[CLEAN VERSION!] Open Chucanos & Closed Chichitos | Ep 118 ft. Fahim Anwar | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots why dude i'm an asian dude

you two are disgusting well you two or something we're bad friends

can i let me ask you something how does only fans work because i i know what it is well i'll show how it works what

happens is you can put almost anything on there it doesn't have to be nudity anymore it can be you can be you can do anything there's

people on there that are making like tens of thousands of dollars a month and all they're doing is showing feet

wow we don't even have to show nudity and we can still make a bunch of money can i show the cracks on my feet because i have fungi on it yes i think that's a

subcategory maybe a girl like a girl i can do a growth thing every day yes yeah i mean yes update

people like that do you think people would like our only fans yeah see we see selling feed picks making 200 a day

would make way more than that so in terms of women what do women show on only fans some of them show um just sexy

lingerie some of them show them changing into like um stuff that they bought like sexy stuff some of them are showing

their chocha and they're and they're in there

some of them show their channels is is it porn is there sex i don't know is it is that yes yes there's four there's

so i can go on only fans and let's suppose like you know mrs bring gardener mrs baumgardner bomb garner this is bomb

gardener down the street has it only fans yeah and you know she makes love to ted bomb goner right and they make love

i can pay for that and watch them make love yeah at a premium level you can watch you can watch these people either some people

not everybody has sexy stuff on there some people just do regular there's like now they wanted to get into gaming they want comics on there only fans wants can

you set the prices so let's this yes hypothetically if you and i want to do only fans right

mm-hmm and we wanted to really do anal intercourse okay

if we want to do it i would never do this by the way when you say weed you mean if you wanted to do it you and i

did it yeah if we did it together but only you wanted to do it and i was just doing it to support you because i'm your good friend that would probably be the

case that's definitely the case i'd have to convince you to do it but once i convinced you to do it would you do it

yeah but we got what would we set the price at eight

million eight or ten bucks maybe like something yeah but what i'm saying is that and then

once we did it why can't can somebody screenshot or download the video and then put it on

youtube so i think they're working on security measures to make it so you can't steal that stuff but i think as of right now it's very stealable i think

people do steal stuff and put it up on the internet but they're working on privacy now look their whole thing was they were gonna

get rid of porn do you not remember this they were they were they were gonna say they put out there was a thing where they were like we're gonna stop doing

porn people freaked out because so much of their revenue is from porn yeah so they're like sorry sorry sorry we didn't mean it we didn't mean it maybe like

playboy being like we're not going to show boobs anymore people like that's not real that's all you are yeah but now people

are making a really good living and some of them aren't even showing much so you we don't like you don't have to show

your kotano [Music] but you make more money if you sure

yeah look at that blac chyna earns 20 million a month a month a month bellathorn 11 million a month cardi b

nine million a month tyga whoa tigers tiger shown tyga is showing his he's uh he's showing his pequito yeah his

paquito is live on there i've heard that you can see tigers paquito yeah and mia khalifa

six million six million a year not a month a year a month no dude monthly earnings month yeah i know

my buddy what are in the wrong game dude 100 we got a show open chicano open chicano

we'll do that yeah and you're filming it yeah why me who else is gonna do it these

guys are busy working yeah i don't wanna see you guys can i let me tell you something listen listen you don't have to look right look

at the monitor right but just see if the camera is in the right position and then look away how

hard would it be not to laugh for her though the whole time the moment the moment she sees

the moment she sees you you'll laugh so are there either of our buttholes right and then the pain

the initial entrance of the pain in my face you would laugh so hard it's so funny and we would be laughing because

like dude it's too you're going in too rough when you know me yeah yeah yeah yeah

i mean no way put spit in yeah yeah no dry is a bone that's like

you took that that link i sent you the video that woman from youtube yeah i posted

this the other day not that one the other one the other one we'll get to that one the this one bro

this somehow went viral on the internet yeah again uh this woman there's a show called uh

what's it called a celebrity super spa and these women think they're going in to wax a woman yeah but you don't get to

see it but this is her reaction when she sees a man's butthole a man's bottle for the first time okay this would be rudy

if she walked in on you and me okay here we go the other side of this door i'm expecting to see a big burly man

or a handsome young man who cares as long as he's a man yes are they

english

hello hi [Laughter]

come guys dude stop stop push possibly i think she was expecting to see a man and she got a

woman that fires a woman's butthole she's fired no but keep going this is the best part she she's got the giggles

remember in school when you couldn't stop laughing

i love when you try to hold it together if i wasn't mad look we should get in here here you go she cries

[Laughter] give her a second hold it together you got this

you've got this come on

[Laughter]

no they can't show it this but this was years ago i don't even know what it was it was on this this reality show obviously yeah from there but that would

be you and you know what the next one i sent you that this would be the next version of this a tick tock girl got her

vibrator stuck in her butt look at that look at the x-ray wow that's you by the way do you know how much stuff i would stick in your butt what do you mean i

would not let it i would put it so far up it couldn't come back i'm going to say something right now it's not a [ __ ] warehouse yes down

yes it is that's an amazon one my butthole doc is in there it is so tight

yes dude my poop looks like angel hair pasta yeah it's so

[ __ ] tight you said it was loose yeah it's loose okay it's

okay angel hair pasta all right listen mine's ravioli [Laughter]

it's listen all butthole in the entrance is very very tight yeah okay when you get deep it becomes there's more space

it widens out it widens like a face it's like a little base right so but initially to get it into the doorway

you're not going to be able to get a bunch of stuff in the doorway unless you open the doorway that's right

right if you do some carpentry work right right and then there's blood a

little massaging yeah there's oh you think massaging is the only thing i'm going to massage it right open so it starts like this and then

no i feel like there's scissors

[Laughter] why so why yeah this girl got a vibrator stuck in

her tush what a bummer what a bummer i tell a joke about this on stage yeah when we were in uh austin like uh

someone approached bobby with a x-ray like look exactly like this someone really wait really yeah i don't remember

this but what was the x-ray of again of a flashlight oh a guy had a flashlight up his ass oh that's why he gave me the

x-ray what was someone looking for up there oh so why show me well i'm not a doctor but did you think

it was cool to see it was a cool thing to see yes obviously but why show me the middle of you appreciate you ask

when you i mean she was a girl like working at the er and bobby asked oh have you seen any weird stuff so then

you asked i did ask that's an easy fix jules never put

anything in your butthole i won't i know never not even a piece they're even penis i wonder

your face looks like i don't want that it's scary but you already have huh no

no that's the face of someone no

come on you see this thing i'm a fiji man buddy this goes right up this goes right up

there yeah honestly i don't think anything's been up there no chance no i can't i'm so scared i'm so scared of

putting anything on my side of my feet for a joke i put candy bars you put a candy bar on your butt well alright should fear put a twix in my butthole

the left one or the right one what do you mean you know what i mean that's very funny

did you put two twix no just one the left one

is twix twixes i got unfollows what do you mean you got unfollow the only friend's phone wait why why would people

unfollow because of that because i have some fans that follow me because i'm on certain things that they like me on but

then it's like they have christian you know i mean foundations you don't i think there's a very follow followable

photo no i always whenever i put something provocative on i lose about a thousand fans really yeah

what's wrong with that not a thousand like maybe two or 250 people start unfollowing do you have you

actually have a lot of christian fans i have some yeah like church going well koreans aren't really

i didn't know this until i did that show beef with them that that so many koreans are like bombarded by the church oh yeah

yeah i didn't know it's the number one religion in korea christianity can you sing any christian song do you remember any songs from when you were a kid yeah

which one is that uh jesus i love me yes i know

for the bible tell me

dun dun dun

how do your song do your song jesus love me yes i know

for the bible tell me so right that and that

rhythm is [Laughter]

yeah yeah no the amount of koreans in church it was wild we did a scene in a church yeah and all of these guys we're

talking about the moonies you know about the moonies right i don't you know about the moonies i swear to god i don't know what that is look at

the [ __ ] guy sit down oh speaking of church going weirdos [ __ ] weird let's go

ladies and gentlemen yeah put on the headphones ladies and gentlemen i'd like to present to you our our guest of uh

guest segment right now yeah he looks like if oscar isaac was super sick

i'll take it yeah i'll take it what happened yeah ladies and gentlemen

we'd like to introduce our guest segment uh that we're bringing in some of our friends sometimes he's

only going to stay for as long as we can put up with him yeah he is one of the funniest most talented dudes

i've ever met in my life he's my oldest friend in comedy we literally met uh how many years ago now

so many like 15. wait wait wait wait wait who took me

me on the road what did he pay you that's not important no see that is very important why is that important because my friendship and my love has been more

more than the money that you've given him it's not about money it's about it's about helping you did you get any opportunities did you get any

opportunities from him taking you on the road yeah i got to like headline some clubs after i featured for him occasionally thank you what see rooms

for like 80 bucks hey see you're being negative and mean all right let's let's reel it back reel it back that's really

nice that you that he helped you out a lot yeah but i'm also an older friend that is true i've known him yeah let me ask you this ladies and gentlemen for

he-man thank you thank you for having me by the way um has a special coming out uh he's

putting out a special it comes out may 27th may 27th on

my youtube channel it's very hard to get that's one of the hottest specials are coming out nowadays it's coming so it's already been out so

it's already out right now on youtube it's blowing up right we already know it is [ __ ] huge 48 million views the

first hour yeah i heard it's more than uh gangnam style which was surprising to me for a special like normally yeah you

know what k-pop is doing k-pop numbers you know why he said gangnam style that was racist that was very racist no i

don't even even see here stop right how dare you come into my [ __ ] house and say gangnam style

get him dude right it's like if you came in here i said here's some sand but you do that all the time you do it

i say do i really i say thank you yeah yeah yeah at your wedding can we throw sand instead of rice that's what we do

that's like you're making fun but that's a tradition it's funny that you're racist towards him and because you think he's

from the middle east he's [ __ ] italian yeah italian dude his kid's from northern italy he's from afghanistan no he's not i mean

yeah first of all he's from seattle he's from seattle but the origins of him his dad is italian

his dad was a chef tell him about your boy rd boyardee yeah

did you know rudy have you guys met i only know of rudy hello hi big fan

big she was in the comedy store big fan too yeah yeah because my thing on is doing game style numbers right

have you seen his special on netflix i mean on how are you man sorry i'm wearing you special

nobody's cecil didn't even see the special one yeah yeah yeah fahim has put has put out a special it's

out right now for the fans be honest bobby one of the funniest comics you know i'm

dead serious here's what i want to say about fahim anwar um number one he's um probably the best joke writer out there

um he's always doing new [ __ ] clever [ __ ] um i don't like following him because it's like i just feel like my

shit's so old compared to his it's so relevant and so edgy too and just crisp i think

you're the nicest guy too very talented good actor good writer you're all around a super super talented guy i couldn't

even look at your eyes when i give you the comments you were fox news's number one brown comedian this year tucker carlson named

me start a watch which i thought was like are you being real no why would i want a vote of confidence oh are you on this show what do you mean

what are you talking of course it's not real you think tucker carlson likes this guy like it's variety top ten like these are my comics to watch let me tell you

the comics you need to see here's a brown piece of [ __ ] that i've had a little bit for anybody

well he wouldn't be nice about it there's no way yeah no uh if faheem faheem special is called pro-life uh

because it's relevant to what's going on because it's through tucker's youtube vertical like i did i didn't want to call it that

but he was pretty adamant about that he was like this or bust yeah yeah i need this heat and for him for people that

want to know how because here's the thing about americans they'll look at this guy and they go all right do i

really want to listen to this brownie right and i'll say this yeah

i know no and i mean nobody in our friendship circle that is more of an american gun-toting root and tootin

freedom fighter ex-veteran than this guy yeah well definitely some of those

things yes yeah yeah i'm not a next veteran i got to squash that right off the bat

yeah i don't want to do stolen valor let me say something because the things that we were talking about earlier yeah

you would feel very uncomfortable with so i think we should revisit those things the only fans yes what would you

think about me and bobby starting and only fans it'd be a great move yeah yeah i told you but like would you

be cameraman no i have too many things going on like i don't need to do that you're busy yeah

but the amount of money we're gonna charge we're charging eight million dollars because we're gonna buff [ __ ] well well well well i'm gonna [ __ ]

him yeah what if he switch he's never gonna he's never gonna i'm the buffet yeah yeah yeah he's a i'm a fan and if

he said we'll give you a million dollars every time check this out that's kind of what it's going to look like so i'll give you

when are these taken and where were they thinking about 20 minutes 20 minutes to go in the front room

can i tell you something you're honestly your ball sack looks like a [ __ ] from the back

rudy's nodding doesn't it look like a [ __ ] from the back it's like a fat [ __ ] [Laughter]

bro that looks like a fat [ __ ] puss you gotta fat your cheeto back there baby

dude swear to god that does it looks kind of hot i'm not gonna lie you're involved with my ass what's wrong with your ass you're so flat

well you don't you definitely i wanna get this i wanna get the brazilian uh butt lift the butt lift yeah yeah and

you have to be in a wheelchair when you're at the gate have you seen it like when women get the procedure done like all of them have to be in a wheelchair

yeah yeah by the way this is going to come back to haunt us for sure yeah we just threw this on the internet

like morons yeah like that there's no way that's not gonna [ __ ] ruin our career at some point so you wouldn't be

cameraman if we gave you a million dollars every time to shoot us yeah a million bucks yeah i don't need

it i don't need the money that bad wow the special is doing very well here's the thing about him what i love about

yeah he has principles he does yeah so back when he was young i brought this buffalo i got to bring in the background right back when i was on mad tv right

he this kid was working at boeing yeah right and he all he wanted to do was

comedy and television so i walked up to when i go listen i have a sketch on matt tv that nate dave navarro's on

and i just need you to be in the sketch he goes what is it i told him whatever now yeah he has principles that's always

been faheem's move yeah i like that about him i just like doing things that i like you know right

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information provided on your loan application go to upstart.com bad friends fame just got back from a

corporate gig literally and yeah yeah i was in colorado today denver but let's do no no keystone so you did a corporate

gig right before this one because i know you oh my god yeah and you talked about it we took fox in in san diego no it's

in calabasas in california it's probably the worst gig i've ever done and he bombed so badly so hard

no i indicted silence everyone didn't do great but i think i took the cake that show why

you bombed oh yeah because it was a corporate and sometimes corporates it's not set up like a comedy club they like

try to re they see you at a comedy club yeah and they're like oh look i want to do this for my corporate retreat and

they try to build a comedy club in a hotel ballroom and it's [ __ ] weird and it's sad yes because there's like

all these tables and then the room is way too cavernous you know there's way too much space yeah

and it's just weird it's you're in a [ __ ] marriott it's yes it feels so weird and also they'll be like we're

chill like anything goes just let it rip but you made a point that if any place has an hr department

that that's it's not going to go well of course not yes i just did chris spencer's wife's

show for her teachers at a school and backstage i'm like should i go on

who would hire you for that chris spencer just do your thing [ __ ] idiot i go yeah but i say so many crazy things he's

like they're into it no they're not yes and and moz want to perform you know how likable pc is right i walked up there

and the first thing that came out it was silence it was

dead down yeah and then all of a sudden i could feel this one sweat dripping down my face you know right oh

i've been and i know i knew i was in for the worst 15 minutes oh bob it was terrible i went too dark too soon

because i believe the guy when they're like we're cool with whatever just like let it rip you know don't pretend you're doing a corporate just do a regular

handicap on nike joke no i did some other one but like they tensed up so much because if they say do whatever and

they have a hr department like if you're around these people eight hours monday through friday and you're not allowed cert to say certain things you're not

gonna be able to turn that part of your brain off right and be like oh now i can do that yeah and the people that do that

get fired immediately at a christmas party because they honk you know karen's tits and then someone's like you honk for mark you know what you did last

night he's like it's a christmas part and he's fired on monday yeah yeah those things are a [ __ ] nightmare i

did one one time and i ate such a [ __ ] pile of dicks for 30 minutes at the pacific design center i almost

didn't even want the money and you're making like 600 a show

at these colleges that your agents and your managers take thirty percent it's a [ __ ] nightmare yeah you take a bus to

[ __ ] college town to college it was the [ __ ] worst and i did that for [ __ ] years so look at you now baby

god you beat the system didn't you bob no i i but isn't there i don't know this is kind of cocky but

isn't there a part of you that's like you know some of the success i feel like i earned it no you definitely earned it

you feel that well yeah you you [ __ ] do you feel it yeah there's a lot of work yeah so it was so much work it's

mostly work that no one sees that's the problem it's no one sees that you know well it's all the grinding night in a

night out all the clubs you know nobody knows that so many people in this town want to go to parties the birthday parties and go to some house party and

[ __ ] and try to like get ahead that way nobody just wants to go to the shitty uh bar show and work on their craft for

several years until they get very good but this town does reward people

i mean i've never met someone who's fallen face-first into such a great situation and she's not even grateful she doesn't give a [ __ ]

this is the problem with the generation you have to work for it she doesn't she has more followers on instagram than

most of our friends how many followers do you have on instagram uh less than rudy probably yeah how much do you have

73 yeah she's getting 100 100 000. and she's done literally

20 years he's been doing it right you've done nothing and he has a craft and he's extremely good at it so good but i can't

do this what what is

she is the lounge expert actually you know what that is true fajim can't do nothing yeah that would drive you nuts

yeah you know when some people like there's people that work jobs just so they can retire that's the opposite of you would you

that's you know once they say some people they retire and it's their that's their dream some people retire and they die because they just don't know yeah

i'm i'm if i retire i'll probably die you you're the same way you love work

i just need to be doing it yeah you need to do something yeah i can't imagine if they were like uh you have throat cancer

mr lee you have throat cancer god i hope not holy [ __ ] right and you can't talk ever again oh and then what would you do

just program your joke oh yeah be one hey

who couldn't talk but he was a stand-up yeah but all his jokes were in the thing did they crush

they did my my point is that your dad could have [ __ ] programmed no no you think he's writing it because

does his facial expressions match up to the thing no it's like look at the size of the tits on this [ __ ] in the front row but he's not moving his lips oh

look at the size of it no there's no talking it's all in the computer

i was trying to do that but you're moving your [ __ ] lips well i'm not a [ __ ] ventriloquist bob

oh is that what you're doing yes oh my god god what are you doing he's showing the video of it that's it lost voice guy

that guy that guy let's see this guy hello my name is lee and for obvious

reasons i'm also known as the lost voice guy see his arms his arms are part of

the bit and how long have you lost your voice i just knew you were going to ask

something that i hadn't thought about beforehand so please

he goes far oh that's the thing with these shows if you have some calamity or some hardship

we talked about that you're going to go the furthest here's how you win on america's got talent get hit by something a bust a car

a sad story yeah or a kid or some sort of disability somebody if you have all

three you won the whole thing you don't have to do anything cancer yes that's a huge one somebody has to

have cancer either you or someone you love right right you have a disability yeah

and you came from a tough place yeah bum-bum-bum but if i'll win you know

what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go to a rooftop right douse

myself right in what with with um gasoline oh good yeah i think that's implied with dallas like

nobody else in water well i get on a rooftop by putting on sunscreen yeah two different guys i'm gonna light myself on fire then

jump off break every bone in my body i'm gonna have a couple of guys put water on me right right and i'm to show up right

on america's got talent and i'm going to go back and i'm going to get the golden buzzer

i'm going to win the whole thing really you think that's going to work yes can you imagine that they wheeling a guy immediately after you yeah who's like oh

look he's an asian guy who also set on fire and fell off a roof yeah but he's gay and then he wins just

right yeah beat you by once he brought me one thing right you think backstage they see the minorities like how deformed they

are they're like oh that's gonna be tough to be like i just have no arms this guy's burned and he has no legs yeah that

guy's on fire right now but then what i would do is i would add a lie angle but i'm eight

eight yeah eight years old then they're like oh a kid when something's wrong with them that's a thing right yeah yeah

kids they go if you're a kid and you're okay you're gonna go far yeah but if you're a kid and disabled oh my god

forget about it give him the golden [ __ ] buzz i hate the story too it's like you know like you get this in like uh american

idol where they'll go yeah so yeah anyway my best friend my uncle died two years ago and then i just

go oh and i'm i'm always like

sing [Laughter] i don't like that they try to find the

story too angry two years is so long two years it's like they try to come up with a

story well they're digging they're probably is backstage what story am i going to tell what bad thing did anybody get hurt in your family do you know

anybody that has any tragedy they need to pull something they need to pull someone what would be your trick card my trick hard what to go far yeah like what

would you have to use something look you're in your own life what would be your story like my village got bombed

like i'm not even from ireland in seattle so we're judges right this is this is called um los angeles got

something ellie got something yeah ellie got something right and we're both dresses

my name is simon chao and you're simon no if you're simon ciao yeah i have to

be you know heidi wong heidi wong joe and hi wong we're both you have

accents you better believe it hey welcome to

america la got something [Laughter] right welcome to l.a got something this

is i am simon chao i'm hadi wang yeah anyway tell your story what your story

what first of all what's your talent i am i like to sing oh

another singer what a big deal yeah so what

what so tell me about yourself i i'm from um afghanistan

oh bad bad base that's really bad really good

uh poppy seeds that make heroin

and i tried to deflect but he blew up and he's not here anymore and nick cannon is like oh hit this

[ __ ] losing his mind interesting so you know

but i remember last year we had another guy from afghanistan his missile hit him

my brother stepped on the ied

um [Laughter]

junkyard and machete in junkyard

it killed people it's like my mother-in-law yeah

no mommy anymore well that will happen if there was a machete around it yeah okay for us now

now i'm very nervous [Laughter]

yeah here we go it's probably not good come on

yeah that would be your freedom that would be your freedom yeah and you and you would go far far far so far i'd be i have a

residency in vegas yeah yeah yeah yeah and they'd have like photoshop pictures of my mother

like this is dedicated too as you walk into the hallway to the showroom it's got your brother blown up

yeah like everybody watch where you walk

thank you good night yeah but then what will i but then people would do research yeah they'd find it and they would go

like you know his mom lives in glendale

is go to your mom and go i think they're finding out so we're gonna have to we're gonna have to get

your ass but we'll cut you in half in a way right where you're still going to be alive but

your legs are going to be missing yeah so then when they come over and you go look right and she's going to be like

machete right flying machete mom yeah but at the end of the day you will already have banked

all that vegas cream that who gives a [ __ ] yeah would you ever do a residency in vegas no i wouldn't well yeah not

really because i like doing new stuff you know like i want to work on new stuff and when you're doing a residency you're just banging out the hits your whole

life yeah but i mean look at some point if you reach that point in

your career when you just don't feel like writing and touring a lot i could see being in the latter half

being like i'll do a couple years in vegas i always say vegas is where you can see stars from yesteryear while

sitting down right yeah yeah like i saw boys to men when i was there and i loved boys to men i grew up with

them but everyone was just sitting down with a giant big gulp i know we went to go see gwen stefani uh because we were going to

vegas um little dicky played in vega like played a new year show a couple years ago well it was like four years

ago now and we were like oh you know we can go see gwen stefani before he does his show at like midnight i was like she's right

next door that's great i think she's amazing i was like i've never seen her we go exact same thing no one's even wooing

there wasn't even like a whoop yeah it was literally like it was a quiet theater people sat she would come out do

the thing and then people would do this it was so [ __ ] weird it i i was blown

away that all these young girls weren't like getting excited excited it was just uh

it was like watching a movie i bought tickets to a comedy show when i was dating christine absol

[ __ ] lutely never in a million years i know because i didn't know him at the time but she's mexican and she grew up

with george lopez yeah right so i called my agents and i go can you get me tickets they're like

yeah so they got me second row right but i still had to pay some where was this at

at some amphitheater somewhere down i don't know where i was sure in downtown where the state staple center whatever it is you took her to go see another

comic is great but this is what i almost walked out because this is what happened so we're sitting there and i think i

brought up to george since then but we're just sitting there and i'm like what is the show starting

right and the lights turn off and then there's like smoke

like what the [ __ ] there may be some dancing tap dancing [ __ ] going on here right

and he comes out to his back turn from the ground to the audience sick right

and he stands there for five minutes without turning around

and that's how long the applause break was wow and i was like i was leaving i was

leaving i couldn't do it i [ __ ] but i watched it he was very

funny the show was good but i paid would you pay money for a comedy show no no even i mean i don't know

i would just like use all my connections to be like hey can i get in i would use agency or hit you up say hey can you stop you're in love with a new girl

let's just say you're in love with a new girl she is a massive comedy fan but a fan of a comedian who's nothing like you

and you have no connection to this person yakov smirnoff she's russian right but she's pro-ukraine she's

she's pro-ukraine but she's russian and you can't get to yaakov you can't get the yak off because he doesn't have agents he doesn't oh right and she goes

so there's the yakov schmidt here's the new girl you're in love with and she's like for him i i want to see

him so bad i miss russia why won't you take me why won't you take

me to see yakov and you have to pay how much are tickets to yakov

3 000. what the [ __ ] wait why vip vip

what does vip entail though like he gets to yell at us in russian for five minutes

and it's three thousand dollars we get yeah three thousand for vip and he will decide he will sign my kids

but i thought you like me no yeah i want you to [ __ ] my teacher i want him to sign my tits

i want you to [ __ ] where he signs on my tits but you still love me

yeah of course but you need to take me to say yoga for otherwise i will never give you blow chop again

okay um here's my visa

that's why you went to church yeah that's why i went to work because i had to do it did you have to laugh the whole time too just like you know there's some

parts where i'm like oh that was good he's funny he's great he's really funny i found an arsenal youtube rabbit hole

because he was doing the new arsenal stuff for netflix during the festival yeah and then i saw george and old

george lopez like his premiere on arsenio it was just crazy to watch a 30 year old george lopez i know so on

arsenio just kill him kill it and kill it on the couch afterwards too like

yeah that's where those guys made their mark was killing on the couch do you know who arsenio hall is at all no

his audience used to get up and go nice man it was like it was the height

it was the height of like cool masculinity you never see coming to america television no oh okay

she doesn't do much it's what we've learned she's just here to make you guys feel so old no she

genuinely does but here's the other thing she's not even in tune with her generation that's the weirdest part she makes us

feel old because she's she's just can i argue again i want to i'm going to be a lawyer here okay okay

what i found about the younger generation because i was at wii spa last night and there was one guy out of eight

young 19 year old asian dudes they followed me in the jade sauna you get followed in all the rooms right so i'm

in the jade sauna and these nine dudes just sit around and i go to the jade sauna at the wii spa because no one ever goes in there so they just call sat

around me and one guy goes you're bobby lee right and i go

yeah yeah and the rest of it guy's like why the [ __ ] are we doing in here man who the [ __ ] is this guy oh that's nice

of them yeah my point is is that everyone he watches podcasting but everyone has so many options yeah to

watch right that it's like she has so many options we didn't have that growing up when we grew up we had four channels

that we could watch yeah and there's six shows that we had you know i mean so that's why we know who

gary coleman is if you did one show everybody knew you yeah now you'd have to do about 10 shows and then a few

people might start to get to know who the tonight show would have changed one appearance would have changed your life

you wouldn't have gone from no money to a millionaire yeah by doing johnny carson real talk this is bigger for me

than doing like a late night you're my friends and [ __ ] this is bigger for me than doing stand-up on the late night show

alpha brain from on it you know those times when you're so into what you're doing that you can't think about anything else andrew yep the times when

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order by going to onit.com bad friends that is on it dot com bad friends you're

my friends this show is huge like the special's coming out like what better place to do it than here you know well

people need to what is the special call by the way it's called hat trick so i did i did all three rooms i watched the

comedy store you bring me up in the original room i do 15 minutes later this is my butthole for you oh [ __ ] man i

don't need you to do that but i appreciate it that's someone hold on will it be left twix

yeah i said that's what we said that's what we said earlier yeah so i bounce around all the

rooms and then finish in the belly and it's yeah you did you did oh our main belly yeah but here's the best part that i think people need to know about this

restaurant because i'm being genuine he sent it to me i watched it and i called him on the car ride at home when i was driving back from see me [ __ ] valley

uh the most beautiful thing is it's hard to encapsulate what it's like to go live to the comedy store it's

almost it's almost impossible to encapture that on film because everything has to be like shot

and overshot and filmed and taken from different angles and his was done so

organically it felt like a night at the club because it was a [ __ ] night at the club

i directed it right like so there's only one camera going at the same time so you don't get shot to the audience or whatnot it's not a lot of reaction shots

of the crowd but like you know there's multiple angles and stuff yeah but so you see me from different angles you see

back of heads it just feels like i wanted the ultimate fly on the wall experience at the comedy store because

every special there's like neons and [ __ ] it doesn't even look like the place that we perform at every night right i just wanted to

like not put lipstick on the pig just [ __ ] show the place and you can't even eat pig which is kind of ironic

about this whole thing but

no but it is it's incredible but it looks like a [ __ ] night at our home amazing yeah you get a lot of backstage

stuff like you yeah just talking in the hallway outside the parking lot parking lot green room just like yeah walking

through the bar to get upstairs um it's really cool really magical place

let's rank the clubs in la the three no why don't i want to do that you try to make enemies i don't want to make enemies i just want to tell you what

what your number one place is well the comedy is for everybody in this room that's our home so comedy is number one

number two flappers

i've never really been i did a i did a jfl showcase there once and then they asked would i come back and i said yeah i just i never have gone

i have no beef with any of those other places i just don't go yeah it's almost like

i'm sure like there's restaurants that people are like you have you never eaten there and you're like i see it i just never stopped by i know

it's there but i know what bobby's ranking is i'm going to feel like a piece of [ __ ] by saying this right now i'll do it

because i want to talk about flappers go ahead okay so the woman that runs it nice lady barbara i don't know so barbra

when she's opening it right um she calls me she goes i'm opening a comic club right cool she goes i go what

what weekends can i play she's like oh no you're not a weekend guy you're a tuesday wednesday guy right

and i go well who's your weekend guys she goes names me a couple of comics that i know that doesn't even remotely draw the way i do yeah barf from a

gopher yeah yeah and i i go no and then i saw her at the improv maybe a month

ago and she's there hanging out and she's in the green room i don't know upstairs and she basically goes how come you don't play my club and i i didn't know

how to say because i'm a tuesday wednesday guy oh my god i think he said you say that there or do you just hold

it and turn it make it turn into a cancer later so a guy like me goes you know i just i just don't do it but a guy

like you yeah a guy like you yeah badly wants to use it because you love

vindictive [ __ ] you love payback it's one of your favorite things but i didn't i go okay i know but i'm

surprised because you want to bad but deep down there is a part of him that goes

yeah i'm busy on tuesday wednesday nights i go to my a meeting that's a cool way to do it yeah yeah but i didn't do that because i

i'm trying to change my ways well i've told you i'm trying to be a better person ladies and gentlemen

we just want to say thank you to fahim thank you because he has a great special that's out right now on youtube

it is called did i sign a waiver by fahiman right no patrick it's called the hat trick please watch the hat trick

on youtube right now it would mean a lot to us yeah on the youtube.com please tell the fans to

[ __ ] watch the game female waiver i love you for him thank you so much for treating me again

i'll talk to you later thank you we love you give him some love love your [ __ ] love

god bless you're the best i'll call you later well tonight you're sore uh tomorrow all right i'll see you there i'll call you later buddy now that fahim

is gone what do you think of him because now we can talk [ __ ] now cause i know that that's your favorite thing to do yeah

i don't talk [ __ ] but see negative things we like negative so that we can work through it well we're

being positive for for the next month we said we'd be positive we want you to be the negative one on the show um his nose

is very jewish [Laughter]

so you don't think he's muslim you think he's a jerk yeah yeah yeah i was gonna say that but then i thought it would be

mean yeah oh you want to say that in front of him yeah no you should have that would have been so funny so funny

but you know now he he's going to hear and see this after the fact but that's okay you don't mean anything mean by it yeah right but that's your only

impression you're just looking at his nose the whole time yeah because some girls think he's sexy do you think he's sexy

um i don't know he's he's cute yeah he's cute in what way

like aladdin how aladdin was cute he doesn't even look brown what does he look white no see this is

the problem because she hates whites he's too light he's too light brown for her yeah right you want a darker brown

yeah yeah she likes darker brown you like darker brown he's a little too light-skinned muslim too light yeah yeah yeah yeah what do

you think of the religion i love muslims what do you think of the religion are you setting her up

i don't mind it it's what do you know about it what do you know about it they don't eat pork

what's our god called allah that's all that's all i know praise allah what's the book called

there it is you heard that almost um

i don't know karaoke the book of karaoke yeah yeah yeah koran

koran yeah and what else are they as a woman what else do they believe for women women should walk

women should wear all those coverings because and they should walk behind the man

and speak when they're spoken to and serve the man and serve the man how do you feel about that i don't want i don't

like that i know i'm trying to be a muslim out here why don't you like it don't muslim men um they can marry a lot

of women first of all this doesn't apply to all branches of we're generalizing we know

almost nothing about it i don't even know where i am all i know is this this is all i [ __ ]

why would you want to marry more than one [ __ ] woman that would be a headache nightmare how many like when i

see those polygamous [ __ ] that show that's on like tlc or whatever that guy that has like six wives why the [ __ ]

would you want that many [ __ ] that's insane sister wives this [ __ ] psycho and by the way bring up the image of

these people look at what these people look like good look at what these people look like i know i don't know what are they

looking for just click on the photo let's zoom in zoom in and let me let me say something mean it's like they

photoshop the same face on everybody it's him it's him as different yeah they're all the same person that's him as different

women yeah yeah and i gotta tell you like which one would you [ __ ] you got four swings and

you struck me honestly which one would you spend the most with the girl in the far right

oh yeah the girl on the front right yeah where's the guy at though i don't know i don't know if there is a guy at this point oh he they just they should just

show the wives in that photo what do you mean that's the guy i know you did but like

emperors back in the day like in china right yeah they used to have like 200 concubines no that's different though

why those are just women they got to sleep with you but you know these guys have to live in a house and still you know those concubines

how come you didn't you know i wrote you a letter how come you didn't write me back i mean you know everybody so busy

i know but you know dick dick you spent three days with dick dick and tong tong

right but me you ever see me in three more your tits are weird

that's the [ __ ] thing on this show i've seen it before they talk on the show about he spends more time with other women and they all get jealous

what do you [ __ ] expect what do you think is going on yeah of course he's gonna pick and choose who's got the

tightest i would get the front the brunette for me the brunette if i had to pick the

brunette nah not for me which one back right because she looks like she can suck a golf ball throughout garden hose

yeah that the bathroom right yeah no i dude look

beyond the idea that i don't want to [ __ ] make these real humans feel bad i just think it's not my [ __ ] i don't

give a [ __ ] you can go do whatever you want do be happy with as many people as you want what's that photo that's all the kids they have

wait their kids have kids but they have to [ __ ] each other he has kids with all the woman that's

not true he has kids i think with every woman i think i don't know oh that headache yeah balancing that i'd forget

first of all remembering their names is no also imagining him doing a five-way divorce the alimony well insane yeah

insane you're broke you're homeless i mean how do you remember all these kids name that was always impressive to me i i

i'm one of two kids and i was an only child for a while before my sister yeah my mom forgot my name all the time

there's a system that you can do it i think what is it what is it so what i would do is if one of the woman's name is angie

i can memorize the five women's names right so their kids would all start with an a m

right correct right right so angie and joe andrew would have been an easier one

of them but anjo would be what angel my brother and joe is the oldest right and jai anji

and she's my wife yeah but she they could have an angie uh angie the woman what's your favorite daughter angie

junior the woman right so anjo yeah and jai right angelica angelica angelo angel

angel would be a good one and then if my other wife was name is uh brianna be all br bianc bianca

bianca even harder bi way harder let's try bianca though okay go for it b b

listen idiot you [ __ ] idiot listen when i'm calling you and your sister yeah yeah yeah i think there's

to be able to remember all of those kids and be in line with who's whose kid would went with which woman that would

[ __ ] you that would [ __ ] me up too they look they all look the same no but this is what you do he [ __ ] up

he [ __ ] it up you you marry different races

yeah he got all whites which is one black girl yep so i know what i mean one black one asian one uh black you would

have a mexican one black mexican being asian i couldn't do an age i could do an asian one if i'm full asian you

should have a white i definitely have a white yeah those are my good looking ones

well you have to get loans for these houses somehow yeah yeah all right so so you have a black black one an asian one i would probably have a

mexican one a mexican but that's so close to asian i think my kids will kind of look asian or no no if it's if

it's mexican mexican indigenous mexican indigenous indigenous mexican yeah and then and then native american

that's same as indigenous no mexican native americans look very different indigenous native you're saying

indigenous people mexican mexico indigenous people in mexico and native americans are too similar

i would go south asian okay okay yeah yeah like what

yeah yeah i'm not south asian you're not you're not asian at all as far as i'm concerned you know what i always

i would marry two whites i would marry an american white but check this out in my thinking okay

a russian white because my kids will have knives oh yes right yes they like i

saw eastern promises where that was that movie eastern promises yeah yeah yeah the [ __ ] steam room yeah so those

kids are good at violence yeah and if one of my kids is playing with a bear outside i got yeah that's my russian one yes yeah yeah that's look at there's a

never go to a steam room with a russian no yeah yeah no let him go and let him come out and then you get in and lock the door yeah yeah lock yourself inside

the steamer what would you have all whites no no

no you know what i would do well with me it would look but the red hair thing would stand out with anybody if i had a black wife but we had a black kid with

red hair because you know if you've seen this there's black kids with red hair yeah like i have a buddy who's black with freckles that is a lot of freckles

don't like it [ __ ] you you know what your kids would all look like sinbad one of the coolest guys of all time she

has no idea who that is yeah show me sinbad thin bad the comedian he's the [ __ ] man a successful awesome

comedian i'll take it i'm not the lion yeah so these are all that's my andrew's kids yeah with a black woman

go to the one yeah that's me back in the 80s though sinbad in the 80s

you think what with the lion what did you say sinbad oh simba oh simba

it just gets harder and harder

thank you for being a bad friend [Music]

bye