The Diamond Brothers | Ep 149 | Bad Friends

hey bad friends my special cheeseburger is out right now on Netflix please watch it please share it tell people double

thumbs up like it and tell everyone you know to watch cheeseburger on Netflix right now you two are bad friends who

are these two idiots

[Music] or something we're bad friends

yeah yeah oh that song yeah well that's Blondie I stole yeah I stole I had I

stole I shouldn't say that I took two bags field of clothes it was so cool and

guess what Jesse did juicy what she stole her shoes from Herman Munster

let me see your shoes what the [ __ ] oh those are tight those are tight who makes you like them no oh I thought

would you wear them what would you these aren't for Andrew you would never wear

those Orthopedics yeah they're good for my back yeah they're very um juice what

are you doing with these big old stilts I want to be taller no they look tight I'm not gonna lie that's what's tipped out for the kids yeah these are cool

wait wait that's what's hit for the kids 100 that is absolutely a hip shoe for the kids type in Hip shoes for kids I

will say I had red laces on them and then last night at the store people told me to take them off because I guess that's what the Nazis are doing yeah

yeah you know that yeah well they love the color red yeah and black yes we do yeah yeah wait what no do hip shoes for

Gen Z you're gen Z aren't you I'm a millennial but thank you are you really I thought you were gen Z 32. oh you just

made it right is that what it is or no you're the you're like oh there they are wow wow batega that's how much mine was

yeah those are fifteen hundred dollars yeah oh wow wow I've been saving up all

my money for that amazing well let's give a lot of let's give love where love is due what I gotta tell you something

man I love you you've been I love you you were a little hostile the other night can I let's move on can I talk

about it a little hostile but let's move on from it no because can I talk about it it's gonna enrage me and I want a

moon no you're not listening please go ahead can you let me finish it's an apology I'm saying I I am I told you I'm

sorry that night because I didn't like an interaction and I love you and I even sat on the stairs

I said I don't want something like that to get between us and look at me in the face it never will it never will again really yeah because I was pissed off not

at you but it came at me well you know why I was mad and you agreed that it was not okay what happened I didn't do

anything no no so the interaction that you had before me was not okay which I agree with yeah but you brought that

hostility into into my life look at me I apologize I love you one two three I

love you I love you so much I apologize I was bummed and Bobby didn't deserve

any of the anyway I saw him walking to the hallway and I can just tell he has like that Northman thing

he brings his shoulders in and he's just like Walking Dead He's directly toward me right now I look for axes when they

have you know when they walk like that I look for the axes and the night yeah that's exactly for all that [ __ ] right so does he have that no it's probably in

the car in my head right it is and he comes up to me he goes hey you yeah like you know like a biker like a bike

Japanese Viking oh that's my Vikings hey you

is that a pirate kind of yeah I don't know kind of piratey yeah hey yo hey that's good yeah and you just how come

you like something about like phone calls I haven't make any phone calls for people I love when you make phone calls

yeah that's what it is I need you to make phone calls no because you were trying to get me to call people no I

know what it was yeah I know exactly what it doesn't matter no I wanna could I just bring it up yeah fine all right how come your agent you bought my agents

yeah right and it was about like what do it have to do with my agents I say pick up the [ __ ] phone and tell them to say yes to the goddamn I understand

we're trying to go on tour it's eight o'clock at night though we're trying to go one tour see there it is send them an email anyway I accept your apology and

they're well that's that I love you God bless I love you too and can I say something what

two things one thanks to the fans locally in La sold out the shows for the

bad friends uh uh two nights and all the money's going to the um door humans what can I just say

something yeah you want to keep some of the money no can one of the doorman not get any money

yeah you know what's so funny yeah no not you no no yeah she doesn't get anything no I want her to get them we

did the math because we were talking about what if there's one door guy that doesn't do a good job we're like What if

he doesn't get the money and we did the math and it's like an extra 22 dollars for each of us nice so it's kind of not

worth it that's how much you're making no if you we divided it into oh I see the 26 26 door people right so it's kind

of not worth just like stabbing them in the back

he's so [ __ ] funny yeah whatever he did I'm gonna laugh go ahead

go ahead okay Arrangement you're doing the Northman thing again I'm not North Menon at all yeah he's not doing the

shoulder but I can tell the shoulders are down all right good what do you do so you know how the main room front door

after the show starts is completely closed yeah right so then what we have

to do is we have to go all the way around the building it's not that big of a deal yeah

no I started with you yeah yeah I was just saying yes I have something in my throat I know his house

still I'm good okay so anyway um so I'm in the patio I'm gonna make me go

all the way around that's not the point you're gonna be making me go all the way

around you're gonna make me go all the way all the way around Oh no you're gonna make

me go all the way around dude okay so he made you go all the way around

so what the door was closed you made you go all the way no that's not what happened I'm in the patio I'm like I

gotta get in the main room because I lost I left my jacket in the main room Green Room you've done that it's everything so I go let me just

check the front door right so I go out in the front door I'm about to approach

it right I'm kind of where the opening where the patio is I'm coming around the corner yeah I see Lockwood walk out of

the main room front door he looks at me smiles and shuts the door

awesome shout out to Matt Lockwood and I go the bro you look you saw me you couldn't hold the door and he's like hey

my man policy dog right and so I had to go all the way around

hello yeah why don't you keep a couple jackets in the main room green room because you've left so many why don't you just act like a secondary closet

what do you mean I still have to go back to get the jackets no but I'm saying leave a couple jackets there if I leave the jacket all the jackets will be there

no I have to go all the way around oh wait you know I mean I don't go all the way around make it your jacket closet

just or what about this how about not close the front door I like that that's better it makes more sense it doesn't

make any sense because what if people come to the show late they gotta do little knock right they do

but that that's their message that's the store's message saying yeah don't be late show already started anyway so can

we not give him money [Laughter] that sounds good because I gave him [ __ ] about it and he goes I

don't give a [ __ ] dog he does not he does not he does not and so now I'm believing that he wants to start some

sort of war with me he does okay that being said I need to win

let's call him up yeah let's see what this [ __ ] guy's got to

say I told him you really like to be like uh complimented and stuff yeah I

don't need that what the [ __ ] you're talking about delete that yeah you do leave that in you're a

little bastard hey you're on bad friends Bobby's out here saying uh that he

thinks you're trying to start a war with him because you closed the door on him from the front and you made him go all

the way around to the back yeah [ __ ] can do some exercise whoa oh [ __ ] could use some exercise

listen I'm not trying to start a war dog but you know if he wants to come at me he's gonna he's gonna come at somebody

who's gonna fight back so what do you got to say buddy the war zone the war is on the world

let's go let's go all right he's not afraid of you I know you're not because I'm small and you're a big guy I get it

oh so you're saying he's vegan High School in high school you were able to do that to little Asian guys in high school I know you did that but my point

this is a different world all right and I'm a big boy now all right you want to start a war I'll start a war

let me ask you this Matt did you close the door on me yeah I slammed it I slammed it up there

we go so that's the war you started the war that's First Blood all right okay

yeah you got my back yeah I love you Doug

all right I'll wait bye he's the best all right so I gotta tell you you're gonna back him well here's

the deal no he's like six six he's big he's a big big boy yeah fat though and

he's got nothing though I've seen 600 pound life he's not they're tall as well

but they can't move I gotta tell you right he's a big boy I know he's a big boy but he looks like he might have some here's what I'm gonna say to you whoa

just run I don't no I think you should run bro I don't need your help in the war because the kind of war that I the

kind of War I'm gonna fight is not physical what kind of word do you do career Korean what do you say Korean oh

Korean War Korean war part two we already won that one didn't we we were on our side what are you talking about wait I'm a Korean no America was on the

Korean side during the Korean War it was North Korea versus South Korea in the war I was rooting for North I know I

wanted them to win so it was one redhead guy it was at your family on the other side I I know would that be an image of

like panning overseeing all these Koreans and they just one red-headed guy with a gun what is he doing yeah two

things first of all we do like the shoes and second of all the teddy bear shirt fire I like it I love it you like it

pretty good I like your style I love that you guys are complimenting me well because you're the best juice we love

you it's the holidays I'm feeling good happy Hanukkah merry Christmas happy Kwanzaa

um when does this come out yes yeah it's already over yeah happy New Year happy New Year is this happy New Year happy

New Year have we had a great New Year great it's Let's uh for a second because it's the

new year let's reflect yeah what happened great in 2022 oh [ __ ] I have so

much to do [ __ ] let's hear it um let me see

go ahead no I'm saying I hope I'm part of it well I mean you're going to be in the

book what you're definitely in the book what do you mean the book my audio autobiography when I die footnote I'll

be a footnote no no if I have a book about my life yeah I'll be I'll have ghost writers I'll be a chapter

you think you have how many chapters on the book three thousand three thousand chapters you'll be a chapter that would

be awesome if you don't think the bad friends chapter of your life is a

massive part of your life you really do you really don't think so I don't understand the question

can you explain it to me I don't think you're gonna get a book oh yes not with this kind of [ __ ] no this one so how

many chapters are in the book can I ask you that in a book what is the average I've never read one so okay

40. 40 40 you'll be a chapter 40 chapters that's good he doesn't know what he's talking about all right he's

never read a [ __ ] book yeah I'll say this this is your chapters of your life ready

San Diego abuse no drugs laundromats that's

chapter one chapter two Dynamite detail on the railroads chapter two don't forget that chapter

two stand up struggling no La Jolla absolutely not Comedy Store chapter

three kalila okay chapter four The Santino years is that

what you're [ __ ] saying yeah yeah oh so chapter four is Santino here yeah the Santino years all

right chapter five uh let me ask you death death can I ask you

as a question though real quick about books right can the chapter be one page sure then you'll have the fourth chapter

wow yeah if the chapters one page you can have and there's 30 chapters so disrespectful well how many chapters am

I in your book get the whole book oh it's called Bobby Lee and me it's

called me and Bob yeah me and Bob and Bobby Lee Me and Bobby Lee listen to how

that Rings Me and Bobby Lee you know what dude I'll be honest with you if my book is Tom Sawyer you're Huckleberry

Finn that feel better if this is Mice and Men you're the guy

am I I'm the one you are um I crushed the mouse in my hand if our book how

about this if our book is Phantom of the Opera yeah I've never I don't know I'm the Phantom yeah and I'm the Opera

you're Christine oh I can't be the Opera because I love you but I can't really have you oh but I

really really want you all right and I want to capture you and bring you down to my Lair and hold you captive and sing You songs but in mice and men that big

guy what was his name do you guys remember uh uh stop stop hold on don't even Google it it was uh his name is uh

Lenny but in the book I I don't know if I read it but does he kill mice I don't

know if I read it the book I don't know if I read it okay what are the chances that you read it then

I think I read it because I think this I just I distinctly I can't even say the word I distinctly

remember did you relapse I just can't say that word okay I

distinctly remember that he kills a mouse with his hands because he doesn't know how strong he is you're thinking of

Green Mile that's right is that what the green mileage yeah so does Lenny know

what you didn't read a book you watched it because then he's black right in your world yeah

it was then he kills Curly's wife because of his inability to control his own strength and emotions but he he does

have a mouse as a pet oh he doesn't kill him yeah it's like his friend oh it's his friend my bad speaking of pets

show them Santino did you hear about this all over the news what that's

Santino right there zookeepers noticed after observing Santino behind blind uh behind blind

glass the chimpanzee had been busy stockpiling ammunition in anticipation of the visitors dragging stones from a

protective moat and even thumping chunks of concrete into rough discs he made the

piles of stones only on the part of his Island facing the crowds

Santino the chimp has been Huck and poop and stone at visitors in the zoo he's a

bad boy what a bad boy I have a photo of Santino's wife and my phone would you like to see it yeah okay yeah I can't

wait to see it you would like to see it I haven't seen what what photos this must be a it's a photo of Santino's wife

me or this chimp The Chimps uh I'm being held at the zoo in Sweden

by the way I I heard he got out what did it say in December I can't see because he just died he just died yeah rest in

peace send it to the boy so they can put it up on the screen this phone on the screen this can't be seen let me see

oh my God oh my I know you sent that to me have

you seen do you are you offended by that by the way no I'm happy to see Bobby so happy you need to delete that off your

phone immediately why because in case something happens you're in big like you if someone hacks your laptop you don't

want that evidence around yeah and you're prone to getting hacked yeah it's getting up yeah it's on Twitter you're

still hacking yeah like it could happen by the way shout out to everybody on Twitter who's bought a laptop from Bobby

Lee I mean dude you realize people are still buying laptops from you I I went to a private company they still can't do

anything this guy's incredible this might be one of the best hackers of all time he's had your account for how long now like a month

yeah yeah he's racking up them laptops am I losing I probably lost so many followers three forty three thousand still pretty

good still pretty good and you probably sold a couple of thousand can I sue him for the money you

can I don't you can sue him maybe for uh I mean if he's using my [ __ ] likeness

Twitter to sell products isn't this funny though that Elon Musk Elon Musk

aside Twitter in general the fact that like Twitter doesn't understand how to stop this is crazy

that's crazy to me but it was anyway that's your monkey that's my monkey yeah yeah yeah and hold they call this monkey

the city you know he just died he just died he was shot after escaping the enclosure I got out

my boy got out said dude he got out and then uh they he went missing and then

they killed him wow they shot him they were afraid they're afraid of what he was gonna do

and I gotta tell you it looks a little bit like me we have the same eyes the eyes are yeah we have the same eyes

similar the same yellow eyes the same yellow jaundice alcohol Layton dies I

wish yeah the Santino chimp he's cute dude there's a guy on Tick Tock who has a chimp as a pet and I it

would be tight it's crazy but it would be tight I think you just got to make them a little smarter than they'll be

able to communicate with us I think they're really smart with English though oh they only speak it's a physical thing

why they can't talk yeah it's their throat their larynx hasn't drowned that's right oh see what you're saying to me right now is that if they had a

larynx yeah did they be able to go what's that Bob probably of course they can't form the same you think they're

not thinking that stuff they're so smart they're so smart yeah they can put blocks together and [ __ ] you know what I mean and like escape a maze maybe but

like you can't escape a maze I know well if I could do the blocks pretty good I

know I have trouble with my blocks by the way how this is a science question how many times larger is the human brain than a chimpanzee's brain I already have

it don't look it up I already know men are females right oh sick burn dog

um dudes first how much larger is the male brain to the human brain I don't know that I mean I

don't even know the right measurement lingo how many times larger two pounds I don't know how what do you say how many

times larger is our brain than their brain times times

um it's not even a time it's like it's I don't think it's that much larger I

would say one time one time larger no time so it's the same size

do you think I'm talking about time no no no I'm saying I'm confused you're

confusing me with a very easy question because I've been to the [ __ ] zoo and I've seen their heads and their I've

seen some Koreans with that style of head and so it might just I'm like oh that's

a Korean head you know okay yeah the answer is three three times our brain is three times larger than wow their brains

that means we're three times smarter no it just means we've got more mush there

we have more good we have more goop and mush up there that goop's got to do something isn't it true that we only use a certain percentage of our brains too

like we use 16 almost nothing yeah it's less than a quarter of our brain yeah I want to be able to connect it all man

you can do take DMT it connects the brain get to the next level dog ten percent of our brain is

it's a myth uh civil actually required most of the brain to be active right well this is this is a two-way street

most of the brain is required to be active but but it's saying we we typically only use certain portions of

our brain the majority of the time so you need a lot of your brain to still fire something like you know when you uh

you know when you remember somebody's name that you forgot for a long time oh yeah that's a little crazy

huh like when you're in that situation what do you say that's what he says huh huh oh you go huh

hey Andrew huh that's what you do well let me see if you're a guy I don't remember your

name yeah but you know I'm important and I see your I recognize your face all right I'm gonna go ahead I'm at a party yeah

this DJ is amazing what is what song is this hey oh what's

up Alfred what's up goodbye whoa what what the [ __ ] [ __ ] Anderson

Tina what's up dude what's up dude Andrew what's up how are you yeah you

don't call me man I know dude I've been so busy are you all right are you doing good when's the last time I saw you um

oh my God forever ago it feels like a month ago no had been was it longer than that

no we shot Dave a month ago I know but it just feels like it was way longer very good yeah I like it I'm so good at

this watch I'm not good at it I've done this my whole career all right so keep going I don't know who those guys are on the boot in the booth yeah

no but go ahead all right well this is my friend Felicia you know Felicia remember you met oh wait we have have we

met we have Andrew hey I just said her name [ __ ] that's my dad it's Felicia I know it's so good to see you you

remembered yeah yeah of course yeah what's my name again

can I be honest with you dude I'm at this party and and I'm you know I saw you and I you

know we've had this little interaction you call me dude the first time right right you didn't remember that we shot a

month ago I'm beginning to feel like you don't know my name so what's my name I just told you we did shoot a month ago I

do remember and I gotta be honest with you you're a little offended and I I don't I don't want to be here for this kind of attitude that's fine I apologize

the idea that the I don't know your name how about this dude I know exactly who you are why would you do this to me what's my name then this is insane dude

you don't know my name you need help you don't know my name you need help you don't know my name yeah of course I know

your [ __ ] name what is it you know what bud

what this isn't the way to treat people okay it's Tony

okay is it really Tony yeah it's me Tony

are you sure yes I feel like your name's not Tony it's Tony Tony Asian guy named tone Anthony yeah

Tony Chong Tony Sean yeah yes no my name is John

[ __ ] you oh wow see is her name Felicia no what is her name Coco that's how'd

you forget because people are unimportant all right well I gotta go bye get out of my house this is my party

what is it Tony this is your party get the [ __ ] out I wish the other Santino was in but they would never do that

socially they wouldn't take it to that level no that's crazy yeah you just walk away at some point this is really funny I have a friend who's I have a friend

whose friend I thought his name was Gabe but his name was Brian yeah but for the

first like five times I met him I was like are you sure your name isn't Gabe and he was like it's Brian I was like

but I know it's Gabe yeah because he looks like a gay oh I know that yeah and so now even when he texts me years later

he saved him my phone as Gabe I call him gay yeah yeah and he loves it it's a

joke but it's a term of endearment now it's yeah it's fun but sometimes I forget his real name I did that to Ryan

sickler what do you call him two weeks ago and he caught me and I [ __ ] up and I feel so [ __ ] I haven't seen him since

then I want to apologize what did you call him I go what's up Stout Stout Ryan

Stout yes right you thought Ryan Stout yeah another community and he would ignore me and I go stat what the [ __ ]

bro you thought Ryan said yes in my mind right and I go uh

he goes um dude I don't respond to Stout what does it even mean in my mind I just

was I thought literally still at that point his name was Stout he gave you an out by the way you could have been like

I know I'm trying out new nickname [ __ ] didn't work yeah no I mean I doubled down yeah

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sponsored by betterhelp better help is so great Bob and I have used therapy for a long long time and I gotta tell you

something I'm a big proponent of getting help mental health help is huge and you

might think you're on the right track and you don't need to talk to anybody but I got to tell you it builds up and it comes out in bad ways especially if

you have trauma it stays in your body right and you if you keep it and you don't deal with it it turns into other

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h-e-l-p.com slash bad friends these things happen yeah this has got to

happen to you I went a whole year I think it was like third grade and I I missed one of the days like when we got

this teacher so I never knew my teacher's name and I went I was too embarrassed to ask so would you ask your

friends I didn't have any friends I was just gonna say there's no way she had it was like you know we moved a lot oh Jews

so I just got a teacher but they are teacher yeah for what it's worth they are is there any way you can like ask

like another teacher or a principal or somebody it's too late now it's too late it's a long time for a year you called

her teacher yeah that's insane but to be sure she was teacher that's true like if

she was was like podcast host yeah I'd be like well yeah like if I was in the middle I called the guy Captain if he

was a captain yeah oh if you can't do it with their if they're like you have to be a certain rank you have to be a captain Oh [ __ ] General Captain so if I

call an admiral Captain that's bad yeah you don't want to do that they'll [ __ ] you up who will the the Admiral will oh

the captain under the Admiral either one of those guys are gonna beat the [ __ ] out of you probably both of them okay officer ranks second Lieutenant first

lieutenant Captain major lieutenant colonel colonel brigader General Major General is it brigidaire I think I'm a

brigidaire you know what this is I don't like the way that they did that first of all major major general should be after

major and bring it to your general should be the top thing let's break a deer huh [ __ ] I [ __ ] that up would you say I

think I think Major General sounds bad General is whack because something that's General is basic oh that's right

so it's like majorly based yeah your major basic I think the top dog

should be the kernel because Colonel sounds dope everybody loves the colonel yeah KFC KFC

well that everybody loves the colonel where's Commander he's in Chief he's someone there's no

Commander up there oh well there wasn't a first officer either zoom in on that one this is how little we know about the [ __ ] I don't know what you think

about it but thanks for doing it guys military people out there we really respect you and appreciate you because I'm I can't do it I really couldn't zoom

in on any of those tits I call Carlos tits now oh that's nice because he kind of he's like a little

cute little pair of tits all right let's see the ranks baby what do we got scroll down just in the

list so we don't look at it like that all right private private private first class specialist That's when you really

moved up in privates was a specialist like someone that specializes in something I think he's a little special

private oh yes on the Spectrum he's on the Spectrum price then it goes Corporal Sergeant staff sergeant because he

didn't count all the enemies yeah one two three very good special prize how

many is there behind the [ __ ] Bush three loses count Corporal Sergeant staff sergeant has a

staff infection Sergeant First Class will not fly coach first sergeant Master Sergeant sounds racist command sergeant

major that sounds fake sergeant major sergeant major of the army

wow then a bunch of warning officers just get numbers Warren officers I don't want the commissioner office let's move

on from that second and first lieutenant Captain major lieutenant colonel colonel Brigadier General Major General

Lieutenant General Army Chief of Staff General Army Chief of Staff General that's too

many words for the guy who's supposed to be the number one that's no I thought that was the least

so wait what no no oh wait is that the time no you're right this is the Army

chief of staff is number one your top yes your top deck because can Major

General talk [ __ ] about Army's Chief of Staff in front of his face not in front of his [ __ ] face can you do it of

course you tell Lieutenant Colonel and Captain oh I see I see you know who's gonna have the hardest laugh his second Lieutenant he's gonna be cracking the

[ __ ] up yeah so if I if I was Lieutenant General yeah right you'd be ahead of me

maybe oh yeah all right all right so you're you can be Lieutenant General then I guess no no no no no you would be Colonel a special person I'm Colonel

right she's lieutenant colonel she's taking Lieutenant okay

yeah and what are you then in this situation Lieutenant General okay so I can come between Lieutenant General

what's up Santino I'll go how are you sir God I'll go wait where are you again I'm you just you said I was carnal oh

yeah I'll go I'll go yes Colonel what's happening oh did you be that formal because I'm

about to talk [ __ ] about [ __ ] Army Chief of Staff if you came up to me like that I wouldn't say [ __ ] colonel colonel

colonel what calm down oh sorry man this is a free [ __ ] talk uh room that's right we're by The Watering Can by the water

he needs to salute you though even if you're by the watering can and then you have to tell him that he's no that's not

a thumbs up you think that's all how funny if the army saluted that way if they're like Colonel

oh they do this right yeah can you do both yeah I've never seen that that's

that's what that's what the Koreans do yeah is that a lot is that a lot too much

respect I would do that for you you got to pick a hand I go hey lieutenant general Santino what's up what's up

player oh [ __ ] you're in a good mood can I tell you about Armor shoes what the [ __ ] did he do he stinks he stinks

that's [ __ ] garbage man I hate him yeah should we kill him when we're doing Desert Storm should we kill him oh [ __ ]

yeah you're under arrest oh [ __ ] and I'm in trouble yeah I was just kidding though we're high-end flying second

lieutenant the second Lieutenant take care of this that's what you would do yeah oh that

sucks entrapment dude that's entrapment I can't have you hurting my own crew oh and I see what you do colonel

this is this entrapment let me ask you something wait what what I just that was not entrapment oh what was that then

uh that was some [ __ ] [ __ ] oh you just [ __ ] [ __ ] that's what they call [ __ ] all right but would I still get arrested

yeah for sure yeah yeah but I'd get I did [ __ ] me up wait I would get arrested for calling Army Chief of Staff smelly

no saying he should be killed killed yeah you said you were the one that brought it up I just gave you the bait

you ate it I said I said should we kill him and yeah and I go yeah as a joke I

think I think I can fight my way I don't think colonel was joking whatsoever there's no jokes on Army okay there's no jokes in the Army there

is no jokes in the Army what's entrapment you were just going to ask me what do you think isn't drama did you feel like you got in trouble no no what I'm asking

you like for instance if I'm with a um not that I would do it but if I'm with like you know

oh oh boy this sounds like entrapment no if I'm you know

if I'm with you know the lady of the night a hooker that's what I said a juice no

juice juice why do you sound like a TV character a hooker

are you talking about a hook it's like keep it down Mary Lou or Mayberry or

something yeah hypothetically no but if you if you say to a lady of the night you go hey are

you a cop and they said no they don't have to tell that that's is that a myth that's a myth

okay they don't have to tell you if they're a cop that's a great the idea that people you have to tell me if you're a cop no they don't they don't have to do it why that's where is that

rule that's a weird fake law that's true by the way it's important to understand military crimes that you could be charged uh one such crime is pandering

under article 134 of the Union uniform code of military Justice the UCMJ of course pandered by including inciting or

procuring an act of prostitution is a crime so if you're in my army colonel yeah and you're [ __ ] hooks you're

done for pal right 134 you know what I thought Patrick was what for gold oh pandering oh

we came all the way out west to Pander for gold yeah come on gold

is that pandering though or not panning that's panning how bad would you and I be at panning for gold I'm serious oh

I'd be patient no the only the only thing that I would be bad about it is distinguishing if it's gold or not yeah

but I could do this all day yeah I could be out there for 16 hours there

you are like yeah there you are there yeah I could do that all day if that's my job you could pan for gold yeah

because in my head I'm like there's a means to an end to this maybe you're there's no guarantee imagine because back in the day when they did this

imagine the dopamine hit if you got like a nugget amazing I mean look I gotta knock it

like you're just you know you out brag look at all the Nuggets I got but here's the problem yeah this incited so much

violence this is this was the problem with the gold rush the amount of violence and war that broke out because

the amount of people that were killed in the middle of the night because they they know that you found I don't got a nugget right that's right you already

yelled it out but nothing I've been here for three days there's a great show there's a great movie called The Ballad of Buster Scruggs do you remember this

oh yeah and there was a bunch of vignettes and one of them was uh short films inside of inside of the movie was

about a guy who found gold and then you know the guy that saw that he found it was like oh it's [ __ ] so dirty

because immediately dude you've been out there look there you are right there that's Bob yeah you're panning foreign

that's definitely you you're panning for what 10 12 days you're paying for rice

is that right is this obviously Panic for rice or something crispy rice or regular they're panning for gold these people yeah I don't know Carlos is

[ __ ] Google Asian panning for gold wow she's typed in Asia but look at the wishes you probably haven't found

anything she probably what hasn't found anything in her whole life well if she has she no

maybe she's just saving see this is the problem with you oh the moment you found some gold you'd put on a Gucci shirt and

be panning that's right with my Golden Goose shoes no she knows don't let them know

that you got the money so then when you find the little I don't know how it works but I'm sorry I'm asking questions no please all right

like how you know my dad was yeah that's what he did how do you think we ended up out here but if I found like are they

nuggets you find like I found a nut like a bunch of nuggets gold nuggets most of the time they find flakes in this day

and age they find a lot of gold flakes so I got a bunch of Flakes and then you melt smelt it down into into liquid gold

like that right there that's exactly what most people find these days but can you find nuggets yeah of course you can look there's one

in the corner but like the weight of nuggets that are found Now isn't as prominent as it was in the [ __ ] Gold

Rush days let me ask you something yeah why do I know this no I have another because I watched the show Gold Rush it's great I have another question

please one of my favorite disaster movies okay is called the core

just hear me out okay and in the movie decor the center of the earth starts to stop

spinning all right so what they do is they develop a spacecraft or like an earth craft to go into the middle of the Earth

and they let anyway when they're going down they run into all these diamonds

right hmm and when I was watching that in the movie theater I'm like that's what I want to do is get diamonds

if I could just get that [ __ ] craft because in the movie there was so much

[ __ ] time it was like caverns of diamonds yeah like just coming down from the you know I mean so

let me ask you something right if I dug deep deep enough would I be able to find China no oh what

caverns of diamonds no why do you think there is a layer of Earth that is just

diamonds yes okay no there's not how do you know there's

not yet thank you juice you know what yeah yeah I want both of you guys to start digging

no you because there's no way right here both of you guys to start because you have to go through the mantle all

scientists have discovered a full layer of diamonds in Earth's core there we go there you go

if we can make it there just hear me out I'm listening right it's a lot of diamonds I how deep is it

let me figure it out it's that website was in Spanish I don't know yeah well Fancy's right there yeah

how much Diamond that is dude can you imagine imagine if we discovered that

much Diamond how could we lug it out how heavy would that be you don't need to take on it all whatever your pocket oh I

have a [ __ ] Patagonia backpack or something I would like core the core is found at

about 2 900 kilometers that's 1800 miles below our surface radius how far below are Earth diamonds there we go

well these are just natural diamonds that's naturally occurring not the diamond place right there is no diamond cutting so it's not real you guys yes

there is there's a diamond plate all right I believe it I believe there is yeah but don't I mean they're in our

earth right a quadrillion tons of diamonds lurk deep in the Earth but they're spread out over the end

well let's get the [ __ ] diamonds dog we gotta get the diamond I'm trying to convince you dude dude in our Earth

there's just plenty of diamonds but we have to spend so much we don't have to do this acting podcast and [ __ ] no more

dude we're the diamond brothers are we are we the diamond bro we're the diamond Brothers dude this that's the Mario

Brothers spin-off is the diamond Bros yeah and what we do is yep yep yep we just dig for diamonds all

day I can't say all of it because the thing is is that you know Demand right so we just make get selling off uh-huh

right we quarter the mic market and die how much money do you need to sell how much money do you want to make on diamonds to be good a billion okay once

we hit a billion you're okay yeah we're done okay so a couple hundred million and then we're not gonna do what we do yeah once we make a billion dollars in

cash right then we just give all the diamonds away so that it loses its value Diamond yes but I'm amongst the door

guys oh first yeah okay wait a minute that's so funny I like how Bobby wants to run

like a crypto scam where he's like once we've made our money we dump the whole [ __ ] thing and nobody makes money

yeah yeah it's basically what crypto yeah once we make our cash we [ __ ] it that's what I want to do okay that's fine what else is who's going to give us

money for the diamonds that's the problem who has the capital who are we selling them to

um I don't know them careful what careful

okay for the teeth they love it

do you think rappers are going to buy all of our diamonds they either Lodge them in their teeth they do you're right imagine if like

they had like the first front tooth just full of diamonds you can make a tooth out of diamonds I think you should have a mouth filled with actual diamonds I

think your teacher be replaced with diamonds because diamonds hardest some of the hardest thing on earth right look

at that oh Bobby it looks so look at the grill like that let's get you one of those Bob I gotta get but is that real

diamonds yeah yeah it's gotta be right yeah but no no you know what I want to make it out of that fake steel so that

my my everything turns green in my mouth like chains from high school yeah yeah

Amber Rose boyfriend Alexander Alexandra Edwards shows off permanent Diamond Grill so it's permanently put inside of

his mouth that's what I'm saying that's what you want yeah or that's our audience whom we're selling it to yeah

okay and once we make a billion we give it all away well then what are we gonna do with a billion dollars oh [ __ ] what

would you do with a billion here you're you're on the level of Elon Musk right let's say you sell some thing what would

you do with a billion oh I got a lot man I would buy a Pottery Barn oh you know also Pier One Imports

the first thing you said was buy Pottery Barn the chain yeah yeah yeah why I like

it okay if you can't afford it it's uh over three billion dollars [ __ ] well with me with my boy Pottery Barnes a

billion three billion uh all right [ __ ] I didn't do it that much 2.5 billion yeah it's an international company how

about this how can I buy period of One Imports how much is Pier One Imports I mean I

don't know if we can afford Pier One either I need Pier One Imports Pier One a net worth of 512 million I

just said I could buy a half I could buy it with half my money all right 500 so you can buy Pier One yeah can I buy West End how much is West yeah I West End

dude because I want rear Restoration Hardware but I know I can't afford it you can't afford that no it's too fancy yeah I can buy West you buy Pier one

I'll buy West End yeah and then juice what do you what company do you want to buy I just want a studio apartment man

oh yeah how about this can you imagine getting getting a billion dollars and she's like

I just want a studio with this billion she might you might by that time I still can't afford it in LA yeah now by then

you won't but free furniture because I'll hook you up from Pier One oh you would and West End and West End

um maybe I'll get a one bedroom I will say I currently live with five dudes

and it's been like over two years because you are moving out in your own in your your solo spot right it's yeah I

mean I am but there's no like no timeline I mean I don't know you live

with Five Guys for how long it's been like over two years yeah one of them has a workout a gym a gym outside your

window invites more comics over to work out today it's kind of cool which I can

hear them early in the morning do repetitions well I might want more buddy get up get out and get lifted dog I

think that's what he thinks he's doing for me it's a nightmare motivating you yeah that's the one thing I love about

you know finally living in a house is you don't hear like this yeah rub it in yeah that's the one thing I like about

luxury listen up juice no but you know it's the the garbage man what it what

the garbage man what because I've lived in the city for so long in an apartment I always was awakened to either

construction or the garbage van [Music]

I hated it but now what do you hear no you hear something what still happens

oh leaf blowers in every part of the city oh yeah yeah but mine comes at two I

told him to come at two oh see my neighbors it's just [ __ ] it's constantly yeah it's constant I hear this

is that your neighbor it's an owl that's an owl hey let's let's try this is my

neighbor stood outside my window went oh I would call somebody hey Mike

he's a little sick but we love him yeah what do you say we should trade places for a week no oh yeah yeah like Jerry

and Kramer did on Seinfeld you guys should swap swap places I live with the Five Guys yes actually dude that's so fun awesome

you're gonna have to sleep on the bed with your boyfriend yeah but it's a California king that's like

oh it's a Calvary king cow king but six foot eight this [ __ ] guy how tall is he it's six foot two yeah that's not

that big and California king is wide so you're it you're not you're anywhere near him I have a California king okay so you

know yeah I do you should rush in a bit I mean rough it a bit get in with like the people the working people I think

you should let her live at your house and you live at her house I think it's a great idea I would do it for a reality show well fancy welcome to the podcast

yeah Babble one of the most exciting things about a new year is that you have no

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awesome days of the month is when our box of Awesome from bespoke post arrives that's right so we're just gonna go

ahead and I'm box this thing and tell you what we got I'll tell you what we got dude this week it was incredible I got a wonderful little beautiful box

that contained a uh Swiss army knife a handmade Swiss army knife Bobby got a

Scorch new hot sauce sexy Scorch package filled with hot sauces from all the brands from all over the country from

Texas Nevada California and more and a lot of people say to me a lot of people are like uh because I've had the cast

that's the barrel uh that you can Aid your own uh whiskey in and mix it and match it

um and it's so good A lot of people say how do I get this people say how do I get this Andrew all you have to do to be

a part of getting an a cool box showed up to your front door is go to boxofaustin.com You're Gonna fill out a

quiz or questionnaire your answer is going to help them pick the right box of awesome for you and they release new boxes every single month my favorite

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you sign up at box of awesome.com enter the code bad friends at checkout that's box of awesome.com code is bad friends

for 20 off your first box box of awesome.com code bad friends speaking of sleeping Arrangements let's talk about

it real fast I got the I got the I got the update from the bus that's available for the bad Friends tour

we have a bus oh my God but

it's not so cheap it's very expensive to get a bus but here's the problem it

sleeps six to eight in the vertical bunks but then there's a bed in the back I know I I already I've already thought

this well let's talk about it I already thought the scenario I already thought about it too listen I want to hear what you think and I'll show you what I and

I'm gonna be the better man um in this situation better man

you're going to demand the the yes you are no you you don't don't you you you can't assume it's so ridiculous what

you're doing dude I know I've already played it out in my [ __ ] head dude all right so you're gonna be like I'm

the bigger guy you know what I mean sometimes you say I'm a beer comic bigger name I've never said that I've never said that you've never said that

to you fancy have my back I've never said that kind of [ __ ] to him thank you

I've never said that when have I ever said that in a joking way but you have okay so we're joking I know I've already

played this out of my head and I have two okay so when I did Canada with Tom seguro he had a bus right and I slept in

the side bunks yeah loved it I slept like a baby all right all right and

while I was laying there I did a meditation okay in Canada okay and I played it out Andrew's gonna demand the

bag and just listen it's so annoying because you know you're more demanding than me

crazy dude [ __ ] you you're way more demanding than me you know you're using slurs what slur did I say [ __ ] you

that's not a slur it is no I just said [ __ ] you that's a slur [ __ ] that's a

slur what I'm saying is let me you're asking me to talk and you're asking me

to share my point you're not allowed to tell me what you think I'm gonna do I'm just telling you what in my what I

meditated on in the back of the thing slander Center your honor Ellie you're the honor you could defend yourself all

right but let me finish my okay so what do you want to have happened I'm not done with my meditations for bro go okay

so I lived there you're gonna demand it hearsay you go I'm basically you say you

know I you know I draw more I never would say I have a bigger I'm in a bigger TV show you know what I mean

I'm white probably in your mind well that part yes yeah yeah I am one why right and then I'm my ego is gonna get

in the way and I'm gonna argue those points and then we'll have a heated thing when we have to do business and in

my head I'm gonna be the better man just listen to me you know what Andrew I was gonna say you're such a fun I guess this

is gaslighting yes Carlos is this this is actually what gaslighting is I don't I you've or you every day you [ __ ]

give me the definition of gaslighting and I don't want to [ __ ] see it I already know what it means someone using psychological methods in into

questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning you're [ __ ] manipulating the conversation no your experiences

with you we've never had this before ever order okay thank you I'm just using Patrick's person so anyway [ __ ] liar

right you're gonna demand and I'm gonna I'm gonna go you know so what what I planned was this and you should have waited for me to do

this you know what I mean I was gonna the first day we were on the bus I was gonna look at you pat yourself on the

back and go you know what you're the bigger comic you're the better comment such an [ __ ] you draw more you're an [ __ ]

I'm not done all right and you know what dude you deserve the [ __ ] main room in the back and I'm oh happy with the

side with the other you know I mean and can I tell you something that's your are you done finally no because this is my

this is my speech that I've created and I go you know the all these years it's been wonderful experience tour is

canceled We're not gonna do it nobody gets the bed I came up with a good solution what is it I really did truth

be told what is it and you know by the way for the record for all the fans that [ __ ] play into this game none of that

stuff is true I've never said that I've never said any of that stuff that's not [ __ ] true that's [ __ ] [ __ ] and

B you guys never back me up based on my experience with this Matlock let him talk based on my experience

flying to the Philippines with him he you know we all flew him first class except for him he went to the back of

the plane so I can back him up on this video I gave you my first class another level of magic

Bobby I already made up my mind we're doing the short

I already made up my mind and I thought this was could be a fun a fancy go [ __ ] yourself by the way and you know what

also you're not coming to dinner and I mean it you're not see the one you know what also no you are coming to dinner and you know I'm not gonna let you

[ __ ] eat how about that Carlos you get two meals thank you um uh I already decided what we're doing

I have something to do about beef with Carlos in a second no I but well I [ __ ] I'll back him up uh fancy

[ __ ] piece of [ __ ] um but I already decided here's the best way that I think is going to be fun go

ahead it's a rotation no well yeah that's what I decided yeah you

see that's see what you're doing everybody gets a fair shot at sleeping in one of the everyone you don't want to

negotiate this is my decision it is and this is the way we're gonna do it no we have to talk about it no it's a rotation

everybody on that that's on that bus gets a chance to sleep in that bed it's the most fair thing in the world I'm not

gonna sleep on that but after this [ __ ] animal over here sleeps on it animals because you told me you're gonna go on [ __ ] Ryan and bang oh my God

every city every city you're gonna bang I was there's gonna be attempts sure yeah I don't want his juices on the bed

let's forget it this is what I want he doesn't get there is a but there is a first of all time out there is a bang

bunk on the bus that you can occupy thank you it will just be for Carlos Bangin

no no we'll be off the bus while he's banging no banging welders on the bus this will be when we're on stage there's

two rules no banging on the bus from other people on it you only bang in the Bang Bus bunk okay and you don't poop on

the bus nobody poops on the bus nobody absolutely unless it's an emergency it doesn't no we pull over you poop on the

side of the road you're not pooping on a bus I pooped on the bus and Tom Segura and he was fine with it he was pissed he called me and was like your little

[ __ ] he was your little [ __ ] Korean friend pooped on my bus he was livid anyway okay no we're rotating no

we're not rotating end of discussion see that everyone listening right now did you just hear what he said end of

discussion it's my way or the highway that's right literally his way is the highway okay you do the opposition you

do the rotation I'm just gonna keep I'm gonna sleep on one Bonk bunk number five I'm gonna put all my stuff in there and

I'm gonna stay there for the rest of the tour you know what what good compromise okay good compromise all right and you

do the king room no and I'll rotate with these people who thank you so much all right you claim

your bunks I'm I mean if there's rotating going on I'm rotating the guy's gonna rotate okay you know what dude

let me tell you what he did you know about it time out two ways yeah

I agree with you no rotating thank you hey give it to him now okay here we go all right I owed him four hundred

dollars I know right I know he he comes from money don't do that let's rewind don't do that

I'll take that out you owe him 400.4 it had been a couple of days right and then he texts me his venmo thing and

hey man yeah like two days later it's like I'm gonna get you no we work together we're

friends I'll get you when I get you okay a timeout Carlos I could read it right now you

want to read it how many days how many days after he said he was going to pay you the money did he pay them designated

a time we didn't designate a time that's right it was that it was when I remembered that I texted Bobby I didn't

want to forget yeah that's him because he's a [ __ ] pothead he doesn't want to forget that he that you owe him money he would

eventually remember dude these [ __ ] Stoners they're so [ __ ] dumb that he has no idea what's going on is this

[ __ ] pot guy he's a pot guy I I I walked in I did your venmo yeah yeah you

did immediately right yeah there were some things said in between there was something said all right so I'm gonna look up your [ __ ] thing right now

dude okay it was just yeah I mean you didn't call me any words via text so he goes hey the money owed me that's

not what he wrote read what you wrote there literally is nothing said he did it I paid you

end the story how many days after the money that was owed from the thing that I think it was

like four days four days is kind of a good window if you work together and see each other every day we don't see each

other we don't teach it you don't see him every day let me ask you something are we um flight attendants on different

airlines no we're podcasting exactly we work together right so during a month

how many times do I see you during a month 10 12 times exactly yeah eventually you

have to worry about it it's weird anyway let's move on I know 50 50 on this I think you're both in the

wrong I think I think you should let it you should have let it chill you should have also I think I'm sounding like a

baby today yeah right yeah or let me regroup yeah regroup you know what I think I need to read the

money do you know what I think you should do give them another 400 right now

I'll give you another 400 but you'll see when you get it no make it more of it for fun you know what you should you're

gonna give them 10 grand no let's play this game no no no no no no oh for you

yeah fancy we're gonna give you 20 bucks but we're not gonna tell you why no no no no

by the way yeah fancy I know I'm [ __ ] he's a little

Snappy little [ __ ] I'll tell you why fans are doing this though he wants something out of me I'll tell you what I know I know he wants you right he's

trying to get on my good side and that's what I like about him he's a weasel he's a snake he's a snake in the [ __ ]

grass yeah yeah he his what do you want out of Bobby you snake I just want him to be professional what

the [ __ ] does that disease what do you mean what does that mean speak your mind dude it's New York go ahead and say it it's 20 23. yeah let's change we didn't

do New Year's resolutions yeah we will but I want to hear this [ __ ] out of this guy okay what do you want so Bobby

got him involved in a project uh-huh that sounds good yeah and thank

you we did the project with some pulling teeth from me yeah and then the project

is ready to be discussed in he left me hanging and when I text him

about it he just blows me off uh-huh welcome to texting Bobby right no and he

told me the other day when a girl a friend of his was around here that he was a new man and he was gonna really do

it

throw me right on the bus huh wow look no trans bar I like fancy of buses

coming okay Bobby dude you're nuts all right all right all

right you want to go that way okay see now you know why I get mad at this [ __ ] guys you know I'm on your side [ __ ] snake you're a snakey little

[ __ ] yeah let's go to New Year's resolutions Jules what are yours my name's not Jules whoa

whoa whoa that's your New Year's resolution memorize people's names well this goes back to the thing yeah yeah I

think I had no idea her name I think my first the second no no no I just I just wanted you gave it to me no you know we

don't know real name her real name is Jessica yeah okay juicy

her name's not juicy is her name juicy juicy yeah no no she dropped it she doesn't want you juice what is it I

can't drop it oh okay okay if I called you that that's so wild I'll post a fly

or say jet ski and all the comments are like it's juice when you [ __ ] up you claimed Alzheimer's that was your

defense mechanism yeah my dad does that too yeah yeah that's crazy where are we yeah you did that one of those all right

who's that yeah Larry David uh what's your New Year's resolutions juice uh

probably to be more memorable yeah yeah no to get my own place what's

your real New Year's resolutions juice to get a house wait is that not how resolution Works what no no no no

usually it's like I want to change your behavior change something oh no I think I'm done

you know what I'm good you're done changing yeah okay so the New Year's

goal is for you to get it get your own place that's my goal yeah well let me

tell you something whatever you need to make it happen will help make it happen you guys already are yeah but I mean

whatever you need we'll help you okay thank you whatever you need we'll do it and if it comes at a cost of the show

like we have to pay these guys less that's fine too that's fine with me as well yeah that's [ __ ] fine right if

we have to duck their pay don't you think that's fair deduct their pay to give get her a place to live at the beginning what did you say I've been

wanting to do that me too but we have to find a [ __ ] way to do it that doesn't seem so on the nose I just need 1500 to 2 000 a month got it extra

that's what a studio apartment is now in L.A wow two grand a month two grand a month but isn't that crazy in L.A that's

what that is now what did you pay back in the day my first apartment in Los Angeles is 417 a month yeah mine was

like 500 417 but I shared it with four other men in one bathroom that's where I'm at right now I was there dude we did

it we [ __ ] did that [ __ ] yeah and then my second place was

um 850 because I had my own bathroom yeah because it was me and three other two other guys and they shared a

bathroom and I had my own bathroom and I was like I'll pay as much as it takes yeah to struggle just to get my own

bathroom and then after that my first one bedroom by myself uh was 11.95 I

remember it 11.95 how great was that bro when I got my first one that's why I want her to have that she deserves to

have that [ __ ] feeling most of next year I'm I'm not even going to be home I'm like I know but you need a place to

call your own when you are home you need a place to like be you be get away from the [ __ ] [ __ ] you know what I

mean like you need a place to call your own we're gonna make it happen when I got um right before Mad TV I made a chunk of

money on a commercial uh and I remember moving into my own studio apartment it

was exposed bricks hard wooden floor sexy you know what I mean I painted it you know there was like this um vintage

like um furniture store by my house this guy Barry ran it and he gave me some deals it was so dope so cool oh my God

having your it did change my life being able to do

it was a big [ __ ] I remember I remember one time coming home when I

first like moved in there and I closed the door and I was by myself and I like looked around and I remember being like

I don't have to talk to anybody yeah it was incredible I was like for the first time I lived in a place where I didn't

have to talk to any humans that's my dreams I didn't have to say hi or do like a [ __ ] I don't really want you

guys to be smoking bongs right now I just kind of want to have to like do a thing and I was so stoked to just know

the place I moved out of was three floors up so that my roommates were still up there oh [ __ ] right and they

would always want to come down no you're not coming no you don't enter into my [ __ ] place right yeah yeah that is

kind of a problem though to be like I'm still here you're gone but you're still there I was still kind of still there

terrible okay what's your New Year's resolution Bob real or no whatever you want to do

can I say what you're what I think yours should be I think I know what it is go ahead I want to spend some time alone

hmm I really know okay there's no joke we need to get to know myself better are we

talking like go on a trip alone no just be alone in La yeah for how long

maybe a year what we have a huge tour coming up no no not that in terms of like seeing people

yeah he means he means romantically alone oh I was like we're sharing bunks on a bus

I'm gonna go leave me alone in the Box no I I think it's all okay yeah because

I One calendar year you think you can go a year yeah really

I do do you want to make a monetary bet I already owe you a thousand from them

yes you [ __ ] do no I don't a year is a lot how about let's just do three months of just

complete uh what's the word I'm looking for celibacy

it's not just the celibacy it's like I'm and I mean intimacy with others then how about that how about no dating no

nothing for three months that's fair right let's do it yeah let's see how it feels I just I just feel lost

well let's talk about it right now well that's what yeah I feel lost oh

it's more real than you know I mean comedy but this is fine too what's what's going on you feel like you're not

connecting with anybody it's not that it's like what's the whole reason behind

in the beginning it was exciting because you know I mean oh I matched with somebody you know I mean I'm gonna go on a date this and that sometimes you would

make out whatever it might be but it's like it's all just like kind of surface and um

it doesn't have to be it doesn't mean it yeah but it's like I don't even know what I'm looking for that's okay and

that's what I think I need to figure out what exactly am I looking for what do I want in a partner yeah what you know

what are my intentions here well that's nice you can slowly but surely um figure that out I do think being alone

and understanding who you are that's an important piece of this but also you're kind of sounding like

what's the point of it all that's kind of it sounded like you almost said what's the point of it

yeah um I mean I look at people's relationships and um

and I go you know like like I've been watching Deep Space Nine

deep face nine is your window into relationships and uh so Star Trek is the window that

you use that's the barometer this is what I've been wanting you know I mean yeah and like you know Jeremy Cisco you

know the captain he's the black guy with the bald head there what's so funny Carlos his wife was

killed by the Borg in the beginning of the show you realize he has a son and his wife is killed by the Borg and he's

like I just can't believe they killed his wife I don't know well it was when jean-lucard became aborig he became

lucutus do you remember that he became Lucius and he and who were you asking do you remember yeah

they don't know how would they don't know this you're asking why I look at the Google you Googled it we don't know

this though you don't know any of these people

are you telling me that the guy with the big ears is in sport well he looks like a sport his name is Quark Spock well

that looks like a spork to me okay his name is not his core and the guy to his left is my dad

is that 100 not someone related to me that's called mini it's Chief O'Brien O'Brien okay so come on okay potatoes

call them potatoes and Quirk is a Frankie anyway can I just and then the bottom left is is Juicy that's a

descendant of Juicy yeah that's my grandma and who's top left go for it Wharf Wharf that's his name is Wharf you

don't know that buddy don't buddy me 15th time yeah I've never

seen Star Trek oh you're missing out then no I'm not I'll tell you why no I'm not can I tell you why you're not oh you

are okay sure go all right you know Adam Eagan nope you don't know Adam Egan I do

all right so Adam eager I was just in Austin I did the Tom Segura thing and me and

Adam eager went up for [ __ ] um um barbecue yeah right and we're sitting

there eating meat as you do as men correct right yeah and he goes he goes what's your favorite d space nine

episode we talked about it right and the reason why we talk about it and we talk about Star Trek is because years ago

when he lived in La I go do you know Star Trek next Generation and he goes um that those are for neuros I would never

watch it I go watch this one episode he watched it he watches next-gen and DS9 t-space nine

consecutively every episode it's so good right you're just you don't know because

you're not willing to know right but if I told you to watch a certain episode of [ __ ] Star Trek next Generation you

would go oh my God this is a great show the writing Have You Seen the Last Dance the documentary about Michael Jordan yeah oh you did I loved it you did yeah

okay why no I just didn't think you'd like that I've I watched you know you know what else I love um Ken Burns Vietnam

War a documentary series I watch good [ __ ] yeah and I'm telling you this is a good show I just don't like it you've

never seen it the look of it makes me mad I know in the beginning it's a little weird I just don't care about

these I don't I don't give a [ __ ] about what fantasy it's not fantasy oh it's

reality it's science fiction sci-fi fantasy I just it doesn't do it that's the space station right it looks

dumb and is it Wormhole you know why it looks dumb because I know that is there's a wormhole that's not what it's gonna look like that's why it bothers me

it's [ __ ] [ __ ] it's not that you're right it's never gonna look that way yeah there would be like a McDonald's logo that's right there's a

lot of there's a lot of things about that show where I go well how do we sponsor by Bank of America exactly

um any Kardashian but he's a spy and I just

don't like the way he looks I don't want to watch he's a Kardashian you know how you know how you know why do you know why people like Brad Pitt get so much

work over the years beyond the fact that he's a good actor because it's really nice to look at him on screen it's

really nice to look at [ __ ] George Clooney on screen yeah bring back spork I don't want to look at this [ __ ] guy

for a half an hour at a [ __ ] time that's the future that's not Spork that's [ __ ] a Kardashian that's Guerra okay a Kardashian that Kardashian

Butch Kardashian is that Google frengy which Kardashians is that

Chloe yeah as Hollywood gets more these are ferengis this is what it's gonna

look like this is what happens yeah Brad Pitt's out so here's my point yeah the

reason that you and I yeah and I'm putting us into this Okay the reason that you and I only get a limited amount

of work in television and film isn't because of our skill set we're very skilled you are a great actor yeah

you're [ __ ] phenomenal uh-huh right but you don't look like people should be

watching you all the time me too nobody wants to see our faces on

TV for a super long amount of time we look like that that's what people see us

in the midwest he just died in real life yeah well don't do that to me God bless I'm sorry

well the makeup I'm just saying [ __ ]

I go back to my [ __ ] race let me make my point um I don't want to look at weird ugly alien creatures look at that

look at how [ __ ] weird that looks no thanks look at how [ __ ] weird what are they doing they're a race of Frankie's that

they're old and I'm racist against friends the whole culture is based on Commerce and business

what's so funny so funny are wait their race is based on what Commerce and business like all the

races have a certain ideology and a language and a culture and it brings it's cool I don't like it I just don't I

don't want to look at that but then you don't have to thank you all right here's my problem I this guy looks nice rest in

peace I'd like to see his beautiful smiling face on TV instead of when he's in makeup looking like a [ __ ] go back

to it click on when he's in makeup down right there I don't want to watch that I

don't want to watch him with his weird [ __ ] balls on his testicle head

and his number no but let's can I just finish what I'm gonna say there's a principle about you mean that world that

I love what is it there's several of them the prime directive is what's so funny the prime directive I

mean look at this long-necked penis guy why do they have to look so [ __ ] you know what this is do you know what start

do you know what Star Trek is to me what it this is how why electric like electric cars that's what this looks

like no no here no let me finish this is ridiculous let me finish let me finish yeah how come just because it's an electric

car does it have to look annoying why can't it just look like a cool car so we

have cool cars I get what you're saying you have a cool looking car yeah but if they made an electric it would look [ __ ] stupid they put weird [ __ ]

like this I like it they make it for me

I know but and you land on a planet right yeah and you know I mean it has the same kind of atmosphere conditions

that Earth does and you could get off of your ship and you well you think the alien's gonna look like Anthony jeslin

like walking up no they're gonna look like that they're not gonna look like that we made that up they're gonna look like something we've never seen or

thought of before the king we can't imagine it's called imagination yeah but I like my imagination I don't like this

guys whoever the [ __ ] wrote that the prime director prohibits Starfleet personnel and spacecraft from interfering in the normal development of

any society and mandates that any Starfleet vessel or Cruise member is Expendable to prevent violation of this

Rule and we can apply that to our life that's [ __ ] crazy yeah you're crazy it's like

America going into [ __ ] you know Nigeria and opening and being capitalism and opening up these and think the way

we think and believe what we believe we shouldn't do that we shouldn't do that we shouldn't do that no and there are things in the show that I believe in

that's all I'm saying I know I want to say something to you because you don't like to Facebook reality so you want to live in a fantasy no I'm going to say

one thing that's what it is I'm gonna make you watch one I'll watch one with you okay but I'm

gonna make fun of it the whole [ __ ] time I will film it he's gonna eyes wide shut you all right can you can you watch

one and not make fun of it absolutely not well I'm not gonna watch it with you because you know what that's my Bible

this is your Bible dude ask anyone kalilo or anybody in my life right all I

do is all-day watch is it available on YouTube how do I see this [ __ ] [ __ ] you gotta buy it on iTunes well that I'm definitely not doing something

oh my God give me money right now 20 40 60. three seasons okay right of of

the sets we start with Star Trek next Generation okay I haven't seen any other Bobby no

you're already a convert you're already a comfort those that money goes to Juicy that's in the juicy pile okay so okay so

let me tell you something all right I'm gonna watch I just want you to watch one the one

episode that got Adam eager hooked then pick then send it to me I will tell me the one you want me to watch and I will

[ __ ] watch it okay it's season five but I'm gonna be somebody in episode apps I'm gonna tell you what it is

season five yeah next next generation second to last episode the episode's

called the Inner Light it's considered the greatest Star Trek episode ever

written I'm so mad you don't need the context though yeah do I not need any context not really I can just watch it

yeah I'm gonna get pissed I know I'm gonna be so pissed off when I watch this it's 45 minutes long I know

that's a long time for me to get pissed off is that penis looking guy is this what

they look like what do you mean all right I mean if you see that's that spot right that that shot right there bro let

me say something who is that is that true no but Patrick Stewart it's Patrick Stewart right if you see that scene

and you don't shed a tear you have no empathy in love

I don't know what you're laughing at when they pan away from him playing that flute dude every single dude

does he actually play the flute yeah oh I don't want this is gonna piss me off

all right stop showing Clips because I'm gonna watch the [ __ ] oh my God I'm about to cry now I love it I love it

anyway is this the one that teach you about relationship no that's not the one I teach it's a different show the next

show that they do after the next generation is DS9 anyway what are you so angry about

because I'm a bum bum that I gotta watch this I have to for the sake of the show

I have to do it yeah and you're gonna make fun of it and you're gonna make fun of the thing that I love the most yeah yeah that's part of our

relationship no I understand that but I don't attack things like yes you do let

me you make fun of me in golf all the time let me say something what

if you had a baby yeah and you want one right yeah okay and

it's like my baby I would never make fun of your baby Star Trek is your baby I love it

that much you didn't make it it feels like it was made for me this

it's a so it's adopted yeah you feel like it was made for you so you adopted a baby it makes me feel you tell me I

can't make fun of your adopted baby it makes me feel it's like my religion it makes me feel a part of the world it

makes me want to live I'm being real this gives you life I'm being real yeah I love it that much and

I was trying to get Adam Eagan and I to do DS9 we're trying to figure out what DS9 is calling it stop calling it that

what tattoos is that what's called DS9 we're gonna get tattoos right in our next DS9 tattoos what does that mean DS9

Deep Space Nine oh I like it less that's why I said do you like God damn

it I don't I know all right well anyway could I have my assignment let's call Adam me again thank you did

you get something Max no hey buddy Adam yo you're on bad friends

for a second [ __ ] I know listen you know I brought up D SP Deep Space

Nine to Andrew and he starts making fun of me call me nerd and all this stuff and like you know it's stupid can you

just tell to him that it's good

he he's embarrassing I love you Adam God you Son

of God you admit that on a live podcast love you Adam I love you too Andrew I'll

see you soon see you soon dude I'll see you in a couple weeks thank you for being a bad friend

such a good way to oh my God [Music]