The Shamrock ☘️ Cult | Ep 56 | Bad Friends

[Laughter]

let me get a third shot of the thing it looks like c o bond but it's siobhan granny granny granny granny green

miata [Laughter]

[Laughter] you two are bad friends who are these two idiots

why dude i'm an asian dude you two are disgusting

well you two or something we're bad friends me lucky charm me me lucky twilight um happy saint patrick's day

happy sun bachelorette club patrick's day it's the lovely day we drink a lot of beer and we kiss each

other hey don't tell your father or your mother that you're gay it's saint

patrick's day drink another beer oh the rainbow is

that yeah somewhere over the rainbow is a irish uh it is i brought my irish stat

stein here so i can have what about this one what about jump jump jump that song isn't

that irish [Laughter] how's the pain

is that irish i don't know i always do when i look at them in that video i think that they're irish

well house of pain is irish yeah because they're a green they're not green people they wear green

a lot they're green yeah they're irish they're always in green outfits and whatnot i'm gonna drink

guinness for for the [ __ ] oh here we go this is for the motherland yeah but i'm in recovery baby i want to

drink it so bad bob i've had drinks in front of you before

are you this is is this bad you can no no you don't get any of this i've had drinks in front of you multiple

times i know i like it you have green you have green this is a green pearl edition sugar-free red bowl

whoa same hair oh thank you i have to drink because i want to be able to have a soda pop

[Music] pretty good welcome to the show look at hi rude put on your beard please look at

this big look at the size of this thing dude i like it i like the way your cheeks get

rosy you're like really rosy cheeky look at you that's because i was out in the sun

no i don't think so i think it's saint patrick's day your uh your cheeks are all real well whenever it's saint patrick's saying my cheeks get a little

rosy yeah what can i say you know what's my wife's name too when you get rolls i think you're gonna have plump red cheeks

yeah i'm going to be fat like plump though but i'm going to be fat yeah yeah i'm looking for it i'm excited to get fat yeah i love that you

have green onions today i didn't have any adr and they did a close-up of my face yeah and my face went from each end

of the screen that's how [ __ ] fat i am no i'm not kenyan you're wide and they had two little heads here which was you

know magnum and perdita right and then my big [ __ ] blob yellow

[ __ ] gross face big flat head and you can see my [ __ ] liver spots you don't have any liver spots baby i do on the

side babe is that what those are what do you think it was lesions yeah lesions lesions

i thought it was lesions what you got self-conscious about your adr because you're looking a little less so um

we were gonna did you see chris d recently yeah you did today yeah no couple days ago he's

humbled down chris d is in town i know that he is yeah and so that we were gonna prank him by what

well we're going to send send pubes to them but he's in la for the next three months he would send pubes to them but

they saved our pubes but they pranked us twice how what did they what do you mean no they didn't they sent us poo they sent

us poo that's it they gave you kovid

that's the best prank in the world and he didn't even get it i know he didn't even get it that's the prank though i

know oh that are these chocolates we got to get them back i know well what do we have to do send you [ __ ] and give

you covert imagine that poop poop in the mail and cover it in the cove in my life yeah that's [ __ ] that's insane i know

we should kill those guys yeah the disrespect is insane open your mouth i got a chocolate for you no i don't wanna that's i don't right now i'm only fifty

come on all right okay close um rudy you don't oh there you go

how does that feel comfortable um it's fine it's not itchy it's not itchy wait a minute was there any

did we talk about this were there ever any redheads um in the philippines no never right you've never seen one but

if you did see what would you guys do you dig a hole you dig yeah i think andrew was the first one i've seen i'm

the first redhead you've ever seen in your life yeah how scary was that i thought it was weird yeah exactly

right okay because you're used to it you know i mean you see like the movies right yeah you see redheads on film oh

you know you see them so also look look look one of your favorite from uh one of your favorite characters he's a redhead oh yeah no no but in real life like you

know when i was a kid i would watch scary things like you know uh lucille ball

scary yeah because i love lucy wasn't scary because her i know but her hair was so red it was so scary

right and then you see like it the first one yeah you're like oh [ __ ] he's one of ours and then when you see one for the

first time a redhead right there is a shock to it yeah a little bit yeah a little bit like

that's real we're a dying breed there's only look up how many redheads are are on earth i bet you there's let's guess

how many how many reds you think are on for real genuinely 845 million

what what an insanely bad guess what 845 million redheads

how could that be you know how many people are in the how many people are in the united states in the world you said right yeah but how many people in the

united states 350 million yeah exactly so you think double the population of the united

states is redheaded you're right let me take can i get can i take that back yeah because that's you're absolutely dumbest math i've ever heard

it's insane i just threw it out there all right we'll give me another one all right well i drink my gunners i would say there's 183 million redheads on

planet earth okay rudy what do you think how many redheads are on planet earth right now maybe like

six percent what what is happening in here yeah six

percent of the earth is redhead is that what you think yeah okay six percent of the total population i would say the number would be around

like two and a half million redheads two million redheads on earth two million that's it yeah can i can i

adjust 140 million less than two wow so who was the closest

i was we were i said 183 million you first guessed 800 million

you first guessed 800 million i know but my second guess though okay which is the real guess is i was the closest to 140 million

people that's approximately scotland boasts the highest percentage of natural redheads with 13 percent of that country being redheaded yeah there we go

wow and they're treated the worst are they really we're treated worse than any other kind

of person on earth that's uh oh my god really who's lower than us the jews

what in the history of time redheads in the history of time we were persecuted as well you guys were put in

in concentration camps and put into [ __ ] mass mass killings yep

yep they did it never never heard of it yes they did look up the redhead genocide look at the ginger genocide

you've never heard of ginger genocide is there a ginger yes sir look up the ginger genocide the ginger genocide

oh you know what 1648 northern ireland was oppressed right by england of course yeah so that's still a battle going on

nra genocide right there click on it what happened there was a ginger genocide

a crime that will be committed in late 2009 early 2010 to exterminate all ginger [ __ ] and their children

[Laughter] in 2009 it didn't happen we got they could never happen they didn't get us

yeah they planned the attack and we didn't they didn't it wasn't it didn't happen yeah you know why we're too swift baby

yeah but when i when i look at um reddited people i don't think um

i just feel disgusted no there's no feeling of like i want to hurt them or i want to oppress them

you feel bad for them i don't feel bad for them i'm a little leprechaun

who is that girl hey jennifer anderson is it yeah she was in the first one

and the original yeah god she looks the exact same now 30 years later or whatever that is yeah i

love actors that like have done bad movies in the before they could be what do you mean lebron was a great movie

okay great movie but it was cool to see like johnny depp in the first um nightmare on elm street street

another great movie i don't know you're referencing two great movies wait wait wait nightmare on elm street

stop you're saying that leprechaun correct and nightmare elmshoe is a cult classic

sure so leprechaun no it's no not the britcon's not yes it is the only reason we know about it is

because it's a gold classic is it good so i should go watch it tonight i would absolutely watch it again what's it about it's about a

leprechaun no but what happened it's right in the title what happens though maybe that's regular size

this is a scene from leprechaun are you being are you kidding me this is incredible how do you how did you print this up so quickly

oh [ __ ] wow he's on top of it so this is a part of the movie so obviously who's tory jennifer anderson yes yes can i

play you you have to play the leprechaun obviously of course yeah

i'll play i'll play okay and then rudy you have to read this uh the stage directions okay okay this is the table

read let's imagine this is the table read for leprechauns what year was that 19 in the 90s 92 yeah 93 93 so here we

go all right stage okay so this is the table read for leprechaun thanks all for coming and rudy jules take it away well

let's let the writer let the writer have a little announcement they sometimes do that yeah yeah yeah okay so i'm i'll

just play the writer as well hi i'm clips fitzsimmons cliff fitzsimmons

that's my name and i thank you welcome to um my movie that i wrote called leprechaun

and ex inspiration was um i lived in ireland for many many years well you grew up there right cliff yes i

did and when did you move to the united states cliff in the 83 1983 in 1983 yeah

what brought you the states um the desire to i'm a filmmaker i'm a writer and you didn't want to do

anything over there was there was nothing going on there's nothing going on it's so it's [ __ ] up over there a lot of redheads so um here we and i this

this this movie is um just from dear to my heart because it

reminds me of my childhood yeah back on the ruling hills of uh dublin oh wow

yeah okay wonderful well um uh sir sir please take it away yeah well

i'm the writer that's the director oh my god you're the director of the film what is your name again just announce yourself i'm jose

[Laughter] jose okay what a hairy face of it hispanic guy

jose what [ __ ] movie jose archnold

arsenal was the archduke ladies and gentlemen jose

all right jose why won't you take us through the film here we go tori holds a bag of gold the leprechaun

magically appears is that me gold what the hell are you

i'm a leprechaun me dear here this is what you're looking for right tori holds

out the bag of gold the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hand my powers

are returning the left comes cut what's going on i wrote it as me

i'm sorry it's me powers are returning not mine

so okay stage direction go ahead sorry sorry sorry please read it again it's all right tori holds out the bag of gold

the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands what the [ __ ] what in table race they don't have a

[ __ ] a gopher what the [ __ ] are you doing

it's a table read this we're not rehearsing the [ __ ] table races oh all right let's start from the top let's

go let's go again good stuff jose uh since i wrote it yeah it's cliff here so

hey cliff yeah hey so um can you play it more real maybe a little bit more real yeah okay no

problem thanks uh jose jose say your last name again archnold arsenal

jose arsenal the director yeah go ahead jose when you're ready and i am cliff fitzsimons yeah i know mr mcv mcfit

simmons i am aware of who you are toy holds out the bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears

real no this is way too old it's it's where it says magically

just play the leprechaun reel as real as you can okay tori holds out a bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears

very good very good very often

is that me cool what the hell are you i'm a leprechaun

we did there we go here this is what you're looking for right tori holds out the bag of gold the

leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands me powers are returning

the leprechaun shakes the bag

it sounds like me gold the leprechaun opens the bag it looks like me gould

the leprechaun smells the bag it smells like less

a little less please the leprechaun is the gold it tastes like me a girl

okay you're fired why it's it's you're i'm the leprechaun i know you're you're

the leprechaun we have matthew mcconaughey yeah yeah is that me gold there we go

let's do with matthew go ahead matthew all right don't even do the hdr go first line go ahead matthew

all right send me gold man semi gold man yeah what the hell are you

i'm almost i'd be a leprechaun hey dude okay here this is what you're looking for

right ooh my powers are returning

before the next line can you say all right all right yeah all right all right all right it looks

like me gold that's right effects all right all right all right all right it looks like migo yeah leprechaun smells a

bag all right all right it smells like big o

oh you're hired matthew thank you amazing why don't you play the leprechaun then if you don't like the way that i'm playing lebron you play it

and i'll play tori because i wrote the [ __ ] i'm not an actor i'm [ __ ] clifford neither am i obviously you just

fired me off the movie oh sorry all right so you play the leprechaun oh okay no you know what you play the leprechaun i can't do that yes you can i kid you

yes you can try it go ahead and read it again uh george uh uh jorge uh what is it oh say arsenal

arsenal and dome and where the [ __ ] do you get archenold from where would that even you're where does

your bra archnold hey cliff mcfarland i know mr mcfadden we're gonna get to you in a second no

but it's my culture to always you know say my name first all right okay so hi i'm

hi so i just want to let you know that you're degrading our ethnic immigrant he's an immigrant director

i just don't understand the sundance and what's the the movie you did for sundance the short film about the uh

mexican immigrants crossing the border go was it that beautiful movie that clap

the boat clap the boat you never saw clap the boat are you telling me you directed clap the boat

that was your film clap the boat was you got the boat that's one of the best movies i've ever seen in my life i know

do you know what the movie is tell them what the movie's about i know clap the bone i love the bow yeah the movie's

about these mexican immigrants they want they're trying to cross the border correct yeah right and they're and they

don't know how right they're trying to figure out if they're trying to dig a hole underneath the wall out in the wall

they try to go over it right yep and then right yeah your main lead what's his name

who's the lead actor in that movie it was uh yeah it was what

she builds a bone she's so good she's so good so good so good in the movie alexandra right and then what do they do when she

builds a boat [Laughter] there wasn't a dry eye in the theater

i'll tell you that there wasn't a drought honestly i'm not even i'm not joshing around anymore yeah clap the boat was one of the best movies

i've ever seen in my entire well then give then don't talk to him all right okay

go ahead all right sir can you please read the direction so we can get through the scene of leprechaun where boob is playing lep and i'm playing tory okay

tori holds a bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears does that make old

[ __ ] where the hell are you i'm a luck leprechaun my dear

tori holds out the bag of gold the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands my powers are returning

what is that that's what you're doing the leprechaun shakes the back it sounds

like my gold the leprechaun opens the bag it'll clock may go the leprechaun

smells the beauty it smells like me gold the leprechaun taste it tastes like my gold the leprechaunicus is totally right

um oh god oh oh god oh oh god you know arch is that your name no jose that's

jose jose i think you should play i think i think jose should do the labracon

yeah i think yeah yeah we're trying to do an irish accent ah we i just [ __ ] did it we taught you

how to do iron clips cliff vic fitzsimmons here mr mcfix simmons if i may speak for mr mcfit-simmons

he did give it his best effort and sir you're directing this movie we'd love to see how you would take it

you know what i mean yeah you should look i'll do this the stage directions if you don't mind you play uh torrey i'll be tori is yeah okay

tori holds a bag of gold the leprechaun magically appears is that me gold

pretty good pretty good what the hell are you

i'm a leprechaun my dear [Laughter]

here is this what you're looking for the bag of gold the leprechaun uses magic to bring it to his hands

my powers are returning the leprechaun shakes the bag

it's so hard you're going it's it sounds like my gold

the leprechaun opens the bag it looks like my gold the leprechaun smells the

bag it smells like gold give her a round of applause very good

hey you should direct it and start garnish hey

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you something go ahead you're fine you know you're famous on other podcasts so much bigger than you even know what

do you mean you were mentioned i sent this to the guys you got mentioned on one of the most

famous race car drivers he was on a podcast and they talked about you of all time dale

earnhardt okay can i just say this though dale i love dale by the way yeah oh you should because he loves you but

can i i don't know if this is his show if you're gonna i'm i have i've i've been depressed all day

they talk about you i've been depressed all day so if this is slamming me i'll take it it's not simon but it's going to

add on to my depression it's not slamming you dress is this slamming him no pricing look at this they talk about you i'm

like blaney just walked into this room with magnum p.i there was somebody else that was famous in in that scene there

was that ken jong the guy from the hangover that's right that's right and there was um

[Laughter]

hey man it was great seeing magnum p.r dude hey let me tell you something can i say something right now

you know that ken did the show right i know but they think it's you no they think it's

no way they think it's you the reason why did you do magnum pi i swear to god he did it when i sort of

got it google it did can do magnum i swear to god he did the reason why i did it and i can talk to listen

right let's call gene hong okay call him gene hong is the producer

of magnum pi one of them okay and i'll call him right now okay okay and you're gonna look like a

[ __ ] fool right now i didn't put that clip because he's really mentioning ken jung in it

and so why would that be a slam on me

okay buddy hey gene this is i'm i'm on my podcast bad friends real quick and um i just have to ask you a question

okay was did ken jung did magnum pi before i was on it right

yeah there we go that's all i wanted but thank you so much but but but whose performance was better ken or bob

no don't say this this performance was better ken or bobby i love you g gene gina i'll talk to you later i love you

thank you i'll talk to you later you you're so how funny is that bit now let's play

it again all right you try to slam me that wasn't

me yeah i have nothing to do with the clip yeah it's like if if bill burr did magnum pi

right and you did it before him and some guys i saw andrew santino on the show how the [ __ ] would that first of all

yeah neither bill nor myself would do magnum p.i

what's so funny what did that tickle your fancy bones yes

first of all i'd be lucky to be on magnum piano it's a great piece of television and i think you do a great job every time you're every time you're

on the show every time you're on the show you kill it i love the way that backfired yeah it feels so good way to ruin a bid

for the show what do we what the [ __ ] did you want me to do go along with it uh-huh no i will not now that's a good

fight back it was a good fight back i'd rather win to get laughs

to win right yeah an argument for you that's been your fault yeah yeah and i love that back for it on you and let's

just sit on that for a second let's sit on the fact let's send it out yeah yeah yeah you did you did a bit right no that's not me i'm

sure you're doing it right and it backfired in your stupid redheaded face

i'm thinking my best take off your vest yeah oh i love it i love it jules got into uc riverside

let's give it up for jew clap the boat clap the boat and what other schools are you applying to

um there's still a lot i'm still waiting for um what are you where's the one you want to go to jules what's the one that

you're like i really want to get into um i'm waiting for long beach but i've heard that there's a lot of peop

students who have long beach state yeah rejected the dirt bags that's what they're called the dirt bags

do you know that yeah the pyramid you're gonna get in you're so smart you're gonna get it you're gonna get

weird it's not even my kid but i feel like she's a part of my family and so now i get a little anxious about her getting into school really it just feels

oh i want her to win write a letter to this any school that she oh yeah can we do that what if we do

a video submission to your school yeah can we do that i don't know what up long beach state

how i mean can we can we help in any way i don't know no they don't give a [ __ ] about us i like to promote a new podcast

that's one of the reasons why that's like my favorite role play is always 1800's because before that they didn't

use their hands everything was like bobbing for apples you do century based wait you do century-based role-playing

yeah you have to really go back in time you look at you look like you look at the whole stretch of history and then

you choose a point in time and then you use that as as you know a jump off historical

historical rules you have to do research beforehand okay it's one of my favorite new podcasts it's called bloodbath

kalila annie letterman and esther pavitsky yeah do a great show called bloodbath i openly said how much i liked

it on my show i like it a lot and i like their chemistry yeah so please tune in tune in and watch it yeah um it's

actually very good i said to kyla i thought it was very good and the and the one the one there's one thing i don't

like about it what do you think of that is george yeah yeah the fact that he has anything to do with that is annoying to me well what's annoying about george is

is that he's well let's go down the list well i'll tell you let's start i have a big list so you do

one i'll do one you do one i'll do one go let's go as fast as we can go well no because i have to when i say his

face go ahead oh that's a good one um he's his laugh go ahead deceiver

um an opportunist manipulator opportunistic uh not as tall as he says he is yeah um

two two left feet yeah two left nuts uh blind in his left eye yeah um

aneurysms fake wife yeah paid for wife bad breath go

[Laughter] hey did you see the heavens gate documentary have we talked about that yet no

you know what heaven's gate is no you don't know what heaven's gate is i know what the gate would be when i get

to heaven i know what that is i know i know but there was the group of people it was a cult okay it was a cult of people right and

in the 90s they were found somewhere in san diego right yeah they

were all they had all committed suicide this is it is this the kool-aid no they so they thought that so there

was a there was a comet coming i think it was haley's comment right haley's comment right and so they thought that that they were all going to kill that in

themselves right and then they were gonna enter a spaceship that was at the end of haley's comet

right oh wow right and then they were gonna go to heaven that way right but it's been a cult that's been around

since the 70s how did they kill how do they suicide each other they drank some sort of potion oh kool-aid that was the

whole thing yeah it was kool-aid but then they had all they all had nikes on why they loved it and they also had a

they also had a roll of coins like quarters cortez they wore cortez yeah they had quarters

did they not have quarters yeah i forget what the quarters were for i think it's in heaven uni and then they

all have to they all there's vending machines yeah like to get into heaven and then also um you need a roll of

quarters to get into heaven what an insane idea i know but they had it right and then they also frustrated themselves

it's good to see you much castrated themselves do you have the role of quarters they all castrated themselves yeah yeah

so they all cut off their genital they cut

what do they call that that's castrated they're they're nut sack that's castrated yeah when you cut off your

source of reproductives and but one of them why would you imagine someone saying to

get into heaven you have to cut off your nuts i know what would you say i'm going to hell three guys cut off my [ __ ] no no

no no three guys who had been a part of the cul for many many years yeah went

that's the line yeah i'm in but i'm out yeah yeah i'm gonna keep my balls yeah let me have my balls right but

so but one of the guys like imagine if they said they were gonna lop off one of your boobs what would you if they say you can get ultimate freedom in heaven

but they're gonna lop off a boob what would you say i'll ignore them yeah but would you still stay in the cold

i wouldn't be in a cult you would you're in one now you're in one now this is called the bad friend

says without a doubt you're one of the leaders no yeah by the way when she squints her eyebrows

and says no it's so funny with us that's that's what i look like every day of my life yeah oh right there the big

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friends it's just why do these cults have to have so many weird rules to get into have we i saw the thing

there was a thing online maybe vice did a whole thing about the woman um mother god do you know the mother god

do you know this woman look up mother god this woman here who's like an alcoholic and it's here i think it's here in l.a

like mother gr do mother god call yeah that's it cult leader this this woman bonk absolute bonkers

out of her mind and she says she's the reincarnation of god a million times over she's like a alcoholic and these

people bought into this [ __ ] and you you listen to some of these interviews you can't believe

yeah intellectual people would do it because they're educated like they're adults

and they got sucked in and i don't know you there's no way to know how i don't know how they get how do you

think what's the thing that gets people into these things it's well usually cults get people when trauma yeah when

somebody is in a crossroads in their life like for instance like my girl i've caught my girlfriend

cheating on me right and she just broke up with me right and then the next day and then you pray no this is real they

pray like to god or whatever like please give me a sign right and then the next

day some guy with like alien ears shows up at your door and goes you know

yes yes will you please join michael yes and they're they think that that's a sign

from god right that they should do it you can look for a sign can be anything i can name you ten things that happened

today that if you wanted them to be assigned they would be a sign yeah but that that's my whole point i do

i do believe coincidence happens for a reason no cut it out will you you

bob no i do believe that you believe in fate or you believe in coincidence coincidence and fate are two different

things for a reason so you believe in fate i do you tell you a story

yeah i'm putting my seatbelt no it's a it's not a funny story what what is it though but can i just tell you what my

point ask rudy rudy may yeah why why

why there's just no enthusiasm at all

i'm rudy ask me if you can tell the story can i tell a story please yeah

so unhappy i'm not gonna tell the story now that sucks no please tell it all right

so this is why i believe this is gonna so when i um

when i was 17 years old people know my story but when i was 17 years old i got sober yeah and i went to this place

called the mcdonald center which is a rehab from from modern i

think ronald mcdonald the mcdonald mcdonald's foundation does four yeah they do that right yeah but i never saw a clown all right so

they didn't serve [ __ ] mcdonald's i don't think anybody thinks that they

just [Laughter]

if you look at my instagram early on in my instagram there's a photo of me when i the first day i was at the

mcdonald's they're wearing my um fatigues not fatigue what do they call them um fatigues like army non-fatigue

what do you call them the uh medical like a gown like a gown oh wow i was wearing like a medical clinic why do

they put you in that you can't just do regular clothes huh no in the beginning they no because it's a hospital it was a

scripps hospital right oh scripps yeah so i'm like in terms of i'm really sick i'm detoxing

yeah right so there's a photo of me just you know i mean i'm here you know what i mean dude how funny you're detoxing all like twerking

out in the background ronald mcdonald's like hey [Laughter]

yeah yeah mcdonald's mcdonald's wants to help you get solder yeah that's working out and drooling yeah so

then um so you go to sleep i go there and i you know i meet this um

korean man because when i was in rehab i said um

there aren't i've been to a meeting i lied and i said you know you never see asians you never see asians in recovery

so what what you know i mean i don't think that i am one what do you mean you don't i don't think i'm a drug addict right right i was

using all these you know excuses yeah defense mechanisms correct and um so one day this guy shows up and he's

wearing he has tattoos to his wrists uh-huh right and he had an accent because he came

here when he was 14 years old from korea because hi

that's the way and that's i'm your sponsor

and he saved my life you don't get to pick your sponsor this time i didn't he he showed i didn't he didn't say

he it was just like i could have said no but i just said yeah i think this is

that's not that that's not the question was he scary though at first he was yeah he had white hair yeah but you know he like he became it

looked like yeah like a mortal kombat yeah and he um really came my father you

know like a father figure he saved my life like when i was 17 i had missed so much school right that

my senior year i got sober and i came back and they were like you have to take a zero period a lunch period and night

classes for you to graduate there's no way you can do it so i call down i'll do another year and dan goes no

you're doing it so i show up zero period lunch period and i did all that yeah and i graduated

yeah with my class okay and then i got out of that i got out of high school and you know

i would go to meetings use my sponsor this and that and then what ended up happening was i started doing stand-up

when i was 23 years old in la jolla right at the store at the store and i

stopped going to meetings so i just slowly lost all their numbers

you just stopped talking i started talking i stopped going to meetings and i just started just show business

was it all i did was hang out with the shores or you know i mean did open mics you

know i mean it was everything yeah and i did that for many many years it got to the point where i didn't even

see myself i wasn't drinking or doing drugs but i didn't even see myself as a

drug addict or alcoholic anymore okay just a performer yeah and i had nothing it was just like something of my past

when i was a young guy right right so then when i i got my tv i relapsed

okay for the from the celebration yeah what it's from the celebration no from

the i hated it the stress and the pressure because when i showed up at mad tv the first thing one of the producers

said is i just don't think that you're funny right he called me in his office and he goes i don't think that you're funny what's his name i'm not gonna say

his name what's his name all right we'll talk to you later no but he said he doesn't think you're funny call him the [ __ ] out who is he where the [ __ ] is he

now no because where the [ __ ] is he now he he's a big producer oh he is on what

what are you getting so angry about telling you a [ __ ] story i don't like him talking [ __ ] i know so he goes i don't think you're funny i don't think

you're right for the show and when he said that i just you know it just and i could see like his

group of writers and whatever not write me [ __ ] right and there were many shows where i couldn't even get on right

it was just terrible so i just did drugs right so two years on that show i did drugs right and then they fired me

okay and i ended up right in some detox back in san diego

right back where i started okay i didn't have a car and also it was one

of those hippie places where they only fed you like organic foods no meat and

wheatgrass like a wheatgrass farm whether you had to put kalon wheatgrass colonic in your ass and i was detox of a

viking and so i'd wake up like shaking with green [ __ ] wheatgrass squirting

out of my [ __ ] in a bathroom completely naked shaking with no like medical there was no medical it was a

hippie farm there was no medical facility right and i just knew that i just needed something

you know i mean i needed a recovery like a real recovery so one night i [ __ ]

escaped right i i had a little bit of money and

it was two in the morning i had to climb a 50-foot wall like like a old-school

wall in a forest right what's so funny it's just what it is it's crazy it's a facility with 50-foot

wall yeah it was like a night it was in the forest right right i climbed this wall and i ran down

like three miles down the field right and i see

like a freeway and then beyond the freeway i see vaughn's

a grocery store yes 24 hours right so i run it i run into this vons and i'm

dirty you know i mean i'm wearing like a hospital garb on right

and i i'm in the fruit section of course where else would you be right

to get an apple right i pick up an apple i get a tap on my shoulder

it's dead no no it's dan's friend

[Laughter]

sorry the perfect part of that story would be it's dan no it's dan's friend

somebody that knows dan sorry go ahead and finish yes a green apple or a red apple by the way a red one yeah i like

delicious fuji fuji food oh delicious yeah like red delicious so i turn around like and he goes eat me

will he and i kind of vaguely remember him and i go oh [ __ ]

you're dan's friend you know yeah i'm sober that's how i knew him from sobriety sure

and he goes it's so weird that you're here because this is what he said he goes i was speaking at a meeting in

arizona right and i was driving down the aid

right and something told me to pull over here

like at the grocery store yeah there's no reason why i'm here i go oh that's weird he goes

and i see you and i go oh and he goes you want dan's number

so he gives me dan's number right the next day dan and all my old a people

right start picking me up from this place to take me to meetings wow okay

so that's why i believe in i believe in coincidences

wow yeah and it saved my life i got so i i i stayed sober for 17 years after that

wow do you want to get us i had to throw in a choke

can i tell you mike i no i i know it's actually a beautiful story can i i no i believe in i believe in certain

things i don't understand why the universe throws stuff at us i'll tell you one but i'm going to keep it

private be for the sake of the person that the story is about but the girl a girl that my high school girlfriend

um i hadn't spoken to her obviously and god knows how long right i was going to do a gig and i flew this

was like um marco island florida remember marco island the gig you know yeah that gig yeah yeah i always said no to that gig

yeah i said yes a lot and i needed it yeah and i flew into miami and then i drove i was rented a

car to drive there yeah and on the way i thought oh we

i lost my virginity in marco island florida to my high school girlfriend really swear to god uh-huh and so on the way

there did it feel good no no i cried the whole time and on the way there um for some reason

in my head i was like i should give her a call i haven't talked to her in so long but i was like actually i don't have her number on my phone it's been

20 some odd years i remember her phone number i don't i can't tell you how i can't

tell you why i don't remember anybody's phone number i don't know i remembered her phone number wow it came to me i

called her phone number and and she picked up which was even crazier like on the second ring and she

said what's up and i said i'm not making a joke can i just add something something real quick we'll go ahead if

you're making this up i'm going to be very furious i swear to god in my life i'm not okay i'm just saying at the end if you're go if you go gotcha right no

it's going to make me very here i promise i'm not all right go ahead [Laughter]

i swear to god i'm not it's actually swear to god it's actually not a happy ending all right so you so i called her it's not a

happy ending so i called and she picked him and she was like oh my god how are you so good to hear from you it's been so many i said yes i just

wanted to say hi it's just crazy doing this gig of marco we you know it was so weird i was thinking oh god about

high school and she said oh i thought she's like i thought you called me because you knew

i was like what do you mean she's like do you talk to anybody from home like when i not re and i don't really from high school not really

and she said oh um i have cancer i swear to god i'm not making a joke

bobby and i don't know why i'm smiling because you think i'm coming with a curveball yeah

and i said really and she said yeah you know and it's i can live with it and all the stuff bob i'm not

and she said i can live with it it's not going to be life ending but it's i thought that's why you called and something in the universe had told me

to call yeah so my point is i i somewhat believe in it too because i was like why

would i call her yeah something was like give her a call and then did you wish did you help her

out in any kind of way did nothing there's nothing i could do but i but we talked for a while and it was kind of nice that i would like we had this

reconnection yeah but i thought it was so strange because why i would have never

called her otherwise it was just like it was i would never then when i said when we said earlier do

you believe in coincidences does that come you went the other way yes it's for the show just for oh for company

oh for comedy yeah but but how crazy though right like that is crazy no okay so i don't i believe in

um i believe in sometimes the universe will send you these weird small things and you either do them or or you totally

ignore them but they may not always be come to fruition have you ever had that root have you ever had something give

you like a signal to do something and then you you adhere to it or you're just so anti-everything

you're such an angsty little titan i know she's getting worse as time goes on yeah no but um at the kaleila and tituba

we were talking about my real dad and then after two weeks he called

after many years and then yeah that that's the only thing that was a coincidence they were talking about him

and he called yeah and that's kind of creepy yeah so like because you hadn't talked to him for how long

i talked to him when i was 10 and then he ignored me again

what do you mean like you would call him and he wouldn't reach out back to you yeah yeah that's so mean so mean it's your kid i know

well and why though why was he is he he had another family yeah oh yeah

[Music] oh don't say that well if they're better they're better but they were better obviously

wait he had another family in korea yeah wow how many kids two kids do you know who

they are at all no no never met him so when we i remember bringing it up i was out of the blue because i think i was like i know

what popped in my head but i was like i knew giovanni her stepdad i love that guy you know giovanni is he

italian no no that's just you know giovanni's filipinos they have strange names that's an italian name yeah

she names like x pro and they have like names that shouldn't what are they named after golf balls what is it yeah no they

have like names like um guy lithium crystal would be a name i mean

i'm gonna be real they just where do they get these names campfire they just take an english word yeah yeah you could

you literally can call some hey what's up campfire he's like oh hey hey yeah so he's my brother so i always

thought to myself i go well if and then i found out that giovanni you know what i mean

giovanni rubici is for stuff right right and i go um what happened to you really i asked and we talked about her real debt and all of

a sudden a couple weeks later he called out of nowhere i talked to my real dad my biological

father a couple days ago because my grandfather died two days ago are you happy

no i feel sad about it he did he passed away he was a great man was passed away

dominic how did he die gunned down no no how did he die don't

make it a joke he got into a fist fight oh 92.

he got into the way he got into a fist fight yeah over a parking spot

it's so funny he's 92 he how do you think he died yeah yeah yeah yeah can you i can't believe

you know i talked to him i talked to him this is true we went out to palm springs on

saturday and i s i talked to him uh on saturday and i went to palm springs

and i got to tell you there is something we're getting very serious on this podcast for some reason

there is some rudy there's something about when somebody

knows they're gonna die that they talk differently do you understand what i mean by that no i don't

he sounded different like my dad did the same thing he sounded that sad huh i

think i'm gonna die i'm like he's that's different he just

sounded he sounded um dude he sounded like it was like a a

high amount of clarity if you understand what i mean by that but was he like was he analyzing his life was he well

you know his kids were there with him all the time right my dad and brothers and sisters there but i think he was just

like really excited and happy to have like so much family around him during a shitty time yeah that i think you physically feel and you emote

differently but when you spoke on the phone you wouldn't have told you wouldn't have been able to say this guy's gonna die

you'd be like he's like he's in a great [ __ ] mood yeah but check this out if i was dying yeah i was an old man yeah

soon and i knew it was soon and i knew i was going to die right and i could just kind of like

you might not 100 believe you're going to die right but then in your head you must think it's a possibility because

you're old you got to know you got to know and if i had friends and family around right i wouldn't talk to juliana

this one the same way as i do right right like [ __ ] clean that or pick that up you know

who you talking to you know that kind of thing i would probably say stuff like you know what jules um

it's been a real pleasure you would yeah and i you know i'm so glad i met you because family matters

yeah and i would say that to everyone around me i would go even you i'd be like you know aside from all the yeah no

i'll tell you what i would say what you're on your death bed right now do it lay down like lay down like you're on

your deathbed there there it is i would say this i would say um

you know andrew growing up i always felt different and i you know even when i had

friends i just didn't really completely identify with them and um

as i get as i got older and i followed my dreams as a comic and stuff like that i felt like i met my people

and um you know when i met you you know it it literally felt like i had

known you all my life and that you are you you and i are like um

you know souls that knew each other in previous lives that's what it felt like and i just want to say that it was a real play and i also think that that

you're a really a talented guy and it makes me feel you know it makes me feel talented that

people like you right talented people you may want to be around me and work with me and working with you was a

pleasure i learned a lot and i have to say man i love you i love you too i

would say something like that that's so nice how does it feel i mean it like moved me

no now i challenge you to say something as moving i'm on my

deathbed yes i challenge you yeah you walk into my hospital room but but try to be real cause i was that's

what i would really say andy

hey [ __ ] dude it's me bob

hi bob bob thanks for coming

it's been so long we recorded two weeks ago what do you i know

i can't believe you let jules drive and [Laughter] she hit me so hard for the prius

but it's okay i forgive her and i want to take this moment to say say what i want to say to you

bobby bobby you

light up my life you give me let me have my [ __ ]

moment sorry bobby just a breakthrough bobby yeah go ahead

i'm here i've always thought that you were

i'm gone by then you're gone yeah yeah i faked it no i mean already okay honestly this is

what i really would say to you you know it can i just you know what i said so insulting and i would say to you be real

you know what i say to you yeah go ahead you're all right kid

you're right you don't have it in you i would say you really you you really i would say you don't have it i would say thank you

to be real and heartfelt no because yours was so nice we are gonna play

a quiz game again uh trivia about saint patrick's day yeah of course because i

and i if i don't win this yeah i'm going to be so pissed off what about it's best i mean it's uh first to

what three five five five so and you guys i don't

know anything i'll ask a question i don't know anything about saint paul yes you do we've talked about it on the show before i have you know i don't know the

history i don't know where it's from i don't know why they're doing it well it's from ireland you know that okay well uh i can we can do a trial round if

you guys no just know there's no way to play it yeah okay so we're gonna start with rudy rudy

wait wait wait you don't ask the question we all but what's the buzzer's number then because you guys can still if she

doesn't know the answer you guys can fight too still rudy of which country is saint patrick the

patreon saint ireland correct one point for rudy

it's like he sets it up for her just to win every time

what did sam patrick believe a shamrock represent it

luck you don't have to buzz oh that's not correct read the question again

what did sam patrick believe as shamrock represented okay

the father son and the holy ghost correct the holy trinity

the holy trinity okay hell yeah i got a stolen point from bob now it's my question yes andrew

god bless by the way god bless what are the odds of finding a fort leaf clover what are the odds of finding a

four-leaf clover you know one one in one in a hundred thousand

bubby zero percent they're they don't exist okay rudy they do they do yeah what kind

of question is it i don't know um

i don't know let me answer it again no you did one you're done she has to go one and four

no that no okay one in five thousand

no but you are closer it's one in ten thousand so we're gonna give it to you two point rudy [ __ ] you andres spanish

[ __ ] rudy okay which u.s city dices river green annually to celebrate

saint patrick's day um

i don't know san francisco she has to answer she just did san francisco yeah

bobby philadelphia no okay we're out of time nobody no it's

mine i get to answer sorry chicago illinois chicago i get to [ __ ] give me the points

you'll get it yes i [ __ ] do [ __ ] you we that's what this is all about i got it andres

you know i did well yes but it got in late you know what the [ __ ] do you mean

what the [ __ ] do you mean if they don't get it right then we get a chance to answer and he doesn't you know

what that's true he gets it no but you go ahead do it again bobby

what are the three colors of the irish flag white green and orange

correct yes you don't need a buzz oh i don't oh well i get a point yes okay you have one

okay andrew how many churches and cathedrals are named after saint patrick in ireland oh my god [ __ ] you

[ __ ] you um

112. bobby 312.

2 000. okay i don't think i'm you guys get this point sixty

sixteen i'm closest yeah he gets two off too off

chew off dude i'm gonna [ __ ] call ice on you i'm gonna call [ __ ] ice

you're going back to spain [ __ ] you keep he's got [ __ ] attitude do you notice that it's it's insane he's

gonna get fired how do i call ice can you call go ahead keep rudy okay fill in the blank

blank me i'm irish

blank me i'm irish you have to feel that fill in the fill out the blank part

what call i'm actually calling george george

me i'm irish george me i'm irish god you are so dumb

[ __ ] me i'm all right no it's kiss me i'm iron i literally just called ice the homeland

security line yeah i'm getting you deported dude andres you've got the point andrew yeah

but i've had [ __ ] eight points go ahead and and you're and you said we're tied all right

two you're winning by a lot no three two two you're winning buy more though you're not now keep

going i got chicago i got the holy trinity you too late bobby thank you according to the legend

what animal did sam patrick chase out of ireland a troll

no okay don't stop that or i'm gonna leave go ahead

rudy a rabbit snakes

yes yeah you know i'm getting all these right andrew yeah

what year did the annual shamrock ceremony in the white house start

1976. 1980 1974.

[ __ ] you correct good really really good guess rudy

[Laughter] all right enough enough somebody has to

clean that okay yeah they do oh yeah bobby [Laughter]

what city in the sin look santo nino festival held every year

what city is the cinco what is it sinolog synalogue cinelog

what sinolog santo sila silo cillolon santo

[Music] correct so annoying he does questions just for

her can we do a competition right now that's not [ __ ] uh saint patrick's day really st patrick's

day i know but let's just do another one about like godzilla or something that we might want to what about star trek yeah

let's do one on star trek well i'm never gonna get anything right i don't know

how many movies uh are in the star trek franchise oh my god it's so hard

seven no there's way more including next generation yes okay

nerd this is such nerd [ __ ] i'm drinking another beer i would say

ten it's probably twelve no eleven well rudy's the closest thirteen i told

you i said i should have said twelve and this is it so rudy wins okay good

thank you for being a bad friend [ __ ] you i'm done thank you for being a bad friend i guess that's that

[Music]

hey i'm doing a couple of dates okay uh i'm filling out the calendar a little bit for the fall but right now i've got salt

lake city which is almost all sold out if not sold out we're adding shows and also uh addison improv which is one

of your favorites i love close near dallas people like guzu oh four for girl if you can drive there go to

andrewsantino.com for tickets andrewsantino.com for those tickets

[Music]