Ying, Yang, Yong | Ep 175 | Bad Friends

hey everybody hey we're on tour in the fall in the fall we're gonna be in Rochester New York yeah baby then we're

coming to Northfield which is Cleveland Ohio Homestead peninsulas Homestead Pennsylvania we're doing two shows

that's basically Pittsburgh the first one sold out come to The Late Show then where do we go Boston Mass and we are in

Boston Massachusetts D.C Washington DC Denver Denver Colorado

Milwaukee Wisconsin then Chicago my hometown Minnesota Minneapolis Minnesota

the Twin Cities and we end it all in Madison Wisconsin

we're adding dates as we go badfriendsbad.com

who are these two idiots [Music]

or something we're bad friends yeah it's funny I'm not I'm like I've always been

I've never looked at a cop in the ice you can't when they pull me over I'm always you know what you do is you look

at their ear what yeah I always look at their right ear look at me I'm looking at your ear right now so you're the cop

yeah right so this is what I do go ahead you know why I pulled you over no

whoa see I gotta tell you I don't know if it's your eyes but it's work I can't tell what you're looking at exactly this

is amazing it's amazing maybe it's your eyes let me do it to you let me see yeah

I don't know what do they say cops say stuff like okay yeah um

do you know why I pulled you over um

I've never seen a little Korean cop before I'm out of here oh wow gone you'd

be gone yeah I'm gone in a heartbeat you're not getting me I've been pulled over by mostly Asian cops in Southern

California we got a lot a lot look up look at look it up I think actually the majority of cops in Southern California are Mexican I think it's like 54 Latino

well it says the majority of California is Mexican well no [ __ ] fancy

and you whenever an Asian couples move her I'm I mock them look it's like they're chasing you Asians only Asians

only make up 10 of police officers so when they go you know why I pulled you over I go do you know I always do that and I always get a

ticket he goes dude he stutters dude

you know why I pulled you over yeah give me the ticket yeah and in the back I'm in the back seat I come in I go

21 okay 61 of federal law enforcement officers were white you got to do California you got to do California what

percentage of cops are Mexican in California I guarantee you the whites are the scariest cops no no no no oh

yeah dude oh yeah for me growing up whites were always the scariest cops because what you were in San Diego in

Poway there's a [ __ ] saying what is it I don't know it

I know there is but generally what the saying is is that they pull you over more than off more often than not

is that the same you know those white cops they're gonna they pull you all up well often a lot although I haven't been

pulled over in LA in 12 years what I've not been pulled over in 12 years

what is last time you got pulled over it was a couple years ago in Arkansas

here in in L.A I said never you've never been pulled over in L.A

listen to me don't know either yeah what's going on with you I don't know because since I've been here you've been

acting aloof and I feel like another Doc's happening wait a minute oh do you have beef with him yeah is there a dog

beef going on because it's like I need to know he knows what he's doing oh what do I know what I'm doing I have a theory

what's a theory I think over the tour Bobby and I became very close and I think I don't I you know I'm longer than

me but I think he's scared of how close we got and I think now he's actively

trying to push me away and you do that do you think you do that

do you think you push people away they get too close is that a pattern with it I think I do

yeah yeah is that the comedy we've gone through huge waves of being close not talking being close yeah well it's

happening to me now and I hate it what can I say this welcome to the club kid when I'm coming to the club who am I

with sometimes no one and is that am I the rudest then

you lately I feel like I'm more rude when I'm with somebody that's I will say that but okay you're

always rude lately in what way though

you make it like uh don't look at me oh no like like you don't want me looking at you and do I say to you don't look at

me sometimes I do yeah yeah I'll walk up to you and go hey man just

for the tonight don't look at me or you look really fake and you smile really vague no that's real and you go you

don't have to [ __ ] tell people telling me that my [ __ ] Smiles are [ __ ] fabricated and not real let's go

through yeah this is the smile I give her that's real

that looks pretty real to me yeah look I won the lottery

oh he won yeah I won you were also holding a knife up to my neck I would

never do that all right say hi to me and I'll say hi in with a smile tell me if this is fake or real hey Andrew hey

was that real that's real for me that's just about as real as yeah yeah when I see you that's what I do then I

apologize I'm misreading the situation and uh you know what you're right I

should I should check my behavior I've been at the club twice about the Improv and the story and I see you either in

the corner of my eye or on the lineup and I just don't say hi to you anymore whoa you this is weird I didn't know

this was going on I was out and about I haven't I haven't been around in a while so I don't know what's going I didn't know that there was a little bit of his

undercurrents are you Danny Zuko in her yeah oh [ __ ]

you mean from the movie The Grace Psalm 11. that's my favorite lyric yeah yeah

having some buns having some fun dude bon bons look Danny zuke by the way yeah what a babe that's what you're doing

you're Zuko in here yeah yeah well I mean because we're no longer in the summer we had a great no we're back at

school and we're back at school Danny Zuko is you know you realize we're in the middle of summer right now yeah but

when I say summer I mean the tour okay the tour was summer like like in Greece

and now we're inside and now we're in school and we're back in classical going to The Comedy Store it's like a school yeah right

and so I'm too cool for school for you yeah so funny this feels like Mean Girls where you're like you're like talking

[ __ ] about her at right after you hang out because I don't want a cone to happen yeah but I'm getting rest in peace by the way Macon he died he sure

did [Laughter] so I apologize and I'm going to be more

mindful about how I treat you wow and I will you know those fake Smiles I'm gonna keep doing them because that's how

I feel you don't have to fake smile to me okay in fact I love you so much if it is

a status thing for you for me to socialize with you amongst your friends I'll hide in the corner I think he's

just being Ultra sensitive yeah I'm being an appropriate I think she think it's appropriate reaction yeah what do you think we are I think we're

friends what do you think it is I don't think it's friends are you talking about YouTube no just in general Jewel Jesse

well I guess that says it all yeah yeah surrogate I think Jesse is um

a viewer like a daughter I thought you're gonna say a dog a dog daughter kind of like a dog yeah a dog daughter

right also you're an employee that's it you're an employee yeah right so I'm

Connor your boss no you're literally her boss I'm literally her boss so it's like how do you treat your employees how do

you treat your your your employee who's also like your daughter like [ __ ] oh [ __ ] dude wait wait wait

wait stop family business you think I treat you like [ __ ] you think I treat you like [ __ ] no I wasn't talking about

her okay good good it's so funny to have you yell at him in a clip going you think I treat you like [ __ ]

you don't you don't treat her like [ __ ] either no no you don't there's nobody gets treated like [ __ ] in here except

for when Carlos yeah yeah because he's a [ __ ] human well I know he's a good guy

but Jess can I say this yeah yeah if you came up to me

in life and whatever you needed I would provide for you even like a hello no not that no

but if you're like you mean something real my toes fell off why are your toes falling off where are

you I'm just trying to create some sort of like physical thing that could I get it but I like it no but like you know you got black towels

careful I don't know what I'm saying is is that careful I'm not like James Baldwin black toes you know I mean his

black feet like black face if you put on black is that bad I can dance now

yeah when white people go to Antarctica and they're if and they get black feet from the [ __ ] you don't mean snow

Yeah they should get canceled those aren't your toes man that's [ __ ]

black though if you have black hands look up look up frostbite hands yeah yeah when they have that and they come back we should publicly cancel that yeah

yeah it's insane wow it's insane that this happens by the way I know that you're out there long enough to lose your fingers I know why would you ever

do that well maybe you're stranded that's look at how many times it's on the internet these people aren't all

stranded so why do people do get why do they get black toes though in anyway if you were in The Comedy Store what why do

you get black toes from frostbite yeah what is it what's that about it's dead it died you're like the nurse like

there's no blood circulating and then do you have to chop them off or does it fall off automatically I mean if they're

they're usually not fixable when it's at that degree they just they have to cut them off it's a gangrene

I guess yeah that's this yeah it's got to go hey yeah that's what they say they walk in they go Gotta Go is it green

gangrene or is it just an arbitrary it's like a it's like a shade of green because if it's purple we're making no

sense purple green yeah no like game purple go ahead did you watch it did you

watch Indy new Indiana Jones are you not going to go see it I've never I honestly can I say something you've never seen

the original I've never seen any Indiana Jones not what in my life I know what it

is he's a professor or something right wait a minute oh I've never seen Raiders the Lost Stars I don't know why but as a

kid I thought it was more of a um historical kind of movie of all people like [ __ ] I don't believe it I've

never seen Indiana Jones I know what it is he's real I know what it is he's real

ask me questions I know what it is there's a boulder because it's in pop culture like you and it's like you know

he knows a Harry Potter I know Boulders I know that he has a whip from the posters what does he do that with

slaves there's really I know it's not about slaves he owns slaves that's what the

whip is for an Indiana Jones whoa yeah that's why Indiana the Midwest

South Indiana no I stopped because I know that Short Round is a character right which is like the guy that was in

uh yeah right um and he's in that new movie my point is is that no he owns slaves and I still think I saw a clip of

them I don't know well tell me about is it

good though it's [ __ ] amazing how many of there's like 20 movies though right or so there's like 20 of them there's like five four or five yeah um

can I watch this one and not watch the other ones yes I'm sure they're not watch it I'm sure many people they've

done this because this is so long ago now I'm sure they making it where you can see anything but Sean Connery is in

in the other one he's in the third one he plays his father are you [ __ ] kidding me

he does not believe him but yes he does what do you think the Temple of Doom is about

holy [ __ ] that's a movie what do you think it's about well I mean just based on the word right there's a temple no that's what people

would think really no Temple it's this Temple oh the body's a temple it's your brain right and inside your body is bad

things going on Doom yeah Doom and Gloom dude right right so it's a guy oh Temple

of Dune is the enemy in the movie and in the enemy is who

oh so Indiana Jones is the Temple of Dune

Dune is a different movie it is yeah yeah no I don't do it I like to I like

anything sci-fi my point is that so the Temple of Dune is really a reflection of Indiana Jones own body so it's happening

within himself it's a very introspective film whoa there's no Adventure I thought it was Adventure no low action high high

introspective weird visuals there's like a 10 minute scenery whips himself but

no way does it sound like it's a hit it doesn't sound like a real thing first of all yeah he's hitting himself he's being

forced to do this like from outside voices he's hearing voices he's schizophrenic he's short round his son

because I just seen is he how many movies is he in Short Round is literally in the first two seconds in the film

he's the cab driver each movie starts with him not coming in

off a Plane off a military plane and short round picks him up from the thing every movie picks him up yes

really yes great to see you Indy Indy Indy and then he drops him off but he knows who he is because he's famous he's

a famous slave owner Indiana Jones oh he had Asians too yes when he was the

best wait what slaves do you think he had the black guy ones no Asians it was all Asian slaves there's Asian slaves in

Indiana back in the day where do you think you guys got your start here in the United States of the railroads where

do you think that went to oh yeah so which one did I start with

the first one I think mix it up I think go to see this one right now I feel like it's too late you know because I haven't

seen Back to the Future either okay it's too late now this we can't play out

on the [ __ ] Show No One's Gonna believe it I really haven't seen back in the future that you have how do you know

because because it's impossible no it is impossible it's not impossible

it is impossible to not have seen Back to the Future it's almost like one of those things it was like it chipped in our brain somehow yeah it's almost as

impossible that's not seeing Indiana Jones really hey yeah you're close to getting

fired you're getting fired yeah yeah yeah so um but I want to see the dial Destiny I do want to see it oh you

haven't seen it yet no why'd you bring it up I saw it because I was asking if you've seen it no wait you said it was amazing earlier no Indiana Jones was

amazing style of Destiny that's the new one oh I'd say I really want to see it but I'm also hesitant because I like the

original so much that I'm like is this gonna be yucky it is see he I know that's why I'm it was

bad wasn't it let me connect the magic is gone the magic is I have a trivia question damn it who is the uh you

probably already know this I'm going to ask you know you've seen the Indiana Jones who is the original person they wanted but he couldn't do it because he

was on another TV show do you know I do know yeah yeah oh um I yeah it was um Will Smith yep

you haven't seen it so how do you know if I'm wrong no she's right because he was shooting wild wild west when he got

asked no that was way too younger I'm not done buddy yeah Wild Wild West came out the exact same time

yeah imagine he'd be just as good Tom Selleck's the [ __ ] man yeah but it

took me still baseball that was one of my favorite movies of all time Mr Baseball Misa baseball what is it he's

like a hot shot look up Mr Baseball so you can see what it is look at me he's a hot shot MLB player who done is on the

end end of his ropes of his career and he sent he goes to play baseball in Japan falls in love with the base commissioner baseball's daughter almost

like a baseball oh it's an Asian movie yeah he plays okay he wanted nobby's in it yes dude it's such a good movie Mr

Baseball I love it you guys have never heard of this nobody Getty won a Nabi was in a movie called long uh 16 Candles

he played Long duk Dong that's right there's another movie called gung-ho and so when I was on Magnum once I asked um

can we get getting one not be for this one part and they got him so I got to work with them whoa and I sat with um

getting one Nabi for a week and I had peppermint with a question but it was really interesting I go you know because

you know Long duk Dong that character you know it's kind of had there's a backlash on that character because Asians are like well that was so

stereotypical this and that and then some actors even say like why would he do listen he's an actor every Asian

actor right in America vibe to get that part because it was the

only one available sure right yeah I would have been what's happening

I would have been like right

yeah I would [ __ ] the executive you know just to get that part what the [ __ ] you know so you know I look again I go get

it you know I get it you get it and congratulations for doing that role and you killed it he did he took what was

given and he [ __ ] killed it he did kill it yeah anyway would Japan should do a movie about sending shohei Otani

here no like a Sumo wrestle going to like Louisiana with fat white people oh that would be

insanely that'd be great yeah I mean Mr sumo

well look at this here Sumo dude that's what they should do to get revenge just

send a sumo wrestler to Louisiana yeah come on down come on down yeah and they could have like you know some fun times

but the sumo guy then he would slowly transition into being like a southern boy because he started falls in love with Japan really yeah he falls in love

with Japan he falls in love with a woman a sumo guy a white girl would go out with him or not would that believable

it'd be so funny that'd be so funny well could I be him yeah no you'd have to gain like 500 I'll do it for the [ __ ]

movie well then let's do it I want to punch you if it's a good if it's a 24 movie I would do it what would you

willing to do anything say it okay so I would do a24 yes hey man hey and you

know we don't we you know we're an organic company oh that I know yeah and that's method yeah yeah and um you know

we're doing a movie about one eye man about one eye man yeah one eye man oh wow it's based on one punch man but this

yeah it's one punch man is a very funny yeah a great animation movie right yeah there's a one eye man he has one eye

cool the white guy but he lives in post-apocalyptic Japan whoa what you have to lose an eye

you don't think we could CGI organic right we're natural let me just

pitch this yeah we put an eye patch over the eye that you want gone and we CGI no I okay let me think about it yeah

yeah yeah no no okay all right would you lose an eye it depends on how

much money it is 2 million no 10. if it's like 25 million

I would lose an eye okay that's weird because I just when I said 10 to you I thought you'd say yes because I said yes to 10 in my mind I'd lose an eye for 10.

10 million come on 25. because you're not gonna what

because after you hear that a24 I'll do it for Less

auditions does it have to have to 24 yeah it has to be a 24. but wait a minute well you're the audition now

you're the guy with one eye that's what I'm saying every audition you're like I'm not gonna get this no that's a good thing what diversity

Korean guy yeah oh they're out of here Jordan y'all you know I I never go out

anymore I only get delivery yeah and I go to doordash because it's the best guys they have the best options they're

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Bobby used to love that he doesn't wear anymore that I bought for one time yeah be prepared before the big day arrives stock up uh with on the go Breakfast

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off your first box box of awesome.com code bad friends right get me the one-eyed Korean guy

that's what they say and I could do like if they do a Korean Cyclops movie who else I could just do this you're a

Marvel Superhero they can move a tear you go from a24 cool Indie right to superhero Marvel movies yeah overnight

overnight yep right but can they move the eye to here yeah I think we'll have to right thank

you overnight you become a star that'd be great I saw a clip the other day that said Edward Norton said that he's never

made a dime doing Wes Anderson movies never once what are you talking you can Google it he said I think he's from

Moonrise Kingdom he made forty two hundred dollars total because if you know if you look at the asteroid City

you look at their past yeah I know every single one of their casts is a gigantic star who usually gets Millions for a

part right and I and you look at Wes Anderson movies what it does in the box office I love I've seen all of them but

they're not like you know what I mean they don't they're not they're not they're not much yeah they're not smashes so I I 100 agree but that's

crazy the 4200 for a whole or a whole film for a guy like that that's like a Woody Allen movies in the past and all

that yeah yeah now would be a lot cheaper to do Woody Allen I bet you he'd have to pay a lot of money

what he calls Bobby do you want would you like to be in one of my films if I

can play soon Yi only about two years

I don't feel that way about it yeah it is an interesting interesting question it's like I'm asking you as an actor

right too you know um and you too is um would you prefer to do a you know a

critically acclaimed movie that's gonna get Awards but you're only gonna make a couple of thousand dollars or some

trashy Blockbuster thing where you make 5 million 10 million and it doesn't get

any awards or Prestige see it's hard for that's hard for me because I don't care about the awards and the prestige I just

care that it's good I wanted I wish it could be good yeah but if you're telling me on the table is a [ __ ] Marvel

franchise that everyone's gonna laugh at me for the rest of my [ __ ] life are they well let's

no I don't think they will no I'm saying in this scenario let's just say it's a Marvel franchise and I'm not taking a

shot it's okay but like Ant-Man is kind of a bummer for Paul Rudd is such a

[ __ ] cool dude and not that ant-man's bad wasn't bad the last one was bad yeah

but I mean the franchising and of itself is kind of like yeah yeah ah yeah yeah no one's making fun of

[ __ ] Paulo because he's the [ __ ] he's the [ __ ] okay but I'm saying but doing like Ant-Man versus doing like everything everywhere all at once for

like no money at all literally like [ __ ] not making any money yeah I I probably [ __ ] do Ant-Man really

here's why here's why I'll tell you why I know why because a lot of a lot of those actors that you read about that do

those beautiful Indie movies they're [ __ ] they they're broke and they don't get any more work and people are

like wait didn't you make didn't you and they're like no after I got off that movie nobody gave me any [ __ ] money

the point of what's going on in our [ __ ] car in our business right now is because nobody's getting paid anymore yeah and the [ __ ] big cats up top are

keeping all the money so yeah I'm gonna steal the [ __ ] money from these scumbags oh they're robbing us our whole

career also I just did four independent comedy movies right you made 30 bucks

not just the 30 bucks yeah when you're shooting you can feel it yeah there's 15

guys in a little room no air conditioning right and you have [ __ ] corn nuts as that's the only thing you

get for your craft service right make no money you're there forever all day two

years ago I did Borderlands with all those Stars right I'm at the Four Seasons eating nice food the catering is

amazing I mean everything's amazing you feel right like oh my God you know I mean I'm a part of it even if you're

underpaid for that movie for Borderlands it's still all the perks are nice okay so I'm 50 50 because I agree sometimes

like I did curb you don't make any money on curb it was a dream of mine so it's like there's things that you want to do that are a dream but I don't want to

make a big career move for a dream because they're who knows if it'll pay off but that's why actors do both yeah

if you're lucky if you're lucky that's my point most people aren't lucky enough Tom Hanks can dip down and go I'll do

asteroid City no he's one of the only ones yeah he can do that when he's already like at the top it's like when

we've talked about this but like it's like when Jim and Carrie is like you know everything is fake and money means

nothing and life is fake and you're like yeah because you don't you haven't been to the

grocery store in 20 years go to go to I went to the hardware store

today yeah when you don't have to do those things you lose reality fast yeah when you I was on my roof today blowing

off the [ __ ] [ __ ] from my roof so I didn't ruin the the roof because it stains from the tree I was

up there in my neighbor was smoking pot and I'm that's me yeah Jim Carrey's not

on his roof blowing [ __ ] off I was at the coffee being earlier right I was sitting there waiting for my Vietnamese iced coffee and a guy came up to me and

he goes wait no Entourage I go who the [ __ ] do you think I am

yeah by the way yeah can we start bringing entourages somewhere yeah I will but like people that don't look like they should be our Entourage no I

wanna bring I know exactly who my crew is you have Carlos no I'm going to use Dan Ramos yeah I don't know who that is

yeah yeah yeah Dan Ramos is a Dan Ramos yeah he looks like a Filipino insect

get Ramos comedy this dude is has looks like he hasn't taken a shower

oh I know that guy yeah that guy I've seen him before the the second phone order to the left or left the second

photo to all far left far left far left down second row there you go down no no

not that one the one right next to that one the obvious one that we want to see that's great that's who he is I gotta

have him in my Entourage oh yeah who else do you need because people walk away you say a Filipino insect yeah

interesting why no it's accurate I don't even know what they look like but I imagine it looks like that yeah yeah I

love the Filipinos some yeah all so except for him yeah yeah I love him but

I'm just saying Who Would I bring along for the ride

well I I'm pretty sure there's a couple of shirt talkers shirt talkers okay what's that mean he

means white people shirt cockers shirt Tuckers and I didn't mean that white people yeah he does he's always

derogatory toward the white community no I'm not sure Tucker let me tell you something

Brothers we can't let this guy keep talking to us like this I'm not saying that next thing you know he's going to want to cut off our kids penises so let

me tell you something my brothers your friends I've seen some of them have golf shirts on and they tuck it into their

khaki pants never in a million years you couldn't even name one unless we were golfing yeah when have you ever seen me

golfing you've never seen me go I've seen you go in and out like from either you see me go to the golf course exactly

yeah in the attire and then after the attire sure but no friends you've never if you've seen your friends I promise

you I have where your your cousin my cousin yeah yeah he sometimes wears that

kind of clothes when we're golfing yeah I've never seen he's been to three of our shows on so I've never seen a shirt

tucked in but never because he needed to make it psyche though no it's not real you're making it up when we're golfing you tuck your shirt yeah yeah when

you're a golf I don't like it I know I get that you don't like order this guy never touched his shirt in no he doesn't

have a shirt he shouldn't be wearing a shirt in my Entourage would probably be

um I keep looking at that picture of you as an Indian AI that guy

honestly that guy I want Indian little people uh Indian little only Indian Little People in my own oh you have seen

wise yes a nobleman a nobleman passing through it would gracefully slowly right

and they're all they for some reason have candles of course they have two candles yeah but one of them only one of

them's lit oh one of them why some people question yep why why is only like a yin yang thing I love that you liking

Yang yeah yeah are you more yingle yeah I'm young yeah I'm more young too yeah yeah yeah

more layouts yeah we're outside the hall yeah by the way have you guys seen Indian slap uh slap boxing no oh my god

really I've seen the slap being no no no no no no Indian slap boxing is all over the internet again

look at this this is amazing go to the first one look at this [ __ ] this is so

[ __ ] wonderful this makes me want to go to him look at these look at these so

what's happened is they're they're politely they're politely battling slap slap slap oh it's great so if you

make a fist they're out you can't punch it's slapping hmm and it's in the sand look at a

beautiful sand and there's one guy just chilling in the ring who's meditating yeah he's thinking

about all the pain that they're enduring he's trying to wish their pain away oh you can throw I almost posted today

and was like this me and Bobby on tour yeah yeah you can toss you can toss but the

slapping is fine you just can't punch okay genius that guy won for sure yeah I mean beautiful I would love to see a

woman is a good females fight that's just how women always fight that's right oh that's right have you guys ever

actually slapped somebody no punch just only punch slap yeah slaps that's weird

asses no no she needs like out of aggression yeah aggressive

trust me it's aggressive I I lick my palm and everything do it right now what let me see yeah

yeah oh yeah oh no do it again it's actually like this

come on Bobby yeah baby yeah that's what I like come

on yeah I want to learn how to fight little get up let's do it well Bobby taught me some moves on the road some

defense moves yeah just get a gun yeah that would be easy let's just get you a guy can we get her a gun but I'd rather

learn something because what if I forget my gun or it's not loaded or not that thing on you baby you want to learn how

to fight let's do it you want to take Krav Maga what's the best one to take Krav Maga I mean that's the Israeli

defense uh the Israeli defense [ __ ] let's let's rank them jiu jitsues either

you got Jew Jitsu or Krav Maga I know it's a little shaky yeah in terms of

like um what really works in real time real life yeah you can look at the MMA and go

okay so it's like you never see some guy that's like he's a black Belkin Taekwondo Taekwondo isn't probably not

gonna do it right you never see Tai Chi Tai Chi is moving energy I know but it's still a martial art it is oh yeah and

it's for fighting right or not yeah yeah yeah right but I think Jiu Jitsu is probably the

number one yeah Jujitsu that's a practical karate that's a crazy one to start with though

right it's so popular right now but you're like so up and kung fu do you mean karate

Kung Fu Bruce Lee never heard of it Kung Fu what is that is that a dish Kung Fu Bistro yeah I've

been in conference yeah that's delicious so Taekwondo Kung Fu Judo yeah judos

fine good what's the difference between them though well Mai Tai is a lot of Kicking and you know what I like the the

Muay Thai kickboxing when you grab the back of the neck and you might tie the knee the face

of the knee yeah the Anderson Silva did that a lot yeah he would grab the Hat yeah grab the head kundu from China whoa

that's just a guy that's yeah you just talked to him for a while yeah that sounds nice yeah it's just a

conversation what else is with swords good yeah isn't that with a samurais yeah look at Japan's [ __ ] dominating

by the way non-aggressive oh keto's not aggressive never mind bro I've been watching

Ken Burns World War II documentary and the Japanese brutal they will cray-cray

I know they were not everyone invading China

they went to China that's why I like them though yeah balls on those guys right but it's like they went to the

Philippines they went everywhere and they did so many crazy things there's a lot of bad ships and scraping people and

cutting pretty gross it's gross and then we got them back did we go

all right bye bye bye bye yeah no it was really what's so funny is that bad no it

is true it is true yeah it's it's you know and they were nuts in a good way though they were fun Imagine crashing a

plane with you inside of it the balls the [ __ ] balls to be like you gotta

stay in it they're like no jump out they're like you stay in it oh yeah okay inside it

I'm literally inside or just metaphorically inside no no your spirit and your body are inside oh so my body

yeah you're in it no no yeah no no okay take this what is this just take it okay

go ahead take it how about now yes

you know they were jacked up on uh on on methamphetamine you know that right oh they were you don't know about this you

never heard this same thing with the Nazis exact same [ __ ] death huh yeah they were on [ __ ] methane that's amazing so they would get them jacked up

out of their [ __ ] mind kamikaze pilots and then they would just they'd be like we gotta do it yeah

I would say I would do it but you know what I would do if I could tuck it behind your ear and use it for later no

well not no in terms of like the Bonsai thing the Kamikaze [ __ ] I mean yeah right I would at jacked you would shoot

out right before I hit I would they would see just a random Japanese guys waiting in the water but they'd also see

your parachute and be like what did you pack a shoot no I lost weight I lost weight in the

ocean this is my swimsuit okay yeah okay but could I say another thing huh is

that in this documentary so there were some islands that had Japanese civilians living their towns and stuff

right and once the Americans or the Allies took over the island the Japanese

um citizens they just jumped off the cliff because they're the emperor hiryito said you can't surrender so you

have to kill yourself no surrender nowhere so people just jumped off cliffs so they they would find like civilians

just in the water with babies and like that's how crazy they were they were so indoctrinated into you know I mean this

dude nationalism nationalism they believed well they believed yeah you know yeah sometimes you got to believe

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perfect way to get your patties sizzling hot this summer look like watch this play a cricket who

lives in Alabama wait

a second you'd have to tell us what you are just oh [ __ ] yeah just read the lines all right just read the lines you

know it's a dinner date yeah my name is Bob Hoskins is it what is that a real person it says

Bob Hodgkins lymphoma he has cancer is that the cricket noise yeah yeah yeah

cricket my name is Bob and I I'm

hey you know what I think it's safe to date this girl I'm

not good right give me another shot give me something else uh you you go ahead juice you got one what character can you

play okay you are a dragon and you just relax you don't even know

the [ __ ] scene no but I gotta get into Dragon mode you just woke up uh from 300 years of Slumber

that part he'll kill I'm kind of giving him a softball here

yeah

who just woke up for 300 years of sleep and you're at the championship game and you're at the plate yeah and the and the

catcher is talking [ __ ] or wait what's that wake up

where's my bat where's my bag hey man just step up and

hit the ball that's it that's really good thank you

well you do one then [ __ ] make a character I'll do it right now all right

high energy easy right high energy almost meth like

right speedy speedy sloth

a sloth yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah there's lines excuse me yeah yeah there's lines sir

read the lines [Laughter]

doing me a favor very good yeah that's good right yep a

little slower probably the language dialogue but okay yeah yeah thank you so much do it again

yeah you got it you got it I've been watching a lot of that [ __ ] not

planet Earth but it's like the our planet too and basically I've seen our planets our planet the second one oh

yeah and this and this one's got a lot more killing you know the other one kind of they look away when the kill is about

to happen not this one did yeah they showed little baby sea turtles trying to get to the water oh dude dude it's

awesome just a [ __ ] bird just coming down just smoking it dude and one guy got flipped over by a bird and a little

turtle couldn't get back over and a crab just came and went away it was so dope there was a

one I saw where there was like iguanas in Mid Island of their babies yes and the snakes yes are just chilling like

look at these idiots right and they would just get them and I'm like you know I mean how about do it closer to

the [ __ ] water [ __ ] show me how they get them show me I like when you animate it look at the snake

children you know there he is again another year stupid idiots yes so check this out look

at the one right there the little uh the one with the uh the juicy one well I was gonna say it's something else what I

think it was born okay no no say it I know you don't want to get canceled no

look at that little one with the I think it's missing of little hand and it's fine it's twisty oh no yeah

look at that one well

wrap you up and take you down baby I feel bad for the Iguana but happy for the snakes I know hold on a second

he had to get his Vape off the charger dude you that's so funny you made it out to be like you forgot you had to do

something important yeah right like [ __ ] I had to call my mom no it just it turned green I was like oh it's my time

my time I thought we're gonna put away Vapes I know I just Carlos's fault there's no way those things it's not

good those things it's not good you know what can I be honest with you my right arm is tingly

all the time it tingles and the other night dude something [ __ ] happened I literally thought I was having a stroke

so at 4 30 in the morning I had a pinch in my back where I went oh I would like

verbally sit out and I had to stand up and I had to bang my back against the

wall to where it was hurting but it was so excruciatingly hurtful and painful

The Elms went to the hospital with the pinch in your back where how high

mid back in the middle of my back maybe off to the right a little bit it [ __ ] hurt like you're right it sounds like

you might be talking about your heart you're left okay never mind yeah making sure the

back hard part the back Heart part yeah yeah is the back hard part important it's the whole

your whole back is your back hard part yeah but it's an important very it's probably the most important they say that's why they tell you to sleep on

your side not on your back yeah I slammed it and then eventually I did some breathing exercises and it went

away what were they and I held my breath in and I calmed my

nerves and it just slowly went away really yeah I also did downward dog

yeah I love downward dog I did downward dog you know I did some yoga stuff that I've learned you know downward syndrome

dog yours yeah yeah yeah

I was doing downward syndrome drug talk and I and it eventually you know and doing those positions you know

eventually I had my own Olympics yeah you know what I saw when you when you said to me it reminded me when you said about him not being able to look you and

you not being able to look him in the eye I saw the image of you like looking down when he looks at you and it made me

really sad really yeah because I want to just bring this back to the beginning I love you so much I love you too that's

all I wanted we moved past it no honestly but then you brought it back I love you so much and I talk about you

all the time to people and I always go like who's like creep staring at me over there no I always say like who do you

think is the next thing up I think she is well you deserve you you deserve the continuation you call you texted me the

other day about bad news but it ended up being really goodness because what was the bad news I didn't get jfo and but it

but it yeah I know I love you so much what what

um she didn't get that's insane well I was thought about it for a few hours but I got over it because what happened was

I know trust me no no no you no don't get over it it's a war it's a war well

it's so no no no it's a dis on us it's a dis they think that agents about the

power by getting they do for it I met I actually brought the power back into to what I want to do and what I want to

create I started bringing the trumpet back into my act and really just like feeling Fearless of what I'm doing

because I'm tired of like auditioning for a while yeah I'm tired of like showing off for these people I want to

like me it's like maybe it's just not the time you know but I don't know it is

the time but I have so many people supporting me now from Bad friends from you guys like

going on the road stop being positive but here let's go negative let's stay in the dark place for a

second okay there is a dark sliver to this where I'm like I'm done doing this stuff right I'm gonna focus on the

support I have but I'm so sorry to hear that but I did

find out after the fact that there already are agents scouting me hell yeah oh yeah they are yeah I've been asked

from my people about you they're out there baby they're out there things are happening you're on the map I'm headlining I I'm going I'm doing my own

thing while we're at but on break from the tools yeah can I tell you no say it right now

she's in Irvine Irvine next Wednesday that oh well I should say oh this is already out but I can plug the two uh

I'm doing the Wise Guys one that you took me to yeah Keith it has is having me back doing one night at Salt Lake

City and two nights in Vegas the 27th in uh Salt Lake City and the 28th and 29th

in Vegas where wait of this month of July of July July so Salt Lake City go see her and Vegas go see her Wise Guys I

went there with Polly and I went to Salt Lake City with you and that's where I met Keith as a feature and now I'm coming back to Headlands awesome amazing

that's that's the kind of [ __ ] that I love to hear see that's the positive spin I like and I just want to be the

Best comedian I can be that's all I'm looking at there it seems like they're going after people who've already made a

following and no they're not really a new they're kicking boxes ticking boxes yes ticking bombs are you

saying boxes checking check your checking boxes [Laughter]

you're right they're checking boxes they're just no they're going oh we there we have this I we have the you

know the Puerto Rican blind guy how is that guy he's crying I've heard he does really well you can't make it to the

stage half the time yeah he keeps falling yeah yeah he does stand up sometimes from the side of the room

and sometimes he doesn't show up to the venue because he has to like a lot of times I see he hits his eyes and goes is this thing on right which is a funny

joke it's a funny bit yeah yeah yeah it's a funny bit that's a good one and then um you know the nine foot three Nigerian female who happens to be you

know I mean oh yeah like the girl from the girl from the WNBA yeah is she a stand-up she's awesome I look up to her

somebody yeah so she you know I mean they have you know they check boxes like do we have and you're who else are they

checking yeah just tell me some of the other people that they're checking yeah the Irish black guy who also has to be a

dwarf but he also has bilingualishes bilingual issues yeah he's talking about

laquan Murphy yes laquan Murphy is really good he mixes the two language like he sometimes will one word to be

Korean right the next word would be [ __ ] you know I mean they said Irish black guy that's what's crazy but he

speaks Korean and Portuguese which is what's crazy about it what a hook what what a hook I actually kind of guess I'm

always on board for our games yeah I don't think I can do that what I was gonna try to do Portuguese

out of all the things I think you've stopped me I know I'm giving you a challenge it's so hard will you try

Korean Korean Black Irish Portuguese guy yeah no but the language is one word is

in Korean the other one's in Portuguese give it a go [Laughter]

[Applause] say it again I don't even quite understand it so he's

um a black Irishman right who happens to be a dwarf no what he's a little person that doesn't mean it's just the voice is

different I didn't know

you need the voice but it's in the language right so you need to do you know one word in Korean you can make

that up if you don't even know is that that's right

but it's got to be higher yeah that ever famous that's it he's good

he'll get a deal from HBO right now who do you think who else got got but their box ticked

you know I don't keep asking because you know all the comics

your fingers on the pulse I do one wait go ahead oh yeah

um they're half and half half and half what cream and milk gender oh

oh half and half so they're gender non-specific but it's like I know what

it is I know I've seen that person you know who I'm talking yeah it's like Harvey Two-Face yeah right so literally

it's half a half yeah half man half women from the down the line this way right so the the thick on this side of

the mouth that I've seen her yeah but she's great yeah wait she's great they're great yeah oh my bad they are

they're great so it's half a dick and one ball well yeah

yeah I shouldn't even know yeah I mean you

know what that could happen and I'm just throwing it out there science wise and I've read this on you know I mean theories but when you open up her vagina

there's a penis inside it so that is their opening yeah yeah but

how do you feel about not ever being on a list of anything um I mean this was all my heart yeah I

couldn't [ __ ] care less yeah I care so [ __ ] little about that it's I maybe sometimes I think I should care

and then I go no I don't [ __ ] give a [ __ ] yeah but like when a friend gets it

stoked yeah I couldn't be happier when someone I know because I don't care about it but I don't know I no I don't

[ __ ] give a [ __ ] at all rejection can be a positive thing though well you deal with it your whole life your whole

career is [ __ ] yeah get out of here you stink it doesn't motivate you though to like it's get rid of any expectations

or pressure yeah because it was like okay if someone's [ __ ] with me anyway then and that's how you get in your head

when you feel even though many people are yeah many people do even you just kind of uh feel free to create and you

should feel like that all the time totally they're Dave our TV show Dave got one Emmy nomination oh congratulations about

this yeah congratulations this is so funny soundtrack yeah no really yeah

shoes we got but we're both of best shoes what is it what is it it's uh Brad

Pitt Brad Pitt got nominee for best guest star in a comedy series wow yeah I mean he's not gonna win yeah

but that's still good I'm Gonna Come Close uh because Ted lasso is gonna [ __ ]

sweep it again like every like it does every time Brad Pitt best comedy guest actor for Dave they do he's never won an

Emmy I don't think oh and so this is like their shot I guess but it's not gonna [ __ ] happen but it won't be SNL

and if it's not her Leslie Odom Jr it'll be Nathan Lane or only murders because he's [ __ ] have you seen that show I

heard it's great it's [ __ ] non-stop good to me did you guys watch the idol no I've heard that oh I'm gonna watch it

let's go back to the uh what tell me about it what the one that only murders yeah Steve Martin Martin

Short I know what it is is it great it's phenomenal it's so good I think it's so good because they're so low I love them

it's kitchy it's a little old-fashioned it's kitschy yeah it's but it's aware of itself like it's very self-aware it

knows it's kitchy but it's wonderful and Steve Martin and Martin sure might be one of the [ __ ] funniest humans to ever walk the earth the way he's like

this he's so like he's so theatrical his manner is so good man but yeah Brad Pitt

got a name for Dave I think that was the only nominee I knew I took a photo with the other day I tell you about this he was so nice is Chevy Chase oh yeah I

really love Charlie I also got to meet him once yeah he was so nice was he at the club yeah well his daughter works at

the club yeah and I walked off stage and then he goes bro Robert do you want a

photo let's take a photo Well he kind of volunteered it and I took a photo with him I was just like oh my God this is

amazing that's because I've been so like intimidated because yep dude Fletch [ __ ] caddish I mean you name

it yeah vacation I mean Legend yeah it's insane yeah so nice and you'd heard

things too that maybe he's a little weird but I didn't see that all I ever heard was that then they had been public

about it that he was tough to work with yeah but no do you think people say that about you tough to work with sometimes

well I mean you know Aries Spears just did uh my other podcast I know you know me right we don't say the word by the

way we surpassed them in subscribers last week we surpassed and bad friends good yeah

it should be that's right because you and I are Wham we're Wham yeah and

you're am yeah but I remember Aries going um yeah you pooed you know I mean in my

dressing room or something I was like oh I'm sorry tough to work with not in the toilet on the ground yeah yeah well that's because

back home they just have a hole in the ground no there's on a TV show but I mean where you're from don't you

guys poop in holes you mean from San Diego what the [ __ ] you're talking about man

is San San Diego San Diego South Korea yes oh we say it like San Diego yeah San

Diego Oh you mean San Diego California no no I've been having the best sleep in my entire life you have I gotta tell you

I've got the remedy I texted Taylor Tomlinson two nights ago that's it that's a that's a solution if you text

Taylor Tomlinson right before you go to bed she gives you like a little Soliloquy oh I didn't know I'll text her tonight then she goes rest your head you

you'll soon be dead it's unfortunate that your hair is red and I went to bed I'll do that tonight no seriously I text

her because I saw her post something on Instagram about um not being able to sleep after coming back from Australia she just got back

and I said I swear to God I thought this was so stupid but I cut out coffee for a little

bit when I got back because a buddy was like cut out coffee for a couple days so your body's not like humming on as much

caffeine as usually do and then right before you go to bed drink a warm glass of milk and I thought yeah right and I

did I swear to God I passed out and I've been doing it now if I have a little bit of trouble sleeping a warm glass of milk

and I'm I'm lactose they get a lactose free warm glass of [ __ ] milk I don't know you new age

[ __ ] no but I don't like diarrhea in the middle of night that's even funnier you sleep like a baby just [ __ ] yourself

thank you let me ask you just get a bed and ask your plastic sheets

if you're are you really lactose intolerant I am I never knew that about you oh yeah we eat cheese and [ __ ] all

the time together and ice cream yeah we eat ice cream together and you're not there for the aftermath that's true send

us a video it's a disaster you just have to take lactate is that what you do last night I had to I was a Big Bob's Big Boy

and the person I was with he gave me my lacked head who was that some girl I've

been hanging out with is this a new intro love interest well I was going to ask you something yeah

is it okay to date a girl who's also thinking about she had one open mic

this is really dangerous anchor and the older I go listen you know you know it I've been in

these situations before it generally doesn't work out you know man because we're just in two different places she's

like what do you mean you know I mean and it's like I want to support her because I think she can do it you know sure yeah but it's like I don't know if

I want but it's tough to be the biggest career that's tough yeah that's a tough place to be and you know how do you set

boundaries you know what I mean well that's going to be harder because I've done it before and this is what always happens

can I you know ask me to open yeah and then you do and then you're dealing sucks and then

it sucks no I'll tell you what sucks about it is you start taking on their nervousness oh like one time yeah I took

a girl that was a comic that was dating up to open for me and she wasn't

featuring she had a five minute guest spot yeah and she was pacing back and forth backstage I gotta kill man I gotta

kill like and I was taking on her nervousness and in my mind I'm like this doesn't feel right yeah it's not yeah because I had to focus on my um

headlining you could date a girl who's a comic who's established yeah I think it'd be harder to date someone that's

starting out yeah do you really like this person I do but look at me in the eyes I do you do yeah but were you

looking at my ear or my eyes your ears okay wait a minute you really do like her

though yeah man she's cool I like her a lot I'm just saying it's it's an it's an issue that's dangerous it's so dangerous

it sucks how many girls have slept over at the house since you've been single have sleep sleepover

through the night into the morning sleepover one one

girl and in the morning how does that go because you're interesting in the morning I don't sleep right so you just stay up

all night staring no I'm just staring at the ceiling yeah sometimes I do this though sometimes

I'll like I'll be like this and I'll look over at my PlayStation and I'll look back on the sky because that's

what I want to be why don't you just put a screen on the ceiling oh why wouldn't you do that on your back then you just play on your back amazing let's do it

you can afford it I'm gonna do it I'm gonna buy that really for Christmas I'm gonna install that's one really cool yeah yeah because then you don't have to

wake her up you don't have to get up so one girl slept over in the morning I'm seeing one girl that goes do I'm seeing

this other girl right now how many people are on your roster you got a football team or a basketball team

I'm only physically seeing one person no no I know that I'm not trying to call you I'm saying how many people are you

talking to football team football team yeah nice but I'm seeing this one girl and she

goes this is the best up front she's like first of all we're never gonna sleep together on the

same bed I can't sleep next to somebody cool and in my mind I went yes right and

she goes um also if we hypothetically ever live together

she goes I need to sleep in either a different house or a different room this is even better yeah I like this

yeah and then I asked her a question I go so if I said to you I want to play 12 hours of video games right what do you

would she goes I don't give a [ __ ] it's your life ding right and the only negative she has

a penis okay no no only there's no negative but my

point is is that and then like so she's been you know at my house and she's always like right after we have you know hook up

she's like are you gonna call me an Uber she's ready to go yeah it's really cool

hey yeah it's a lot of dings yeah you've been dating anybody no you're keeping a

celibate I've bought new pedals for my trumpet holy [ __ ] [ __ ] full into my stand up

uh you're diving deep into you yeah I really like that good for you new pedals for your trumpet yeah I have this amp

and you can I have the MU I showed you guys it's like an electronic mute and you can plug it into guitar pedals and

switch the sound up you're really using the money wisely oh yeah it's all going back into the art

she really is too but why is that because I will make it back I know but no my point is why are you um cutting

off a very important aspect of The Human Experience which is you know obviously [ __ ] and

sucking yeah love will come I have to uh hey but I have to slow down slow down

Bud because you don't always get to come yeah yeah hey hey come on go but I have and I'm also headlining in Austin we did

the pitching I have five hours to go through eventually I'm gonna have to do more tapings if I want like I really

have to focus right now yeah and I really want to deliver a good product for people but that never goes away though yeah you do have to have a

balance of life and love and happiness and work and all because all that stuff will crash down otherwise you'll just be focused on one thing and then it'll all

I just feel really hungry right now for like well that's good if it's if it's servicing you then you should but don't

deny the other stuff no I won't and I also don't go out in LA yeah at the store tonight no no my my best

friend's coming to town so I'm the next couple days well we might tomorrow do we

go out no I don't go [ __ ] go out I went out with my parents this weekend because they're here for the fourth we went out and had a [ __ ] Blast how

come I didn't see your parents honestly be real you don't want to introduce me I know I took them I we

every single day we went out to do a thing and it was it's a lot but I want to meet them I

know dude but it was so much I've never met your mother I know Carlos met them

fancy Carlos why would you bring that up Carlos Carlos met them because he was he so funny we were getting we were getting

breakfast and I said hey we're near the studio you know actually I didn't even offer it

someone else did and then my mom was like can I see this and I said yeah I guess so we walk over here

and I opened the door and it stinks like [ __ ] weed and I mean reeks like

someone was ripping [ __ ] so he smokes does drugs in your [ __ ] you smoke weed Carlos oh Carlos I said that's

Carlos I opened the door I opened the door and Carlos is a shit-faced Stoned

on the couch like this and he goes hey Andrew what's up man it closes his laptop I go what are you doing here man

and he was like I'm waiting for packages for fan stuff and I was like okay

and you met your parents I was like here's my parents and they were like yeah they were like who's that like mini

me Larry David guy that we met and then my mom goes who is that man and I said he we kind of taken him in like a stray

yeah yeah and I let him sleep in the studio because he doesn't really have a place to live did they State your parent your house yeah oh that's cool yeah you

spent a lot of time with you we sat by the pool and talked oh that's nice we talked about uh all the controversial

stuff that you want to get into with your parents Bud Light right yeah good good goodbye

we spent four days talking about Bud Light if I'm going to be honest with you no but then we took them to go watch the fireworks because we get to we I get to

go see a special firework show because I'm not special yeah I've never seen that if I what I've never at the Fourth

of July I remember sitting by myself I was playing Elden ring again and in the distance here

and I realize I go I've never seen that you've never gone to watch fireworks I've seen it in the movies where I'm

like oh that's what fireworks look like so I've never seen it in real life I don't believe you well he's walked outside and seen him he's not he's means

he's never like been near a shot in the distance no like in the distance like from far away I'll go oh what's that a

nuclear bomb oh no it's fireworks fireworks right because sometimes it could be nuclear it's in your DNA to feel that way yeah yeah but it's like

I've never like been no one's ever caught hey let's go to the beach and watch I don't know what they do at the beach I'm sure they do it like that like

up close I've never seen that it's so dope I will invite me next time somebody okay I'm being real yeah we do we we do

it right here and they see uh they put it right over our heads I don't get invited with anything I would have no no no no no don't do that you wouldn't have

come to the thing I yeah you don't you don't want to go to things that you get invited I think that's a um well then

start to change it change what I'm saying right now I'm willing to go anywhere with anybody so everyone and

everyone anyone that's listening yeah ask him ask me you have to say yes for a week whatever

well it's not like Easter egg hunting I don't want to do that well why see this

is interesting no I don't want to do that well why it's dumb why because I have eggs in my fridge yeah but these

are colored and sometimes you have white eggs oh yeah yeah thank you thank you for being a bad friend

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