A Kid at the Crib | Ep 105 | Bad Friends

hey everybody april 15th uh andrew and i bad friends is gonna be at the moon tower comedy festival in austin in

austin texas and um the tickets go on sale soon tickets are about to be on

sale yeah so check it out also my one of my best friends in the world is playing the irvine improv march 18th and 19th

exactly and even though i sold out every show i did there i want andrew to be sold out too okay so 18th and 19th come

see me irvine improv sell it out santino.com

[Music]

we're bad friends welcome back to the show welcome back to the show welcome back to

the show um nice day for

quite a wedding i was listening to that and i don't even know what that means but it's are there black people at the

wedding do you know what that song's about what is it it's a nice day to start again that's what it is

that's what it's about no you know what it's really about what is it so his sister from what i when i and pete can

look this up his sister was kind of uh exiled from the family so to speak or

she was like the black sheep of the family and that song is like saying oh this white puritan you know this

puritanical idea of weddings and it cleans you out and bro it makes you perfect i never listened to the song going wow they're excluding

black and out of their minorities i know what it is it has nothing i know what white wedding means what does it mean it

means that they're wearing white yeah right and it's also the institution is very clean and white but he's saying it

because his sister was like a black sheep of the family and it's like oh what does black sheep mean she's black are you adopted so you're the black sheep oh i'm adopted no you're the black

sheep of comedy in the comedy world you're the black sheep dude don't hurt my feelings right now dude you're the little i'm very

vulnerable the little yellow sheep no why am i watching why am i black sheep though because you're the outcast you're

the i'm not the outcast i'm very healthy did you lose some weight yeah i've been losing weight i look great you look no

coughing let's give it up for a whiteboard my breathing is better no coffee you just i've just had some of that double shot espresso i've been

hiking you literally have a [ __ ] red bull and a double shot espresso what does that mean what do you mean no coffee you're having so much caffeine

and tortillas no i said no coughing i said coffee why would i say no coffee

you [ __ ] ding-dong what do you mean no coughing i'm not coughing anymore i don't breathe as weird you know what i mean i should breathe heavy all right

let's let's test that theory yeah let me hear you just just nose into the mic let me hear you breathe calmly

but dude i mean you could hear me like you my face makes a lot of noise

it's crazy yeah when i like when i smile my eyes oh hey my

[Laughter] dude everyone's been asking where doc has been he's been sick for no [ __ ] four

months man did you die and come back bro you know what it was the cough is so

[ __ ] crazy with covey it's like it it keeps you locked down you can't [ __ ] talk you can't laugh so i was

like [ __ ] that when you always hit me up i'm like nah i can't do it man yeah but now are you regretful that you weren't

more mindful about protecting yourself nope going down

you had it twice twice i had it in 2020 and i thought i was going to get it last year but i meant i made it past the

delta and i was like okay i'm invincible then boom can we do a fan duel covered versus doc

and do a batting thing yeah dude yeah let's do that yeah fanduel you gained weight though huh no i lost weight um

what's your weight at right now i'm at 160. i was at 170. oh that's pretty good

what did you get down to you know bobby lost weight i'm 163. in rehab you lost weight you lost seven or eight pounds no

i was at one almost 80. no bro i was were you really yeah holy [ __ ] me too

man that's a connection well you know what you guys are the same height same size same size two little rolly polly

if you weren't two peas in a pod we'd be [ __ ] dude two rolly police

there roly-poly with him come on doc come on look at how sweet he looks yeah he looks good

come on doc he's really bullying i like him no yeah doc come on little rolly polly

if you want to stay on the show you got to rolly polly with him all right hello quickly i reversed that fine

judges came back oh can i also can i ask you something i don't know who i go i know you're trying to hide your [ __ ] i know you're trying to hide your friend

with the glasses but who's your friend right there oh that's a pimple

right there i have one right there dude i have one right here you know what this is from what [ __ ] masks i've been

traveling on airplanes flying across the country wearing masks i got i got acne underneath my [ __ ] eyeball and on my

nose again but he tried to sneak this me and he [ __ ] got one too because i'm gonna tell you where this

one came from where did we come from chappelle lacy it's a [ __ ] voodoo this is a [ __ ]

witch's workout oh [ __ ] it's a voodoo dude i like hung out with him there today [ __ ] he's doing this flips his

voodoo flips right yeah he does flips yeah he's just lit i don't like it dude he was a genius right or a cheerleader or something like

that yeah how do you feel about that you know it's different you know oh boy oh

boy i love it start a war no that you're gonna start one because when you see it in black like that i'm like linebacker

but you doing flips that's my department cause i'm 5'3 that's with the olympics right no oh what you're saying is is that if

they did an ocean's eleven you had that little chinese man yeah you know they put in a little vase and they snuck it

through the thing i don't know i don't know i haven't seen the movie but i know there's a little chinese man they put in a little vase and they stick into the

thing right you so what you're saying that if they did an ocean's eleven with all black people that's him right there

right you would be that guy there you go so if we did a heist we would need doc

because he would do the flip you could put him a little different thin out a little bit because i think you wouldn't fit in the face you'd fit in one of those bulbous vases where they

blow out the body right we need you to lose a little bit of weight before we get you in the face i was going to say uh because there's

this thing where bobby would know you wouldn't know tino but bobby would know there's like when you see somebody like

over six feet or six you know like big you don't get kind of like that's a waste right there you know what i'm

saying you don't ever be like i'm over six feet what the [ __ ] are you talking about what are you talking about i love

it though but keep doing it i love being me but i'm just saying though when you see somebody like chappelle you're like that's a waste of time right there

that's what you should be thinking like right now zion williams uh all right because you know what he's talking all

sorts of yeah yeah he's five seven dude he what the

[ __ ] are you talking about he's like six something no maybe six feet tall no no yeah call him

not picking up your call that's a big bobby that's a big mark bobby hates when people don't pick up his call

that's a big no no how do you pick up your phone call in mid flip

what if he's flipping right now you know hello

he's mid flip he's midfielder

just give him the phone just give him the phone so he's gonna get up and just throw it no just know you get the speaker phone okay come over here [ __ ]

oh no go ahead

what about how you're saying that he's waste his body he's wasting his body he's talking [ __ ] about [ __ ] about you

and how he's you're doing flips he doesn't like it

but right now man this is black on black crime at the time

right there let me say something to doc go ahead let's go step by step through your covet diagnosis and your what

happened uh who did you get it from from i was here

i mean we got you that chair on purpose i know you did this is fun it's kind of cool though i feel like i'm in my own

zone right now he's color coordinated look at the shoes looking sexy

did you just buy those shoes dude because they look brand new they are no no i've been here okay

so um what was the first symptom i'm sure it's simp different for little people like you so

what what happened i'm not sure what that means you know what that means i had uh

i had a running my nose started running little drippy nose little dripping see i like the way he carries yeah a

little bit of carrot go ahead and then a little sarcastic imagine how tiny his cough was

yeah yeah so i'm glad you're all a little team all right so now this little tiny lugs oh so small little tiny lugs

yeah yeah like those little poppable bubbles that come in a pocket he hacks he's like a little camera

[ __ ] drop

so i got that and then i got a tickle in my chest just like the first time little tickles like uh

yeah are they shaped with flintstones the character maybe a minion or whatever

yeah so what happened so when uh i uh you know because i work with amazon

right yes which is what well amazon is actually good about testing the people so they

allow you to be tested twice a week so that's how i i usually remember i was telling you i'd get you yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i had a kid at the crib and

i said my nose running it feels like i got covered again wait wait who's at the crib me

no you said you had a kid at the kid at the crib no i said i was at the crib y'all listening you said i had a kid i

had a crib i'll do it i'll do it you went i had a kid at the crib and i said my nose was running so who's this kid

that's in your house there's no kid in the crib [Laughter]

we have it on tape yeah and when you rewind i'm gonna be right and you guys owe me a photo did you guys

hear what he said what did he say he said i have a kid in the crib

yeah yeah all right so listen you had a little tickle tackle you had a little drip drop real talk

yeah and and then you also realized at some point when a kid was at the crib

there was no and you realized uh oh

black magic got aroma at some point black magic had their own at one point black magic right looked at

his nuts it started shrinking and then you realize your nuts were always always that size

no by the way do you know that corona you had it twice covid has been

proven scientifically certain cases have shrunken people's penises i swear to god i look it up right now

they've done they've done genital shrinking so you mean tell me i went from four to three now

can kovach your penis one man in the united states agree and close one man in the united states believes the virus

irreversibly shortened his manhood is he white he is white yeah

he's in denial that's what he is how funny he said that he's saying that to the girl he's dating he's like kovach

i had a huge penis before this or what if what if like he's not he's

everyone all every guy gets their dick strong but they're just so [ __ ] scared to say anything nobody wants he's

the first guy that's like you know i gotta say something finally the rest of that not fine i had covered but i guess i should have

measured my penis before any time you get yourself i think your dick is strong do you think so yeah anybody at home

can i see look at you no we don't do it you look at yourself you're not gonna see it right now what big shrunk

girlfriend once she used to do this i had a girlfriend where i never she never showed me her ass she hated her

ass why so every time she got out of the bed she held her ass like this what yeah she wanted you to see her butt she went

yeah was it bad so but one night though i was doing it from behind and i had the little

switch light switch and it looked and i regret turning it on

i turned it right off it was like flat like this oh it was a table feel it when you were having sex you

didn't understand it when you were having i don't think i was grabbing her hips she had white hips oh she would birth birth at your

birthing hips yeah yeah yeah so just slam her like this right but my hands were flat like this

yeah yeah yeah can i ask you a question have you ever had a buddy she scared you what was she asian

oh doc i just asked the question it is still black history month to be fair we gotta let him get away is it is

it it is i just asked a question she was white okay but white women

are plagued with that same thing sometimes flat butt sometimes a lot of people play with flat butt dizzy i think fancy has a flat butt

i do yeah yeah i don't have no cheeks you you don't have you have a flat button yeah i have k you turn around

real quick i got a lot of cake can you turn around real quick oh no did this guy

do it he's so rude he's so rude i love him yeah yeah i love it so code would [ __ ] with your mind too

so go ahead so what else happened so uh i took the test and i on a sunday

i mailed it in on a monday and i got sick then tuesday i started coughing and then

they sent me a message in my email saying you got covered i'm like yeah i [ __ ] know now i'm [ __ ] sick like you know i already knew and that's what

happened the boy got sick like that and you were at the house did you leave the house when you still had symptoms no

doc went to a grocery shop yeah i know he was the grocery store man why are you going mad because i can tell i knew you

know he goes to the store when he gets sick yeah i go i went to cvs

and it went because i didn't have no cold medicine already it's just because i wanted more but you could have just gotten it delivered don't you work for

amazon

you have access to the warehouse everything right so can't you go to the vitamin c aisle and the zoo i don't work

like that don't call me a playboy what the [ __ ] happened to you dude dude

don't know google it yeah i just want to do it can i just throw on 80s you're allowed to yeah thank you

so you you went to cvs where else did you go while you were sick i know you went to multiple places don't front on me i know you went to a few spots go

ahead what would you do you went to the liquor store did you know i don't want to pay the money yeah you know where are you going before you give her anything you went to

the liquor store be honest whiskey no no no drinking while i'm sick

[ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [Music]

when he wiggles out in that chair yeah it's it's like when i put my dog on its back and she's trying to get back

when god created you he said to all his people right i'm gonna take my time with this one

yeah i want to spend a day on this one go to the kids go to the kids drawer

you got the legs right right go to the mythological sections right they've got golems the stomach

all right right you didn't eat that the dwarf the dwarf

[Laughter]

right so you were supposed to be six eight yeah yeah that was god's plan yeah yeah but he knew that i could handle being

five three he still could be sexy i'm a senator you know what heavy props on that he knew you could handle it yeah

did you see did you see um genius did you watch kanye west documentary no did you they just call it genius it's

called gene yes j-j-e-n where is that playing can we talk about it when i watch it yeah that's fine it's

on netflix i like to watch it when it's out i gotta tell you dude what where's the room god i love this dude because

he's nuts dude i love him he's nuts it's awesome he's like you well it's the same

way i like you i love you because you're [ __ ] crazy no i'm not bro

normal guy wouldn't do that all right say it again then you're [ __ ] crazy you're an absolute psychopath nut bag as

[ __ ] so what is the meaning of it all why are you crazy no why are you saying this because look at you i'm not dude

you're a [ __ ] nutty guy i'm not a nutcase i'm not the way you laugh

that's just the way i [ __ ] express my joy it is and i love my joy and first of all i am not crazy i'm misunderstood

correct you know what also i hate when people say i've heard producers say we love bot he's eccentric

eccentric what does that mean it means you're [ __ ] crazy [Laughter]

but i don't like it because then you know when you grow up google eccentric then you'll see like dolly

salvador dallas yeah photo of daley you're a [ __ ] genius with an eagle all right let's see what eccentric means go to eccentric and what does that mean

let's see what definitely why do you say dali it's dolly

yeah if you're spanish pete pizza in america how do we say it pete what do we say i say dolly yeah

dolly salvador no you said dally like i did the dolly yeah dolly but look at who

you're amongst of the eccentric people einstein a genius that's cool

that's cool a genius that's cool that lady

okay where's pee wee herman he should be on that list why because did i get y'all got the same quirky weird-ass [ __ ] you

are kind of close to pee-wee yeah paul

but i could see you doing it yeah no i wouldn't but first of

have you ever jacked off outside of your home in my hotel rooms outside of a hotel room comedy club

oh my god outside of a comedy club work like when i was a restaurant i

jerked off in the bathroom okay every time ever yeah what are you blowing away blown away

okay lunch break yeah i'm slammed right and then i see a hot girl come in and i go i gotta go you know and i jerk off

how about at your trailer when you're on set at the one time i say one time go ahead one time

one time i literally thought i was going to be banned from show business because i was i was you know

i was when i was on splitting up together i was in warner brothers lot yeah and i had a night shoot

right and then i had an early call so i said can i just sleep here right you wanted to sleep in the trailer

so i did no i didn't have a trailer i had a dressing room oh right it was just left on the lot it

was physically in a building in a building and yeah i had a shower i heard my name on the thing right so um

so late at night i was on my couch and i was you know the bed couch and i was going on you know their wi-fi

right and i was looking up like my weird porn right and then the next day i was telling one of the actors i go

yeah he was checking off the weird portal last night on my he goes you locked in the wi-fi and they go yeah he goes warner brothers

has that record now man they track all of them and they try i was gonna say no but that's not true

yes it is no after the sony league no i googled no

i googled it there's no way and i also went to the oh you think i went to the cyber unit and i go the cyber unit

imagine imagine you walk in he's in the side this guy's having help

yeah yeah ship station oh my god i love ship station i'll tell you the reason why

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shipping come on [ __ ] more and less time with ship station just go to shipstation.com click on the microphone on the top of the page and type in bad

friends shipstation.com make ship happen better help oh my god um andrew during

the pandemic and now even after going into rehab i use better help because i need therapy every once a week you do you

need therapy we all need it i love better help relationships take work andrew i don't know if you know that a lot of us will drop anything to go help

someone we care about right we'll go out of our way to treat other people well but how often do we give

ourselves the same treatment not often not often i go out of my way to help you out and i don't get enough help myself

so this month better help is online therapy they want to remind you to take care of your most important relationship the one you have with yourself whether

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betterhelp.com bad friends that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p dot com slash back friends this podcast

is sponsored by better help online therapy i'm i'm 27 days of no porn

we kick the habit raise your hand in this room let's talk to the dorks in the window yeah you guys

have never signed up for porno sites never never because why because it's free for

free yeah it's insane to think you guys would do that do you notice that the three guys

that are saying wait like free or what you got it exactly first of all andres

is not one of those let's just say occasion can i say we're not looking at we're not seeing this color of your skin yes you were no

oblique weak

you're cheap and you're weak and you justify different things yeah you're the kind of guy right cheap yeah

you're just kind of going to go to mendocino performs and guys you know what reuben's sandwich is a little too pricey

oh i don't pay for my food that's who you are you know what what not all of us are privileged and came from wealth like

you oh that's funny we're not all jack harlow we don't all come from man oh that's hilarious

no you come from upper middle class no white suburbia i've seen the photos first of all it's a mineral i see you

with a baseball bat it's brand new the [ __ ] that we had to [ __ ] dance because of our skulls you're from the

most affluent part of san diego you're from rich boy san diego i'm from the ghettos chula vista yes i am right by

the border dude how many bedrooms are in your house how many bedrooms are in your house as a kid

let me count i have a couch i have to count how many bathrooms is what i want let me count

one bathrooms one two we had four bathrooms yeah what the [ __ ] thank you and then wait wait how many um detroit

they had one in the whole city how many bedrooms i have one two three four bedrooms okay four beds four baths

what's the problem that's upper class but yes but you don't know what the building looked like yes i do i've seen

photos of your house that you grew up in we put it on the show it's beautiful yeah it's beautiful wow

how many bathrooms did you have as a kid it depends on if uh who i was staying with you know

when you were with a lollipop gang did you guys all share one bathroom why did you laugh it was good

time out when you grew up as a kid how many bathrooms did you have in your home we had uh

two that seems reasonable we had it because we stayed in the family two family flat

yeah like two flat yeah two flats yeah a two family yeah so how many people lived in the two bedroom flat

one two three four five six six six

wait six in total or six and one flat six and one flat that's a lot

so you're two flats i mean two in total my bad oh so three four bedrooms yeah two or six people

do you slept with somebody

dude i get it i know where you're going two things one putting a knife behind his head really bad idea

insane he's going to kill himself two it's insane that we put that right by yeah and two

san diego makes perfect sense now san diego dude remember when we were in san

diego in the hotel room and he told the story about his gay uncle yep his karate kid his karate see oh my

god i'm so sorry dude you're a victim you're a victim you're a victim you're a victim i'm so sorry well you know hold

up hold up yeah yeah first of all that's a different uncle it doesn't matter

how first of all how are we supposed i don't think by the way i don't believe it i don't believe it

all know you are the gay one i have uncle as far at three day openers you have three uncles and a gay cousin and which of the uncles

that you slept with in your if he has three uncles they're one of them slept in this room okay so the karate incident was

with my uncle on my father's side right the other one is on my mother's side all right so the uncle

that was on your mother's side that slept in the same room as you was he gay yeah okay but he also was iran's son

what the [ __ ] you're gonna say he was mentally challenged i didn't want to put it on damn put you guys [ __ ] ass

you had a gay mentally handicapped uncle that you slept with in the room in the bed yeah wait a second the same bed ah it's my

uncle it what you do it's cultural we're not

making fun of your culture dude we're around the same age wait wait he's the same age your uncle's the same age he's two three years older

than me marco turtle same size please stop

who was the big spoon oh you were the you were the little spoon no one wouldn't have no idea did you only go butt to butt you never ever spooned yeah

always every night do you think the real ones do it you know let me ask you a question go ahead

obviously when you're sleeping you have no control of what you're doing with your body and whatnot right right have you ever woken up and you were face to

face with your uncle never bro not one time no

i doubt it that's impossible doc that's impossible your heart is in your heart i

know what i went through okay i know tell us what you went through it's not your fault

you can't tell me it's not one night you didn't you one night you didn't wake up and you guys were wrapped all over each other because it was cold because he was

you know he wasn't he wasn't into sucking dick man he was a little bit he was on the cusp

you know i'm saying i was right wait wait he did he what kind of uh what do you mean like it's not like he had autism

i don't know what he had cuz you know back in the 80s you didn't get diagnosed you just walked around and you were just

held back yeah they didn't have autism wasn't a big thing in the 80s

everybody know that so it was he was just walking around on diamond notes what the [ __ ]

he was held back in elementary with me where he should have been in middle school when i was in and we're not making fun of that we're not making fun

of him [Music] is he still alive

no he died oh [ __ ] what the [ __ ] how did

he was killed by a gay serial killer see yes

see you [ __ ] ass hold the phone your

uncle was murdered yes by a guy who was injured who was a case no he wasn't he was

killing gay people yeah because he was getting obviously yeah i think the serial killer was just remember he was i want to kill if it's a

gay guy yeah that would have been

so what you're saying is you there was a serial killer who only killed a gay guy because he wasn't gay yes he was i don't

know they never caught can we can we be like can we be logical adults if there's a guy who's a serial killer that only

kills gay men he's obviously gay and repressed and fighting some sort of [ __ ] societal feelings and he's like

mike pence what's the word for that fellas like my pants like my pants what's the word for that yeah yeah what's the word for repression

because i i honestly believe now my theory well first of all you wouldn't roly-poly at the beginning of the show

because bobby always go to the you know no but i think [Laughter]

i think you exude this this this mask right that i'm just masculine right

playboy tough guy tough guy that you know me funny guy this and that right but i think you're hiding

something first of all i think it's hereditary mm-hmm it is yeah both of his bloodlines have both a lot of people

bloodlines have it right interesting you have this false like this weird like that's not even authentic are you an

uncle no no brothers and sisters that's right that's right so you know i just think

that you know my theory is i'm not gonna say it that's it that you might be

let's let's say it on the count of three yeah all right one two three

[Laughter] yeah first of all let's take a stance on the show as bad friends we don't we

support all people we do of all genders and colors and creeds we love all that [ __ ] that being said

i don't believe for a second that you didn't have some sort of experience like you told us in

san diego with the uncle that you slept with in a bed bro this ain't christianity it's not about what you believe it's real

it's just what does that mean it means that you can't believe this just is right yeah it is it

happened it it did diz his happiness it's like this it's like you know sometimes you're lying to us it's like a

kid who's addicted to crack right he's he finds himself in a crack house right right and the parents come in what are

you doing i'm not smoking crack i'm sure right and you're not sure right you know i mean i think that's what i'm

sensing correct so you replace the crack pipe with a dick correct yes

can you give me something okay i'm almost there all right

let's go back okay your uncle was murdered he was murdered holy [ __ ] that's i'm so sorry i mean

that's insane i'm so sorry when that happened it was 96. did they catch this man so you were

48. they never caught the man and that's what they were that's why the police said that there was a guy going around shooting and killing what

oh my god oh [ __ ] i know

[Music] [Laughter]

is that are your other gay uncles alive

you killed all your gay uncles well if you really well one of my uncle just passed away a couple days house how

we don't know oh

you what they just called me uh-huh two days ago three days ago and said he died

nobody knows and we have to wait till homicide come in just make sure that he just died that's

it okay whatever that's all the

yeah because you're this little gay man and you're so just just hearing me out my theory

can you see right there i'm listening right right right you [ __ ] call me a centric and a psychopath that guy called

you citric that i called you a psychopath two different things

[Laughter] so um yeah you're protecting the family

yeah right and you just it's not you you felt some shame right you

grabbed a knife like that or whatever sign it however you work you know i mean you took out one of your uncles right

the one that was like mentally right you said yeah yeah listen which you don't even know what he had okay you don't still

never know yeah he's probably just like sleep apnea he just thinks that's something more yeah

a little bit slower than that i used to fight for that dude so much man but go ahead you got into fights because people would make fun of bro

make fun of them they used to [ __ ] man i've hit people with sticks bricks i mean little dude and i had to fight

these big dudes because they would talk [ __ ] that talk [ __ ] they would like beat him up and he would come to me because i was the only one there and then i would

be like man um so i would go [ __ ] and hey i've always loved you so much i love you

man oh yeah you don't need no you don't need to bare hands just weapons go sit down actually you know what

get the [ __ ] out of here get the [ __ ] out you're an hour late get the [ __ ] out now

sit down come on here you're [ __ ] asking sit your [ __ ] ass down yeah yeah

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we missed you so much she what she got sick yeah i hated it yeah it was bad wasn't it yeah who gave it to you

put the mic closer to your mouth i can't believe we're even doing this so all these may i say something

so while me and kalyala i was in rehab yeah remember so when i was when i remember when i was in rehab yeah and uh

was in hawaii yeah you decide to go hmm let me go to a dorm party

right and you went to a dorm party right and then you got covet which means did you have your mask on during the cove

the covert party that you went to no so she walks into our studio right a bunch of vaccinated people and people

have had covet with a mascot but she goes to a dorm party without a [ __ ] mascot because the

peer pressure everyone's not wearing a mask and if i wear a mask i'm the one

that's the weirdo right but that's why i don't wear a mask when you guys tell me wear a mess because i don't want to look like a weirdo correct when i go to the

comedy clubs no one's wearing a [ __ ] mask that's why you don't [ __ ] wear a mask yeah that's right she had on the mask at master roles when we went to go

eat i know she'll go there and wear a [ __ ] ass but i'm not at a [ __ ] dorm party do you know why she wants to

get [ __ ] hey i don't want to hear it i'm tired of your dick rolling man stop

it you better not be getting [ __ ] down why'd you go there again why'd you go there because i wanted to meet some

friends you better not be getting [ __ ] out yeah i'm going to be pissed dude if you're getting if you're catching dee's

at dorm parties i'm going to be living what makes me upset she never got any deeds you didn't even get

no it's not worth it not right no you got sick i'm happy that

you're okay we were concerned how are you feeling now i'm better yeah yeah yeah i feel like he had it too twice

twice yeah i got it twice yeah that's what i'm talking about he doesn't want to talk

wait a minute what were your symptoms did you lose your taste and smell no i just had cough sore throat chills or any nose

yeah what did you do for you you bought me some medicine yeah

and i feel like just just could i just throw this out there i feel like if i was sick you wouldn't do the same i

couldn't agree more it would no you wouldn't i would no

can you put it in your mouth thank you thank you andrew i apologize no i love you i apologize so wait a minute he tito

bobby as usual took care was the man of the house took care of you and did you say thank you

yeah i said thank you but did you give him like a thank you card thank you for taking care of me tito no no i thought you would just say thank you no when you

came back upstairs though and i asked for a hug what'd you do i declined yeah

because i still don't want any germs giving it i don't want it to be with you

wait a minute i don't think that shut up from your little niece that you took care of she's been sick for two weeks

i just wanted a hug i didn't see him so you got out of rehab you're emotionally wrecked not just emotionally right i am

vulnerable you're vulnerable you're emotional and i want to connect with other human beings and and someone

is somebody i thought that i view as a daughter and somebody that i view i i would do anything for anything i just

wanted some physical contact like a brief you know it was first of all when we hug it's never just

it's side to side even she won't even she won't even fist bump me or do a little arm thing what's up with that

because he doesn't like hugs he doesn't you actually don't like hugs but he was vulnerable

but he was vulnerable that's absolutely well he hugs me i hug you you hug me but that guy i hug

you tackles me you hug me i hug you but you don't hug her i want to hug her but she does oh this she doesn't want to hug

me this is what it is that's why no but you don't like hugs i love he does yes he does he loves you

i'm addicted to hugs baby i [ __ ] drool i got a crazy eye for drugs especially now that i had no have

no drugs no porn nothing i [ __ ]

[Laughter]

stand up i'll give you my huge demonstrations

you want another hug no i'm just gonna give you i'm not i'm not hugging i'm seeing you hug demonstrations of how i

hug and i need a [ __ ] mannequin you're the only one my size i'm not a guy i'm a human being that's what that's i

know i i i don't know put the what put the goddamn clock on you know okay here we go here we go

well he'll only do things for a minute because he feels like they might be you know all right here we go he wants a minute

he'll only do a minute oh he's i gotta pray to god for duty always praising god before this guy so

this is my hug if i haven't seen you i barely know you're an acquaintance but you know like we're you know

so this is somebody that like you know with kids yeah or like anyone in high school or early twenties i don't wanna

you know i mean so yeah like i go what's up hey no i'll go like this

right and then with comic guys i'm good friends with like you right i'll go i'll go like i'll do a hand thing and i will

do chest to chest like this of course

he can't believe it he can't believe he sees you it's you you're here i can't believe you're in my space it's

incredible he needs to show you his love yeah yeah and then i think of like um

just our history man yeah history and yeah we're the same size right

and um i also sense just a little bit of you know bisexuality

yeah a little bit a little bit a little dark

i have to look at the body

[Music]

[Laughter]

i feel like i've seen those kind of hugs all over the place those are normal hugs yeah in prison no no

doc when your uncle said that you were violent let him get medicine

it's the silliest it's going to make a lot of noise and i

was like perfect he's like it's going to be kind of hard to get in and out of and that's why i was like this is going to be perfect for

doc do your feet hit the ground yeah all right real man over here all right we could get a higher chair don't [ __ ]

no don't push it buddy you know what you know what that's it

that's it that's it fancy yeah that chair becomes rudy's chair the pink chair order a higher chair where his

little legs don't touch the ground please please it's over here you're talking that [ __ ]

you're gonna look like a fool if you want your boy back don't do that

okay all right i just wanna can i just say this though um i want us to be real more more of a real

thing let's do something real i want to do something real we've been real on this part no we're being funny and we're joking

joking around i want to say that you know doc

uh i want to apologize to you because over the years i think i've um

i've kind of used you like a toy [Music]

you're being real i'm trying to be real dude can i say well can i say what i think you really looked at me ass what

you know on pornhub

man come on can i talk all right you know how they like to have that like plastic butt plug ears you know how to have a plastic butt and the dude is

banging a plastic butt you mean like a fake butt like a like a sex doll a sex doll yeah it's not a doll it's

just the butt right it's a piece of the dog yeah cause he always liked the black hole so that's what i yeah there you go

you're wearing this you lost me you completely lost you lost me yeah so you had me at sex doll and

then yeah yeah no no you lost me you know how i feel you click on it and you think it's like

he's smashing a person and then it's actually a uh plastic butt you know let me ask you this how long do you watch

that video before you go to the next video not your goddamn business no i don't remember who stays out here

yeah that's all i need is deal this is what he's talking about the behind yeah yeah okay so that reminds me of peace yeah you can't

put that on you know what's so funny pete just wanted to look at that while we were looking yeah he doesn't realize he's still good

i've been to the porn store like at like the hustler store and i thought about buying that it's so heavy it's so heavy

and it's like i don't want to walk out you know be with this gigantic [ __ ]

thing where would you store it from kalila where would you hide it in your car in my [ __ ] bowling bag

probably i don't have a bowling bag i'll get one you have to buy it like did you start playing

i gotta go to the garage but um i've always also wanted to like i've

gone to the real dog doll oh yeah and seeing like how much they cost how much are they

well for the last time i checked like 8 500 what for a real doll a real sex doll

real dog that's called they're called real dolls and they're like i think they go for 10 grand 15 grand you're [ __ ]

they're beautiful though real dollars like a real dog you know like a [ __ ]

fleshlight is like a hundred bucks look what a real dog looks like dude realistic sex doll by adult female dogs

do they have real dull men yeah they do like that men too there's a document on youtube there are men in the world and they marry them i've

seen this game yeah they marry them yes i've seen a guy they have a guy weddings and the and the parents are always like upset

almost like don't put olivia on your vision board i mean it's insane

it's like a poorly written sitcom when he pops in oh my god that didn't work oh my god fancy

go to youtube and search up guy mary's sex doll because this guy it was so sad his family disowned this dude you're

thinking about the same guy the indian guy i can't live without my real doll see you have dinner together

little kissy kiss yeah originally when i first got her i called her my synthetic i know but you

know what they have to do but can you imagine yeah what if she what if she left him one day

before they get married and she goes i don't i don't i don't right but you know what he has to do

every year he has to take the vagina out and send it back to realdoll the company

so they can clean it out and fix it oh my right imagine that guy the guy who

cleans and they're like you're starting at vagina cleaning

and then you're just like they don't say that they say they said returns and exchanges that was the department

you're in returns and exchanges yeah but here's the problem no no because you know what let this guy

be free he's not hurting anybody he's not harming anybody good for this guy here's the real issue

he's never going to treat a woman like a human from now on this is this weird slippery slope now

every woman is going to be bro a real doll bro if he could get rid of him

he might not no he can't you think that guy's never slept with a woman before if you watch the documentary they even say

like i try to date women like it's southern they're southern from them yeah come to me

but they don't like me i asked olivia down the street she said no i'm just saying

it seems to me like it's healthy at some point for him to just have sex toys but sex dolls seem to be like

you might this is how you turn into yeah i know you know that's how you turn

into yeah someone that who yeah dude i'm trying to me right now the one that

kills everybody if we bought you a sex doll like a real doll i wouldn't [ __ ] it i

know just if we bought one would you throw it away yeah five thousand dollars i don't give a [ __ ] how much it cause i'm throwing a dollar away [ __ ] you

[ __ ] you hey [ __ ] you you wouldn't throw that you know what we're buying one we're buying that friend's gonna buy you a sex doll you know what i'm gonna do

yeah i don't know what kind of time what kind of genitals do you want on it

don't you laugh at your uncle he's a goddamn ass okay his [ __ ] what do you mean we're kind of gentle i don't know

you know i was regular old woman [ __ ] no but i mean you know what do you want shaving

you want balls beefy here's the thing i don't want beefy i'm not a big dude here's the thing yeah

i'm not into shape not like whatever you got i'll take it but if you don't mind that [ __ ] could be going down

all the way to the kneecaps and i'm like whoa look at rudy's face by the way people sometimes go oh how do you talk about that in front of rudy rudy's the

one going to dorm parties to catch some [ __ ] dick on the side i won't i want to follow her right let me tell you

something rudy is also 20 almost 21. yeah it's she's a woman she's a full-grown woman and let me tell you

something if i [ __ ] find out that you went to that dorm party and caught ronan just to get some d and i found out who the dude

is and that you got the d from we're blowing up his spot he's [ __ ] he's ripping deep [ __ ] we're dripping that guy we're ripping

him what's your favorite song yeah yeah whoa

baby i need to know yeah sometimes i think we shouldn't have him on the show

sometimes i'm like what is he doing on the shelf sometime i watch him i go what are you doing the way his brain fires

yeah yeah it's incredible no thank you keep going be you okay so some of the game might not have

rubbed off from your own but some of the other stuff what'd you think of the super bowl

halftime show oh dude honestly everything loved every single second of it i got goosebumps it was incredible it

was incredible people [ __ ] on it it was great i loved it what do you mean i think that was the greatest halftime

of ever no i thought this was great whitney you know houston was there was a lot of good ones great great michael

jackson's michael jackson with the guy popping up man come on i know but still that one was a great one it was just

that kind of cause it was los angeles it was la based or something that's what i loved about it it's a good representation

eminem that was weird are you a hater no bro he's from detroit that's why yeah because look dre is from compton

snoop is from long beach kendrick is from compton it's just weird to also then have eminem what about 50 cent

50 cents from new york there we go but he gets a package but you also are new york bound as i just no i just i'm just

saying a new 50 cent i mean i don't know him hanging upside down like a bat was very weird

that i didn't understand yeah i didn't understand either what the [ __ ] yeah but you know was that his idea

i'm sure yeah because who date somebody director you saw in a club video in the club he was upside down yeah oh really yeah in

the video there could have been an argument though no i don't want to do that but you did it at the club no i'm not trying

but he obviously said yes because they hung him up upside down right it's not it's not like they were like okay 50 upside down you go yeah and

they told him on the day he knew they they rehearsed this it was a callback and then eminem took a

knee it was wild he like took a knee in the middle of the yeah i liked it i did not

get up and [ __ ] sing what are you doing he finished i know but get up and [ __ ] do it do the thing no he

finished the song and then dre went back to the piano and he just stay he stood yeah right there i didn't like it okay

what are you doing get up what the [ __ ] are you doing he's just trying to make a statement this is another white guy laying down on the job yeah well he

makes all the black men do the work behind you you know it would be great in the new batman am i right or am i right or my right would be great

and they all look like 50 cent imagine like a thousand 50 cent bats

backwards yeah and you know he has this little mechanism and the bats fly it's pretty dope dude it'd be dope bro by the

way how bad am i not gonna see the new batman you're not gonna see it robert pattinson how the [ __ ] are you gonna sell me on

that guy bro how the [ __ ] are you gonna sell me i'm gonna tell you on robert pattinson bro i hated the guy until i

saw him in one movie i don't hate him he's not [ __ ] batman he is he's not a batman if you see him in the lighthouse

i never seen him in the lighthouse with willem dafoe he's a [ __ ] masterful actor i'm not saying he's not

a good actor you're missing the point he's not a batman there is a you have to be a kind of man

to be a batman not batman that is not batman that's a [ __ ] light that is that's a

tim burton character tim barton did batman i [ __ ] [ __ ] i know god damn it

god damn it let me tell you something go back to what robert benson looks on batman go ahead go in batman yeah the suit makes

anybody look sick but him without the mask him without the mask looks like that

yeah no thanks yes that's not batman it's about heroin chic that's that's emo batman

now you now you're dude this is like batman who cares about this is basically batman for your generation

this is a millennial this is for the millennials i am a [ __ ] millennial what's before that yes i don't know

what's next what is she what are you gen z jen see this for the gen z's do you want to watch his back stop pulling the

mic away from your face yeah he's hot and i think he looks good oh [ __ ]

these kids don't know that's what i'm saying that's why they're doing it what about zoey kravitz you like her as catwoman yeah that's fine i don't mind

her catwoman can be anybody batman is a certain kind of guy yeah

who would you prefer it like who who of the actors right now could do a dope batman yeah let me think let me there's

a good this is a good one michael b jordan

no it's time for a black a black man a black batman he's too hot

you just said robert and that's the only reason why you wanted to see it you said he's hot batman needs to be not that hot but also

not that ugly you know what it's a remarkably valid

point i know she is right because every batman has been kind of hot but kind of like whatever yeah well

alec baldwin he was uh never batman he's never baptized god damn it what's

this is what's the second one [Laughter] michael keaton the original real talk

okay what's the third one there don't do this man why would y'all be like that yeah order

what's the third one key named the most famous that's arguable he was the original but who's

the most in the more recent franchises what he's talking about yeah oh all right i can't lie to you i don't know are you

[ __ ] serious [ __ ] crazy did you never see the dark knight yeah who is that

ben affleck flick flex why would y'all do this to me

you're fine we're not shaming you yeah yeah yeah yeah who plays joker in the dark knight

do you know who the batman was in the dark knight i forgot his name [ __ ] off you guys are dog [ __ ] christian

bale yes oh [ __ ] oh easy how did you not know that matthew

mcconaughey chris bale comes remarkably differently one's from england what i mean matthew

mcconaughey and christian bale do you think those guys are close not look you know kind of the way they act but can i

say something no can i say that by christian bale and i want everyone to listen to me right now when he was a kid he did a movie what

was it called he did a steven spielberg movie and he was the star of it and he must have been 14 12 to 14 years old he

was the lead it was called empire of the sun oh i know this love that movie

14 he was he was amazing in that [ __ ] movie and that's when you first saw him watch christian bale in a look at how

cute he is yeah and one of the lines of the movie is i learned a new word today

that's the holy [ __ ] thing but he's so good in that and that's the most underrated steven spielberg movie i

believe what's the most overrated e.t you didn't like e.t

when you're watching it's a little weird does that hurt your feelings doc e.t is like

the way you said that he was like oh man cuz man like i cried on e.t man that [ __ ] no it's a

good movie i'm just saying comparatively speaking to close encounters

close encounters space movies no steven spielberg movies

[ __ ] [ __ ] he directed both of them yeah but then what that's not the same close encounter

is more based on listen to what i'm saying doc all right out of all the steven spielberg movies

e.t isn't one of my favorites right i like empire to the sun i think that close encounters jaws is amazing i just

rewatched that jaws is so great yeah um i like christina is one of your favorites christine

savin private ryan amazing all right so that's all i'm saying okay

most overrated fancy spielberg movie i don't know i don't think he has many overrated movies the ones that he he

doesn't do well like people [ __ ] on them all the time like what like warhorse or like the bfg or what was wrong with the

bfg nothing it's okay like tintin i think he he had a problem

with editing like a.i was way too long yeah well i didn't need to see the little robot boy in the middle of the

ocean i did like that why i don't know it was so sad so sad i think i like sometimes

it just ripped my heart out a little bit it ripped my heart off i like that sometimes in movies i like that movie though i want to be shredded a little

bit yeah a little bit you know i saw you know i've been watching brian de palma movies yeah what

have you watched and some of them are don't hold up you the oh you think you liked them when you were young the untouchables it

doesn't hold up i mean on top is great there's so many weird lines in there

that kevin costner says he i don't believe it when he's angry really yeah come on guys no what do you

believe kevin costner has the postman i don't know

quieter quieter quieter wider yeah i'm not saying he's a bad actor but um what else would we say someone who doesn't

give a [ __ ] about golf did you ever like tin cup i don't i refuse to watch myself

do you guys know tin cup it's like one of the best movies like the magical one where will smith plays a magical one i

don't see that that's bagger i don't do i don't do any magical black people tin cup

let's get some let's get some worth out of you now that you've come in so late what were you late for school what kind of school

i was in school physically doing um biology lab

dale yeah no don't don't don't don't please don't slap that

you're condoning just absurd behavior something his stuff that his gay uncle would do

[Laughter] rudy you were doing biology lab at home no in school

in class you were physically in school now wow yeah and she was like i'm not going to make it to 45 wait where's your

school at northridge your cal state northridge yeah you have push it down if you're going to try it if let's say you

try to move the mic there you go um big girl big girl can go to dorm party get sick

yeah talk about the dorm party i want to know what happened there it was so boring why is it pointing okay you show

up what are you showing here

what does it say doc you have to speak into the mic because we're on a show there's no secrets man what does it say

rudy he gotta be in biology that's what i'm talking about in high school

high school don't don't don't say anything all right just let that sit man we're just trying to

connect just i want you to take a second because i know you're gonna almost kill him yeah and that's what i felt like i know so

let's just take a second and not physically gets hard for me it's so hard it's so hard so you gotta be so you

interrupted you got it you gotta be you interrupted to get a b to tell her you gotta be in biology that's that's for the hood right

there no no no no you know

now tell me in what part of your current life are you

employing this uh biology that you learned in high school not a god damn okay so shut the [ __ ] up

tell us about biology then goddamn haters biology yeah yeah the thing you just did

what did you do today no i'm gonna tell you about the dorm party

was there biology going on there there was some kissing so yeah

yeah exchanges you weren't kissing anybody no you swear to god i promise no say you swear to god i swear to god

to my mom that i wasn't kissing that i wasn't kissing anyone did you hook up

with anybody no did you get anyone's number a girl a friend as a girl to be a friend yeah

let me ask can i ask you another thing that i've always wanted to ask you right and this is fine this is fine i'm going

to be very gentle about it go ahead what what don't do this you know um

let it rip i am so are you heterosexual

i can't i think i can be bi you think you both you could be or you are

you think you might be might be because you like girls yeah this girl number that you get did she did you like her

yeah but as a friend only not attractive but there are girls that you go oh i'd like to hang out with them in that way

okay can i tell my party all right go ahead he's not allowed to ask a question yeah go ahead

you're just like your uncle tito so it's the same oh you're saying that i interrupt no

that you're bisexual

when you're going down a road right you see an accent you have to go this way right so um

i don't know what that means listen to me man oh you think i'm bisexual yeah a little bit and why

because yeah you know yeah i like to wrestle with dudes all right well i didn't kill my gay con

and i didn't poison my uncle for two days ago so i'm not a murderer okay so shut your [ __ ] mouth all right okay i'm wrong

go ahead watch your ted bundy yeah go ahead talk about the dorm party okay

so there were only like 15 people in the dorm and it was so tight and it was so

hot and then most of them were like couples so they were like just dancing like

grinding and kissing each other and then there were only three people like me

my friend and another friend was just on the side just watching them oh okay that's when you [ __ ] leave

not stay and get corona i don't walk into a room people grinding and there's no available get the [ __ ] up get

the [ __ ] out of there that's why we left and then i met another group of friends and then we smoked weed and that's why i

got corona you got corona cause you smoked drugs

drugs you know this bad friend show we don't we do not support drug use of any kind

it was just a little bit i don't give a [ __ ] [ __ ] how much it was young lady yeah you are not giving me the drugs i

gave you right all right because you still have the drugs i gave you yeah i just got mushrooms this weekend by the way

i'm so excited oh in oregon there's a woman there why do you illegal in california you could have done that a month ago

when i was using i didn't want to use with you bud i have but that was my one of my last ones i want to do mushrooms i know and i

don't know i kept asking i called aries can you get me mushrooms no he's like i'm in new york

oh [ __ ] dog what am i gonna do i didn't want to use with you

you know what it [ __ ] hurts me dude when we had when you were in mexico and you were getting sauced up i give

you a joint yeah you took it and you gave it to donnell rollins that's exactly correct and then dal ralph ryan went oh man this

is the best joint i've ever came up on stage like that [ __ ] was fireside donald smoked the whole drone to himself

on stage just like he did funny fire shot

yeah in mexico we did drink together no you drank when i didn't want you to i was

having a drink at dinner and fancy me was getting [ __ ] wasted no no one didn't know we were at no one time i said this no it's not true it's not true

you were getting worried we walked into that bar in the center of the thing right and i go yeah you're like i'm

gonna go get a drink and you would do stuff like i'm just gonna get like a seltzer water i did no and i would be

the one time i go no that's [ __ ] i know what you're getting get me what you're getting and you got me what you got and there was alcohol in it so you

dig that's not a true that's what was true if fancy knows that's a [ __ ] lie first of all first of all fancy nose in

fact we talked about it yeah i gave you a drink that would had no booze inside of it you guys are gaslighting me

no we were protecting you as well we did the right thing i know but what i'm saying though is like listen i'm sober now i have what's

today's wednesday today's wednesday i have 30 days today don't please

today okay but i still think in my head i'm like

you know when i was out there using i always knew soon right that i was going to

get to a point where it's going to be like i can't do this anymore uh-huh right so in those times when i'm using i

would just like my friends to be around and i'm there to support you it was so not fun it was like hanging

out with my parents i am like hanging out no no it was like don't go there i'm following you around

like you guys follow me around everywhere sorry we're being friends it's similar to the podcast well go ahead what do you mean meaning

like he's like your parent on a podcast he kind of shut your [ __ ] down cause you're [ __ ] wild

are you even [ __ ] saying it i am papa this is a 50 50 thing dude oh

it's crazy

uncles time out let's go back okay went to the stupid [ __ ] dorm party and everybody was dancing and you stayed for

how long i stayed for like 20 minutes because there was alcohol

did you drink just a little bit how much like this what do you mean

a bunch of liquor what kind of booze can i say something to you but i only drink when there's a party when you say there's a little right i don't think

that's the true number it's just a little okay be careful i know well don't ever do this what's that pop up pimple

no no yeah don't ever tap your finger on your nose okay ever no don't ever never do cocaine

did you have you ever been offered cocaine at a party nobody has offered you cocaine at a party in los angeles no

never she doesn't go to park [ __ ] loser nerd can i say things i invite her to

like [ __ ] yeah like i'm going to this thing dope [ __ ] dope [ __ ] she won't go i don't want to go loser yeah loser you

[ __ ] loser dude really offered cocaine don't do it but you say i i

can't do it you don't do it you can just get it but you can't step it up

no don't do it don't do it please have you tried none of your business buddy have you

done it no cocaine never you smoke crack never meth

no you're going the other way oh yeah yeah oh i think methods like pot anyway um

no you know so you've only done hallucinogenics weed and alcohol hallucinogenics uh yes acid mushrooms

yeah and then pills opiates like vicodin yes and then ecstasy

before mali was what it was

no no i don't do them i have tried them and guess what that's why i look like i look you want to do you want to turn out like me yeah he looks white

you want to turn out like me kiddo no you want to be pretty and young don't do drugs don't do drugs look at pete pete's

13. what a [ __ ] awful humor pete has been doing drugs for too many

years yeah but what have you done we already talked about it yeah we talked about it by the way welcome back welcome

back to pete and i want to say thank you for pete because he got over covered he got sick too this whole family oh yeah

kobe gang in the building hey have you have you got a yeah have you gotten it yet

fancy has not been i don't either no you have i mean i'm like bobby what we're immune i think we're immune shut the

[ __ ] up fancy i really do because gilbert same thing because um can i just be say something let me say something

you probably were asymptomatic yeah but that's still kind of ask your ask your wife fancy they they say that 90 something percent of

americans have come in contact with it and you're probably just asymptomatic yeah the strong ones they're strong

you're the weakest guy in this room no but his insides are strong no they're not yours are weak no they're not he's

never exercised once neither of you that's why then that we still can't get coconut anyway let's move on um

about me i'm going to be like herman cain i cannot wait yeah [Laughter]

anyway that was a great one great episode great episode as a big family let's say thanks for being a bad friend

on the count of three because we're all back one two three thank you for being a bad friend

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you have to open it i know what it is take it off oh let me ask you let me ask you i just saw it

what do you think it is taco bell yeah so you got me taco bell today yeah yeah

and and a sauce thank you do you want it doc i don't want it no i

don't want it no i want it you better for yourself it's [ __ ] rude

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