The Cookout & Dave Chappelle's Stage Stormer | Ep 115 | Bad Friends

two are bad friends who are these two idiots

you two are disgusting really YouTube or something we're bad friends did you

bring anything to the cookout that's today no is that today yes Rudy did you bring something to the

cookout you [ __ ] called me yeah because you're doing the show did you bring anything you told me to bring

you something for the cookout you were supposed to bring something for the cookout wait wait wait wait hold on no no don't point to

the guys because where are those guys what are they doing though they're ashamed that you didn't bring something to cookout yeah but why didn't they

remind me to bring Andreas why didn't you remind me to bring something to the cookout because we recorded three days

ago yeah

you don't pass the buck to him yeah you're a scumbag you don't bring [ __ ] to the cookout all right Juliana and we did

I I thought Andreas would text you yeah yeah did he text you yeah so you

reminded her yeah I think you didn't remind me okay bring me my potato salad so hey

Bobby remind me yesterday hey hey hey hey oh my God [ __ ] you hey hey hey hey be

nice [ __ ] you and [ __ ] you you didn't bring [ __ ] I brought my lazy [ __ ] now where's your beers that you're gonna

bring they're the [ __ ] first of all they're in the fridge right now would you like a beer Bobby right the beer that were already in here to bring fresh

beer dude oh you want fresh beer yeah dude just where's the kimchi it's right there bro what the [ __ ] you told me to

bring potato salad no I told you to come to the [ __ ] show tomorrow but you also told me yesterday to bring the

potato salad that's why I brought that he brought the potato salad no I never thought I said you told me that yesterday that's the only reason I

bought it I didn't even know I had to bring anything because you told me that when you said do the show tomorrow now

here's what we're gonna have to do okay here's what we're gonna have to do why are you talking to me in that I like it I like it no no but why did you talk to

me in that town because you'd be [ __ ] you know what I mean first of all I called you yesterday to do the

show tomorrow night right you're like ah nah nah I don't do the store that was crazy no it wasn't why because you

already know we have this discussion on how I feel about the store it's not it's not a store sponsored

thing if you're part of the bad friend's family we're doing a bad friend's show at the comedy store and that's what I

invited to you too once I realized that I said okay right uh yeah yeah all right he did drink today

[Laughter] so first of all welcome to the cookout

welcome to the cookout Rudy do you want to explain what you brought what is this I brought us a sponge cake that is very

famous in the Philippines it's called Mammon or we call it torta sometimes oh no

tortoise Mexican yeah Mexican that's not yours you can't just have that wait so is this it yeah this says

yeah is this good does it need to be heated up no yeah is that cheese on top yeah out they have cheese too down there

all right so so oh it's really soft yeah so do we all have to try this yeah I've already had a couple so um I'm past and

now what's inside of this as I get grossed out what is that purple stuff that's in there it's just cream purple

cream yeah yeah just try it okay wait a minute you want to try one of these Ube ensenambas yeah

all right and this is all the whole bag is filled with this right yeah it's just one thing do you guys want to try one I'm good here Pete let's see if we can

do this without knocking anything over yeah good catch Pete thank you

um all right so let me try one let's try a little bit of Ube and sanamo because we want to try everybody's everything that we brought to the to the cookout

here what do you need uh yeah I'm gonna grab this for us

he's mouthy whoa good shut your punk ass all right I'm ready so what what is he

has hostility toward me this is good it's good right you know why he's how

you know he's hostile why he just got out of jail he stormed the stage at Dave Chappelle [Laughter]

the [ __ ] out of that guy oh good did you see the pictures of this guy no bring up the photo of this guy look at the guy

that stormed this [ __ ] guy you know what happened after it was over they gave him a couple more you know they

gave him a couple more I don't know exactly what happened I just know that he was assaulted he storms the stage that's him the clearest one is like the

fifth one down do you see it here I got it right here oh you do yeah oh my God okay

why did he do it well I don't know motive yet but apparently somebody said he had oh [ __ ]

a Bobby Lee show assault nothing will happen assault yeah yeah attack Bobby because at his show he'll just give you

a hug yeah yeah but this guy got caught up in The Matrix what's that called in

Black Culture when that happened to this guy doc beat down getting beat down beat down you're getting beat the [ __ ] down

yeah well here's here's the deal so he tackles Dave and apparently he's got like a knife and or something that looks

like a gun or a knife I I can't I don't know the details and Dave got out of the way good timing on Dave dodged your

technique of dodging elephants yeah look at that's what it is it was a knife that looked like a gun

you think he'll PTSD from it Dave yeah no oh no because he seemed traumatic

though it looks like he won do you know what I mean I know but still he did win yeah man I understand that it just feels

like Dave is like I don't know maybe his Security will get tighter no one will be able to access the stage

period now yeah so I just I just don't understand how because I've like been to

like a cure concert and like how do I get up there to attack Robert Smith I wouldn't but I'm just saying how would

you even be able to do it I mean use the Hollywood Bowl you've been you can walk right up to the stage yeah I think I

think what you can do is we're giving tips on how to do this yeah what is this that you brought Pete is

this a burrito this is uh sausage and pepper sauce it's Italian cookout oh my

God this guy brought an entire sausage and pep he probably made it at home too dude let me tell you something about salsa pep oh it's nice and sticky

whoa Bobby you've never had sausage and peppers have you no never you don't know nothing about Italiano

this is so good Pete where'd you get this from uh Italian Market uh it's called Mario's do me a huge favor I'm

not kidding take a bite of this you're gonna [ __ ] lose your mind you're gonna hit a meatball sandwich but you gotta all right you got it um

come on T hey T this guy's over here talking [ __ ] you gonna let him talk to

you like that wow right you never watched The Sopranos did you hello yep that would napkin yeah and the last

thing we need to have you eat at The Cookout is the potato salad and the kimchi and that you got to try all of it okay why me though because you didn't

bring anything I bought the [ __ ] potato salad who brought the potato salad was it Rudy on the way over here where do we go

Ralphs yeah who brought whose idea was it though to pick it up and buy it yeah don't do

that don't do that because you know he didn't bring it can I have one of those

I what a what an unbelievable waste of food I hope we don't air in a country where they're struggling to get food you

do you mean what I hope none of our fans are in countries where they can't get food well I I looked it up

and ethiopius we're huge in Ethiopia huge in Ethiopia

it's good to know we got fans no yeah so listen here's the bottom line

Bob you brought your salad yep and he brought his yeah but the problem

was we wanted it homemade because you said black people in potato salad

we make the best and we care about which one where it comes from this is just Vons yeah I get it

I wanted you to bring your potato salad what do you want me to I don't have a [ __ ] kitchen in my studio if I would

have had one I would have [ __ ] made one I mean what the [ __ ] wait a minute wait wait let me ask you something how's that my problem

[Laughter] can I ask you some questions oh go ahead

and I'm not assaulting you and I'm not say it let's go to Basics yeah let's go do you

have a bathroom yes okay with a shower and everything so you can make wine in the toilet shower but not a bathtub

you don't have a bathtub but you have a shower no yeah yeah but you don't know I don't have a bathtub but you don't you don't take baths do you dog no shower

but if you had a bathtub you would take a bath no you don't like Boston no I love that

because when you wash yourself down and all that nut juice and all that sitting in there it's like a [ __ ] okay

what the [ __ ] are you talking what the [ __ ] are you talking about I don't know how much nut juice comes out of here all

right obviously a ton a time right it must be just a faucet of [ __ ] nut

juice no listen Okay black not juice

black nut juice what you do is this I don't plug in the [ __ ] thing at first

what I do is I let the faucet run in the bath I stick my [ __ ] to it and I take Pine Tar Soap that's what I use right

and I stick the bar inside the [ __ ] and I wash it out yeah then my nut juice

I squirt out some in the little [ __ ] closet yeah little you know I don't have as much as you do I have like three

little squirts all right yeah not juice not just not just right did I wash out my dick right right and then I plug it

up so all the nut juice and [ __ ] juice is all in the drain baby all in the

dream yeah and then I put hot water in and put some Epsom salt right and I take

a little bath yeah and it's relaxing you have a bath bomb yeah sometimes I'll go do it like uh Lush oh I love it like

don't you love Lush oh I love it do the rainbow ones where it makes all the colors bubble up on me yeah like it's like did Elton John fart in here

would have been better if I would have said it right did Helen Johnson yeah I [ __ ] up the joke that's Elton John and

Ellen together yeah Ellen John fart in here no you take baths Rudy no I don't like it why because you because it was

like a was it an evil thing back in the Philippines no I just can't regress

don't you rest in the back what what don't you rest that's what white people

do yeah we just hang out yeah I can't do that what do you mean whites do it he does it too yeah you think it's only a

white thing that's what I see in TVs what were the showers like in the Philippines um did they time you there's no shower

you just have a tub a bucket yeah and then you just do that relax is that

relaxing yeah yeah it's relaxing yeah but you got to get through it before the water gets cold yeah there's no hot

water do you boil it no no this is all cold yeah is the water where's the water

from the river we have a tank there's a tank yeah a

well no tank so it's a water tank yeah they

put the river water in the water tank right it's clean it's clean where's the

water from the I'm not making fun of you I don't know but I see like trucks and they just put water in the tank yeah

yeah it's the same truck that uses the porta potties so yeah I use cold water

yeah what so you got to get an immune system there oh yeah because you know because you know when you take a cold

shower

by the way this [ __ ] got covered like three times I need to take cold showers they should

start so when you take cold showers what happens is your body gets cold break it on and then your [ __ ] blood gets to

[ __ ] you know could I have a theory though I know well I know like cold baths are really good for you after

workout so muscles I go to the when I go to this Korean spa I'll go to the it may heighten your immune system

get it yeah Smoking may kill you I can say maybe

you may be six feet tall no no most likely

yeah well I I I have a theory that go into the hot sauna and then going into the

coal plunge and going back and back and forth will elevate my life extend well

they do say do like doing that is good it tricks your body so it is good for you like have you ever done um cryotherapy no what's that oh can we go

yeah cryo's amazing I mean you basically are in like a freezing tank you're standing up in like a it uses um

look at that there's cryo right there look at that negative 243. [ __ ] wow does

it build does it lukewarm and then it builds it doesn't or it's cold up front no it's freezing [ __ ] cold [ __ ]

outer space is minus 275 that's [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah well you got to wear gloves and stuff and you got to protect

yourself otherwise you'll get frostbite and die and you can only be there for I don't even know it's really quick did

you know in 2029 2028 or 2029 there's going to be space resorts don't get him

so now you're getting him started on NASA yeah yeah so there's gonna be space Resorts and I might book a weekend there

how much is it I don't know how much it's going to be but um base Resort you can go to space yeah there's a resort

it's like a hotel in seven years yeah [ __ ] the flight alone world's first space Hotel will open in 2027. yeah do

you want to go in on a vacation home it's 50 50. yeah I'm so down we have a time share can I go no no I'm not going

why not you're so skinny you float away you feel [ __ ] Abyss the space nah yeah look look at the sky

yeah look nice got space you're in space right now yeah space tourism is no longer uh stuff of the science fiction

or just around the corner aside from private missions missions uh this says uh it's gonna have 2027. wow so where is

it Mars gotta be Mars no just it just probably just floating yeah just know like I'm

not that far from Earth take me to a planet or [ __ ] off I want to go to another planet can we start with just floating in space

and then we could have other planets I don't want to go right to the thing yeah I wanted to go right to the best ride when we went to [ __ ] Six Flags what

did we do do we start off with some [ __ ] or do we do the [ __ ] two yeah yeah why am I [ __ ] why would I

want to go toy around it just take me to the [ __ ] planet I gave her a scenario there we're driving and I go if there

was a planet right that had the same you know atmospheric conditions that Earth did right but we knew nothing about it

would you just move there forever and she said yes I would immediately that's insane what else do I have to

live for down here your wife oh I feel like I can't get a new [ __ ] wife in

space space [ __ ] you don't know what to do Andrew yeah

yeah great to meet you I've been waiting for you I have 75 vaginas you can [ __ ]

all of them imagine yeah imagine you don't know are they good though no there's no there's got to be a couple of

damaged ones two of them bite your dick off it's like Russian Roulette

real nice though yeah but you got to find them yeah yeah the Kepler data calculated the Milky Way could Harbor as

many as 6 billion Earth-like planets well another estimated the number of potentially habitable planets in our

galaxy about 300 million you're telling me you wouldn't take the opportunity to go live on another planet you would survive okay you're not gonna

die right away yeah you could because we don't know what kind of viruses are on on the planet no no but you just did say

it was the same atmosphere as here so we can breathe just fine no it has oxygen

and water and water but we don't know what viruses there's probably new viruses there very good what he's right

yeah thank you so much now do you regret though now he's on your system

in a debate team I would be scared but yeah you shouldn't be Bobby Dustin go [ __ ] let me tell you something yeah I

don't give a [ __ ] what viruses exist or creatures we don't know what kind of creatures live there you'll be embedded in history forever for being one of the

first people to go try it I I would rather be that but let me ask you this then [ __ ] die just doing this podcast

you have to bring six people what six would you bring you why

I could use you as a shield I just feel like I would be the

experimental guy yeah okay no Bob come on yeah just go down yeah and I go in the camera

and I'm dead oh we can't go in that case I would bring I would bring Griff Eric Griffin

why oh I know why well food sampling he would eat anything taste that

then you have to bring a sacrificial lamb you know what that is right yeah yeah you know if the creatures are like you know we need one of you and then

we'll let you go free who do I bring I'll do it yeah see that was disgusting

yeah she loves it yeah she thinks it's going to be some kind of alien orgy that's why she wants to go yeah

would you bring doc for science we need the science guy he has to turn it down no no I'll I would

bring you but you I you'd have to shut the [ __ ] up about this because I would

you'd be sitting there all day yeah no you know I was reading this I was reading the Pentagon report these little rocks on and on and like

you'd be exhausted and then another thing he would be doing is he'd drift away right and you try to pick up like

berries and then he would like like build like some like wood apparatus what

are you doing I'm making wine

because we wouldn't allow the wine but you would yeah go ahead okay let me ask you this what if it was Survivor style though you

dropped off at that planet you still would do it and and if dinosaurs dinosaurs are still dinosaurs right we

can buy dinosaurs yeah yeah but if dinosaurs were still roaming that

particular Planet I love them but you still do it no that's but you've added too many you've added too many shaky

elements what you're saying is is that we get captured and we get dropped off there at some sort of experiment there

it is that's what I'm talking about all right so what you're saying is if we

can't choose who we get dropped off with then do we you can still oh so whatever makes you

come so the alien comes down and goes we're gonna capture you but you get to choose the five that you get captured with or no I thought I think they would

just randomly they're very diplomatic like that yeah okay okay yeah let me say this all right if

dinosaurs were on any of these places I would never go okay what you're done

you're absolutely [ __ ] if it weren't for the asteroid that killed those [ __ ] things we wouldn't exist the

only reason I think that happened universally is to save human race or you know whatever we came from to eventually

get us to be this point because dinosaurs we're gonna roam this thing is we're created by the devil to make us

think that there were dinosaurs okay can all right because the Earth has only

been around for like three or five thousand five thousand years so just just a little bit longer than we've been here yeah yeah seems weird yeah so we

have proof that there's [ __ ] ten thousand Euros oh it's fake yeah yeah to trick us to not to believe in the Bible

well yeah I gotta do I like this devil to not believe in the Bible

hello tushy you guys um honestly um I've always had a dirty

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friends for 10 off better help hey life can be very overwhelming you tell me

that again burnt out you know and bummed without even knowing it you can be hello without motivation you can feel helpless

or trapped attachment fatigue and so much more and these are all signs that you may need to get a little bit of a

solution you got to help do because I've been using better help and it's it's you

know all the the sadness and the trauma and all that it's been relieved I Feel Free as a little a fly baby a little fly

baby yeah baby boy we associate burnout with work but that's not the only cause

any of our roles in life can lead us to feel burned out and better help online therapy wants to remind you to prior to

prioritize yourself talking with someone can help you figure out that what's causing stress in your life yep so look

Bob and I both talked about this uh we use it I do love it I do think that

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friends that's better health.com bad friends zombie apocalypse

though right I would definitely bring you now why is that because you're small low to the ground you're low to the

ground you can get us stuff yeah go to the [ __ ] Gelson's man Bobby you're only inch taller than me but go ahead

[ __ ] yeah but that inch is a dead giveaway dead giveaway they see him that yellow beanie They're Gonna See For Miles yeah I always wear my beauty and

at night we can just you know let you go and you can just scramble on the earth down to wherever you need to go grab

stuff and then come right back I imagine Doc is a zombie we just let him man let him in he's not scary at all

yeah drunk zombie yeah come on just taking a nap

zombie impression do the combo all right [Laughter]

come on [Laughter]

come on Bobby man yeah look I want to say this before we continue on with the fun this what is this called again

this stuff's [ __ ] good yeah shout out to my moon okay you like the Italian sub pretty good do you don't want to break

into potato salad do you well I brought my own so I'm going to try some of mine so doc says that there's is there a

ranking system to potato salad yeah really well it depends on you I want you to try both of these and tell me which

one is better why don't we do this you guys put two on a plate oh yeah mix it about yeah and see which one's better

and see which one he said go go over there behind you know so this one's doc this one's mine that's so good this is

so fun this is like the Pepsi challenge yeah but that's fine yeah when they're like this one's way better I'm a Coke fan they're like man that was Pepsi yeah

I never believed that I thought it was it was always the other one anyway or they put Pepsi in both and I was like this is a [ __ ] scam another thing I

asked um this Juliana was in the car ride over I said what drugs have you

tried she goes I haven't tried any drug except for weed yeah and then I go um

if Harry Styles was shooting heroin oh come on would you shoot heroin with him

and she said yes what are you serious you would do that but that's never gonna happen who the [ __ ]

knows this show is getting popped yeah I don't know you would really do that if

it's with Harry then yeah you would do anything would you murder another human being if Harry Styles says I'd [ __ ] you

yeah wow wow what if he said okay how about would you would you murder another human being he said he would just give

you a hug hug yeah I'm trying to find out your boundaries kiss okay you get a kiss but no tongue

just a little a quick Peck you gotta murder a human being someone specific you have to murder kalila no I can't

would you have sex well if he carries it I'll have sex with you if you murder kalila this is good

I have too oh my you have to kill kalilah I think I will understand yeah

but I [ __ ] wouldn't and I would kill you what would it take if you said you had to kill Tito Bobby what would you

need in exchange for that just a hug just a hug okay that was funny and that

was the right answer but that was wrong hey dude this is a comedy show yeah all right she's right all right so doc wait

do you so you know which one's which yeah okay okay so he knows no so give it to

document let's have a little taste test and let's see which one he thinks is better but I also like the Food Network you got to tell me why you know you want

to watch like this is better give me real reasoning to why you think this is better

which ones you try first number one okay put the mic a little bit closer to you so we can hear so what okay so number

one no no give some descriptions about it nice sweet smooth taste to it okay

is that number two now number two God damn number two is beautiful it's good

huh oh yeah that sounds like that game this feel like it came fresh out of the daily section mine came out of the

container so my ship is in apartment about three four days okay okay which one which one which one's better number

two which one was number two Pete docs that was the one

so what what's the proof of all this you don't know [ __ ]

yours was frozen three times Frozen put back on a shelf

this is why I call [ __ ] but I still know number I still know because I picked number two no no you even said it

wasn't yours you literally went not to say man yeah because I didn't even taste it

it was a brand new box no I know but you you picked the one that wasn't yo that was yours thinking it wasn't going to be

when you just tasted exactly but what I'm trying to tell you is he's doing my tricks again

you ever had the black bombs do the three-car Molly on you same thing all right so um

[Laughter] sometimes sometimes in you know in in

very heavy touristy areas yeah there'll be a guy who has three cards three card Molly you know three bent in half and

he'll do this he'll show up he'll go which one's the you know and you have to pick and then it's a trick there's a it's a simple way of hiding a card that

should be yours that isn't yours it's a it's a but FYI this kimchi yeah

oh I've had this is the worst in the market oh I've had this we have don't we have this in a home it's not even open

no yeah yeah this is from Whole Foods yeah yeah that's the worst of them I've had this [ __ ] before yeah it's terrible look at this it says from Japan yeah

yeah that's why it's not good

yeah uh this is also well okay so these last week we talked about the ingredients yeah you can't are these

some of these ingredients not not good for kimchi then cabbage obviously yellow onion green onion red chili pepper

flakes salt fresh peeled garlic fresh ginger organic sugar fish sauce Ginger I

don't think is a thing is it not a thing for kimchi why am I asking you you're not [ __ ] Korean fresh ginger me

organic sugar fish salt salted shrimp salted shrimp yeah have you had kimchi

before no you want to try something I'm allergic to shrimp no no there is no shrimp in this oh yeah oh yeah yeah I

want to try some that's what I was going to ask you yeah if you had shrimp would you die yeah probably because it caused my

throat to swell and [ __ ] like that let's find out on this episode of is

there shrimp in there shrimp in there because we can't [ __ ] around no no honestly most kimchi doesn't have shrimp

in it I think they're saying like a salted shrimp flavoring you can listen so here's what I'm gonna explain

to you one time why did I have to say all the ingredients

[Laughter] swell up and then you your eyes would roll back and you would die the throat

closes whatever happens yeah yeah well let's see also shellfish

not all of them well yeah yes because I don't know every single one

so I've had lobster no can't do Lobster can't do shrimp can't do uh clams okay

muscle crap can't do muscles you could just say seafood at this point

you named everything I can eat certain fish though oh certain what are the fish you can't have like salmon can you have

yeah tuna yeah okay what are the ones you can't it's rough or you know what orange roughy

I don't know it's a kind of fish but like the idea that you name like how often are you

seeing orange I don't know what to tell you where did you try orange roughy it might have been a restaurant that's what

orange rough is it's actually quite good yeah Snappers can you eat catfish yeah okay

look at what it looks like yeah is that kind of like me it looks like one of my

ancestors I mean if you were a fish that would be you that's where I came from for sure angry have any of y'all had a

shark before no is it is it legal like shark fins

shark yes you could buy shark at Whole Foods yeah what once in a while shark fin I thought shark fin was illegal no

have you tried monitors lizard holy [ __ ] here we go now I know we're

going to the Jungle wait continue go ahead and keep talking so let me ask you something all right

did you just say have you ever tried monitor lizard yeah okay what is that

it's like a really big blizzard that there's it's a lot in the Philippines and they just make it their pets monitor

lizard yeah they make it their pets but then you said have you tried it so do they eat their pets yeah look at the

[ __ ] size of that thing look at that [ __ ] thing you eat that [ __ ] thing that's like a Komodo dragon yeah

what does it taste like let me guess yeah they all taste like chicken yeah it's good so so how do you cook it you

just grill it um yeah Grill it or just fry it that's what my uncle did well let me ask you

something oh there's monitor food you feed it but then you eat it I guess do you do you get it as a pet until you run

out of food and then you have to eat it is that kind of how it works I guess who can afford it as a pet obviously someone

that has a lot of money no like anyone they just but then when do they decide if they're going to eat it or not

when they're hungry I guess yeah okay what is this yeah that's that that's what it looks

like when you eat it that's monitor lizard let me tell you something zoom in on that yeah

that that's good that does not look good that's the opposite of good it looks

good yeah it does I can't even see I I can't even I can't there's not an

American dish or any dish I've ever seen that go oh it looks like that that's right yeah that looks like something out

of this world you have to try it you know what that looks like if I clean out my my the compost thing under my sink if

stuff gets good that's what it looks like it does it looks right right yeah after that choppy thing in my sink when

it gets caught up that's exactly what's underneath do you want me to bring that next time yeah yeah or you know you know

you go in the dryer and then you have that thing and then all that yeah yeah I mean like are those poo seeds I

mean what what's in there that is that is not and they left some skin on so you eat some of the skin crispy yeah oh it's

crispy yucky yucky yucky buddy yeah I would fry it to the point where it was just like you could just only taste the

charcoal if I was on the show alone then and that's only day eight that's on what

really what if we run alone and we're you and I were in the tundra and we haven't eaten they did and we saw

monitors well I would eat it way before that day four I did it day one if I

could get it watching that show how about this I proposed it on the show before yeah and I've said it again and I'm gonna say it

again yeah I want fancy to reach out to Naked and Afraid yeah and I want to do it with you I would love will you do

Naked and Afraid with me we got we got to bring him I think there's only two people that are a lot but okay we'll get well that's not three we gotta do a

three minute will you please reach out to naked and afraid to see if we can do Australia Naked and Afraid number one I want to see him scared and naked me too

bad I'm not trying to be on [ __ ] naked in a friend

yeah yeah don't go from naked and afraid to bugs stop jumping around yeah yeah let's talk about negative afraid why

wouldn't you want to be naked and afraid with us I want to ask you this is a weird

scenario I don't know it's on television yeah go get the [ __ ] do you blur out the

dick or not it's just weird to just be out there naked with YouTube goddamn our

ancestors did this yeah what's so weird about it I think our ancestors like okay

okay how about this what are ancestors what what do you mean [ __ ] more like a leaf dress you know what I'm saying

yeah you get something to cover up your penis I don't know I guess it's my problem I

thought it was like Robin Cox I can't hear you when you're talking Abraham you gotta yeah go ahead we gotta

talk I just say like I just thought we'd be like Robin Cox and eating monitors you think that if we were on naked

afraid we'd be rubbing [ __ ] to make fire what the [ __ ] are you talking about yeah I got my own Boat Grill look at my

dick insane insane oh it's just you and I then yes okay okay you and I will you

propose that fancy will you please reach out to them and also yeah I have I have a festival that I want us to go to show

him the festival that I found today a four day sex Island party okay a sex

Island party in Las Vegas oh what is it you can have a hundred it's like a hundred prostitutes per guy

okay first of all number one do we get um passes from our girlfriends and wives well we have to ask them it's for the

show this is for the show that's for Showbiz this is for the show right I think I

think it should have you doc have you ever done that no no I never went to a brothel but have you had a

brothelium a trap house yeah okay do you know what a traveler no trap house is

like the drug it's like a yeah you so you've had sex at the trap house I got blow jobs here oh you told us about that

from people that were on crack there you go but that's fine but you didn't pay them

you gave them crap right I guess you paid them in a way yeah yeah they came they come new normally they come to you anywhere yeah they're there and you're

like you know listen a little bit of action for a little better y'all know what I mean you're like look you got a

mouse I got some cracks yeah let's go on here to get a bit and then when you're a kid like no I mean you ready to get them

blow jobs I would be so bad at selling crack oh you would be why could you do

it all I would just give it away I'd feel so bad when people are like come on man I just like here dude get out of

here this is you're scaring me I was downtown with my friend Kalisto many many years ago and a crack addict uh

amen and I I give them 40 bucks and then I remember my friend Kalisto grabbed me he

goes you piece of [ __ ] I go why he goes Ollie's gonna [ __ ] do is buy crack

with that why'd you do that and I go because I didn't have any crack on me yeah

what did you want me to do imagine if he asked for some change no and I gave him

crack instead you know how happy he would be he doesn't have to go to you know I mean you know there's no middle

man right direct hey man you got some crack you're like I do yeah yeah because

they don't want so they don't want your money because they need to get they want crack because your money is another step yeah now I need to go get the crack yeah

there is that idea that like if you give homeless people money they'll get liquor or some do something bad with that so

what yeah but for me it's like I just want them to be happy I give them money all the time me too I don't give a [ __ ]

I don't give a [ __ ] Life's too short to me think about what they're gonna do with the money because they might buy

crack but they also might buy Jonas Brothers tickets so they're in a concert yeah you never know or yeah they might

go to Aspen or they might go to Dave Chappelle at the bowl and attack him imagine a guy's like I'm just saving

just enough money to run on stage to buy a save the bell ticket yeah so I can run on stage are y'all serious y'all give to

to every homeless person not everyone but every once in a while you have to have some spirit cash I might do it if I

have a little bit of money in my pocket you know what you know what I do it the

most when I leave the store if I'm leaving the club and I'm going through Hollywood and there's somebody begging yeah I'm gonna give it to him

because why you say it like you don't you don't [ __ ] believe in that [ __ ] no no it's not that I just don't

I thought you might meant like you run to the ATM come back and bring them a little crisp I don't know that's insane

that's insane no we don't do that I'm not gonna go to the I'm not gonna go out of my way and if he dies in the meantime

although there was one incident when I was at the comedy store and it was there during the day to pick up a check and I

remember I'm gonna name his name but um he very funny comic but he would relapse

and he would always do crack right and so he was there during the day just

hanging out in the parking lot right and he came up to me and he was and he had scat he had a [ __ ]

lesion on his face like something had busted open and a blood clot on his face

was [ __ ] crazy and he had no shoes and he's a really funny guy I was there

that day too you were there you remember that day oh yeah you know who it was don't say the name yeah you do remember

something to say yeah yeah yeah and I go um I'll get you a hotel room instead

okay because he asked for cash and I didn't want him to die from doing drugs right so I've twice that's happened in

my life this my other friend Louie same thing happened CK and he um he had relapsed and I go I'll

get you a nice hotel for like three days but I'm not gonna buy you give you money because I don't want them to die but I

think the problem is then you just gave them a place to do crack yeah

that's true that is true I didn't think it through I'm not getting you crack but I'm gonna get you a roof over your head

to do crack yeah that's situation what do you do though no dude you didn't do you look what do you do you're you're

you're you're damned if you do you're damned if you don't so you just have to do it and then hope that they make something that works for them yeah I had

one of those moments the other day I cried at like a [ __ ] YouTube video because it was this I think he had

autism and he was like kind of finicky in a in a guitar store and uh much he

doesn't have autism at all I'm just but I mean he was very nervous and he just acted very like uh uncomfortable and he

was trying to buy a guitar and it was 200 okay and the guy said there is nothing funny about this by the way it

was just sweet hold on hold on the challenge is I want you to find the funny I know I'm gonna

you know I'm looking for that as I say it here's the challenge no but as he the guy says he says okay how much is he

it's 200 with the guitar in the case he goes you don't know how long I've been looking for this I mean who's dude he was like he needed it so bad and the guy

says well how much you have you said I just got paid so is there a way for me to put some on a card and some on a thing and he says yeah yeah so lets him

do his 150 on this and then he says he has 50 or something on that and the guys that go with taxes it's like 220 or

something like that so he's short 20 and he goes oh and he keeps looking at his wallet he's doing that thing it's almost

like cartoonish he keeps looking at his wallet like something might fall out and then a woman goes

how much more do you need and he goes I'm putting it on layaway they're going to put it on they'll hold it for me for six weeks until I can muster up 20 more

dollars and she goes I'll just pay for it and it and it made me cry because I

was like this is Faith in humanity restored now the other part that they didn't show was that he had to [ __ ] the

[ __ ] out of this old Pig for giving him twenty dollars there's the funny

no but he got but it was sweet it was so sweet honestly I'm being serious no that was really you know what that was just

it just made me go why didn't you you have money why don't you jump in it was a video on it

oh my god I've had um in my life yep and I I wish back then when I was younger

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information provided in your loan application go to upstart.com bad friends of course of course I would what

do you mean you wouldn't give them twenty dollars you would not 200 Guitar Ain't Nothing for like 75 bucks or

something like that [ __ ] out of here man there's people starving in Africa going up and going with that guy oh are you helping people starving in Africa how

much money have you sent to Africa doc I've seen the goddamn debt well then shut the [ __ ] up I'm saying I'm not giving a dude twenty

dollars an acoustic guitars 400 what are you talking about well whatever the case is I'm not giving for a good time that's

that's a luxury okay you know what I hope that guy writes a song about how much he doesn't like you

speaking of the saddest thing I've seen on YouTube can I tell you the saddest video I've seen on YouTube I don't want to see the whole thing let's not play it

but it's this Cambodian TV show I'm already crying

Cambodia does it for me every time and it's a reunion show when people were

ripped apart by the Khmer Rouge and the war okay and so they reunite people

right and um a woman gets reunited with her sister

right and they hadn't seen each other since they were kids right which makes

you cry immediately right but then there's a third surprise and I I don't want to ruin it for people don't ruin it

yeah yeah but there's a third surprise and once you see the third surprise bro that's it if you don't cry yeah turn

on the Waterworks yeah yeah oh it's really good it's really what's the name of the show so people can look it up huh uh [ __ ]

family [Laughter]

yeah you just put Cambodia and reunited and that's the first video we could

actually fast forward it to the end yeah that's it can we just fast forward up to the end and just to get to the surprise

oh yeah yeah yeah yeah okay so I'll just give it away [ __ ] it all right I'll just give it away [ __ ] it

right yeah so yeah roll it in the background yeah yeah so the Two Sisters get reunited and then the lady goes well

here's a family photo and there the closest was like wait a second that is us as kids but we haven't seen this

photo in 40 years so where'd you get the photo they found the mom shut up that's the

photo right there that's the photo right there they found the hey man you can't hit me with surprises

man you gotta [ __ ] slow that [ __ ] all right you already did they already get the read That's The Reunion so go back no no let's do the reveal do the reveal

first go back go back go back yeah okay so now she's going they

haven't revealed it yet don't be scared to act normal yeah yeah that's the mom

right so uh wow yeah she's scared and why do the kids get lost is it they gave up the kids for no

they got split during the war there's bombs going on people running God they turn it up now a little bit turn it up

it's a rough language it's so unattractive thing there's no way to be romantic with the opposite of French

come here baby it's so hard to

hey oh

she kind of doesn't believe it's her she's like who who is this yeah it could be anybody I mean

[Laughter] she's like you look Chinese yeah

it doesn't matter so now watch here's the Third nothing can compare to this well just

you wait oh yeah Push pause it would have been great though if right

before the Embrace I'll just dies

or just a heart implodes and she does I mean how that would have been she's like

Doc is a man God damn oh God bless doc God

bless from special [ __ ] how do you feel about that Rudy um

it was sweet it doesn't give a [ __ ] remember I should try to show you this

video a couple years ago you didn't even watch it no yeah she doesn't like it why you don't like to feel huh

I like to feel sometimes what do you like to feel Harry Styles okay no what

do you feel yeah this isn't it you know this doesn't get yeah I think this comes with age I think you can appreciate this

stuff to your own yeah yeah then once you get older you've never seen you've never felt lost no yeah yeah

and when you feel lost and and that and I think when that happens you'll start those feelings were I don't know maybe

no you're right I don't know when you go through some sort of trauma or loss there's something that happens when you

see stuff like that it makes you get emotional because you know what it felt like you know what the that all those

emotions you don't have any [ __ ] emotions no yeah we gotta buy we gotta get you some emotion

I don't know she's a special one well the worst part is like if she did like you know if she

killed kalila for to Bone Harry Styles like she'd be even happier about death so it'd be it'd be working in Reverse

yeah it's like she's never gonna get back to a good place yeah you're gone forever huh

Jesus Christ yeah yeah that doesn't do anything to you though that really watching that doesn't even

it was nice what do you mean it's nice nice to look at yeah I like their

dresses like when they hug oh that was but you didn't cry what yeah right her

response is why why would I cry yeah what would make her cry about that yeah what would make you cry do you think

dogs oh so if two dogs right and here's your mom Ducks

yeah but they start licking each other and then she's [ __ ] right yeah yeah dog reunited yeah reunited just right

dog reunited this is going to get you this will get you I don't think it will you ice cold

[ __ ] yeah oh my God the dog

look at that with its owner oh they don't really know that woman that well oh licky face oh you just start the red

rocket comes out look at that Rudy

oh no the saddest one is Army Soul whenever it's soldiers when the dog

there's one where a dog is literally crying at his master's gravesite oh yeah

yeah and you could he he's going oh yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah I remember that it's husky right it's a husky yeah yeah oh no

if this doesn't get you yeah you're a narcissist yeah yeah you're a piece of

[ __ ] laughs

holy [ __ ] this is count is actually killing me

why would I put them right after yeah because when another dog is gone I can't believe it

oh no oh see oh this is dying owner oh man hey man

this is gonna turn into like a uh your mom's house just [ __ ] up [ __ ] no no no no I can't

see this stop turn it off

yeah the next video is a dog wearing a wetsuit diving into saving six other dogs Jesus Christ whoever put that

together yeah has no gay who has no gauge of how extremism works

they're all crying on it the old owner's gripe and then four dogs in the street that were bludgeoned

by cars pawing at each other's face it's just that was a little too much too much way too much yeah is there a movie that

you cried on

that makes me cry every time the last second of the movie Magnolia

uh what's at the end there so Jossie Riley is dating this girl this

girl was molested by her dad in the movie right the talk show like I remember the movie yeah talk show host or whatever and he's you know going I

want to be with you and we're going to do all these things and it's just a [ __ ] camera shot on the girl's face

and she's look looking at him with tears in her eyes right and the last second she looks in the camera and she smiles

it's so [ __ ] good oh it makes me it's like Redemption oh it's

like feeling safe I felt it when you said it yeah yeah what makes you cry then doc do you have something in your mind [ __ ] Gladiator when the

[ __ ] when she's like holding him and he's dying and then she's like go to him and they show his family and

then his wife is like her hand go across the thistles right there that hand across the thistle that's it no [ __ ]

tears I'm in that [ __ ] what did you just say fancy as the music

the music the music music yeah what about you Jules what have you

cried on it's the dog movie Hot Chick Air Bud

I do get it every time I see everybody hi Chico

what hot Chico Hot Chico yeah c-h-i it's inanimate is it a [ __ ] no

it's not anime I've never heard of Hachiko the movie in

my entire [ __ ] life that's the movie

his [ __ ] laughs bring up the trailer

that would make me cry too oh that hurts do you even know what he said what he's

joking about no yeah it's an urban legend I don't think it's true that's true but there's always been this urban

legend and I don't know why I don't know where Richard here stuck a gerbil in his [ __ ] what's a gerbil it's like a

little mouse a little hamster why I don't know why what is that Urban how did that even come about that urban

legend of the ER the ER what the show that he went to the emergency room and

they had to get it out of him really that's where the rumor comes from oh wow hey who knows see if it's true though is

it true how could you they're not gonna [ __ ] they'll have that removed Highly Questionable cultural history of Richard

Gere's asked her the article doesn't help me

yeah it's it's called gerbiling yeah that's what it's called when you do when you put gerbils in your butthole

gerbiling gerbiling yeah and you got to leave little pieces of food up there for it to find it's animal cruelty right

for some people no but the animal dies right there's no animal that goes and it comes out alive really yeah but if it I

mean if I stuck you in an elephant's [ __ ] for how long for more than 15

seconds you'd be that if I could get a little bit of air I'd be okay I mean

some people say eating monitor lizards is bad you see what I'm saying yeah yeah it's fine it's normal you see and

gerbiling might be normal In some cultures some people might be gerbiling might have been the way that they found God

uh I don't want to question someone's religious yeah you know but is it is let's explore a little bit um is the

sensation I would think is to feel something die inside you that's dark well [ __ ] so terrible

dog maybe a little hamster or something get that little that little patter on the feet and anybody out there that

likes to make art for the show like and by the way I want to say Career Studios we love this guy this dude makes such great art anybody that likes to make art

for the show go ahead and make a uh gerbiling dog yeah yeah

we love gerbil and dog yeah so go back real quick to this movie I need to see oh that is Creo art studios that's our

guy that that makes great art for us we love this dude go ahead and say it your way fancy because you know Eric yeah

enough you let him do that once and because he's like can I do it live on the show I'm like yeah I want to see the

trailer for Hachiko yeah trailer for Hachiko it's from the director of Chocolat did this [ __ ] movie wow

it said based on a true story too is this it yeah this is just a story about a guy who

[ __ ] adopted a dog and it works out yeah but at the end something happens the dog dies no Richard Deer dies yeah

then the dog waited for him at the train station oh but he did know because he didn't know he was dead

keep going let's see they're not gonna show anything about him dying yeah yeah

V is always waiting yeah all right pause it really responsible to let this dog just

roam around town do you know what I mean he can get hit with it by a car so easily yeah and why is my dog waiting

for me the train station because he had to go six miles to get here Richard Gere yeah that was [ __ ] mean let him roam

around this small here's another thing we thought about this remember the Cambodian video I showed you earlier what if they were in town

[Laughter] wait that same that same shot

dude that same shot of of him looking under that clock where the dog's supposed to be it's just those three women

[Laughter]

dude you were [ __ ] cracking me up right now dude you're cracking me up right now you

know why why because I saw this video it's on YouTube where the dog goes and

he's his owner dies and he just goes to the same spot and just Waits oh yeah that's gotta be what they talking about

oh we just watched it that became real yeah it is on YouTube we just said yeah yeah now you mean the real story yeah

yeah well where the [ __ ] is the real one that's gonna be better than this one yeah

that didn't get me yeah I just that didn't get me not like the Cambodian woman story I don't know there it is

that's give me the [ __ ] real one you were the real Let me see a photo of this the faithful pup

oh and they oh first of all it was an Asian guy yeah and then there's a story so you're wrong no no I'm talking about

there is a real live like United States thing that happened I know but that's not that movie it's not based on that

movie okay it's fine it's fine so wait a minute this whole film was based on an

Asian family and their dog and they [ __ ] whitewashed this movie they whitewashed it another version of the

[ __ ] white devil it's like ghost in the show when they put [ __ ] Scarlett Johansson

she was white yeah you can name so many Ghostbusters

Ghostbusters that was an Asian they're all Asians who's supposed to yeah

really [Laughter]

the ghosts are all yellow I am with a key master

insane I'm sick of white people [ __ ] stealing Asian films and we gotta put a stop tired of it it's disgusting well I

mean I told you about you know because I have a joke about it on stage about um they made a movie about Genghis Khan oh

yeah and John Wayne played them I know I know that picture John Wayne played Genghis Khan in a [ __ ] movie you know

who Genghis Khan is don't you yeah do you know who that is Rudy no look at that John Wayne is Genghis Khan

he was the Joe Stalin of China did you say he was a Joe Biden of China

no Joe Stalin [Laughter] you know he was a Joe Biden in Chinese

he was a Kamala Harris of China zoom in on how insane that is this is

insane that's John Wayne yeah as an Asian guy

that's what they used to do by the way doesn't look Asian even a little bit at all not even not at all that just looks

like a guy who likes motorcycles yeah that's just a [ __ ] but imagine imagine the calls that the Asian actors

that auditioned with that part got when they found out who got it

look at the guy to his right how they've gussied him that is crazy crazy dude that's a white

guy too that's a white guy yeah oh they used to do that go to the IMDb page and

I want to see the cast and let's see actually how many [ __ ] Asian Asian members are on there yeah what's that movie called The Conqueror yeah the

Conqueror that's right yeah okay 1956 1956 yeah okay scroll down scroll down

by the way the love interest also a white girl yeah Stars here we go zoom in deep John Wayne

Susan Hayward Pedro Pedro so Latin dudes got it before Agnes

Moorhead Thomas Gomez

William Conrad Ted decorse so wait a minute this anything oh there's a Lee Van Cleef

yeah yeah at the bottom oh Richard Lou the captain of Wang's guard oh he yeah

background yeah yeah that's the only Asian we found on the primary care yeah

there's a billion Chinese and they can only find one that's crazy there's a

billion of these [ __ ] people yeah and they're like we just don't know where to turn yeah yeah I just don't think we can

cast any Asians in this yeah it's insane wow Richard Lou shout out to [ __ ] Richard Lou

you know what yeah this episode we're dedicating to Richard Richard Liu shout out to Richard Lou born in one of your

favorite places in Hawaii died the year of Our Lord Andrew Santino's birth 1983 here in Los Angeles what else did

Richard Lew do I bet you some more racist [ __ ] yeah The

Man with the Golden Gun steel helmet The Quiet American Purple Heart let's see his names though

this has always got to be yeah scroll down to his actor let's see the name of all it's always good what if he did a movie called Emperor hiroyito and Steve

Martin play today and he's just a Guardsman look at all of his names

Dr lipu high fat

Tanaka Ys Chen yeah linchu Tai shenshi

Leo my favorite is one it's just like Mark but yeah yeah Jimmy McGavin or something

let me ask you something this is that's what's [ __ ] about it is that not like because he's born in Hawaii you

know I mean so he's an american guy right yeah he's an American and imagine that's all he could get those are his thing Chang

yeah ping pong ping pong and he's like and that's once every five years

probably there's one part as a Guardsman or some Butler well even though he looked because no no right there Hawaii

Five-O stop Hawaii Five-0 1968 Wong two yeah Wong two yeah and you know those

writers are doing that because they think there's something's funny you know what I mean the writers are like wing wang or uh yeah Wang Chung or pots and

pans throw it against the wall hey look at this and I Dream of Genie he was just Wong just long yeah hey can I be Wong

two no just Wong well here's a question yeah do does do

Korea make remake American movies no they don't now Korean does a lot of

original stuff we do original stuff oh okay well you think that Korea is going to make let me sit there I have an idea

let's do medical Malcolm X by the way I'm watching that in the

theater yeah and the Malcolm Bobby Marie you know what it should be it should be

uh what's a Denzel movie King Kong ain't got [ __ ] on me

training dead Korean style would be so fun but they would set it they would rewrite it right but they would never do

a biopic right I don't think they would you know because Seven Samurai the movie

Seven Samurai America made it into Magnificent Seven which is okay because they they set Samurai into cowboy and

they they same storyline but they switched the character that's one thing that's cool you could do that but if you're casting yeah I mean

a white dude to play an Asian guy that's where I have the problem it's just goofball [ __ ] it's goofball yeah

especially a historic figure not like it's not like just a random dude it's

[ __ ] Genghis it's weird to play a big figure and it's it's weird on all fronts

but also shout out one more time to our main guy what was his name again here Richard Luke you please memorize it

Richard Lou Richard Lou Richard shout out to Richard Lou rest in peace thank you for coming to the cookout by the way

and I'm appreciative of you guys bringing food what is this again this is potatoes and eggs potatoes and eggs yes

that doesn't sound yeah I don't know right now uh a pass wait I got and what is this is homemade yes wait who made it

I've made it I gotta try it oh it actually smells really good you want to

try one of these potatoes and eggs foreign

no it's not a [ __ ] tortilla don't do that Spanish not Mexican rude

That is rude probably Mexican's lazy because you don't do that with their tortillas

well this is called tortilla yeah wow this is really good thank you for being a bad friend

[Music] good

morning it's at the government hey that's what my fingers be important is that the [ __ ] government I never said that it was this color this guy I'm

saying well this is happening it's white people the most

literally nothing I know about critical racism

[Music]

hmm [Music]