doesn't have HIV you [ __ ] idiot he does and he'll call me and he said he had they him yeah and she goes no he's

just joking so then I called you and then you laugh my point is is this how me why would you think I would my point

is is this is this that when you prank somebody and you say say stuff like that at the end of the phone call you go I

was just kidding you don't let it [ __ ] live how would you not know that I was kid I wasn't I'm so obvious I was

joking around [ __ ] him right people no not anymore yeah we know a guy that

has it nobody got in like 86 yes I know but no one gets it I know he has it now

I've never gave them a hug you won't touch him no I do I do

do you ever sit oh you don't know you don't even draw I do my but my point is is that would you would you share a drink with him if he if you were like

could I get a sip of that if he was I could I get a sip of that I'm really thirsty would you give him a sip of what like I've had a coke yeah yeah but no

yeah I'll go yeah here you go and then you he would give it back and I would just hold it until he walked away

yeah no seriously a light o laiia get

your attention got it and then I asked you the business states not it's not you know no because when I ask you business

stuff when I ask you stuff about the show yeah you go like this ready yeah you're me I'm you so so call me and be

back to me yeah at all because that's how you always open 100% yeah and then

what do I say I said you go um give me any business thing like we need to do this but so anyway um so the you know

the mics we got to get new mics okay okay okay okay okay I don't care don't care I gotta go I gotta go that's what I do every [ __ ] time do I

talk like that you do so so if I can't

get your attention if I'd got to talk a real business thing that I was like he's never gonna take this serious and it was a long conversation so I told you that

the ad guy got HIV because I knew would get your attention but from now on right now it's any anything right right if

Chris D'Elia yeah gets in a car accident and you call me that he's in a pair he's paralyzed

yeah I'd be like haha yeah but I would laugh - oh yeah let's show they're on it

D'Elia sent Bobby a video yeah so last night you know let's play the video let

me explain it first okay last night I'm having a great day I'm downstairs playing Witcher 3 just going on and some

adventures trying to find another sword and I get a text from this piece of [ __ ]

yeah go ahead play it here's what the LEAs text about me was

my special came out mmm yeah it's

killing you should do one you know just

get it together you're [ __ ] doing already yeah but you don't you know and

you won't because you're a [ __ ] that's

criticize the way he looks though okay number one Chris D'Elia all right what a

weirdo okay look at this yet it look at this though yet another look at his face yet

another goofball tattoo from Chris paper of another a paper airplane Dom he's three for three on bad tats right his

lips are like remember that in fit and phibian if the amphibian character in Hellboy oh yeah he has the hit they're

always wet yeah daliyah's lips are always [ __ ] wet soaked soaked yeah

you know why why cuz he does this all time yeah it was that what he does all the time I see him lick his lips all the

time oh that's what he wants wet lips yeah he wants he wants to be wet lips let's call him wet lips from now on so

wet lips sent you this text did you text him back yeah I texted him I'll show you what I texted him I go because when he

sends me videos this like this all the [ __ ] time and I get so angry I don't know why well he does I just said I'm

gonna hurt you what he said nothing he never responded yeah in fact he didn't hurt you then did

ya I mean one time he sent me a video of aren't my dogs cute so he has two dogs

Jada three I thought he had whatever two or three dogs running around being cute but they're running on top of a pile of

money yeah that's hilarious he does stuff like that he does yeah well he's a

Richie Rich guy yeah he's the he is he's secretly probably one of the richest

friends we have don't you think I mean if I were to guess he's not the richest

no no but I'm saying he's he's up there though he's up there he's in the top I think that the richest one

we know is your sebastian by far by far right that's not even it's not even

close that's by far the realize white lips see

what he's got to say about himself if he can pick up you know this guy yeah there

might be two you've met him before right yeah you know Chris yeah do you like him you

like his comedy you don't watch comment that's [ __ ] in the mic your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice

message Jules were you talking to Mike and go hey hey go hey speaking only in

Philippine Filipino and say hey it's me I've never been a fan of you or your comedy oh yeah press 1 for more options

hi Korea sky or say Hmong commit comedy

feral animal now under city to Barbie I'm emo dong lips okay Dakota Ohio only

a weird guy over honest queer Andrew camasta okay bye what did you just say

that Peter Bobby said that you have a big lips okay good I love you you're the

baby of the day thank you so [ __ ] good he sent me those weird texts all the 10 that's where he does his special did come out very funny very funny does

beg the question Bob huh when's Bobo gonna do one all right you know what um we're not doing that right now okay no

problem we're not doing that right now we don't have to oh we don't have to you want to you want to talk about something that's been bothering you for a while

outside of that which is what the podcast by ken Jeong and I bothering me

it's not is it bothering you well you sent me a text that said it's so [ __ ] annoying that they have a

podcast now and you said I will you said I hate Joel McHale if you want to go down this path now I can go down a path

that you not gonna like as well don't ever roll your little eyes okay well hold on

though here yeah yeah we compiled something we compiled we compiled a

little yeah Bobby Lee or Ken Jeong who who sent this tweet let's see let's see

how different or close you guys are to having the same kind of tweet sentiments because we were looking at the tweets

and I was like hmm maybe they copied us because you guys have similar tweets Yeah right all right so yeah let's play

Bobby Lee live or Ken Jeong here we go sorry I'll stop the retweets got carried

away damn you Coke Zero who said that Bobby or dr. Ken who said that me yeah I

didn't say that I don't like Coke Zero that's right yeah yeah if any of this is

bad it's all George okay so tired from my private charter flight from to New Zealand humble jet lag oh

definitely not me I take Southwest Airlines middle seat that's why they love you yeah I'm addicted to ramen

y'all and [ __ ] it is something that I would say but I didn't say that you

didn't know yes you did yes you did I

said that April 19th 2014 you said I'm addicted to ramen y'all and

[ __ ] oh [ __ ] holy [ __ ] I was I was in a psychedelic

ban in my early 20s and I looked like Pocahontas I'm so glad they kicked that's me is it because I was in the second dollar

bad yeah you were what was the band we were called Laxton superb you can see a video on YouTube Laxton superb yeah

we're gonna look that up after we play this cuz it's you know have you ever showed anybody that no I don't want to

show people wait why you just said we can look it up on YouTube on your own you just told everybody us oh people listening on all

the fans you can work exactly I know it's on you to Laxton superb that's what the band was called yes Wow

why no I think that's amazing yeah and what it when he won it was a psychedelic

band that's what I just said from the tweet read it yeah was it yes it was huh yeah Eric

Stonestreet I'd rather not talk about it in public Eric Stonestreet thank god there's a private direct message and not a tweet that's definitely Ken Jeong

why because he's friends with I wouldn't I don't think I would say something like that I would be a little bit more crass

than that I wasn't sure yeah are you sure yeah look at me yeah you sure yeah okay you're right

yep what would you have said I would have said you you [ __ ] fat [ __ ] you

know me something yeah dear Miley Cyrus I love you deeply but passing on Mariah

for meetcha was a criminal by Azmi you sure 100% because I'm a huge fan of the

voice so is he yep I'm a huge like I follow them we've had people on the voice on time no no I

know but wait a minute you you do you still talk to Mariah for Mika I don't

know her she was just on the show but you tweeted or did she not return that tweet do you know what's so [ __ ] [ __ ] up some of them knew but some of

them don't like III like American Idol as well yeah sure and so I'll follow somebody for what about her voice I both

what about the newest one yeah I'm watching the newest one yeah it's good it's okay yeah the Songwriters one wouldn't be the

songwriters one way the two they pair up songwriters with uh do you know I'm talking about you're talking about American Idol no dude they have a brand

new one there's a brand new show where it's like they walk in it had the voice then or a melody I know it's a brand new

show but is from the same people okay what's it called okay and yeah we done with this portion

or clothes I playing the new Christiano game heads up on my iPhone this game is addicting no that's not me you sure yeah

I wouldn't I play that where's Kim yeah this is what I look all right before I transform into a mermaid me look at my

body ken doesn't look like that I know what ken has golems Bob George did not blur this will

that's how pixelated is a yeah yeah it's you yeah Wow though you look good thank you now

is this one of the tubs where you put jizz on the side yep sure is this guy

roofied me and I welcome an abandoned building downtown wearing my Genghis Khan outfit that's me for sure because I

know that that's uh Andrew W K that is yeah yeah what was that from one of his

music videos you know something like that yeah very bummed for Shante left chili peppers again probably greatest guitars in the past

ten years Billboard Music Awards it's not me damn George did not do a good enough job I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater

Santino's my favorite comedian That's not me for sure 100% that one is my

favorite that one's my literal favorite god damn I love that so much at that actually we'll wait that came out when

told you lied 1224 k said that out loud I'm gonna quit comedy also cheater sentence my favorite comedian I bet you

you don't remember this night do you do you remember the night oh yeah yeah you

left your phone open at the store yeah we were sitting at the booths yeah I mean at the at midsi's take chairs yeah

and the bucket seats you went up on stage and left your phone on the table uh-huh I unlocked I immediately went to

Twitter and tweeted that close your phone put it back down wait did I know

that you had done that no I don't well yeah I think afterwards we had talked about it oh really cuz you'd open your Twitter and you'd

been like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is is and you didn't delete it oh so you did that yeah I didn't do that

technically you did I guess yeah yes but you know I'll be honest with you yeah

there was a time where I would probably think that you were my favorite comedian well we owe thanks in the past no I

remember when well here well here's let me give you let me give you some honest reference to this yeah you were talking

you were being very negative me like I'm gonna quit I want to quit you weren't feeling good you were in a bad mood that night is that that 2014 was a really bad

year for me well so you skip cent you kept saying I'm gonna quit comedy yeah and I was like you're not gonna [ __ ] work you're not gonna quit Bob and you

kept saying yes I am I'm gonna quit yeah yeah so when you kept saying that and you left your phone and went onstage I tweeted I was just gonna tweet I'm gonna

quit comedy and I was gonna say should I cuz I wanted you to see people go no [ __ ] no that's insane

right but then I just I'm gonna quit comedy and then yeah well thank you for

saying that no because I remember when I talked here yeah it was a [ __ ] tough year man

that was a really bad year 2014 why why should why 14 I was in relationship with kalila it was a first year maybe of

being a relationship with her mm-hm and I had nothing going on I couldn't get any auditions I had nothing really

going on work was bad the road was half the were filled Wow some places that would

go I would sell like a hundred seats out of like a 350 Rio yeah for her room and then I would have

to go you know you know how you show up to a I don't not now but at that time you'd have to show up to a gig and then

go in the manager's office and go what can we do can we just give away two please and please I even remember it

vividly yeah I remember feeling I remember showing up yeah and doing that thing where I walk right into the green

room I don't say I don't say anything to anybody yeah and somebody comes in like Ari I'm like I'm good sorry about that I immediately say sorry me too and the

server's always were like it's okay it's not that's [ __ ] we're fine this is fine this is yeah and then they do this thing where they go this is like this

Thursday this is like this is what it's like on Thursday they'd see that all the [ __ ] time and they're just trying to

be nice to you because they know that it hurts or I know although they'll tell you a pass comic that's good they'll go you know you know who did really bad on

Thursday yeah they'll do that move right but but I remember those it will never

leave my chest so that was happening a lot in 14 oh my god and they would and then also at the end of the week was the

worst where they were it's payday boy you get the cheque yeah and it's like the justifications they bring up

these paper you're the paper yeah they're like here's how bad you do yeah and and they give you the numbers and the breakdown right so that means so

Friday night we had to comp this many and this and that anyway at long story short here's your five dollar check and

then you know you had been there for a week yeah right and you're like kind of shaking eagle thanks for the opportunity

it's a some [ __ ] Alyssa yeah and you look like a dummy you look like a dummy and then you the flight home is always

like the most depressing thing oh do that night that night sucks because I go back to the hotel I'll probably have

some to eat or drink and then just sit around thinking about how do I want to keep doing this yeah you do you really

go do I want to keep doing this thing is this worth it to keep going to these places that but but but was the worst

show III can remember with you I went to Foxwoods casino I've ever been played there oh yeah right I was in [ __ ] why

did a one time yeah and I had a show so not round anymore right I don't know yeah I did I did a show so bad where

there's a curtain I went behind the curtain I laid on my back

remember crying during the show no after the show and I could hear the audience

leave and I was laying bet they're just [ __ ] crying yeah yeah it was that

painful so [ __ ] pain I mean I've talked I've talked about so many of them I there was you know I'm not gonna say

the name of the [ __ ] club but with the you know without yeah I don't give a [ __ ] I was at yeah which one I don't

want to say because the people that run are so nice yeah well you just said the club oh that's

true yeah yeah so one of some shows I can get this I can go you know you don't

have I don't get a door deal but just get give me ten grand mm-hmm for the week mm-hmm this is what I used to do

and sometimes they would go all right right and at the end of the week there

is these two old couple an old couple that run that's been doing it for years sure and you can tell that they're

distraught and then the man is like giving me the cheque but his hand shaking what do you mean like he's upset

that he's like shaking you don't give me anything here you go I go what's wrong I

wish it I wish I'd never said that yeah you should just take images we just we

we just thought you would do better and we were just really hitting we're losing

a lot of money on this one and I go and then how do you how do you take it from

them did you take it no I would have taken it no no because they were so like

they were older so what did you do you walked home with no no no I go I go what just rewrite the check give me five

that's really nice and they go oh my god you're a mensch and added Google what meant Ament I remember that what's

Mensch mean you never heard that no you thought it was a racial slur yeah [ __ ] and in Jerusalem gone for me yeah I'll

be that I'll be the guy mm-hmm yeah you know young man oh are you shaking there is are you okay or nice it's like a

medical condition man there's the check no we're just very upset because uh

we're taking a really big hit on the son and we thought we did

man yeah thanks for the time dude appreciate you guys that's gone really

why I don't think you would do that yeah I wouldn't take I would take the check when somebody's visibly distraught and

you can and you can test places make a ton of money not this one this is at a Holiday Inn mm-hmm haul it in why do

they agree they thought they were gonna make way more money yeah because you know at the time nah I was this not my

business okay but let me get [ __ ] so much we get [ __ ] so much so I I don't

care I'm just oh sorry okay it's you know a lot of people go

thought at the time that Bobbi was on a show MADtv for eight years yeah we don't

really know his numbers on the road but we just make assumptions that he's gonna sell a certain amount of tickets of

course right I'm doing well now because of the podcasting and because there's

just been just a you know um because people want to see you're Greinke yeah yeah yeah it's just a different agent

set that number why doesn't matter dude that we're still human [ __ ] beings and I you know I got I I get it the only

way I agree with you here cuz I have a heart too is if it's a mom-and-pop place but if it's a corporate place I don't

[ __ ] care they make tons of money on the bottom mom and pop it's not a corporate all

right so that's I give that credit then okay good cuz if the it was the improv [ __ ] you wouldn't give a [ __ ] yeah yeah

bunny bone [ __ ] you there's a milk yeah yeah when it's a big corp if it's a mom-and-pop cuz I have family relations with families that I still love that I

work with them on the numbers yeah but the problem is so many times corporate clubs [ __ ] us when we were young how many times did you get [ __ ]

when you were young by big corporate clubs and they gave you no money or you're like this is how much I thought

we said this is how much that's so money I mean there are search clubs today that when my my agent goes do you want to

play the city I'll go no no [ __ ] that and they'll go why because I know what they're gonna do because I sold out

right and then they're gonna go here's $1500 yeah and then you go and then they

go sold out and then they go no I mean I think there was some tickets we're not yeah don't know if it was all the way and I know people going will 1500 owes a lot

of money you have to understand that you know we fly it ourselves there we're there for three or four days right and

our agents take 20-25 percent whatever your deal is Yeah right with taxes you're making six seven

hundred bucks it's just not worth it no you walk away walk away broke people people don't really bro yeah because all

your money has gone through either taxes and agents payouts and your and your living not at home so you're eating out every day you're not it's not like

you're cooking food yeah then you go back to your [ __ ] hotel and I also want to say this is that people go whoa

you comedians get paid a lot you have to understand that for the first ten years yeah I did thousands and thousands and

thousands of shows for knowing nothing no money for nothing I lived with nine

dudes in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake for years yeah and we've had that we've had to grind it out just to get a meal a

day I mean I went through it so when people try to you know go well you're not grateful it's like go [ __ ] yourself

no you're very grateful now you're very great yeah yeah because you lived through the thing to get to the place why hey the common issue that almost

every man faces nobody wants to talk about it think long and hard whoa 40% of men by 40 or not be able to get

that peepee stiff the blood isn't rushing like it used to edie is a real thing back in the day

well you know I had some dick problems myself you know and I didn't have the opportunity to see any professionals

because it wasn't a for affordable at the time now it very much so it very much is yeah what they also hims also

has stuff for hair loss skin care sexual wellness for men in general what you do is you get connected with licensed

doctors online so you don't have to go anywhere and it's approved pharmaceutical products they can treat erectile dysfunction well known okay

generic equivalents they're not this isn't just like it's not snake oil she's not seen a you know you go to the gas station they'll you can buy this prone

or pill this is real real real medical

people you see results where other treatments fall short okay stop worrying about multiple doctor visits you don't have to do that you can sign on you can

go to for hems calm you can check it out it's very easy no injections right hams today by starting out with a free online

visit go to four here calm slash bad friends bad for hims dot-com slash bad friends pod for hims

dot-com slash ad friends pod that's right please do it ya prescription products are subject to doctor approval

and require an online consultation with the decision who will determine if the prescription is appropriate see the website for full details to safety information this could cost hundreds of

dollars if you went in person to the doctor's office instead you could do it here for much cheaper remember that's for hims calm slash my friends pot

friends hello so you may have heard of me undies before but they're on pretty

much every podcast ever writes that me under ease makes the world's most soft and sustainable underwear ever I use me

undies because I performed my underwear so I'm wearing them right now it's the only underwear I use well you wear me undies when you know you're

gonna take your pants off yeah because it's because I like the comfort yeah you know so they're performance quality and they've got the thing for your penis I

loved a little couple of things it's time to end your toxic relationship with your tattered old undies it's disgusting

if you're not replacing your underwear by the way people you're repulsive I throw my underwear away and get new underwear all the time

because people that rewash those streaks are staying in there forever and there's a monthly membership build a pack you

can even match your undie with your other half who cute no matter what you

choose you'll get a self-sustainable pair of undies delivered straight to your door with free shipping my friend sounds like a win-win it's a soft

sustainable fabric it's available in sizes small to Bobbili which is 4 XL or on black - unicorn me undies prints are

made for yourself expression and for our listeners for bad friends fam 50% off your first order free shipping a hundred

percent satisfaction guarantee go to meet undies dot-com / that's right that's me undies comm slash we love it

what's the first time you [ __ ] uh when I was 28

no you're 20 years old with the first time you [ __ ] yeah 28 when I lost my virginity how because

I was afraid of sex until then so I dry-humped I only would dry hump really

yeah so you would do like highschool moves at in your 20s because I was scared of sex so I would do I would say

would you mind if we could take our pants I'm gonna be don't laugh at me I would say joy

so I would say could you take your I went out we would take our pants off and I'd say leave your underwear on and I'd leave my underwear on and I just would

kiss and I'd grind it but I do dry hump that you would come through the underwear I've come on any underwear all

over it and I usually go home with what

was the first time you fought bed when I was 28 so what happened can we give you this a situation first time I [ __ ]

yeah Craigslist I ordered a girl off Craig's are you lying right now yes I know you are I was 15 you [ __ ] [ __ ] but the

first time by the way - but the first time I do remember busting a nut with a girl was a dry hump yeah when I was 12

or 13 mmm and holy [ __ ] felt good oh my god yeah I was soaked and my joke didn't

come yeah and I walked home with my [ __ ] soaked underwear and it was like the best moment of my life the best sex I

thought that was the pin I was like this is it and then you feel sex for real and you're like well this is gonna ruin my

life make my group the best sex I've had it was with my girlfriend kalila but the

second the best sex I've ever had was in Beirut really never tell you that story oh so this is crazy so I go to Beirut

with Sebastian Maniscalco yeah for the troops and Erik Griffin no we did shows

for it I'm not kidding you Hezbollah when was this

years ago yeah yeah but so we did this whole run in for Sebastian was Sebastian

oh yeah yeah no one knew who the guy at the store it was the guy at the store and Erik Griffin was just this fat black I know

you both very funny yeah many years ago and but we had done this [ __ ] in Middle East run so I don't

know if you know this but in the Middle East if you go on the internet and try to download porn you can't they block it

yeah yeah right so then it's like and I've always masturbated through pornography yeah so I for a month

I didn't masturbate at all he just I couldn't so just and then I kept saying

to the tour guys ago when are we going to Beirut because I knew that I could

have a process you'd have free there yeah and there soon three weeks I would like to have a calendar and just

be on the market and then we go to Beirut and so we go and there's this guy

named Camille and he's like our friend and he's running the shows right right

like promoting it you know through his production company or whatever and he lived in this gigantic white mansion as

soon as we walked in there was like goosies on the table no I'm not kidding I love this right and

then like um on the corner of this [ __ ] place Danny Masterson is eating spaghetti what

yeah why his brother I remember this this like Illuminati [ __ ] is crazy right wait why how do they

guys there because he's since he has a production company they're also doing a rave or something like that and Danny

Masterson's deejaying oh okay so they hired him to come right okay it's not like he's Hezbollah well

no we're all just there right because of this guy sure so I go right as a Camilla

and I'm just like shaking and I'm like [Laughter]

oh you want to go yeah yeah and he goes um super disco well that's what he says

to me super disco super disco I go what the [ __ ] is a super disco and he goes that's

where the prostitutes are oh and I go well can we go now you think no we gotta go an hour into

the desert Yeah right so I go when when he goes tomorrow we'll go we'll go to super disco and then

Masterson goes I want to go I'm not gonna help ya he's not that way but he

they just wanted to check it out I would want to check it out yeah he just wanted to check it out yeah I want to see it he

wanted to see it yeah but he didn't do anything with his brother so we so we if you're in Beirut every other Street

there's a tank right yeah yeah a 12 year old with a machine gun yeah yeah right and then you have stop

and then it's like you got you know passports papers yeah and all that stuff yeah so you're going out there you're

going out there takes forever to get out there you got in the desert and all of a sudden you see these three buildings

they look like skyscape scrapers in the middle of the desk in the middle of the desert and above them is like these like

you know like circus you know like circus circus like it's a super disco button let in that kind of font yeah

right yeah and then like bright lights you're a bright light yeah and we go and

we go downstairs and it's like you know I've ever been to it like a shitty

theater where it's like just black they have no you know I mean there's no set decorating it yeah black box black box

theater yeah black box the theater right that's what it looked like in the basement of this beauty the building is

beautiful its basement it's black you know mean and maybe a couple of like you know those 70 is like just disco ball

yeah right and it's like this music is playing and the women are just walking

in a circle they're just yeah they're just wandering around just pretending that they're not

partying but you could tell that they're just sex slaves slaves yeah second

living right and also they didn't to me I was just like this is too sad it was

Vette sounds [ __ ] prison yeah so so you so then I go to Camilla I

don't know these are a happier place like a super super disco any good no no

dude i I know I know the girl I know I may never find another girl okay so he disappears right he comes back with this

Moroccan lady right her name is Julia but she looked like a dark Julia Roberts

no I'm being serious as soon as I saw her my dick just yeah I mean yeah like

this right and like a little juice squirted out the top yeah yeah it was

like oh and he goes this is Julia and I go you know it's just you know when

women first see me they make a face yeah yeah they go like that make sense yeah yes so um what do we do now or I don't

have the word you know and he goes no you gotta come back tomorrow what you check this out

you gotta come back tomorrow and you gotta take her on a date if you take a process dude on a date I don't know rocky knees

or [ __ ] right because it's not really a [ __ ] it's just illegal right so you

have to just show up here right go through the motions of it and but it's gonna I go ok so I wake up the next day

and I go come here let's go you guys know you're going on your own how to the

super disco by yeah an hour in the desert by myself nope I go myself you

guys don't look at this piece of paper so he puts a piece of it right on the top it says Julia - OH - Johnny said it

was okay that's what it said Johnny said it was okay well Johnny said it was okay

I go who's Johnny he goes don't worry about it just give him the paper mm-hmm so I go in the cab

I remember this at this cab driver II got a you want to see minut that do I

go yeah he pulls up his shirt it's a full-blown

Adolf Hitler tattoo shut up on his [ __ ] stomach in Beirut in Beirut had a [ __ ] head Hitler

doing this sig hi Ida I have no idea why so I'm scared and then now feel safe for some reason and

also in every stop point yeah right it's harder because I don't know the language it's not like Camille could talk to

these people yeah so it's just it just takes longer would you have to keep saying super disco no I didn't say any

you can't say that so what does the taxi guy does it yeah he's like you know he's gonna go visit I don't know what he's saying right yeah yeah yeah yeah

so we go out there and the cat attacks it's during the day now it looks completely different oh it's just desert and just like 1970s

Soviet looking buildings oh my god and he drops me up and he goes he just

drives away yeah he knows right I go what the [ __ ] and I walk in there and

there's a table a long wooden table off to the side and there's probably about

ten Russian dudes Russian right drinking

Turkish coffee smoking cigars and they all have the the guns oh yeah yeah right

yeah and there just as soon as I walk in they go they just stare and I'm shaking

Andrew the papers just yeah yeah right and I go to the front desk and in there

was a doorway like that right yeah you know how in the doorway something does it have those like there's we beat yeah you are whatever to be [ __ ] hate oh

yeah so this July I got a Russian twice the size of these guys walks through

this [ __ ] thing what do you want who's also Dracula and I go oh Julia -

to Johnny said it was okay that's what he said right and he goes who's Johnny yeah and that

good question and I ran out of the [ __ ] building what yeah and I called Camille because

he had we these a makeshift like throwaway phones right right right burner phone burner phones Oh Johnny

Johnny there's a [ __ ] Johnny dude he's my friend go back in there we're gonna fight I'm

not going back in there so I go back in there but now the guys still behind the counter huge huge and these guys are

just staring at me yeah and I go back and I go yeah and he looks at me he goes

[Laughter] everyone's laughing right and I'm

laughing he goes here's your keys right

Kamille took care of it you know every single range only paid yeah he paid for

it and he goes and he gave me two remote controls one for the air remember one for the air conditioning and one for

this the TV remote I know it's weird they don't leave him in the room no they don't so I have two remotes and then I

have keys I go to room 202 and it literally is like you know the set this the the room

look like Munich 1972 I mean just 70's like giraffe but drowned not

only just oh it but very like the Soviet seventies yeah weird yeah yeah

uncomfortable very Anka the TV was like I didn't even know how to turn it on it was so old yeah the remote wasn't for the TV yeah I

don't know what it was for and i sat there on this couch just waiting for this girl and I waited there public for

an hour and a half she wasn't in the room No so you just sat in like a satiric just just I looked around a bit right I

looked outside you just desert what do you do back then there's no phones you know playing on a phone no that no I had

a makeshift as I'm saying so you just sit in silence just sat there and then um I get a knock on the door and she

comes in huh and um she doesn't speak English of course and she just goes she's grabs

my hand should we just sit on the couch I'm just sitting there I don't know what to say and then she starts licking

kissing my neck right and then I'm not kidding you out of my dick you came

already a little bit let me imagine a

month right yes right I could you could hear it like that right yeah and she

goes okay come on you know she's probably over the bed and she has

condoms out of this purse right the condom on and you put it on for you yeah okay and she's beautiful she's hot yeah

you should have asked Rudy to leave the room like an hour ago okay cuz koala knows a story you okay

with it you judge me for it alright don't be don't be judgy okay alright she's tired from school yeah

she's trying to learn as soon as I stick it in I calm what yeah I go oh right

away right away soaked okay that's good let's you know I mean she's no no flower

he paid for for know usually for some reason you have to be there because of this dating thing for a certain amount

of time right otherwise they know it's a prostitute right right

for hours because she goes but we could go anywhere you want so you can just

keep doing it yes so you did like 12 times really oh my god did you love it oh it

was the best for $200 that's all it was yes oh my god oh my god

so you just kept going you kept going I mean it by the 12th one you know I mean for advising the rock if you know Visine

drop comes in yeah yeah that's when your dick is like yeah so wait a minute how

do you say goodbye I don't you just got up and left yeah I just got put my clothes off bye-bye well

you give him a look like and then you hey you'll never forgive me I'm the guy

that comes right away rake rake on baby

I want to just say this right now I use my rake ons more than any other earbud device Bluetooth device is so slick it

has a button that you can press yeah because it's so easy to use there clear the base is better - way better yeah

here's something that we do want to save seriously we both use the rake on headphones they're incredible they're also half the price of any other premium

wireless earbuds so right now you're you're talking all these earbuds are charging hundreds and hundreds of dollars and their newest model the e25

it's their best one six hours of playtime what do you do at six hours that's a phenomenal or bluetooth pairing

it got way more bass it sounds amazing dude this it seriously probably the best had one out there we've heard a bunch of

celebrities talk about them snoop d-o-double-g so there'll be JR Smith

these people are all obsessed all I want to say to you right now is is that if you don't use them you're an idiot

you're an idiot because they're they're phenomenal they're better than all the other Bluetooth headphones that are out there and they're half the price now's

the time to get the latest and greatest from recon get 15% off your order at buy rake on Comm slash bad friends buy rake

on.com slash bad friends 15% off a rake on a wireless earbuds buy rake on Comm

slash bad friend a thing baby Buffy I'm gonna say this right now I usually don't

take Andrew Santino's recommendations that's insurance on what sure is he has really bad taste but not

sure when it comes to his linens dude he told me he gave me a Buffy [ __ ] comforter yeah it literally is the best

thing I've ever gotten from you dude and tosses it every [ __ ] night it's on our bed right really yeah it makes me smell real

I'm being real because I was like you have to take this home and use it I promise you like what and then when I use it so we are Buffy fans for life

trust me it's nice and compact and thin it doesn't feel like you're in a heavy comforter Bob and I wanted to temperatures you will eventually sweat

yeah I only three in the morning always Swiss one it does not you don't sweat no it's you go man it's softer than cotton

it's more earth friendly consumes ten times less water than most forms that would go into betting that in sales has

20,000 five-star reviews guys and Bob and I love it cuz a radius cruelty three stars cruelty free and hypoallergenic so

animals they're not hurting animals when they're making us a product they're offering a free trial free shipping and free returns let me say that again for

real it's free to try it and free to give it back if you don't like it name anything else that does that you

can try it in your own bed for free if you don't love it you can return it at their cost not yours for $20 off your

Buffy bedding go to Buffy dot co and enter the code that runs once again for $20 off a buffy bedding visit Buffy CO

and enter the code that's right yeah buddy every other prostitute know you have yeah why do you lie I've had three

of them you have three at once are you lying because and because of the HIV thing and because you've lied a

couple of times on this podcast are you being honest for real how about this from now on

especially on this specific podcast please don't um lie because I want to be

real I got a hand job in college from a prostitute that's it yeah I never had sex I'm so scared to have sex mmm that's

a scary thing for me any gay experiences it was the [ __ ] from the prostitute it was a guy no for real I did get a

[ __ ] from a prostitute at college at a party then you paid them yeah I was so sad I was like a frat boy party type of

[ __ ] and she was like a dancer they hired a girl to come dance right yeah and a buddy was like if you give her

like 20 bucks she'll jerk you off and I was like [ __ ] you yeah it's like I swear to god yeah so like

joking around joking around dancing with me doing a dance yeah you know we're tipping her like she's a stripper even

though we have like nine dollars to our name mm-hmm I sent my buddy said if I give you 20 bucks that you can help me out and she's

like oh yeah right now oh wow Wow it was like uh not in front of everyone

she's like okay whatever what do you want yeah I was like oh I don't maybe it's in the bathroom so I go to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet I was

super nervous this is so [ __ ] gross I found this story I sat on the toilet I just told you yeah but it's a favor

but yours is fun and mine sad that's both sad well here we go yeah I sat on

the toilet yeah and she's like mmm go on the sink like sit on the sink I send

this thing can I pull my pants down yeah and she goes to give me a [ __ ] and I

stopped her I didn't want she was how many dicks that she sucked that night I

don't know I got nervous can you get aids from a [ __ ] can you I don't think you can maybe I

think it's like 1% or well I didn't want to be the 1% I don't want to be the one guy that was like mom dad okay I got age

from a blow job at a hooker at school yeah I think about that funeral I know

he was a good man what year was it - hmm

2003 oh yeah what are you gonna survive yeah yeah we had medication you could

thicken the Michael Hill nervous what's that magic Johnson [ __ ] [ __ ] money he had money oh if that's true

so I just said do you mind can you what if you I my friend said you'll jerk me

off yeah and she was like oh okay whatever she couldn't have cared less yeah so she started pulling on my dick

yeah no condom lizard condom on No okay no that's why I got nervous I didn't the [ __ ] oh she's just pulling

on me pulling on me pulling on me and I was so in my head nervous yeah I you

didn't come I went soft oh that's the saddest story get ready she kept going she just kept

pulling on it soft for like maybe four or five minutes that's so and then I

said I gotta go I have to I have to go after God that's your story that was my ho prostitute story it's a saddest story I've ever heard

there's no ending I there was I left I know but that's not it's like a soft ending it was very soft yeah it's like

you asked if you wanted to know it's like the movies Sixth Sense without revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the

whole time she's dead now if that helps the process yeah yeah Wow the only one

time you've had it yeah that's such a scary idea really you're not scared you're not scared of it you know it's

funny um you know when I show many penises so many penises they've had yeah

but if you protect yourself it's like you know I know I just you know I want I want to be the only bell at the ball

listen I I understand I listen you there are times what I do think back at my

life and go why did you behave like that no I don't want to punish myself for

seedy behavior Yeah right I don't really but you know there is of

some shame associated to it because like Alex I'll tell a story at a pot on a

podcast and I can read the room yeah in the room going Oh yummy and then me

going oh my god I'm I am a weird guy huh yeah yeah I'm a weird guy yeah but it's

a good thing I don't you know it's we wouldn't had that Beirut story and we would have just had a story about a guy getting jerked off in a frat I know his

penis went soft but you know you know how much that hurt my feelings I thought from that day forward I was never getting an erection again I went

soft while a good-looking girl tugged on my penis yeah I got so scared yeah but you know I understood because we really

had trouble in and pressure I was so scared yeah you need me sometimes you want to be relaxed and she wasn't even looking at me while

she was doing it which was even more weird yeah I mean I have to justify my Beirut thing I don't know if I would

have done that if I was able to jerk off but I couldn't remember but for a month over a month yeah right so it was just

all pinned up in me and I you know I felt so much peer pressure for me it was more peer pressure yeah like it would be

cool to get a do I've lost my erection from the prostitutes all the time oh really like nine times in my life okay

what's your total prostitute number me yeah be honest on as close as you can

mentally because I know you probably forget I went I'm gonna give you the most

honest answer I can I usually I exaggerate yeah right i fumble the number numbers or you know yeah

over 300 what prostitute not sexual

partners women that you paid for sex yeah and I don't mean 300 times I mean 300 different women yeah huh-huh that's

a lot that's uh that's a fair amount it's not a lot no I think that's a lot

of that it's not now 300 times 300 I understand the English language so I

don't mean dick I don't mean how many times yet like I understand the English language and I'm telling you right now I've had sex with

what are you googling what the [ __ ] you googling well uh what's the average

amount of prostitutes men get percentage

of men by comedy country who pay for sex just because I want to see the average I mean Cambodia is killing it killing it

yeah Wow the show United States ranks three four five six seventh and about about 20% of

men here get prostitutes eighty percent of men and Cambodia get prostitutes in what'swhat's the listen but I want to

know the national average of number of prostitutes per man Cambodia men are quite ready to admit they seek the favors of prostitutes let's see what the

United States says down here why are we doing this I just it's like I try to I'm

honest with you and then now you're gonna rub it in my [ __ ] face I'm curious to know if that's an if that's

how I was trying to be uh I'm just honest with you okay how much so how

much money do you think you spent I don't dozens of thousands and thousands of dollars problem what's the average

cost of a process I want to say this okay that I don't look like you what's

the average I don't look it to me right now you're white piece of [ __ ] yeah me I don't look like you

you know I grew up you know I'm older than okay what's the average cost of a prostitute 2006 it was about 340 14 it

was 260 I guess that's not that bad so you haven't spend that much what's

the most you spent well there was a girl in Vegas that I'd spent a thousand a pop

a thousand per time mm-hmm how many times did you pop 12 times probably it's

over a series of six seven years yeah oh so every time you went to Vegas you would go that's you'd see her yeah and

you gave her around 12 grand maybe hmm that's not mom yeah if you got

it you got it I mean that's just a little bit more than the go bananas guy gave you I guess yeah that's why you

know but look at me look at me when I say that I don't give a [ __ ] look at me yeah I'm not judging I don't care it's fine I'm just I didn't know three 300

sounds like a lot yeah it just sounds like a lot it may not be a lot but okay I'm 48

yeah all right and also you have to understand that if you've been doing it for 20 years when I was in in in the 80s

right when I was a young man all right I graduated high school in 1990 Wow I was

in all these unrequited love situations where I would have a crush on a girl I

would do everything I can for them to like me I would stay in these like friendships with them for like six

months to a year even they would Danny another dude and I stick around hate that and be there you know be their

friend and supportive meanwhile I'm so jealous and I don't know what to do because I'm and I feel so um I had this

negative image of me sexually I just when I looked in the mirror I didn't get who I was I like that that's me I said

oh so my point is I I can name you the women Ashley Brown Rebecca Dreskin and

Abby elderness I was just in these relationships where it's just like they I was in a room with a girl while she

was [ __ ] another guy at a party and I loved her cooking yeah did you watch

yeah did you let her watch I was just in laying down next to them what she [ __ ] you know said that's who

I was you laid down next to her and she had said on another bed but like it was in the same room and I remember pretending to sleep and she I know that

she's [ __ ] this other guy Wow right and so when you're in these and so you

know listen to the whole thing you didn't say anything when I watch a movie

I'll watch the complete movie even if I don't like it this is a really sad much I saw trolls that cartoon movie was what

a good film and at any point during the movie did a troll [ __ ] another troll in front of another case yeah so you had

all this oh you know Ramage yeah and also I had this poor self-image I was sober yeah you know I was in going to a

meetings and you know the first woman woman to ever had sex with me really

that wanted to have sex with me is when I was 23 I had prostitutes before that

when I was 17 I've been doing that but I remembered it distinctly I was during at The Comedy Store La

Jolla time out the prostitutes before that were Tijuana yeah yeah go ahead I

just wanna graph is this you know I feel like this is I feel so shameful about this whole thing why you shouldn't feel

any shame but I know what is I've talked about it before it's way back there it's in the past who cares okay I remember it

I was Doering on a Saturday night yeah and there was a white chick in the front row and it back then if you were a

doorman at the Comedy Store on a Saturday you get to host one of the shows right to door men I think I still

do that I don't they might yeah but um so I always did the second show and I

remember having a that was a new comic but I accidentally had a really good set

and then it was when Princess Diana died oh how fun I was so good and there was a

girl that was visibly a beautiful girl that was visibly shaken by Princess Diana she was crying

oh sure why are you crying you know when the showroom is leaving right because I

had to close out the show so imagine she's in the front row I get offstage the show rooms getting up and we just

kind of get bundled together Charcot why you crying she's died thing

is really and I go oh I hope you have I rubbed her back and I said I hope you have a good you know mean now I hope you

feel better you know like some insel [ __ ] mm-hmm desperate [ __ ] yeah

you're right yeah and then I'm [ __ ] cleaning toilets you know I mean

afterwards yeah at the store just with a mop you know man and Fred burns lay these

are matters or the club I go what your phone call and I go hello and she goes

hey how was that girl um that was that you said about the princess diet I go yeah did you lose it oh your wallet what

what do you not um you want to hook up I go what what do you mean a job offer

like I had no idea right and the next thing I know two days later I'm 69

hanger and her mom's closet in Oceanside California I'm literally her ass I'm eating her

[ __ ] right how funny I'm in a closet and I'm looking up and couldn't believe it how old are you 23 Wow and then from

then on right I used so that's when all that prostitution stopped for me when

you got a real girl no when I started doing stand-up right you know and that one stand-up happened like you know I

did frank caliendo's podcast yesterday in a bunch of guys were like you always got hot chicks yeah since I've been

doing stand-up right before that no before because I didn't have a voice or it had no confidence I don't know who I

was always with this weird Korean dude you don't mean the way I talk the way I am imagine not having comedy you know I

mean as your backup at your foundation and just me be me but being a busboy at

PF Changs you'd be like that's unfuckable [ __ ] yeah but every but every someone's for

everybody you see some really ugly people they said I'm not ugly I'm cute as [ __ ] but my point is is that you said

you felt I felt it but then by doing comedy and then you know you know when

you get successful and things happen you slowly have a different image of yourself right and then all of a sudden

I honestly feel as sexy Chris D'Elia or anybody else you do I do

your sex level is as high as that guys no not in terms of ratio you know mean

but what I'm saying in terms of how I feel about myself yeah is like that that's great I don't I don't look in the

mirror and go anymore like oh look at this [ __ ] weirdo I go yeah you go

[ __ ] yeah yeah Wow and that's over that's because for over 20 years I've

been doing this that's a great place to be and I've built my confidence up and I've um you know you feel you feel super

you feel comfortable that's what it is which is comfortable I feel like but you ever look at kalila naked when you're

naked yeah get out of here she can't hear this stuff you can do you guys ever

see each other naked you ever look at her naked and you're like wow and then do you ever have a moment of like oh boy

oh boy one cuz you look at you and you know just different never never she's in

phenomenal shape no I mean I'll the other day I like she wasn't there but I was erect I just pulled my dick out in

front of her she didn't the broad daylight right you know man right what did she I sent you the photo right

I do remember that she sent me the photo too I know she did yeah you both you both sent me the photo look and I was I

wasn't criticizing the prostitute thank you I'd like to know if the fans want to answer how many prostitutes they've had that'd be kind of nice water I don't

advocate I don't advocate anybody doing that Yeah right but you know why not but

be if you're in unrequited relationships all the time yeah right and you in and sex becomes especially when you're a

young man in your early 20s and it becomes you know mean such a you you you

build it up right yeah and you make it like you know your number one priority it's the only thing that matters right

what I did was I somebody or this old

guy once told me that prostitution is a launching pad I think Oh prostitution is

a launching pad yeah I feel like that phrase isn't over it is over yeah I know I mean it's I know I go I asked him then

he goes yeah just because you know once you started having sex right it doesn't become as important

right and it'll ease you into you know mean other relationship you'll be more

comfortable more comfortable basically it's training wheels yeah yeah it's also arm you know you think if you're already

having it yeah right then it doesn't become as you know mean did you ever

fall in love with a prostitute did you ever catch feelings no you never caught feelings once no never once did

you go man I really actually kind of like this girl no wow no did they ever

catch feelings for you do you ever have one that was like kind of attached to you and wanted to see you a lot I've had

women that should be prostitutes and feelings for me yeah yeah I've had some

weird really weird [ __ ] man yeah yeah

like like I can't see her name part there was this girl that used to work at the column just like hang out at the Comedy Store

mm-hm and like for years I hit on her when I was around know

okay before your time and then the time I hooked up with her she bit my [ __ ]

thigh so hard while she was but like after she was blowing you like she was kissing me and then she just bit me not

so [ __ ] hard here that he started bleeding I still came sure

yeah afterwards but then afterwards I was like what the [ __ ] she was like I

was just into it you know after I came yeah right so I was doing it and bleeding you know mean and she doing it

why did you do that you know and so you know you just weird [ __ ] you know yeah

you've been through that you've been through it on oh my god I'm just so fascinated I want to know I want to know like how the I just want to

know how like that world works where you get comfortable with prostitutes mmm cuz this isn't it uncomfortable no it's not

even a little bit no don't you get afraid what if you're afraid of the cops you're afraid of getting caught what if it's a sting you know they have those

bust operations you ever seen on than on shows it's like a fat bald guy and in the prostitutes in a wig it's so

obviously not a real prostitute and they're next door in a motel knowing we're gonna bust happen to be my [ __ ]

that's what happen with Mike Young and they kick boy well what you and Mike I told you that no oh [ __ ] man what happened so one night it

was like we're at the Comedy Store yeah and it's 3:00 in the morning okay

yeah this is probably in 2001 okay okay

mm yeah and we were looking through the LA Weekly or whatever or the rally we

read or whatever it's called right where the other prostitutes yeah and we're like how much money do you have and I had just booked a commercial

in the commercial money it just came in yeah what was the commercial it was a El Pollo Loco El Pollo Loco got yeah I see

we're headed dance like a chicken in the street it was one of those commercials where um we're like you know it's just

everyday life right yeah where the cop pulls over you mean the kid from the [ __ ] bench gets up the cop gets out

of the car you know I mean people just start wandering the street and we all start doing the chamber I remember I

lived in Silver Lake and I remember the cholos right yeah would see me and go hey there's the guy and they would do

the ya know that's that's wonderful yeah but so um yeah so one night we look at

this week and a week whatever it is and we find a girl and we call it and it was

there was a hotel on Sunset like a Best Western yeah it's a Best Western right there yeah and so she just you know

we're we're here but this is where it this room it's like right across the street right and and Mike and I go over

there and we see the room and then we see the curtain open you can see two men

in the curtain white dudes right older look up and then when they kind of see

us and they put that shade back down right why you whirling no no I'm saying

cuz because you know what's going on so I'm like what the [ __ ] shady and Mike goes I'm out I'm not

we got try right yeah and you go wouldn't you do it

so he sat on the sunset and I walked up there I knocked on the door and there

was a woman there she there was a little Latino a little older yeah and she did not look like a prostitute

he's right she's doing a row right yeah I mean and she kind of looked you know she's smoking like a congresswoman right

that's what she look like you know made and I go you cop and she just looked at

me and I just walked away she didn't say a word no yeah goodbye mm-hmm crazy yeah you

almost got [ __ ] busted could you imagine what that does well getting caught with that I mean [ __ ] you yeah

just I think that would [ __ ] you up yeah I think that would have [ __ ] me up at the time that would [ __ ] you up yeah yeah I can't you'd been on mad I

think I was just on it yeah yeah no I don't think I think that would that would have stung so bad yeah so do you

ever think about that when you get part when you got prostitutes back and they did you think about cops or no but you think that you think okay number one all

right I had never gotten an LA one the only way we would we would do um I can't

say the names but we would we would do lunch runs what do you mean so I would

have when you were working at the club no there would be comics that would call when you would text yeah and you would

they would say lunch run right yeah and you always you always knew what lunch

run man yeah kurz right right so there was a place in the City of Industry

right so sad called Hawaii theatre the best sounds

terrible it's terrible yeah and you walk in the Hawaii theatre and it's there's a these it's black box he kind of you know

yeah but there was like a nice stage with bamboo and coconut dangling yeah

and it's like this makeshift kind of strip club but it was a you know a brothel and it'd been there for years

like people knew about that play it's not no longer there right but so we would either go there or we go to Mexico

or I would do it in Las Vegas Vegas is the most common yeah but Vegas feels

forceful because it's a part of the game out there who cares dude it's it it's a business exchange sure but if it

but it should but to get look to get caught and get in the paper and have

your name and all that stuff that's that's just that legal right in Vegas or in in Nevada and not in the city yeah

yeah but it's you know so Mike Mike I got taken by somebody who I won't mention to a I got taken by to a really

nice nightclub right strip club yeah trip club night club whatever Vegas is all the same and

someone I'm with is jokingly saying like he's on a TV show no and this is when I

first did I'm dying up here the first season and and and she's like you know these two really beautiful women all

around us all this stuff and they have a table and she'd they're both like come upstairs with us and they're prettier

than any of the girls at that they're like the two hottest girls and I go upstairs and you know I'm up there and I'm thinking another it's gonna give me

a double dance it'll be fun you know I'm getting a dance and I'm gonna do wife gonna be mad at this no okay no it's

fine strip clubs are fine so it's like they're getting a dance I'm thinking that okay and then the one

girls like hey you want to have like real fun and I was like mmm this is fun it seems like real fun yeah and she's

like no no no [ __ ] that [ __ ] like we know you're on TV he told us so-and-so told us like you're a TV you got money let's have some fun

let's [ __ ] spend some money who gives a [ __ ] and I was like no no Nona and she goes look a thousand dollars for both of

us and anal anal I know like it was tire

shine like it was like it's like you know those like it was so she she said

and anal and I said oh no I'm not trying to I'm not trying to have sex and she's like come on come on come on I go I just want the answers I want so I give him a

couple hundred dollars getting a dance getting dancers keep dancing they keep beg and bugging me for i bugged me for i bugged me for and then finally she like

grabs my dick and she's like let's go don't be such a [ __ ] [ __ ] and I was like I don't I don't want I don't want

to have sorry man I don't want to know no when I said that go ahead what now if

it was like if you were if you didn't if you weren't if I was single and you were single now studying weren't prostitutes

would you a [ __ ] them out regular style well yeah okay if I was singing those two girls in a club yeah yeah yeah yeah but by the way

in a Vegas thing that would have been prostitutes no matter what yeah cuz they would have [ __ ] they woulda been like we need some money mmm and then I'd be like what are you

talking about and then a big black guy would walk in like they need their money yeah oh [ __ ] okay here's some money no

but I just I didn't I was like no I'm out but when I said I don't want to have sex cuz you can't say it you can't use that language at strip clubs you know that

right once you start talking about expletives then they're like hey hey hey hey hey right you have to use code right right so they

stood up and freaked out and left the room and then one of the bouncer guys one of the big black dudes walks in he's

oh let's go you out let's go to you yeah and they kick me my cuz I would I mean they they were like strong-arming

me to [ __ ] and I was like I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't want to I mean I wanted to but I wasn't caught you know I mean I was like of course I want to [ __ ]

these two trash bags but like no I of course no I don't want to I don't want to no thank you but a thousand bucks for

two plus the butts is pretty nice isn't it one time I was in the Bellagio and I masturbated just in the middle of the

casino what and I remember Ike Barinholtz grabbing my hair and dragging

me out of the for you wasted is the this is so I had been sober for 12 years yeah

and then I had relapsed when I got on that TV in Vegas well no not in Vegas

why were you going to Vegas with a bunch of MADtv people went out there okay right and you know I had never done

ecstasy before it's so fun right yeah after 12 years right had never had never

done it so I did it and I just found myself just wanting to masturbate in public oh yeah yeah and then he I

remember him dragging me by my hair to get you out of getting out of the hotel were you still jerking off as he dragged

you I think my pants were like he's so funny what a crazy [ __ ] City man so

you watch 90-day fiance love all right so when we watch it I always tell her right cuz you know I'm

Edie and that Rose loved that right at a dinner oh yeah I always tell that [ __ ] her I go you're [ __ ] lucky

aren't you Yeah right you could have been Rose yeah you could have been [ __ ] Rose did you see the pictures of Eid when he was

young no was he caught what was he hot dude let me see

edie from 90 day fiancé when I was young if you guys know I'm talking about he's mayonnaise head he got they call Mayo

head look at this this is Ed when he was young they posted these pictures online this is him when he was young

look at that good-looking dude right there right there's two more that are better with neck the neck hold on

there's what there's tears - those aren't so easy the neck hold on hold on well this is him look at this is him

with male huh this is big Edie putting mayo in his [ __ ] hair yeah that's Mayo hedad yeah look at that neck yeah it's

as if like he got to a car accident in his head to hit the windshield and it didn't break you know like it just

squished him down yeah but look there's there's young I want to find these young pitchers they got revealed online somebody that he's friends with on his

personal Facebook page apparently put up these old photos mmm look a look a look this is him right there that's it right

there look at this look at that [ __ ] photo of this guy oh [ __ ] hold on look at how good-looking he is right there

you're right is he good-looking yeah crazy good-looking back then yeah dude

that's a good-looking [ __ ] guy that's it surprise that [ __ ] amazed at the shame gawking that's the same guy Wow

right and then this is him - they have one more another Wow one more he's holding his daughter in one of these

when she's young yeah there it is and look at that the neck isn't as bad by the way we

shouldn't look at his legs though well look at him now this is what I look like

when I'm taking a [ __ ] yeah when I'm taking a [ __ ] that's what I look like sweating straining folding

this is also when my penis looks like when I get out of water you know what's

sad about that show it's the it's the catfish ones like that black ladies so

many of them are Yolanda yo Mike or that one way yo and her boyfriends name is it's like a plural

it's like Matthews yeah Matthews what is it yeah or that one guy that went to the

Ukraine right cuz he's seven years he hadn't met the woman seven [ __ ] years

he still thinks she's coming out of the wood this guy's never met this girl and yeah seven years later he thinks she's a boy what he spent $100,000 on just a

[ __ ] a sight yeah yep right he all my video no video videos right only

personal only Chad Chad yeah only chat oh if I was his friend but but here's the problem

you can't tell a guy like that yeah you can you can't oh you can no because a guy like that thinks there thinks there

was hope no no what would you say I'm him ready and I'm yeah okay I'm him ready like

what's up Bob you wanted to meet today yeah dude I'm number one all right I don't even know why I'm friends with you doing what we've been

friends since we're I just can't understand that but we're friends right are we not we're best buds as far as okay yeah and I love you right I love

you too right see this at my hand yeah it's called a gun oh my gosh yeah what do you have if

you get on the [ __ ] flight I'm gonna [ __ ] kill you dude all right gotta catch my flight I mean just somebody's

got tits talk sense he doesn't have family members that just to pin him down and you're the problem bro these you guys never had anything

they never had any they never had love so they think this could be the one these guys never had a normal

interaction with a woman this guy thinks this is the one time he's gonna finally win that's heartbreaking

it's so [ __ ] heartbreak I can't not stop watching I have to watch I have to and you know who my favorite you know

and they watch when they be we're not caught up so we were lit with how many episodes Willy four episodes then okay well how about this you know I should go

there's another show where they watch the other members can't pass members watch the show from bet you've seen that

yeah I've seen that yeah and then my favorite one is what I can't read he's that he's the fat Buddha belly guy and

she's the Filipino girl let that like you know there are my [ __ ] she makes me laugh so hard

yeah she has a good comment for everything yeah the show is phenomenal if you haven't seen it people at home you should watch it watch it yeah it's

we're totally caught up with this guy too you know the all these guys are I feel bad for almost everybody okay so

that guy said that guy right there right yeah this got to make his whole claim his old claim is like she's using me

that's that yes yeah I'm sorry that ain't a [ __ ] exchange that's the show

we all know what this exchange is right I can't get you know mean I can't get

what I need Nene you can hear you need you want to come here right swap it up we [ __ ] swap

it up all right you give me push pause right now give you cards she thinks

she's citizenship yeah who gives a [ __ ] yeah well that's like we don't care in America when an old it's a young woman it's the same thing

it's a it's a trade off yeah they get what they need it's right I don't think I think that this dude right here that

Suzy the Russian guys they get girls here well so what is his deal then why does it good news because he's

good-looking is this guy good-looking no no but he's not ugly no he's not ugly

but he's what he's okay he's okay yeah but he there was a girl in his hometown

that she's like yeah I mean and he's like I'm gay and I have to run away

because I have to hide the fact that I wore no it's just that it's like it's too easy no I don't think that's it I

think he's got some weird he needs it I think he needs a I think you need he

needs a control thing uh she gets here right that's very bright yeah thank you

control it's a control thing yeah the other girl is a real relationship she can leave at any time all right this guy gets his girl to

America she's stuck there stuck yeah by the way to go through this process yeah they have to live together for a certain

amount of time they have to prove that they're staying together for a certain amount of time otherwise she lose the sister ship so he knows and she knows

they both have to weigh all these like elements out she's not dumb so she's like I still want to get to the States I

don't care what it takes he can be like why I might get drunk and hit her one time she can't leave she

can't leave especially I wanted to tell her through the screen it's like it's not as if he lives in Nashville where

does he live he lives in Tennessee but like in the boondocks a little bit yeah right so I wanted to say that you know

me lady it's just woods out there or usually that's where he can kill you yeah this is the girl that you were

talking about rose that's right I always look at [ __ ] Giuliana looks like Roy

no I know and I go you got here right without any of this [ __ ] yeah you should

be grateful are you grateful yeah that's pretty impressive that does kind of look like you a little bit yeah

when you smile let me see her smile look at that smile yeah do that same face that she's doing there it is that's it

right there yeah yeah but the thing is is um like this - it's like when he was asking her about

like I want you to take an STD test yeah he asked her he wanted to test it bro you're not you haven't had [ __ ] in

a decade get a little bump it's on your dick who cares who [ __ ] cares love bumps an itch also an STD test he goes I

want you to take an STD taste to make sure that you weren't with other partners yeah how about you take a test cuz you're just gonna say that what if

he yeah but also why doesn't Egypt why wouldn't you just if she said no if he

said would you know about your sexual status she said no why would you Scott wall just will just wear a condom man and if she was like I don't want to wear

a condom then just go okay well then we should just get tested no [ __ ] her no

condom I'm agreeing I'm saying if it was that big of a deal to this guy yeah what was he scared when you look like that

Yeah right and you have a 23 year old girl mayo add throw throw the dice I

like the guy I gotta tell you I do not be in I mean he's a very likable guy the whole show is filled with very fun

lovable people yeah I just liked it I just feel bad sometimes for Rose I know

I feel bad for these girls cuz I know like when they when he goes to kiss her yeah it gave me the chills and what I

feel bad is that way they it's like when a serial killer like pets the victims head before they kill them yeah it gave me chills in my chest yeah it's

also like I feel bad that when she's like on the bottom and he's on top and she wants to put his she goes I want to

put my hand around his neck he asks her Oh put your hands around my body and she

can't she doesn't know which part is what I can't cuz its neck in his stomach

exactly I can't you're a bowling pin yeah Wow hey do you want to hear um do

you want to hear our boy undressed he is got material do you want to hear it yeah oh he's unavailable Wow

yeah that's a ton of the nerve out of this guy yeah let's let's call this

[ __ ] and see what he's got to say for himself

look at how nervous you're gonna make him Bob yell at him Bob seriously get

really upset hello hey dude it's Bobby

hey he what the [ __ ] I do not work for us yes I did

they're one-way [ __ ] call you're not gonna [ __ ] up pick up your foot that [ __ ] line dude what do you mean yep

yep oh no we tried to [ __ ] hook up with you on on the on line on the under

to do the stand-up a dude what the [ __ ] man uh-huh we're [ __ ] shooting now

you [ __ ] the guy three throwing at my

computer blindly waiting for you Bobby what we that's what you [ __ ] say but

we [ __ ] I mean I get it do but you got to be more on the ball dude yeah

[Applause] we're gonna do the stand-up next week do

you want to do it this week okay no we'll do it next week because I want him to dude Bobby was joking around Andres I

just want you to be more natural and not do like bump bump jokes and just talk about you know I'm in your day what do

you say I don't know what he's saying what do you say what do you say he's a

good set I want to see I want to hear it let's do it Andres I'm gonna call you and then we'll

do the video okay okay right oh you want me to I'll FaceTime

you I'll FaceTime your phone okay okay okay hey Andres yeah say I love you I

love you guys okay we'll call you right now you really that [ __ ] hurt his

feelings in the weirdest way Andres the fancy beer or Sunday okay here we go

there yeah look at our sweet sweet boy hi bud hey buddy oh we can't hear you

why can't we hear you over that hairline can you hear us no no this is funny yeah

he said it was Mike give us a thumb up a thumbs up if you can hear us oh yeah we

can't hear you doc we can't hear you no I'll tell you when we can hear you

how long do you think we could do this for and the audience will watch us trying to connect with him if you know

do you think they're already gone yeah all right let's okay oh and race and race we have a fix because it's not

working so stand back a little bit and then stand right there and put the mic up to your mouth and then we'll do the

know a little bit yeah right there and then we'll do the jokes for you and you just mouth it okay here we go I'm

andreas eye from Spain how's everybody

doing tonight I hope everybody if you just keep moving your [ __ ] mouth

Andres how's everybody doing tonight so listen I just got back from traveling

overseas and boy are my arms tired and my immune system because of coffee ha ha

this guy knows this guy this guy in the front right here this guy I'm pointing to right now he knows what I'm talking

about ha ha ha I'm Spanish and that there's difference between Spanish and Mexican we only fry our beans once we don't

refry it twice that was good [ __ ] I'm sad I'm sad we

can't hear any of these jokes I don't know why the mic isn't working but we wanted to hear all these jokes you had prepared what happened we can't hear you

yeah poor bastard alright well anyways thank

you thank you we love you we're sorry that this didn't work we'll get you next week Bobby says sorry and thank you he

was kidding tell him your kid I love you Andre I really do I love this guy we love you baby is a good dude hi sweetheart I just I

also want to mention that yeah you know my agent said that we probably won't be

going on the road until 2021 and how do you feel about that super bummed actually we we you and I

had a little talk off the air about it I don't want to spread rumors to make people get weirded out yeah but I think

the truth of the unfortunate truth of that Bob and I talked about is we were gonna do shows together you know I mean

we we had gigs lined up with Kalin and shop yeah we were just gonna do and do a tour with just us and that we that

wasn't gonna be till maybe beginning in the year next year anyway but now it's we're gonna have to see what happens but

I don't know man I really don't think we're gonna be doing anything until next year hey Jules when we do go on the road

though you know that if them him and I go on the road yeah that you have to go yeah you're coming you have to sell merch and also all the fans will know

who you are yeah you do have to come you have to come will you we'll fly you out look at your hotel room you look like a

[ __ ] Queen yeah we get you'll fly out you have a nice hotel you had to eat and drink whatever you want

that's insane what are you gonna learn from school that you can't learn from us tell me something you're learning right

now that you don't think I could teach you biology chemistry biology yeah okay

what hey ways and burners by biology the

Bunsen Oh what are you learning right now in biology what's one thing you're learning right now gene mutation I have

one red hair that's a gene mutation or [ __ ] it what x-men x-men that's another gene x-men you had to watch planet Earth with Attenborough's

David Attenborough okay so we got that covered what else got that done history go ahead oh man have you ever seen I was

frozen it was when the you that's when everything was frozen and we were chasing the Russians because they we

wanted to get to the moon first right watch East Eastern Promises whatever that movie's term promises where they [ __ ] stab it and [ __ ]

spas yeah you need that what else is there something else you're learning yeah well covered so you're coming with

us I'm honest okay we do five up top Oh a five-step standard if we write Joe true you will you open the show we know

you what you won't do it yeah how about this if you open by closer to the mic Jules [ __ ] if you open the show for us

we'll give you five hundred dollars and all you have to do is walk out open the

show how many people would you think would be on our Charles who knows after all this [ __ ] [ __ ] we probably do we

could help me draw about a six hundred a thousand thousand maybe who knows yeah I don't know so only a thousand people

would be there that's not a lot that's fine we could do a smaller one just just try it out at first fifty room yeah 250

or 300 which I don't want to do that

she's sweating can you let's we'll give you a Bible games right that you write a

joke yeah you will write the jokes but I don't know I know but the thing is is

that you have to go in knowing that you're not gonna get them to laugh right you know it's gonna be you already know it's people already gonna know that it's

gonna be your first time and that they already know that right so no matter what happens who cares yeah who gives a [ __ ] don't

you think that's fine you're gonna do it

and you're gonna [ __ ] you're gonna get paid you're gonna be performer we could get you some spots at the store too No

so hopefully we'll be able to go on the road if we but we'd go on the road in the summer you could go on the road god

I hope but wait a minute aren't you done isn't school done for you no she's in school now no I mean I'm saying but when

is it over when are you done yeah but inmate she's only a junior oh I thought

you were I thought you were last year oh [ __ ] yeah but you're 18 are you senior

when you're right let me she's Philippine she's from the Philippines oh so you're older and cool is does everybody love that in your class was

that cool that you're older than them they don't know they don't know today did they do you have a lot of good

friends in school no she's like that's quiet you know she's she's that quiet mysterious girl she's very nice and

sweet you know she's just kind you know but did you miss Ally Sheedy and like in Breakfast Club yeah man

do you make any good friends in school do you have any good friends I know like people but girls all girls um two guys

and one girl Jesus Christ Bobby what are you letting her to she's not this girl isn't you're not you know boys are

trying to date are they trying to date you they better not because you know Tito you know it'll [ __ ] hang on what killed Tito [ __ ] murder these two alpha so

the two boys and the girl are they are they American are they foreign do you have any foreign friends good stay away

from them yeah if you want it you want to succeed and don't think about it Jules but you will be going on the road

with us and when you can no doubt can and then you'll sell merch right yeah

you could tell your teacher it's like a like an internship yeah it is so you can get out of she'll do it because at this

point if you're gonna continue to do this right people are gonna know who you are yeah and you're a part of the show

now okay yeah because we got the vote we got literally there was a poll that I

didn't even put up ninety eight point six percent of people preferred you over George no really yeah yeah ninety eight

ninety eight point six in that seat they said they think you're doing it from now on you know that right yeah get closer

to the mic right you're doing this from now on right okay or let's thank you for

being a hey yeah two things yeah

love you love you too thank you for being a bad friend [Music]

you